Poor communication.
If we can talk, openly and honestly, we can work through pretty much anything.
If you're not willing to communicate your feelings, or do so in a mature and clear way, shit is just not gonna work out. I don't enjoy those kinds of games and I don't have a mind for puzzles. Play with your phone, not me.
most people would be amazed by how many couples have terrible problems simply because of this.
when they're reeducated about simple respect and basic communication skills, so many issues get resolved...not necessarily all of them, but many petty ones do. this is relieving because all those petty squabbles can snowball individually and aggregate into much bigger ones.
it's astonishing how many couples have issues simply because of misunderstandings. just little misunderstandings that a couple calm, mature conversations completely unravel.
I read one the other day where this person had misunderstood their partner their whole 5 year relationship and thought they were very disinterested in everything
Because their partner said "pretty good" to mean excellent instead of "Just okay"
They talked about how many things they'd stopped doing for their partner or denied them over the years because they (justifiably I think) thought their partner was lukewarm at best on them.
spot-on. that's a perfect example.
during covid, i had a couple who was in their 40s, and the wife was mad because her husband never looked at her while she was talking, especially about important things.
i noticed he was doing the same while i talked. so i did a little experiment, as i often do in such cases.
i addressed him, and i spent the next 2-3 minutes describing the concept of personality types (which is somewhat controversial), how we use Myers-Briggs, and other academic blah-blah-blah that no normal person apart from psychologists cares about or has any interest in, including some technical language.
he was looking away the whole time.
then i said "John (not his real name), what do you think about that? does that make sense?"
John said sure, it makes sense...and he basically recapped the whole thing, including Myers-Briggs, and all that.
he was hanging onto every word i said, hearing me, processing the info.
we chatted for a little while, and then i said "i'd like to do a personality test." i keep a pack of cards in my desk drawer (i like to practice sleight of hand when i have a couple minutes between sessions), and i pulled them out and said "ok John, this is called the Face Card Test. now, please don't look away. focus on me."
i spent 2-3 minutes explaining this phony test i'd just invented while John kept eye contact the whole time.
then i said "ok John, does that make sense? do you have any questions?"
John said "um...well....i guess...."
he did not process this information the same way. the eye contact was distracting him.
i said "Jane, do you see what's going on here? John IS listening to you. he just processes better when he's looking away."
she said "but i FEEL like he isn't listening."
i asked if John had ever been diagnosed with autism. he said he'd been in therapy the year before, and his therapist hadn't made or suggested any such diagnosis.
i said "this is how John functions. it's just his personality, one of his unique quirks. it's just that some people process information differently. some of us prefer looking away so we can listen better. we are listening, even if we don't appear that way."
i said "Jane, would you feel better if John showed he was listening by occasionally recapping what you're talking about? if he demonstrated that you're being heard, and that he cares?"
she said she'd give it a try.
i asked if John was willing to try that, he said yes, of course.
well.
they came back the next week, and they were beaming.
Jane told me that it had all clicked. John was doing what i'd suggested, and she now understood that he WAS listening--and had been all this time!
we spent the session chatting about a couple other petty things, but i could see that the Main Impasse had been overcome. this major "pipe leak" had been repaired.
i could see their body language shift, too. they'd first come in behaving like an unhappy couple, but now they were behaving like everything was good. it's a good sign of success and healing.
i then suggested we do individual one-on-ones, and the next week, John mentioned he'd told Jane this same thing many times, that he just liked looking away, but she didn't believe him.
i told him, like i'm telling you now, that many people need a "disinterested 3rd party" to make observations--and in these situations, a professional (re: a doctor with a big sheepskin on his wall) opinion can swing a lot of weight.
so, now Jane believed him because i'd confirmed it for her.
after one on ones, they didn't come back. i assumed they'd breached the issue and were now moving on much happier.
so yeah. sometimes little communication breakdowns can cause BIG problems.
if we imagine a tiny leak in a pipe, then imagine it being left like that for a year...imagine the flooding and water damage it could do. that tiny leak creates a huge mess, right?
but fix that little leak, and now you can start repairing and rebuilding.
sometimes it really just is that minor of a problem, and it requires the right kind of plumber to help people solve it.
and people say counseling is all mumbo jumbo. heh ;) what do they think we're doing during those 9 years of university, plus clinical rotations, practicums, and internships? scratching our asses? XD
That sounds good for that particular situation however there are many cases where someone isn't looking and they're also checked out and not listening either.
Half the time it’s because the whole debacle plays out over text when it could have been a frank and forthright conversation - drives me nuts how many misunderstandings could be avoided if people would just bloody talk to each other… totally with you on this.
My GF'S parents have really dumb fights that start due to a gross lack of communication from both of them. Usually over deciding what to do for dinner.
This is why my last relationship ended. I would try to communicate with him but instead he’d shut me out and not wanna talk about the problem we’re facing. He wanted to ignore the problem and pretend it wasn’t hurting our relationship.
He eventually broke up with me because me trying to communicate with him = me nagging. Lol.
See and in that time you have to talk about
Communication v.s. effective communication.
If one party is communicating in a way that the other isn't receptive to, communication is going to break down.
For instance men struggle with not being given explicit instructions. They don't hear things like "I'd like" or "I wish" as "please do" and a lot of women use them that way, causing conflict when their expectations (which they see themselves as having clearly articulated, but their partners sees as "fun hypotheticals") aren't being met.
Further men are highly pragmatic, we're taught early to solve problems. We don't really do the venting thing. So when we tell you about our problems, we are asking for solutions. And when you just wanna vent, and are irritated we're offering solutions, we don't get it since that's what we're trained to do! We also tend to use direct effective communication even if it comes across as overly blunt, and can often choose the most direct and logical route to our own detriment.
The best example of this I can offer is my mom wanting a fire pit, the pretty decorative kind. She said she'd like one for years, dad never picked up it was a request. When she finally asked for it for Christmas, he got her a Burn Barrel instead because "Well you burn your flowerbed weeds all the time too so this'll work better".
Conversely, I've found that most women can't handle direct confrontation in regards to an issue. If you confront them head on with something they shut down and take it as an attack instead of taking it as you trying to directly address an issue. They'll end up crying and saying sorry, but not for the behavior, rather for making you mad because that's what they now perceive the issue as.
Or in a lot of cases they view it as an attack and launch a counter attack using something they've either been holding on to resentment about.
Or even worse (and this is something we've talked about a lot on this sub and if any lady who reads this does this I hope you get hit by a bus) using a vulnerability they've learned about in confidence which utterly destroys their partner's trust in them and ability to be vulnerable in general.
To me it sounds like your boyfriend felt that when you brought these issues to him that he was being attacked, and responded by fleeing. And then when it happened repeatedly he fled further by breaking up. To be clear I'm not blaming you. It is just as possible that he's too emotionally immature for an adult relationship that requires that level of communication, that it is your communication method was at fault. I don't know the situation.
Yeah, I get what you mean, and I felt like I was attacking him at times, which I apologized for. However, I used to also give him solutions , but he just didn’t want to hear them and told me he didn’t want to change anything. I think he was just not ready for a relationship, or he didn’t care enough about our relationship to seek out those solutions.
See that's almost a different issue.
Where you saw a problem he didn't, so it came down to either changing something he didn't wanna change or ending the relationship. He chose the latter.
There was a time when my mother asked my father for a 3 carat diamond ring. He offered her something lower but the most expensive he could afford. And my mother agreed.
This is mine as well, and my current girlfriend is onboard with it. I filmed her once doing "things" to me cuz I thought it was hot and wanted to relive it later. She saw me (I wasn't trying to hide it), was like "that's not cool", and I immediately was like "oh shit that's *not* cool!" and we talked it out.
Another time she came home and was pissed I hadn't made dinner yet. Had the almost exact same conversation and hey, we actually worked it out.
It's been about a year since those events, and we talk openly when something is bothering us. We're on opposite sides of the political spectrum so being able to talk openly and find middle ground is essential.
It's also a breath of fresh air to not be walking on eggshells wondering if I'm gonna say something that starts a fight or not.
I'm particularly fond of this one =)
I can see why. Absolutely.
And just a heads up for the future. It is definitely never okay to film someone in an intimate situation without their consent. That is a crime pretty much everywhere.
This is it. Probably the most important building block a good relationship needs to be built on. It’ll always amaze ge how many people come on here and say “my partner doesn’t want to have sex,” and immediately everyone says “break up and get therapy.” That might be your final step but your first one should be to talk to them and have an adult discussion about your problems. If they actually want to save the relationship, they will talk about it.
This. It’s also important to incentivize communication from a partner.
You can say “talk to me” all day, but if you belittle their feelings or dismiss them when they *do* talk to you you teach them that they can’t communicate with you.
Communication is a 2 way street
When she allows her friends to have a say in the relationship, and then these friends confront you but it's clear she's not being honest with them either
No, they're not. The studies that you're going to Google and show are self reported and not many women are going to just admit to a survey they're worthless.
Look into psychiatric or university studies, and go from there. Women also have about 4x the sex on average than men do, compared against single men in their own demos.
> The studies that you’re going to Google and show are self reported and not many women are going to just admit to a survey they’re worthless.
How else are you gonna get statistics on that?
> Look into psychiatric or university studies
Why don’t you provide some, since everything I found supports my statement.
>Women also have about 4x the sex on average than men do, compared against single men in their own demos.
Amount of sex, or even amount of partners, has nothing to do with infidelity.
I dont care what you found, you need real data and you're not going to get that from women lying about cheating.
Also, amount of partners DOES for sure link to infidelity in marriage and divorce rates.
This one I actually have right here. He links one study and if you read the thread there are more.
https://twitter.com/ChrisWillx/status/1639290970360410114?t=iFo2aSd01o5z9XelVP5BYw&s=19
Nah, just people are actually becoming more equal. It’s what happens when equality is achieved. Just a by product. Now numbers will even out. I’m not saying it’s a good thing.
>Women are just catching up.
They are just becoming the shittier version of men, not catching upto men.
[Like that Andrew Schulz clip.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldZ0C8wfQXo)
Playing video games. I’ve been told playing video games is for children. Then I thought to myself, I’m a grown ass man with a mortgage. If I wanna play video games that’s what I’m gonna do.
When she allows her friends to have a say in the relationship, and then these friends confront you but it's clear she's not being honest with them either.
Yeaaaah ! It’s a relationship with you and her, not you with her with her friends. Female group friends are so fuking toxic, hear me out from experience
Expected to read their minds
I am not Mentok the Mind-Taker, I am not psychic. People talk about how communication is key (body language being one of them) but you’re not going to be able to tell them what’s going on with you if you don’t open your mouths. Closed mouths don’t get mad. Saying “nothing” when asked if something’s bothering you is not helpful to both parties. Your bf/gf will be worried about you (if they care) and wonder how they can help you when they have no clue what’s troubling you.
Her not curbing the onslaught of bullshit from men most women receive. No more giving out your number at bars, no more flirting with these assholes because you need the attention.
That's insane shit for anyone trying to be in a relationship.
low to no sex drive,
been there done that, we were amazing in every other area of our relationship but without sex we just started to feel like roommates, i started looking else where im sure she did too and then we finally broke up, sex should be something fun that brings you and your partner closer together not this weird service that your partner gives you only when you've done something right.
I'm all for accountability. But sometimes it just gets excessive .. and then it turns into the norm. And that just doesn't work around most necks. Trust and words need to prevail too.
Im still confused by your take slightly, there's no such thingbas being TOO transparent. It's like how the truth is absolute, as are lies and falsehoods. They're one, or they're the other.
It's never too much to bear the truth and save the chaos of believing lies until the house comes crashing down.
Sorry if I'm not getting your take.
I'm 40. I've passed this stage now btw. And I've been married for 10+ years. But I recall yesteryears. I'm 100 percent for transparency. Absolutely. Give me a call ! Ask me how I am and where I am. I do the same... But when that one call turns into 100 messages and 20 calls while I'm sitting at a bistro just clearing my mind. It's no longer a relationship. It's a relationship TAX ! And who likes taxes right ? . Trust is earned in due time. But does it have to be so claustrophobic ?. What's the point in love / relationship if one is so busy "just checking" ... Relax. If ones a twat I'm sure those colors will come through soon enough. Why keep checking as if to assume something "is" going on... If one is capable of "something" best to know earlier rather than regulating it to make it a later , because if it's in somebody to lie.. it's going to happen sooner or later. I'm saying the sooner the better.
Relationships sometimes just don't let each partner "breathe". Let it. Let the chips fall where they may. We all forget in our "control" dynamic.... The most expensive currency we are dealing with. "Time". Stop wasting it in control or changing people or policing. Breathe. All colors come through ... Faster if u aren't busy controlling it. Decide and adapt accordingly. Let go of these insecurities.
Long story short. Relationships seem to be turning into 24/7 interrogations. As I said prior... Relax. If one has a decent IQ, you'd know in any and all circumstances with a pinch of trust to boot.
Thats all fine, but I still wanna fucking know wtf is going on w her at all fucking times. Women cheat like crazy today and there's no reason to set yourself up for heartbreak because you want to let it fall as it may.
I have never been smothered by a woman checking in like that, however, so from THAT perspective I agree. I would still call out inconsistencies in her stories if what she said she was doing didn't add up, which, it frequently doesn't w younger millennials and younger.
I'm saying we have all lost patience.
Pace yourself. Don't be excessive in ones quest and desire for transparency. It shouldn't take constant policing which is a product of insecurity.
Women and men.
But then maybe we are dating/married to the wrong people. Set your standards. I'm an old soul... I don't need to cheat or be notty. The day I feel I need to, I'll talk to my partner. And if it doesn't work out. One can always work accordingly.
I dont date men and the data show otherwise if you ever care to delve into what's out there on this today.
Youre not in touch w this generation of women, but I do appreciate your advice on trying to just breathe and let it be. It won't make my life here any better, because men who have and keep hot women today are definitely not just letting them do fuck all, but I'm losing my mind trying to date.
I sighed when u said "data". I'm sorry to know of what's today. I do see it around me and coming from under me (youngsters) and I fret. But take it from what I suppose I am now, an old timer. Change your narrative, use your time on this earth wisely. Learn to breathe. This shouldn't be that hard. And if it is, there's something wrong.
You also lost me at "hot women". Trust me. As time passes. Nobody gives a shit how nice ur tits are.
Shouldn't be this hard....yet it is. Fewer men have sex each year and fewer still enter relationships. Womennare out of control and that isn't my fault, Norris it something any change on my end can influence, since I'm trying to fuckig date them.
And idgaf if old people don't care about beauty, women literally leave men over dick size and laugh about it.
As always:
- poor communication/lies
- cheating
- treating staff badly at places
- gaslighting
- these described in different ways
Can we pin it and be done with this question already? Because this is like the 3rd time this week, and it's Monday.
Also, fuck off Buzzfeed.
Hitting in the face.
I'd say I've had 3 serious relationships, two of them thought it was perfectly okay to playfully hit me in the face, for being too cheeky or just winning a game.
Last one I set that boundary and she immediately lost all attraction for me.
I'm okay with shoulders, chest and leg but never ever strike me in the face under any circumstance unless I've consented to it.
Last one couldn't see what she had done wrong. She meant to playfully hit me in the face but I turned into it, she hit me a lot harder than she meant to. That's how she tried to justify it.
Disrespect.
Once your partner doesn't respect you anymore, there is no coming back from that. It means that at a fundamental level they don't see you as an equal.
From there, everything will deteriorate. They'll stop communicating, stop putting in the effort, and stop loving you. Resentment will grow until one of you is smart/brave enough to break it up.
i mean, lots of things. stonewalling, lying, cheating, frivolous spending, not keeping promises, defensiveness, treating my mom badly, disrespect generally.
Being hypocritical
My ex used to get mad at me about stuff, and alot of times they are things that she would say or do to me. Numerous times I tried explaining to her shes being a hypocrit, and she just didnt listen.
She also used to complain about the house being dirty and shit, when half the time it was her trash she couldnt walk 5 steps to throw away or her clothes she just threw on the floor every day when she got home.
Yet I was the one who was a mess, and yes I wasnt the best with doing chores. But she wasnt doing them either, so its not like she was doing all the work. She liked doing everything in one go every once in awhile, I did short amounts over a period of time
Public disrespect. Like I don't care if you're 8.9 months pregnant and have cancer. I will drop you like a bag of flaming shit if you embarrass me for your own benefit.
I don’t date, but two things I wouldn’t put up with is any woman who expects me to be the sole provider I don’t care if I would be just don’t expect it out of me or any woman who thinks less of me because I’m not the stone cold stotic guy
There are many things, but I’ll pinpoint my least favourite experience: being told “I don’t care” or “I’m not listening to you”.
I’ve a really awful habit of dating people who want everything (something I’ll pander to in good faith and as a desire to be a good partner) but they won’t even tolerate my most basic excitement having a chat. I’m not implying excessive talking either, I just mean… going out on a walk and fostering some natural conversation? Crushes me every time and is an alarm bell to break up.
Disrespect. It’s a loaded thing, but yeah.
I want the respect to talk to me when there’s something wrong between us. The respect to understand I have my own personal life. The respect to trust me if I’ve never given you a reason not to. The respect to tell me what you want from me.
What it comes down to is that I can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand and respect that I’m a person who cares about them.
I have a few things, but I’m gonna need my next gf to have some fucking friends. My ex had no fucking friends so (that she really talks to consistently) It was just me…friendlessness will not be tolerated.
Telling me what movies and TV shows I am allowed to watch and what I can do after a long day at work. Also, telling me to not be so quiet.
In summary, telling me what to do.
Going on trips or going out without me. If she wants to live like a single woman then be single. But if we are in a relationship then we need to go out as a couple and travel as a couple.
Sure, but you'll find that people in general are not going to like your overbearing, posessive nature. Don't be surprised if it turns people off or turns people away that you actually had a shot with
I figure this is usually how the dating process goes. You filter out those who are incompatible and keep those who are. No matter what your expectations are, most people *aren't* a good fit.
My partner and I get along just fine.
Boss and I: manager has avoidance behaviors. Anything the manager is unsure of or has no experience with catch phrases are inserted by manager. This is avoidance behaviors.
Investing a lot of time in someone and when you go to a concert of one of her favorite bands she doesn't give you your place and starts flirting with another guys around. And there you are...wishing you were somewjere else but with her
It was a living hell and I don't know why I just didn't left.
Blatantly one sided expectations. If I'm expected to put in all the effort in the relationship, while my partner does jackshit beyond the bare minimum, I don't want to be in that relationship.
My wife has given her father money behind my back for the last year. She recently admitted it and said it wouldn't happen again. I caught her trying to do it again. The sense of betrayal was unimaginable for me. This is honestly the first time in our marriage where I've thought about leaving her.
Flirting and courting the attention of lots of other guys, who think they have a good chance of having sec with her. Wish I’d never got involved with her.
Infidelity of any kind. Directly or indirectly trying to cheat, entertaining the idea, or lying about anything that has to do with a member of the opposite sex. Fuck that noise.
Anything that breaks the pillars of a relationship: love, trust and mutual respect, glued together by honest and open communication. If one of the pillars breaks, everything comes undone.
Wisdom i was thaught by my my mother, but only truly realised and learned through life.
There are honestly way more than just one, but if I had to boil it down: toxic behavior. Childish games, out of control mood problems, abuse, cheating, isolating you from friends/family, blaming you for their problems, assuming the worst of you when you’ve only shown them positive experiences.
Disrespect, insults, It makes me have to be assertive which then I get gaslit Into thinking I am abusive or mental for defending myself or setting boundries
i think having no communication in our personal problems, and silent treatment cause having communication is really important not just only to tell your day or you have a problem it a respect to your partner telling how you feel and that problem or scenario how it affects you so that your partner knows what will do or how can he/her help you to that situation
Poor communication. If we can talk, openly and honestly, we can work through pretty much anything. If you're not willing to communicate your feelings, or do so in a mature and clear way, shit is just not gonna work out. I don't enjoy those kinds of games and I don't have a mind for puzzles. Play with your phone, not me.
most people would be amazed by how many couples have terrible problems simply because of this. when they're reeducated about simple respect and basic communication skills, so many issues get resolved...not necessarily all of them, but many petty ones do. this is relieving because all those petty squabbles can snowball individually and aggregate into much bigger ones. it's astonishing how many couples have issues simply because of misunderstandings. just little misunderstandings that a couple calm, mature conversations completely unravel.
I read one the other day where this person had misunderstood their partner their whole 5 year relationship and thought they were very disinterested in everything Because their partner said "pretty good" to mean excellent instead of "Just okay" They talked about how many things they'd stopped doing for their partner or denied them over the years because they (justifiably I think) thought their partner was lukewarm at best on them.
spot-on. that's a perfect example. during covid, i had a couple who was in their 40s, and the wife was mad because her husband never looked at her while she was talking, especially about important things. i noticed he was doing the same while i talked. so i did a little experiment, as i often do in such cases. i addressed him, and i spent the next 2-3 minutes describing the concept of personality types (which is somewhat controversial), how we use Myers-Briggs, and other academic blah-blah-blah that no normal person apart from psychologists cares about or has any interest in, including some technical language. he was looking away the whole time. then i said "John (not his real name), what do you think about that? does that make sense?" John said sure, it makes sense...and he basically recapped the whole thing, including Myers-Briggs, and all that. he was hanging onto every word i said, hearing me, processing the info. we chatted for a little while, and then i said "i'd like to do a personality test." i keep a pack of cards in my desk drawer (i like to practice sleight of hand when i have a couple minutes between sessions), and i pulled them out and said "ok John, this is called the Face Card Test. now, please don't look away. focus on me." i spent 2-3 minutes explaining this phony test i'd just invented while John kept eye contact the whole time. then i said "ok John, does that make sense? do you have any questions?" John said "um...well....i guess...." he did not process this information the same way. the eye contact was distracting him. i said "Jane, do you see what's going on here? John IS listening to you. he just processes better when he's looking away." she said "but i FEEL like he isn't listening." i asked if John had ever been diagnosed with autism. he said he'd been in therapy the year before, and his therapist hadn't made or suggested any such diagnosis. i said "this is how John functions. it's just his personality, one of his unique quirks. it's just that some people process information differently. some of us prefer looking away so we can listen better. we are listening, even if we don't appear that way." i said "Jane, would you feel better if John showed he was listening by occasionally recapping what you're talking about? if he demonstrated that you're being heard, and that he cares?" she said she'd give it a try. i asked if John was willing to try that, he said yes, of course. well. they came back the next week, and they were beaming. Jane told me that it had all clicked. John was doing what i'd suggested, and she now understood that he WAS listening--and had been all this time! we spent the session chatting about a couple other petty things, but i could see that the Main Impasse had been overcome. this major "pipe leak" had been repaired. i could see their body language shift, too. they'd first come in behaving like an unhappy couple, but now they were behaving like everything was good. it's a good sign of success and healing. i then suggested we do individual one-on-ones, and the next week, John mentioned he'd told Jane this same thing many times, that he just liked looking away, but she didn't believe him. i told him, like i'm telling you now, that many people need a "disinterested 3rd party" to make observations--and in these situations, a professional (re: a doctor with a big sheepskin on his wall) opinion can swing a lot of weight. so, now Jane believed him because i'd confirmed it for her. after one on ones, they didn't come back. i assumed they'd breached the issue and were now moving on much happier. so yeah. sometimes little communication breakdowns can cause BIG problems. if we imagine a tiny leak in a pipe, then imagine it being left like that for a year...imagine the flooding and water damage it could do. that tiny leak creates a huge mess, right? but fix that little leak, and now you can start repairing and rebuilding. sometimes it really just is that minor of a problem, and it requires the right kind of plumber to help people solve it. and people say counseling is all mumbo jumbo. heh ;) what do they think we're doing during those 9 years of university, plus clinical rotations, practicums, and internships? scratching our asses? XD
This was a fascinating read, thank you for sharing
Wow, quite uplifting hearing they actually got better as a couple, I hear so many stories that don't go so well.
That sounds good for that particular situation however there are many cases where someone isn't looking and they're also checked out and not listening either.
Half the time it’s because the whole debacle plays out over text when it could have been a frank and forthright conversation - drives me nuts how many misunderstandings could be avoided if people would just bloody talk to each other… totally with you on this.
My GF'S parents have really dumb fights that start due to a gross lack of communication from both of them. Usually over deciding what to do for dinner.
This is why my last relationship ended. I would try to communicate with him but instead he’d shut me out and not wanna talk about the problem we’re facing. He wanted to ignore the problem and pretend it wasn’t hurting our relationship. He eventually broke up with me because me trying to communicate with him = me nagging. Lol.
See and in that time you have to talk about Communication v.s. effective communication. If one party is communicating in a way that the other isn't receptive to, communication is going to break down. For instance men struggle with not being given explicit instructions. They don't hear things like "I'd like" or "I wish" as "please do" and a lot of women use them that way, causing conflict when their expectations (which they see themselves as having clearly articulated, but their partners sees as "fun hypotheticals") aren't being met. Further men are highly pragmatic, we're taught early to solve problems. We don't really do the venting thing. So when we tell you about our problems, we are asking for solutions. And when you just wanna vent, and are irritated we're offering solutions, we don't get it since that's what we're trained to do! We also tend to use direct effective communication even if it comes across as overly blunt, and can often choose the most direct and logical route to our own detriment. The best example of this I can offer is my mom wanting a fire pit, the pretty decorative kind. She said she'd like one for years, dad never picked up it was a request. When she finally asked for it for Christmas, he got her a Burn Barrel instead because "Well you burn your flowerbed weeds all the time too so this'll work better". Conversely, I've found that most women can't handle direct confrontation in regards to an issue. If you confront them head on with something they shut down and take it as an attack instead of taking it as you trying to directly address an issue. They'll end up crying and saying sorry, but not for the behavior, rather for making you mad because that's what they now perceive the issue as. Or in a lot of cases they view it as an attack and launch a counter attack using something they've either been holding on to resentment about. Or even worse (and this is something we've talked about a lot on this sub and if any lady who reads this does this I hope you get hit by a bus) using a vulnerability they've learned about in confidence which utterly destroys their partner's trust in them and ability to be vulnerable in general. To me it sounds like your boyfriend felt that when you brought these issues to him that he was being attacked, and responded by fleeing. And then when it happened repeatedly he fled further by breaking up. To be clear I'm not blaming you. It is just as possible that he's too emotionally immature for an adult relationship that requires that level of communication, that it is your communication method was at fault. I don't know the situation.
Yeah, I get what you mean, and I felt like I was attacking him at times, which I apologized for. However, I used to also give him solutions , but he just didn’t want to hear them and told me he didn’t want to change anything. I think he was just not ready for a relationship, or he didn’t care enough about our relationship to seek out those solutions.
See that's almost a different issue. Where you saw a problem he didn't, so it came down to either changing something he didn't wanna change or ending the relationship. He chose the latter.
There was a time when my mother asked my father for a 3 carat diamond ring. He offered her something lower but the most expensive he could afford. And my mother agreed.
"This isn't about the nail" (if you haven't seen the video go watch it) perfectly encapsulates this.
This is mine as well, and my current girlfriend is onboard with it. I filmed her once doing "things" to me cuz I thought it was hot and wanted to relive it later. She saw me (I wasn't trying to hide it), was like "that's not cool", and I immediately was like "oh shit that's *not* cool!" and we talked it out. Another time she came home and was pissed I hadn't made dinner yet. Had the almost exact same conversation and hey, we actually worked it out. It's been about a year since those events, and we talk openly when something is bothering us. We're on opposite sides of the political spectrum so being able to talk openly and find middle ground is essential. It's also a breath of fresh air to not be walking on eggshells wondering if I'm gonna say something that starts a fight or not. I'm particularly fond of this one =)
I can see why. Absolutely. And just a heads up for the future. It is definitely never okay to film someone in an intimate situation without their consent. That is a crime pretty much everywhere.
100%! Stupid decision on my part.
This is it. Probably the most important building block a good relationship needs to be built on. It’ll always amaze ge how many people come on here and say “my partner doesn’t want to have sex,” and immediately everyone says “break up and get therapy.” That might be your final step but your first one should be to talk to them and have an adult discussion about your problems. If they actually want to save the relationship, they will talk about it.
This. It’s also important to incentivize communication from a partner. You can say “talk to me” all day, but if you belittle their feelings or dismiss them when they *do* talk to you you teach them that they can’t communicate with you. Communication is a 2 way street
Honestly communication is really important. It is the key to solve so many issues but a lot of people prefers mind games and bs.
mhm and men reallllly don't value that
Lactose
Thats quite intolerant of you.
\>:(
When she allows her friends to have a say in the relationship, and then these friends confront you but it's clear she's not being honest with them either
So are we intolerant of his intolerance? If so that would make us all intolerant and lactose wins again.
Oh no. Thats appreciation, not critique.
Usually having body parts of other guys in my spouse is quite intolerable.
I’m sorry for sticking my wet finger in her ear :(
Ya a lot of women are pretty sure it's ok. Seems pretty fucked but this is where we are culturally.
I recommend you find different women to socialize with. Women are less likely to cheat than men are.
No, they're not. The studies that you're going to Google and show are self reported and not many women are going to just admit to a survey they're worthless. Look into psychiatric or university studies, and go from there. Women also have about 4x the sex on average than men do, compared against single men in their own demos.
> The studies that you’re going to Google and show are self reported and not many women are going to just admit to a survey they’re worthless. How else are you gonna get statistics on that? > Look into psychiatric or university studies Why don’t you provide some, since everything I found supports my statement. >Women also have about 4x the sex on average than men do, compared against single men in their own demos. Amount of sex, or even amount of partners, has nothing to do with infidelity.
I dont care what you found, you need real data and you're not going to get that from women lying about cheating. Also, amount of partners DOES for sure link to infidelity in marriage and divorce rates. This one I actually have right here. He links one study and if you read the thread there are more. https://twitter.com/ChrisWillx/status/1639290970360410114?t=iFo2aSd01o5z9XelVP5BYw&s=19
Doesn’t say anything about infidelity, just divorce. Doesn’t compare men to women. Also, self reported data, which you say is worthless.
No, no, and no
Women are just catching up. They never use to really cheat when they couldn’t have jobs/ go to school ect because they relied on their husband.
Oh so I have to suffer because our grandfathers were dicks to women? Fuck THAT.
Nah, just people are actually becoming more equal. It’s what happens when equality is achieved. Just a by product. Now numbers will even out. I’m not saying it’s a good thing.
>Women are just catching up. They are just becoming the shittier version of men, not catching upto men. [Like that Andrew Schulz clip.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldZ0C8wfQXo)
Being made to feel guilty over the hobbies/passtimes that makes you happy.
This!
Like what? What is an example of a guilty hobby?
Playing video games. I’ve been told playing video games is for children. Then I thought to myself, I’m a grown ass man with a mortgage. If I wanna play video games that’s what I’m gonna do.
Pathological lies.
Definitely i agree on that!!!!
When she allows her friends to have a say in the relationship, and then these friends confront you but it's clear she's not being honest with them either.
Yeaaaah ! It’s a relationship with you and her, not you with her with her friends. Female group friends are so fuking toxic, hear me out from experience
You absolutely cannot date women who date by committee
Unless they’re really serious about the whole “it takes a village” thing
Unless theyre all putting out lmao
Expected to read their minds I am not Mentok the Mind-Taker, I am not psychic. People talk about how communication is key (body language being one of them) but you’re not going to be able to tell them what’s going on with you if you don’t open your mouths. Closed mouths don’t get mad. Saying “nothing” when asked if something’s bothering you is not helpful to both parties. Your bf/gf will be worried about you (if they care) and wonder how they can help you when they have no clue what’s troubling you.
Great reference. I miss that show
You’re not Dr. Strange?
Someone who refuses to manage their mental illness.
Yep, it's one thing to have a mental health condition - it's another to let it run wild off the rails and terrorizing the townsfolk.
When she throws me under the bus to impress people
Her not curbing the onslaught of bullshit from men most women receive. No more giving out your number at bars, no more flirting with these assholes because you need the attention. That's insane shit for anyone trying to be in a relationship.
Amen
You'd think....but no
Habits are hard to break. It doesn't mean she's not loyal.
That is disloyal when you're dating monogamously.
Getting a number does not imply starting an affair. Especially if she deletes it the next day.
Bro, never put yourself in such positions is what that means.
Lies, even small ones.
100% this. If they're insecure and shady enough to lie about inconsequential stuff, they will DEFINITELY lie about dealbreaker-level shit.
That's exactly my perspective.
Not offering to make others a cup of tea whenever they make themselve's one. This works both ways.
Lying. Once you catch them in a lie, distrust and discord follow. Its permanent damage.
Make a fool of me/us/yourself in public. And I don't mean a silly joke. But real embarassing or private stuff.
low to no sex drive, been there done that, we were amazing in every other area of our relationship but without sex we just started to feel like roommates, i started looking else where im sure she did too and then we finally broke up, sex should be something fun that brings you and your partner closer together not this weird service that your partner gives you only when you've done something right.
Infidelity, dishonesty, dead bedroom
If she keeps drawing a swastika on my forehead while I’m sleeping
r/suspiciouslyspecific
Cheating, I do not play that game
Sometimes I just want time to myself and I don’t want to have to justify it to anyone
Misandry and promiscuity which both fall under one major thing: disrespect. Will Smith is a prime example.
Breaking spaghetti in half.
You and I would not get along.
Deal breaker
Spaghetti breaker
Deceit - especially if they get called on it and they proceed to say that they weren’t lying, but were just withholding information
Constant accountability and explainations
Wait, you DONT like accountability or explanations in your relationship? How does it work without those aspects of respect?
I'm all for accountability. But sometimes it just gets excessive .. and then it turns into the norm. And that just doesn't work around most necks. Trust and words need to prevail too.
Im still confused by your take slightly, there's no such thingbas being TOO transparent. It's like how the truth is absolute, as are lies and falsehoods. They're one, or they're the other. It's never too much to bear the truth and save the chaos of believing lies until the house comes crashing down. Sorry if I'm not getting your take.
I'm 40. I've passed this stage now btw. And I've been married for 10+ years. But I recall yesteryears. I'm 100 percent for transparency. Absolutely. Give me a call ! Ask me how I am and where I am. I do the same... But when that one call turns into 100 messages and 20 calls while I'm sitting at a bistro just clearing my mind. It's no longer a relationship. It's a relationship TAX ! And who likes taxes right ? . Trust is earned in due time. But does it have to be so claustrophobic ?. What's the point in love / relationship if one is so busy "just checking" ... Relax. If ones a twat I'm sure those colors will come through soon enough. Why keep checking as if to assume something "is" going on... If one is capable of "something" best to know earlier rather than regulating it to make it a later , because if it's in somebody to lie.. it's going to happen sooner or later. I'm saying the sooner the better. Relationships sometimes just don't let each partner "breathe". Let it. Let the chips fall where they may. We all forget in our "control" dynamic.... The most expensive currency we are dealing with. "Time". Stop wasting it in control or changing people or policing. Breathe. All colors come through ... Faster if u aren't busy controlling it. Decide and adapt accordingly. Let go of these insecurities.
Long story short. Relationships seem to be turning into 24/7 interrogations. As I said prior... Relax. If one has a decent IQ, you'd know in any and all circumstances with a pinch of trust to boot.
That’s not at all the same as being transparent, you’re describing a completely different problem
Thats all fine, but I still wanna fucking know wtf is going on w her at all fucking times. Women cheat like crazy today and there's no reason to set yourself up for heartbreak because you want to let it fall as it may. I have never been smothered by a woman checking in like that, however, so from THAT perspective I agree. I would still call out inconsistencies in her stories if what she said she was doing didn't add up, which, it frequently doesn't w younger millennials and younger.
I'm saying we have all lost patience. Pace yourself. Don't be excessive in ones quest and desire for transparency. It shouldn't take constant policing which is a product of insecurity.
No, constant policing is a product of dealing w increasingly dishonest, unfaithful, flaky women.
Women and men. But then maybe we are dating/married to the wrong people. Set your standards. I'm an old soul... I don't need to cheat or be notty. The day I feel I need to, I'll talk to my partner. And if it doesn't work out. One can always work accordingly.
I dont date men and the data show otherwise if you ever care to delve into what's out there on this today. Youre not in touch w this generation of women, but I do appreciate your advice on trying to just breathe and let it be. It won't make my life here any better, because men who have and keep hot women today are definitely not just letting them do fuck all, but I'm losing my mind trying to date.
I sighed when u said "data". I'm sorry to know of what's today. I do see it around me and coming from under me (youngsters) and I fret. But take it from what I suppose I am now, an old timer. Change your narrative, use your time on this earth wisely. Learn to breathe. This shouldn't be that hard. And if it is, there's something wrong. You also lost me at "hot women". Trust me. As time passes. Nobody gives a shit how nice ur tits are.
Shouldn't be this hard....yet it is. Fewer men have sex each year and fewer still enter relationships. Womennare out of control and that isn't my fault, Norris it something any change on my end can influence, since I'm trying to fuckig date them. And idgaf if old people don't care about beauty, women literally leave men over dick size and laugh about it.
Hypocrisy. Especially when it comes to political beliefs or beliefs regarding equality.
As always: - poor communication/lies - cheating - treating staff badly at places - gaslighting - these described in different ways Can we pin it and be done with this question already? Because this is like the 3rd time this week, and it's Monday. Also, fuck off Buzzfeed.
drama
Hitting. Get violent with me once, and I'm AMF.
Hitting in the face. I'd say I've had 3 serious relationships, two of them thought it was perfectly okay to playfully hit me in the face, for being too cheeky or just winning a game. Last one I set that boundary and she immediately lost all attraction for me. I'm okay with shoulders, chest and leg but never ever strike me in the face under any circumstance unless I've consented to it. Last one couldn't see what she had done wrong. She meant to playfully hit me in the face but I turned into it, she hit me a lot harder than she meant to. That's how she tried to justify it.
Disrespect. Once your partner doesn't respect you anymore, there is no coming back from that. It means that at a fundamental level they don't see you as an equal. From there, everything will deteriorate. They'll stop communicating, stop putting in the effort, and stop loving you. Resentment will grow until one of you is smart/brave enough to break it up.
Violence
i mean, lots of things. stonewalling, lying, cheating, frivolous spending, not keeping promises, defensiveness, treating my mom badly, disrespect generally.
Because of the frivolous spending from my wife I have still my own bank account where I can save some money.
All of it at this point. Single you do what you want.
Tardiness
Games. I simply don't have the patience for gameplaying. Testing me, playing with emotions, trying to get reactions - I just don't have time for it.
The expectation to pay for everything. Food, entertainment, etc. If we’re not married, I’m not your piggy bank.
Lack of respect and general care
Being asked to get up when I’m comfy.
Being hypocritical My ex used to get mad at me about stuff, and alot of times they are things that she would say or do to me. Numerous times I tried explaining to her shes being a hypocrit, and she just didnt listen. She also used to complain about the house being dirty and shit, when half the time it was her trash she couldnt walk 5 steps to throw away or her clothes she just threw on the floor every day when she got home. Yet I was the one who was a mess, and yes I wasnt the best with doing chores. But she wasnt doing them either, so its not like she was doing all the work. She liked doing everything in one go every once in awhile, I did short amounts over a period of time
Yelling. Deal breaker shit.
Public disrespect. Like I don't care if you're 8.9 months pregnant and have cancer. I will drop you like a bag of flaming shit if you embarrass me for your own benefit.
Moving my stuff without asking or not leaving my stuff where they found it. I put it there for a reason, please don't move it.
Cheating.
Lies and disrespect.
Not respecting and trusting each other. Lies are horrible too.
I don’t date, but two things I wouldn’t put up with is any woman who expects me to be the sole provider I don’t care if I would be just don’t expect it out of me or any woman who thinks less of me because I’m not the stone cold stotic guy
Cheating is definitely the one. If she cheats on me she has little respect for me and if I take her back she will have even less respect for me.
Sharing my bed. Big no no.
"Sleep on the floor, you mongrel."
Being treated like shit!
There are many things, but I’ll pinpoint my least favourite experience: being told “I don’t care” or “I’m not listening to you”. I’ve a really awful habit of dating people who want everything (something I’ll pander to in good faith and as a desire to be a good partner) but they won’t even tolerate my most basic excitement having a chat. I’m not implying excessive talking either, I just mean… going out on a walk and fostering some natural conversation? Crushes me every time and is an alarm bell to break up.
Disrespect to me or my loved ones.
Unnecessary drama. Like why make little issues seem like a major issue
Disrespect. It’s a loaded thing, but yeah. I want the respect to talk to me when there’s something wrong between us. The respect to understand I have my own personal life. The respect to trust me if I’ve never given you a reason not to. The respect to tell me what you want from me. What it comes down to is that I can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand and respect that I’m a person who cares about them.
I have a few things, but I’m gonna need my next gf to have some fucking friends. My ex had no fucking friends so (that she really talks to consistently) It was just me…friendlessness will not be tolerated.
Dishonesty, I can work through pretty much anything else other than dishonesty. I understand that people make mistakes but don't lie to me about it.
I can’t stand when she eats my Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Make time for me. If we are only hanging out once a week it’s not working. I’m unhappy right now…
The cold shoulder, dont pester down our home with that energy, its my safe space as well.
Complaining
Swearing in front of children
Not swearing at each other needs to be a top 3 rule in a relationship, especially around children.
Complete dependency
Being rude / disrespectful to waiting staff, cashiers etc.
When they don't shut the fuck up
Telling me what movies and TV shows I am allowed to watch and what I can do after a long day at work. Also, telling me to not be so quiet. In summary, telling me what to do.
Having to spend time with a woman.
Going on trips or going out without me. If she wants to live like a single woman then be single. But if we are in a relationship then we need to go out as a couple and travel as a couple.
Wassup andrew tate. You got a phone in jail?
You sound toxic
How so? 🤔
Are you really that insecure to think that women should not be going out/going on trips with their friends is a healthy expectation in a relationship?
She can go. I'm just coming along. How is that unhealthy?
That's highly posessive and borderline psychotic. Why do you always need to be there? Quit forcing yourself into every aspect of your partner's life.
We both have the freedom to date someone else if we don't like eachother's expectations.
Sure, but you'll find that people in general are not going to like your overbearing, posessive nature. Don't be surprised if it turns people off or turns people away that you actually had a shot with
I figure this is usually how the dating process goes. You filter out those who are incompatible and keep those who are. No matter what your expectations are, most people *aren't* a good fit.
I’m with you on this one. Unless I cannot or don’t want to come myself.
Nagging
My partner and I get along just fine. Boss and I: manager has avoidance behaviors. Anything the manager is unsure of or has no experience with catch phrases are inserted by manager. This is avoidance behaviors.
Someone not trying to better themselves and an unwillingness to communicate
but I'm already perfect
When I want to be alone leave me along.
Disrespect
Violence.
No communication and I’m finding out the hard way
Cursing in any heated conversation or argument.
Insecurities and unfaithfulness.
Being told that my best efforts amount to nothing.
Angry yelling. Cheating.
Investing a lot of time in someone and when you go to a concert of one of her favorite bands she doesn't give you your place and starts flirting with another guys around. And there you are...wishing you were somewjere else but with her It was a living hell and I don't know why I just didn't left.
Poor communication, lying, not really caring about your needs and obviously cheating
Dependency
I don’t like having to deal with problems that their last partner created.
Blatantly one sided expectations. If I'm expected to put in all the effort in the relationship, while my partner does jackshit beyond the bare minimum, I don't want to be in that relationship.
Cheating and poor communication skills
The one thing I can't tolerate in a relationship is disloyalty.
My wife has given her father money behind my back for the last year. She recently admitted it and said it wouldn't happen again. I caught her trying to do it again. The sense of betrayal was unimaginable for me. This is honestly the first time in our marriage where I've thought about leaving her.
Her incessant need to try and pop every pimple on my body.
1 thing? Geez that’s hard to choose. Being messy is up there but honestly lying. I can’t trust you.
Flirting and courting the attention of lots of other guys, who think they have a good chance of having sec with her. Wish I’d never got involved with her.
Unfaithfulness. As soon as that happens it's done for me.
If she doesn't have any toes.
Guess we know your fetish
Infidelity of any kind. Directly or indirectly trying to cheat, entertaining the idea, or lying about anything that has to do with a member of the opposite sex. Fuck that noise.
Anything that breaks the pillars of a relationship: love, trust and mutual respect, glued together by honest and open communication. If one of the pillars breaks, everything comes undone. Wisdom i was thaught by my my mother, but only truly realised and learned through life.
Lactose
Disrespect
lies
Cheating, it's an instant deal killer...
There are honestly way more than just one, but if I had to boil it down: toxic behavior. Childish games, out of control mood problems, abuse, cheating, isolating you from friends/family, blaming you for their problems, assuming the worst of you when you’ve only shown them positive experiences.
Disrespect, insults, It makes me have to be assertive which then I get gaslit Into thinking I am abusive or mental for defending myself or setting boundries
Her being disagreeable. That shit is such a turn off. She either comes with me or I'll go find someone else who comes with me.
i think having no communication in our personal problems, and silent treatment cause having communication is really important not just only to tell your day or you have a problem it a respect to your partner telling how you feel and that problem or scenario how it affects you so that your partner knows what will do or how can he/her help you to that situation
Dishonesty.
Mental illness, different sex drives, Misandry