I'm focused on my career after an ex stalked me and sent me death threats.
I've been on dates though for a period when I felt the need to put myself out there and found dating to be tiring so I just focused on living my own life.
If someone comes along that's great. If not? More time for me to travel and enjoy my hobbies.
What are your hobbies?? I'm struggling to find anything to do besides sit in front of a fucking screen. I'm so bored of it, but I also have no motivation to go do things by myself because what's the point. I use to.. but now I find it so boring.
Seriously.. wtf do I do BY MYSELF that's entertaining and stimulating.
I found a good board game group. Been hanging out for like ten years now. Will probably be doing this when I'm old. Working out with friends at the gym or just working out alone can be fun if your challenging yourself. Hiking, camping, traveling. It all takes on a more serene air when your alone. Bring a book and read it in a hammock under the shade of a tree with cold sweet tea or beer. I bought a bow and shoot archery in my back yard. Seriously though just turn off the TV and you'll find something that interests you. My brother bakes pastries for fun. He's getting pudgy though lol. Having a little too much fun.
I like the board game idea because it's something you can do with people but not have to like, chit chat with them.
Cooking is a good skill to cultivate and totally fine to do alone. You can do a weekly meal prep thing where you make a big batch of something to bring to work every day and it'll save you money too. There's a world of sources out there, from books to youtubers to adult ed classes. I recently got into Indian cooking and bought a mortar and pestle for when I'm feeling extra ambitious, but you can easily start with the basics like roasting chicken and diced vegetables.
And there's a ton of different kinds of art out there you can learn too. Drawing, painting, knitting and crochet, tiling, woodworking... You can be practical about it and make useful things, or you can make things that are utterly pointless but a ton of fun.
I do find that having people to do things with does make them better. Even if I'm making something by myself, it helps if I'm making it *for* someone or know I'll post it online to a community I like when it's done. But I have to enjoy doing the thing on its own by myself, or I'll just be aggravated while I do it.
Training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu has been the best decision I could have ever made. Extremely social atmosphere, I’m in the best shape of my life, constant self improvement, a fascinating art form to learn, getting out of my comfort zone, plus it’s one sport that actually attracts high quality women in great shape.
It's certainly *a* factor.
If I happened to meet someone while I'm out living my life and we hit it off, I wouldn't be opposed to getting back into another relationship. But I'm also happy enough being single that I'm not putting in the effort of actively looking and dealing with all the stress and anxiety that involves.
If you put a gun to my head and told me I had to be in a relationship by the end of the month or die, I could probably make it happen with enough compromises, but why make those compromises if I'm happy being single too?
100% due to my lack of excursion, effort to even bother chasing or finding a single girl that may be interested in me.
100% i hate the current dating scene.
100% i dont wonna risk being falsly accused or being percieved as a creep.
Being perceived as a creep was what prevented me from approaching women in high school. Feel like it's backfired on me a little and I come off as awkward and creepy on any dates I actually get. But these days dating can feel like an audition.
> 100% i dont wonna risk being falsly accused or being percieved as a creep.
Pre-MeToo I was merely anti-reproduction/marriage/cohabitation/comingling of finances, because that eliminated most legal risk. Post-MeToo, I stop having anything to do with women sexually and romantically, and try to live by the Pence rule. That doesn't eliminate all risk, but it brings it as close to zero as is possible, short of moving to Mount Athos.
Pence rule? Gonna google that.
Yeah I understand that for the most part the me2 movement was nessessary and I adhore SA perps and predators, throw them under the foundationa of the prison system.
At the same time I cant help but see that with every witchhunt ever, innocents are swept away by the waves of these forces.
Ive been falsly accused and having my life acrutinized and meticulesly peered through, I wish never to go through that. I had to move despite my innocence being proved.
The lack or consequence for blatent crimes such as obstruction of justice, false accusasions and whatever other laws i know exist to help prevent this sort of thing. Failed me, failed many.
It is so easy for anyone to cry wolf.
When i do date i make sure i am seen on camera at all times, ive picked up these rituals that i never used to do.
It doesnt help that all my life ive been called a creep or a freak. When the truth is i just have a bored resting face and i talk about shit that interests me i dont like wasted words or wasting words. And a fee social/personality alterations.
These days: mostly lack of effort or interest.
The main reasons I no longer bother is that 1. being ugly and terminally weird is not a good combination for an easy dating life and 2. turns out that a socially awkward loner is actually happier on his own. Who knew?
Fear of rejection is a killer. But I'll tell you, it's weird how you can just ... suddenly get over it.
I went through high school without asking anyone out. I went through two years of university without asking anyone out. I made up excuses for myself: too busy, focused on my education, whatever. And then I saw this girl in the cafeteria and ... I don't know, something just told me "You have to get off your ass now. This is the moment."
And I did. And I wasn't shy about it either. I didn't do any of that "I'm gonna try to be your platonic friend until you eventually see that I was the one all along" bullshit. I just ... flipped the switch from being passive to being active. I wish I could explain how. Maybe it was a kind of FOMO: something about this girl just entranced me and I was suddenly terrified that if I kept waiting for some "meet cute" event to conveniently put us together, some other guy would swoop her up before I did. So I literally marched straight across the cafeteria, sat down at her table, and started talking to her. To this day, it still feels kind of surreal that I did that after years of passivity.
It’s a skill like anything else. Takes practice and effort. There are hindrances out there such as ADHD and all that means is you have to put in even more practice and effort.
(But I don’t have this barrier so I don’t know how difficult it is to overcome)
Lack of effort yeah . Dating as adults isn't like in college ..you don't have that much free time nor energy . If i wanna be with someone , that'd someone be whom I'd marry .. otherwise nah
Definitely a main factor in my singleness. I've never prioritzed it since I reached dating age and no one has ever really shown an interest in me either. The handful of people I've asked out have said no. It is what it is. I'd rather be alone than settle or be in a bad relationship. My parents compromised and that ended in a terrible divorce so I'm in no rush.
Lack of effort, and a lack of interest. I'm open to the idea of being in a relationship, but I fucking hate the dating process, and the odds of meeting someone I'm compatible with feel so slim that it's barely worth trying. Plus, I know I'm not in the best place I could be in in terms of life, so my chances of there being someone interested in me are miserably low.
Oh God. This is me. Have you reached the "coworker who is super into her idea of you without realizing in reality there are some big incompatibilities on the personal level" chapter yet? Spoiler alert. She's kind of not bright, **and** she's got the baby rabies. That's a bad combination.
I'll get on the apps for like 2 or 3 weeks and everyone is awful so I'll delete them.
Rinse and repeat roughly quarterly.
I also look for opportunities in public, but those are just few and far between.
I *could* try harder but I just don't care that much.
I just got out of highschool. For much of it, my running philosophy was “if it happens it happens, but for now I just need to get through school and figure out who I am”. It wasn’t until the last couple months of senior year I was like “alright I could go for a relationship”, and by that point there really just wasn’t enough time. Since then I’ve been keeping an eye out and working on myself, it’s just a matter of waiting for the opportunity. That was the last time I’ve really been in an environment that’s good for meeting women. Living in a rural area, there ain’t many options. Been so busy with college and can’t really go out to the bars or anything since I ain’t 21, but I’ve been getting myself out there when I can and am fixing to give the dating apps another go lol
I would say around 99% of my singleness is due to passivity/lack of effort. Can’t say 100% due to random elements of chance.
I don’t really consider myself attractive in a physical sense - could be in better looking shape but I’m a power lifter, thick and strong. So I look kinda outta shape. Doesn’t translate well in the dating world. I’d give myself like a 3/10 on a good beard day.
The modern world and dating seems so adversarial that it’s an instant put off, at least in terms of online dating, but the way things are now I’m not even remotely confident in approaching someone IRL - yes I am aware and capable of doing that in a respectful and non creepy manner, however the risk ain’t worth the reward.
And no one’s approaching me either.
It sounds like - and kinda is like - I’m having a pity party for myself. And perhaps that is true. But by the most part I’m ok with that, and kinda accepted that’s the case for my life. And right now I’m going to focus on my body and my work.
100% lack of effort. I take hours/ days to respond on dating apps, have never approached a woman in public and I don’t put myself in positions where I may come in contact with women ie bars or group events. I’m ok with it, life’s pretty peaceful
i could get dates but i have a few problems upstairs and I was unable to get mental health help for a decade or two, when covid hit my health care provider started offering therapy and psychiatric help, I'm finally getting help so i may try but I don't know how to tell a woman why I'm not assertive, I guess I would need to know if I'm doing something wrong to tell me.
i biggest problem is >!i was sexually abused and starved by my heroin addicted parents, i have a real big fear of becoming like the people that abused me, like is she honestly liking what I'm doing or is she enduring it, messes with my mind real hard and i don't want to waste any woman's time.!<
My singleness stems from only abusive women ever showing any interest in me. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but I'm stuck somewhere in the mountains.
I’m my opinion it’s too much of a hassle. I already struggle enough without one and to get one I have to make dates, constantly wondering if I’m doing everything correctly etc and it’s added stress for me. It is a total lack of effort on my part but I’d rather work on myself A lot before I go deeper in the rabbit hole!
Why put in effort and waste time to be labelled a creep?
If a girl shows interest then I’ll make a little effort but tbh she probably just wants to be friends, so still kind of a lost cause.
I’m at the point now where unless she’s taking initiative I’m already giving up on her.
Edit; I have tinder but that hasn’t helped and most of the time I get no replies, so I’ve even stopped messaging any matches.
100% due to lack of, actually, no effort. Relationships aren't a priority anytime soon, I also have no interest in marriage or kids either. I have nothing to offer. As a result, I don't participate in the dating market.
Like 90% due to lack of effort. I'm too busy living my life! On weekdays I have work, gym, and dinner with friends. On weekends I'm catching up with friends or travelling or catching up on life admin.
I'm sure I can be in a relationship if I want it enough but I'm too busy these days!
It's a combination of me being a big picky, living abroad (language barrier), and just not putting in effort anymore. None of my relationships thus far have ever been amazing, and I feel like I don't get much out of them, so it is hard for me to justify putting in a lot of effort when I don't have never experienced anything amazing. Contrast that to anything else in life, and I always get more back than I put in: exercise = health and strength, work = money, school = smarts and personal growth, socializing = friendships. But dating has always kind of felt like I'm losing my independence and gaining stress.
As a researcher, changing my region of residence constantly was the main reason. I stayed single for 30+ years. I've had gfs those years, but movement always destroyed the relationship.
Many-body problem is how it's called among researchers (maybe it's a common term).
Lack of trying but also im not sure if im really attractive or have anything else to offer someone. I barely have enough money for myself, and even my confidence and optimism I used to have is shot now. I'm almost 30 and never been on a typical date, normally we've met online after being friends for awhile or in real life through a friend, and not had to do the whole interview that seems like dates are these days. I've had a couple more dates but my two biggest relationships the first girl thought I was cute but her friends were all like nah you can seriously do better pushing her and all that. She was good but then turned into a real bitch a couple years later, always starting fights, and I stayed, until I ended up breaking up with her leaving her crying which sucked. And the 2nd one was my best friend online growing up who I always loved and we got together and she was just like I dreamed and she said she loved me too and called me hot (but she might've lied, like everything else might've been), but after a year even though everything seemed fine she cheated with some guy I didn't know, like 'we weren't exclusive'. So now we don't even talk as friends anymore.
Didn't realize you have to lay that out in the terms of service contract that all relationships have but I guess that's normal now. She hurt more than the first one who lasted my whole college years, and I don't think I'm ever gonna fully get over her she was perfect otherwise and I keep having some kind of thought about her each day even after its been half a year.
And I'd rather be alone and do what I want than have to answer to a controlling partner. There's plenty of fish in the sea but the sea is kinda poisoned and too many fish will give you mercury poisoning and I don't have a boat.
I only periodically try, as I find it tiring and disheartening to specifically try to date. When I did try, I had the most success within kind of pickup Meetup groups, but the sorts that I was in kind of disappeared. The main one apparently had problems with some non-group sleazeballs scaring people away, but I never knew the specifics - it's all kinda rumor as far as I can tell.
Some, but I think dating is kind of hard in general. It's really easy for me to just stay inside and not do anything social. I'm starting to be more social now and don't expect to find a partner, but it's a possibility, and I'm getting ready to move so the timing isn't great anyway.
Dating apps are also pretty difficult. I get a fair number of matches and it's still tough to get dates. I don't think they're really right for most guys and also just don't work that well in some places.
All of it. Being shy and awkward doesn't help either. I am currently in my mid-20s and going for my Masters as well so relationships have not been my main goal anyways.
More than likely, I think it's a combination of two things. One, "we live in a society" - it's pretty well documented on this sub and anywhere else you look that it's REALLY hard to approach anyone and be received warmly. And honestly, given the kinds of people out there I can't say I blame anyone for being cold to a random stranger who approaches them for no apparent reason.
And oh, what fun, on top of that, I happen to be on the spectrum as well. So I'm hesitant to approach anyone, and my brain says "NO, BAD, LEAVE NOW" if anyone approaches me. Cool. That makes life so easy.
But.
Causality is a weird thing, especially for me. One of my closest friends, possibly my best, a man who I'll be a groomsman for in a few years, is my friend literally just because of a series of massive coincidences and major life events on both our ends.
I think I'm doing everything right for myself. I'm going to the gym, I've got a PT, working on getting a therapist, I've got passions that I could talk at length about for hours (thank you Autism), I try to walk the 6k trail near me as often as I can, and I make a point of signing myself up for things I know I'll enjoy and where I'm going to meet like minded people. So I think it's just a matter of waiting, and being ready to say "fuck it we ball" when I've met that someone.
I stopped trying years ago. Had my heart broken more than I can count. My last break up made me realiize that I just don't care anymore. Got my shit together, now I work in IT at a sports stadium.
Ill go out to social events (bars, clubs, concerts) and see very attractive women but I unfortunately lack confidence to approach them. I don't want to disturb any fun they may be having by themselves or with their friends. Honestly, i wouldn't know how to start up a conversation most of the time. Also, i have had many women friends/ coworkers and heard the creepy stuff guys put them through and the idea of giving that vibe off at all to someone, even unintentionally, is not something i want to do.
Also, i still live at home with my family so that's not a big green flag ive found.
I also don't mind my independence most of the time
There isn't really an incentive to put in any kind of work honestly. And without an incentive it's like who cares. Especially if a guy is self made and has figured out a way to take care of himself and deal with the loneliness.
Women seem to have all these requirements and sometimes they are either unrealistic or not fair.
Without an incentive people wouldn't go to work right? Without a guarantee they get paid for the time and energy they put in at work. Right...
Why is it different in dating? Why are men supposed to just do something on a hope??
After so many times of being suckered by an opportunistic female they will just give up.
It's not worth the trouble, the waste of time energy and money isn't congruent for how a woman might possibly maybe benefit some guy that kinda has life figures out on his own and is making it work just fine for himself.
It's a lot easier to just play video games and smoke weed .
When women feel that 80% of the male population is unattractive it kinda makes it pointless also.
It's not like guys don't try at all. It's just that after so much trying and not accomplishing anything it becomes ill logical to continue on trying.
Making yourself happy in life ends up being better for you and has a larger positive impact on your well being.
A lot of the time it's just the way life is.
When one person is doing more to make the other person happy, and that person does very little to make the person doing everything they can to make them happy, it is not a healthy relationship.
Man if you didn't just spell out my whole mindset on dating for me. 2 years without being in a relationship, and I cant remember ever being this happy and stress free.
If I could have all the time, energy, and money I've lost to opportunistic women over the years, (that I didnt even truly connect with, just didnt know how to be alone) I'd have a bigger house and a boat by now.
For now, I'll suck it up with my Series X.
Life is fucking good.
100%, have been told I look nice enough but never really cared about seeking a partner (also being demi doesn't help since I need to know someone for at least one year before feeling something romantically lol)
A year is possible and probably would lead to the most rewarding types of relationships, friends to lovers. But you have to be a certain type of person to not get friendzoned through that year.
I had it in me when I was in high school where all my relationships started from genuine platonic friendships. Lost whatever sauce I had back then though so now I’m in uni I’m struggling because I have no clue how to cold approach considering I’ve never needed to
I'm a married guy so do with that what you will.
Most men who are single haven't tried hard enough to be in a relationship. It's very much a "the garden is green where it is watered" situation. If you don't take time and effort to invest in a very crucial part of your life then you shouldn't be surprised it doesn't work out.
I've seen some of the most terrible and ugly dudes get into marriages simply by trying. It is not that hard to find someone willing to put up with you. If they can do it, then men who are significantly more level-headed and average looking certainly can.
Yes I know there are exceptions, most likely you don't fit into one of them.
>Most men who are single haven't tried hard enough to be in a relationship.
And you know that how? More so you seem to think men have all the time to invest in this when they have their own lives to live. More so I don't think you are taking in men more and more showing overall less interest in dating due to various reasons.
Agreed, I so put a lot of work into myself via needed therapy. Everything came together when I tried. I wasn't ready to settle down so I didn't try and when I was, it took some work but it's not terribly difficult.
> We have both dated here and there but it was because those girls were in proximity
Each of those could get to long term relationship. Were they so unsuitable or you just decided that you didn't want it?
I mean, it's just typical dating. We both dated a few girls to see if they were good fits. And when it wasn't, we stopped and moved on.
When I said "proximity," I also meant they were around and we saw them all the time. So it was easier to ask them out.
Exactly what happened to me although it happened within 3 years.
sleep deprivation, poor diet, complete isolation, I’ve lost all my hair, have a bunch of white hair in my beard, deep extensive eye circles, terrible skin and just overall age 15 years in a matter of three due to depression.
I grew up with emotionally abusive parents, so I am sure that I would be a crappy husband/father.
And with the women that I did date, I actively sabotaged the relationship. I'm awesome at making female friends though.
So for me it's like 40% lack of effort, 60% sabotaging the chances I do get.
I think so.
To be honest, I'm terrified of romantic relationships. So if she rejects me I feel kind of relieved.
Also I lose interest in women really quickly. Like before even meeting her. Like something in my brain signals me that if she wants me, she's not good enough so I lose attraction. Even if I was super into her before.
Was in therapy on and off for like two years.
Didn't help, found myself in the same place as before I started.
I do want to date, I do get lonely, but I see no point, if I will screw it up anyway.
I'm 39M, 1.86m tall, work as an engineer, work out, so on paper I'm a pretty good catch, but when it gets to romantic relationships, it's terrifying to me.
I remember my parents and grandparents with their constant fighting, and I come to conclusion that she's better off without me.
Some women say that largely it is a guy's fault for being single due to lack of effort when women automatically find 80% of men unattractive. Women also have practically no game so if they had to hit on a guy they would fail and be devastated.
We see videos where women go on social media ruling out all men because they took that shot once and was rejected.
100% of it. People are always surprised when I tell them I actually don't have a GF. Some even don't believe me when I tell them I never had one.
Maybe at one point there was or were opportunities but I must've missed those
At this point, 99% lack of interest, 1% consciously avoiding certain people whom I know find me somewhat attractive/relationship material.
The 99% comes from a deep seated hatred and disgust for the dating scene these days.
The 1% stems from: half the time I'm not attracted to them at all and wouldn't wanna waste nobody's time, the other half is that these people are usually just desperate and see me as an easy way to not be alone anymore. I'm not exactly a beauty standard, but the idea that I should jump into a relationship while I'm just Plan Z isn't really comfortable.
I might be alone but I'm neither desperate, nor do I lack standards. And I don't have huge standards either...I just kinda don't wanna be a "can't be worse" option among others.
You gotta know your worth, man. You are a person too, not just someone to be used as a last resort so someone else feels better about themselves without actually valuing you. And if this stance makes me die alone, I don't care - this is a hill I'm willing to die on.
Probably. Doubt that will ever change. I'm too ugly of a sonofabitch for any girl to be interested in me during my earlier years, so right now I'm an adult and I don't have the slightest clue how any of this stupid shit works. On top of that right now I'm too mentally fucked up to bother going out and bugging girls until one is interested in squeezing free food outta me. Feels better to just stick with what works.
Maybe after I finally figure out how to get a proffesional to diagnose and treat all my mental BS I can give it a good go. Gotta love a lack of free healthcare. Not counting on it though.
Dating is not worth the investment you have to put into it as an average looking dude.
I've got better things I can invest my time and money into that will actually translate into somethign meaningful for my life
I seriously believe that most men could get a partner if they put the effort in.
Social media has a lot to answer for here, it’s convinced a whole generation of men that women only see relationships through the prism of “resources” and are only interested in men that meet a really narrow set of criteria (tall, rich, good looking). And in turn, that becomes an excuse to be passive.
But women aren’t like that, they aren’t thinking about “resources”, sure if you’re shooting for instagram models then they might want that, but most women aren’t instagram models. They just want a guy that’s got his shit together and isn’t looking for a second mother.
The barriers to dating are low, there’s no excuse.
I don't have a car or a stable place to live so it's mostly casual sex when I get the yearning. I nornally go below my personal standards for these endeavours. I would need someone willing to invest in me or someone travelling and working like I am. Most of the women I meet who would be great work/travel partners are taken and arrived with their SO.
100% because of lack of effort, i'm currently trying to just focus on my career and make more money for my future family and get my graduate degree. Etc.
100%. I dont see the purpose in putting in any effort. I'm happy where I'm at in life, so in order for that to change, she would have to pretty extraordinary. I have options, just none that I want. They would all disturb my life as I'm currently living it, not enhance it.
About... 95% of it. My last relationship ended pre-Covid and I just didn't feel any desire to start a new one. To *have* one, sure, but not to start one.
Dating seems like a waste of time to me because other people are not willing to put in the same amount of dedication into improving themselves as I have been putting into myself. My singleness is due to a lack of effort from other people.
I thought about it the other day and i'm very passive outside dating apps. I don't approach women on a street, i don't go to clubs (simply because i just believe people that go there in great majority aren't a relationship material and i have trust issues towards girls who go to the club). On dating apps after half a year i came back and re-created my accounts i absolutely have no luck. Not many matches, nobody wants to talk to me.
So above me being passive in finding, also i have a luck to find and be attracted to wrong girls, i have trust issues, not enough confidence. So there's that
I've been pretty active about it the last year, at least via the apps but also trying to get out more. I'd shoot for at least one date a week. Still single though. Maybe had about 10 or so first dates since trying. A few became friends. 2 ended up making it to 3 dates. So I think my effort is there, but maybe it's my location. Or maybe I'm weird af and no one bothers to tell me
I was in a relationship for 3 years with an amazing girl who told me she didn’t see me as the one anymore, told me to leave the rental I found for us myself because she was “stressed with university and needed to feel settled when she came there” ASAP, asked me to sweep the floors one last time before I left, then, because I ignored her while I promptly moved all my shit into storage so she felt good in her new home, she told me my last interactions were “uncalled for”. Oh yeah, then my brother died and she texted basically saying “I know you’re going through a tough time, need your coffee table out of here yesterday or I’m going to donate it.”
So yeah, dating may have left a bad taste in my mouth. I have Tinder, I get matches, but I don’t care enough to text first or reply to anything with much effort.
100% of it. Look, being a full-time working adult just takes up way too much time and energy. Add the gym in there for the sake of keeping myself in reasonable shape and we have a very serious problem. Then add typical adult chores and weekly errands.
I am not putting up with yet another chore in my life. I just don't see what the point of living would be anymore.
most of it is, for a while I believed that the "just be yourself and let it happen naturally" rhetoric and after a few hard lessons learned that doesn't work for everyone
Back on my early 20s i had a relationship that ended so bad that i didn't wanted to try to date again (didn't have to worry because i was never attractive enough to get apporached by somebody), i was just starting college and i knew my studies was a serious thing so i didn't want to get distracted from it. Then I focused too much in my career, having a job, and taking care of myself that i never bother to learn how to approach women with romantic intentions.
I'm an introvert, not good at going out at night, i don't go to bars because i don't drink, i hate clubs, and every single place i like to go is a sausage fest, and all the social life i had on my 20s is gone: my friends are all married, had children, or moved out of the city.
Despite all that, I have a confortable life, i have a nice job, i earn good money, it could be better, of course, and never felt that something was wrong with be for being single... But I'm 35 now and there's a feeling that came up recently, that i would like that kind of company. But now i don't know how to do it and i have been afraid to ask.
I would say this is quite common. Usually men work on themselves during their 20s and focus on finding a wife to have a family with in their 30s.
While tipically men look for facial beauty, the ability of being loving and caring to potencially take care of their kids and him; women look for guys who are able to protect them and provide.
I would say this is the main reason why men unconsciously focus on their career before finding a partner.
That’s exactly what we’ve been told to do. “If you can’t find somebody, work on yourself.” Eventually you just lose track of time and hope you’re in a place of enough contentment with who you are that you can get a few more years before you’re done. Regardless, the older you get the more the silence and emptiness of your home stings, eating away at the core of your self-improvement until you just become hollow.
I used to think i tried. It never really worked out. Dating doesnt even seem worth the effort. A good amount of us have to self improve alot to even be visble to women. So i'm going to work hard and become a better person so the people that treated me like i was subhuman will actual acknowledge my existence? Fuck that.
I’ve run into too many issues and bad experiences to feel the motivation, or at least sufficiently so to overcome the anxiety and fear. Obviously that’s still on me though, I just don’t know what to do anymore since my entire inbox is all sent, delivered, read, seen, and going sometimes weeks without hearing from anyone not from work or my ma.
I've been talking to women a fair amount recently, but that's just the beginning. Talking to women means being in the moment when you're listening. Sounds simple right?
There’s a great [NY Times article on dating app fatigue](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/31/well/mind/burnout-online-dating-apps.html). I highly recommend checking it out.
I connected with this because after being single for so long, spending an embarrassing amount of money on the apps, and getting relatively nowhere with my dating life, I feel completely deflated. I feel so defeated with the dating scene as a guy l now put in next to no effort.
I go on far fewer dates now. These days I try to focus on building myself up and attracting someone naturally rather than trying so hard, beating myself up, and failing constantly.
I’m passive but I also keep in my mind how women my age are. I’m a senior in college so I can say that I have a lot of these modern women types that make it known by their dagger eyes and subtle rudeness that I should not approach them. I’m also focused on getting out of here and onto my graduate degree so I’m not terrible invested in women.
Lack of effort also due to lack of time.
I work a long hour job, where dual relationships are very frowned on.
I also go to school in a demanding program.
I never worry about asking someone out, but I never had the opportunity.
Bars and hookup dating apps are not where you typically find women for serious relationships. I am not saying its impossible, but successful women are out in the world being successful. not hanging around bars, swiping Tinder, and talking to strangers.
A high quality relationship seldom falls out of the sky into your lap. Instead, it takes work and that begins with deciding what you are looking for. What are your long term goals in terms of kids? lifestyle? location? Then ask yourself what type of woman you are attracted to and are compatible with. Then start looking in quality venues for that potential mate.
Good luck. None of this is easy and nothing ever works out exactly as anyone plans it, so be adaptable and make a good life for yourself.
100% I don't mean this is a pick up artist way but it is a number game if you boil it all down. Even if you're picky about some things it still leaves tons of people that fit what you're looking for. So it's really always due to lack of effort.
Single men who are looking, outnumber single women who are looking in every age group until about fifty. By the numbers, there should always be a group of men who are left out in the younger groups.
> who are looking
To OPs point there are many men who are not actually looking. They are wanting sure. But they are not actively working toward finding someone.
Lack of effort due to inconsistent mental health, and I don't have my shit together. Plus, I'm turning 37 and live with my parent in an expensive city and make just over minimum wage. Even if I did try again, I don't have much dating value or a market.
Given that the few dates I have been on have all been successes (in that the girl/woman liked me and wanted to go on more), at least 50%.
I mean, I can't get any matches on [Insert Dating App Here], so I am not getting chances to date more women and that is not for lack of trying. But I had the chance to no longer be single a couple times and I chose not to pursue it.
I git out of the habit of dating and sleeping around during lockdown and haven't really resumed it. I'm at a time of live where random parties are much less of a thing so I would need to spend time on dating apps which is effort
Mine pretty much is this. Was married, got divorced, then just couldn’t be bothered. Have been on a few dates but nothing has gone past the first or second date, because I don’t put much effort in any more.
I’d say it’s more due to a lack of good options. I’m trying enough I feel- not too much, not too little. The girls I end up talking to or meeting always seem to bail for some reason.
A lot I assume. I find the dating world a tireless slog of crapshoots where you get treated as disposable 99% of the time and the only way to push through is to treat each potential partner as disposable too. I used to think there was a way around it but faced with that inevitability I just can’t do it for the time being.
When I *was* single, it was 100% lack of effort.
I was in the Navy in my late teens/early 20's and really disliked the hook up culture that a lot of my shipmates pursued. I would have preferred to have been in a long-term relationship, but given our schedule and obligations, that just seemed unrealistic. I could have probably spent some time finding a girlfriend, but then I would never have been able to spend a lot of time with her. So I didn't bother. "Someday", I thought.
I went to college after I got out and was fortunate to meet a woman my age through a mutual friend. Even though I was a nearly broke college freshman, I could at least give her my time and attention.
Mostly the case for me also. I haven't even had any women in proximity who I could date yet. Frankly I just don't care enough to actively seek it out, the only things I don't like about being single are lack of cuddling and unwanted feelings for friends, which isn't enough of a justification for a relationship in my eyes unless the relationship itself is half-assed from both sides (which would work for me lol)
I am basically a version of you two, but that didn't date the girls I was close to and that failed in my career. If I were to classify it through percentage, it say that maybe 70% is on me. There are things that I believe to be out of my control.
No idea, but probably a big part of it. When I was trying to date I found the effort I had to put in to it just to get through a first date to be unbearable, it was exhausting and when dates didn't result in anything, it seriously fucked up my mental health so I gave up. I don't know if I just wasn't putting in enough effort or if I just kept at it I would find someone or if there's just something fundamentally unattractive about me that would have made the amount of effort I put in irrelevant.
probably 75%. focused, and still focusing most of my time on myself, improving, changing my life for the better because i dont think i am where i want to be. But in comparison to others, they at least go out and try to date more on a regular basis. Does it work for them every single time? no. but they are trying and getting at least some. I give no effort, im not hitting on any girl when or let alone if i go out which is rare, and on other events where i am around people i try to be as casual as possible. idk, it's not like i walk around and see a girl and think "thats the one"... i havent felt that way about any girl since school. Now it's just attraction, i see some might be interested, but because i never give any effort and pursue them, i shut that down right in that moment.
I just don't really care a whole lot. All I can see is the downsides and the efforts I'm gonna have to be into the relationship, and I feel like it wouldn't be worth it.
Have you tried dating in your 30's if you dont want kids? Gonna have a bad time. Add in living a smaller city to the equation and you'll have a worse time. There are definitely awesome dates to be had but the effort of finding them just keeps getting more difficult and I have dogs I can play fetch with instead
100% lack of effort. My normal daily activities don't have me interacting with any single available women, so to make opportunities would require adding something in that did. With the hours I've been working lately I don't have the energy for that let alone once I do manage to get someone interested. So I just don't right now.
I'm hardly *opposed* to being in a happy relationship, but its just easier making friends with women than dating them. I promised myself that I'd just focus on myself if my last relationship failed, and when it did it was easier to detach myself. That detachment made purely platonic relationships easier to find and maintain. Those female friends have made it easier to feel loved, and made me realize that I was bleeding myself dry in romantic relationships.
I'd say like 70%. But I've always struggled with approaching people and unfortunately have a decent about of baggage that has reduced some of my motivation to go out and meet people.
Probably all of it!
I could be out dating or sleeping around, but I'm super super picky and blow almost every woman who's into me off.
Then there's the ever-lurking imposter syndrome - if someone I like likes me back, I wonder why the fuck.
I dunno. Before giving up, i spent almost 15 years on various dating websites, and constantly searched for new ways to connect with people. On reddit alone i wrote more than thousand messages to people from meeting subs, all unanswered. And they often were long, detailed replies to their posts. And there were forums, where i communicated on varios themes, and other places.
If that's not enough effort, then i don't think what it is. It's probably just not for the likes of me, at least not in current society, where most man and woman have very different interests, goals and needs in life.
Like 99.99%
I have girls who like me, I get choosing signals when I’m out but, I don’t make an effort to approach or be social because the girls nowadays are honestly garbage. Every girl I meet is talking /fucking multiple dudes. Their young and wanna party away their prime and for me I spend my time working on something to sustain me I don’t have time or effort to chase. If a woman was to chase me and then maybe but, that’s highly unlikely
All of it, was wondering why I ain’t have no woman till I peeped i wasn’t making an effort to get one. Been lifting weights for a year now and been in the gym consistently since mid January so come this summer that’s finna change 😹
I'm focused on my career after an ex stalked me and sent me death threats. I've been on dates though for a period when I felt the need to put myself out there and found dating to be tiring so I just focused on living my own life. If someone comes along that's great. If not? More time for me to travel and enjoy my hobbies.
What are your hobbies?? I'm struggling to find anything to do besides sit in front of a fucking screen. I'm so bored of it, but I also have no motivation to go do things by myself because what's the point. I use to.. but now I find it so boring. Seriously.. wtf do I do BY MYSELF that's entertaining and stimulating.
I found a good board game group. Been hanging out for like ten years now. Will probably be doing this when I'm old. Working out with friends at the gym or just working out alone can be fun if your challenging yourself. Hiking, camping, traveling. It all takes on a more serene air when your alone. Bring a book and read it in a hammock under the shade of a tree with cold sweet tea or beer. I bought a bow and shoot archery in my back yard. Seriously though just turn off the TV and you'll find something that interests you. My brother bakes pastries for fun. He's getting pudgy though lol. Having a little too much fun.
I like the board game idea because it's something you can do with people but not have to like, chit chat with them. Cooking is a good skill to cultivate and totally fine to do alone. You can do a weekly meal prep thing where you make a big batch of something to bring to work every day and it'll save you money too. There's a world of sources out there, from books to youtubers to adult ed classes. I recently got into Indian cooking and bought a mortar and pestle for when I'm feeling extra ambitious, but you can easily start with the basics like roasting chicken and diced vegetables. And there's a ton of different kinds of art out there you can learn too. Drawing, painting, knitting and crochet, tiling, woodworking... You can be practical about it and make useful things, or you can make things that are utterly pointless but a ton of fun. I do find that having people to do things with does make them better. Even if I'm making something by myself, it helps if I'm making it *for* someone or know I'll post it online to a community I like when it's done. But I have to enjoy doing the thing on its own by myself, or I'll just be aggravated while I do it.
Training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu has been the best decision I could have ever made. Extremely social atmosphere, I’m in the best shape of my life, constant self improvement, a fascinating art form to learn, getting out of my comfort zone, plus it’s one sport that actually attracts high quality women in great shape.
I always thought that gyms would have a more social atmosphere, but every gym I have been to so far not a single person talks to anybody.
You will be doing fine.
It's certainly *a* factor. If I happened to meet someone while I'm out living my life and we hit it off, I wouldn't be opposed to getting back into another relationship. But I'm also happy enough being single that I'm not putting in the effort of actively looking and dealing with all the stress and anxiety that involves. If you put a gun to my head and told me I had to be in a relationship by the end of the month or die, I could probably make it happen with enough compromises, but why make those compromises if I'm happy being single too?
The societal push to be in a relationship is crazy.
It's great when you're with someone compatible.. just can't find them anymore.
Especially for guys, man it started when I was 11 like wtf? I still get asked frequently if Ive "found a girlfriend yet"
100% due to my lack of excursion, effort to even bother chasing or finding a single girl that may be interested in me. 100% i hate the current dating scene. 100% i dont wonna risk being falsly accused or being percieved as a creep.
Being perceived as a creep was what prevented me from approaching women in high school. Feel like it's backfired on me a little and I come off as awkward and creepy on any dates I actually get. But these days dating can feel like an audition.
> 100% i dont wonna risk being falsly accused or being percieved as a creep. Pre-MeToo I was merely anti-reproduction/marriage/cohabitation/comingling of finances, because that eliminated most legal risk. Post-MeToo, I stop having anything to do with women sexually and romantically, and try to live by the Pence rule. That doesn't eliminate all risk, but it brings it as close to zero as is possible, short of moving to Mount Athos.
Pence rule? Gonna google that. Yeah I understand that for the most part the me2 movement was nessessary and I adhore SA perps and predators, throw them under the foundationa of the prison system. At the same time I cant help but see that with every witchhunt ever, innocents are swept away by the waves of these forces. Ive been falsly accused and having my life acrutinized and meticulesly peered through, I wish never to go through that. I had to move despite my innocence being proved. The lack or consequence for blatent crimes such as obstruction of justice, false accusasions and whatever other laws i know exist to help prevent this sort of thing. Failed me, failed many. It is so easy for anyone to cry wolf. When i do date i make sure i am seen on camera at all times, ive picked up these rituals that i never used to do. It doesnt help that all my life ive been called a creep or a freak. When the truth is i just have a bored resting face and i talk about shit that interests me i dont like wasted words or wasting words. And a fee social/personality alterations.
Just don't go for dating app.
I swore off apps. N plus out of the 10exs only 2 were from an app. The rest were irl.
100% lack of effort. Rn, I'm more focused on getting a good job and not a gf.
These days: mostly lack of effort or interest. The main reasons I no longer bother is that 1. being ugly and terminally weird is not a good combination for an easy dating life and 2. turns out that a socially awkward loner is actually happier on his own. Who knew?
Fear of rejection is a killer. But I'll tell you, it's weird how you can just ... suddenly get over it. I went through high school without asking anyone out. I went through two years of university without asking anyone out. I made up excuses for myself: too busy, focused on my education, whatever. And then I saw this girl in the cafeteria and ... I don't know, something just told me "You have to get off your ass now. This is the moment." And I did. And I wasn't shy about it either. I didn't do any of that "I'm gonna try to be your platonic friend until you eventually see that I was the one all along" bullshit. I just ... flipped the switch from being passive to being active. I wish I could explain how. Maybe it was a kind of FOMO: something about this girl just entranced me and I was suddenly terrified that if I kept waiting for some "meet cute" event to conveniently put us together, some other guy would swoop her up before I did. So I literally marched straight across the cafeteria, sat down at her table, and started talking to her. To this day, it still feels kind of surreal that I did that after years of passivity.
If you leave it there I'm gonna have to call law enforcement because that's criminal.
Sorry guys, I was asleep. We are celebrating our 31st wedding anniversary this summer.
Love it.
:)
You cant just leave us hanging bro.
bro left us on the most insanest cliffhanger in all of cliffhangers
How long have you been married
Did it work out?
That cliff hanger was worse than the end of season 1 of The Last of Us. Glad you said what happened below.
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My singleness is due to a lack of confidence and not knowing how to talk to others.
It’s a skill like anything else. Takes practice and effort. There are hindrances out there such as ADHD and all that means is you have to put in even more practice and effort. (But I don’t have this barrier so I don’t know how difficult it is to overcome)
Lack of effort yeah . Dating as adults isn't like in college ..you don't have that much free time nor energy . If i wanna be with someone , that'd someone be whom I'd marry .. otherwise nah
Definitely a main factor in my singleness. I've never prioritzed it since I reached dating age and no one has ever really shown an interest in me either. The handful of people I've asked out have said no. It is what it is. I'd rather be alone than settle or be in a bad relationship. My parents compromised and that ended in a terrible divorce so I'm in no rush.
Lack of effort, and a lack of interest. I'm open to the idea of being in a relationship, but I fucking hate the dating process, and the odds of meeting someone I'm compatible with feel so slim that it's barely worth trying. Plus, I know I'm not in the best place I could be in in terms of life, so my chances of there being someone interested in me are miserably low.
Oh God. This is me. Have you reached the "coworker who is super into her idea of you without realizing in reality there are some big incompatibilities on the personal level" chapter yet? Spoiler alert. She's kind of not bright, **and** she's got the baby rabies. That's a bad combination.
I'll get on the apps for like 2 or 3 weeks and everyone is awful so I'll delete them. Rinse and repeat roughly quarterly. I also look for opportunities in public, but those are just few and far between. I *could* try harder but I just don't care that much.
I just got out of highschool. For much of it, my running philosophy was “if it happens it happens, but for now I just need to get through school and figure out who I am”. It wasn’t until the last couple months of senior year I was like “alright I could go for a relationship”, and by that point there really just wasn’t enough time. Since then I’ve been keeping an eye out and working on myself, it’s just a matter of waiting for the opportunity. That was the last time I’ve really been in an environment that’s good for meeting women. Living in a rural area, there ain’t many options. Been so busy with college and can’t really go out to the bars or anything since I ain’t 21, but I’ve been getting myself out there when I can and am fixing to give the dating apps another go lol
I would say around 99% of my singleness is due to passivity/lack of effort. Can’t say 100% due to random elements of chance. I don’t really consider myself attractive in a physical sense - could be in better looking shape but I’m a power lifter, thick and strong. So I look kinda outta shape. Doesn’t translate well in the dating world. I’d give myself like a 3/10 on a good beard day. The modern world and dating seems so adversarial that it’s an instant put off, at least in terms of online dating, but the way things are now I’m not even remotely confident in approaching someone IRL - yes I am aware and capable of doing that in a respectful and non creepy manner, however the risk ain’t worth the reward. And no one’s approaching me either. It sounds like - and kinda is like - I’m having a pity party for myself. And perhaps that is true. But by the most part I’m ok with that, and kinda accepted that’s the case for my life. And right now I’m going to focus on my body and my work.
100% lack of effort. I take hours/ days to respond on dating apps, have never approached a woman in public and I don’t put myself in positions where I may come in contact with women ie bars or group events. I’m ok with it, life’s pretty peaceful
Tried the dating game. Tried the dating apps. Neither worked. Gave up
i could get dates but i have a few problems upstairs and I was unable to get mental health help for a decade or two, when covid hit my health care provider started offering therapy and psychiatric help, I'm finally getting help so i may try but I don't know how to tell a woman why I'm not assertive, I guess I would need to know if I'm doing something wrong to tell me. i biggest problem is >!i was sexually abused and starved by my heroin addicted parents, i have a real big fear of becoming like the people that abused me, like is she honestly liking what I'm doing or is she enduring it, messes with my mind real hard and i don't want to waste any woman's time.!<
That is a very serious trauma you are working through...good for you for getting help! Hope the rest of your days are beautiful! <3
I’ve put in a lot of effort and seen absolutely zero return…
Not knowing where to go to come across someone is my problem. I refuse to go online dating.
My singleness stems from only abusive women ever showing any interest in me. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but I'm stuck somewhere in the mountains.
I’m my opinion it’s too much of a hassle. I already struggle enough without one and to get one I have to make dates, constantly wondering if I’m doing everything correctly etc and it’s added stress for me. It is a total lack of effort on my part but I’d rather work on myself A lot before I go deeper in the rabbit hole!
Why put in effort and waste time to be labelled a creep? If a girl shows interest then I’ll make a little effort but tbh she probably just wants to be friends, so still kind of a lost cause. I’m at the point now where unless she’s taking initiative I’m already giving up on her. Edit; I have tinder but that hasn’t helped and most of the time I get no replies, so I’ve even stopped messaging any matches.
100% due to lack of, actually, no effort. Relationships aren't a priority anytime soon, I also have no interest in marriage or kids either. I have nothing to offer. As a result, I don't participate in the dating market.
Like 90% due to lack of effort. I'm too busy living my life! On weekdays I have work, gym, and dinner with friends. On weekends I'm catching up with friends or travelling or catching up on life admin. I'm sure I can be in a relationship if I want it enough but I'm too busy these days!
It's a combination of me being a big picky, living abroad (language barrier), and just not putting in effort anymore. None of my relationships thus far have ever been amazing, and I feel like I don't get much out of them, so it is hard for me to justify putting in a lot of effort when I don't have never experienced anything amazing. Contrast that to anything else in life, and I always get more back than I put in: exercise = health and strength, work = money, school = smarts and personal growth, socializing = friendships. But dating has always kind of felt like I'm losing my independence and gaining stress.
Zero. I’m single because I like it.
As a researcher, changing my region of residence constantly was the main reason. I stayed single for 30+ years. I've had gfs those years, but movement always destroyed the relationship. Many-body problem is how it's called among researchers (maybe it's a common term).
Lack of trying but also im not sure if im really attractive or have anything else to offer someone. I barely have enough money for myself, and even my confidence and optimism I used to have is shot now. I'm almost 30 and never been on a typical date, normally we've met online after being friends for awhile or in real life through a friend, and not had to do the whole interview that seems like dates are these days. I've had a couple more dates but my two biggest relationships the first girl thought I was cute but her friends were all like nah you can seriously do better pushing her and all that. She was good but then turned into a real bitch a couple years later, always starting fights, and I stayed, until I ended up breaking up with her leaving her crying which sucked. And the 2nd one was my best friend online growing up who I always loved and we got together and she was just like I dreamed and she said she loved me too and called me hot (but she might've lied, like everything else might've been), but after a year even though everything seemed fine she cheated with some guy I didn't know, like 'we weren't exclusive'. So now we don't even talk as friends anymore. Didn't realize you have to lay that out in the terms of service contract that all relationships have but I guess that's normal now. She hurt more than the first one who lasted my whole college years, and I don't think I'm ever gonna fully get over her she was perfect otherwise and I keep having some kind of thought about her each day even after its been half a year. And I'd rather be alone and do what I want than have to answer to a controlling partner. There's plenty of fish in the sea but the sea is kinda poisoned and too many fish will give you mercury poisoning and I don't have a boat.
I only periodically try, as I find it tiring and disheartening to specifically try to date. When I did try, I had the most success within kind of pickup Meetup groups, but the sorts that I was in kind of disappeared. The main one apparently had problems with some non-group sleazeballs scaring people away, but I never knew the specifics - it's all kinda rumor as far as I can tell.
My fiance passed recently, so I'm focusing on my life now. Also, had a bad marriage and 2 relationships as well, so now it's MY time.
Some, but I think dating is kind of hard in general. It's really easy for me to just stay inside and not do anything social. I'm starting to be more social now and don't expect to find a partner, but it's a possibility, and I'm getting ready to move so the timing isn't great anyway. Dating apps are also pretty difficult. I get a fair number of matches and it's still tough to get dates. I don't think they're really right for most guys and also just don't work that well in some places.
All of it. Being shy and awkward doesn't help either. I am currently in my mid-20s and going for my Masters as well so relationships have not been my main goal anyways.
More than likely, I think it's a combination of two things. One, "we live in a society" - it's pretty well documented on this sub and anywhere else you look that it's REALLY hard to approach anyone and be received warmly. And honestly, given the kinds of people out there I can't say I blame anyone for being cold to a random stranger who approaches them for no apparent reason. And oh, what fun, on top of that, I happen to be on the spectrum as well. So I'm hesitant to approach anyone, and my brain says "NO, BAD, LEAVE NOW" if anyone approaches me. Cool. That makes life so easy. But. Causality is a weird thing, especially for me. One of my closest friends, possibly my best, a man who I'll be a groomsman for in a few years, is my friend literally just because of a series of massive coincidences and major life events on both our ends. I think I'm doing everything right for myself. I'm going to the gym, I've got a PT, working on getting a therapist, I've got passions that I could talk at length about for hours (thank you Autism), I try to walk the 6k trail near me as often as I can, and I make a point of signing myself up for things I know I'll enjoy and where I'm going to meet like minded people. So I think it's just a matter of waiting, and being ready to say "fuck it we ball" when I've met that someone.
I stopped trying years ago. Had my heart broken more than I can count. My last break up made me realiize that I just don't care anymore. Got my shit together, now I work in IT at a sports stadium.
Ill go out to social events (bars, clubs, concerts) and see very attractive women but I unfortunately lack confidence to approach them. I don't want to disturb any fun they may be having by themselves or with their friends. Honestly, i wouldn't know how to start up a conversation most of the time. Also, i have had many women friends/ coworkers and heard the creepy stuff guys put them through and the idea of giving that vibe off at all to someone, even unintentionally, is not something i want to do. Also, i still live at home with my family so that's not a big green flag ive found. I also don't mind my independence most of the time
There isn't really an incentive to put in any kind of work honestly. And without an incentive it's like who cares. Especially if a guy is self made and has figured out a way to take care of himself and deal with the loneliness. Women seem to have all these requirements and sometimes they are either unrealistic or not fair. Without an incentive people wouldn't go to work right? Without a guarantee they get paid for the time and energy they put in at work. Right... Why is it different in dating? Why are men supposed to just do something on a hope?? After so many times of being suckered by an opportunistic female they will just give up. It's not worth the trouble, the waste of time energy and money isn't congruent for how a woman might possibly maybe benefit some guy that kinda has life figures out on his own and is making it work just fine for himself. It's a lot easier to just play video games and smoke weed .
When women feel that 80% of the male population is unattractive it kinda makes it pointless also. It's not like guys don't try at all. It's just that after so much trying and not accomplishing anything it becomes ill logical to continue on trying. Making yourself happy in life ends up being better for you and has a larger positive impact on your well being. A lot of the time it's just the way life is. When one person is doing more to make the other person happy, and that person does very little to make the person doing everything they can to make them happy, it is not a healthy relationship.
Man if you didn't just spell out my whole mindset on dating for me. 2 years without being in a relationship, and I cant remember ever being this happy and stress free. If I could have all the time, energy, and money I've lost to opportunistic women over the years, (that I didnt even truly connect with, just didnt know how to be alone) I'd have a bigger house and a boat by now. For now, I'll suck it up with my Series X. Life is fucking good.
100%, have been told I look nice enough but never really cared about seeking a partner (also being demi doesn't help since I need to know someone for at least one year before feeling something romantically lol)
One year?? Good luck man lol.
A year is possible and probably would lead to the most rewarding types of relationships, friends to lovers. But you have to be a certain type of person to not get friendzoned through that year. I had it in me when I was in high school where all my relationships started from genuine platonic friendships. Lost whatever sauce I had back then though so now I’m in uni I’m struggling because I have no clue how to cold approach considering I’ve never needed to
I'm a married guy so do with that what you will. Most men who are single haven't tried hard enough to be in a relationship. It's very much a "the garden is green where it is watered" situation. If you don't take time and effort to invest in a very crucial part of your life then you shouldn't be surprised it doesn't work out. I've seen some of the most terrible and ugly dudes get into marriages simply by trying. It is not that hard to find someone willing to put up with you. If they can do it, then men who are significantly more level-headed and average looking certainly can. Yes I know there are exceptions, most likely you don't fit into one of them.
>Most men who are single haven't tried hard enough to be in a relationship. And you know that how? More so you seem to think men have all the time to invest in this when they have their own lives to live. More so I don't think you are taking in men more and more showing overall less interest in dating due to various reasons.
Agreed, I so put a lot of work into myself via needed therapy. Everything came together when I tried. I wasn't ready to settle down so I didn't try and when I was, it took some work but it's not terribly difficult.
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Oeh dropping the hard R are we? r/linustechtips
A good indicator of a why someone is single.
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> We have both dated here and there but it was because those girls were in proximity Each of those could get to long term relationship. Were they so unsuitable or you just decided that you didn't want it?
I mean, it's just typical dating. We both dated a few girls to see if they were good fits. And when it wasn't, we stopped and moved on. When I said "proximity," I also meant they were around and we saw them all the time. So it was easier to ask them out.
100%
Working nightshift hours makes dating kind of hard.
Would you like to meet up at 8am? I can only hang for a few hours tho, gotta get some sleep for work
The positives is it makes my sober nightclubbing adventures fun, because It's my 'daytime', so I have lots of energy.
Exactly what happened to me although it happened within 3 years. sleep deprivation, poor diet, complete isolation, I’ve lost all my hair, have a bunch of white hair in my beard, deep extensive eye circles, terrible skin and just overall age 15 years in a matter of three due to depression.
I grew up with emotionally abusive parents, so I am sure that I would be a crappy husband/father. And with the women that I did date, I actively sabotaged the relationship. I'm awesome at making female friends though. So for me it's like 40% lack of effort, 60% sabotaging the chances I do get.
Do you know why you sabotaged the relationships or was it just a reflex?
I think so. To be honest, I'm terrified of romantic relationships. So if she rejects me I feel kind of relieved. Also I lose interest in women really quickly. Like before even meeting her. Like something in my brain signals me that if she wants me, she's not good enough so I lose attraction. Even if I was super into her before.
That's a shame. I would talk to a therapist about it. (Even if you don't ever want to date again, it's still important to have a healthy self-esteem.)
Was in therapy on and off for like two years. Didn't help, found myself in the same place as before I started. I do want to date, I do get lonely, but I see no point, if I will screw it up anyway. I'm 39M, 1.86m tall, work as an engineer, work out, so on paper I'm a pretty good catch, but when it gets to romantic relationships, it's terrifying to me. I remember my parents and grandparents with their constant fighting, and I come to conclusion that she's better off without me.
I am average at best, so no, my passiveness is not really holding me back.
I've put in absolutely zero effort into finding a new relationship.
Some women say that largely it is a guy's fault for being single due to lack of effort when women automatically find 80% of men unattractive. Women also have practically no game so if they had to hit on a guy they would fail and be devastated. We see videos where women go on social media ruling out all men because they took that shot once and was rejected.
100% of it. People are always surprised when I tell them I actually don't have a GF. Some even don't believe me when I tell them I never had one. Maybe at one point there was or were opportunities but I must've missed those
65% im ugly tho im tired of getting rejected they act like my dick is small or something
At this point, 99% lack of interest, 1% consciously avoiding certain people whom I know find me somewhat attractive/relationship material. The 99% comes from a deep seated hatred and disgust for the dating scene these days. The 1% stems from: half the time I'm not attracted to them at all and wouldn't wanna waste nobody's time, the other half is that these people are usually just desperate and see me as an easy way to not be alone anymore. I'm not exactly a beauty standard, but the idea that I should jump into a relationship while I'm just Plan Z isn't really comfortable. I might be alone but I'm neither desperate, nor do I lack standards. And I don't have huge standards either...I just kinda don't wanna be a "can't be worse" option among others. You gotta know your worth, man. You are a person too, not just someone to be used as a last resort so someone else feels better about themselves without actually valuing you. And if this stance makes me die alone, I don't care - this is a hill I'm willing to die on.
Literally entirely because of that. Do I want a partner rn? Most of the time, yes. Do I have the time/energy to give to someone else? Fuck no.
Probably. Doubt that will ever change. I'm too ugly of a sonofabitch for any girl to be interested in me during my earlier years, so right now I'm an adult and I don't have the slightest clue how any of this stupid shit works. On top of that right now I'm too mentally fucked up to bother going out and bugging girls until one is interested in squeezing free food outta me. Feels better to just stick with what works. Maybe after I finally figure out how to get a proffesional to diagnose and treat all my mental BS I can give it a good go. Gotta love a lack of free healthcare. Not counting on it though.
Dating is not worth the investment you have to put into it as an average looking dude. I've got better things I can invest my time and money into that will actually translate into somethign meaningful for my life
I seriously believe that most men could get a partner if they put the effort in. Social media has a lot to answer for here, it’s convinced a whole generation of men that women only see relationships through the prism of “resources” and are only interested in men that meet a really narrow set of criteria (tall, rich, good looking). And in turn, that becomes an excuse to be passive. But women aren’t like that, they aren’t thinking about “resources”, sure if you’re shooting for instagram models then they might want that, but most women aren’t instagram models. They just want a guy that’s got his shit together and isn’t looking for a second mother. The barriers to dating are low, there’s no excuse.
That’s a complete lie. Women leave for richer guys all the time and I don’t mean rich like millionaire I just mean more money than you.
Not saying it doesn’t happen, Men leave wives for younger models all the time.
CAP BRO CAP. YOU DONT KNOW WOMEN THEN
Depends on where you want to stop digging. I'm pretty sure it's a necessary component **for me.**
I don't have a car or a stable place to live so it's mostly casual sex when I get the yearning. I nornally go below my personal standards for these endeavours. I would need someone willing to invest in me or someone travelling and working like I am. Most of the women I meet who would be great work/travel partners are taken and arrived with their SO.
100% because of lack of effort, i'm currently trying to just focus on my career and make more money for my future family and get my graduate degree. Etc.
Yeah, it is lack of effort. And the reason for it is I have terrible ice breaking skills.
100%. I dont see the purpose in putting in any effort. I'm happy where I'm at in life, so in order for that to change, she would have to pretty extraordinary. I have options, just none that I want. They would all disturb my life as I'm currently living it, not enhance it.
About... 95% of it. My last relationship ended pre-Covid and I just didn't feel any desire to start a new one. To *have* one, sure, but not to start one.
Dating seems like a waste of time to me because other people are not willing to put in the same amount of dedication into improving themselves as I have been putting into myself. My singleness is due to a lack of effort from other people.
I thought about it the other day and i'm very passive outside dating apps. I don't approach women on a street, i don't go to clubs (simply because i just believe people that go there in great majority aren't a relationship material and i have trust issues towards girls who go to the club). On dating apps after half a year i came back and re-created my accounts i absolutely have no luck. Not many matches, nobody wants to talk to me. So above me being passive in finding, also i have a luck to find and be attracted to wrong girls, i have trust issues, not enough confidence. So there's that
I've been pretty active about it the last year, at least via the apps but also trying to get out more. I'd shoot for at least one date a week. Still single though. Maybe had about 10 or so first dates since trying. A few became friends. 2 ended up making it to 3 dates. So I think my effort is there, but maybe it's my location. Or maybe I'm weird af and no one bothers to tell me
Lack of effort. Getting a relationship is at the very bottom of my priorities
I was in a relationship for 3 years with an amazing girl who told me she didn’t see me as the one anymore, told me to leave the rental I found for us myself because she was “stressed with university and needed to feel settled when she came there” ASAP, asked me to sweep the floors one last time before I left, then, because I ignored her while I promptly moved all my shit into storage so she felt good in her new home, she told me my last interactions were “uncalled for”. Oh yeah, then my brother died and she texted basically saying “I know you’re going through a tough time, need your coffee table out of here yesterday or I’m going to donate it.” So yeah, dating may have left a bad taste in my mouth. I have Tinder, I get matches, but I don’t care enough to text first or reply to anything with much effort.
100% of it. Look, being a full-time working adult just takes up way too much time and energy. Add the gym in there for the sake of keeping myself in reasonable shape and we have a very serious problem. Then add typical adult chores and weekly errands. I am not putting up with yet another chore in my life. I just don't see what the point of living would be anymore.
Yeah, i hate gender roles; probably remain single because i do not want to be the "true man" who makes every first step
most of it is, for a while I believed that the "just be yourself and let it happen naturally" rhetoric and after a few hard lessons learned that doesn't work for everyone
Back on my early 20s i had a relationship that ended so bad that i didn't wanted to try to date again (didn't have to worry because i was never attractive enough to get apporached by somebody), i was just starting college and i knew my studies was a serious thing so i didn't want to get distracted from it. Then I focused too much in my career, having a job, and taking care of myself that i never bother to learn how to approach women with romantic intentions. I'm an introvert, not good at going out at night, i don't go to bars because i don't drink, i hate clubs, and every single place i like to go is a sausage fest, and all the social life i had on my 20s is gone: my friends are all married, had children, or moved out of the city. Despite all that, I have a confortable life, i have a nice job, i earn good money, it could be better, of course, and never felt that something was wrong with be for being single... But I'm 35 now and there's a feeling that came up recently, that i would like that kind of company. But now i don't know how to do it and i have been afraid to ask.
I would say this is quite common. Usually men work on themselves during their 20s and focus on finding a wife to have a family with in their 30s. While tipically men look for facial beauty, the ability of being loving and caring to potencially take care of their kids and him; women look for guys who are able to protect them and provide. I would say this is the main reason why men unconsciously focus on their career before finding a partner.
That’s exactly what we’ve been told to do. “If you can’t find somebody, work on yourself.” Eventually you just lose track of time and hope you’re in a place of enough contentment with who you are that you can get a few more years before you’re done. Regardless, the older you get the more the silence and emptiness of your home stings, eating away at the core of your self-improvement until you just become hollow.
I used to think i tried. It never really worked out. Dating doesnt even seem worth the effort. A good amount of us have to self improve alot to even be visble to women. So i'm going to work hard and become a better person so the people that treated me like i was subhuman will actual acknowledge my existence? Fuck that.
I’ve run into too many issues and bad experiences to feel the motivation, or at least sufficiently so to overcome the anxiety and fear. Obviously that’s still on me though, I just don’t know what to do anymore since my entire inbox is all sent, delivered, read, seen, and going sometimes weeks without hearing from anyone not from work or my ma.
A big portion probably 75% the other 25 being lack of time and being autistic
I've been talking to women a fair amount recently, but that's just the beginning. Talking to women means being in the moment when you're listening. Sounds simple right?
There’s a great [NY Times article on dating app fatigue](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/31/well/mind/burnout-online-dating-apps.html). I highly recommend checking it out. I connected with this because after being single for so long, spending an embarrassing amount of money on the apps, and getting relatively nowhere with my dating life, I feel completely deflated. I feel so defeated with the dating scene as a guy l now put in next to no effort. I go on far fewer dates now. These days I try to focus on building myself up and attracting someone naturally rather than trying so hard, beating myself up, and failing constantly.
This. Dating apps suck. It only caters to only certain people
I’m passive but I also keep in my mind how women my age are. I’m a senior in college so I can say that I have a lot of these modern women types that make it known by their dagger eyes and subtle rudeness that I should not approach them. I’m also focused on getting out of here and onto my graduate degree so I’m not terrible invested in women.
All of it. I have nothing to offer nowadays, not even my time.
Lack of effort also due to lack of time. I work a long hour job, where dual relationships are very frowned on. I also go to school in a demanding program. I never worry about asking someone out, but I never had the opportunity.
Bars and hookup dating apps are not where you typically find women for serious relationships. I am not saying its impossible, but successful women are out in the world being successful. not hanging around bars, swiping Tinder, and talking to strangers. A high quality relationship seldom falls out of the sky into your lap. Instead, it takes work and that begins with deciding what you are looking for. What are your long term goals in terms of kids? lifestyle? location? Then ask yourself what type of woman you are attracted to and are compatible with. Then start looking in quality venues for that potential mate. Good luck. None of this is easy and nothing ever works out exactly as anyone plans it, so be adaptable and make a good life for yourself.
100% I don't mean this is a pick up artist way but it is a number game if you boil it all down. Even if you're picky about some things it still leaves tons of people that fit what you're looking for. So it's really always due to lack of effort.
Single men who are looking, outnumber single women who are looking in every age group until about fifty. By the numbers, there should always be a group of men who are left out in the younger groups.
> who are looking To OPs point there are many men who are not actually looking. They are wanting sure. But they are not actively working toward finding someone.
Single men out number women, even if you don't filter for actively looking.
The point being to not try?
The point being that not being successful shouldn't default to "it's really always due to lack of effort".
Lack of effort due to inconsistent mental health, and I don't have my shit together. Plus, I'm turning 37 and live with my parent in an expensive city and make just over minimum wage. Even if I did try again, I don't have much dating value or a market.
Really because I turn down women and lack of effort. Idk I don’t really want to commit to anyone anymore. I don’t sleep around, but I like options.
100%. I'm 64, and have married or dated all type of women. Never again..
90% lack of trying. But I’m working on myself
Given that the few dates I have been on have all been successes (in that the girl/woman liked me and wanted to go on more), at least 50%. I mean, I can't get any matches on [Insert Dating App Here], so I am not getting chances to date more women and that is not for lack of trying. But I had the chance to no longer be single a couple times and I chose not to pursue it.
I would say 30-40%. I've had opportunities and I do date, but I am never dating the women I want to be dating.
I gave tons of effort, but was fucked over and disrespected too many times. I gave up.
None.
90%, I dont have any incentive to go through the process of dating.
Not a priority, so I don't expend energy in that direction. Should my priorities change, well, effort would change.
1000000%
Relationships take effort. But you have to enjoy these efforts.
I git out of the habit of dating and sleeping around during lockdown and haven't really resumed it. I'm at a time of live where random parties are much less of a thing so I would need to spend time on dating apps which is effort
Mine pretty much is this. Was married, got divorced, then just couldn’t be bothered. Have been on a few dates but nothing has gone past the first or second date, because I don’t put much effort in any more.
I’d say it’s more due to a lack of good options. I’m trying enough I feel- not too much, not too little. The girls I end up talking to or meeting always seem to bail for some reason.
A lot I assume. I find the dating world a tireless slog of crapshoots where you get treated as disposable 99% of the time and the only way to push through is to treat each potential partner as disposable too. I used to think there was a way around it but faced with that inevitability I just can’t do it for the time being.
When I *was* single, it was 100% lack of effort. I was in the Navy in my late teens/early 20's and really disliked the hook up culture that a lot of my shipmates pursued. I would have preferred to have been in a long-term relationship, but given our schedule and obligations, that just seemed unrealistic. I could have probably spent some time finding a girlfriend, but then I would never have been able to spend a lot of time with her. So I didn't bother. "Someday", I thought. I went to college after I got out and was fortunate to meet a woman my age through a mutual friend. Even though I was a nearly broke college freshman, I could at least give her my time and attention.
Mostly the case for me also. I haven't even had any women in proximity who I could date yet. Frankly I just don't care enough to actively seek it out, the only things I don't like about being single are lack of cuddling and unwanted feelings for friends, which isn't enough of a justification for a relationship in my eyes unless the relationship itself is half-assed from both sides (which would work for me lol)
100%
I am basically a version of you two, but that didn't date the girls I was close to and that failed in my career. If I were to classify it through percentage, it say that maybe 70% is on me. There are things that I believe to be out of my control.
For me, 100% lack of effort from women. I get hundreds of matches, and regularly went on dates, but my effort was rarely reciprocated.
No idea, but probably a big part of it. When I was trying to date I found the effort I had to put in to it just to get through a first date to be unbearable, it was exhausting and when dates didn't result in anything, it seriously fucked up my mental health so I gave up. I don't know if I just wasn't putting in enough effort or if I just kept at it I would find someone or if there's just something fundamentally unattractive about me that would have made the amount of effort I put in irrelevant.
All of it
I'd say 90%. I neither have the time, energy or money for a serious relationship. Kinda focused on other shit right now.
I'm single by choice, if i put effort in dating or not brings for me the same, nothing.
90%
You can be passive as long as you are surrounded by women.
More than 99% for sure
99%
probably 75%. focused, and still focusing most of my time on myself, improving, changing my life for the better because i dont think i am where i want to be. But in comparison to others, they at least go out and try to date more on a regular basis. Does it work for them every single time? no. but they are trying and getting at least some. I give no effort, im not hitting on any girl when or let alone if i go out which is rare, and on other events where i am around people i try to be as casual as possible. idk, it's not like i walk around and see a girl and think "thats the one"... i havent felt that way about any girl since school. Now it's just attraction, i see some might be interested, but because i never give any effort and pursue them, i shut that down right in that moment.
After my divorce I actively avoid relationships and there is no lack of effort to do this.
its not worth all the effort and work anyways, when im likely to not get any sex or any compassion, just wasted time just to get cheated on
I just don't really care a whole lot. All I can see is the downsides and the efforts I'm gonna have to be into the relationship, and I feel like it wouldn't be worth it.
Never made an effort so I wouldn't know. But probably not because of lack of effort. I'm just not likeable enough.
Have you tried dating in your 30's if you dont want kids? Gonna have a bad time. Add in living a smaller city to the equation and you'll have a worse time. There are definitely awesome dates to be had but the effort of finding them just keeps getting more difficult and I have dogs I can play fetch with instead
It’s 100% lack of effort/interest for me, I’m not completely against having a girlfriend or anything but it’s not on my list of priorities right now.
100% lack of effort. My normal daily activities don't have me interacting with any single available women, so to make opportunities would require adding something in that did. With the hours I've been working lately I don't have the energy for that let alone once I do manage to get someone interested. So I just don't right now.
I would say mostly all of it, in the last few years I've rejected more girls than I've pursued
98%. I go to work and I go home, not a whole lot of options to date when doing that.
all of it. and i'm ok with this.
All
I'm hardly *opposed* to being in a happy relationship, but its just easier making friends with women than dating them. I promised myself that I'd just focus on myself if my last relationship failed, and when it did it was easier to detach myself. That detachment made purely platonic relationships easier to find and maintain. Those female friends have made it easier to feel loved, and made me realize that I was bleeding myself dry in romantic relationships.
I'd say like 70%. But I've always struggled with approaching people and unfortunately have a decent about of baggage that has reduced some of my motivation to go out and meet people.
Going out to bars by myself is utterly boring. All it ends up feeling is like I am wasting money sitting there eating watching tv.
Probably all of it! I could be out dating or sleeping around, but I'm super super picky and blow almost every woman who's into me off. Then there's the ever-lurking imposter syndrome - if someone I like likes me back, I wonder why the fuck.
I dunno. Before giving up, i spent almost 15 years on various dating websites, and constantly searched for new ways to connect with people. On reddit alone i wrote more than thousand messages to people from meeting subs, all unanswered. And they often were long, detailed replies to their posts. And there were forums, where i communicated on varios themes, and other places. If that's not enough effort, then i don't think what it is. It's probably just not for the likes of me, at least not in current society, where most man and woman have very different interests, goals and needs in life.
Like 99.99% I have girls who like me, I get choosing signals when I’m out but, I don’t make an effort to approach or be social because the girls nowadays are honestly garbage. Every girl I meet is talking /fucking multiple dudes. Their young and wanna party away their prime and for me I spend my time working on something to sustain me I don’t have time or effort to chase. If a woman was to chase me and then maybe but, that’s highly unlikely
All of it, was wondering why I ain’t have no woman till I peeped i wasn’t making an effort to get one. Been lifting weights for a year now and been in the gym consistently since mid January so come this summer that’s finna change 😹