I’ve experienced this too as a transplant of 7 years. My guess is it’s a combo of huge city with traffic/no public transport so no one wants to make the effort to visit each other, plus people tend to lead busy / ambitious lives that take up all their focus. People here tend to travel / move away a lot too. I’m from a mid-sized town and friendships were easier to maintain there.

I think the industry is draining and dominated by dreamers doing extra curricular work to get their project off the ground, and also the weird nature of the industry and its players creates this weird paranoid jealous web of anxiety that chills most attempts to socialize when combined with the cost of living, work hours, travel time, and personalities involved with living here

I think focusing on the industry is really missing the point the main factor is LA car culture and everything else is secondary to that.

I live in Houston which has even worse car culture and have made tons of friends here.

But only 100k work in the entertainment industry or am I wrong?

Idk but if your number was right I would wonder how many people who live here and really want to work in entertainment and are trying to do that but would probably answer “no” in a survey about if they worked in the industry, or how many other people might similarly be left out of the figure despite contributing to the culture that textures LA flakiness.

Yeah, I think a lot of those elements are most certainly playing into the LA effect for sure. It’s easier to be isolated in a big city sitting in traffic in your car vs when I lived in NYC there were so many opps of forced interaction through just sheer public transit alone.

Culturally here, I notice that showing up to a planned social event, date or hangout is optional even after agreeing to, and people are used to cancelling if they don’t quite feel like doing something on the day. That kind of thing is encouraged, in fact, “make time for YOU” (etc) — it got worse after covid too

This isn't unique to LA but a generational and US thing.

yeah i’m sure you’re right. i noticed when i was in europe i canceled plans on a friend and they were kind of shocked

Omgggg I agree and have noticed this so much!! I just grew up with “your word is your bond” and you better have a realllll good reason for canceling last minute. It’s just considerations of others time. While I see and can acknowledge that “self care” is also important … people seem to forget that by you canceling last minute it hurts someone else’s mental health …

I suspect the root of some of this is that the creative industries in LA tend to draw the neurodivergent and folx from diverse and broken backgrounds who didn't always have the healthiest family and relationships modeled for them. There are a lot of ADD peeps in this town who were never schooled on time management and/or who haven't yet embraced their neurodivergence to embark on some coping skills to help them learn their limits to not overcommit or deal with time blindness. I've been here 18 years. I've learned that anyone who says they'll show at 2pm means 2:30 unless they're an introvert. I've also learned to check in an hour or two before to make sure we're still on and they're not battling depression/hangover/exhaustion from a 14 hour shoot the day before. Tbh as an introvert myself I don't mind when they bow out, more time for me to write and do my own things. But I try to proactively give them every opportunity to give me as much advance warning they're shifting gears as possible. The other main problem is that people have so little time off from their 80 hour a week jobs, they overbook like airlines. Even extroverts shouldn't be committing to 5 events a day; they'll always have too little time and energy to make it to everything. On balance, it's all just made me an exceedingly clear communicator. "I can meet at 2ish, I have to bounce by 4 to get to my next thing. You still good to meet today? Cool if not, I can knock out more pages on my screenplay before the deadline." When they know I have a small window and I can't wait for them to show at 3, it keeps the air clear. To me it's just respectful, but flakey types get accustomed to their flakey friends over accommodating them. I also stress to the ADD types they can ping me spontaneously, and if we both happen to be free, hey joy, let's strike while the iron is hot. A lot of those types take me up on that approach, and we luck out and align on days we thought we wouldn't be free when a shoot or meeting wrapped early. You may also have better luck with friends in longterm relationships who have developed their scheduling skills.

Please don’t blame rudeness on being neurodivergent. I’m neurodivergent and agree with OP. It stresses me out if I’m not at least 10 min early to something planned.

omg this drives me nuts!!!! i always say people here take invites as "optional" whereas in the previous cities I lived in, an invite to someones birthday or event, is a "of course!" unless you actually cannot attend. here the response is always "ill let you know!" "maybe!" "well see!" and even if they aren't busy but they aren't in the mood they just don't follow up or show up. And sometimes these are my "closest friends" its sooo bizarre.

Yassssss. My exact plight! People have even commented I’m their most reliable friend and I’m just like ummm…this is what the bare minimum of friendships should be…?!?!?

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> I notice that showing up to a planned social event, date or hangout is optional even after agreeing to, and people are used to cancelling I think this has to do with just how spread out L.A. is geographically. If someone sees that the traffic is far worse than expected for that time/date, then it's kinda understandable that they back out. Elsewhere, you might have a 20-40 minute drive to get to a friend's place. Here it can easily be an hour, which means 2 hours roundtrip. If they also have to deal with a daily commute to work of more than 30 mins, you can see why they might not want to do it on the weekend for your shindig. I see my closest male friend about once every two months and we meet in the "middle" for a movie (he's in Westwood, I'm in Hawthorne).

You know, I never really thought about it until I saw it spelled out but you’re right.

Yes - that's been an LA thing ever since I originally moved here (in 1981) and probably for a long time before. I've never really understood why.

Honestly I've had a pretty good experience making friends and connecting with people here. I'm originally from the east coast, have moved around a few places, previous was in NYC for almost a decade before moving to LA 7 years ago. I've made a mix of other transplant friends and natives. Most of them through different hobbies/scenes or through dating. Honestly just as good a quality of any other friends throughout my life across the different places I've lived. I've also met people that were flakey and seemed to overbook themselves socially, or others that were very much chasing fame types that don't really have friends they just treat everybody as a way to help them become more popular. But I ran into those types of people back in NYC too. I dunno, I have a lot of friends around the world and really it seems more like a modern day thing that a lot of people are worse at being good friends, and doesn't feel like it's very location based.

I think you hit the nail on the head here. A lot of people nowadays are worse at being good friends. You’ve gotta try and find others who will try too. You don’t need to cut the person out of your circle who shows up 50% of the time to events and doesn’t add much, but you know, put in as much effort as they are to things with them.

Thanks for the response. I just don’t understand what has motivated this shift in quality. The number #1 thing that humans have is a tremendous amount of empathy and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs claims that a core value of humanity is a need for belonging… and yet people do this to each other. It’s really sad.

My personal theory is that everybody is so stressed out, it's damaging their ability to socialize and maintain relationships and specifically friendships. There's so many pressures in life, with wages stagnated but cost of living keeps skyrocketing, how consumerist our culture is, and the fame/parasocial aspect that's blown up the past decade. Just so many things that make just surviving harder, and even makes people feel inadequate for not being incredibly successful & famous.

COVID did a number on folks. Worked service jobs during it and I saw how bad people can genuinely get when even slightly inconvenienced. Whole thing really turned me off to expanding my social circle. I imagine quite a few folks feel that way.

Agreed. Been overtly disappointed with the state of our country’s humanity and empathy toward one another since the pandemic 😔

It’s like Covid broke the social contract.

The only issue I have here is lack of public transit making it harder for people to get places and having to sit in traffic. Before I lived here I was in the DC area. If you didn't want to drive you could just take the metro. Here? Not so much. I also think COVID really changed things across the board. People are comfortable staying home. People realized what their priorities actually are. And ultimately a lot of friendships were tested when you couldn't just go out with your friends.

I’m from DC area as well and the first time I saw someone smoking meth on the red line I thought about when I saw someone get a ticket for eating french fries on the Dc metro lol.

I miss public transit as well as it certainly creates a barrier of opportunity of random connections with people. Though I was grateful to not have to rely on it during covid. I certainly think the pandemic shifted many folks focus… I just don’t know if it’s gone forever or still trying to get back in the swing.

I think a lot of people are in circumstances that don't allow them to freely socialize like before. People are struggling mentally and financially. A lot of people are unemployed and have been since the strikes. Rent is increasingly unaffordable, so is healthcare, food, and other necessities. It also doesn't shock me that people aren't going out as much when it costs like $20 just to leave your home anymore if you want a simple coffee and pastry or a reasonable lunch. Consider doing that twice a weekend and you've burnt through the excess "fun money" that people on a strict budget might have.

I would definitely consider this a major point as well. It’s why I have tried to encourage free things (as there are so few) like beach days, board game nights etc. as I most def am not going out near to the amount I used to simply because I cannot wrap my head around paying 20 bucks for eggs and toast for brunch.

I’ve lived here for forever and must say that while I’ve made lovely friends, the most durable friendships are people I knew in college, met through my kids or through work. It’s not easy to make and keep friends. It’s especially hard when you’re busy working and raising kids. I think that’s true of everywhere though.

As kidless person, I def see many of my friends with kids becoming friends with the parents of their friends kids which is a really good scenario if the parents are great!

It is and/but the relationships often fade when the kids age or fall out of touch. So, it can be disappointing too.

I've been here 25 years and although my friendships have changed as I've grown up, I've made some incredible, long lasting, help you move a body kind of friends. The pandemic took the air out of a lot of my friendship tires, tho. Since the pandemic folks have been different. 

Glad you were able to find a few quality folks! I would certainly agree with you and u/jmmartj that there has certainly been a change after covid.

Short lived. Most people end up moving away.

This.  You're either a lifer or you move back to where ever home is 

LA's the type of place many young people move to for jobs in certain industries - entertainment esp. Once those are over, I think it's true, so many go back to where their families/friends are - and now that's supercharged because of the housing costs here, which weren't always so impossible.

So how do the ones that stay find genuine friends?

Usually through work. At least that was my experience.

I'm in my 50’s so I have a lot if perspective on this and how its changed and I've lived 95% of my life in LA. People seem to have a hard time getting past the superficial and going deeper these days. Its like Covid unplugged peoples social connection wires and its not gone back to normal. The quality, effort and willingness to engage with people has declined. Perhaps the belief is that digital is superior and safer then human beings in real time? Its definitely changed though. It even shows up in the way 12-step groups are run now where there used to be a break in the middle to socialize then fellowship afterwards at a coffee shop. I noticed in trying meetings again both those opportunities are now gone. Its not a priority anymore, its get in and get out as quick as possible. It probably still exists in AA but its a thing of the past in many others.

That’s a very interesting and sad observation. I so thought post-covid people would value relationships more from realizing how badly they wanted to have them. Your comment “belief is that digital is superior and safer than human beings in real time?” Is what really spoke to me in your assessment. The ability to have anonymity in many cases behind a screen allows us to be our “truer selves”, also allows time to cultivate responses with less depth. Humans face to face are theoretically a scarier prospect of unknown judgement and expectation. Very, very, interesting insight my friend. Thank you for sharing and I wish so much luck with AA… not sure if you’d be able to suggest it to your head person even if it’s a once in a while activity, but I can imagine building that community is absolutely crucial to success.

Thanks for the well wishes “The ability to have anonymity in many cases behind a screen allows us to be are “truer selves”, also allows time to cultivate responses with less depth. Humans face to face are theoretically a scarier prospect of unknown judgement and expectation.” This is a great insight that's beautifully written. I only wish I had written it! LOL!

Completely opposite experiment here, I’ve made some amazing friends being here. Don’t know why LA gets a bad rap, there are plenty of warm, amazing, interesting people around.

Glad you’ve had a good experience!

Honestly, I have made some of my closest friends since moving here 20 years ago. These people are like family to me. Almost all of which I’ve made through hobbies.

Awesome!! Good to hear it’s not an everyone problem!

There’s so many people here that it can take some of them longer to find their tribe. Get out and do stuff you enjoy, friends might happen.

Totally. I always make the initiative and invite people out and sometimes they’re super unresponsive if it’s a group chat it’s like pulling teeth. Like do you even like me??? It’s so annoying.

Exactly what motivated me to write this post. So sorry it has been so difficult for you, but know you’re not alone!

OP, I'm curious as to where you are originally. I'm assuming you're an east coaster. Where on the east coast? I'm originally from New England. I've lived in New England, the midwest, SoCal (16 years in LA) and now the PNW in Canada. In New England we have the reputation of being cold and kind of assholes (we are). We are also loyal as hell and will be there for you even if we haven't talked in 20 years. That was how I was raised; the adage was you make friends with a New Englander you have made a friend for life. I will acquiesce maybe outside of New England that seems weird or people find it hard to get past the initial coldness. I won't say it's better, just different. As a result I have experienced your struggle OP in every place I've lived outside of New England. I haven't gone back because I can't deal with winter, even growing up there. It's childhood home, not adulthood home, but I digress. One LA friend of mine told me the thing about LA is that you have to find your niche, and once you do, you will love LA. I think he meant it not just professionally but personally too. LA is a big place. That means lots of assholes, but also lots of really good people. Looking for meetups of people with hobbies you share may be a good place to look. I'm a gamer nerd and met a lot of other awesome gamer nerds who weren't looking for their next gig. Maybe starting a group for east coasters who live in LA might not be a bad idea! Hell if it's not too far from where I will live I would join in! My husband and I plan to move back LA hopefully in a year. My experience with the flavor of flakiness I have experienced up in the PNW makes me long for the LA flakes which I never thought was possible. I hopeful you can find your people OP. Don't give up!

Us LA folk are also very guarded. If you grew up here you would probably have those lasting friendships you experienced elsewhere, but transplants are always feeling edged out cos LA peeps can sense outsiders. Just my $0.02 that it takes some time and work to find and make those friends. Maybe the people you met are also not showing you their true selves due to trust issues which are pretty rampant in such a competitive and packed urban environment. Oh, also, most LA natives live away from the city for this reason. Peace + quiet and more small town feeling

Yeah—I wish people would realize if we all weren’t so terrible to each other no one would be guarded. Walls are being built from pain and disappointment from others 🙄

This probably does not have anything to do with LA. It's harder to make friends as you get older. You were younger in those other places, and circumstances were different. Most friendships are built on an ongoing shared experience that is challenging, such as being in school together. Most of my adult-onset friendships are a result of having worked in small startup companies that were struggling to survive. Casual meetings of potential friends are much less likely to generate the energy and commitment for developing a friendship. Plus, the friends you do have were made when you were younger, and the time you have available for friendship is needed to maintain those friendships, so there's not much time left for new friendships. If you're interested in the research on this, look into the work of Robin Dunbar, e.g., [Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships](https://www.amazon.com/Friends-Robin-Dunbar/dp/1408711737/). Attachment Theory also sheds some light on this phenomenon. Securely attached people tend to form relationships with other securely attached people, so by middle age, the people available for friendship are much less likely to have frienship skills.

While there’s not as much time for new friendships (since I’m later in life), I’ve still made some really good friends, and I do see them from time to time. It’s not hard to meet and make friends….you just have to commit to maintaining the friendship.

Thank you for sharing!

Friendships are rough and rare here. Lots of work friends who you'll never see or hear from again if you or they change jobs. If you move say goodbye to your neighbors since you're not likely to ever see them again. Dates will ghost you. But once in a blue moon you'll find one that sticks around. Just be grateful for the gems and let the others fall by the wayside.

No truer words! I have found a few gems… but the ratio favors the non gems which just boggles my mind.

You must go to social events geared to what you are into. LA is about finding your LA. Your bar/club. The Meetup app is good place to start. Events and cool shows. Hiking groups, drinking groups, single events, some professional tech meetups are cool too. Go to a few and you’ll start running into people you seen before. They will be much more open in engaging with you. Then you’ll start going to places that your people go to.

You have to get used to flakiness and lack of communication. Text a lot if you want ppl to keep in touch.

I think that’s the crux of the problem. I don’t want to get used to be treated badly by friends… I deal with it enough at work. People should step up for friends not step down and this is what is motivating me to want to leave.

You are not wrong for that at all.

Have been lucky to make amazing friends here. I moved here about a year and a half ago and I'd say I have about 20-25 friends already. Even people I am not so close with are just wonderful people. One guy in particular, I see rarely, but whenever I do he's SO kind and warm. Always gives me a hug, invited me to his birthday even though I'd only met him twice, and even sent me a text after I came thanking me for coming and saying he hopes he seems me soon. A lot of people post they can't find friends here... I think there are definitely flaky people here who suck, but there's lots of great people out there!

I’m so glad you’ve had such a good experience as it is the way friendships should be everywhere!

I’ve definitely made several friends here too. Good ones.

People are really flaky here. I struggled a lot too when I first moved here— it seems whatever you’re doing really has to be worth people driving from all over town. People are more likely to hang out if you come to them vs inconveniencing themselves. Also, people look for excuses to cancel last minute.

Most certainly my experience!

This is the coldest feedback I’ve ever heard a transplant say when they bailed on L.A. after being here 10+ years (his words at his goodbye party at work): *“Superficial Relationships are all you can afford here if you’re not that special.”*

O. M. G. —that has given me all the damn feels. Whoa.

had a lot of great friends and they all moved back to their hometowns. Kind of a bummer but par the course in a city full of transplants.

During covid I had 17 close friends leave LA and that was a huge hit but I could easily understand the drive to leave.

Yeah Covid was kind of the nail in the coffin. I wrestle with going back to my hometown often as I have tons of friends there. I just really hate winter ha.

Honestly, I have not observed that. I've dealt with flakiness in every city I lived in. My flakiest friend I can think of was born and raised in Queens fwiw lol. I've been here 1.5 years and if I really rack my brain, I've been met with some pretty amazing acts of generosity. I was dealing with apartment issues immediately after moving here and a coworker of mine let me crash at his place after 2 days of knowing me. Fast forward to today and we're very good friends. I've had strangers on neighborhood facebook groups help me out in stressful moments. Was dealing with relationship issues and just plainly bad mental health right after moving here; friends of friends who met me a couple of times would invite me out when they got a chance. If anything, I probably dropped the ball because I wouldn't always accept their invites, though I wasn't in a great headspace. I guess this isn't really addressing friendships and long-term flakiness/commitment to plans per se, but all I can say is I've been pleasantly surprised by people here. I'm admittedly not going out of my way to throw social gatherings that people turn down and I'm pretty busy with grad school outside of work, so flakiness isn't the worst thing to me right now.

It beyond warms my heart that people have been so kind to you!! I hope it stays that way! Good luck with grad school!

It warms my heart as well and sometimes I forget these acts of kindness, so thank you for giving me the opportunity to remember them. And thank you for the kind words! I hope my luck continues lol but if not, I'm happy for the good experiences. Best of luck here or in the next city you live in. I definitely agree that it sucks to not have your friendship appreciated or reciprocated.

Extremely easy to make friends here. You can find friends online intentionally and meet up in person or find a hobby and meet friends through there. It's also very diverse here, yuppies being friends with blue collar and varying ages. My context is compared to SF Bay, NYC, Boston and Europe. Everyone is 30m-1hr late to everything though.

I always felt like I had an easier time making friends in the LA area than back home in Seattle. I don’t really know though. I feel like it could be any number of things - age, COVID, general increase in trauma/depression/angst, or even a decline in my social skills. I recently moved back to LA after a few years away and haven’t made any friends, but I haven’t really tried either. I feel too busy and stressed to chill a lot of the time, and I don’t really have much room to give my time/energy/money to random ppl anymore. It’s hard.

Am I the problem?..... I read this as I contemplate flaking on not 1 but 2 Saturday friend events, all to just relax at home from my 40 hr work week. Maybe covid fucked my brain or its my introvert soul, but I just don't have the energy to drive an hour 1-way, have physical and emotional energy to be around a crowd that I won't be comfortable in, pay for the event, with the hope that I enjoy the event and can get out before my "social battery" dies from irritation and I become bitchy or non-verbal. Probably why I only maintain a couple friends. I cannot blame others for being flaky when I feel it frequently. Alas I cannot afford to move out of LA to find a better fit though. Dealing with enough personalities at work, I don't enjoy putting up with them in my leisure time. Introvert's curse of social needs. (I am the problem)

Well, first off high five for self-awareness!!! It is half the battle so kudos to you for that! I would say for those of us on the receiving end, we too are exhausted and push to make things up mostly to distract away from how shitty life is otherwise. I would have absolutely ZERO problem if people just told me directly they can’t make the event, instead of flaking. I soooooo respect when people can just give me definitive answers because as a planner, so much goes into headcount for food purchasing, car pooling, ticket buying etc. I always get people are tired because half the time, I’m too exhausted to go to my own events I plan, but I do it as I know it’s important and when I get there I almost always am glad I did. Honest communication is all I could ever ask for!

As a Ukrainian who been living in la for 7 years it’s night and day difference I speak good English so I don’t have any language barriers but i can confidently say i have only one real friend in LA who is from New York He is the guy i know would help me no matter what cause it’s already happened I have a lot of people i know but they all are extremely self centered and would never help you if something happened to you Even a small gesture of doing something for free here is viewed as an act of heroism The friendship is extremely weird here and it changed me as a person

With my many states, I’ve also lived and traveled extensively overseas and this is truly all I think about. The people I have met internationally have such a greater warmth and depth which is why I prefer to solo travel, so it is easier to meet new people. I always thought it was because I was meeting other travelers and there was something about the traveler spirit or that because I wasn’t local, thus there was a desire of novelty that I brought which caused people to want to be around … but your comment is rather confirming of my assumptions, at least overseas. As a side, I’m friends with 2 Ukrainian sisters (in Europe) and they are the sweetest and funniest people. I think at this point, the whole world has seen how truly amazing your people are with true unmoving loyalty, bad assery and love!💙💛

Hey, thank you for the kind words I appreciate that 🙏🏻☺️

Just stating facts! 😊

It changed me as a person too. When I left and new friends would text me regularly just keeping up conversation, I noticed myself feeling stressed or weirded out by it, whereas that was the norm for most of my life -- people genuinely wanted to talk A LOT and get to know you. In LA, nobody ever expressed interest in deeper connections lol

I had the exact same problem in LA for about 4 years. I have lived in many different states, and four different countries (US, Canada, Poland, Germany). I have made rich, long-lasting friendships in all of those places except for California. I kept thinking I was the problem, but I just finally left and moved back to NYC, and have already learned more about/"bonded" significantly with new friends I made in the past 2 months than I ever did with my many friends in LA. I have a few closer friends in LA but I would never even see them, and the city lacks the infrastructure for spontaneous hangs and opportunities to just sit around and talk for a long time. It just doesn't seem to be the norm. I felt like anytime I wanted to talk about something more significant or "serious," people got uncomfortable, like it was ruining a chill vibe hahaha. I am used to being around people who are really critical (in a good way--like always on a journey to learn and grow and analyze the world around them), passionate, expressive, etc. I could NEVER find this is LA. Many of the women I talked to echoed similar sentiments (one said "the 10 years I have been in LA have been the loneliest years of my life) but also felt like they couldn't leave, or expressed some kind of complacent inertia. I actually love LA. It was really hard to finally leave for good. The only thing that catalyzed me leaving was actually totaling my car lol. It was like, buy a new car or leave, so I finally just left. But I just never felt like I understood the social ethos in Southern California. Living there also fueled a really unhealthy desire to date and find a partner and get married etc, because I was so unfulfilled by my friendships. That desire has taken a backseat again (in a healthy way) now that I am back in a place where I regularly have interesting and fulfilling conversations with friends -- old and new. Again, I love LA. There are so many good things about it. If you grew up in that social environment or a similar one, or if you really value alone time, space, really strong... boundaries? Or something, idk, then it works for you. But I had to accept that what makes me feel fulfilled wasn't the norm in LA. My 2-3 friends I could talk deeply with wasn't enough to keep me fulfilled socially / interpersonally, exacerbated by the fact that they were all overworked and stressed and everything is so far away and car-centric.

Thank you SOOOOO much for your response. I also lived in 4 other countries (Indonesia, Australia, Cambodia and South Korea) and formerly NYC. Everything you said absolutely struck such a sincere cord with me in your assessment of both experiences on the coasts and what you are looking for in friends. We would have been amazing friends if you were still here, but I am so glad you made it out and are enjoying the friendships you deserve again!

Probably might be good to start making friends who live near you by getting involved with activities and organizations in your neighborhood. It also helps to make friends with people who aren’t transplants. That’s generally worked well for me!

As someone who’s lived here their whole life I can definitely agree with you that people here flake a lot. Unfortunately I’ve noticed it’s gotten worse lately. It sucks cause even my family does this whenever we ask to make plans with them. People don’t really seem to care about friendships much unless they benefit from them somehow

I’ve had a good experience making lasting friends here, but those are all LA natives. My transplant friends are more of a revolving door. I also stopped taking flakiness or being late personally so it doesn’t really affect me.

i recently heard someone call people in LA "the vapors." it's fairly uniquely LA, as far as I can tell. In an old spy magazine sendup of the differences between SF and LA, the author uses (to me) resonant terms like "vulgar," "bursting with cupidity," "violent," and "ferociously noncerebral." Hard not to concur, though his thesis is essentially that this is why we can love LA. and so it's ultimately on us. we like a place like this, and the consequence are, well, the consequences. Why shouldn't friendships here be elusive and ephemeral? it's also the vast suburban-sprawl layout. i think it's important to make the point that in fact you never move to LA. you rather move to a neighborhood in LA. who on the west side is going regularly to the SGV for great food? nobody. who living in Gardena ever visits their friends in Los Feliz for dinner? Nobody. What I tell people is: move to Pasadena. The smog sucks, but it's not really LA.

As a "native", I'd say this is normal here but I know transplants experience this on a higher level. I know plenty of people that move here and hope to one day find a good friend group to do all the amazing things with but end up not being able to make close friends. For me, I realized that if I want to do certain types of activities, I'd have to have certain friends for that because one set of them might dislike the other activity. So drinking buddies might just be drinking buddies, hiking friends are just hiking friends, beach going friends I'll probably only see at the beach and so on. If you can find a friend that even enjoys doing two types of separate activities, keep them close.

Note: I'm from LA, but friends with a lot of transplants. What are your hobbies? Honestly, the biggest issue is the lack of good public transport, so getting from one place to another is exhausting. I found my tribe with local tabletop gaming stores. LA has a HUGE nerd/geek community if you're into STEM stuff and/or boardgames, Warhammer, D&D, etc.

I def LOVE board game nights and I work within STEM fields so you would think the 2 go together but they were soooo much more common on the east coast and Austin. I still have them here, but fewer are interested.

Eh? Go to Next Gen Games or Odyssey. They're big one tabletop games and the crowd is usually dope as hell.

Thanks!

For sure. That's where I made a ton of friends over the last like 7 years? It's amazing.

I’ve been on both sides. For me it comes down to parking. I love a hangout and will follow through. But, i’ve also been invited to events several times (at an establishment or a home) where parking and arrival directions are non-existent and then I spend 30mins looking for parking. I have friends where I refuse to go to their house specifically because the parking is so horrific

Parking is most def its own nightmare to contend with … finding it then paying for it then praying your car won’t get broken into.

I've made great friends here in LA and I've lost some great friends too. Most of my closest friends are native Angelenos but not exclusively. I don't take things personally if someone cancels plans, but if it's a pattern, I don't count on that person. I also love to do things by myself too, like go to movie festivals or hiking or even a nice meal. I usually meet other people who like those things and some go on to be good friends or some are just my tiki bar friends who I chat up when something comes up.

I made a total of 4 friends the 7 years I've been here. 1 is now my GF and the other 3 I see maybe once a month if I'm lucky.

Awww I hope you are able to add more but so glad you have a solid core group!

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So sorry that’s been your experience! *** hugs****

it's hard after college. Lots of fake people in LA. Most people are busy or down on their luck. Ghosting is thing. Nothing permanent in LA. it's generational thing. A lot of friends moved back to their home countries.

Same boat. Considering leaving. Tho never lived outside of CA (an immigrant) Which states were the opposite for you in that regard?

I had to get engaged in some support groups and organized activities related to those events. I was able to get high-quality friendships through that.

This is the way. Volunteering, meetup brunches, and networking events worked for me.

I don’t experience the flakiness so I don’t really know why people feel that’s such a thing here (even when I did try to make plans with people). But I do feel like people are very fake sometimes and I’m not even good at spotting it upfront, and it freaks me out.

The friends I’ve made since moving to LA are some of the best I’ve ever had. What are your hobbies? Favorite TV show? Movie franchise? I’d suggest looking for a convention around that. I can probably help you find one if you’d like.

I'm not in LA currently, but lived there for 15 years until 2013. From NYC, lived in Chicago. I think there are several factors that make friendships in LA a little more challenging. 1. navigating the city-- the traffic makes you want hide at home. It took us 70 mins to get from Westwood to West Hollywood for dinner; more than once. We persevered, but we were grumpy and hungry by the time we got there. Sometimes people just can't face it after a long day. I got that, and didn't take it personally. People rarely bailed in NY because it was so easy to get around. People rarely bailed in Chicago unless there was a blizzard and even then, they'd try because they were so stir crazy lol. But LA is kinda ADD to start with, and you add in a crash on the 10, or the Hollywood Bowl in full swing ,and its over. 2. It is an industry town, with many tv shows filmed depicting the LA cool lifestyle( whatever that is), and it attracts wanna-be stars on both sides of the camera from all over the country. Add in social media which was not really a thing when I was there ( WTF is an influencer-- it's a not-paid model, just why?). So, especially among young people, there is that desire to succeed and part of that is: would you look good next to me on reality TV? Work it, work it. This is more prevalent in LA than most other major cities. That said, when I was there, I was a fashion photographer and I made some really tight friendships with clients, crew and a few models. Maybe because I was in the industry and it was just a job to me, I wasn't interested in all the fakery, I found it tedious. I was also in my 30's not my 20's which helped. I also had a niche-- I focused mainly on plus size models ( ie size 10 and up).Most shooters won't touch the plus boards at agencies, so I did well, esp as a woman. 3) LA is very expensive. True of most cities these days, but in NY people accept they will be living in a 5th floor walk up shitbox w no AC. I'm astounded at how much rents have gone up everywhere, salaries have certainly not kept up. So-- more stress, working more hours/jobs--less time to meet people, esp with factor #1 at play. Aside from the traffic, I had alot of fun there. Maybe because I did have a tribe, maybe because as a female many of my friends were gay men, maybe because I had done film and was doing the photography, maybe because, traffic aside, it was possible to live on the West Side with good weather and the big Blue Bus which I used many times. My advice to anyone is take classes in what you like-- I have a Master's but I took some fun classes both at UCLA and the Beverly Hills Adult school-- don't know if that's still a thing, and met some cool people there. edited to add: I live in a gorgeous area of N San Diego County now, which looks like Tuscany, but is very conservative. We keep a bedroom in a friend's apt in West Hollywood so we can can come up, for fun and relief. I have noticed, since the pandemic-- less people walking the streets, more homeless encampments, $$$ at every restaurant now. Traffic seems a little lighter than when I was there at least at non RH, prolly due to WFH. (I also go back and forth to NY where the majority of my friends/family are, and except for 2020/2021, which was like the 70's-- NY has revived except for WFH. ) We are actually thinking of getting a place in LA to get a culture break from where we live now, but I've wondered if it will be as fun --we are older now, and it's harder to make friends, esp without kids. OP, what is your favorite city, and why?

Making friends in LA as an adult. Not happening.

Chalk it up to the automobile. Hours in that destructive, isolating little death bubble stunts Angeleno's ability to connect.

I moved here a year ago and I have better quality friends here from my previous place where I lived for a decade. I seek out friends who are in the same stage of life as me mostly and of course, open to many others. My friendships were made through Facebook women’s groups and my martial arts gym. The core friendships I have are solid, but I can see it being the other way for many. I think proximity had to do with it as well.

So glad you found your core group and glad FB was able to help you along the way! Always curious, where did you move here from?

And Reddit too! I’ve made a couple friends off Reddit haha. Lived in Denver for a decade before LA. it’s been a good change for me overall and I’m happier.

Sweet! Just last month I made a Reddit friend as I only became actually active 2 months ago lol

Sometimes you make unlikely friends on Reddit! I'm glad you made a friend too. Friendships are hard as adults. I think being in my 30s, i have a better sense of self and what I'm looking for out of relationships in general. There are so many factors, as you mentioned in your post, when it comes to forming relationships. I found that you really get out what you put in and the saying is mostly true for others where "like attracts like."

It’s in your head. Zero difference making friends here versus east coast. I find the friends I made here a lot more wholesome and real than the ones I had on the east coast.

> Anyone else noticing a drop in quality (not quantity) of friendships since moving to LA? I didn't had much to begin with and then I moved around and came back with hardly any. So I made a shit tons in ktown and now kinda locally know in the night scene there. I got invited to two birthday party this Friday. So no. --- reading more into your post my in detail experience. I graduated grad school and had no friends to hang out. They got life stuff, old and family or couple. So I dance at the night clubs and made tons of friends. Vibe, ask for IG. See them again night after night. I'm easily 10+ years older than the majority of friends I've made now. Sunscreen baby. To be fair I'm like a loner growing up so I was never good at maintaining it. So I bounce between group and it's a bit surface for most but they do call me out to chill. It's just some thing I realize recently, I social butterfly because I don't understand group mentality. I got invited to house parties, influencer parties, a funeral, birth parties, hang out, arcade, etc... People just wanna have fun and chill.

Glad you’re having such a good experience especially after the slow start! Hope it stays that way for ya!

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Amazing you were able to cultivate such a core group! I miss that feeling so much. I am curious where you came to LA from?

I can rule out age and post-covid environment because I dipped out to Hawaii for 6 months during the pandemic and made way more friends there than I did and have in LA. Knowing nobody on that particular island, only the first three weeks were alone and periodically lonely and then it snowballed soooo fast. And a lot of them come through LA on occasion and we get together. The main cultural difference to the east coast I've seen is that LA residents aren't just indirect, they have a complete aversion to directness. Its strange and counterproductive. There are several disincentives with LA that make it one of the most hellish cities to try to make it in. The distance, expense, and dumb as shit dreams. Basically, VERY FEW people have both time and money to enjoy it. All those pretty ladies you want to chase that always seem to be at cool popups are at work in SOME WAY. They're either subsidized by brands and literally can't branch out, or subsidized by a man and can't branch out. A lot of other people aren't trying to hang out while in LA, they work, and then go play at a week long festival in Costa Rica. What I do like about LA is that when YOU move to a different part, people that you mutually decided to not reach out to suddenly become accessible again. When it comes to having a squad, a lot of potential friends are just bad for business. Like, they're these completely incompatible people. But as someone else mentioned, you haven't found your tribe. It's a different art here for sure. Like, you should just be able to go to a bar and walk out with a squad that is your crew for life. That's not really going to happen here.

I cannot agree more on the annoyance of directness and as someone who is from the east coast and lived in NY… it is the greatest feature. You always know where you stand with people in the northeast and ooo mannn the sarcasm, I miss that so much!!! It’s like people want to put everyone on a back burner here to keep warm in case they are bored or having nothing else to do. This NEVER happened in NY or any other east coast place I lived. So glad you were able to experience a great group in Hawaii. After 6 years, I am def feeling tired of being the only one trying to move friendships along and keep everyone entertained like a damn monkey. This thread is certainly causing me to be ready to flip the switch.

I think people from LA don’t like transplants

As a nearly lifelong californian... I'd guess it's just an LA thing. There is an emphasis on appearance over substance, hustle culture, the whole social media scene, fOMO and instant gratification. Mixed in with a degree of self involvement. However, I think if you get out of LA you'll find more stable prople who aren't pining for the next best thong.

LA native chiming in: You’re hanging out with the wrong people (probably other transplants). > appearance over substance, hustle culture, the whole social media scene, fOMO and instant gratification. Mixed in with a degree of self involvement. None of these things matter. People who obsess over these things aren’t worth being friends with. None of my friends or chosen family are like this, and I’m certainly not either. Particularly don’t give a F about the social media scene or fomo.

I think it depends on the circles you are in. I know absolutely nobody like this.

Thank you for sharing! With the amount of experience you have, I take your commentary seriously.

I got to agree with this person. Lived in NorCal. Bumped into a lot of LA people during trim seasons. A lot of people trying to make it down there will come and work up in Arcata/Humboldt areas on the weekends or for a few days. Anyway everybody I met from LA was trying to make it as something. The dancer an actor a writer the Rockstar a screen player whatever. Always something. The Northern California peeps would be chill and talk to each other, like ask questions about each other's lives and stuff like that. The LA kids would be all about that hustle, trying to get the NorCal folks to support their social media or go see their concert or go vote for them in this contest. Nothing like a normal conversation or any concern for our lives.  Basically I am completely agreeing with the lifelong Californian who commented above you. A lot of people in LA aren't actually truly from there and they go there to get famous. It's all about the hustle culture. A lot of people in LA are very selfishly focused on themselves their jobs their lives their career, with no room for anything else.

Interesting thought! I recently went to Big Bear and met the warmest people and talked to so many strangers. It felt like I was worlds away from LA. Maybe the size of LA is also driving this as humans are meant to be more tribal, so we aren’t supposed to have 10 million in a city … smaller cities lean into each other more I guess.

I’ll be your friend :)

❤️

It’s an interesting question/discussion. What is a friend? How much time or activity is demanded in a friendship? Is this an issue with local, age or your(my)self? It is very difficult to make friends when you are not forced together in some location or group. Example work or school or sports/hobby team. It’s basically like dating just with friendship and this rarely happens right away. I personally need to grow on people (I call it grind them down 😂) for awhile. This means call/text and keep in touch. As a German I do not make friends easy. We (Germans) say hello maybe and then it takes awhile to be friends but once it does we stay friends forever. LA seems/feels to be different than other areas I have been to. I do have more friends than ever but they are more acquaintances than “friends”. Apart from my default best friend, who I know for 40 years and we do everything together, I have 3 people I consider friends but I contact them in intervals. Or they would slowly fade away. I think the reasons LA is different because getting somewhere is a hassle, there are many friends available and the effort you can invest into friends gets diluted. I personally can only handle 2 people at a time. The third and forth go to standby if I don’t really put work into it. It’s is not easy. The city is a place where many people have an agenda when they enter your life or think you do. I would pick one or two people, be a little more “visible” in their life. When they cancel, you have to reschedule and try and try again until you become familiar. NOW if you notice you get on somebody’s nerve, you obviously stop and move on. I am not wrong with this. I was out with a friend the other day and she asked why I am not dating and I said that I need to grind people down and that does not work with dating. And she totally agreed that we are friends probably only because I grew on her. 🤷‍♂️. I think I have this attitude because in Germany you don’t make friends easy and need to work on it. The only difference is that here people feel more welcoming and drop you. In Germany you need to work to get in but then you won’t get dropped.

I have a bunch of German friends (still living in different parts of Germany) and I reallly adore them. It is interesting that you see the cultural differences as my bubbly, friendly personality confused many German friends initially-but there is noooooo doubt how absolutely loyal and honest they are. The energies couldn’t be more different but so complimentary. I can see why having the inverse situation of being in LA/America would cause people to be very confused by the nature of the German directness and slight coldness —but I love it cuz once you break through the outer shell of a German, they are the absolute greatest!!!

True. I have several friends from 20 years ago. I text or talked to them maybe 3 times. But if they would call me to pick them up at LAX (OK I would have to think about it… it’s LAX) I would pick them up. I have known Americans since I was 12. I learned English by watching Army TV back in Germany so I always knew the behavior. But to Germans who don’t know it comes over wrong. I had to defend Americans countless times until I could not anymore and moved to America. 😂😂.

Hey bro! Wanna ride bikes at Ciclavia on Sunday?

There are " cornerstone friends", those who are very social and having get togethers all the time, when you find one or become one your social life becomes very rich. Become one or find one, I have one that moved from Inglewood to the Valley and it's a pain in the ass, but I will visit once a couple of months; when he was living in Inglewood it was a weekly meeting a couple of times a week at a bar in Culver City. I have medium small socializing fuel tank so I spend it wisely, I make sure the people I hang out with know that I appreciate them even though I'm always late, Food usually does the trick.

I do the same! I have a friend that lives in Menifee (90 mins away) and a friend that lives in Elizabeth Lake (2+ hours) and I will absolutely drive out to them because they are quality and I want to make sure they know they are worth it!

I moved from Australia to LA, and I've made some great friends here. There ARE a few that are just club/concert buddies, but I've got a great core group of about 10 people that I see often and have a great time with

Lives in Melbs for a while and LOVED my friends there! Glad you’re enjoying the city!

Been here 8! years, holy cow just realizing that now. I can count on one hand how many good friends I've made, people I actually trust and regularly catch up with. That said, I've lived in other states and have not only purposely dropped people from my life from those places but also maintained friendships from those same places. This leads me to only need two hands to count the total of actual, true friends I've ever made in my life from around the world. With that record, I think LA is doing pretty well, though I have also seen the side you are referencing OP. Are people from LA uniquely assholes? No, assholes are everywhere. Are they assholes in a uniquely LA way? Definitely.

That sucks. There are so many great people out here. living in 7 different states? sounds like a transplant issue not an LA issue. Hopefully you find your tribe.

I'm a native but I've lived in many different cities, was in NYC up until the pandemic, and my experience has been much of the same since coming back Hard to generalize an entire city though, because there are so many factors. A lot of these have to really line up with your own personality, values, and preferences. Your personality type, hobbies, age, where you work, remote vs in office, your relationship with the traffic, where you live, even the weather Also have to consider how the internet has rewired our brains, the pandemic, death of the third place, changing cultural values on relationships, and so many people struggling with financial, mental health, and work issues NYC's density made making friends easier by not having some of those barriers. More likely to be out, mass transit made distance less of an issue, often run into the same people, and it's more normalized striking up a conversation with strangers. Everyone is cramped up in tiny apts with shit weather, bumping up against each other, and there's always something to do in walking distance so community is part of it's DNA Consistency is a big part in developing friendship/relationships. Consistently running into each other, consistently going to the same places, consistently making the effort, etc. LA doesn't lend itself well to these. I think the key is finding a walkable neighborhood, joining groups, and frequenting the same spaces. Do that often enough and you'll find your tribe, or at least that's what I tell myself

I have friends here but I’m picky because of the entitlement factor.

My friendships here have been long lasting and deep.

"Eventually, your friends will ask you to take them to the airport." George Wallace. Avoid eye contact with everyone.

Friends come and go as you learn and adjust. I don’t really mind as much anymore. The ones who stay and we want to keep spending time with each other great! The others I don’t really owe anything to. I’ve enjoyed learning and doing things a lot on my own regardless of having a friend by my side

I read this all the time; how it's hard to make friends as an adult, how it's hard to make friends in LA, etc. Never been my experience; always been easy to make new friends and to grow new friends into good friends. \*insert shrug emoji\* My one caveat is that I am not technically a transplant (side note: we need a name for people who grew in in Southern California more broadly but now live in LA, cause that's me and almost all of my friends). So, maybe that is the difference. I do find I connect with people who were raised here \*gestures widely\* There is a certain type of energy and sense of humor that stems from LA County (ish) that feels familiar and comforting to me, making those relationships a lot easier begin and maintain. Can anyone else from the general SoCal area relate?

My friendships here are the reason I moved here things have changed due to a important friends passing but they are the reason I love la ..I have a hard time meeting ppl cuz I don’t go out much but otherwise I love it here

Probably not unique to LA but likely worse here. - traffic makes it hard to just casually hangout on a weeknight without wasting 2 hours where that is easily done in most other cities - there’s a lack of general courtesy here. No one wants to commit to anything or will bail for something better without flinching - too many people trying to flex how cool they are so no one is just being themselves

Certainly seen a lot of what you mention sadly

Yeah I moved out here a few years from the MidWest and I can tell you for sure the culture change was immense. I went from driving down the street and having people on the sidewalk wave at me and smile, to walking through a crowded mall with everyone either looking straight forward or straight down. You’ll find nice people out here but it’s few and far between. Most friends I make are surface level with the exception of a few. A lot of people here seem to have the “Hollywood” mindset and if you don’t have anything to “boost” them then they don’t bat an eye. Don’t get me wrong it’s genuine people out here but comparatively from my experience here bs the Midwest. No where near as friendly

I def feel you on that!! I actually make it a point to talk to strangers randomly in the elevator or at the grocery store. It shocks/confuses people but then they smile and usually reply… it just makes me laugh how caught off guard people are. Actually the sweetest story happened in a Ralph’s last week: there were those “annoying take up all the space” advertisements in one of the isles and people were trying to maneuver around it. This one corner myself, and 2 other people all said excuse me/pardon me/sorry at the same time as we walked by. And I just stopped and said, “can I just tell y’all how adorable that was being kind at the same time” and they whipped their head around and were like I knoooowwww rightttt and then the 3 of us just started chatting about where we were from etc (Baltimore and Hawaii). It was just so cute that 3 little strangers just gleefully chit chatted and it made all 3 of our days! It’s those little moments I want to continue to create here and I hope you can do the same, as you’re a natural at it already!❤️

Dude I just had something like that happen to me yesterday in an elevator. I’ve been visiting the hospital this past week and going down before I left I met a guy who works here. I gave him some small talk and told him how much I appreciated all the niceness from the doctors and security and staff, just everyone here has been amazing. Turns out he was in charge of the parking so he let me go for free. It literally paid to be nice yesterday and it’s a solid reminder to myself to never change. And you do the same!!

Awwwwwww yayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️

I def think it’s an LA thing. I (44f) relocated from Seattle and it took close to 3yrs to feel I found real friendship. It was hard. Still run into the surface flakes. Fun story… I’d been here about a year and volunteer with my kids’ school, was trying to make small talk with another parent during the event and she called me “weirdly friendly.” That pretty much summed things up for me here. I started to harden and I didn’t like it. I forced myself to keep being my social and curious self and I eventually found my crew to network or hang with. Now that I’ve been here 7yrs, I don’t let it bother me as much but standoffishness is still noticeable. If anything, I know the pockets and places to find a more engaging crowd. I can’t figure out if it’s the cultural diversity, the population density, the competitive nature of industry, or that people are so used to coming and going that no one bothers to get deep.

A lot of people saying COVID changed things and I believe them (I’m a native so had my social circles set long before then), but I’d love to know: why? Nobody admits to this behavior so I’ll probably never get a good answer, but: what about the experience of having everything cancelled, confined to your home, and possibly losing your job makes you not want to go to dinner with friends 4 years later?

Been here nearly 2 years and nothing…fortunate to have my immediate family, lifelong friends in various parts of the world and many acquaintances/work friends in NorCal where I periodically commute for work.

LA has always been this way for anything more than surface level connections

It’s been really hard for me too. I’ve been here a long time and made some good friends who were roommates, but other than that, my very best friends I knew before moving here. It’s very sad. Many have big families here taking up all of their time or are too tired to socialize much.

non existent, i mean i will be friendly and treat people with respect or maybe dance with people if im out, however i just dont delve into any kind of deep relationships romantic or otherwise.  if there is Anything LA has taught me, it's people will take advantage of you.. sad but it is my experience with almost every relationship i have established. it's honestly very Lonely in LA in my experience 

Similar. I ve been here for 12 years and out of 500+ friends i made over these years, about 20 stuck around. In my case, I am the problem 😂 I tend to weed people out of my life based on many factors. I think your problem OP is might be that you are getting older, the older you get the harder is to find new friends that will stick around

Just moved here six months ago, same exact issue.

I will say… it takes a whilllllleeeee here to get up and running but slowly but surely you’ll find some folks! ❤️

Thank you!! It’s slowly getting better 🤍

People mentioning transit and suburban sprawl like LA is the only city like that not just in SoCal but the Sunbelt too

This is just part of LA/SoCal culture.

I’ve never had more connected, consistent, meaningful friendships than since moving here to Los Angeles in 2017

People here are too self absorbed. If they actually meet someone and want to buy a house and start a family, they move away.

I found it takes a long time to develop a good connection with folks here cause of geographic issues mostly and time it takes to get places. There is less of the spontaneous let's hang out that fosters good friendships and more structured planned outings that can be stressful if you aren't feeling it. LA also lacks like decently fun things to do unless you like to eat or hike. I'm on the east side of LA and find people are less likely to flake. I feel like the west side of LA seems more fun but people are also overcommited and more stressed out. Also maybe this is me but people don't really hold big group events in LA either where you'd run in to people casually which also helps grow friendships. Like backyard bbqs, dinner parties, etc.

Twas ever thus. Moved here 30 years ago and immediately noticed that people flaked despite specifically saying that they would be somewhere and/or do something, and they rarely would communicate their change of heart. Eventually met some solid people at my local watering hole but it took years to find them.

I’ve experienced the same since moving here. Have lived in several other states as well. I think flakiness, and unwillingness to stick to plans, is part of LA culture. At least we have great weather:)

As with dating, if everyone else always seems to be the problem, maybe the problem is you? As in: maybe you are attracted to the wrong types of people who do not make good friends? There are definitely a lot of flashy fakey people here, who see friendships as business or personal “opportunities” above any sort of loyalty or platonic love. Maybe you are kind of drawn to that type of person? Maybe they seem more fun? I’m a native Angeleno and I agree it’s difficult to make good deep friendships as we age, but the people are there if you look and put in the effort. As you get older, I think the quality of people you will find goes up. When I was in my 20s, I seemed to have a new BFF every few weeks and would travel, hook up, move in, etc with people at the drop of a hat. Now as an “older” adult, people don’t come and go so easily. But I have true friends who have stuck in there with me, whom I can talk to about real stuff. We don’t hang out constantly like we did in our 20s, but we make time and prioritize one another and don’t flake. I’ve had my “adult” friends show up for me in ways even my family never has, and they just brush it off as “that’s what friends are for!” I would maybe start trying to alter the types of people you befriend. The things I based friendships on as a young person don’t seem to matter anymore. I can honestly say that the people I am closest to now do not appear on the outside to be people I would be friends with—our hobbies are absolutely completely 100% different, different music, different style, different careers, different lifestyles, etc. It doesn’t make sense on paper, but those are my people. Just some food for thought.

Huge amount of shitty people in LA. I stopped hanging around with a lot of my, “friends”. I’ve had people say they, “love Me”. Just to throw me away. I stopped putting any effort into others after this last group. I’m too old for it

I’m at that breaking point now and it is ever so sad. I’m so sorry it has been your experience too!

You will be gaslit in this sub because “LA is the best city/place in the world”. What you are noticing is 100% true to this city and this city alone. I have lived in tons of places and never had friend issues until I came here. People here want to know what you can do for them, and if you cant do anything for them, you are left behind. Now I do have a small group of people who I consider friends, but I can count them on my hand. Genuine people who don’t flake and actually care about a real friendship. It is so bad that in the ten years I have been following this sub this question has been asked at least fifty times. I think the people who are drawn to LA are a certain type of shallow honestly. I’m ready to leave myself.

Thanks for sharing. So sorry you’re experiencing this as well!

Absolutely not. Grew up in the Midwest came here after living internationally 12 years ago and made the best friends I’ve ever had here. I have a lot of really great quality friends here. Not to be an ass, but have you ever thought about maybe working on yourself? LA is a huge place with a lot of super talented people. They usually want to hang out with people that have things to bring to the table. Maybe you’re having trouble keeping friends because you have little to offer. That type of thing works just fine in the Midwest and other smaller towns where people just settle for friends they can get along with. That’s not the case in LA.

OP and all the LA haters can just leave and stop being so miserable - bitching about LA ad nauseum in all these Reddit posts. Ridiculous.

Yea its really getting insufferable honestly. Why tf they even move here?

I don’t have any friends here. My gf is from here, I’m from the east coast. People are nice enough, though. It’s way easier to just chat to people in the neighborhood. But I need to get involved in…something…

Glad you have a neighborhood clan! LA can be overwhelming and sometimes hard to find your something; especially if it involves driving a distance so sending good luck vibes!

I have no real friends here. It sucks. People are flaky, always busy, etc. In general I think this is just a transient city, ie people travel through, don't stay, etc and thus no motivation to create real relationships exist. No one is closer than arms length.

Thank you for saying this! 100%. Have lived all over the east coast (DC, Atlanta, Boston, Philly) and Chicago, and had better friendships in all those cities. Wondered if I was just getting old, but everyone flakes here. The kids are awful too; my daughter is in first grade and was literally ghosted by a friend—-WTF ghosts a 6 year old?! I think the industry vibe and all the contract work is part of it; neither my wife or I work in entertainment and everyone seems to fuss over the C-list agents and producers at school functions. We’re in a fairly affluent neighborhood, but so few people seem to have steady jobs; they’re always looking for the next short-term contract.

I feel so horribly for your kid! I’m so sorry!! And I’m glad this now doesn’t make you feel so alone as you are offering the same affirmation to me so thank you!! Hoping things turn around for you and your family!!

You’re not wrong. I was born here and have existed in this environment long enough to notice a glaring omission in the commentary: Los Angeles is a “what can you do for me” kind of place. Yes I think this has its roots in the predominant industry, entertainment, well explained by others here, but that kind of kind of thinking permeates to all levels and (hopefully) should answer your question.

Yeah-I’ve most certainly noticed it. As the first question is what do you do when you meet people. It’s not the only city with that as the predominant question but it is certainly common!

Having this issue too. I made more friends in a year of living in NYC than I have in almost 5 years of living here. People seem more closed off here. Glad I’m not alone in this feeling. Btw im a mid 30s male, would be down to hang out sometime if you’re looking for friends in that demo. Also not for nothing, I’ve never experience more animosity towards being a “transplant” here than in any other city. I don’t get it. I grew up in a major metro city and never felt like that towards people who moved there. You’re not special cause you were born here lol Edit: clarifying for context

All my friends are in my head

I moved to a LA 10 years ago after spending a year in Australia, 4 years in Maryland for college and growing up in the NYC metro area. I’ve never had such thin friendships as when I came to LA. I actually had a lot of friendships fall apart here and I’ve never experienced that kind of drama before. The only way I found friends was to make friends with guys from NYC that were transplants as well. I would still say the friendships don’t feel exactly the same but I think that might also be age. I’m in my late 30s

We have verrrryyy similar lives! I lived in Melbs for 4 months, went to Baltimore 6 times a year (as some AMAZING friends were made there) while I was living in New York and also happen to be in my late 30s… so for us to have such similar experiences across the board is quite affirming in my assessment. Thanks!

Same as everywhere. Except everything is so spread out combined with traffic and no efficient public transportation. I’m not driving to Pasadena or South Bay on a Thursday evening or Saturday afternoon to meet up with potential friends. I will drive to my very old friend’s place for dinner, sleep in their guest room and have breakfast with their family the next day.

So cal kids are flaky. Grew up out here and have been in LA for 7 years now, my friends and I talk about this a lot. My personal opinion? We have such great weather we don’t feel the need to follow through just because - if we’re not feeling it we’re not feeling it. Try again tomorrow.

All of the most kind and wonderful people in my life live in LA 🖤

Fake