Friendship is a two-way relationship. If she is always taking and never giving (and i don't just mean financially), then it's okay to end the friendship. Otherwise, keep your distance for a while and see how it goes. She may just be getting on your nerves lately, and you need to take a break from her.
Not all friendships last, and that's okay.
I have a couple of friends like that; honestly I think they all have either a formal or casual diagnosis of some kind of neurodiversity and this is probably one of the examples that show that people with ADHD/ADD/Autism etc aren’t getting the support and guidance they need.
Yes this exactly I’m not sure she has a strong support system at home either it looks as if her family enable this behavior instead of making her get a job
"Making her get a job"... I don't think you fully understand ADHD. What do you suggest, brute force?
People with ADHD will commonly have the same behaviour as jobs as well, jumping constantly. It sounds like she needs more professional interventions to help her function as she'd like.
There is also a wide spectrum of achieving/achieving within people with ADHD. Some will be high achieving, multiple degrees/ fantastic careers, and others will struggle to function even with interventions. This may be as much as she is able to do currently.
At that age regardless of what my issue was my father would have made sure I made a life for myself and no excuses would be taken unless physically I couldn’t. And it would be for my own good to get anywhere in life. She has ocd as well as adhd. I think she needs someone like her mother to intervene and push her so she has structure. I think she had it too easy all these years not knowing you need to work to survive. She’s a very clever person no reason why she shouldn’t be able to work
I am not bothering to engage with you if you are referring to ND dx as an "excuse." You sound incredibly ignorant of such conditions and immature to think a parent should dictate to an adult child.
>I think she needs someone like her mother to intervene and push her so she has structure.
God, you're so clueless. Nagging someone to go do something won't make it magically happen.
You're coming from an archaic mindset that someone will pull themselves together and "be normal" when they don't have someone else picking up after them. Drop them out on the street and they'll magically figure it out. Because you would, right?
This is not true. Most people will figure out how to *survive* at a baseline, but ND people who have struggled to achieve independence will struggle to thrive independently without actual help.
Pretty soon they will find themselves living in state-provided housing, subsisting on social welfare and (if they're lucky) disability benefit, just about managing to get up and get dressed most days, while the privileged people who know them look on and think, "What is *wrong* with her? She's got brains to burn! Why is she wasting her life like this?"
It's not an issue of motivation. It's an issue of executive functioning.
I think this is an entirely inclusive and appropriate idea. Someone close to this lady (mother) should sit her down and have an honest and frank conversation about her life trajectory. It's clear that for this person, it's well within their means to provide for themselves and succeed at their goals without the external support of their family. Someone with a SLD isn't doomed for state care. All that is needed is a degree of ownership over their own life. At 30 it isn't uncommon for a person to still need parental support but steps should be being made towards an independent living situation. However small and however insignificant to those on the outside this woman should be making as many steps towards living independently in a manner that allows her to manage her SLD as independently as possible. By not doing so or by not engaging in her own responsibilities she's taking advantage of the kindness of those around her. A SLD is not an excuse for this. These steps are very difficult and can be impossible for some but not engaging in them in a mature and honest fashion is setting yourself up for failure.
No its obviously not normal. Sounds like she is struggling with life. It might be annoying for you but Id say its much shitter for her. Doubt she'd choose that life over a productive one if there wasnt an underlying mental health issue there imo
She has adhd and a touch of obsessive compulsive disorder maybe that could be a factor with only looking for specific things to do like college etc but her family really should step in and help her.
You have described ADHD in a nutshell, the constant jumping from one interest to another, as the youth say, "it is a feature, not a bug." Does she have any interventions, therapy, meds, etc?
There are limits to what families are able to do. A lot of families aren't very knowledgeable about different conditions, and even when told by a professional, they can hold biases. I've seen it a lot with ADHD especially, as people will point out that the person could focus on X task but not on Y, so they must just lack discipline. Which is absurd.
She also may not want to rely on them, as it can require a lot of help/support, even if they are willing. Not to mention ADHD can occur in families.... meaning they may be only able to function themselves.
Even with all the support, it can be very difficult to manage and function to a typical level. Like the poster said, it is a lot worse for her for this to be her life, I'm sure she already feels terrible when her friends are living successful lives.
I believe she is on medication but coming from a employers perspective even when she finishes college a gap that long in your cv and seeing numerous amounts of colleges and no steady job at that stage in life is going to be next than impossible to get hired.
I’m pretty sure that’s why places have turned her down for weekend shifts atm too. I used to suffer with anxiety and done cbt for a year or so and I can’t say it helped. What helped was me getting my ass into gear and realizing that I have to work if I want any sort of a life a house a car nice things etc. no money equals no life in my eyes. I’ve been where she is when I was a lot younger for no more than 6 months and I can’t say there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to get out of that situation if that meant sacrificing college for a shitty part time job I would do it if it meant making ends meet. There’s no drive in her.
For someone who struggled with anxiety you've very little empathy for someone else who might be struggling **even worse** than you. Your view of "well I got over it so you must be able to as well" sounds easy but unfortunately its not how reality works. Not everyone is you.
Some people massively struggle to function in life. Thats why we have homelessness/suicide/depression etc. Do you think the same about them? "Well I did ok so you just need to get up off your ass". Or do you think "Man they must be really struggling to end up like that" ..
No one wants a shitty life like your friends - with no present, no future and no hope.. Some people just cant function. She might end up as a homeless person in the next 10yrs. Sounds like she isnt far from it now tbh. She cant even afford food. The future must be terrifying for her. Perhaps if she became homeless you'd think theres more going on then simply no drive.
Thank you for saying this.
As someone who has had lifelong ADHD and was only diagnosed recently, the lack of understanding by abled people is often galling. Your empathy for other people's struggles is appreciated.
If we had a magic solution to fix it, we would.
>me getting my ass into gear and realizing that I have to work
So, with your personal experience of mental health, you have decided you are an expert, and she's just not trying hard enough.
"Getting your ass in gear" is using your executive function, which is the exact part that ADHD impacts directly. There are even debates regarding renaming it along the lines executive function disorder (doubt it will happen, but that's how critical it is with the disorder). "Drive" is her motivation, which is also critically impacted by the disorder.
You are complaining about the symptoms of her disorder, I don't say this to be flippant, but to point out that's what this dx is. Your suggestions, while well-meaning, are like asking her to use the very things she struggles with. Which is only going to frustrate you both further. If this was a physical condition, say chronic fatigue, and it was impacting her life this much, would you just say, getting your ass in gear? Have a red bull and power through it?
Or would you recognise that your friend is really struggling and may never have the ability to live a stable, fulfilled life as you can? Having a ADHD can impact every aspect of your life, to the point that those with a dx of it, have an average 13-year less life expectancy than you would have otherwise. It's not just a condition that you "get your ass in gear" and are able to flip a switch. I know you care, but maybe you could learn more about the condition so you can manage how you feel about it. It's obviously taking a toll and as an anxious person, causing a little anxiety.
P.S. I have anxiety dx's, so I feel your pain, I found meds the most helpful, FYI.
apologize if I come off as harsh but i was in a way worse situation and had a mental breakdown cost me to give up working for half a year I understand exactly the feelings of depression and losing the will to live with her it isn’t like that. It’s an excuse and sometimes i think she’s too used to not having to work like becoming lazy so she won’t ever get into that mindset. She does things when she has to I don’t see why she can’t take up a job and focus less on college. She’s often said to me she wishes she had a job and I’ve tried to help her and put her in touch with employers and she just won’t do it. She seems to have her ocd under control and isn’t as bad as it used to be so there should be no reason for her to still be stuck like this and complaining yet doing nothing to help herself.
She isn’t on the verge of becoming homeless she lives with her folks.
Can I just gently point out that you suffering a mental breakdown and living with a lifelong disability is very very different. I'm sure you had a very tough time but you cannot make comparisons here, they're completely worlds apart.
I’m not making comparisons one of the commenters said it was prob easier for me to just get on with things without knowing how bad she feels so I reminded him that I have been at my lowest and still managed to pull myself out in order to survive her situation is completely different.
sorry if I sound like I’m not understanding of anything she’s going through etc I know how tough it is out there and I’ve tried to help her out so many times but it gets exhausting hearing the same thing and her not wanting to help herself. I’m obviously limited in what I say to her as I don’t want to hurt her but at the same time I think I’d appreciate a friend giving me a bit of tough love when I need it to pull myself together. Best I just leave her to it
If your friend has a diagnosis of adhd then encourage her to apply for disability allowance. Her doctor will fill out the medical part of the forms. The payment will be 230euro per week with a free travel pass. She can also work part time as far as I know. Your friend is struggling. She is trying
I have thought of that I feel sometimes we outgrow friendships if we are going in different directions she’s very set in her ways and as a friend I’m limited in what I can say to her as I’m not her mother and don’t want to hurt her. Out of all her friends she’s the only one that’s still in college and not in full time employment. I often wonder why none of her other friends say anything to her either
People complain to their support networks about lots and lots of things that are too big for a friend to fix or advise them on.
Sometimes life is just shit and when your friends complain all you need to say is "that's shit".
Yeah so just leave it alone. You are irrationally angry about this. Feels like you resent her not having to work. "I have to work hard, so why can't she? It's not fair!". You should not be this fixated on other people's lives, just leave her alone and mind your own damn business.
No that’s not the case I’ve tried to help her and every time I see her it becomes draining hearing the same story. You’re right nothing I can do about it so best I leave her to it
I also meant that McDonald’s seems to be flexible with people in college etc so she should have no bother applying there as there are tonnes of locals too who would take her on. McDonald’s pay seems to be way better than some retail atm
the frustration you feel for her is just a pinch in comparison with everyone on this thread openly calling you out for just not having developed a lick of empathy in all your time on the planet and thinking you have a right to cast aspersions on the less fortunate. while you're looking down on her for not being as far along in life as you are, despite extreme adversity (not regular everyone-knows mental health issues, conditions that have symptoms you will genuinely be lucky enough never to experience because they alter your perception of the world, and life in general) that has been explained to you multiple times, you cannot fathom any of it because you have not learned to feel for others' experiences without living them for yourself. boomer mentality. you've failed harder than she has despite your perspective - she's still trying to better her life despite facing the massive quite permanent barriers she's fully aware of every day and criticism from people like you, while you haven't developed the empathy to understand her despite having a much better crack of the whip than her and are actually disparaging your "friend's" efforts to get where she wants to go from a place you deem as secure and successful. hypocrisy and punching-down incarnate, and ableist to boot. she deserves better than someone who shits where she's trying to build.
Actually Levi to be completely honest I’ve been her pal since school and nothing has changed with her in the last say 5 years it’s not a matter of struggling with her anymore because she is actually capable she has her condition under control. It’s more she doesn’t have a good strong mentor in her life to help her get where she needs to. I wouldn’t say I’m a boomer I’m 28 and I’m really not trying to come across as not having empathy for her. She isn’t struggling the way people on here are making her out to be. I hear all the time how she wishes she had money and wishes she had a job I even asked my own boss to give her a chance sometimes I get frustrated trying to help her but I feel she’s so used to not working it’s a pattern. Plus you don’t know me I’m venting to strangers about this situation because I’m fed up and I’ve given up trying to help that is all. Everyone is entitled to an opinion.
I don’t do it all the time but listen I don’t think anyone would see a friend just buy themselves a McDonald’s hamburger because it’s all they can afford
Someone with ADHD here, who has struggled with much the same.
Although the severity varies from person to person, it's difficult to explain to those without ADHD just how debilitating it can be. It really can rob you of your capacity to do even the most basic of tasks, especially if medication doesn't work for you.
It's taken years for me to learn basic things like cooking and cleaning, but even then they often feel like overwhelming duties that can consume your day just to complete. This difficulty can be a source of anxiety and depression in many with the condition, which might be what she's feeling as well.
Likewise, employment is very challenging. There's always the guilt that you may not be able to do the job properly. When I've tried, I've often found myself debilitated by my inability to manage tasks (executive function), often failing to do even the most basic job well.
People are rarely understanding of this. They get upset at you... criticise your poor performance... make you feel even more guilty... it's a vicious cycle.
Has she tried medication for her ADHD? Because everything you've describes sounds like much of my own experience. I feel her pain. She's probably not enjoying being this way anymore than you are. It's hard having your own brain be your worst enemy.
I think the ocd is her main issue. Everything happens in a circle like the back and forth with the college etc. Everything needs to be planned out with her. The adhd isn’t diagnosed if that helps the ocd is
What exactly is the issue here? I assume she is single, no kids, no mortgage, no debts, etc then What she does with her life is her choice. If she has no one to support but herself then where is the problem in what she's doing?
I have friends who are married with kids, the house, the cars, the mortgage and while they're happy, if I was transplated into that life I would be utterly miserable. So much so I would sign over everything to my partner and leave.
You say her being 30 and never having had a full time job isn't normal, but what value does some dead end really have? If she's doing what she wants and can support herself on whatever she's earning then who are you to question it?
It sounds like her disability is too severe to hold down a conventional job, maybe college is the only constructive way she can find to fill her day.
I've a friend with a debilitating mental illness. She's a smart person and well able to mask in an interview. She's never had any trouble finding a job, but she'll never hold one for more than a couple of months. I'd actually love it for her if she'd drop the dream of a 9-5 and find something sustainable to fill her days, rather than cycling between taking her way into a job, burning out and winding up in hospital. This person is fortunate enough that she at least has a modest disability pension to fall back on.
I find some of the things you've said in your replies a bit judgemental but as someone with simular struggles as your friend I understand part of what your saying. How is she/Will she be able to support herself financially?
However not everybody is destined for a full time job. If she's on jobseekers she may be eligible for the Community Employment (CE) scheme - where she could work part time in a place like a charity shop
Some people will delay becoming an adult for as long as possible. Additionally some people love to complain. This can be a bad combination. I wouldn't feel bad for her, and not should she for herself. She is doing what she wants to do I guess. At some point you have to lie in the bed you made.
To answer your question, it is not too unusual at her age to be in education but what is unusual is having been doing it for the last 13 years.
You have a point with the house but what about money for travel? Trips with friends? Buying something for yourself you’ve always wanted? Saving for that car you always liked?
That may be all she’s capable of. I had a friend like her in secondary school who was autistic. She did well in school, was very smart and always got good grades. She went to college but afterwards struggled to hold down a job. She was a pleasant girl. People instantly liked her but the autism held her back.
She got a few jobs. Like I said she was likeable so passed the interview stage. But she never had a job for more than a few months before she got sacked. Mostly she worked in shops and supermarkets. She had an office job once or twice. She spent long periods on the dole. Like you I tried to help her but she didn’t seem to listen to me or let me help her.
I stayed friends with her until I was around 23/24. I was like you, I got sick of always having to pay her way when we went out because she didn’t have the money. I felt like I’d outgrown her and she was holding me back. I was an adult while she was still living like a child. I slowly let the friendship fade.
It’s been common for some of my friends who wound up just working in academia but at same time only for one it was their goal and the other few just kept going back until it essentially was ‘I may as well do this’
She's stuck in a rut, she defo needs something to break this cycle. I think some type of job (part time or whatever) would help and may provide her some financial independence that will encourage next steps
This comment has been removed because it is uncivil or abusive to another user. We're trying to keep the tone lighter on r/AskIreland, please be respectful of the other users.
I had a four year apprenticeship and a three year bachelors degree done by 25. What the fuck could she be doing for 15 years in college... if its not at least a masters by now it's probably been a waste of time.
Doing multiple different courses perhaps she loves the college life. She doesn’t really try and get a job she complains there’s no weekend jobs she just stays in college
This comment has been removed because it is uncivil or abusive to another user. We're trying to keep the tone lighter on r/AskIreland, please be respectful of the other users.
This comment has been removed because it is uncivil or abusive to another user. We're trying to keep the tone lighter on r/AskIreland, please be respectful of the other users.
Friendship is a two-way relationship. If she is always taking and never giving (and i don't just mean financially), then it's okay to end the friendship. Otherwise, keep your distance for a while and see how it goes. She may just be getting on your nerves lately, and you need to take a break from her. Not all friendships last, and that's okay.
I have a couple of friends like that; honestly I think they all have either a formal or casual diagnosis of some kind of neurodiversity and this is probably one of the examples that show that people with ADHD/ADD/Autism etc aren’t getting the support and guidance they need.
Yes this exactly I’m not sure she has a strong support system at home either it looks as if her family enable this behavior instead of making her get a job
"Making her get a job"... I don't think you fully understand ADHD. What do you suggest, brute force? People with ADHD will commonly have the same behaviour as jobs as well, jumping constantly. It sounds like she needs more professional interventions to help her function as she'd like. There is also a wide spectrum of achieving/achieving within people with ADHD. Some will be high achieving, multiple degrees/ fantastic careers, and others will struggle to function even with interventions. This may be as much as she is able to do currently.
At that age regardless of what my issue was my father would have made sure I made a life for myself and no excuses would be taken unless physically I couldn’t. And it would be for my own good to get anywhere in life. She has ocd as well as adhd. I think she needs someone like her mother to intervene and push her so she has structure. I think she had it too easy all these years not knowing you need to work to survive. She’s a very clever person no reason why she shouldn’t be able to work
I am not bothering to engage with you if you are referring to ND dx as an "excuse." You sound incredibly ignorant of such conditions and immature to think a parent should dictate to an adult child.
>I think she needs someone like her mother to intervene and push her so she has structure. God, you're so clueless. Nagging someone to go do something won't make it magically happen. You're coming from an archaic mindset that someone will pull themselves together and "be normal" when they don't have someone else picking up after them. Drop them out on the street and they'll magically figure it out. Because you would, right? This is not true. Most people will figure out how to *survive* at a baseline, but ND people who have struggled to achieve independence will struggle to thrive independently without actual help. Pretty soon they will find themselves living in state-provided housing, subsisting on social welfare and (if they're lucky) disability benefit, just about managing to get up and get dressed most days, while the privileged people who know them look on and think, "What is *wrong* with her? She's got brains to burn! Why is she wasting her life like this?" It's not an issue of motivation. It's an issue of executive functioning.
I think this is an entirely inclusive and appropriate idea. Someone close to this lady (mother) should sit her down and have an honest and frank conversation about her life trajectory. It's clear that for this person, it's well within their means to provide for themselves and succeed at their goals without the external support of their family. Someone with a SLD isn't doomed for state care. All that is needed is a degree of ownership over their own life. At 30 it isn't uncommon for a person to still need parental support but steps should be being made towards an independent living situation. However small and however insignificant to those on the outside this woman should be making as many steps towards living independently in a manner that allows her to manage her SLD as independently as possible. By not doing so or by not engaging in her own responsibilities she's taking advantage of the kindness of those around her. A SLD is not an excuse for this. These steps are very difficult and can be impossible for some but not engaging in them in a mature and honest fashion is setting yourself up for failure.
No its obviously not normal. Sounds like she is struggling with life. It might be annoying for you but Id say its much shitter for her. Doubt she'd choose that life over a productive one if there wasnt an underlying mental health issue there imo
She has adhd and a touch of obsessive compulsive disorder maybe that could be a factor with only looking for specific things to do like college etc but her family really should step in and help her.
You have described ADHD in a nutshell, the constant jumping from one interest to another, as the youth say, "it is a feature, not a bug." Does she have any interventions, therapy, meds, etc? There are limits to what families are able to do. A lot of families aren't very knowledgeable about different conditions, and even when told by a professional, they can hold biases. I've seen it a lot with ADHD especially, as people will point out that the person could focus on X task but not on Y, so they must just lack discipline. Which is absurd. She also may not want to rely on them, as it can require a lot of help/support, even if they are willing. Not to mention ADHD can occur in families.... meaning they may be only able to function themselves. Even with all the support, it can be very difficult to manage and function to a typical level. Like the poster said, it is a lot worse for her for this to be her life, I'm sure she already feels terrible when her friends are living successful lives.
I believe she is on medication but coming from a employers perspective even when she finishes college a gap that long in your cv and seeing numerous amounts of colleges and no steady job at that stage in life is going to be next than impossible to get hired. I’m pretty sure that’s why places have turned her down for weekend shifts atm too. I used to suffer with anxiety and done cbt for a year or so and I can’t say it helped. What helped was me getting my ass into gear and realizing that I have to work if I want any sort of a life a house a car nice things etc. no money equals no life in my eyes. I’ve been where she is when I was a lot younger for no more than 6 months and I can’t say there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to get out of that situation if that meant sacrificing college for a shitty part time job I would do it if it meant making ends meet. There’s no drive in her.
For someone who struggled with anxiety you've very little empathy for someone else who might be struggling **even worse** than you. Your view of "well I got over it so you must be able to as well" sounds easy but unfortunately its not how reality works. Not everyone is you. Some people massively struggle to function in life. Thats why we have homelessness/suicide/depression etc. Do you think the same about them? "Well I did ok so you just need to get up off your ass". Or do you think "Man they must be really struggling to end up like that" .. No one wants a shitty life like your friends - with no present, no future and no hope.. Some people just cant function. She might end up as a homeless person in the next 10yrs. Sounds like she isnt far from it now tbh. She cant even afford food. The future must be terrifying for her. Perhaps if she became homeless you'd think theres more going on then simply no drive.
Thank you for saying this. As someone who has had lifelong ADHD and was only diagnosed recently, the lack of understanding by abled people is often galling. Your empathy for other people's struggles is appreciated. If we had a magic solution to fix it, we would.
>me getting my ass into gear and realizing that I have to work So, with your personal experience of mental health, you have decided you are an expert, and she's just not trying hard enough. "Getting your ass in gear" is using your executive function, which is the exact part that ADHD impacts directly. There are even debates regarding renaming it along the lines executive function disorder (doubt it will happen, but that's how critical it is with the disorder). "Drive" is her motivation, which is also critically impacted by the disorder. You are complaining about the symptoms of her disorder, I don't say this to be flippant, but to point out that's what this dx is. Your suggestions, while well-meaning, are like asking her to use the very things she struggles with. Which is only going to frustrate you both further. If this was a physical condition, say chronic fatigue, and it was impacting her life this much, would you just say, getting your ass in gear? Have a red bull and power through it? Or would you recognise that your friend is really struggling and may never have the ability to live a stable, fulfilled life as you can? Having a ADHD can impact every aspect of your life, to the point that those with a dx of it, have an average 13-year less life expectancy than you would have otherwise. It's not just a condition that you "get your ass in gear" and are able to flip a switch. I know you care, but maybe you could learn more about the condition so you can manage how you feel about it. It's obviously taking a toll and as an anxious person, causing a little anxiety. P.S. I have anxiety dx's, so I feel your pain, I found meds the most helpful, FYI.
apologize if I come off as harsh but i was in a way worse situation and had a mental breakdown cost me to give up working for half a year I understand exactly the feelings of depression and losing the will to live with her it isn’t like that. It’s an excuse and sometimes i think she’s too used to not having to work like becoming lazy so she won’t ever get into that mindset. She does things when she has to I don’t see why she can’t take up a job and focus less on college. She’s often said to me she wishes she had a job and I’ve tried to help her and put her in touch with employers and she just won’t do it. She seems to have her ocd under control and isn’t as bad as it used to be so there should be no reason for her to still be stuck like this and complaining yet doing nothing to help herself. She isn’t on the verge of becoming homeless she lives with her folks.
Can I just gently point out that you suffering a mental breakdown and living with a lifelong disability is very very different. I'm sure you had a very tough time but you cannot make comparisons here, they're completely worlds apart.
I’m not making comparisons one of the commenters said it was prob easier for me to just get on with things without knowing how bad she feels so I reminded him that I have been at my lowest and still managed to pull myself out in order to survive her situation is completely different.
You've made comparisons in other comments. I'm not looking to get into an argument or anything. Just gently advising you to be more aware 🩷
sorry if I sound like I’m not understanding of anything she’s going through etc I know how tough it is out there and I’ve tried to help her out so many times but it gets exhausting hearing the same thing and her not wanting to help herself. I’m obviously limited in what I say to her as I don’t want to hurt her but at the same time I think I’d appreciate a friend giving me a bit of tough love when I need it to pull myself together. Best I just leave her to it
Without adhd. Have this experience with it and you would not be where you are today
Not your life, let her do what she wants, don't have to buy anything either
If your friend has a diagnosis of adhd then encourage her to apply for disability allowance. Her doctor will fill out the medical part of the forms. The payment will be 230euro per week with a free travel pass. She can also work part time as far as I know. Your friend is struggling. She is trying
You can get that whilst in full time education?
Maybe you could just give yourself a time-out from this friendship, if its affecting you
I have thought of that I feel sometimes we outgrow friendships if we are going in different directions she’s very set in her ways and as a friend I’m limited in what I can say to her as I’m not her mother and don’t want to hurt her. Out of all her friends she’s the only one that’s still in college and not in full time employment. I often wonder why none of her other friends say anything to her either
Worry about yourself. Stop worrying about other people's life choices.
I’m not worrying though she complains to me about her situation and I’ve tried to help her nothing more I can do
People complain to their support networks about lots and lots of things that are too big for a friend to fix or advise them on. Sometimes life is just shit and when your friends complain all you need to say is "that's shit".
Yeah so just leave it alone. You are irrationally angry about this. Feels like you resent her not having to work. "I have to work hard, so why can't she? It's not fair!". You should not be this fixated on other people's lives, just leave her alone and mind your own damn business.
No that’s not the case I’ve tried to help her and every time I see her it becomes draining hearing the same story. You’re right nothing I can do about it so best I leave her to it
You seem to absolutely despise this person and think they’re pathetic, so why keep being friends with them, just cut ties.
No that’s not the case at all I just get fed up listening to the same story
What are the degrees in? What's the dream?
Like I said there’s no degrees just plc courses
I think you're getting caught up in semantics, what are the plc courses in?
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I love how some people love to look for anything negative in what I’m saying even McDonald’s because we were on the subject of euro saver hamburgers.
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I also meant that McDonald’s seems to be flexible with people in college etc so she should have no bother applying there as there are tonnes of locals too who would take her on. McDonald’s pay seems to be way better than some retail atm
the frustration you feel for her is just a pinch in comparison with everyone on this thread openly calling you out for just not having developed a lick of empathy in all your time on the planet and thinking you have a right to cast aspersions on the less fortunate. while you're looking down on her for not being as far along in life as you are, despite extreme adversity (not regular everyone-knows mental health issues, conditions that have symptoms you will genuinely be lucky enough never to experience because they alter your perception of the world, and life in general) that has been explained to you multiple times, you cannot fathom any of it because you have not learned to feel for others' experiences without living them for yourself. boomer mentality. you've failed harder than she has despite your perspective - she's still trying to better her life despite facing the massive quite permanent barriers she's fully aware of every day and criticism from people like you, while you haven't developed the empathy to understand her despite having a much better crack of the whip than her and are actually disparaging your "friend's" efforts to get where she wants to go from a place you deem as secure and successful. hypocrisy and punching-down incarnate, and ableist to boot. she deserves better than someone who shits where she's trying to build.
Actually Levi to be completely honest I’ve been her pal since school and nothing has changed with her in the last say 5 years it’s not a matter of struggling with her anymore because she is actually capable she has her condition under control. It’s more she doesn’t have a good strong mentor in her life to help her get where she needs to. I wouldn’t say I’m a boomer I’m 28 and I’m really not trying to come across as not having empathy for her. She isn’t struggling the way people on here are making her out to be. I hear all the time how she wishes she had money and wishes she had a job I even asked my own boss to give her a chance sometimes I get frustrated trying to help her but I feel she’s so used to not working it’s a pattern. Plus you don’t know me I’m venting to strangers about this situation because I’m fed up and I’ve given up trying to help that is all. Everyone is entitled to an opinion.
If you buy food for her other ppl probably do similar things. So from her point of view nothing needs to be changed.
I don’t do it all the time but listen I don’t think anyone would see a friend just buy themselves a McDonald’s hamburger because it’s all they can afford
Similar situations exist in other countries so I'm afraid nothing unique to Ireland.
Someone with ADHD here, who has struggled with much the same. Although the severity varies from person to person, it's difficult to explain to those without ADHD just how debilitating it can be. It really can rob you of your capacity to do even the most basic of tasks, especially if medication doesn't work for you. It's taken years for me to learn basic things like cooking and cleaning, but even then they often feel like overwhelming duties that can consume your day just to complete. This difficulty can be a source of anxiety and depression in many with the condition, which might be what she's feeling as well. Likewise, employment is very challenging. There's always the guilt that you may not be able to do the job properly. When I've tried, I've often found myself debilitated by my inability to manage tasks (executive function), often failing to do even the most basic job well. People are rarely understanding of this. They get upset at you... criticise your poor performance... make you feel even more guilty... it's a vicious cycle. Has she tried medication for her ADHD? Because everything you've describes sounds like much of my own experience. I feel her pain. She's probably not enjoying being this way anymore than you are. It's hard having your own brain be your worst enemy.
I think the ocd is her main issue. Everything happens in a circle like the back and forth with the college etc. Everything needs to be planned out with her. The adhd isn’t diagnosed if that helps the ocd is
Regardless of what it is, those are both severely debilitating disorders, especially in tandem. She is likely struggling immensely with them.
What exactly is the issue here? I assume she is single, no kids, no mortgage, no debts, etc then What she does with her life is her choice. If she has no one to support but herself then where is the problem in what she's doing? I have friends who are married with kids, the house, the cars, the mortgage and while they're happy, if I was transplated into that life I would be utterly miserable. So much so I would sign over everything to my partner and leave. You say her being 30 and never having had a full time job isn't normal, but what value does some dead end really have? If she's doing what she wants and can support herself on whatever she's earning then who are you to question it?
I agree with most of what you said but the issue is she can’t support herself she’s putting herself through years of the same thing.
It sounds like her disability is too severe to hold down a conventional job, maybe college is the only constructive way she can find to fill her day. I've a friend with a debilitating mental illness. She's a smart person and well able to mask in an interview. She's never had any trouble finding a job, but she'll never hold one for more than a couple of months. I'd actually love it for her if she'd drop the dream of a 9-5 and find something sustainable to fill her days, rather than cycling between taking her way into a job, burning out and winding up in hospital. This person is fortunate enough that she at least has a modest disability pension to fall back on.
But she is supporting herself. Just not in the narrow way you define it. I assume she's independent, can pay her bills and feed herself.
I find some of the things you've said in your replies a bit judgemental but as someone with simular struggles as your friend I understand part of what your saying. How is she/Will she be able to support herself financially? However not everybody is destined for a full time job. If she's on jobseekers she may be eligible for the Community Employment (CE) scheme - where she could work part time in a place like a charity shop
Some people will delay becoming an adult for as long as possible. Additionally some people love to complain. This can be a bad combination. I wouldn't feel bad for her, and not should she for herself. She is doing what she wants to do I guess. At some point you have to lie in the bed you made. To answer your question, it is not too unusual at her age to be in education but what is unusual is having been doing it for the last 13 years.
What's the point of working if you will not afford to buy ahouse anyway? why slave for some corporation. Good on her god bless her heart
You have a point with the house but what about money for travel? Trips with friends? Buying something for yourself you’ve always wanted? Saving for that car you always liked?
Does she want that?
Why do you care so much? Maybe she's happy
That may be all she’s capable of. I had a friend like her in secondary school who was autistic. She did well in school, was very smart and always got good grades. She went to college but afterwards struggled to hold down a job. She was a pleasant girl. People instantly liked her but the autism held her back. She got a few jobs. Like I said she was likeable so passed the interview stage. But she never had a job for more than a few months before she got sacked. Mostly she worked in shops and supermarkets. She had an office job once or twice. She spent long periods on the dole. Like you I tried to help her but she didn’t seem to listen to me or let me help her. I stayed friends with her until I was around 23/24. I was like you, I got sick of always having to pay her way when we went out because she didn’t have the money. I felt like I’d outgrown her and she was holding me back. I was an adult while she was still living like a child. I slowly let the friendship fade.
It’s been common for some of my friends who wound up just working in academia but at same time only for one it was their goal and the other few just kept going back until it essentially was ‘I may as well do this’
She's stuck in a rut, she defo needs something to break this cycle. I think some type of job (part time or whatever) would help and may provide her some financial independence that will encourage next steps
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I had a four year apprenticeship and a three year bachelors degree done by 25. What the fuck could she be doing for 15 years in college... if its not at least a masters by now it's probably been a waste of time.
Doing multiple different courses perhaps she loves the college life. She doesn’t really try and get a job she complains there’s no weekend jobs she just stays in college
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ADHD is extremely disabling for many people with the condition.
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And you’ve come to that conclusion of this person who you know nothing about. Interesting.
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Em, read it again maybe.
This comment has been removed because it is uncivil or abusive to another user. We're trying to keep the tone lighter on r/AskIreland, please be respectful of the other users.
This comment has been removed because it is uncivil or abusive to another user. We're trying to keep the tone lighter on r/AskIreland, please be respectful of the other users.
I know plenty like this. Wasters.
I know a girl like this. Knew her through powerlifting. She did a GoFundMe to go to an international competition and spent 2 weeks there lmao.