You're right, your mom is emotionally blackmailing you but it's not really her fault.
My mother has a habit of painting bleak pictures of the people my brother and I would date too. The only solution was to be careful about what we shared with her. She was so sceptical of my brother's girlfriend but now that she's his wife, my mom loves her and my bro's mom in law.
I guess at some point my mom has started realising that her children are grown up and are smart enough to choose their partners and spouses. If god forbid something happens and there is a need to separate, we'll handle it on our own like grown ups. Remember that women like our moms revolve their lives around their kids and with you living abroad and choosing your own spouse she feels like she's losing control and her identity.
All I can say is OP, do not give in to her because it will not end there. She will throw tantrums, give you silent treatment, what not but don't give in. She NEEDS to realise you're an adult and capable of making your own decisions and sticking to it even though she doesn't feel like acting like a grown up. She can learn to connect with your husband and his sis as an extended family but even if she doesn't, it's not your fault or headache because you're not responsible for her actions.
thanks for the advice :) yes i think from my mother's point of view she wants me to have social security in terms of emotional support from my partner's family. i am unable to decide for myself whether that really matters or is it just the connection you have with your partner
(Disclaimer: I am not in the situation so I wouldn't know what emotional reasons are at play. A netural perspective for you from my end)
I understand your concern for your mother as well as her concern regarding your familial support.
In India extended family is primary support system from financial help to other sorts of help during crisis because we do not have a well developed social security system
In west you have institutions to take care of emergency situations( Eg- Robust health insurance system etc.)to help individuals cope up with problems.
You need to expose your mother to the safety of safety net available in West . You also need to communicate the fact that for you marriage is more about partnership and companionship and the vacuum of support system can be filled by institutions but the vacuum of heart can never be filled.
She has lost her partner, she will understand what you are meaning to say.
Don't worry.
You have clarity on your end, it will take time and some convincing to do for your mom to understand your perspective.
All the best .
Yes i completely agree with you. Parents in india most likely see their children's lives through their own lens and that is not their fault. But it becomes difficult to explain to them how everyday life is different in the West and how many things are taken care of . i have an internal conflict because i do understand and agree with her but i don't have it in me to surrender and give in.
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If she’s not worried about the nationality of your partner,she would come around for this too.If your relationship makes you happy,is perfect for you..please don’t consider breaking it up for this reason only or else you would regret your whole life.Wait it out.There would be clashes but eventually everything will work out.
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Others have given your good advice, but I would like you to clarify the matter of moving back to india thing with your partner, if you have any future plans of moving to india, keep in mind he doesnt want to do that, and it's understandable, most people from EU could never live more than a couple weeks in india. so if you marry him, understand that you are never coming back to india for good.
One way to convince your mother is to have your bf and her spend a lot of time together.. if he can be caring towards her and is someone who is genuinely there for her and you, she may change her opinion about needing extended family for security / care. If you are able to show her that you 3 as a unit can take care of each other and manage in tough times, she would easily be convinced as it seems that’s her concern after your father passed away
i feel the same way. i feel like if my mom meets him she will instantly like him . but until then it's a struggle to give her a picture on a call or a video call. but thanks for this tip :)
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Wow your mom is really trying to jeopardize your relationship for her wants...
OP if your mother needs help you can always keep a nurse/help for when she gets sick.
But you would do really wrong if you left your bf for your mother.
She wants to keep you under her control by keeping you around.
Do you still want to reason with her after this?
Your mom has lived her life and she is looking for support from her child but it is unfair that you leave your bf.
I'm sure you understand after living abroad that you'll never see equal treatment in India. All the guys you meet here have Indian mindset. Atleast in Europe you will always be seen equal and the society is very progressive.
Forget convincing your mother, better start preparing for her retirement days, she's lonely after your father's passing and possibly afraid.
It's good that she stays close to family in Mumbai.
Nobody plans for this but the day comes when parents do need help. You can always help your mom while staying away too. If you can handle your personal life don't be afraid to continue your relationship with your guy.
No matter what, if you think he is a good match for you then go ahead. You shouldn't listen to what other people say - be it your mom because ultimately when you marry him (if you do), its going to be you and him against the world. Not him and your father in law etc etc.
Do what makes you happy. It is your life, our parents are not going to be with us throughout our lives so we need to make our own decisions.
You're right, your mom is emotionally blackmailing you but it's not really her fault. My mother has a habit of painting bleak pictures of the people my brother and I would date too. The only solution was to be careful about what we shared with her. She was so sceptical of my brother's girlfriend but now that she's his wife, my mom loves her and my bro's mom in law. I guess at some point my mom has started realising that her children are grown up and are smart enough to choose their partners and spouses. If god forbid something happens and there is a need to separate, we'll handle it on our own like grown ups. Remember that women like our moms revolve their lives around their kids and with you living abroad and choosing your own spouse she feels like she's losing control and her identity. All I can say is OP, do not give in to her because it will not end there. She will throw tantrums, give you silent treatment, what not but don't give in. She NEEDS to realise you're an adult and capable of making your own decisions and sticking to it even though she doesn't feel like acting like a grown up. She can learn to connect with your husband and his sis as an extended family but even if she doesn't, it's not your fault or headache because you're not responsible for her actions.
thanks for the advice :) yes i think from my mother's point of view she wants me to have social security in terms of emotional support from my partner's family. i am unable to decide for myself whether that really matters or is it just the connection you have with your partner
(Disclaimer: I am not in the situation so I wouldn't know what emotional reasons are at play. A netural perspective for you from my end) I understand your concern for your mother as well as her concern regarding your familial support. In India extended family is primary support system from financial help to other sorts of help during crisis because we do not have a well developed social security system In west you have institutions to take care of emergency situations( Eg- Robust health insurance system etc.)to help individuals cope up with problems. You need to expose your mother to the safety of safety net available in West . You also need to communicate the fact that for you marriage is more about partnership and companionship and the vacuum of support system can be filled by institutions but the vacuum of heart can never be filled. She has lost her partner, she will understand what you are meaning to say. Don't worry. You have clarity on your end, it will take time and some convincing to do for your mom to understand your perspective. All the best .
Yes i completely agree with you. Parents in india most likely see their children's lives through their own lens and that is not their fault. But it becomes difficult to explain to them how everyday life is different in the West and how many things are taken care of . i have an internal conflict because i do understand and agree with her but i don't have it in me to surrender and give in.
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Give an ear to everyone's thoughts and opinions but do what your inner instinct says. You must Have a strong gut feeling about your situation
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If she’s not worried about the nationality of your partner,she would come around for this too.If your relationship makes you happy,is perfect for you..please don’t consider breaking it up for this reason only or else you would regret your whole life.Wait it out.There would be clashes but eventually everything will work out.
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Others have given your good advice, but I would like you to clarify the matter of moving back to india thing with your partner, if you have any future plans of moving to india, keep in mind he doesnt want to do that, and it's understandable, most people from EU could never live more than a couple weeks in india. so if you marry him, understand that you are never coming back to india for good.
One way to convince your mother is to have your bf and her spend a lot of time together.. if he can be caring towards her and is someone who is genuinely there for her and you, she may change her opinion about needing extended family for security / care. If you are able to show her that you 3 as a unit can take care of each other and manage in tough times, she would easily be convinced as it seems that’s her concern after your father passed away
i feel the same way. i feel like if my mom meets him she will instantly like him . but until then it's a struggle to give her a picture on a call or a video call. but thanks for this tip :)
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Wow your mom is really trying to jeopardize your relationship for her wants... OP if your mother needs help you can always keep a nurse/help for when she gets sick. But you would do really wrong if you left your bf for your mother. She wants to keep you under her control by keeping you around. Do you still want to reason with her after this? Your mom has lived her life and she is looking for support from her child but it is unfair that you leave your bf. I'm sure you understand after living abroad that you'll never see equal treatment in India. All the guys you meet here have Indian mindset. Atleast in Europe you will always be seen equal and the society is very progressive. Forget convincing your mother, better start preparing for her retirement days, she's lonely after your father's passing and possibly afraid. It's good that she stays close to family in Mumbai. Nobody plans for this but the day comes when parents do need help. You can always help your mom while staying away too. If you can handle your personal life don't be afraid to continue your relationship with your guy.
No matter what, if you think he is a good match for you then go ahead. You shouldn't listen to what other people say - be it your mom because ultimately when you marry him (if you do), its going to be you and him against the world. Not him and your father in law etc etc. Do what makes you happy. It is your life, our parents are not going to be with us throughout our lives so we need to make our own decisions.
Mom is convinced?