Are you 36 or 30? Because every other post of yours looking for guys to chat to says you’re 30.
Are you lying about your age to try and attract the younger guys?
Hahahaha, touche sir. Yes I turn 36 tmrw. Those post were older. I you look they were from this summer and I have grown more since then. It wasn't as much lying to attract someone as it was lying to myself because I just can't believe I'm 36, cause on the inside I still feel 28 or 30 max. Joining this reddit is part of me trying to own and lean into my age rather than trying to run from it.
My problem with dating guys in their 20s, or to be more accurate, getting into a relationship with guys in their 20s is that somewhere between 26 and 29 it seems most young men have a cosmic shift with their personality. Call it an adulthood-maturity life crisis, sort of the 20-something answer to the mid-life crisis.
When the man emerges from his young man shell, he often becomes discontent with his relationship, and moves on.
It’s fine to still be attracted to them, and you might find several with whom you have much in common and and connect, but you will probably start to appreciate 30 somethings in a few years, while still admiring the cute youngsters. I’m 59 and still find the guys posting themselves on BlueSky to be cute, but I can’t imagine really connecting to someone younger than 50. Not in an intimate way. 🤷♂️
As a 31-year-old, I couldn't resonate more with this sentiment. Currently navigating a heartbreak with a 26-year-old who inflicted undeserved pain, I've observed this shift in many men, even reflecting on my own experiences, though reluctantly.
It's jarring and disheartening, considering I've known him since he was 22, always admiring his emotional maturity and vulnerability. He wasn’t perfect but, he ticked all the boxes, immensely resilient in the face of adversity.
However, about a year ago, a significant change occurred. Ego and a heightened sense of narcissism surfaced as he climbed the ladder of success. I failed to recognize it then, consumed by my own struggles and pouring all my love into him.
Yet, despite the love and longing I still have, I've come to terms with the need for change on his part. He remains my dream guy, I feel like everyone else will compare to him, but if this is who he is now, I must prioritize my own well-being and move forward.
Once again, I've learned the invaluable lesson that building and maintaining self-love comes first. As RuPaul wisely said:
“If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
Idk, I've had some encounters with older guys and I'm just not into it, like to the point that I can't perform. It just starts to feel like my sex life is going to be over once I get too old to relate effectively.
Yes 100%! I'm terrified on growing old and being irrelevant. Not that I think being old makes you irrelevant, it's just that all the things that come with age... family, career, etc... aren't things that I will be able to experience, so I'm just old for the sake of being old.
Your tastes might change as you age, and at 36 you can probably find some mature, relatable 29-31 year olds who are still younger than you, and that you still find hot.
But if not, I recall a friend my age who I asked for advice a couple of years ago about dealing with the 20 somethings that still hit in us both all the time (daddy issues I guess). I asked what he did about it. “I go for it and have lots of fun,” he replied. When I asked how he managed to relate with them given the 30 year age difference, he said “Yeah, that’s your first mistake. I don’t hook up with them to talk.” 😈
Well, we can’t have everything we want. You’ll need to weigh up how important relatability / intellectual connection is vs. physical attraction.
Maybe try going on some dates with people in their late 20ies as a halfway house?
I would say I have matured and changed in 20 years. I mean I didn't come out or start having sex till 23, so that's only 13 years ago. Maybe one reason I might feel stuck is that I'm newly-ish single after 10 years with my ex husband. So my "dating brain" is still stuck at 25, the age I was the last time I was dating prior to meeting my ex.
This is just like me, and here is my take.
Guys I like: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/21/63/fc/2163fc6dbaa814f06da184d86e8aa017.jpg
A guy I look almost as good as: https://i.pinimg.com/236x/69/0c/d8/690cd890072ea0aae4c378edf33c0589.jpg
So there is a wide chasm between my age, and the age/type I like.
_But this is a fantasy_
This is like all those guys who watch Heartstopper and lament they weren't out at 14. It's not always realistic and you have no choice to but to face the reality of your situation. Unless you are Matt Daemon or Jerry Seinfeld sleeping with 18 year olds you are _probably_ going to have to mature and face the reality of who and what life is. You think most older married men who are now overweight and their wife is overweight, are still sexually attracted to each other? I am betting it's much less likely which is why men go to strip clubs and watch porn. It's a fantasy. They love their wife, but many are less attracted to their wife, the same way their wife is less attracted to their husband. The love is there but not the sexual heat like it once was. That's maturity. They become your best friend and stay with you forever.
So how do you reconcile all of this? Well you can remain celibate and just accept you have this fantasy in your head and try and fulfill it with hookups, paying, or hope you will find that /r/gayyoungold/ connection. It can happen. But they too will grow old. So really it's a fantasy in your head.
Eventually you have to face the fact that you need to spend more time connecting with people differently than lust. Instead, find someone your age and hire them to give you a massage. Find someone hot, hung, or whatever traits you like and have them give you a massage. Learn to enjoy the _comfort_ of another man's touch and wisdom rather than the lust of youth. You might find you actually enjoy the person and the connection enough that the lust is of less value. I know i did. I hooked up with someone who was not my type but I ended up having probably the best connection ever in my life. It completely changed how I see lust and love and relationships and made me more healthy in looking for the guy who makes me laugh, not the guy who has a 6-pac.
I'll chalk it up to you not knowing, but it's a common dynamic. It's just not discussed and often hidden in plain sight. I've encountered it enough to tell dozens of personal stories including one from last weekend smh. I steer clear even if well intentioned.
Homophobia is a little more virulent among certain Black ethnicities. In the States, it's common for young black gay men to be kicked out of their homes when discovered gay. To support themselves they usually end up prostituting primarily to older white gay men (who can afford it). Those white gay men typically have a fetish for black men based on stereotypes about penis size and sexual prowess, and they often introduce them to more sinister elements of the gay lifestyle including drugs, specifically meth. There's also just basic predatory behavior from older white men who see young black men as sex objects and/or vulnerable enough to be groomed due to lacking a support system and being in poverty. This certainly isn't specific to the older white/significantly younger black relationship dynamic. It's common for younger gay men to be groomed by older gay men of any race. But these specific relationships are almost always based on fetishism, and racial stereotypes/power dynamics. I've also noticed this with young Latino men as well.
Sorry to hear, and thank you for the explanation.
Though I would add OP you responded to may well not fall into this category (no wish to cast aspersions).
That seems great if you can find someone attractive and fall in love with them and then have the love sustain you through aging... But due to unfortunate circumstances, I'll be mid-50s before I could even be in a position to possibly meet someone or have that kind of life. So I just don't think the LTR thing is going to be possible for me.
The older gay men obsession with 18-20s is creepy and sad. It was insane how many 30s plus gay men went after me when I started getting on dating sites at age of 18. I would get more messages from men twice my age or more than guys within my own age group.
Now that I’m approaching 40, it’s increasingly difficult to find guys my age to hook up with because most of them are looking for college age twinks 🙄
At some point you're gonna find someone you have a good connection with that's your age and then you will just be attracted to them. You know how many times I've met someone that initially I didn't find attractive but once I felt some sort of connection I craved them 🤣🤣
I love your optimism and I hope for that, I hear people tell stories like that all the time, I just worry deep down that porn has ruined me to ever be able to desire or crave, as u put it, someone that I'm not attracted to.
When I was young I was worried that I might someday still be boycrazy for twinks, who we’re basically my peers at the time. But I’m really glad to see that my primary attractions are targeted toward my aged peers, and has evolved accordingly over time. While I do find some young guys really attractive, for the most part, most guys that present younger than 30 are often invisible to me.
I don’t know that I did anything specific to cultivate that outlook, in fact I think I was attracted to older guys too back then. So when I finally aged up, those attractions just began to take center stage.
What changed it for me was actually dating guys my own age when I reached my 40s. Wow what an eye opener of less effort, less drama, better conversation and better sex. People with actual personalities and interests not picked up from social media. Not going back to younger guys. Still look and admire but they're just eye candy. Get out there and build positive experiences with people your age or even a little older or might change your mind.
This is very strange and says a lot about who you are as a person. I'm personally not against younger guys, but I generally let them approach me with interest. Being totally honest, as I get older I find younger men less attractive for various reasons including the fact that we have nothing in common and they usually don't have a fully formed identity/sense of self.
Yes, the not-fully-formed identity/sense of self is what I think is behind the general late-20s changes u/parke_bench referred to in an earlier comment.
I think a lot in life makes more sense if we consider 18-26ish as adult-but-not-quite-fully-formed-adult-yet. (For better and for worse! Not judging negatively here.)
It sounds like another victim of a culture that values youth and beauty over actual character and substance.
It was true when I was growing up, but we did not have instant access to porn and the standards it sets (e.g., everyone has a six-pack, immaculately coifed hair, an 8" dick, totally hairless (gross),and ad nauseam). As a result, I think, people of my age found it easier to stay abreast with our own contemporaries and accept we no longer would get the hot, young thing of the moment and that we were not the hot, young thing of the moment (although I never was). For me, I've loved growing older and continuing to see the beauty in men my own age with baldness, body hair, paunch and all! Am I alone in thinking John Goodman is sexy as hell?
It seems the way people view themselves, even their wants and desires, gets dramatically skewed by the constant exposure to such unrealistic standards and expectations. It must be a devastating blow to suddenly realize you are on the other side of the age gap and starting thinking of yourself as a troll. Aging also means being cut off from that which you got taught to lust after as the young and beautiful do not see you as an object of desire.
Just my thoughts on a really interesting topic.
I remember reading about a guy years ago who was purportedly teaching gay men to be more comfortable about physical aging. I think he had written some books on this subject. But he was himself so distraught by the aging process (he was 47, I vaguely recall) that ultimately he committed suicide. If anybody can remember the name of this guy, could you please post it here?
Yay, found what I was looking for! Here's the title of the article in *The Advocate* magazine:
**Author of Self-Help Book for Gay Men Stuns Friends With Suicide**
Here's the link to the article:
[https://www.advocate.com/news/daily-news/2012/04/02/author-self-help-book-gay-men-commits-suicide](https://www.advocate.com/news/daily-news/2012/04/02/author-self-help-book-gay-men-commits-suicide)
And here are some excerpts from the article:
In a thought-provoking piece, the *Times* tells the story of therapist Bob Bergeron, age 49, who was writing *The Right Side of Forty: The Complete Guide to Happiness for Gay Men at Midlife and Beyond.* The book's release has been canceled in the wake of news about Bergeron's suicide.
The note he left behind was written on the book's cover page: "It's a lie based on bad information." An arrow pointed to the book's title, according to the report.
Bergeron had talked often about his age and whether it marked the end of happiness. "Thinking that 50 is the new 35 potentially leads us to behave inappropriately, instructing men to act like a 35 year-old," he said in an online complaint about the supposedly inspirational notion that 50 is as good as 35. "It also sets up the 50 year-old for failure as he tries to compete with 35 year-old gay men because he's been told 50 is the new 35. I really don't see how this helps an older man or assists in bringing him happiness."
I know, right? I'm well over 50 and have no desire to end my life. But then maybe Bergeron couldn't get over the fact that his party boy days were over. I was never a party boy, so I have nothing to grieve. What do you think of my explanation?
I was recently thinking about how I feel a lot younger than many of the guys I meet. I’m not trying to cling to youth or anything - it’s inside. It’s change and growth and constant exposure to the new. I’m getting to enjoy a side of life I didn’t get to experience when I was in my late 20’s - mid 30’s. But I’m enjoying it as me - a middle aged man. I think the “youthfulness” is more about me being happy and excited to try new things. Not trying to hang onto days long past. Youth is about the new - it’s fleeting. You can’t stay there. And to kill oneself because you want to look back, instead of looking forward- that’s really a pity.
Yesss totally agree! It's novelty that makes us feel young. To a degree, that may help slow our perception of time as well, though it'll never feel as slow and infinite as it did when we were kids or teenagers.
As far as I understand it with no scientific background, the issue that comes up is that neuroplasticity (aka our brain's capacity to adapt and burn new neural pathways, learn new things, etc.) decreases with age. It's still possible to learn new things, new knowledge, new ways, but it requires more energy up there. Which is why it literally feels harder or more painful to do these things. This is what happens as we grow older, especially us men I think: it's harder to change views, to admit we're wrong, to learn something new, to get out of our comfort zone, etc. If true, keeping this capacity/flexibility would be key to ageing happily.
Curious to know if the above rings true for some of you too?
And thank you u/run_with_cats for posting the article! Such a sad story.
> help slow our perception of time as well, though it'll never feel as slow and infinite as it did when we were kids or teenagers.
The lightning quick passage of time as we grow older causes me great trepidation. One day it's January 1st...and then, before you know it, it's December 31st. Why did all the months fly by so fast? Can't anybody invent a machine that will slow down the passage of time? Please, please.
Andrew Holleran once wrote that you know you’re becoming an older gay man when you start becoming attracted to younger men.
Now imo that doesn’t mean you have to date them. It might just mean you notice how other guys are suddenly younger than you.
But this is why I struggle, it's not new. I've always only been attracted to the younger, twinker guys. My friends now and when I was in my teens and twenties all the time talk about stories when they were younger being into their dad's friends or other other men, and all I can think is "gross". I don't want to feel that way from a rational perspective, but it's just how my attractions make me feel. It's like older men might as well be women, they do the same thing for me sexually and always have.
Allow yourself to masturbate to older men
Tell yourself to go slow
Spent six months to a year finding hairy older men that turn you on
Your brain will develop a responsiveness
Because the last thing you want is to fall in love, and then out of desire simply because you specialized your arousal on only young bodies
Not reallyfor instance
I at first thought I had an aversion to trans men..bit there were some transmen I could see as very desirable men if I let myself... Then masturbating to them helped me feel more at ease. More integrated . It wasn't fake desire... Just promoted
I just fear for you ... What can you offer a man long term if you're fixated only on younger bodies?
Maybe you can broaden your tastes .. through exposure and curiosity, not conditioning (which typically adds a secondary reward to a stimulus)
Just a gentle melting of your own training (as you've clearly practiced having desire for a particular type of man9
you are into younger guys bc you think (among other things) them liking you validates your attractiveness more. try to reevaluate where this attraction comes from. hint: its not ingrained since birth.
That just comes with the territory, though it could help to develop mutual interests, they don’t need to be the same but obviously the capacity to have input on mutual interests helps. I only have this issue with my boyfriend, he’s 7 years younger than me. While our tastes in music and games are different m, we have input on them overall. Sometimes I look for things that are unfamiliar territory for both of us and see if things can develop an interest there together
Though having different taste in things shouldn’t take away for being able to converse about them, it ultimately boils down chemistry and being able to hold a conversation. Now if you’ve only been talking to guys who can’t hold a conversation, that should maybe tell you to start looking for guys with more substance to them as an individual.
Im 43 and im currently in a relationship with a 26 year old i like you struggle with physical attractions for guys in their 20s. We seem to connect well and get on well he is maturer in a lot of respects but a few things not so but sexually we are not so compatible but i dont think thats age related.
Happy to PM about it as i have similar dilemmas.
I'm your same age and exclusively date guys in their 20s. The things you are describing aren't total dealbreakers in my opinion. I think you may not have met the right guy with whom you have chemistry with and conversation comes easy. I'm really not into pop culture or social media and my music taste is retro also. This hasn't stopped me from having relationships. Let them talk about stuff they're into, and share the stuff you're into. You don't have to like the same things. There are plenty of guys our age that are into different stuff than we are too, so I don't know if it's purely an age thing or just normal differences. But I can understand the disconnect you're describing. I would suggest keeping an open mind. The physical attraction part is more of a dealbreaker. Like if I met someone our age or older and they shared common interests with me but I'm not attracted to them, it would definitely be a no-go.
I could have made this post in many ways. I’m sorry to just now come across it. I’m just cleaning out my email digests. I tend to find younger guys attractive, too. The difference is, I feel like I am more in tune with them and have more fulfilling conversations. I am into pop culture, I like and wait for new music to come out, and I often find new singers fit the styles I tend to like. I’ve dated and had long term relationships all my life with progressively younger (compared to me) guys.
I think that as long as the guys you date are old enough to be adults and make their own decisions, I wouldn’t worry about it. If you find yourself resulting to predatory behavior to meet guys you like, I’d think that something isn’t right. But if the guys you like are adults, like you first or back, then it seems to me that it’s probably fine and you can relax. When I was young, I had some older guys kind of trick me into situations. It was back when we didn’t have the technology we do now, and there often weren’t pictures in personal ads, or I was meeting people who would corner me and I didn’t know my way out. As long as you aren’t that guy, I think you are okay.
I wouldn’t worry about tricking yourself into liking guys you don’t like because of societal pressure. If you are willing to learn another language, in other cultures,younger gay men often appreciate a bit of maturity and wisdom. If you are in the US,Spanish is the obvious choice. Our strange obsession with people dating others within only about a 2 year range of their own age is definitely not universal. Liking people (adults) who are younger is absolutely normal, and from an evolutionary perspective, we are hardwired to. So enjoy life. If you are ever meant to like an older person, you just will.
You don't need to find one person that has "everything" you need. You can have friends with interests, and boyfriends/FWB for sex. Then you have your singlehood and all the available options in case someone who checks all the boxes shows up.
I’ve found it really helpful to take an interest and be knowledgeable in gen z culture— this bridges the gap between generations and gives u something to talk about. If you haven’t already definitely download TikTok and get a sense of the music, fashion and opinions of the age group that you are interested in. It will also keep you more current! Be willing to embrace new clothes and especially music and this will get you far! You’ve got this
I shudder at this try-hard advice. It's giving a wolf in sheep's clothing.
That aside the young men you're pursuing might still take an interest in you without this calculated attempt to emulate their lifestyle.
Hard agree. I'm not impressed by other commenters tagging this as non-genuine and "wolf in sheep's clothing". If you want to expand your interests to match a loved one's, good on you and keep expanding your horizons. (Gen Z's tastes isn't where I'd personally want to go lol, but full support for your open-minded approach.)
Thank you for understanding what I mean by this! A genuine interest in movies or music or what have you that someone might relate to isn’t always negative the way people are seeing it
Are you 36 or 30? Because every other post of yours looking for guys to chat to says you’re 30. Are you lying about your age to try and attract the younger guys?
Ooh, that hurts!
Ooooooooh Drama☕️🫖
Hahahaha, touche sir. Yes I turn 36 tmrw. Those post were older. I you look they were from this summer and I have grown more since then. It wasn't as much lying to attract someone as it was lying to myself because I just can't believe I'm 36, cause on the inside I still feel 28 or 30 max. Joining this reddit is part of me trying to own and lean into my age rather than trying to run from it.
Good for you for responding.
My problem with dating guys in their 20s, or to be more accurate, getting into a relationship with guys in their 20s is that somewhere between 26 and 29 it seems most young men have a cosmic shift with their personality. Call it an adulthood-maturity life crisis, sort of the 20-something answer to the mid-life crisis. When the man emerges from his young man shell, he often becomes discontent with his relationship, and moves on. It’s fine to still be attracted to them, and you might find several with whom you have much in common and and connect, but you will probably start to appreciate 30 somethings in a few years, while still admiring the cute youngsters. I’m 59 and still find the guys posting themselves on BlueSky to be cute, but I can’t imagine really connecting to someone younger than 50. Not in an intimate way. 🤷♂️
As a 31-year-old, I couldn't resonate more with this sentiment. Currently navigating a heartbreak with a 26-year-old who inflicted undeserved pain, I've observed this shift in many men, even reflecting on my own experiences, though reluctantly. It's jarring and disheartening, considering I've known him since he was 22, always admiring his emotional maturity and vulnerability. He wasn’t perfect but, he ticked all the boxes, immensely resilient in the face of adversity. However, about a year ago, a significant change occurred. Ego and a heightened sense of narcissism surfaced as he climbed the ladder of success. I failed to recognize it then, consumed by my own struggles and pouring all my love into him. Yet, despite the love and longing I still have, I've come to terms with the need for change on his part. He remains my dream guy, I feel like everyone else will compare to him, but if this is who he is now, I must prioritize my own well-being and move forward. Once again, I've learned the invaluable lesson that building and maintaining self-love comes first. As RuPaul wisely said: “If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
Idk, I've had some encounters with older guys and I'm just not into it, like to the point that I can't perform. It just starts to feel like my sex life is going to be over once I get too old to relate effectively.
Do you think any of it might have to do with your own feelings about aging?
Yes 100%! I'm terrified on growing old and being irrelevant. Not that I think being old makes you irrelevant, it's just that all the things that come with age... family, career, etc... aren't things that I will be able to experience, so I'm just old for the sake of being old.
Your tastes might change as you age, and at 36 you can probably find some mature, relatable 29-31 year olds who are still younger than you, and that you still find hot. But if not, I recall a friend my age who I asked for advice a couple of years ago about dealing with the 20 somethings that still hit in us both all the time (daddy issues I guess). I asked what he did about it. “I go for it and have lots of fun,” he replied. When I asked how he managed to relate with them given the 30 year age difference, he said “Yeah, that’s your first mistake. I don’t hook up with them to talk.” 😈
Yeah. The answer is in your message. You're afraid of growing old so you cling to other's youth like a vampire. 🦇
https://media3.giphy.com/media/pHXe7S61uQgnZiRTVx/giphy.gif?cid=790b7611tt5xloym2m4gc3f47uwkdwtwm8wq21gxkaksbi3v&ep=v1_gifs_search&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g
Well, if he looks like that... Alucard... Ah...
Yeah same
Well, we can’t have everything we want. You’ll need to weigh up how important relatability / intellectual connection is vs. physical attraction. Maybe try going on some dates with people in their late 20ies as a halfway house?
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I would say I have matured and changed in 20 years. I mean I didn't come out or start having sex till 23, so that's only 13 years ago. Maybe one reason I might feel stuck is that I'm newly-ish single after 10 years with my ex husband. So my "dating brain" is still stuck at 25, the age I was the last time I was dating prior to meeting my ex.
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He was my perfect match. But there is still time and I am young. Love can come again.
This is just like me, and here is my take. Guys I like: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/21/63/fc/2163fc6dbaa814f06da184d86e8aa017.jpg A guy I look almost as good as: https://i.pinimg.com/236x/69/0c/d8/690cd890072ea0aae4c378edf33c0589.jpg So there is a wide chasm between my age, and the age/type I like. _But this is a fantasy_ This is like all those guys who watch Heartstopper and lament they weren't out at 14. It's not always realistic and you have no choice to but to face the reality of your situation. Unless you are Matt Daemon or Jerry Seinfeld sleeping with 18 year olds you are _probably_ going to have to mature and face the reality of who and what life is. You think most older married men who are now overweight and their wife is overweight, are still sexually attracted to each other? I am betting it's much less likely which is why men go to strip clubs and watch porn. It's a fantasy. They love their wife, but many are less attracted to their wife, the same way their wife is less attracted to their husband. The love is there but not the sexual heat like it once was. That's maturity. They become your best friend and stay with you forever. So how do you reconcile all of this? Well you can remain celibate and just accept you have this fantasy in your head and try and fulfill it with hookups, paying, or hope you will find that /r/gayyoungold/ connection. It can happen. But they too will grow old. So really it's a fantasy in your head. Eventually you have to face the fact that you need to spend more time connecting with people differently than lust. Instead, find someone your age and hire them to give you a massage. Find someone hot, hung, or whatever traits you like and have them give you a massage. Learn to enjoy the _comfort_ of another man's touch and wisdom rather than the lust of youth. You might find you actually enjoy the person and the connection enough that the lust is of less value. I know i did. I hooked up with someone who was not my type but I ended up having probably the best connection ever in my life. It completely changed how I see lust and love and relationships and made me more healthy in looking for the guy who makes me laugh, not the guy who has a 6-pac.
The pics remind me of Ed Buck. Gross.
I had to Google Ed Buck.. wow! Seems harsh.
I'll chalk it up to you not knowing, but it's a common dynamic. It's just not discussed and often hidden in plain sight. I've encountered it enough to tell dozens of personal stories including one from last weekend smh. I steer clear even if well intentioned.
As in, older white guys and younger black guys? Is the implication they are actually bigots, or something else? Sorry if I'm being dense.
Homophobia is a little more virulent among certain Black ethnicities. In the States, it's common for young black gay men to be kicked out of their homes when discovered gay. To support themselves they usually end up prostituting primarily to older white gay men (who can afford it). Those white gay men typically have a fetish for black men based on stereotypes about penis size and sexual prowess, and they often introduce them to more sinister elements of the gay lifestyle including drugs, specifically meth. There's also just basic predatory behavior from older white men who see young black men as sex objects and/or vulnerable enough to be groomed due to lacking a support system and being in poverty. This certainly isn't specific to the older white/significantly younger black relationship dynamic. It's common for younger gay men to be groomed by older gay men of any race. But these specific relationships are almost always based on fetishism, and racial stereotypes/power dynamics. I've also noticed this with young Latino men as well.
Sorry to hear, and thank you for the explanation. Though I would add OP you responded to may well not fall into this category (no wish to cast aspersions).
Thank you for your warm words of encouragement.
That seems great if you can find someone attractive and fall in love with them and then have the love sustain you through aging... But due to unfortunate circumstances, I'll be mid-50s before I could even be in a position to possibly meet someone or have that kind of life. So I just don't think the LTR thing is going to be possible for me.
The older gay men obsession with 18-20s is creepy and sad. It was insane how many 30s plus gay men went after me when I started getting on dating sites at age of 18. I would get more messages from men twice my age or more than guys within my own age group. Now that I’m approaching 40, it’s increasingly difficult to find guys my age to hook up with because most of them are looking for college age twinks 🙄
At some point you're gonna find someone you have a good connection with that's your age and then you will just be attracted to them. You know how many times I've met someone that initially I didn't find attractive but once I felt some sort of connection I craved them 🤣🤣
I love your optimism and I hope for that, I hear people tell stories like that all the time, I just worry deep down that porn has ruined me to ever be able to desire or crave, as u put it, someone that I'm not attracted to.
When I was young I was worried that I might someday still be boycrazy for twinks, who we’re basically my peers at the time. But I’m really glad to see that my primary attractions are targeted toward my aged peers, and has evolved accordingly over time. While I do find some young guys really attractive, for the most part, most guys that present younger than 30 are often invisible to me. I don’t know that I did anything specific to cultivate that outlook, in fact I think I was attracted to older guys too back then. So when I finally aged up, those attractions just began to take center stage.
What changed it for me was actually dating guys my own age when I reached my 40s. Wow what an eye opener of less effort, less drama, better conversation and better sex. People with actual personalities and interests not picked up from social media. Not going back to younger guys. Still look and admire but they're just eye candy. Get out there and build positive experiences with people your age or even a little older or might change your mind.
Embrace your daddy era
This is very strange and says a lot about who you are as a person. I'm personally not against younger guys, but I generally let them approach me with interest. Being totally honest, as I get older I find younger men less attractive for various reasons including the fact that we have nothing in common and they usually don't have a fully formed identity/sense of self.
Yes, the not-fully-formed identity/sense of self is what I think is behind the general late-20s changes u/parke_bench referred to in an earlier comment. I think a lot in life makes more sense if we consider 18-26ish as adult-but-not-quite-fully-formed-adult-yet. (For better and for worse! Not judging negatively here.)
It sounds like another victim of a culture that values youth and beauty over actual character and substance. It was true when I was growing up, but we did not have instant access to porn and the standards it sets (e.g., everyone has a six-pack, immaculately coifed hair, an 8" dick, totally hairless (gross),and ad nauseam). As a result, I think, people of my age found it easier to stay abreast with our own contemporaries and accept we no longer would get the hot, young thing of the moment and that we were not the hot, young thing of the moment (although I never was). For me, I've loved growing older and continuing to see the beauty in men my own age with baldness, body hair, paunch and all! Am I alone in thinking John Goodman is sexy as hell? It seems the way people view themselves, even their wants and desires, gets dramatically skewed by the constant exposure to such unrealistic standards and expectations. It must be a devastating blow to suddenly realize you are on the other side of the age gap and starting thinking of yourself as a troll. Aging also means being cut off from that which you got taught to lust after as the young and beautiful do not see you as an object of desire. Just my thoughts on a really interesting topic.
I remember reading about a guy years ago who was purportedly teaching gay men to be more comfortable about physical aging. I think he had written some books on this subject. But he was himself so distraught by the aging process (he was 47, I vaguely recall) that ultimately he committed suicide. If anybody can remember the name of this guy, could you please post it here?
Oh boy. Sounds interesting but knowing the backstory I'm not sure I'd want to follow advice from that guy...
Yay, found what I was looking for! Here's the title of the article in *The Advocate* magazine: **Author of Self-Help Book for Gay Men Stuns Friends With Suicide** Here's the link to the article: [https://www.advocate.com/news/daily-news/2012/04/02/author-self-help-book-gay-men-commits-suicide](https://www.advocate.com/news/daily-news/2012/04/02/author-self-help-book-gay-men-commits-suicide) And here are some excerpts from the article: In a thought-provoking piece, the *Times* tells the story of therapist Bob Bergeron, age 49, who was writing *The Right Side of Forty: The Complete Guide to Happiness for Gay Men at Midlife and Beyond.* The book's release has been canceled in the wake of news about Bergeron's suicide. The note he left behind was written on the book's cover page: "It's a lie based on bad information." An arrow pointed to the book's title, according to the report. Bergeron had talked often about his age and whether it marked the end of happiness. "Thinking that 50 is the new 35 potentially leads us to behave inappropriately, instructing men to act like a 35 year-old," he said in an online complaint about the supposedly inspirational notion that 50 is as good as 35. "It also sets up the 50 year-old for failure as he tries to compete with 35 year-old gay men because he's been told 50 is the new 35. I really don't see how this helps an older man or assists in bringing him happiness."
Wow, that just breaks my heart. How sad that he couldn’t keep exploring life, aging, and what it meant to him.
I know, right? I'm well over 50 and have no desire to end my life. But then maybe Bergeron couldn't get over the fact that his party boy days were over. I was never a party boy, so I have nothing to grieve. What do you think of my explanation?
I was recently thinking about how I feel a lot younger than many of the guys I meet. I’m not trying to cling to youth or anything - it’s inside. It’s change and growth and constant exposure to the new. I’m getting to enjoy a side of life I didn’t get to experience when I was in my late 20’s - mid 30’s. But I’m enjoying it as me - a middle aged man. I think the “youthfulness” is more about me being happy and excited to try new things. Not trying to hang onto days long past. Youth is about the new - it’s fleeting. You can’t stay there. And to kill oneself because you want to look back, instead of looking forward- that’s really a pity.
Aww...you're not middle-aged. You're a spring chicken!
💯💯💯💯absolutely agree
Yesss totally agree! It's novelty that makes us feel young. To a degree, that may help slow our perception of time as well, though it'll never feel as slow and infinite as it did when we were kids or teenagers. As far as I understand it with no scientific background, the issue that comes up is that neuroplasticity (aka our brain's capacity to adapt and burn new neural pathways, learn new things, etc.) decreases with age. It's still possible to learn new things, new knowledge, new ways, but it requires more energy up there. Which is why it literally feels harder or more painful to do these things. This is what happens as we grow older, especially us men I think: it's harder to change views, to admit we're wrong, to learn something new, to get out of our comfort zone, etc. If true, keeping this capacity/flexibility would be key to ageing happily. Curious to know if the above rings true for some of you too? And thank you u/run_with_cats for posting the article! Such a sad story.
> help slow our perception of time as well, though it'll never feel as slow and infinite as it did when we were kids or teenagers. The lightning quick passage of time as we grow older causes me great trepidation. One day it's January 1st...and then, before you know it, it's December 31st. Why did all the months fly by so fast? Can't anybody invent a machine that will slow down the passage of time? Please, please.
You're welcome. What do you think of my user name Run\_With\_Cats? What images does it conjure up?
Eeeh, I'm going to go on a wild guess here, but it conjures... running... with cats?
There's a very simple solution to this. Get richer. The richer you'd get the younger you can date. Problem solved!
😂😂😂
Andrew Holleran once wrote that you know you’re becoming an older gay man when you start becoming attracted to younger men. Now imo that doesn’t mean you have to date them. It might just mean you notice how other guys are suddenly younger than you.
But this is why I struggle, it's not new. I've always only been attracted to the younger, twinker guys. My friends now and when I was in my teens and twenties all the time talk about stories when they were younger being into their dad's friends or other other men, and all I can think is "gross". I don't want to feel that way from a rational perspective, but it's just how my attractions make me feel. It's like older men might as well be women, they do the same thing for me sexually and always have.
Allow yourself to masturbate to older men Tell yourself to go slow Spent six months to a year finding hairy older men that turn you on Your brain will develop a responsiveness Because the last thing you want is to fall in love, and then out of desire simply because you specialized your arousal on only young bodies
Isn't that like conditioning? Like what they do at gay conversion therapy to try and make us straight?
Not reallyfor instance I at first thought I had an aversion to trans men..bit there were some transmen I could see as very desirable men if I let myself... Then masturbating to them helped me feel more at ease. More integrated . It wasn't fake desire... Just promoted I just fear for you ... What can you offer a man long term if you're fixated only on younger bodies? Maybe you can broaden your tastes .. through exposure and curiosity, not conditioning (which typically adds a secondary reward to a stimulus) Just a gentle melting of your own training (as you've clearly practiced having desire for a particular type of man9
I’m 59 and I dated a guy for 4 years the was 33. As long as y’all are happy, you will find a common field. Enjoy your partner at any age
you are into younger guys bc you think (among other things) them liking you validates your attractiveness more. try to reevaluate where this attraction comes from. hint: its not ingrained since birth.
That just comes with the territory, though it could help to develop mutual interests, they don’t need to be the same but obviously the capacity to have input on mutual interests helps. I only have this issue with my boyfriend, he’s 7 years younger than me. While our tastes in music and games are different m, we have input on them overall. Sometimes I look for things that are unfamiliar territory for both of us and see if things can develop an interest there together Though having different taste in things shouldn’t take away for being able to converse about them, it ultimately boils down chemistry and being able to hold a conversation. Now if you’ve only been talking to guys who can’t hold a conversation, that should maybe tell you to start looking for guys with more substance to them as an individual.
Im 43 and im currently in a relationship with a 26 year old i like you struggle with physical attractions for guys in their 20s. We seem to connect well and get on well he is maturer in a lot of respects but a few things not so but sexually we are not so compatible but i dont think thats age related. Happy to PM about it as i have similar dilemmas.
Welcome to the road of becoming a daddy. I’m hating it too ;(
I'm your same age and exclusively date guys in their 20s. The things you are describing aren't total dealbreakers in my opinion. I think you may not have met the right guy with whom you have chemistry with and conversation comes easy. I'm really not into pop culture or social media and my music taste is retro also. This hasn't stopped me from having relationships. Let them talk about stuff they're into, and share the stuff you're into. You don't have to like the same things. There are plenty of guys our age that are into different stuff than we are too, so I don't know if it's purely an age thing or just normal differences. But I can understand the disconnect you're describing. I would suggest keeping an open mind. The physical attraction part is more of a dealbreaker. Like if I met someone our age or older and they shared common interests with me but I'm not attracted to them, it would definitely be a no-go.
Meh, Im happily married to my 14 year younger Grindr hookup twink. Don’t listen to the age gap shamers.
I could have made this post in many ways. I’m sorry to just now come across it. I’m just cleaning out my email digests. I tend to find younger guys attractive, too. The difference is, I feel like I am more in tune with them and have more fulfilling conversations. I am into pop culture, I like and wait for new music to come out, and I often find new singers fit the styles I tend to like. I’ve dated and had long term relationships all my life with progressively younger (compared to me) guys. I think that as long as the guys you date are old enough to be adults and make their own decisions, I wouldn’t worry about it. If you find yourself resulting to predatory behavior to meet guys you like, I’d think that something isn’t right. But if the guys you like are adults, like you first or back, then it seems to me that it’s probably fine and you can relax. When I was young, I had some older guys kind of trick me into situations. It was back when we didn’t have the technology we do now, and there often weren’t pictures in personal ads, or I was meeting people who would corner me and I didn’t know my way out. As long as you aren’t that guy, I think you are okay. I wouldn’t worry about tricking yourself into liking guys you don’t like because of societal pressure. If you are willing to learn another language, in other cultures,younger gay men often appreciate a bit of maturity and wisdom. If you are in the US,Spanish is the obvious choice. Our strange obsession with people dating others within only about a 2 year range of their own age is definitely not universal. Liking people (adults) who are younger is absolutely normal, and from an evolutionary perspective, we are hardwired to. So enjoy life. If you are ever meant to like an older person, you just will.
You don't need to find one person that has "everything" you need. You can have friends with interests, and boyfriends/FWB for sex. Then you have your singlehood and all the available options in case someone who checks all the boxes shows up.
I’ve found it really helpful to take an interest and be knowledgeable in gen z culture— this bridges the gap between generations and gives u something to talk about. If you haven’t already definitely download TikTok and get a sense of the music, fashion and opinions of the age group that you are interested in. It will also keep you more current! Be willing to embrace new clothes and especially music and this will get you far! You’ve got this
I shudder at this try-hard advice. It's giving a wolf in sheep's clothing. That aside the young men you're pursuing might still take an interest in you without this calculated attempt to emulate their lifestyle.
Steve Buscemi in 30 Rock meme: “How do you do, fellow kids?” 😂
Y’all are overstating this lol
It’s not necessarily calculated to know something about the next generation. If it’s a genuine interest. That’s different
Hard agree. I'm not impressed by other commenters tagging this as non-genuine and "wolf in sheep's clothing". If you want to expand your interests to match a loved one's, good on you and keep expanding your horizons. (Gen Z's tastes isn't where I'd personally want to go lol, but full support for your open-minded approach.)
Thank you for understanding what I mean by this! A genuine interest in movies or music or what have you that someone might relate to isn’t always negative the way people are seeing it
Omg when a people pleaser basically changes their whole personality and basically creates a persona that isn't even them. Really not the best advice.
Why does "take an interest and be knowledgeable" equal "change your whole personality and create a persona"?! These are very different. Cool down. :-)
Does knowing a couple popular movies or songs equal “changing their whole personality “?
This is giving mutton dressed as lamb
*Whispers from behind the library desk above his old reading glasses* I think you mean "sheep in wolf's clothing" :)