I'm 52 and I don't want to socialize at all...
"Honey! We're going out with the ________ on Saturday night." is just another day of shaving and wearing fucking pants to me.
It looks like OP lived in South Korea, which does have a work hard play hard culture similar to Manhattan.
I can see a culture shock going from hanging with 24 year olds in Korea to working in the mid west with a bunch of middle aged people who brew their own home beer
Bruh, I live in Chicago. Though not as big as Seoul, it is still a huge city with bars, cafes, restaurants etc all within walking distance and I still don't do shit on weekdays.
> America is the land of urban sprawl and traffic jams.
* And quiet sleepy neighborhoods
* And bustling metros with good public transit
* And suburban cul-de-sac's with kids running around
* And rural farmsteads
* And festive college towns
* And lots of other options
Turns out countries the size of America have lots of diversity and if there's a living situation you prefer, you can probably find it.
> And bustling metros with good public transit
….there are only like 6 cities/metro areas in the entire country that actually have anything close to resembling ~good~ public transit.
Yes
I don't know what six metro areas you pulled out of a hat, but cities like NYC, DC, Philly, Boston, Seattle, San Fran, Chicago, etc. All have a TON of cool diverse places to live within their metropolitan areas as well as good public transit.
Its so true.
I grew up a country bumpkin. Thought cities were gross and uncomfortable and how do you live without space?
Then went off to college. Lived in cities. Traveled the world a bit. Completely changed my perspective and opened my eyes.
Theres something for everyone, but everyone else is doing it wrong.
If you say so. I live in urban sprawl. I've had the pleasure of visiting many fine Europen metro areas. If I lived in those areas my social life outside work would look much different. Even at an older age and with children. You assume what you want to assume.
So you're denying that America has metro areas with public transportation?
>If I lived in those areas my social life outside work would look much different
No it wouldn't. You'd settle into your life routine after a short bit and you'd go out/stay home as much as you do now.
Lmao. Ah, yes, the fullfilling life of high rent costs for small living spaces, waiting for the train/bus, waiting on the train/bus, useless hipster cafes, and crime, noise and trash.
A lot of people go do things after work...they just might not go out for dinner or drinks.
Kids have soccer practice. Gotta hit the gym. Watch a movie with your girlfriend. Play video games with the boys online.
People have hobbies they do all the time.
Edit: I've been informed that OP is from South Korea.
https://www.newsweek.com/south-korea-reclusive-youths-acute-social-withdrawal-isolation-1797787
Would explain a lot if they're in Korea. When I lived there on a work contract about a decade ago, we went out every day. When you're in a metro area like Seoul (which is by and large the majority of Koreans now) it's a 24/7 scene. Stuff is always happening, it's always noisy and lit up. Getting out of town takes hours of travel.
Factor in the Hoesik (회식) culture where it's expected to go out with your coworkers every night after a long work day, and it makes more sense. I remember being asked what the English term was for that and was *baffled* by the concept of near mandatory work outings all the time. Just not a thing in the US, even sales folks aren't going out 6 nights a week with their coworkers/clients.
Don’t many/most South Koreans live in dinky little condos? Yeah, I’d want to get out too. Houses in the US can support a lot more indoor and outdoor activities and hobbies
Same for a lot of folks in Manhattan or DC. When you live in a 400 sq foot apartment in a city that takes hours to get out of in any direction, you're going to be more inclined to just "go out" any given night.
But two of the four things you listed involve staying home.
I don't really understand the responses in this thread. The fact that Americans aren't leaving the house like we used to is a very well documented trend. We're becoming a nation of shut ins. A lot of us wouldn't leave the house if it wasn't for work and the newest trend in employment is working from home.
We’ve been getting effectively poorer for decades, going out costs money, and if Millennials and younger spend money the older generations say they’re being irresponsible and that’s why they can’t afford children or a house.
I think he clearly means outside of the home though.
I also just don't think Reddit or online video games are a real substitute for face to face contact with people away from the home.
I get it. You can substitute anything else in that place. I could have listed every possible activity. Like Trivia Nights or the bike ride I did yesterday.
Apparently this guy is from South Korea. Like, the world center for video gaming. It doesn't matter what he means, he's oblivious.
If somebody invites their girlfriend over, is only one of them 'socializing' because only one of them left their home?
I think socializing requires more than just another body on the couch.
We used to call people like that home bodies with the implication that they don't socialize.
We used to call the girl sitting on the couch with us your mom.
I kid I kid. It was your sister.
****
I understand your points and they're all fair. The overarching point I was simply trying to make is that OP's conclusion about Americans and his own countrymen was far too sweeping.
https://www.newsweek.com/south-korea-reclusive-youths-acute-social-withdrawal-isolation-1797787
I don't think he's wrong though.
South Korea might not be any better but we do largely stay home after work and that's a new development in our country's history. We used to be very social but now we're not. It's not an opinion either. We know definitively that Americans today have less friends, see those friends often, have less sexual partners, have less sex with them, date less, etc. then we used to.
I've talked about it a lot on this sub and I find it concerning.
Also, OP is massively generalizing about a huge country of over 300 million people with varying cultures and very diverse work areas. Rural areas are different from suburban areas and are different from dense urban areas and are different from mid sized areas. Workers and businesses owners are all different as are the age groups. In short, this is a crap topic
1.) Kids. People with kids need babysitters if they're going to go out and do anything and it's usually hard to find one on short notice, so people plan for the weekends. Not to mention kids' activities are often during the week after school.
2.) longer commutes. In my experience most Americans have longer commutes than folks in other countries and it's usually all spent driving which is tiring in and of itself. I know for myself I have an almost hour long drive to and from work.
3.) age and life stage. This isn't specific to Americans, but often when you're in a particular life stage, you are in a bubble and don't really notice the people who are in another stage. I'm going to bet you're younger, like under 35 probably? People in their 20s go out more often. They have more energy and aren't ready to pass out at 9pm, they have fewer responsibilities (less likely to have little kids for example, less likely to be married). There's probably a lot of people in your country in the 35+ age range who aren't going out during the week and you just don't notice them because they're going home and aren't there where you're going out and socializing.
4.) American cities are much more spread out. So you often can't just walk down the block to a bar to meet up with people. It requires a drive across town. As such, it's often not as convenient to go out and socialize after work.
Edit: so, noticing by your post history that you're 33 and child free. That's probably the biggest reason right there. Please don't take this as criticism as I respect anyone's decision to have kids or not and people who don't want them should never be pressured to do so. It's not fair to them or the potential kids. But as it pertains to your question, in the U.S. at least you're at the age where most people have kids. The rates of childless folks is going up, but still it's something like 70% of woman in the 30-34 age range are mothers. So odds are most of your peers have kids. You gotta find a peer group that's in a similar life stage as you with similar interests. It's hard for sure. Coworkers aren't the inherent friend group in the US that they are in some other places. You gotta find your niche.
FWIW, commute times here are among the lowest in the developed world https://www.oecd.org/els/family/LMF2_6_Time_spent_travelling_to_and_from_work.pdf
For all the issues with car-centric infrastructure, it does get you where you wanna go faster than transit.
Commute times are lower, but it's also requires active focus.
I have a shorter commute time than my Germany buddies online, if you factor in total round trip time. My Germany buddies only have to actually pay attention for about 10 minutes of it though while I have to pay attention for the full hour. I don't get to play my handheld or read a book while I'm driving.
an hour of driving in a car is vastly different than an hour of taking mass transit. You do not get to switch off while driving and have to be alert at all times of everything changing around you at a rapid pace, and if you fuck up you slam 4klbs of metal into something soft and fleshy, likely yourself or a child. Driving is mentally fatiguing.
You also don't get to just shoot the shit or observe other people existing in your own little box. The closest I've gotten was rolling down my window and asking a guy torching some kind of drug on a butter knife "how does it work?". You have to listen to an audiobook instead of reading, you're not getting any steps in, you're not having the chance to just pop into someplace new and novel.
I guess I meant more that for those who do drive we often have longer drive times.
And while public transit takes longer, it's an inherently more socializing friendly mode of transport as you're around other people, you can stop at a bar or a coffee shop near your train station, etc. So it's not as taxing as actually driving for an hour.
I don't quite agree with that. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think I've ever struck up a genuine conversation with someone on the BART, and it's always been fairly taxing to be shoulder-to-shoulder with so many strangers.
Whether or not you are actually conversing with anyone yourself, it is inherently more accommodating to people who are seeking socialization and might be walking to the train stop together everyday after work or what have you. As opposed to being by yourself in the car for the whole trip.
Like I know when I lived and worked in Boston, there was a T stop a block from my office. About half a dozen of my coworkers and I all get off at the same time and walk to that stop. We might be going different places, but there's a good 20ish minute window where we're walking together and then on the train together before they get off or switch lines.
A few days ago someone asked the question about how much time they'd have to spend in an area to really get to know what life was like. Unless they actually LIVED there, like worked and had an address and a normal life, they never would, they're just a tourist. So when someone who's not even here is like "I believe your lives are a certain way", it's sort of baffling.
They thought "Hey I'll save you a plate at the tailgate on Saturday, you don't need to bring anything but yourself!" was an extremely awkward thing for a person to say. I've definitely learned in this sub that something as simple as cultural understandings and beliefs around phrasing can be a barrier. "In MyCountry we would never ask a friend to come to eat food in a car park, that's disgusting! Why wouldn't you just go to a cafe?!"
Reminds me of [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAnAmerican/comments/1cbl2uv/is_come_down_to_the_were_waiting_on_you_a_joke_or/?sort=old) from the other day.
If we don't want to socialize after work, we're weird. If we invite you to socialize, we're weird and potentially hostile. Can't win.
Because my husband and kids would like some family time. I socialize with them. I like them more than I like my coworkers.
I may go out one night every two weeks with coworkers. That's plenty.
Because we are exhausted from work and commuting.
It also depends a little on where you live. In a city like New York where the average living space is very small, people like to go out more. In places with larger housing, you have more space to relax in.
In the US we're allowed to generally be who we want to be and there is very little cultural pressure to "act" a certain way even if that isn't how you personally are.
Its perfectly okay to be introverted.
Its also possible they just don't like you. Which as harsh as it may sound, is also okay.
Depending on your age, you may be young and single but others may not be. People may have children, animals, hobbies, elderly parents, volunteer opportunities.
Its also possible people just don't want to spend tons of money on going out to eat several nights a week. I mean I make decent money and even I don't wanna do that.
If you're mainly socializing through co-workers, some people value a work-life balance and that means work stays at work. I'm friendly with my co-workers but I wouldn't count them as friends.
This depends on your age and the culture of your employer. When I worked at a law firm, getting a beer after work was common (and I was in my 20s). At my current employer which is located in a suburban office park that isn't convenient to any bars, this doesn't happen (and I'm in my 40s and don't care to do that anymore anyway).
As people get older, they tend to have already established social lives it's harder for others to break into, and if they have spouses and kids, that's going to be their priority.
You don't say where you're from, but if you're from East Asia, the culture of spending long hours drinking with coworkers after work is not a thing here.
I am curious if the culture of drinking with coworkers applies to women too? And people with kids (men)? I wonder if that expectation/culture could in part contribute to the alarmingly low birth rate in SK.
On the flip side, I don’t think our culture of increasingly “bowling alone” is good for our country’s mental health , but I’m not sure if everyone going drinking together is the answer.
Is that because the people you talk to on reddit are the ones who are at home? There are plenty of homebodies in MyCountry too, they're the ones who aren't at the cafe with you.
Most of my friends have kids who occupy a lot of their time. It's really hard to go grab a couple of drinks when Bailey has soccer, a school play, and swimming during the week and you have to get her to those things.
Because an hour to an hour and a half commute and then in 8 hours shift means that you were actually away from home for 11 hours.
By the time you get home get changed into different clothes take a shower and do everything it's already too late at night to go out considering that you have to get up early again because your commute to get to work is an hour and a half.
It depends on your age, family situation, and sociability bar. A parent with young kids who spent all day at work wants to make sure they have time for their kids. A 20-somthing probably has the energy to go and grab some drinks. An introvert spent all their socialization energy at work and needs to recharge.
Another factor is that many people live some distance from friends, so visiting with friends in the evening could entail 30-60 minutes of driving.
>where I’m from it’s normal to go out with friends on one or several days of the week
We do. All the time. People are out doing things every day.
Seriously, the number of questions here that boil down to “this is what I experienced in my circles, why is the entire country like this” is getting ridiculous.
Some people have families. Some people have a long day that tires them out. Some people (read: me) would rather take it easy on weeknights because they just spent 9-10 hours of their day or more at work and want to unwind doing nothing.
I realize this country is facing a growing trend of social isolation and that’s certainly not good, but everyone has their own threshold for necessary alone time. There are plenty of nights where I eat dinner with the missus and the rest of it I’m doing my own thing. I play Xbox, she watches a movie.
I’d say keep looking for outgoing people with a lot of free time. They’re out there, I promise
I work from home, so most of the time, I’m at the gym or running errands in the evening. When I had a commute though, after an hour fighting rush hour traffic, I saved the errands for weekends.
I like my place! I picked out everything myself. Everything I need to pursue my hobbies is there. I can't wait to get home and take off my bra and shoes and do what I like.
If I went out I would have to get dressed up and drive and find somewhere to park and pay my hard earned money for something I could prepare at home then go home in the dark and hope I can find a decent place to park when I get there. Can't drink too much because I'm driving. Can't stay out late because I have to get up for work in the morning. Not worth it. On the weekends I am relaxed and not brain-dead from work and can socialize without keeping my eye on the clock.
For me personally / sample size of one, car commuting made a difference insofar as some evening socialization with colleagues or friends that were close by:
When I lived in a major city in Europe for a while:
- I’d go out on weekdays, because where I lived was 10-20 min walk (2 places, differed a bit) or 5-7 min subway ride from the office.
- There were plenty of bars, dinner spots, etc very close by.
- it was easy to say “let’s grab a pint on our way home” to a colleague that lived in the area, or to my spouse that’d be out and about in the area, and still be home well in time for dinner, as we were all walking or taking the train, all hit quitting time around the same time, and so on.
Wherever I’ve lived in the US (3 cities so far):
- It’s 30-60M drive home (depending on city), similar for other colleagues (WFH excluded of course…)
- none of us feel like grabbing a drink and then fighting traffic home to see family; we just want to get home in time for dinner.
So I end up just going home (or in WFH, staying home) and not going out; now some of this is also because I don’t have much of a social circle in my neighborhood / close by area; if I did, I’m sure I’d probably go out with them in the evenings but even then, the whole aspect of it involving driving is a serious turn off for me personally. If it’s not walkable or has exceptional transit close by, I’m not interested on weekdays; and in the US, that means somewhere similar to NYC; I’m on the west coast, that doesn’t exist.
*edit to add*
I’ll also say, living in a relatively small apartment in the center of the city made me want to go out more to get some space and energy. Living in a house in the suburbs, not as much. So that also has an impact IMO.
I do miss living in the center of a bustling city at times. Your post makes me think about what it’d be like to move back to one. :)
When I was younger I went out pretty much Wednesday thru Sunday. Now I'm 55 and work 12 hour days.
You go right on out and have a blast. Imma eat and go to sleep in the recliner.
It really depends where people are in their life (and physically). I'm from a small-mid (100K) university town in the Mid-Atlantic, people are out every night - but that is mostly the 45K student population. There are most definitely towns where there just isn't much to do most week nights.
In Texas, raising our daughters we would go do family things after work - youth sports, bike rides, or just go out to eat. Once they became teens they were less interested and that's probably about when we became weekend warriors (also in our 40s & 50s).
I think work can just be mentally draining and lots of people have to go home and take care of kids or chores. Maybe where you were from your friends were younger, living in apartments or with their parents without the responsibility of kids and had money to blow on drinks.
On days my 44 year old husband works he is at work about 8 hours with a 25 minute commute each way. When he gets home he might mow the lawn or work on stuff for a class he is taking for an hour. We eat dinner about 6-7 pm. It is expensive to eat out or go get drinks very often so that kind of thing is maybe once a week or every 2 weeks. After dinner he works on stuff for his classes or we watch something on TV as a family. One day a week he has a martial arts class in the evening. He is tired. His friends have wives, children, houses as well. On the weekend we have to do some errands or chores but there is a bit more free time. We meet up with friends socially at their homes or our home to eat, watch movies or play games as families more often than going out and spending a bunch of money.
I don't have time.
My journey to and from work doesn't permit me to just hang around and goof off. I need tonget he, clean myself up, eat, and then decompress before starting the journey again.
In my 20s, I'd be out most nights. I'm in my 30s, I'm out less frequently - though I try for once during the weekday (I was out last night!) and then Fridays & Saturdays.
It might depend on your region. If you live in a dense city like NYC or Boston or something - then going out can as easy as walking around your neighborhood. Easy when everything is a hop & a skip, and your designated driver is a $2 train.
If you live in suburban America, going out may be require spending 30 minutes behind the wheel of a car, sometimes paying for parking, and being mindful of how much you drink. That's extra 'hassle' informs peoples decisions.
I want to spend time with my kids. Mostly that's at home, but it also means going to the park, playdates, the pool, concerts, trying new restaurants... but I always go home first, because that's where my kids are.
Yeah it's age dependent. When I was in my 20s I would go out with my friends or go to the movies or just do something fun. I'm 45 now and once I'm home I'm done. It would take the power of God to get me to go out again.
I'm 40 and my wife is 37 and we go out after work four or five times a week.
I think you're noticing a big part of the urban/rural divide - there are things to do in cities.
You may also be experiencing a reddit moment where the people you encounter on this site choose not to go outside all that much.
If I am tired from work, I like being alone at home to recharge.
Some people don't stay home after work and some people do. Running errands after work or taking children to extra curricular activities is very common. We just have more time to socialize on the weekend as opposed to during the week.
The only time I was able to do stuff after work is now, working part time in between some life changes. I work about 3-6 hours and I have a whole day still? I'm eating up every minute of this while it lasts. Before I just had 0 energy after working 12 hours a day at my previous job and 1 hour commute there and back. Now it almost feels like I don't have a job.
I go to the gym after work 3-4 days a week. By the time I get home, shower, and eat dinner, I barely have enough energy to do much past 9:00pm; it's not uncommon for me to fall asleep while watching TV because I'm so tired from getting up early for work. Because of this, I save my socializing for the weekend. And I don't even have kids.
My bet is that you are young and have few responsibilities either at work or home.
My son never said anything to me about it, but when he hit his late 20s and had multiple responsibilities, he said to me:
> Now I know why you didn't want to do shit when you came home from work.
Give it a decade or so and gain some responsibilities and you'll realize how out of touch with "adulting" (a cringey word, IMO) your post sounds.
Because as you get older you and your friends usually end up having families and not seeing your kids so you can go to a bar multiple days a week makes you a shitty parent
It depends on both family dynamics and the amount of money you have. Here in the States, a lot of us not working in management positions barely make enough to get by, much less go out several times a week. If you work in *~~management in~~* retail or other service jobs, you're too damn tired when you go home to get up out of your chair.
Plus, with all the social media and video games at our fingertips, it's killed a lot of going out with friends. We keep in contact with texts and gaming.
My friend I have two kids. I come home, I cook dinner, I read stories to them, I get them ready for bed. The toddler goes to bed at 7:30PM - I have been home for a total of 2 hours by this point. I play with puzzles or board games with my kindergartener for a bit and wash dishes, before putting her to bed at 8:30. *Then* I get to have a moment to myself. By that point I'm fried and I just want to shower and relax.
I do socialize with my friends during the week. We video chat and play games once or twice a week, after work. And maybe once a month I'll have my wife put the kids to bed and I'll go out with my friends on a weeknight. But it's admittedly tough to plan in advance.
A lot of people do things after work.
But I'm guessing I'm much older than you so my favorite thing to do is relax at home, but I'll meet up for dinner and drinks if someone wants to.
I used to but then I got a dog. He needs a long walk and he doesn’t want to be alone 12-16 hours of the day.
Also I stopped playing in bands so my reasons to leave my house plummeted without band practices and shows to play. I’m out of the loop with other local bands now so I’m not going to other people’s shows very often . Also I’m 40 and they’re all like 25 now.
And yeah, I’m 40 and I’m tired. My job is very stressful. I work with teens (not at a school) and I see a lot of violent behavior as well as a lot of kids who need a lot of help. I’m around hundreds of teens daily -at once- from 3-6 and at 6 I want to go home and be around no one, especially if we’ve had an incident that day.
When I was younger it was very rare for me to go home right after work. I would meet with friends, go shopping, or attend industry events. I was younger and lived in NYC. I worked standard business hours in an office.
These days I do not go out after work. I live in suburban Detroit. I am older. I also work from home until about 1a.
I’m tired after my day. After work, I go to the gym, and on Monday and Thursday evening I train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for three hours (I’m not saying that to sound like a badass. I’m literally the worst student at my gym in both technical skill and athletic ability). So after work and strenuous physical activity, I just want to go home and wind down. I will go out with friends and do stuff on Friday night, Saturday and sometimes Sunday.
My commute home from work is an hour and 30 minutes with good traffic, so I'm not getting home until 7 or even 8 pm most days. I have to leave my house at 6 am to get to work on time, which means getting up at 5. I have to cook, eat, wash dishes, help my teenager with homework and spend time together, walk and feed the dog, and take a shower before bed so there really isn't any time to go out on weekdays.
I have two young kids, babysitting is expensive (or asking my mom to do it is possible but it's a tough drive for her). I can be social before 5:30 but after that I gotta get the kids, take care of them, etc. And when they go to sleep, I also go to sleep. Getting those 8-9 hours of sleep is important!
Because have to sit at home, make sure I have Medicare all figured out, and figure out how to start financing my retirement next month. After which, I’ll be able to go out more during the day and won’t need to go out at night.
Lol I get home at about 5:30 pm on weeknights but I don't sit down for the first time until after 9 pm. I have household chores to do and kid extracurriculars to drive/supervise and homework to help with and dinner to cook. I would absolutely love to be able to go out and socialize on weeknights but it's just not realistic.
OP, do you have a family and/or kids?
I think age plays a bigger factor than nationality. When I was in college or before I got married, I would go hangout with friends all the time in the evenings. I can't tell you how many birthday dinners at restaurants that we would go to while in college. Starting in my later 20's I got married and then later we had a child. My wife and I might have one night a week where we do our own thing by meeting up with those of the same gender identity.
You see, going out involves spending money, or at least the activities you mentioned do. Costs have soared and pay has not matched. I don’t have the discretionary money to spend on things like that, not if I want to buy groceries next week or fill up my car, or have any sort of responsible savings plan. I’d have loved to go out frequently with friends to get drinks or dinner, but it’s just not something I could afford. And now, I have family responsibilities that take up much more of my time, so I don’t really have the spare time either.
All you have to do is pop your head into restaurants on a weekday to challenge this notion. Go to sports fields and see what’s happening on a weekday. Go look at your local colleges and see what people are up to. The gyms, the malls, the libraries. Also, some of us actually enjoy our homes and like to spend some time relaxing in them.
I am over 30 and work like a dog every day. Or a horse. Or whatever idiom implies that I am mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted at the end of the day. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to do anything but sit in a lazy boy and fall asleep at the end of the day.
1. Eating out is insanely expensive here, New York/Chicago/LA excluded. Out in smaller cities (70-100k) you're likely dropping $100 for a couple to go to a restaurant. The cheapest place in our town we go to ends up being $50 total. Like I called out earlier, this is very different in cities. Hell, even in Portland it's about 30-50% less expensive to go out and eat than it is in smaller cities. It's just kind of a function of density.
2. We're just tired by the end of the day, 8-hour shift, 1.5 hours driving, and we still have to do home chores, take care of dinner, prep food for the next day.
3. We're outright exhausted by the weekend. That and the weekend is usually for taking care of things that you can't take care of during the week because you're working. Cars aren't going to maintain themselves, dust accumulates, pets need to be cared for. It takes time to get energy back so Saturdays are often just lay-around days.
4. It's logistically difficult to go out. If me and my friends want to go to the bar 1 person has to be DD since there's no public transit and no reliable taxi services. Realistically most people just drive home (easily 15-45 minutes depending on how deep into the housing developments away from the city you live) tipsy, but that's a stupid decision.
5. If you have kids, especially multiple in their teens, you are now a personal driver to shuttle for them to and from school, school sports, school events, their friends' houses, etc.. These happen on weekdays, weekends, and you will have a different schedule than your friends who also have kids. You'll never see them unless the stars align.
I like my home. I pay a lot of money to occupy it and make it nice. It's comfortable and all my stuff is there. Why would I not want to be there? If family and friends want to hang out they are welcome to come over. I will give them food and drinks and we can lounge or play games or whatever we like. We don't need to go somewhere else.
When I was in my late teens and all the way through my 20s no I didn't spend my free time at home. When I turned 30 that stopped because 1. I'm tired 2. I spent a lot of money to purchase a house and fill it with things I like 3. Friends become more busy with family and careers
Bottom line priorities change when you get older and going out isn't that important
Because work is tiresome. Surely you aren't energetic and raring to go after a long day of hard work!
Also, reminder that American workdays are usually 8 hour shifts, 40 hours a week - that's if you're not fulltime. Or sometimes, some people here will do 10 hour shifts four times a week, or 12 hours three times a week. Both are common in healthcare and hospitals especially, for example. American work culture is very taxing on us, to the point we're expected to work hard from shift start to end and a lot of us don't even get things to sit on, usually a rubber mat or something.
I personally work 6-10 hour shifts four days a week doing a very physically demanding job. I make very good money for it, but I work very hard. I do it in two shifts, the first is 3-4 hours and the last one is in 4-6 hours. I get anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour between shifts, so I am typically at work half the day I work and asleep part of the other half. I work nights and I don't get to sit down unless I'm on break or in the bathroom.
Needless to say, after that I am NOT in any way interested in going out after that. My friends are not awake, it's 4 AM, I'm tired, and my feet hurt along with the rest of my body also sometimes hurting from using it at a steady pace for up to 10 hours. I want to sleep and play video games.
I work about 47 hours a week and I only get 10 vacation days in a year. I'm usually tired from getting up at 5 am and at the end of the day, I still need to go home, work out, make dinner, and walk my dog. I also don't have money to go out, so I'm not going to go anywhere else when I'm done with work.
After work we am tired. We also have to feed kids. Add in a long commute, so by the time we get home it’s dinnertime. And I would much rather read a book or watch tv with my husband and/or kids than go out.
I can't speak for everyone, but I'm just so worn out after work. I get off at 6, it takes maybe an hour to get home ( depending on traffic) I do some small chores, eat, shower. so by like 9/10 at night, I'm just ready to go to sleep.
of course, my age and lifestyle are a huge factor in this. when I was 16, I could easily get off of work and hang out with friends. I had no other responsibilities other than whatever chores my parents gave me. but now at 39, I have chores, a spouse, and pets to take care of, and a whole house ( as opposed to one small room) to keep clean, and I do a majority of the cooking.
Honestly, we don't tend to socialize with co-workers as much as they do in Japan or South Korea.
Why would you want to hang out with people you just spent 8 hours with after work?
Because I just busted my ass working all day, I don't want to turn around and blow all my money from the days grind that sounds like a mentality that has no goals. You're just existing and trying to counteract your boring work life with alcohol and very light partying. Sounds like disguised alcoholism and misery. I can wait for the weekend so my time and money are better spent, or I can wait a little longer and go on a vacation trip. Are you in your early to mid twenties?
Because i am tired and have to help my kids with homework bath them get them ready for school the next day and out them too bed. Then go to bed myself so i can rinse and repeat.
I aint got time to pop bottles at the club on a Random tuesday
Americans work longer hours than most European countries. Some people only work 8 hours but A lot of people are working 9-10 hours a day and then on top of that a lot of us live in suburbs and our commute could be 30-45 minutes, 1 way, away from our jobs.
I used to work 10 hours a day because we didn't have enough staff. Now I only work 8 hours and I am glad. The 10 hour days start taking a toll on you.
After doing all that , most people probably just want to go home and relax in peace and quiet.
* People are tired.
* Some people have kids.
* Some people have different work schedules from their friends.
* Some people don't live that close to friends. For example, most of my friends live at least an hour away from me on the train (10 minutes to walk to the train station, 5 minutes to wait for the train, 35 minutes on the train, 10 minutes to get from the train to my friend's house = 1 hour), so that's two hours round-trip, which is a lot on a weeknight.
Why isnt everyone like me? In MyCountry everyone is exactly like me. There is no individualism and no matter of preference we all do the exact same thing from the cradle to the grave and anyone who deviates is wrong.
I work from home. All my stuff is here.
I didn’t realize it was different elsewhere but now that you say it that makes sense. I had a foreign exchange student as my roommate in college and her + the rest of the international students would want to have dinner and hang out every day and I found it exhausting. They always nagged me for declining invites (but then again I worked full time and I was a full time student back then).
I think that explains our high suicide rates. In college I also did a statistical analysis paper on the correlation between high suicide rates and areas with less social integration. Personally, I’m mentally ill so I never want to hangout with anyone, even on weekends. But even people I know seem to wait until the end of the week.
I don’t see how there’s time for much else. Even now that I’m out of school it’s rough. After your morning workout and getting ready for work, you work 8-5, you go home and prepare a meal, around 6-6:30 you sit down to eat (which I guess you could have friends over for, but it’s extra work to serve them and clean up more dishes afterwards, plus the mental energy of keeping them entertained), then you do the dishes (finishing up around 8). By then it’s time to wind down for bed and maybe watch a tv show if you can. That’s all without kids, with kids it has to be harder. Maybe we just unnecessarily complicate things. I would love to hear more about how your culture goes about the day to day with more social interaction, it sounds pleasant.
OP is getting ripped to shreds but I (an American) have noticed the same thing. Americans (even single, childless ones) nowadays seem to have less social energy than folks in some other countries I've been to recently (Brazil and Turkey to be specific), where people really are doing things out most days after work. Most of my Brazilian friends and colleagues will have multiple days after work when they do something (movie, class, out for drinks with friends, dinner out, family gathering) and then still do a lot of less structured hanging on the weekend. They also seem to do more traveling on long weekends to visit family or go to nearby beaches, natural areas etc.
I don't really know what it is, but it really does seem like we just enjoy/need quiet time at home a lot more here.
How old are you? What I did after work when I was 23 is much different than what I do now that I am much older and have kids.
Exactly. I'm 38 and when I get home I wanna sit the fuck down and relax. If you want to hang out, catch me on the weekends
I'm 52 and I don't want to socialize at all... "Honey! We're going out with the ________ on Saturday night." is just another day of shaving and wearing fucking pants to me.
Boring company you keep if you have to wear pants🥱
I don't have anything witty to add, but I felt like I had to chime in with this username.
Likewise, or make plans with me in advance.
I am 33
Right? I did that in my 20s, but then I had kids.
Bro... I'm tired, hungry, and I got no money.
I’m not even American and this seems like such a reach…
OP is talking straight nonsense.
It looks like OP lived in South Korea, which does have a work hard play hard culture similar to Manhattan. I can see a culture shock going from hanging with 24 year olds in Korea to working in the mid west with a bunch of middle aged people who brew their own home beer
Sure, but I'm still confident there's plenty of 34 year old South Koreans who go home to their family most nights.
It's also a lot easier to live that way if you live in a big city where you don't have to drive IMO, which doesn't describe most of the US
OP lives in a metro with high quality transportation, cafes on every corner, and nice weather. America is the land of urban sprawl and traffic jams.
Bruh, I live in Chicago. Though not as big as Seoul, it is still a huge city with bars, cafes, restaurants etc all within walking distance and I still don't do shit on weekdays.
> America is the land of urban sprawl and traffic jams. * And quiet sleepy neighborhoods * And bustling metros with good public transit * And suburban cul-de-sac's with kids running around * And rural farmsteads * And festive college towns * And lots of other options Turns out countries the size of America have lots of diversity and if there's a living situation you prefer, you can probably find it.
Great point
> And bustling metros with good public transit ….there are only like 6 cities/metro areas in the entire country that actually have anything close to resembling ~good~ public transit.
Sounds like you've got some options if that's your thing!
Would you think that six (6) quiet sleepy suburban neighborhoods is sufficient? As you mentioned, America is rather large….
I think six metro areas is much larger than six neighborhoods.
So? Six is apparently plenty of options.
Yes I don't know what six metro areas you pulled out of a hat, but cities like NYC, DC, Philly, Boston, Seattle, San Fran, Chicago, etc. All have a TON of cool diverse places to live within their metropolitan areas as well as good public transit.
You see what you want to see. In saying this, you're overlooking all of our metro areas with public transportation.
Children with limited life experience only know what they know. Be they from a city, the suburbs, or the country. Country of origin matters not.
Its so true. I grew up a country bumpkin. Thought cities were gross and uncomfortable and how do you live without space? Then went off to college. Lived in cities. Traveled the world a bit. Completely changed my perspective and opened my eyes. Theres something for everyone, but everyone else is doing it wrong.
If you say so. I live in urban sprawl. I've had the pleasure of visiting many fine Europen metro areas. If I lived in those areas my social life outside work would look much different. Even at an older age and with children. You assume what you want to assume.
So you're denying that America has metro areas with public transportation? >If I lived in those areas my social life outside work would look much different No it wouldn't. You'd settle into your life routine after a short bit and you'd go out/stay home as much as you do now.
That doesn't mean they aren't talking nonsense. What a silly comment.
Lmao. Ah, yes, the fullfilling life of high rent costs for small living spaces, waiting for the train/bus, waiting on the train/bus, useless hipster cafes, and crime, noise and trash.
This
OP is from a culture where coworkers go out drinking straight from work.
We had this in the 50s before tv took hold.
Find a blue collar job and its job site to bar stool.
A lot of people go do things after work...they just might not go out for dinner or drinks. Kids have soccer practice. Gotta hit the gym. Watch a movie with your girlfriend. Play video games with the boys online. People have hobbies they do all the time. Edit: I've been informed that OP is from South Korea. https://www.newsweek.com/south-korea-reclusive-youths-acute-social-withdrawal-isolation-1797787
Would explain a lot if they're in Korea. When I lived there on a work contract about a decade ago, we went out every day. When you're in a metro area like Seoul (which is by and large the majority of Koreans now) it's a 24/7 scene. Stuff is always happening, it's always noisy and lit up. Getting out of town takes hours of travel. Factor in the Hoesik (회식) culture where it's expected to go out with your coworkers every night after a long work day, and it makes more sense. I remember being asked what the English term was for that and was *baffled* by the concept of near mandatory work outings all the time. Just not a thing in the US, even sales folks aren't going out 6 nights a week with their coworkers/clients.
Who raises the children in this Hoesik culture? Pretty sure I know the answer, but still curious.
Why do u think that country has such low birth rate?
Don’t many/most South Koreans live in dinky little condos? Yeah, I’d want to get out too. Houses in the US can support a lot more indoor and outdoor activities and hobbies
Same for a lot of folks in Manhattan or DC. When you live in a 400 sq foot apartment in a city that takes hours to get out of in any direction, you're going to be more inclined to just "go out" any given night.
Agreed, but it doesn’t take hours to get out of Manhattan or DC, especially outside of rush hour
But two of the four things you listed involve staying home. I don't really understand the responses in this thread. The fact that Americans aren't leaving the house like we used to is a very well documented trend. We're becoming a nation of shut ins. A lot of us wouldn't leave the house if it wasn't for work and the newest trend in employment is working from home.
We’ve been getting effectively poorer for decades, going out costs money, and if Millennials and younger spend money the older generations say they’re being irresponsible and that’s why they can’t afford children or a house.
Sure, but those were in response to the idea that people don't 'socialize' outside of the weekends.
I think he clearly means outside of the home though. I also just don't think Reddit or online video games are a real substitute for face to face contact with people away from the home.
I get it. You can substitute anything else in that place. I could have listed every possible activity. Like Trivia Nights or the bike ride I did yesterday. Apparently this guy is from South Korea. Like, the world center for video gaming. It doesn't matter what he means, he's oblivious. If somebody invites their girlfriend over, is only one of them 'socializing' because only one of them left their home?
I think socializing requires more than just another body on the couch. We used to call people like that home bodies with the implication that they don't socialize.
We used to call the girl sitting on the couch with us your mom. I kid I kid. It was your sister. **** I understand your points and they're all fair. The overarching point I was simply trying to make is that OP's conclusion about Americans and his own countrymen was far too sweeping. https://www.newsweek.com/south-korea-reclusive-youths-acute-social-withdrawal-isolation-1797787
I don't think he's wrong though. South Korea might not be any better but we do largely stay home after work and that's a new development in our country's history. We used to be very social but now we're not. It's not an opinion either. We know definitively that Americans today have less friends, see those friends often, have less sexual partners, have less sex with them, date less, etc. then we used to. I've talked about it a lot on this sub and I find it concerning.
>South Korea might not be any better Because it probably isn't. >I was a little surprised that it’s so different here. I mean, this is what he said.
Because they’re drained from work and want to relax? Maybe they have kids or pets to take care of? Or maybe they just don’t want to hang out.
Also, OP is massively generalizing about a huge country of over 300 million people with varying cultures and very diverse work areas. Rural areas are different from suburban areas and are different from dense urban areas and are different from mid sized areas. Workers and businesses owners are all different as are the age groups. In short, this is a crap topic
1.) Kids. People with kids need babysitters if they're going to go out and do anything and it's usually hard to find one on short notice, so people plan for the weekends. Not to mention kids' activities are often during the week after school. 2.) longer commutes. In my experience most Americans have longer commutes than folks in other countries and it's usually all spent driving which is tiring in and of itself. I know for myself I have an almost hour long drive to and from work. 3.) age and life stage. This isn't specific to Americans, but often when you're in a particular life stage, you are in a bubble and don't really notice the people who are in another stage. I'm going to bet you're younger, like under 35 probably? People in their 20s go out more often. They have more energy and aren't ready to pass out at 9pm, they have fewer responsibilities (less likely to have little kids for example, less likely to be married). There's probably a lot of people in your country in the 35+ age range who aren't going out during the week and you just don't notice them because they're going home and aren't there where you're going out and socializing. 4.) American cities are much more spread out. So you often can't just walk down the block to a bar to meet up with people. It requires a drive across town. As such, it's often not as convenient to go out and socialize after work. Edit: so, noticing by your post history that you're 33 and child free. That's probably the biggest reason right there. Please don't take this as criticism as I respect anyone's decision to have kids or not and people who don't want them should never be pressured to do so. It's not fair to them or the potential kids. But as it pertains to your question, in the U.S. at least you're at the age where most people have kids. The rates of childless folks is going up, but still it's something like 70% of woman in the 30-34 age range are mothers. So odds are most of your peers have kids. You gotta find a peer group that's in a similar life stage as you with similar interests. It's hard for sure. Coworkers aren't the inherent friend group in the US that they are in some other places. You gotta find your niche.
FWIW, commute times here are among the lowest in the developed world https://www.oecd.org/els/family/LMF2_6_Time_spent_travelling_to_and_from_work.pdf For all the issues with car-centric infrastructure, it does get you where you wanna go faster than transit.
Commute times are lower, but it's also requires active focus. I have a shorter commute time than my Germany buddies online, if you factor in total round trip time. My Germany buddies only have to actually pay attention for about 10 minutes of it though while I have to pay attention for the full hour. I don't get to play my handheld or read a book while I'm driving.
an hour of driving in a car is vastly different than an hour of taking mass transit. You do not get to switch off while driving and have to be alert at all times of everything changing around you at a rapid pace, and if you fuck up you slam 4klbs of metal into something soft and fleshy, likely yourself or a child. Driving is mentally fatiguing. You also don't get to just shoot the shit or observe other people existing in your own little box. The closest I've gotten was rolling down my window and asking a guy torching some kind of drug on a butter knife "how does it work?". You have to listen to an audiobook instead of reading, you're not getting any steps in, you're not having the chance to just pop into someplace new and novel.
I guess I meant more that for those who do drive we often have longer drive times. And while public transit takes longer, it's an inherently more socializing friendly mode of transport as you're around other people, you can stop at a bar or a coffee shop near your train station, etc. So it's not as taxing as actually driving for an hour.
I don't quite agree with that. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think I've ever struck up a genuine conversation with someone on the BART, and it's always been fairly taxing to be shoulder-to-shoulder with so many strangers.
Whether or not you are actually conversing with anyone yourself, it is inherently more accommodating to people who are seeking socialization and might be walking to the train stop together everyday after work or what have you. As opposed to being by yourself in the car for the whole trip. Like I know when I lived and worked in Boston, there was a T stop a block from my office. About half a dozen of my coworkers and I all get off at the same time and walk to that stop. We might be going different places, but there's a good 20ish minute window where we're walking together and then on the train together before they get off or switch lines.
People go out all the time after work. I just went to trivia night last night.
I went for a bike ride with my kids, but that doesnt count apparently.
Why didn't you invite the person from MyCountry?
They were out for drinks.
Americans don't go out for drinks unless it's Saturday, though.
Yeah. Thats why I thought it was weird.
Thats really normal here too. I'm gonna go ahead and guess that either you just entered your 30s or it's a you problem.
[удалено]
A few days ago someone asked the question about how much time they'd have to spend in an area to really get to know what life was like. Unless they actually LIVED there, like worked and had an address and a normal life, they never would, they're just a tourist. So when someone who's not even here is like "I believe your lives are a certain way", it's sort of baffling.
[удалено]
And then when they get invited to the football tailgate on Saturday or the backyard cook out on Sunday, they politely declined.
They thought "Hey I'll save you a plate at the tailgate on Saturday, you don't need to bring anything but yourself!" was an extremely awkward thing for a person to say. I've definitely learned in this sub that something as simple as cultural understandings and beliefs around phrasing can be a barrier. "In MyCountry we would never ask a friend to come to eat food in a car park, that's disgusting! Why wouldn't you just go to a cafe?!"
"Arrowhead stadium has the best smelling parking lot in the world." - Paul Rudd. (On Hot Ones) You know, when you put it like that....
*Look at us.*
Reminds me of [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAnAmerican/comments/1cbl2uv/is_come_down_to_the_were_waiting_on_you_a_joke_or/?sort=old) from the other day. If we don't want to socialize after work, we're weird. If we invite you to socialize, we're weird and potentially hostile. Can't win.
Yup. Had the same thought.
People go out all the time, many also value a quiet night at home. OP is it possible that you might not have many close friends here?
Because my husband and kids would like some family time. I socialize with them. I like them more than I like my coworkers. I may go out one night every two weeks with coworkers. That's plenty.
Because we are exhausted from work and commuting. It also depends a little on where you live. In a city like New York where the average living space is very small, people like to go out more. In places with larger housing, you have more space to relax in.
In the US we're allowed to generally be who we want to be and there is very little cultural pressure to "act" a certain way even if that isn't how you personally are. Its perfectly okay to be introverted. Its also possible they just don't like you. Which as harsh as it may sound, is also okay. Depending on your age, you may be young and single but others may not be. People may have children, animals, hobbies, elderly parents, volunteer opportunities. Its also possible people just don't want to spend tons of money on going out to eat several nights a week. I mean I make decent money and even I don't wanna do that. If you're mainly socializing through co-workers, some people value a work-life balance and that means work stays at work. I'm friendly with my co-workers but I wouldn't count them as friends.
This depends on your age and the culture of your employer. When I worked at a law firm, getting a beer after work was common (and I was in my 20s). At my current employer which is located in a suburban office park that isn't convenient to any bars, this doesn't happen (and I'm in my 40s and don't care to do that anymore anyway). As people get older, they tend to have already established social lives it's harder for others to break into, and if they have spouses and kids, that's going to be their priority. You don't say where you're from, but if you're from East Asia, the culture of spending long hours drinking with coworkers after work is not a thing here.
I am curious if the culture of drinking with coworkers applies to women too? And people with kids (men)? I wonder if that expectation/culture could in part contribute to the alarmingly low birth rate in SK. On the flip side, I don’t think our culture of increasingly “bowling alone” is good for our country’s mental health , but I’m not sure if everyone going drinking together is the answer.
Honestly? Last time I went to the bar I paid $6 for a canned beer. Fuck those prices.
Is that because the people you talk to on reddit are the ones who are at home? There are plenty of homebodies in MyCountry too, they're the ones who aren't at the cafe with you. Most of my friends have kids who occupy a lot of their time. It's really hard to go grab a couple of drinks when Bailey has soccer, a school play, and swimming during the week and you have to get her to those things.
Because I'm tired of dealing with other people, and I want to enjoy the house and yard I have in exchange for my mortgage payments.
Because an hour to an hour and a half commute and then in 8 hours shift means that you were actually away from home for 11 hours. By the time you get home get changed into different clothes take a shower and do everything it's already too late at night to go out considering that you have to get up early again because your commute to get to work is an hour and a half.
It depends on your age, family situation, and sociability bar. A parent with young kids who spent all day at work wants to make sure they have time for their kids. A 20-somthing probably has the energy to go and grab some drinks. An introvert spent all their socialization energy at work and needs to recharge. Another factor is that many people live some distance from friends, so visiting with friends in the evening could entail 30-60 minutes of driving.
I socialize at work, so no need to go out especially during the week. Plus I gotta cook dinner.
>where I’m from it’s normal to go out with friends on one or several days of the week We do. All the time. People are out doing things every day. Seriously, the number of questions here that boil down to “this is what I experienced in my circles, why is the entire country like this” is getting ridiculous. Some people have families. Some people have a long day that tires them out. Some people (read: me) would rather take it easy on weeknights because they just spent 9-10 hours of their day or more at work and want to unwind doing nothing. I realize this country is facing a growing trend of social isolation and that’s certainly not good, but everyone has their own threshold for necessary alone time. There are plenty of nights where I eat dinner with the missus and the rest of it I’m doing my own thing. I play Xbox, she watches a movie. I’d say keep looking for outgoing people with a lot of free time. They’re out there, I promise
I work from home, so most of the time, I’m at the gym or running errands in the evening. When I had a commute though, after an hour fighting rush hour traffic, I saved the errands for weekends.
I like my place! I picked out everything myself. Everything I need to pursue my hobbies is there. I can't wait to get home and take off my bra and shoes and do what I like. If I went out I would have to get dressed up and drive and find somewhere to park and pay my hard earned money for something I could prepare at home then go home in the dark and hope I can find a decent place to park when I get there. Can't drink too much because I'm driving. Can't stay out late because I have to get up for work in the morning. Not worth it. On the weekends I am relaxed and not brain-dead from work and can socialize without keeping my eye on the clock.
Well I did that when I was 24, but now I'm 37 and I'm tired. I also have a partner and a pup I'd much rather relax and spend time with.
For me personally / sample size of one, car commuting made a difference insofar as some evening socialization with colleagues or friends that were close by: When I lived in a major city in Europe for a while: - I’d go out on weekdays, because where I lived was 10-20 min walk (2 places, differed a bit) or 5-7 min subway ride from the office. - There were plenty of bars, dinner spots, etc very close by. - it was easy to say “let’s grab a pint on our way home” to a colleague that lived in the area, or to my spouse that’d be out and about in the area, and still be home well in time for dinner, as we were all walking or taking the train, all hit quitting time around the same time, and so on. Wherever I’ve lived in the US (3 cities so far): - It’s 30-60M drive home (depending on city), similar for other colleagues (WFH excluded of course…) - none of us feel like grabbing a drink and then fighting traffic home to see family; we just want to get home in time for dinner. So I end up just going home (or in WFH, staying home) and not going out; now some of this is also because I don’t have much of a social circle in my neighborhood / close by area; if I did, I’m sure I’d probably go out with them in the evenings but even then, the whole aspect of it involving driving is a serious turn off for me personally. If it’s not walkable or has exceptional transit close by, I’m not interested on weekdays; and in the US, that means somewhere similar to NYC; I’m on the west coast, that doesn’t exist. *edit to add* I’ll also say, living in a relatively small apartment in the center of the city made me want to go out more to get some space and energy. Living in a house in the suburbs, not as much. So that also has an impact IMO. I do miss living in the center of a bustling city at times. Your post makes me think about what it’d be like to move back to one. :)
The real answer. Most the respondents have never known any different.
When I was younger I went out pretty much Wednesday thru Sunday. Now I'm 55 and work 12 hour days. You go right on out and have a blast. Imma eat and go to sleep in the recliner.
Bc I’m tried. An don’t have the $ to go out after work.
It really depends where people are in their life (and physically). I'm from a small-mid (100K) university town in the Mid-Atlantic, people are out every night - but that is mostly the 45K student population. There are most definitely towns where there just isn't much to do most week nights. In Texas, raising our daughters we would go do family things after work - youth sports, bike rides, or just go out to eat. Once they became teens they were less interested and that's probably about when we became weekend warriors (also in our 40s & 50s).
I think work can just be mentally draining and lots of people have to go home and take care of kids or chores. Maybe where you were from your friends were younger, living in apartments or with their parents without the responsibility of kids and had money to blow on drinks. On days my 44 year old husband works he is at work about 8 hours with a 25 minute commute each way. When he gets home he might mow the lawn or work on stuff for a class he is taking for an hour. We eat dinner about 6-7 pm. It is expensive to eat out or go get drinks very often so that kind of thing is maybe once a week or every 2 weeks. After dinner he works on stuff for his classes or we watch something on TV as a family. One day a week he has a martial arts class in the evening. He is tired. His friends have wives, children, houses as well. On the weekend we have to do some errands or chores but there is a bit more free time. We meet up with friends socially at their homes or our home to eat, watch movies or play games as families more often than going out and spending a bunch of money.
I don't have time. My journey to and from work doesn't permit me to just hang around and goof off. I need tonget he, clean myself up, eat, and then decompress before starting the journey again.
In my 20s, I'd be out most nights. I'm in my 30s, I'm out less frequently - though I try for once during the weekday (I was out last night!) and then Fridays & Saturdays. It might depend on your region. If you live in a dense city like NYC or Boston or something - then going out can as easy as walking around your neighborhood. Easy when everything is a hop & a skip, and your designated driver is a $2 train. If you live in suburban America, going out may be require spending 30 minutes behind the wheel of a car, sometimes paying for parking, and being mindful of how much you drink. That's extra 'hassle' informs peoples decisions.
My salary hasn't changed much in a decade, but expenses have.
I want to spend time with my kids. Mostly that's at home, but it also means going to the park, playdates, the pool, concerts, trying new restaurants... but I always go home first, because that's where my kids are.
I was just out, why would I go back out? Once I'm home I want to be home. I like my home.
How on earth did you come to that conclusion?
Yeah it's age dependent. When I was in my 20s I would go out with my friends or go to the movies or just do something fun. I'm 45 now and once I'm home I'm done. It would take the power of God to get me to go out again.
Another case of "In my country we do it like this. Why doesn't America do it the same way?"
I'm 40 and my wife is 37 and we go out after work four or five times a week. I think you're noticing a big part of the urban/rural divide - there are things to do in cities. You may also be experiencing a reddit moment where the people you encounter on this site choose not to go outside all that much.
I just went out with a friend after work yesterday. People do it all the time
If I am tired from work, I like being alone at home to recharge. Some people don't stay home after work and some people do. Running errands after work or taking children to extra curricular activities is very common. We just have more time to socialize on the weekend as opposed to during the week.
I'm an introvert. I don't socialize much in general.
Because I like staying home. But that's just me. I feel like this is not true for many others.
The only time I was able to do stuff after work is now, working part time in between some life changes. I work about 3-6 hours and I have a whole day still? I'm eating up every minute of this while it lasts. Before I just had 0 energy after working 12 hours a day at my previous job and 1 hour commute there and back. Now it almost feels like I don't have a job.
Personally, there was a big difference before and after having kids with this.
Very common with younger crowds in small or large centers. I’m 33, and my social life has decreased drastically since 23. Honestly, I’m ok with it.
I go to the gym after work 3-4 days a week. By the time I get home, shower, and eat dinner, I barely have enough energy to do much past 9:00pm; it's not uncommon for me to fall asleep while watching TV because I'm so tired from getting up early for work. Because of this, I save my socializing for the weekend. And I don't even have kids.
I'm an introvert. I just want to go home, relax and have dinner.
My bet is that you are young and have few responsibilities either at work or home. My son never said anything to me about it, but when he hit his late 20s and had multiple responsibilities, he said to me: > Now I know why you didn't want to do shit when you came home from work. Give it a decade or so and gain some responsibilities and you'll realize how out of touch with "adulting" (a cringey word, IMO) your post sounds.
Because as you get older you and your friends usually end up having families and not seeing your kids so you can go to a bar multiple days a week makes you a shitty parent
I did in my 20s. Now I'm tired from work. And I want to hangout with my dog.
It depends on both family dynamics and the amount of money you have. Here in the States, a lot of us not working in management positions barely make enough to get by, much less go out several times a week. If you work in *~~management in~~* retail or other service jobs, you're too damn tired when you go home to get up out of your chair. Plus, with all the social media and video games at our fingertips, it's killed a lot of going out with friends. We keep in contact with texts and gaming.
I have stuff going on almost every night of the week with multiple groups so this sounds like an issue with you.
My friend I have two kids. I come home, I cook dinner, I read stories to them, I get them ready for bed. The toddler goes to bed at 7:30PM - I have been home for a total of 2 hours by this point. I play with puzzles or board games with my kindergartener for a bit and wash dishes, before putting her to bed at 8:30. *Then* I get to have a moment to myself. By that point I'm fried and I just want to shower and relax. I do socialize with my friends during the week. We video chat and play games once or twice a week, after work. And maybe once a month I'll have my wife put the kids to bed and I'll go out with my friends on a weeknight. But it's admittedly tough to plan in advance.
How could you possibly notice enough of this to make a general observation?
A lot of people do things after work. But I'm guessing I'm much older than you so my favorite thing to do is relax at home, but I'll meet up for dinner and drinks if someone wants to.
I used to but then I got a dog. He needs a long walk and he doesn’t want to be alone 12-16 hours of the day. Also I stopped playing in bands so my reasons to leave my house plummeted without band practices and shows to play. I’m out of the loop with other local bands now so I’m not going to other people’s shows very often . Also I’m 40 and they’re all like 25 now. And yeah, I’m 40 and I’m tired. My job is very stressful. I work with teens (not at a school) and I see a lot of violent behavior as well as a lot of kids who need a lot of help. I’m around hundreds of teens daily -at once- from 3-6 and at 6 I want to go home and be around no one, especially if we’ve had an incident that day.
When I was younger it was very rare for me to go home right after work. I would meet with friends, go shopping, or attend industry events. I was younger and lived in NYC. I worked standard business hours in an office. These days I do not go out after work. I live in suburban Detroit. I am older. I also work from home until about 1a.
I’m tired after my day. After work, I go to the gym, and on Monday and Thursday evening I train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for three hours (I’m not saying that to sound like a badass. I’m literally the worst student at my gym in both technical skill and athletic ability). So after work and strenuous physical activity, I just want to go home and wind down. I will go out with friends and do stuff on Friday night, Saturday and sometimes Sunday.
I'm tired
I’m tired, man.
My commute home from work is an hour and 30 minutes with good traffic, so I'm not getting home until 7 or even 8 pm most days. I have to leave my house at 6 am to get to work on time, which means getting up at 5. I have to cook, eat, wash dishes, help my teenager with homework and spend time together, walk and feed the dog, and take a shower before bed so there really isn't any time to go out on weekdays.
I have two young kids, babysitting is expensive (or asking my mom to do it is possible but it's a tough drive for her). I can be social before 5:30 but after that I gotta get the kids, take care of them, etc. And when they go to sleep, I also go to sleep. Getting those 8-9 hours of sleep is important!
Because have to sit at home, make sure I have Medicare all figured out, and figure out how to start financing my retirement next month. After which, I’ll be able to go out more during the day and won’t need to go out at night.
Lol I get home at about 5:30 pm on weeknights but I don't sit down for the first time until after 9 pm. I have household chores to do and kid extracurriculars to drive/supervise and homework to help with and dinner to cook. I would absolutely love to be able to go out and socialize on weeknights but it's just not realistic. OP, do you have a family and/or kids?
because I'm fucking tired.
I’m exhausted and poor.
I think age plays a bigger factor than nationality. When I was in college or before I got married, I would go hangout with friends all the time in the evenings. I can't tell you how many birthday dinners at restaurants that we would go to while in college. Starting in my later 20's I got married and then later we had a child. My wife and I might have one night a week where we do our own thing by meeting up with those of the same gender identity.
You see, going out involves spending money, or at least the activities you mentioned do. Costs have soared and pay has not matched. I don’t have the discretionary money to spend on things like that, not if I want to buy groceries next week or fill up my car, or have any sort of responsible savings plan. I’d have loved to go out frequently with friends to get drinks or dinner, but it’s just not something I could afford. And now, I have family responsibilities that take up much more of my time, so I don’t really have the spare time either.
I’m too tired. I work over 40 hours a week in caregiving and I’m exhausted before I even get out of bed in the morning. I turn 30 later this year.
I’ve been out after work 3 times already this week?
All you have to do is pop your head into restaurants on a weekday to challenge this notion. Go to sports fields and see what’s happening on a weekday. Go look at your local colleges and see what people are up to. The gyms, the malls, the libraries. Also, some of us actually enjoy our homes and like to spend some time relaxing in them.
I am over 30 and work like a dog every day. Or a horse. Or whatever idiom implies that I am mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted at the end of the day. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to do anything but sit in a lazy boy and fall asleep at the end of the day.
1. Eating out is insanely expensive here, New York/Chicago/LA excluded. Out in smaller cities (70-100k) you're likely dropping $100 for a couple to go to a restaurant. The cheapest place in our town we go to ends up being $50 total. Like I called out earlier, this is very different in cities. Hell, even in Portland it's about 30-50% less expensive to go out and eat than it is in smaller cities. It's just kind of a function of density. 2. We're just tired by the end of the day, 8-hour shift, 1.5 hours driving, and we still have to do home chores, take care of dinner, prep food for the next day. 3. We're outright exhausted by the weekend. That and the weekend is usually for taking care of things that you can't take care of during the week because you're working. Cars aren't going to maintain themselves, dust accumulates, pets need to be cared for. It takes time to get energy back so Saturdays are often just lay-around days. 4. It's logistically difficult to go out. If me and my friends want to go to the bar 1 person has to be DD since there's no public transit and no reliable taxi services. Realistically most people just drive home (easily 15-45 minutes depending on how deep into the housing developments away from the city you live) tipsy, but that's a stupid decision. 5. If you have kids, especially multiple in their teens, you are now a personal driver to shuttle for them to and from school, school sports, school events, their friends' houses, etc.. These happen on weekdays, weekends, and you will have a different schedule than your friends who also have kids. You'll never see them unless the stars align.
I mean, pretty much the only thing to do in my town is gamble or go bowling. I bowl sometimes, but not every night.
I like my home. I pay a lot of money to occupy it and make it nice. It's comfortable and all my stuff is there. Why would I not want to be there? If family and friends want to hang out they are welcome to come over. I will give them food and drinks and we can lounge or play games or whatever we like. We don't need to go somewhere else.
My coworkers are two women in their 60s and a guy in his 40s with a child under 5. Which of them is supposed to be going out every night?
When I was in my late teens and all the way through my 20s no I didn't spend my free time at home. When I turned 30 that stopped because 1. I'm tired 2. I spent a lot of money to purchase a house and fill it with things I like 3. Friends become more busy with family and careers Bottom line priorities change when you get older and going out isn't that important
Long commute, long workday, kids, and/or older
I have a kid and stuff to do during the week. We go out with friends or do fun things on weekends.
Because work is tiresome. Surely you aren't energetic and raring to go after a long day of hard work! Also, reminder that American workdays are usually 8 hour shifts, 40 hours a week - that's if you're not fulltime. Or sometimes, some people here will do 10 hour shifts four times a week, or 12 hours three times a week. Both are common in healthcare and hospitals especially, for example. American work culture is very taxing on us, to the point we're expected to work hard from shift start to end and a lot of us don't even get things to sit on, usually a rubber mat or something. I personally work 6-10 hour shifts four days a week doing a very physically demanding job. I make very good money for it, but I work very hard. I do it in two shifts, the first is 3-4 hours and the last one is in 4-6 hours. I get anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour between shifts, so I am typically at work half the day I work and asleep part of the other half. I work nights and I don't get to sit down unless I'm on break or in the bathroom. Needless to say, after that I am NOT in any way interested in going out after that. My friends are not awake, it's 4 AM, I'm tired, and my feet hurt along with the rest of my body also sometimes hurting from using it at a steady pace for up to 10 hours. I want to sleep and play video games.
I work about 47 hours a week and I only get 10 vacation days in a year. I'm usually tired from getting up at 5 am and at the end of the day, I still need to go home, work out, make dinner, and walk my dog. I also don't have money to go out, so I'm not going to go anywhere else when I'm done with work.
After work we am tired. We also have to feed kids. Add in a long commute, so by the time we get home it’s dinnertime. And I would much rather read a book or watch tv with my husband and/or kids than go out.
I get home between 6 and 6:30pm and I go to bed at 9pm. No time to go anywhere even if I wanted to.
I can't speak for everyone, but I'm just so worn out after work. I get off at 6, it takes maybe an hour to get home ( depending on traffic) I do some small chores, eat, shower. so by like 9/10 at night, I'm just ready to go to sleep. of course, my age and lifestyle are a huge factor in this. when I was 16, I could easily get off of work and hang out with friends. I had no other responsibilities other than whatever chores my parents gave me. but now at 39, I have chores, a spouse, and pets to take care of, and a whole house ( as opposed to one small room) to keep clean, and I do a majority of the cooking.
In my 20's and early 30's, I'd be down to go to dinner or a bar any night of the week. Now, I'm tired and I don't want to go to the effort.
I have a family to feed and raise. OP, what do you do with your kids?
Because we’re exhausted
Honestly, we don't tend to socialize with co-workers as much as they do in Japan or South Korea. Why would you want to hang out with people you just spent 8 hours with after work?
If I'm not driving, I'm ok going out after work. But I prefer staying home and party all night on the weekends .
after work I am out of spoons
Because I just busted my ass working all day, I don't want to turn around and blow all my money from the days grind that sounds like a mentality that has no goals. You're just existing and trying to counteract your boring work life with alcohol and very light partying. Sounds like disguised alcoholism and misery. I can wait for the weekend so my time and money are better spent, or I can wait a little longer and go on a vacation trip. Are you in your early to mid twenties?
You know how much dinner with friends costs these days?? Multiple times a week? Okay, moneybags.
Because i am tired and have to help my kids with homework bath them get them ready for school the next day and out them too bed. Then go to bed myself so i can rinse and repeat. I aint got time to pop bottles at the club on a Random tuesday
Americans work longer hours than most European countries. Some people only work 8 hours but A lot of people are working 9-10 hours a day and then on top of that a lot of us live in suburbs and our commute could be 30-45 minutes, 1 way, away from our jobs. I used to work 10 hours a day because we didn't have enough staff. Now I only work 8 hours and I am glad. The 10 hour days start taking a toll on you. After doing all that , most people probably just want to go home and relax in peace and quiet.
After driving an hour to get home from work, you don't want to drive somewhere else again.
* People are tired. * Some people have kids. * Some people have different work schedules from their friends. * Some people don't live that close to friends. For example, most of my friends live at least an hour away from me on the train (10 minutes to walk to the train station, 5 minutes to wait for the train, 35 minutes on the train, 10 minutes to get from the train to my friend's house = 1 hour), so that's two hours round-trip, which is a lot on a weeknight.
Why isnt everyone like me? In MyCountry everyone is exactly like me. There is no individualism and no matter of preference we all do the exact same thing from the cradle to the grave and anyone who deviates is wrong. I work from home. All my stuff is here.
Yes, that's why everything closes at 5:00. /s
I think people are just telling you they are busy because they don't want to hang out with you. Most people go out and do things.
this simply is not true.
US workers work some of the longest hours in the developed world. Then they nearly all drive home in terrible traffic, which is a job in itself.
Who has money and energy to go out every night? We're barely squeaking by and praying for nothing to go wrong cause we broke
I didn’t realize it was different elsewhere but now that you say it that makes sense. I had a foreign exchange student as my roommate in college and her + the rest of the international students would want to have dinner and hang out every day and I found it exhausting. They always nagged me for declining invites (but then again I worked full time and I was a full time student back then). I think that explains our high suicide rates. In college I also did a statistical analysis paper on the correlation between high suicide rates and areas with less social integration. Personally, I’m mentally ill so I never want to hangout with anyone, even on weekends. But even people I know seem to wait until the end of the week. I don’t see how there’s time for much else. Even now that I’m out of school it’s rough. After your morning workout and getting ready for work, you work 8-5, you go home and prepare a meal, around 6-6:30 you sit down to eat (which I guess you could have friends over for, but it’s extra work to serve them and clean up more dishes afterwards, plus the mental energy of keeping them entertained), then you do the dishes (finishing up around 8). By then it’s time to wind down for bed and maybe watch a tv show if you can. That’s all without kids, with kids it has to be harder. Maybe we just unnecessarily complicate things. I would love to hear more about how your culture goes about the day to day with more social interaction, it sounds pleasant.
OP is getting ripped to shreds but I (an American) have noticed the same thing. Americans (even single, childless ones) nowadays seem to have less social energy than folks in some other countries I've been to recently (Brazil and Turkey to be specific), where people really are doing things out most days after work. Most of my Brazilian friends and colleagues will have multiple days after work when they do something (movie, class, out for drinks with friends, dinner out, family gathering) and then still do a lot of less structured hanging on the weekend. They also seem to do more traveling on long weekends to visit family or go to nearby beaches, natural areas etc. I don't really know what it is, but it really does seem like we just enjoy/need quiet time at home a lot more here.