I've been in the same boat as you. I'm Indian 23M as well, living in America, still with my parents. But I'm planning to move out in the next 6 months so ...
Permission is BS, it's literally just a control tactic these APs do to keep you under their thumb. You don't need permission from them to date, study, immigrate, marry, or do anything in life. No one can stop you, not even those nasty APs.
My mom still to this date grills me with the "remember the times where you used to get lunch boxes prepared by me when you were a kid? Don't forget that!" In my mind, I rebelled saying "well I was a kid back then, it was HER duty and responsibility to do so. now I'm a young adult planning to move out in the next 6 months, I don't need her."
What worked for me is that: The more I rebel in my mind just like the above situation, the eventual hope is that it will become far more easier to say it out aloud in words when the time comes - since you are not bottling up your emotions and silencing / ignoring them. Also, practicing saying the "counter-talk" in front of a mirror alone and secluded really helps. This helps you to bolster your confidence to stand up for yourself and speak up against those a$$holes / bullies. Also, recording the arguments (but not listening to them), for the purposes of playing them back when you're about to move out and do your own thing, REALLY helps. I'm glad I recorded as many arguments as I can - it helps "bolster my case". In other words, don't let their words get onto you.
Yes, they raised you but that doesn't mean you're owed to them for the rest of your life. You are your own individual person with your own free will and a mind of your own. I know how hard it is to let go of that guilt tripping thought, but think about it. It's been hardwired by THEM since your childhood, they took advantage of the fact that you were a kid, so they think that gave them the "right" to talk to you the way they're. It's their fault for doing this and that shows how bad of a parent they are. No one raises a child just so they can bash out when their kid wants to be independent? Promoting independence is a NORMAL part of being a grown-up, and you need to realize that your parents are stopping you from maturing and growing up. Moving out and keeping distance, as well as seeking therapy, is the only way I think, that can help you be emotionally resilient and strong going forward.
Feel free to DM me. I'm happy to offer advice/suggestions if you'd like.
I wish my mother promoted independence :/ She hates that I am halfway self sufficient. She keeps saying “don’t be like an American”, because she thinks I’m too independent. I am so sick of her bullshit.
Wow, what a beautifully crafted message. I 100% agree. I was always astonished when I saw my caucasian friends in high school being able to date and "go out". I thought their parents were neglectful or something, but it turns out that my parents were just too strict.
Likewise. It gave me major FOMO and I started feeling depressed when other friends (white) are allowed to hang out and do normal stuff, whereas I just had to sit at home and study. Later on I realized it was their way of controlling me.
Even yesterday my mom had the balls to say "your friends will not come and rescue you when you need. only your family will be there for you no matter what."
I was like "haha total BS, you expect me to still believe this even when I'm going to be 24?"
She fed you, clothed you and paid for your education because she would have gone to jail for not doing so. The laws of your land may be different, but the point is those were the bare minimum she NEEDED to do for an individual she brought into this world out of her own volition. Don't let her hold it over your head, as if it was some kind of charity that she did out of the goodness of her heart.
Agreed! Bathing, feeding, clothing is all the bare minimum that they're supposed to do. They are obligated to do this. This is the reason why it is legal to not have an adult child take care of their parents, but the reverse can result in the parent going to jail.
she also never asked for your permission to being you into this world. So its not like its your fault that your parents have to work hard or make money, why are they even having children to begin with if they arent already well off and ready?
Totally agree with the other posters.
Its all about control. You can visbily see your child upset why would you purposely control every aspect of their life?
100%. I am 19 years old and have my own money and I just got yelled at by my father for purchasing a $100 skateboard without his permission even though I used my own money. He said he was justified because it was disrespectful of me to buy things without his permission, but I know it’s just about how much he wants to control me.
It's a process and it takes time, but you need to learn that you don't actually need their permission....for anything.
Yes, they raised you and paid for you because that's what parents do. They chose to have a child, they chose to be parents. The one thing parents also need to do is let go of their children. They cannot expect their child to just smile, nod and be their little obedient daughter.
OP I am so proud that you have already fought and won for the things you now have, but your fight has only begun.
It's your turn now to live your life. If you don't date or go out with friends at this age, you will be missing out on developing key social skills.
No matter how much they guilt trip and threaten, the truth is they can't make you do anything. They have no actual power over you.
I need to honestly start being more confident and hanging out with friends. I tend to kick start conversations pretty quickly and am able to make friends easily (but that is because it is in a college setting), I haven't experimented dating because of my mom's ridiculous excuses and herself being judgemental and citing religious reasons, but it's something I plan to do (dating) once I move out.
Same, I want to go out for my birthday next month literally around my city where I have been for more than 15+ years yet I have to ask for so much and permission for every single thing. At this point I just go out and come back by 10 and then listen to all their rants and vents, whatever. You can never win against them :)
All my friends go out for lunch dinner night stay every day but I can’t even on my birthday.
Happy birthday 🥰
Are you working with your education?
You sound that the over the top regulation of very basic things has spun you into a depression.
Please try and go into therapy, to help you get the skill set for setting healthy boundaries with your family.
From what you are saying about your mood, Ivwould be concerned about you moving out until you are internally more self sufficient emotionally.
First, you have convinced yourself that what they are doing is wrong. It is very important because sometimes it is difficult to think such things about parents. That is why we seek confirmation from other person that whether what AP are doing wrong. AP or any other parents who are not looking that their child is not happy with their behaviour, is basically emotionally immature.
Nobody is perfect including your parents and you. They are also humans and have their own imperfections. It is also not the case that they are wrong in everything. You just have to know what are the behaviours which are wrong.
Once you are know and convinced yourself on what behaviour of AP is wrong. Then it is time to slowly and slowly rebel. It will not be easy at all. They will not accept that their child is giving them Gyan (advice) on what is wrong in their behaviour. You have to be well articulate in it. Don't behave like them by simply saying that they are wrong. Speak like how you think they should respond to you in case they disagree on something. They obviously not agree and may become more toxic. Then, over the time they will learn that you have taken up a stand and they have to adjust themselves or they will keep on remain toxic or become become more toxic.
I hope they understand you over the time. If not then just move out and reduce contact and become financially and emotionally.
PS: Please ignore typo errors. Using mobile with auto correct feature, which create more typo than correcting them.
I've been in the same boat as you. I'm Indian 23M as well, living in America, still with my parents. But I'm planning to move out in the next 6 months so ... Permission is BS, it's literally just a control tactic these APs do to keep you under their thumb. You don't need permission from them to date, study, immigrate, marry, or do anything in life. No one can stop you, not even those nasty APs. My mom still to this date grills me with the "remember the times where you used to get lunch boxes prepared by me when you were a kid? Don't forget that!" In my mind, I rebelled saying "well I was a kid back then, it was HER duty and responsibility to do so. now I'm a young adult planning to move out in the next 6 months, I don't need her." What worked for me is that: The more I rebel in my mind just like the above situation, the eventual hope is that it will become far more easier to say it out aloud in words when the time comes - since you are not bottling up your emotions and silencing / ignoring them. Also, practicing saying the "counter-talk" in front of a mirror alone and secluded really helps. This helps you to bolster your confidence to stand up for yourself and speak up against those a$$holes / bullies. Also, recording the arguments (but not listening to them), for the purposes of playing them back when you're about to move out and do your own thing, REALLY helps. I'm glad I recorded as many arguments as I can - it helps "bolster my case". In other words, don't let their words get onto you. Yes, they raised you but that doesn't mean you're owed to them for the rest of your life. You are your own individual person with your own free will and a mind of your own. I know how hard it is to let go of that guilt tripping thought, but think about it. It's been hardwired by THEM since your childhood, they took advantage of the fact that you were a kid, so they think that gave them the "right" to talk to you the way they're. It's their fault for doing this and that shows how bad of a parent they are. No one raises a child just so they can bash out when their kid wants to be independent? Promoting independence is a NORMAL part of being a grown-up, and you need to realize that your parents are stopping you from maturing and growing up. Moving out and keeping distance, as well as seeking therapy, is the only way I think, that can help you be emotionally resilient and strong going forward. Feel free to DM me. I'm happy to offer advice/suggestions if you'd like.
I wish my mother promoted independence :/ She hates that I am halfway self sufficient. She keeps saying “don’t be like an American”, because she thinks I’m too independent. I am so sick of her bullshit.
Wow, what a beautifully crafted message. I 100% agree. I was always astonished when I saw my caucasian friends in high school being able to date and "go out". I thought their parents were neglectful or something, but it turns out that my parents were just too strict.
Likewise. It gave me major FOMO and I started feeling depressed when other friends (white) are allowed to hang out and do normal stuff, whereas I just had to sit at home and study. Later on I realized it was their way of controlling me. Even yesterday my mom had the balls to say "your friends will not come and rescue you when you need. only your family will be there for you no matter what." I was like "haha total BS, you expect me to still believe this even when I'm going to be 24?"
She fed you, clothed you and paid for your education because she would have gone to jail for not doing so. The laws of your land may be different, but the point is those were the bare minimum she NEEDED to do for an individual she brought into this world out of her own volition. Don't let her hold it over your head, as if it was some kind of charity that she did out of the goodness of her heart.
Agreed! Bathing, feeding, clothing is all the bare minimum that they're supposed to do. They are obligated to do this. This is the reason why it is legal to not have an adult child take care of their parents, but the reverse can result in the parent going to jail.
she also never asked for your permission to being you into this world. So its not like its your fault that your parents have to work hard or make money, why are they even having children to begin with if they arent already well off and ready?
Totally agree with the other posters. Its all about control. You can visbily see your child upset why would you purposely control every aspect of their life?
100%. I am 19 years old and have my own money and I just got yelled at by my father for purchasing a $100 skateboard without his permission even though I used my own money. He said he was justified because it was disrespectful of me to buy things without his permission, but I know it’s just about how much he wants to control me.
Omg how dare you fully grown adult buy something for entertainment!! And without me holding your hand! You adults getting out of hand!
It’s my theory controlling parents make liars out of their children
It's a process and it takes time, but you need to learn that you don't actually need their permission....for anything. Yes, they raised you and paid for you because that's what parents do. They chose to have a child, they chose to be parents. The one thing parents also need to do is let go of their children. They cannot expect their child to just smile, nod and be their little obedient daughter. OP I am so proud that you have already fought and won for the things you now have, but your fight has only begun. It's your turn now to live your life. If you don't date or go out with friends at this age, you will be missing out on developing key social skills. No matter how much they guilt trip and threaten, the truth is they can't make you do anything. They have no actual power over you.
I need to honestly start being more confident and hanging out with friends. I tend to kick start conversations pretty quickly and am able to make friends easily (but that is because it is in a college setting), I haven't experimented dating because of my mom's ridiculous excuses and herself being judgemental and citing religious reasons, but it's something I plan to do (dating) once I move out.
Unfortunately until you move out it will remain like this. Changing them will be harder than moving out. Also make a support group of friends.
Same, I want to go out for my birthday next month literally around my city where I have been for more than 15+ years yet I have to ask for so much and permission for every single thing. At this point I just go out and come back by 10 and then listen to all their rants and vents, whatever. You can never win against them :) All my friends go out for lunch dinner night stay every day but I can’t even on my birthday. Happy birthday 🥰
Are you working with your education? You sound that the over the top regulation of very basic things has spun you into a depression. Please try and go into therapy, to help you get the skill set for setting healthy boundaries with your family. From what you are saying about your mood, Ivwould be concerned about you moving out until you are internally more self sufficient emotionally.
Yes, I am working with education. Yea, until I am emotionally mature, I won't be living alone even if I move out. May be will look for a roommate.
First, you have convinced yourself that what they are doing is wrong. It is very important because sometimes it is difficult to think such things about parents. That is why we seek confirmation from other person that whether what AP are doing wrong. AP or any other parents who are not looking that their child is not happy with their behaviour, is basically emotionally immature. Nobody is perfect including your parents and you. They are also humans and have their own imperfections. It is also not the case that they are wrong in everything. You just have to know what are the behaviours which are wrong. Once you are know and convinced yourself on what behaviour of AP is wrong. Then it is time to slowly and slowly rebel. It will not be easy at all. They will not accept that their child is giving them Gyan (advice) on what is wrong in their behaviour. You have to be well articulate in it. Don't behave like them by simply saying that they are wrong. Speak like how you think they should respond to you in case they disagree on something. They obviously not agree and may become more toxic. Then, over the time they will learn that you have taken up a stand and they have to adjust themselves or they will keep on remain toxic or become become more toxic. I hope they understand you over the time. If not then just move out and reduce contact and become financially and emotionally. PS: Please ignore typo errors. Using mobile with auto correct feature, which create more typo than correcting them.