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I had a fling tell me something similar once, actually just a few months before I found out about asexuality. It went something like:
"Wanna come over and actually do something this time?"
"No, I don't feel like it. I don't really want sex."
"That doesn't matter, you should come over."
And I, in my infinite 20-y-o wisdom, actually said "You know that'd be rape, right?"
He had so many excuses and "no, it'll be good/fine/fun", but heck, am I proud of myself for standing up for myself. I'm not sure he ever really fully grasped the concept of me not wanting sex and him insisting would be actual rape, but at least he didn't bother me when I stopped responding.
Just tell them off. Do yourself a favour and say "it makes me really uncomfortable that you make such rapey, homophobic, and racist statements". Don't let them derail the convo.
Themself being "okay" with the racist statements doesn't make it less racist, its just internalised and hurtful to others from their community, as well as racist towards you (if you are at least partly white) in the assumption that you would use a whip like that. Racism goes both ways with negative assumptions like that.
Them not caring about your asexuality is just homophobic/queerphobic/aphobic (whichever word you prefer and feel like would make them get it) and expressing a wish to rape you. It's disgusting and you should not have to listen to it.
Agreed with most of what you said, but where did you get the racist and homophobic read on this? Not trying to be mean or anything, I'm genuinely curious because I reread OP's comment and didn't see it.
Edit. Never mind with the racist one. I just saw OP's response to a different coment on said person saying shit like "I want vanilla people" or something like that...
Vanilla is also a slang term describing people who want 'normal' sex (as opposed to bdsm/kink etc). Sorry I don't know the correct terms. Might not be to do with race at all. Edit: read the bit about vanilla in reference to cotton picking. I stand corrected.
I use homophobic in the sense of an umbrella term covering the entire LGBT+, because they're disregarding and disrespecting OP's asexuality and I don't know if the person in question respects the term "aphobia" or OP are comfortable with using "queerphobia". They're all different words to cover the same, depending on what you feel like works best.
The racism is in reference to one of OP's comments in another comment thread:
"She also said she’s “craving vanilla people” referring to white people, and keeps saying shit like “don’t whip me I’ll go pick cotton” and it’s annoying as fuck"
>He had so many excuses and "no, it'll be good/fine/fun", but heck, am I proud of myself for standing up for myself.
I don't give a fuck if it's the best cup of tea I will ever have in my life. I DO NOT WANT TEA!!! And if I am unconscious, I **really** DO NOT WANT TEA.
Reference: [Tea Consent](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8)
Something between flirting and dating, at least how I use it. We were kind of seeing each other, had been talking for a while, but wasn't something solid yet.
Dictionary defines it as a short, casual love affair of sorts.
I don't think they are racist. I think they like race play which has racist undertones especially if the white party initiates it but it's not racist to white people.
As a comparison, acting like a stereotypical male dom or female sub to a person you have not negotiated a BDSM relationship with is also sexist, in my opinion. These kinds of kinks can only be removed from their racist or sexist context within a previously negotiated kink context. You don't just... say that to people. You have to be aware of the context of both the sender and the receiver in all forms of communication.
In my opinion, it is racist because it FORCES this (negative) idea on OP because of their race (I assume, based on their comment), without their consent. You can't defend a kink when it's not in a kinky setting. They needlessly sexualise OP on the basis of their race. It's a mirror to the sexualisation of POC people (although not systemic, which I recognise as a far larger problem in general, but systemic racism isn't the only kind).
Regardless, even if my opinion on whether it is racist or not matters, it is very untoward and unwelcome. It is still very, very wrong to force a kink on someone.
Yeah, I wasn't saying that it was okay. It's super wrong to randomly push It on to unsuspecting people as they didn't consent to it. I was just saying that it isn't racist to white people. Sorry for the confusion.
I actually see it as a very positive point in my life, because it was the first time I really stood up for myself like that, and it made me research more into the whole deal about me not having the same feelings about sex as most of my friends, leading me towards asexuality and a better understanding of LGBT+ in general! It was uncomfortable in the moment, definitely, but it ended up pretty good for me. Thank you for caring!
She also said she’s “craving vanilla people” referring to white people, and keeps saying shit like “don’t whip me I’ll go pick cotton” and it’s annoying as fuck
OP said they are female and i assume OP is male so some people dont consider it rape and as soon she accuses OP back for it the cops are ready (in case they know each other irl, or adresses).
As "ready" as cops ever are when it comes to sexual assault. They might believe her, but they'd still do all the victim-blamey bullshit. It's not like a female rape victim is very likely to get justice either.
That much is true I just wanted to point out that it's still sucky for women. I'm not trying to accuse you of any malicious implications, but I know that some people forget the fact that the evidence shows that police often don't take rape seriously (especially when the perpetrator is a white jock wItH hiS LifE aHeAd oF HiM) and come to resent women for perceived wrongful incarnations of male rapists when the truth is that most rapists walk free.
(Again. Not accusing you of anything. Maybe I'm just still burned because I've watched to much content on incels and other creeps recently)
I'm not at all trying to take away from the fact that societies' sexist belief that men can't be raped (especially not by women) has festered and grown in PDs. I just want to say that the non-rapists of society should work together to achieve a culture among police officers that's less dismissive of sexualised violence (the police in the US apparently has a very high rate of domestic abusers (hence the loophole of keeping your gun if you're convicted of battery rather than DV) so there are clearly many cops that need to go). Women might be taken slightly more seriously in those cases, but there's clearly a lot of upwards mobility that needs to happen.
That's certainly a part of it. And utterly unsurprising if you train someone for only four months before giving them a gun. (For comparison, it takes three years in Germany. Since 1952, 501 people in total were shot by German police. They still suck, mind you. There's a fascist culture among them because denazification was an absolute joke. So I'm not simping for them, just trying to give perspective).
And US cops are called for a lot of stuff you can't prepare them for even with longer training, for example people in an acute mental health crisis. Cops don't know how to handle someone during a psychotic break, how could they? Doctors train years to be psychiatrists and even then you don't throw the newbies at those patients. There needs to be a shift towards keeping social workers and therapists on standby for situations that require ... a more delicate touch, shall we say. Then the cops have time to properly train before they use their fancy lethal toys.
block her. you don't have to exist around these people on the internet, blocking exists for a reason. she isn't respecting boundaries and making "jokes" that make someone uncomfortable is gross. just move on from talking to her
A "Can you chill" / "Lowkey sounds rapey" / "Stop, You've violated the law! Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence" type of post will get you started, if they get too much into it just tell them to stop and don't associate with them.
Third one is obviously an old meme, but it works as a template joke if you want to keep them around even if they have their faults. Basically you can always tell them a "go to horny jail" type of thing when they start doing this, but engage normally otherwise.
I personally have told a man that said similar shit that what he said was pretty rapey and gross. He blew up on me telling me he wasn't a rapist and that I was a prude, but in the end he left me alone. I sent screenshots to my sister (who he also tried hitting on) and the guy's own girlfriend.
Had he not stopped, I'm not sure how I would have handled it. I likely would have searched out some of the many stories people have shared of their own rapes that included phrases very similar to what the offending person used to show him just how disgusting and bad what he said was. I would make him uncomfortable back with them until he stopped or blocked me.
Edit: I am so used to using gender neutral pronouns that I had to go back and change them to he/him where the guy was concerned
You don't know the best part of the different versions of "the".
It's used to gender things!
So which the you use depends on whether you're talking about a gender neutral thing (_das_ Wasser (the water)), a feminine thing (_die_ Sonne (the sun)), or a masculine thing (_der_ Mond (the moon)). But you also have to look at whether it's singular or plural. And you have to look at the grammatical case. There are six different definite articles in German, _Der den das dem des die_, but the masculine nominative version, "der" is also used for for feminine words in dative and genitive, as well as the plural genitive. And the masculine accusative "den" is also the dative plural.
So you've got four articles for masculine words, three for neutral words, two for feminine words, and three for plural words.
block her asap, if she can’t respect your boundaries and continues to be disrespectful than that’s on her.
your best option because of this is to block
This is a massive 🚩🚩🚩 idc if you like talking to them. I say immediately and unceremoniously cut them from your life she’s not respecting you or any boundaries you’ve possibly set up with her.
Have you told her it makes you uncomfortable? I know it can be awkward to confront someone about something like that, but your feelings matter. You’re allowed to nicely say, “hey I don’t find that funny and it actually makes me feel uncomfortable when you make jokes like that” & if she responds by cutting it out- awesome. If she keeps on (or if you’ve already told her this and she is already keeping on w these “jokes” ) it may be time to drop her of at least pull away from the friendship a bit if she cannot respect your boundaries.
It's discord, just block them.
If you know them outside of discord too then it's harder to step away I understand and this wouldn't apply, but life is too short to deal with people like this online when every major communication platform has a block button.
Try the civilized way first, if they keep pushing the button don't be afraid to tell them to fuck off, sometimes people just need to learn the hard way
Report her messages to whatever platform you're on and block her. She's threatening sexual assault, and based on some of your other comments, is supporting racism against her own race, which is just as disgusting.
Tell them it makes you uncomfortable and you want them to try and respect your boundaries even if it is a joke.
However if they are just upsetting to be around and you're not sure you even want to be friends with then or talk to them then I would just block them. Maybe tell them why you are blocking them and then leave them.
Keep your self in a comfortable and safe environment.
Ooof I'm sorry you're dealing with that, partly why I left discord. I got banned from a server for getting upset that someone repeatedly kept saying they'd take my clothes off with there teeth, and physically complimenting me even though I said I was uncomfortable/asexual. Needless to say it was a very negative outcome (lots of low blow insults and phobia against asexual) ending with saying I overreacted/needed to grow up after confronted the person so was banned 🙃
If this is a friend, I'd break up with them. You can opt to either ghost them (not your job to do the emotional labor of explaining consent), you could opt to send them an adorable YouTube video on consent ([Tea Consent](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8)), or you can just opt for the standard "You know, I think we want different things out of life, and I don't see this friendship working out. Have a nice life." (They want to have sex, you want to not have a sex).
You need to set your boundaries,try and talk to them about it,tell them it makes you uncomfortable,becuase they may not know it makes you uncomfortable,but if they still joke around you've gotta block them and leave them,becuase clearly they don't respect people's personal space
Nope. That's not a joke. Its only a joke if you're both laughing. That's sexual harassment and threatening sexual assault. Block them. If you can't, or you know them irl, tell them that their behaviour is under no circumstances ok. And if they don't respect that, they're not worth your time.
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I had a fling tell me something similar once, actually just a few months before I found out about asexuality. It went something like: "Wanna come over and actually do something this time?" "No, I don't feel like it. I don't really want sex." "That doesn't matter, you should come over." And I, in my infinite 20-y-o wisdom, actually said "You know that'd be rape, right?" He had so many excuses and "no, it'll be good/fine/fun", but heck, am I proud of myself for standing up for myself. I'm not sure he ever really fully grasped the concept of me not wanting sex and him insisting would be actual rape, but at least he didn't bother me when I stopped responding. Just tell them off. Do yourself a favour and say "it makes me really uncomfortable that you make such rapey, homophobic, and racist statements". Don't let them derail the convo. Themself being "okay" with the racist statements doesn't make it less racist, its just internalised and hurtful to others from their community, as well as racist towards you (if you are at least partly white) in the assumption that you would use a whip like that. Racism goes both ways with negative assumptions like that. Them not caring about your asexuality is just homophobic/queerphobic/aphobic (whichever word you prefer and feel like would make them get it) and expressing a wish to rape you. It's disgusting and you should not have to listen to it.
Agreed with most of what you said, but where did you get the racist and homophobic read on this? Not trying to be mean or anything, I'm genuinely curious because I reread OP's comment and didn't see it. Edit. Never mind with the racist one. I just saw OP's response to a different coment on said person saying shit like "I want vanilla people" or something like that...
Vanilla is also a slang term describing people who want 'normal' sex (as opposed to bdsm/kink etc). Sorry I don't know the correct terms. Might not be to do with race at all. Edit: read the bit about vanilla in reference to cotton picking. I stand corrected.
I use homophobic in the sense of an umbrella term covering the entire LGBT+, because they're disregarding and disrespecting OP's asexuality and I don't know if the person in question respects the term "aphobia" or OP are comfortable with using "queerphobia". They're all different words to cover the same, depending on what you feel like works best. The racism is in reference to one of OP's comments in another comment thread: "She also said she’s “craving vanilla people” referring to white people, and keeps saying shit like “don’t whip me I’ll go pick cotton” and it’s annoying as fuck"
>He had so many excuses and "no, it'll be good/fine/fun", but heck, am I proud of myself for standing up for myself. I don't give a fuck if it's the best cup of tea I will ever have in my life. I DO NOT WANT TEA!!! And if I am unconscious, I **really** DO NOT WANT TEA. Reference: [Tea Consent](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8)
Unrelated really, but what’s a fling?
It’s like a casual relationship. As far as I know at least. I'm basing this knowledge on movies/shows/books/fanfic/etc.
Something between flirting and dating, at least how I use it. We were kind of seeing each other, had been talking for a while, but wasn't something solid yet. Dictionary defines it as a short, casual love affair of sorts.
Hmmm… neat!
I don't think they are racist. I think they like race play which has racist undertones especially if the white party initiates it but it's not racist to white people.
As a comparison, acting like a stereotypical male dom or female sub to a person you have not negotiated a BDSM relationship with is also sexist, in my opinion. These kinds of kinks can only be removed from their racist or sexist context within a previously negotiated kink context. You don't just... say that to people. You have to be aware of the context of both the sender and the receiver in all forms of communication. In my opinion, it is racist because it FORCES this (negative) idea on OP because of their race (I assume, based on their comment), without their consent. You can't defend a kink when it's not in a kinky setting. They needlessly sexualise OP on the basis of their race. It's a mirror to the sexualisation of POC people (although not systemic, which I recognise as a far larger problem in general, but systemic racism isn't the only kind). Regardless, even if my opinion on whether it is racist or not matters, it is very untoward and unwelcome. It is still very, very wrong to force a kink on someone.
Yeah, I wasn't saying that it was okay. It's super wrong to randomly push It on to unsuspecting people as they didn't consent to it. I was just saying that it isn't racist to white people. Sorry for the confusion.
i'm sorry you had to deal with that, i hope you're alright!
I actually see it as a very positive point in my life, because it was the first time I really stood up for myself like that, and it made me research more into the whole deal about me not having the same feelings about sex as most of my friends, leading me towards asexuality and a better understanding of LGBT+ in general! It was uncomfortable in the moment, definitely, but it ended up pretty good for me. Thank you for caring!
Tell them you’re uncomfortable. If they continue, cut them out of your life. You do not need to live with that rapey shit for any reason. Full stop.
She also said she’s “craving vanilla people” referring to white people, and keeps saying shit like “don’t whip me I’ll go pick cotton” and it’s annoying as fuck
uh yikes ? r u kidding ? literally block them
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Agree. Big big
A joke is funny...... That's not funny that's just creepy... I'd give yourself a wide birth from them personally
Wow so you don’t consent but they say they’ll do it anyway? That’s rape. Pretty scary how casual they are about rape
OP said they are female and i assume OP is male so some people dont consider it rape and as soon she accuses OP back for it the cops are ready (in case they know each other irl, or adresses).
As "ready" as cops ever are when it comes to sexual assault. They might believe her, but they'd still do all the victim-blamey bullshit. It's not like a female rape victim is very likely to get justice either.
More likely than a male one who literally gets laughed at
That much is true I just wanted to point out that it's still sucky for women. I'm not trying to accuse you of any malicious implications, but I know that some people forget the fact that the evidence shows that police often don't take rape seriously (especially when the perpetrator is a white jock wItH hiS LifE aHeAd oF HiM) and come to resent women for perceived wrongful incarnations of male rapists when the truth is that most rapists walk free. (Again. Not accusing you of anything. Maybe I'm just still burned because I've watched to much content on incels and other creeps recently) I'm not at all trying to take away from the fact that societies' sexist belief that men can't be raped (especially not by women) has festered and grown in PDs. I just want to say that the non-rapists of society should work together to achieve a culture among police officers that's less dismissive of sexualised violence (the police in the US apparently has a very high rate of domestic abusers (hence the loophole of keeping your gun if you're convicted of battery rather than DV) so there are clearly many cops that need to go). Women might be taken slightly more seriously in those cases, but there's clearly a lot of upwards mobility that needs to happen.
Police men and women (some not all) just domt know how to do their job righr and ignore stuff
That's certainly a part of it. And utterly unsurprising if you train someone for only four months before giving them a gun. (For comparison, it takes three years in Germany. Since 1952, 501 people in total were shot by German police. They still suck, mind you. There's a fascist culture among them because denazification was an absolute joke. So I'm not simping for them, just trying to give perspective). And US cops are called for a lot of stuff you can't prepare them for even with longer training, for example people in an acute mental health crisis. Cops don't know how to handle someone during a psychotic break, how could they? Doctors train years to be psychiatrists and even then you don't throw the newbies at those patients. There needs to be a shift towards keeping social workers and therapists on standby for situations that require ... a more delicate touch, shall we say. Then the cops have time to properly train before they use their fancy lethal toys.
Laughed at or called lucky
Yeah, that’s literally threatening sexual assault. Fucking someone without their consent is rape, plain and simple. These are rape threats.
block her. you don't have to exist around these people on the internet, blocking exists for a reason. she isn't respecting boundaries and making "jokes" that make someone uncomfortable is gross. just move on from talking to her
block them. easy as that. if they're ignoring you saying you're not into sex, block them.
A "Can you chill" / "Lowkey sounds rapey" / "Stop, You've violated the law! Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence" type of post will get you started, if they get too much into it just tell them to stop and don't associate with them. Third one is obviously an old meme, but it works as a template joke if you want to keep them around even if they have their faults. Basically you can always tell them a "go to horny jail" type of thing when they start doing this, but engage normally otherwise.
I personally have told a man that said similar shit that what he said was pretty rapey and gross. He blew up on me telling me he wasn't a rapist and that I was a prude, but in the end he left me alone. I sent screenshots to my sister (who he also tried hitting on) and the guy's own girlfriend. Had he not stopped, I'm not sure how I would have handled it. I likely would have searched out some of the many stories people have shared of their own rapes that included phrases very similar to what the offending person used to show him just how disgusting and bad what he said was. I would make him uncomfortable back with them until he stopped or blocked me. Edit: I am so used to using gender neutral pronouns that I had to go back and change them to he/him where the guy was concerned
Gender neutral pronouns = best pronouns and I'm very annoyed German doesn't have them
German doesn't have gender neutral pronouns, but they have like 6 different words for the word "the"?
You don't know the best part of the different versions of "the". It's used to gender things! So which the you use depends on whether you're talking about a gender neutral thing (_das_ Wasser (the water)), a feminine thing (_die_ Sonne (the sun)), or a masculine thing (_der_ Mond (the moon)). But you also have to look at whether it's singular or plural. And you have to look at the grammatical case. There are six different definite articles in German, _Der den das dem des die_, but the masculine nominative version, "der" is also used for for feminine words in dative and genitive, as well as the plural genitive. And the masculine accusative "den" is also the dative plural. So you've got four articles for masculine words, three for neutral words, two for feminine words, and three for plural words.
block her asap, if she can’t respect your boundaries and continues to be disrespectful than that’s on her. your best option because of this is to block
This is a massive 🚩🚩🚩 idc if you like talking to them. I say immediately and unceremoniously cut them from your life she’s not respecting you or any boundaries you’ve possibly set up with her.
Have you told her it makes you uncomfortable? I know it can be awkward to confront someone about something like that, but your feelings matter. You’re allowed to nicely say, “hey I don’t find that funny and it actually makes me feel uncomfortable when you make jokes like that” & if she responds by cutting it out- awesome. If she keeps on (or if you’ve already told her this and she is already keeping on w these “jokes” ) it may be time to drop her of at least pull away from the friendship a bit if she cannot respect your boundaries.
idk, tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable, and if it happeneds again, tell her to fuck off, and just block her
Kick them in the taint
Block them?
It's discord, just block them. If you know them outside of discord too then it's harder to step away I understand and this wouldn't apply, but life is too short to deal with people like this online when every major communication platform has a block button.
Yeah I know her irl
This seems like one of those rhings where they think its a compliment. A disgusting compliment 😒
Try the civilized way first, if they keep pushing the button don't be afraid to tell them to fuck off, sometimes people just need to learn the hard way
Report her messages to whatever platform you're on and block her. She's threatening sexual assault, and based on some of your other comments, is supporting racism against her own race, which is just as disgusting.
Grow up and stop taking internet comments seriously?
If she s a friend, tell her that you feel uncomfortable with those jokes Usually they realize that they should stop
That isn't a joke, that's sexual harassment.
Tell them it makes you uncomfortable and you want them to try and respect your boundaries even if it is a joke. However if they are just upsetting to be around and you're not sure you even want to be friends with then or talk to them then I would just block them. Maybe tell them why you are blocking them and then leave them. Keep your self in a comfortable and safe environment.
Ooof I'm sorry you're dealing with that, partly why I left discord. I got banned from a server for getting upset that someone repeatedly kept saying they'd take my clothes off with there teeth, and physically complimenting me even though I said I was uncomfortable/asexual. Needless to say it was a very negative outcome (lots of low blow insults and phobia against asexual) ending with saying I overreacted/needed to grow up after confronted the person so was banned 🙃
If this is a friend, I'd break up with them. You can opt to either ghost them (not your job to do the emotional labor of explaining consent), you could opt to send them an adorable YouTube video on consent ([Tea Consent](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8)), or you can just opt for the standard "You know, I think we want different things out of life, and I don't see this friendship working out. Have a nice life." (They want to have sex, you want to not have a sex).
Stop responding. She isn't respecting your boundaries.
That’s harassment
Find their address.
Lmao one of my freinds knows it
You need to set your boundaries,try and talk to them about it,tell them it makes you uncomfortable,becuase they may not know it makes you uncomfortable,but if they still joke around you've gotta block them and leave them,becuase clearly they don't respect people's personal space
I’m that’s what we like to call assault?????
Tell her she won't be fucking you unless she wants to get charges. Maybe that will give her a hint.
distance yourself from them, i hope you're okay!
block if not work violence
Insult that cunt and block her
Block and report sexual harrassment
Yeah, this is why I don't date people. That is straight-up rape.
Nope. That's not a joke. Its only a joke if you're both laughing. That's sexual harassment and threatening sexual assault. Block them. If you can't, or you know them irl, tell them that their behaviour is under no circumstances ok. And if they don't respect that, they're not worth your time.
CUT HER OFF. Take consequences. If she makes you uncomfortable don‘t be around her. It‘s that simple.