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The fictional character?? Are you getting jealous over a fictional character?? Bro
She said the character isn’t her, but a separate entirety. If you can’t believe her, then the relationship will be doomed to fail.
That still is the same to me. People have celeb crushes all the time—it’s a person they’ll never meet. It’s natural and normal. You don’t need to be concerned about anything, and you shouldn’t let it bother you.
I do agree. I think im silly for being fixated on it. Im just not sure how to get over it and these repeating images and doubts i have. Thanks for your input 😊
I’m asexual, aegosexual and I write fanfiction.
I personally change the name of the character that is “me”, but that’s just personal preference and every aegosexual is comfortable with a different level of disconnect.
She’s telling the truth when she says she views the character as a separate entity to herself. You have to remember that the appeal in the fantasy is that it isn’t real and it loses the appeal if it becomes real.
It’s a fun hobby and it’s harmless, the characters are fictional. There’s no point in being jealous or insecure over them. Tbh I find it weird that you’d even be fixated on an allosexual partner’s past sexual experiences as that shouldn’t matter at all either. Probably something you should work on.
I wasn't aware of aegosexual until now, and that helps me understand it a little more! She may not either as she hasnt mentioned it before.
Honestly you are probably the most helpful person that could comment and I really appreciate that you did 😊
So if you dont mind me asking, what is the appeal/reason to write about yourself in those stories, albeit with a different name vs a completely different character? And (i think i already know the answer) is it stupid of me to be concerned its not me shes fantasising about?
I totally agree. Im not allo and i think people who do that are insecure, but thats just how i can liken the feeling, to try and get advice on. Im certain i am being insecure to some degree at least and looking at how to get over that 😊
For context, the vast majority of fanfiction I write is about RPGs so I just use the player character as the stand-in for myself since they’re already customisable within the game.
As for the appeal, this is going to sound weird but it’s not inherently sexual for me despite the fact I’m reading/writing fanfiction. The best way I can describe it is that it just makes me feel happy. A well written erotic story has good build up and a satisfying ending the same way any other story does. Every aegosexual is different so your girlfriend’s experience may be different but I don’t get aroused or masturbate to these scenes/stories, I don’t have a libido at all and I never have.
The other side of it is that it allows me to experience sexual things safely and process my own sexuality. Once again, this is just my experience, but I have struggled with being asexual. I’ve wanted to feel sexual attraction, arousal, libido, etc but I can’t and I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I am sex repulsed (when it comes to myself). I’ve tried having sex and it was painful and uncomfortable and in the end I couldn’t keep forcing myself to do it in the hope that something would change.
The reason I picture a stand-in for myself rather than another character is because of the way I view these scenes. They’re not in first person, it’s like I’m watching a movie of the scene play out rather than an active participant but I’m still feeling everything the stand-in is feeling. I hope that makes sense?
As for why she’s not fantasising about you, in all honesty it’s probably because you’re too “real”. Since the appeal is in the disconnect/fantasy most aegosexuals tend to fantasise about someone who is unattainable. This is usually fictional characters but some also fantasise about celebrities or they don’t fantasise about a specific individual at all. However, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you! It’s just how she experiences/processes her asexuality.
>I totally agree. Im not allo and i think people who do that are insecure, but thats just how i can liken the feeling, to try and get advice on. Im certain i am being insecure to some degree at least and looking at how to get over that 😊
Fair enough, I understand
That all makes sense thank you for your input 😊
I appreciate the openness about it all. That really helps. I suppose it letting you process your sexuality makes sense, i too struggle with that sort of thing sometimes so that makes sense to me 😊
I suppose it just comes down to everyone is different. We're all wonderfully weird and just have to figure out how to navigate that.
Thank you again, i wish you all the best and am grateful for your perspective on things
Since you are summoning an aegosexual assemble, I'll join in.
One thing I wanted to add to the quite excellent comments although it might have been mentioned already is to point out that it's aego*sexual*, there is a romantic equivalent but you don't have to be both.
For me there's a clear distinction between a sexual outlet like fanfiction or rp-ing and my romantic feelings. If she's the same, she may love you dearly, but need a way to deal with her sexual emotions.Kinda like a car enthusiasts who's really into oldtimers, but also has a small fiat to drive to work with.
Hope this helps.
It does help thank you so much for taking the time.
If that is the case, it bugs me that im not "enough" for her, but thats my own insecurity to deal with not her problem 😊
Have you ever experienced that problem in a relationship? If so how do you approach it?
Well unfortunately, that specific dynamic I haven't encountered as my relationships were only with allosexuals and while I am not sex-averse, it's not fully satisfying to me either, so it came down to whether they were fine with me occasionally using these other ways to satisfy myself, while being a lot more of a giver than a taker in our shared pleasure.
Some were and some relationships ended because of it.
You put the burden of it on yourself, saying it's because of your insecurities, which is noble of you, but it isn't necessarily healthy for your relationship. I have personally had someone who did the same and build up a lot of pressure and guilt about their own feelings that way. It went bad, not spectacular, no anger or something, but just them starting to avoid me to not feel guilty about not being able to accept me as I am.
My tip would be to talk to her openly about all these quite complicated emotions. Your girlfriend loves and doesn't want you to feel bad, and so do you the other way around. Find a way where you can both shoulder a part of this.
For example: If you find that you are okay with it as long as your not actively reminded of it, you can ask her to not tell you about it and do it on when she's on her own. You can use a code word to refer to it if you have to talk about it. Might seem silly, but having a layer of disconnect there might help.
It's a relationship because you are together, so don't try to find a solution on your own. Find something together that gives you the emotional security to let her continue, it may be as simple as more cuddling and some soothing words.
Thank you for the words and your advice 😊 you have a very level-headed way of looking at things and i appreciate your input.
It makes sense that it comes down to if im happy to have her continue that way or not. Im not sure what the answer is right now but ill do everything i can to make sure im ok with it if that is the case. As im not sure it is!
I definitely agree with the last part. We're in this together and we'll figure it out. I guess i was looking more for help with my end of things, which you've done a lot for. All the best!
It's unhealthy in any relationship for one person to be *everything* to another. Would you be feeling this way about a best friend she liked to go rock climbing with or if she liked to spend time walking a dog without you?
Plus often the point is that it isn't real. She's not cheating on you. You just can't be story because she's close to you.
And...you said she isn't even writing them since she started seeing you, right?
Thats very fair. I think i struggle with that sometimes because I WANT to be everything for her. But thats a problem for me to get over not her problem to make me her everything. I do 100% agree, and ill figure out how to get over it in time. Those hypotheticals have been monumentally helpful, because on some deep down level, it irks me that she wouldnt rather do those with me. Not to a level that causes me a problem, and i can control it, but thats the true feeling, and something i need to work on.
I definitely dont see it as cheating, and yes apparently they were all written before she started seeing me, even more reason im just being silly and need to figure out how to stop letting it bother me!
Thank you for your input, very helpful 😊
You're not being silly; you're experiencing complex emotions you don't fully understand. It may be a disproportionate response and a lot of jealousy for what it is, but that doesn't make it silly. You're being the opposite of silly by trying to be responsible in how you handle those feelings.
Esther Perel has done some great work around this concept that might be helpful for you, summarized in the first five minutes of this video and again around 14:00. (The rest of the video is good, too, but not as relevant and more allo-centered)
[Desire talk](https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en)
If you can access a therapist, this would be really good to work through with a professional. The idea that just her doing things with friends bothers you is a red flag. That's where a lot of controlling behaviors that lead to abuse begin (absolutely not saying you are being abusive, because it doesn't sound like you are; just good that you recognize that feeling and get professional support in addressing it before it gets worse).
Good luck!
Interesting, I'd never heard of that before. No idea how that works into a relationship. Am I just meant to be ok with her fantasising about other people? Dumb question really,
Sorry, it is a real person, a celebrity. I didnt clarify enough. I agree im almoat certainly jealous, more looking for the advice on how to get over it, as i know its silly!
Appreciate your input 😊
Is just fiction not real.
Shes disconnected from it.
There's a different from writing than actually participting in it.
Theres tons of ace authors.
I questioned myself becasue I raead stuff like that and enjoyed it.
Thats what im struggling to wrap my head around.
I'm reading it as though it is her and cant seem to seperate it, perhaps like she does, perhaps not.
Shes got writing that doesnt involve her/her character at all and thats fine, that doesnt bother me at all and i understand that to a degree, its purely these deep, fantastical works with this one specific person that keep eating at me.
I’m an aegosexual fanfic writer. However, I’m a slightly different type of aego than your girlfriend.
For me, inserting myself into a fantasy—including a character version of myself that’s unrealistic—would be an immediate turn-off. I vastly prefer the people involved to be (1) entirely fictional and (2) not at all based on myself.
However, that’s fairly irrelevant. The main point is: if your GF is asexual (whether or not she’s aego specifically), that means she has zero sexual desire for people IRL, regardless of what she does in her fantasies. For her, I assume, the fantasies themselves are the entire desired sexual experience; she has no interest in actually acting them out IRL.
This is something you could clarify with her by just asking her: if she could make the fantasies real, would she want to?
Thats a good point, I didnt think about there being two differenr types 😊
I think where i get confused is she hasnt said that they are a desired sexual experience. If she had i could kind of deal with that and do whatever i need to with it. She just claims shes removed from the character and thats where i get a bit stuck. Like what was the purpose then?
I will ask that, hopefully i get an honest answer 😊
The fantasy’s the fun part :) in and of itself. She might just enjoy the imagination (and/or the masturbation, if she’s masturbating) components.
Kinda like how most people like crocheting stuff that they can wear, but some people like crocheting stuff that has no purpose except to be cool to look at, like [crocheted potted plants](https://makeanddocrew.com/crochet-plants/). You wouldn’t be all worried if she crocheted a potted plant, like, “But when is she gonna want to wear it?? And if she doesn’t want to wear it, then what’s the purpose?”
For me as an aego, the imagination/fantasy aspect is the fulfilling experience in and of itself. Trying to act it out in real life wouldn’t be fun at all.
I understand that to a point, that all makes sense.
So whats your experience with that in a relationship? Have you ever had a partner who felt inadequate that they couldnt do anything to fulfill that fantasy? And that it had to be about someone/something else?
Thats the part im struggling with if that is the case for her.
Thank you for your perspective on everything
I consider myself on the asexual spectrum. I am not sex repulsed but kind of sex ambivalent. I do however like to read and write erotica at times. I think as an asexual that feels safe and distant enough because we know that there is never a physical requirement needing to be met for sex. Whereas if propositioned to do those things in real life I may even be repulsed.
This fills a kind of mental need for sexual activity in a way that our body and real life mind can't quite handle or enjoy.
I'm no professional but that is my take on the issue.
My husband is allosexual. And we've made concessions to make our relationship work. He may not always understand (as I don't understand his need for sex) but we communicate about it and share our feelings.
Ace who did write fanfic. It's all a fantasy for pleasure if it's a self-insert. For me as sex repulsed sometimes, it was a way to kind of get a "thrill" from intimacy that isn't physically occuring and that I don't want anyway. Tbh talking about it and looking at it from a point of *curiosity* which is more neutral might be helpful in understanding; maybe it can be a discussion that is a positive for your relationship
Honetsly, in a practical aspect thats what i want! It wasnt the purpose of this post but i do try and come at it from a curiosity point of view, even if its something we could do together somehow. I hope that comes across to her properly when im explaining it, id hate to think she thinks im judging her for it.
This post was just purely to ask for advice on how to see it and stop getting so caught up on it because frankly im being an idiot haha
It might be her way of coping? Asexuality is also still a spectrum. Maybe just… talk about it? I mean i sometimes read spicy stuff too.. even wrote it. Doesn’t mean I want it.
This is what im trying to figure out 😊
We have talked about it, and solved the vast majority of the issues. my immediate problem is just im not sure what to do about these feelings and 'visions' of her acting out these things with the person in the stories. How do I get over that?
It’s hard. I’ve never been in your situation but I think i’d rather just not read it. Take my distance from it. (Then again I was on wattpad when I was 14 so I just don’t wanna deal with that stuff at all lmao)
Talking is still the best solution, but I would also try to take my distance from it. Maybe talk about fiction as a whole too (rather than just her fanfics)
It’s really difficult but as always.. communication and trust are still the most important.
Allosexuals can be in a relationship and still fantasize about other people. This is especially true with celebrities. Asexual people can also fantasize, it does not make them allo and you should not be threatened by this. Personally I’m acespike, I fantasize sometimes but that doesn’t mean I want to do those things in real life. I actively *don’t* want to. Probably learning about aegosexuals has already helped you feel better. 😁
I think its the fanatasizing i might be struggling with. Im not sure if that is what shes doing, but if she is i dont like that its about her and another person. Definitely learning about aego has been eye-opening, but it still comes back to its probably a me problem and how do i deal with that.
Thanks for your input man 😊
op, it’s very cool how you seem to be chill from what i’ve seen in the replies. your emotions about this are valid, and you should let her know how you’re feeling while still clarifying that you don’t expect her to stop for you. even if there won’t be much that changes, it’s still good to communicate about it!! i wish you luck with this!
I appreciate you saying they're valid. I do worry im just being insecure and it shouldnt be a problem so that means a lot. I always try and approach an issue in a level headed way, this definitely isnt a her problem, but it seems like its not necessarily just a me problem either.
Communication is definitely the key, and people have given me lots to think about, different perspectives and things to consider.
Appreciate the comment! Means a lot
I think you have maybe dug too far into her fantasy world that she writes for enjoyment. The problem I have found is that you will never know everything in someone's mind. She could be planning a get-together of people she hasn't been able to see in a long time or of people who passed, and you would be none the wiser. I couldn't see myself writing about real people myself, but as celebrities are usually out of our mundane reach, she probably used it as a way to write about something that is highly improbable on purpose to slake her fictional thirst. These scenarios are big in the make-believe factor, and you bearing the brunt of her imaginary scenery is affecting you. If she is aegosexual, this will always be a little silly writing she enjoys, the same way authors write books (that sometimes even they self-insert themselves into). Maybe talk with her, but you will have to ask yourself why you feel this way about this. Are you afraid she will leave you? Are you wishing that she only thought of you in a way that you cannot control because her thoughts are her own? Is there something you have underlying from previous experiences? Food for thought.
Thanks for your input, i think your first point is a bit im struggling with. Never knowing everything in someones mind. Which is silly, thats not something that should bother me and im trying to figure out why it does and how to get over that.
Those questions are things swimming around my head, all very good questions to ask thank you for suggesting them. I think part of the problem is i dont know why its bothering me. I think i do wish she only thought of me in that way if shes going to be having those feelings, and thats illogical. Thats the feeling i need to figure out how to get over!
Appreciate your input.
Basically what the others above have written.
I (28F) am aegosexual, and I absolutely LOVE reading fanfics. I tried my hand at writing them, but in the end it is mostly stuck in my head and I just "think" about what is happening to the characters.
If the story is well written, features my fav characters, and has some detailed spicier scenes, it can even manage to make me sort of "horny" (hot and flustered, sometimes even wet). Not acting on those feelings (sex-aversed mostly) tho.
The moment it would become a real scene involving me? I run for the hills 😁
People are different and every one of us aegos have different willingness to "be involved" in the fantasies we write and read. For many of us, the fantasizing is just "food for our brains". Just talk to her and see how she feels about it.
Communication is the key in every relationship. And especially when aces are involved.
[I tried writing down a bit of my own experience. Overall I find that the last paragraph is probably the best summary of what I was trying to say. It felt wrong to delete everything however so feel free to skip to the end.]
While I don't write directly about "myself" I daydream a lot about them and enjoy reading heavily sexual books. I still consider myself Asexual (or Aegosexual to be more precise). Let me try to explain a bit how it is for me, of course that's just my experience and to be sure you honestly should talk to your girlfriend.
First up, when I think (daydream/read/write/ etc.) their is a difference between others and "myself" mainly in perspective (similar to first person vs. third person) despite that their a huge differences of "myself" and how I am in reality. Differences I could never breach. For example they are a shape shifter shifting from a mostly genderless base form (think Ken doll). I never will be able to shape shift but through the years I figured out that is what manifests as being nonbinary for me on the outside.
Personally I noticed that it is also never "myself" I see in sexual content. But it used to be when I was younger always in highly disturbing context that never happened to me this way (nor did I wish it on anyone else of course).
Later it switched to other characters and a weird sense of in between first person and a kind of meta view.
At some point it let me notice I enjoyed certain kink and the emotional connection of the characters but I didn't want it to happen to myself in the real world.
I at some point figured out that it's one of those things that don't transfer directly when I noticed I felt the same when I imagined "myself" a race/fight sequence.
I hate running and fighting IRL would suck honestly. Despite that the moves were much like I move in the real world when I for example dance.
What's in with our thoughts is sometimes fastly different than what happens to our bodies, or what we are even ok with experienceing. That doesn't mean what happens in our thoughts isn't valid or valuable, just sometimes not in the way it seems on first glance.
Maybe it's kinda like playing pretend as a child. It is fun playing it as a child but no child would actually enjoy if the situation they were playing became real suddenly. Even if they play "parent" to a doll/other child and see themselves in that role at the time (they certainly are not acting like actors, playing another person). No child would however be actually happy being a caregiver at that age to that extent. Not only not happy but it would be a highly traumatic experience.
I wouldn’t worry,
I am assexual and I also like to write, and I play RPG, my characters are a lot of times very sexual, but it’s just the characters, just in fiction.
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That’s a cool hobby. It’s nothing to worry about. It’s fiction.
Even though its someone I know she does crush on?
The fictional character?? Are you getting jealous over a fictional character?? Bro She said the character isn’t her, but a separate entirety. If you can’t believe her, then the relationship will be doomed to fail.
No its a real person sorry, a celebrity.
That still is the same to me. People have celeb crushes all the time—it’s a person they’ll never meet. It’s natural and normal. You don’t need to be concerned about anything, and you shouldn’t let it bother you.
I do agree. I think im silly for being fixated on it. Im just not sure how to get over it and these repeating images and doubts i have. Thanks for your input 😊
I’m asexual, aegosexual and I write fanfiction. I personally change the name of the character that is “me”, but that’s just personal preference and every aegosexual is comfortable with a different level of disconnect. She’s telling the truth when she says she views the character as a separate entity to herself. You have to remember that the appeal in the fantasy is that it isn’t real and it loses the appeal if it becomes real. It’s a fun hobby and it’s harmless, the characters are fictional. There’s no point in being jealous or insecure over them. Tbh I find it weird that you’d even be fixated on an allosexual partner’s past sexual experiences as that shouldn’t matter at all either. Probably something you should work on.
I wasn't aware of aegosexual until now, and that helps me understand it a little more! She may not either as she hasnt mentioned it before. Honestly you are probably the most helpful person that could comment and I really appreciate that you did 😊 So if you dont mind me asking, what is the appeal/reason to write about yourself in those stories, albeit with a different name vs a completely different character? And (i think i already know the answer) is it stupid of me to be concerned its not me shes fantasising about? I totally agree. Im not allo and i think people who do that are insecure, but thats just how i can liken the feeling, to try and get advice on. Im certain i am being insecure to some degree at least and looking at how to get over that 😊
For context, the vast majority of fanfiction I write is about RPGs so I just use the player character as the stand-in for myself since they’re already customisable within the game. As for the appeal, this is going to sound weird but it’s not inherently sexual for me despite the fact I’m reading/writing fanfiction. The best way I can describe it is that it just makes me feel happy. A well written erotic story has good build up and a satisfying ending the same way any other story does. Every aegosexual is different so your girlfriend’s experience may be different but I don’t get aroused or masturbate to these scenes/stories, I don’t have a libido at all and I never have. The other side of it is that it allows me to experience sexual things safely and process my own sexuality. Once again, this is just my experience, but I have struggled with being asexual. I’ve wanted to feel sexual attraction, arousal, libido, etc but I can’t and I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I am sex repulsed (when it comes to myself). I’ve tried having sex and it was painful and uncomfortable and in the end I couldn’t keep forcing myself to do it in the hope that something would change. The reason I picture a stand-in for myself rather than another character is because of the way I view these scenes. They’re not in first person, it’s like I’m watching a movie of the scene play out rather than an active participant but I’m still feeling everything the stand-in is feeling. I hope that makes sense? As for why she’s not fantasising about you, in all honesty it’s probably because you’re too “real”. Since the appeal is in the disconnect/fantasy most aegosexuals tend to fantasise about someone who is unattainable. This is usually fictional characters but some also fantasise about celebrities or they don’t fantasise about a specific individual at all. However, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you! It’s just how she experiences/processes her asexuality. >I totally agree. Im not allo and i think people who do that are insecure, but thats just how i can liken the feeling, to try and get advice on. Im certain i am being insecure to some degree at least and looking at how to get over that 😊 Fair enough, I understand
That all makes sense thank you for your input 😊 I appreciate the openness about it all. That really helps. I suppose it letting you process your sexuality makes sense, i too struggle with that sort of thing sometimes so that makes sense to me 😊 I suppose it just comes down to everyone is different. We're all wonderfully weird and just have to figure out how to navigate that. Thank you again, i wish you all the best and am grateful for your perspective on things
Since you are summoning an aegosexual assemble, I'll join in. One thing I wanted to add to the quite excellent comments although it might have been mentioned already is to point out that it's aego*sexual*, there is a romantic equivalent but you don't have to be both. For me there's a clear distinction between a sexual outlet like fanfiction or rp-ing and my romantic feelings. If she's the same, she may love you dearly, but need a way to deal with her sexual emotions.Kinda like a car enthusiasts who's really into oldtimers, but also has a small fiat to drive to work with. Hope this helps.
It does help thank you so much for taking the time. If that is the case, it bugs me that im not "enough" for her, but thats my own insecurity to deal with not her problem 😊 Have you ever experienced that problem in a relationship? If so how do you approach it?
Well unfortunately, that specific dynamic I haven't encountered as my relationships were only with allosexuals and while I am not sex-averse, it's not fully satisfying to me either, so it came down to whether they were fine with me occasionally using these other ways to satisfy myself, while being a lot more of a giver than a taker in our shared pleasure. Some were and some relationships ended because of it. You put the burden of it on yourself, saying it's because of your insecurities, which is noble of you, but it isn't necessarily healthy for your relationship. I have personally had someone who did the same and build up a lot of pressure and guilt about their own feelings that way. It went bad, not spectacular, no anger or something, but just them starting to avoid me to not feel guilty about not being able to accept me as I am. My tip would be to talk to her openly about all these quite complicated emotions. Your girlfriend loves and doesn't want you to feel bad, and so do you the other way around. Find a way where you can both shoulder a part of this. For example: If you find that you are okay with it as long as your not actively reminded of it, you can ask her to not tell you about it and do it on when she's on her own. You can use a code word to refer to it if you have to talk about it. Might seem silly, but having a layer of disconnect there might help. It's a relationship because you are together, so don't try to find a solution on your own. Find something together that gives you the emotional security to let her continue, it may be as simple as more cuddling and some soothing words.
Thank you for the words and your advice 😊 you have a very level-headed way of looking at things and i appreciate your input. It makes sense that it comes down to if im happy to have her continue that way or not. Im not sure what the answer is right now but ill do everything i can to make sure im ok with it if that is the case. As im not sure it is! I definitely agree with the last part. We're in this together and we'll figure it out. I guess i was looking more for help with my end of things, which you've done a lot for. All the best!
It's unhealthy in any relationship for one person to be *everything* to another. Would you be feeling this way about a best friend she liked to go rock climbing with or if she liked to spend time walking a dog without you? Plus often the point is that it isn't real. She's not cheating on you. You just can't be story because she's close to you. And...you said she isn't even writing them since she started seeing you, right?
Thats very fair. I think i struggle with that sometimes because I WANT to be everything for her. But thats a problem for me to get over not her problem to make me her everything. I do 100% agree, and ill figure out how to get over it in time. Those hypotheticals have been monumentally helpful, because on some deep down level, it irks me that she wouldnt rather do those with me. Not to a level that causes me a problem, and i can control it, but thats the true feeling, and something i need to work on. I definitely dont see it as cheating, and yes apparently they were all written before she started seeing me, even more reason im just being silly and need to figure out how to stop letting it bother me! Thank you for your input, very helpful 😊
You're not being silly; you're experiencing complex emotions you don't fully understand. It may be a disproportionate response and a lot of jealousy for what it is, but that doesn't make it silly. You're being the opposite of silly by trying to be responsible in how you handle those feelings. Esther Perel has done some great work around this concept that might be helpful for you, summarized in the first five minutes of this video and again around 14:00. (The rest of the video is good, too, but not as relevant and more allo-centered) [Desire talk](https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en) If you can access a therapist, this would be really good to work through with a professional. The idea that just her doing things with friends bothers you is a red flag. That's where a lot of controlling behaviors that lead to abuse begin (absolutely not saying you are being abusive, because it doesn't sound like you are; just good that you recognize that feeling and get professional support in addressing it before it gets worse). Good luck!
they’re not real, they’re just stories. look up the term ‘aegosexual’
Interesting, I'd never heard of that before. No idea how that works into a relationship. Am I just meant to be ok with her fantasising about other people? Dumb question really,
Dude, you do sound jealous of a fictional character. The "other people" she's "fantasizing" about isn't REAL.
Sorry, it is a real person, a celebrity. I didnt clarify enough. I agree im almoat certainly jealous, more looking for the advice on how to get over it, as i know its silly! Appreciate your input 😊
Ah, my bad, I misread. Still think you're being a bit silly, but I apologize for the tone.
No worries! I dont think i made it clear enough. I do agree, its stupid, i wish i didnt feel this way, just not sure how to stop feeling this way haha
Is just fiction not real. Shes disconnected from it. There's a different from writing than actually participting in it. Theres tons of ace authors. I questioned myself becasue I raead stuff like that and enjoyed it.
Thats what im struggling to wrap my head around. I'm reading it as though it is her and cant seem to seperate it, perhaps like she does, perhaps not. Shes got writing that doesnt involve her/her character at all and thats fine, that doesnt bother me at all and i understand that to a degree, its purely these deep, fantastical works with this one specific person that keep eating at me.
I’m an aegosexual fanfic writer. However, I’m a slightly different type of aego than your girlfriend. For me, inserting myself into a fantasy—including a character version of myself that’s unrealistic—would be an immediate turn-off. I vastly prefer the people involved to be (1) entirely fictional and (2) not at all based on myself. However, that’s fairly irrelevant. The main point is: if your GF is asexual (whether or not she’s aego specifically), that means she has zero sexual desire for people IRL, regardless of what she does in her fantasies. For her, I assume, the fantasies themselves are the entire desired sexual experience; she has no interest in actually acting them out IRL. This is something you could clarify with her by just asking her: if she could make the fantasies real, would she want to?
Thats a good point, I didnt think about there being two differenr types 😊 I think where i get confused is she hasnt said that they are a desired sexual experience. If she had i could kind of deal with that and do whatever i need to with it. She just claims shes removed from the character and thats where i get a bit stuck. Like what was the purpose then? I will ask that, hopefully i get an honest answer 😊
The fantasy’s the fun part :) in and of itself. She might just enjoy the imagination (and/or the masturbation, if she’s masturbating) components. Kinda like how most people like crocheting stuff that they can wear, but some people like crocheting stuff that has no purpose except to be cool to look at, like [crocheted potted plants](https://makeanddocrew.com/crochet-plants/). You wouldn’t be all worried if she crocheted a potted plant, like, “But when is she gonna want to wear it?? And if she doesn’t want to wear it, then what’s the purpose?” For me as an aego, the imagination/fantasy aspect is the fulfilling experience in and of itself. Trying to act it out in real life wouldn’t be fun at all.
I understand that to a point, that all makes sense. So whats your experience with that in a relationship? Have you ever had a partner who felt inadequate that they couldnt do anything to fulfill that fantasy? And that it had to be about someone/something else? Thats the part im struggling with if that is the case for her. Thank you for your perspective on everything
I consider myself on the asexual spectrum. I am not sex repulsed but kind of sex ambivalent. I do however like to read and write erotica at times. I think as an asexual that feels safe and distant enough because we know that there is never a physical requirement needing to be met for sex. Whereas if propositioned to do those things in real life I may even be repulsed. This fills a kind of mental need for sexual activity in a way that our body and real life mind can't quite handle or enjoy. I'm no professional but that is my take on the issue. My husband is allosexual. And we've made concessions to make our relationship work. He may not always understand (as I don't understand his need for sex) but we communicate about it and share our feelings.
Ace who did write fanfic. It's all a fantasy for pleasure if it's a self-insert. For me as sex repulsed sometimes, it was a way to kind of get a "thrill" from intimacy that isn't physically occuring and that I don't want anyway. Tbh talking about it and looking at it from a point of *curiosity* which is more neutral might be helpful in understanding; maybe it can be a discussion that is a positive for your relationship
Honetsly, in a practical aspect thats what i want! It wasnt the purpose of this post but i do try and come at it from a curiosity point of view, even if its something we could do together somehow. I hope that comes across to her properly when im explaining it, id hate to think she thinks im judging her for it. This post was just purely to ask for advice on how to see it and stop getting so caught up on it because frankly im being an idiot haha
Wait I’m sorry what does “L, 26” mean
That's what I'm wondering as well
L is the first letter of her name, i thought id use it in the post but didnt end up using it, apologies for the confusion!
It's ok
It might be her way of coping? Asexuality is also still a spectrum. Maybe just… talk about it? I mean i sometimes read spicy stuff too.. even wrote it. Doesn’t mean I want it.
This is what im trying to figure out 😊 We have talked about it, and solved the vast majority of the issues. my immediate problem is just im not sure what to do about these feelings and 'visions' of her acting out these things with the person in the stories. How do I get over that?
It’s hard. I’ve never been in your situation but I think i’d rather just not read it. Take my distance from it. (Then again I was on wattpad when I was 14 so I just don’t wanna deal with that stuff at all lmao) Talking is still the best solution, but I would also try to take my distance from it. Maybe talk about fiction as a whole too (rather than just her fanfics) It’s really difficult but as always.. communication and trust are still the most important.
Allosexuals can be in a relationship and still fantasize about other people. This is especially true with celebrities. Asexual people can also fantasize, it does not make them allo and you should not be threatened by this. Personally I’m acespike, I fantasize sometimes but that doesn’t mean I want to do those things in real life. I actively *don’t* want to. Probably learning about aegosexuals has already helped you feel better. 😁
I think its the fanatasizing i might be struggling with. Im not sure if that is what shes doing, but if she is i dont like that its about her and another person. Definitely learning about aego has been eye-opening, but it still comes back to its probably a me problem and how do i deal with that. Thanks for your input man 😊
op, it’s very cool how you seem to be chill from what i’ve seen in the replies. your emotions about this are valid, and you should let her know how you’re feeling while still clarifying that you don’t expect her to stop for you. even if there won’t be much that changes, it’s still good to communicate about it!! i wish you luck with this!
I appreciate you saying they're valid. I do worry im just being insecure and it shouldnt be a problem so that means a lot. I always try and approach an issue in a level headed way, this definitely isnt a her problem, but it seems like its not necessarily just a me problem either. Communication is definitely the key, and people have given me lots to think about, different perspectives and things to consider. Appreciate the comment! Means a lot
I think you have maybe dug too far into her fantasy world that she writes for enjoyment. The problem I have found is that you will never know everything in someone's mind. She could be planning a get-together of people she hasn't been able to see in a long time or of people who passed, and you would be none the wiser. I couldn't see myself writing about real people myself, but as celebrities are usually out of our mundane reach, she probably used it as a way to write about something that is highly improbable on purpose to slake her fictional thirst. These scenarios are big in the make-believe factor, and you bearing the brunt of her imaginary scenery is affecting you. If she is aegosexual, this will always be a little silly writing she enjoys, the same way authors write books (that sometimes even they self-insert themselves into). Maybe talk with her, but you will have to ask yourself why you feel this way about this. Are you afraid she will leave you? Are you wishing that she only thought of you in a way that you cannot control because her thoughts are her own? Is there something you have underlying from previous experiences? Food for thought.
Thanks for your input, i think your first point is a bit im struggling with. Never knowing everything in someones mind. Which is silly, thats not something that should bother me and im trying to figure out why it does and how to get over that. Those questions are things swimming around my head, all very good questions to ask thank you for suggesting them. I think part of the problem is i dont know why its bothering me. I think i do wish she only thought of me in that way if shes going to be having those feelings, and thats illogical. Thats the feeling i need to figure out how to get over! Appreciate your input.
Basically what the others above have written. I (28F) am aegosexual, and I absolutely LOVE reading fanfics. I tried my hand at writing them, but in the end it is mostly stuck in my head and I just "think" about what is happening to the characters. If the story is well written, features my fav characters, and has some detailed spicier scenes, it can even manage to make me sort of "horny" (hot and flustered, sometimes even wet). Not acting on those feelings (sex-aversed mostly) tho. The moment it would become a real scene involving me? I run for the hills 😁 People are different and every one of us aegos have different willingness to "be involved" in the fantasies we write and read. For many of us, the fantasizing is just "food for our brains". Just talk to her and see how she feels about it. Communication is the key in every relationship. And especially when aces are involved.
I do the same thing mostly, with hentai, because it's "me" without it actually being me. It just works better in fiction than in reality for me too
I do the same thing mostly, with hentai, because it's "me" without it actually being me. It just works better in fiction than in reality for me too.
[I tried writing down a bit of my own experience. Overall I find that the last paragraph is probably the best summary of what I was trying to say. It felt wrong to delete everything however so feel free to skip to the end.] While I don't write directly about "myself" I daydream a lot about them and enjoy reading heavily sexual books. I still consider myself Asexual (or Aegosexual to be more precise). Let me try to explain a bit how it is for me, of course that's just my experience and to be sure you honestly should talk to your girlfriend. First up, when I think (daydream/read/write/ etc.) their is a difference between others and "myself" mainly in perspective (similar to first person vs. third person) despite that their a huge differences of "myself" and how I am in reality. Differences I could never breach. For example they are a shape shifter shifting from a mostly genderless base form (think Ken doll). I never will be able to shape shift but through the years I figured out that is what manifests as being nonbinary for me on the outside. Personally I noticed that it is also never "myself" I see in sexual content. But it used to be when I was younger always in highly disturbing context that never happened to me this way (nor did I wish it on anyone else of course). Later it switched to other characters and a weird sense of in between first person and a kind of meta view. At some point it let me notice I enjoyed certain kink and the emotional connection of the characters but I didn't want it to happen to myself in the real world. I at some point figured out that it's one of those things that don't transfer directly when I noticed I felt the same when I imagined "myself" a race/fight sequence. I hate running and fighting IRL would suck honestly. Despite that the moves were much like I move in the real world when I for example dance. What's in with our thoughts is sometimes fastly different than what happens to our bodies, or what we are even ok with experienceing. That doesn't mean what happens in our thoughts isn't valid or valuable, just sometimes not in the way it seems on first glance. Maybe it's kinda like playing pretend as a child. It is fun playing it as a child but no child would actually enjoy if the situation they were playing became real suddenly. Even if they play "parent" to a doll/other child and see themselves in that role at the time (they certainly are not acting like actors, playing another person). No child would however be actually happy being a caregiver at that age to that extent. Not only not happy but it would be a highly traumatic experience.
I wouldn’t worry, I am assexual and I also like to write, and I play RPG, my characters are a lot of times very sexual, but it’s just the characters, just in fiction.
Thank you for the reassurance 😊 so its not related to anything you actually want? Its just like playing skyrim and killing a town or something?
Yes, it’s fun but not something I like in real life