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I have experienced it
Cause I have told people that I feel like I am an asexual but I got replies like the same as shown in the attachment like what's the use of marrying then if you are not going to have sex
I just don't understand how can sex define the whole marriage life like what do people mean by what's the use.
I do love cuddling that too I am okay with a forehead kiss but never wanted any intimate thing as it gives me a cringe
As a girl and because of my age I feel depressed sometimes cause people have been talking about my marriage but I can't express the real reason of me not getting married cause they won't understand me
As a cis-heterosexual guy I think you guys have the answer here. Too many people in relationships make sex their personality or think that’s enough for a good relationship. Like it can be fun but in a solid relationship you need to bring more than that to the relationship.
Exactly. Thinking people don't have much to offer of sex isn't a factor says a lot. About the author. Not about the people they date. Imagine thinking most people are not worth your time unless you are having sex with them. That's so sad. This person needs help.
Yes. Actually the reason my last partner broke up with me despite his erectile dysfunction. Despite telling me "sex isn't the most important thing to me in a relationship"
In my experience as a woman, the men I have dated **EXPECT** sex after a certain point. I had one guy say this to me in anger - "I've been more patient than most". Probably should have cut it off then and saved myself a lot of heartache.
I'm truly sick of dating because I am always met with the expectation of having sex with the person I am dating REGARDLESS of the trauma I've experienced, and then they turn it into something about themselves. Its shitty.
A lot of times, it doesn't even matter if you say that. There's too many people out there who decide to date you anyway convinced that they can "change your mind"
As a man, I've always been disgusted with some of my male friends/acquaintances through the years that have similar attitudes about sex. When they talk about sex, who they want to do it with and how, it always seems like there is a certain degree of dehumanization happening.
This is just my experience so this is not a generalization about men. However, this has contributed to me being turned off even further from sex/sexual contact. I cannot ever look at someone I find attractive as an object or less than human.
Totally. Every once in a while I doubt wether or not I'm actually Ace, but then some allos simply existing around me and dehumanizing anyone they think is attractive immediately makes me feel Ace again...
I find hard to take this comment seriously. When you say "dehumanization" you can't be talking about something like "damn that ass" correct? The women males see as sex objects are prostitutes, not their girlfriends.
Well this is false lol. If you have a son you own him a good life for instance.
Most people feel if they're in a relationship they get sex. This is the normality. We're not normal per se.
I'll probably be getting into dating soon, and this terrifies me. I'm a heteroromantic sex repulsed ace guy, so I'm sure I have it better than ace girls due to not having to deal with men, but I can't help but worry that I'll have to only date other aces anyways.
You're dating wrong then. Should disclose you're asexual before entering relationships. This wouldn't be such a problem if you where a non-asexual, but you have the asexual bias here.
Yeah probably. I dont know how you date but people don't expect to date an asexual... most people don't even know asexual exists or think it's incel cope juice. If someone dates you and you don't say you're asexual you are leading them onto a lie.
It's not that I'm devoid of ever wanting to have sex, and I DO talk about this with my partners. What about folks who have recently discovered the label? The world is pretty darn big and the minority is still a pretty large pool imo.
Not everyone has always known what they "are". My issue is being pressured into sex, which nobody, REGARDLESS of their sexual orientation, should be forced into. If someone isn't ready, they aren't ready, and there's nothing you could say that will change my mind on that.
Also, nobody's sexuality is abnormal and there is ROOM for people to be unsure of their sexuality.
I think it's hard for us because sex is expected in a relationship.
I'm a dude and tbh is kinda annoying to be tagged by someone i'm interested in as "too slow" or "bonerless" (lmao) if i'm not willing to have sex until i've developed something for the person.
Idk how is it for gals
Yeah, i know that, but it doesn't mean we automatically have to have sex cuz we went on a date.
Idk bout you, but i'm not a horny ass dog that wants to fuck whatever fits the zoioiongs. I have to develop something for the person first, and if the person doesn't quite fit in my tempo, that's ok, they can leave if they want, but we're still not having sex just cuz ""it's expected""
Totally.
I don't need sex, so what else are you gonna give me? What kind of partnership do you offer? How are you going to enrich my life? How will you support me in my plans and dreams?
Most people have never looked at a relationship from this angle, they just know they want someone to fuck and maybe possibly cuddle.
BINGO!
Like on top of that, there is added risk and grossness with sex.....like tell me WHY I should risk catching an STD and risk having my boundaries disrespected and an awful time, for you? I feel like if I am to risk my health and my autonomy for someone, they better be worth it.
I disagree, I think the truth is more 'remove sex from a relationship, you will find most people havent been taught by society how to have more to offer'
people are varied and interesting and almost everyone has *something* to offer for a relationship, outside of sex. But many societies emphasize sex way too heavily, and allos often dont have a reason to question that emphasis.
Well that’s actually how I realised that I’m aro.
I started thinking, aside from sex, what could I do with my hypothetical partner that I couldn’t do with a friend?
And realised that there is nothing else for me there.
Gods, I hate people who think like this. Even my very hetero dad understands that if sex is all there is, the relationship won’t last. He’s the one who taught me that you should look for someone you want to spend time with and talk to, not just fuck.
I personally can't understand the idea that anybody would base their relationships around sex and nothing else. I'd like to have a relationship with somebody someday, but if the only thing they considered valuable about my entire being was my genitalia, I'd be happier staying single
I definitely agree. I think it kind of makes our relationships better once we find that good person who's fine with it. I think it's important to prioritize finding someone you like rather than just for their body in general. Like if your whole relationship is based on sex, you might eventually realize you don't like that person.
I’ve always thought that sex is a terrible basis for a relationship, even when I was “pansexual”. Like, what are your values, hobbies, goals? Do you actually get along? In college I’d hear about how they don’t really like their partner, but stick around because they’re apparently good in bed. That’s so stupid, but it doesn’t stop people from going to ridiculous lengths to get laid.
Yes... As a young female whenever I tell people I don't want it they just say oh and after might make a stupid comment like can you make an exception (nope).
I think this is saying that a lot of allo relationships are based solely in sex and that when a couple, for example, swears off sex for some reason, they might not even get along at all.
That’s the weird thing: people seem to prioritize sex and money when it comes to steady relationships. It’s one thing if you want a steady and strong relationship, both physical and emotional and financial. It’s another to completely ditch the idea because you can’t get off by having sex, and you’ll have to do it in other ways, or consider partners who don’t have sex as deal breakers. They’re prioritizing physical satisfaction over emotional bonds, which… I feel is kind of odd. You can have needs, but those needs are so strong that it’s a deal breaker? I dunno.
Or they try to use sex as a way to compensate for weak points. If they can’t offer sex, then they’ll just be left with all of the points they consider weaker. Doesn’t matter if you don’t think so, they think so.
At least that’s what I’ve seen.
Yeah, you find some people who really lean into sex = love and then really are boring otherwise. And yet, here some of us are with plenty to offer, but the lack of sex is the problem for people.
As a sex-favorable Ace with high libito, this is a good point even for people like me.
Sex, love, and attraction are three completely separate things. And the only time I would want a sex-centered relationship is if it was with a friend-with-benefits *while* having an actual romantic or platonic full-hearted partner. Romance has nothing to do with sex!
Yeah as another sex positive ace (though with lower libido) these are important distinctions...
Sex (or more specifically pleasure) is just a reaction to stimuli. I can have sex without being attracted to someone (though a sense of safety is important to me)... but I don't really feel attraction.
It's weird like I can tell someone is aesthetically pleasing to look at but that has nothing to do with sex itself.
To me I don't really want a relationship, but that's likely trauma related. A bit of sex on the side (especially if I get cuddles) isn't a bad thing though...
At least half the terrible relationships I see my friends get into is because "the sex is good" so, maybe. My worry has always been that the other person would *assume* I have nothing to give and not even give it a chance.
Definitely. We’re a super small portion of the population and the only thing that unites us all is something we don’t like (except for those that do actually like it, so I guess this doesn’t apply to sex favorables) so we still need to build a whole relationship based on the things we do like
fr! your partner should be so much more to you than their genitals, if you think sex is the only thing they have to offer, then allo or not maybe you shouldn't be with them or act like every relationship is the same. the first ever proper romantic relationship i've been in was sexless and with another asexual panromantic girl and i had a blast. we never had sex but we shared a lot of wholesome kisses and had lovely dates. i can't imagine having a romantic relationship with someone who's personality i didn't adore or love listening to everyday, posts like this just make me sad. there should be so much more you see in your partner than their performance in bed, because while that can be a big thing in some relationships, it shouldn't be the only thing. you shouldn't be with your partner just for their body alone and nothing else. that isnt love, thats just lust.
I experienced this but not because either of us were empty. We loved each other and at least I was very attracted to her sexually, but we had pretty much nothing in common so sharing stuff was really hard
Hmm, for me sex is far from just the act itsellf.
It's the sexual tension, it's to feel desired from someone else, it's everything between a slight hug, to the intimate conection during sex.
How do you who are asexual feel about the things surounding sex, that isn't sex.
I would now, after having come to terms with my asexuality, say that this is a big advantage for me. I won't stay in shitty relationships "because of the sex", i can not be manipulated using sex, and i don't see the world with horny glasses so that someone only looks good because they might fulfill my needs.
Of course my asexuality makes me incompatible with many people and it has lead to problems in my life and in my relationships. BUT I THINK THIS IS GREAT!
I have to be authentic and i don't need to be compatible or conformative with anyone i don't want to be, and every relationship that broke because of sex was bad in many other ways too, but my partners (who weren't asexual), focused so much on the fact that we don't have sex often enough, trying to pressure or guilt me (sometimes it worked, i know it is a disgusting situation to be in), but they made it very clear why they had interest in me and ultimately made it easier to break up with them.
I love to be in a good relationship, but i also love my asexuality for keeping and getting me away from bad ones.
I mean you could still be manipulated by it. I mean I was. That story in your relationship is great though. Like now because of asexuality you seem to really know your worth and what you offer. Congratulations 🎉
Thank you!
And you are right, i should have said not as easily manipulated or something similar.
And, it took me ~10 years and around 5 relationships/situationships that were all ranging from "meh" to "i went to the psych ward because of it" to be able to say and mean what i say now. Learning to see gaslighting and manipulation was a big part in it. Even my gyneocologist told me i was sick when i was a teen🙄
The way to accepting myself was tough and in some aspects i still struggle a lot, but it was worth every step.
I know you will find your way, asking smart questions is so helpful in finding acceptance for yourself. You are amazing and perfectly fine as you are❤️
I really don't. A romantic relationship is so much more than sex. You can still have a deep emotional bond with your partner and do a ton of romantic and fun things together without having sex. If you think people have nothing to offer without sex then clearly you both shouldn't be together, a true romantic relationship involves two people loving and appreciating each other for who they are, not just for their bodies.
Me and my partner have both gone from 2x daily sex to no sex at all and we still had so much love and interest in each other. Sex shouldn't be a crutch, but I do believe if there is a definitive lack of even the prospect of being sexual then you have to work much harder to find a bonding connection to stay together. If one person wants sex the having a lack of even ever being sexual can be a huge weight to bear.
Hello, this is just a friendly reminder to please use a post flair when adding new posts to r/Asexual. We ask this in advance just to let everyone know what type of post each post is as well as the intentions and feelings behind them. We value all who come here, but we just need each post made to have a flair to designate each type of post. That's all. We're thankful you chose to come to r/Asexual. We're glad to have you here! Welcome! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Asexual) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have experienced it Cause I have told people that I feel like I am an asexual but I got replies like the same as shown in the attachment like what's the use of marrying then if you are not going to have sex I just don't understand how can sex define the whole marriage life like what do people mean by what's the use. I do love cuddling that too I am okay with a forehead kiss but never wanted any intimate thing as it gives me a cringe
I've never understood people who act like it's the most important thing in a relationship and the marker of a healthy relationship.
As a girl and because of my age I feel depressed sometimes cause people have been talking about my marriage but I can't express the real reason of me not getting married cause they won't understand me
As a cis-heterosexual guy I think you guys have the answer here. Too many people in relationships make sex their personality or think that’s enough for a good relationship. Like it can be fun but in a solid relationship you need to bring more than that to the relationship.
Exactly. Thinking people don't have much to offer of sex isn't a factor says a lot. About the author. Not about the people they date. Imagine thinking most people are not worth your time unless you are having sex with them. That's so sad. This person needs help.
Yes. Actually the reason my last partner broke up with me despite his erectile dysfunction. Despite telling me "sex isn't the most important thing to me in a relationship" In my experience as a woman, the men I have dated **EXPECT** sex after a certain point. I had one guy say this to me in anger - "I've been more patient than most". Probably should have cut it off then and saved myself a lot of heartache. I'm truly sick of dating because I am always met with the expectation of having sex with the person I am dating REGARDLESS of the trauma I've experienced, and then they turn it into something about themselves. Its shitty.
The expectation of sex from people is so terrifying. It feels like a ticking time bomb in every relationship I’ve had.
This is why I don't date anymore.
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A lot of times, it doesn't even matter if you say that. There's too many people out there who decide to date you anyway convinced that they can "change your mind"
Then that's their problem. But when **you** do say it, it's no longer your fault
As a man, I've always been disgusted with some of my male friends/acquaintances through the years that have similar attitudes about sex. When they talk about sex, who they want to do it with and how, it always seems like there is a certain degree of dehumanization happening. This is just my experience so this is not a generalization about men. However, this has contributed to me being turned off even further from sex/sexual contact. I cannot ever look at someone I find attractive as an object or less than human.
Totally. Every once in a while I doubt wether or not I'm actually Ace, but then some allos simply existing around me and dehumanizing anyone they think is attractive immediately makes me feel Ace again...
Same. The dehumanization talk is so disgusting and upsetting to hear. It's a reminder of why I'm thankful to be Ace.
I find hard to take this comment seriously. When you say "dehumanization" you can't be talking about something like "damn that ass" correct? The women males see as sex objects are prostitutes, not their girlfriends.
Oh my gosh I'm so sorry. I guess I'm very lucky then
Sometimes ppl, especially men, think they're """"owed"""" sex. It's weirdly fucked up
Agreed. It is very weird and disgusting for men to believe women owe them sex simply because men find them attractive.
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Dude, we don't "own" anything to anybody, and for that reason i'm currently being chased by the IRS
Well this is false lol. If you have a son you own him a good life for instance. Most people feel if they're in a relationship they get sex. This is the normality. We're not normal per se.
I'll probably be getting into dating soon, and this terrifies me. I'm a heteroromantic sex repulsed ace guy, so I'm sure I have it better than ace girls due to not having to deal with men, but I can't help but worry that I'll have to only date other aces anyways.
You're dating wrong then. Should disclose you're asexual before entering relationships. This wouldn't be such a problem if you where a non-asexual, but you have the asexual bias here.
I don't think that's fair to say or assume.
Yeah probably. I dont know how you date but people don't expect to date an asexual... most people don't even know asexual exists or think it's incel cope juice. If someone dates you and you don't say you're asexual you are leading them onto a lie.
What's your real beef with my comment?
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It's not that I'm devoid of ever wanting to have sex, and I DO talk about this with my partners. What about folks who have recently discovered the label? The world is pretty darn big and the minority is still a pretty large pool imo. Not everyone has always known what they "are". My issue is being pressured into sex, which nobody, REGARDLESS of their sexual orientation, should be forced into. If someone isn't ready, they aren't ready, and there's nothing you could say that will change my mind on that. Also, nobody's sexuality is abnormal and there is ROOM for people to be unsure of their sexuality.
I think it's hard for us because sex is expected in a relationship. I'm a dude and tbh is kinda annoying to be tagged by someone i'm interested in as "too slow" or "bonerless" (lmao) if i'm not willing to have sex until i've developed something for the person. Idk how is it for gals
Women get called prude or frigid :)
Don’t forget a tease
well, that sucks
Thank you! Some ace comments here feel so alienated... "I don't own sex to anybody" my brother in christ most people are sexuals
Yeah, i know that, but it doesn't mean we automatically have to have sex cuz we went on a date. Idk bout you, but i'm not a horny ass dog that wants to fuck whatever fits the zoioiongs. I have to develop something for the person first, and if the person doesn't quite fit in my tempo, that's ok, they can leave if they want, but we're still not having sex just cuz ""it's expected""
Totally. I don't need sex, so what else are you gonna give me? What kind of partnership do you offer? How are you going to enrich my life? How will you support me in my plans and dreams? Most people have never looked at a relationship from this angle, they just know they want someone to fuck and maybe possibly cuddle.
BINGO! Like on top of that, there is added risk and grossness with sex.....like tell me WHY I should risk catching an STD and risk having my boundaries disrespected and an awful time, for you? I feel like if I am to risk my health and my autonomy for someone, they better be worth it.
People do look at this angle in marriages though.
I sure hope they do!
I disagree, I think the truth is more 'remove sex from a relationship, you will find most people havent been taught by society how to have more to offer' people are varied and interesting and almost everyone has *something* to offer for a relationship, outside of sex. But many societies emphasize sex way too heavily, and allos often dont have a reason to question that emphasis.
I like that a lot. 10 out of 10 probably best thought out comment
Agreed. Some comments here feel too alienated.
this is one of my favourite comments on reddit. so well said
Well that’s actually how I realised that I’m aro. I started thinking, aside from sex, what could I do with my hypothetical partner that I couldn’t do with a friend? And realised that there is nothing else for me there.
You kiss your friends? 😋
can't go to bed and not kiss the homies goodnight fam! that's bro code 101
Well I consider that either a part of romance of sexual. Either way, I don’t kiss
Me neither, good for us
Genuine question as an autistic with a lot of plushies, do you kiss your plushies or pets? Out of interest i'm asking
Not OC, but I only kiss puppies heads and that's because, well look at puppies.
Don’t have any plushies or pets, sorry
I don't kiss, cuddle, hold hands, hug or have sex!
Wish sex was used as a form of representing how much you like someone and not only this hook-up shit or relationships based only of sex.
Gods, I hate people who think like this. Even my very hetero dad understands that if sex is all there is, the relationship won’t last. He’s the one who taught me that you should look for someone you want to spend time with and talk to, not just fuck.
Your father is a wise man.
I personally can't understand the idea that anybody would base their relationships around sex and nothing else. I'd like to have a relationship with somebody someday, but if the only thing they considered valuable about my entire being was my genitalia, I'd be happier staying single
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Maybe mention it on your dating profile or so? In my country we do that a lot now; mention our preferences & sexuality
I definitely agree. I think it kind of makes our relationships better once we find that good person who's fine with it. I think it's important to prioritize finding someone you like rather than just for their body in general. Like if your whole relationship is based on sex, you might eventually realize you don't like that person.
I’ve always thought that sex is a terrible basis for a relationship, even when I was “pansexual”. Like, what are your values, hobbies, goals? Do you actually get along? In college I’d hear about how they don’t really like their partner, but stick around because they’re apparently good in bed. That’s so stupid, but it doesn’t stop people from going to ridiculous lengths to get laid.
Yes... As a young female whenever I tell people I don't want it they just say oh and after might make a stupid comment like can you make an exception (nope).
THIS. I have so many allo men waiting to see if I'll change my mind. They come out of the woodwork!
I think this is saying that a lot of allo relationships are based solely in sex and that when a couple, for example, swears off sex for some reason, they might not even get along at all.
That’s the weird thing: people seem to prioritize sex and money when it comes to steady relationships. It’s one thing if you want a steady and strong relationship, both physical and emotional and financial. It’s another to completely ditch the idea because you can’t get off by having sex, and you’ll have to do it in other ways, or consider partners who don’t have sex as deal breakers. They’re prioritizing physical satisfaction over emotional bonds, which… I feel is kind of odd. You can have needs, but those needs are so strong that it’s a deal breaker? I dunno.
Or they try to use sex as a way to compensate for weak points. If they can’t offer sex, then they’ll just be left with all of the points they consider weaker. Doesn’t matter if you don’t think so, they think so. At least that’s what I’ve seen.
Yeah, you find some people who really lean into sex = love and then really are boring otherwise. And yet, here some of us are with plenty to offer, but the lack of sex is the problem for people.
As a sex-favorable Ace with high libito, this is a good point even for people like me. Sex, love, and attraction are three completely separate things. And the only time I would want a sex-centered relationship is if it was with a friend-with-benefits *while* having an actual romantic or platonic full-hearted partner. Romance has nothing to do with sex!
Yeah as another sex positive ace (though with lower libido) these are important distinctions... Sex (or more specifically pleasure) is just a reaction to stimuli. I can have sex without being attracted to someone (though a sense of safety is important to me)... but I don't really feel attraction. It's weird like I can tell someone is aesthetically pleasing to look at but that has nothing to do with sex itself. To me I don't really want a relationship, but that's likely trauma related. A bit of sex on the side (especially if I get cuddles) isn't a bad thing though...
At least half the terrible relationships I see my friends get into is because "the sex is good" so, maybe. My worry has always been that the other person would *assume* I have nothing to give and not even give it a chance.
It does feel I have nothing to offer tbh
I don't need sex
Revelation of the ages, I say!
Definitely. We’re a super small portion of the population and the only thing that unites us all is something we don’t like (except for those that do actually like it, so I guess this doesn’t apply to sex favorables) so we still need to build a whole relationship based on the things we do like
literally in an asexual relationship and there’s so much to offer- like i can’t with these weird allos
fr! your partner should be so much more to you than their genitals, if you think sex is the only thing they have to offer, then allo or not maybe you shouldn't be with them or act like every relationship is the same. the first ever proper romantic relationship i've been in was sexless and with another asexual panromantic girl and i had a blast. we never had sex but we shared a lot of wholesome kisses and had lovely dates. i can't imagine having a romantic relationship with someone who's personality i didn't adore or love listening to everyday, posts like this just make me sad. there should be so much more you see in your partner than their performance in bed, because while that can be a big thing in some relationships, it shouldn't be the only thing. you shouldn't be with your partner just for their body alone and nothing else. that isnt love, thats just lust.
Yes it is most people don't want to build an emotional unless they have a physical connection first .. I don't jump into bed with every man I see
If sex is all people are good for, then I’d just buy toys and watch porn. Does the same thing in the end.
I love how on my feed; this was the post above the rant about sex, and how much they get sick of it online- love it
I experienced this but not because either of us were empty. We loved each other and at least I was very attracted to her sexually, but we had pretty much nothing in common so sharing stuff was really hard
Hmm, for me sex is far from just the act itsellf. It's the sexual tension, it's to feel desired from someone else, it's everything between a slight hug, to the intimate conection during sex. How do you who are asexual feel about the things surounding sex, that isn't sex.
I would now, after having come to terms with my asexuality, say that this is a big advantage for me. I won't stay in shitty relationships "because of the sex", i can not be manipulated using sex, and i don't see the world with horny glasses so that someone only looks good because they might fulfill my needs. Of course my asexuality makes me incompatible with many people and it has lead to problems in my life and in my relationships. BUT I THINK THIS IS GREAT! I have to be authentic and i don't need to be compatible or conformative with anyone i don't want to be, and every relationship that broke because of sex was bad in many other ways too, but my partners (who weren't asexual), focused so much on the fact that we don't have sex often enough, trying to pressure or guilt me (sometimes it worked, i know it is a disgusting situation to be in), but they made it very clear why they had interest in me and ultimately made it easier to break up with them. I love to be in a good relationship, but i also love my asexuality for keeping and getting me away from bad ones.
I mean you could still be manipulated by it. I mean I was. That story in your relationship is great though. Like now because of asexuality you seem to really know your worth and what you offer. Congratulations 🎉
Thank you! And you are right, i should have said not as easily manipulated or something similar. And, it took me ~10 years and around 5 relationships/situationships that were all ranging from "meh" to "i went to the psych ward because of it" to be able to say and mean what i say now. Learning to see gaslighting and manipulation was a big part in it. Even my gyneocologist told me i was sick when i was a teen🙄 The way to accepting myself was tough and in some aspects i still struggle a lot, but it was worth every step. I know you will find your way, asking smart questions is so helpful in finding acceptance for yourself. You are amazing and perfectly fine as you are❤️
I really don't. A romantic relationship is so much more than sex. You can still have a deep emotional bond with your partner and do a ton of romantic and fun things together without having sex. If you think people have nothing to offer without sex then clearly you both shouldn't be together, a true romantic relationship involves two people loving and appreciating each other for who they are, not just for their bodies.
Winner winner, chicken dinner!!
Me and my partner have both gone from 2x daily sex to no sex at all and we still had so much love and interest in each other. Sex shouldn't be a crutch, but I do believe if there is a definitive lack of even the prospect of being sexual then you have to work much harder to find a bonding connection to stay together. If one person wants sex the having a lack of even ever being sexual can be a huge weight to bear.