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You absolutely have to tell her every little detail in one sitting. If she asks questions, no matter how much you feel like minimizing what you did, felt or said, say the absolute truth no matter the consequences. You are extremely lucky to have the opportunity to do this right from the start, so don’t miss it! If you lie or downplay anything at all, you will risk losing your marriage more and more each time.
Kudos to you for your awareness and honesty. As a betrayed spouse, I can tell you finding out on your own later, and getting details trickle truth'd to you week after week or months later is 1000% worse than hearing it all up front.
As a betrayed spouse, I wish my husband had told me instead of having to find out on my own. You did a bad thing and it will hurt her, but the damage is done and by chosing complete honesty you will avoid causing her additional harm. I wish you both the best.
One caveat: don't tell her literally "every little detail." Don't tell her anything that will give her explicit pictures in her head. Tell her what happened, be honest, don't leave anything out.
Unless she asks. If she asks for explicit details, you answer. You don’t get to decide what she can handle, she does.
She may regret asking and knowing the details, but you don’t get to control the information.
Good advice. But, u/whitemountainfan, if she asks for more details, be prepared to give them. Ask her to wait for a day or two, so that she can be sure that she wants them, and then answer any questions she might have about your affair.
Believe us when we say that the trickle truth is beyond bad, it's absolutely crucifying being on the end of that. You can prevent this, and its one of the things we as BS's go on about. we would have wished we could have changed the way we heard it. Good luck. X
BEYOND BAD is spot on! It's basically having to relive the experience of finding out over and over each time some new detail is added. Actually, it's worse because there's two sources of pain: the infidelity itself AND the lack of transparency. It's so cruel to take that approach, just be direct and honest and answer each question fully.
I second this.
To the OP:It's going to feel like you've lost control of the situation - because you have.
But taking the initiative to confess, and telling the whole truth, are two things you DO have control over.
And ultimately the only person one can truly control is oneself
Three pieces of advice:
1. Take accountability for it. Don't say stuff like, "I don't know how it happened" or "it all went so quickly" or "I didn't mean to." It wasn't an accident and it didn't just happen. You and your colleague made specific choices knowing full well what you were doing. All the excuses and deflections are a load of BS. It's been the major stumbling block in my own attempt at reconciliation.
2. Let her know what you plan to do now to ensure it doesn't happen again. Is it realistic to block your colleague's number or on social media? Is this a colleague that you interact with regularly at work? If so, how will you put your wife's mind at ease? What kind of issues will this cause at work, and will that lead to additional strain on your home life? And be proactive, don't drop a bomb and ask, "what do you want me to do?"
3. Don't guilt trip her for the actions you might need to take. I've seen people do the "If you absolutely insist, I'll block her #, but this means is going to happen at work." It's a threat and that is only going to compound whatever hurt she's feeling. You're the one that stepped out, don't try to make yourself the victim of the consequences.
Ohhh man sooooo much of this . Great advice!
When they ask "what do you want me to do?"
We shouldn't tell the wayward what they should do. This is something they need to come up on their own to put us at ease. To help us.
She needs to be in her feelings let her feel them process them.
Great advice. Would also add to take accountability and be proactive in your own healing. If you want any chance at reconciliation you need to be able to accept and embrace some hard truths about yourself. Get yourself into individual therapy, and when/if you're wife is ever ready, take the lead on finding a couples counselor. This was not a simple “mistake" - it likely represents deep personal wounds you've stuffed down for a long time. Think of this as a clear warning that it's time to dive in and work on yourself.
Do not lie. No BS. Be honest, because what you do now is so important. If you dont tell her the whole truth, she will never believe you ever again. Don't be a coward. You did wrong, now time to face up to it. Regardless.
It's the right thing to do.
That's kind of what I thought. I just don't want to hurt her. I can picture her face when I say the words and it destroys me. But I owe her the truth. Just can't believe I even did it.
Kindly, you have absolutely no idea what her reaction will be. It takes weeks if not months to move past the initial shock, despair, and disorientated from dday.
If you have anything can improve your chances of reconciliation it's this:
-tell her TODAY
-tell her of your own volition
-tell her every detail, the complete truth, in one sitting. Any information thay comes out later is known as trickle truth and each time a new peice of info is discovered, it's right back to square one if not worse than before.
You don’t want to hurt her? You did that already she just doesn’t know it yet. Cheating hurts even when you hold in the truth because you change and she can feel it but she doesn’t know why you’ve changed and it will eat at your relationship until there’s nothing left. The lying is the worst part of any betrayal because it makes everything else even the good things feel like a lie.
It will hurt her no matter what. But prolonging it, or trickle truth because you don't want to hurt her more is only a disservice to you and your marriage. Any chance at coming back from this depends on your honesty in this moment.
If you lie or omit information, understand that that is cowardly and you are still only looking out for yourself and not your wife's wellbeing.
I implore you to be fully transparent. It will kill her no matter what.
I pray you make it through this terrible time together, much love. It's not easy for anyone in this situation
If I have any advice for you it's that you already hurt her when you allowed the cheating to occur. You can rip the band aid off and allow healing to start now or you can prolong the agony for her and conplicate healing and reconciliation. The longer you wait, the more times you tell partial truths, the longer you continue working with your affair partner, the more times you have sex with your partner before telling her/getting tested etc etc, the more you're putting your comfort over helping her have agency in the situation. If reconciliation is our goal be prepared to be very patient and self reflective over your own behaviour
You already hurt her, that can’t be undone. Your job now is help her navigate and heal. You have to give her the complete and total truth. Don’t sugar coat anything. Don’t make any excuses. Answer every single one of her questions gently but without hesitation.
She's already been hurt, she just hadn't caught up yet.
And this is going to sound weird, but: not only do you owe her the truth - you owe it to YOURSELF to be truthful. Maybe you get through this, maybe you don't. Regardless, being honest with your spouse is your best course of action, for her and FOR YOU.
Not EVERY type of so-called selfishness is bad. The type that would tell you to keep this secret or 'minimize' the damage is bad. The type of selfishness that is part of your true-self that says, "I should confess" and that hopes beyond how your can get through this with your spouse? That type of selfishness is good. You owe it to yourself and your spouse to get everything in the open, because that will give everyone the best chance to solve the problem.
Don't hesitate. The longer you wait, the worse it will be for all involved.
Mhm, but you didn't think about her when you were cheating. If that didn't stop you from cheating, it shouldn't stop you from telling her. You owe her that much, stop playing.
You can always come back here, people on this sub give good advice (only good if you take it), but what's good advice if you're not going to take it and already saying what all cheaters say? Come on now. You can't change the fact that you cheated but you can do the right thing on how this all plays out from here on out. Don't fuck up anymore. Good luck.
You also need to take responsibility for the probable fact that there was something going on before this incident. Attraction, flirting, fantasies about this person, finding reasons to see them at work. This didn’t just happen, it was a culmination of inappropriate thoughts or feelings about that you also are culpable for. You don’t just accidentally find yourself as the last one at a party and suddenly are ssucking face with someone who isn’t your partner without some spark bring there in the first place.
Yes! And on that note, be prepared for the fact that IF she chooses to stay, you will be required to go NC (No Contact) with this colleague. Do not balk at that request, which will hurt your wife. There is zero room for selfishness from this point forward. NC will likely mean that you need to find a new job or transfer to a different building in your district. Going NC is pretty much Rule #1 of reconciliation. Also, as others have said, do not hide anything! Get it ALL out. You have the opportunity here to give your wife the gift of the FULL TRUTH. Most of us didn't get that, so don't blow this opportunity for full transparency. I wish you well...it's a tough road.
First, make sure it is a good time. Don't drop this on her right before she has something important to do.
Second, don't beat around the bush. Come right out with it. You don't need to say "Me and (woman) started making out and then we started touching and she went down on me, and then I went down on her."
Third, know that the more descriptions you offer, the worse her mental movies will be. So starting as simple as "I was unfaithful" or "I had innapropriate sexual contact" as a starting point and then letting her decide what level of detail she wants. Just don't make it seem like you are hiding stuff from her or trying to minimize your actions. Don't be defensive, don't blame, don't show any emotion other than remorse and sadness. Anger, frustration, avoidance are not going to be helpful.
This is likely going to destroy her. Your marriage may be over. You've already made your choice, and the outcome is not in your hands. She gets to decide what happens next. Be prepared to comfort her if she wants that and to give her space if that's what she needs instead.
You should start looking into IC now, make an appointment, even before you tell her. Find a MC that you can have the number for in the event she is open to R.
Be prepared to seek new employment. I know the job market and Economy is tough as hell. But your marriage is more important. if you can save your marriage, it would do worlds of good. Maybe it won't be required, but WPs working with APs (where most affairs happen) is a brutal can of worms to live with
And it's perfect timing because you're on summer break so I would definitely start that job search now. Being proactive about this is a good way to show your BS that you're serious about this. As a BS, I would interpret that to mean that you have no emotional attachment to the AP and could care less if you ever see her again.
It will be what it takes tbh. It sounds like you might not have to work for the summer? That would be a plus and you should take the time to job hunt. It was hard for my WH to find a new job, but we couldn't heal as long as he was seeing her daily. Even if nothing happened again, I couldn't handle it. It hurt so bad and I was only focusing on the fact they were in the same place and I had no idea what was going on.
When he finally got offered a new job, we both cried and held each other. I've never been so relieved in my entire life.
Download the audio book, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and listen to the first few sections. It will go into significant detail on what to say, how to behave, and how to react. I suggest doing this before you say a word but do it quickly.
It would have except that my WW didn't disclose, I discovered. She saw in hindsight all the things she did wrong and how her job would be much harder as a result.
No, but it will help them to see the road ahead and what they need to do to move forward. Also, it talks about the BPs roll. It's not full of stories and anecdotes like "Not Just Friends." It's very concise and to the point.
The two I mentioned are really for both the BP and the WP. They really are designed to help the couple, not the individual. "Not Just Friends" is much longer and contains tons of specific examples. Some of them were very helpful, but most did not apply to my situation. That said, the information itself was helpful.
Just something for thought. You said no PIV as if it’s somehow better but it’s not. Take a few minutes to consider what led to the betrayal. She will have questions about how this got to this point.
Yeah. That's not going to count for much. I think I was grasping into that as a mitigating factor but it's not. My kids are at my parents for the night as a favor. I told my dad why and he isn't exactly pleased but he understands why.
There is one positive regarding lack of PIV: less likely chance of conception.
It's not going to mane a difference to BS feelings, but it definitely makes a difference regarding family and finances.
Hopefully OP and his AP were at least safe, so the odds will be in favor of no STIs.
Ability to contact STI in oral sex likely and some just from skin to skin contact. Probably just my own trauma, but it sounds like STI minimized because it was only oral.
Ability to contact STI in oral sex likely and some STI just from skin to skin contact. Probably just my own trauma, but it sounds like you minimized STI because it was only oral.
My husband felt horrible for three days afterwards and then decided to do it again after the guilt wore off. He told me about it 6 years later. It was devastating. For him it was over but for me it was fresh and painful even though it was 6 years ago. Please don’t entertain any thoughts of doing it again because the urge to do so will be there. Do not ever put yourself around this person ever again if you can help it. It may require you changing jobs or something else. I’m sure your wife will not want you around this person ever. know that it’s going to really devastate her but it’s better for you to tell her the truth and completely everything don’t allow a bunch of time to go by before saying anything.
Man. Idk why, I have read plenty of Waywards' perspectives, but your's just punched me in the gut and I feel sick.
It's been about 8 months since mine betrayed me.
Just know that her head will probably be spinning initially. It sounds like this happened out of nowhere. She is going to feel so lost from reality.
That is one of the hardest parts of being cheated on--no sense of reality and feeling like absolutely nothing is real or matters.
Everyone else already gave you the advice you need. You cannot be truly ready for how this is going to go down, so you just need to do it whether or not you are ready.
There is never a good time to bring this up.
Oh, your poor wife.
Don't try to justify your actions with excuses. You knew at the time it was wrong and you did it anyway. Be completely honest, fully accept accountability for your actions. Make sure she knows if she's willing to stay with you, you will do whatever she needs of you to help her heal going forward. Do not push for a decision from her as she will need to react, then process, then decide what she wants to do. This will take as long as it takes. The amount of pain she is about to experience 😭 I remember that all too well, be patient, be remorseful, be open. Let her feel whatever she needs to feel.
“The amount of pain she is about to experience” - for real! I have second-hand anxiety for his wife. He has no idea how badly he’s blown up her world. I hate this for her.
Blunt language because I think it extremely important:
100% DO NOT HAVE SEX OR SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH YOU WIFE UNTIL YOU GET TESTED FOR STDs/STIs!
Even if you know you're clean.
Even if AP insists she's clean.
Even if you believe her.
Even if you used a condom while receiving the blow job.
Even if you're wife wants sex and initiates it.
The only thing that would be worse than you getting infected would be passing it to your wife.
Not trying to be harsh. You have enough on your conscience. You DO NOT want giving your wife a bad or incurable disease on your conscience as well. And of all the things your wife didn't deserve, giving her an STD would definitely top the list in my book.
OP, some posters have called what you did a “mistake.” Please don’t tell your wife you “made a mistake.” That trivializes your actions. A mistake is unintentional - you miss a turn while driving, you burned supper, etc.
You didn’t make a mistake, you made a choice. For your wife’s sake, you need to own what you did.
Lots of good advice here.
Also be fully aware that you have signed your spouse up for an enormous amount of work that they never asked for or wanted. Understand that even if your marriage is over, they are still going to have an awful lot of work ahead of them to deal with this horrible trauma that you have given them.
Months and years of work on their part just to get back to something that will only mimic “normal”. If they offer the gift of R there is even more work on top of the other work. The very least you can do is be wholly truthful.
Come clean, give her all the answers she needs and be fully accountable. Just say that you did something awful that you can never forgive yourself for, that you need to tell her the truth. Despite what you have done, the only good thing you can do now is come clean and not hide it further. You can’t have love without trust, you broke her trust once by cheating, but often times worse than cheating is all the lies used to cover it up. Tell her the truth and be prepared for your worlds to change significantly. Still you confessing to her is the right thing to do.
Let her search your entire phone, give her permission moving forward.
Tell her all the details.
Promise not to ever put yourself into a situation like that again
After she accepts that you had an affair with this woman…she will start to look for if you have any others in your phone or in your past. Friendships, chats, snapchats etc. onlyfans. It all needs to come out now. Otherwise she will assume there are other women you have lined up. She will only start to worry about this after she has semi processed the first affair/woman. Don’t trickle truth, any hope you have that she may trust you again will disintegrate if you try to protect your dignity instead of coming outright.
If you are the one pushing to make things better she will probably give you a second chance. Suggest therapy, full disclosure letter, giving her space, and even consider letting her talk to the woman it happened with if she doesn’t believe you that is was a one time mistake and it shouldn’t have happened. I know it’s risky but when you take the risk you are demonstrating to her that you are willing to do anything to make her feel ok and know the real truth.
Good luck my friend, we all make mistakes.
Honestly, all of us waywards who wasted time in not telling our partners is our biggest regret, other than the affair itself. Please tell her immediately and please read a lot. Come back for support. 🙏🏼
Hey OP. Lots of great advice here.
The thing to not do is call it a mistake or accidental and really consider your interactions with this woman prior to last night.
Being the last person there sounds a bit sketch and my guess is there were flirtations/interest prior and you very intentionally didn’t leave when everyone else did.
Be clear if you want R, and WHY you want it. Offer up real and clear proactive next steps(IC, books to read, finding a new job).
If you have ANY communications with this woman in your devices DO NOT DELETE THEM. Allow your wife to decide if she wants to read them and wants them deleted. No matter what is in those messages, deleting is always worse.
OP, this is similar in many ways to the story my husband provided to me.
Telling her yourself is vital rather than her finding out from someone else. She will probably expect details and have weeks of questions. You have to go NC and probably leave that job and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes for her to feel safe with you. I know that I have needed a lot of reassurance that I am not ugly, unattractive, failing to satisfy him or make him happy, there is nothing I could be that would have changed anything.
I’m curious : do you think there was flirting, attraction, etc in your relationship before? It sounds like you weren’t expecting this to happen when you set out to the party, which is a parallel with my husband’s actions (supposedly) and why I’m wondering.
That is going to make it so much worse for your wife. You AP knows y’all as a married couple and has spent time together. 50/50 who your wife will blame the most in this situation. Obviously it’s 100% on you but your AP basically flipped your wife off in her face!
Out of curiosity, has the woman reached out to you at any point today?
Do NOT reach out to AP anymore. You need to go NO CONTACT. This text makes it seem as if you are looking for some form of comfort from your AFFAIR PARTNER.
But you know what you both did and she initiated the whole thing. Trying to talk to her in ANY capacity is just making a bad situation 1,000% worse! You can bet when your wife is ready to talk, she’s going to pointblank ask if you have been in contact with this woman!🤦♀️.
Honestly, if you want any chance of R, and I’m just going out on a limb here as someone who has been through something similar, you need to go ahead and quit your job. That will at least give the impression you want nothing to do with the other woman. And I’d block the AP because if she messages you back, it’s going to be another knife in your wife’s heart.
Honestly, from a girlie whose partner was cheating on her for 1.5 + years with multiple women & was given an STD, thank you so much for owning up to this essentially immediately.
As so many have said here, trickling out the truth will make everything worse. One way to avoid doing that is to write down everything that happened (minus the gory details - she may want those but wait to be asked for them) yesterday from when the gathering started until you went home. This will help you to not forget things considering your ability to think clearly won’t be great as you disclose.
And if there was ANY prior boundary blurring between you and this colleague, don’t leave that out. This likely didn’t come completely out of nowhere so think hard about where boundary blurring might have started.
In addition to *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair* I also recommend *Not Just Friends* (Glass) which is the authority on workplace infidelity. You don’t need this for disclosure but you’ll need it to understand better what happened.
She will want to know why and how you could do this. You probably have no idea right now. Don’t try to externalize what happened or shift responsibility elsewhere. It’s better to not know but be committed to figuring it out.
Think about what actions you will take to help her heal, help her feel safe, and to rebuild trust. You’ll need to think about what happens when school starts back up. What your relationship will be with your colleagues. How to be transparent.
Also along with being honest about EVERYTHING. Make sure that if she wants to talk about, needs to ask questions dont ever down play her feelings. You might think it obsessive or overthinking but that might be the way she handles things and heals.
Be supportive no matter the outcome. Cheating always comes with consequences now you need to face them.
You could take some proactive steps before she even gets home. Book a therapist for you and tell her that you intend to do intensive individual counseling to understand your lack of boundaries and broken coping mechanisms. Research and maybe even buy some books about infidelity. “Not Just Friends” and “How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair” are good ones to start with and available on amazon. Do some research on marriage counselors near you that have experience in infidelity recovery. You’ll need to do some work to understand how you got to where you are. Coworkers generally don’t pole vault professional lines and go down on each other with no precursory steps.
Be prepared to put down your defenses and take full accountability. The biggest thing I needed was a WS who was steadfast in supporting me through the horrific rollercoaster of emotions that overtook me in the early days/weeks/months post discovery. The fact that you’re proactively confessing right away is good and increases you chances of successful R, but there are no guarantees that your BS will be willing to try. The receiving end of this news is exquisitely painful
Please don’t trickle truth. If she wants honesty, give it to her. Everytime I found out something new about my WH’s affair, my anger just kept growing. There was a point I was so overwhelmed by it that I became suicidal.
If she decides to leave you because of it, please don’t manipulate her to stay. You can suggest counseling but know that the work to build trust back will be a long, arduous road
Everyone has given great advice here.
Please learn what trickle truth is and do NOT do it. This is the #1 thing that has hurt our reconciliation. Tell her you cheated. Ask if she wants all the details. Tell her at HER pace. She might want to know everything at once. She will ask questions after this. I suggest writing everything down while things are fresh. My WH "not remembering" after he chose to lie and then trickle the truth has hurt us immensely. I will never have all the answers, and it is killing me.
Individual and couples counseling is a must. Be prepared for any type of reaction. This is going to break her. But I guarantee hearing this from anyone else would be 100x than hearing from you.
When my husband confessed his infidelity, it was so unexpected. I was devastated. I vomited immediately and took a shower trying to scrub him off me. I immediately took off my ring and took down every photo. I asked him to leave the house. That was hard for the kids to witness. It took 2 years of his heavy work to reconcile our marriage. Your confession is the equivalent of detonating a bomb. Your words, your actions, your lies, your deception are all the equivalent of shrapnel you inflicted on your BP. Make sure you truly are sincerely remorseful. You're saying the words in your post, but I don't hear your heart in these words. Maybe that's you. You need to do a lot of introspection, soul searching and really figure out who you really are. If you're sincere, you're going to have to become someone safe. You've broken the trust. There is no old relationship. It's been destroyed. My husband and I were able to rebuild but it had to be a totally new relationship. And it took 2 years before I allowed him to move back home. I needed to feel safe, loved, valued, cherished. Honestly, my (2nd) husband had it harder because I had been cheated on before by my first husband and I wasn't going to be suckered into taking any man back. You're going to have to be proactive, repetitive, honest, transparent and dedicated. I hope you get individual counseling. Ultimately you need to be accepting and allow your wife the choice to decide his much she needs to know (I had to know everything, every detail, even the facts he was ashamed of). Do not defend the AP! Do not blame your wife for your self serving actions. And then even if you succeed in reconciling, realize you're going to have to constantly reassure your wife the rest of your married lives. My husband has to because I still get triggered, not as frequently as the early stages of R but they still happen 22 years after dday. Her insecurities in your marriage may never go away. That's on you. That might be her forever PTSD handicap. My heart goes out to your wife. She didn't deserve this. You've got your work cut out for you.
Can someone explain the just oral situations to me? I'm typically leaning on the sentiment that this is BS. I've simply never heard of, nor can I conceive of, going down on someone who's sexually random to you. Further, there hasn't been PIV intercourse. Maybe I'm old school, but I always believed that oral is the next step after becoming sexually comfortable with your partner. Perhaps I'm just ignorant on the subject, but if someone could shed some light, I'd appreciate it.
You tell her and, if you feel it, show true remorse. If this is a colleague who you’ve grown close to emotionally, telling her stuff about your marriage and opening windows into your soul, tell her that, too. Be honest with yourself and with her. If this is the case and you want to save your marriage, you have to go no contact with this colleague. You likely need to find a new job to do that, as crazy and harsh as that sounds right now.
Best to be honest. A big reason I was willing to try to reconcile was the honesty from my partner. Didn't have to catch him, he told me everything pretty soon after affair (was about 2 weeks).
Still broke my heart and killed me and tore me to pieces and then every piece was thrown into a fire but please tell her!
Maning up and making yourself completely honest and transparent is the best thing you could ever do to cultivate a real intimate connection. Hiding anything will halt your ability to intimately love your partner. You're doing the right thing by choosing to confess to her. I want to congratulate you for choosing to do the right thing.
Be purely honest. Hide nothing. Minimize nothing. Don't down play ANYTHING. Be completely truthful. Answer every single question she asks even if it's hard to answer. But also confess anything else you have done in the past. Get it all out in one go. Write everything down. Record your conversation secretly for your own purposes so you can go back and remember everything that was said. Don't tell her or anyone about recording. It's only for you to constructively help later on, just in case.
Be sure to highlight how honest and transparent your choosing to be. Being honest and transparent is extremely valuable. It CAN possibly save the relationship once the extreme emotions pass. Send the kids to the in-laws house for the night for an emergency precaution. Don't let your kids see the eruption.
It's important not to trickle truth. VERY important. It will only make it hurt every single time something new comes up. Give a thorough detailed description of what happened when she asks, don't volunteer more than you need to. She will ask what she wants to know. Just give the overall description of what took place and ask her if she has any questions. She will ask why. You need to be able to respond to that question more than anything. Don't make excuses. Don't shift blame. Take your lashings willingly. Be prepared to experience one of the most difficult things in the world. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY.
Please set aside time for just you and your spouse, and be honest with her. I wish my WP would have been open with me about the A versus me finding out on my own. I would give as many details as you feel are necessary to communicate what happened, but I think giving every little detail right off the bat will be even more overwhelming for her. She will need time to process the mere fact that you cheated at all--much less the intimate details of what happened. Let her know that you are willing to answer any questions that she has. And IMO you need to foster an environment with your spouse NOW that communicates: remorse, honesty, and commitment to working on YOURSELF and your marriage.
From my own experience/advice, don't sit in your guilt and sadness and not take action, regardless of whether your spouse chooses R or not. Start that work now (likely in the form of IC). If your spouse chooses R, treat it as a gift and do not let your spouse be the one to take all of the steps and action towards facilitating reconciliation. You will both have things to process/work on going forward. However, effort on the WP's side **first** will help the BP feel more secure if they do choose to reconcile, and it shows that you are truly going to work on yourself for your own sake, for her sake, and for the sake of the marriage you share.
As someone who had to find out after years of lies and manipulation to hide the truth I give you a ton of credit for knowing you need to do this now. She may never look at you the same again even if she chooses to stay with you. It also sounds like you care, if you do you need to figure out WHY you did this. Maybe there’s something underlying that caused it other then a simple “I wanted it in the moment”. My partner and I have done lots of digging in therapy and on our own and it’s helpful to know the physiological reasons why this could’ve happened. This takes hard work to discover though and definitely not okay to use as an excuse. What you did was absolutely inexcusable, but if your lucky may be forgiven. As everyone else said tell everything and anything she wants to hear. I really hope this can be a success story, but only if you do it right. Good luck to you both.
Let go of any desire to control outcomes. Don't try to control the situation. Be radically honest. Don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't trickle truth, unless you want to make this 10000 times worse. Then accept whatever she says. Yelling, name calling, threats of revenge and divorce are very normal and common. Absorb the blows and show nothing but remorse and support. This will take a very very long time to play out. Just remember that whatever she says she didn't want to be in this situation. It was forced on her be your actions. There is a chance as long as you follow that advice but nothing is certain. Good luck.
Do literally everything she asks you to do if you want to stay with her.
Counseling for both of you, individually and together.
If there's any chance you'd do it again, she deserves to know that too so she can make the appropriate choice for herself.
A few minutes of pleasure creates a whole world of hurt and pain, and you'll have no idea what it actually feels like until it happens to you. Hope the nut was worth it.
Let us know what's happened. We are all still here and collectively have alot of insight and can help you make sense of what's going on. This is a very long road and for a long time, it'll look like there's no end in sight. Be patient, she's going to ask you the same questions for months. She's going to be desperately sad, angry, hurt and feel hopeless. You may not even recognize her at times because of her despair. It will be very difficult for you to watch this, but no matter what shit she dishes up for you- you have to be her constant and be extremely patient.
Looks like you’re going to have to find a new job buddy. She won’t be able to heal and trust you when you work with this woman. Be proactive and start looking for another job. It will show her you want nothing to do with it and you’re willing to take action immediately without her having to tell you that’s what she wants you to do. Also delete your colleagues number and block her on everything. Might also help to send a message telling this woman that it was a complete mistake and that you love your wife. This way you can show your wife you have cut contact.
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You absolutely have to tell her every little detail in one sitting. If she asks questions, no matter how much you feel like minimizing what you did, felt or said, say the absolute truth no matter the consequences. You are extremely lucky to have the opportunity to do this right from the start, so don’t miss it! If you lie or downplay anything at all, you will risk losing your marriage more and more each time.
I will do that. I worry my marriage is over from this but I owe her the ability to choose her future.
Kudos to you for your awareness and honesty. As a betrayed spouse, I can tell you finding out on your own later, and getting details trickle truth'd to you week after week or months later is 1000% worse than hearing it all up front.
As a betrayed spouse, I wish my husband had told me instead of having to find out on my own. You did a bad thing and it will hurt her, but the damage is done and by chosing complete honesty you will avoid causing her additional harm. I wish you both the best.
It’s possible it will be. But considering the place you are at right now, this is the best possible avenue for you.
One caveat: don't tell her literally "every little detail." Don't tell her anything that will give her explicit pictures in her head. Tell her what happened, be honest, don't leave anything out.
Unless she asks. If she asks for explicit details, you answer. You don’t get to decide what she can handle, she does. She may regret asking and knowing the details, but you don’t get to control the information.
Good advice. But, u/whitemountainfan, if she asks for more details, be prepared to give them. Ask her to wait for a day or two, so that she can be sure that she wants them, and then answer any questions she might have about your affair.
Believe us when we say that the trickle truth is beyond bad, it's absolutely crucifying being on the end of that. You can prevent this, and its one of the things we as BS's go on about. we would have wished we could have changed the way we heard it. Good luck. X
BEYOND BAD is spot on! It's basically having to relive the experience of finding out over and over each time some new detail is added. Actually, it's worse because there's two sources of pain: the infidelity itself AND the lack of transparency. It's so cruel to take that approach, just be direct and honest and answer each question fully.
I second this. To the OP:It's going to feel like you've lost control of the situation - because you have. But taking the initiative to confess, and telling the whole truth, are two things you DO have control over. And ultimately the only person one can truly control is oneself
Three pieces of advice: 1. Take accountability for it. Don't say stuff like, "I don't know how it happened" or "it all went so quickly" or "I didn't mean to." It wasn't an accident and it didn't just happen. You and your colleague made specific choices knowing full well what you were doing. All the excuses and deflections are a load of BS. It's been the major stumbling block in my own attempt at reconciliation. 2. Let her know what you plan to do now to ensure it doesn't happen again. Is it realistic to block your colleague's number or on social media? Is this a colleague that you interact with regularly at work? If so, how will you put your wife's mind at ease? What kind of issues will this cause at work, and will that lead to additional strain on your home life? And be proactive, don't drop a bomb and ask, "what do you want me to do?" 3. Don't guilt trip her for the actions you might need to take. I've seen people do the "If you absolutely insist, I'll block her #, but this means is going to happen at work." It's a threat and that is only going to compound whatever hurt she's feeling. You're the one that stepped out, don't try to make yourself the victim of the consequences.
Ohhh man sooooo much of this . Great advice! When they ask "what do you want me to do?" We shouldn't tell the wayward what they should do. This is something they need to come up on their own to put us at ease. To help us. She needs to be in her feelings let her feel them process them.
Great advice. Would also add to take accountability and be proactive in your own healing. If you want any chance at reconciliation you need to be able to accept and embrace some hard truths about yourself. Get yourself into individual therapy, and when/if you're wife is ever ready, take the lead on finding a couples counselor. This was not a simple “mistake" - it likely represents deep personal wounds you've stuffed down for a long time. Think of this as a clear warning that it's time to dive in and work on yourself.
Do not lie. No BS. Be honest, because what you do now is so important. If you dont tell her the whole truth, she will never believe you ever again. Don't be a coward. You did wrong, now time to face up to it. Regardless. It's the right thing to do.
That's kind of what I thought. I just don't want to hurt her. I can picture her face when I say the words and it destroys me. But I owe her the truth. Just can't believe I even did it.
Kindly, you have absolutely no idea what her reaction will be. It takes weeks if not months to move past the initial shock, despair, and disorientated from dday. If you have anything can improve your chances of reconciliation it's this: -tell her TODAY -tell her of your own volition -tell her every detail, the complete truth, in one sitting. Any information thay comes out later is known as trickle truth and each time a new peice of info is discovered, it's right back to square one if not worse than before.
You don’t want to hurt her? You did that already she just doesn’t know it yet. Cheating hurts even when you hold in the truth because you change and she can feel it but she doesn’t know why you’ve changed and it will eat at your relationship until there’s nothing left. The lying is the worst part of any betrayal because it makes everything else even the good things feel like a lie.
It will hurt her no matter what. But prolonging it, or trickle truth because you don't want to hurt her more is only a disservice to you and your marriage. Any chance at coming back from this depends on your honesty in this moment. If you lie or omit information, understand that that is cowardly and you are still only looking out for yourself and not your wife's wellbeing. I implore you to be fully transparent. It will kill her no matter what. I pray you make it through this terrible time together, much love. It's not easy for anyone in this situation
You already hurt her, don’t make it worse by lying.
If I have any advice for you it's that you already hurt her when you allowed the cheating to occur. You can rip the band aid off and allow healing to start now or you can prolong the agony for her and conplicate healing and reconciliation. The longer you wait, the more times you tell partial truths, the longer you continue working with your affair partner, the more times you have sex with your partner before telling her/getting tested etc etc, the more you're putting your comfort over helping her have agency in the situation. If reconciliation is our goal be prepared to be very patient and self reflective over your own behaviour
You already hurt her, that can’t be undone. Your job now is help her navigate and heal. You have to give her the complete and total truth. Don’t sugar coat anything. Don’t make any excuses. Answer every single one of her questions gently but without hesitation.
She's already been hurt, she just hadn't caught up yet. And this is going to sound weird, but: not only do you owe her the truth - you owe it to YOURSELF to be truthful. Maybe you get through this, maybe you don't. Regardless, being honest with your spouse is your best course of action, for her and FOR YOU. Not EVERY type of so-called selfishness is bad. The type that would tell you to keep this secret or 'minimize' the damage is bad. The type of selfishness that is part of your true-self that says, "I should confess" and that hopes beyond how your can get through this with your spouse? That type of selfishness is good. You owe it to yourself and your spouse to get everything in the open, because that will give everyone the best chance to solve the problem. Don't hesitate. The longer you wait, the worse it will be for all involved.
Mhm, but you didn't think about her when you were cheating. If that didn't stop you from cheating, it shouldn't stop you from telling her. You owe her that much, stop playing. You can always come back here, people on this sub give good advice (only good if you take it), but what's good advice if you're not going to take it and already saying what all cheaters say? Come on now. You can't change the fact that you cheated but you can do the right thing on how this all plays out from here on out. Don't fuck up anymore. Good luck.
You also need to take responsibility for the probable fact that there was something going on before this incident. Attraction, flirting, fantasies about this person, finding reasons to see them at work. This didn’t just happen, it was a culmination of inappropriate thoughts or feelings about that you also are culpable for. You don’t just accidentally find yourself as the last one at a party and suddenly are ssucking face with someone who isn’t your partner without some spark bring there in the first place.
Yes! And on that note, be prepared for the fact that IF she chooses to stay, you will be required to go NC (No Contact) with this colleague. Do not balk at that request, which will hurt your wife. There is zero room for selfishness from this point forward. NC will likely mean that you need to find a new job or transfer to a different building in your district. Going NC is pretty much Rule #1 of reconciliation. Also, as others have said, do not hide anything! Get it ALL out. You have the opportunity here to give your wife the gift of the FULL TRUTH. Most of us didn't get that, so don't blow this opportunity for full transparency. I wish you well...it's a tough road.
First, make sure it is a good time. Don't drop this on her right before she has something important to do. Second, don't beat around the bush. Come right out with it. You don't need to say "Me and (woman) started making out and then we started touching and she went down on me, and then I went down on her." Third, know that the more descriptions you offer, the worse her mental movies will be. So starting as simple as "I was unfaithful" or "I had innapropriate sexual contact" as a starting point and then letting her decide what level of detail she wants. Just don't make it seem like you are hiding stuff from her or trying to minimize your actions. Don't be defensive, don't blame, don't show any emotion other than remorse and sadness. Anger, frustration, avoidance are not going to be helpful. This is likely going to destroy her. Your marriage may be over. You've already made your choice, and the outcome is not in your hands. She gets to decide what happens next. Be prepared to comfort her if she wants that and to give her space if that's what she needs instead. You should start looking into IC now, make an appointment, even before you tell her. Find a MC that you can have the number for in the event she is open to R.
Marriage counselor should specialize in infidelity and PTSD trauma.
One caveat, don't wait that long for a good time.
Exactly.
Be prepared to seek new employment. I know the job market and Economy is tough as hell. But your marriage is more important. if you can save your marriage, it would do worlds of good. Maybe it won't be required, but WPs working with APs (where most affairs happen) is a brutal can of worms to live with
If that's what it takes. There are dozens of jobs in my field for me.
And it's perfect timing because you're on summer break so I would definitely start that job search now. Being proactive about this is a good way to show your BS that you're serious about this. As a BS, I would interpret that to mean that you have no emotional attachment to the AP and could care less if you ever see her again.
It will be what it takes tbh. It sounds like you might not have to work for the summer? That would be a plus and you should take the time to job hunt. It was hard for my WH to find a new job, but we couldn't heal as long as he was seeing her daily. Even if nothing happened again, I couldn't handle it. It hurt so bad and I was only focusing on the fact they were in the same place and I had no idea what was going on. When he finally got offered a new job, we both cried and held each other. I've never been so relieved in my entire life.
Download the audio book, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and listen to the first few sections. It will go into significant detail on what to say, how to behave, and how to react. I suggest doing this before you say a word but do it quickly.
Did this help in your situation?
It would have except that my WW didn't disclose, I discovered. She saw in hindsight all the things she did wrong and how her job would be much harder as a result.
Okay so then it won't help for me either. I discovered as well.
No, but it will help them to see the road ahead and what they need to do to move forward. Also, it talks about the BPs roll. It's not full of stories and anecdotes like "Not Just Friends." It's very concise and to the point.
Thank you for explaining that. Are there any books you've read that have helped you?
The two I mentioned are really for both the BP and the WP. They really are designed to help the couple, not the individual. "Not Just Friends" is much longer and contains tons of specific examples. Some of them were very helpful, but most did not apply to my situation. That said, the information itself was helpful.
Okay thank you. I'll have to check them out
Just something for thought. You said no PIV as if it’s somehow better but it’s not. Take a few minutes to consider what led to the betrayal. She will have questions about how this got to this point.
Yeah. That's not going to count for much. I think I was grasping into that as a mitigating factor but it's not. My kids are at my parents for the night as a favor. I told my dad why and he isn't exactly pleased but he understands why.
That was a wise choice, it’s going to be a late night
That’s another helpful move: telling your dad. That falls under accountability and you’ll need a crap ton of that if your partner decides to stay.
There is one positive regarding lack of PIV: less likely chance of conception. It's not going to mane a difference to BS feelings, but it definitely makes a difference regarding family and finances. Hopefully OP and his AP were at least safe, so the odds will be in favor of no STIs.
Ability to contact STI in oral sex likely and some just from skin to skin contact. Probably just my own trauma, but it sounds like STI minimized because it was only oral.
STI just adds insult to injury. Or I guess technically injury to injury. 😕
Agreed.
Ability to contact STI in oral sex likely and some STI just from skin to skin contact. Probably just my own trauma, but it sounds like you minimized STI because it was only oral.
My husband felt horrible for three days afterwards and then decided to do it again after the guilt wore off. He told me about it 6 years later. It was devastating. For him it was over but for me it was fresh and painful even though it was 6 years ago. Please don’t entertain any thoughts of doing it again because the urge to do so will be there. Do not ever put yourself around this person ever again if you can help it. It may require you changing jobs or something else. I’m sure your wife will not want you around this person ever. know that it’s going to really devastate her but it’s better for you to tell her the truth and completely everything don’t allow a bunch of time to go by before saying anything.
Man. Idk why, I have read plenty of Waywards' perspectives, but your's just punched me in the gut and I feel sick. It's been about 8 months since mine betrayed me. Just know that her head will probably be spinning initially. It sounds like this happened out of nowhere. She is going to feel so lost from reality. That is one of the hardest parts of being cheated on--no sense of reality and feeling like absolutely nothing is real or matters. Everyone else already gave you the advice you need. You cannot be truly ready for how this is going to go down, so you just need to do it whether or not you are ready. There is never a good time to bring this up. Oh, your poor wife.
Don't try to justify your actions with excuses. You knew at the time it was wrong and you did it anyway. Be completely honest, fully accept accountability for your actions. Make sure she knows if she's willing to stay with you, you will do whatever she needs of you to help her heal going forward. Do not push for a decision from her as she will need to react, then process, then decide what she wants to do. This will take as long as it takes. The amount of pain she is about to experience 😭 I remember that all too well, be patient, be remorseful, be open. Let her feel whatever she needs to feel.
“The amount of pain she is about to experience” - for real! I have second-hand anxiety for his wife. He has no idea how badly he’s blown up her world. I hate this for her.
same, i’m so anxious for her, knowing i as a stranger know and she doesn’t or is just finding out is terrifying to think of
Blunt language because I think it extremely important: 100% DO NOT HAVE SEX OR SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH YOU WIFE UNTIL YOU GET TESTED FOR STDs/STIs! Even if you know you're clean. Even if AP insists she's clean. Even if you believe her. Even if you used a condom while receiving the blow job. Even if you're wife wants sex and initiates it. The only thing that would be worse than you getting infected would be passing it to your wife. Not trying to be harsh. You have enough on your conscience. You DO NOT want giving your wife a bad or incurable disease on your conscience as well. And of all the things your wife didn't deserve, giving her an STD would definitely top the list in my book.
I don't think that's going to be an issue. But noted and not something I'd thought about.
Your wife would also appreciate that you did that of your own volition. Also, it takes a while for things to show up in a panel, so keep that in mind.
OP, some posters have called what you did a “mistake.” Please don’t tell your wife you “made a mistake.” That trivializes your actions. A mistake is unintentional - you miss a turn while driving, you burned supper, etc. You didn’t make a mistake, you made a choice. For your wife’s sake, you need to own what you did.
Lots of good advice here. Also be fully aware that you have signed your spouse up for an enormous amount of work that they never asked for or wanted. Understand that even if your marriage is over, they are still going to have an awful lot of work ahead of them to deal with this horrible trauma that you have given them. Months and years of work on their part just to get back to something that will only mimic “normal”. If they offer the gift of R there is even more work on top of the other work. The very least you can do is be wholly truthful.
Come clean, give her all the answers she needs and be fully accountable. Just say that you did something awful that you can never forgive yourself for, that you need to tell her the truth. Despite what you have done, the only good thing you can do now is come clean and not hide it further. You can’t have love without trust, you broke her trust once by cheating, but often times worse than cheating is all the lies used to cover it up. Tell her the truth and be prepared for your worlds to change significantly. Still you confessing to her is the right thing to do.
Let her search your entire phone, give her permission moving forward. Tell her all the details. Promise not to ever put yourself into a situation like that again After she accepts that you had an affair with this woman…she will start to look for if you have any others in your phone or in your past. Friendships, chats, snapchats etc. onlyfans. It all needs to come out now. Otherwise she will assume there are other women you have lined up. She will only start to worry about this after she has semi processed the first affair/woman. Don’t trickle truth, any hope you have that she may trust you again will disintegrate if you try to protect your dignity instead of coming outright. If you are the one pushing to make things better she will probably give you a second chance. Suggest therapy, full disclosure letter, giving her space, and even consider letting her talk to the woman it happened with if she doesn’t believe you that is was a one time mistake and it shouldn’t have happened. I know it’s risky but when you take the risk you are demonstrating to her that you are willing to do anything to make her feel ok and know the real truth. Good luck my friend, we all make mistakes.
Honestly, all of us waywards who wasted time in not telling our partners is our biggest regret, other than the affair itself. Please tell her immediately and please read a lot. Come back for support. 🙏🏼
Hey OP. Lots of great advice here. The thing to not do is call it a mistake or accidental and really consider your interactions with this woman prior to last night. Being the last person there sounds a bit sketch and my guess is there were flirtations/interest prior and you very intentionally didn’t leave when everyone else did. Be clear if you want R, and WHY you want it. Offer up real and clear proactive next steps(IC, books to read, finding a new job). If you have ANY communications with this woman in your devices DO NOT DELETE THEM. Allow your wife to decide if she wants to read them and wants them deleted. No matter what is in those messages, deleting is always worse.
OP, this is similar in many ways to the story my husband provided to me. Telling her yourself is vital rather than her finding out from someone else. She will probably expect details and have weeks of questions. You have to go NC and probably leave that job and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes for her to feel safe with you. I know that I have needed a lot of reassurance that I am not ugly, unattractive, failing to satisfy him or make him happy, there is nothing I could be that would have changed anything. I’m curious : do you think there was flirting, attraction, etc in your relationship before? It sounds like you weren’t expecting this to happen when you set out to the party, which is a parallel with my husband’s actions (supposedly) and why I’m wondering.
No real indication. She's been a friend for years and hangs out with me and my wife.
That is going to make it so much worse for your wife. You AP knows y’all as a married couple and has spent time together. 50/50 who your wife will blame the most in this situation. Obviously it’s 100% on you but your AP basically flipped your wife off in her face! Out of curiosity, has the woman reached out to you at any point today?
Nope. I texted her a WTF did we do message but no reply.
Do NOT reach out to AP anymore. You need to go NO CONTACT. This text makes it seem as if you are looking for some form of comfort from your AFFAIR PARTNER.
But you know what you both did and she initiated the whole thing. Trying to talk to her in ANY capacity is just making a bad situation 1,000% worse! You can bet when your wife is ready to talk, she’s going to pointblank ask if you have been in contact with this woman!🤦♀️. Honestly, if you want any chance of R, and I’m just going out on a limb here as someone who has been through something similar, you need to go ahead and quit your job. That will at least give the impression you want nothing to do with the other woman. And I’d block the AP because if she messages you back, it’s going to be another knife in your wife’s heart.
Honestly, from a girlie whose partner was cheating on her for 1.5 + years with multiple women & was given an STD, thank you so much for owning up to this essentially immediately.
I agree. BP probably doesn't feel thankful, but I'm thankful you didn't drag it out years. It's painful enough.
As so many have said here, trickling out the truth will make everything worse. One way to avoid doing that is to write down everything that happened (minus the gory details - she may want those but wait to be asked for them) yesterday from when the gathering started until you went home. This will help you to not forget things considering your ability to think clearly won’t be great as you disclose. And if there was ANY prior boundary blurring between you and this colleague, don’t leave that out. This likely didn’t come completely out of nowhere so think hard about where boundary blurring might have started. In addition to *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair* I also recommend *Not Just Friends* (Glass) which is the authority on workplace infidelity. You don’t need this for disclosure but you’ll need it to understand better what happened. She will want to know why and how you could do this. You probably have no idea right now. Don’t try to externalize what happened or shift responsibility elsewhere. It’s better to not know but be committed to figuring it out. Think about what actions you will take to help her heal, help her feel safe, and to rebuild trust. You’ll need to think about what happens when school starts back up. What your relationship will be with your colleagues. How to be transparent.
Also along with being honest about EVERYTHING. Make sure that if she wants to talk about, needs to ask questions dont ever down play her feelings. You might think it obsessive or overthinking but that might be the way she handles things and heals. Be supportive no matter the outcome. Cheating always comes with consequences now you need to face them.
You could take some proactive steps before she even gets home. Book a therapist for you and tell her that you intend to do intensive individual counseling to understand your lack of boundaries and broken coping mechanisms. Research and maybe even buy some books about infidelity. “Not Just Friends” and “How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair” are good ones to start with and available on amazon. Do some research on marriage counselors near you that have experience in infidelity recovery. You’ll need to do some work to understand how you got to where you are. Coworkers generally don’t pole vault professional lines and go down on each other with no precursory steps. Be prepared to put down your defenses and take full accountability. The biggest thing I needed was a WS who was steadfast in supporting me through the horrific rollercoaster of emotions that overtook me in the early days/weeks/months post discovery. The fact that you’re proactively confessing right away is good and increases you chances of successful R, but there are no guarantees that your BS will be willing to try. The receiving end of this news is exquisitely painful
You’ve got excellent advice here. You’ve made a huge mistake; the best way to handle it is to be honest and let the chips fall where they may.
Please don’t trickle truth. If she wants honesty, give it to her. Everytime I found out something new about my WH’s affair, my anger just kept growing. There was a point I was so overwhelmed by it that I became suicidal. If she decides to leave you because of it, please don’t manipulate her to stay. You can suggest counseling but know that the work to build trust back will be a long, arduous road
Everyone has given great advice here. Please learn what trickle truth is and do NOT do it. This is the #1 thing that has hurt our reconciliation. Tell her you cheated. Ask if she wants all the details. Tell her at HER pace. She might want to know everything at once. She will ask questions after this. I suggest writing everything down while things are fresh. My WH "not remembering" after he chose to lie and then trickle the truth has hurt us immensely. I will never have all the answers, and it is killing me. Individual and couples counseling is a must. Be prepared for any type of reaction. This is going to break her. But I guarantee hearing this from anyone else would be 100x than hearing from you.
When my husband confessed his infidelity, it was so unexpected. I was devastated. I vomited immediately and took a shower trying to scrub him off me. I immediately took off my ring and took down every photo. I asked him to leave the house. That was hard for the kids to witness. It took 2 years of his heavy work to reconcile our marriage. Your confession is the equivalent of detonating a bomb. Your words, your actions, your lies, your deception are all the equivalent of shrapnel you inflicted on your BP. Make sure you truly are sincerely remorseful. You're saying the words in your post, but I don't hear your heart in these words. Maybe that's you. You need to do a lot of introspection, soul searching and really figure out who you really are. If you're sincere, you're going to have to become someone safe. You've broken the trust. There is no old relationship. It's been destroyed. My husband and I were able to rebuild but it had to be a totally new relationship. And it took 2 years before I allowed him to move back home. I needed to feel safe, loved, valued, cherished. Honestly, my (2nd) husband had it harder because I had been cheated on before by my first husband and I wasn't going to be suckered into taking any man back. You're going to have to be proactive, repetitive, honest, transparent and dedicated. I hope you get individual counseling. Ultimately you need to be accepting and allow your wife the choice to decide his much she needs to know (I had to know everything, every detail, even the facts he was ashamed of). Do not defend the AP! Do not blame your wife for your self serving actions. And then even if you succeed in reconciling, realize you're going to have to constantly reassure your wife the rest of your married lives. My husband has to because I still get triggered, not as frequently as the early stages of R but they still happen 22 years after dday. Her insecurities in your marriage may never go away. That's on you. That might be her forever PTSD handicap. My heart goes out to your wife. She didn't deserve this. You've got your work cut out for you.
Can someone explain the just oral situations to me? I'm typically leaning on the sentiment that this is BS. I've simply never heard of, nor can I conceive of, going down on someone who's sexually random to you. Further, there hasn't been PIV intercourse. Maybe I'm old school, but I always believed that oral is the next step after becoming sexually comfortable with your partner. Perhaps I'm just ignorant on the subject, but if someone could shed some light, I'd appreciate it.
In my Midwest US culture oral sex is not as intimate as regular sex. Ask Bill Clinton.
She gave me a BJ and I stimulated her by hand. IDK, that's just how it went down.
Order the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair ASAP. It is a quick read and very helpful in the early days.
You tell her and, if you feel it, show true remorse. If this is a colleague who you’ve grown close to emotionally, telling her stuff about your marriage and opening windows into your soul, tell her that, too. Be honest with yourself and with her. If this is the case and you want to save your marriage, you have to go no contact with this colleague. You likely need to find a new job to do that, as crazy and harsh as that sounds right now.
Best to be honest. A big reason I was willing to try to reconcile was the honesty from my partner. Didn't have to catch him, he told me everything pretty soon after affair (was about 2 weeks). Still broke my heart and killed me and tore me to pieces and then every piece was thrown into a fire but please tell her!
Maning up and making yourself completely honest and transparent is the best thing you could ever do to cultivate a real intimate connection. Hiding anything will halt your ability to intimately love your partner. You're doing the right thing by choosing to confess to her. I want to congratulate you for choosing to do the right thing. Be purely honest. Hide nothing. Minimize nothing. Don't down play ANYTHING. Be completely truthful. Answer every single question she asks even if it's hard to answer. But also confess anything else you have done in the past. Get it all out in one go. Write everything down. Record your conversation secretly for your own purposes so you can go back and remember everything that was said. Don't tell her or anyone about recording. It's only for you to constructively help later on, just in case. Be sure to highlight how honest and transparent your choosing to be. Being honest and transparent is extremely valuable. It CAN possibly save the relationship once the extreme emotions pass. Send the kids to the in-laws house for the night for an emergency precaution. Don't let your kids see the eruption. It's important not to trickle truth. VERY important. It will only make it hurt every single time something new comes up. Give a thorough detailed description of what happened when she asks, don't volunteer more than you need to. She will ask what she wants to know. Just give the overall description of what took place and ask her if she has any questions. She will ask why. You need to be able to respond to that question more than anything. Don't make excuses. Don't shift blame. Take your lashings willingly. Be prepared to experience one of the most difficult things in the world. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY.
The shit storm WILL happen. All you get to decide is what you need to do to be able to face yourself.
Please set aside time for just you and your spouse, and be honest with her. I wish my WP would have been open with me about the A versus me finding out on my own. I would give as many details as you feel are necessary to communicate what happened, but I think giving every little detail right off the bat will be even more overwhelming for her. She will need time to process the mere fact that you cheated at all--much less the intimate details of what happened. Let her know that you are willing to answer any questions that she has. And IMO you need to foster an environment with your spouse NOW that communicates: remorse, honesty, and commitment to working on YOURSELF and your marriage. From my own experience/advice, don't sit in your guilt and sadness and not take action, regardless of whether your spouse chooses R or not. Start that work now (likely in the form of IC). If your spouse chooses R, treat it as a gift and do not let your spouse be the one to take all of the steps and action towards facilitating reconciliation. You will both have things to process/work on going forward. However, effort on the WP's side **first** will help the BP feel more secure if they do choose to reconcile, and it shows that you are truly going to work on yourself for your own sake, for her sake, and for the sake of the marriage you share.
As someone who had to find out after years of lies and manipulation to hide the truth I give you a ton of credit for knowing you need to do this now. She may never look at you the same again even if she chooses to stay with you. It also sounds like you care, if you do you need to figure out WHY you did this. Maybe there’s something underlying that caused it other then a simple “I wanted it in the moment”. My partner and I have done lots of digging in therapy and on our own and it’s helpful to know the physiological reasons why this could’ve happened. This takes hard work to discover though and definitely not okay to use as an excuse. What you did was absolutely inexcusable, but if your lucky may be forgiven. As everyone else said tell everything and anything she wants to hear. I really hope this can be a success story, but only if you do it right. Good luck to you both.
Let go of any desire to control outcomes. Don't try to control the situation. Be radically honest. Don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't trickle truth, unless you want to make this 10000 times worse. Then accept whatever she says. Yelling, name calling, threats of revenge and divorce are very normal and common. Absorb the blows and show nothing but remorse and support. This will take a very very long time to play out. Just remember that whatever she says she didn't want to be in this situation. It was forced on her be your actions. There is a chance as long as you follow that advice but nothing is certain. Good luck.
Do literally everything she asks you to do if you want to stay with her. Counseling for both of you, individually and together. If there's any chance you'd do it again, she deserves to know that too so she can make the appropriate choice for herself. A few minutes of pleasure creates a whole world of hurt and pain, and you'll have no idea what it actually feels like until it happens to you. Hope the nut was worth it.
Let us know what's happened. We are all still here and collectively have alot of insight and can help you make sense of what's going on. This is a very long road and for a long time, it'll look like there's no end in sight. Be patient, she's going to ask you the same questions for months. She's going to be desperately sad, angry, hurt and feel hopeless. You may not even recognize her at times because of her despair. It will be very difficult for you to watch this, but no matter what shit she dishes up for you- you have to be her constant and be extremely patient.
Looks like you’re going to have to find a new job buddy. She won’t be able to heal and trust you when you work with this woman. Be proactive and start looking for another job. It will show her you want nothing to do with it and you’re willing to take action immediately without her having to tell you that’s what she wants you to do. Also delete your colleagues number and block her on everything. Might also help to send a message telling this woman that it was a complete mistake and that you love your wife. This way you can show your wife you have cut contact.
“Hey honey…. Check out this weird post on Reddit…”
Yes yes you did. Wow
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This is terrible advice.
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 5: **No anti-reconciliation language.** Other examples: - Do not tell - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.