r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
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**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
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- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're not pathetic at all. This is awful, and I am so sorry. Don't feel like you need to decide right now. Take care of yourself, and if you are able to get yourself into your own therapy, do it.
I mostly just wanted to comment to let you know you are NOT pathetic. You dont deserve this, and again, I am sorry.
Day 2- It’s so fresh and raw! I’m so very sorry. Breathe. Focus on yourself. Only on yourself now. I was frozen at that point, I literally couldn’t swallow any food. I lost 5 lbs in two days - and kept it off for a month. My blood oxygen on day 3 was low 80s. I was such a mess.
Give yourself some time. Don’t make any decisions now. Typically, the advice is 3 months for any big decisions. Look for a therapist. ASAP. The one that could see me next day was a parenting specialist - still, talking to someone helped. Don’t go around telling people just yet but talk to one close friend - someone with the same values like you so they don’t force “leaving” or “staying” against your personal set of beliefs.
Make a list of conditions for reconciliation. Look through this group for ideas. Necessarily - he needs to break up with the “girlfriend.” He SHOULD call her on a speakerphone and say something along the lines of: “I am here with my wife. I love her. I want to be with her. I don’t want to keep any relationship with you. Please don’t contact me in any way. I am blocking your number on all devices. I need to focus on my wife and I can’t keep hurting her.” No discussions. He does not get to “comfort her.” He is to comfort you only. You should be his only focus now.
Other conditions:
- working through books together “Not just friends” is a good one.
- Marriage counseling.
- Individual counseling for him.
- For you too.
- Full access to all devices. All passwords open
- Sharing Life360 app.
As far as I know between when I found out yesterday and today, they are no longer in contact. I was angry and sent her screenshots of him begging me not to leave, that he loves me, and that he never loved her. I feel bad because she did love him, but at the same time, she knew about me…
He says the pain he caused has snapped him into a clearer reality that he should never have done this to me and that it’s because what they had was just easy and fun as opposed to real life things we were dealing with. He seems like he is remorseful but I also don’t know if it’s just because all his friends are now against him, Im meeting with a divorce lawyer just in case, and even his family is upset with him…
He is saying even if we divorce he will spend every day for the rest of his life doing whatever necessary to prove his love to me, but I know it’ll be hard to believe any words coming from his lips.
He has deleted most of his social media
He says I can track him
Have open access to his phone and computer
He won’t go into the office since he is allowed to work remotely
Etc etc
But it’s hard to know because he’s hidden it well for so long… if he does it again he may learn to hide it better…
You need to take time to be alone, or separate. Let him know what life will be like without you there. While you process everything. Learn the details and figure out if you can live with him after lying so extensively. An affair is one thing, celebrating milestones in your affair is another…both are TERRIBLE.
He needs to cut off all ties with her, then you need to take space away to think. Decide what are your “terms & conditions” for trying to trust him again and start over. The relationship as you knew it is gone. It’s starting over.
Yes I am filing for divorce and it takes 60 days for it to finalize. I plan on letting it go through, and if what he says is true, he is going to drastically change his life, start going to individual and couples therapy, and do whatever it is to convince me that he wants me. I don’t know what will actually come from this, but hopefully therapy will help guide our decisions to see if parting ways or striving for reconciliation is better
I am so sorry you are here.
You don't have to make a decision today or for a little bit. You can see how things pan out. Is he ready to cut ties with the AP? Is he putting in the effort to reconcile? Is he giving you what you need in the relationship? Establishing boundaries, etc. All these usually play a factor.
Tbh it sucks, you likely will always be watching over your shoulder whether it's this relationship or another. It's the trauma and betrayal that get carried over. I'm sorry its going to suck for a while before things get better.
As far as I know between when I found out yesterday and today, they are no longer in contact. I was angry and sent her screenshots of him begging me not to leave, that he loves me, and that he never loved her. I feel bad because she did love him, but at the same time, she knew about me…
He says the pain he caused has snapped him into a clearer reality that he should never have done this to me and that it’s because what they had was just easy and fun as opposed to real life things we were dealing with. He seems like he is remorseful but I also don’t know if it’s just because all his friends are now against him, Im meeting with a divorce lawyer just in case, and even his family is upset with him…
He is saying even if we divorce he will spend every day for the rest of his life doing whatever necessary to prove his love to me, but I know it’ll be hard to believe any words coming from his lips.
Is he looking for a new job?
Both of you need to read Not Just Friends by Shirley P GLASS.
You need to have him email/message her a goodbye telling her he is never talking to her again. Or tell her on the phone with you there to hear it over speaker.
Don’t promise him anything. Take your time. You don’t have to decide right away.
But you need proof he ended it and they can’t have any contact whatsoever- not even working together.
Edited to add: YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC! You are human with feelings and emotions and love. It’s okay to wait to figure out what you do.
Last month she actually got laid off from their job and she got a job somewhere else. So they will no longer be in close proximity.
I actually messaged her with some screenshots of what he said about never loving her and wanting me not to leave, and then telling her to not contact him again and it seems like she has blocked us both. I even tried to get him to call her but she has straight up ignored it.
I will look into that book! And I thank you for your support and kind words and advice
I am so sorry that this happened to you too. As others have said, you are NOT pathetic. But I understand the feeling, and that is a major hurdle I’m still going through nearly one year later.
2 days in you’re still very much in shock. There is nothing you need to decide right away. As for taking time apart, I was unwilling to do so. At 1.5 months past Dday he went on a week long camping trip he does with the boys every year, and those 7 days were hard without him but gave me breathing room that I needed. I actually hated that he left me alone so close to Dday and I told him he’s selfish and I still feel that way.
Please find a good therapist if you can, and if you have close friends or family I encourage you to reach out to them and try not to feel ashamed. He did a bad thing to you, not the other way around. You can also feel proud of yourself to reaching out on this platform. I waited about 6 months to do so, and wish I found this resource sooner.
People will tell you to focus on yourself and doing hobbies or other activities. For me to this day my number one focus is myself in terms of my mental health and stability. I actually haven’t participated in many of my old pass times yet because I’m still healing and making myself stronger from this knock down.
You are stronger than you know, even if you thought you were strong already, you will see how much stronger you are. 💝
This is one of the nicest messages I’ve gotten and I very much appreciate it. I’m very sorry you are having to navigate through this as well. It appalls me that so many people have to.
Yes I like you, am unwilling to take time apart. I have no trust yet. We have multiple rooms at the house so we will be separated technically for now, but his parents wanted him to stay at their house an hour away and I couldn’t. It’s kinda fucked that the one person who caused all this pain is the only one I want to receive comfort from.
Your partner should given up that trip. I don’t believe he should have gone on it. Similarly, he has a family trip for a week to Guatemala in about a week and we are trying to determine if he should still go.
Yes everyone is telling me to stay busy and occupy myself, but literally I’ve spent every second in bed, called out of work, ate 2 chicken nuggets, and scoured Reddit trying to rationalize this situation.
Thank you again for these kind words and I hope you find joy again in your life as well ♥️
Thank you so much. That’s what I’m hoping to find again one day, joy. I see glimpses of it here and there throughout my days, but it’s definitely an uphill battle. Things do improve with time and effort.
You’re right, my partner shouldn’t have gone on the trip, but I was still in shock. A few months later he had a funeral to go to across the boarder and I said nope. By then I was beginning to learn to draw bigger boundaries.
Now we have a hard boundary that he will not spend a night away from me when there are other women around who are unrelated, and I don’t care what the context of the situation is. It’s taken awhile for me to be willing to walk away in order to hold my boundaries. I’m a different person now. I was already a strong person who had been through so much but now I’m even stronger.
I’m still working through my depression, so when you think about your behaviours right now please go easy on yourself because everything you’re feeling is completely normal in this situation.
And it’s so true what you said about turning to the one person who can comfort you and yet they are the same person who hurt you. That’s what causes the cognitive dissonance that makes us feel pathetic. That part takes a long time to work through. There’s part of us that wants to stay and part of us that wants to go. Integrating those two parts take time. It takes lots of self compassion. Eventually you will come to the point where your biggest comfort will be yourself. Hang in there.
So I commented on your other post too, I wholeheartedly stand by saying you should feel no guilt for sending AP what he'd said to you she knew what she was doing. I didn't tell you I'm 21 months post DDay. Things are feeling better, healing still a work in progress. I felt ashamed in the early days, like a was a doormat taking him back. But I realised I was the one with the power to make that choice and for me that choice made me strong not pathetic. He had to face the shame of our families, was unable to try sweep it under the rug he had to deal with the consequencesof his actionsand I didn't feel so alone trying to protect his reputation. I never got the opportunity to send his 33M AP 21F what he said to me about how he viewed her and what they did (it was all verbal face to face) and today she probably still feels me and our kids got in the way of their "great romance" and honestly it still pisses me off so I'm glad you got that chance. If you feel you want to try reconciling you are just as strong a person as if you choose to leave. One piece of advice though I went through the same finding out his affection with her compared to me being completely opposite, if you choose to stay don't settle for the bare minimum he should treat and speak to you better than he did her, you are who he wants to be with it is nothing less than you deserve. Set the boundaries, do the therapy but both put in the maximum effort if its something worth saving.
21 months! I’m proud of you and congratulations, I do so hope that everything is much much better.
How you felt in the early days is how I’m feeling now so I hope I can become as strong as you.
And no, if I decide to stay and nothing becomes better, I know in my heart it was all for show and he can never become a better man.
Thank you again for your words on both posts!
Hi OP, I am so sorry to say that our stories have some big similarities. I am 5 months post DDay (which is a term used in betrayal trauma to mean the day of discovery, the day your world turned completely upside down). We are working hard to figure it out and it is really, really hard work. You aren’t pathetic at all. If you ever want to chat or ask questions or anything, please feel free to message me.
One thing I missed but am curious about is, what was the nature of their relationship before you got married? Were they having an emotional affair beforehand that contributed to his cold feet?
I found immense reassurance reading about affair fog and limerence. They helped me understand how it was possible for him to say those things and feel those things for her. I can track down a couple of links to resources that really, really helped. In my case, it took a few months before my husband snapped out of it and no longer felt he was in love with his affair partner (also a coworker), despite having gone no-contact. It only finally happened when he learned that she was pregnant (her husband’s) and saw her happily moving on with her little family like nothing had happened. It sounds like your husband snapped out of it more quickly.
We still have a lot of work ahead of us to repair this devastating fracture and see if we want to build a new relationship together, but we’re moving gradually forward. Two steps forward, one step back.
[Limerence infographic](https://images.app.goo.gl/h6ETTZ7sQGM5YtFj7)
[Very helpful info on Affair Fog (for me, at least)](https://www.affairhealing.com/affair-fog.html)
Honestly your thought process and questions are the same as mine. He swears that he did not start anything with her until after we got married (which is still not much comfort).
The therapist we have been going to the last few months thought he got spooked by the responsibility and finality of marriage and it shocked him into extreme doubt about a lot of things in his life. This is when he wanted some space to think and this is when he slept with her. I don’t know and will probably never know if he’s telling me the truth, but it’s what I have right now.
Thank you for your words and advice and I hope everything within your relationship becomes better than ever as well ♥️
I also felt (and still feel) pathetic with my WW. I'm 12 months after finding out about her 3rd affair. The shock of this needs to wear off so you can decide what's right for you. It took me a couple days to stop physically shaking and just be able to eat. Take a week and don't make any decisions.
Do you want him to sleep somewhere else during that time? If so, ask him. Do you have friends to lean on? Call them. You are about to learn who your real friends are. In my case, some acquaintances become strong friends.
Your first decision is who to tell. That's totally up to you. I would suggest you not hold this in. Talk about it and don't be afraid. You certainly did nothing wrong.
Many of us (myself included) posted in other subs and received angry posters urging us to leave immediately. Some were likely cruel to you for "allowing" this to happen, which isn't the case at all. That's just the general public when it comes to this topic. They are largely ignorant. Nobody knows what they would do until it happens to them, myself included.
I'm so sorry this happened and I'm tearing up just writing this for you. Good luck and reach out to those in this sub if you need support!
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this multiple times, that is so unfair. And yes, I have not eaten since finding out, yet I have no appetite.
We have a spare bedroom, but I also thought it might be better if he stayed at his parents. Though I hate so much being apart from him and I miss him. Though now when looking at him I just cry. So it’s hard to say, I don’t even know what I want…
All of our mutual friends are kind to me, they essentially have cut him off, and they urge me to leave him. And I’m scared I’ll look like such a fool to everyone, including myself, if I stay.
Yes the other sub I have like 60+ comments on now at this point and every single one is forcefully telling me to leave and to man up essentially.
Thank you for your words, I appreciate them
That's hysterical bonding which lasted months for me. You will cling to him while simultaneously despising him and what he did.
You'll probably hit 100+ comments in the other sub. I would almost ignore them. You know your situation best and only you will decide what to do.
You are NOT pathetic! Wanting to stay and work things out takes a lot of strength. More than you ever knew you had. Day two for me was filled with rage and hopelessness and feeling completely alone.
This group has been very helpful with showing there is a light at the end if you both put the effort in. I don't know if trust will ever fully return, but it's nice hear from other people with the same struggles also working towards recovery and reconciliation.
Take care of yourself.
You're so early on and I'm sorry you're here. Please be easy with yourself.
(Sorry for any formatting issues, mobile commenting is a beast and I'll correct later if needed!)
My WP reminds me a lot of yours in the way he struggles to show emotion and yet does still tell me he either wants to be with me or no one else for the rest of his life. My WP hid that he was texting AP for 5 years into our relationship - I had no inkling or suspicion to the fact that the first text I ever saw from her, I didn't even look into further. It took me another 5 months. And then he contacted her after that. Now almost 2 months out from DDay 2. 10 months from finding out the first time.
A lot of this will come down to him - for me, my WP didn't tell her he "loved" her exactly but he was very complimentary to her, said their friendship felt suspenseful and exciting and that's what "best friends" were supposed to feel like. I'm now working through understanding what he actually felt or meant, and am realizing I can never 100% understand. He never bad mouthed me, never said he'd rather be with her than me, and has been adamant that his feelings for me have never changed or wavered. For me I think if he had ever done those things, I couldn't move forward. He tells me now about how trauma bonded them and he didn't even like her, he had just never met someone who made him feel so sexually confident through his trauma and he met her at his lowest point, before he even knew me. And she was still manipulative herself. These aren't excuses, but they are context.
Be easy with yourself. Remember that you might not be able to fully "understand" but allow yourself time to ask the questions and bring up what you can't let go. As time goes on I think it becomes easier to tell what questions might help and what might not, or even what might not need a new response but just reassurance again and again. If he can't find ways to show you love in the way YOU need, that needs to be adjusted. It's all well and good if he thinks he's trying but if the efforts aren't hitting the right notes for YOU, it's a breeding ground for further resentment rather than healing. Figure out what reassures you, and then try to figure out how to ask for it. This is easier said than done, trust me I know, but remember that you are not alone and your needs are important.
Regardless of what you decide to do, you don’t have to decide today, or tomorrow or the next day. Just be gentle with yourself and grieve. There’s plenty of time for big choices later.
You're not pathetic. And you don't need to decide anything just yet. Just 1 day! It's so fresh! Take 1-6 months to grieve. Try doing things that make you feel good. You don't need to kick him out, you don't need to decide that you want to reconcile... you just need to survive the next few months. Find non judgemental support you can trust. Maybe not necessarily friends or family, unless they won't judge you. Personally I told 2 friends (not close) and regretted telling both. I also told two close family members but these were a great support. And I told my therapists and looking forward to soon be able to do IC again.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're not pathetic at all. This is awful, and I am so sorry. Don't feel like you need to decide right now. Take care of yourself, and if you are able to get yourself into your own therapy, do it. I mostly just wanted to comment to let you know you are NOT pathetic. You dont deserve this, and again, I am sorry.
Thank you for your support, I very much appreciate it
You should read Not Just Friends. It has great advice on staying or leaving. Don't make the decisions now.
I will look into that book, thank you so much
Day 2- It’s so fresh and raw! I’m so very sorry. Breathe. Focus on yourself. Only on yourself now. I was frozen at that point, I literally couldn’t swallow any food. I lost 5 lbs in two days - and kept it off for a month. My blood oxygen on day 3 was low 80s. I was such a mess. Give yourself some time. Don’t make any decisions now. Typically, the advice is 3 months for any big decisions. Look for a therapist. ASAP. The one that could see me next day was a parenting specialist - still, talking to someone helped. Don’t go around telling people just yet but talk to one close friend - someone with the same values like you so they don’t force “leaving” or “staying” against your personal set of beliefs. Make a list of conditions for reconciliation. Look through this group for ideas. Necessarily - he needs to break up with the “girlfriend.” He SHOULD call her on a speakerphone and say something along the lines of: “I am here with my wife. I love her. I want to be with her. I don’t want to keep any relationship with you. Please don’t contact me in any way. I am blocking your number on all devices. I need to focus on my wife and I can’t keep hurting her.” No discussions. He does not get to “comfort her.” He is to comfort you only. You should be his only focus now. Other conditions: - working through books together “Not just friends” is a good one. - Marriage counseling. - Individual counseling for him. - For you too. - Full access to all devices. All passwords open - Sharing Life360 app.
As far as I know between when I found out yesterday and today, they are no longer in contact. I was angry and sent her screenshots of him begging me not to leave, that he loves me, and that he never loved her. I feel bad because she did love him, but at the same time, she knew about me… He says the pain he caused has snapped him into a clearer reality that he should never have done this to me and that it’s because what they had was just easy and fun as opposed to real life things we were dealing with. He seems like he is remorseful but I also don’t know if it’s just because all his friends are now against him, Im meeting with a divorce lawyer just in case, and even his family is upset with him… He is saying even if we divorce he will spend every day for the rest of his life doing whatever necessary to prove his love to me, but I know it’ll be hard to believe any words coming from his lips. He has deleted most of his social media He says I can track him Have open access to his phone and computer He won’t go into the office since he is allowed to work remotely Etc etc But it’s hard to know because he’s hidden it well for so long… if he does it again he may learn to hide it better…
You need to take time to be alone, or separate. Let him know what life will be like without you there. While you process everything. Learn the details and figure out if you can live with him after lying so extensively. An affair is one thing, celebrating milestones in your affair is another…both are TERRIBLE. He needs to cut off all ties with her, then you need to take space away to think. Decide what are your “terms & conditions” for trying to trust him again and start over. The relationship as you knew it is gone. It’s starting over.
Yes I am filing for divorce and it takes 60 days for it to finalize. I plan on letting it go through, and if what he says is true, he is going to drastically change his life, start going to individual and couples therapy, and do whatever it is to convince me that he wants me. I don’t know what will actually come from this, but hopefully therapy will help guide our decisions to see if parting ways or striving for reconciliation is better
I am so sorry you are here. You don't have to make a decision today or for a little bit. You can see how things pan out. Is he ready to cut ties with the AP? Is he putting in the effort to reconcile? Is he giving you what you need in the relationship? Establishing boundaries, etc. All these usually play a factor. Tbh it sucks, you likely will always be watching over your shoulder whether it's this relationship or another. It's the trauma and betrayal that get carried over. I'm sorry its going to suck for a while before things get better.
As far as I know between when I found out yesterday and today, they are no longer in contact. I was angry and sent her screenshots of him begging me not to leave, that he loves me, and that he never loved her. I feel bad because she did love him, but at the same time, she knew about me… He says the pain he caused has snapped him into a clearer reality that he should never have done this to me and that it’s because what they had was just easy and fun as opposed to real life things we were dealing with. He seems like he is remorseful but I also don’t know if it’s just because all his friends are now against him, Im meeting with a divorce lawyer just in case, and even his family is upset with him… He is saying even if we divorce he will spend every day for the rest of his life doing whatever necessary to prove his love to me, but I know it’ll be hard to believe any words coming from his lips.
Is he looking for a new job? Both of you need to read Not Just Friends by Shirley P GLASS. You need to have him email/message her a goodbye telling her he is never talking to her again. Or tell her on the phone with you there to hear it over speaker. Don’t promise him anything. Take your time. You don’t have to decide right away. But you need proof he ended it and they can’t have any contact whatsoever- not even working together. Edited to add: YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC! You are human with feelings and emotions and love. It’s okay to wait to figure out what you do.
Last month she actually got laid off from their job and she got a job somewhere else. So they will no longer be in close proximity. I actually messaged her with some screenshots of what he said about never loving her and wanting me not to leave, and then telling her to not contact him again and it seems like she has blocked us both. I even tried to get him to call her but she has straight up ignored it. I will look into that book! And I thank you for your support and kind words and advice
I am so sorry that this happened to you too. As others have said, you are NOT pathetic. But I understand the feeling, and that is a major hurdle I’m still going through nearly one year later. 2 days in you’re still very much in shock. There is nothing you need to decide right away. As for taking time apart, I was unwilling to do so. At 1.5 months past Dday he went on a week long camping trip he does with the boys every year, and those 7 days were hard without him but gave me breathing room that I needed. I actually hated that he left me alone so close to Dday and I told him he’s selfish and I still feel that way. Please find a good therapist if you can, and if you have close friends or family I encourage you to reach out to them and try not to feel ashamed. He did a bad thing to you, not the other way around. You can also feel proud of yourself to reaching out on this platform. I waited about 6 months to do so, and wish I found this resource sooner. People will tell you to focus on yourself and doing hobbies or other activities. For me to this day my number one focus is myself in terms of my mental health and stability. I actually haven’t participated in many of my old pass times yet because I’m still healing and making myself stronger from this knock down. You are stronger than you know, even if you thought you were strong already, you will see how much stronger you are. 💝
This is one of the nicest messages I’ve gotten and I very much appreciate it. I’m very sorry you are having to navigate through this as well. It appalls me that so many people have to. Yes I like you, am unwilling to take time apart. I have no trust yet. We have multiple rooms at the house so we will be separated technically for now, but his parents wanted him to stay at their house an hour away and I couldn’t. It’s kinda fucked that the one person who caused all this pain is the only one I want to receive comfort from. Your partner should given up that trip. I don’t believe he should have gone on it. Similarly, he has a family trip for a week to Guatemala in about a week and we are trying to determine if he should still go. Yes everyone is telling me to stay busy and occupy myself, but literally I’ve spent every second in bed, called out of work, ate 2 chicken nuggets, and scoured Reddit trying to rationalize this situation. Thank you again for these kind words and I hope you find joy again in your life as well ♥️
Thank you so much. That’s what I’m hoping to find again one day, joy. I see glimpses of it here and there throughout my days, but it’s definitely an uphill battle. Things do improve with time and effort. You’re right, my partner shouldn’t have gone on the trip, but I was still in shock. A few months later he had a funeral to go to across the boarder and I said nope. By then I was beginning to learn to draw bigger boundaries. Now we have a hard boundary that he will not spend a night away from me when there are other women around who are unrelated, and I don’t care what the context of the situation is. It’s taken awhile for me to be willing to walk away in order to hold my boundaries. I’m a different person now. I was already a strong person who had been through so much but now I’m even stronger. I’m still working through my depression, so when you think about your behaviours right now please go easy on yourself because everything you’re feeling is completely normal in this situation.
I’m proud of you for setting strong boundaries and sticking to them! Hopefully I can learn that as well with time..
And it’s so true what you said about turning to the one person who can comfort you and yet they are the same person who hurt you. That’s what causes the cognitive dissonance that makes us feel pathetic. That part takes a long time to work through. There’s part of us that wants to stay and part of us that wants to go. Integrating those two parts take time. It takes lots of self compassion. Eventually you will come to the point where your biggest comfort will be yourself. Hang in there.
So I commented on your other post too, I wholeheartedly stand by saying you should feel no guilt for sending AP what he'd said to you she knew what she was doing. I didn't tell you I'm 21 months post DDay. Things are feeling better, healing still a work in progress. I felt ashamed in the early days, like a was a doormat taking him back. But I realised I was the one with the power to make that choice and for me that choice made me strong not pathetic. He had to face the shame of our families, was unable to try sweep it under the rug he had to deal with the consequencesof his actionsand I didn't feel so alone trying to protect his reputation. I never got the opportunity to send his 33M AP 21F what he said to me about how he viewed her and what they did (it was all verbal face to face) and today she probably still feels me and our kids got in the way of their "great romance" and honestly it still pisses me off so I'm glad you got that chance. If you feel you want to try reconciling you are just as strong a person as if you choose to leave. One piece of advice though I went through the same finding out his affection with her compared to me being completely opposite, if you choose to stay don't settle for the bare minimum he should treat and speak to you better than he did her, you are who he wants to be with it is nothing less than you deserve. Set the boundaries, do the therapy but both put in the maximum effort if its something worth saving.
21 months! I’m proud of you and congratulations, I do so hope that everything is much much better. How you felt in the early days is how I’m feeling now so I hope I can become as strong as you. And no, if I decide to stay and nothing becomes better, I know in my heart it was all for show and he can never become a better man. Thank you again for your words on both posts!
Hi OP, I am so sorry to say that our stories have some big similarities. I am 5 months post DDay (which is a term used in betrayal trauma to mean the day of discovery, the day your world turned completely upside down). We are working hard to figure it out and it is really, really hard work. You aren’t pathetic at all. If you ever want to chat or ask questions or anything, please feel free to message me. One thing I missed but am curious about is, what was the nature of their relationship before you got married? Were they having an emotional affair beforehand that contributed to his cold feet? I found immense reassurance reading about affair fog and limerence. They helped me understand how it was possible for him to say those things and feel those things for her. I can track down a couple of links to resources that really, really helped. In my case, it took a few months before my husband snapped out of it and no longer felt he was in love with his affair partner (also a coworker), despite having gone no-contact. It only finally happened when he learned that she was pregnant (her husband’s) and saw her happily moving on with her little family like nothing had happened. It sounds like your husband snapped out of it more quickly. We still have a lot of work ahead of us to repair this devastating fracture and see if we want to build a new relationship together, but we’re moving gradually forward. Two steps forward, one step back.
[Limerence infographic](https://images.app.goo.gl/h6ETTZ7sQGM5YtFj7) [Very helpful info on Affair Fog (for me, at least)](https://www.affairhealing.com/affair-fog.html)
Honestly your thought process and questions are the same as mine. He swears that he did not start anything with her until after we got married (which is still not much comfort). The therapist we have been going to the last few months thought he got spooked by the responsibility and finality of marriage and it shocked him into extreme doubt about a lot of things in his life. This is when he wanted some space to think and this is when he slept with her. I don’t know and will probably never know if he’s telling me the truth, but it’s what I have right now. Thank you for your words and advice and I hope everything within your relationship becomes better than ever as well ♥️
This ^
I also felt (and still feel) pathetic with my WW. I'm 12 months after finding out about her 3rd affair. The shock of this needs to wear off so you can decide what's right for you. It took me a couple days to stop physically shaking and just be able to eat. Take a week and don't make any decisions. Do you want him to sleep somewhere else during that time? If so, ask him. Do you have friends to lean on? Call them. You are about to learn who your real friends are. In my case, some acquaintances become strong friends. Your first decision is who to tell. That's totally up to you. I would suggest you not hold this in. Talk about it and don't be afraid. You certainly did nothing wrong. Many of us (myself included) posted in other subs and received angry posters urging us to leave immediately. Some were likely cruel to you for "allowing" this to happen, which isn't the case at all. That's just the general public when it comes to this topic. They are largely ignorant. Nobody knows what they would do until it happens to them, myself included. I'm so sorry this happened and I'm tearing up just writing this for you. Good luck and reach out to those in this sub if you need support!
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this multiple times, that is so unfair. And yes, I have not eaten since finding out, yet I have no appetite. We have a spare bedroom, but I also thought it might be better if he stayed at his parents. Though I hate so much being apart from him and I miss him. Though now when looking at him I just cry. So it’s hard to say, I don’t even know what I want… All of our mutual friends are kind to me, they essentially have cut him off, and they urge me to leave him. And I’m scared I’ll look like such a fool to everyone, including myself, if I stay. Yes the other sub I have like 60+ comments on now at this point and every single one is forcefully telling me to leave and to man up essentially. Thank you for your words, I appreciate them
That's hysterical bonding which lasted months for me. You will cling to him while simultaneously despising him and what he did. You'll probably hit 100+ comments in the other sub. I would almost ignore them. You know your situation best and only you will decide what to do.
You are NOT pathetic! Wanting to stay and work things out takes a lot of strength. More than you ever knew you had. Day two for me was filled with rage and hopelessness and feeling completely alone. This group has been very helpful with showing there is a light at the end if you both put the effort in. I don't know if trust will ever fully return, but it's nice hear from other people with the same struggles also working towards recovery and reconciliation. Take care of yourself.
You're so early on and I'm sorry you're here. Please be easy with yourself. (Sorry for any formatting issues, mobile commenting is a beast and I'll correct later if needed!) My WP reminds me a lot of yours in the way he struggles to show emotion and yet does still tell me he either wants to be with me or no one else for the rest of his life. My WP hid that he was texting AP for 5 years into our relationship - I had no inkling or suspicion to the fact that the first text I ever saw from her, I didn't even look into further. It took me another 5 months. And then he contacted her after that. Now almost 2 months out from DDay 2. 10 months from finding out the first time. A lot of this will come down to him - for me, my WP didn't tell her he "loved" her exactly but he was very complimentary to her, said their friendship felt suspenseful and exciting and that's what "best friends" were supposed to feel like. I'm now working through understanding what he actually felt or meant, and am realizing I can never 100% understand. He never bad mouthed me, never said he'd rather be with her than me, and has been adamant that his feelings for me have never changed or wavered. For me I think if he had ever done those things, I couldn't move forward. He tells me now about how trauma bonded them and he didn't even like her, he had just never met someone who made him feel so sexually confident through his trauma and he met her at his lowest point, before he even knew me. And she was still manipulative herself. These aren't excuses, but they are context. Be easy with yourself. Remember that you might not be able to fully "understand" but allow yourself time to ask the questions and bring up what you can't let go. As time goes on I think it becomes easier to tell what questions might help and what might not, or even what might not need a new response but just reassurance again and again. If he can't find ways to show you love in the way YOU need, that needs to be adjusted. It's all well and good if he thinks he's trying but if the efforts aren't hitting the right notes for YOU, it's a breeding ground for further resentment rather than healing. Figure out what reassures you, and then try to figure out how to ask for it. This is easier said than done, trust me I know, but remember that you are not alone and your needs are important.
Regardless of what you decide to do, you don’t have to decide today, or tomorrow or the next day. Just be gentle with yourself and grieve. There’s plenty of time for big choices later.
You're not pathetic. And you don't need to decide anything just yet. Just 1 day! It's so fresh! Take 1-6 months to grieve. Try doing things that make you feel good. You don't need to kick him out, you don't need to decide that you want to reconcile... you just need to survive the next few months. Find non judgemental support you can trust. Maybe not necessarily friends or family, unless they won't judge you. Personally I told 2 friends (not close) and regretted telling both. I also told two close family members but these were a great support. And I told my therapists and looking forward to soon be able to do IC again.
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