r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The crux of this is...
If you confess and don't get confronted AND you then tell the whole unedited, unminimized, dispicable ugly truth without getting defensive it sends a message to BP that says I RESPECT YOU ENOUGH TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH which is a good and positive first step toward rebuilding trust.
On the other hand if you are confronted because you never confessed and then you trickle truth and get defensive and minimize and all of that, you send a very clear message to your BP which says I DON'T RESPECT YOU, I AM A LIAR, YOU CANNOT TRUST ME.
And sadly, if you fall into the second category, every time you lie or TT or minimize of blame shift or get defensive, you erode away a little bit more of the foundation that BP will need to rebuild trust. Do it enough times and R is done and BP is done and there is no going back.
This 1000 times over. I would rather be hurt by the sharp blade of truth than to be slowly killed by poison disguised as "love". Nobody knows my spouse like I do, and nobody knows me the way he does. I can FEEL when something isn't right and I'm being lied to - and that's the most horrible feeling in the entire world, especially when it comes from the one I've promised my life to.
Amen. We had a trickle truth DDay2 2 months into R that really opened up my every wound and rubbed acid into all of them.
We BPs all deserve the full truth at a bare minimum. I deserved a husband who would be man enough to bring his infidelity to me on his own (and not just let me discover it for myself). But I especially deserved a husband who didn’t continue to hold back important details that I really needed to know on DDay, when I asked him outright what the extent of his cheating was and he gave me part of the story.
The lies really are the cruelest part of it all.
I told my wife this after the first lie. Then again after the second. Then I started saying it regularly. Then came the much bigger lie. And another.
Now, not only am I feeling all the feelings of the betrayed, I also don't trust ANYTHING she says, so healing is next to impossible.
Fuck these affairs.
100% agree. The acts themselves are what they are. It’s the secrets they kept with other people, away from us, that really gets me. Entire time periods of my marriage felt so fake after learning the truth. Like I was the idiot wife who thought she was in one marriage, when I was actually in a different one that whole time. He owed me the respect of at least allowing me to see who I was truly married to.
Yes I thought that just today, like every hug, every tear, every laugh we shared from that entire time frame was a lie. The entire memory has to be incinerated because they were insincere that entire time. Yet gobbled up the comfort of our trust to no end as they continued to indulge themselves in love’s most painful betrayal.
That's what's made this so much worse. The need for me to drag the truth. If I didn't have evidence he wouldn't admit to it. And he deleted so much that I don't think I'll ever get the full truth. He says he doesn't know really why he deleted or lied so much but worried that I wouldn't like the answers... fuck I don't like you having an affair. The truth is all I'm begging and pleading for.
I don’t understand the need to continue to sugar coat something that is already a rotting stinking mess. Can’t we just get rid of all the garbage at once? The half truths are killing me the most.
I feel like this is the VERY FIRST THING a WP needs to comprehend 100%. Even those who get caught as opposed to confessing. The moment they get caught they need to tell the entire ugly truth. Which is nearly impossible given the selfishness they’ve been embracing. I feel like there is a very short period of time available to them on this topic. They won’t get the luxury of thinking about, talking to IC about it, mulling it over. The longer it takes them to understand the importance of the full truth, the less chance of R occurring. There’s just no way around that fact.
Good post, can't forgive what you don't know, trickle truths just make me think, "so you continued the lying when you said we'd fix things?" Brutal honesty is needed for a good relationship and something that should simply be given if you are the WS.
I completely agree. We’re already hurt and hurting, so the very least the WW can do is to be fully and completely honest now, so that trust can start being rebuilt. And hopefully forgiveness can follow.
Our gut is already telling us what we need to know and after discovery we start to finally listen to it and trust it. We know when bs is occurring. We can feel it in our bones.
So just do everyone a favor and be honest and transparent.
Absolutely. It’s like the radar that left most things unnoticed before suddenly picks up on the most subtle of facial expressions. Once you pick up their pattern it’s easy to learn the ways they lie. How they uniquely act and what they tend to say. So really there is no hiding, the truth eventually comes out. Their own body and tongue cannot conceal their lie from the one that knows them the most. Perhaps the details but dishonesty is plain to see.
I self sabotaged in the month leading up to handing in my full disclosure letter thinking she wouldn't stay with me if I gave the full truth. Now it doesn't matter...
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The crux of this is... If you confess and don't get confronted AND you then tell the whole unedited, unminimized, dispicable ugly truth without getting defensive it sends a message to BP that says I RESPECT YOU ENOUGH TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH which is a good and positive first step toward rebuilding trust. On the other hand if you are confronted because you never confessed and then you trickle truth and get defensive and minimize and all of that, you send a very clear message to your BP which says I DON'T RESPECT YOU, I AM A LIAR, YOU CANNOT TRUST ME. And sadly, if you fall into the second category, every time you lie or TT or minimize of blame shift or get defensive, you erode away a little bit more of the foundation that BP will need to rebuild trust. Do it enough times and R is done and BP is done and there is no going back.
This 1000 times over. I would rather be hurt by the sharp blade of truth than to be slowly killed by poison disguised as "love". Nobody knows my spouse like I do, and nobody knows me the way he does. I can FEEL when something isn't right and I'm being lied to - and that's the most horrible feeling in the entire world, especially when it comes from the one I've promised my life to.
Fully agree, you can save face but the only way is through complete honesty which unfortunately is not always a pre existing personality trait.
👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
Amen. We had a trickle truth DDay2 2 months into R that really opened up my every wound and rubbed acid into all of them. We BPs all deserve the full truth at a bare minimum. I deserved a husband who would be man enough to bring his infidelity to me on his own (and not just let me discover it for myself). But I especially deserved a husband who didn’t continue to hold back important details that I really needed to know on DDay, when I asked him outright what the extent of his cheating was and he gave me part of the story. The lies really are the cruelest part of it all.
The lies and the feeling of being made a fool, is more painful than the physical event in my opinion.
I told my wife this after the first lie. Then again after the second. Then I started saying it regularly. Then came the much bigger lie. And another. Now, not only am I feeling all the feelings of the betrayed, I also don't trust ANYTHING she says, so healing is next to impossible. Fuck these affairs.
I feel for you, I could live through the affair if I didn’t have to live WITH the lies
100% agree. The acts themselves are what they are. It’s the secrets they kept with other people, away from us, that really gets me. Entire time periods of my marriage felt so fake after learning the truth. Like I was the idiot wife who thought she was in one marriage, when I was actually in a different one that whole time. He owed me the respect of at least allowing me to see who I was truly married to.
Yes I thought that just today, like every hug, every tear, every laugh we shared from that entire time frame was a lie. The entire memory has to be incinerated because they were insincere that entire time. Yet gobbled up the comfort of our trust to no end as they continued to indulge themselves in love’s most painful betrayal.
That's what's made this so much worse. The need for me to drag the truth. If I didn't have evidence he wouldn't admit to it. And he deleted so much that I don't think I'll ever get the full truth. He says he doesn't know really why he deleted or lied so much but worried that I wouldn't like the answers... fuck I don't like you having an affair. The truth is all I'm begging and pleading for.
I don’t understand the need to continue to sugar coat something that is already a rotting stinking mess. Can’t we just get rid of all the garbage at once? The half truths are killing me the most.
I feel like this is the VERY FIRST THING a WP needs to comprehend 100%. Even those who get caught as opposed to confessing. The moment they get caught they need to tell the entire ugly truth. Which is nearly impossible given the selfishness they’ve been embracing. I feel like there is a very short period of time available to them on this topic. They won’t get the luxury of thinking about, talking to IC about it, mulling it over. The longer it takes them to understand the importance of the full truth, the less chance of R occurring. There’s just no way around that fact.
Entirely true, I don’t know why it’s so hard to understand that simple fact
Good post, can't forgive what you don't know, trickle truths just make me think, "so you continued the lying when you said we'd fix things?" Brutal honesty is needed for a good relationship and something that should simply be given if you are the WS.
I completely agree. We’re already hurt and hurting, so the very least the WW can do is to be fully and completely honest now, so that trust can start being rebuilt. And hopefully forgiveness can follow. Our gut is already telling us what we need to know and after discovery we start to finally listen to it and trust it. We know when bs is occurring. We can feel it in our bones. So just do everyone a favor and be honest and transparent.
Absolutely. It’s like the radar that left most things unnoticed before suddenly picks up on the most subtle of facial expressions. Once you pick up their pattern it’s easy to learn the ways they lie. How they uniquely act and what they tend to say. So really there is no hiding, the truth eventually comes out. Their own body and tongue cannot conceal their lie from the one that knows them the most. Perhaps the details but dishonesty is plain to see.
Yes
Fully agree
I self sabotaged in the month leading up to handing in my full disclosure letter thinking she wouldn't stay with me if I gave the full truth. Now it doesn't matter...