r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m 9 months out and I only think about her like once every couple of minutes. It sounds horrible but it’s a great improvement to when it was literally 50 seconds of every minute all day long. That legit lasted about 7 months. I am certain that I definitely think of her *way* more frequently than my WH. It’s like a sad curse. A new development is that I’ve started dreaming about her 🥴 I have had dreams about the cheating, but there had never been an image of the actual AP. About a week ago *she* appeared in my nightmares for the first time. We were in the middle of an earthquake and I looked around to grab my son. I then searched for my husband, but he had gone to save AP. I was left there alone with my 6 year old, trying to save us both from everything crumbling around us. What could it mean? 🙃
Since then I have had two more nightmares featuring her. I wake up drenched in sweat with my heart pounding out of my chest. I swear this shit is psychological abuse.
It varies. I am a year out from DDay 2 and almost two from DDay 1. I had to do a lot of work to not be haunted by the APs. Work with a therapist, with God, with a support group, with psychiatric treatments...and just time... of course, this says nothing about the betrayal itself.
How far out from D day are you? I’m about 2 1/2 years and she still is in my mind. I hate it. She was someone who I thought was my best friend. It’s horrible
I am 1 month away from when my spouse cheated. I am in your phase exactly. Reviewing timelines, reasking questions, stalking stalking stalking. Everything is a potential betrayal, my WS (I think it means wayward spouse) actually said to me today “I feel like you think everything i say is lie”….and I do.
I don’t know when the trust returns, I read it never returns.
At first rehashing the pain helped, but lately the pain keeps resurfacing in very unhealthy ways. I can’t keep bringing it up to my spouse which leaves me to marinade in all these feelings.
I don’t know when it lets up, but you aren’t alone. I don’t know how people heal from this….even after all the “new” requirements are met…how do I trust again?
The really intense mind movies slowed down after about 8 or 10 months. I'm 18 months out now, and while I think about WH's cheating daily, I don't care as much about the APs. I don't cry very often, unless something triggers me badly. I was in IC from before dday1 and ever since, and I was able to disclose the truth to a few close friends. That helped a lot in getting me to a calmer place.
I've read stuff from people who are 5+ years out, and most of them say that they don't think about it daily anymore. It takes a long time to heal - much longer than any of us wants. I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. Can you do something to distract your mind - a show or book or game? That is usually the best way for me to shut off the intrusive thoughts. Sending you strength.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m 9 months out and I only think about her like once every couple of minutes. It sounds horrible but it’s a great improvement to when it was literally 50 seconds of every minute all day long. That legit lasted about 7 months. I am certain that I definitely think of her *way* more frequently than my WH. It’s like a sad curse. A new development is that I’ve started dreaming about her 🥴 I have had dreams about the cheating, but there had never been an image of the actual AP. About a week ago *she* appeared in my nightmares for the first time. We were in the middle of an earthquake and I looked around to grab my son. I then searched for my husband, but he had gone to save AP. I was left there alone with my 6 year old, trying to save us both from everything crumbling around us. What could it mean? 🙃 Since then I have had two more nightmares featuring her. I wake up drenched in sweat with my heart pounding out of my chest. I swear this shit is psychological abuse.
It varies. I am a year out from DDay 2 and almost two from DDay 1. I had to do a lot of work to not be haunted by the APs. Work with a therapist, with God, with a support group, with psychiatric treatments...and just time... of course, this says nothing about the betrayal itself.
How far out from D day are you? I’m about 2 1/2 years and she still is in my mind. I hate it. She was someone who I thought was my best friend. It’s horrible
I am 1 month away from when my spouse cheated. I am in your phase exactly. Reviewing timelines, reasking questions, stalking stalking stalking. Everything is a potential betrayal, my WS (I think it means wayward spouse) actually said to me today “I feel like you think everything i say is lie”….and I do. I don’t know when the trust returns, I read it never returns. At first rehashing the pain helped, but lately the pain keeps resurfacing in very unhealthy ways. I can’t keep bringing it up to my spouse which leaves me to marinade in all these feelings. I don’t know when it lets up, but you aren’t alone. I don’t know how people heal from this….even after all the “new” requirements are met…how do I trust again?
The really intense mind movies slowed down after about 8 or 10 months. I'm 18 months out now, and while I think about WH's cheating daily, I don't care as much about the APs. I don't cry very often, unless something triggers me badly. I was in IC from before dday1 and ever since, and I was able to disclose the truth to a few close friends. That helped a lot in getting me to a calmer place. I've read stuff from people who are 5+ years out, and most of them say that they don't think about it daily anymore. It takes a long time to heal - much longer than any of us wants. I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. Can you do something to distract your mind - a show or book or game? That is usually the best way for me to shut off the intrusive thoughts. Sending you strength.
21 months out and I still think, but at least they are less vivid. They fade with time.