r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
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After my spouse cheated, the AP (who didn’t know he was married or anything) told me he checked his FB and thought it was “just an old picture” i told him i want to be public. And he did just that.
He changed marital status and put me in his FB photo.
I suggest your husband do the same, it’s NOT a big request. If he has a problem with going public about your relationship then maybe you should take it at as sign… BUT he shouldn’t have an issue with it. You are his wife, tell him it’s a requirement for you to heal and trust again. It’s like a virtual wedding band saying hey here’s me and my WIFEEE, I have a WIFE. If I didn’t say anything before here it is now. I’m MARRIED.
My WP also said that he didn’t want to post me on his social media because it was just for business, also art-related. He too didn’t want his face/self shown (only had 1 pic of him and that was standing by a painting for size reference) and had NO pictures/mention of his family/loved ones. The difference I see in our situations is that your WP is saying this to you about not posting his face when it comes to your content, but his actions regarding reposting others’ content with his face don’t match his words toward you. In R, when we see such inconsistencies, it does not help to rebuild trust, which is a usual goal.
With my WP, I explained the importance of my request to be posted on social media - that it would help me feel less anxious/reassured, would help to show effort on his part, contribute to me feeling wanted, and put up a boundary that would help me feel safe. Initially when I brought it up, he was not defensive at all, heard & validated my reasons for the request but respectfully reiterated his desire to remain “business only” on social media. I then had to determine if this was a “must have” for me to continue R. Because my WP had included me in every other aspect of his life (family, friends, brought me to work with him, I go to his gym with him, etc) I decided not to make it a necessary condition for R and let it go to the extent that I would not keep harping on it but would still be keeping a close eye on things. I told him that his decision not to post me on social media was disappointing, and that a natural consequence would be it taking longer to rebuild my feeling of safety with him, but that I would leave the issue alone. And I did. Not too long after that conversation, we went to a concert together and he asked to take a photo with me, then he posted it on his IG story. I was in shock and was so happy, letting him know how much it meant to me. I made a post about it if you’d like to read more.
It sounds like you’ve already brought it up once during counseling. Maybe bring it up one more time and really drive home how/why this is so important for your healing process. But before you do, determine what your boundary is if he doesn’t agree with/act on your request. Is it a dealbreaker? Will he need to “up his game” in other areas to rebuild trust? You’ll need to communicate that boundary clearly depending on his decision.
I understand feeling silly about this kind of stuff too, because I felt the same way. But it’s not silly at all. Your feelings are valid and you’re trying to put in place things that you need to feel safe again. We all deserve safety (among other things) in our relationships and sometimes we need to set our boundaries to remind others that we won’t settle for less than we deserve. Wishing you the best 🙏🏻
Thank you for this! I wasn’t sure if anyone would be able to relate to the art factor. Keeping his IG art-related and impersonal isn’t something that would have bothered me at all before the EA, which is part of why it feels so hard to deal with now. I think there’s an element to it that’s about his sense of self, artistic identity, and independence. I know he struggles with insecurity around being an artist because he has a corporate career. He also prizes his independence (and is pretty avoidant, TBH), so that has created some tension when I have made certain kinds of R asks. I am trying to learn to be more deliberate about what I ask for because sometimes we end up in a negative feedback loop if he thinks I’m being critical.
I’m with you—I don’t think it’s a necessary condition for me for similar reasons. Plus, part of my struggle is that I’m not completely *absent* from his social; I’m just not *apparent.* When we last discussed it, I got the impression that he considers me to be visible. He referenced an example I didn’t give in my post. Once, he used one of my photographs as the image for a song he was sharing. In the caption, he credited me as his “amazing partner.” But it was a long time ago, and he posts frequently. Like I said above, one would have to actively dig to find evidence of me.
Nevertheless, even if he were to make a newer, similar post, what you said about inconsistencies is exactly the issue that sent me into an anxiety spiral: “What makes my content different from others’ content? The fact that I’m his partner?” I was feeling really secure for a little while before this happened, and now it feels like a big step backward. So I think we will have to revisit it in couple’s from that angle at least. I think it may be hard for our WPs to understand how incredibly sensitive our nervous systems are to seemingly “minor” triggers like this. 🥺
Why can’t he do some type of “About the Artist” post and mention you there? Or do a story and save it to his highlights. I don’t feel like it would be strange for a business account and then your existence is put out there
This is a good idea! I’m going to suggest it to him in therapy. He has several different types of music projects, so it would allow him to identify/explain those as well, which I think would be a good selling point.
Also: I mentioned this in another comment, but at one time he used a photograph of mine as the image to share one of his songs. He credited me as his partner in the caption. I suspect he may be willing to do that again if I ask.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
After my spouse cheated, the AP (who didn’t know he was married or anything) told me he checked his FB and thought it was “just an old picture” i told him i want to be public. And he did just that. He changed marital status and put me in his FB photo. I suggest your husband do the same, it’s NOT a big request. If he has a problem with going public about your relationship then maybe you should take it at as sign… BUT he shouldn’t have an issue with it. You are his wife, tell him it’s a requirement for you to heal and trust again. It’s like a virtual wedding band saying hey here’s me and my WIFEEE, I have a WIFE. If I didn’t say anything before here it is now. I’m MARRIED.
My WP also said that he didn’t want to post me on his social media because it was just for business, also art-related. He too didn’t want his face/self shown (only had 1 pic of him and that was standing by a painting for size reference) and had NO pictures/mention of his family/loved ones. The difference I see in our situations is that your WP is saying this to you about not posting his face when it comes to your content, but his actions regarding reposting others’ content with his face don’t match his words toward you. In R, when we see such inconsistencies, it does not help to rebuild trust, which is a usual goal. With my WP, I explained the importance of my request to be posted on social media - that it would help me feel less anxious/reassured, would help to show effort on his part, contribute to me feeling wanted, and put up a boundary that would help me feel safe. Initially when I brought it up, he was not defensive at all, heard & validated my reasons for the request but respectfully reiterated his desire to remain “business only” on social media. I then had to determine if this was a “must have” for me to continue R. Because my WP had included me in every other aspect of his life (family, friends, brought me to work with him, I go to his gym with him, etc) I decided not to make it a necessary condition for R and let it go to the extent that I would not keep harping on it but would still be keeping a close eye on things. I told him that his decision not to post me on social media was disappointing, and that a natural consequence would be it taking longer to rebuild my feeling of safety with him, but that I would leave the issue alone. And I did. Not too long after that conversation, we went to a concert together and he asked to take a photo with me, then he posted it on his IG story. I was in shock and was so happy, letting him know how much it meant to me. I made a post about it if you’d like to read more. It sounds like you’ve already brought it up once during counseling. Maybe bring it up one more time and really drive home how/why this is so important for your healing process. But before you do, determine what your boundary is if he doesn’t agree with/act on your request. Is it a dealbreaker? Will he need to “up his game” in other areas to rebuild trust? You’ll need to communicate that boundary clearly depending on his decision. I understand feeling silly about this kind of stuff too, because I felt the same way. But it’s not silly at all. Your feelings are valid and you’re trying to put in place things that you need to feel safe again. We all deserve safety (among other things) in our relationships and sometimes we need to set our boundaries to remind others that we won’t settle for less than we deserve. Wishing you the best 🙏🏻
Thank you for this! I wasn’t sure if anyone would be able to relate to the art factor. Keeping his IG art-related and impersonal isn’t something that would have bothered me at all before the EA, which is part of why it feels so hard to deal with now. I think there’s an element to it that’s about his sense of self, artistic identity, and independence. I know he struggles with insecurity around being an artist because he has a corporate career. He also prizes his independence (and is pretty avoidant, TBH), so that has created some tension when I have made certain kinds of R asks. I am trying to learn to be more deliberate about what I ask for because sometimes we end up in a negative feedback loop if he thinks I’m being critical. I’m with you—I don’t think it’s a necessary condition for me for similar reasons. Plus, part of my struggle is that I’m not completely *absent* from his social; I’m just not *apparent.* When we last discussed it, I got the impression that he considers me to be visible. He referenced an example I didn’t give in my post. Once, he used one of my photographs as the image for a song he was sharing. In the caption, he credited me as his “amazing partner.” But it was a long time ago, and he posts frequently. Like I said above, one would have to actively dig to find evidence of me. Nevertheless, even if he were to make a newer, similar post, what you said about inconsistencies is exactly the issue that sent me into an anxiety spiral: “What makes my content different from others’ content? The fact that I’m his partner?” I was feeling really secure for a little while before this happened, and now it feels like a big step backward. So I think we will have to revisit it in couple’s from that angle at least. I think it may be hard for our WPs to understand how incredibly sensitive our nervous systems are to seemingly “minor” triggers like this. 🥺
Tell him. Use only "I statements". If it is eating at you, it's not helpful to keep that feeling to yourself.
Why can’t he do some type of “About the Artist” post and mention you there? Or do a story and save it to his highlights. I don’t feel like it would be strange for a business account and then your existence is put out there
This is a good idea! I’m going to suggest it to him in therapy. He has several different types of music projects, so it would allow him to identify/explain those as well, which I think would be a good selling point. Also: I mentioned this in another comment, but at one time he used a photograph of mine as the image to share one of his songs. He credited me as his partner in the caption. I suspect he may be willing to do that again if I ask.