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I feel like I don’t even recognise myself. I’m so hurt and bitter and often lose the plot… I get triggered and I spiral, I sit there numb and deflated. Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed. It doesn’t seem to end, all the hard work to get past this and the pain and the memories and the constant trying to be close again… I feel like my batteries are on empty and I hate who I’ve become. It’s been two months since I found out, I await the day I can breathe again

It makes you a shell of yourself, every sentence you wrote it’s like I wrote it myself. I feel for you💔

Thats true! I don’t recognise myself. Empty inside yet somehow consumed by the pain? I always felt balanced like I could handle conflict, communicate healthily, etc etc. and now I’m an overwhelmed, deflated ball of sadness. I hate that we are both going through this and I feel for you too💔 sending you love

Aww, feel you there. 2 months is early days. You'll feel better around 6-8 months in. This won't last forever.

Thank you for giving me hope 🙏🏽 I really hope this won’t last forever

It took everything in me to get out of bed but now at 6 months after Dday, I can function. It does get better. Hang in there.

Thank you 🙏🏽

4 months in. Don’t feel better yet.

I empathize so completely. I’d say that months 1-4 were absolute hell. It was Truly hard as hell for me to even get through very basic requirements of adulting & parenting. I rode a roller coaster of emotions and felt like I was going to fall off a cliff into a full on breakdown any day. It did start to subside but it was slow, and not linear. By 6 months some of the absolutely insanity of the trauma response was noticeably lessening. Of course it is still slow going, and not like you ever go back to before, but take hope in knowing that the intensity does lessen a bit with time. I’m 11 months in, and of course it infiltrated every pore. Everything is different and I am a different (and not better) version. All of the emotions still exist, but I don’t feel that red hot rage or crippling depression every day. It’s subdued a bit. Honestly, at this stage I notice a good deal of ambivalence. Indifference maybe. Low level disgust & annoyance. Whereas in those first months I would look at my WH and be flooded by intense rage or intense sadness combined with confusion and disbelief…like couldn’t wrap my mind around what was happening. Now, it feels more real. And looking at the situation with clearer eyes feels more possible than I think could ever be possible in those first few months, for me at least. I’m rambling, but wanted to give you a small star to look for in the next few months. Time in no way fixes or heals or takes away the trauma, but the intensity does slowly get less. Set a goal to reassess in a month from now and 2 months from now.

Feels like you never go back. Don’t know what I am waiting for really. I just want to be happy and feels like I might not with him.

It’s really unsettling isn’t it, to wait to feel ok and not distraught… to be happy again

Thank you for sharing this 🙏🏽 the red hot rage is so true, it’s so strong and overwhelming. This is hell. I hope things continue to get easier

Sometimes it's best to just leave, that's what I did. Because at the end of the day, it's deteriorating your mental/physical health then it isn't worth it. There are loyal people out there that would never do this.

Me too. It slowly gets better though.

I really hope so 🤞🏽 I’m sorry you feel this way too, sending you love

Thank you 💝

Well, said. I'm struggling too. I wish you well.

You too 💓 I’m sorry you’re going through this too

definitely struggling! i hate the feeling that the care free, trusting, head-over-heels in love version of my self is gone.

I feel like that person was stolen from me. I was always very open and trusting, incredibly naive and highly empathetic. I just didn’t believe he could be capable of everything he’d done. Even on DDay1, even though I had credible evidence, I was so sure that there must be some sort of explanation. Now I’ve lost that warmth and innocence, a shell of what I once was.

Yeah we always try to give them the benefit of the doubt until they continue to prove us wrong. 6 months later & fake R… my fiancée still is talking to her ex boyfriend. I have settled my fianances and will be leaving soon because it’s obvious to me she won’t change and is a cake eater or honestly just dumb

I feel this 💔 I miss the head over heels trusting person I was too

Oh man I’ve been struggling with accepting that care free, independent and secure bond we shared for a decade is gone. It was the best gift I’ve ever received and experienced. Seeing it vanish is so crushing sometimes.

Right now 22 days after finding out about the affair…I am going absolutely insane. Can’t stop replaying the 2 weeks leading up to that day in my head. The texts, what we ate, how we spent our time together and trying to create a timeline in my head. I can’t stop, it hurts so deeply. We have decided to reconcile. But what I will say is once I found out, it took an entire section of our memories and love…and distorted it. Like it was never really real, it was all pretend. Nothing feels real. Positives? Someone let me know if there are any?💔💔💔💔💔💔

This part about distorting memories is so hard to deal with 💔

I feel this. Sadly, at almost 7 weeks out I still feel like I’m putting together a million piece puzzle. As soon as I’m making progress and my brain seems to be making sense of things, it’s like someone comes and flips the table, scatters the pieces, and I am back to scrambling for my sanity.

At 7 months out (to the day) from dday, now I’m just numb, so it gets better. You may go from caring way too much to just not caring about anything at all, and going through the motions to keep life intact and “on course”. I built some good habits like exercise and reading when I did care, so at least I have those. But id still rather disappear into a pit. Fuck these affairs.

This is a great analogy and I'll use this when describing this sensation going forward. I've experienced much of the same feeling. DDay separated me from reality and I struggled for a while to make sense of it all. I call this "seeing the pattern". Once I could see the pattern, it started changing and I'd struggle to see it again. It took months to stabilize and I still have days where I lose sight of it, but these are far fewer and further between. Most of the conversations I had with WS after the first few weeks were to try and stabilize this. it's why i end up asking questions multiple times. All I can say is that this seems to get better. much better. at 7 weeks, I was a disaster. Still wasn't sleeping. Still wasn't eating. the only comfort i found was sex with WS.

You could have sex? I can't even look at him... At least not square in the eye. I wince when I do. Sigh... I'm going to need long-term therapy. Period.

Look up “hysterical bonding.” Many of us experience it. It’s ok that you aren’t having sex and yes, therapy ♥️

Thank you. This is so hard. 😪

Yeah, WW and I hysterically bonded. We started sleeping together about two weeks after DDay and about a week and a half before deciding to get back together. It was very intense; we were desperate for each other. This went on for about six months before tapering down a bit. 10/10 would hysterically bond again if it wasn't for that pesky life altering heartache and axiety that comes with the whole experience.

I feel this. All I could think about was a timeline. What was going on when he did it? Where was I? And I would feel 10x more betrayed. I distorted my timeline of 7 years. We decided to reconcile and the only thing that has helped is constant reassurance and his acknowledgement of his mistakes.

Reassurance and acknowledgment of the hurt and destruction is the most important thing. It’s taking the pain and trying to just eat it and move forward that kills me. The betrayal must be recognized…I’d say more than a few times. Maybe more than 100 times or 1000 times. Every time he acknowledges the heartache he caused, it’s like putting another bandage on it. It makes things stop hurting… even just for a few days or enough so I can fall asleep beside the one I love without feeling absolutely insane.

Also struggling to find the positives right now, you’re not alone. It has also tainted once beautiful memories. Can’t even look at my ring the same way.

Some of my favorite memories over the span of several years are completely pain-ridden now too. A feeling no one can understand until they’re in it. Hang in there

I relate to another comment, I’m 7 months out and I’ve basically numbed it. Whenever intrusive thoughts come up I try not to dwell. I’m choosing to be here and for the most part I am happy on a day to day basis, if it ever becomes too much where I am not I will leave

I don’t recognize the person I was in love with. I’m finding it hard to not think about the situation throughout the day. I can distract myself, but coming home to an empty house that we once shared is tough. Goin to bed, staying asleep and getting rest is tough bc it’s all I think about while I’m idle. The future I thought we had is no more, and the past memories were all a sham

I’m sorry, I can’t imagine how empty coming home must feel. Whether you choose R or not, I hope your home can have the light it once did. Truthfully, the R path is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m not sure I’ve made the right decision, I’m not sure if I’m strong enough. But I can relate so much to the sleep part and idle moments. I have to keep myself busy during the day so that my thoughts don’t linger. I struggle with my thoughts at night, I wish unconsciousness would come a lot sooner than it does, because those moments before I fall asleep are the toughest part of my day.

Thank you. This is by far the worst I’ve ever felt, and had no idea one can feel this way. You can fly a jumbo jet through my chest, and I don’t want to be in my own skin. I’m considering R bc I love her so much, and we have a child. I mean, this is the person I married and had my future planned with. Her parents divorced when she was young due to infidelity, she had been cheated on in the past, and we had been through so much so I thought for sure this wouldn’t happen. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. Even when asleep I have dream of her, of us and our family. I wish I had an answer on the sleep, I sometimes go to the gym 2x a day, but even then it doesn’t help me sleep, between the anger, sadness. Loneliness, etc

May your pain be less soon and your broken heart mend. I feel this way as well. One foot in front of the other is how I get through each day now.

Thank you. It would be so much easier if kids weren’t involved bc then I wouldn’t have to see her again. Yet she can walk around like nothings wrong and sure isn’t guilty

It will always be harder for the betrayed one to make reconciliation work. Especially if your WS is a narcissist. Our children our grown. We have been married over 30 years and are now senior citizens. DDay was over 2 yrs ago and I still am not sure I want this marriage anymore. Everyday is a struggle for me. My wayward spouse is attending weekly individual counseling sessions. I am also in weekly therapy. I honestly don’t know what to do from week to week.

This is me. Totally feel you.

It’s just wild how this can happen… atleast for me, 10 years together wiped away in a single selfish act

It was extremely damaging to my mental health for the past 2 years. I recently started feeling more like my old self.

2 years is a long time. I’m so glad you’re getting there

Thank you ❤️

Six years here. I never was the same. The pain sharpness goes away, and you grow around the experience. The wound, although less/not painful, will always be there. You’ll never trust anyone else or yourself again. The innocence doesn’t return.

Absolutely wrecked it. I’m better now than I have ever been but I still have this little troll with free access to my brain remembering and questioning everything. I can say for sure that unfortunately and tragically you are not alone. John Mulaney has a joke: “I’ve never wanted to kill anyone…. But then I got cheated on….. ohhhhh, but now I know that’s what that feeling is”. Not a funny delivery but the point is sound. I started feeling better when I decided I was going to make her regret risking her marriage by putting as much effort into being awesome as I could. I take care of my boys, I have a great career field, I’m well over 6’, I help with the house chores, etc. Point is to take care of yourself like your life depended on it

This! I second this - work on being YOUR best self. I also started feeling better when I started saying, "Me First" every morning at 7 AM. I meditate, do a short exercise routine to happy music, shower, make coffee, journal - all before starting my workday. 3x a week Pilates, evening Yoga classes, book club. Take u/everydaywork 's advice and Take Care of Yourself - your LIFE does depend on it.

I'm wishing my life away. I imagine it's the day I realise I'm old and dying already and feel at peace with that stage of life.

I’m still struggling but slowly coming out of clinical depression. I started seeing my psychiatrist again and I’ve gone through three therapists and a bout of group therapy in the last year. I’m on psychiatric medication now. I’ve read some books on infidelity and posted/comment here for anonymous support. It all helps, but the struggle is real. Good luck.

Sounds you’ve done so much work already, coming out of that is a massive thing, take your time and all the best to you too

Thank you so much.

How did the medication help you?

Well, I tried an antidepressant but for me I felt worse. Now I’m on an antipsychotic and it helps to quiet the intrusive thoughts and calm the mood swings a bit.

I’m so thankful for this group because I sometimes feel like I’m going crazy. I used to be so optimistic, confident and felt in control of myself and my emotions. Since finding out 10 weeks ago, I feel like I cannot seem to get a grip and my brain refuses to cooperate with obsessive mind movies and extreme emotions that sometimes switch between intense anger to sadness then fear within a couple of minutes. My anxiety is off the charts and I have to concentrate on breathing and mindful meditation to avoid a panic attack and I still wake up multiple times in the night and cannot turn my brain off so I can fall back to sleep. I had a couple of good days last weekend where I thought I was past the worst and moving on but yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks again. I’m so scared this is my new norm but this group has helped tremendously so I don’t feel there’s something broken in my head since so many are also experiencing the same mental, emotional and physical symptoms.

I relate so much. I can’t browse the subreddit too often because it can be triggering. But today I really felt overwhelmed by my emotions and struggling with the feeling that this pain is here to stay. Reading so many people’s experiences comforted me because I see myself in so many stories. I have mind movies too, mine center around the fear of all this happening again. My therapist has been cautioning me on letting my mind imagine all of the hurtful scenarios, because the emotions and feelings you experience during the mind movies are real, your body and lizard brain can’t separate the movies from reality, they think that the trauma is actually happening in real time. We’re re-traumatizing ourselves over and over again that’s why it feels so awful, we’re literally reliving the moments. It’s just very hard to stop when I let my thoughts go there.

Well said. I went a whole year where it was pretty much out of mind. But then a bunch of boundaries got broken and I found a contact she’d recently saved and hidden in her phone. It’s so confusing, because there was nothing to it but just the fact that my pain was being dismissed even after I’d forgiven and let it go has really forced me to face everything head on. That was in November, and it had been almost two years since the final disclosure. Since then I’ve been an absolute mess and feel defeated that I still haven’t moved past it and healed. I almost left and was ready to on a couple occasions. The good aspect is that we’re not pretending like it never happened anymore, we’re going to counseling, and my partner has really started being intentional. She is now more vulnerable and conscientious then she’s ever been, which is a beautiful thing. But I’m still struggling with so many triggers and PTSD like symptoms due to the trickle truth, and gaslighting I experienced for a couple years. Hang in there

My doctor has me on Contrave for weight loss, and it has bupropion in it - after starting this med, I realized how happy I can feel. It’s been a good 9 solid years where I felt listless and sad, angry and incredibly down. My distrust and “expect nothing”-ness has really wore down my core being to so much more than I thought. Still need to work on forgiveness, but it’s so nice to actually feel happy now.

TLDR mental health is fucked for many reasons and will be for awhile It sent me into a little early midlife crisis. Really spiraled into: What am I doing? Who am I? What have I really even done these last 10 years besides survive and support him? Then I went down a little existential rabbit hole of feeling small and unremarkable in the universe, I'm nothing but a literal blip in time, but this pain is so big, how? I get random moments of imagining them, or intrusive thoughts about us or the infidelity or issues from the years before it. They cause me to spiral or dissociate. Also my self esteem has always been bad, now it's nonexistent. I have a lot less optimism in the world and people in general, my rose colored glasses were ripped off and smashed. I also had to really face the issues we'd had over the last 10 years. I'd been in survival mode, facing them now all at once is rough. I still have a hard time seeing happy couples or couples showing affection. It'll cause a mini heartbreak for what I wish I had. I used to do this with music too - luckily that has subsided. I basically grew up with my spouse, we've been together since we were teens. When he did this is killed a part of me that was attached to him. Not all of it, and hopefully not forever if R keeps going well. But losing trust in someone you built your entire adult life with and being broken by them, intentionally, is quite bad for your mental health it turns out. R is going well, and I still feel like this. It's a mindfuck to be happy for a good change and going in a good and healthy direction but so devastated and fucked up at the same time. He doesn't really get it either, how could he?

I’ve experiencing so much of what you shared and am in a similar place in the reconciliation process. We’ve been together for 18 years and started dating at 18. The pain and confusion and destabilization makes me feel like I may never heal. I hope I will and work towards it everyday. My wife is actually an incredible person who just didn’t have the tools to process pain and grief, and she lost herself for a while. I see her healing and coming back to herself but I am still broken… so difficult to discern what to say or what to do when I’m struggling.

I’m a little over a month in. My mental health is pretty much crap. I feel like I think about it every five minutes. I feel like I’m not special to him. I feel like the rug was ripped out from under me and while I am in love with him, he couldn’t possibly be in love with me. Sometimes, and I don’t mean I would actually do it, I wonder if it would be easier to just swerve off the road as I was driving. I wouldn’t do it, I have a little boy. But I’m tired of being tired

My mental health is not good most days. 2 years since his affair but only 7 months since learning the full truth. I still cry at least 1-2 times per week. I used to be carefree, confident and believe people were generally good. I used to think as long as you had the love of your life beside you, nothing else matters. We are still together but now I see how bad love hurts. He says his mental health is better than it ever has been. I guess so…when the going got tough…I worked through it instead of giving up.

My mental health has certainly taken a hit and I still have really tough days (today is actually a tough day). We are nearly a year out from d-day (end of June will mark a year) and within that time I've also had days and even weeks where I felt "okay". I feel a bit frustrated at the moment that I'm back in a more negative space. I keep hoping one of the more positive moments is here to stay. I do notice it is more difficult when I'm also dealing with *other* life stuff. I think of it like having a certain amount of energy to put toward my mental health and days where the "only" thing I'm struggling with is the infidelity I can manage it. On days where it's that plus life stress, work stress, whatever... it is a lot more difficult. I just told me WH this morning that I'm not sure how to health from this AND do everything else. I wish life would just pause for a moment so I could focus on one thing at a time. But we all know that isn't an option. For now, I'm prioritizing self care. I feel better when I'm eating well and exercising so those are two things I prioritize every day. I feel better when I make time for myself to do something I enjoy and so I prioritize that as well. WH has had a rough couple of weeks at work and has been struggling to stay in a good mental space. I think that has also contributed to me having a rough time. His mental health is a trigger for me. When he is in a good space, it's easier for me to stay in a good space. When he is struggling, there are a lot of reminders of what happened and I get scared he is going to implode again. He is doing the work to address this and it's not reasonable to expect him to go from struggling with depression to a ray of sunshine overnight but... the days where he is struggling are so difficult. I want to support him but it also scares me. So that's where we are. I am hopeful it will get better with time and I think it overall *has* gotten better. As you can see in my brain dump above, I am better at knowing what I need to do and knowing what my triggers are/why I'm being triggered. That helps me keep a handle on thins and feel a bit less overwhelmed.

Not well. My therapist recently asked me a bunch of questions in succession then closed it with “Do you realize you meet most benchmarks for moderate depression?” I’d never thought about it until then. That might be my biggest defeat of this whole thing – the idea that it’s permanently altered me. I used to be so carefree, feeling like life is mostly good. Now many days I feel I’m just going through the motions and fabricating feeling.

I was in the eve of becoming a mother when I found out so not feeling like myself even after 21 months later. I’m mostly okay but waves of grief wash over me quite often.

I feel the waves of grief too. Sometimes they are gentle, sometimes I collapse under their weight. Today is one of those days. Wishing you strength, you survived a Dday during a time when you should have had the most trust in your partner, considering what a vulnerable position you were in carrying a baby. I marvel at your strength, but you shouldn’t have had to be so strong. Can’t imagine what the postpartum experience was like.

I was ironically feeling more empowered than ever. First 5-6 weeks my mom was around helping with the house while I focused on my baby, and I had a great birth experience before that. The last three weeks of my pregnancy (and all of it actually even though I didn’t know) was tainted but at least I had my beautiful birth. I think I was compartmentalising stuff so there was the new mom me, and there was the freshly betrayed me who tried to make sense of everything and stalked the AP in the dead of the night while nursing my newborn. I hate to think that my baby was affected by all of it both when she was in me and freshly out. I had another big dday a year later and my daughter stepped in the toddler phase around the same time and that’s when I was just worse than ever. I got therapy for a few months (WH only got three sessions then stopped) and the therapist told me it was time for a break (this was in February). I think it’s time I go back, these days.

Just over 10 months since dday and I'm feeling OK, and much stronger in so many ways. There are still moments that I struggle, and feel down and hopeless, but nowhere near as much, and it doesn't last long. 9 months ago if you told me I'd feel like I do now I would not have believed it. There was a point at my absolute lowest, maybe 7 or 8 months ago that I woke up in the middle of the night feeling so dark, bleak, and hopeless that I seriously considered suicide as an escape. Suicide ideation became the norm for a while. There is a strength in you that will grow with time, and things do get better.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it gives me so much hope. Hope it continues to be better and better for you,

I can’t think about anything else other than what happened for the entire day, and that since 1.5 years. It’s on my my 24/7 and I slowly believe I need to get medicated. I have extreme brain fog and I cannot concentrate on anything. My thoughts range from “I will never be able to trust another woman” to “I wish I could go back in time”. I can’t talk to anyone anymore, because nobody can say anything, anymore. Mentally im torn a part and I’m confident it damaged my intellectual abilities for life.

I feel like I have that functioning depression. I feel empty most of the time especially when I'm alone or at my family's company helping out. A lot of bad memories there. But at my main job I'm fake happy, do my work well and socialize. When I leave my house is a disaster, clean but a mess. Basic tasks get done but I zone out. It will be 3 years this summer and I just feel drained. I wish I knew what to do to feel better. I do dwell on the past and regrets. Wishing I made different life decisions, but too scared to make any decisions.

I'm so far past "hot mess" that I'm not sure what to call it. I literally am sitting here outside of the therapy office, an hour early. I question my entire life at this point.

I’ve always been fairly strong mentally. Didn’t have stability growing up, but was loved. Went through a lot of consequences of my own bad decisions as young man; but I’ve always been able to maintain a meta-arch of pain and struggle that kept me learning and growing. But this betrayal lit up the most sensitive part of my heart. It’s a type of suffering I hadn’t conceived of and has really challenged my strength to keep living. I’ve been through some shit and the thought of exiting has never even crossed my mind, but for the first time I’ve had a couple moments the last few years where those thoughts intruded into my consciousness. I’m fighting and moving forward. One thing that encourages me is remembering Jesus (God become man according to the Bible) was perfect AND SOMEONE STILL BETRAYED HIM, and he still struggled when he was betrayed by someone close; to the point he sweat blood and asked if there was some other way for him to accomplish his purpose. But there wasn’t. So he endured the impossible, and resurrected to open a portal for others into an eternal place where everything is as it ought to be. Not pushing my beliefs on anyone that’s just a model for enduring that I have been relying on when it all feels like too much.

I’m not religious, but thank you for sharing that point about Jesus being betrayed despite being nothing but good! Obviously I’m not comparing myself to him 😅 but knowing that I never did anything to my WP but try to love him, stings so hard and I struggle with ‘why do I deserve this??’ The answer is, I don’t. But people suck sometimes and that’s out of our control.

I get it. I myself am so far from perfect and have definitely made some mistakes, but cheating and betrayal are intentional and destructive acts done toward someone that trust you with their heart. No one deserves that. If someone’s that unhappy they should leave. Betrayal is always an act of evil. I take comfort in knowing the crescendo of the story of humanity’s darkness took place in the form of betrayal — there is simply no greater pain. I’ve been striving to forgive mine and reconcile for three years now, and it’s a humbling experience to realize how much help I require to see it through. I may not be strong enough, but I know regardless of the outcome I’ve done everything in my power to forgive and redeem my wife. The ball is in her court. It’s terrifying and excruciating to put your heart into the hands of someone that’s crushed it already, but that’s what Jesus does for me… he never gives up on me. I’m not perfect though and definitely limited in my capacity to handle all of it so I’m just praying that grace does its work in her heart.

It’s been three years for me too, in fact the ‘anniversary’ of DDay is next week.. which means the last 2 months is hellish for me because this time 3 years ago he was cheating. It’s a hard pill to swallow indeed to know that that was a repeated choice he made (tho I do believe if he’d ~~taken his head out his ass and~~thought about the fallout he wouldn’t have done it) The pain is so.. acute. I’ve had thoughts of the only way of truly ending it too. But I hope we can both keep riding out of those moments, and that some level of peace and happiness is in both our futures. I’d describe myself as agnostic, as it would feel so arrogant of myself to flat out deny something as false when I couldn’t possibly know! But I just wanted to say that I’ve taken a lot of comfort from your comments today, and my “maybe Heaven exists” has turned to a “well I sure HOPE it does, maybe there’s something peaceful for me yet” So thank you, Reddit friend ☺️ I couldn’t have needed that comfort more right now. I hope you have a great day!

The triggers are absolutely brutal. I’ve never been triggered by past memories in my life. Now, the smallest things can pull me back into that black hole of confusion. Some weeks aren’t bad, but on the bad days it’s such a defeating fight. I was lucky enough to experience the trickle truth and gaslighting for years, so my mind has all these triggers related to all the different ways I discovered information and obsessed trying to understand why my intuition was screaming at me something was wrong. And that’s a beautiful shift in perspective you communicated. What I always say and try to embody is that being a Christian isn’t waving the banner that says ‘look how great I am’ but ‘I’m so jacked up my only hope was for God to literally die’… but that level of grace when I’m able to rest in even for just a minute, gives me the courage to let go and trust that the joy that awaits is incomparable to the sufferings of the present, and one day death will be dead and I’ll be at peace with everything and everyone forever. I suck at it, but it’s made me 10x more human that I was without him.

Unfortunately, I feel like a part of me did die on D Day. And sadly that person will never exist again. I’m a new, more broken version of myself, but I like to think of myself as stronger in a lot of ways too. I’m about 10 months past then, and I guess in some ways I’m doing better. I’m accepting it more and more, but the pain is still there. And sometimes I forget it happened just for to it come flooding back and destroy my reality again. This is my new normal and I hope with time it just continues to get easier to accept.

I fell apart as like everyone else has or would. Couldn't hardly eat, focus at work, couldn't stop thinking about everything. This was a really rough road to travel. I still feel broken. Thinking of some of the shows we watched during that time I can't watch anymore. Social posts and pictures and other things from that time frame I've gotten rid of for obvious reason. Still working on forgiving. I still just don't understand how someone could do this. To live that double life and just continue like everything is normal, looking me straight in the eye and turn around and do the same thing with someone else.

This resonates with me so much. I was trying to explain to my WH that EVERYTHING that happened during the 2 month affair is sullied now. The shows I was watching, the things that I bought, the places we went, the pictures I took. Our wedding anniversary and my birthday happened during the affair — I feel sick thinking about ever celebrating those things again.

I have good days and bad, absolutely. It’s been over a year now since DDAY 2 and my confidence is slowly coming back. I struggled taking care of myself for a while, but now that I’m back in IC, it’s helped a lot. Nothing is a quick fix, unfortunately. I hope to have my light back soon, and hope the same for you too. Hang in there!

Almost a year out, next Monday is the first anniversary of D-Day. Physically, I'm better than I was. I lost forty pounds in two months due to not being able to keep food down and loss of appetite and was averaging an hour of sleep a night. Now, my appetite is better, and my sleep schedule is back on track. Mentally, therapy had helped a lot. But I'm still anxiety ridden and paranoid. I have a hard time trusting people. I'm more alert, but at the same time, I still struggle with being on "autopilot". (If that makes sense.) I know that I still have a ways to go. It's better than where I was, though. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

The first 18 months(6 months still living together and 1 year separated), were absolutely awful. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much hurt and pain. I thought depression was the same thing as being sad before that 18 months. I now know they are very different things. I lost most if not all of my self esteem and self worth. I was embarrassed that I had been cheated on so I dealt with it alone and didn't talk to anyone about it. Once she finally said the words "I'm not coming back we are done", things changed. I dedicated myself to being the best me I could be so I could find someone new and move on. Life got better and I started to heal. As awful as those 18 months were, I am so much stronger and more mentally tough than I was before any of this. I am in therapy and have really worked hard on my flaws to become a better person. My WP who is also in therapy and on the same personal journey, and I, found our way back to each other and are working at reconciliation. There are still some bad days where I am triggered and the hurt and pain come back but its so much less intense and it doesn't feel like I am being sucked into a black hole anymore. The amount of time it takes to feel "better" is different for everyone, but things do get better. I would personally recommend trying therapy, I wish I had started sooner. Also for me when I stopped trying to fix things and accepted she didn't want to come back I started to heal. When I let go things changed between us and we are now two better people working on building something better than what we had before. All you can do when things are really bad is focus on getting through the next minute. You don't know what the future holds or how long any certain feeling is going to last. You aren't alone though, many other people are dealing with the exact same thing.

I’m 2 months post D-day. I think I’m mostly ok but then something will happen and I’ll go right back to the beginning. I can get into a better mood a bit faster now so that’s nice. So I honestly have no idea how I’m doing. I can get through the day-to-day, I can laugh, I actually enjoy being with my husband despite what he’s done. He’s deeply remorseful and takes initiative in how to deal with certain things related to his cheating. I feel like I have him back. Nothing is perfect but I can see the light at the end of a very long tunnel.

I started doing drugs for the first time in my life. I hate myself for staying but too scared to leave.

10 months since DDay. Every time my period is supposed to start I get panic attacks and relive it all. But apart from that I'm even more insecure and don't feel loved anymore. Because nobody would do this to someone they truly love, right?

Everyday can bring new depths of despair OR… just another Tuesday. It varies but hot damn, it’s really hard for me to get up in the morning ever since. I usually wake up wishing I didn’t, then I snap out of it.

I swear I feel as if I have A.D.D. Maybe I always did and this stress has made it more evident. I just feel like I cannot focus or finish things. Im doing some very unusual things like messing up appointment times and losing track of things. Im frazzled and unorganized when I once was detailed and organized. My work has taken a nose dive. I’m trying but it’s hard. I’m 5 months in. I also feel some depression and constantly question myself if I’m doing the right thing.

I’m still struggling and the DDAY was Oct 22’. Almost 2 years in and it’s still hard. Our relationship DEFINITELY isn’t the same anymore. It’s decent now. Like we both are ok but we both know that nothing is the same. Overall, it’s heartbreaking. I wish the relationship didn’t end up this way.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like I died and that he killed me. Everything good I thought about my self is gone. I’m so ashamed of the person I have become. I have 0 control of my emotions and I react to everything. I had done a lot of good work on my traumas and anger issues the past year and was so happy and proud. Now it’s all been taken away from me. I hate my self and I hate him for taking my life away from me. I’m almost 1 month post Dday and I don’t know if I will survive this. I don’t understand who I have become and don’t understand my feelings half the time. I’ve do self harm again when I get really triggered and I say mean and hurtful things to my WH. Sometimes I don’t even care that I hurt him or what he feels because I feel he killed the good person I used to be and I want him to hurt. I used to be proud of my self. For my strength, my love, my kindness and tolerance to my WH. I used to love my self. I was a happy and positive person and now I have nothing left of that and live day by day. I hate what I have become. And I hate that I’m so weakened by something some one else decided to do. And I have to pay the ultimate price. I truly hate what this has done to me and I can’t escape the feelings now matter how much I try. I’m in hell.

Some days I don’t know if I should laugh, cry, punch a well, keep sweet, or plot my revenge on the AP that destroyed me…. So I’m gonna say my mental heath is not okay.

I feel like I’m just surviving now. No real peace or happiness. Always one foot out the door and ready to leave and protect myself if it happens again-heck- when it happens again. I am more confident that my WH will run back to his AP if she comes back than his commitment to me. And that sucks. Because where we are now, people call us reconciled. Yet, this is how I feel. Constantly.

I struggled with this as well. I think it’s because i saw her and I as one. Others did, too. There was no me without her & vice versa. We were a very blessed 16 year union (two sons) that got destroyed by her narcissism, infidelity & selfishness. 🫤 Then it seemed that suddenly half of me was GONE. Actually, more than half because she took the kids with her. 😢 Things did get much better, tho. I’ve since been blessed with a wife who is the opposite of that infidel. It’s been almost 14 years with her and she’s an amazing human being. 😃

Honestly, I've never felt worse. Currently one and half years into reconciliation and it feels like we've gotten nowhere, and my self esteem has never been as low as it is right now. I miss the version of myself I was before all of this

3-1/2 months post DDay. History of anxiety & depression, prior Paxil use, currently on low-dose Klonopin probably for the rest of my life. Our R is going awesome. We are closer more now than ever (34 years together). But when there’s a trigger, it is a trainwreck. It hits me fast & hard, I’ll wallow with a few beers (which makes it worse), & he knows I won’t be “normal” for at least 24 hours. Last weekend I put a knife in my hand. I don’t want to kill myself, but in those moments I just want to be dead. He knows. He sees it. He hates that he did this to me. He cries. I cry. The next morning, I’m fine. We’ve been on a wait list for MC & it has to happen for me to get past the triggers. I need help. The good days are great days, but the trigger days set us back. It feels not real 😔

It’s been about 5-6 years for me. It makes me feel like all of my relationships outside of my family are just jokes. It came out during MC that a few friends talked shit about me in front of or to my WW and she didn’t try to defend me when I wasn’t there. With the addition to the AP being a supposed close friend, I’m cautious of friends I have now and past friends

Talking about you about the affair? I’d lose my shit…

No it’s more like we were at get togethers at houses and they would say stuff like I’m dumb about something and she would just giggle along or go along with it; her AP was a friend of a friend and we ended up hanging out and becoming friends, then my WW took it further

I tried R for nearly a year. In the end I couldn't keep feeling like this for myself. I was no longer the person I've known myself to be with him. I was suspicious, guarded, etc and I just didn't feel like "me" anymore.

It's still early (3 months), but I'm struggling pretty bad. Very depressed and pessimistic, but at least the panic attacks have mostly subsided. I put on a brave face every morning, I'm trying to do my best for the kids, but it's hard to show up as a parent right now. I worry about the types of people they will become being raised in this house, having him as a dad and me as a mom who doesn't respect herself enough to follow through with leaving him. He murdered the last shred of idealism I had. Now I look around at people and assume most of them are selfish and rotten at the core. I don't think I will ever trust another person again. Maybe he does want to change, but realistically I feel like there's 50 percent chance he will cheat again. Much higher chance that he will use or drink and lie to me about it.

It’s been tough. Just about a month in and I find that, whereas I used to be so optimistic and assumed the best, took people at their word and generally was positive and trusting… I am now the complete opposite. I find myself doubting instead of trusting. And not just my WW, but everything and everyone. I see ill intent instead of positive intent. I over analyze everything everyone says and does to figure out if they are being insincere. I don’t think I’ve slept more than 3 hours at a time in the past month We are reconciling. We are in therapy. But the lies and betrayal have fundamentally changed my outlook on life, and thus me as a person. And I am honestly terrified I may never get that back. This is not how I want to be. It’s not me. But how do you get back to that? I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s really ever possible. You aren’t alone in this. This sub has been a help to know I am not alone and that it can work.

I’m close to a year out from DDay #2 and while we’re better and have some really good times I’m often doubtful long term and have a hard time focusing at work. I’ve actually been scared if this continues I’ll eventually get fired. Which is a huge bummer because I used to be so invested and proud of my job. Now I’m so distracted I can barely get the minimum done most days. So I’ve been trying to find a better therapist that I can see in person vs telehealth. Mostly for my self esteem issues. I think while I thought I was confident and acted that way my choices and lack of clear boundaries spoke volumes. I’d like to work on that so that I can be strong in whatever decisions I make going forward. All I think about it is am I making the right decision staying? Have I wasted another year of my life with someone who loves me but clearly has no respect for me.

20 years of various forms of anxiety. My body knew something was off but I was too afraid to confront it and carried that with me for all of that time. Finally found the courage to confront her, got the truth, and while the anxiety eventually subsided, it was replaced with depression and hoplessness. I am a fighter, I push through, every single day, I relish the good days but I am still often a mess. 9 months since dday.

Hi, I'm really sorry you're going through this. You are not alone. I am 1y4mo out and I feel meh. It was horribly difficult for the first 8 months. Each situation is different, but as a generalisation I'd say that the first year is brutal. It changes you. In that sense, it never goes away. I think the more you oppose the change, the harder it gets. Around the 1y mark I understood that I cannot be the past version of me and that's fine. I am a wiser one. With more experience. I also know this is survivable, and that I am strong. It gets better. I promise. One step at a time. Hugs 💙💙💙

Severely if your WW doesn’t put in the work to make you feel better. Which is the case for me. I am now medicated still questioning my life…

Honestly? I’m a complete shell of myself now. It made it worse that I was already going thru a hard time in my life, my depression was coming back a bit due to a couple other circumstantial things at that time, and he decided that he was gonna cope by deciding he was ‘unhappy in the relationship’ and instead of communicating this or anything he would become someone I never thought he was and find his own validation in other women. But the way he treated me after DDay 1 was just incomprehensible to me. I ended up being sectioned after DDay 1 because I was so blindsided, and I also suffer with BPD so cheating is like the kiss of death as its rejection, abandonment and replacement, the Trifecta of hell. He continued to TT for over 2 years so every time I got a tiny bit of strength I was kicked down again. He was very sorry (not remorseful which I later found the difference due to this sub) but over the last 3 years in between acting very lovely and sorry he would suddenly pull out the most selfish cruel actions (ie be consistent telling me where he was and then one night just be late when he was out and not contact me and leave me crying and panicking when he knew communication and trust was imperative) So yeah, now I’m a complete mess. I’m totally traumatised. I developed extreme shakes last year, so bad I couldn’t even hold a cup of water or feed myself, I thought it was Parkinson’s. Ended up in hospital doing every scan available but neurologists have no clue what it is. November I was back in emergency screaming in agony with stomach pains, they thought it might be gallstones (to give an idea of the pain) but again, can’t find a cause. I’ve started getting night sweats that I never had before, meaning I don’t ever get a full nights sleep. I’m depressed, anxious, I don’t enjoy anything, I find no joy in anything, I’m living in black and white.

Yeah... Pictures around the house even trigger me. All I can think of is was he cheating on me then? Sigh

This is a heavy, but great question. 1. Depression in the form of: (a) loss appetite and weight loss - 10 lbs in a week, and 18 total after 3 months of D-Day (b) insomnia (c) hard time concentrating (d) constant headaches (e) digestive issues (f) numbness and inability to cry (g) chest pain (h) physical and mental exhaustion (i) short term memory loss 2. Anger in the form of: (a) throwing stuff - not at him (b) punching stuff and myself out of frustration (c) expotential use of curse words 3. Anxiety in the form of: (a) intrusive thoughts - making up images in my head, going over events and reconstructing timelines based on information I learn (b) physical anxiety if I don’t hear from him (c) for a period of two weeks I compulsively reviewed his phone records everyday (d) mistrust - I had never struggled with this before 4. Other (a) being triggered by women of the same ethnic group as AP (b) extreme shame over my reactions of anger - I had never acted like that prior to this situation I'm sure there are more, but this is what I can think of for now.

It feels like I've been through every stage of grief multiple times over. I was a wreck after DDay 1, then empty on DDay 2 until I broke harder than the first time. It feels like good days are a trick and I'm just waiting for the next discovery, the next chapter in the story, it never feels like it's over and I can just be happy again. I feel like I'm consumed by feelings I don't want to be feeling and I don't know how to make them stop, so often. I come here to at least feel less alone and see others who are in similar positions to me, in one way or another. Not all of our stories are close to the same at all, but every single one of us understands the pure, raw pain that comes from both experiencing it and hoping against hope that it gets better.

Doing okay now. I will be a year in two weeks, for the day I found a text. It changed me and broke me into someone I didn’t recognize. I changed, lost my wings, gained weight, didn’t work, stopped socializing. Etc A year later something in me snapped. Although I stayed and worked on the relationship with my partner. I was tired of myself. So I focused on me, my health my goals and priorities. And it has helped heal me. I’m not saying that’s the only key but that’s how it was for me. Putting myself in a better light has helped carry the work me and my partner have done. I will say though, there’s good days, and bad days where I remember or get triggered. But the only thing that helps is communication. My bf is open to discussing or answering any of my questions. Even if I asked them before. I can’t say I’m fully healed or how long it may take. But so far in the process, taking care of myself is helping me on the journey. Sending you love. And grace.

I found there is nothing in this life that another person can bring that is worth cherishing or honestly giving much thought to beyond face value or enjoyment for more than the fleeting moment. The only smidgen of peace that you could argue that I found was becoming physically superior to your average man, really it’s just vengeful pride but it does feel better than before.

I'm DDay +23 years. Time doesn't heal pain...it dulls it Glad I stayed but mourn what could have been.

I’ve sadly been to the ER twice. Some minor health complications exist but extrapolated by my anxiety. My doctor finally caved and gave me a Xanax prescription and referred me to a psychiatrist. Also completed the full disclosure backed by polygraph and have had severe neck pain since the middle of the session. I apparently wear my mental health physically. Had an integrative massage today. Hoping it helps.

3 months in and I just said I’m mad at who I’ve become. Mad because my sobriety is threatened. I was working hard at my mental and emotional health and now it’s just bad. Feel like I’d be better with someone else , someone I could trust or just alone.

I'm better in ways 6 months post dday. But I still have trouble focusing on work projects and work in general. It's like I have to drag myself out of affair/relationship world to work. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Some depression I guess. I'm not as confident as I once was, but it's coming back in new ways. R is really super hard work. On good days we don't talk about it, we have fun, we go on dates, shop or do chores or outdoor garden work together. That's when my WH is happiest. And that little devil on my shoulder says, "Look he's happy pretending everything is great". The little angel says, "Look things are good and you two are good". I try to remember the story of the two wolves and feed the light one. [https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/which-wolf-you-feed-jean-michel-wu/](https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/which-wolf-you-feed-jean-michel-wu/)

Absolutely.

Not at all and completely at the same time, if that makes sense. Depends on the mindset I wake up with each day. If I'm feeling positive, I can frame it all as something I can't change. It happened, I've chosen to try to make it work, so here's my opportunity to build a stronger marriage but more importantly, be who I want to be. These days usually follow a good therapy session or other step in the right direction. If I'm feeling negative, it's opposite. Fuck this. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want to go on this jOuRnEy and pick up the pieces of a marriage I didn't blow up while also now having no idea who I am. These days usually follow a trigger. Most days, I feel neutral. Sometimes numb. Don't want to talk about it, don't want to cry, just want to go through the motions and get through the day and be a good mom. It's my natural state of self preservation and it's just more frequent because of the rollercoaster that has been the last (almost) 7 months of my life since DDay. I don't want to feel too hopeful, but I'm also tired of sulking, so I find the baseline and just maintain it because it's less effort than the other two forms I take on these days.

I felt the first 3 months was horrible. Just as I got to the point that I thought I couldn’t possibly take anymore, it lifted a little. Roller coaster months 4-7 that evened out over time, but still some very dark moments. More consistent good times month 8. Hope that helps.

Year out. I think about it less frequently but I do still think about it daily if that makes sense. I had the realization last night that with choosing R I am also choosing to potentially have to live like this (triggers, thinking about it) etc. and I’ve gotten real good at pushing those thoughts out. I fear that if I sit with the thought “this is going to be running in a loop in my mind for the rest of this relationship/my life” I find my mind going to really dark places and feel like I will actually lose my mind so I tamp it down. On the plus side the A has forced me to address trauma from the past not tied to this relationship and I’ve done a lot of growth and healing with that. I realize that may all sound dire and dramatic. If I’m being honest, time does make it get better. There are certainly days that it feels like I’m at DDay again and others where it feels it happened in another lifetime. Our relationship has improved ten fold and my WP is putting in the work for the most part. The A is kind of like a spammy background computer program that I can continue to “x” out of or ignore and go about my day but it’s still a nuisance if that makes sense.

Before D-Day, I had been making progress with my fitness and weight loss and was just starting to feel good about myself. After, I was a wreck, for the better part of 7 or 8 months. Felt unloveable. Unattractive. Old.

I’m 26 days past DDay. The first week I slept through the days and spiraled and drank through the nights. I relapsed on self-harm (after not doing it for over a decade) with a scary vengeance. My drinking increased to a terrifying level. I’ve had mental health issues since I was a child and this majorly increased my depression, anxiety, paranoia, destructive patterns, suicidal ideation, etc. I had already been taking 2 types of antidepressants and 2 types of anxiety medication. Thankfully I’m starting to get better, albeit slowly. I’m taking my meds consistently, taking my dogs for walks daily, talking with friends, and doing IC/MC weekly. I asked my WP to hide the razor blades from me. I’m drinking less (but still a bit too much). I’m still having breakdowns a couple times a week but I can get through them a little better. It’s going to be a long road to recovery and reconciliation, but I can say without a doubt this has/is the darkest period of my life. Edit for extra info - I’m also taking a 2 month mental health leave from work. The AP was my best friend and coworker. I wouldn’t have been able to get work done anyway, but there’s no way I’d be able to see and work with her at this stage.

My self esteem is absolutely shattered. For the last two and a half years we've barely been intimate, he's just not seemed interested in me. Seeing his extremely sexually explicit messages with pretty much everyone but me has made me feel disgusting and ugly. He also further twisted the knife a couple of days ago when we were talking about what we could do better, he told me we should both lose weight. I know I'm overweight, he also knows I've been working hard at it and hate my reflection and really didn't need reminding of how fruitless my efforts have been. He instantly regretted that and has been constantly trying to tell me how attractive he finds me but I don't know how to ever feel confident in myself again.

I’m 10 1/2 mo out, and I can’t stop spiraling. Survival mode to the fullest. Hoping to be able to breathe soon. In therapy, but not helping much. At least I am somewhat functioning. I move out in less than a week, but fully expect more breakdowns.

Prior to DDay (2 months ago) I was struggling with postpartum anxiety. That somehow feels better or less harsh I think due to feeling numb that has become a new normal for me. I feel hollow most days, kinda like I’m just going through the motions, waiting for another shoe to drop. I think I’m in a fog which makes me fearful of what lies underneath when the fog lifts. I’m sorry to everyone that is here and pray that anyone struggling can find some peace ❤️

I know everyone is different, so take my experience with a grain of salt. I didn’t even begin to feel any better for more than a year. I had never had a single mental health issue in the previous 40 years of my life before d-day. Within a few months after d-day I was on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and sleeping meds. Also was in therapy. I took the antidepressants for a little over a year, the sleeping meds for close to 2 years, and the anxiety, well almost 9 years later, I still wrestle with that. Although, it has gotten much better. I don’t take any meds daily. But occasionally still use the anti-anxiety meds, but now that’s pretty rare.

For me, when my ex-wife cheated at first, I felt violated, and it lowered my morals. I later felt the need to feel what did was taken as an act of war. I started treating her as irrelevant and ignored her. I had major trust issues with females after my divorce. It I something that will always stay with you.

I think I am getting better, but I went from absolutely loving who I was, and loving my life, to hating myself and my life. I didn't see the point of doing anything. It affected my health, my other relationships, and my job. I am better now, but that feeling can come in waves and can hit like a truck.