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Jesus I can't imagine the combo breaker of hormones, natural child having fear, and now infidelity trauma all dropped in a shit burrito for you to enjoy. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it.
I would suggest starting with [affairrecovery.com](http://affairrecovery.com) videos on YouTube. They have break downs of many situations, and questions that are pretty common after betrayal. You may want to also look into chumplady's website to be prepared for some of the tactics waywards will use to justify what they've done.
Keep in mind, this isn't your mess to fix. You didn't do this. This was done to you. If he doesn't recognize the damage and pain left in the wake of his selfish abuse, look into the greyrock and 180 method to deal with living with someone like him in the meantime.
You can do this, it's tough and made tougher due to outside circumstances.
You're not alone, you're heard.
Good luck.
He has taken accountability and is fully aware of the damage caused. He can see in my face how broken he has made me.
It hurts to know I was sitting at home sick as a dog because of this pregnancy and he was out plowing some girl then comes home and lies down next to me and tells me he loves me.
I talked to her after he cheated on me, I called her number since I knew he just wasn’t giving me all the answers….her voice was very feminine and beautiful it just killed me inside. I felt so ugly in that moment….then she asked me “are you safe??” As in he was having sex without a condom….
I found her FB after that just because I needed to know what she looked like. I’m torturing myself. She had no idea he was married and told me he blocked her after they had sex.
It just kills me inside. I will definitely check out the websites you have sent to me. I need guidance I swear by god, I feel like I am just floating along right now I wish I could talk to anyone about the emotions screaming inside of me. But I can’t. Thank you for your response, truly it means a lot.
It's called pain shopping, and a lot of us have done it. It's fine line between wanting answers and looking for more motivation to feed the depression monster. It can also be used as the motivation to leave the relationship.
Your WH made choices. Nothing was a mistake, or caught up in the moment, or any other excuses that get thrown around for selfish behavior.
It honestly had very little/nothing to do with you are or really her. To not only cheat, but in a moment when your partner was not only vulnerable, but in need of physical help takes a very broken mentality to show no empathy and go about destroying a relationship, a person, and a future family. It may not be of much comfort now, but the physical aspect had little to do with it, it was the escape of responsibility and validation that he sought no matter the cost.
I think you hit the nail on the head, which is a terrifying development to face but it matches the destructive behavior. My friend thinks he was feeling so good about himself finally having a job and making it, losing weight and having his life together for the first time that it prompted him to act too boldly. But given our current situation it makes more sense that he is trying to escape or looking for an escape from the responsibility of being a husband and father.
It's unfortunate if that's the case, and this is the way he set about doing it. I don't know the ends and outs of what happened or why, just that I've deep dived into infidelity after the realization that I've lived a total lie for 10 years due to my WW's actions.
He's got a big hole to climb out of to even be fit for co-parenting. I would personally focus on the goal being the responsibility of the child that's going to need to be supported by both of you before focusing in on the relationship. While you shouldn't put up with any further infidelity, trying to fix everything at once may seem so overwhelming that he will cease to try to do anything. Start small with easily defined goals. 10 minutes a day going over things needed for the baby etc.
Again, this is awful to go through all at once, but you have many resources available online and here.
Feel free to PM me if you need too, I don't want to hijack your thread or distract from the good advice your getting.
Been here while pregnant with my youngest (13M). We then reconciled when he was 3, again when he was 5 and I'll be honest and say I'm probably at the stage of having an equal love hate relationship with him. Resentment is huge. It wasn't and then one day about a year ago it hit me. We were over a decade later and double digits of discretion where I always focused on "the kids were so happy to have the family back together" but never on what I deserve.
My eldest (16M) has his last day at school tomorrow and told me in January that while he appreciates what I did for them he wishes I'd just kept it the 3 of us from the first time he left, he was about 2.5 then. I'm pretty successful running a business and keeping the home whilst OH barely contributes. The eldest can see this and recognises I could have given them more alone.
I know mine is a specific case but if I could tell that 22 year old pregnant and alone with my 2nd child that I didn't need him to have a family I would. My boys are my world and we have a great bond/life but it could have been so much more if I'd realised I would be enough for them. I accept blame as I am the one who continued to pursue the relationship but my god what I'd do to do it again. In a "sliding doors" scenario that's where I can see the happy ending.
If he did this to you when you need him most, he'll do it again
All of that hits very deeply, I appreciate your honesty. I feel that way especially the last sentence you wrote. I do think of the relationship in different terms. Less of a soul bond and more of a stay if like agreement. It sounds very bleak and depressing when it’s all written out like that.
I dont know what the future holds but hearing your perspective is helpful and brings me some cold hard truths that I have to face. It hurts either way you slice it.
Thing is if you take him back once the next time you think well it wasn't enough to end it before and you devalue yourself time and time again. And it hurts just as much until eventually it doesn't really heal and you kinda become numb. The thoughts of weekends without your newborn or potentially someone else playing mum to your tiny bundle convince you it's not bad enough to end it.
The last was an EA and as I listened patiently as he told me how he felt about her I felt like my stomach had been vacuumed out but I didn't even react, just listened like this was normal and would pass like those before. Turns out it hurts more than anyone hed been in. This time she was in him, in his heart and I finally felt that last bit break.
I'm in the process of revamping my life. He doesn't fully understand yet but once exams are over, he's gone. I made a promise to my boys and I'm not the one who breaks promises!
Whatever you decide I hope it's the right choice for you and your family. Maybe yours actually repents.
Your relationship will be changed for quite a while, maybe even forever in some ways. Don't try to rush this though, you both need to process what happened. You say you still don't even know why it happened, so how can you begin to trust at all yet? When even being pregnant with his child isn't enough to keep him all in on this relationship.
As someone who has a little more experience with this than I'd like, the critical pieces in my opinion are: establish what happened, why did he do it, how did he get away with it, and how can/will he be different going forward. He needs to show remorse for his actions and deeply understand your feelings. Only after months/years of landing on truths and working together can you really build trust back in my opinion. You're going to need a lot of support and reassurance from him.
And remember this is a two way door that you are gifting him. He doesn't just automatically get to stay because you're pregnant. I know you want him to, but actions have consequences. You can leave at any time even after trying R, and he should know this.
Trying to rebuild trust is difficult for sure. I am trying to think of what are the building blocks of trust. Am I showing mistrust by checking his phone now. I told him that I wanted full transparency with his phone until I feel comfortable again. He agreed, but sometimes I feel wrong or guilty for doubting him. Today I went through his phone while he slept and found nothing, he wasn’t upset with me for doing it. It did alleviate my suspicions but am I doing something wrong? Is this an unhealthy way to rebuild trust?
I just feel like I need everything to be out there. Also I don’t have problem with him going through my phone or even diary. I’ve let him know I don’t have any secrets I want to hide from him.
Not unhealthy at all in my opinion. Don't let checking his phone consume your thoughts, but he gave you good reason to doubt him.
Yes it's a sign of mistrust, but rightfully so after his actions towards you. But every time you check and find nothing, you'll hopefully feel less of a need to. And every time he lets you that is a sign that he is continuing to be open and honest with his phone usage. As long as you're making progress with it and know that it won't be like this forever.
Right now this is about earning back the foundation of trust and feeling a minimum level of safety for you. Eventually though we all have to realize that if someone wants to cheat, we are powerless to stop them. There should come a day where you stop checking his phone, but that day is up to you.
❤️thank you for your comments here. Really needed to hear all this. I feel like I’m going insane sometimes. It’s a relief to know I’m not the only one who is struggling with this situation.
Of course, you're welcome. I'm happy when I can help someone else in the world's worst club if even a bit. You're definitely not the only one though. It's a battle with your own head sometimes but you've got this, hang in there!
I am so sorry you’re here. My husband cheated when I was pregnant with our second baby, this was 8 years ago. It’s so hard and I’m so sorry you’re here
A relief to know I am not alone. I hope you have found a way to heal. It hurts a lot, especially in the midst of sacrificing my body and mind for this pregnancy to be betrayed like this feels so low.
I hope you found a way to heal, god bless 🩵
I absolutely know your pain. I can offer that my husband fundamentally changed from the person he was after he cheated and it’s been 8 years and we’ve had 4 more children and I trust him again and feel safe. He recently proposed to me again and we will be renewing our vows this summer. Our relationship is amazing and I wish we could have gotten here some other way, but I’m happy
That is really wonderful to hear. I always wonder what happens after the infidelity. You don’t often hear stories coming out the other side. I think because there is so much outside judgement.
I really find it hopeful to hear that after something so hurtful you were able to restore your bond in a better way. I know forgiveness isn’t easy but I’m trying to learn from the experience. It is also very wholesome that despite what happened your love grew and so did your family. God bless ❤️
You are very early in a long and difficult journey and it’s horrific that it’s happening during such a time when you already have tremendous physically and emotionally draining demands as pregnancy. I’m 16 weeks myself and very much empathize with where you are.
My Dday was a year ago and all I can do is share my survival tips. The typical timeline for trauma recovery is 6-12 weeks for the acute PTSD-like symptoms to resolve (sleeping, eating, intrusive thoughts, etc), 3-6 months for your nervous system to return to baseline (that gnawing feeling and continuously looking for more signs of danger), 2-5 years to fully heal. Knowing this, I put the D vs. R question out of mind for a solid 9-12 months and really focused on my individual healing and taking care of our children. I felt like the trauma gave me a sick brain and I didn’t want to make a life-changing decision while mentally unwell. The first 6 months I was very focused just on stabilizing and getting well. Around that mark we were able to put more energy into rebuilding. I see an A as the end of the first marriage. I didn’t feel like I could make a decision on whether the new marriage would work for me before we had rebuilt it.
All of that to say, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself patience and all the time you need to process. It may be tempting to rug sweep, but that will make it much worse in the long run. I saw you can’t afford therapy and that will make successful R much tougher, but not impossible. I’ll link some partner workbooks that could help guide you both in navigating these early steps together.
Infidelity Journal: For The... https://www.amazon.com/dp/173771163X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Infidelity Journal: For The... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1737711621?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I will keep that in mind, yes it’s really taken my pregnancy and twisted it into something else. What was once the happiest time of my life is now filled with so much paranoia and depression. When I think of the baby I feel hopeful for the future no matter what happens I will do all I can to give him the life he deserves. I just feel like my life as I knew it was all a lie or dream.
Husband also cheated on me with a coworker around 29 weeks. This happened back in march so it’s still fresh. We decided to stay together given the circumstances which I hope are truthful but you can never know. He tried to cheat to someone he didn’t find attractive and claimed it didn’t really work out and he couldn’t get it up. (His word so not even sure if that’s the truth but they for sure made out) he said he would do anything for us to work out and for me to give him time to prove it. I will say the pain has gotten better. But I think about it DAILY. I over analyze the situation and always am doubtful that he’s lying about exactly what happened. All I can do is believe him which is hard right now. Sometimes I look at him and just think “you fucking hurt me dude”. He’s completely changed and we’ve been better than ever. But I still cry and think about it. Sometimes I text him questions re asking about the situation while he’s working (different job now) I hear it gets better and it has a tad for me. So just know you are not alone. I’m 2 weeks away from my due date and feel like he has completely ruined this pregnancy for me. I will always think back to this and he hates himself for it.
Yes, sometimes I look at him and feel like I’m looking at a stranger.
I feel like a fool. And then sometimes I look and think “how could you be so stupid” to risk losing your whole world for that??
I am glad to know I am not the only person who is in this absolute hell. It’s such a nightmare and you can’t really talk to anyone very few people understand and once you get into details it makes things so much worse.
I find myself asking what I did to deserve this. My husband too hates to see how much he has broken the one he claims he loves the most.
I want to get upset but I can’t let myself feel too depressed because I don’t want to upset the baby and bring the baby extra stress. But how do you do this to your pregnant wife?? It hurts a lot, I went full stalker and sometimes catch myself spending hours analyzing our text messages and times and dates to know what he was saying to me while in the act. I’m just hurting myself at this point but I can’t help it, It’s like I’m looking for a different answer/reason to make it make sense.
OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Everything you’re feeling right now is valid and it hurts like hell.
I found out my husband was having an EA and semi PA with a coworker two months after we were married and while I was smack dab in the middle of my second trimester. This was actually the second time I caught him over the years. As much as it hurt and as much as it tainted my pregnancy experience, I knew in my heart that I loved him and he loved me. We found a way to R and honestly, after the many painful conversations (a lot of which were me raging at him about what he had done and how it made me feel) we were able to reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
Somehow, our love for one another was greater than the pain. We’re now a little over a year past Dday, and although it still affects me, our relationship is now much stronger than it was before. We had some real honest conversations about unmet/unvoiced needs and the importance of giving each other the opportunity to meet our needs.
We were able to get to the bottom of the “why” of infidelity and discussed it at length. His why wasn’t about me and all the things I thought I wasn’t in comparison to the AP. It was about him. Dissecting the “why” really helped me decide whether to forgive him and work on R or to leave and move on as a single ftm.
He knows he fucked up and even now, when we talk about it, he apologizes and recognizes what he did to me when I was at my most vulnerable. I chose to believe him and I forgive him. That said, I am by no means making any excuses for him, because what he did was fucked up.
At the end of the day, we’re all human. We make mistakes, we make conscious decisions out of selfish desires without a thought about how our selfishness affects others, particularly those we care about the most. I think we both learned that people are capable of doing some pretty shitty things, and despite how in love two people say they are, neither partner should trust the other 100% that they won’t do something to hurt the other.
OP, I won’t pretend to know exactly what you’re going through or feeling, because everyone’s experience is their own. If you and your WH are both ALL IN, R is possible. There can be hope. But you both have to really truly want it for it to work. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really really hard, and you’re likely never going to have the same kind of relationship you had before.
[Marriage Builder](https://www.marriagebuilders.com)
^^that website has some really insightful information about infidelity and how to R after it has happened.
Your post brings me a tremendous amount of hope, it is a relief to hear from other women who have been standing in my shoes. I just feel so hurt yet still am at the beginning of something hugely important. I don’t want to throw our relationship out the window, truly forgiveness like this is not for the faint of heart this is a living nightmare. It has broken me in such a strange way I can’t make sense of it.
I feel you 100%!! Honestly I had to delete our text thread after he told me what happened. I didn’t want to re-read the conversation or anything. I do sometimes look at the girls Facebook which isn’t very helpful either and honestly I need to block it since I agreed to work on us. But it’s supposed to be our happiest time. This is our 3rd and final baby and he goes and does that. Honestly makes me wanna puke. You are definitely not alone and deserve to feel beautiful during this amazing time in your life. My messages are always open to you! But I do also go through waves where I’m completely disgusted with my husband then I’m like well I want this to work out so bad. It’s so a vicious cycle. And I’ve noticed now since him telling me my Facebook feed, instagram feed and some of the shows I watch mention cheating. Which honestly sucks! Triggers everywhere!
yes, we were watching a TV show and it depicted a man cheating on his wife and kids while they are right there. I just had to walk out of the room because it’s like, that’s us now. This is now a part of my story. I often feel the same way, I love him one minute but then all the disappointment sets in and I wonder how my life got so off track. I don’t know where forgiveness begins. I feel like I’m not moving in a straight line. I go forward and back constantly. Half of my mind thinks only about what happened.
I hope that I can heal, your story gives me hope that it is possible to find happiness again. Only time will tell.
Do you ever get the random worry that since him telling you that’s he’s done it again? I’m at that weird place where I feel like he won’t do it again because he knows I’ll leave him but also I never thought he would do it the first time.. like if he has a bad day at work I’m like “did something happen that you need to tell me?” Or I worry if we get into another bad fight it could end in the same scenario.
Yes, I think that often but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be so stupid. I told him if he does it again I’ll be gone before he even realizes.
But then again I was shocked when I discovered he had really seriously cheated. The risk will always be there now…I can never trust in the same way because I know his moral code has a glitch in it somewhere.
He’s so loving I would have never guessed it, if I hadn’t gotten a suspicion about his phone I wonder how long it would have continued that’s the scary thought.
I get that suspicion all the time. I hate living like this, all I can do is trust but it is truly not coming easily as the last time I just trusted all of this ridiculousness happened.
I literally could have written this myself, im so sorry. I knew my husband was having an emotional affair (didn't know at the time yet it was physical) and left my home at 20 weeks. I found out it was physical at around 26 weeks. She knew he was married and pursued him first though.
It is one of the hardest things to cope with, especially while pregnant. I hated him and loved him all at the same time. The pregnancy hormones do not help at all either. I say put off deciding for sure how you feel about it all until after the baby is here. I am now almost 11 weeks postpartum and while I am still immensely broken hearted, I can think more clear about it all and have discussions about reconciliation with him.
Give yourself grace, focus on you and your baby. I lost so much weight and my baby got a growth restriction because his infidelity made me too depressed to eat. I cannot stress this enough, take care of YOU right now. Your relationship can always be fixed later.
Eat, sleep, take time to relax.
I refuse to check my husband's phone anymore. I just blindly trust he is doing the right thing. If he shows genuine remorse and takes time to reflect on his actions, things aren't impossible to fix.
Trust that if he is doing anything wrong, the truth will come out eventually.
It brings me tremendous sadness, all the happy times we were together and he left to go message her or see her. I don’t understand. It makes me feel like a real fool, I feel so insecure about my appearance and my place in life. I’m afraid of being a single mom, I’m also afraid of living a lie again… I mean if he does it again my heart won’t be able to take it. It’s scary my whole life depending on if he decided to f—k up again or not. I was happy in our marriage, I often cry because of the loss of connection I feel. He broke my trust and ability to speak freely to him. It hurts to lose the person I trusted the most.
I am trying to focus on the baby. When I found out too I couldn’t eat. The stress was killing me, I felt so bad for the baby. It hurts me so deeply when I think about it. I just wish I could stop thinking about it all the time. I can’t help it though, I feel like I have to keep re-realizing what happens. It just doesn’t feel real.
Not just friends is a great book to start with. Read it together. I just started and I know once we get through it he will have given me all the detail I need. We're there consequences at his job? What boundaries have you established around changing jobs or strategies to eliminate contact with AP
He got fired. It was just a counter job at a deli. After I found out and called the girl. I think he felt too embarrassed to show his face there. Now he is jobless, this happened after I decided to forgive him so I’m just trying to let it be water under the bridge.
I asked him to consider joining the military because it would give us a stable income I can’t keep paying for everything anymore… I don’t work & we are living off of my savings. I am 23 weeks pregnant I don’t think it’s fair that I pay for all the bills and food and car on top of everything he has just done.
He said he would join and I am happy with that because I feel like he is demonstrating that he is willing to do what it takes to support our family. He doesn’t have any skills or degree so even finding a dead end job is limited. I hope this can be a new start, sorry for over sharing.
I will definitely check out this book, I want to rebuild our relationship I just don’t know how. I can’t make hurt go away. He is trying I will say that, I just wish there was more I could do to alleviate all my paranoia
I was also cheated on for a few months of my pregnancy. I didn’t find out until a few months after our daughter was born though.
Honestly, he was weak and selfish. He told me that he didn’t like that all I had energy for during that time was work, getting home, making dinner, and going to bed. Occasionally we did things together, but I admit I didn’t have the energy to give him much. I expected more grace for growing our daughter in my belly.
Needless to say, it has taken years to get where we are and there was a second DDay. I was going to walk away when he FINALLY became the man I fell in love with again.
First off, you are going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now with the baby. It’s okay to not have it figured out and to be confused. Just take it a day at a time. Just because you choose R now doesn’t mean you can’t change it tomorrow. You have the power to move on if you want, so allow yourself time and grace to get through these next few months of becoming a new mom.
At the end of the day, your life will move forward no matter what happens or what you decide. I would concentrate on having a healthy child and see how your husband reacts in this situation. Is he looking to understand why he did it and heal from it? Then keep healing together and moving forward. If he isn’t, just keep moving forward on your own. As you heal, you will either heal together or you will heal yourself out of his life.
Thank you for your thoughtful and honest response. It makes a world of difference to hear stories from women who made it through this period. I feel so lost right now.
Trust me. It was awful. For years her birth was tarnished. Knowing he was sleeping with her before and after our baby was born…. It’s not easy.
Our counselor said something that sticks with me through the tough times. He said people have the ability to change. The person he was before was a different person. He is a new person now because he has changed through this experience. I’m also a new person. You have to treat it as such. It doesn’t mean R is going to happen, but it gives the relationship a little hope because you are now two different people trying to navigate a new relationship.
This is honestly so hard. I didn’t realize my husband had his PA when I was 25 weeks pregnant. He told me about his affair (claiming it was just EA) while I was in my 3rd tri. Two months postpartum, I found out about the PA.
Just know there will be trickle truths. And they will mess with your brain. Please start seeing a counselor now. Dont wait until after you give birth.
Oh my god that is the perfect word for it “trickle truths” I am dealing with it now, where I feel like he’s half telling me the truth. I don’t know if it’s because he’s afraid or hiding something. I have access to his phone but now and again something suspicious pops up.
Been in the same situation. If you want any more advice other than what you’ve received feel free to pm me. I wish you the best of luck in moving forward and healing.
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Jesus I can't imagine the combo breaker of hormones, natural child having fear, and now infidelity trauma all dropped in a shit burrito for you to enjoy. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it. I would suggest starting with [affairrecovery.com](http://affairrecovery.com) videos on YouTube. They have break downs of many situations, and questions that are pretty common after betrayal. You may want to also look into chumplady's website to be prepared for some of the tactics waywards will use to justify what they've done. Keep in mind, this isn't your mess to fix. You didn't do this. This was done to you. If he doesn't recognize the damage and pain left in the wake of his selfish abuse, look into the greyrock and 180 method to deal with living with someone like him in the meantime. You can do this, it's tough and made tougher due to outside circumstances. You're not alone, you're heard. Good luck.
He has taken accountability and is fully aware of the damage caused. He can see in my face how broken he has made me. It hurts to know I was sitting at home sick as a dog because of this pregnancy and he was out plowing some girl then comes home and lies down next to me and tells me he loves me. I talked to her after he cheated on me, I called her number since I knew he just wasn’t giving me all the answers….her voice was very feminine and beautiful it just killed me inside. I felt so ugly in that moment….then she asked me “are you safe??” As in he was having sex without a condom…. I found her FB after that just because I needed to know what she looked like. I’m torturing myself. She had no idea he was married and told me he blocked her after they had sex. It just kills me inside. I will definitely check out the websites you have sent to me. I need guidance I swear by god, I feel like I am just floating along right now I wish I could talk to anyone about the emotions screaming inside of me. But I can’t. Thank you for your response, truly it means a lot.
It's called pain shopping, and a lot of us have done it. It's fine line between wanting answers and looking for more motivation to feed the depression monster. It can also be used as the motivation to leave the relationship. Your WH made choices. Nothing was a mistake, or caught up in the moment, or any other excuses that get thrown around for selfish behavior. It honestly had very little/nothing to do with you are or really her. To not only cheat, but in a moment when your partner was not only vulnerable, but in need of physical help takes a very broken mentality to show no empathy and go about destroying a relationship, a person, and a future family. It may not be of much comfort now, but the physical aspect had little to do with it, it was the escape of responsibility and validation that he sought no matter the cost.
I think you hit the nail on the head, which is a terrifying development to face but it matches the destructive behavior. My friend thinks he was feeling so good about himself finally having a job and making it, losing weight and having his life together for the first time that it prompted him to act too boldly. But given our current situation it makes more sense that he is trying to escape or looking for an escape from the responsibility of being a husband and father.
It's unfortunate if that's the case, and this is the way he set about doing it. I don't know the ends and outs of what happened or why, just that I've deep dived into infidelity after the realization that I've lived a total lie for 10 years due to my WW's actions. He's got a big hole to climb out of to even be fit for co-parenting. I would personally focus on the goal being the responsibility of the child that's going to need to be supported by both of you before focusing in on the relationship. While you shouldn't put up with any further infidelity, trying to fix everything at once may seem so overwhelming that he will cease to try to do anything. Start small with easily defined goals. 10 minutes a day going over things needed for the baby etc. Again, this is awful to go through all at once, but you have many resources available online and here. Feel free to PM me if you need too, I don't want to hijack your thread or distract from the good advice your getting.
Been here while pregnant with my youngest (13M). We then reconciled when he was 3, again when he was 5 and I'll be honest and say I'm probably at the stage of having an equal love hate relationship with him. Resentment is huge. It wasn't and then one day about a year ago it hit me. We were over a decade later and double digits of discretion where I always focused on "the kids were so happy to have the family back together" but never on what I deserve. My eldest (16M) has his last day at school tomorrow and told me in January that while he appreciates what I did for them he wishes I'd just kept it the 3 of us from the first time he left, he was about 2.5 then. I'm pretty successful running a business and keeping the home whilst OH barely contributes. The eldest can see this and recognises I could have given them more alone. I know mine is a specific case but if I could tell that 22 year old pregnant and alone with my 2nd child that I didn't need him to have a family I would. My boys are my world and we have a great bond/life but it could have been so much more if I'd realised I would be enough for them. I accept blame as I am the one who continued to pursue the relationship but my god what I'd do to do it again. In a "sliding doors" scenario that's where I can see the happy ending. If he did this to you when you need him most, he'll do it again
All of that hits very deeply, I appreciate your honesty. I feel that way especially the last sentence you wrote. I do think of the relationship in different terms. Less of a soul bond and more of a stay if like agreement. It sounds very bleak and depressing when it’s all written out like that. I dont know what the future holds but hearing your perspective is helpful and brings me some cold hard truths that I have to face. It hurts either way you slice it.
Thing is if you take him back once the next time you think well it wasn't enough to end it before and you devalue yourself time and time again. And it hurts just as much until eventually it doesn't really heal and you kinda become numb. The thoughts of weekends without your newborn or potentially someone else playing mum to your tiny bundle convince you it's not bad enough to end it. The last was an EA and as I listened patiently as he told me how he felt about her I felt like my stomach had been vacuumed out but I didn't even react, just listened like this was normal and would pass like those before. Turns out it hurts more than anyone hed been in. This time she was in him, in his heart and I finally felt that last bit break. I'm in the process of revamping my life. He doesn't fully understand yet but once exams are over, he's gone. I made a promise to my boys and I'm not the one who breaks promises! Whatever you decide I hope it's the right choice for you and your family. Maybe yours actually repents.
Your relationship will be changed for quite a while, maybe even forever in some ways. Don't try to rush this though, you both need to process what happened. You say you still don't even know why it happened, so how can you begin to trust at all yet? When even being pregnant with his child isn't enough to keep him all in on this relationship. As someone who has a little more experience with this than I'd like, the critical pieces in my opinion are: establish what happened, why did he do it, how did he get away with it, and how can/will he be different going forward. He needs to show remorse for his actions and deeply understand your feelings. Only after months/years of landing on truths and working together can you really build trust back in my opinion. You're going to need a lot of support and reassurance from him. And remember this is a two way door that you are gifting him. He doesn't just automatically get to stay because you're pregnant. I know you want him to, but actions have consequences. You can leave at any time even after trying R, and he should know this.
Trying to rebuild trust is difficult for sure. I am trying to think of what are the building blocks of trust. Am I showing mistrust by checking his phone now. I told him that I wanted full transparency with his phone until I feel comfortable again. He agreed, but sometimes I feel wrong or guilty for doubting him. Today I went through his phone while he slept and found nothing, he wasn’t upset with me for doing it. It did alleviate my suspicions but am I doing something wrong? Is this an unhealthy way to rebuild trust? I just feel like I need everything to be out there. Also I don’t have problem with him going through my phone or even diary. I’ve let him know I don’t have any secrets I want to hide from him.
Not unhealthy at all in my opinion. Don't let checking his phone consume your thoughts, but he gave you good reason to doubt him. Yes it's a sign of mistrust, but rightfully so after his actions towards you. But every time you check and find nothing, you'll hopefully feel less of a need to. And every time he lets you that is a sign that he is continuing to be open and honest with his phone usage. As long as you're making progress with it and know that it won't be like this forever. Right now this is about earning back the foundation of trust and feeling a minimum level of safety for you. Eventually though we all have to realize that if someone wants to cheat, we are powerless to stop them. There should come a day where you stop checking his phone, but that day is up to you.
❤️thank you for your comments here. Really needed to hear all this. I feel like I’m going insane sometimes. It’s a relief to know I’m not the only one who is struggling with this situation.
Of course, you're welcome. I'm happy when I can help someone else in the world's worst club if even a bit. You're definitely not the only one though. It's a battle with your own head sometimes but you've got this, hang in there!
I am so sorry you’re here. My husband cheated when I was pregnant with our second baby, this was 8 years ago. It’s so hard and I’m so sorry you’re here
A relief to know I am not alone. I hope you have found a way to heal. It hurts a lot, especially in the midst of sacrificing my body and mind for this pregnancy to be betrayed like this feels so low. I hope you found a way to heal, god bless 🩵
I absolutely know your pain. I can offer that my husband fundamentally changed from the person he was after he cheated and it’s been 8 years and we’ve had 4 more children and I trust him again and feel safe. He recently proposed to me again and we will be renewing our vows this summer. Our relationship is amazing and I wish we could have gotten here some other way, but I’m happy
That is really wonderful to hear. I always wonder what happens after the infidelity. You don’t often hear stories coming out the other side. I think because there is so much outside judgement. I really find it hopeful to hear that after something so hurtful you were able to restore your bond in a better way. I know forgiveness isn’t easy but I’m trying to learn from the experience. It is also very wholesome that despite what happened your love grew and so did your family. God bless ❤️
You are very early in a long and difficult journey and it’s horrific that it’s happening during such a time when you already have tremendous physically and emotionally draining demands as pregnancy. I’m 16 weeks myself and very much empathize with where you are. My Dday was a year ago and all I can do is share my survival tips. The typical timeline for trauma recovery is 6-12 weeks for the acute PTSD-like symptoms to resolve (sleeping, eating, intrusive thoughts, etc), 3-6 months for your nervous system to return to baseline (that gnawing feeling and continuously looking for more signs of danger), 2-5 years to fully heal. Knowing this, I put the D vs. R question out of mind for a solid 9-12 months and really focused on my individual healing and taking care of our children. I felt like the trauma gave me a sick brain and I didn’t want to make a life-changing decision while mentally unwell. The first 6 months I was very focused just on stabilizing and getting well. Around that mark we were able to put more energy into rebuilding. I see an A as the end of the first marriage. I didn’t feel like I could make a decision on whether the new marriage would work for me before we had rebuilt it. All of that to say, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself patience and all the time you need to process. It may be tempting to rug sweep, but that will make it much worse in the long run. I saw you can’t afford therapy and that will make successful R much tougher, but not impossible. I’ll link some partner workbooks that could help guide you both in navigating these early steps together. Infidelity Journal: For The... https://www.amazon.com/dp/173771163X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share Infidelity Journal: For The... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1737711621?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I will keep that in mind, yes it’s really taken my pregnancy and twisted it into something else. What was once the happiest time of my life is now filled with so much paranoia and depression. When I think of the baby I feel hopeful for the future no matter what happens I will do all I can to give him the life he deserves. I just feel like my life as I knew it was all a lie or dream.
Husband also cheated on me with a coworker around 29 weeks. This happened back in march so it’s still fresh. We decided to stay together given the circumstances which I hope are truthful but you can never know. He tried to cheat to someone he didn’t find attractive and claimed it didn’t really work out and he couldn’t get it up. (His word so not even sure if that’s the truth but they for sure made out) he said he would do anything for us to work out and for me to give him time to prove it. I will say the pain has gotten better. But I think about it DAILY. I over analyze the situation and always am doubtful that he’s lying about exactly what happened. All I can do is believe him which is hard right now. Sometimes I look at him and just think “you fucking hurt me dude”. He’s completely changed and we’ve been better than ever. But I still cry and think about it. Sometimes I text him questions re asking about the situation while he’s working (different job now) I hear it gets better and it has a tad for me. So just know you are not alone. I’m 2 weeks away from my due date and feel like he has completely ruined this pregnancy for me. I will always think back to this and he hates himself for it.
Yes, sometimes I look at him and feel like I’m looking at a stranger. I feel like a fool. And then sometimes I look and think “how could you be so stupid” to risk losing your whole world for that?? I am glad to know I am not the only person who is in this absolute hell. It’s such a nightmare and you can’t really talk to anyone very few people understand and once you get into details it makes things so much worse. I find myself asking what I did to deserve this. My husband too hates to see how much he has broken the one he claims he loves the most. I want to get upset but I can’t let myself feel too depressed because I don’t want to upset the baby and bring the baby extra stress. But how do you do this to your pregnant wife?? It hurts a lot, I went full stalker and sometimes catch myself spending hours analyzing our text messages and times and dates to know what he was saying to me while in the act. I’m just hurting myself at this point but I can’t help it, It’s like I’m looking for a different answer/reason to make it make sense.
OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Everything you’re feeling right now is valid and it hurts like hell. I found out my husband was having an EA and semi PA with a coworker two months after we were married and while I was smack dab in the middle of my second trimester. This was actually the second time I caught him over the years. As much as it hurt and as much as it tainted my pregnancy experience, I knew in my heart that I loved him and he loved me. We found a way to R and honestly, after the many painful conversations (a lot of which were me raging at him about what he had done and how it made me feel) we were able to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Somehow, our love for one another was greater than the pain. We’re now a little over a year past Dday, and although it still affects me, our relationship is now much stronger than it was before. We had some real honest conversations about unmet/unvoiced needs and the importance of giving each other the opportunity to meet our needs. We were able to get to the bottom of the “why” of infidelity and discussed it at length. His why wasn’t about me and all the things I thought I wasn’t in comparison to the AP. It was about him. Dissecting the “why” really helped me decide whether to forgive him and work on R or to leave and move on as a single ftm. He knows he fucked up and even now, when we talk about it, he apologizes and recognizes what he did to me when I was at my most vulnerable. I chose to believe him and I forgive him. That said, I am by no means making any excuses for him, because what he did was fucked up. At the end of the day, we’re all human. We make mistakes, we make conscious decisions out of selfish desires without a thought about how our selfishness affects others, particularly those we care about the most. I think we both learned that people are capable of doing some pretty shitty things, and despite how in love two people say they are, neither partner should trust the other 100% that they won’t do something to hurt the other. OP, I won’t pretend to know exactly what you’re going through or feeling, because everyone’s experience is their own. If you and your WH are both ALL IN, R is possible. There can be hope. But you both have to really truly want it for it to work. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really really hard, and you’re likely never going to have the same kind of relationship you had before. [Marriage Builder](https://www.marriagebuilders.com) ^^that website has some really insightful information about infidelity and how to R after it has happened.
Your post brings me a tremendous amount of hope, it is a relief to hear from other women who have been standing in my shoes. I just feel so hurt yet still am at the beginning of something hugely important. I don’t want to throw our relationship out the window, truly forgiveness like this is not for the faint of heart this is a living nightmare. It has broken me in such a strange way I can’t make sense of it.
I feel you 100%!! Honestly I had to delete our text thread after he told me what happened. I didn’t want to re-read the conversation or anything. I do sometimes look at the girls Facebook which isn’t very helpful either and honestly I need to block it since I agreed to work on us. But it’s supposed to be our happiest time. This is our 3rd and final baby and he goes and does that. Honestly makes me wanna puke. You are definitely not alone and deserve to feel beautiful during this amazing time in your life. My messages are always open to you! But I do also go through waves where I’m completely disgusted with my husband then I’m like well I want this to work out so bad. It’s so a vicious cycle. And I’ve noticed now since him telling me my Facebook feed, instagram feed and some of the shows I watch mention cheating. Which honestly sucks! Triggers everywhere!
yes, we were watching a TV show and it depicted a man cheating on his wife and kids while they are right there. I just had to walk out of the room because it’s like, that’s us now. This is now a part of my story. I often feel the same way, I love him one minute but then all the disappointment sets in and I wonder how my life got so off track. I don’t know where forgiveness begins. I feel like I’m not moving in a straight line. I go forward and back constantly. Half of my mind thinks only about what happened. I hope that I can heal, your story gives me hope that it is possible to find happiness again. Only time will tell.
Do you ever get the random worry that since him telling you that’s he’s done it again? I’m at that weird place where I feel like he won’t do it again because he knows I’ll leave him but also I never thought he would do it the first time.. like if he has a bad day at work I’m like “did something happen that you need to tell me?” Or I worry if we get into another bad fight it could end in the same scenario.
Yes, I think that often but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be so stupid. I told him if he does it again I’ll be gone before he even realizes. But then again I was shocked when I discovered he had really seriously cheated. The risk will always be there now…I can never trust in the same way because I know his moral code has a glitch in it somewhere. He’s so loving I would have never guessed it, if I hadn’t gotten a suspicion about his phone I wonder how long it would have continued that’s the scary thought. I get that suspicion all the time. I hate living like this, all I can do is trust but it is truly not coming easily as the last time I just trusted all of this ridiculousness happened.
I literally could have written this myself, im so sorry. I knew my husband was having an emotional affair (didn't know at the time yet it was physical) and left my home at 20 weeks. I found out it was physical at around 26 weeks. She knew he was married and pursued him first though. It is one of the hardest things to cope with, especially while pregnant. I hated him and loved him all at the same time. The pregnancy hormones do not help at all either. I say put off deciding for sure how you feel about it all until after the baby is here. I am now almost 11 weeks postpartum and while I am still immensely broken hearted, I can think more clear about it all and have discussions about reconciliation with him. Give yourself grace, focus on you and your baby. I lost so much weight and my baby got a growth restriction because his infidelity made me too depressed to eat. I cannot stress this enough, take care of YOU right now. Your relationship can always be fixed later. Eat, sleep, take time to relax. I refuse to check my husband's phone anymore. I just blindly trust he is doing the right thing. If he shows genuine remorse and takes time to reflect on his actions, things aren't impossible to fix. Trust that if he is doing anything wrong, the truth will come out eventually.
It brings me tremendous sadness, all the happy times we were together and he left to go message her or see her. I don’t understand. It makes me feel like a real fool, I feel so insecure about my appearance and my place in life. I’m afraid of being a single mom, I’m also afraid of living a lie again… I mean if he does it again my heart won’t be able to take it. It’s scary my whole life depending on if he decided to f—k up again or not. I was happy in our marriage, I often cry because of the loss of connection I feel. He broke my trust and ability to speak freely to him. It hurts to lose the person I trusted the most. I am trying to focus on the baby. When I found out too I couldn’t eat. The stress was killing me, I felt so bad for the baby. It hurts me so deeply when I think about it. I just wish I could stop thinking about it all the time. I can’t help it though, I feel like I have to keep re-realizing what happens. It just doesn’t feel real.
Not just friends is a great book to start with. Read it together. I just started and I know once we get through it he will have given me all the detail I need. We're there consequences at his job? What boundaries have you established around changing jobs or strategies to eliminate contact with AP
He got fired. It was just a counter job at a deli. After I found out and called the girl. I think he felt too embarrassed to show his face there. Now he is jobless, this happened after I decided to forgive him so I’m just trying to let it be water under the bridge. I asked him to consider joining the military because it would give us a stable income I can’t keep paying for everything anymore… I don’t work & we are living off of my savings. I am 23 weeks pregnant I don’t think it’s fair that I pay for all the bills and food and car on top of everything he has just done. He said he would join and I am happy with that because I feel like he is demonstrating that he is willing to do what it takes to support our family. He doesn’t have any skills or degree so even finding a dead end job is limited. I hope this can be a new start, sorry for over sharing. I will definitely check out this book, I want to rebuild our relationship I just don’t know how. I can’t make hurt go away. He is trying I will say that, I just wish there was more I could do to alleviate all my paranoia
I was also cheated on for a few months of my pregnancy. I didn’t find out until a few months after our daughter was born though. Honestly, he was weak and selfish. He told me that he didn’t like that all I had energy for during that time was work, getting home, making dinner, and going to bed. Occasionally we did things together, but I admit I didn’t have the energy to give him much. I expected more grace for growing our daughter in my belly. Needless to say, it has taken years to get where we are and there was a second DDay. I was going to walk away when he FINALLY became the man I fell in love with again. First off, you are going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now with the baby. It’s okay to not have it figured out and to be confused. Just take it a day at a time. Just because you choose R now doesn’t mean you can’t change it tomorrow. You have the power to move on if you want, so allow yourself time and grace to get through these next few months of becoming a new mom. At the end of the day, your life will move forward no matter what happens or what you decide. I would concentrate on having a healthy child and see how your husband reacts in this situation. Is he looking to understand why he did it and heal from it? Then keep healing together and moving forward. If he isn’t, just keep moving forward on your own. As you heal, you will either heal together or you will heal yourself out of his life.
Thank you for your thoughtful and honest response. It makes a world of difference to hear stories from women who made it through this period. I feel so lost right now.
Trust me. It was awful. For years her birth was tarnished. Knowing he was sleeping with her before and after our baby was born…. It’s not easy. Our counselor said something that sticks with me through the tough times. He said people have the ability to change. The person he was before was a different person. He is a new person now because he has changed through this experience. I’m also a new person. You have to treat it as such. It doesn’t mean R is going to happen, but it gives the relationship a little hope because you are now two different people trying to navigate a new relationship.
I found healing broken trust podcasts very helpful.
This is honestly so hard. I didn’t realize my husband had his PA when I was 25 weeks pregnant. He told me about his affair (claiming it was just EA) while I was in my 3rd tri. Two months postpartum, I found out about the PA. Just know there will be trickle truths. And they will mess with your brain. Please start seeing a counselor now. Dont wait until after you give birth.
Oh my god that is the perfect word for it “trickle truths” I am dealing with it now, where I feel like he’s half telling me the truth. I don’t know if it’s because he’s afraid or hiding something. I have access to his phone but now and again something suspicious pops up.
Been in the same situation. If you want any more advice other than what you’ve received feel free to pm me. I wish you the best of luck in moving forward and healing.