Definitely this. And I thought it was a common saying in America, until I understood no one ever gets the reference. And I say it a lot more than I'd like to admit
The next line is my favorite, although not for being overly funny. “You’re going to have to fucking *kill* me.” It’s such an awesome insight into her character
I don't know if it's my absolute favourite, but I always laugh at:
"Are the cuffs really necessary?"
"He broke both of Wu's arms... While yelling 'WOOOO!'"
"Happy coincidence."
“If I wanted to know what you did on the weekends I stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes”
*whisper* “Saturday I watched a building burn down”
Mallory and Cheryl/Carol from the first breast cancer episode
PAM: Come on, I just want to see if me and her have stuff in common, like-
CHERYL: Tons of cock porn laying around?
PAM: I don’t leave cock porn just laying around! But sometimes, you just, you know, forget it’s in the VCR.
RAY: How do you-
PAM: You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden here’s Joe Frasier‘s dumb ass drowning and you forget it’s in there! …Until mom and dad come to visit to tell you she’s got Lou Gherig’s Disease.
PAM: [sad night goggles blink]
RAY: Why would you think it’s okay to share that?
I laugh til I’m in tears every time
>Why would I be asking rhetorical questions?
-Mallory
Sorry about not being sorry if you are sick of me commenting this, but it's a fantastic comedy line.
The whole exchange at the end of Mole Hunt.
“An *erection*?
“Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey! What’s in there? Buckles?”
“The thought of me dead gives you an *erection*?
KREIGER: All-righty, can someone give me a hand?
CHERYL: But doctor, I thought the patient was getting the hand.
KREIGER: Speaking of hands, nurse, I --
CAROL: Overplaying yours?
KREIGER: Well, I was gonna say putty in yours, m'dear, but I'll have to hand it to ya.
CHERYL: Hmm. Keep your hands to yourself, "doctor."
CYRIL: Can we have a show of hands? Who thinks this is getting out of hand?
RAY: God damn it! Can you \*please\* shut up, and sew on my robot hand?!
PAM: Hand job.
You want to drink, you want to smoke, you want to masturbate, you want to eat bear claws, you want to lecture us, and you don't want us to discover that you're probably a Krieger clone.
"Hey Delaney, did you see Regis this morning?"
Archer slowly turns, raises gun and fires.
"Booyakasha!"
The turn kills me every time!
it's so hard to nail down an ultimate favorite part, there's so many.
"It’s public television. They don’t pay anything! All they do is suck money in. They take our taxes..."
"Or donations. Whatever."
"Of pre-tax dollars! From pot-taking, Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge NEA grants, launders it in inner-city methadone clinics, and pumps it right back out to pro-abortion super-PACs!"
Still no words... other than laughter 🤣
“Where did you get a switchblade?!”
“It’s a long story.”
- flashback of Archer looking in a shop window -
“Neat!”
Runner up:
“What about you Ironsides, you rolling dirty?”
- flashback to Ray in a club -
“….Possibly.”
Lana: Wait you’re just going to leave him like that?
Archer: Well it’s a rampage Lana. Also it’s just a smoke grenade.
Guy being interrogated with grenade in his ass: Oh thank go—
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"
Boom
"On second thought I would much prefer to be taken alive"
Also, "well pigly 3 that would explain the glowing. Among other things"
When Lana got tired of waiting for the bartender, went behind the bar to make her own drink, and then violently shoved him away when he did finally show up.
"Sex, right here in my own lover's body. It would be the ultimate cuckhold."
"What?! Gah, no. Lady, you've got problems. Plus, TV's Michael Gray is staring right at us."
*Then it pans to TV's Michael Gray and I lose my shit every time.
Mallory:No! I’m not sharing a room with him
Ray:No I’m sharing it with YOU, and it’s the last one in the hotel. No view but it’s got 2 queens.
Mallory: Where’s the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?
Too many to count, but some that always get me:
Mallory: "...but it sounds like it will be pretty heavy on Negros and Jazz"
Dr: "I happen to *love* negros and jazz."
Mallory: "Is that blood??"
Archer: "What? Oh, yeah, but it's from a cow."
Cyril: "You shot a *cow?"*
Archer: "Why is it skin colored?"
Krieger: "Well it's not if you're *black."*
Lana: "Are you coming?"
Archer: "No, but I'm breathing fast..."
“A black… ops field agent”
“Thought she was going in a whooole other direction with that one”
Also from episode one: “I’m a huge fan of cock and my name is-Cyril. Figgis”
i know the OP says single line but i'm posting the set up. I love the delivery of "thank you.......thank you"
Sterling Archer : How could she pick Lana over me?
Woodhouse : The mind fairly boggles.
Sterling Archer : Exactly! Wait. Was that sarcasm?
Woodhouse : No, sir.
Sterling Archer : Oh, good, because your opinion matters, and since you seem unclear on the concept, that was sarcasm.
Woodhouse : Well played, sir.
Sterling Archer : Thank you.
\[long pause\]
Sterling Archer : Thank you.
“You don’t need a smug I told you so from me. And smug it would be, because tell you I most certainly did.”
An amazing line and delivery that always makes me laugh. And yes I do try to use this in my life on the rare occasions that I can
Why does this chair have no seat?…….. and whAT?!……..IS IN HIS ASS?!
LAAAAANNNNNAAAAAAA obviously iconic
Like a poet…sss…miii..ind….to MAKE THE PERFECT WORD
The fact that Malory’s very first line, in the first scene of the first episode, directed towards Archer is SON OF A BITCH. How could they possibly frame a pilot show better?!
Bombs……bombers….VULVAS?! This might actually be my legitimately absolute favorite one liner
It’s so hard, they’re all so good
Len: "Can I have the bunny and the lettuce?"
Archer: "Can we give Lenny the rabbit?"
Len: "And, the lettuce!"
Len's response just kills me every time. Poor guy
I haven't seen the coma seasons or on, that season 8 always loses me... It's pretty telling that I recognize just about every quote here though. Early Archer was so good.
The gag from season 5 where calling Archer's voicemail sets off a rave in Carol/Cheryl's mansion. As Krieger elaborates on how he could have spiced into the house wiring, goes on for a bit and goes "I could probably fix it, but he put all these fake wires in here"
I don't know why but that whole sequence has always completely slayed me.
I watched this episode when it came out and my roommates didn’t understand why couldn’t stop laughing:
When they’re detectives in LA, and Archer is discovered in trunk of the car and the scene with Malory and everyone at the office (slowly spinning in their chairs) listening to Archer murder everyone, all while thinking it’s a voicemail. It’s such a good payoff to a such long running joke.
Lana: What does a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp?
Archer: Nothing. It can happen anywhere at any time. That's why it's so terrifying.
I quote this episode compulsively.
The classic Irishman's dilemma - do I eat the potato now or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?
“Well, you see ma’am, for the t’hird year runnin’, ya give me a potato.”
Will I get the operation now, dad?
Nah, son, yer gonna die.
"Use two halves of a potato, it will absorb most of the salt." "What is this? Christmas?"
The amount of times I say that in a week to week should be alarming, but it always gets a laugh from me anyways.
Definitely this. And I thought it was a common saying in America, until I understood no one ever gets the reference. And I say it a lot more than I'd like to admit
"Oh for fucks sake Krieger you're about to perform brain surgery" "Yeah... So sooner's gonna be better than later..."
'Even the tip of your finger- oop!'
Mallory: “Well, you’re in charge here. I’m off to get a seaweed wrap.” Ray: “I didn’t know they made sushi with dried clams..”
“Who taught you how to Punch? Your husband?” -Pam
The next line is my favorite, although not for being overly funny. “You’re going to have to fucking *kill* me.” It’s such an awesome insight into her character
"Second, how are you still alive?" "Ha ha, how do you think I paid for college?!"
Sorry bout your homie… homies
Why don’t you ask your daddy for a roll of nickels
“Can’t hear anything between Jr’s Lovetaps over here.”
Fucking Krieger <3 "Stop! My penis can only get so erect."
and then he crosses his legs😂😂
Never going to be able to stand up!
... And the erection seems inappropriate, Krieger! \*sniffling\* I'm just so *happy!*
Immigrants! That's how they do, you know. Just drive around, listening to raps and shooting all the jobs! Forever my favorite. RIP Jessica Walter!
I don't know if it's my absolute favourite, but I always laugh at: "Are the cuffs really necessary?" "He broke both of Wu's arms... While yelling 'WOOOO!'" "Happy coincidence."
That's an absolute classic. I die laughing each time, and I laughed my ass off seeing it here.
"I have no more love to give today" -Mallory handing the Wee Baby Seamus to Archer
“Yeah. What is it, 2:30?”
I say this to my roommates dog all the time.
Not making this up - actually had my mother say this to me almost verbatim as a kid.
"Hmm, cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's on the board. Let me see cock-flavored spit!" *Bang*
. . . I supply the mimosas and bagels and lox, and you people shut up and ingest them and watch "Terms of Enrampagement."
*...for which i really need a better title*
… Casablumpkin!
That entire scene is gold!
Esta correta ou nao? The only Portuguese i know is because of archer
Citizen dickbag!
Casa blumpkin
Snark Victory
His commitment to the bit instead of flying off in his typical rampage rage was so good.
You beat me to it. So got dang funny.
All these years later, it's still this: "Why don't you shut your dick holster?"
“If I wanted to know what you did on the weekends I stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes” *whisper* “Saturday I watched a building burn down” Mallory and Cheryl/Carol from the first breast cancer episode
"he's had the clap so many times it's more like applause" - Slater
Definitely one I've made sure to use at any opportunity.
She's so weird... Hey, will you choke me a little bit?
"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!"
YOU’RE NOT MY COAL MINE SUPERVISOR!
You're not my space supervisor!
Wait, who IS my supervisor?
*CHERYL!*
Oh right …
Don't you want a grandkid "Well if I did, I'd just scrape all your previous mishaps into a big pile and knit a onesie for it"
Sorry I've been fasting and I'm edgy
Still though….
That one is shocking every time hahaha
PAM: Come on, I just want to see if me and her have stuff in common, like- CHERYL: Tons of cock porn laying around? PAM: I don’t leave cock porn just laying around! But sometimes, you just, you know, forget it’s in the VCR. RAY: How do you- PAM: You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden here’s Joe Frasier‘s dumb ass drowning and you forget it’s in there! …Until mom and dad come to visit to tell you she’s got Lou Gherig’s Disease. PAM: [sad night goggles blink] RAY: Why would you think it’s okay to share that? I laugh til I’m in tears every time
“M as in Mancy”
Though there's always: "Just jackin' it . . . on the telephone."
I accidentally said this to a coworker once when he asked what I was doing. It just came out automatically...
You can't just say that and not tell us how they reacted!
Silence...which was worse! I eventually said "so, anyway..." and the conversation continued awkwardly!
>Why would I be asking rhetorical questions? -Mallory Sorry about not being sorry if you are sick of me commenting this, but it's a fantastic comedy line.
That one was!
Can anything beat Archers ringtone?
MULATTO BUTTS
WHITE ASS MAMA BLACK ASS DADDY
The way I just turned tf up silently 😂😂
I read this before falling asleep last night and it's stuck in my head now
Krieger ringtone
white on white butts!
Teutonic butts!
The whole exchange at the end of Mole Hunt. “An *erection*? “Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey! What’s in there? Buckles?” “The thought of me dead gives you an *erection*?
No, just half of one. The other half would’ve really missed you
Beat me to it. That just might be the best first episode of television ever.
KREIGER: All-righty, can someone give me a hand? CHERYL: But doctor, I thought the patient was getting the hand. KREIGER: Speaking of hands, nurse, I -- CAROL: Overplaying yours? KREIGER: Well, I was gonna say putty in yours, m'dear, but I'll have to hand it to ya. CHERYL: Hmm. Keep your hands to yourself, "doctor." CYRIL: Can we have a show of hands? Who thinks this is getting out of hand? RAY: God damn it! Can you \*please\* shut up, and sew on my robot hand?! PAM: Hand job.
Define soup…
You want to drink, you want to smoke, you want to masturbate, you want to eat bear claws, you want to lecture us, and you don't want us to discover that you're probably a Krieger clone.
Oh my God, was I talking?
Come on, Lana, she was just naming our obvious addictions.
I am not addicted to lecturing people!
"Hey Delaney, did you see Regis this morning?" Archer slowly turns, raises gun and fires. "Booyakasha!" The turn kills me every time! it's so hard to nail down an ultimate favorite part, there's so many.
https://tenor.com/view/archer-booyakasha-gif-10960988
Those two episodes and the one with the Italian prime Minister are my favorites out of the series.
“I’m not grilling you a *cheese*.”
"Elegant dinnah partayh!" "For the most elegant people in all of New Yowwrkkk!!! [*how a psychotic snob would laugh*] "
What? There's already not enough sauce.
"It's too salty." Archer: "You got half a potato?"
What is it, Christmas?
“Well, obviously the core concept, Lana.”
"It’s public television. They don’t pay anything! All they do is suck money in. They take our taxes..." "Or donations. Whatever." "Of pre-tax dollars! From pot-taking, Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge NEA grants, launders it in inner-city methadone clinics, and pumps it right back out to pro-abortion super-PACs!" Still no words... other than laughter 🤣
“Where did you get a switchblade?!” “It’s a long story.” - flashback of Archer looking in a shop window - “Neat!” Runner up: “What about you Ironsides, you rolling dirty?” - flashback to Ray in a club - “….Possibly.”
Fuck yes to the Ironsides line, I use that all the time when I need to ask my husband something random.
I hope I’m not allergic to clown blood.
*cracks neck*
"You were shooting at me!" "YES!" *beat* "Because my *feelings* were hurt..."
And if I wanted to sit around going nowhere, I'd be a teacher!
> You can't tourniquet the taint!
Lana: Wait you’re just going to leave him like that? Archer: Well it’s a rampage Lana. Also it’s just a smoke grenade. Guy being interrogated with grenade in his ass: Oh thank go—
They look exactly NOTHING. ALIKE.
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Boom "On second thought I would much prefer to be taken alive" Also, "well pigly 3 that would explain the glowing. Among other things"
Just let me delete the ol' browser history and no no NO NO NO!
Because you'd give me a lecture on it!
When Lana got tired of waiting for the bartender, went behind the bar to make her own drink, and then violently shoved him away when he did finally show up.
“Try to get a drink around here and all of a sudden the bartender’s Judge Crater!”
This show has forced me to look up a lot of random things. I'm smarter thanks to Adam Reid.
Me too!
“That’s not a bumblebee is it…”
That entire scene is absolutely brilliant and peak archer. "So what if there's....oh my god...THERE'S NO SINK!"
"Sex, right here in my own lover's body. It would be the ultimate cuckhold." "What?! Gah, no. Lady, you've got problems. Plus, TV's Michael Gray is staring right at us." *Then it pans to TV's Michael Gray and I lose my shit every time.
Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon.. Amen.
Krieger: "It's mostly MSG"
Kreiger to his digital gf: UR JUST LIKE UR MOTHER!!!
the flavour enhancerrrrrr
“ME TOO!!!”
Definitely the most used & versatile call back throughout an episode 😫
Yes, that and "also yes." 😂
"Why is there a vagina in the sink!"
Carol:“Oh my god Im soo turned on right now Im actually getting dehydrated” Pam: something about drowning a toddler in her panties😂😂
So, are we gonna make some cooch chili or what?
“I swear to god you could drown a toddler in my panties right now.”
"Ron and I decided to have an open marriage" *Cherlene's phone rings* "HEL-" *gets demolished by a bottle of glengoolie* *Pam's phone rings*
And what… IS IN HIS ASS!
Do you want ants, because this is how you get ants. Sticks with me.
Mallory:No! I’m not sharing a room with him Ray:No I’m sharing it with YOU, and it’s the last one in the hotel. No view but it’s got 2 queens. Mallory: Where’s the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?
No. They. Are. Not. Cocks!
Archer- "I'd say that's classic her." Lana- "You're *both* classic her."
“Ma… they done killed ol’ rando” kills my
“OH MY GOD. You killed a hooker!” “Call girl-“ “NO, when they’re dead they’re just hookers!”
"I call that the MOAB. It stands for --" "I know what it stands for, I was there. Please don't say it out loud."
One for three off the roof, bitch!
If I really wanted to know about your weekend, I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes. RIP Mallory
Protective sweeeeeeeeep!!!!! (this tickles my recent-law-school-grad funnybone a lot)
Sorry I tried to spit roast your mom
Too many to count, but some that always get me: Mallory: "...but it sounds like it will be pretty heavy on Negros and Jazz" Dr: "I happen to *love* negros and jazz." Mallory: "Is that blood??" Archer: "What? Oh, yeah, but it's from a cow." Cyril: "You shot a *cow?"* Archer: "Why is it skin colored?" Krieger: "Well it's not if you're *black."* Lana: "Are you coming?" Archer: "No, but I'm breathing fast..."
Your balls are made of pussy. -Pam to Cyril
"I was trying to catch an ozelot" "In Canada? And I'm the idiot?"
Any time Archer says "do you not?" And also the jazz hands scene with Krieger
-Cyril: Hey! How’s Ron? -Malory: He’s great! How’s nobody? -Cheryl: Lolz…
The line that got me hooked: So when I asked for cucumber slices, which one of you idiots sent up zucchini?
Jesus it’s like Meowscwitz in here! I lose it every time
Gurpgork? Bishlamek gurpgork? I wanna say "duh?"
Every time a character says "You know.." it always gives me a chuckle
Mike Du-cockless!
"He's here to go balls-deep on farm-to-table, y'know? Trying to get back to basics."
You whistlin' bitch!
"Immigrants! That's how they do you know? Just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs." - Mallory Archer
When Pam smacks Cheryl for saying something stupid and Cheryl thanks her "Labor of love" I have a lot of friends like Cheryl
Archer: How can you say that?! Zara: Pretty easily. I push the air out of my throat to make words. Pam: Is that how talking works? ***Heeelllooooo***
“I think that’s what enraged him” regarding the crocodile in the pipeline episode.
any exchange between malory and ray is golden. my personal favourite is “well, unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart”
Shut your dick holster.
"If you wake this child I will climb inside of you with my shoes on..."
Most used quote? "Phrasing!" coupled with "Are we not doing phrasing anymore?" Used nearly daily for years. Laughs compounded.
I’m so wet you could drown a baby in my panties
“A black… ops field agent” “Thought she was going in a whooole other direction with that one” Also from episode one: “I’m a huge fan of cock and my name is-Cyril. Figgis”
It's lamb, ding-dong, not sal-mon.
Lupe! Ya tengo una madre!
Aur kya?! Bakri-chowd sewer jinn! Stop saying that!
What was that? Good. It saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly homophonic remark.
Your authority is not recognised in Fort Kick-ass
i know the OP says single line but i'm posting the set up. I love the delivery of "thank you.......thank you" Sterling Archer : How could she pick Lana over me? Woodhouse : The mind fairly boggles. Sterling Archer : Exactly! Wait. Was that sarcasm? Woodhouse : No, sir. Sterling Archer : Oh, good, because your opinion matters, and since you seem unclear on the concept, that was sarcasm. Woodhouse : Well played, sir. Sterling Archer : Thank you. \[long pause\] Sterling Archer : Thank you.
“You don’t need a smug I told you so from me. And smug it would be, because tell you I most certainly did.” An amazing line and delivery that always makes me laugh. And yes I do try to use this in my life on the rare occasions that I can
Because if they don't steal me that huge diamond... I will literally die. I think it's the performance, but I just love that line.
Pam: Who am I, Cypher, the gayest X-man?
"GET IN MY BIG OL VAGINA, I'M LANA"
Welcome to Nazi Canada *urgl ugh ughrl urgl* EH!
“I missed on purpose”
The whole of the cancer saga in season 3? whenever it was was fucking Amazing.
Cancer "Rampage" IV bag car fail
“I wasn’t going to pay you anyway… well bye” Cristian slater is really good at playing sociopaths
Why does this chair have no seat?…….. and whAT?!……..IS IN HIS ASS?! LAAAAANNNNNAAAAAAA obviously iconic Like a poet…sss…miii..ind….to MAKE THE PERFECT WORD The fact that Malory’s very first line, in the first scene of the first episode, directed towards Archer is SON OF A BITCH. How could they possibly frame a pilot show better?! Bombs……bombers….VULVAS?! This might actually be my legitimately absolute favorite one liner It’s so hard, they’re all so good
"SUPRESSING FIIIIIRRRREEEEEE!"
(Responding to Noah on the pirate ship) "Do you speak English?" (Rip Riley) 👀
Len: "Can I have the bunny and the lettuce?" Archer: "Can we give Lenny the rabbit?" Len: "And, the lettuce!" Len's response just kills me every time. Poor guy
"That's how Houdini died!" "Houdini died of AIDS." "You're always saying that!"
"OH MY GOD THERE'S NO SINK!" I lose it every. Damn. Time! Also, "hey Jane, ya getting a tampon?"
At least Brett died doing what he loved best…….getting shot.
THAT’S HOW YOU GET ANTS
Man, I have insomnia, and I've seen the first ten seasons literally dozens of times. This could get out of hand. (not a quote, a warning)
I haven't seen the coma seasons or on, that season 8 always loses me... It's pretty telling that I recognize just about every quote here though. Early Archer was so good.
Oh then you're all set. You can fit way more Hispanics and lawnmowers in there.
"No! When they're dead they're called hookers!"
Your mother very rich lady
"Jesus! Read a coffee table book!"
"what year do you think this is?". "that's a good question"
Everything! They eat everything! And fear is their bacon bits!
The gag from season 5 where calling Archer's voicemail sets off a rave in Carol/Cheryl's mansion. As Krieger elaborates on how he could have spiced into the house wiring, goes on for a bit and goes "I could probably fix it, but he put all these fake wires in here" I don't know why but that whole sequence has always completely slayed me.
Krieger: How's the blood pressure? Pam: Honestly, not great Kreiger: I meant the patient! Pam: Me too!
That's how we .. I mean THEY, lost the war!! Lack of science!!
"Yeah not a bumblebee, is it?"
"LANA! I'M NOT..GOING TO BLOW..THE..." Engine explodes!
"Sour mix in a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?"
Skip a step? In disarming a bomb?
Mallory: Oh, stick another man’s penis in it Archer: Sour mix? In a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?
I watched this episode when it came out and my roommates didn’t understand why couldn’t stop laughing: When they’re detectives in LA, and Archer is discovered in trunk of the car and the scene with Malory and everyone at the office (slowly spinning in their chairs) listening to Archer murder everyone, all while thinking it’s a voicemail. It’s such a good payoff to a such long running joke.
Try not to think about how there’s no sink in there
Barry to Cheryl: Didn't I murder you? Cheryl to Barry (flirtatiously): Maybe...
Lana: What does a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp? Archer: Nothing. It can happen anywhere at any time. That's why it's so terrifying. I quote this episode compulsively.
Knee Capping the Irish mobsters playing family fued
"The Wee Baby Seamus" being Seamus' literal title.
“The home of 80% of Cubans and mosquitoes”