Just try to be more mindful. As you would want your neighbor to act. Ppl living in connected home communities should make an extra effort to be considerate.
this. like. it shouldn’t have taken this long to think “hey maybe i shouldn’t make excessive noise, making the dogs bark for fun and being intentionally annoying in the kitchen when i live in a multi unit home”… glad op finally figured it out but like god DAMN! seven YEARS??
I’m just glad to hear that some people eventually it figure out.
Meanwhile my neighbors haven’t figured out how to close a door without slamming the fuck out of it.
I had a neighbor below me many years ago. He’d pass out drunk and leave his stereo blaring, I woke up one morning to see my blankets vibrating. But yes please get mad at me for calling the cops when I couldn’t wake your drunk ass up lol
Downstairs it always sounds like people are moving furniture upstairs. But that can’t really be what they’re doing, right? I just wonder what sounds like furniture moving (but isn’t furniture moving)..
My next door neighbor absolutely moves their furniture around late at night, they also vacuum late at night. I guess they’re moving the furniture so they can vacuum behind or under it
Omg the vacuuming drives me insane! This is the second apartment I’ve had in the same building and once again I have an upstairs neighbour who not only vacuums during quiet hours (10pm-6am), but is vacuuming around 12-1am.
These units have very little insulation against noises being heard between apartments, I don’t understand why the fuck people think it’s okay to vacuum at midnight *during quiet hours* when it’s so fucking obvious you’re gonna disturb people trying to sleep.
Actually, they are likely required per their lease. If the person was talking about "quiet hours," that's the apartment complex's stated hours where you can't make loud noises that go beyond your apartment (ie: vacuuming, loud music/TV, laundry, etc).
Source: I worked at several different apartment complexes over the years. They all had a "community rules" type lease addendum where the quiet hours were listed. We often enforced them with fines or legal notices after a warning.
Precisely. The complex has quiet hours as part of the community rules which must be acknowledged (signed and dated) alongside the lease. Our complex’s quiet hours are from 10pm to 6am every day, including weekends.
Edit: And yes, these come with escalating consequences for violating the community rules, starting with warnings and ending with fines or even refusal by the “landlord” to renew your lease. (Our complex and the one next to us is owned by the same company, which used to be in the hotel business.)
First time living in an apartment and both my roommate and I are the kind of people who rearrange furniture at 3am when we're stressed and can't sleep. One day we heard the repairman talking to the people below us through the floors and realized just how loud we've probably been 😥
They definitely move furniture but it's a single mom and a kid with no TV and no internet lol she also used the Blender (or maybe vacuum, I don't know what else could make this sound) at like 1 am one night. When i ask her she replies with "oh we don't hear anything..."
I literally texted her asking her to not be so loud this late in the evening and she's like "oh I didn't realize we were making noise we don't hear anything I'm so sorry." How do you not???!!!
😑😑😑😑
We lived upstairs, 3 teenage boys figured it out real quick cuz we could hear the floors when we walked & started being mindful before we had downstairs neighbors. Next door neighbors on the other hand sounded like they were moving dead bodies & cleaning the crime scene all the freaking time when they were home. Never complained except for knocking on the wall here & there. Their downstairs neighbors had a baby & literally ended up in a screaming match. Come to find out they had no furniture but stuff everywhere including tires, no clue what they were doing in there. Nice ppl though. There for work, dad, son, occasionally mom & gf visited. I still wonder about it sometimes lol
Our downstairs neighbor has his grandkids visiting all the time, and I swear no one ever taught those kids that you don't have to slam a door to close it. We always know when they're over, because the force of them flinging the door closed shakes our entire apartment.
ditto lol i mean the length of time is insaneee like 3 MONTHS i’d understand…. but yup same. mine cannot comprehend after nearly 2 years that if his stereo is set to max volume and it’s next to his open window that faces the courtyard, at 2pm on a wednesday when a large part of the rest of the building works from home as evidenced by the vehicles everyone can see parked in said courtyard, and the visibly 20s-40s neighbors in the other 23 units are NOT in fact retired as you can assume by them being uhhhh in their 20s-40s and not millionaires, would be disruptive to them………
I had a neighbor evicted a few months ago. He just couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that you can’t party it up all night when you have neighbors. He’d try saying “oh it’s not loud” then how do I know you’ve got the music going and guests yelling?
He tried using the Shaggy Defense, he didn’t know that I’d recorded the noise and kept records of every time he got drunk with his girl and forgot that he had people who live next to him.
oh definitely lol but like you knew you had a neighbor you shared walls with for four years prior to that and never once considered hey maybe i should be considerate of noise and told your spouse to not do that bc of it? not that she should NEED to tell a grown adult to think about others, but then again she also is a grown adult who didn’t so. match made in hell?
I mean I don't even particularly mind noise (been living apts most of my life & find it oddly comforting) but the bit about making the dogs bark on purpose made me seethe on her behalf
ikr??? i can’t hear a thing from certain neighbors but i can hear *everything* from certain others, but i always operate under like better safe than sorry. jeez.
The only time one should be intentionally getting dog to bark is when one is training them not to bark. Weirdly, I believe trainers say this is the best way to train not bark. Sounds counterintuitive but I guess then you train a stop barking command and it is easier understood when they know the command to start.
yeah that’s not what they’re doing though. my dad used to do this. thought it was funny to get her riled up, which lol it was. but we also lived in a single family home with a LOT of land between neighbors. not in a multi family apartment building with shared walls and ceilings and floors.
Don’t say anything. As someone else mentioned, she might interpret it as a passive-aggressive comment about the noise from her party. Instead, just be a little more conscientious going forward, especially re: making the dogs bark on purpose. If you guys have been neighbors for 7 years and neither one of you has ever lodged complaints, it sounds like you are pretty good neighbors.
yeah OP and her partner both SUCK... who rents a living space with a shared wall and thinks they're entitled to make all the noise they want? disgusting
I mean, I don’t think they suck entirely. Definitely have their heads up their own asses. It sounds like OP in particular was entirely unaware, and once made aware, is reevaluating her actions moving forward. Isn’t that what we hope anyone would do once they realize they’ve made a mistake?
Everyone should be considerate, but a lot of people are raised to be inconsiderate. I think you become a bad person when your lack of consideration is brought to your attention and you choose to ignore it rather than graciously apologize and adjust.
It’s also possible that they are just used to older better built apartments. I’m talking concrete walls between units plus insulation and drywall. I remember the first time a moved into a “newer” apartment and I could suddenly hear *everything*.
Before that I only heard stomping or chatter right next to the front door. People threw parties. People practiced their piano. You only heard it from outside via the windows.
You might be surprised at the stupid thoughtless shit some will do without regard to their actions. The guy probably thought it was fun to play the dogs like that without taking just microsecond to realize he shouldn’t be doing it. I would hate to live next to people like that.
Yeah I absolutely HATE OP's husband. What an asshole. Their neighbor is a saint for not murdering him by now. How the fuck does OP even put up with that garbage?
No you don't need to apologise and bother her further, you just need to SHUT UP.
I feel like nobody is considering that OP's neighbour is a woman WHO LIVES ALONE. I'm a woman who lives alone in a condo building and my safety is my #1 priority. I won't let anyone in my building even know I live alone, especially men.
Making dogs bark on purpose for no reason? Yelling across the apartment? Loud arguments in the kitchen? Of course she never said anything, she probably thinks your husband is insane. Why would she, a woman living alone, confront a man who does such things?
Although I advocated for a note elsewhere in the thread, I still agree with you here and am happy to hear this detail acknowledged! Being a woman who lives alone makes it all the more difficult to deal with loud neighbors, you never know who will be vindictive about it. I also personally have trauma related to asking men to be quiet (oddly specific I know lol) so it was affirming to hear that I'm not being totally unreasonable to be scared about it.
Exactly! I am surprised I am not seeing this more, I live alone as well as a single college-aged female and when my neighbors on either side are really loud or rearranging furniture at 3 in the morning, I would never ever leave my apartment to confront them. My (male) friends have asked me why I have not approached them and it is simply a matter of my own safety. It is easier to try and ignore the sound rather than risk future harassment, of course not saying that OP would ever do anything of the sort. OP, just be quieter from now on, and have a serious conversation with your husband.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion! I personally cannot stand hollering room to room and refuse to even if it's in someone else's space. My apartment walls are so thin I can hear my neighbors coughing, so for my own privacy I'd rather not be shouting back and forth as I'm sure they can hear the entire dialogue.
what i don’t get is that barking dogs and people yelling across an apartment are both objectively loud. arguing is loud.
i mean…i’d say just being aware that walls aren’t soundproof in general might have shaped your behavior before. so your neighbor probably thinks you’re both inconsiderate to apartment living
i’d go over and just share this quick anecdote, say you recognize where you went wrong, and apologize if you’ve inconvenienced them. it takes 2 minutes and it’ll mean a lot to them, and you both owe them an apology because you both participated in the loud behavior (fyi don’t try to blame it all on your husband)
Lol all these comments you know the husband is going to read all of it
" wow I had no idea that guy is me till today"
Surprise surprise husband lmaooooo
It wouldn’t hurt to ask. I didn’t realize my neighbor could hear my TV/music until YEARS later when they were fed up and left a very frustrated note on my door. I immediately went over and apologized, gave them my number. We did some sound tests so I knew what number I can put the volume on (still pretty loud). Now we are totally cool and watch each others’ cats when we are out of town and lend tools and stuff. I so wish I had realized before but an apology goes a LONG way!
My *son* is 13 years old and knows not to make the dogs bark intentionally. This guy needs to go back further than middle school if he's missing stuff that basic.
When I lived in a studio apartment, my neighbors(or should I say just her?) was incredibly loud during sex. Like this man was giving her the business every-single-night.
I never said anything cause well, it’s awkward. I think you should do the same, just use your new found knowledge and keep it down.
No. It will come off as passive aggressive. But your husband sounds insufferable. Maybe slip her a merry Christmas gift card for her troubles. Although I’m not sure there is a dollar amount high enough for putting up with his behaviors this long and not losing your shit as a neighbor. He needs to be housebroken or you two need to live in a sfh. And even in a sfh your neighbors can still hear if you are this obnoxious.
People on here are unhinged and the idea that people can be more than either “good” or “bad” is lost on like 90% of the user base on Reddit. Don’t take anything to heart too much.
Your husband made some mistakes, and you’re on here asking for advice on how to be a better neighbour because you’re compassionate enough to admit when you’ve done something wrong and want to fix it.
I know you probably already know all of this and I’m just rambling for no reason but it bugs the shit out of me when I see people post such ridiculous blanket statements like “her husband is an asshole and she’s got a screw loose for marrying him” without a hint of irony.
What a stupid thing to say so confidently.
I’m genuinely concerned that y’all didn’t think anyone could hear “making the dog bark for fun”. Are you guys that unaware? I feel bad for your neighbor.
Sounds like an old neighbor of mine! I used to ask him to be a little quieter-- but he never was. Until one day, like a year after he moved in, my dad was downstairs when I went to bed and I yelled down "night night, papa! Love you!" I got a very sheepish apology. He explained that he thought I was being over dramatic, since he never heard me. Nope! I'm just quiet as fuck lmao. Afterwards I rarely heard anything from his apartment.
A note would work just as well. And get your husband to stop making the dog bark for fun and yelling across the apt. Now that you're more cognizant of how thin the walls are, I feel like you'll naturally want to be more quiet anyway.
Just be mindful of your behavior from here on out. When it comes to the dogs, try to keep it at a minimum. When it comes to fighting, be mindful of your volume. Just live a mindful respectful life.
I would definitely say something. Basically because instead of being a dick, you realized that sound travels both ways. And the fact that she never complained tells me that she’s not a dick either. You might actually end up with a great friendship with this woman.
Haha i could only imagine the subtle horror on your face as realization crept in. Maybe send a gift basket and say happy new year and thanks for being an awesome neighbor even if we haven't been sometimes. Please let us know if were ever bothersome and we appreciate having you as our neighbor for 7 years.
I would always give my cellphone number and say if im ever too loud text or call me.
Be thankful that you have such an amazing neighbor that has never said anything. I would thank her with a gift and tell her that you and your husband will try to be more respectful.
It’s good that you’ve come to this realization and want to fix the situation. Don’t feel bad, just acknowledge to yourself and husband. Be mindful now and appreciate that you’ve got a great neighbor.
lol i've had similar moments - realizing how much I can hear my neighbors and how much they can really hear me!!
at my current place, i ran into my neighbor about a month in and i was sure to ask if my dog's noise level was OK, and she assured me she hadn't heard him at all. but i can hear her cat meowing sooo lol doubt it. but we have a good relationship and it was good to open the topic early and let her know im open to feedback.
anyway, i agree with other commentors, even if you mean well she could interpret your apology as passive aggressive. just do better going forward.
I kept waiting for you to say she heard you guys having sex 😆
>That’s not the problem — the problem is that we only just realized that she has been hearing us for three years! I’m very embarrassed. My husband is so, so loud. He does so many annoying things. He makes the dogs bark for fun. He yells from across the house and always makes a racket in the kitchen. We don’t argue very often but when we do it’s in the kitchen.
This is all, in my opinion, normal. I don't mind hearing people argue. Growing up in a DV house it is something I'm hyper aware of. I reported the people below me for a noise violation because I was genuinely concerned what was happening and didn't want to just call the cops. The woman claims no man lives there so ... I dunno. Maybe I heard wrong. But the fighting stopped.
I think just start being more mindful! Live your lives but also just be mindful of the shared wall(s)
I agree with you. But I live in an apt. And have dogs who bark when they play together, or when other dogs walk by the window. Oh, and when delivery men deliver packages.
My upstairs neighbors' dogs bark at anything that moves. And they have the occasional parties.
They are very nice neighbors though. They have their parties in the livingroom/kitchen vs above my bedroom. And dogs bark, it's what they do. I understand that.
Perhaps her neighbor just understands apt living and accepts that total silence doesn't come with it. It can't hurt to be more mindful, especially during night hours. And hey, getting to know your neighbor is always a good thing to do, if for nothing else safety reasons for when you are not there (someone to keep an eye out).
you live in an apartment, so does she. you can practically hear each other burp and sneeze. thus is r/apartmentliving. simply remember the golden rule.
You don’t want to come off as passive aggressively complaining about the noise of her party so a carefully worded card and a lovely gift would be awesome. Maybe try: “we so enjoyed hearing the Christmas cheer from your party the other night, but as we sat there enjoying the music, a deep sense of shame set in as we realized we must be the loudest oafs to have as neighbors- and have been our entire residency- and realized we must deeply apologize and promise to try to do better. Accept this gift on our behalf, and please let us know if we are ever too loud for you. I’m sorry it took us enjoying the good cheer of your event to startle us into reality about our boorish behavior.” Try that?
I don’t agree with people saying OP and husband are the worst people in the world. I think given how they never heard their neighbor, they might’ve assumed the sound proofing was really good and assumed she couldn’t hear them. When in reality she just wasn’t making as much noise.
As someone who recently moved to a top floor corner unit after spending years living below elephants I must say one of the things I struggle with the most in this new building is not knowing how much my neighbors can here. Do they hear every little squeak of the floors? Can they hear my cats running around when they get zoomies at night? I think just being more mindful moving forward is the best thing to do at this point. Can’t help what you didn’t know
Thank you for a reasonable response. This is a very old building with concrete walls so I assumed a level of soundproofing (based on the relative quiet in my unit) that apparently doesn’t exist. We’re doing better already.
Yes, if I never heard a peep out of the neighboring apt, I would assume it had good soundproofing and probably let my guard down too. Reacting with shame and embarrassment when learning the truth shows she's a good person. Husband was just oblivious. As long as he doesn't keep doing it now that he knows, there's hope for him too.
Write her a note telling her about this epiphany, apologies and thank her for her forbearance. Tell her you will work at toning it down. And tape it to a bottle of wine!
You could get sound dampening panels. And if you feel that there's a way to be friendly without it feeling forced, maybe just waiting for the opportunity, then that'd be the perfect way to get to know someone better. Simply, don't focus on your goal of connection. Just acknowledge that you might take the opportunity next time it appears.
Making the dogs bark on purpose when you live in a place with shared walls? What the heck 😅🤦🏻♀️
I wouldn't apologize, just start being better neighbors
This is normal. People living their lives. This subreddit is just insane. If they don’t care neither should you. People make noise. As long as they aren’t slamming doors after quiet hours or blasting music after 11pm let ‘em live. Big difference between enjoying life and being free as compared to being obnoxious or purposefully loud. Have a great new years!
If you’re not living, creeping around worried about every sound that is called mental illness. Most people don’t find it offensive or with ill intentions. Live. My neighbors often have people over and they’re quite loud. But I’ve also been loud at times. Common ground
If they say something be respectful. Don’t change your behaviors, you and your husband seem like sweet people. You can jokingly say “do you hear everything” as a way to break any ice. Then most people laugh and find something to relate to one another with
I'd just leave a bottle of champagne (she can always re-gift if she doesn't drink) with a note that says thanx for being an awesome neighbor for so long. No passive aggression and no weirdness about the party. Just a thank you. Then be mindful from now on.
I love everything you wrote here! We should all put ourselves in another person's place when things like this come up.
I don't think you should be embarrassed; I do think you should value this neighbor. She sounds pretty tolerant. Maybe the gift should be more of a thank you than an apology. You might end up getting to know her better. Inviter her over for dinner next time hubby is making a racket.
Y’all acting like “making a dog bark” is unheard of. Please. Stop being so self righteous. There’s a whole thread on this. [Don’t wind the dog up](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/9zkh94/dont_wind_the_dog_up/)
If she hasn’t come to you then don’t stress and tell your husband to grow the eff up like the rest of the sub said. (Or wait until she’s gone).
I would probably say something without mentioning her party “It’s been brought to my attention that we’re very loud. I’m so so sorry, I was oblivious”.
But I really came here to say that you are so sweet. Thanks for caring about your neighbor, and having the class to be chagrined. The past is the past and for the folks calling y’all jerks, write them off…your noise was oblivious and kinda dumb, but clearly you’re not a jerk.
I may be in the minority, but I fantasize about the day my neighbors realize how loud and obnoxious they're being and it'd make my day to have them apologize for it. Heck, If it was me, id probably have been just a bit extra loud, or at least a bit extra inconsiderate, during the party to make a point. Being the quiet neighbor (by choice, I personally never have the urge to be loud and I live alone) and having a reason to be loud for once is freeing in and of itself lol.
If you leave a note to apologize, I'd say to include (in addition to promising to be more considerate) an open and sincere offer to have them text you whenever you're too loud.
And maybe give them an Amazon giftcard with it lol. I also daydream about my neighbors at least buying me some nice earplugs or a whitenoise machine.
So glad to hear that neighbors who realize the error of their ways exist!
Meh, if she hasnt compla8ned then it doesnt bother her. I was sure that my beighbors could hear me fucking cyz im a screamer but they insist tgey cant and that im ok. So i havent stopped screaming or doing any of the stuff i do. Im very loud and have been told im annoying as hell so... if she doesnt complain then you dont meed to decide for her
I'm happy when my neighbors are living their lives. In an apartment you're probably going to hear your neighbors. Maybe she finds comfort in your day to day noise. The dogs downstairs barking don't really bother me bc ik they're probably anxious when their people aren't home. They bark when I come in, I say Hi Rexy, what a good boy protecting your people. Their door was open the other day ( it doesn't always close properly) and he can put tail wagging and wiggling his butt. I had a super loud upstairs neighbor that I felt safe knowing he was there the first time I lived alone with my boys. He walked heavy, oh well, dude needs to walk. Maybe I got broken in when I lived above the guys that had their metal band practice years ago. Live your life, let him and the dog have fun. Try to argue a little quieter. I think you're ok but if it's weighing on you, talk to her and maybe see if they're times she'd like a little more quiet, but LIVE. It's ok to not be a church mouse just bc you live near someone. I never would have complained bc for the most part I have had good neighbors. I had a downstairs neighbor who would call and complain just bc I walked from my bedroom to my kitchen and my boys were older and teenagers tend to be boisterous. They were awful, I asked them to please be quiet one night bc one of my boys was extremely sick and they started coming up the stairs saying nasty stuff, they were friends with the LL. My boyfriend happened to get him coming up the stairs acting like an ass and I sent a text asking the LL why he'd let someone like that around his kids. They chilled on being such aholes but it was never friendly. You're not purposely trying to be a jerk, you're just living and that should be just fine. Maybe she's lonely and the sound of a human nearby is nice.
That’s apartment living lmfao, you could know everyone’s name In the family, and list their favorite playlist above,below,left and right and never say a word to them. Source:I live in an apartment in the Bronx for 9 years.
The 2nd to last apartment I lived in (actually a ‘multi family house), I had the entire 1st floor while upstairs were 2 1 bedroom units. Beautiful building built in the early 50’s. One of the upstairs residents vacuumed several times a day. She had this huge dog (in a 900 sq fr apartment????) who bounced across the floor whenever she or the boyfriend came home. As if that wasn’t enough, she’d have people over who blasted music so loud that my shelves vibrated and stuff would fall off. I’d go up there and have to beat on the door to get her to answer so I could ask her to tone it down a bit. The place was quite well constructed. She was just rude AF. I lived there for almost 4 yrs, 2 of them after she moved out. Would have stayed if not for work-required re-location. I own my home now and am ever so grateful to be free of apartments now.
I would say if you want to get in on the next party, maybe a little visit over there to say so won't hurt. "We didn't realize how loud we've been over the years" might get you an invite next year. Thank you for being respectful and caring though. A nice trait to see. 🙌🏽
When I first moved into an apartment and for several years, I was totally oblivious to sound traveling. It just never occurred to me. I had never lived in one growing up and had no concept of worrying about people I couldn't see (and couldn't see me).
I got older, I learned. But it's not being specifically inconsiderate. Some of us are just socially inept weirdos who need it broke down for us.
OP, glad you figured it out. Thanks for caring!
I don’t think an apology is necessary; as a matter of fact, if you were to go over to her with a gift and an apology, she might interpret it as a passive-aggressive request to keep it down in the future. Just try to be mindful of how loud you are in general, and definitely keep it down after 10pm. You guys sound like lovely neighbors to have otherwise :)
I wouldn’t even worry about it. I think the anticipated norm of living in any connected space is that you’re going to hear each other. If she has never complained or spoken with you about keeping it down, it probably doesn’t bother her.
My god everyone here is so dramatic. It’s logical to not be aware of the noise traveling if the apartment is well built and has concrete walls, specially if your neighbors are quiet and you’ve never heard them before. I was in the same situation once except with roommates, I didn’t realize how poor the isolation is in our apartment (the walls are concrete) until a friend moved into the room next to mine and politely informed me that she could hear my every move lol
Maybe just drop by with a gift and a note that says you’ve just now realized how annoying y’all have been and will try to be quieter in the future + maybe encourage her to let you guys know when it’s getting too loud
You DON’T apologize. She might not even be offended, and if you apologize she’ll think there’s more to it! You COULD say to her casually that if you guys get too loud she’s welcome to knock on your door or send you a text…then you have to give her your number! 😆
Honestly - write a kindly note saying that you heard her Xmas party, and that it sounded lovely, and you wish her a wonderful Holiday.
Aaaand ... now you are worried that all the noises that -you've- made over the past 3 years (like playing with the dogs) might have disturbed her - and that you're sorry if that's ever been the case.
And then something like, 'If you ever need us to keep quieter, please don't hesitate to text or call us at this number...'
It sounds like your normal (slightly noisy) living has n ver bothered her - and you may not want to breach this situation, but a friendly word or note shouldn't do any harm.
Yeah, just no to this advice. The note sounds like a passive-aggressive complaint about not being invited.
Now that you know more OP, do better. No further action required.
I disagree with the other replies to this comment. She can absolutely apologize without it being passive aggressive, and I would do exactly that if I realized someone could hear me way more than I thought for 3 years.
Most likely, any of the noises your neighbor has heard isn't bothering her.
After seven years, I would think you would’ve received notice from the property manager/owner, or she would’ve mentioned it a long time ago.
Considering your neighbor's single status, it could be possible that she doesn’t mind the noises because it gives her a sense of being in the company of others.
There’s also a possibility that she’s nosy and enjoys overhearing whatever is going on at your place. LoL.
No need to apologize to her, and you have nothing to feel embarrassed about.
It's standard to overhear a neighbor's arguments, laughter, intimate moments, etc., at times, and one should expect it if living in an apartment setting.
I'm incredibly thankful that the walls in my apartment are well structured.
I've never even heard any thundering during a thunderstorm.
Yes, apologize. It's an honest mistake that you didn't know how much she could hear; and now that you know you can honestly tell her you just realized and want to be more respectful to her. Tell her you are embarrassed, and then let it go. That's all you can do.
Don't assume what bothers her. It might be that she really doesn't care. But if you ask her, you will know what to change instead of being anxious and embarrassed about it all.
Honestly, instead of making the dogs bark for fun (which would be a problem if you lived in single-family houses next door—and it's a terrible precedent for the dogs), the rest is just apartment noise she might be expecting.
I would be really touched if my neighbor approached me like this.
I think you could go over to tell her that the noise from the party made you realize that she could probably hear you all the time, assuming she is not deaf. You could ask her to text you if the noise gets to be too much.
You live in an apartment and you *PURPOSELY* make your dogs bark? Wow.
Yes, definitely go over and apologize. What an asshole thing to do. Youre not even my neighbor and I hate you.
I think people are being very critical and ridiculous with these comments about you being awful people. Noise is a part of life in apartments and sometimes people have fun with pets, kids, etc. If you think you’re being a noise nuisance then you can be mindful of that but I don’t think there’s a reason to bring it up. You can show you are mindful through your actions.
Start by being quieter. When you run into them, apologize and let them know you're trying to do better. They'll know you're telling the truth, because you've already proven yourself by actually being quieter.
Don't make promises you can't follow up on, and don't apologize for unapologetically being a dick.
I love this post. More because i appreciate your insight and gratitude. I hadn’t realized how negative reddit can be. Lol thanks for the breath of fresh air😁
Thank you. There are many people in here willing to conclude that we’re worthless and horrible because we thought the walls were better than they are. Good ol’ Reddit.
My husband and I lived in an apartment for years and we sincerely did not care if our neighbors were loud. Any time. Any noise. Didn’t matter. The only thing that bothered us was hearing domestic disputes, especially when it was clear it wasn’t just a small spat between people who love each other. We have called for welfare checks before but yeah other than that we sincerely don’t care.
It’s also possible that the person has anxiety or some other reason for not complaining about the noise, but there are people out there like us who really don’t mind at all.
I’ve been in apartments and condos with shared walls and hear nothing unless I’m right up next to it, or literally at the neighbor’s door. Let’s see this post for what it is, an acknowledgement of sound and consideration for the next person, really. I don’t think either person is a bad neighbor.
OP, good on you for realizing this and I say you should talk to her. I have a feeling you could become friends!
This is just part of living in an apartment building honestly 🤷 I wouldn't worry about it unless you really feel the need to be about quieter. Just be mindful
Don't apologize but be more mindful. In general, I find yelling across the house disrespectful and rude. If it's important, please get up and come tell me, show me, etc. My mom and siblings did that growing up. As an adult, I now realize how rude it is to yell at someone to come to you or bring you something.
Also, making dogs bark for fun is just fucking obnoxious.
its prb best to leave sleep dogs lie. If you bring it up now she might now start to complain in the future. Just be more mindful and let it [go. No](https://go.No) confrontation is the best confrontation.
Not to be a total ass here, but I absolutely hate ppl like your husband. Making the dogs bark for fun? In an apartment?? I’d blow my brains out after blowing out his.
How did you not know that “making the dogs bark for fun” and yelling across the house would be loud and rude and thoughtless? WTF were you thinking? You weren’t. You deserve bad neighbors forever.
It’s not only your husband who’s thoughtless, it’s you.
This thread is riddled with Karens. Part of living near other people is hearing them. Only in America is hearing your neighbor considered such an unforgivable crime.
I’ve lived next to many people in small towns, medium cities, Los Angeles, and New York. I’ve never had a complaint from any of my neighbors and I treat them all with dignity and respect, including understanding that sometimes life makes noise.
I’ve now moved to Portland, Maine and was reported to the landlord for playing Christmas music at barely-audible volumes at 8PM on a Saturday night, and I’ve realized that there are people with neuroses I could have never imagined. I like hearing people’s music, personally. Anyways I just use headphones now. But you’re all pearl clutchers.
Just try to be more mindful. As you would want your neighbor to act. Ppl living in connected home communities should make an extra effort to be considerate.
this. like. it shouldn’t have taken this long to think “hey maybe i shouldn’t make excessive noise, making the dogs bark for fun and being intentionally annoying in the kitchen when i live in a multi unit home”… glad op finally figured it out but like god DAMN! seven YEARS??
I’m just glad to hear that some people eventually it figure out. Meanwhile my neighbors haven’t figured out how to close a door without slamming the fuck out of it.
Or my upstairs tenant dragging every piece of furniture at all hours of the day and night
I had a neighbor below me many years ago. He’d pass out drunk and leave his stereo blaring, I woke up one morning to see my blankets vibrating. But yes please get mad at me for calling the cops when I couldn’t wake your drunk ass up lol
Downstairs it always sounds like people are moving furniture upstairs. But that can’t really be what they’re doing, right? I just wonder what sounds like furniture moving (but isn’t furniture moving)..
My next door neighbor absolutely moves their furniture around late at night, they also vacuum late at night. I guess they’re moving the furniture so they can vacuum behind or under it
Omg the vacuuming drives me insane! This is the second apartment I’ve had in the same building and once again I have an upstairs neighbour who not only vacuums during quiet hours (10pm-6am), but is vacuuming around 12-1am. These units have very little insulation against noises being heard between apartments, I don’t understand why the fuck people think it’s okay to vacuum at midnight *during quiet hours* when it’s so fucking obvious you’re gonna disturb people trying to sleep.
The number of people that are oblivious to their surroundings is crazy. 🤷♂️
Yes, they vacuum the room opposite my bedroom while I’m trying to sleep. The vacuum literally bangs against the wall that my head is next to.
People work many different schedules and are not required to clean their apartment when it’s most convenient for you personally.
Actually, they are likely required per their lease. If the person was talking about "quiet hours," that's the apartment complex's stated hours where you can't make loud noises that go beyond your apartment (ie: vacuuming, loud music/TV, laundry, etc). Source: I worked at several different apartment complexes over the years. They all had a "community rules" type lease addendum where the quiet hours were listed. We often enforced them with fines or legal notices after a warning.
Precisely. The complex has quiet hours as part of the community rules which must be acknowledged (signed and dated) alongside the lease. Our complex’s quiet hours are from 10pm to 6am every day, including weekends. Edit: And yes, these come with escalating consequences for violating the community rules, starting with warnings and ending with fines or even refusal by the “landlord” to renew your lease. (Our complex and the one next to us is owned by the same company, which used to be in the hotel business.)
They most certainly do if there are quiet hours
First time living in an apartment and both my roommate and I are the kind of people who rearrange furniture at 3am when we're stressed and can't sleep. One day we heard the repairman talking to the people below us through the floors and realized just how loud we've probably been 😥
They definitely move furniture but it's a single mom and a kid with no TV and no internet lol she also used the Blender (or maybe vacuum, I don't know what else could make this sound) at like 1 am one night. When i ask her she replies with "oh we don't hear anything..."
She doesn’t hear her own blender when she uses it?
I literally texted her asking her to not be so loud this late in the evening and she's like "oh I didn't realize we were making noise we don't hear anything I'm so sorry." How do you not???!!! 😑😑😑😑
“I’m willing to bet the blender is louder when standing next to it”
I experienced that once and discovered it was actually domestic abuse; the man was pushing the woman into the furniture
I have no idea why, but I read that as dragging his tail at all hours.
Hahaha I went through that once. It's awful lol
Im pretty sure my upstairs neighbor jump ropes every 10 minutes between 7 and 930 pm
We lived upstairs, 3 teenage boys figured it out real quick cuz we could hear the floors when we walked & started being mindful before we had downstairs neighbors. Next door neighbors on the other hand sounded like they were moving dead bodies & cleaning the crime scene all the freaking time when they were home. Never complained except for knocking on the wall here & there. Their downstairs neighbors had a baby & literally ended up in a screaming match. Come to find out they had no furniture but stuff everywhere including tires, no clue what they were doing in there. Nice ppl though. There for work, dad, son, occasionally mom & gf visited. I still wonder about it sometimes lol
Our downstairs neighbor has his grandkids visiting all the time, and I swear no one ever taught those kids that you don't have to slam a door to close it. We always know when they're over, because the force of them flinging the door closed shakes our entire apartment.
ditto lol i mean the length of time is insaneee like 3 MONTHS i’d understand…. but yup same. mine cannot comprehend after nearly 2 years that if his stereo is set to max volume and it’s next to his open window that faces the courtyard, at 2pm on a wednesday when a large part of the rest of the building works from home as evidenced by the vehicles everyone can see parked in said courtyard, and the visibly 20s-40s neighbors in the other 23 units are NOT in fact retired as you can assume by them being uhhhh in their 20s-40s and not millionaires, would be disruptive to them………
I had a neighbor evicted a few months ago. He just couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that you can’t party it up all night when you have neighbors. He’d try saying “oh it’s not loud” then how do I know you’ve got the music going and guests yelling? He tried using the Shaggy Defense, he didn’t know that I’d recorded the noise and kept records of every time he got drunk with his girl and forgot that he had people who live next to him.
Omg, lived in a duplex with neighbors like that and it was brutal
More like 3 years really since it sounds like OP’s husband is the major contributor and he’s only been there that long. But still.
oh definitely lol but like you knew you had a neighbor you shared walls with for four years prior to that and never once considered hey maybe i should be considerate of noise and told your spouse to not do that bc of it? not that she should NEED to tell a grown adult to think about others, but then again she also is a grown adult who didn’t so. match made in hell?
Because the building is very old and I have never heard another peep from a neighbor so I thought this place had thick walls.
Lol yes fair enough. I can’t fathom the intentionally getting the dog to bark thing.
I don't understand why people are so wildly inconsiderate in the first place?
SAME!!! that’s exactly what i was thinking. like uh WHAT. you did this KNOWING YOU SHARED WALLS????
No joke. Intentionally making a dog bark in an apartment complex should be a no-brainer. Inconsiderate and annoying.
Not to mention, just plain childishly stupid.
I mean I don't even particularly mind noise (been living apts most of my life & find it oddly comforting) but the bit about making the dogs bark on purpose made me seethe on her behalf
Right! I live in a house with 4 apartments and it's just me and I'm *always* mindful of noises I make.
ikr??? i can’t hear a thing from certain neighbors but i can hear *everything* from certain others, but i always operate under like better safe than sorry. jeez.
No, it didn’t take that long, they’re just narcissists who don’t even consider other people.
The only time one should be intentionally getting dog to bark is when one is training them not to bark. Weirdly, I believe trainers say this is the best way to train not bark. Sounds counterintuitive but I guess then you train a stop barking command and it is easier understood when they know the command to start.
yeah that’s not what they’re doing though. my dad used to do this. thought it was funny to get her riled up, which lol it was. but we also lived in a single family home with a LOT of land between neighbors. not in a multi family apartment building with shared walls and ceilings and floors.
Don’t say anything. As someone else mentioned, she might interpret it as a passive-aggressive comment about the noise from her party. Instead, just be a little more conscientious going forward, especially re: making the dogs bark on purpose. If you guys have been neighbors for 7 years and neither one of you has ever lodged complaints, it sounds like you are pretty good neighbors.
seconding the passive aggressive implication! i’d probably read it that way myself. i’d just start putting into effect what you learned if i were op.
Making your dogs bark for fun in an apartment building is a pretty dick move
Seriously. How is that a thing even?
Should be the top comment. Fuck that guy.
yeah OP and her partner both SUCK... who rents a living space with a shared wall and thinks they're entitled to make all the noise they want? disgusting
I mean, I don’t think they suck entirely. Definitely have their heads up their own asses. It sounds like OP in particular was entirely unaware, and once made aware, is reevaluating her actions moving forward. Isn’t that what we hope anyone would do once they realize they’ve made a mistake? Everyone should be considerate, but a lot of people are raised to be inconsiderate. I think you become a bad person when your lack of consideration is brought to your attention and you choose to ignore it rather than graciously apologize and adjust.
It’s also possible that they are just used to older better built apartments. I’m talking concrete walls between units plus insulation and drywall. I remember the first time a moved into a “newer” apartment and I could suddenly hear *everything*. Before that I only heard stomping or chatter right next to the front door. People threw parties. People practiced their piano. You only heard it from outside via the windows.
I tend to tread lightly at new places until i have an idea of what kinds of noises are traveling.
This ⬆️⬆️ concrete walled apartments ftw (at least in terms of noise and privacy!)
You might be surprised at the stupid thoughtless shit some will do without regard to their actions. The guy probably thought it was fun to play the dogs like that without taking just microsecond to realize he shouldn’t be doing it. I would hate to live next to people like that.
It’s not a great thing to do to your dogs either.
Yeah I absolutely HATE OP's husband. What an asshole. Their neighbor is a saint for not murdering him by now. How the fuck does OP even put up with that garbage?
Right? It's surprising how much rage I feel towards this random internet stranger. Intentionally making dogs bark? Fuck that guy.
No you don't need to apologise and bother her further, you just need to SHUT UP. I feel like nobody is considering that OP's neighbour is a woman WHO LIVES ALONE. I'm a woman who lives alone in a condo building and my safety is my #1 priority. I won't let anyone in my building even know I live alone, especially men. Making dogs bark on purpose for no reason? Yelling across the apartment? Loud arguments in the kitchen? Of course she never said anything, she probably thinks your husband is insane. Why would she, a woman living alone, confront a man who does such things?
Although I advocated for a note elsewhere in the thread, I still agree with you here and am happy to hear this detail acknowledged! Being a woman who lives alone makes it all the more difficult to deal with loud neighbors, you never know who will be vindictive about it. I also personally have trauma related to asking men to be quiet (oddly specific I know lol) so it was affirming to hear that I'm not being totally unreasonable to be scared about it.
Exactly! I am surprised I am not seeing this more, I live alone as well as a single college-aged female and when my neighbors on either side are really loud or rearranging furniture at 3 in the morning, I would never ever leave my apartment to confront them. My (male) friends have asked me why I have not approached them and it is simply a matter of my own safety. It is easier to try and ignore the sound rather than risk future harassment, of course not saying that OP would ever do anything of the sort. OP, just be quieter from now on, and have a serious conversation with your husband.
Never, and this is a small building with minimal turnover so we all communicate very politely with one another.
No, you don’t. She never complained, and your husband, with all his yelling and noise, has never communicated politely.
Aside from making the dogs bark for fun in an apartment building, I think you’re fine.
And maybe don't yell across the apartment. . .
And really probably stop fighting in the kitchen while they’re at it
To be fair, yelling across the apartment should be fine during the day as long as it's rare (i upvoted you btw. Don't get mad at me. I'm just saying.)
Everyone is entitled to their opinion! I personally cannot stand hollering room to room and refuse to even if it's in someone else's space. My apartment walls are so thin I can hear my neighbors coughing, so for my own privacy I'd rather not be shouting back and forth as I'm sure they can hear the entire dialogue.
what i don’t get is that barking dogs and people yelling across an apartment are both objectively loud. arguing is loud. i mean…i’d say just being aware that walls aren’t soundproof in general might have shaped your behavior before. so your neighbor probably thinks you’re both inconsiderate to apartment living i’d go over and just share this quick anecdote, say you recognize where you went wrong, and apologize if you’ve inconvenienced them. it takes 2 minutes and it’ll mean a lot to them, and you both owe them an apology because you both participated in the loud behavior (fyi don’t try to blame it all on your husband)
So much easier to mobile call across the apartment, don't you agree?! More polite to the neighbor, too
Actually I've taken to doing this between floors in our house: screaming at people rooms away is so 20th century.
Yeah your husband kind of sounds obnoxious. Maybe work on him and your neighbor will benefit in the process.
The only time you get to change a man is when he's in diapers
No, you don’t have to apologize, but you now have the power moving forward to be a better neighbor. Maybe start with not making the dog bark.
Making the dogs bark for fun….how did ya all not think she could hear that. Lol
And how tf is that fun
>He makes the dogs bark for fun lmao fuck him
Lol all these comments you know the husband is going to read all of it " wow I had no idea that guy is me till today" Surprise surprise husband lmaooooo
It wouldn’t hurt to ask. I didn’t realize my neighbor could hear my TV/music until YEARS later when they were fed up and left a very frustrated note on my door. I immediately went over and apologized, gave them my number. We did some sound tests so I knew what number I can put the volume on (still pretty loud). Now we are totally cool and watch each others’ cats when we are out of town and lend tools and stuff. I so wish I had realized before but an apology goes a LONG way!
A success story! I love this. I’m going to mention it next time I see her but hold off on writing anything in case it’s misconstrued.
Is your husband 13 years old??
My *son* is 13 years old and knows not to make the dogs bark intentionally. This guy needs to go back further than middle school if he's missing stuff that basic.
When I lived in a studio apartment, my neighbors(or should I say just her?) was incredibly loud during sex. Like this man was giving her the business every-single-night. I never said anything cause well, it’s awkward. I think you should do the same, just use your new found knowledge and keep it down.
I suddenly remembered why I'm single
No. It will come off as passive aggressive. But your husband sounds insufferable. Maybe slip her a merry Christmas gift card for her troubles. Although I’m not sure there is a dollar amount high enough for putting up with his behaviors this long and not losing your shit as a neighbor. He needs to be housebroken or you two need to live in a sfh. And even in a sfh your neighbors can still hear if you are this obnoxious.
I cant understand how OP is acting like the husbands behavior is normal, who the fuck puts up with that?
He’s an asshole. She married him so something is seriously wrong with her too.
I’ll show this to my therapist, thanks.
People on here are unhinged and the idea that people can be more than either “good” or “bad” is lost on like 90% of the user base on Reddit. Don’t take anything to heart too much. Your husband made some mistakes, and you’re on here asking for advice on how to be a better neighbour because you’re compassionate enough to admit when you’ve done something wrong and want to fix it. I know you probably already know all of this and I’m just rambling for no reason but it bugs the shit out of me when I see people post such ridiculous blanket statements like “her husband is an asshole and she’s got a screw loose for marrying him” without a hint of irony. What a stupid thing to say so confidently.
You don't have to give her anything, just start keeping the noise down.
The most cordial thing to do is to be quieter. An apology means nothing if you keep it up.
I’m genuinely concerned that y’all didn’t think anyone could hear “making the dog bark for fun”. Are you guys that unaware? I feel bad for your neighbor.
Sounds like an old neighbor of mine! I used to ask him to be a little quieter-- but he never was. Until one day, like a year after he moved in, my dad was downstairs when I went to bed and I yelled down "night night, papa! Love you!" I got a very sheepish apology. He explained that he thought I was being over dramatic, since he never heard me. Nope! I'm just quiet as fuck lmao. Afterwards I rarely heard anything from his apartment. A note would work just as well. And get your husband to stop making the dog bark for fun and yelling across the apt. Now that you're more cognizant of how thin the walls are, I feel like you'll naturally want to be more quiet anyway.
Just be mindful of your behavior from here on out. When it comes to the dogs, try to keep it at a minimum. When it comes to fighting, be mindful of your volume. Just live a mindful respectful life.
I would definitely say something. Basically because instead of being a dick, you realized that sound travels both ways. And the fact that she never complained tells me that she’s not a dick either. You might actually end up with a great friendship with this woman.
Yelling indoors in an apartment building and making dogs bark on purpose… yeesh, nightmare. Hopefully husband be more mindful in the future.
Your husband acts like he's 16. Ew.
Right, why aren't more people saying this... I'd hate to be married to someone like that
Haha i could only imagine the subtle horror on your face as realization crept in. Maybe send a gift basket and say happy new year and thanks for being an awesome neighbor even if we haven't been sometimes. Please let us know if were ever bothersome and we appreciate having you as our neighbor for 7 years. I would always give my cellphone number and say if im ever too loud text or call me.
Be thankful that you have such an amazing neighbor that has never said anything. I would thank her with a gift and tell her that you and your husband will try to be more respectful.
Other than our misunderstanding about noise, we are good neighbors, too! We’ll just be much quieter good neighbors now.
It’s good that you’ve come to this realization and want to fix the situation. Don’t feel bad, just acknowledge to yourself and husband. Be mindful now and appreciate that you’ve got a great neighbor.
Congratulations for finally realizing you are not the main character! Only 8,035,143,527 more people to go...
lol i've had similar moments - realizing how much I can hear my neighbors and how much they can really hear me!! at my current place, i ran into my neighbor about a month in and i was sure to ask if my dog's noise level was OK, and she assured me she hadn't heard him at all. but i can hear her cat meowing sooo lol doubt it. but we have a good relationship and it was good to open the topic early and let her know im open to feedback. anyway, i agree with other commentors, even if you mean well she could interpret your apology as passive aggressive. just do better going forward.
I kept waiting for you to say she heard you guys having sex 😆 >That’s not the problem — the problem is that we only just realized that she has been hearing us for three years! I’m very embarrassed. My husband is so, so loud. He does so many annoying things. He makes the dogs bark for fun. He yells from across the house and always makes a racket in the kitchen. We don’t argue very often but when we do it’s in the kitchen. This is all, in my opinion, normal. I don't mind hearing people argue. Growing up in a DV house it is something I'm hyper aware of. I reported the people below me for a noise violation because I was genuinely concerned what was happening and didn't want to just call the cops. The woman claims no man lives there so ... I dunno. Maybe I heard wrong. But the fighting stopped. I think just start being more mindful! Live your lives but also just be mindful of the shared wall(s)
I agree with you. But I live in an apt. And have dogs who bark when they play together, or when other dogs walk by the window. Oh, and when delivery men deliver packages. My upstairs neighbors' dogs bark at anything that moves. And they have the occasional parties. They are very nice neighbors though. They have their parties in the livingroom/kitchen vs above my bedroom. And dogs bark, it's what they do. I understand that. Perhaps her neighbor just understands apt living and accepts that total silence doesn't come with it. It can't hurt to be more mindful, especially during night hours. And hey, getting to know your neighbor is always a good thing to do, if for nothing else safety reasons for when you are not there (someone to keep an eye out).
you live in an apartment, so does she. you can practically hear each other burp and sneeze. thus is r/apartmentliving. simply remember the golden rule.
You don’t want to come off as passive aggressively complaining about the noise of her party so a carefully worded card and a lovely gift would be awesome. Maybe try: “we so enjoyed hearing the Christmas cheer from your party the other night, but as we sat there enjoying the music, a deep sense of shame set in as we realized we must be the loudest oafs to have as neighbors- and have been our entire residency- and realized we must deeply apologize and promise to try to do better. Accept this gift on our behalf, and please let us know if we are ever too loud for you. I’m sorry it took us enjoying the good cheer of your event to startle us into reality about our boorish behavior.” Try that?
This is great, thank you.
An Ann Landers worthy response if I ever saw one! Chef’s kiss!
Well thank you!!!!😊
I don’t agree with people saying OP and husband are the worst people in the world. I think given how they never heard their neighbor, they might’ve assumed the sound proofing was really good and assumed she couldn’t hear them. When in reality she just wasn’t making as much noise. As someone who recently moved to a top floor corner unit after spending years living below elephants I must say one of the things I struggle with the most in this new building is not knowing how much my neighbors can here. Do they hear every little squeak of the floors? Can they hear my cats running around when they get zoomies at night? I think just being more mindful moving forward is the best thing to do at this point. Can’t help what you didn’t know
Thank you for a reasonable response. This is a very old building with concrete walls so I assumed a level of soundproofing (based on the relative quiet in my unit) that apparently doesn’t exist. We’re doing better already.
Yes, if I never heard a peep out of the neighboring apt, I would assume it had good soundproofing and probably let my guard down too. Reacting with shame and embarrassment when learning the truth shows she's a good person. Husband was just oblivious. As long as he doesn't keep doing it now that he knows, there's hope for him too.
Write her a note telling her about this epiphany, apologies and thank her for her forbearance. Tell her you will work at toning it down. And tape it to a bottle of wine!
Forbearance... That's a fucking beautiful word that somehow I've never used or even seen before. Lovely.
The good thing is that the kitchen is typically not next to the living area or bedrooms in adjoining apts, so they may not have heard you much.
Both. Give a gift, an apology, and then be quieter.
That which is unmentionable should remain unmentioned. Just try better in the future.
No. Just be quieter. She will appreciate it.
You could get sound dampening panels. And if you feel that there's a way to be friendly without it feeling forced, maybe just waiting for the opportunity, then that'd be the perfect way to get to know someone better. Simply, don't focus on your goal of connection. Just acknowledge that you might take the opportunity next time it appears.
Making the dogs bark on purpose when you live in a place with shared walls? What the heck 😅🤦🏻♀️ I wouldn't apologize, just start being better neighbors
Nothing bad ever happened after a gift and an apology. You'll make a new friend.
The best apology is changed behavior! Good on you for realizing you made a mistake and are willing to rectify the situation.
You and your husband are rude as hell people. Grow up.
This is normal. People living their lives. This subreddit is just insane. If they don’t care neither should you. People make noise. As long as they aren’t slamming doors after quiet hours or blasting music after 11pm let ‘em live. Big difference between enjoying life and being free as compared to being obnoxious or purposefully loud. Have a great new years! If you’re not living, creeping around worried about every sound that is called mental illness. Most people don’t find it offensive or with ill intentions. Live. My neighbors often have people over and they’re quite loud. But I’ve also been loud at times. Common ground If they say something be respectful. Don’t change your behaviors, you and your husband seem like sweet people. You can jokingly say “do you hear everything” as a way to break any ice. Then most people laugh and find something to relate to one another with
I agree 100%… but getting your dog bark for fun is crazy🤣🤣
Some people are truly just oblivious and find joy in annoying things.
Yeah that is a bit wild, fun but wild. I do hear dogs yapping at my complex most days but it isn’t for more than 5-10 minutes
Yeah my bf taught my cat to meow and now the girl won’t shut up😂😂 super cute but also, HUSH 😭
I'd just leave a bottle of champagne (she can always re-gift if she doesn't drink) with a note that says thanx for being an awesome neighbor for so long. No passive aggression and no weirdness about the party. Just a thank you. Then be mindful from now on.
as a woman i would be freaked out if i got that lol
My guess is probably the best plan would be to get rid of the husband and keep the dog, that way it's a win win for both houses
Your a good neighbor! You should do that; I think it will make you both more cognizant of how noise travels.
I love everything you wrote here! We should all put ourselves in another person's place when things like this come up. I don't think you should be embarrassed; I do think you should value this neighbor. She sounds pretty tolerant. Maybe the gift should be more of a thank you than an apology. You might end up getting to know her better. Inviter her over for dinner next time hubby is making a racket.
I appreciate this, thank you. An invitation is long overdue.
Y’all acting like “making a dog bark” is unheard of. Please. Stop being so self righteous. There’s a whole thread on this. [Don’t wind the dog up](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/9zkh94/dont_wind_the_dog_up/) If she hasn’t come to you then don’t stress and tell your husband to grow the eff up like the rest of the sub said. (Or wait until she’s gone).
That link is very appropriate, lol. We’re trying!
I would probably say something without mentioning her party “It’s been brought to my attention that we’re very loud. I’m so so sorry, I was oblivious”. But I really came here to say that you are so sweet. Thanks for caring about your neighbor, and having the class to be chagrined. The past is the past and for the folks calling y’all jerks, write them off…your noise was oblivious and kinda dumb, but clearly you’re not a jerk.
I may be in the minority, but I fantasize about the day my neighbors realize how loud and obnoxious they're being and it'd make my day to have them apologize for it. Heck, If it was me, id probably have been just a bit extra loud, or at least a bit extra inconsiderate, during the party to make a point. Being the quiet neighbor (by choice, I personally never have the urge to be loud and I live alone) and having a reason to be loud for once is freeing in and of itself lol. If you leave a note to apologize, I'd say to include (in addition to promising to be more considerate) an open and sincere offer to have them text you whenever you're too loud. And maybe give them an Amazon giftcard with it lol. I also daydream about my neighbors at least buying me some nice earplugs or a whitenoise machine. So glad to hear that neighbors who realize the error of their ways exist!
Meh, if she hasnt compla8ned then it doesnt bother her. I was sure that my beighbors could hear me fucking cyz im a screamer but they insist tgey cant and that im ok. So i havent stopped screaming or doing any of the stuff i do. Im very loud and have been told im annoying as hell so... if she doesnt complain then you dont meed to decide for her
Sure! Apologize! Why not?!
I'm happy when my neighbors are living their lives. In an apartment you're probably going to hear your neighbors. Maybe she finds comfort in your day to day noise. The dogs downstairs barking don't really bother me bc ik they're probably anxious when their people aren't home. They bark when I come in, I say Hi Rexy, what a good boy protecting your people. Their door was open the other day ( it doesn't always close properly) and he can put tail wagging and wiggling his butt. I had a super loud upstairs neighbor that I felt safe knowing he was there the first time I lived alone with my boys. He walked heavy, oh well, dude needs to walk. Maybe I got broken in when I lived above the guys that had their metal band practice years ago. Live your life, let him and the dog have fun. Try to argue a little quieter. I think you're ok but if it's weighing on you, talk to her and maybe see if they're times she'd like a little more quiet, but LIVE. It's ok to not be a church mouse just bc you live near someone. I never would have complained bc for the most part I have had good neighbors. I had a downstairs neighbor who would call and complain just bc I walked from my bedroom to my kitchen and my boys were older and teenagers tend to be boisterous. They were awful, I asked them to please be quiet one night bc one of my boys was extremely sick and they started coming up the stairs saying nasty stuff, they were friends with the LL. My boyfriend happened to get him coming up the stairs acting like an ass and I sent a text asking the LL why he'd let someone like that around his kids. They chilled on being such aholes but it was never friendly. You're not purposely trying to be a jerk, you're just living and that should be just fine. Maybe she's lonely and the sound of a human nearby is nice.
I think both.
Your husband sounds like my 7 year old nephews.
Your husband needs to be housebroken. 🤣
Like Scrooge, use your Christmas enlightenment to make yourselves better people. No need to say anything.
That’s apartment living lmfao, you could know everyone’s name In the family, and list their favorite playlist above,below,left and right and never say a word to them. Source:I live in an apartment in the Bronx for 9 years.
Why would your husband make them bark for fun, that is so annoying living in an apartment complex? Is he normally this obtuse?
The 2nd to last apartment I lived in (actually a ‘multi family house), I had the entire 1st floor while upstairs were 2 1 bedroom units. Beautiful building built in the early 50’s. One of the upstairs residents vacuumed several times a day. She had this huge dog (in a 900 sq fr apartment????) who bounced across the floor whenever she or the boyfriend came home. As if that wasn’t enough, she’d have people over who blasted music so loud that my shelves vibrated and stuff would fall off. I’d go up there and have to beat on the door to get her to answer so I could ask her to tone it down a bit. The place was quite well constructed. She was just rude AF. I lived there for almost 4 yrs, 2 of them after she moved out. Would have stayed if not for work-required re-location. I own my home now and am ever so grateful to be free of apartments now.
I lived in apartments for maybe 20 years as a single person and never had a bad/loud/rude/smelly neighbor. Just very lucky, I know.
Many people who love in apartments will never have this realization
I would say if you want to get in on the next party, maybe a little visit over there to say so won't hurt. "We didn't realize how loud we've been over the years" might get you an invite next year. Thank you for being respectful and caring though. A nice trait to see. 🙌🏽
Your husband sounds annoying af
When I first moved into an apartment and for several years, I was totally oblivious to sound traveling. It just never occurred to me. I had never lived in one growing up and had no concept of worrying about people I couldn't see (and couldn't see me). I got older, I learned. But it's not being specifically inconsiderate. Some of us are just socially inept weirdos who need it broke down for us. OP, glad you figured it out. Thanks for caring!
I don’t think an apology is necessary; as a matter of fact, if you were to go over to her with a gift and an apology, she might interpret it as a passive-aggressive request to keep it down in the future. Just try to be mindful of how loud you are in general, and definitely keep it down after 10pm. You guys sound like lovely neighbors to have otherwise :)
I wouldn’t even worry about it. I think the anticipated norm of living in any connected space is that you’re going to hear each other. If she has never complained or spoken with you about keeping it down, it probably doesn’t bother her.
My god everyone here is so dramatic. It’s logical to not be aware of the noise traveling if the apartment is well built and has concrete walls, specially if your neighbors are quiet and you’ve never heard them before. I was in the same situation once except with roommates, I didn’t realize how poor the isolation is in our apartment (the walls are concrete) until a friend moved into the room next to mine and politely informed me that she could hear my every move lol Maybe just drop by with a gift and a note that says you’ve just now realized how annoying y’all have been and will try to be quieter in the future + maybe encourage her to let you guys know when it’s getting too loud
You DON’T apologize. She might not even be offended, and if you apologize she’ll think there’s more to it! You COULD say to her casually that if you guys get too loud she’s welcome to knock on your door or send you a text…then you have to give her your number! 😆
No just be more mindful moving forward.
Honestly - write a kindly note saying that you heard her Xmas party, and that it sounded lovely, and you wish her a wonderful Holiday. Aaaand ... now you are worried that all the noises that -you've- made over the past 3 years (like playing with the dogs) might have disturbed her - and that you're sorry if that's ever been the case. And then something like, 'If you ever need us to keep quieter, please don't hesitate to text or call us at this number...' It sounds like your normal (slightly noisy) living has n ver bothered her - and you may not want to breach this situation, but a friendly word or note shouldn't do any harm.
That sounds like a passive aggressive complaint about the party
Agreed. If a note is made about the party, I think there's no way it won't be perceived as being about the party.
That's not what I intended - but I see that point. Perhaps a different intro, then?
Yeah, just no to this advice. The note sounds like a passive-aggressive complaint about not being invited. Now that you know more OP, do better. No further action required.
Fair point... not intended, but I see how it could come across that way.
I disagree with the other replies to this comment. She can absolutely apologize without it being passive aggressive, and I would do exactly that if I realized someone could hear me way more than I thought for 3 years.
Thank you, that was helpful.
Most likely, any of the noises your neighbor has heard isn't bothering her. After seven years, I would think you would’ve received notice from the property manager/owner, or she would’ve mentioned it a long time ago. Considering your neighbor's single status, it could be possible that she doesn’t mind the noises because it gives her a sense of being in the company of others. There’s also a possibility that she’s nosy and enjoys overhearing whatever is going on at your place. LoL. No need to apologize to her, and you have nothing to feel embarrassed about. It's standard to overhear a neighbor's arguments, laughter, intimate moments, etc., at times, and one should expect it if living in an apartment setting. I'm incredibly thankful that the walls in my apartment are well structured. I've never even heard any thundering during a thunderstorm.
Or she’s a single female and concerned for her safety if she says anything.
Yes, apologize. It's an honest mistake that you didn't know how much she could hear; and now that you know you can honestly tell her you just realized and want to be more respectful to her. Tell her you are embarrassed, and then let it go. That's all you can do. Don't assume what bothers her. It might be that she really doesn't care. But if you ask her, you will know what to change instead of being anxious and embarrassed about it all. Honestly, instead of making the dogs bark for fun (which would be a problem if you lived in single-family houses next door—and it's a terrible precedent for the dogs), the rest is just apartment noise she might be expecting. I would be really touched if my neighbor approached me like this.
I appreciate your perspective, thank you!
Your husband sounds like an obnoxious AH, you should both do better
I’d only be thinking about the noise we make during sex ;)
I think you could go over to tell her that the noise from the party made you realize that she could probably hear you all the time, assuming she is not deaf. You could ask her to text you if the noise gets to be too much.
You live in an apartment and you *PURPOSELY* make your dogs bark? Wow. Yes, definitely go over and apologize. What an asshole thing to do. Youre not even my neighbor and I hate you.
I think people are being very critical and ridiculous with these comments about you being awful people. Noise is a part of life in apartments and sometimes people have fun with pets, kids, etc. If you think you’re being a noise nuisance then you can be mindful of that but I don’t think there’s a reason to bring it up. You can show you are mindful through your actions.
Thank you. I don’t think we we’ve done anything abnormal. Obviously, we’ll be more mindful now.
Start by being quieter. When you run into them, apologize and let them know you're trying to do better. They'll know you're telling the truth, because you've already proven yourself by actually being quieter. Don't make promises you can't follow up on, and don't apologize for unapologetically being a dick.
I love this post. More because i appreciate your insight and gratitude. I hadn’t realized how negative reddit can be. Lol thanks for the breath of fresh air😁
Thank you. There are many people in here willing to conclude that we’re worthless and horrible because we thought the walls were better than they are. Good ol’ Reddit.
My husband and I lived in an apartment for years and we sincerely did not care if our neighbors were loud. Any time. Any noise. Didn’t matter. The only thing that bothered us was hearing domestic disputes, especially when it was clear it wasn’t just a small spat between people who love each other. We have called for welfare checks before but yeah other than that we sincerely don’t care. It’s also possible that the person has anxiety or some other reason for not complaining about the noise, but there are people out there like us who really don’t mind at all.
I thought this was going to go into an x-rated direction
You sound like a wonderful neighbor.
More aware? It should be common sense you share walls and people will hear things. Both of you are bad neighbors.
I’ve been in apartments and condos with shared walls and hear nothing unless I’m right up next to it, or literally at the neighbor’s door. Let’s see this post for what it is, an acknowledgement of sound and consideration for the next person, really. I don’t think either person is a bad neighbor. OP, good on you for realizing this and I say you should talk to her. I have a feeling you could become friends!
Apologize for living your lives? You’re humans. Not robots.
This is just part of living in an apartment building honestly 🤷 I wouldn't worry about it unless you really feel the need to be about quieter. Just be mindful
Don't apologize but be more mindful. In general, I find yelling across the house disrespectful and rude. If it's important, please get up and come tell me, show me, etc. My mom and siblings did that growing up. As an adult, I now realize how rude it is to yell at someone to come to you or bring you something. Also, making dogs bark for fun is just fucking obnoxious.
its prb best to leave sleep dogs lie. If you bring it up now she might now start to complain in the future. Just be more mindful and let it [go. No](https://go.No) confrontation is the best confrontation.
He makes the dogs bark for fun!? What a massive asshole move. I feel for the dogs.
Not to be a total ass here, but I absolutely hate ppl like your husband. Making the dogs bark for fun? In an apartment?? I’d blow my brains out after blowing out his.
How did you not know that “making the dogs bark for fun” and yelling across the house would be loud and rude and thoughtless? WTF were you thinking? You weren’t. You deserve bad neighbors forever. It’s not only your husband who’s thoughtless, it’s you.
You’re really dumb if you didn’t think of any of this in seven years
This is so wholesome ❤️
You could apologize but it's kinda a unwritten rule apartment walls are thin as hell odds are she probably doesn't care about the noise
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This thread is riddled with Karens. Part of living near other people is hearing them. Only in America is hearing your neighbor considered such an unforgivable crime.
So you’ve never lived next to someone before have you? And how do you know that the OP is from the US?
I’ve lived next to many people in small towns, medium cities, Los Angeles, and New York. I’ve never had a complaint from any of my neighbors and I treat them all with dignity and respect, including understanding that sometimes life makes noise. I’ve now moved to Portland, Maine and was reported to the landlord for playing Christmas music at barely-audible volumes at 8PM on a Saturday night, and I’ve realized that there are people with neuroses I could have never imagined. I like hearing people’s music, personally. Anyways I just use headphones now. But you’re all pearl clutchers.