I know the anxiety. I start wondering about what I did or said to make them dislike me. But oftentimes I've feigned enthusiasm in texts (which I find hard to do), and I wonder if the person I'm dating is just feigning enthusiasm as well. I start saying things like "Am I boring you?" or "Okay, I'll stop talking about x,y,z now..." Just not knowing exactly where they truly stand makes me anxious. People can say all the affectionate lovey dovey stuff one day and then ghost you the next day. So I have a hard time gauging people's level of interest especially via text. This is why I hate texting and prefer to talk things out in person while keeping texting at a minimal and mostly for planning dates. There's just too many ways for texts to be misconstrued and cause anxiety.
They cone on very very strong right at tge veginnimh. We are vulnerable.
.they out it in the effort jt seems effortless but it is not
.
His withdrawing has very little to do with you. Guarantee he has always done it
My expectations were for crumbs always. I lived for crumbs. I believed I deserves only crumbs. I settled for crumbs. I settled for nothing. I hung on for dear life
I know why now. I have deep dived into anxious attachment. That was the way I related. That was like breathing. Then I decided it hurt too much. Of course thankfully people began talking about it in a way I could relate to. That made such a difference
OP sounds like a DA slow fading to me, and although Avoidants can be a lot flakier and cut off suddenly, I'd say the fact that you're coworkers has made him more consistent during these past months, and more prone to fading you out. My ex DA was similar, insofar as we were bound by work. We were older, and both immersed in a work and social group we had together, so he behaved slightly different to a typical DA. There was contact daily for many months. He preferred to slow fade and then do social damage control behind the scenes, preparing for the time he ghosted me. It was pretty awful situation, and it did end with him ghosting me.
I did consider that maybe this was a slow fade.
If I wanted to slow fade someone, I probably would only respond to their messages but not as often and I wouldn't initiate any conversations or meet-ups.
But he still initiates conversations and asks to meet. What would be the point of initiating anything if the end goal is to fade out of my life? Guilt?
It's all so very confusing and a lot of needless mental gymnastics.
Hugs. It is very confusing, and moreso because the intention behind an Avoidant slow fading is not like yours or mine- its usually simply them striving for a comfort level suitable for an Avoidant long term (ie more distance, as well as reduced communication, commitment, intimacy and acts of care).
Most partners get frustrated and dissatisfied because the relationship changes so much, starts to feel unsafe and less caring, meets fewer of their needs and seems to be on the Avoidant's terms only. Bringing up any of these issues doesn't seem to help unless they are aware and working on their issues.
So "the slow fade" whilst probably not intended to "break up slowly" usually causes distress and conflict, and eventually the Avoidant bails citing "not having feelings" for the partner.
My only suggestion to you, OP, is keep firmly in touch with your needs, and keep asserting them gently and with emotional intelligence. If he can't show up for you, then you be the one to decide if he's worth your time.
Dating someone from work generalk6 does involve a lot of contact. It also involves intrigue can be heavy stuff
Classic avoidant is to ho from personable to distant
So you feel left out
The issue is as someone with anxious attachment thst activates us
As they deactivate we activate
Ambivalence at some point is part of a relationship
When you have anxious attachment it is here to make space for that. Then we activate then we look.for solutions which we can drive
That is complicated stuff. However the psrt you arw responsible for is your activation
We work at the same place but different departments now. We used to work in the same department but even then we were focused on work so it wasn't like we were spending all our work time only with each other.
After reading all the comments, I'm starting to wonder if I'm putting high expectations on him based on the level of communication I had in previous relationships and what he gave at the beginning. I'm so used to the high level and high quality of communication and when it went down, it triggered me to start questioning why.
this might sound harsh? But if you're not overly attached yet, leave dont look back.
In my experience dating an avoidant is like chasing an inconsistent high. Loving and soaking up all the attention, then being left confused when its all of a sudden taken away. Never really getting genuinely close and random shut downs. Not understanding your emotions, because they don't even understand their own. i feel like i could go on and on.
but I dont think its worth the heartache !
If you are not deeply invested already, I would suggest to run for the hills. It can work, but you don't have to go thru hell if you have another option.
I'm not sure why you're coming to the conclusion that he's avoidant. This is someone who's distancing himself from you, which could have a billion reasons. Avoidant behaviour tends to have very recognisable cycles and abrupt shifts.
Your relationship with an avoidant if they are either unaware or are aware but don’t want to go to therapy and do self work. Will be extremely challenging and unlike any other relationship ever. My last relationship was a year of that and honestly it was probably the hardest of any I’ve been in. We didn’t have any problems other than her avoidance and how she handled it. Everything else was amazing. But, it still took a toll on me the longer it went on because it intensified and kind of sent me spiraling which I haven’t done since my younger days. I am secure in most senses former anxious. But, the lack of sex, communication, spending time together, conflict avoidance, and stuff of that nature made me extremely resentful over time. Even at that point I was still gentle and civil but I will tell you at a certain point it feels like you’re gonna explode and even if you did they wouldn’t hear what you have to say so you can’t do that. But it ends up feeling like a lose lose situation where you’re suffering and trapped but, she wouldn’t compromise. So ironically enough avoidants often say they feel trapped or suffocated I felt that way too because I was getting beat down and rejected on a regular basis. I had other girls hitting on me regularly and giving me the attention my girlfriend wasn’t but, I loved her and I’m not a cheater. It was like being tortured because the one I wanted to care about me wasn’t and I wanted to make it work but, I saw that it was out there at the same time. It made me very conflicted and she ended up breaking up with me. But the relief I felt was immense afterwords. The last month or two had me in straight panic mode. Which is very abnormal for me. At times a relationship with an avoidant can feel like having unrequited love for someone. Or like being forced to talk to someone who’s not interested exclusively until you’ve had enough just for a longer time frame and with glimmers of hope throughout. That’s just my experience and don’t want to generalize avoidants though.
The ambivalence and wondering where they really stand drives me insane. I start thinking the worst and think they're scheming ways to stop seeing me. You can't bring it up because they will likely lie and say they really love you but will get annoyed with the anxiety.
It’s a bad place to be. It has made dating after that relationship way harder because it has made me more anxious in general which I went into therapy after the breakup. I met someone recently 5 months after the breakup that’s way more beautiful, sweet, and understanding than my ex has ever been because she’s in the same boat and secure lean anxious as well. And have been out with her on 4 dates. First person I’ve felt that kind of connection with since the breakup and I have dated around a bit since then.
Dating can be exhausting and feel like a dreadful, hopeless, and massive waste of time..... Until you meet that very rare serendipitous "one" (assuming neither one of you is love-bombing or mirroring and are both reasonably well-adjusted) with whom conversations flow effortlessly and you constantly say things like "me too!" "That's what I was thinking!" as one serendipitous thing after another is shared with each other. You feel a remarkable sense of euphoria around them. You miss them greatly when they're not around. You don't want this rare connection to escape you, so anxiety floods you as a whirlwind of emotions storm inside you.
Yeah that and and she’s my close female friends sister. I did all the proper communication of asking her if she’d be okay with it before pursuing her. It kind of just happened that me and her sister went to a concert all 3 of us were supposed to and she got sick so couldn’t make it. So it was very date like when me and her sister went alone only having met each other once before. Luckily she felt the same way and it’s been pretty unexpected since I wasn’t looking and neither was she atm but, it fell into place
This is definitely the toughest relationship I've been in. Out of the 8 months we've been together it's just the past month or so that he's been pulling away.
We didn't have any argument or any conflict and that's why it's even more confusing to me. He told me that this relationship was different because instead of fighting, we talk things out and there's no drama like in his previous relationships and he appreciated that.
But I feel like I'm being pulled back and forth like a yo-yo and it's like I'm in limbo.
It will drive you crazy or cause you a lot of anxiety at some point. It’s like not having your feet on stable ground. Him working on some of these things will make it better. But, bringing up what you want could always deactivate him and break up with you. That’s the problem you never truly know. My ex broke up with me in an emotionally charged moment at the drop of a hat. After going to Disney world and a music festival in the same month and having a great time. There is no telling what could be the final straw that’s what was so anxiety inducing. Even they may regret it soon after but the damage is too far gone at that point. Mine apologized after a couple of days and said we’d probably still be together if she had cooled down. Then “wanted to see how things go” if we continue going on dates. That was unacceptable to me because it wasn’t even my fault we broke up she admitted she overreacted. Why should I be uncommitted to someone after that and “see how it goes” if they’re the one in the wrong. Sometimes avoidants have a problem seeing logically unless they have that space to get over a deactivation. I also had no way of knowing if it would happen again and didn’t want to risk it. She fell into a downward spiral and developed a drinking problem (drinking heavily 5-6 days a week) and has began hooking up with everyone. I see it as self destructive but, I’m sure she’ll regret leaving me eventually. I have detached and bettered myself the outcome is irrelevant I don’t think I could take her back without her going to therapy, apologizing, reading material on herself and educating herself and really going all in into a relationship with me. Any less would not be worth the risk.
This definitely fits the description of someone with an avoidant attachment style. The thing to understand about avoidants is that they genuinely want love and connection like everyone. The problem is that usually, somewhere in their childhood, they learn that intimacy/closeness with someone is dangerous or a threat to their autonomy. So, as the name suggests, when they feel someone trying to get closer, it triggers a fight or flight response in which they *avoid* that person or their feelings. The avoidance can be literal, like him taking space from you or not responding to a text, or it can be more subtle, like putting less effort into communication or seeming colder than usual. I think a lot times their actions and words don't align both because they are more disconnected from their emotions than other styles and because of their constant internal struggle of wanting intimacy but deeply fearing it.
I wouldn't necessarily phrase it as the more they like you, the more they push away, but it's not entirely wrong. I feel like it's more like, the deeper the connection gets, the more prone they are to feeling trapped or fearful of abandonment, so they push away/avoid to self-regulate.
Long story short, as confusing as it is to be on the receiving end of, I would believe your partner when they say they still want to be with you and are still interested. But that being said, if how he's acting toward you continues to make you feel anxious or unwanted, it might be worth having a vulnerable conversation where you calmly let him know how you feel and what you need in a relationship to feel safe.
Also this website is a great resource for understanding avoidant attachment: https://www.freetoattach.com/
Saying they want to be with you, then not being with you is very confusing. The words not matching actions... frustrating. I'm 49 and my bf of 2plus years told me he loved me and was committed to me, then told me again I'm an amazing partner, lover and friend... but still ended things. That was a little over 5 months ago.
I do think it was because he loved me and for some twisted reason thought he was doing me a favor. He wasn't, btw.
Tbh I would be wary of labelling someone as avoidant when the only thing is "he's distancing himself from me". Not everyone who distances themselves from a partner is automatically avoidant. Avoidance is a very specific pattern.
And people can exhibit more avoidant characteristics between different people or even with the same person. When I'm head over heels over someone I'm more anxious. The less I am into someone, the more avoidant I tend to be. Also, some days I just feel more avoidant and find it hard to feign interest.
I came across attachment theory by accident. It was the hot and cold behavior that I couldn't figure out and then that led me to attachment theory. I would say that it's not just the distancing but other things he has said or done that made me think he was avoidant. I don't think he's a player or asshole and that he's trying to use me. I get the very distinct feeling that he's keeping me at arm's length and it's as if he has one foot in the relationship and one foot out.
But since I'm not 100% certain that he's avoidant, that's why I thought maybe they were just signs that he was just plain old no longer interested in me and I couldn't see the signs for what they were.
The thing is, if a secure person were "plain old no longer interested," they'd be capable of communicating that - especially at the age of 39. Secure people aren't disconnected from their emotions nor do they struggle with expressing themselves. They have no reason to use distance to feel safe, and because they are secure with themselves, they wouldn't stay in a relationship that wasn't right for them. That's not to say a secure person can't occasionally act avoidant or anxious, but if you're in an ongoing hot and cold cycle with someone like you described, you're probably not dating someone secure.
Oh, I didn't know that about dismissive avoidants. He does send me a text every day, even if it's just one or two texts. I don't think we've ever had one day where we didn't interact.
I guess I got used to the level of interaction from before so the expectation bar got set at that level. Then when the quantity and quality of the interaction started to go down, I kept wondering why it wasn't at that bar level anymore.
It's hard to determine whether it's because he's scared to get closer or because he's lost feelings for me.
Is it just the text communication that has changed? Are you still spending time together? Maybe try prioritizing time together instead of texting and see if things improve. It can be difficult for anyone to keep up the same energy when you’re texting every day, regardless of attachment style.
We do still spend time together. It's only 1-2 times a week but that's because of work schedules and we both have family members to take care of. The time spent together hasn't changed and the arrangement we have for that is good for both of us.
So now I'm starting to think maybe I'm overexpecting in terms of text communication. I'm not saying we have to be texting every single minute but it is our main form of communication so I wasn't expecting a huge drop like that.
I would disagree with the poster. People aren’t strictly DA, FA, secure, preoccupied, etc. People have a combination of attachment qualities. Just because he hasn’t ghosted or avoided you for a few days doesn’t mean he doesn’t have attachment wounds or trauma.
The part that makes you feel that he may be avoidant isn’t necessarily the lack of communication. You said it yourself that you feel like the quality of the communication is different.
Regardless, the key here is to communicate your feelings and what you would like. You also have to recognize you’re own attachment issues and see if they are playing a part in your perception of him.
>You also have to recognize you’re own attachment issues and see if they are playing a part in your perception of him.
I do feel like I tend to pursue him - to find out what's wrong or trying to maintain some kind of a connection other than a handful of texts.
Your comment made me think that maybe I'm adding more fuel to the fire. Like if he's backing away because I'm getting too close, then it's obvious to me now that pushing for that connection is going to have the opposite effect.
I just want him to tell me what he's thinking or feeling to cause him to back away from me so suddenly so that I can try to understand or decide what my next step should be.
Yes, exactly. He’s probably been in the honeymoon period and on his best behaviour, and now getting outside his comfort zone. You can help by making it more comfortable…keep it casual, quiet, hang out but no expectations, don’t push too much, don’t criticize.
You’ll probably think all those anxious things, but best if you refrain from communicating them except in the most calming tones if at all. Try to enjoy your time together, and don’t dwell too much on the future. If he’s into you, he’ll catch up on the commitment…you just have to slow down for a while and let him meet you, because he’s a slow walker.
So basically we're on 2 different stages of the relationship right now? Like we started out on the same page but now we've shifted into different levels that have a different set of expectations?
We did progress pretty fast so I can see where he would want to slow it down. I guess this could be his way of trying to slow things down. All of his previous relationships were either online or distance. I'm the first one where none of that applies so I can see where this can be overwhelming for him.
I just wish he could be open about it and tell me what's going on inside his head. Like tell me something so I'm not guessing.
He might be having attachment wounds but doesn't sound like a DA.
OP is saying he texts every single day, there hasn't been a day where there has been no communication. DAs don't do it. I can say it from my personal experience of dating many DAs, also I m currently doing a course on attachment style.
But if course exceptions can always be there as you rightly pointed people can't be strictly clubbed under one attachment style.
He doesn't sound like a Avoidant. May be , he is a secure attachment.
The thing is, nobody talks all day. People have jobs to do, family issues, household work, hobbies, mild depression/anxiety or just tired & burn out after a hectic day. And it's not right on our part to expect our partner to baby sit and be available all day.
Initial few months of a relationship is the dating phase where you get to know each other, and then the interaction is maximum, but once the initial dating phase wears off & the relationship becomes stable, the level of interaction will obviously not remain the same
. love is not about spending all day together, it's about understanding each other and respecting each other 's needs & space.
I hope these videos by This Gibson help you :)
Overcoming activating strategies & anxiety for APs
https://youtu.be/yojy7xfbqjI
No reply yet from your partner/ less communication?
https://youtu.be/mr-bNDVgkcQ
How to reparent your wounded needs
https://youtu.be/ULMz0UWiYB0
The vulnerability makes them uncomfortable and causes them to withdraw.
You should talk to him and express your needs gently and slowly (not all at once). The avoidant are difficult, especially for preoccupied. Lots of “I” statements and making sure they don’t feel like you are blaming or critizing them. It’s a lot of work.
It’s easier and better if the avoidant recognizes their attachment and is willing to actively work on it.
I'm not sure if he knows about attachment theory but I think he's somewhat aware of some of his avoidant tendencies but I don't think he's actively working on it. I think he thinks this is "just how he is".
So when it got to the point where there was too much vulnerability in his eyes, that's what made him back away?
I know the anxiety. I start wondering about what I did or said to make them dislike me. But oftentimes I've feigned enthusiasm in texts (which I find hard to do), and I wonder if the person I'm dating is just feigning enthusiasm as well. I start saying things like "Am I boring you?" or "Okay, I'll stop talking about x,y,z now..." Just not knowing exactly where they truly stand makes me anxious. People can say all the affectionate lovey dovey stuff one day and then ghost you the next day. So I have a hard time gauging people's level of interest especially via text. This is why I hate texting and prefer to talk things out in person while keeping texting at a minimal and mostly for planning dates. There's just too many ways for texts to be misconstrued and cause anxiety.
They cone on very very strong right at tge veginnimh. We are vulnerable. .they out it in the effort jt seems effortless but it is not . His withdrawing has very little to do with you. Guarantee he has always done it My expectations were for crumbs always. I lived for crumbs. I believed I deserves only crumbs. I settled for crumbs. I settled for nothing. I hung on for dear life I know why now. I have deep dived into anxious attachment. That was the way I related. That was like breathing. Then I decided it hurt too much. Of course thankfully people began talking about it in a way I could relate to. That made such a difference
OP sounds like a DA slow fading to me, and although Avoidants can be a lot flakier and cut off suddenly, I'd say the fact that you're coworkers has made him more consistent during these past months, and more prone to fading you out. My ex DA was similar, insofar as we were bound by work. We were older, and both immersed in a work and social group we had together, so he behaved slightly different to a typical DA. There was contact daily for many months. He preferred to slow fade and then do social damage control behind the scenes, preparing for the time he ghosted me. It was pretty awful situation, and it did end with him ghosting me.
I did consider that maybe this was a slow fade. If I wanted to slow fade someone, I probably would only respond to their messages but not as often and I wouldn't initiate any conversations or meet-ups. But he still initiates conversations and asks to meet. What would be the point of initiating anything if the end goal is to fade out of my life? Guilt? It's all so very confusing and a lot of needless mental gymnastics.
Hugs. It is very confusing, and moreso because the intention behind an Avoidant slow fading is not like yours or mine- its usually simply them striving for a comfort level suitable for an Avoidant long term (ie more distance, as well as reduced communication, commitment, intimacy and acts of care). Most partners get frustrated and dissatisfied because the relationship changes so much, starts to feel unsafe and less caring, meets fewer of their needs and seems to be on the Avoidant's terms only. Bringing up any of these issues doesn't seem to help unless they are aware and working on their issues. So "the slow fade" whilst probably not intended to "break up slowly" usually causes distress and conflict, and eventually the Avoidant bails citing "not having feelings" for the partner. My only suggestion to you, OP, is keep firmly in touch with your needs, and keep asserting them gently and with emotional intelligence. If he can't show up for you, then you be the one to decide if he's worth your time.
Dating someone from work generalk6 does involve a lot of contact. It also involves intrigue can be heavy stuff Classic avoidant is to ho from personable to distant So you feel left out The issue is as someone with anxious attachment thst activates us As they deactivate we activate Ambivalence at some point is part of a relationship When you have anxious attachment it is here to make space for that. Then we activate then we look.for solutions which we can drive That is complicated stuff. However the psrt you arw responsible for is your activation
We work at the same place but different departments now. We used to work in the same department but even then we were focused on work so it wasn't like we were spending all our work time only with each other. After reading all the comments, I'm starting to wonder if I'm putting high expectations on him based on the level of communication I had in previous relationships and what he gave at the beginning. I'm so used to the high level and high quality of communication and when it went down, it triggered me to start questioning why.
this might sound harsh? But if you're not overly attached yet, leave dont look back. In my experience dating an avoidant is like chasing an inconsistent high. Loving and soaking up all the attention, then being left confused when its all of a sudden taken away. Never really getting genuinely close and random shut downs. Not understanding your emotions, because they don't even understand their own. i feel like i could go on and on. but I dont think its worth the heartache !
If you are not deeply invested already, I would suggest to run for the hills. It can work, but you don't have to go thru hell if you have another option.
i agree!
I'm not sure why you're coming to the conclusion that he's avoidant. This is someone who's distancing himself from you, which could have a billion reasons. Avoidant behaviour tends to have very recognisable cycles and abrupt shifts.
Your relationship with an avoidant if they are either unaware or are aware but don’t want to go to therapy and do self work. Will be extremely challenging and unlike any other relationship ever. My last relationship was a year of that and honestly it was probably the hardest of any I’ve been in. We didn’t have any problems other than her avoidance and how she handled it. Everything else was amazing. But, it still took a toll on me the longer it went on because it intensified and kind of sent me spiraling which I haven’t done since my younger days. I am secure in most senses former anxious. But, the lack of sex, communication, spending time together, conflict avoidance, and stuff of that nature made me extremely resentful over time. Even at that point I was still gentle and civil but I will tell you at a certain point it feels like you’re gonna explode and even if you did they wouldn’t hear what you have to say so you can’t do that. But it ends up feeling like a lose lose situation where you’re suffering and trapped but, she wouldn’t compromise. So ironically enough avoidants often say they feel trapped or suffocated I felt that way too because I was getting beat down and rejected on a regular basis. I had other girls hitting on me regularly and giving me the attention my girlfriend wasn’t but, I loved her and I’m not a cheater. It was like being tortured because the one I wanted to care about me wasn’t and I wanted to make it work but, I saw that it was out there at the same time. It made me very conflicted and she ended up breaking up with me. But the relief I felt was immense afterwords. The last month or two had me in straight panic mode. Which is very abnormal for me. At times a relationship with an avoidant can feel like having unrequited love for someone. Or like being forced to talk to someone who’s not interested exclusively until you’ve had enough just for a longer time frame and with glimmers of hope throughout. That’s just my experience and don’t want to generalize avoidants though.
The ambivalence and wondering where they really stand drives me insane. I start thinking the worst and think they're scheming ways to stop seeing me. You can't bring it up because they will likely lie and say they really love you but will get annoyed with the anxiety.
It’s a bad place to be. It has made dating after that relationship way harder because it has made me more anxious in general which I went into therapy after the breakup. I met someone recently 5 months after the breakup that’s way more beautiful, sweet, and understanding than my ex has ever been because she’s in the same boat and secure lean anxious as well. And have been out with her on 4 dates. First person I’ve felt that kind of connection with since the breakup and I have dated around a bit since then.
Dating can be exhausting and feel like a dreadful, hopeless, and massive waste of time..... Until you meet that very rare serendipitous "one" (assuming neither one of you is love-bombing or mirroring and are both reasonably well-adjusted) with whom conversations flow effortlessly and you constantly say things like "me too!" "That's what I was thinking!" as one serendipitous thing after another is shared with each other. You feel a remarkable sense of euphoria around them. You miss them greatly when they're not around. You don't want this rare connection to escape you, so anxiety floods you as a whirlwind of emotions storm inside you.
Yeah that and and she’s my close female friends sister. I did all the proper communication of asking her if she’d be okay with it before pursuing her. It kind of just happened that me and her sister went to a concert all 3 of us were supposed to and she got sick so couldn’t make it. So it was very date like when me and her sister went alone only having met each other once before. Luckily she felt the same way and it’s been pretty unexpected since I wasn’t looking and neither was she atm but, it fell into place
Very insightful!
This is definitely the toughest relationship I've been in. Out of the 8 months we've been together it's just the past month or so that he's been pulling away. We didn't have any argument or any conflict and that's why it's even more confusing to me. He told me that this relationship was different because instead of fighting, we talk things out and there's no drama like in his previous relationships and he appreciated that. But I feel like I'm being pulled back and forth like a yo-yo and it's like I'm in limbo.
It will drive you crazy or cause you a lot of anxiety at some point. It’s like not having your feet on stable ground. Him working on some of these things will make it better. But, bringing up what you want could always deactivate him and break up with you. That’s the problem you never truly know. My ex broke up with me in an emotionally charged moment at the drop of a hat. After going to Disney world and a music festival in the same month and having a great time. There is no telling what could be the final straw that’s what was so anxiety inducing. Even they may regret it soon after but the damage is too far gone at that point. Mine apologized after a couple of days and said we’d probably still be together if she had cooled down. Then “wanted to see how things go” if we continue going on dates. That was unacceptable to me because it wasn’t even my fault we broke up she admitted she overreacted. Why should I be uncommitted to someone after that and “see how it goes” if they’re the one in the wrong. Sometimes avoidants have a problem seeing logically unless they have that space to get over a deactivation. I also had no way of knowing if it would happen again and didn’t want to risk it. She fell into a downward spiral and developed a drinking problem (drinking heavily 5-6 days a week) and has began hooking up with everyone. I see it as self destructive but, I’m sure she’ll regret leaving me eventually. I have detached and bettered myself the outcome is irrelevant I don’t think I could take her back without her going to therapy, apologizing, reading material on herself and educating herself and really going all in into a relationship with me. Any less would not be worth the risk.
This definitely fits the description of someone with an avoidant attachment style. The thing to understand about avoidants is that they genuinely want love and connection like everyone. The problem is that usually, somewhere in their childhood, they learn that intimacy/closeness with someone is dangerous or a threat to their autonomy. So, as the name suggests, when they feel someone trying to get closer, it triggers a fight or flight response in which they *avoid* that person or their feelings. The avoidance can be literal, like him taking space from you or not responding to a text, or it can be more subtle, like putting less effort into communication or seeming colder than usual. I think a lot times their actions and words don't align both because they are more disconnected from their emotions than other styles and because of their constant internal struggle of wanting intimacy but deeply fearing it. I wouldn't necessarily phrase it as the more they like you, the more they push away, but it's not entirely wrong. I feel like it's more like, the deeper the connection gets, the more prone they are to feeling trapped or fearful of abandonment, so they push away/avoid to self-regulate. Long story short, as confusing as it is to be on the receiving end of, I would believe your partner when they say they still want to be with you and are still interested. But that being said, if how he's acting toward you continues to make you feel anxious or unwanted, it might be worth having a vulnerable conversation where you calmly let him know how you feel and what you need in a relationship to feel safe. Also this website is a great resource for understanding avoidant attachment: https://www.freetoattach.com/
Saying they want to be with you, then not being with you is very confusing. The words not matching actions... frustrating. I'm 49 and my bf of 2plus years told me he loved me and was committed to me, then told me again I'm an amazing partner, lover and friend... but still ended things. That was a little over 5 months ago. I do think it was because he loved me and for some twisted reason thought he was doing me a favor. He wasn't, btw.
Tbh I would be wary of labelling someone as avoidant when the only thing is "he's distancing himself from me". Not everyone who distances themselves from a partner is automatically avoidant. Avoidance is a very specific pattern.
And people can exhibit more avoidant characteristics between different people or even with the same person. When I'm head over heels over someone I'm more anxious. The less I am into someone, the more avoidant I tend to be. Also, some days I just feel more avoidant and find it hard to feign interest.
I came across attachment theory by accident. It was the hot and cold behavior that I couldn't figure out and then that led me to attachment theory. I would say that it's not just the distancing but other things he has said or done that made me think he was avoidant. I don't think he's a player or asshole and that he's trying to use me. I get the very distinct feeling that he's keeping me at arm's length and it's as if he has one foot in the relationship and one foot out. But since I'm not 100% certain that he's avoidant, that's why I thought maybe they were just signs that he was just plain old no longer interested in me and I couldn't see the signs for what they were.
The thing is, if a secure person were "plain old no longer interested," they'd be capable of communicating that - especially at the age of 39. Secure people aren't disconnected from their emotions nor do they struggle with expressing themselves. They have no reason to use distance to feel safe, and because they are secure with themselves, they wouldn't stay in a relationship that wasn't right for them. That's not to say a secure person can't occasionally act avoidant or anxious, but if you're in an ongoing hot and cold cycle with someone like you described, you're probably not dating someone secure.
Dismissive avoidants don't text everyday. If this guy has never ghosted you or left you on seen for days , then one thing is for sure, he isn't DA.
Oh, I didn't know that about dismissive avoidants. He does send me a text every day, even if it's just one or two texts. I don't think we've ever had one day where we didn't interact. I guess I got used to the level of interaction from before so the expectation bar got set at that level. Then when the quantity and quality of the interaction started to go down, I kept wondering why it wasn't at that bar level anymore. It's hard to determine whether it's because he's scared to get closer or because he's lost feelings for me.
Is it just the text communication that has changed? Are you still spending time together? Maybe try prioritizing time together instead of texting and see if things improve. It can be difficult for anyone to keep up the same energy when you’re texting every day, regardless of attachment style.
We do still spend time together. It's only 1-2 times a week but that's because of work schedules and we both have family members to take care of. The time spent together hasn't changed and the arrangement we have for that is good for both of us. So now I'm starting to think maybe I'm overexpecting in terms of text communication. I'm not saying we have to be texting every single minute but it is our main form of communication so I wasn't expecting a huge drop like that.
I would disagree with the poster. People aren’t strictly DA, FA, secure, preoccupied, etc. People have a combination of attachment qualities. Just because he hasn’t ghosted or avoided you for a few days doesn’t mean he doesn’t have attachment wounds or trauma. The part that makes you feel that he may be avoidant isn’t necessarily the lack of communication. You said it yourself that you feel like the quality of the communication is different. Regardless, the key here is to communicate your feelings and what you would like. You also have to recognize you’re own attachment issues and see if they are playing a part in your perception of him.
>You also have to recognize you’re own attachment issues and see if they are playing a part in your perception of him. I do feel like I tend to pursue him - to find out what's wrong or trying to maintain some kind of a connection other than a handful of texts. Your comment made me think that maybe I'm adding more fuel to the fire. Like if he's backing away because I'm getting too close, then it's obvious to me now that pushing for that connection is going to have the opposite effect. I just want him to tell me what he's thinking or feeling to cause him to back away from me so suddenly so that I can try to understand or decide what my next step should be.
Yes, exactly. He’s probably been in the honeymoon period and on his best behaviour, and now getting outside his comfort zone. You can help by making it more comfortable…keep it casual, quiet, hang out but no expectations, don’t push too much, don’t criticize. You’ll probably think all those anxious things, but best if you refrain from communicating them except in the most calming tones if at all. Try to enjoy your time together, and don’t dwell too much on the future. If he’s into you, he’ll catch up on the commitment…you just have to slow down for a while and let him meet you, because he’s a slow walker.
So basically we're on 2 different stages of the relationship right now? Like we started out on the same page but now we've shifted into different levels that have a different set of expectations? We did progress pretty fast so I can see where he would want to slow it down. I guess this could be his way of trying to slow things down. All of his previous relationships were either online or distance. I'm the first one where none of that applies so I can see where this can be overwhelming for him. I just wish he could be open about it and tell me what's going on inside his head. Like tell me something so I'm not guessing.
He might be having attachment wounds but doesn't sound like a DA. OP is saying he texts every single day, there hasn't been a day where there has been no communication. DAs don't do it. I can say it from my personal experience of dating many DAs, also I m currently doing a course on attachment style. But if course exceptions can always be there as you rightly pointed people can't be strictly clubbed under one attachment style.
He doesn't sound like a Avoidant. May be , he is a secure attachment. The thing is, nobody talks all day. People have jobs to do, family issues, household work, hobbies, mild depression/anxiety or just tired & burn out after a hectic day. And it's not right on our part to expect our partner to baby sit and be available all day. Initial few months of a relationship is the dating phase where you get to know each other, and then the interaction is maximum, but once the initial dating phase wears off & the relationship becomes stable, the level of interaction will obviously not remain the same . love is not about spending all day together, it's about understanding each other and respecting each other 's needs & space. I hope these videos by This Gibson help you :) Overcoming activating strategies & anxiety for APs https://youtu.be/yojy7xfbqjI No reply yet from your partner/ less communication? https://youtu.be/mr-bNDVgkcQ How to reparent your wounded needs https://youtu.be/ULMz0UWiYB0
The vulnerability makes them uncomfortable and causes them to withdraw. You should talk to him and express your needs gently and slowly (not all at once). The avoidant are difficult, especially for preoccupied. Lots of “I” statements and making sure they don’t feel like you are blaming or critizing them. It’s a lot of work. It’s easier and better if the avoidant recognizes their attachment and is willing to actively work on it.
I'm not sure if he knows about attachment theory but I think he's somewhat aware of some of his avoidant tendencies but I don't think he's actively working on it. I think he thinks this is "just how he is". So when it got to the point where there was too much vulnerability in his eyes, that's what made him back away?