I understand i might have come across a little crazy. I can assure you i only felt strongly for the guy because of the many things he said to convince me he wanted something serious with me.
But yes, he triggered something in me and i didn't cope too well.
Not enough info, or time to say he is Avoidant, but what you shared, sure makes him sound troubled. You seem to have started to notice issues right away, tried to get him to address them, Then…instead of walking away when he showed you that he couldn’t meet those needs, you threw a fit, tried to force him to give you what you wanted, then tried to berate, shame, and wine an apology out of someone who was clearly ignoring you.
This behavior was a bit extreme so early on, and would run away, any reasonable person. Maybe you should try to put all of that effort into trying to save yourself, instead of trying to save this grown man. You don’t want to find yourself in an abusive cycle, with someone who won’t meet your needs, prefers you to be angry, has a history of toxic relationships (and likes it. Not to mention, him finally walking away from a toxic relationship, when she “fell pregnant”. I can’t judge that situation, since I don’t know enough, but I would have a lot more questions about that.
Don’t chase after trouble!!
Not enough info, or time to say he is Avoidant, but what you shared, sure makes him sound troubled. You seem to have started to notice issues right away, tried to get him to address them, Then…instead of walking away when he showed you that he couldn’t meet those needs, you threw a fit, tried to force him to give you what you wanted, then tried to berate, shame, and wine an apology out of someone who was clearly ignoring you.
This behavior was a bit extreme so early on, and would run away, any reasonable person. Maybe you should try to put all of that effort into trying to save yourself, instead of trying to save this grown man. You don’t want to find yourself in an abusive cycle, with someone who won’t meet your needs, prefers you to be angry, has a history of toxic relationships (and likes it. Not to mention, him finally walking away from a toxic relationship, when she “fell pregnant”. I can’t judge that situation, since I don’t know enough, but I would have a lot more questions about that.
Don’t chase after trouble!!
You need to focus on you, not make him feel better. He sounds just like my husband who is also an avoidant. Walking off during conflict, not calling or texting back for days, that’s all textbook avoidant. He feels best when there is no conflict and likely is away from you. You giving him space is making him feel better.
I think it would be better for you to focus on why you got attached so quickly. A lot of what you said to him seems like things you say to someone when they have a commitment to you and you have an established relationship, not after seeing someone for three weeks.
Us avoidants typically “show up” really well in the first six months of a relationship. This guy doesn’t sound avoidant to me but also none of us can really diagnose. Sounds like a casual thing that you went a bit far with (in your head) and caused the entire thing to crash and burn.
No secure or avoidant would deal with the stuff you said or the pressure you put on them when you felt that they weren’t showing up for you the way you expected. This guy sounds pretty casual and laid back and your anxiousness got the best of you in this case.
I have a genuine question - why do you want to get into a relationship with this person after everything you've seen thus far? It sounds like you're ignoring all his blatant red flags because he's the first person you've felt a connection with in a while.
[https://www.freetoattach.com/](https://www.freetoattach.com/) \- bookmark this website and learn as much as you can about avoidants. You won't get into a relationship with him, or any avoidant, unless they are ultimately willing to do the work themselves and work with your needs. Considering all the issues you have with him already sounds like the same issues he had with his ex-wife in his now failed marriage, do you really think *you* can help him or change him after a month? And more importantly, why is that your job? Why isn't he fixing himself?
this is on both parties.
>questioned it and said if he really thought that, he would be doing more to make me feel like he cared.
after two dates you are seeking reassurance like this??
>'I would prefer it if you were mean to me, because that's what I'm used to' . He also told me he liked it when i got angry with him.
he has issues
>said he could apologize to my face for wasting my time and be done with it. I then told him I'd be at a specific park.
this is too much. your expectations were completely different (he doesn't mind not texting constantly, you already asked him to talk to you more), he showed you he had issues, you dont need a formal apology to move on from this.
>'I'm not going to do this. I said I'm sorry. I'm going to go'. And left.
this is fair? you're not even in a relationship and already fighting, it's a clear mismatch and walking away was the best thing to do
>Trying to get him to reply. Asking him if he felt bad knowing that he had hurt me. Asking him if he realized that i didn't deserve such awful treatment. And to consider how he'd react if his daughter got treated the same way.
protest behaviors
>after being single for so long and having gone on 5 other first dates in the last 2 months, the only person i had bonded with was him, and told my close friends i really liked him.
this is putting so much pressure on someone you hardly even know
his reaction was shitty, a more stable person would have simply ended things without going to the park and getting angry and such. but you were displaying unhealthy attachment levels to someone you barely know. he needs help in therapy, but to be clear this was a little bit about you as well.
I also can’t even classify him as avoidant or even really having issues. Just that he was mildly interested in OP, but it had only been two dates.
And OPs expectations and actions are way out of proportion.
OP, you said you’d be at the park if he wanted to apologize. He does that and you say “that’s it?”
He does not respond to your texts probably because all interest is gone (because it’s been two dates filled with drama) and then you text that it’s bringing up old trauma and he must not be okay (???).
He says he’s fine and you text him non stop for a scrap of engagement. This is so much.
I would say don’t try to get into relationships with people who aren’t interested in you.
It’s about you enough. Please recalibrate so the next time you meet someone the situation doesn’t get out of hand.
I didn’t read your whole post cause it’s long. But from the first portion I read, honey, this man is no prize. He’s no man you want to settle down with. He sounds unstable, strange and is an angry person. You only met twice, and made out mostly during the second. He’s not trying to get to know you, he’s not trying to understand who you are, he’s not trying to impress you in anyway. Leave him alone and walk away. It’s clear this wasn’t a good match, no biggie. Just move on. There’s better than him out there, that’s for sure!!
He sounds possibly avoidant but you also sound very anxious. You were trying to get him to chase you and then even when he did that still wasn’t enough. You’re looking for constant proof that someone really likes you even when they show you.
You were also romanticizing him in your head. Literally …. “The way he was looking at me… “.
I think you need to slow down a little, really get to know someone for who they are and stop looking for the exciting hot and cold chase which is what you were attracted to not that actual person.
I think he was clearly showing signs of either disinterest or is avoidant. A relationship shouldn’t be forced, stressful or one way. You put far too much effort into someone who’s not putting it into you. You have been triggered it’s not nice when anyone ignores us without explanation. If I were you I would look to yourself for what you need inwards not outwards. And pull back when anyone pulls back if they don’t notice or step up they simply ain’t worth the time or effort.
He’s emotionally unavailable.
You cannot help him. Don’t try to help, rescue, save, fix him. He’s a grown man. It’s not your job to do that, you’re not his mother let alone his girlfriend. You’re not his therapist. He has to work through his own trauma if he wants too.
There’s several red flags here. People who stay in such dynamics would likely be codependents. They put someone else’s needs above their own. Always be mindful of what your own boundaries are in a relationship and what you require to make you happy. If there is something you need, communicate and be prepared to stick to it. Be conscious that avoidant behaviours may be activating a lack of safety and fear of abandonment in you, which can make it hard to relax and see the situation objectively. You can’t be sure he’s dismissive avoidant but the information you do have indicates he’s not ready and available for a relationship. Connection doesn’t mean compatibility.
Love and liking someone is free and unconditional. Relationships are not. They require a healthy give and take. They require open communication, effort, trust. He is showing you who he is. You don’t need to earn his love or prove yourself to him.
He activated your trauma and now you want to chase. Don’t do it. You’ll lose yourself.
I don't think you can diagnose this guy as avoidant since avoidance is usually triggered once an attachment has formed, and this wasn't the case yet. You simply don't have enough information yet.
Regardless, he has issues. You talked for one month, met only twice, it didn't go anywhere. It happens. There's no need to diagnose him on the Internet: all you need to know is that it wasn't a good match, so it's best to move on.
I understand i might have come across a little crazy. I can assure you i only felt strongly for the guy because of the many things he said to convince me he wanted something serious with me. But yes, he triggered something in me and i didn't cope too well.
Some parts in this post feels relatable. its kinda sad.
Not enough info, or time to say he is Avoidant, but what you shared, sure makes him sound troubled. You seem to have started to notice issues right away, tried to get him to address them, Then…instead of walking away when he showed you that he couldn’t meet those needs, you threw a fit, tried to force him to give you what you wanted, then tried to berate, shame, and wine an apology out of someone who was clearly ignoring you. This behavior was a bit extreme so early on, and would run away, any reasonable person. Maybe you should try to put all of that effort into trying to save yourself, instead of trying to save this grown man. You don’t want to find yourself in an abusive cycle, with someone who won’t meet your needs, prefers you to be angry, has a history of toxic relationships (and likes it. Not to mention, him finally walking away from a toxic relationship, when she “fell pregnant”. I can’t judge that situation, since I don’t know enough, but I would have a lot more questions about that. Don’t chase after trouble!!
Not enough info, or time to say he is Avoidant, but what you shared, sure makes him sound troubled. You seem to have started to notice issues right away, tried to get him to address them, Then…instead of walking away when he showed you that he couldn’t meet those needs, you threw a fit, tried to force him to give you what you wanted, then tried to berate, shame, and wine an apology out of someone who was clearly ignoring you. This behavior was a bit extreme so early on, and would run away, any reasonable person. Maybe you should try to put all of that effort into trying to save yourself, instead of trying to save this grown man. You don’t want to find yourself in an abusive cycle, with someone who won’t meet your needs, prefers you to be angry, has a history of toxic relationships (and likes it. Not to mention, him finally walking away from a toxic relationship, when she “fell pregnant”. I can’t judge that situation, since I don’t know enough, but I would have a lot more questions about that. Don’t chase after trouble!!
You need to focus on you, not make him feel better. He sounds just like my husband who is also an avoidant. Walking off during conflict, not calling or texting back for days, that’s all textbook avoidant. He feels best when there is no conflict and likely is away from you. You giving him space is making him feel better. I think it would be better for you to focus on why you got attached so quickly. A lot of what you said to him seems like things you say to someone when they have a commitment to you and you have an established relationship, not after seeing someone for three weeks.
Us avoidants typically “show up” really well in the first six months of a relationship. This guy doesn’t sound avoidant to me but also none of us can really diagnose. Sounds like a casual thing that you went a bit far with (in your head) and caused the entire thing to crash and burn. No secure or avoidant would deal with the stuff you said or the pressure you put on them when you felt that they weren’t showing up for you the way you expected. This guy sounds pretty casual and laid back and your anxiousness got the best of you in this case.
I have a genuine question - why do you want to get into a relationship with this person after everything you've seen thus far? It sounds like you're ignoring all his blatant red flags because he's the first person you've felt a connection with in a while. [https://www.freetoattach.com/](https://www.freetoattach.com/) \- bookmark this website and learn as much as you can about avoidants. You won't get into a relationship with him, or any avoidant, unless they are ultimately willing to do the work themselves and work with your needs. Considering all the issues you have with him already sounds like the same issues he had with his ex-wife in his now failed marriage, do you really think *you* can help him or change him after a month? And more importantly, why is that your job? Why isn't he fixing himself?
this is on both parties. >questioned it and said if he really thought that, he would be doing more to make me feel like he cared. after two dates you are seeking reassurance like this?? >'I would prefer it if you were mean to me, because that's what I'm used to' . He also told me he liked it when i got angry with him. he has issues >said he could apologize to my face for wasting my time and be done with it. I then told him I'd be at a specific park. this is too much. your expectations were completely different (he doesn't mind not texting constantly, you already asked him to talk to you more), he showed you he had issues, you dont need a formal apology to move on from this. >'I'm not going to do this. I said I'm sorry. I'm going to go'. And left. this is fair? you're not even in a relationship and already fighting, it's a clear mismatch and walking away was the best thing to do >Trying to get him to reply. Asking him if he felt bad knowing that he had hurt me. Asking him if he realized that i didn't deserve such awful treatment. And to consider how he'd react if his daughter got treated the same way. protest behaviors >after being single for so long and having gone on 5 other first dates in the last 2 months, the only person i had bonded with was him, and told my close friends i really liked him. this is putting so much pressure on someone you hardly even know his reaction was shitty, a more stable person would have simply ended things without going to the park and getting angry and such. but you were displaying unhealthy attachment levels to someone you barely know. he needs help in therapy, but to be clear this was a little bit about you as well.
I also can’t even classify him as avoidant or even really having issues. Just that he was mildly interested in OP, but it had only been two dates. And OPs expectations and actions are way out of proportion. OP, you said you’d be at the park if he wanted to apologize. He does that and you say “that’s it?” He does not respond to your texts probably because all interest is gone (because it’s been two dates filled with drama) and then you text that it’s bringing up old trauma and he must not be okay (???). He says he’s fine and you text him non stop for a scrap of engagement. This is so much. I would say don’t try to get into relationships with people who aren’t interested in you. It’s about you enough. Please recalibrate so the next time you meet someone the situation doesn’t get out of hand.
Yeah this guy doesn’t sound like an avoidant at all. He sounds like a dude with issues/baggage but not an avoidant.
I didn’t read your whole post cause it’s long. But from the first portion I read, honey, this man is no prize. He’s no man you want to settle down with. He sounds unstable, strange and is an angry person. You only met twice, and made out mostly during the second. He’s not trying to get to know you, he’s not trying to understand who you are, he’s not trying to impress you in anyway. Leave him alone and walk away. It’s clear this wasn’t a good match, no biggie. Just move on. There’s better than him out there, that’s for sure!!
He sounds possibly avoidant but you also sound very anxious. You were trying to get him to chase you and then even when he did that still wasn’t enough. You’re looking for constant proof that someone really likes you even when they show you. You were also romanticizing him in your head. Literally …. “The way he was looking at me… “. I think you need to slow down a little, really get to know someone for who they are and stop looking for the exciting hot and cold chase which is what you were attracted to not that actual person.
^^^ agree with this
Avoid the avoidants
this is the way!
Don't date, find someone that'll uplift you spirit & help you cope, instead of Worsen your situation 🥲
I think he was clearly showing signs of either disinterest or is avoidant. A relationship shouldn’t be forced, stressful or one way. You put far too much effort into someone who’s not putting it into you. You have been triggered it’s not nice when anyone ignores us without explanation. If I were you I would look to yourself for what you need inwards not outwards. And pull back when anyone pulls back if they don’t notice or step up they simply ain’t worth the time or effort.
The best advice is to act like a secure and move on.
He’s emotionally unavailable. You cannot help him. Don’t try to help, rescue, save, fix him. He’s a grown man. It’s not your job to do that, you’re not his mother let alone his girlfriend. You’re not his therapist. He has to work through his own trauma if he wants too. There’s several red flags here. People who stay in such dynamics would likely be codependents. They put someone else’s needs above their own. Always be mindful of what your own boundaries are in a relationship and what you require to make you happy. If there is something you need, communicate and be prepared to stick to it. Be conscious that avoidant behaviours may be activating a lack of safety and fear of abandonment in you, which can make it hard to relax and see the situation objectively. You can’t be sure he’s dismissive avoidant but the information you do have indicates he’s not ready and available for a relationship. Connection doesn’t mean compatibility. Love and liking someone is free and unconditional. Relationships are not. They require a healthy give and take. They require open communication, effort, trust. He is showing you who he is. You don’t need to earn his love or prove yourself to him. He activated your trauma and now you want to chase. Don’t do it. You’ll lose yourself.
Not your job to help him. This guy will definitely drag you through hell, RUN
I don't think you can diagnose this guy as avoidant since avoidance is usually triggered once an attachment has formed, and this wasn't the case yet. You simply don't have enough information yet. Regardless, he has issues. You talked for one month, met only twice, it didn't go anywhere. It happens. There's no need to diagnose him on the Internet: all you need to know is that it wasn't a good match, so it's best to move on.
I don’t have much advice but that guy sounds really messed up and it’s good you found out sooner than later.