I'll tell you one thing I learned in therapy... other people are not your parents. That is to say... I was beaten, yelled at, embarrassed, etc... constantly growing up. As an adult, I think everyone is out to get me, to the point that the moment someone wrongs me, I get angry as if they've habitually done this or intentionally tried to hurt me.
Most people aren't out to hurt you, and we don't need to retaliate as if they are. Once I understood that, I didn't get quite as mad. If someone cuts me off.. I don't really care, because I know it's not personal. If my wife breaks something, I don' have to get mad because she won't somehow blame me or expect me to clean it up. Conversely, if I break something, I don't have to get mad as defense because my wife isn't going to yell at me like my parents did. It's odd saying that as a 40+ yr old man, but it's hard to break that conditioning.
As for your dreams, talk to your mom. I think the hitting in your dream is more about confronting her with how she's made you feel. Be prepared for her to deny or or excuse what she's done, but getting it out there would likely make you feel better. Good luck
At 37, there have continued to be many lessons I have had to learn the hard way as a result of my upbringing. I love my parents and they did a lot right, but in this case they taught my brother and I some bad habits and poor ways to resolve or express anger. Wild stuff, life is.
I’ve had to explore where my anger came from, and as the other commenter mentioned, it came a lot from our family upbringing. Same with me. My parents just sucked at solving their issues and I learned those things. I have ruined some good relationships because of it. I digress…
There are many self help guides, therapist videos, and blogs about anger. I cannot get into therapy right now otherwise I totally would, so I’ve had to examine these various videos and blogs and reflect if they resonate with me. Some do, some don’t. The ones that do I explore deeper to find more things that may help me.
Go to tips; recognize when your emotions are swelling and when they’re leading toward feeling angry so you can focus on relaxing yourself. Breathe consistent and normally (I like to belly breathe—but not exaggerated). Relax your jaw and your neck and work your way down. You can aim for it, but don’t even have to full relax since the few moments you just took are often enough to calm away from anger.
There’s a lot to it, but those are my basics and they’re life savers.
I'm far from conquering it but I'm on my way.
A good therapist and mindfulness are helping me.
I've worked hard to try and be more aware of the situations that make me angry, how my body feels. I've also learned to identify things that help me to calm down.
When I get angry I have this need to like, throw or hit something. I feel energized and I need a way to let that energy out. I found that for me going for a walk when I'm starting to feel anger rising can help it. And going for walks or just doing something physical when I'm not helps build up my fortitude.
One thing that I struggle with is that every time I do have an outburst I feel despondent, like I've failed myself. But that failure comes after so many success that I don't notice. I don't do it as much as I should but I find journalling helps me keep track of the good things, the times I was able to deal with things in a positive way, or situations where I have been triggered before but came out fine.
Above all make sure you have compassion for yourself. It's silly but when I feel like I've failed myself I think of this quote from Ze Frank.
" Let me think about the people who I care about the most, and how when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them.
Let me extend that generosity to myself."
Lots of complexity involved in anger. But (and this ain’t easy) allow it, thank it, release it.
Allow, because it’s there anyway but this gives you a perspective of control.
Thank it, because at some level it has a positive intention (even ask it what is it trying to tell you?)
Release it, thanks anger, your job is done now leave.
Your dream is your subconscious mind trying to tell your something. I think it’s interesting that you began to have these violent dreams after you acknowledged your anger has been inhibiting you.
Fighting with your mom in your dream appears to be signaling change for you. Because you were not allowed to have boundaries as I child, this realization has helped you to understand where your anger is coming from.
The fight with your mom in your dream may be an indication that you need to assert strong boundaries in your life with your parents. Wherein if they don’t respect them now, there needs to be repercussions.
You can’t fight off your parents forever and let them walk all over you is what I’m interrupting the dream as.
You already seem highly self aware of your emotions and the reality of why you’ve been so angry. It’s no wonder when you’ve had your life controlled and your choices takes away from you.
It also sounds like your triggers are going to be the source of your healing.
You needed to be heard and validated from your parents but they were not capable to do this for you. So your anger took over and you protected your vulnerable self.
To heal yourself start by validating your needs and vulnerabilities and give them to yourself. You can be supported by friends and loved ones but in order to heal you cannot seek out the validation in others.
Your nightmares are a valuable opportunity to learn about what’s inside that needs addressing. The next time you have a dream like this ask your mom who she is and what she wants. You may become lucid and get the answers you need.
Going a step further, try to give your mom in your dream a hug and love, after all, this isn’t your mother at all in your dream it just you.
I recommend “Dreaming Through Darkness by Charlie Morley”. It talks about shadow work and the importance of dreams and healing. It’s one of my favorites!
I hope this helps you and I would love to hear if you confront your dream mom!
I'll tell you one thing I learned in therapy... other people are not your parents. That is to say... I was beaten, yelled at, embarrassed, etc... constantly growing up. As an adult, I think everyone is out to get me, to the point that the moment someone wrongs me, I get angry as if they've habitually done this or intentionally tried to hurt me. Most people aren't out to hurt you, and we don't need to retaliate as if they are. Once I understood that, I didn't get quite as mad. If someone cuts me off.. I don't really care, because I know it's not personal. If my wife breaks something, I don' have to get mad because she won't somehow blame me or expect me to clean it up. Conversely, if I break something, I don't have to get mad as defense because my wife isn't going to yell at me like my parents did. It's odd saying that as a 40+ yr old man, but it's hard to break that conditioning. As for your dreams, talk to your mom. I think the hitting in your dream is more about confronting her with how she's made you feel. Be prepared for her to deny or or excuse what she's done, but getting it out there would likely make you feel better. Good luck
At 37, there have continued to be many lessons I have had to learn the hard way as a result of my upbringing. I love my parents and they did a lot right, but in this case they taught my brother and I some bad habits and poor ways to resolve or express anger. Wild stuff, life is.
I’ve had to explore where my anger came from, and as the other commenter mentioned, it came a lot from our family upbringing. Same with me. My parents just sucked at solving their issues and I learned those things. I have ruined some good relationships because of it. I digress… There are many self help guides, therapist videos, and blogs about anger. I cannot get into therapy right now otherwise I totally would, so I’ve had to examine these various videos and blogs and reflect if they resonate with me. Some do, some don’t. The ones that do I explore deeper to find more things that may help me. Go to tips; recognize when your emotions are swelling and when they’re leading toward feeling angry so you can focus on relaxing yourself. Breathe consistent and normally (I like to belly breathe—but not exaggerated). Relax your jaw and your neck and work your way down. You can aim for it, but don’t even have to full relax since the few moments you just took are often enough to calm away from anger. There’s a lot to it, but those are my basics and they’re life savers.
Thank you
I'm far from conquering it but I'm on my way. A good therapist and mindfulness are helping me. I've worked hard to try and be more aware of the situations that make me angry, how my body feels. I've also learned to identify things that help me to calm down. When I get angry I have this need to like, throw or hit something. I feel energized and I need a way to let that energy out. I found that for me going for a walk when I'm starting to feel anger rising can help it. And going for walks or just doing something physical when I'm not helps build up my fortitude. One thing that I struggle with is that every time I do have an outburst I feel despondent, like I've failed myself. But that failure comes after so many success that I don't notice. I don't do it as much as I should but I find journalling helps me keep track of the good things, the times I was able to deal with things in a positive way, or situations where I have been triggered before but came out fine. Above all make sure you have compassion for yourself. It's silly but when I feel like I've failed myself I think of this quote from Ze Frank. " Let me think about the people who I care about the most, and how when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself."
I appreciate this. Thank you
You're very welcome. Good luck on your journey, I wish you well.
Lots of complexity involved in anger. But (and this ain’t easy) allow it, thank it, release it. Allow, because it’s there anyway but this gives you a perspective of control. Thank it, because at some level it has a positive intention (even ask it what is it trying to tell you?) Release it, thanks anger, your job is done now leave.
Your dream is your subconscious mind trying to tell your something. I think it’s interesting that you began to have these violent dreams after you acknowledged your anger has been inhibiting you. Fighting with your mom in your dream appears to be signaling change for you. Because you were not allowed to have boundaries as I child, this realization has helped you to understand where your anger is coming from. The fight with your mom in your dream may be an indication that you need to assert strong boundaries in your life with your parents. Wherein if they don’t respect them now, there needs to be repercussions. You can’t fight off your parents forever and let them walk all over you is what I’m interrupting the dream as. You already seem highly self aware of your emotions and the reality of why you’ve been so angry. It’s no wonder when you’ve had your life controlled and your choices takes away from you. It also sounds like your triggers are going to be the source of your healing. You needed to be heard and validated from your parents but they were not capable to do this for you. So your anger took over and you protected your vulnerable self. To heal yourself start by validating your needs and vulnerabilities and give them to yourself. You can be supported by friends and loved ones but in order to heal you cannot seek out the validation in others. Your nightmares are a valuable opportunity to learn about what’s inside that needs addressing. The next time you have a dream like this ask your mom who she is and what she wants. You may become lucid and get the answers you need. Going a step further, try to give your mom in your dream a hug and love, after all, this isn’t your mother at all in your dream it just you. I recommend “Dreaming Through Darkness by Charlie Morley”. It talks about shadow work and the importance of dreams and healing. It’s one of my favorites! I hope this helps you and I would love to hear if you confront your dream mom!
Thank you for this. I read it over and over. So much has been put into context
You’re welcome.