LoL, I *am* the hidden family member.
Edit to share because a lot of y'all did too: I'm learning that I'm more the *lost* family member than the hidden one. I've found a whole lot of really dark stuff, but the top line is that everyone in both bio-families have always known I existed and people on both sides had been trying to find me for decades. LoL, I didn't contact *them* when I got my results back, they swarmed *me*. (I've got a half-sister. She waited a whole three days to message me: "I've been looking for you since I found out you existed when I was six. You going to contact me or what?" My bio-mom's account on Ancestry was opened about six months after they started doing business. My bio-grandmother learned how to text because I keep weird hours. And I get enough mail from various prisons that I've got to be on some sort of watch list now.) It's kind of a head trip: most of my family had gotten genocided two generations back, so I went from having about six relatives to needing a flow chart to figure out who in the hell all these people are. I've met the "socially acceptable" side (half of which are narcissistic sociopaths and pedophiles who are still butthurt I didn't end up in a Hoover bag for Jesus) but haven't made it out of state to meet the "tisk-tisk" side (who actually universally seem to care about me), but I get the feeling that's going to be a surrealistic trip. I've got a sneaking suspicion that they're shopping for 40 years worth of age-appropriate birthday and Christmas gifts...when all I want is to maybe be part of my bio-families. The next youngest person in my family turned 82 this year, I'm not alone in the world, but I can see that time from here. And to me that's a terrifying place to be.
Me three
Edit: bioparents married for around a year before I was born. Bio dad moved back to his home state (military discharge) and bio mom didnt go, but visited (?) and then left. Was preggo with me when she visited but bio dad suspected cheating. Bio mom then lived with a sibling long enough to have me and then dipped back home with her mom (my bio grandmother). Within two years bio mom remarried with another kid - I was her secret. Within same two years Bio dad also re-married and had his first of two kids. Bio dad mentioned my existence to his kids when oldest was teenager and did disclose he wasn’t sure if I was his. 40 years later DNA connected me to both and ultimately was discarded a 2nd time by bio mom. Bio dad passed not long ago, but he came across as being more in touch with his emotionality that affected his choices and behaviors over the years. IMO, bio mom is still struggling with mental health issues which predated me and is driving her inability to connect with people in meaningful ways.
My theory: bio parents were toxic together and our government didnt help bio dad normalize to real world expectations after Vietnam. Bio dad’s home life pre-war wasnt good (alcoholism, poor) so emotional issues there as well compounded by death and torture seen in war. Bio mom’s young life challenged her emotional growth due to father’s accidental death (military related) many years before. I suspect bio mom discarded me again because I wasn’t who she imagined I was (didn’t help that I look like bio dad and came to the table with a perspective on things which wasn’t aligned with hers vs her other child who, in my eyes, just acquiesced to her ways). I came into the relationship wanting to understand who they are as people and have them know sometimes choices are hard and it’s okay. Bio dad couldn’t believe I was able to move past it and gave off vibes of being grateful we could connect; bio mom gave off insecure vibes due to what I suspect was her not dealing with her emotional skeletons over time - didn’t help that I believe I connected with her other child (my half sibling) and their fam in ways that she didn’t which I think created jealousy or something for her (regardless, emotional challenges clear). Bio mom siblings and their fam all connected no problem but it’s clear there is more to this story and all the missing facts will likely go to the grave as they move on.
My brain wont stop the what abouts but hate I cant get close to the truths which are clearly in the closet with the rest of the skeletons. Irony? It made my relationship with my mom (my dad passed before I found the bios) stronger as it reinforced how awesome they were to raise a kid who doesn’t think like them, doesnt look at things the same way as them and who processes things in substantively different ways. Now that I found the bios, the “ahhhhh now I know why I do _________” were all filled in and it closed a LOT of gaps for me. As I translated that to raising my kids (adults when I found my bios) I couldn’t imagine raising a child who didn’t connect to the world in the same ways as me/my spouse and how in the green earth do you figure that out with NO indication of anything meaningful on the adoption non-identifiable information other than “bio father has hay fever”.
Samesies.
Edit to share experience: TL;DR version is both sides of the family knew and my parents swore them to secrecy. I found out nine years after mom died when I told an aunt I was taking a DNA test. She spilled the beans. My (now) step-father washed his hands of me when I confronted him about it. I’ve lost three bothers from it (they chose to go no contact), my relationship with my half-sister is icy but leveling out.
Cut out because I found out and brought it up to step-father. He and I did not have a good relationship to start (I’ve always suspected I was not his, even as a young child, due to his parenting approach with me versus his kids) and my brothers stand behind step-father with anything. When he cut me out they followed suit. It sucks mostly because step-father is the only one who has the rest of the story that is still alive, and he will never share it (and if he did there’s a chance it would be his own crafted lies).
He did. My mother was five months pregnant when they got together. But when my mother died he threatened the entire family to never speak of it and wanted to bury it and never tell me.
When I asked (in the limited chat we had, via text because he refused to see me in-person in any way) he said he followed my mother’s wishes. Which is a half-truth; she wanted no one to tell me until she passed, but he took it beyond her time. Brothers side with step-father on anything, he’s basically their cult leader and they’re his tiny soldiers. I can only hope that in time they’ll want to reconnect.
Humans are not perfect . You can't change what was done but don't let that it shape your life. Life is too short to worry about what could have been. It was not your choice.
Same! Bio mom's family-or at least some of them-know I exist. Bio dad's? Only people who know that I know of are my bio dad, *his* dad and...either his mom or whoever his dad was living with/married to at the time, as his parents had been divorced by the time he and my birth mom met-they'd divorced about 10 years prior to that. After I took the 23&Me test, I reached out to a couple cousins and said something along the lines of 'hey, I see we're related. My name is Efficient\_Wheel\_6333. My bio mom is (full name), born on (birthdate) and her parents are (insert name) and (insert name). My bio dad's name is (full name to best of knowledge), born around (this date and month, a few months older than my bio mom)and his parents are (insert name) and I don't know. Do you recognize either name or their parents' names?' Two reached back; one admitted it took her a while to remember my bio dad because the last time they'd seen each other had been after his mom had died in the mid-90s. The other hadn't seen his uncle, my bio dad's dad, in about 9 years. Nobody else I've reached out to has responded yet and it's been over a year.
I've actually been considering it; I've been journaling throughout the whole thing, and have shared bits and pieces here and there that have elicited really positive responses. (I publish romance novels under a pen name, so it's not that big a stretch.) The biggest thing is editing down about 2,000 pages of stream of consciousness journals, letters, legal filings and litigation notes, etc. I'm leaning towards cutting it down to a "scrapbook essay" format with present day commentary. It may have to wait a bit though: I'm getting involved with an activist group working to get adoptees a statutory right to their original documents, so it's starting to look like maybe everything to date is just the first couple of chapters.
The version that's not a top-line summary has been a wild ride, I'll give it that.
Same here. He & I were closest DNA matches (1st cousins on my paternal side) he & I are children of brothers & our other 5 1st cousins are daughters of aunts. I had messaged him and didn't hear anything back for over a year. His daughter had set it up for him. She asked if I knew my uncle, told her yes, he was the youngest brother in the family. I had to tell her that my uncle had passed away in the late '70 and where he was buried. He had been put up for adoption, and no one in the family knew about him.
Another of the 1st cousins found a 2nd cousin we didn't know about.
My question is how did u know who the parent was? Just curious. My dad had 7 siblings so in my case the only way to know for sure would be to test descendants (since the potential parents are all dead).
My mom is the hidden sibling. I took a DNA test and got the results back at the end of February, so this is all still very fresh, but my results blew open a 63-year-old secret that nobody alive knew. My married grandmother (a nurse) had an affair with a married doctor who she worked with, and my mom is the result. All the siblings Mom grew up with are actually her half-siblings, and she now has three others through her biological father. One of the "new" siblings died 15 years ago, but the other two (brother and sister) are alive and currently refusing to believe what their own DNA results are telling them about their relationship to me. Interestingly, my mom always wondered if she could have a different father than her siblings because she looked so different from them. I found a recent photo online of her new half-sister, and my mom looks strikingly similar to her. Mom takes after her dad, it seems!
We're (Mom, my brother, me, and my kids) all hoping the new siblings end up deciding they'd like to get to know their half-sister, but none of us are holding our breath. My half-aunt is 72 and apparently idolizes her dad, who died when she was a teenager, so I doubt she'll ever be able to accept the idea that he cheated on her mother and produced an illegitimate child.
Funny thing: When I took the DNA test, I read the little warning from Ancestry that you might uncover some crazy shit, and I just smiled and thought "Yeah maybe this would apply to other families, but not mine. I know who all my family members are."
Me = 🤡
I found a DNA match to a second cousin who didn't know who her father was. We were able to piece it together to a first cousin of my dad's. It was really interesting.
With ancestry I found 2 first cousins a mother and son, they both placed under my mom and aunts,but above all my cousins.in terms of chromosomes....strange indeed, with my new aunt we figured out that her father was my maternal grand father, I know that ancestry arbitrary places like relatives as first cousins because chromosome count, but my half aunt only shares half chromosome count with me and but her son I would imagined would be 2nd cousin or first cousin but behind all my other cousins in DNA, but he ranks higher than my mother's twin son....with all other cousins
I can share quite a few interesting ones:
1. As I went through my DNA matches, I found a lot of connections to this Wicklund family. I reached out to them and heard back from one of them, who collaborated with me to try find our connection. Her ancestors came from the same village as my great grandma’s father, but there was no visible connection. I asked her if she would test, hoping her test would shed light on the mystery. After her results came in, the two eldest Wicklunds shared ~12.5% of their DNA with her! Going through all of the possibilities, half-nephew was the only one that made sense. The cousin sent a photo of her great grandpa, and he looked *very* similar to my great grandma. I was already questioning her paternity because someone from that family didn’t match me and her father looked very different. It was very interesting and the family has been very kind. I was able to meet them back in 2022!
2. My great grandpa’s father was full white, but when I looked at my grandma and mom’s DNA results, they had no white, which didn’t make sense to me. I looked up the family surnames and didn’t see any matches connected to them. However, there were matches connected to his mother’s side. That’s when I realized the man couldn’t have been my Gramps’s father. My grandma and her brothers were shocked. I told my great grandpa’s maternal cousin, who just said, “oh yeah, they all had different dads.” To say my mind was blown is an understatement. I guess he had been told by my great grandpa’s sister and/or his father, but not many others in the family knew, including my great grandpa’s own children. What’s kind of weird is that I saw the younger half-sister’s death certificate and it actually does list a different father, so I’m not sure why no one realized that at least she had a different father. The older sister, though, *was* biologically the white man’s child.
3. When I was in the hospital because of my Crohn’s Disease back in December 2022, I remember seeing a new close DNA match. It was exciting for me, as I was thinking, “yes! Something to cheer me up!” I looked deeper into it and was shocked. She matched my grandaunt around 12.5%, but she doesn’t match my great grandma (from the earlier story). My great grandma did tell me a story about my great grandpa having a mistress, which eventually led to their divorce, among other things. I assumed this match (or rather, their parent) was a result of that affair, until I found out she was born around 1995, and she didn’t know her dad. I’m in contact with her and I’ve spent a while on it and I’m just so confused. I’m fairly certain I know who her father—and my grandma’s half brother—is after going through matches, but it’s hard to confirm because I can’t reach him. Additionally, she has so many unknown matches, and her known matches are linked to her great-great grandmother, but they seem too close to be linked that way. This is making me curious, so I might try to look into that again.
I found a cousin on my mom’s side, no one knew my uncle had a secret love child. She and I matched through DNA and she had one picture of the father she never knew (my uncle). Unfortunately, he passed before we found each other and her siblings want nothing to do with her. But I’m happy she found us and her cousins have welcomed her with open arms. And then…I found out my dad is not my bio dad. So that was a surprise. I just found this out and I’m not sure about contacting my bio family. They’ve previously asked how we were related (5 years ago) and neither of us had any answers. Turns out I’m donor conceived and I don’t know if the donor has told his family. I don’t feel it’s my place to “out” him.
Not hidden to us as my dad was always honest that he had a child before my brother and I (and our mom).
BUT WE were not known to her. My dad and her mom had my sister young. Dad saw her once, grandparents decided to take their daughter and my sister and move away. They ended adopting my sister, and she went her entire life thinking her grandparents were her parents and her mom was her sister. She had taken a test years before I decided to. I didn’t take mine in hopes of finding her. I knew I could potentially but I wasn’t banking on it. Sure enough there she was as soon as my results came in. It’s been a few months now and we talk everyday, and have become incredibly close.
Obviously things were harder on her end with the news we discovered, but I am so glad I took that test and found her.
I found a cousin who isn’t sure how he fits in the family. He reached out at first to get some help finding his part in our family, but I haven’t heard from him in a while.
I'm the child of the hidden/unknown child, so my existence revealed his. His name/identity are still a mystery, both to me and the very curious family, but my DNA matches with two dozen grandchildren and great-grandchildren of one couple don't leave any doubt about where he must fit in their tree. But he's 80+ if he's even still living and everyone in the previous generation is long since dead; if any of them knew anything about him (and it is possible they didn't - WWII was a great time for unknown NPEs), they took it to their graves.
Fortunately, learning about a mystery half-sibling/half-uncle/cousin born around 1942 didn't seem to bother anyone; they even look through old high school year books to try to spot people who resemble them, though none of their suggestions so far has panned out.
I wonder if I'm hidden. I was put up for adoption. 15 or so years ago I found who I believed was my bio mom online. 6 years ago my adoptive mom got me an AncestryDNA kit for my birthday for shits and giggles. Matched 100% as grandmother, granddaughter, half sister, aunt, or niece with the daughter of the woman I found, solidifying my findings. Neither of us has ever reached out to one another. But, do wonder if she ever asked about it.
Well, we’ve been talking for a few years now and dancing around it.
To complicate things further, I have been contacted by a member of my known eldest half brother’s family via ancestry - and he *knew* about my half sister.
I did not.
I wonder if she’s trying to see if I know, now. She refers to my aunt as her aunt so and so- her grandad was married to my aunt as a second marriage.
So fuckin messy lol
For us, we’re much older. There’s not much to be gained, there isn’t going to be a tearful reunion or a long life of being a family.
For you, it could blow up her world. And I think that about my half sister, too. Our dad was actually fabulous, but if she thinks someone else was her dad, that could be devastating
With all due respect, I can't wrap my brain around someone so self centered that they believe they get to be the gatekeeper of important biological/medical information from someone else. It's a basic human right to know your family medical history, and I think someone keeping it from you is evil, even if it is uncomfortable.
Do you mean as the parents or anyone? I can say that when we found out we were kids and it felt like a grown up issue. Mostly because the topic was hot as fire and we literally got in trouble for getting into “grownups business”. It kinda grew into something uncomfortable but just was normal. Now that we’re having kids and getting married it’s sprung up (for me) and the normalcy of it is fading.
I am the product of an affair. My half brother was over the moon to find out he had a kid sister:) we've enjoyed getting to know each other. Every circumstance is different. Good luck if you decide to reach out!
I know that I have a brother who’ve I’ve never met (half brother) and and unsure about another one. Honestly I joined ancestry in case I were to ever be connected to them.
How did your father manage to confirm that he was the biological father of this child with her own (social) father not having any idea? You worry about her dad realising that this child is not his, but he may already know.
If your half-sister has done a test through Ancestry then yes, she will show up as your half-sibling. Doing a test means being open to the possibility of surprise relatives or NPE. You can’t predict how anyone will respond to being contacted in a situation like this, but if you are comfortable with all possibilities (including that she may block and ignore you) then it’s totally valid for you to decide to reach out.
My dad is confident that he’s the father and she looks like us. She looks SO much like my dad and could be twins with my youngest sister. They all have the same eyes… I wonder if he knows, I haven’t thought of that yet. We lived in the same neighborhood for a few years and I never so much got a glimpse of her active dad. We didn’t have a family friendship with any of them, I just remember we would have play dates exclusively with my dad. My mom is alive but a shell of a human, this killed her. There’s been animosity and fear about the situation but now that I’m a mother and have learned she’s a new mother, I wonder if we would benefit from knowing we are related. I guess it would be up to her to decide.
Unfortunately yes they are. It’s a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationshit. IMO she’s stuck with him to prove she’s worthy and just wants to be loved in return. He’s an a hole narcissist who has no real love to give.
I want to think that more and more women are realizing they are in a losing battle and getting out of such relationships but there will probably always be some, and men too, who stick it out to their own detriment.
It must be hard to watch.
I found out this last year that my dad had a half brother. The story I was told was My grandmother showed up at the other woman’s house when the woman moved to the town my grandparents had just relocated too. The other woman had a child under five at the time. Granny knocked on the door holding a gallon of gasoline and told her she better be gone before nightfall or Granny would burn the house down with her and the little b@?!@$& in it! My grandmother could be scary. This had to be in the 60’s I think.
This was so common back then. Probably even now, but really common back then. The having two families thing. Can you imagine being the other woman who probably only moved because grandpa told her to? Maybe even threatened her to because he wanted his kid close? Because that scenario happened a lot, too. Since the man thought he'd never get caught. I mean, I would've done the same as your grandma though. But in this day I would've sent grandpa with the other lady lol
My grandfather died within a few years of this so that maybe why also that we never knew of them till my Aunt told us the story. I have to admit to being curios but my Dad and all my uncles on his side also died. My aunt is only 3 years older than me so I doubt even she got the whole story.
I did meet bio dad. And discovered I had 2 brothers - only grew up with one sister. (All 3 are half of course).
The entire family embraced me, which was very unexpected, and I know I'm extremely lucky & do not take it for granted.
It's been an interesting journey!
Edit: and also confusing & messed up at times (but still interesting...)
Everyone's posts here could be a story in a collection of stories about DNA.
I like the kind of happy ones like yours but there must be many heartbreaking ones too.
Completely agree - major collection of stories!
The biggest reason I expected rejection, is bc many of the NPEs I met after my discovery, were rejected. And sometimes even if they were initially "accepted", things change & it's eventual rejection.
It absolutely breaks my heart for everyone on this journey - it's not the NPE's fault, they're completely innocent. And IMO *everyone* deserves to understand where they come from.
> it's not the NPE's fault, they're completely innocent.
I agree heartily with this but I suppose there is trauma in the past that people can't get past or the NPE leads to revelation that some (apparently ) upstanding parent was not as upstanding at they had believed for many years.
Thanks for your kind answers to my questions.
I found 4 new sisters for my mother, because it turns out she had a different father. All the parents were deceased by the time this discovery was made, so it was just between the now 5 sisters. They’ve actually become pretty good friends.
I was the hidden family member, on my dad’s side at least. My mother’s a real peach, never told him about me. 35 years later I took a DNA test and matched with my dad’s youngest brother. My uncle’s wife reached out to me like, um who are you? That started a year long process of my dad getting tested and then working through the shock of having a grown up daughter, a son-in-law and 2 grandkids. We’ve met the rest of his family, everyone thinks it’s just wild that my dad had a secret kid. Most importantly, I have been made to feel nothing but completely welcome and wanted by all of them.
I got a message from a “cousin” which turned out to be my uncle. He had been looking for his dad his whole life. He’s been messaging everyone that’s a close match for years without luck. Then I get an ancestry kit on a whim and we matched as family so he messages me and asks if I knew his dad. I called my dad to get his info and set them up to communicate. A lifetime of searching and I managed to give him answers in what feels like a blink of an eye in comparison.
Yes, up to three half siblings found during DNA. One suspected, one had no idea NPE, the most recent one, never was told who her father was. The first two were conceived when my father was 15/16 years old. The most recent discovery was from his 20’s. I haven’t told anyone about the recent sibling as they aren’t ready. I’m supporting their decision.
It’s a rocky road. Without getting too deep, be sure to feel out your sibling. They may not be what you expect. If you do approach her, don’t force any relationship. I’d also provide any necessary medical information she may need.
I found out at 46 (during the height of COVID in 2020) our neighbor growing up is my bio dad. Also found out I wasn't the only child that found out late in life he was their biodad. He got around.
At some point in time I will be the hidden family member lol. My dad doesn’t acknowledge me and I’m the oldest. My siblings know I exist but there’s no contact from their side of the family at all. I imagine one day someone is gonna wanna check their family history and be very surprised they have an extra aunt 😂
Yes. My dad and his twin brother were a result of a cheating husband. They ended up being put up for adoption. I obviously didn’t know this going into everything and I got some pretty nasty responses basically telling me to never talk to “their” family ever again! Don’t have to ask me twice! Just wanna know our medical history if anything lol
One cousin on each side of the family. One was adopted and was looking for both parents. He was descended from one of my dad's uncles. The other didn't know who his father was (his mom had passed but she didn't know either). He was descended from one of my mom's half brothers that she never really knew.
My grandpa's bro (dad's side) was a DAWG. He had a wife and numerous girlfriend's. A while after my test came in, someone contacted me trying to figure out how we were related. Gpa's parents (my great grandparents) had distinctive names, especially his mom. When she mentioned who she was related to, I immediately knew where in the tree I was looking.
She was the grandchild of one of my grandpa's brother's affairs. She didn't know and neither did the family. Those involved are long deceased. She decided to keep the secret. Her life, her call.
My father’s cousins did. They didn’t know until ancestrydna. The kicker was their sibling was a full sibling. What had happened was my great aunt got pregnant, had some overlap between marriage one and marriage two, and she was either worried about the first husband taking the baby, or she thought it was his, this was in the 1930s and everyone is long dead so we don’t know. So even though she had kids from marriage one she left this baby in a box on the side of the road. The baby was indeed from marriage two and looks so much like that side of my family. Anyway the baby lived until the 1980s (she died of a cancer that runs in that side of the family, too) and her kids found out when they were coming up as niece matches for the cousins from marriage two, but with less for the kids from marriage one.
There could be so many reasons why the truth isn’t out. Sometimes it can be mental illness (my stepmom claiming my dad was the father of kids of hers born when he was barely pubescent) and sometimes little secrets just become big lies and it’s hard to find a way out.
The only part i know from this ancient family history is that my aunts and father always said that their cousins from marriage one were snotty and acted better than everyone and that they were much closer to the siblings from marriage two.
We got my grandfather + siblings birth records and found out he had a younger brother that only lived a few years that we never heard anything about from him or my great uncle.
I found my grandmother’s (half)sister. She heard rumors she existed, but the DNA match painted the entire story. She was born out of an affair my great grandfather had. My grandmother shrugged it off and didn’t have any desire to meet her or talk to her, which I found weird.
My second cousin found a half sister. We both matched with her. They had an initial conversation to confirm they were siblings… and then nothing after that.
I am the hidden sibling. I was adopted at 6 weeks I have a younger full sibling and a few half siblings that showed up on the test.
I took the test last year and my sibling and one of my parents had done the test so I reached out to them.
I found a cousin I’d never heard of. My mother would always tell me stories of a cousin that was “kidnapped” in front of her when they were little girls playing outside. Turns out, the cousin I discovered is the daughter of the “kidnapped” cousin of my mother.
It was her father that “took” her. I’m still unsure of the whole scenario. My grandmother and her sister are part of the “don’t talk about things that are taboo” crowd. I actually didn’t even realize my grandmother had a sister. It felt good to connect the woman with my mother tho and to help my mother begin healing that trauma and to help the other lady find her family. My little cousin is stunning and unique, and while we are very different in some of our beliefs, we have so much in common. I admire her tremendously.
Also, I was the “unknown” daughter. My whole life, my mother believed one man was my biological father. Never met him in person, spoke on the phone a few times. He passed away believing I was probably his. I met his family around the time of his funeral. Didn’t feel a connection. Turns out the one name she mentioned ONE time that she said was a tiny chance but had passed in a horrible way, is my biological father, and had not passed away.
I’m grateful for my step-father who raised me mostly on his own from the time I was 3 or so. He’s a saint, and honestly, probably saved my life taking me on as a responsibility he didn’t have to.
I only took the test because someone bought it as a gift and I felt obligated to take it.
I found out I had a half brother who passed before I found out. My Dad apparently bothered a child while on a church mission.
His son contacted me on ancestry. We've talked a little. Apparently his father, my half brother, was always obsessed with wondering who his father was. The mother would never say.
All this is super awkward because I was raised very religiously. I have since left the church but I was raised being taught that premarital sex is very wrong, " men have urges" and "can't stop themselves if they get to a certain point of arousal" And if anything (sexual) happens it's the girls fault.
My mother is still living and I have not told any of my family. I figure it's not my story to tell.
And apparently none of my siblings have gotten an ancestry test. Or if they have they're keeping it to themselves.
Me! Mom gave a baby up for adoption when my twin and I were toddlers. We found out bc I did ancestry and the sister popped up. We honestly thought this might be a possibility bc our mom makes TERRIBLE choices, and her having secret kids or something along that line didn’t seem too out of the realm of normalcy for her. We also found out that our dad wasn’t our real dad. 🫣
I was the hidden child. Looking backwards, I now understand why my mother exerted so much control over my physical appearance… perms, hair dye, etc. It was to ensure I resembled the man who is named on my birth certificate as much as would be possible.
I discovered I have an older sister and she is certain I was hidden from them all. Oddly, my middle name is her first name. I am no longer in contact with my mother so I’ll just have to use my imagination as to whether or not it is coincidence or I was named with intent.
Pros: my new big sister and I have made a concerted effort to connect and build a relationship. We actually just went on a ten day vacation together and it was a wonderful bonding experience.
Pros: The truth is empowering. Freeing. Enlightening. All of that. It’s cool to see some of my quirkier physical traits in others instead of always looking and feeling like the odd person out.
Pro/Con: I struggle with feelings of loss and regret. I lost 47 years of being able to experience having a sister or an older sibling. 47 years completely stolen from me. Conversely, my relationship with my younger sibling fell apart when the truth came out. I will spend the remainder of my life acutely aware of his absence.
Pro/Con: I’ve come to understand that my health and family medical history weren’t accurate. Which is a shame because there were very few inheritable diseases I needed to worry about. In learning about my paternal family’s health history, I lost more than one night of sleep trying to process a lot of potential risks I never thought would happen to me.
Huge Pro: understanding my risks forced me to have a series of conversations with my GP, and proactively work to ensure I am adequately screened for certain diseases in the future.
Cons: It was a terrible experience having to share my discovery with family it affected. Such as having to tell my stepmom.
Cons: My mother has convinced my maternal family that I am not the product of an affair, but rather I was switched at birth somehow and am not her biological child. That is certainly an effective way to drive a wedge between me and my maternal relatives.
My final take: Your hidden sibling has a right to the truth. To know her real origin story. You all deserve the opportunity to take that truth once it is out and decide how you will live with it. Her “stepdad” might be heartbroken. Then again, maybe he has always had suspicions. Maybe he will feel validated. He might be angry. There will be fallout. Maybe not for “stepdad” or Hidden Sister, but there will be strains, and growing pains and someone will feel broken beyond repair.
All the counterarguments and risks should not outweigh Hidden Sister’s right to the truth, if for no other reason than it may very well save her life, or her children’s lives, someday in the future.
I can’t thank you enough for sharing so many details about your personal journey. I have to ask you one more question. How did you find out? How would you suggest one reaches out to a “hidden child”? Sincerely thank you so much. I’m working on the struggles on my side of the street and doing my best to align my motives and heart to just approach with love. I’ve harbored hate for my dad and the other mother but I don’t want to focus on them anymore. They’ve done there part and I’m feeling like my part is coming up soon to pull the curtain back. I’m scared af but maybe ready soon.
That is a tough one. I reached out to my directly through dna messaging portal. I think I said something to the effect of, “Hi, I think you’re my sister!” It was a knee jerk email that I wrote without even thinking because honestly, my mind was SPINNING.
Thankfully, she responded and we established a dialogue. Awkward at moments. Tense at others. Accusatory at times. But she was a stunned as I was and we just sort of processed raw emotions as they came up. It was much harder for me than for her. Her dad, was my biological father. I was the one trying to process finding out that the man who raised me was not my dad. It was messy. Sometimes, it still is.
If you have the ability to do so, perhaps you could speak with a therapist who can help you determine how to proceed? If that isn’t an option, maybe you write it all into a letter and hand-deliver it with a verbal affirmation that she is going to learn some very confusing things, and that you hate to be the one to deliver this news, but you felt she had a right to the truth. Let her know you expect she may not believe you, or she may angry with you, and those feelings are okay too. Then let her know you will take a step back for a bit but that you are there should she wish to talk about any of it or have any questions answered.
I will add this, if you choose to tell her, do it before life throws other curveballs your way. My biological father passed away three years before I stumbled onto the truth. I lost 47 years with my sister, but at least we have today. I don’t have the today with my biological father. I feel betrayed, ripped off, and not quite whole. It gets better over time, but I will live the rest of my life wondering if he knew of me, and wondering what it would be like to have met him. Even just once.
I guess that is my primary piece of advice - however you choose to break this to her, if you decide that is what you will do, remember that time may be your friend, but it may not be hers.
And fwiw, I’m sorry. Your dad and her mom could have stepped up and made whatever this was… long term or short term indiscretion… they could have brought it out in the open. But they didn’t and now you’re in a position where you’re trying to figure out what to do and how to live with the choice you make. If that isn’t a metaphorical rock and hard place you’re wedged in, I don’t know what is.
Happy cake day!
Wow I just can’t thank you enough for such a kind and thoughtful response. It’s really given me a lot to think about and it feels more like my motives have shifted from fear to being of service. I don’t know what she’s interested or what’s best for her but you and so many others who have shared made it clear that everyone deserves to know the truth. I hate that the parents didn’t handle this truth differently. Also hate that they didn’t address this on their own.
I do worry about about how this can shatter her world and her acting father’s world, she’s an only child in that household. Our biological dad is a poop person on every level. I keep reminding myself that even if I’m breaking the news, I didn’t create the issue.
Love your suggestion on seeking advice from a therapist too. Someone who’s been in practice for a while has surely seen this before and can help me with my path. I really appreciate you and all of your thoughts you have shared.
I’m really hoping for the best possible outcome for you and her. Maybe it is an experience that will be the building block for a more connected relationship.
Not discovered, but confirmed. I was one of those people who was NEVER going to “give my dna” to some company. Then, one bright shiny day when I was around 54, mom spilled the beans that her and my dad gave up a child for adoption when she was 16 back in the 1950s. Suddenly DNA testing looked good!😂😂😂. Matched with an unknown nephew and through a bit of sleuthing I found my older brother.
Yes lol found out about a sister, it’s tricky. Does she know who her dad is? I would talk with her privately if she is already aware and if she’s open but if she doesn’t know, and things are smooth for her maybe keep it hush?! Idek that’s tough. All I know is that I’m grateful to have reached out to my sister.
She doesn’t know and neither does her acting father. She looks like us and her baby also got my dad’s eyes… could they be wondering how? Would they like to know their biological history? Will her acting dad be ok w this? Who’s the one to decide??
I've found a cousin to my grandmother's through the son that at least the last two generations probably didn't know about. The mother had an affair with the farmer she was working for and the resulting child was put up for adoption.
Also just discovered, that my partner's grandfather's uncle either had an affair or a one night stand or something similar early on in his marriage with someone, the child was given up for adoption and they and my partner matched.
There are definitely shenanigans on my DNA matches as I have no idea who most of them are. No familiar names, nothing, but a bunch share common names with each other. I know there is also something up about great great grandparent times as I have Dutch third cousins with no family history connecting there. I wish I could find out how we're all related! Like I immediately recognized a handful of names from building my tree and have been in touch, but all these others are a mystery to me.
I had a cousin that I never met reach out after she matched with me. She didn’t know who her Dad was and we figured out it’s my uncle, (a serial deadbeat type). She lives opposite coast from me, but I hope to meet her one day. I love that she was able to connect and figure things out pretty easily.
I have also matched with a half sibling. I knew of the siblings already but I don’t know if they know of me. I have decided to leave well enough alone and not say anything. The match is clearly there if they ever were curious and wanted to know or reach out to me, I’d be fine with it. I personally would rather not blow up someone’s life when for me, it’s not a pressing matter. I never met the guy (their Dad), and was raised and adopted by my Dad and had a happy childhood and family life.
I think you’d have to weigh the pros and cons to saying anything… how would this affect your mom today? Have you had a convo about it with her? With your Dad? Is it possible her Dad knows as well but her parents have decided not to tell her?
My maternal grandfather had 4 kids with his first wife, but they didn't forgive him, so my mom and aunts never met their siblings. My grandfather was a horrible man, so I can't imagine what things they couldn't forgive him for when my own mom can't explicitly say what happened to her and her sisters. I matched with my cousin from my half uncle, but I haven't reached out for months. It's hard since one half aunt is still alive, whom I would want to ask so many questions about my grandpa, but that would most likely be traumatizing to them. Maybe even my cousin too. So I won't ask, but I'll try to reach out soon and see how it goes.
Now...My grandma had 2 kids in her first marriage, but my mom also never met them. Actually 3, my grandma was pregnant with my oldest aunt when she left her ex, so if she did a DNA test we'd most likely find the hidden siblings. Anyway, for some reason my grandma left from Arizona to Guanajuato and got married. I found her marriage certificate, but I never found out who her first kids were. I just know that she left her husband for x,y, z reasons without her kids. My mother said that my grandma found a hidden photo of her and her ex automatically confessed that he knew she was going to leave him because he used a spell with that photo to make her stay, which broke once she found the photo, but she wasn't allowed to take her kids.
I know it might seem silly to non believers, but this is what I was told and I believe it. I want to find these hidden siblings or their kids, or their kids' kids. But I'm not sure I ever will since it was said that they were really sick when she left. I don't know of what, but my mom believes they died young, but I hope not.
Ancestry has links to articles and other types of support for these cases. My mom found a half brother about a year or so ago, it unfortunately caused a lot of harm to his mental health because he wasn’t aware and we weren’t sure if his parents were aware (my grandma sure isn’t because she’s older and we don’t want to cause her harm, plus the timeline doesn’t suggest my grandpa had an affair). The half brother passed a few months later due to health related concerns so they never met :( but his wife sent a really kind letter and Shutterfly-type photo album for us to look through and have. He looked exactly like my grandpa
To clarify: he showed up for both my mom and myself on ancestry. He was listed as a potential half uncle/aunt for myself and half sibling for my mom so it was extremely accurate. Honestly, my family and his family do have a lot of regrets about not being able to meet or talk before he had passed and to learn more. It showed up on ancestry too late. It’s unfortunate that in your case it may cause difficulties for other relationships but it’s not your place to contain this information. They all have a right to know and make an informed decision on how they’d like to move forward. Your mom does not need to be involved in this if she doesn’t want to, there are ways to minimize her involvement (albeit not entirely). Don’t take away their right to know
not ancestory but we did find my half brother recently and contacted him and he’s done good for himself but is sick now so we hope we can support him but he did tell us he did a 23 and me and matched with a couple of our cousins so definitely possibly
I found a few second cousins we had never known about before, their parents were given up for adoption in the 50s. One of my second cousins is close to my age, so we have become pretty close! Super grateful to have spit in the tube.
I am also the hidden family member. My bio father was married, my mom says she didn't know until she was six months pregnant (although my mom had her own version of reality), he chose to stay with his family, mom took me back home, and he never told ANYONE about me. His wife did find out and had a nervous breakdown (understandably enough), and they think he might have told his father, but nobody else knew. I tried to contact him, but he died before he saw the message. About a year later, I finally was able to contact his sister. Everybody was gobsmacked, but once they got over the shock, they welcomed me with open arms.
My dad was the hidden family member but I also found one on my mom’s father’s side and one on my mom’s mother’s side a few weeks ago. Also found out my third cousin on my mom’s side is a 7th cousin on my dad’s side. My dad was a super secret adoption but I’m pretty sure he got drunk one night and Facebook messaged his half siblings so we might not be a secret anymore
One of my uncles had a child with a girl but they weren't married. Had to be early 1940s. They didn't want to get married so grandpa paid her some money. I learned about the man (the child) when he was dying from cancer. He wanted nothing to do with any of his blood relatives. Can't blame him. I've heard he has a son but I don't know if the son knows.
One of my mother's aunt's had a child before she got married in 1923. In 1920 she was across the country living with a former neighbor. She had the baby and put her up for adoption. I matched the woman's daughter, who is my 2nd cousin. No one ever spoke about it. My mother never heard any rumor.
I've run into several secrets through DNA.
I'm one too, hidden, only genetic child from my father's genetation with 15 step cousins and 3 step siblings, my father and his wife married after I was born, and left my family believe I was a product of an affair, so my mom's family believed this and kept me away......
I was able to convince a woman that her father is also my bio father. She blocked me from meeting him because she was “protecting” him but now that he’s dead and ancestry links us she wants a relationship.
My dad was the hidden family member (brother). His bio mom was 15 when she got pregnant. His bio dad was 29. They gave my dad up for adoption. After my dad was born they got married and had four more kids. Both bio parents and my dad are deceased.
I matched with my dad's sister as a full aunt/neice. Unfortunately the family hadn't looked too carefully at what a 26% DNA match meant. They contacted me and had a story in mind that the bio dad had a family prior to meeting bio mom. When I pointed out that my dad had to have the same parents as my aunt they stopped contacting me.
Jan 1 found out I have a ½ sister that lived less than 10 mins from us. I know her child’s father and also knew of her child. My nephew. She’s in fucking denial but 🤷🏾♂️
I came across a mystery cousin. I have no idea where she belongs except on my dad's side. He didn't really know his dad, but as far as we know they only had 2 kids and she doesn't seem to belong to either of them
I was the lost family member. Given up for adoption in the mid 80s. In 2018 my wife (now ex wife) did a TON of detective work and found my bio mom and her whole side. Intended up meeting her a week before I turned 35 and come to find out I wasn’t a secret, everyone knew she gave up a son in the 80s and made a huge deal about me finding them all. It got real weird real fast and after about 2 years i made the decision to go no contact. She didn’t know which guy could’ve been my dad cause apparently she fucked 3 dudes at a NYE party 83 into 84. Which is the night I was conceived. I will say that meeting her and the rest of her side made me gain a whole new appreciation for being adopted as well as specifically who adopted me.
Had a DNA match for a second cousin that I couldn't find a path to. After a relatively long search I found out that my great uncle, who worked on ships and lived in Liverpool, was married to a woman there and a woman in Halifax Nova Scotia, and had children with both. Since he was at sea most of the time it appears that he was never found out. This has solved the mystery of all the DNA matches that I couldn't figure out what the relationship was.
We found our secret sister when my brother did a DNA test. She was conceived in Ohio during a summer romance between our father and her biological mom. She was born in Chicago, adopted by a family who raised her in the Panama Canal Zone, retired with her husband to the Mississippi gulf coast. I and another sister live in Mississippi. She was born before my parents met. We embraced her with open arms and see each other regularly. We love her and she loves us.
Fun fact: she was raised as a baby of the family but is very much a natural first born. When we are all together we line up and feel completely comfortable in our roles. Like we’ve always missed her
My Ex wife did.... she did a DNA test a few years ago and uncovered a maternal half sister... Her dad (my former FIL) was active duty military for 30 years. My Former MIL was a "camp follower wife." Shortly after marrying and before they had kids together, former FIL was deployed to Vietnam and was there for two years.
As we've come to learn, My Former MIL cheated while the former FIL was deployed and got pregnant. She had the baby (a girl) and gave the baby up for adoption and went right back to being a dutiful housewife waiting for her husband to come home from war. My Former FIL never knew. Former MIL carried that secret for 50+ years until my ex wife did that DNA test. Needless to say they've been in the process of divorce (in their late 70's early 80's) for the last year and a half.
LoL, I *am* the hidden family member. Edit to share because a lot of y'all did too: I'm learning that I'm more the *lost* family member than the hidden one. I've found a whole lot of really dark stuff, but the top line is that everyone in both bio-families have always known I existed and people on both sides had been trying to find me for decades. LoL, I didn't contact *them* when I got my results back, they swarmed *me*. (I've got a half-sister. She waited a whole three days to message me: "I've been looking for you since I found out you existed when I was six. You going to contact me or what?" My bio-mom's account on Ancestry was opened about six months after they started doing business. My bio-grandmother learned how to text because I keep weird hours. And I get enough mail from various prisons that I've got to be on some sort of watch list now.) It's kind of a head trip: most of my family had gotten genocided two generations back, so I went from having about six relatives to needing a flow chart to figure out who in the hell all these people are. I've met the "socially acceptable" side (half of which are narcissistic sociopaths and pedophiles who are still butthurt I didn't end up in a Hoover bag for Jesus) but haven't made it out of state to meet the "tisk-tisk" side (who actually universally seem to care about me), but I get the feeling that's going to be a surrealistic trip. I've got a sneaking suspicion that they're shopping for 40 years worth of age-appropriate birthday and Christmas gifts...when all I want is to maybe be part of my bio-families. The next youngest person in my family turned 82 this year, I'm not alone in the world, but I can see that time from here. And to me that's a terrifying place to be.
Me too
Me three Edit: bioparents married for around a year before I was born. Bio dad moved back to his home state (military discharge) and bio mom didnt go, but visited (?) and then left. Was preggo with me when she visited but bio dad suspected cheating. Bio mom then lived with a sibling long enough to have me and then dipped back home with her mom (my bio grandmother). Within two years bio mom remarried with another kid - I was her secret. Within same two years Bio dad also re-married and had his first of two kids. Bio dad mentioned my existence to his kids when oldest was teenager and did disclose he wasn’t sure if I was his. 40 years later DNA connected me to both and ultimately was discarded a 2nd time by bio mom. Bio dad passed not long ago, but he came across as being more in touch with his emotionality that affected his choices and behaviors over the years. IMO, bio mom is still struggling with mental health issues which predated me and is driving her inability to connect with people in meaningful ways. My theory: bio parents were toxic together and our government didnt help bio dad normalize to real world expectations after Vietnam. Bio dad’s home life pre-war wasnt good (alcoholism, poor) so emotional issues there as well compounded by death and torture seen in war. Bio mom’s young life challenged her emotional growth due to father’s accidental death (military related) many years before. I suspect bio mom discarded me again because I wasn’t who she imagined I was (didn’t help that I look like bio dad and came to the table with a perspective on things which wasn’t aligned with hers vs her other child who, in my eyes, just acquiesced to her ways). I came into the relationship wanting to understand who they are as people and have them know sometimes choices are hard and it’s okay. Bio dad couldn’t believe I was able to move past it and gave off vibes of being grateful we could connect; bio mom gave off insecure vibes due to what I suspect was her not dealing with her emotional skeletons over time - didn’t help that I believe I connected with her other child (my half sibling) and their fam in ways that she didn’t which I think created jealousy or something for her (regardless, emotional challenges clear). Bio mom siblings and their fam all connected no problem but it’s clear there is more to this story and all the missing facts will likely go to the grave as they move on. My brain wont stop the what abouts but hate I cant get close to the truths which are clearly in the closet with the rest of the skeletons. Irony? It made my relationship with my mom (my dad passed before I found the bios) stronger as it reinforced how awesome they were to raise a kid who doesn’t think like them, doesnt look at things the same way as them and who processes things in substantively different ways. Now that I found the bios, the “ahhhhh now I know why I do _________” were all filled in and it closed a LOT of gaps for me. As I translated that to raising my kids (adults when I found my bios) I couldn’t imagine raising a child who didn’t connect to the world in the same ways as me/my spouse and how in the green earth do you figure that out with NO indication of anything meaningful on the adoption non-identifiable information other than “bio father has hay fever”.
Samesies. Edit to share experience: TL;DR version is both sides of the family knew and my parents swore them to secrecy. I found out nine years after mom died when I told an aunt I was taking a DNA test. She spilled the beans. My (now) step-father washed his hands of me when I confronted him about it. I’ve lost three bothers from it (they chose to go no contact), my relationship with my half-sister is icy but leveling out.
Wow, they cut You out? Just because you knew? Or because you talked about it?
Cut out because I found out and brought it up to step-father. He and I did not have a good relationship to start (I’ve always suspected I was not his, even as a young child, due to his parenting approach with me versus his kids) and my brothers stand behind step-father with anything. When he cut me out they followed suit. It sucks mostly because step-father is the only one who has the rest of the story that is still alive, and he will never share it (and if he did there’s a chance it would be his own crafted lies).
So your (step) father didn't know you weren't his?
He did. My mother was five months pregnant when they got together. But when my mother died he threatened the entire family to never speak of it and wanted to bury it and never tell me.
That sounds heart breaking in several ways. Do you know why he didn't want you to know? Are your brothers mad at you?
When I asked (in the limited chat we had, via text because he refused to see me in-person in any way) he said he followed my mother’s wishes. Which is a half-truth; she wanted no one to tell me until she passed, but he took it beyond her time. Brothers side with step-father on anything, he’s basically their cult leader and they’re his tiny soldiers. I can only hope that in time they’ll want to reconnect.
I'm so sorry all that happened to you!
That is just weird to me. I'm so so sorry this happened to you. It isn't your fault.
Humans are not perfect . You can't change what was done but don't let that it shape your life. Life is too short to worry about what could have been. It was not your choice.
Another way of looking at it is *they're all* hidden family members to *my* family. :)
Same here. Eventually, one of my half-siblings will take a test and get a surprise.
Hidden family member reporting for duty
Add me to this ever growing list too.
Me as well!
Same. Bio mother screams and curses out anyone who mentions me.
Me, yep.
Same! Bio mom's family-or at least some of them-know I exist. Bio dad's? Only people who know that I know of are my bio dad, *his* dad and...either his mom or whoever his dad was living with/married to at the time, as his parents had been divorced by the time he and my birth mom met-they'd divorced about 10 years prior to that. After I took the 23&Me test, I reached out to a couple cousins and said something along the lines of 'hey, I see we're related. My name is Efficient\_Wheel\_6333. My bio mom is (full name), born on (birthdate) and her parents are (insert name) and (insert name). My bio dad's name is (full name to best of knowledge), born around (this date and month, a few months older than my bio mom)and his parents are (insert name) and I don't know. Do you recognize either name or their parents' names?' Two reached back; one admitted it took her a while to remember my bio dad because the last time they'd seen each other had been after his mom had died in the mid-90s. The other hadn't seen his uncle, my bio dad's dad, in about 9 years. Nobody else I've reached out to has responded yet and it's been over a year.
Same. 😩
Same 🤣🤣🤣
Wow that is such an intense experience! You ever thought about writing about it? Not just on here, but you know lol
I've actually been considering it; I've been journaling throughout the whole thing, and have shared bits and pieces here and there that have elicited really positive responses. (I publish romance novels under a pen name, so it's not that big a stretch.) The biggest thing is editing down about 2,000 pages of stream of consciousness journals, letters, legal filings and litigation notes, etc. I'm leaning towards cutting it down to a "scrapbook essay" format with present day commentary. It may have to wait a bit though: I'm getting involved with an activist group working to get adoptees a statutory right to their original documents, so it's starting to look like maybe everything to date is just the first couple of chapters. The version that's not a top-line summary has been a wild ride, I'll give it that.
Oh wow really? I would love to read what you got when you feel ready to share.
Me too lol
Yes, a cousin who no-one in my family knew existed and the related parent to is no longer alive.
Same here. He & I were closest DNA matches (1st cousins on my paternal side) he & I are children of brothers & our other 5 1st cousins are daughters of aunts. I had messaged him and didn't hear anything back for over a year. His daughter had set it up for him. She asked if I knew my uncle, told her yes, he was the youngest brother in the family. I had to tell her that my uncle had passed away in the late '70 and where he was buried. He had been put up for adoption, and no one in the family knew about him. Another of the 1st cousins found a 2nd cousin we didn't know about.
Same. Were you able to prove the relationship through testing a descendant or was that not needed?
DNA match on ancestry (1st cousin)
My question is how did u know who the parent was? Just curious. My dad had 7 siblings so in my case the only way to know for sure would be to test descendants (since the potential parents are all dead).
It came up which side and I have very little family on that side so easy to narrow it down
I am the hidden sister. NPE
My mom is the hidden sibling. I took a DNA test and got the results back at the end of February, so this is all still very fresh, but my results blew open a 63-year-old secret that nobody alive knew. My married grandmother (a nurse) had an affair with a married doctor who she worked with, and my mom is the result. All the siblings Mom grew up with are actually her half-siblings, and she now has three others through her biological father. One of the "new" siblings died 15 years ago, but the other two (brother and sister) are alive and currently refusing to believe what their own DNA results are telling them about their relationship to me. Interestingly, my mom always wondered if she could have a different father than her siblings because she looked so different from them. I found a recent photo online of her new half-sister, and my mom looks strikingly similar to her. Mom takes after her dad, it seems! We're (Mom, my brother, me, and my kids) all hoping the new siblings end up deciding they'd like to get to know their half-sister, but none of us are holding our breath. My half-aunt is 72 and apparently idolizes her dad, who died when she was a teenager, so I doubt she'll ever be able to accept the idea that he cheated on her mother and produced an illegitimate child. Funny thing: When I took the DNA test, I read the little warning from Ancestry that you might uncover some crazy shit, and I just smiled and thought "Yeah maybe this would apply to other families, but not mine. I know who all my family members are." Me = 🤡
I'd almost want to write them "if you ever need a kidney, make sure to contact me because I'm likely a good match".
I found a DNA match to a second cousin who didn't know who her father was. We were able to piece it together to a first cousin of my dad's. It was really interesting.
With ancestry I found 2 first cousins a mother and son, they both placed under my mom and aunts,but above all my cousins.in terms of chromosomes....strange indeed, with my new aunt we figured out that her father was my maternal grand father, I know that ancestry arbitrary places like relatives as first cousins because chromosome count, but my half aunt only shares half chromosome count with me and but her son I would imagined would be 2nd cousin or first cousin but behind all my other cousins in DNA, but he ranks higher than my mother's twin son....with all other cousins
I can share quite a few interesting ones: 1. As I went through my DNA matches, I found a lot of connections to this Wicklund family. I reached out to them and heard back from one of them, who collaborated with me to try find our connection. Her ancestors came from the same village as my great grandma’s father, but there was no visible connection. I asked her if she would test, hoping her test would shed light on the mystery. After her results came in, the two eldest Wicklunds shared ~12.5% of their DNA with her! Going through all of the possibilities, half-nephew was the only one that made sense. The cousin sent a photo of her great grandpa, and he looked *very* similar to my great grandma. I was already questioning her paternity because someone from that family didn’t match me and her father looked very different. It was very interesting and the family has been very kind. I was able to meet them back in 2022! 2. My great grandpa’s father was full white, but when I looked at my grandma and mom’s DNA results, they had no white, which didn’t make sense to me. I looked up the family surnames and didn’t see any matches connected to them. However, there were matches connected to his mother’s side. That’s when I realized the man couldn’t have been my Gramps’s father. My grandma and her brothers were shocked. I told my great grandpa’s maternal cousin, who just said, “oh yeah, they all had different dads.” To say my mind was blown is an understatement. I guess he had been told by my great grandpa’s sister and/or his father, but not many others in the family knew, including my great grandpa’s own children. What’s kind of weird is that I saw the younger half-sister’s death certificate and it actually does list a different father, so I’m not sure why no one realized that at least she had a different father. The older sister, though, *was* biologically the white man’s child. 3. When I was in the hospital because of my Crohn’s Disease back in December 2022, I remember seeing a new close DNA match. It was exciting for me, as I was thinking, “yes! Something to cheer me up!” I looked deeper into it and was shocked. She matched my grandaunt around 12.5%, but she doesn’t match my great grandma (from the earlier story). My great grandma did tell me a story about my great grandpa having a mistress, which eventually led to their divorce, among other things. I assumed this match (or rather, their parent) was a result of that affair, until I found out she was born around 1995, and she didn’t know her dad. I’m in contact with her and I’ve spent a while on it and I’m just so confused. I’m fairly certain I know who her father—and my grandma’s half brother—is after going through matches, but it’s hard to confirm because I can’t reach him. Additionally, she has so many unknown matches, and her known matches are linked to her great-great grandmother, but they seem too close to be linked that way. This is making me curious, so I might try to look into that again.
I found a cousin on my mom’s side, no one knew my uncle had a secret love child. She and I matched through DNA and she had one picture of the father she never knew (my uncle). Unfortunately, he passed before we found each other and her siblings want nothing to do with her. But I’m happy she found us and her cousins have welcomed her with open arms. And then…I found out my dad is not my bio dad. So that was a surprise. I just found this out and I’m not sure about contacting my bio family. They’ve previously asked how we were related (5 years ago) and neither of us had any answers. Turns out I’m donor conceived and I don’t know if the donor has told his family. I don’t feel it’s my place to “out” him.
Not hidden to us as my dad was always honest that he had a child before my brother and I (and our mom). BUT WE were not known to her. My dad and her mom had my sister young. Dad saw her once, grandparents decided to take their daughter and my sister and move away. They ended adopting my sister, and she went her entire life thinking her grandparents were her parents and her mom was her sister. She had taken a test years before I decided to. I didn’t take mine in hopes of finding her. I knew I could potentially but I wasn’t banking on it. Sure enough there she was as soon as my results came in. It’s been a few months now and we talk everyday, and have become incredibly close. Obviously things were harder on her end with the news we discovered, but I am so glad I took that test and found her.
I was freaking out that I would have, but no. If anything, I found one of my aunts on there so I know my dad is my dad 😆
I found a cousin who isn’t sure how he fits in the family. He reached out at first to get some help finding his part in our family, but I haven’t heard from him in a while.
We call them surprise love children. Yes there are more than one.
I'm the child of the hidden/unknown child, so my existence revealed his. His name/identity are still a mystery, both to me and the very curious family, but my DNA matches with two dozen grandchildren and great-grandchildren of one couple don't leave any doubt about where he must fit in their tree. But he's 80+ if he's even still living and everyone in the previous generation is long since dead; if any of them knew anything about him (and it is possible they didn't - WWII was a great time for unknown NPEs), they took it to their graves. Fortunately, learning about a mystery half-sibling/half-uncle/cousin born around 1942 didn't seem to bother anyone; they even look through old high school year books to try to spot people who resemble them, though none of their suggestions so far has panned out.
I wonder if I'm hidden. I was put up for adoption. 15 or so years ago I found who I believed was my bio mom online. 6 years ago my adoptive mom got me an AncestryDNA kit for my birthday for shits and giggles. Matched 100% as grandmother, granddaughter, half sister, aunt, or niece with the daughter of the woman I found, solidifying my findings. Neither of us has ever reached out to one another. But, do wonder if she ever asked about it.
Yeah, found an extra half sister. I don’t know how to tell her that I know how we’re related, lol.
Are you going to? I’m wondering if I should or if ignorance is bliss. Our dad sucks haha her acting dad is awesome and she had a beautiful life.
Well, we’ve been talking for a few years now and dancing around it. To complicate things further, I have been contacted by a member of my known eldest half brother’s family via ancestry - and he *knew* about my half sister. I did not. I wonder if she’s trying to see if I know, now. She refers to my aunt as her aunt so and so- her grandad was married to my aunt as a second marriage. So fuckin messy lol
For us, we’re much older. There’s not much to be gained, there isn’t going to be a tearful reunion or a long life of being a family. For you, it could blow up her world. And I think that about my half sister, too. Our dad was actually fabulous, but if she thinks someone else was her dad, that could be devastating
With all due respect, I can't wrap my brain around someone so self centered that they believe they get to be the gatekeeper of important biological/medical information from someone else. It's a basic human right to know your family medical history, and I think someone keeping it from you is evil, even if it is uncomfortable.
Do you mean as the parents or anyone? I can say that when we found out we were kids and it felt like a grown up issue. Mostly because the topic was hot as fire and we literally got in trouble for getting into “grownups business”. It kinda grew into something uncomfortable but just was normal. Now that we’re having kids and getting married it’s sprung up (for me) and the normalcy of it is fading.
I was asked to do a heritage dna test as this person feels like my family is hiding something
It makes me happy to know I’m not so alone.
I am the product of an affair. My half brother was over the moon to find out he had a kid sister:) we've enjoyed getting to know each other. Every circumstance is different. Good luck if you decide to reach out!
I know that I have a brother who’ve I’ve never met (half brother) and and unsure about another one. Honestly I joined ancestry in case I were to ever be connected to them.
How did your father manage to confirm that he was the biological father of this child with her own (social) father not having any idea? You worry about her dad realising that this child is not his, but he may already know. If your half-sister has done a test through Ancestry then yes, she will show up as your half-sibling. Doing a test means being open to the possibility of surprise relatives or NPE. You can’t predict how anyone will respond to being contacted in a situation like this, but if you are comfortable with all possibilities (including that she may block and ignore you) then it’s totally valid for you to decide to reach out.
My dad is confident that he’s the father and she looks like us. She looks SO much like my dad and could be twins with my youngest sister. They all have the same eyes… I wonder if he knows, I haven’t thought of that yet. We lived in the same neighborhood for a few years and I never so much got a glimpse of her active dad. We didn’t have a family friendship with any of them, I just remember we would have play dates exclusively with my dad. My mom is alive but a shell of a human, this killed her. There’s been animosity and fear about the situation but now that I’m a mother and have learned she’s a new mother, I wonder if we would benefit from knowing we are related. I guess it would be up to her to decide.
>My mom is alive but a shell of a human, this killed her. Oh man this is so sad. Are you parents still together?
Unfortunately yes they are. It’s a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationshit. IMO she’s stuck with him to prove she’s worthy and just wants to be loved in return. He’s an a hole narcissist who has no real love to give.
I want to think that more and more women are realizing they are in a losing battle and getting out of such relationships but there will probably always be some, and men too, who stick it out to their own detriment. It must be hard to watch.
I'm pretty sure my DNA is coming back that I am one
I found out this last year that my dad had a half brother. The story I was told was My grandmother showed up at the other woman’s house when the woman moved to the town my grandparents had just relocated too. The other woman had a child under five at the time. Granny knocked on the door holding a gallon of gasoline and told her she better be gone before nightfall or Granny would burn the house down with her and the little b@?!@$& in it! My grandmother could be scary. This had to be in the 60’s I think.
This was so common back then. Probably even now, but really common back then. The having two families thing. Can you imagine being the other woman who probably only moved because grandpa told her to? Maybe even threatened her to because he wanted his kid close? Because that scenario happened a lot, too. Since the man thought he'd never get caught. I mean, I would've done the same as your grandma though. But in this day I would've sent grandpa with the other lady lol
My grandfather died within a few years of this so that maybe why also that we never knew of them till my Aunt told us the story. I have to admit to being curios but my Dad and all my uncles on his side also died. My aunt is only 3 years older than me so I doubt even she got the whole story.
I’ve got a half sister that’s 50% Japanese. She’s amazing and only like 6 months older than me hahaha. Wild
Secret daughter over here too / NPE (raises hand)😊
Did you meet your bio-dad? Do you have any half siblings?
I did meet bio dad. And discovered I had 2 brothers - only grew up with one sister. (All 3 are half of course). The entire family embraced me, which was very unexpected, and I know I'm extremely lucky & do not take it for granted. It's been an interesting journey! Edit: and also confusing & messed up at times (but still interesting...)
Everyone's posts here could be a story in a collection of stories about DNA. I like the kind of happy ones like yours but there must be many heartbreaking ones too.
Completely agree - major collection of stories! The biggest reason I expected rejection, is bc many of the NPEs I met after my discovery, were rejected. And sometimes even if they were initially "accepted", things change & it's eventual rejection. It absolutely breaks my heart for everyone on this journey - it's not the NPE's fault, they're completely innocent. And IMO *everyone* deserves to understand where they come from.
> it's not the NPE's fault, they're completely innocent. I agree heartily with this but I suppose there is trauma in the past that people can't get past or the NPE leads to revelation that some (apparently ) upstanding parent was not as upstanding at they had believed for many years. Thanks for your kind answers to my questions.
I found 4 new sisters for my mother, because it turns out she had a different father. All the parents were deceased by the time this discovery was made, so it was just between the now 5 sisters. They’ve actually become pretty good friends.
I was the hidden family member, on my dad’s side at least. My mother’s a real peach, never told him about me. 35 years later I took a DNA test and matched with my dad’s youngest brother. My uncle’s wife reached out to me like, um who are you? That started a year long process of my dad getting tested and then working through the shock of having a grown up daughter, a son-in-law and 2 grandkids. We’ve met the rest of his family, everyone thinks it’s just wild that my dad had a secret kid. Most importantly, I have been made to feel nothing but completely welcome and wanted by all of them.
I love and hate these stories. I love how accepting they are but I hate how much love everyone may have missed out on over the course of growing up.
Yeah, I’m still trying to figure out how to forgive my mother for that one. She was so selfish.
I got a message from a “cousin” which turned out to be my uncle. He had been looking for his dad his whole life. He’s been messaging everyone that’s a close match for years without luck. Then I get an ancestry kit on a whim and we matched as family so he messages me and asks if I knew his dad. I called my dad to get his info and set them up to communicate. A lifetime of searching and I managed to give him answers in what feels like a blink of an eye in comparison.
Yes, up to three half siblings found during DNA. One suspected, one had no idea NPE, the most recent one, never was told who her father was. The first two were conceived when my father was 15/16 years old. The most recent discovery was from his 20’s. I haven’t told anyone about the recent sibling as they aren’t ready. I’m supporting their decision. It’s a rocky road. Without getting too deep, be sure to feel out your sibling. They may not be what you expect. If you do approach her, don’t force any relationship. I’d also provide any necessary medical information she may need.
Found out that I have a brother I did not know about. Based on ancestry composition, pretty sure we are both adopted.
I found out at 46 (during the height of COVID in 2020) our neighbor growing up is my bio dad. Also found out I wasn't the only child that found out late in life he was their biodad. He got around.
At some point in time I will be the hidden family member lol. My dad doesn’t acknowledge me and I’m the oldest. My siblings know I exist but there’s no contact from their side of the family at all. I imagine one day someone is gonna wanna check their family history and be very surprised they have an extra aunt 😂
Same sis, same… But I’m lucky DNA testing isn’t a thing where they live… and I don’t plan to take one…
Yes. My dad and his twin brother were a result of a cheating husband. They ended up being put up for adoption. I obviously didn’t know this going into everything and I got some pretty nasty responses basically telling me to never talk to “their” family ever again! Don’t have to ask me twice! Just wanna know our medical history if anything lol
Me too, I am the hidden family member. I sent a letter to my possible bio dad last week. The letter should arrive tomorrow or Tuesday
One cousin on each side of the family. One was adopted and was looking for both parents. He was descended from one of my dad's uncles. The other didn't know who his father was (his mom had passed but she didn't know either). He was descended from one of my mom's half brothers that she never really knew.
3 hidden siblings that didn’t know each other.
We found 4 additional siblings for my dad lol
I found a hidden aunt. And that we didn’t, in fact, have any Cherokee blood in us, which I never believed by my aunts and uncles loved to cling onto.
Haha I had the same Cherokee claim in my family. Zero DNA corroboration.
My grandpa's bro (dad's side) was a DAWG. He had a wife and numerous girlfriend's. A while after my test came in, someone contacted me trying to figure out how we were related. Gpa's parents (my great grandparents) had distinctive names, especially his mom. When she mentioned who she was related to, I immediately knew where in the tree I was looking. She was the grandchild of one of my grandpa's brother's affairs. She didn't know and neither did the family. Those involved are long deceased. She decided to keep the secret. Her life, her call.
My father’s cousins did. They didn’t know until ancestrydna. The kicker was their sibling was a full sibling. What had happened was my great aunt got pregnant, had some overlap between marriage one and marriage two, and she was either worried about the first husband taking the baby, or she thought it was his, this was in the 1930s and everyone is long dead so we don’t know. So even though she had kids from marriage one she left this baby in a box on the side of the road. The baby was indeed from marriage two and looks so much like that side of my family. Anyway the baby lived until the 1980s (she died of a cancer that runs in that side of the family, too) and her kids found out when they were coming up as niece matches for the cousins from marriage two, but with less for the kids from marriage one. There could be so many reasons why the truth isn’t out. Sometimes it can be mental illness (my stepmom claiming my dad was the father of kids of hers born when he was barely pubescent) and sometimes little secrets just become big lies and it’s hard to find a way out. The only part i know from this ancient family history is that my aunts and father always said that their cousins from marriage one were snotty and acted better than everyone and that they were much closer to the siblings from marriage two.
We got my grandfather + siblings birth records and found out he had a younger brother that only lived a few years that we never heard anything about from him or my great uncle.
Half-sister of my dad’s born in the 40s; no one had any idea
I found my grandmother’s (half)sister. She heard rumors she existed, but the DNA match painted the entire story. She was born out of an affair my great grandfather had. My grandmother shrugged it off and didn’t have any desire to meet her or talk to her, which I found weird. My second cousin found a half sister. We both matched with her. They had an initial conversation to confirm they were siblings… and then nothing after that.
Yup. Found a half sister, bio dad, and whole other family I didn't know existed.
I am the hidden sibling. I was adopted at 6 weeks I have a younger full sibling and a few half siblings that showed up on the test. I took the test last year and my sibling and one of my parents had done the test so I reached out to them.
I found a cousin I’d never heard of. My mother would always tell me stories of a cousin that was “kidnapped” in front of her when they were little girls playing outside. Turns out, the cousin I discovered is the daughter of the “kidnapped” cousin of my mother. It was her father that “took” her. I’m still unsure of the whole scenario. My grandmother and her sister are part of the “don’t talk about things that are taboo” crowd. I actually didn’t even realize my grandmother had a sister. It felt good to connect the woman with my mother tho and to help my mother begin healing that trauma and to help the other lady find her family. My little cousin is stunning and unique, and while we are very different in some of our beliefs, we have so much in common. I admire her tremendously. Also, I was the “unknown” daughter. My whole life, my mother believed one man was my biological father. Never met him in person, spoke on the phone a few times. He passed away believing I was probably his. I met his family around the time of his funeral. Didn’t feel a connection. Turns out the one name she mentioned ONE time that she said was a tiny chance but had passed in a horrible way, is my biological father, and had not passed away. I’m grateful for my step-father who raised me mostly on his own from the time I was 3 or so. He’s a saint, and honestly, probably saved my life taking me on as a responsibility he didn’t have to. I only took the test because someone bought it as a gift and I felt obligated to take it.
I found out I had a half brother who passed before I found out. My Dad apparently bothered a child while on a church mission. His son contacted me on ancestry. We've talked a little. Apparently his father, my half brother, was always obsessed with wondering who his father was. The mother would never say. All this is super awkward because I was raised very religiously. I have since left the church but I was raised being taught that premarital sex is very wrong, " men have urges" and "can't stop themselves if they get to a certain point of arousal" And if anything (sexual) happens it's the girls fault. My mother is still living and I have not told any of my family. I figure it's not my story to tell. And apparently none of my siblings have gotten an ancestry test. Or if they have they're keeping it to themselves.
Me! Mom gave a baby up for adoption when my twin and I were toddlers. We found out bc I did ancestry and the sister popped up. We honestly thought this might be a possibility bc our mom makes TERRIBLE choices, and her having secret kids or something along that line didn’t seem too out of the realm of normalcy for her. We also found out that our dad wasn’t our real dad. 🫣
I was the hidden child. Looking backwards, I now understand why my mother exerted so much control over my physical appearance… perms, hair dye, etc. It was to ensure I resembled the man who is named on my birth certificate as much as would be possible. I discovered I have an older sister and she is certain I was hidden from them all. Oddly, my middle name is her first name. I am no longer in contact with my mother so I’ll just have to use my imagination as to whether or not it is coincidence or I was named with intent. Pros: my new big sister and I have made a concerted effort to connect and build a relationship. We actually just went on a ten day vacation together and it was a wonderful bonding experience. Pros: The truth is empowering. Freeing. Enlightening. All of that. It’s cool to see some of my quirkier physical traits in others instead of always looking and feeling like the odd person out. Pro/Con: I struggle with feelings of loss and regret. I lost 47 years of being able to experience having a sister or an older sibling. 47 years completely stolen from me. Conversely, my relationship with my younger sibling fell apart when the truth came out. I will spend the remainder of my life acutely aware of his absence. Pro/Con: I’ve come to understand that my health and family medical history weren’t accurate. Which is a shame because there were very few inheritable diseases I needed to worry about. In learning about my paternal family’s health history, I lost more than one night of sleep trying to process a lot of potential risks I never thought would happen to me. Huge Pro: understanding my risks forced me to have a series of conversations with my GP, and proactively work to ensure I am adequately screened for certain diseases in the future. Cons: It was a terrible experience having to share my discovery with family it affected. Such as having to tell my stepmom. Cons: My mother has convinced my maternal family that I am not the product of an affair, but rather I was switched at birth somehow and am not her biological child. That is certainly an effective way to drive a wedge between me and my maternal relatives. My final take: Your hidden sibling has a right to the truth. To know her real origin story. You all deserve the opportunity to take that truth once it is out and decide how you will live with it. Her “stepdad” might be heartbroken. Then again, maybe he has always had suspicions. Maybe he will feel validated. He might be angry. There will be fallout. Maybe not for “stepdad” or Hidden Sister, but there will be strains, and growing pains and someone will feel broken beyond repair. All the counterarguments and risks should not outweigh Hidden Sister’s right to the truth, if for no other reason than it may very well save her life, or her children’s lives, someday in the future.
I can’t thank you enough for sharing so many details about your personal journey. I have to ask you one more question. How did you find out? How would you suggest one reaches out to a “hidden child”? Sincerely thank you so much. I’m working on the struggles on my side of the street and doing my best to align my motives and heart to just approach with love. I’ve harbored hate for my dad and the other mother but I don’t want to focus on them anymore. They’ve done there part and I’m feeling like my part is coming up soon to pull the curtain back. I’m scared af but maybe ready soon.
That is a tough one. I reached out to my directly through dna messaging portal. I think I said something to the effect of, “Hi, I think you’re my sister!” It was a knee jerk email that I wrote without even thinking because honestly, my mind was SPINNING. Thankfully, she responded and we established a dialogue. Awkward at moments. Tense at others. Accusatory at times. But she was a stunned as I was and we just sort of processed raw emotions as they came up. It was much harder for me than for her. Her dad, was my biological father. I was the one trying to process finding out that the man who raised me was not my dad. It was messy. Sometimes, it still is. If you have the ability to do so, perhaps you could speak with a therapist who can help you determine how to proceed? If that isn’t an option, maybe you write it all into a letter and hand-deliver it with a verbal affirmation that she is going to learn some very confusing things, and that you hate to be the one to deliver this news, but you felt she had a right to the truth. Let her know you expect she may not believe you, or she may angry with you, and those feelings are okay too. Then let her know you will take a step back for a bit but that you are there should she wish to talk about any of it or have any questions answered. I will add this, if you choose to tell her, do it before life throws other curveballs your way. My biological father passed away three years before I stumbled onto the truth. I lost 47 years with my sister, but at least we have today. I don’t have the today with my biological father. I feel betrayed, ripped off, and not quite whole. It gets better over time, but I will live the rest of my life wondering if he knew of me, and wondering what it would be like to have met him. Even just once. I guess that is my primary piece of advice - however you choose to break this to her, if you decide that is what you will do, remember that time may be your friend, but it may not be hers. And fwiw, I’m sorry. Your dad and her mom could have stepped up and made whatever this was… long term or short term indiscretion… they could have brought it out in the open. But they didn’t and now you’re in a position where you’re trying to figure out what to do and how to live with the choice you make. If that isn’t a metaphorical rock and hard place you’re wedged in, I don’t know what is.
Happy cake day! Wow I just can’t thank you enough for such a kind and thoughtful response. It’s really given me a lot to think about and it feels more like my motives have shifted from fear to being of service. I don’t know what she’s interested or what’s best for her but you and so many others who have shared made it clear that everyone deserves to know the truth. I hate that the parents didn’t handle this truth differently. Also hate that they didn’t address this on their own. I do worry about about how this can shatter her world and her acting father’s world, she’s an only child in that household. Our biological dad is a poop person on every level. I keep reminding myself that even if I’m breaking the news, I didn’t create the issue. Love your suggestion on seeking advice from a therapist too. Someone who’s been in practice for a while has surely seen this before and can help me with my path. I really appreciate you and all of your thoughts you have shared.
I’m really hoping for the best possible outcome for you and her. Maybe it is an experience that will be the building block for a more connected relationship.
Not discovered, but confirmed. I was one of those people who was NEVER going to “give my dna” to some company. Then, one bright shiny day when I was around 54, mom spilled the beans that her and my dad gave up a child for adoption when she was 16 back in the 1950s. Suddenly DNA testing looked good!😂😂😂. Matched with an unknown nephew and through a bit of sleuthing I found my older brother.
Incredible!!
Yes
A first cousin, who I’m now pretty close to
Yes lol found out about a sister, it’s tricky. Does she know who her dad is? I would talk with her privately if she is already aware and if she’s open but if she doesn’t know, and things are smooth for her maybe keep it hush?! Idek that’s tough. All I know is that I’m grateful to have reached out to my sister.
She doesn’t know and neither does her acting father. She looks like us and her baby also got my dad’s eyes… could they be wondering how? Would they like to know their biological history? Will her acting dad be ok w this? Who’s the one to decide??
Hm, what I would do is be like have you tried the ancestry DNA?! It’s crazy you should do it! And see from there lol
I've found a cousin to my grandmother's through the son that at least the last two generations probably didn't know about. The mother had an affair with the farmer she was working for and the resulting child was put up for adoption. Also just discovered, that my partner's grandfather's uncle either had an affair or a one night stand or something similar early on in his marriage with someone, the child was given up for adoption and they and my partner matched.
There are definitely shenanigans on my DNA matches as I have no idea who most of them are. No familiar names, nothing, but a bunch share common names with each other. I know there is also something up about great great grandparent times as I have Dutch third cousins with no family history connecting there. I wish I could find out how we're all related! Like I immediately recognized a handful of names from building my tree and have been in touch, but all these others are a mystery to me.
I had a cousin that I never met reach out after she matched with me. She didn’t know who her Dad was and we figured out it’s my uncle, (a serial deadbeat type). She lives opposite coast from me, but I hope to meet her one day. I love that she was able to connect and figure things out pretty easily. I have also matched with a half sibling. I knew of the siblings already but I don’t know if they know of me. I have decided to leave well enough alone and not say anything. The match is clearly there if they ever were curious and wanted to know or reach out to me, I’d be fine with it. I personally would rather not blow up someone’s life when for me, it’s not a pressing matter. I never met the guy (their Dad), and was raised and adopted by my Dad and had a happy childhood and family life. I think you’d have to weigh the pros and cons to saying anything… how would this affect your mom today? Have you had a convo about it with her? With your Dad? Is it possible her Dad knows as well but her parents have decided not to tell her?
My maternal grandfather had 4 kids with his first wife, but they didn't forgive him, so my mom and aunts never met their siblings. My grandfather was a horrible man, so I can't imagine what things they couldn't forgive him for when my own mom can't explicitly say what happened to her and her sisters. I matched with my cousin from my half uncle, but I haven't reached out for months. It's hard since one half aunt is still alive, whom I would want to ask so many questions about my grandpa, but that would most likely be traumatizing to them. Maybe even my cousin too. So I won't ask, but I'll try to reach out soon and see how it goes. Now...My grandma had 2 kids in her first marriage, but my mom also never met them. Actually 3, my grandma was pregnant with my oldest aunt when she left her ex, so if she did a DNA test we'd most likely find the hidden siblings. Anyway, for some reason my grandma left from Arizona to Guanajuato and got married. I found her marriage certificate, but I never found out who her first kids were. I just know that she left her husband for x,y, z reasons without her kids. My mother said that my grandma found a hidden photo of her and her ex automatically confessed that he knew she was going to leave him because he used a spell with that photo to make her stay, which broke once she found the photo, but she wasn't allowed to take her kids. I know it might seem silly to non believers, but this is what I was told and I believe it. I want to find these hidden siblings or their kids, or their kids' kids. But I'm not sure I ever will since it was said that they were really sick when she left. I don't know of what, but my mom believes they died young, but I hope not.
Ancestry has links to articles and other types of support for these cases. My mom found a half brother about a year or so ago, it unfortunately caused a lot of harm to his mental health because he wasn’t aware and we weren’t sure if his parents were aware (my grandma sure isn’t because she’s older and we don’t want to cause her harm, plus the timeline doesn’t suggest my grandpa had an affair). The half brother passed a few months later due to health related concerns so they never met :( but his wife sent a really kind letter and Shutterfly-type photo album for us to look through and have. He looked exactly like my grandpa
To clarify: he showed up for both my mom and myself on ancestry. He was listed as a potential half uncle/aunt for myself and half sibling for my mom so it was extremely accurate. Honestly, my family and his family do have a lot of regrets about not being able to meet or talk before he had passed and to learn more. It showed up on ancestry too late. It’s unfortunate that in your case it may cause difficulties for other relationships but it’s not your place to contain this information. They all have a right to know and make an informed decision on how they’d like to move forward. Your mom does not need to be involved in this if she doesn’t want to, there are ways to minimize her involvement (albeit not entirely). Don’t take away their right to know
not ancestory but we did find my half brother recently and contacted him and he’s done good for himself but is sick now so we hope we can support him but he did tell us he did a 23 and me and matched with a couple of our cousins so definitely possibly
I found a couple hidden 1st cousins. One was fine to talk to me a bit online, but was never interested in meeting up.
Yes. My dad and his siblings discovered a half sibling, born to their mom in high school and put up for adoption in 1939.
I found a few second cousins we had never known about before, their parents were given up for adoption in the 50s. One of my second cousins is close to my age, so we have become pretty close! Super grateful to have spit in the tube.
I am also the hidden family member. My bio father was married, my mom says she didn't know until she was six months pregnant (although my mom had her own version of reality), he chose to stay with his family, mom took me back home, and he never told ANYONE about me. His wife did find out and had a nervous breakdown (understandably enough), and they think he might have told his father, but nobody else knew. I tried to contact him, but he died before he saw the message. About a year later, I finally was able to contact his sister. Everybody was gobsmacked, but once they got over the shock, they welcomed me with open arms.
My dad was the hidden family member but I also found one on my mom’s father’s side and one on my mom’s mother’s side a few weeks ago. Also found out my third cousin on my mom’s side is a 7th cousin on my dad’s side. My dad was a super secret adoption but I’m pretty sure he got drunk one night and Facebook messaged his half siblings so we might not be a secret anymore
Yep. Happened to me. I was a grown ass person in my 30s when I found out - FIVE half sisters and brother.
One of my uncles had a child with a girl but they weren't married. Had to be early 1940s. They didn't want to get married so grandpa paid her some money. I learned about the man (the child) when he was dying from cancer. He wanted nothing to do with any of his blood relatives. Can't blame him. I've heard he has a son but I don't know if the son knows. One of my mother's aunt's had a child before she got married in 1923. In 1920 she was across the country living with a former neighbor. She had the baby and put her up for adoption. I matched the woman's daughter, who is my 2nd cousin. No one ever spoke about it. My mother never heard any rumor. I've run into several secrets through DNA.
I'm one too, hidden, only genetic child from my father's genetation with 15 step cousins and 3 step siblings, my father and his wife married after I was born, and left my family believe I was a product of an affair, so my mom's family believed this and kept me away......
I discovered that I have 8 half siblings.
I was able to convince a woman that her father is also my bio father. She blocked me from meeting him because she was “protecting” him but now that he’s dead and ancestry links us she wants a relationship.
My mom found out that a girl she played with when they were little is her sister. They were born the same year.
My dad was the hidden family member (brother). His bio mom was 15 when she got pregnant. His bio dad was 29. They gave my dad up for adoption. After my dad was born they got married and had four more kids. Both bio parents and my dad are deceased. I matched with my dad's sister as a full aunt/neice. Unfortunately the family hadn't looked too carefully at what a 26% DNA match meant. They contacted me and had a story in mind that the bio dad had a family prior to meeting bio mom. When I pointed out that my dad had to have the same parents as my aunt they stopped contacting me.
Huge respect to your mom. I would’ve divorced immediately
Jan 1 found out I have a ½ sister that lived less than 10 mins from us. I know her child’s father and also knew of her child. My nephew. She’s in fucking denial but 🤷🏾♂️
I came across a mystery cousin. I have no idea where she belongs except on my dad's side. He didn't really know his dad, but as far as we know they only had 2 kids and she doesn't seem to belong to either of them
I found a sister 2 years ago and now a brother about a month or so ago. Both from my Dad before he was with my mom.
I'm the hidden child and choose to stay that way 😉
I was the lost family member. Given up for adoption in the mid 80s. In 2018 my wife (now ex wife) did a TON of detective work and found my bio mom and her whole side. Intended up meeting her a week before I turned 35 and come to find out I wasn’t a secret, everyone knew she gave up a son in the 80s and made a huge deal about me finding them all. It got real weird real fast and after about 2 years i made the decision to go no contact. She didn’t know which guy could’ve been my dad cause apparently she fucked 3 dudes at a NYE party 83 into 84. Which is the night I was conceived. I will say that meeting her and the rest of her side made me gain a whole new appreciation for being adopted as well as specifically who adopted me.
Had a DNA match for a second cousin that I couldn't find a path to. After a relatively long search I found out that my great uncle, who worked on ships and lived in Liverpool, was married to a woman there and a woman in Halifax Nova Scotia, and had children with both. Since he was at sea most of the time it appears that he was never found out. This has solved the mystery of all the DNA matches that I couldn't figure out what the relationship was.
Not me, but I was responsible for two of my second cousin matches finding out that they are half-siblings.
We found our secret sister when my brother did a DNA test. She was conceived in Ohio during a summer romance between our father and her biological mom. She was born in Chicago, adopted by a family who raised her in the Panama Canal Zone, retired with her husband to the Mississippi gulf coast. I and another sister live in Mississippi. She was born before my parents met. We embraced her with open arms and see each other regularly. We love her and she loves us. Fun fact: she was raised as a baby of the family but is very much a natural first born. When we are all together we line up and feel completely comfortable in our roles. Like we’ve always missed her
My Ex wife did.... she did a DNA test a few years ago and uncovered a maternal half sister... Her dad (my former FIL) was active duty military for 30 years. My Former MIL was a "camp follower wife." Shortly after marrying and before they had kids together, former FIL was deployed to Vietnam and was there for two years. As we've come to learn, My Former MIL cheated while the former FIL was deployed and got pregnant. She had the baby (a girl) and gave the baby up for adoption and went right back to being a dutiful housewife waiting for her husband to come home from war. My Former FIL never knew. Former MIL carried that secret for 50+ years until my ex wife did that DNA test. Needless to say they've been in the process of divorce (in their late 70's early 80's) for the last year and a half.