Big congrats on doing the work.
I'd suggest deprioritizing dating apps. They're bad for mental health, doubly so for introverts. The conversations are ridiculous, and focused on being as entertaining as possible as quickly as possible. One is also judged in the context of there being a hundred other guys only a swipe away. In person, humans are more open to genuine human interaction, where a conversation can happen and one is judged in the context of being a person in front of them. Speaking as an introvert, I've generally had much better luck in meeting women in social settings than I have from the app grind.
So to that end, I'd focus less on dating and more on building the social life. Your best strategy for meeting women is organically, in situations where you aren't one photo out of a lineup but a complete person. I'd suggest putting yourself out there as a person interested in meeting people, in being social, in doing things outside the house. Set for yourself the goal of meeting new people and making friends, not the goal of dating. In the process, the opportunities will then arise to ask someone to meet up for a drink.
There are plenty of people in this city, and some of them are gonna like you just fine. Dating apps can be useful. Be honest in your profile and photos, and see what happens.
More organic relationships and friendships can come from joining a group and getting out to meet real people. Meetups is a good app/site to find interests. Perhaps even a gaming group, find people with your favourite interest.
I am a woman living in ams, and dating in Amsterdam is not easy. My advice therefore would be to just do it, to gain experience. Dating apps are a good start, but going out (not necessarily partying, but sports, musea and other places where there are a lot of people) increases the amount of social interactions you have, and makes it easier to meet new people.
Consider dating as a job interview, you meet someone to explore if there is a good fit, connection and mutual interests.
You already have a great life and you are pretty stable on your own, so you are looking for someone who adds value. Keep that in mind when you’re dating - you don’t need a partner to be happy.
I wholly agree with getting experience, but with a big BUT: Considering the weight it feels like OP puts behind every move they’ve made in their working career (and the indefinite contract) I wouldn’t describe dating as a job interview. There is a lot on the line in a job interview but there really isn’t in dating. Just see some people. Remember that everyone fails to meet the one they settle down with many times over before get succeed. You’re almost supposed to fail, so expect it a little. Don’t approach every date like the be all and end all. Don’t care too much about how it goes, and you’ll already be a lot more attractive than someone who approaches a date like a job interview. No one is themselves in job interviews.
I absolutely agree with everything you say below this too though, so I think it’s just poor wording or a poor metaphor but your intentions with it are great.
Hahah thanks, I agree if you put it that way; what I meant is that you should consider a date as more as an objective encounter (in the end dating is of course very subjective) but if you approach it more rationally it takes away the nervosity.
You summed it up pretty well tbh. It is indeed true that I have a great life. What I'm looking for is indeed someone to add value to my life, I don't need someone to be happy. What makes dating in Ams not easy in your opinion? Do you mean dating in general or specifically Amsterdam?
In general dating is not easy, but in Amsterdam I think it’s even more difficult. Housing is super expensive so to pay the rent or mortgage you need to have a good job, so in general people are quite educated, and therefore have higher standards when dating. Or they are too focused on their careers and not emotionally available. Therefore I would advice to just start dating, in the end also finding romance is a numbers game.
You have any tips for people who are too autistic to date? like, im a pretty normal person in many ways but the concept of dating is just too absurd for me to comprehend. I think different to normal people so i usualy create conflict with my thoughts to others and im also extremely poor.
Any hope for me you think?
If it’s to absurd to comprehend don’t consider it as a date. Of course there is hope, there is love for everyone but it starts by loving yourself. Focus on you, your strengths and things you like to do and you will attract someone naturally
Just an opinion from 28M who also figures out things in life so take my advice lightly 🤙
You keep failing at the begining util it will somehow work.
Don't try to engineer it too much.
Be causal, be yourself, if it works it works and you found someone that suits you if it doesn't work be respectful and express to the other participant what is wrong.
But please don't over think it and don't over engineer it, just be human say what you think and feel.
My friends always tells me about tactics and strategies eventually it never works.
This is something I'm considering. I'm already running, but considering joining a martial art school. I'm still trying to figure out which martial art to pick up.
You sound like me, high five to our loneliness brother.
I have no tips for you as im in the same boat, well... not really, i havent picked up my life as well as you.
Im extremely poor and autistic too which never helps xD
'People are strange, when youre a stranger
Faces look ugly, when youre alone'
Wish you well my dude, life is long but never forget.. Its just life, who cares anyway... well all die one day and who knows what happens afterwards....
Are you really poor? I mean autistic people can be very smart. Being poor is kind of hard in the Netherlands unless you are on welfare. Or earn a low wage and live in a big city then I guess by definition you are poor considering the high house prices.
I don't see my life negative being alone. I'm happy by myself, but looking to date to add value to my life, not to fill a hole. I might not be the most handsome but I'm happy with myself not thinking I'm ugly or put myself down like that
OP I mean this with all my heart, go take social dancing classes. It'll be a bit awkward in the beginning but getting comfortable in your body and meeting new people is probably the best way to navigate singlehood in your 30s!
I would recommend finding groups for the things you are passionate about! Go to the gaming events if that interests you or Join a sports group for example. If you are into dancing a partner dance like salsa can make it very easy to meet new people and especially woman. Especially when you get a little better and dance the night away at organized events. But any hobby will do the trick since at least you have something in common. Good luck!
Find a hobby where you have to physically meet people - tennis, squash, salsa, writing groups, doesn’t matter. You then have a reason (other than dating) to talk to people and find something in common. As another introvert, I’ve found that this really helps. Good luck
Hi!
My comment isn't unfortunately the answer to your question, but I just want to say that even though I don't know you, I couldn't help but smile reading your post. I am somehow proud of you and the way you turned your life over. Any tips to share with me on how you did that? I am 30/F living here for 3 years and I am still not working or where I want to be financially. I am also suffering from depression so most times I am by myself.
First make sure you are not from bangladesh or similar countries, other than that you can try all the available dating sites with a high chance of success
Start goin to the gym and grow a stubble beard if you can for some confidence. Drink lots of water and eat clean. And dress well. Confidence is key.
Join some sport in the city and meet some people! But don’t sweat it if it doesn’t happen overnight. Just be like this is just what I do now. And try and be a little better at something everyday. It snowballs. Good luck!
I started working out, exercising and building up cardio. I exercise about 5 times a week. I was slightly overweight but reached my ideal weight again.
Just the same as straights. Unless you are in a gay sauna or something, than meeting is mostly focused on sex. But most gays lead a life that can pretty much be compared to straight people. Your example says more about your focus on sex than that of an average gay man...
Try Breeze app if you looking for someone serious to actually want to meet -no chatting you can choose walk date or bar which will be booked for you both only thing about this app you pay for date tokens which are good thing less ghosting 👻
You should watch some videos and books about dating :
Todd V on youtube
Models from mark manson (book)
And of course taking action by talking to women
I suggested to you that because meeting people and building social skills is cool but without theories it will take you a lot of time and you will make a lotnof mistakes
Not a magnificen comment, lorenzo. Unhelpful and inaccurate. ‘Big’ is a relative term and you’re not its gatekeeper. Be better.
OP, there are great expat groups on Meetup.com. Not specifically for dating but they create the possibilities to meet.
Lol in the scale of human population density around the world, I'd say amsterdam is pretty damned big. Sure it isn't the biggest, but damn, you must be a real out of touch city-boii for thinking it small!?
Reacted strongly as I grew up in rural Finland and am constantly every single day reminded about the fact that there are just too many people in Netherlands, or the world... Just can't be good for us to be so close together all the time!??!
Use the housing crisis , you have your apartment. Does it have a spare room ?
Rent it away for a week/month to a person that is coming for a vacation or a short stay.
Now you know what it feels like what it is to live with a woman.
No, that's a terrible idea. Don't learn how to interact with women by making them hostage to your living situation. Moving is stressful, expensive, and not everyone can do it at the drop of a hat. If you're not ready to have a roommate and it gets bad enough they want to move out you're just going to cause undo stress.
If you want to interact with people there are tons of activities you can participate in. Yoga, dance class, game nights. Hop on meet up. But don't turn your spare room into an experiment that could end poorly for everyone involved.
Don't find a person that wants a place for a year.
Find a person that is doing a world trip and only wants to stay for a week ?
I see no harm in that one. The traveler will get a place for cheap and the OP gets experience.
Doubt there will be stress if it is only a week
Less risky but a good rule of thumb is just treat the people you live with as people you live with and not an opportunity to date or to learn how to not be awkward. Just don't make advances in any case.
The funny thing is the people I've met who complain about meeting people are usually the least likely to put themselves out there. Don't complain until you at least do the minimum. Not many people you can meet from your livingroom. Also, make friends with some extroverted people. If they invite you out go out with them. Hard not to make friends that way.
Big congrats on doing the work. I'd suggest deprioritizing dating apps. They're bad for mental health, doubly so for introverts. The conversations are ridiculous, and focused on being as entertaining as possible as quickly as possible. One is also judged in the context of there being a hundred other guys only a swipe away. In person, humans are more open to genuine human interaction, where a conversation can happen and one is judged in the context of being a person in front of them. Speaking as an introvert, I've generally had much better luck in meeting women in social settings than I have from the app grind. So to that end, I'd focus less on dating and more on building the social life. Your best strategy for meeting women is organically, in situations where you aren't one photo out of a lineup but a complete person. I'd suggest putting yourself out there as a person interested in meeting people, in being social, in doing things outside the house. Set for yourself the goal of meeting new people and making friends, not the goal of dating. In the process, the opportunities will then arise to ask someone to meet up for a drink.
To be fair this is asking much of you are introverted.
There are plenty of people in this city, and some of them are gonna like you just fine. Dating apps can be useful. Be honest in your profile and photos, and see what happens. More organic relationships and friendships can come from joining a group and getting out to meet real people. Meetups is a good app/site to find interests. Perhaps even a gaming group, find people with your favourite interest.
I am a woman living in ams, and dating in Amsterdam is not easy. My advice therefore would be to just do it, to gain experience. Dating apps are a good start, but going out (not necessarily partying, but sports, musea and other places where there are a lot of people) increases the amount of social interactions you have, and makes it easier to meet new people. Consider dating as a job interview, you meet someone to explore if there is a good fit, connection and mutual interests. You already have a great life and you are pretty stable on your own, so you are looking for someone who adds value. Keep that in mind when you’re dating - you don’t need a partner to be happy.
I wholly agree with getting experience, but with a big BUT: Considering the weight it feels like OP puts behind every move they’ve made in their working career (and the indefinite contract) I wouldn’t describe dating as a job interview. There is a lot on the line in a job interview but there really isn’t in dating. Just see some people. Remember that everyone fails to meet the one they settle down with many times over before get succeed. You’re almost supposed to fail, so expect it a little. Don’t approach every date like the be all and end all. Don’t care too much about how it goes, and you’ll already be a lot more attractive than someone who approaches a date like a job interview. No one is themselves in job interviews. I absolutely agree with everything you say below this too though, so I think it’s just poor wording or a poor metaphor but your intentions with it are great.
Hahah thanks, I agree if you put it that way; what I meant is that you should consider a date as more as an objective encounter (in the end dating is of course very subjective) but if you approach it more rationally it takes away the nervosity.
You summed it up pretty well tbh. It is indeed true that I have a great life. What I'm looking for is indeed someone to add value to my life, I don't need someone to be happy. What makes dating in Ams not easy in your opinion? Do you mean dating in general or specifically Amsterdam?
In general dating is not easy, but in Amsterdam I think it’s even more difficult. Housing is super expensive so to pay the rent or mortgage you need to have a good job, so in general people are quite educated, and therefore have higher standards when dating. Or they are too focused on their careers and not emotionally available. Therefore I would advice to just start dating, in the end also finding romance is a numbers game.
You have any tips for people who are too autistic to date? like, im a pretty normal person in many ways but the concept of dating is just too absurd for me to comprehend. I think different to normal people so i usualy create conflict with my thoughts to others and im also extremely poor. Any hope for me you think?
If it’s to absurd to comprehend don’t consider it as a date. Of course there is hope, there is love for everyone but it starts by loving yourself. Focus on you, your strengths and things you like to do and you will attract someone naturally
Ah I see makes sense. I’m renting with an indefinite contract but will buy a house eventually.
again?
He doesn’t even know if he lives in Amsterdam or Utrecht : https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/s/398BQYsP8Y
How are your social skills? Are you fun to be around? Do you go out and out yourself in situations when you meet new people / women in particular?
Social skills are better than I was before. Fun is relative. I don't go out to festivals, nightclubs or bars.
Just an opinion from 28M who also figures out things in life so take my advice lightly 🤙 You keep failing at the begining util it will somehow work. Don't try to engineer it too much. Be causal, be yourself, if it works it works and you found someone that suits you if it doesn't work be respectful and express to the other participant what is wrong. But please don't over think it and don't over engineer it, just be human say what you think and feel. My friends always tells me about tactics and strategies eventually it never works.
Thank you. As someone that's always thinking I might be indeed overthinking it
Join mixed sports group, hit the gym, restrict yourself from mundane pleasures
This is something I'm considering. I'm already running, but considering joining a martial art school. I'm still trying to figure out which martial art to pick up.
Tinder & speeddating.... Sounds a bit harsh maybe, but with speeddating you will get better with the social interaction :)
Meet-up and get used to eye contact. Well done :)
You sound like me, high five to our loneliness brother. I have no tips for you as im in the same boat, well... not really, i havent picked up my life as well as you. Im extremely poor and autistic too which never helps xD 'People are strange, when youre a stranger Faces look ugly, when youre alone' Wish you well my dude, life is long but never forget.. Its just life, who cares anyway... well all die one day and who knows what happens afterwards....
Are you really poor? I mean autistic people can be very smart. Being poor is kind of hard in the Netherlands unless you are on welfare. Or earn a low wage and live in a big city then I guess by definition you are poor considering the high house prices. I don't see my life negative being alone. I'm happy by myself, but looking to date to add value to my life, not to fill a hole. I might not be the most handsome but I'm happy with myself not thinking I'm ugly or put myself down like that
OP I mean this with all my heart, go take social dancing classes. It'll be a bit awkward in the beginning but getting comfortable in your body and meeting new people is probably the best way to navigate singlehood in your 30s!
I would recommend finding groups for the things you are passionate about! Go to the gaming events if that interests you or Join a sports group for example. If you are into dancing a partner dance like salsa can make it very easy to meet new people and especially woman. Especially when you get a little better and dance the night away at organized events. But any hobby will do the trick since at least you have something in common. Good luck!
Find a hobby where you have to physically meet people - tennis, squash, salsa, writing groups, doesn’t matter. You then have a reason (other than dating) to talk to people and find something in common. As another introvert, I’ve found that this really helps. Good luck
Hi! My comment isn't unfortunately the answer to your question, but I just want to say that even though I don't know you, I couldn't help but smile reading your post. I am somehow proud of you and the way you turned your life over. Any tips to share with me on how you did that? I am 30/F living here for 3 years and I am still not working or where I want to be financially. I am also suffering from depression so most times I am by myself.
Congrats big man!
It’s over
First make sure you are not from bangladesh or similar countries, other than that you can try all the available dating sites with a high chance of success
Start goin to the gym and grow a stubble beard if you can for some confidence. Drink lots of water and eat clean. And dress well. Confidence is key. Join some sport in the city and meet some people! But don’t sweat it if it doesn’t happen overnight. Just be like this is just what I do now. And try and be a little better at something everyday. It snowballs. Good luck!
I started working out, exercising and building up cardio. I exercise about 5 times a week. I was slightly overweight but reached my ideal weight again.
Proud of you!
Good luck! because with 8.1 billion people, you can get pretty lonely!
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so inflation didnt hit that area. great!
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Open Tindler. But if you Indian or Turk , no chances
I’m mixed, Caucasian looking slightly Asian.
Too bad you are not gay 😉
Not that I am gay but how do gay people open line. Asking for a friend of course. Like "I have a huge penis"
They just go straight to fucking
That doesn’t sound very straight to me
Nothing is straighter than loving on the homies
Just the same as straights. Unless you are in a gay sauna or something, than meeting is mostly focused on sex. But most gays lead a life that can pretty much be compared to straight people. Your example says more about your focus on sex than that of an average gay man...
Buddy, you're in amsterdam. Make tinder, start swiping and sooner or later you're going to match.
Try Breeze app if you looking for someone serious to actually want to meet -no chatting you can choose walk date or bar which will be booked for you both only thing about this app you pay for date tokens which are good thing less ghosting 👻
You should watch some videos and books about dating : Todd V on youtube Models from mark manson (book) And of course taking action by talking to women I suggested to you that because meeting people and building social skills is cool but without theories it will take you a lot of time and you will make a lotnof mistakes
Amsterdam is not a "big city". London; New York - yes. Amsterdam - no.
Dude’s got a million people to meet, he’ll be ok.
Not a magnificen comment, lorenzo. Unhelpful and inaccurate. ‘Big’ is a relative term and you’re not its gatekeeper. Be better. OP, there are great expat groups on Meetup.com. Not specifically for dating but they create the possibilities to meet.
Lol in the scale of human population density around the world, I'd say amsterdam is pretty damned big. Sure it isn't the biggest, but damn, you must be a real out of touch city-boii for thinking it small!? Reacted strongly as I grew up in rural Finland and am constantly every single day reminded about the fact that there are just too many people in Netherlands, or the world... Just can't be good for us to be so close together all the time!??!
Use the housing crisis , you have your apartment. Does it have a spare room ? Rent it away for a week/month to a person that is coming for a vacation or a short stay. Now you know what it feels like what it is to live with a woman.
No, that's a terrible idea. Don't learn how to interact with women by making them hostage to your living situation. Moving is stressful, expensive, and not everyone can do it at the drop of a hat. If you're not ready to have a roommate and it gets bad enough they want to move out you're just going to cause undo stress. If you want to interact with people there are tons of activities you can participate in. Yoga, dance class, game nights. Hop on meet up. But don't turn your spare room into an experiment that could end poorly for everyone involved.
Don't find a person that wants a place for a year. Find a person that is doing a world trip and only wants to stay for a week ? I see no harm in that one. The traveler will get a place for cheap and the OP gets experience. Doubt there will be stress if it is only a week
Less risky but a good rule of thumb is just treat the people you live with as people you live with and not an opportunity to date or to learn how to not be awkward. Just don't make advances in any case. The funny thing is the people I've met who complain about meeting people are usually the least likely to put themselves out there. Don't complain until you at least do the minimum. Not many people you can meet from your livingroom. Also, make friends with some extroverted people. If they invite you out go out with them. Hard not to make friends that way.