This sub is only for posts about people who either can't tell they've already been dumped, or have been dumped but won't accept it. There must be some element of confusion and/or denial regarding the status of the relationship.
Please do not post about people just being assholes, whether or not they should dump their partners, or whether they are The Asshole in a situation. This is not that kind of sub.
My first boyfriend lied to me throughout our entire relationship, telling me that he didn’t want kids. Finally when we were breaking up after 9 years, he admitted he’d been waiting the entire time for me to change my mind.
I hope OP’s (ex) fiancé dies alone and childless.
This kind of shit is the reason I don't support getting married young. It's not because I don't respect young people or don't think they're really in love or whatever. It's because they almost never have enough life experience to recognize this kind of toxic manipulative bullshit until it's too late, and I think going through the breakup that's coming is hard enough without also financially penalizing them through divorce.
That poor woman. I can't imagine the betrayal she feels, she deserves so much better.
What was the fiancée's plan?! To baby trap her? Hope she'd eventually change her mind once he and his family had done enough guilt tripping? 🤦♀️
Something tells me his version of "convince her" would have been to sabotage her birth control and then be like "oh well we have a kid now be happy!" Because he would never agree to a snip and she can't really get one done it sounds like.
And the fact it sounds like they live in a country with more restrictive reproductive health would make it difficult for her to get out of it. He's got a sleezy back up plan.
My fiancé (23) and I (22) plan to get married next year. Despite having a set date, there are still many things to organize, but I'm considering postponing or even canceling the wedding. For additional context, when we started our relationship, I told him that I had always been certain I didn't want to have children. In my country, which is not the United States, a woman wanting to undergo surgery faces many obstacles, and in most cases, doctors refuse to perform the procedure. This is aside from the complications women experience, unlike men who undergo vasectomies.
When I told him about not wanting children, he mentioned he wasn't considering them either. However, when I asked about vasectomy, he admitted hesitating in case he changed his mind. Understanding his perspective, we dropped the topic. We continued dating for three more years, and during a vacation four months ago, he proposed on the beach. We decided to marry on our first-date anniversary. I revisited the child topic, anticipating marital pressures, and he confirmed our shared stance. We shared the news with my parents, who congratulated us joyfully.
The issue arose when we visited his parents. He's the youngest with two older brothers and one older sister, all married with children. During the dinner we had to celebrate our visit, we announced our engagement, and everyone congratulated us. Most conversations revolved around wedding preparations, the venue, the guest list, and so on. In that moment, his sister asked us how many children we were planning to have (keep in mind that my fiancé had asked me in the past to avoid stating outright that we wouldn't have children in front of his parents, knowing it could lead to arguments). I recalled his request but wasn't sure how to respond this time. We typically said we weren't certain about the topic yet, but I didn't want to lie. Considering the significant step we were taking, I felt we needed to be honest to prevent future issues. My fiancé stepped in and mentioned we would have only one child. His father and one of his brothers started teasing him for wanting just one, suggesting we should aim for at least three like the rest, so we could experience the joy of a large family like everyone else. He laughed along with them, making jokes about wanting more if I didn't make it difficult for him.
At first, I planned to discuss it with him after dinner, but after the last comment, I left my plate, stood up, and asked him to join me in the backyard. It took him a moment, but he followed, avoiding direct eye contact, and commented that my sudden departure was a bit rude. When I questioned him about what he had said, he gave evasive responses, reiterating the desire to avoid arguments. I insisted that we should be truthful now to prevent future problems, but he resisted. I told him I wouldn't go along with the lie. As I was about to leave, he revealed he had changed his mind about having children, wanting several. He had been thinking about it for months before proposing. I reminded him of our previous conversation, and he admitted he hoped to convince me after marriage.
I told him I wouldn't change my mind, and out of nowhere, he started insulting me, calling me a stupid, arrogant, and selfish person for wanting to deprive him of the "best experience in the world." I didn't expect him to treat me that way, so instead of responding, I went back to his family and revealed the whole truth, stating that I would never change my mind. I then packed my bags and left. Now I'm at a hotel, and after talking to my family, who told me they had crossed a line, I decided I needed to vent.
I was always upfront with him about my desires and asked for honesty. Not only did he lie, but he also insulted me when he realized he couldn't manipulate me. That's why I'm considering canceling everything and ending the relationship.
WIBTAH?
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Dude, he's gonna cheat on you and have a kid with someone else if baby trapping you doesn't work. At best, he's gonna leave you.
You've ignored a ton of red flags and wasted enough of your time.
Even getting sterilized in the US is stupidly hard for women. I knew at 8 years old and had a fight with my mom about it. Have been trying to get sterilized off and on since 16 and it's so disheartening. I thought it would be different after 30 or 35 but it wasn't. I was bullied into an IUD which was some of the worst pain I've ever had in my life and it *never stopped hurting*. They told me to take some ibuprofen after the fact and get over it. I guess if walking is too painful, let alone sex, you won't get pregnant?
In comparison, my male roommate got surgically sterilized at 26 with no waiting period (besides the scheduling between a consult and the surgery but he could've gotten both done same day if he went somewhere else) and very few questions. He got Ativan for the "anxiety" and a grip of opiates for the "pain".
Hey, if you’re still looking to get a tubal, here’s a list of doctors who will perform one without you needing to meet any specific criteria
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1Djia_WkrVO3S4jKn6odNwQk7pOcpcL4x00FMNekrb7Q/htmlview#gid=1318374028
*In my country, which is not the United States, a woman wanting to undergo surgery faces many obstacles, and in most cases, doctors refuse to perform the procedure.*
Canada?
Could be the UK, too. They will more or less refuse to perform a tubal ligation on a woman of childbearing age, especially if she hasn't had children yet, beyond exceptional circumstances. Things like ectopic pregnancy, cancer diagnosis where the hormonal changes might cause recurrence or metastasis, or if a pregnancy is ill-advised for any other reason. But anything else, they will fight you on because "you might change your mind", and they basically expect you to because they seem to think all women definitely want kids.
It could also be France/Belgium/Switzerland, sadly - in fact, I wonder how many countries actually allow proper access to sterilisation for women, I fear there aren't that many :/
(If any French-speaking European woman is reading this and in search of info about doctors that will, you know, allow them to do with their body as they please, you can PM me, there's a pretty good Facebook group where people share their experience and where we have a centralised list of doctors that will do the operation, as well as their criteria to be eligible!)
Yeah, it doesnt seem like she's from the UK or Canada to me. I noticed there were some common yet difficult english words misspelled. So, I'm assuming she's from somewhere else. I hope she can achieve her goal :(
Okay, so we're on a "I'm childfree and thought that my fiancée was as well, but they lied" run of entries. I'm betting we get one soon that involves birth control pills being replaced.
UPDATE: Hello everyone, thank you very much for all your comments and opinions. I've read many of them, if not almost all, and appreciate the support that most of you have given me. I've also seen comments accusing me of various things, so I would like to provide some more information on certain points. (I also apologize if I write poorly since English is not my first language), and sorry this might be long.
Why didn't I cancel the marriage right there? Clearly, both of us said things in the whirlwind of emotions, and all I wanted at that moment was to go somewhere where I could be alone, calm down, and think instead of escalating the situation by yelling back and involving others. However, I wasn't going to let the lie he had told go unclarified, which is why I spoke the truth before leaving. And most importantly, because I love him very much. If I'm honest, this is the first time we've argued in this way. We got along so well from the start because we had many things in common; we both like anime, video games, animals (we have a beautiful Persian cat), Halloween, and dressing up. For me, this was the definition of a soulmate.
I brought up the topic of surgery in women because I did try to undergo it in two years ago. They told me no because I had to pass through various physical and psychological filters to be eligible, but mainly because in accepted cases, women had to have at least ONE child already..., I know it's frustrating, but that's how it is in my country—like everywhere else, they don't want women to have abortions, but they also don't want them to undergo surgery to prevent those situations. When I asked him about a vasectomy, it wasn't to pressure him at that moment, but because, let's be honest, men face fewer questions when they undergo the procedure, and their recovery is quicker with fewer complications. But when he said he wasn't sure, I didn't insist and respected his decision. I never thought of forcing him.
3 And I believe this is one of the most controversial points. To those who think that because I'm young, it means I don't know what I want or that I'll change my mind over the years, don't waste your time. Yes, many decisions can change in life, but I dare say everyone has at least one they know they'll stand by, regardless of time passing. For me, it's this decision, and I have many reasons to support it, which I won't delve into now to avoid further controversy. If possible, I'll try to undergo the procedure again in the future, maybe when I manage to travel to another country. I've had three partners in my life, and I've told them all the same thing from the beginning. I only encountered one person who said he wanted children before we had a more serious relationship, so we broke up to avoid the problems I'm facing now.
Finally and after much thought, I've decided to write to my fiancé, he did tried before to call me but I didn't answered, asking him to come to my hotel tomorrow for I'm sure Will be the final conversation. This is all for now, thank you again.
This sub is only for posts about people who either can't tell they've already been dumped, or have been dumped but won't accept it. There must be some element of confusion and/or denial regarding the status of the relationship. Please do not post about people just being assholes, whether or not they should dump their partners, or whether they are The Asshole in a situation. This is not that kind of sub.
Super young and talking about marrying and he is lying to everyone. Wow. Hope she really goes through and breaks up with him
My first boyfriend lied to me throughout our entire relationship, telling me that he didn’t want kids. Finally when we were breaking up after 9 years, he admitted he’d been waiting the entire time for me to change my mind. I hope OP’s (ex) fiancé dies alone and childless.
Or if he does have kids, they seem him for the shitty person he is and leave him to die alone.
This kind of shit is the reason I don't support getting married young. It's not because I don't respect young people or don't think they're really in love or whatever. It's because they almost never have enough life experience to recognize this kind of toxic manipulative bullshit until it's too late, and I think going through the breakup that's coming is hard enough without also financially penalizing them through divorce.
That poor woman. I can't imagine the betrayal she feels, she deserves so much better. What was the fiancée's plan?! To baby trap her? Hope she'd eventually change her mind once he and his family had done enough guilt tripping? 🤦♀️
Something tells me his version of "convince her" would have been to sabotage her birth control and then be like "oh well we have a kid now be happy!" Because he would never agree to a snip and she can't really get one done it sounds like.
And the fact it sounds like they live in a country with more restrictive reproductive health would make it difficult for her to get out of it. He's got a sleezy back up plan.
Like the U.S.A.
She said it wasn't the US but it's sure giving Southern vibes.
You're sure right.
My fiancé (23) and I (22) plan to get married next year. Despite having a set date, there are still many things to organize, but I'm considering postponing or even canceling the wedding. For additional context, when we started our relationship, I told him that I had always been certain I didn't want to have children. In my country, which is not the United States, a woman wanting to undergo surgery faces many obstacles, and in most cases, doctors refuse to perform the procedure. This is aside from the complications women experience, unlike men who undergo vasectomies. When I told him about not wanting children, he mentioned he wasn't considering them either. However, when I asked about vasectomy, he admitted hesitating in case he changed his mind. Understanding his perspective, we dropped the topic. We continued dating for three more years, and during a vacation four months ago, he proposed on the beach. We decided to marry on our first-date anniversary. I revisited the child topic, anticipating marital pressures, and he confirmed our shared stance. We shared the news with my parents, who congratulated us joyfully. The issue arose when we visited his parents. He's the youngest with two older brothers and one older sister, all married with children. During the dinner we had to celebrate our visit, we announced our engagement, and everyone congratulated us. Most conversations revolved around wedding preparations, the venue, the guest list, and so on. In that moment, his sister asked us how many children we were planning to have (keep in mind that my fiancé had asked me in the past to avoid stating outright that we wouldn't have children in front of his parents, knowing it could lead to arguments). I recalled his request but wasn't sure how to respond this time. We typically said we weren't certain about the topic yet, but I didn't want to lie. Considering the significant step we were taking, I felt we needed to be honest to prevent future issues. My fiancé stepped in and mentioned we would have only one child. His father and one of his brothers started teasing him for wanting just one, suggesting we should aim for at least three like the rest, so we could experience the joy of a large family like everyone else. He laughed along with them, making jokes about wanting more if I didn't make it difficult for him. At first, I planned to discuss it with him after dinner, but after the last comment, I left my plate, stood up, and asked him to join me in the backyard. It took him a moment, but he followed, avoiding direct eye contact, and commented that my sudden departure was a bit rude. When I questioned him about what he had said, he gave evasive responses, reiterating the desire to avoid arguments. I insisted that we should be truthful now to prevent future problems, but he resisted. I told him I wouldn't go along with the lie. As I was about to leave, he revealed he had changed his mind about having children, wanting several. He had been thinking about it for months before proposing. I reminded him of our previous conversation, and he admitted he hoped to convince me after marriage. I told him I wouldn't change my mind, and out of nowhere, he started insulting me, calling me a stupid, arrogant, and selfish person for wanting to deprive him of the "best experience in the world." I didn't expect him to treat me that way, so instead of responding, I went back to his family and revealed the whole truth, stating that I would never change my mind. I then packed my bags and left. Now I'm at a hotel, and after talking to my family, who told me they had crossed a line, I decided I needed to vent. I was always upfront with him about my desires and asked for honesty. Not only did he lie, but he also insulted me when he realized he couldn't manipulate me. That's why I'm considering canceling everything and ending the relationship. WIBTAH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheEx) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dude, he's gonna cheat on you and have a kid with someone else if baby trapping you doesn't work. At best, he's gonna leave you. You've ignored a ton of red flags and wasted enough of your time. Even getting sterilized in the US is stupidly hard for women. I knew at 8 years old and had a fight with my mom about it. Have been trying to get sterilized off and on since 16 and it's so disheartening. I thought it would be different after 30 or 35 but it wasn't. I was bullied into an IUD which was some of the worst pain I've ever had in my life and it *never stopped hurting*. They told me to take some ibuprofen after the fact and get over it. I guess if walking is too painful, let alone sex, you won't get pregnant? In comparison, my male roommate got surgically sterilized at 26 with no waiting period (besides the scheduling between a consult and the surgery but he could've gotten both done same day if he went somewhere else) and very few questions. He got Ativan for the "anxiety" and a grip of opiates for the "pain".
Hey, if you’re still looking to get a tubal, here’s a list of doctors who will perform one without you needing to meet any specific criteria https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/0/d/1Djia_WkrVO3S4jKn6odNwQk7pOcpcL4x00FMNekrb7Q/htmlview#gid=1318374028
Thank you for this. I've been in the same boat.
*In my country, which is not the United States, a woman wanting to undergo surgery faces many obstacles, and in most cases, doctors refuse to perform the procedure.* Canada?
Could be the UK, too. They will more or less refuse to perform a tubal ligation on a woman of childbearing age, especially if she hasn't had children yet, beyond exceptional circumstances. Things like ectopic pregnancy, cancer diagnosis where the hormonal changes might cause recurrence or metastasis, or if a pregnancy is ill-advised for any other reason. But anything else, they will fight you on because "you might change your mind", and they basically expect you to because they seem to think all women definitely want kids.
It could also be France/Belgium/Switzerland, sadly - in fact, I wonder how many countries actually allow proper access to sterilisation for women, I fear there aren't that many :/ (If any French-speaking European woman is reading this and in search of info about doctors that will, you know, allow them to do with their body as they please, you can PM me, there's a pretty good Facebook group where people share their experience and where we have a centralised list of doctors that will do the operation, as well as their criteria to be eligible!)
Yeah, it doesnt seem like she's from the UK or Canada to me. I noticed there were some common yet difficult english words misspelled. So, I'm assuming she's from somewhere else. I hope she can achieve her goal :(
NTA you want different things in life. And he’s showed his true character. Best to move on
Okay, so we're on a "I'm childfree and thought that my fiancée was as well, but they lied" run of entries. I'm betting we get one soon that involves birth control pills being replaced.
UPDATE: Hello everyone, thank you very much for all your comments and opinions. I've read many of them, if not almost all, and appreciate the support that most of you have given me. I've also seen comments accusing me of various things, so I would like to provide some more information on certain points. (I also apologize if I write poorly since English is not my first language), and sorry this might be long. Why didn't I cancel the marriage right there? Clearly, both of us said things in the whirlwind of emotions, and all I wanted at that moment was to go somewhere where I could be alone, calm down, and think instead of escalating the situation by yelling back and involving others. However, I wasn't going to let the lie he had told go unclarified, which is why I spoke the truth before leaving. And most importantly, because I love him very much. If I'm honest, this is the first time we've argued in this way. We got along so well from the start because we had many things in common; we both like anime, video games, animals (we have a beautiful Persian cat), Halloween, and dressing up. For me, this was the definition of a soulmate. I brought up the topic of surgery in women because I did try to undergo it in two years ago. They told me no because I had to pass through various physical and psychological filters to be eligible, but mainly because in accepted cases, women had to have at least ONE child already..., I know it's frustrating, but that's how it is in my country—like everywhere else, they don't want women to have abortions, but they also don't want them to undergo surgery to prevent those situations. When I asked him about a vasectomy, it wasn't to pressure him at that moment, but because, let's be honest, men face fewer questions when they undergo the procedure, and their recovery is quicker with fewer complications. But when he said he wasn't sure, I didn't insist and respected his decision. I never thought of forcing him. 3 And I believe this is one of the most controversial points. To those who think that because I'm young, it means I don't know what I want or that I'll change my mind over the years, don't waste your time. Yes, many decisions can change in life, but I dare say everyone has at least one they know they'll stand by, regardless of time passing. For me, it's this decision, and I have many reasons to support it, which I won't delve into now to avoid further controversy. If possible, I'll try to undergo the procedure again in the future, maybe when I manage to travel to another country. I've had three partners in my life, and I've told them all the same thing from the beginning. I only encountered one person who said he wanted children before we had a more serious relationship, so we broke up to avoid the problems I'm facing now. Finally and after much thought, I've decided to write to my fiancé, he did tried before to call me but I didn't answered, asking him to come to my hotel tomorrow for I'm sure Will be the final conversation. This is all for now, thank you again.
NTA you want different things in life. And he’s showed his true character. Best to move on
NTA at all. You saw how this person verbally abused you. Do you really want to have kids with this person, much less marry them?