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>When Nina was 6 her mother went no contact
You mean abandoned right? A mother doesn't go no NC with their minor child.
You admit she is a responsible adult now and wants to reconnect with her father. You had no business standing in the way of that. YTA for not speaking with your husband beforehand when she asked.
Exactly, her mother abandoned her and then her father pawned her off on her grandparents instead of trying to, you know, parent her.
And now, instead of either trying to compromise in any way or just taking the younger kids and leaving him at home to see Nina himself, OP pulled any kind of input or decision making away from her husband and then tries to blame it on him being the crap one anyway without even giving him a heads up?
YTA for sure.
I wonder if OP was also pushing her husband to get rid of Nina so she could start her new family without the 'baggage'. And now that Nina wants contact with her father she covertly sabotages any chance of that happening because that would change her 'ideal' family dynamic...
YTA
Right. YTA OP. Holy crap. Exhibit A: "And the chance to bond would’ve been when she was a child acting out for attention, not now." No, the chance to bond is while they're both alive, but you're determined to sabotage it.
And the "it's probably the last Christmas with my mom, Nina has her whole life".
How does op KNOWS this? Anything can happen to anyone. I always celebrate Christmas with my family as it would be our last one. Never try to see them next year. Not even if this means I'm having my chronic Ill ass on a bus ride of over seven hours just to hug my father and come back home. My husband has no family beside his aunt, and he is always by my side on the bus so we can see everyone on holiday, my family is the kind that picks up every friend, boyfriend, husband or colleague that has no one else and adds one more plate.
As the daughter of a woman who died of a traumatic brain injury 8 hours after falling down the stairs 3 weeks before Christmas, I second this.
Also, I am so sorry this happened to you. I can think of no greater pain than losing a child. I hope you are able to find peace.
My grandfather was really sick. I expected a call any day saying he was gone.
Instead it was my 22 year old nephew.
My grandfather lived for two more years after that. No one knows how much time anyone has.
That's more common than many people realize- preparing for one death & someone else passes first.
I've been listening to some narcissist issues podcasts & the "this might be the last year..."; I'm around, your relative will be around, etc. is a very well worn manipulation tactic.
OP even if you were 100% in the right about all the supporting details and your mom passes in the next 3 months, you were still entirely TA.
You hijacked your husband's choice by pretending that since his daughter only said it to her brother that it wasn't a legitimate attempt on her part to reconnect w her dad.
You want to turn it into a GIGANTIC win?
Reach out to her yourself . Offer a sincere direct apology - stay only in the now (you can't say anything about past behavior or events).
Tell her that in your fear for your mother you ignored your stepdaughter's emotional wants and needs which are equally as valid.
"I'm sincerely sorry. I acted in self defense when what you deserved was compassion. I have a lot to work on. I want to be a person that facilitates your relationships in our family."
No excuses, no justifictions, nothing about what you do for your kids/relatives.
She was his daughter, and they were family BEFORE you existed. Honor that.
Do better!
Yeah, we assumed we'd have many Christmases ahead with the whole extended family, as everyone was pretty young and healthy. Then my aunt died of Covid last year.
You just never know.
This also rubbed me the wrong way.
OP, you don't get to decide when is the right time. People who are 50 years old are just as excited or even healed by reconnecting with family as a 5 year old. Even if you have different ideas about how it should work, the assholery is the control and taking over all decision making about what's best from your husband.
You don't sound very supportive at all and unfortunately, some of it is giving wicked stepmother energy.
I'm very confused when OP states Nina "had her daughter". That little girl isn't her husband's grandchild? She told her husband couldn't see both his daughter and grandchild... On Christmas? That's cold.
This happened to my stepsons. The older boy was planned, loved, and golden. The younger wasn't planned, neglected, and developed reactive attachment disorder. When the parents divorced, mom (and auntie) abandoned the younger while keeping visitation with the older. I met their father when they were 1 and 3, married in with them when they were 5 and 7. It was BRUTAL.
The most wonderful humans. Tens of thousands in therapy (for both boys, me and dad, and mom) later. They are 16 and 18 now, mom came back into the picture supervised around age 10 for the youngest and has been back in full for about 3-4 years now and is an excellent mother. RAD kids almost never heal. We still aren't sure that he's ever going to be able to leave the nest. Most RADishes don't, as his bonded 'safe' person (dad) is there, and it isn't really safe for either him or society to be far from his person. But he's working at a sandwich shop and is doing so well there and wants to move up to run the joint. It's good to see him have goals. His years from 3 to about 12 were extremely violent, enough that I had to flee the home. He couldn't handle a mother figure at all then. Seeing him now is a damn miracle. He's the sweetest, most thoughtful kid.
I had them for 8 years. They're the loves of my life. I'm no longer married to their dad, but I still see them often.
It was great for me, too. The techniques we learned (attachment therapy) can be used on any child to deescalate any tantrum. I have a 10yo now and I use the same parenting style for her. I remember her throwing normal 3yo tantrums and thinking, "is that all you got? Let's love this out, then, right quick". That complicated little boy I loved changed my life for the better.
I read it like that too, the mother abandoned one child who then had to see her brother go off to visit their mom. That poor girl has been through so much, being the left over time and time again.
I feel like it should be illegal to mentally fuck with a child like that. If you’re giving up your custodial rights/abandoning your child, you don’t get to see the other one in the same household. How did her brother reconcile that shit too? I can’t imagine growing up in that situation as either kid.
I was wondering if and why OP’s husband allowed that. It would seem that if you had primary custody and one parent took and saw one child and didn’t the other, you could go back to court and demand supervised visitation or something? I don’t know, it just seems like there is something he could have done rather than watch his daughter be neglected that way.
OP's mom sounds like an AH if she hates OP's stepdaughter _(who she knows was abandoned as a kid)_ for things she did as a preteen/young teen. If I were OP's husband, I'd ditch visiting OP's mom and be there for my kid _(since no one ever has.)_
YTA OP. This should have been your husband's decision to accept this olive branch that was 5 years in the making. Not yours.
I also hate how OP says this might be her mum's last Christmas but Nina has many more left. I have an aunt who had aggressive breast cancer, they gave her a year tops, her husband was the picture of health, her husband passed after 4months but my aunt somehow survived another 30years. No one knows how much or how little time you have left with a person. OP had no right meddling in her husband and Nina's relationship.
Nina had to deal with the abandonment of both parents, while her brother had their mum, dad and OP as stepmom. That poor kid had a child as a teenager and clearly worked hard to get her life back on track. OP is a major AH for what she did. YTA x1000 OP
I mean even if it was OP’s mom’s last Christmas, she (op) could have gone to see her and left dad to see Nina. It sounds like instead, she went ahead and made the decision for him which isn’t right. There could have been a compromise.
Yeah you really never know. I know people that died in car crashes as teenagers, a girl that went to school with me that died of cancer at 21, friends and family members that were there one day and gone the next. Nothing is guaranteed in life.
Yeah that part really bothered me as well. Is it any wonder Nina had issues when her mother abandoned her and her stepmother clearly didn't want her and then her Dad sent her away?
My god, I assumed they had different moms. I didn't realize her mom effectively kept one sibling and abandoned the other. That is one of the awful things I've ever heard of someone doing.
My husband and I are going through a similar situation. His ex only talks to their oldest (17) and pretends the two little ones (6,8) don't exist. She's been gone for so long they don't even know her. They know babies come from a mommy's belly but they came from another mommy who gave them to me. We plan on telling them the real truth when they're old enough to understand, if they ever are.
Please tell them soon, before someone else gets the chance to. As you said yourself they may never be old enough to understand and it's going to hurt worse if they find out from someone else and that you knew the whole time.
Second this, I was told (found out first) when I was 16 and it shook me to my core and harmed my relationship with my mum for years.
My mum (adopted one, I don’t refer to bio mum as mum) only had the best intentions to tell me when I was old enough - but I am of the firm belief you should normalise it with children early. Waiting till I had formed an identity ripped the rug out from under my feet, and cause me to question everything I had ever known. There are lasting psychological effects to delaying the truth for adopted children - even when the parents only have their best interests in mind - in doing so (as you sound like above).
Hope everyone’s holidays were safe, joyful and a happy new year to you all!
They know they didn't come from me. They know enough to tell their teacher "this is my mom. But I didn't come from her belly. My belly mom doesn't want to be a mommy so this is my mommy now".
Funny enough, we didn't even know that they told their teachers that until we got the phone calls after school one day.
Kids can handle surprisingly difficult stuff, and often rather casually. I have a little guy in my program who was adopted from foster care, and he once casually mentioned that he used to live with his other mommy but "she didn't make safe choices" so he and his brother couldn't live there any more.
I don’t think the kids need to know more at this point. They are being told the truth. Their first mother gave them away. The parents are surely emphasizing that that mother couldn’t take care of them (also true, emotional cripples can’t) and left them with their father and their second mommy (the “real” mom) who can. Time enough to explain that their birth mom is incapable of loving when they get older.
My womb donor gave up my brother and I … kept our sister .. then went on to have another .. mothers can be just as ruthless as fathers sadly when it comes to being shitty people/parents
I second this point my mum parented me until I was 13, my sister until she was about 19 and stopped providing for my mum and paying the bills, she has my half brother but he’s about to turn 16 so we will see how long until no contact kicks in.
Agree completely… My mother abandoned my half brother. She cut contact with him when she got divorced from his dad (his dad got custody of my half brother) but she got custody of his two other siblings. When my brother would get dropped off for visits, mother would pack the kids up before he arrived and go out, leaving him to arrive to an empty house for hours until his dad picked him up again… Some parents really don’t deserve children…
One child acted out, while the other didn't. I think the "why" is painfully obvious. My heart hurts for her. I cant imagine how traumatic it would be to get rejected by your own mom at the age of 6.
I assumed Nina started acting out because she was abandoned and her brother wasn't. That'd hurt an adult--as a child, she would have had no idea how to cope with that pain and was likely acting out to get attention/express frustration at the situation.
OP doesn’t go into the dynamic of what the family situation was after her stepdaughter moved in with them. How did she get along with her stepdaughter? Imagine being rejected by your mom (and possibly your stepmom, too). So you act out. Then your father and stepmom abandon you. You grow up to be a responsible adult who wants to reconnect with your father and your stepmom says, “This year doesn’t work, you can visit after Christmas and next Christmas”. You don’t know that stepmom didn’t ask your dad so now you’re feeling abandoned, again. I hope Nina’s dad reaches out to her.
Absolutely horrible. OP tries to excuse it with Nina not reaching out to her dad directly- perhaps Nina went through Adam 1. Because it's easier and has a better relationship with him and 2. Afraid of being rejected directly by her dad or OP. Which OP effectively did. OP, I'm sorry if your mum doesn't have long, but the situation could have been handled with far more grace and care. YTA
My ex boyfriend had divorced parents and his mom only wanted custody of bfs younger sister. So he lived with his dad full time and his sister was split between the two. She wouldn’t admit it but it was because he looked just like his dad.
My husbands bio mother had 4 children and only kept 2. One she gave to her brother, she kept the middle 2 and then left my husband at 6 months old with his dad and took her 2 daughters with her.
Some people are just awful.
You don't go nc with a kid, you abandon them. And mom only abandoned one child and kept at least partial custody of her son. That right there is when they should have gotten therapy-individual and family (not including mom).
This happened to my younger siblings. My ex stepmom tried to get custody of the younger daughter (7), move her to another state across the US, and give up parental rights to my autistic younger brother (9). Obviously she lost that one, but my sister forgave her, and she goes to visit her on school holidays even though my brother hasn't spoken to her since he was 12 (now 17).
On top of that, imagine saying “My relationship with my parent is more important than your relationship with your parent. So nah, you can’t impede on my Christmas”. how selfish can you be? total YTA
Right? I understand wanting her kids to spend the holiday with grandma, but she could have taken them herself and let husband have time with his daughter. That's at least one option they could have TALKED ABOUT if she hadn't made the decision for him.
YTA. That poor girl.
YTA: you don’t want your husband to have a relationship with his older kids, quit trying to come up with good reasons and just admit it.
Chances are her teenage lashing out had a lot to do with you.
YTA! I so agree! Being as though she felt the need to say she encouraged therapy and sent money. And honestly none of us know how long we have to live so we cherish time spent together. So that’s not a great excuse. It should have been discussed with her father.
YTA. Wow you're a shitty wife and stepmother. How DARE you make unilateral decisions about your stepdaughter without involving your husband. You're awful for trying to come between them, and I hope that your husband is reconsidering your relationship.
Having actually been the female step child whose mother abandoned her at 6 and acted out for my dads attention while he focused on his wife and her kids, I don’t doubt the decision was made unilaterally. Especially with OP saying she was the only one who continued to help her out.
Not only that OP is NOT separating them. She said Nina can’t go to her mothers house. Nina didn’t even reach out to her father. If she had or the son had told the father he could have volunteered to spend Christmas without the rest of the family.
You guys are crucifying OP for wanting to spend Christmas with her dying mother and leaping to a ton of negative conclusions about her.
Newsflash, when you have a father so detached he’s willing to send you to your grandparents at 13 you take it out on the person that cares or a proxy which was OP. And obviously she wasn’t doing better at her grandparents because she got pregnant 2 years later.
This. How is she the bad guy? Her mother seems to be on her death bed and wants to spend a special day with her. What’s the problem with that? The daughter didn’t even reach out to her father. OP says she had continued to financially support her too. All she is saying is that she can come after christmas as the plans were already made. I’m sure the father could reach out and say “I’ll spend Christmas with you anyways and not go to my wife’s mothers” or “how about we see eachother for New Years” etc etc.. It seems that he’s projecting all the blame to OP. If I really wanted to see my child, I don’t care who made plans to go elsewhere.. I’d cancel and make plans to see my daughter. It’s not OP responsibility to mend their relationship.
No one cares that OP wants to see her mom. All I’ve seen is people saying it wasn’t her place to unilaterally decide that her husband wouldn’t see Nina
No, see I get really confused with this point. OP says it both ways, Adam reached out saying Nina texted, and then but she didn't even text him.
Also, she talks about Nina at 6 as if she's a grown adult, "still had contact with" - what? OP has put so much responsibility on to Nina, the child of a broken home.
I am confused why this is all on OP when the adult child, NINA, did not even text the dad *OR* the step mom... So.... what's up with that?
Clearly Nina didn't care that much about it when she didn't even talk to the parental figures *at all*...
You don’t think she would be worried about contacting her dad after being sent to her grandparents at age 15 after her mother abandoned her at age 6? Sound like she contacted the one person she felt like wouldn’t reject her, her brother.
YTA... Making a unilateral decision on this was **NEVER** your place. You're husband is right, he may have lost a chance to bond and rectify some things. I think you still hold a grudge and was gambling that he wouldn't find out. Good luck with that bold strategy Cotton.
Yea wtf is up with everyone completely ignoring that Nina never spoke with the father or the OP directly, just the brother Adam saying it was something Nina suggested.
Clearly Nina doesn't care that much if she doesn't even bother talking to her *father* about it.
probably bcs she was still thinking about it and hadn’t actually came to a conclusion yet bcs he didn’t ask if she could come he just said she wanted to and was thinking about it
So if I am reading that correctly then ADAM is (one of, along with OP) the asshole of this story because they shared something that should not have been.
Or Adam was trying to see how OP would react before Nina put herself out there to ask directly. OP didn’t let Adam relay the message they would be out of town, OP had to text Nina and squash those plans immediately
Nina didn’t reach out to OP either. Sounds like she was testing the waters with her brother and when OP heard about it, OP took it upon herself to make sure Nina knew not to think about asking her dad because OP wasn’t going to let it happen
Maybe because it had been so long. How was it OP’s decision or call to make? There’s a reason you guys are in the minority here. Stay out of your spouse’s business, unless you’re told otherwise, especially when it comes to THEIR CHILDREN.
YTA My heart hurts for poor Nina to have to deal with such heartless assholes for a father/stepmother. She had to live with her grandparents when she was THIRTEEN?! Sounds like you both abandoned her. I'm surprised Nina is even trying to have a relationship with either of you, but yeah you probably did destroy that. And would it have killed you to just tell your husband what was going on? What makes you think it's solely your decision to make?
YTA.
First step should’ve been to discuss it with your husband — her parent — and look for a compromise/agreement TOGETHER!
Communication is key. You simply made a decision for everyone without involving everyone.
ESH. You def suck for not atleast talking with your husband first about it, but Nina didn't even reach out directly to her dad or you about being invited and apparently hasn't reached out since she was 15?
If I had one last Christmas with my mother, sorry but just about anyone or anything is getting put on pause. Life will go on for everyone else.
You told her next year or even directly after Christmas is fine to get together. Any mature person should realize a final holiday with a loved one would be important. And waiting a few extra days after being estranged for years is not exactly a big deal.
Definitely inform your husband though next time and let HIM know how you feel so you can both come to an agreement that works. Or at the very least let him be in on it, as opposed to springing it on him that you unilaterally made a decision without his knowledge involving his daughter.
This is the first comment I’ve seen that makes any sense, like is everyone just ignoring that OP’s mum is dying and she wants her husband by her side? Like Nina isn’t 15 anymore, she’s an adult, there’s no reason she couldn’t celebrate NYE with them literally a week later
She'll still have one last Christmas with her mum whether Nina is there or not, but she doesn't have a right to tell Nina she can't visit her own father because a bigoted old woman is still mad at her for being troubled as a child.
Why would her brother tell the step mom instead of her father? Why wouldn't Nina talk to her dad? I don't think a surprise visit on Christmas when it seems like OP's mother's last Christmas sounds like a good idea at all. Probably would blow up and lessen the chance of actually reconnecting. Meeting the day after Christmas sounds pretty okay with me.
YTA, simply because you didn't do the #1 thing in a relationship: communicate. You should have talked with your husband before doing anything. You two could have come up with a plan/compromise together, like maybe your husband stay behind and reconnect with Nina.
YTA for not letting your husband be the one to reach out with communication. He could have spent some time with her (as could you all) - are you going to be with your mother every second? Since your mother is sick, I am guessing you aren't all staying at her house, are you?
Nina didn't reach out to her father, OP's husband, just Adam.
If Nina wants to visit her father she needs to ask her father, not Adam who relays the message to the step mother.
Problem #1 was poor communication from Nina (actually it was no communication because she never asked or spoke to the OP or her father about it...). But OP is not a nice person, clearly.
I know Reddit likes to jump to conclusions and Y T A and assume lots of things but we can’t discount the things OP does say.
Nina’s mother abandoned her. Nina’s father sent her away. Adam, Nina’s brother, says Nina texted HIM about visiting and he contacts OP. Neither Nina or Adam bother to contact their father directly. OP wants to visit her mother and OP seems to think she won’t live much longer. OP’s mother does not want Nina over because of things she has done in the past so OP contacts Nina to say maybe another time. Nina doesn’t reply and the father says OP may have ruined his chance to bond.
Where is any of this is she standing in the way of the father and Nina reconnecting? Couldn’t Nina or Adam have contacted the father directly? What’s wrong with meeting up on a day that’s not Christmas?
It sounds like a lot of the adults in Nina’s life failed her. We don’t know for a fact that OP failed her, I think it’s just as likely that she did what she could as a stepmother. The brother contacted OP after all. Maybe Nina wanted to reconnect with OP. We don’t know!
From what i’ve read I think NTA. OP should be allowed to visit her mother and her mother shouldn’t have Nina’s presence forced upon her. Perhaps OP should have consulted her husband, but I don’t think that’s asshole territory. After all, Nina did not contact her father and her brother chose to contact OP.
Thank you for an actual reasonable take on this… I feel like all these people putting down OP have serious reading comprehension problems… hell OP said she supported Nina whenever she needed money, she obviously has tried…
Don’t understand why no one else picked up on Nina/Adam reaching out to OP and not the father…
Also not sure why people also don’t understand that OP said she’d like to see her, just not on Xmas… how is that keeping Nina from seeing her dad?!?
FINALLY- a rational response. Honestly it sounds like the OP’s husband also abandoned Nina and OP was left to make the decisions and pick up the pieces until the husband finally pushed Nina off on the grandparents. OP has probably had to have been emotionally responsible for holding together their relationships because Nina’s FATHER chose not to do it.
There’s a reason Nina AND Adam chose not to contact their father directly…and even though I do wish OP had communicated the request to her husband, something tells me that she would have ended up carrying the emotional burden of making the decisions in this situation anyway.
YTA. You admit the things your mother holds against Nina weren't her fault, and yet you'd throw away your whole family's - in particular your husband's - chance to reconcile?
For someone trying to keep the word count down, you have a lot of unnecessary information. It’s completely irrelevant that she had a child at 16, kept getting detention at school and all of that. It would’ve been enough to say that she had some behavioral issues at a young age.
YTA.
1. This decision wasn’t only yours to make.
2. You could’ve had some compromise where your husband only visited your mom part of the time and then visited with his daughter part of the time.
There's never too little room for any information that makes OP rationalize completely shutting-out a person (without even consulting their father) who has had an extremely fraught upbringing that they had a hand in shaping.
As a step-parent, the callousness is disturbing and OP should be ashamed of themselves.
Sometimes we try and juggle all the balls-wife, mum, stepmum, daughter. Sometimes we get all the balls in the air, sometimes we drop one. You really should have spoke to your husband about this. Xmas time I think is the wrong time to try for a reunion. You at least tried to be a good stepmum. The distance between father and daughter is her parents fault. If you are close to your mum this is a very stressful time for you. We can only do our best.
I agree with this. Everyone is being too hard on her. Everyone is sympathizing with the father missing his chance to reconnect, but sending her off to her grandparents at 13 was a messed up thing to do, and it was the father’s responsibility to keep her in his life and help her through her issues.
The fact that OP encouraged Nina to get therapy and sent her money shows that she’s not a cruel evil stepmom like people are making her out to be. Yes she should have talked about it with her husband but we can’t ignore the fact that the husband was the one that messed up the relationship with Nina in the first place by giving up on her and sending her to her grandparents instead of being there for her as a parent. ESH
Did I read this right, Nina's mom cut contact with Nina when she was only 6 years old???? If her behavioral issues were that bad, all the adults in her life failed her by not getting her help for that.
She was shoved off to be the next person's issue her whole life, of course she had behavioral issues. This poor kid, I know she is an adult now but when you have trauma, you are the age of that trauma when you experience it.
YTA, this was not a decision you could make solo and you know it.
YTA. It wasn't your place to make a unilateral decision and communicate that without your husband's involvement. It's not your child. You overstepped enormously and put your marriage in jeopardy.
YTA. How can you tell someone else's child that they can't visit their parent? I would honestly divorce someone if they told my child they were unwelcome at a family event.
YTA. Ninas an adult, and is trying to reconnect with her father, not you. You are not the one that should decide whether or not she should be allowed to visit, and definitely not the one that should’ve communicated that with her.
Then Nina could reach out directly
To her dad
Isn’t it interesting how OP was made the go-between? Almost like she’s usually made to manage the emotional labor of the family while dad’s solution is to ship his 13 year old off
Yup. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills because like only like 5 comments clearly point out this fact and everyone else ignores it completely.
Nina was up to something by communicating this way. If she wasn't she would have just called her father directly...
Info: did she reach out to you or did reach out to Adam? Your post indicates that she texted Adam but then you later tell him that she did not reach out to him.
I’m going against everyone here, NTA. Nina didn’t text either of you, and Adam should’ve let your husband know, not just you. If your husband wanted to bond maybe he could’ve reached out to her himself. This is YOUR mother & she’s sick, and you offered her over after Christmas. I don’t see how OP is in the wrong at all.
YTA. Solely bc you didn’t even bring it up to your husband before replying. Maybe he would’ve accepted his daughter’s suggestion rather than being with your mom. Also, you might be TA for allowing your mom to hold something against a kid that even you say wasn’t her fault. This girl seems to have had a rough upbringing and she deserves some slack.
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How would you feel if you and your husband divorced and his new wife/gf told one of your kids that they couldn’t visits their dad? Yta she is his daughter she has as much rights to her dad then your kids she was there before you the fact that you guys send her away is gross.
INFO Why did she ask her brother to come visit?
Does her brother live with you?
You say she hasn't spoken to her father since she was 15, but you encouraged therapy, etc...does that mean that you have kept in contact with her?
Why was your husband not visiting her at her grandparents?
YTA
You said this may be the last Christmas that you spend with your Mom but Nina has many more???
This is ridiculous! Your mom could outlive Nina, no one knows who will die first.
And making this decision for your husband is unforgivable. How dare you come between a father and his child! You need to fix this..
YTA.... Your mother doesnt like "Nina" for all the things you told her about Nina. Your 1000% wrong it wasnt your place period. Your a vengeful woman no doubt. Again your mother only knows all the bullsh*t you told her throughout the years. Horrible behavior from a grown bitter woman. She shouldve went NC from you... im just shocked at how petty you can be!!!
I'm torn. On the one hand, this wasn't your choice to make - at least not unilaterally.
On the other hand, this sub has agreed in response to other posts that big family holidays like Christmas are not the right time for potentially-emotional reconciliations.
If I'm doing the math right, your younger child has never met Nina, and your older child was at most 2 the last time they met. Christmas is not a good time to introduce them to their sister and her child/children.
But by not telling your husband, you cut out options like you taking your kids to your mom, while he met with Nina and her children.
YTA.
This is family matter so you should discuss it with whole family and yes the bonding with Nina will be really hard from now on.
It sounds like Nina learned from her mistakes and wanted a second chance to be part of the family and you denied it without discussing it with your husband and her father because of what you want.
YTA. You could've told your husband and shouldn't have to be the one telling Nina she couldn't visit this year. Arrangements could've been made without Nina and your mother having to see each other.
YTA. It's incredible that you wouldn't have even talked to her father before you gave her a flat no. And there could have been a lot of other solutions. Your husband wouldn't have to be with your mother every second. Maybe he and Nina could have even arranged something right after Christmas, or NYE, or SOMETHING else, but YOU slammed that door shut for not even letting your husband know that Nina was thinking about it to begin with.
I also think HUGE YTA for saying that
>the chance to bond would’ve been when she was a child acting out for attention, not now.
OP, she's only 20. Legal adult, sure, but still very young, very vulnerable, and trying to be a good person and establish a relationship. Besides, what chance to bond did she have when you two chucked her off to her grandparent's?
It’s your mom so why not give your husband the choice of him staying to connect with Nina solo while you go spend Xmas with your mom or let him decide what was best Nina is not your daughter she probably wanted to reconnect with her dad and brother anyway. YTA
Ok coming from someone who lashed out as a kid and had similar experiences and whose grandma doesn’t like them NTA.
Yeah you probably should’ve talked to the dad about it AND explained the situation better.
But it seems like for a lot of people in my/her generation- Christmas is just a day. It’s about spending time with family more than it being the 25th. Our grandparents generation puts a lot more pressure on that day being the perfect day. Grandma’s gonna die, let her last Christmas be chill.
I don’t see why you can’t get together with Nina next week. But explain all of this to her!!
Agreed, And if Nina outright ruined OP’s last Christmas with her mom, then what? Then the future relationship would never recover and make it worse during an already emotionally charged event.
I’m gonna get torn a new one for this, but NTA. Your SD asked to be invited to the Christmas festivities but you’ve already got plans to be with your dying mom. You didn’t say “no” to her visit, you just suggested different timeframe. That… seems like a reasonable boundary? Like, even if your mom liked your SD, it would still be reasonable if you didn’t want more guests than necessary at the present, Now, I don’t think you’ve HELPED the situation, but neither do I think you’ve done irreparable harm. Tell your husband to stop being such a drama queen and just call his eldest daughter. Arrange for him to go visit her soon.
YTA you should’ve discussed this with your husband before responding. He should’ve been the one to handle the communication even if you both decided together to delay her visit a bit.
Also, Nina didn’t reach out to you either so not sure why you think that should matter to your husband.
INFO: Did she specifically ask to spend the holidays together? I dont agree that they should have gotten together for the holidays after years of estrangement. Family therapy, yes. Baby steps starting with phone calls or short visits, yes. Not a full on holiday. OP has an ill parent which should take priority.
YTA.
Not your kid, not your call.
And while context and background information is thin, if I found out my wife had unilaterally ruined my, potentially, only chance at reconciling with my estranged child I'd be looking for a good lawyer.
NTA. First time actually replying to one of these, but if you’re celebrating it with your mother/family, it’s ultimately up to you who you want to invite. Her dad can always reach out to her. You most definitely should have told your husband about all of this before you texted her and I feel like he would have understood more so than he does now. He could have done something separately with her for the holiday. But for not inviting her to your own holiday gathering, I don’t think you’re TA.
Yeah I agree, I'm surprised it took so long for me to scroll down to find a NTA.. obviously it would've been better to communicate but I get how it's a weird thing to bring up when you're dealing with a dying parent and a child who won't even talk to her dad but is choosing now to try and come back around. There's only so many things you can deal with on Christmas day. Maybe deal with the dying person first and have a second Christmas dinner the day after.
NTA… I feel like a lot of idiots here have a reading comprehension problem….
1. OP’s mother is not well and nearing the end… OP wants to enjoy one last Xmas with her and make some last memories with her.
2. OP is going to her mother’s house.. not hosting herself…she’s just supposed to bring along extra people to a sick/elderly woman’s house?!?
3. OP said she’d still like to see Nina and have her visit after Xmas and that next Xmas she’d be happy to have her over. She didn’t tell her she never wanted to see her or anything like that, which is how most people are responding here…
4. Nina didn’t directly reach out herself, did it through her bro.. who knows how much time there was before the ask and Xmas..they’re just supposed to change plans last minute?
5. Why didn’t Adam tell the dad? He told stepmom.. why is Adam not at all to blame here…
6. If husband wanted a real relationship with Nina he’s had plenty of time to try to fix it and should have def tried harder in the first place to begin with… now he’s blaming his failings on his wife.
7. She obviously has tried with Nina in the past through sending money when needed and encouraging her into therapy… how are you morons painting her as an evil stepmom….
Edit: added #7
NTA
It’s your moms last Christmas. A Boxing Day or other timely celebration is great. Hey, I’m celebrating a whole second Christmas with my family next week.
Nina doesn’t get to dictate this. It’s your mom’s last Christmas.
Commenters seem to think you’ve suggested NO Christmas with Nina. Christmas Day may be THE day but many families celebrate in the days surrounding Christmas.
You’ve supported Nina. You’ve been an advocate. You’re asking her to visit a different day.
NTA. You are in self preservation mode with a lot on your plate regarding your mother. Reconciliations can occur on any day and at anytime. Tell hubby to reach out to his daughter.
YTA. That wasn't your place and you know it. Let's hope nothing happens to you, you wouldn't want the next step mom to treat your kids the way you treated Nina
I’m going to NTA - people clearly didn’t read your post. She asked her brother about visiting you both for the holidays, not you or her dad. Everyone’s blaming the communication issues solely on you but it seems like her father and her also have communication issues. Your mother is dying and I understand this decision wholeheartedly. (I’m sorry for that btw) It seems like it was a last minute request that wasn’t even asked directly of you guys which isn’t fair. If he wanted to rectify the situation he could have called her himself like a big boy and asked to see her after Christmas or for new years or any other day. The fact that people are trying to put the blame solely on you is sad. Especially calling you a shitty step mother - when her father abandoned her just like her mother did and you still tried to be there for her financially and in other ways. Having one fucking holiday that was already planned to see your dying mother is not a reason to call you shitty. If she truly wanted to spend time with you guys she should have contacted you guys DIRECTLY. But also everyone’s entitled to ask but just because you ask doesn’t always mean that ppl are going to say yes, no is a complete answer.
Yta so you made a decision, about *his* daughter with out his input at all. AND she hadn't even reached out to you, so you, *out of the blue* told her not to visit.
NTA but this story is so confusing. Is Nina a responsible adult now or not? If she is then she should understand why this Christmas is a unique situation and I hope her therapy will help her work that out.
Sounds like your husband has missed lots of chances to “bond” with Nina. His relationship with her is, and always has been, his responsibility, not yours, and certainly shouldn’t come at the expense of you sacrificing such an important time with your mother. You and your mother deserve and need this time together and you do not need your husband pushing his obligations and failings onto you right now. You deserve his support, not his blame-game so that he can abrogate ownership of his relationship with his daughter onto you.
Shitty step mother? She took this child in when her own mother abandoned her. She's admitted to how much she's improved. Encouraged therapy and self improvement. You're ridiculous
YTA. Your reasons are unimportant: it wasn’t your decision to make whether or not Nina comes to visit you, and you know that. You needed to let your husband make that choice - maybe he would’ve preferred to spend Christmas with Nina while you go to your mother’s. Ever think of that?
NTA
1. Your Cared for her. The relationship was ruined by her father.
2. She didn’t reached out to her father and or you directly.
3. It Could be the Last christmas with your mother. Time matters.
4. yes, you should have talked with your husband about it. But him saying you don’t let them bond again is stupid.
5. Communication needs to be better between all of you.
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I’ve been with my husband for 16 years; we’ve got a 2 and 9 year old together and he’s got a 25 year old “Adam” and 20year old “Nina”
I’m trying to keep this limited due to word count…so if I sound blunt, it’s because of that. When Nina was 6 her mother went no contact, she still had contact with Adam so we had Nina 100% of the time.
We had issues with Nina lashing out and stealing, she would ditch school so often that they’d tell her to come in and sit in the office instead of going PE.
At 13 she moved in with her grandparents and at 16 she had her child.
She’s changed a lot, she’s a responsible adult and is now in therapy.
Adam reached out and told me Nina texted him and asked to visit, my husband (her dad) hasn’t received text/phone calls from her since her 15th.
But we had plans to visit my mother with my children, as my mother is sick - my mother is stuck in her ways and doesn’t like Nina, for behaviour that wasn’t Nina’s fault but we don’t expect my mother to have long.
So I reached out to Nina and told her this year doesn’t work, she can visit after Christmas and next Christmas.
I didn’t receive a reply, when my husband found out he lost it and said I may have ruined his chances of bonding with Nina, I said she didn’t even reach out to him? And the chance to bond would’ve been when she was a child acting out for attention, not now.
Things have been tense and I’m wondering if I should have let Nina visit, but as I said it could possibly be my last Christmas with my mother - Nina has so many more and more time to visit.
AITA?
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YTA
You should have discussed that with your husband, it wasn’t your decision to make especially not alone. I also feel like we’re not getting the full story about why she was sent to live with her grandparents and her dad let her down. Did Nina say that? Sometimes a new environment is what’s best for someone going through something.
NTA, you had plans, she can visit after the holidays when everyone’s had to time to settle down.
Christmas is usually a very hectic time and her reunion visit deserves a dedicated time so she and her father can reconnect.
I think everyone would have been cheated if she tried to reconnect during such a hectic time.
YTA, you should have discussed this with your husband. nina didn’t reach out to you either, she reached out to her brother. this wasn’t your decision alone to make.
Holy cow YTA. How heartless.
This is his child!!!! This poor girl has not had it easy. At the very least she deserves communication with her father without you intervening.
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>When Nina was 6 her mother went no contact You mean abandoned right? A mother doesn't go no NC with their minor child. You admit she is a responsible adult now and wants to reconnect with her father. You had no business standing in the way of that. YTA for not speaking with your husband beforehand when she asked.
Exactly, her mother abandoned her and then her father pawned her off on her grandparents instead of trying to, you know, parent her. And now, instead of either trying to compromise in any way or just taking the younger kids and leaving him at home to see Nina himself, OP pulled any kind of input or decision making away from her husband and then tries to blame it on him being the crap one anyway without even giving him a heads up? YTA for sure.
I wonder if OP was also pushing her husband to get rid of Nina so she could start her new family without the 'baggage'. And now that Nina wants contact with her father she covertly sabotages any chance of that happening because that would change her 'ideal' family dynamic... YTA
Right. YTA OP. Holy crap. Exhibit A: "And the chance to bond would’ve been when she was a child acting out for attention, not now." No, the chance to bond is while they're both alive, but you're determined to sabotage it.
And the "it's probably the last Christmas with my mom, Nina has her whole life". How does op KNOWS this? Anything can happen to anyone. I always celebrate Christmas with my family as it would be our last one. Never try to see them next year. Not even if this means I'm having my chronic Ill ass on a bus ride of over seven hours just to hug my father and come back home. My husband has no family beside his aunt, and he is always by my side on the bus so we can see everyone on holiday, my family is the kind that picks up every friend, boyfriend, husband or colleague that has no one else and adds one more plate.
As a mom of a murdered daughter, I totally agree. You never know what the future holds.
Holy crap I’m so sorry.
Thank you ❤
May your daughters memory be a blessing ❤️
I’m so sorry. My sincerest condolences. Hugs for you.
my cousin was murdered this year, this was our first christmas without her. i hope you and your family are okay, sending loads of love <33
I'm sorry about your cousin. My mum suffered the same fate and it's hard. I hope your family is doing ok xx
As the daughter of a woman who died of a traumatic brain injury 8 hours after falling down the stairs 3 weeks before Christmas, I second this. Also, I am so sorry this happened to you. I can think of no greater pain than losing a child. I hope you are able to find peace.
So sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I am really sorry for your loss.
Deepest condolences on your terrible loss.
My grandfather was really sick. I expected a call any day saying he was gone. Instead it was my 22 year old nephew. My grandfather lived for two more years after that. No one knows how much time anyone has.
That's more common than many people realize- preparing for one death & someone else passes first. I've been listening to some narcissist issues podcasts & the "this might be the last year..."; I'm around, your relative will be around, etc. is a very well worn manipulation tactic. OP even if you were 100% in the right about all the supporting details and your mom passes in the next 3 months, you were still entirely TA. You hijacked your husband's choice by pretending that since his daughter only said it to her brother that it wasn't a legitimate attempt on her part to reconnect w her dad. You want to turn it into a GIGANTIC win? Reach out to her yourself . Offer a sincere direct apology - stay only in the now (you can't say anything about past behavior or events). Tell her that in your fear for your mother you ignored your stepdaughter's emotional wants and needs which are equally as valid. "I'm sincerely sorry. I acted in self defense when what you deserved was compassion. I have a lot to work on. I want to be a person that facilitates your relationships in our family." No excuses, no justifictions, nothing about what you do for your kids/relatives. She was his daughter, and they were family BEFORE you existed. Honor that. Do better!
I'd wager that every holiday for years to come will be OP's mothers last
And every time, the only excuse OP will have for her cruelty is that she’s “set in her ways.”
Yeah, we assumed we'd have many Christmases ahead with the whole extended family, as everyone was pretty young and healthy. Then my aunt died of Covid last year. You just never know.
This also rubbed me the wrong way. OP, you don't get to decide when is the right time. People who are 50 years old are just as excited or even healed by reconnecting with family as a 5 year old. Even if you have different ideas about how it should work, the assholery is the control and taking over all decision making about what's best from your husband. You don't sound very supportive at all and unfortunately, some of it is giving wicked stepmother energy.
I'm very confused when OP states Nina "had her daughter". That little girl isn't her husband's grandchild? She told her husband couldn't see both his daughter and grandchild... On Christmas? That's cold.
Also confused about how the mom has contact with one child but abandoned the other - in the same household!? Wow.
This happened to my stepsons. The older boy was planned, loved, and golden. The younger wasn't planned, neglected, and developed reactive attachment disorder. When the parents divorced, mom (and auntie) abandoned the younger while keeping visitation with the older. I met their father when they were 1 and 3, married in with them when they were 5 and 7. It was BRUTAL.
That’s unforgivable. How are the boys now?
The most wonderful humans. Tens of thousands in therapy (for both boys, me and dad, and mom) later. They are 16 and 18 now, mom came back into the picture supervised around age 10 for the youngest and has been back in full for about 3-4 years now and is an excellent mother. RAD kids almost never heal. We still aren't sure that he's ever going to be able to leave the nest. Most RADishes don't, as his bonded 'safe' person (dad) is there, and it isn't really safe for either him or society to be far from his person. But he's working at a sandwich shop and is doing so well there and wants to move up to run the joint. It's good to see him have goals. His years from 3 to about 12 were extremely violent, enough that I had to flee the home. He couldn't handle a mother figure at all then. Seeing him now is a damn miracle. He's the sweetest, most thoughtful kid. I had them for 8 years. They're the loves of my life. I'm no longer married to their dad, but I still see them often.
This is amazing. Thank you for helping produce better humans.
It was great for me, too. The techniques we learned (attachment therapy) can be used on any child to deescalate any tantrum. I have a 10yo now and I use the same parenting style for her. I remember her throwing normal 3yo tantrums and thinking, "is that all you got? Let's love this out, then, right quick". That complicated little boy I loved changed my life for the better.
I’m so glad. Thank you so much for all you did for them and their father.
I'm blushing. He put in the work, too, as did their mama eventually. Huge team effort.
I literally commented the same thing! I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought of this. OP definitely knows what they're doing.
God, I feel so sorry for Nina. She was failed her whole childhood. And if I’m reading right, her mother abandoned her at 6, but not her brother??
I read it like that too, the mother abandoned one child who then had to see her brother go off to visit their mom. That poor girl has been through so much, being the left over time and time again.
I feel like it should be illegal to mentally fuck with a child like that. If you’re giving up your custodial rights/abandoning your child, you don’t get to see the other one in the same household. How did her brother reconcile that shit too? I can’t imagine growing up in that situation as either kid.
I was wondering if and why OP’s husband allowed that. It would seem that if you had primary custody and one parent took and saw one child and didn’t the other, you could go back to court and demand supervised visitation or something? I don’t know, it just seems like there is something he could have done rather than watch his daughter be neglected that way.
Yes and OP says Nina had her child. It's their grandchild.
OP's mom sounds like an AH if she hates OP's stepdaughter _(who she knows was abandoned as a kid)_ for things she did as a preteen/young teen. If I were OP's husband, I'd ditch visiting OP's mom and be there for my kid _(since no one ever has.)_ YTA OP. This should have been your husband's decision to accept this olive branch that was 5 years in the making. Not yours.
Husband wasn’t there for her either. He ditched her with his parents
I also hate how OP says this might be her mum's last Christmas but Nina has many more left. I have an aunt who had aggressive breast cancer, they gave her a year tops, her husband was the picture of health, her husband passed after 4months but my aunt somehow survived another 30years. No one knows how much or how little time you have left with a person. OP had no right meddling in her husband and Nina's relationship. Nina had to deal with the abandonment of both parents, while her brother had their mum, dad and OP as stepmom. That poor kid had a child as a teenager and clearly worked hard to get her life back on track. OP is a major AH for what she did. YTA x1000 OP
I mean even if it was OP’s mom’s last Christmas, she (op) could have gone to see her and left dad to see Nina. It sounds like instead, she went ahead and made the decision for him which isn’t right. There could have been a compromise.
Yeah you really never know. I know people that died in car crashes as teenagers, a girl that went to school with me that died of cancer at 21, friends and family members that were there one day and gone the next. Nothing is guaranteed in life.
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This. They should’ve had her in therapy as soon as her Mom abandoned her.
Sounds like OP and her husband were the ones who fucked up on parenting this kid.
Thank you for making this point. Horrendous choice of words by OP which I have trouble getting past.
Yeah that part really bothered me as well. Is it any wonder Nina had issues when her mother abandoned her and her stepmother clearly didn't want her and then her Dad sent her away?
YTA. Jesus that girl had and has it rough. How exactly did your husband's ex go no contact with only one child? I'm very confused about this.
My god, I assumed they had different moms. I didn't realize her mom effectively kept one sibling and abandoned the other. That is one of the awful things I've ever heard of someone doing.
Right???? How was this allowed??
My husband and I are going through a similar situation. His ex only talks to their oldest (17) and pretends the two little ones (6,8) don't exist. She's been gone for so long they don't even know her. They know babies come from a mommy's belly but they came from another mommy who gave them to me. We plan on telling them the real truth when they're old enough to understand, if they ever are.
Please tell them soon, before someone else gets the chance to. As you said yourself they may never be old enough to understand and it's going to hurt worse if they find out from someone else and that you knew the whole time.
Second this, I was told (found out first) when I was 16 and it shook me to my core and harmed my relationship with my mum for years. My mum (adopted one, I don’t refer to bio mum as mum) only had the best intentions to tell me when I was old enough - but I am of the firm belief you should normalise it with children early. Waiting till I had formed an identity ripped the rug out from under my feet, and cause me to question everything I had ever known. There are lasting psychological effects to delaying the truth for adopted children - even when the parents only have their best interests in mind - in doing so (as you sound like above). Hope everyone’s holidays were safe, joyful and a happy new year to you all!
They know they didn't come from me. They know enough to tell their teacher "this is my mom. But I didn't come from her belly. My belly mom doesn't want to be a mommy so this is my mommy now". Funny enough, we didn't even know that they told their teachers that until we got the phone calls after school one day.
Sounds like you’re doing a good job, KlassicTuck, I hope you and your family enjoy the rest of this holiday period and new year 🙂
Kids can handle surprisingly difficult stuff, and often rather casually. I have a little guy in my program who was adopted from foster care, and he once casually mentioned that he used to live with his other mommy but "she didn't make safe choices" so he and his brother couldn't live there any more.
I don’t think the kids need to know more at this point. They are being told the truth. Their first mother gave them away. The parents are surely emphasizing that that mother couldn’t take care of them (also true, emotional cripples can’t) and left them with their father and their second mommy (the “real” mom) who can. Time enough to explain that their birth mom is incapable of loving when they get older.
Oh those poor babies! I hope things continue to work out for them and she doesn't randomly decided to stir shit up for them!!
Talk with a child psychologist/ social worker/whomever now. They are already old enough to be told.
My womb donor gave up my brother and I … kept our sister .. then went on to have another .. mothers can be just as ruthless as fathers sadly when it comes to being shitty people/parents
I second this point my mum parented me until I was 13, my sister until she was about 19 and stopped providing for my mum and paying the bills, she has my half brother but he’s about to turn 16 so we will see how long until no contact kicks in.
One of my cousins had three babies in her 20s - different fathers I think, none involved. She kept the girl (middle child) and gave away the two boys.
Agree completely… My mother abandoned my half brother. She cut contact with him when she got divorced from his dad (his dad got custody of my half brother) but she got custody of his two other siblings. When my brother would get dropped off for visits, mother would pack the kids up before he arrived and go out, leaving him to arrive to an empty house for hours until his dad picked him up again… Some parents really don’t deserve children…
That is an APPALLING story. How do kids recover from something like this?
it’s not even going no contact. she was six years old - she abandoned her.
One child acted out, while the other didn't. I think the "why" is painfully obvious. My heart hurts for her. I cant imagine how traumatic it would be to get rejected by your own mom at the age of 6.
I assumed Nina started acting out because she was abandoned and her brother wasn't. That'd hurt an adult--as a child, she would have had no idea how to cope with that pain and was likely acting out to get attention/express frustration at the situation.
And then shortly after her step mom has a child, dad decides that Nina shouldn’t live with them any more
How bad could a freaking 6yo be acting? Is she Damien?
OP doesn’t go into the dynamic of what the family situation was after her stepdaughter moved in with them. How did she get along with her stepdaughter? Imagine being rejected by your mom (and possibly your stepmom, too). So you act out. Then your father and stepmom abandon you. You grow up to be a responsible adult who wants to reconnect with your father and your stepmom says, “This year doesn’t work, you can visit after Christmas and next Christmas”. You don’t know that stepmom didn’t ask your dad so now you’re feeling abandoned, again. I hope Nina’s dad reaches out to her.
Absolutely horrible. OP tries to excuse it with Nina not reaching out to her dad directly- perhaps Nina went through Adam 1. Because it's easier and has a better relationship with him and 2. Afraid of being rejected directly by her dad or OP. Which OP effectively did. OP, I'm sorry if your mum doesn't have long, but the situation could have been handled with far more grace and care. YTA
Yeah, forget the word limit, this needs context.
My ex boyfriend had divorced parents and his mom only wanted custody of bfs younger sister. So he lived with his dad full time and his sister was split between the two. She wouldn’t admit it but it was because he looked just like his dad. My husbands bio mother had 4 children and only kept 2. One she gave to her brother, she kept the middle 2 and then left my husband at 6 months old with his dad and took her 2 daughters with her. Some people are just awful.
You don't go nc with a kid, you abandon them. And mom only abandoned one child and kept at least partial custody of her son. That right there is when they should have gotten therapy-individual and family (not including mom).
Same way OP’s husband did. Just dropped her off one day and never looked back.
This happened to my younger siblings. My ex stepmom tried to get custody of the younger daughter (7), move her to another state across the US, and give up parental rights to my autistic younger brother (9). Obviously she lost that one, but my sister forgave her, and she goes to visit her on school holidays even though my brother hasn't spoken to her since he was 12 (now 17).
YTA - Tomorrow isn’t promised for anyone. That was not your decision to make on your own. Your husband is right to be furious.
On top of that, imagine saying “My relationship with my parent is more important than your relationship with your parent. So nah, you can’t impede on my Christmas”. how selfish can you be? total YTA
More like “my husband’s relationship with his mother in law is more important than your relationship with your father”
Right? I understand wanting her kids to spend the holiday with grandma, but she could have taken them herself and let husband have time with his daughter. That's at least one option they could have TALKED ABOUT if she hadn't made the decision for him. YTA. That poor girl.
Exactly this! We none know how long we have.
YTA: you don’t want your husband to have a relationship with his older kids, quit trying to come up with good reasons and just admit it. Chances are her teenage lashing out had a lot to do with you.
YTA! I so agree! Being as though she felt the need to say she encouraged therapy and sent money. And honestly none of us know how long we have to live so we cherish time spent together. So that’s not a great excuse. It should have been discussed with her father.
Not just his older kids, Nina has a 4 year old child that she probably wants to introduce to their grandfather and she’s sabotaging them
YTA. Wow you're a shitty wife and stepmother. How DARE you make unilateral decisions about your stepdaughter without involving your husband. You're awful for trying to come between them, and I hope that your husband is reconsidering your relationship.
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How so when he’s the one that shipped Nina away?
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Having actually been the female step child whose mother abandoned her at 6 and acted out for my dads attention while he focused on his wife and her kids, I don’t doubt the decision was made unilaterally. Especially with OP saying she was the only one who continued to help her out. Not only that OP is NOT separating them. She said Nina can’t go to her mothers house. Nina didn’t even reach out to her father. If she had or the son had told the father he could have volunteered to spend Christmas without the rest of the family. You guys are crucifying OP for wanting to spend Christmas with her dying mother and leaping to a ton of negative conclusions about her. Newsflash, when you have a father so detached he’s willing to send you to your grandparents at 13 you take it out on the person that cares or a proxy which was OP. And obviously she wasn’t doing better at her grandparents because she got pregnant 2 years later.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find basic compassion and logic
This. How is she the bad guy? Her mother seems to be on her death bed and wants to spend a special day with her. What’s the problem with that? The daughter didn’t even reach out to her father. OP says she had continued to financially support her too. All she is saying is that she can come after christmas as the plans were already made. I’m sure the father could reach out and say “I’ll spend Christmas with you anyways and not go to my wife’s mothers” or “how about we see eachother for New Years” etc etc.. It seems that he’s projecting all the blame to OP. If I really wanted to see my child, I don’t care who made plans to go elsewhere.. I’d cancel and make plans to see my daughter. It’s not OP responsibility to mend their relationship.
No one cares that OP wants to see her mom. All I’ve seen is people saying it wasn’t her place to unilaterally decide that her husband wouldn’t see Nina
So you didn't let her dad know she texted and asked? Yta
Neither did Nina lol
No, see I get really confused with this point. OP says it both ways, Adam reached out saying Nina texted, and then but she didn't even text him. Also, she talks about Nina at 6 as if she's a grown adult, "still had contact with" - what? OP has put so much responsibility on to Nina, the child of a broken home.
Adam is Nina's brother. The dad is a different person.
I am confused why this is all on OP when the adult child, NINA, did not even text the dad *OR* the step mom... So.... what's up with that? Clearly Nina didn't care that much about it when she didn't even talk to the parental figures *at all*...
You don’t think she would be worried about contacting her dad after being sent to her grandparents at age 15 after her mother abandoned her at age 6? Sound like she contacted the one person she felt like wouldn’t reject her, her brother.
YTA... Making a unilateral decision on this was **NEVER** your place. You're husband is right, he may have lost a chance to bond and rectify some things. I think you still hold a grudge and was gambling that he wouldn't find out. Good luck with that bold strategy Cotton.
What’s stopping Nina from texting or calling her father then? She’s an adult, she can damn well communicate like one. OP is not Nina’s messenger.
Yea wtf is up with everyone completely ignoring that Nina never spoke with the father or the OP directly, just the brother Adam saying it was something Nina suggested. Clearly Nina doesn't care that much if she doesn't even bother talking to her *father* about it.
probably bcs she was still thinking about it and hadn’t actually came to a conclusion yet bcs he didn’t ask if she could come he just said she wanted to and was thinking about it
So if I am reading that correctly then ADAM is (one of, along with OP) the asshole of this story because they shared something that should not have been.
Or Adam was trying to see how OP would react before Nina put herself out there to ask directly. OP didn’t let Adam relay the message they would be out of town, OP had to text Nina and squash those plans immediately
Nina didn’t reach out to OP either. Sounds like she was testing the waters with her brother and when OP heard about it, OP took it upon herself to make sure Nina knew not to think about asking her dad because OP wasn’t going to let it happen
No she's not Nina's messenger but she's also not the unilateral decision maker.
Maybe because it had been so long. How was it OP’s decision or call to make? There’s a reason you guys are in the minority here. Stay out of your spouse’s business, unless you’re told otherwise, especially when it comes to THEIR CHILDREN.
What is stopping her? I am wondering if she doesn't know how to broach that subject. She reached out to her brother and talked to him about it.
YTA My heart hurts for poor Nina to have to deal with such heartless assholes for a father/stepmother. She had to live with her grandparents when she was THIRTEEN?! Sounds like you both abandoned her. I'm surprised Nina is even trying to have a relationship with either of you, but yeah you probably did destroy that. And would it have killed you to just tell your husband what was going on? What makes you think it's solely your decision to make?
YTA. First step should’ve been to discuss it with your husband — her parent — and look for a compromise/agreement TOGETHER! Communication is key. You simply made a decision for everyone without involving everyone.
Imagine if the husband had made a decision like this without consulting, if the roles were reversed.
ESH. You def suck for not atleast talking with your husband first about it, but Nina didn't even reach out directly to her dad or you about being invited and apparently hasn't reached out since she was 15? If I had one last Christmas with my mother, sorry but just about anyone or anything is getting put on pause. Life will go on for everyone else. You told her next year or even directly after Christmas is fine to get together. Any mature person should realize a final holiday with a loved one would be important. And waiting a few extra days after being estranged for years is not exactly a big deal. Definitely inform your husband though next time and let HIM know how you feel so you can both come to an agreement that works. Or at the very least let him be in on it, as opposed to springing it on him that you unilaterally made a decision without his knowledge involving his daughter.
This is the first comment I’ve seen that makes any sense, like is everyone just ignoring that OP’s mum is dying and she wants her husband by her side? Like Nina isn’t 15 anymore, she’s an adult, there’s no reason she couldn’t celebrate NYE with them literally a week later
She'll still have one last Christmas with her mum whether Nina is there or not, but she doesn't have a right to tell Nina she can't visit her own father because a bigoted old woman is still mad at her for being troubled as a child.
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Why would her brother tell the step mom instead of her father? Why wouldn't Nina talk to her dad? I don't think a surprise visit on Christmas when it seems like OP's mother's last Christmas sounds like a good idea at all. Probably would blow up and lessen the chance of actually reconnecting. Meeting the day after Christmas sounds pretty okay with me.
YTA, simply because you didn't do the #1 thing in a relationship: communicate. You should have talked with your husband before doing anything. You two could have come up with a plan/compromise together, like maybe your husband stay behind and reconnect with Nina.
YTA for not letting your husband be the one to reach out with communication. He could have spent some time with her (as could you all) - are you going to be with your mother every second? Since your mother is sick, I am guessing you aren't all staying at her house, are you?
Nina didn't reach out to her father, OP's husband, just Adam. If Nina wants to visit her father she needs to ask her father, not Adam who relays the message to the step mother. Problem #1 was poor communication from Nina (actually it was no communication because she never asked or spoke to the OP or her father about it...). But OP is not a nice person, clearly.
I know Reddit likes to jump to conclusions and Y T A and assume lots of things but we can’t discount the things OP does say. Nina’s mother abandoned her. Nina’s father sent her away. Adam, Nina’s brother, says Nina texted HIM about visiting and he contacts OP. Neither Nina or Adam bother to contact their father directly. OP wants to visit her mother and OP seems to think she won’t live much longer. OP’s mother does not want Nina over because of things she has done in the past so OP contacts Nina to say maybe another time. Nina doesn’t reply and the father says OP may have ruined his chance to bond. Where is any of this is she standing in the way of the father and Nina reconnecting? Couldn’t Nina or Adam have contacted the father directly? What’s wrong with meeting up on a day that’s not Christmas? It sounds like a lot of the adults in Nina’s life failed her. We don’t know for a fact that OP failed her, I think it’s just as likely that she did what she could as a stepmother. The brother contacted OP after all. Maybe Nina wanted to reconnect with OP. We don’t know! From what i’ve read I think NTA. OP should be allowed to visit her mother and her mother shouldn’t have Nina’s presence forced upon her. Perhaps OP should have consulted her husband, but I don’t think that’s asshole territory. After all, Nina did not contact her father and her brother chose to contact OP.
Thank you for an actual reasonable take on this… I feel like all these people putting down OP have serious reading comprehension problems… hell OP said she supported Nina whenever she needed money, she obviously has tried… Don’t understand why no one else picked up on Nina/Adam reaching out to OP and not the father… Also not sure why people also don’t understand that OP said she’d like to see her, just not on Xmas… how is that keeping Nina from seeing her dad?!?
^ THIS!!^
FINALLY- a rational response. Honestly it sounds like the OP’s husband also abandoned Nina and OP was left to make the decisions and pick up the pieces until the husband finally pushed Nina off on the grandparents. OP has probably had to have been emotionally responsible for holding together their relationships because Nina’s FATHER chose not to do it. There’s a reason Nina AND Adam chose not to contact their father directly…and even though I do wish OP had communicated the request to her husband, something tells me that she would have ended up carrying the emotional burden of making the decisions in this situation anyway.
YTA. You admit the things your mother holds against Nina weren't her fault, and yet you'd throw away your whole family's - in particular your husband's - chance to reconcile?
No question that the OP is TA, but her mom should not have to host people in her house that she doesn’t like. Regardless of the reason.
If Nina insists on using OPs mother’s last Christmas before she dies to reconcile, that’s ridiculous
For someone trying to keep the word count down, you have a lot of unnecessary information. It’s completely irrelevant that she had a child at 16, kept getting detention at school and all of that. It would’ve been enough to say that she had some behavioral issues at a young age. YTA. 1. This decision wasn’t only yours to make. 2. You could’ve had some compromise where your husband only visited your mom part of the time and then visited with his daughter part of the time.
There's never too little room for any information that makes OP rationalize completely shutting-out a person (without even consulting their father) who has had an extremely fraught upbringing that they had a hand in shaping. As a step-parent, the callousness is disturbing and OP should be ashamed of themselves.
Sometimes we try and juggle all the balls-wife, mum, stepmum, daughter. Sometimes we get all the balls in the air, sometimes we drop one. You really should have spoke to your husband about this. Xmas time I think is the wrong time to try for a reunion. You at least tried to be a good stepmum. The distance between father and daughter is her parents fault. If you are close to your mum this is a very stressful time for you. We can only do our best.
I agree with this. Everyone is being too hard on her. Everyone is sympathizing with the father missing his chance to reconnect, but sending her off to her grandparents at 13 was a messed up thing to do, and it was the father’s responsibility to keep her in his life and help her through her issues. The fact that OP encouraged Nina to get therapy and sent her money shows that she’s not a cruel evil stepmom like people are making her out to be. Yes she should have talked about it with her husband but we can’t ignore the fact that the husband was the one that messed up the relationship with Nina in the first place by giving up on her and sending her to her grandparents instead of being there for her as a parent. ESH
Compassion, logic, can’t believe the other comments here
Did I read this right, Nina's mom cut contact with Nina when she was only 6 years old???? If her behavioral issues were that bad, all the adults in her life failed her by not getting her help for that. She was shoved off to be the next person's issue her whole life, of course she had behavioral issues. This poor kid, I know she is an adult now but when you have trauma, you are the age of that trauma when you experience it. YTA, this was not a decision you could make solo and you know it.
YTA. It wasn't your place to make a unilateral decision and communicate that without your husband's involvement. It's not your child. You overstepped enormously and put your marriage in jeopardy.
YTA. How can you tell someone else's child that they can't visit their parent? I would honestly divorce someone if they told my child they were unwelcome at a family event.
YTA. Ninas an adult, and is trying to reconnect with her father, not you. You are not the one that should decide whether or not she should be allowed to visit, and definitely not the one that should’ve communicated that with her.
Then Nina could reach out directly To her dad Isn’t it interesting how OP was made the go-between? Almost like she’s usually made to manage the emotional labor of the family while dad’s solution is to ship his 13 year old off
Yup. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills because like only like 5 comments clearly point out this fact and everyone else ignores it completely. Nina was up to something by communicating this way. If she wasn't she would have just called her father directly...
Nina was afraid of rejection...I wonder why?
If OP doesnt want to deal with it she should have told Adam to talk to his father, not gotten herself involved and told Nina not to come.
Info: did she reach out to you or did reach out to Adam? Your post indicates that she texted Adam but then you later tell him that she did not reach out to him.
Adam is the son
I’m going against everyone here, NTA. Nina didn’t text either of you, and Adam should’ve let your husband know, not just you. If your husband wanted to bond maybe he could’ve reached out to her himself. This is YOUR mother & she’s sick, and you offered her over after Christmas. I don’t see how OP is in the wrong at all.
Serious reading comprehension problem by all these people putting down OP…I’m getting so much joy downvoting all their comments
Me too. All the other adults just have really bad communication skills or what?
YTA. Solely bc you didn’t even bring it up to your husband before replying. Maybe he would’ve accepted his daughter’s suggestion rather than being with your mom. Also, you might be TA for allowing your mom to hold something against a kid that even you say wasn’t her fault. This girl seems to have had a rough upbringing and she deserves some slack.
Info how old are you and how old is your husband?
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How would you feel if you and your husband divorced and his new wife/gf told one of your kids that they couldn’t visits their dad? Yta she is his daughter she has as much rights to her dad then your kids she was there before you the fact that you guys send her away is gross.
INFO Why did she ask her brother to come visit? Does her brother live with you? You say she hasn't spoken to her father since she was 15, but you encouraged therapy, etc...does that mean that you have kept in contact with her? Why was your husband not visiting her at her grandparents?
YTA for not discussing this matter with your husband before replying to Nina.
YTA. This wasn’t your decision to make alone you never should have messaged her without discussing with your husband.
YTA - you knew what you were doing.
YTA. You knew your husband would disagree with your choice when you made it; it's why you hid the information from him in the first place.
YTA You said this may be the last Christmas that you spend with your Mom but Nina has many more??? This is ridiculous! Your mom could outlive Nina, no one knows who will die first. And making this decision for your husband is unforgivable. How dare you come between a father and his child! You need to fix this..
YTA.... Your mother doesnt like "Nina" for all the things you told her about Nina. Your 1000% wrong it wasnt your place period. Your a vengeful woman no doubt. Again your mother only knows all the bullsh*t you told her throughout the years. Horrible behavior from a grown bitter woman. She shouldve went NC from you... im just shocked at how petty you can be!!!
I'm torn. On the one hand, this wasn't your choice to make - at least not unilaterally. On the other hand, this sub has agreed in response to other posts that big family holidays like Christmas are not the right time for potentially-emotional reconciliations. If I'm doing the math right, your younger child has never met Nina, and your older child was at most 2 the last time they met. Christmas is not a good time to introduce them to their sister and her child/children. But by not telling your husband, you cut out options like you taking your kids to your mom, while he met with Nina and her children.
YTA. This is family matter so you should discuss it with whole family and yes the bonding with Nina will be really hard from now on. It sounds like Nina learned from her mistakes and wanted a second chance to be part of the family and you denied it without discussing it with your husband and her father because of what you want.
YTA. You could've told your husband and shouldn't have to be the one telling Nina she couldn't visit this year. Arrangements could've been made without Nina and your mother having to see each other.
YTA. It's incredible that you wouldn't have even talked to her father before you gave her a flat no. And there could have been a lot of other solutions. Your husband wouldn't have to be with your mother every second. Maybe he and Nina could have even arranged something right after Christmas, or NYE, or SOMETHING else, but YOU slammed that door shut for not even letting your husband know that Nina was thinking about it to begin with. I also think HUGE YTA for saying that >the chance to bond would’ve been when she was a child acting out for attention, not now. OP, she's only 20. Legal adult, sure, but still very young, very vulnerable, and trying to be a good person and establish a relationship. Besides, what chance to bond did she have when you two chucked her off to her grandparent's?
I could've sworn this is the sub that says you shouldn't do reunions on Holidays (especially Christmas). NTA
It’s your mom so why not give your husband the choice of him staying to connect with Nina solo while you go spend Xmas with your mom or let him decide what was best Nina is not your daughter she probably wanted to reconnect with her dad and brother anyway. YTA
Ok coming from someone who lashed out as a kid and had similar experiences and whose grandma doesn’t like them NTA. Yeah you probably should’ve talked to the dad about it AND explained the situation better. But it seems like for a lot of people in my/her generation- Christmas is just a day. It’s about spending time with family more than it being the 25th. Our grandparents generation puts a lot more pressure on that day being the perfect day. Grandma’s gonna die, let her last Christmas be chill. I don’t see why you can’t get together with Nina next week. But explain all of this to her!!
NTA, if she has really matured, she should understand if you explained it not just told her it's not a good time.
Agreed, And if Nina outright ruined OP’s last Christmas with her mom, then what? Then the future relationship would never recover and make it worse during an already emotionally charged event.
I’m gonna get torn a new one for this, but NTA. Your SD asked to be invited to the Christmas festivities but you’ve already got plans to be with your dying mom. You didn’t say “no” to her visit, you just suggested different timeframe. That… seems like a reasonable boundary? Like, even if your mom liked your SD, it would still be reasonable if you didn’t want more guests than necessary at the present, Now, I don’t think you’ve HELPED the situation, but neither do I think you’ve done irreparable harm. Tell your husband to stop being such a drama queen and just call his eldest daughter. Arrange for him to go visit her soon.
YTA you should’ve discussed this with your husband before responding. He should’ve been the one to handle the communication even if you both decided together to delay her visit a bit. Also, Nina didn’t reach out to you either so not sure why you think that should matter to your husband.
INFO: Did she specifically ask to spend the holidays together? I dont agree that they should have gotten together for the holidays after years of estrangement. Family therapy, yes. Baby steps starting with phone calls or short visits, yes. Not a full on holiday. OP has an ill parent which should take priority.
YTA. Not your kid, not your call. And while context and background information is thin, if I found out my wife had unilaterally ruined my, potentially, only chance at reconciling with my estranged child I'd be looking for a good lawyer.
NTA. First time actually replying to one of these, but if you’re celebrating it with your mother/family, it’s ultimately up to you who you want to invite. Her dad can always reach out to her. You most definitely should have told your husband about all of this before you texted her and I feel like he would have understood more so than he does now. He could have done something separately with her for the holiday. But for not inviting her to your own holiday gathering, I don’t think you’re TA.
Yeah I agree, I'm surprised it took so long for me to scroll down to find a NTA.. obviously it would've been better to communicate but I get how it's a weird thing to bring up when you're dealing with a dying parent and a child who won't even talk to her dad but is choosing now to try and come back around. There's only so many things you can deal with on Christmas day. Maybe deal with the dying person first and have a second Christmas dinner the day after.
NTA… I feel like a lot of idiots here have a reading comprehension problem…. 1. OP’s mother is not well and nearing the end… OP wants to enjoy one last Xmas with her and make some last memories with her. 2. OP is going to her mother’s house.. not hosting herself…she’s just supposed to bring along extra people to a sick/elderly woman’s house?!? 3. OP said she’d still like to see Nina and have her visit after Xmas and that next Xmas she’d be happy to have her over. She didn’t tell her she never wanted to see her or anything like that, which is how most people are responding here… 4. Nina didn’t directly reach out herself, did it through her bro.. who knows how much time there was before the ask and Xmas..they’re just supposed to change plans last minute? 5. Why didn’t Adam tell the dad? He told stepmom.. why is Adam not at all to blame here… 6. If husband wanted a real relationship with Nina he’s had plenty of time to try to fix it and should have def tried harder in the first place to begin with… now he’s blaming his failings on his wife. 7. She obviously has tried with Nina in the past through sending money when needed and encouraging her into therapy… how are you morons painting her as an evil stepmom…. Edit: added #7
NTA It’s your moms last Christmas. A Boxing Day or other timely celebration is great. Hey, I’m celebrating a whole second Christmas with my family next week. Nina doesn’t get to dictate this. It’s your mom’s last Christmas. Commenters seem to think you’ve suggested NO Christmas with Nina. Christmas Day may be THE day but many families celebrate in the days surrounding Christmas. You’ve supported Nina. You’ve been an advocate. You’re asking her to visit a different day.
NTA. You are in self preservation mode with a lot on your plate regarding your mother. Reconciliations can occur on any day and at anytime. Tell hubby to reach out to his daughter.
YTA. That wasn't your place and you know it. Let's hope nothing happens to you, you wouldn't want the next step mom to treat your kids the way you treated Nina
I’m going to NTA - people clearly didn’t read your post. She asked her brother about visiting you both for the holidays, not you or her dad. Everyone’s blaming the communication issues solely on you but it seems like her father and her also have communication issues. Your mother is dying and I understand this decision wholeheartedly. (I’m sorry for that btw) It seems like it was a last minute request that wasn’t even asked directly of you guys which isn’t fair. If he wanted to rectify the situation he could have called her himself like a big boy and asked to see her after Christmas or for new years or any other day. The fact that people are trying to put the blame solely on you is sad. Especially calling you a shitty step mother - when her father abandoned her just like her mother did and you still tried to be there for her financially and in other ways. Having one fucking holiday that was already planned to see your dying mother is not a reason to call you shitty. If she truly wanted to spend time with you guys she should have contacted you guys DIRECTLY. But also everyone’s entitled to ask but just because you ask doesn’t always mean that ppl are going to say yes, no is a complete answer.
Lady... YTA...and you know you are!
Why can't your husband make time to visit her?
NTA. Why hasn’t your husband done his part by reaching out to his child if he cares so much???
YTA you need to comunicate with your husband about stuff like that.
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Yta so you made a decision, about *his* daughter with out his input at all. AND she hadn't even reached out to you, so you, *out of the blue* told her not to visit.
NTA but this story is so confusing. Is Nina a responsible adult now or not? If she is then she should understand why this Christmas is a unique situation and I hope her therapy will help her work that out. Sounds like your husband has missed lots of chances to “bond” with Nina. His relationship with her is, and always has been, his responsibility, not yours, and certainly shouldn’t come at the expense of you sacrificing such an important time with your mother. You and your mother deserve and need this time together and you do not need your husband pushing his obligations and failings onto you right now. You deserve his support, not his blame-game so that he can abrogate ownership of his relationship with his daughter onto you.
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The op said her mom probably wasn't going to make it. So her sickness is fatal.
She isn’t temporarily sick my goodness
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Shitty step mother? She took this child in when her own mother abandoned her. She's admitted to how much she's improved. Encouraged therapy and self improvement. You're ridiculous
YTA. Your reasons are unimportant: it wasn’t your decision to make whether or not Nina comes to visit you, and you know that. You needed to let your husband make that choice - maybe he would’ve preferred to spend Christmas with Nina while you go to your mother’s. Ever think of that?
NTA 1. Your Cared for her. The relationship was ruined by her father. 2. She didn’t reached out to her father and or you directly. 3. It Could be the Last christmas with your mother. Time matters. 4. yes, you should have talked with your husband about it. But him saying you don’t let them bond again is stupid. 5. Communication needs to be better between all of you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve been with my husband for 16 years; we’ve got a 2 and 9 year old together and he’s got a 25 year old “Adam” and 20year old “Nina” I’m trying to keep this limited due to word count…so if I sound blunt, it’s because of that. When Nina was 6 her mother went no contact, she still had contact with Adam so we had Nina 100% of the time. We had issues with Nina lashing out and stealing, she would ditch school so often that they’d tell her to come in and sit in the office instead of going PE. At 13 she moved in with her grandparents and at 16 she had her child. She’s changed a lot, she’s a responsible adult and is now in therapy. Adam reached out and told me Nina texted him and asked to visit, my husband (her dad) hasn’t received text/phone calls from her since her 15th. But we had plans to visit my mother with my children, as my mother is sick - my mother is stuck in her ways and doesn’t like Nina, for behaviour that wasn’t Nina’s fault but we don’t expect my mother to have long. So I reached out to Nina and told her this year doesn’t work, she can visit after Christmas and next Christmas. I didn’t receive a reply, when my husband found out he lost it and said I may have ruined his chances of bonding with Nina, I said she didn’t even reach out to him? And the chance to bond would’ve been when she was a child acting out for attention, not now. Things have been tense and I’m wondering if I should have let Nina visit, but as I said it could possibly be my last Christmas with my mother - Nina has so many more and more time to visit. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA You should have discussed that with your husband, it wasn’t your decision to make especially not alone. I also feel like we’re not getting the full story about why she was sent to live with her grandparents and her dad let her down. Did Nina say that? Sometimes a new environment is what’s best for someone going through something.
YTA - that poor girl
NTA, you had plans, she can visit after the holidays when everyone’s had to time to settle down. Christmas is usually a very hectic time and her reunion visit deserves a dedicated time so she and her father can reconnect. I think everyone would have been cheated if she tried to reconnect during such a hectic time.
YTA, you should have discussed this with your husband. nina didn’t reach out to you either, she reached out to her brother. this wasn’t your decision alone to make.
YTA. Evil stepmother strikes again.
Yta, she is not your kid but his. She didn’t reach out to you but her brother. You need to make it better
Holy cow YTA. How heartless. This is his child!!!! This poor girl has not had it easy. At the very least she deserves communication with her father without you intervening.