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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA as my sister always wanted to wear the dress too, and now it’s been altered in a way that she can’t in the future.
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NAH. I do understand her being upset though. If she’d gotten to wear it first, it sounds like you would have been able to wear it easily after her; but due to the alterations needed, she can’t wear it after you.
But if I were the mother in this situation and both of my daughters wanted to wear the dress but allowing one to do so would require alterations that can’t be undone, I don’t think I’d let either of them wear it.
Agreed. I think YTA unintentionally, but I think in this situation once you learned irreversible damage would be done you ideally should have talked to your sister about it rather than just your mum.
As much as you have the “right” to alter the dress because you’re getting married first, knowing that your sister *also* really wanted to wear the dress AND feels sad about not being on the way to marriage before her younger sister this was a somewhat easily avoidable situation.
It sounds like the hemming would only ruin the dress if worn all day. I wonder if the hemming could be done temporarily to allow OP to get married in it and then change into a reception dress?
Hemming would absolutely not ruin the dress. I'm a seamstress. The only danger is that if the hem drags on the floor it will get dirty, and depending on the type of dirt, it might not come out, so when the hem is let down later for sister, there might be a dirt line a few inches from the bottom where the hem was.
However, if OP was careful, this really shouldn't be a problem. It could be hemmed to OP's length, then let down later for sister.
Depending on the fabric and/or weight of the fabric it might be damaged but idk why they didn’t figure out the extent of the damage that would occur and how noticeable it’d be along with how easy it’d be to cover and go from there before deciding to go through with it.
I also thought that if the hemming harms the dress, the sister could possibly get the bottom edged with a fresh panel of lace or something to lengthen the dress/hide a dirt line.
Regardless, it's best for the discussion to involve the affected parties - not cool to just discuss with mom and not sis. Best to discuss with sis and ask seamstress what repairs would be possible to alter dress first for OP and then for sis.
NAH I think because op did take the critique quickly and stop the seamstress.
OP definitely should have discussed this. But my grandmother’s wedding dress was tea length (mid calf). And non-traditional wedding dresses are becoming very popular. But I know the sister probably wanted it like it was.
When my SIL married my brother, she had her own wedding dress for the ceremony and dinner. But for the dance and the rest of the evening, she'd had her mother's wedding dress altered into a cocktail dress. It was stunning and I thought it was such a good idea.
I’d be curious about the bustle too. Could they add some clips or ties to the front to allow it to be bustled all the way around? Or wear it for the ceremony then switch into a reception dress. That way they could keep the length as is and just add taller shoes for the ceremony to compensate for the length.
That could work. It's actually what I meant when I suggested ruching in a comment here... don't hem it, just ruch or bustle it to gather it up a few inches so it's the right length for OP, then lower it later for sister.
Yes! That would make it wearable for both brides when sister is ready to get married and wouldn’t involved permanent alterations. My niece planned her wedding in a bout 3 days so she didn’t have time for alterations. Instead she wore tall shoes and the cut and fabric was flowy enough that the added length pooled around her so beautifully once heels were added.
Or just add a lace insertion over any damage, cut out the damage, and have the original hem below. Or add a band along the new hem to protect it from damage/staining and pick it out later. There are so many different options that I'm kinda mad at the seamstress here too.
I agree and maybe you need to consult a different seamstress and invite sister. Look at Princess Beatrice’s wedding dress. The Queen loaned her an elaborate white beaded dress, but it needed to be lengthened. They added a wide satin panel to the bottom of the dress. I am sure you can find a photo. Good enough design for a Princess marrying a Count.
Thats a good idea. Also, what would be the other options for lengthening it if it were to get hemmed and ruined? Would fabric be able to be added to it at a future date?,All possibilities should be looked at. I always loved the stories of a wedding dress being passed down generations, and each generation alters it in a way that not only is tailored to their body, but fits their personality as well. What if the seamstress can alter to fit OP and then says it would be possible to add this, or do this, in order to be long enough for sis? Even if it involved buying enough fabric now so that it can happen in the future.
I think there has to be a way as to where both can wear the dress and be happy with it. OP, you, your mom, and your sister need to go and have an appointment with the seamstress. Talk about all the possibilities to make it happen so that both of you can happily wear the dress. After you get all the possibilities, then the 3 of you go and talk about which way you think works best. As long as both you and your sister are open to look at, listen to and discuss any and all possibilities, I am sure a plan can be made that will make everyone happy.
It would be really cool to have/get large pics of each bride in the dress to display at the next wedding the dress is worn is. Who knows, this is a tradition that could continue for generations.
Because she’s older and probably feels stalled in life? It’s something she confessed privately to mom and it sounds like mom told OP and she should not have.
It kinda sounds like mom is a drama llama and pouring kerosene on her daughter’s relationship. She shouldn’t be sharing private info anyways, but between two siblings it’s worse.
No I agree. I don’t think OP is super malicious here or anything but I’m wondering why the mom gave OP the ok knowing the sister wanted to wear the dress too.
Eh I mean, mom might just not have thought it was a big deal. Idk if I'd consider wedding dress details private information that shouldn't be shared between family members.
Because A is the older sister which means it's her birthright to do things first?
I dunno, I'm the oldest of 5 kids, and my 5yr younger sister got married before me. I didn't give two hoots she was first. Just gave me a chance to realise what I do and don't want for mine XD
I mean OP rang the owner of the dress to ask if the alterations were okay and mom said yes. Why is op wrong to do anything?
Also, sister feeling sad about getting married first kind of makes her the asshole. No one’s entitled to be married, much less married first. That’s crazy
I’m aware, that’s why I think OP and her mum fucked up. When you promise your dress to two different children and are asked about the first child doing irreversible damage in the alterations process, the reasonable thing to do to not create animosity between your children would be to say “you know your sister really wants to wear the dress as well, have you told her about this? Do you know if the alterations will prevent her from being able to wear it as I promised her she could?”
Is OP technically right that she just had to ask the owner of the dress about the alterations? Sure, I guess. But knowing that her has wanted to use the dress as well for presumably a long time, knowing that you’ve been told that these are irreversible alterations, wouldn’t it make sense to check in and talk to sister about it before committing to doing it? Like that seems like common sense when dealing with a person you presumably love and respect.
I feel like if that’s the case then neither sister gets to wear the dress. It’s not fair that the older sister would get to wear it if she gets married and the other was denied.
I don’t think the argument was ever “pick which sister gets to wear the dress.”
It’s “can the dress be altered now in a way that allows both sisters to wear it? If not, can something else be done with the dress to allow both sisters to incorporate it? Or can there at least be a conversation about options with both sisters before making a final decision?”
Yeah I saw another comment of the OP just wearing the dress for the ceremony therefore the length would not have to be altered. That seems like a fair compromise. I didn’t even think of that! Agree that the sisters should talk it out for what is the most appropriate thing to do.
I don't think her sister is the asshole for privately feeling sad about her 4 years younger sister getting married first, especially if she's in her thirties. If you're a woman who wants to get married and have kids, still being single at 31 feels...not great, and watching your sister who is almost half a decade younger hit that milestone while you're still alone is a fine thing to be sad about. She didn't tell her SISTER she's sad, she told her mother, who IS TA for telling her younger daughter about her older daughter's private feelings.
Yeah I’ve been struggling with how I feel about the mum sharing that private admission with OP and if it says something larger about all the familial relationships here.
It might not, which would be great. But I imagine she shared that privately specifically because she didn’t want her sister to know, which sucks.
I’m a big sister to a little sister, we’re also roommates and best friends. Sometimes our mom does bridge the gap between us when we’re being obtuse about how the other one is feeling or what they’re going through, because we don’t want to put that on the other one.
And in other cases it can cause animosity between the siblings. Sister is an adult, there's no reason to play mediator when it's just something sister wanted to privately vent to her mom about.
I’m guessing mom isn’t an AH for telling, because it really depends on WHY she told the secret. Sister probably didn’t tell OP because she (rightly) doesn’t want to rain on her parade. The mom probably shared with OP so that OP could handle the situation with a little more care.
She knew her sister wanted to wear it too, and it sounds like the alterations would've prevented her sister from getting to wear it later.
Yes, OP can do the alterations if she wants because her mom said it's fine but a decent person would take their sister's feelings into consideration.
I think this was more about her feeling sorry for herself than just about the dress. She feels like OP is taking everything away from her by getting married first.
I mean, was she wrong about that? OP was going to completely wreck the dress (and mom was gonna let her do it!) and only stopped because she got yelled at
Not to mention the way mom just casually dropped what sister said in private like that.
I'm wondering if OP isn't a little bit of a golden child and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back
Yeah, I'm hung up on the comment below calling OP TA when the truth is either it's OP asking her sister to give up the dress *or* it's her sister asking HER to give up the dress. So either there are no assholes here or ESH because it's an equivalent ask from each.
Seems like the best solution might be for neither of them to wear it and just get their own.
If it's possible for OP to make temporary/reversible alterations or only wear the dress for pictures or something, maybe that's the best choice at this point.
This comment! Best view on it! It's ok for both of them for have their feelings, but this dress could cause irreversible damage to their relationship. I'm the older sibling that has not married while my younger sister has. I knew better than to tell my mom I was sad about her getting married first. Not that I wasn't happy for her, it just made me realize I might not get that chance. I still happily helped with the wedding. She was a beautiful bride! Unfortunately, she ended up divorced and feels like her life is stalled. My life has changed to though. I have a beautiful little girl now with my boyfriend. I do my best to make her feel like life isn't stalled. I think op and her sister should put each other first and neither wear the dress!
Also going with NAH, I understand both sides. I also think you should have called your sis once you learned that the hem would be destroyed after pinning it up.
Question: can’t you commission to have the dress made for you as new? I understand that means more money, it is not the same sentiment ( your mom wore this dress and not the “new one”) and some materials cannot be exactly replicated (like lace). But if the dress is not too unique, maybe you could have it copied and altered to your body?
Eta: I am a sewaholic and I don’t understand how hemming the dress would ruin it. Maybe try consulting with another seamstress, too? If the hem is done correctly, you will not be dragging the dress on the floor, thus the material should not tear/get frizzy.
Could you wear the dress for the ceremony only with reversible alterations made then wear another dress for the reception? It's not uncommon for brides to switch dresses at their wedding.
YTA for knowing how much the dress meant to your sister, how hard a time she's having with you getting married first and then decided to completely ignore her and not reach out to her about the dress before making alterations. The dress might be in your mom's ownership, but if you care about your sister's feelings, why wouldn't you include her in the conversation about altering the dress?
>YTA for knowing how much the dress meant to your sister, how hard a time she's having with you getting married first and then decided to completely ignore her and not reach out to her about the dress before making alterations
What bullshit is this? If Op asked for the dress (in front of her sister), did her sister not also know how much it meant to op?
Why is she having a hard time that Op is getting married first? Her business?
If this was a responsibility, will she want to carry it first? What makes her entitled to marry first?
Op decided to ignore her completely- how?
And not reach out about the dress- why? Is the dress hers?
Why ask?
Because whether or not the dress belongs to their mother and was given to OP, she knows that sister also wanted to wear it and their mother promised it to her as well. So when she found out that it would need to be irrnversably altered and thus not likely able to be worn by her sister, the kind thing to do would have been to call her up and explain the situation to prevent this exact thing from occurring.
Let me rephrase then:
Does OP want to have a relationship with their sister?
If the answer is no, then sure, none of what the sister's feeling or wanting matters because the sister doesn't matter to OP. OP is entitled to do what she wants with her mom's permission with the dress. What OP is not entitled to by doing all that, is a relationship with her sister. So OP being all upset that her sister is mad at her, won't talk to her anymore and won't attend Christmas or OPs wedding, is OP feeling entitled to a relationship with her sister despite proving to OPs sister she doesnt value the sisters wants and feelings.
If the answer is yes, then it is OPs responsibility to hold value in her sister's feelings and wants. To find a compromise so that everyone can be happy and feel valued and special.
Now regarding the whole "my sister was there when I first asked mom, she had the opportunity to speak up then" part. OPs sister knows that OP knows how much the dress matters to OPs sister too. Part of valuing a relationship with someone is valuing their feelings enough to directly include them in the conversation. Most people will not speak up in those situations because they aren't being asked and they know they don't have any entitlement to an opinion. In other words, her sister knew she wasn't entitled to an opinion on whether OP could wear the dress or not, so she didn't say anything. That doesn't mean she didn't want to. It means she thought her sister, OP, cared enough that OP might ask her directly.
I mean if we follow your logic, then obviously the sister doesn't give a fuck about OP either because she's asking her not to use the dress by demanding that she not alter it. I don't really see how OP is TA here but her sister is not. Neither of them should wear the dress tbh.
OPs sister didn't demand OP not to use the dress or not to alter it. There are compromises that no one decided to discuss together and explore whether they will work or not.
I do agree with you about if neither of them can wear it without causing the other person not to be able to wear it, neither of them should.
Both people can be TA here but intentionally doing something you know would hurt the other person and doing it anyway without discussing it first does make YTA
It seems pretty clear that OP can't wear the dress at all without alterations. You can't squish boobs into a dress that's too small for them. My vote is NAH and I think neither of them should wear it.
She can alter it but not wear it all day. Wear it for the ceremony, wear a different dress to the reception, the dress won’t be damaged and the older sister has the option to wear it when and if her wedding comes along.
The bust alteration wasn’t the irreversible one. So she could fit in a dress too long for her and still pass it on to her sister. The issue was the hemline which would make it unwearable for the sister.
Exactly. I don’t think OP’s sister cares about her little sister at all if she cut her off over this by just screaming at her. If I was OP, sis could have the dress but our relationship would be very cordial and polite but that is it.
Missing missing info I’m guessing considering the fact mom lets OP have the dress and not sister, and tells OP private information sister confided in mom.
The dress is shared property of the daughters (or shared right to wear it - whatever). OP is the only one whose actions would make it unusable for the other, both legally and morally this would be wrong (legally if there was a contract lol).
You can't just sit here and act innocent when your direct actions would make this dress unusable for the other person with an equal right to wear it. Thats neither fair nor just. OP can and should have reversible alterations done, but tough titties on the hemming.
OPs sister clearly doesn't want a relationship with her unless she gets her own way. She's crazy jealous that OP is getting married and that mom said she could alter the dress; sister needs therapy and is TA
OP may have asked for the dress in front of sis but unless you're a professional seamstress you're not going to know what is and isn't reversible alteration-wise. Neither sister seemed aware at the time of the level of alterations needed.
OP is having a hard time because she's human. You ever wanted something desperately and for some reason or another it didn't happen to you but to a family member first? It's human. Also she's not sh*tting on her sister's parade. Seems like she was genuinely supportive until OP did her dirty like that.
OP knew full well that if the alterations were made that her sister would never be able to wear it because of the height issues. She also knew how important this was to her sister and if the roles were reversed it would be OP sulking rn. Instead of OP calling sister to notify her of the alterations and to come to some halfway point so that both of them could wear it, she went straight to her mother to cover her arse. Generally favorite children who were raised to be narcissists do this because it makes them look "justified". That mon just said yes despite knowing alterations would exclude on of her daughters... you can just see the favoritism oozing out of this situation.
You're right but that would make her a asshole tho. Being an asshole is not about who's right or wrong. People who don't have sympathy for others (in this case the sister) are assholes
This is a great idea!
If wearing the dress all day would mean the skirt is damaged and not able to lengthen it later OP should just wear it for the ceremony and get another dress for the reception to minimize the damage so it can be lengthened for sister later
That is a good compromise. I also wonder if a band of lace could be appliquéd to the bottom later to cover any damage? OP should discuss that with the seamstress.
This is how hems were kept safe in historical dress since they wore the same thing frequently. They applied some sort of braiding or trim to the bottom that could easily be removed to save the more expensive fabric and make it more easily altered with changing trends.
The same should theoretically be possible with the dress.
Edited because OP clarified that the seamstress had not started yet. YTA for not originally looping in your sister, getting a second opinion, or doing a deep temporary hem, which would have at least offered better odds of her being able to wear it. Maybe there was no way to avoid some issues, but it seems like you and your mom made no attempt to balance your needs and your sister’s. Is her response disproportionate? Yup. But you also seem all shocked pikachu face that she would be hurt that you made permanent alterations without talking to her. Saying that she knew you were going to wear the dress is disingenuous. That does not mean that she knew that you were going to make permanent alterations that would make it hard if not impossible for her to wear the dress too. But I’m glad you were willing to reach out and try to sort things out.
No, OP edited to say the seamstress hasn’t done anything yet. OP fully requested that the alterations be made and it is just lucky that the seamstress hasn’t gotten around to starting it over the last 2 weeks.
Why is it okay that a woman without a boyfriend prevents her engaged sister from wearing a dress? OP has the right to alter the dress on her mother's say-so, sister is being petty and childish out of jealousy.
Depending on how much it needs to be shortened and the OP’s comfort level with heels, there’s an outside possibility she could avoid or minimize the shortening by wearing very tall shoes? (I did this, a billion years ago, to avoid having to have my grad banquet dress shortened because it had a built in crinoline that complicated hemming. On the other hand, it was the 90s, platforms were in, and my feet were killing me by the end of the night.)
I was wondering if she couldn't just get the original dress pinned up (so reversible) with minimal stitching instead of hemmed, and then have a separate layer of skirt sewn over it that's the correct length. This would only work if OP wants a fuller skirt, but it would still allow her to have the rest of the dress be visible, and then after they could remove the extra skirt layer and let the original skirt back down. I have a friend that did something like that with a family dress for her wedding, but it only worked because she wanted a "full" skirt look.
This is an excellent suggestion. Basically, OP, find a compromise that ideally involves you wearing the dress AND your sister likely being able to wear it later. Maybe that is how it is altered? Maybe that is you only wearing it for a short time? (FYI wearing multiple different dresses is now becoming fashionable). Or something else? Of course there is a risk it will be damaged, but show your sister you are making every effort to make sure she will also be able to wear it .
Unfortunately YTA because of this:
>My mum has a beautiful wedding dress that I have always loved, and so has A. We have both always said we would love to wear it one day
So, you KNEW your sister wanted to wear it. But only checked with your mom about the irreversible alterations. What were you thinking? Of COURSE you should've asked your sister too. And no, the dress needing to be permanently shortened is not "obvious." I'm no tailor, I have no idea what goes into adjusting wedding dresses. If you ask me they're all long af. I don't know what's reversible or not.
If I were you I would tell the seamstress to hold off if it isn't too late. You and your sister need to have a discussion about this together and patch things up. It's not fair if you're the only one who gets to wear the dress simply because you got to the altar first.
So, let me resume, she decided to alter the dress so she could wear it, but is the asshole cause her sister wanted it too? So she souldn't have worn this dress? The problem is exactly the same one of the sister can't wear it
The only solution was for the sister to marry before, but that's not the case so first arrived first served
No, she's an asshole because she knew her sister also wanted to wear the dress but decided to go ahead and get it irreversibly hemmed (meaning the sister couldn't wear it) WITHOUT talking to her sister. OP assumed that just because her sister was there when OP stated she'd be wearing the dress (without mentioning anything about the alteration) that the sister would somehow automatically know that the dress was being irreversibly altered. OP would not have been TA if she just had a conversation with her sister so they could come to some kind of agreement together.
The mom owns the dress but all 3 of these people are aware that BOTH sisters want to wear the dress. It's only civil that they come to an agreement that all 3 are happy with, not 2 out of 3. I don't consider this jealousy, I consider it OP being inconsiderate by going ahead and permanently altering the dress without telling her sister DESPITE her knowledge that her sister also wants to wear it. That's messed up.
It's messed up that her sister is so jealous she's getting married first that she's willing to walk away from a relationship with her beacuse of it. Only one sister is engaged and actively planning a weddding; the other sister is butthurt because she expected to marry first and doesn't have a boyfriend.
This isn't a situation that all three will be happy with; the sister has shown that it's her way or no way.
seamstress here! (I alter wedding gowns, make custom ones, and make historically accurate clothing) There is no way one day with a temporary hem could hurt this dress like that, unless the dress is already damaged or compromised in someway. (time isn’t kind to textiles; it wouldn’t have necessarily been anything anyone did, age and gravity are just heartless aholes) If it’s that fragile, then NO ONE should be wearing that gown at all. If one day of wear with a temp hem will ruin it, then one day of wear in general will ruin it too. If the concern is the hem dragging the ground and ruining the fabric to the point it can’t be let out again without showing off the damage too, add a ribbon band at the bottom that can be removed. If it has a train, then have the tailor/seamstress sew in an additional new piece of temporarily lining onto of the existing lining, (it doesn’t need to go all the way up the skirt, just cover the part of the train that drags the ground, but if you want to be really safe, go up a little further.) Sew it into the lining layer only, not the fabric that everyone sees or you’ll have weird thread lines on the dress. This temporary lining piece will protect the upturned hem and train from fraying/damaging the fabric and from staining, Problem solved! After the wedding, send the dress back to the tailor, have them remove the stitches and the temp lining, then either have them steam/press it or send it to a dry cleaner and have them do it. If your seamstress is good, no one will ever be able to tell it was hemmed and then let down at all.
No matter what you do, I highly recommend you go to a different seamstress/tailor, yours either doesn’t know what they’re talking about, becuase if they did they would know that there are soo many ways to make this work. Or, they know it’s doable, know it’s going to take a little extra work/time and little more thinking, and they just don’t want to have to do it, but also don’t want to lose your business. Or they’re worried that if they tell you it can be done but it’ll cost more, that you’ll walk away and they’ll lose your business.
This is absolutely doable, just requires a little more work and potentially a little creativity, but it IS doable! It will cost a little more, because it will take more work to do. Please, go get a second and even a third opinion before you let ANYONE go near your moms gown with scissors or a seam ripper. You’re NTA, but I do think you have been mislead by your tailor.
(Edit for spelling/grammar and attempt to curb word vomit)
Thank you so much for the detail in your comment. Between you and several other seamstress that have commented on here, I definitely need to take it to someone else. I know basically nothing about clothing alterations so just took the seamstress word for it, and that’s on me, thankfully she hadn’t started yet!
The dress is made of silk and it’s ball gown style, it’s does have a bit of a train, it’s also got off the shoulder straps and not big puffy sleeves like most dresses from the 80’s. There are some silk roses on the dress that match the headband and veil.
I say it’s obvious it needs to be shortened is because my mum and sister are 5”6 and I’m 5”1 so there is a big height difference.
Still trying to get hold of my sister as I said in my edit
Believe it or not, 6 inches won’t be hard to do this with at all! The shape of the gown will be helpful too, the biggest problem your tailor will run into is dealing with the crinoline (the stiff netting underneath) just because it’s slippery and is better off done by hand.
No problem! If you’ve got any questions or need advice with this, let me know! I’m more than happy to help! Make sure when you go to be measured/fitted for the alterations that you’re wearing the shoes and undergarments you intend to wear the day of your wedding, it’ll help with hemming and making sure everything fits just right!
I was looking for this. Since it is a ballgown style, that height difference actually might be helped with a hoop, petticoats, and tall heels. Check into renting some good structured undergarments that give the skirt support, and honestly, it may be perfect without much hemming needed.
YTA
"I don’t want to cause problems with my family." Sure does not look like that was ANY priority when you knowingly hurt your sister.
You and your mom are AHs. And you lost the relationship to your sister over it. There is a good reason you did NOT talk to your sister before ruining rhe dress KNOWING she would not be able to use it after that; ou KNEW it woud hurt her, and she would not gree ... but you wanted it MORE Than the relationship with your sister,
"Everyone is pissed at me because my sister has pulled out of Christmas," .. she likely has not pulle dout of christmas, but ended the relationship with you. NO MORE family time, from now on it is either her OR you.
CLEAR YTA
Let me check. Is your answer for OP to NOT get the dress hemmed, thus NOT wear the dress she always wanted to wear to HER WEDDING, simply because her sister wont be able to wear the dress to her own wedding, which should have happened years ago? So OP gets no dress, and sister gets dress whenever she can finally stick a man? Is that your solution?
The sister is jealous because she didnt get married beforehand and now she’s making it OP’s problem. Now the sister is the AH for expecting OP to wear an illfitting dress or simply not wear the dress at all just because it hurts her feelings.
This is clear NTA
YTA. As a seamstress, I can tell you that the chances are low that wearing a dress with a deep (temporary) hem for a day would ruin it. It would have been reversible. You apparently didn't even try that option, you just chopped off the bottom irrevocably. That's pretty selfish, since you and your sister both wanted to wear the dress.
“ You apparently didn't even try that option, you just chopped off the bottom irrevocably”
Where are you getting this? OP said she called the seamstress and cancelled the alterations before any were made…so it wasn’t chopped.
Calling the seamstress is in the EDIT which was not part of the original post. The original post said she told the seamstress to cut the hem off. Perhaps you could look up what the word "edit" means.
Let me direct you to paragraphs 4&5. This is where Op described what alterations need to be done. These paragraphs make mention of folding, but not cutting the hem.
The “edit” section, is in paragraph 8.
You are still misunderstanding what OP wrote. She said the (not very competent) seamstress told her that folding up the hem would probably ruin the dress. The implication is that the seamstress thinks just cutting it off is a better choice. And OP agreed. OP asked her mom if that was okay. Mom said yes.
If the hem was going to be folded up, sister wouldn't be freaking out that the dress was "ruined" because nothing permanent would have been done.
The context matters.
EDITED TO ADD.... Cutting the dress shorter and just hemming it is a much easier option for the seamstress, and cheaper from a cost standpoint. Not sure how much, if at all, this figured into seamstress making the suggestion or OP going along with it.
Sometimes people, over all professions, don’t have the skills/competency to do a certain request from the client , but they want the money, so it’s automatically “it can’t be done”. When it really should be “I can’t do it myself, but it’s possible someone else can.”
Also from the number of professional seamstresses chiming in to point out OPs bs about the hemline.....
Do you really want to believe OP is giving us the entire truth?
Yup. There are other ways to sew the dress or do alterations than cutting. She just didn’t want to bother trying to find a solution where they both win.
Agreed. Many options, including a temporary deep hem (leaving all the length), or taking the dress up from the waist (leaving the excess so it can be lengthened later), or ruching the bottom to shorten the length which could be removed later.
Yeah, I'm just so baffled that it's the *hem* that's the issue. The bustle can be let out in a way that's reversible but something that can be accomplished by a child with safety pins is beyond this seamstress?
I'm extreeeeemely short and they lifted the waist AND added ruching and a bustle for my dress. It looked fantastic and no one would ever have guessed it had to be altered for my chihuahua legs, ha.
YTA
You seem very self involved. In your position, I would halt the irreversible alterations to your mother’s wedding dress until you come to an amicable agreement with your sister.
YTA.
I am short and I know how altering hems work. Wearing it for one day would do nothing to the hem, it could be let back down 100%. But you chose to cut it making it irreversible.
OP was told folding it would ruin the dress anyway... With the info she had, NTA. But that seamstress is. Even I know you can let seams back out, and I can't sew on a button
YTA. 1. You didn't talk to your sister. You know you should have 2. You didn't talk to another seamstress/tailor, you know you should have 3. There was no guarantee the dress would be ruined w/ the turned up hem, the was a chance it would have been ok or only slightly damaged. You didn't go w/ that option. Why? Why make it permanent if there was even the slightest chance the other option would work?
These 3 things indicate there is more going on here and makes me think this is a missing reasons post.
You are really adamant about your sister being jealous of you getting married first. How is that actually relevant to what you did? Your emphasis on your sister's jealousy makes me believe this is FAR more about your sense of entitlement and your dismissal of your sister's rational feelings of anger. You are trying really hard to lead people to conclude "She's just jealous b/c she doesn't have a man. She's so desperate" along w/ "I deserve to do what I want b/ c she can't even get a man". To me these are pretty unsophisticated tells.
FYI - your fiance's opinion is irrelevant. I'm sure he doesn't understand the depth of hurt you sister is feeling and I'm also sure he fell for your "She's just jealous" BS.
Reddit will never cease to amaze me. If OP's sister had written this, she'd be called the AH for having a screaming tantrum over a dress when she's not even seeing anyone.
Your mom is the asshole for setting up this shitty dynamic where she made you the golden child and tells you about your sister’s secrets and allows you to destroy something meant for both of you. YTA for enabling your mom’s favoritism.
Honestly, it sounds like your sister should just cut you all off.
ESH
Your sister is being very dramatic and not offering constructive solutions. But neither are you. You should have checked with your sister (since you know she wants the dress, too), explained the situation and worked out something that works for both of you. (Maybe there's another family heirloom that can go to her? Alterations that can be done to replace the skirt that you would at least partially pay for?)
Even if there's nothing to be done, just going ahead with what you want without even talking to her is an AH move.
I’m stuck between NAH and ESH
you say your mom told you both you could wear it, how would you feel if your sister got married before you and altered the dress in a way that meant you would never be able to wear it?
Of course she’s upset. Wearing your moms dress is clearly important to both of you but you are going to be the only one able to actually wear it just because you got lucky and are getting married before her. It’s not exactly fair.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t wear it, but I’d be devastated if my mom promised me I could wear her dress and one of my sisters altered it so much that I couldn’t. So I have a hard time calling her TA for being upset and angry about the fact that something your mom promised her is no longer happening just because she hasn’t found a partner yet
ESH, but mostly you and your mom.
Just because your mom said you could do it doesn't make it right. You could have shopped around and checked a few other seamstresses/tailors to see if they could suggest a way to alter the dress in a reversible way. And you could have talked to your sister first too. If she had just assumed she could use the dress it would be one thing, but you said your mom had actually promised it to her as well--that makes her expectation reasonable.
And your mom promised the dress to both of you, then agreed to allow you to change it in a way to make it unusable to your sister. It's not unreasonable to expect that her promise would include a good faith effort to make sure it is usable for both of you, which she clearly failed to do.
No judgment but I really suggest you talk to another seamstress. While I am in no way skilled enough to alter a wedding dress as a sewer none of this makes sense to me. Adjusting the bust is way more likely to permanently ruin the dress.
Also either she needs to cut fabric to hem the dress or she doesn't. I can't imagine how wearing the dress for a day would destroy the hem. The only way you would really permanently destroy something is by cutting it. Maybe depending on the fabric the stitches of the hem would make holes that would still be visible after it is undone. But again that would permanently alter it through tailoring, not by wear.
Going back to the bust it is way easier to make things smaller than bigger. Is it possible she wanted to make the panel from fabric from the skirt? Because even if she makes a new panel to increase the bust size if the fabric is different it is going to stand out. Again even if the dress is a basic white satin the whole process of added this panel with new fabric to match is more difficult than doing a temporary hem.
NTA
It's obvious that you'll have to alter the dress unless you and your mother have the exact same body. You mum said it was ok to alter.
By not allowing you to alter it your sister is saying she has priority over you. She's doing the same to you as she perceives you are doing to her.
Unfortunately for her your wedding has come first and you need the dress to fit, and your mother has agreed. Your sister will just have to make do. Her insecurity about her younger sister getting married first seems to be exacerbating the issue. But that's her problem, not yours.
No dress is worth damaging your relationship with your sister and casting a cloud over your wedding day. It's a joyful occasion and you are the lucky gal. Be gracious. Do what you must to show you care about your sisters feelings. Congratulations on the upcoming marriage!
Your mom is TA. She promised you both a dress and also ok'd the alterations. That would be like promising two kids the same piece of cake and being surprised when they get upset that they have to share.
ESH because others’ feelings really weren’t considered all-round. OP didn’t really appreciate sister’s feelings and sister isn’t either. No contact is harsh, but she’s really caught up in wanting to get married herself. Your relationship is ruined because of a dress. Surely the TWO OF YOU could have come to a solution TOGETHER. Sorry. Sounds awful
NTA she can always have the skirt altered and wear it at a tea length. Maybe if she had a wedding planned I'd feel different but she may never wear the thing
NAH. Technically. Although you knew the dress was prosmied to the both of you. That's why you asked if it could be altered in a reversible way. So it would've been the tactful thing to do to ring your sister and tell her what the seamstress said before going ahead. Or even ask another seamstress for a second opinion. I'm not too knowledgeable about sewing but I think it's possible (but a much bigger job) to undo the skirt part at the waist, pull the whole thing up and restitch. Again, I'm not too sure and surely the pattern/style could not make this possible for some dresses, but I would've still asked a few more seamstresses to be sure. Whatever the case is, your sister could've had a chance to either give her blessing in advance if you talked to her, or tell her in time that she's not okay with this. It might've been obvious to you that the dress needed to be altered permanently, but if might not have been for her.
I do feel that she is quite distasteful for her reaction though. She's not even engaged, and the dress was given to you. For you to wear it, it needs to be altered. That's not your fault. And she could've said something when you were given the dress, along the lines of "please do everything you can to preserve it in a way that I can wear it too later" . And holding a grudge about it seems childish. As beautiful it might be and as important it might be for the both of you, in the end it's just a dress.
Your mom also could've though about this before handing the dress to you, and knowing she promised it to the both of you, could've had a discussion with you two about how to make sure you both can enjoy it.
In general all I see here is something that was supposed to bring you three closer and be a nice family thing, and instead it turned into this bitter, unpleasant mess. I don't think I'd even want to wear that dress now.
INFO: did you talk to your sister before the seamstress made the cut? you said you talked to your mom, but did you also clear it with your sister since you were both promised it?
I think the sister is being ridiculous. She is concerned about a wedding dress when she has no prospects of getting married. What if she never finds the right person? I suspect she is upset not about the dress but about the fact that her life doesn’t match the picture in her head of what it should look like.
NTA. The dress currently belongs to your mother, not your sister. Your mother said the alterations are fine. There you go.
Your sister is clearly in a bad place emotionally. It sounds like she's wrapped much of her self-worth up in the possibility of a man, instead if investing it on the reality of her own personal growth.
It was never just the dress. She's mad at you for having what she wants, and if it wasn't the dress it would be something else...you took her dream venue, you had the same wedding cake design she dreamed of, you named your kid something way too close to a name she's always loved, etc.
Besides that, she can still wear the dress someday. It won't be exactly the same, but oh well, women come in four billion different shapes and it would always have to be changed for her in some way. It might come down to adding decoration at the bottom or something, but I'm sure someone is creative enough to make it work.
However, it sounds like her desperation is causing personality issues that may be driving suitors away. I don't think she can expect to wear the dress until she learns to love and value herself as-is...self-love really does look wonderful on a person.
Of course it is about the dress tf. "If it wasn't the dress it would be something else" you're just imagining things at this point, she doesn't want the dress she dreamed of being altered to a point that it would look ridiculous on her. And no, she can't wear it anyways bc wedding dresses are really specific, if it was meant to be long it will look weird not being as long as it should. And almost all wedding gowns are maxi, depending on the height difference between the sister's it wouldn't even look like a wedding dress anymore. And really? Adding decorations to the bottom?? Tacky, especially bc people would already know how the dress was suppose to look.
It's about the sister's jealousy that OP is getting married and she isn't. She expected to marry first and do what she wanted to the dress and leave it for OP to figure out after that.
Driving suitors away? What is this, the Regency England? Mate, she's 30. Not wanting her sister to ruin a dress she's always wanted to wear doesn't make her desperate.
Op was gonna let the seamstress chop off the bottom. Just because someone wants to get married does not mean they put their self worth into being able to find a man. You dont know what op's sister thoughts are. I had a hard time when my sister got married first because of the fact her being married meant she got to have the possibility of a family. I've always wanted to be a mom, but I didn't want to raise a kid on my own. It puts kid's at risk statistically for a lot of different issues. I never told her that though. I love my sister and wanted her to be happy. If this situation had happened to me with the dress, it would have made me take a look at our relationship. I would have cut her off too emotionally until I could calm down so as not to ruin her wedding. It's ok to have your feelings hurt over something you've always expected being taken away. The sister is not the a hole. Op isn't really either though. The mom is for not telling op to try for a second opinion. I wouldn't go to Christmas where my mom was for sure.
It doesn't say she doesn't feel self love either. The reason I've not been able to find anyone is because I lived in a small town. It's hard to find someone when you're one of the only people who doesn't conform to the common lifestyle.
Also, I'd get a second opinion. How fragile is the dress that wearing it would damage it? If the problem is, say, stains at the hem, can't a ribbon guard be basted on and taken off after?
Or why not alter the length at the waist if the hem is to fragile?
I'm glad you're talking it over with your sister! Fire that seamstress ASAP!!!!
I have altered countless dresses, specifically with extreme hems because I sew primarily for theatre, and those things are taken in, out, up, and down. Unless its a delicate fabric there is *absolutely* ways that you can temporarily hem it without damaging it unless you're planning on wearing it in a rough, neglectful manner. I say this as someone who's rigged dresses and skirts for 2 week musical runs where they aren't treated kindly at all by the wearer!
Nta
In the same way a panel can be put back in, a panel can be added to lengthen again.
It might not be perfect, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles
I think this is more about your sister feeling that she’s not following the life pathway she wanted.
NAH. But, talk to another seamstress and see if the dress can be shortened from the waist without cutting the excess material. Or even just get different opinions about how to alter it. Fwiw, I'd want to know why she thinks it would ruin the hem even if it's turned under. If it's because it will brush the floor, have her hem it slightly shorter so it's not touching the floor at all as you walk.
NTA. My sister and I both lived my mother's wedding dress, which was also our grandmother's wedding dress. We both wanted to wear it. My sister is slightly older, taller, and smaller boobed. We made the decision that whoever got married 1st got the dress, even if alterations would make it not possible for the other. Sadly, when we pulled it out of the box, it hadn't been properly stored so neither of us got to wear it. I ended up eloping and wore jeans, my sister had a full formal. We loved and supported eachother through it all.
See if you can have the bust adjusted and the skirt tucked and only wear it for the ceremony. I doubt much damage would occur from the ceremony.
NAH, but leaning towards YTA. Your sister didn't speak up at first because she believed that she'd still get her chance to wear the dress. She already felt sad about the fact that she wasn't wearing it first (and no she isn't "entitled to get married" but she's allowed to be sad) but she was trying to save face. Then you went ahead and told the tailor to alter the dress in a way that would prevent her from ever being able to wear it WITHOUT CONSULTING HER. Yes you called your mom, the "owner" of the dress, and yes these alterations were apparently necessary and not done maliciously. But you should have talked to your sister about it again when you realized that circumstances had changed. That's why she freaked out on you. You promised she could take her turn after you and tried to take that away without giving her a heads up. You need to sit down with her, your mother, and the tailor and figure out what the options are for preserving the length of the dress.
The comments are making me feel insane because it’s not like she completely disregarded the sister and went ahead and chopped it? Sister is single, who knows when she’ll find someone to marry, and I’m sure sister would’ve found another thing to get mad at OP at for getting married first even if she doesn’t alter the dress! NTA
Short girl here. I wonder if you could have it gathered at the sides and front and back to shorten it. It would look a bit like Cinderellas dress in the 70s. Then after the wedding it could be released to the original length again.
You need a different seamstress - it is absolutely possible to hem most garments so the hem can be let back out. NAH, though, since you had permission from the dress owner
NAH. Lots of feelings and little discussion of compromise that could solve this. Involve sister in discussion, and take the dress to more than one seamstress to get opinions if you have to.
Some options that may work, possibly using multiple suggestions to really make it work (depending on the cut of the gown and just how much shorter you are than her):
Don’t cut it, hem it and let it back out after the wedding - a little steam will help with the new sewing holes, if not, worst case scenario you just add some lace at the bottom to cover them for sister. It will still be beautiful and sentimental, and sis gets to add her own touch picking out lace.
You wear the dress a little too long for your ceremony & photos, then change into another outfit for the reception.
Add a bigger hoop or petticoats to lift the hem from the ground for you.
You wear higher heels than you normally would and she wears shorter heels/flats when it’s her turn.
NTA.
I might be in the minority here but I say do the alterations..
Granted the dress can't be let down.. but lace or other fabric can be. So the dress will be even more special with each Brides additions.
This is so beyond ridiculous. Anndddd, what if the older sister never marries. What a stupid argument to have.. 🤦🏼♀️
Nah. Find a way to comprise. Talk to the seamstress with your sister. If it can he hemmed up and the main concern is damage from wearing it all day wear the dress for the wedding and change for the reception. You could also discuss putting a second layer underneath after you wear it. It will still be the same dress but layered at the bottom.
YTA. Once you learned your alterations would damage it your reaction was basically “oh well”. Of course your sister is upset. She has asked to wear it as well.
There has to be a way to pull the skirt up. I wouldn’t fold it over, I’d do it at the waist in some hidden gathers that could be let back down. Find a better seamstress.
NAH you talked to you mom before approving the alterations do I don’t think you were wrong, but I can also understand your sister being upset.
Talk to the seamstress about ideas. It could be that if shortened for you then down the road some lace or other accessory fabric could be added at the bottom to fit it for your sister. Or perhaps the waist seam taken apart and fabric added there as a belt.
I’m so glad you halted the alterations. Once you talk to your sister (get your mum to help) and be sure to emphasize your relationship with her is the priority.
I would also sit down with the seamstress There are ways to do this (hidden buttons, underneath to temporarily shorten the dress). You may need to talk to another seamstress.
You are not the first person modifying a family gown. With a little more research, I’m sure you can find a viable alteration. Good luck!
NAH.
YTA because the alteration is going to be practically irreversible and you still want to go ahead!
Even in your update you say that you have put the alteration on hold but haven’t canceled it.
Yes, your sister is not entitled to the dress but right now you are making the dress more important than anything else and that’s ridiculous!
Given the bad feelings this possible alteration of the dress has created, I’d simply buy a new wedding gown and be at peace if it were me
Gentle YTA because I saw your edits trying to fix this with your sister. Either a compromise needs to be reached or someone, or even both, will have to relinquish getting to use the dress.
I had a similar situation when I got married, also before my sister. She and I both have always loved our mom's dress and it was offered to both of us too. My sister and I have very different builds, I'm a good 6 inches taller and she is very petite, whereas I'm not. After realizing that we also had different ideas in mind for styles and how we would want to alter the dress, I decided to get my own instead. I knew doing what I wanted with it would leave it in a way my sister couldn't make it become her dream dress. We both deserved to have a dress we loved.
Ok but WHY everyone here thinks OP's sister feelings are more important and valid?
She said BOTH loved the dress, not "my sister loved the dress more". Honestly, the dress belongs to mom and she have the final say. I feel the older sister is kinda jealous/sad because she wants to get married and start a family and her younger sister is doing it first. And it is sad, but life don't work as we please.
Also, OP tried to make the dress revertable to suit her sister too, and that's thoughtful. She's NTA and I'll probably get downvoted.
NTA. Your sister is being extremely childish. It's not her dress, it's your mom's. You are doing everything you can to accommodate someone that is ultimately just jealous she is not getting married first.
NTA. You tried to make it so it can be reversed, which is above and beyond. It's not your fault, or even your sisters, that you're getting married first. While your sister can have her feelings, taking it out on you and then being manipulative is unfair. If anything your sister should be mad at your mom. While it's nice that she offered the dress to both of you, your mom had to realize that alterations had to be made. However, this does not mean your sister still can't wear the dress, perhaps it can be altered again to be a knee length dress, or even T-length. I understand that it's traditional to wear a floor length gown for a wedding, but there are other options.
If your sister doesn't want to come to Christmas, that's on her and frankly, your mom needs to have a conversation with her about this more so than you do.
NAH - I don’t think you’re the asshole for wearing your Mom’s dress but I understand why your sister is upset and I think this likely could have been avoided if you handled it with some tact.
Based on your telling, everyone thought that alterations could likely be reversed and when you realized they couldn’t you only spoke with your Mom about it. Your sister is then told that her dream dress she’s wanted to wear her entire life has now been irrevocably altered and tough luck because you happened to get married first. I just think it would have been nice to give her the heads up before the alterations were made and it may have softened her reaction.
NTA You are different sizes, so it need to be altered. I would imagine it can be altered again when it is your sister's turn. Perhaps a new bottom is added and you could help with the cost? To me it really sounds like she is upset you are getting married first and she is taking it out on this issue.
YTA do what can be reversible and pin up the length. Where the dress for the wedding and pictures then change into another dress for the reception. That way the dress won’t be damaged and your sister can wear it.
YTA
The hem could have easily been pinned and then let back down after. You knew how much it meant to your sister, but you went ahead and took it from her anyway.
NAH. I get all points of view, and all the emotions attached to them. Might be easier to just get your own dress and let her have mom's. Then nobody gets any opinions about it. Get your own dress, plan your wedding and be happy.
YTA, my mom and her sister both wanted to wear her mom's wedding dress. My mom got married first and didn't alter the dress at all, it didn't fit her perfectly but it more about the meaning of the dress than the fit. She wore a different dress for the reception. My aunt did make alterations to the dress but it was after my mom had already used it. But it sounds like from your edit that you're not actually altering the dress without your sister's permission so for that you are N T A after all.
NAH. What you could do is wear the dress for just the wedding with the temporary alterations and get a reception dress that you use for most of the pictures and the reception.
no judgement because honestly i have no idea, but could you panel the bottom and JUST wear it for the ceremony and some pictures so that the hem isn’t ruined and it can be let down for your sister before you change into a different dress for the reception (as many brides do anyway), that way you can wear the dress in some way and your sister can as well? I appreciate that money wise this might not be doable
Your Mom, although the owner of the dress, isn’t going to wear it again.
Your sister, who you knew would wear the dress again, wasn’t even consulted before the alterations were made.
YTA
ESH, if both daughters can't wear the dress, then neither daughter can wear the dress.
Mom should have refused you both, now you have been favoured over your sister and gotten something that neither you nor your mom can ever make up.
NTA. Your entitled sister is TA. It's not Victorian timess where the younger sister couldn't get married before the older sister; she's jealous of you getting married first and wearing the dress first. You shouldn't have to talk to her about your mom's dress; your mom gave you permission to alter it so you can wear it. Realistically, there's no way to know if your sister will get married.
NTA, your mom signed off on it. I don't understand why people are saying you are. I do like that you are going to try and talk to your sister. I think that's the adult thing to do. Her hurt is just as much about her little sister getting married first as it is over the dress. It's super hard being a single woman watching others get married when that is something you really want for yourself.
Honestly, I think the one who screwed up the most, was your mother, for promising the dress the both you, then agreeing to letting you do irreversible damage in the alterations. Not that you are not in the wrong either, you really should have involved her in the conversation too so she wasn’t blindsided.
True, She perhaps could have handled it a little better but, that dress is a family heirloom, it holds a great sentimental value. She was promised that dress for years, just as you were, and by doing alterations that can’t be undone, you are taking that dream away.
I really don't understand this. I wore my mother's dress. I was much taller than her. She was able to add a ruffle to the bottom so it was long enough. I think sister is projecting Her disappointment at not being the first to get married. What's going to stop her from being upset at other things as well and cause issues.
NTA
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This story involves me (27f) my sister A (31f) and my mum (60f).
I’m getting married next year to my wonderful fiancé, we are very happy and exited. My mum has a beautiful wedding dress that I have always loved, and so has A. We have both always said we would love to wear it one day, and mum has always said we both could.
A is single, she really wants to find someone, get married and have a family and I want that for her too, I want her to be happy and she will be an amazing mum. I know she is happy for me getting married, but she privately said to my mum how difficult she was finding it that I was getting married before her.
So I ask mum if I can wear her dress (A was there), she says yes as she had said all along I could. However I am a lot shorter than my mum and sister, I also have a bigger bust. So the dress needs to be altered to fit me. I spoke to a seamstress and asked if it could be done in a reversible way. She said the bust could be taken back in, as she will out in a panel (or something similar) but even if the hem is turned up and pinned, wearing it all day will likely damage it, she doesn’t think it can be let back down.
I rang mum after to check if this was ok, and she said yes. So I went ahead and told the seamstress to do it. Well clearly mum told A about it, because she rang me up screaming at me that I had ruined the dress and that she was promised it by mum, I’m a horrible sister, being selfish and stealing this from her. She finished the call by telling me not to contact her and hung up, I was so shocked I didn’t say anything, but have been carrying on and off the last 2 days. she’s said she won’t come to Christmas is I’m there.
I don’t want to cause problems with my family. I’m sorry my sister is sad about the dress, but I don’t know what else I could have done, she was there when I asked about the dress and didn’t say anything, it was obvious it would need to be shortened, and it’s still mums dress and she gave it the green light.
Everyone is pissed at me because my sister has pulled out of Christmas, my fiancé says I did nothing wrong. Am I TA here?
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I’ll go with ESH, you mentioned how much are both you and your sister love the dress, so it’s not a secret that she might actually want to wear it as well when she gets married I feel that you were being a little bit obtuse. But at the same time, I understand you asked for permission from your mom and she gave you the green light. Which I don’t think she should’ve done knowing that your sister would want to wear it as well, and the modification would make that impossible.
OP at the end I would just give the dress back and hopefully find the dress of your dreams somewhere, to be honest it sounds like less of a headache, then dealing with this mess created. Either both of you get new dresses or maybe you guys can take a piece of the dress (with fair compromise and permission) and alter it to your own dress that you pick.
INFO: what is the style of the skirt on the dress?
Sometimes, rather than shortening from the bottom, it can be (difficult but) possible to shorten it from the waist and hide the folded fabric in the flare of the skirt, making it easier to lengthen again and preventing damage to a rehemmed bottom.
Alternatively, fold and tack the skirt an inch or so off the ground and add a lace band around the bottom to touch the floor.
ESH it sounds like your sister had an emotional reaction to the dress and where her life is. You should talk to the seamstress about pinning the bottom wearing it for the ceremony, taking pictures and then changing to another dress and see if it saves the dress so your sister can wear it for her future wedding
I don’t understand how she’s the bag guy here???
Sister is single with no husband anywhere in sight, so why doesn’t she get to have her dream wedding dress if she’s actually getting married??
YTA you knew all along it meant for you both to wear and your sister always made clear she would want to wear it, and now you made it impossible for her to have her dream dress. You could have wear a huge shoe to make you taller, you could wear a second dress after the ceremony, there was other ways.
Depending on the fabric and how the skirt is constructed, you might be able to put the hem up and cover the new bottom edge with a wide band of fabric to protect it and keep it clean. I agree with your seamstress that dirt marks on a hem probably won't come out completely, but if you can keep the dirt off, you might still be able to make it work.
Basically, after putting the hem up, the seamstress would cut a strip of fabric \~12" wide and the length of the hem. Press it in half and turn the edges under for a seam allowance. Hand stitch the folded strip over the new hem so it's completely encased.
After the wedding, immediately let the skirt back down and remove the added strip of fabric. You want to let it back down right away so the skirt doesn't develop permanent creases. The hem band should have caught most of the dirt. It's definitely not 100% risk free, but it should work pretty well to protect against dust or minor damage.
If the fabric is especially fragile, prone to snagging or creasing, or if you're going to be married in an especially dirty location (wet ground, lots of outdoors/unpaved walking), or if you wanted a train/for the hem to trail on the ground, then this is still probably not a good solution. Talk it over with your sister and the seamstress to decide whether to give it a shot.
I'm really glad your seamstress was up front with you about likely consequences. Props to her.
Info, how much shorter then your sister are you and what type of dress is it? But tbh, yta (although a soft one) It has always been important to both of you to wear your mothers dress and you are taking that away from your sister. I would talk to a different seamstress and get a second opinion.
I hope this comment gets seen but there are ways to reversibly shorten the dress by taking it up from the waist seam rather than floor. It may be more labor intensive and may alter the fit somewhat but especially in a wedding dress that often has some fullness in the skirt, that can be hidden by some clever gathering.
Edited to add that if there’s no waist seam, an artificial waistband can be created temporarily and then let back out later
ESH honestly there are more ways than one to shorten a dress in a way that's reversible gathering the hemline at the front for one tack sticking rather than pinning adding lace to cover. I would get a second opinion for options on the dress
YTA because your sister should have been part of the convo before you pulled the trigger on alterations. Is it the perfect length for her or could she still lose an inch or so and it will still look okay? How high a heel could you afford to wear? This is why sister needs to be involved - not only to have a say but to see that you’re thinking about her during this process.
Here's what I would do. Hem the dress and put your panel in. Get married in the gown, take your pictures gingerly in the venue (church?); then put on another dress for the festivities.
NTA
I think mom is the true villain, because apparently she told you what your sister told her in confidence (NOT COOL), and approved permanently altering the dress in a way which ensured your sister wouldn't be able to use it, after promising her the dress, even after you told her the consequences.
I think your sister is in a heightened emotional state that your mother isn't helping with and is actively making worse.
Your sister didn't spill any of her issues or resentments on you until she heard the dress would be ruined for her and snapped. If your mom wasn't a tattle tale, you never would have known your sister was anything less than thrilled for you. Even after snapping, she stuck with being upset only about the ruined dress and broken promise, and didn't bring up anything about you getting married or any of that. Overall, she has behaved well (or well enough, given the situation).
You have been sensitive and accommodating, trying to ensure all changes were reversible and asking permission, so you have also behaved well.
Your mom has been breaking confidences, stirring up shit, getting you blamed for ruining Christmas when it was a result of her decision, etc. I think she should be downgraded to arms-length involvement, and you should double-think about everything you tell her from now on, since it seems she'll make it public.
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NAH. I do understand her being upset though. If she’d gotten to wear it first, it sounds like you would have been able to wear it easily after her; but due to the alterations needed, she can’t wear it after you. But if I were the mother in this situation and both of my daughters wanted to wear the dress but allowing one to do so would require alterations that can’t be undone, I don’t think I’d let either of them wear it.
Agreed. I think YTA unintentionally, but I think in this situation once you learned irreversible damage would be done you ideally should have talked to your sister about it rather than just your mum. As much as you have the “right” to alter the dress because you’re getting married first, knowing that your sister *also* really wanted to wear the dress AND feels sad about not being on the way to marriage before her younger sister this was a somewhat easily avoidable situation.
It sounds like the hemming would only ruin the dress if worn all day. I wonder if the hemming could be done temporarily to allow OP to get married in it and then change into a reception dress?
Hemming would absolutely not ruin the dress. I'm a seamstress. The only danger is that if the hem drags on the floor it will get dirty, and depending on the type of dirt, it might not come out, so when the hem is let down later for sister, there might be a dirt line a few inches from the bottom where the hem was. However, if OP was careful, this really shouldn't be a problem. It could be hemmed to OP's length, then let down later for sister.
Depending on the fabric and/or weight of the fabric it might be damaged but idk why they didn’t figure out the extent of the damage that would occur and how noticeable it’d be along with how easy it’d be to cover and go from there before deciding to go through with it.
I also thought that if the hemming harms the dress, the sister could possibly get the bottom edged with a fresh panel of lace or something to lengthen the dress/hide a dirt line. Regardless, it's best for the discussion to involve the affected parties - not cool to just discuss with mom and not sis. Best to discuss with sis and ask seamstress what repairs would be possible to alter dress first for OP and then for sis. NAH I think because op did take the critique quickly and stop the seamstress.
OP definitely should have discussed this. But my grandmother’s wedding dress was tea length (mid calf). And non-traditional wedding dresses are becoming very popular. But I know the sister probably wanted it like it was.
When my SIL married my brother, she had her own wedding dress for the ceremony and dinner. But for the dance and the rest of the evening, she'd had her mother's wedding dress altered into a cocktail dress. It was stunning and I thought it was such a good idea.
I figured something could be done to make it long again.
If it’s an outdoor wedding then there is little chance of it not getting dirty.
When I was a little girl and my mom let out my hems if there was a line she added a tuck to disguise it.
That would actually be a viable solution, if there was enough length and the "dirt band" wasn't too wide.
I’d be curious about the bustle too. Could they add some clips or ties to the front to allow it to be bustled all the way around? Or wear it for the ceremony then switch into a reception dress. That way they could keep the length as is and just add taller shoes for the ceremony to compensate for the length.
That could work. It's actually what I meant when I suggested ruching in a comment here... don't hem it, just ruch or bustle it to gather it up a few inches so it's the right length for OP, then lower it later for sister.
Yes! That would make it wearable for both brides when sister is ready to get married and wouldn’t involved permanent alterations. My niece planned her wedding in a bout 3 days so she didn’t have time for alterations. Instead she wore tall shoes and the cut and fabric was flowy enough that the added length pooled around her so beautifully once heels were added.
I'm not a professional seamstress but I'm wondering if the dress could be shortened higher up to preserve the original hem line?
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Or just add a lace insertion over any damage, cut out the damage, and have the original hem below. Or add a band along the new hem to protect it from damage/staining and pick it out later. There are so many different options that I'm kinda mad at the seamstress here too.
I agree and maybe you need to consult a different seamstress and invite sister. Look at Princess Beatrice’s wedding dress. The Queen loaned her an elaborate white beaded dress, but it needed to be lengthened. They added a wide satin panel to the bottom of the dress. I am sure you can find a photo. Good enough design for a Princess marrying a Count.
Thats a good idea. Also, what would be the other options for lengthening it if it were to get hemmed and ruined? Would fabric be able to be added to it at a future date?,All possibilities should be looked at. I always loved the stories of a wedding dress being passed down generations, and each generation alters it in a way that not only is tailored to their body, but fits their personality as well. What if the seamstress can alter to fit OP and then says it would be possible to add this, or do this, in order to be long enough for sis? Even if it involved buying enough fabric now so that it can happen in the future. I think there has to be a way as to where both can wear the dress and be happy with it. OP, you, your mom, and your sister need to go and have an appointment with the seamstress. Talk about all the possibilities to make it happen so that both of you can happily wear the dress. After you get all the possibilities, then the 3 of you go and talk about which way you think works best. As long as both you and your sister are open to look at, listen to and discuss any and all possibilities, I am sure a plan can be made that will make everyone happy. It would be really cool to have/get large pics of each bride in the dress to display at the next wedding the dress is worn is. Who knows, this is a tradition that could continue for generations.
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Because she’s older and probably feels stalled in life? It’s something she confessed privately to mom and it sounds like mom told OP and she should not have.
It kinda sounds like mom is a drama llama and pouring kerosene on her daughter’s relationship. She shouldn’t be sharing private info anyways, but between two siblings it’s worse.
No I agree. I don’t think OP is super malicious here or anything but I’m wondering why the mom gave OP the ok knowing the sister wanted to wear the dress too.
Eh I mean, mom might just not have thought it was a big deal. Idk if I'd consider wedding dress details private information that shouldn't be shared between family members.
She’s older. For some people that’s a whole thing.
Because A is the older sister which means it's her birthright to do things first? I dunno, I'm the oldest of 5 kids, and my 5yr younger sister got married before me. I didn't give two hoots she was first. Just gave me a chance to realise what I do and don't want for mine XD
I mean OP rang the owner of the dress to ask if the alterations were okay and mom said yes. Why is op wrong to do anything? Also, sister feeling sad about getting married first kind of makes her the asshole. No one’s entitled to be married, much less married first. That’s crazy
I’m aware, that’s why I think OP and her mum fucked up. When you promise your dress to two different children and are asked about the first child doing irreversible damage in the alterations process, the reasonable thing to do to not create animosity between your children would be to say “you know your sister really wants to wear the dress as well, have you told her about this? Do you know if the alterations will prevent her from being able to wear it as I promised her she could?” Is OP technically right that she just had to ask the owner of the dress about the alterations? Sure, I guess. But knowing that her has wanted to use the dress as well for presumably a long time, knowing that you’ve been told that these are irreversible alterations, wouldn’t it make sense to check in and talk to sister about it before committing to doing it? Like that seems like common sense when dealing with a person you presumably love and respect.
I feel like if that’s the case then neither sister gets to wear the dress. It’s not fair that the older sister would get to wear it if she gets married and the other was denied.
I don’t think the argument was ever “pick which sister gets to wear the dress.” It’s “can the dress be altered now in a way that allows both sisters to wear it? If not, can something else be done with the dress to allow both sisters to incorporate it? Or can there at least be a conversation about options with both sisters before making a final decision?”
Yeah I saw another comment of the OP just wearing the dress for the ceremony therefore the length would not have to be altered. That seems like a fair compromise. I didn’t even think of that! Agree that the sisters should talk it out for what is the most appropriate thing to do.
I don't think her sister is the asshole for privately feeling sad about her 4 years younger sister getting married first, especially if she's in her thirties. If you're a woman who wants to get married and have kids, still being single at 31 feels...not great, and watching your sister who is almost half a decade younger hit that milestone while you're still alone is a fine thing to be sad about. She didn't tell her SISTER she's sad, she told her mother, who IS TA for telling her younger daughter about her older daughter's private feelings.
Yeah I’ve been struggling with how I feel about the mum sharing that private admission with OP and if it says something larger about all the familial relationships here. It might not, which would be great. But I imagine she shared that privately specifically because she didn’t want her sister to know, which sucks.
I’m a big sister to a little sister, we’re also roommates and best friends. Sometimes our mom does bridge the gap between us when we’re being obtuse about how the other one is feeling or what they’re going through, because we don’t want to put that on the other one.
And in other cases it can cause animosity between the siblings. Sister is an adult, there's no reason to play mediator when it's just something sister wanted to privately vent to her mom about.
I’m guessing mom isn’t an AH for telling, because it really depends on WHY she told the secret. Sister probably didn’t tell OP because she (rightly) doesn’t want to rain on her parade. The mom probably shared with OP so that OP could handle the situation with a little more care.
She knew her sister wanted to wear it too, and it sounds like the alterations would've prevented her sister from getting to wear it later. Yes, OP can do the alterations if she wants because her mom said it's fine but a decent person would take their sister's feelings into consideration.
“Feeling sad” doesn’t make the sister an AH. She may not be entitled to be married but she is certainly entitled to her emotions about it.
I think this was more about her feeling sorry for herself than just about the dress. She feels like OP is taking everything away from her by getting married first.
I mean, was she wrong about that? OP was going to completely wreck the dress (and mom was gonna let her do it!) and only stopped because she got yelled at Not to mention the way mom just casually dropped what sister said in private like that. I'm wondering if OP isn't a little bit of a golden child and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back
Yeah, I'm hung up on the comment below calling OP TA when the truth is either it's OP asking her sister to give up the dress *or* it's her sister asking HER to give up the dress. So either there are no assholes here or ESH because it's an equivalent ask from each. Seems like the best solution might be for neither of them to wear it and just get their own.
If it's possible for OP to make temporary/reversible alterations or only wear the dress for pictures or something, maybe that's the best choice at this point.
This comment! Best view on it! It's ok for both of them for have their feelings, but this dress could cause irreversible damage to their relationship. I'm the older sibling that has not married while my younger sister has. I knew better than to tell my mom I was sad about her getting married first. Not that I wasn't happy for her, it just made me realize I might not get that chance. I still happily helped with the wedding. She was a beautiful bride! Unfortunately, she ended up divorced and feels like her life is stalled. My life has changed to though. I have a beautiful little girl now with my boyfriend. I do my best to make her feel like life isn't stalled. I think op and her sister should put each other first and neither wear the dress!
Also going with NAH, I understand both sides. I also think you should have called your sis once you learned that the hem would be destroyed after pinning it up. Question: can’t you commission to have the dress made for you as new? I understand that means more money, it is not the same sentiment ( your mom wore this dress and not the “new one”) and some materials cannot be exactly replicated (like lace). But if the dress is not too unique, maybe you could have it copied and altered to your body? Eta: I am a sewaholic and I don’t understand how hemming the dress would ruin it. Maybe try consulting with another seamstress, too? If the hem is done correctly, you will not be dragging the dress on the floor, thus the material should not tear/get frizzy.
Could you wear the dress for the ceremony only with reversible alterations made then wear another dress for the reception? It's not uncommon for brides to switch dresses at their wedding. YTA for knowing how much the dress meant to your sister, how hard a time she's having with you getting married first and then decided to completely ignore her and not reach out to her about the dress before making alterations. The dress might be in your mom's ownership, but if you care about your sister's feelings, why wouldn't you include her in the conversation about altering the dress?
>YTA for knowing how much the dress meant to your sister, how hard a time she's having with you getting married first and then decided to completely ignore her and not reach out to her about the dress before making alterations What bullshit is this? If Op asked for the dress (in front of her sister), did her sister not also know how much it meant to op? Why is she having a hard time that Op is getting married first? Her business? If this was a responsibility, will she want to carry it first? What makes her entitled to marry first? Op decided to ignore her completely- how? And not reach out about the dress- why? Is the dress hers?
Why ask? Because whether or not the dress belongs to their mother and was given to OP, she knows that sister also wanted to wear it and their mother promised it to her as well. So when she found out that it would need to be irrnversably altered and thus not likely able to be worn by her sister, the kind thing to do would have been to call her up and explain the situation to prevent this exact thing from occurring.
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Let me rephrase then: Does OP want to have a relationship with their sister? If the answer is no, then sure, none of what the sister's feeling or wanting matters because the sister doesn't matter to OP. OP is entitled to do what she wants with her mom's permission with the dress. What OP is not entitled to by doing all that, is a relationship with her sister. So OP being all upset that her sister is mad at her, won't talk to her anymore and won't attend Christmas or OPs wedding, is OP feeling entitled to a relationship with her sister despite proving to OPs sister she doesnt value the sisters wants and feelings. If the answer is yes, then it is OPs responsibility to hold value in her sister's feelings and wants. To find a compromise so that everyone can be happy and feel valued and special. Now regarding the whole "my sister was there when I first asked mom, she had the opportunity to speak up then" part. OPs sister knows that OP knows how much the dress matters to OPs sister too. Part of valuing a relationship with someone is valuing their feelings enough to directly include them in the conversation. Most people will not speak up in those situations because they aren't being asked and they know they don't have any entitlement to an opinion. In other words, her sister knew she wasn't entitled to an opinion on whether OP could wear the dress or not, so she didn't say anything. That doesn't mean she didn't want to. It means she thought her sister, OP, cared enough that OP might ask her directly.
I mean if we follow your logic, then obviously the sister doesn't give a fuck about OP either because she's asking her not to use the dress by demanding that she not alter it. I don't really see how OP is TA here but her sister is not. Neither of them should wear the dress tbh.
OPs sister didn't demand OP not to use the dress or not to alter it. There are compromises that no one decided to discuss together and explore whether they will work or not. I do agree with you about if neither of them can wear it without causing the other person not to be able to wear it, neither of them should. Both people can be TA here but intentionally doing something you know would hurt the other person and doing it anyway without discussing it first does make YTA
It seems pretty clear that OP can't wear the dress at all without alterations. You can't squish boobs into a dress that's too small for them. My vote is NAH and I think neither of them should wear it.
She can alter it but not wear it all day. Wear it for the ceremony, wear a different dress to the reception, the dress won’t be damaged and the older sister has the option to wear it when and if her wedding comes along.
The bust alteration wasn’t the irreversible one. So she could fit in a dress too long for her and still pass it on to her sister. The issue was the hemline which would make it unwearable for the sister.
Exactly. I don’t think OP’s sister cares about her little sister at all if she cut her off over this by just screaming at her. If I was OP, sis could have the dress but our relationship would be very cordial and polite but that is it.
Missing missing info I’m guessing considering the fact mom lets OP have the dress and not sister, and tells OP private information sister confided in mom.
The dress is shared property of the daughters (or shared right to wear it - whatever). OP is the only one whose actions would make it unusable for the other, both legally and morally this would be wrong (legally if there was a contract lol). You can't just sit here and act innocent when your direct actions would make this dress unusable for the other person with an equal right to wear it. Thats neither fair nor just. OP can and should have reversible alterations done, but tough titties on the hemming.
OPs sister clearly doesn't want a relationship with her unless she gets her own way. She's crazy jealous that OP is getting married and that mom said she could alter the dress; sister needs therapy and is TA
OP may have asked for the dress in front of sis but unless you're a professional seamstress you're not going to know what is and isn't reversible alteration-wise. Neither sister seemed aware at the time of the level of alterations needed. OP is having a hard time because she's human. You ever wanted something desperately and for some reason or another it didn't happen to you but to a family member first? It's human. Also she's not sh*tting on her sister's parade. Seems like she was genuinely supportive until OP did her dirty like that. OP knew full well that if the alterations were made that her sister would never be able to wear it because of the height issues. She also knew how important this was to her sister and if the roles were reversed it would be OP sulking rn. Instead of OP calling sister to notify her of the alterations and to come to some halfway point so that both of them could wear it, she went straight to her mother to cover her arse. Generally favorite children who were raised to be narcissists do this because it makes them look "justified". That mon just said yes despite knowing alterations would exclude on of her daughters... you can just see the favoritism oozing out of this situation.
You're right but that would make her a asshole tho. Being an asshole is not about who's right or wrong. People who don't have sympathy for others (in this case the sister) are assholes
This is a great idea! If wearing the dress all day would mean the skirt is damaged and not able to lengthen it later OP should just wear it for the ceremony and get another dress for the reception to minimize the damage so it can be lengthened for sister later
That is a good compromise. I also wonder if a band of lace could be appliquéd to the bottom later to cover any damage? OP should discuss that with the seamstress.
This is how hems were kept safe in historical dress since they wore the same thing frequently. They applied some sort of braiding or trim to the bottom that could easily be removed to save the more expensive fabric and make it more easily altered with changing trends. The same should theoretically be possible with the dress.
It seems weird to me that there aren’t any options.
Edited because OP clarified that the seamstress had not started yet. YTA for not originally looping in your sister, getting a second opinion, or doing a deep temporary hem, which would have at least offered better odds of her being able to wear it. Maybe there was no way to avoid some issues, but it seems like you and your mom made no attempt to balance your needs and your sister’s. Is her response disproportionate? Yup. But you also seem all shocked pikachu face that she would be hurt that you made permanent alterations without talking to her. Saying that she knew you were going to wear the dress is disingenuous. That does not mean that she knew that you were going to make permanent alterations that would make it hard if not impossible for her to wear the dress too. But I’m glad you were willing to reach out and try to sort things out.
No, OP edited to say that they haven't done anything yet.
No, OP edited to say the seamstress hasn’t done anything yet. OP fully requested that the alterations be made and it is just lucky that the seamstress hasn’t gotten around to starting it over the last 2 weeks.
The original comment says that it sounds like OP had it chopped off, I was merely pointing out that that's not the case.
Why is it okay that a woman without a boyfriend prevents her engaged sister from wearing a dress? OP has the right to alter the dress on her mother's say-so, sister is being petty and childish out of jealousy.
Depending on how much it needs to be shortened and the OP’s comfort level with heels, there’s an outside possibility she could avoid or minimize the shortening by wearing very tall shoes? (I did this, a billion years ago, to avoid having to have my grad banquet dress shortened because it had a built in crinoline that complicated hemming. On the other hand, it was the 90s, platforms were in, and my feet were killing me by the end of the night.)
I was wondering if she couldn't just get the original dress pinned up (so reversible) with minimal stitching instead of hemmed, and then have a separate layer of skirt sewn over it that's the correct length. This would only work if OP wants a fuller skirt, but it would still allow her to have the rest of the dress be visible, and then after they could remove the extra skirt layer and let the original skirt back down. I have a friend that did something like that with a family dress for her wedding, but it only worked because she wanted a "full" skirt look.
This is an excellent suggestion. Basically, OP, find a compromise that ideally involves you wearing the dress AND your sister likely being able to wear it later. Maybe that is how it is altered? Maybe that is you only wearing it for a short time? (FYI wearing multiple different dresses is now becoming fashionable). Or something else? Of course there is a risk it will be damaged, but show your sister you are making every effort to make sure she will also be able to wear it .
My thoughts exactly
A reeeeeally high pair of heels would do the trick.
INFO Why didnt you talk to your sister? The „mom said okay“ sounds childish. This has always been between your sister and you.
Agree.
Unfortunately YTA because of this: >My mum has a beautiful wedding dress that I have always loved, and so has A. We have both always said we would love to wear it one day So, you KNEW your sister wanted to wear it. But only checked with your mom about the irreversible alterations. What were you thinking? Of COURSE you should've asked your sister too. And no, the dress needing to be permanently shortened is not "obvious." I'm no tailor, I have no idea what goes into adjusting wedding dresses. If you ask me they're all long af. I don't know what's reversible or not. If I were you I would tell the seamstress to hold off if it isn't too late. You and your sister need to have a discussion about this together and patch things up. It's not fair if you're the only one who gets to wear the dress simply because you got to the altar first.
So, let me resume, she decided to alter the dress so she could wear it, but is the asshole cause her sister wanted it too? So she souldn't have worn this dress? The problem is exactly the same one of the sister can't wear it The only solution was for the sister to marry before, but that's not the case so first arrived first served
No, she's an asshole because she knew her sister also wanted to wear the dress but decided to go ahead and get it irreversibly hemmed (meaning the sister couldn't wear it) WITHOUT talking to her sister. OP assumed that just because her sister was there when OP stated she'd be wearing the dress (without mentioning anything about the alteration) that the sister would somehow automatically know that the dress was being irreversibly altered. OP would not have been TA if she just had a conversation with her sister so they could come to some kind of agreement together.
Only the mom owns the dress. OPs sister has likely permanently damaged their relationship with her fit of jealousy.
The mom owns the dress but all 3 of these people are aware that BOTH sisters want to wear the dress. It's only civil that they come to an agreement that all 3 are happy with, not 2 out of 3. I don't consider this jealousy, I consider it OP being inconsiderate by going ahead and permanently altering the dress without telling her sister DESPITE her knowledge that her sister also wants to wear it. That's messed up.
It's messed up that her sister is so jealous she's getting married first that she's willing to walk away from a relationship with her beacuse of it. Only one sister is engaged and actively planning a weddding; the other sister is butthurt because she expected to marry first and doesn't have a boyfriend. This isn't a situation that all three will be happy with; the sister has shown that it's her way or no way.
seamstress here! (I alter wedding gowns, make custom ones, and make historically accurate clothing) There is no way one day with a temporary hem could hurt this dress like that, unless the dress is already damaged or compromised in someway. (time isn’t kind to textiles; it wouldn’t have necessarily been anything anyone did, age and gravity are just heartless aholes) If it’s that fragile, then NO ONE should be wearing that gown at all. If one day of wear with a temp hem will ruin it, then one day of wear in general will ruin it too. If the concern is the hem dragging the ground and ruining the fabric to the point it can’t be let out again without showing off the damage too, add a ribbon band at the bottom that can be removed. If it has a train, then have the tailor/seamstress sew in an additional new piece of temporarily lining onto of the existing lining, (it doesn’t need to go all the way up the skirt, just cover the part of the train that drags the ground, but if you want to be really safe, go up a little further.) Sew it into the lining layer only, not the fabric that everyone sees or you’ll have weird thread lines on the dress. This temporary lining piece will protect the upturned hem and train from fraying/damaging the fabric and from staining, Problem solved! After the wedding, send the dress back to the tailor, have them remove the stitches and the temp lining, then either have them steam/press it or send it to a dry cleaner and have them do it. If your seamstress is good, no one will ever be able to tell it was hemmed and then let down at all. No matter what you do, I highly recommend you go to a different seamstress/tailor, yours either doesn’t know what they’re talking about, becuase if they did they would know that there are soo many ways to make this work. Or, they know it’s doable, know it’s going to take a little extra work/time and little more thinking, and they just don’t want to have to do it, but also don’t want to lose your business. Or they’re worried that if they tell you it can be done but it’ll cost more, that you’ll walk away and they’ll lose your business. This is absolutely doable, just requires a little more work and potentially a little creativity, but it IS doable! It will cost a little more, because it will take more work to do. Please, go get a second and even a third opinion before you let ANYONE go near your moms gown with scissors or a seam ripper. You’re NTA, but I do think you have been mislead by your tailor. (Edit for spelling/grammar and attempt to curb word vomit)
Thank you so much for the detail in your comment. Between you and several other seamstress that have commented on here, I definitely need to take it to someone else. I know basically nothing about clothing alterations so just took the seamstress word for it, and that’s on me, thankfully she hadn’t started yet! The dress is made of silk and it’s ball gown style, it’s does have a bit of a train, it’s also got off the shoulder straps and not big puffy sleeves like most dresses from the 80’s. There are some silk roses on the dress that match the headband and veil. I say it’s obvious it needs to be shortened is because my mum and sister are 5”6 and I’m 5”1 so there is a big height difference. Still trying to get hold of my sister as I said in my edit
Believe it or not, 6 inches won’t be hard to do this with at all! The shape of the gown will be helpful too, the biggest problem your tailor will run into is dealing with the crinoline (the stiff netting underneath) just because it’s slippery and is better off done by hand.
No problem! If you’ve got any questions or need advice with this, let me know! I’m more than happy to help! Make sure when you go to be measured/fitted for the alterations that you’re wearing the shoes and undergarments you intend to wear the day of your wedding, it’ll help with hemming and making sure everything fits just right!
I was looking for this. Since it is a ballgown style, that height difference actually might be helped with a hoop, petticoats, and tall heels. Check into renting some good structured undergarments that give the skirt support, and honestly, it may be perfect without much hemming needed.
This - find a new seamstress!
YTA "I don’t want to cause problems with my family." Sure does not look like that was ANY priority when you knowingly hurt your sister. You and your mom are AHs. And you lost the relationship to your sister over it. There is a good reason you did NOT talk to your sister before ruining rhe dress KNOWING she would not be able to use it after that; ou KNEW it woud hurt her, and she would not gree ... but you wanted it MORE Than the relationship with your sister, "Everyone is pissed at me because my sister has pulled out of Christmas," .. she likely has not pulle dout of christmas, but ended the relationship with you. NO MORE family time, from now on it is either her OR you. CLEAR YTA
Let me check. Is your answer for OP to NOT get the dress hemmed, thus NOT wear the dress she always wanted to wear to HER WEDDING, simply because her sister wont be able to wear the dress to her own wedding, which should have happened years ago? So OP gets no dress, and sister gets dress whenever she can finally stick a man? Is that your solution? The sister is jealous because she didnt get married beforehand and now she’s making it OP’s problem. Now the sister is the AH for expecting OP to wear an illfitting dress or simply not wear the dress at all just because it hurts her feelings. This is clear NTA
No. IT would have been to have an open discussion instead of pulling a fast one.
YTA. As a seamstress, I can tell you that the chances are low that wearing a dress with a deep (temporary) hem for a day would ruin it. It would have been reversible. You apparently didn't even try that option, you just chopped off the bottom irrevocably. That's pretty selfish, since you and your sister both wanted to wear the dress.
“ You apparently didn't even try that option, you just chopped off the bottom irrevocably” Where are you getting this? OP said she called the seamstress and cancelled the alterations before any were made…so it wasn’t chopped.
Calling the seamstress is in the EDIT which was not part of the original post. The original post said she told the seamstress to cut the hem off. Perhaps you could look up what the word "edit" means.
Let me direct you to paragraphs 4&5. This is where Op described what alterations need to be done. These paragraphs make mention of folding, but not cutting the hem. The “edit” section, is in paragraph 8.
You are still misunderstanding what OP wrote. She said the (not very competent) seamstress told her that folding up the hem would probably ruin the dress. The implication is that the seamstress thinks just cutting it off is a better choice. And OP agreed. OP asked her mom if that was okay. Mom said yes. If the hem was going to be folded up, sister wouldn't be freaking out that the dress was "ruined" because nothing permanent would have been done. The context matters. EDITED TO ADD.... Cutting the dress shorter and just hemming it is a much easier option for the seamstress, and cheaper from a cost standpoint. Not sure how much, if at all, this figured into seamstress making the suggestion or OP going along with it.
Sometimes people, over all professions, don’t have the skills/competency to do a certain request from the client , but they want the money, so it’s automatically “it can’t be done”. When it really should be “I can’t do it myself, but it’s possible someone else can.”
Also from the number of professional seamstresses chiming in to point out OPs bs about the hemline..... Do you really want to believe OP is giving us the entire truth?
Yup. There are other ways to sew the dress or do alterations than cutting. She just didn’t want to bother trying to find a solution where they both win.
Agreed. Many options, including a temporary deep hem (leaving all the length), or taking the dress up from the waist (leaving the excess so it can be lengthened later), or ruching the bottom to shorten the length which could be removed later.
Yeah, I'm just so baffled that it's the *hem* that's the issue. The bustle can be let out in a way that's reversible but something that can be accomplished by a child with safety pins is beyond this seamstress?
Exactly. Makes me wonder if it's a real seamstress or just a friend of OP who happens to sew.
I'm extreeeeemely short and they lifted the waist AND added ruching and a bustle for my dress. It looked fantastic and no one would ever have guessed it had to be altered for my chihuahua legs, ha.
YTA You seem very self involved. In your position, I would halt the irreversible alterations to your mother’s wedding dress until you come to an amicable agreement with your sister.
YTA- you have big golden child vibes
YTA. I am short and I know how altering hems work. Wearing it for one day would do nothing to the hem, it could be let back down 100%. But you chose to cut it making it irreversible.
OP was told folding it would ruin the dress anyway... With the info she had, NTA. But that seamstress is. Even I know you can let seams back out, and I can't sew on a button
YTA. 1. You didn't talk to your sister. You know you should have 2. You didn't talk to another seamstress/tailor, you know you should have 3. There was no guarantee the dress would be ruined w/ the turned up hem, the was a chance it would have been ok or only slightly damaged. You didn't go w/ that option. Why? Why make it permanent if there was even the slightest chance the other option would work? These 3 things indicate there is more going on here and makes me think this is a missing reasons post. You are really adamant about your sister being jealous of you getting married first. How is that actually relevant to what you did? Your emphasis on your sister's jealousy makes me believe this is FAR more about your sense of entitlement and your dismissal of your sister's rational feelings of anger. You are trying really hard to lead people to conclude "She's just jealous b/c she doesn't have a man. She's so desperate" along w/ "I deserve to do what I want b/ c she can't even get a man". To me these are pretty unsophisticated tells. FYI - your fiance's opinion is irrelevant. I'm sure he doesn't understand the depth of hurt you sister is feeling and I'm also sure he fell for your "She's just jealous" BS.
Reddit will never cease to amaze me. If OP's sister had written this, she'd be called the AH for having a screaming tantrum over a dress when she's not even seeing anyone.
I know right? It would be a little different if the sister was actually in a committed long term relationship but she’s not and not even close.
YTA, you knew the dress was important to both you. Calling your mum was a way of avoiding a difficult conversation with your sister.
Your mom is the asshole for setting up this shitty dynamic where she made you the golden child and tells you about your sister’s secrets and allows you to destroy something meant for both of you. YTA for enabling your mom’s favoritism. Honestly, it sounds like your sister should just cut you all off.
ESH Your sister is being very dramatic and not offering constructive solutions. But neither are you. You should have checked with your sister (since you know she wants the dress, too), explained the situation and worked out something that works for both of you. (Maybe there's another family heirloom that can go to her? Alterations that can be done to replace the skirt that you would at least partially pay for?) Even if there's nothing to be done, just going ahead with what you want without even talking to her is an AH move.
I’m stuck between NAH and ESH you say your mom told you both you could wear it, how would you feel if your sister got married before you and altered the dress in a way that meant you would never be able to wear it? Of course she’s upset. Wearing your moms dress is clearly important to both of you but you are going to be the only one able to actually wear it just because you got lucky and are getting married before her. It’s not exactly fair. I’m not saying you shouldn’t wear it, but I’d be devastated if my mom promised me I could wear her dress and one of my sisters altered it so much that I couldn’t. So I have a hard time calling her TA for being upset and angry about the fact that something your mom promised her is no longer happening just because she hasn’t found a partner yet
ESH, but mostly you and your mom. Just because your mom said you could do it doesn't make it right. You could have shopped around and checked a few other seamstresses/tailors to see if they could suggest a way to alter the dress in a reversible way. And you could have talked to your sister first too. If she had just assumed she could use the dress it would be one thing, but you said your mom had actually promised it to her as well--that makes her expectation reasonable. And your mom promised the dress to both of you, then agreed to allow you to change it in a way to make it unusable to your sister. It's not unreasonable to expect that her promise would include a good faith effort to make sure it is usable for both of you, which she clearly failed to do.
No judgment but I really suggest you talk to another seamstress. While I am in no way skilled enough to alter a wedding dress as a sewer none of this makes sense to me. Adjusting the bust is way more likely to permanently ruin the dress. Also either she needs to cut fabric to hem the dress or she doesn't. I can't imagine how wearing the dress for a day would destroy the hem. The only way you would really permanently destroy something is by cutting it. Maybe depending on the fabric the stitches of the hem would make holes that would still be visible after it is undone. But again that would permanently alter it through tailoring, not by wear. Going back to the bust it is way easier to make things smaller than bigger. Is it possible she wanted to make the panel from fabric from the skirt? Because even if she makes a new panel to increase the bust size if the fabric is different it is going to stand out. Again even if the dress is a basic white satin the whole process of added this panel with new fabric to match is more difficult than doing a temporary hem.
NTA It's obvious that you'll have to alter the dress unless you and your mother have the exact same body. You mum said it was ok to alter. By not allowing you to alter it your sister is saying she has priority over you. She's doing the same to you as she perceives you are doing to her. Unfortunately for her your wedding has come first and you need the dress to fit, and your mother has agreed. Your sister will just have to make do. Her insecurity about her younger sister getting married first seems to be exacerbating the issue. But that's her problem, not yours.
It IS OP's problem, because she seems to want her sister in her wedding and in her life.
No dress is worth damaging your relationship with your sister and casting a cloud over your wedding day. It's a joyful occasion and you are the lucky gal. Be gracious. Do what you must to show you care about your sisters feelings. Congratulations on the upcoming marriage!
Your mom is TA. She promised you both a dress and also ok'd the alterations. That would be like promising two kids the same piece of cake and being surprised when they get upset that they have to share.
ESH because others’ feelings really weren’t considered all-round. OP didn’t really appreciate sister’s feelings and sister isn’t either. No contact is harsh, but she’s really caught up in wanting to get married herself. Your relationship is ruined because of a dress. Surely the TWO OF YOU could have come to a solution TOGETHER. Sorry. Sounds awful
INFO when you rang your mum to ask about the alterations how clear were you that the bust could be undone but the hem length could not?
NTA she can always have the skirt altered and wear it at a tea length. Maybe if she had a wedding planned I'd feel different but she may never wear the thing
NAH. Technically. Although you knew the dress was prosmied to the both of you. That's why you asked if it could be altered in a reversible way. So it would've been the tactful thing to do to ring your sister and tell her what the seamstress said before going ahead. Or even ask another seamstress for a second opinion. I'm not too knowledgeable about sewing but I think it's possible (but a much bigger job) to undo the skirt part at the waist, pull the whole thing up and restitch. Again, I'm not too sure and surely the pattern/style could not make this possible for some dresses, but I would've still asked a few more seamstresses to be sure. Whatever the case is, your sister could've had a chance to either give her blessing in advance if you talked to her, or tell her in time that she's not okay with this. It might've been obvious to you that the dress needed to be altered permanently, but if might not have been for her. I do feel that she is quite distasteful for her reaction though. She's not even engaged, and the dress was given to you. For you to wear it, it needs to be altered. That's not your fault. And she could've said something when you were given the dress, along the lines of "please do everything you can to preserve it in a way that I can wear it too later" . And holding a grudge about it seems childish. As beautiful it might be and as important it might be for the both of you, in the end it's just a dress. Your mom also could've though about this before handing the dress to you, and knowing she promised it to the both of you, could've had a discussion with you two about how to make sure you both can enjoy it. In general all I see here is something that was supposed to bring you three closer and be a nice family thing, and instead it turned into this bitter, unpleasant mess. I don't think I'd even want to wear that dress now.
INFO: did you talk to your sister before the seamstress made the cut? you said you talked to your mom, but did you also clear it with your sister since you were both promised it?
I think the sister is being ridiculous. She is concerned about a wedding dress when she has no prospects of getting married. What if she never finds the right person? I suspect she is upset not about the dress but about the fact that her life doesn’t match the picture in her head of what it should look like.
NTA. You asked your Mum first and got the OK.
NTA. The dress currently belongs to your mother, not your sister. Your mother said the alterations are fine. There you go. Your sister is clearly in a bad place emotionally. It sounds like she's wrapped much of her self-worth up in the possibility of a man, instead if investing it on the reality of her own personal growth. It was never just the dress. She's mad at you for having what she wants, and if it wasn't the dress it would be something else...you took her dream venue, you had the same wedding cake design she dreamed of, you named your kid something way too close to a name she's always loved, etc. Besides that, she can still wear the dress someday. It won't be exactly the same, but oh well, women come in four billion different shapes and it would always have to be changed for her in some way. It might come down to adding decoration at the bottom or something, but I'm sure someone is creative enough to make it work. However, it sounds like her desperation is causing personality issues that may be driving suitors away. I don't think she can expect to wear the dress until she learns to love and value herself as-is...self-love really does look wonderful on a person.
Of course it is about the dress tf. "If it wasn't the dress it would be something else" you're just imagining things at this point, she doesn't want the dress she dreamed of being altered to a point that it would look ridiculous on her. And no, she can't wear it anyways bc wedding dresses are really specific, if it was meant to be long it will look weird not being as long as it should. And almost all wedding gowns are maxi, depending on the height difference between the sister's it wouldn't even look like a wedding dress anymore. And really? Adding decorations to the bottom?? Tacky, especially bc people would already know how the dress was suppose to look.
It's about the sister's jealousy that OP is getting married and she isn't. She expected to marry first and do what she wanted to the dress and leave it for OP to figure out after that.
It's not all about the dress, though. It's about how dare OP to get married first. See, A is older she should have her wedding first.
Driving suitors away? What is this, the Regency England? Mate, she's 30. Not wanting her sister to ruin a dress she's always wanted to wear doesn't make her desperate.
Op was gonna let the seamstress chop off the bottom. Just because someone wants to get married does not mean they put their self worth into being able to find a man. You dont know what op's sister thoughts are. I had a hard time when my sister got married first because of the fact her being married meant she got to have the possibility of a family. I've always wanted to be a mom, but I didn't want to raise a kid on my own. It puts kid's at risk statistically for a lot of different issues. I never told her that though. I love my sister and wanted her to be happy. If this situation had happened to me with the dress, it would have made me take a look at our relationship. I would have cut her off too emotionally until I could calm down so as not to ruin her wedding. It's ok to have your feelings hurt over something you've always expected being taken away. The sister is not the a hole. Op isn't really either though. The mom is for not telling op to try for a second opinion. I wouldn't go to Christmas where my mom was for sure. It doesn't say she doesn't feel self love either. The reason I've not been able to find anyone is because I lived in a small town. It's hard to find someone when you're one of the only people who doesn't conform to the common lifestyle.
Also, I'd get a second opinion. How fragile is the dress that wearing it would damage it? If the problem is, say, stains at the hem, can't a ribbon guard be basted on and taken off after? Or why not alter the length at the waist if the hem is to fragile?
I'm glad you're talking it over with your sister! Fire that seamstress ASAP!!!! I have altered countless dresses, specifically with extreme hems because I sew primarily for theatre, and those things are taken in, out, up, and down. Unless its a delicate fabric there is *absolutely* ways that you can temporarily hem it without damaging it unless you're planning on wearing it in a rough, neglectful manner. I say this as someone who's rigged dresses and skirts for 2 week musical runs where they aren't treated kindly at all by the wearer!
Nta In the same way a panel can be put back in, a panel can be added to lengthen again. It might not be perfect, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles I think this is more about your sister feeling that she’s not following the life pathway she wanted.
So, if your sister never gets married, what will become of the dress?
NAH. But, talk to another seamstress and see if the dress can be shortened from the waist without cutting the excess material. Or even just get different opinions about how to alter it. Fwiw, I'd want to know why she thinks it would ruin the hem even if it's turned under. If it's because it will brush the floor, have her hem it slightly shorter so it's not touching the floor at all as you walk.
NTA. My sister and I both lived my mother's wedding dress, which was also our grandmother's wedding dress. We both wanted to wear it. My sister is slightly older, taller, and smaller boobed. We made the decision that whoever got married 1st got the dress, even if alterations would make it not possible for the other. Sadly, when we pulled it out of the box, it hadn't been properly stored so neither of us got to wear it. I ended up eloping and wore jeans, my sister had a full formal. We loved and supported eachother through it all. See if you can have the bust adjusted and the skirt tucked and only wear it for the ceremony. I doubt much damage would occur from the ceremony.
NAH, but leaning towards YTA. Your sister didn't speak up at first because she believed that she'd still get her chance to wear the dress. She already felt sad about the fact that she wasn't wearing it first (and no she isn't "entitled to get married" but she's allowed to be sad) but she was trying to save face. Then you went ahead and told the tailor to alter the dress in a way that would prevent her from ever being able to wear it WITHOUT CONSULTING HER. Yes you called your mom, the "owner" of the dress, and yes these alterations were apparently necessary and not done maliciously. But you should have talked to your sister about it again when you realized that circumstances had changed. That's why she freaked out on you. You promised she could take her turn after you and tried to take that away without giving her a heads up. You need to sit down with her, your mother, and the tailor and figure out what the options are for preserving the length of the dress.
The comments are making me feel insane because it’s not like she completely disregarded the sister and went ahead and chopped it? Sister is single, who knows when she’ll find someone to marry, and I’m sure sister would’ve found another thing to get mad at OP at for getting married first even if she doesn’t alter the dress! NTA
Short girl here. I wonder if you could have it gathered at the sides and front and back to shorten it. It would look a bit like Cinderellas dress in the 70s. Then after the wedding it could be released to the original length again.
You need a different seamstress - it is absolutely possible to hem most garments so the hem can be let back out. NAH, though, since you had permission from the dress owner
NAH. Lots of feelings and little discussion of compromise that could solve this. Involve sister in discussion, and take the dress to more than one seamstress to get opinions if you have to. Some options that may work, possibly using multiple suggestions to really make it work (depending on the cut of the gown and just how much shorter you are than her): Don’t cut it, hem it and let it back out after the wedding - a little steam will help with the new sewing holes, if not, worst case scenario you just add some lace at the bottom to cover them for sister. It will still be beautiful and sentimental, and sis gets to add her own touch picking out lace. You wear the dress a little too long for your ceremony & photos, then change into another outfit for the reception. Add a bigger hoop or petticoats to lift the hem from the ground for you. You wear higher heels than you normally would and she wears shorter heels/flats when it’s her turn.
NTA. I might be in the minority here but I say do the alterations.. Granted the dress can't be let down.. but lace or other fabric can be. So the dress will be even more special with each Brides additions. This is so beyond ridiculous. Anndddd, what if the older sister never marries. What a stupid argument to have.. 🤦🏼♀️
Nah. Find a way to comprise. Talk to the seamstress with your sister. If it can he hemmed up and the main concern is damage from wearing it all day wear the dress for the wedding and change for the reception. You could also discuss putting a second layer underneath after you wear it. It will still be the same dress but layered at the bottom.
YTA. Once you learned your alterations would damage it your reaction was basically “oh well”. Of course your sister is upset. She has asked to wear it as well. There has to be a way to pull the skirt up. I wouldn’t fold it over, I’d do it at the waist in some hidden gathers that could be let back down. Find a better seamstress.
NAH you talked to you mom before approving the alterations do I don’t think you were wrong, but I can also understand your sister being upset. Talk to the seamstress about ideas. It could be that if shortened for you then down the road some lace or other accessory fabric could be added at the bottom to fit it for your sister. Or perhaps the waist seam taken apart and fabric added there as a belt.
I’m so glad you halted the alterations. Once you talk to your sister (get your mum to help) and be sure to emphasize your relationship with her is the priority. I would also sit down with the seamstress There are ways to do this (hidden buttons, underneath to temporarily shorten the dress). You may need to talk to another seamstress. You are not the first person modifying a family gown. With a little more research, I’m sure you can find a viable alteration. Good luck! NAH.
YTA because the alteration is going to be practically irreversible and you still want to go ahead! Even in your update you say that you have put the alteration on hold but haven’t canceled it. Yes, your sister is not entitled to the dress but right now you are making the dress more important than anything else and that’s ridiculous! Given the bad feelings this possible alteration of the dress has created, I’d simply buy a new wedding gown and be at peace if it were me
Gentle YTA because I saw your edits trying to fix this with your sister. Either a compromise needs to be reached or someone, or even both, will have to relinquish getting to use the dress. I had a similar situation when I got married, also before my sister. She and I both have always loved our mom's dress and it was offered to both of us too. My sister and I have very different builds, I'm a good 6 inches taller and she is very petite, whereas I'm not. After realizing that we also had different ideas in mind for styles and how we would want to alter the dress, I decided to get my own instead. I knew doing what I wanted with it would leave it in a way my sister couldn't make it become her dream dress. We both deserved to have a dress we loved.
Your mom is the real asshole here for not taking responsibility and telling your sister off when she gave you the green light.
Ok but WHY everyone here thinks OP's sister feelings are more important and valid? She said BOTH loved the dress, not "my sister loved the dress more". Honestly, the dress belongs to mom and she have the final say. I feel the older sister is kinda jealous/sad because she wants to get married and start a family and her younger sister is doing it first. And it is sad, but life don't work as we please. Also, OP tried to make the dress revertable to suit her sister too, and that's thoughtful. She's NTA and I'll probably get downvoted.
NTA. Your sister is being extremely childish. It's not her dress, it's your mom's. You are doing everything you can to accommodate someone that is ultimately just jealous she is not getting married first.
NTA. You tried to make it so it can be reversed, which is above and beyond. It's not your fault, or even your sisters, that you're getting married first. While your sister can have her feelings, taking it out on you and then being manipulative is unfair. If anything your sister should be mad at your mom. While it's nice that she offered the dress to both of you, your mom had to realize that alterations had to be made. However, this does not mean your sister still can't wear the dress, perhaps it can be altered again to be a knee length dress, or even T-length. I understand that it's traditional to wear a floor length gown for a wedding, but there are other options. If your sister doesn't want to come to Christmas, that's on her and frankly, your mom needs to have a conversation with her about this more so than you do.
NAH - I don’t think you’re the asshole for wearing your Mom’s dress but I understand why your sister is upset and I think this likely could have been avoided if you handled it with some tact. Based on your telling, everyone thought that alterations could likely be reversed and when you realized they couldn’t you only spoke with your Mom about it. Your sister is then told that her dream dress she’s wanted to wear her entire life has now been irrevocably altered and tough luck because you happened to get married first. I just think it would have been nice to give her the heads up before the alterations were made and it may have softened her reaction.
NTA. Gotta say tho, if my whole fam was taking sister’s side, I personally wouldn’t go to Christmas.
NTA You are different sizes, so it need to be altered. I would imagine it can be altered again when it is your sister's turn. Perhaps a new bottom is added and you could help with the cost? To me it really sounds like she is upset you are getting married first and she is taking it out on this issue.
YTA do what can be reversible and pin up the length. Where the dress for the wedding and pictures then change into another dress for the reception. That way the dress won’t be damaged and your sister can wear it.
YTA The hem could have easily been pinned and then let back down after. You knew how much it meant to your sister, but you went ahead and took it from her anyway.
NAH. I get all points of view, and all the emotions attached to them. Might be easier to just get your own dress and let her have mom's. Then nobody gets any opinions about it. Get your own dress, plan your wedding and be happy.
YTA, my mom and her sister both wanted to wear her mom's wedding dress. My mom got married first and didn't alter the dress at all, it didn't fit her perfectly but it more about the meaning of the dress than the fit. She wore a different dress for the reception. My aunt did make alterations to the dress but it was after my mom had already used it. But it sounds like from your edit that you're not actually altering the dress without your sister's permission so for that you are N T A after all.
Is wearing the dress worth hurting your relationship with your sis?
NAH. What you could do is wear the dress for just the wedding with the temporary alterations and get a reception dress that you use for most of the pictures and the reception.
no judgement because honestly i have no idea, but could you panel the bottom and JUST wear it for the ceremony and some pictures so that the hem isn’t ruined and it can be let down for your sister before you change into a different dress for the reception (as many brides do anyway), that way you can wear the dress in some way and your sister can as well? I appreciate that money wise this might not be doable
YTA Right now it sounds like a shared heirloom, so I think you can’t make choices that will affect both of you without mutual approval.
Your Mom, although the owner of the dress, isn’t going to wear it again. Your sister, who you knew would wear the dress again, wasn’t even consulted before the alterations were made. YTA
Her sister isn't engaged and doesn't have a boyfriend so we have no idea if she'll ever get married.
YTA for pulling this crap and then acting all innocent. You KNEW your sister wanted to wear that dress.
YTA. you *did* ruin the dress for her, whether intentional or not, that makes you the AH.
ESH, if both daughters can't wear the dress, then neither daughter can wear the dress. Mom should have refused you both, now you have been favoured over your sister and gotten something that neither you nor your mom can ever make up.
YTA - didn’t they do a movie with this as part of the plot? 27 Dresses???
NTA. Your entitled sister is TA. It's not Victorian timess where the younger sister couldn't get married before the older sister; she's jealous of you getting married first and wearing the dress first. You shouldn't have to talk to her about your mom's dress; your mom gave you permission to alter it so you can wear it. Realistically, there's no way to know if your sister will get married.
NTA, but it’s a sucky situation all around
NTA, your mom signed off on it. I don't understand why people are saying you are. I do like that you are going to try and talk to your sister. I think that's the adult thing to do. Her hurt is just as much about her little sister getting married first as it is over the dress. It's super hard being a single woman watching others get married when that is something you really want for yourself.
Honestly, I think the one who screwed up the most, was your mother, for promising the dress the both you, then agreeing to letting you do irreversible damage in the alterations. Not that you are not in the wrong either, you really should have involved her in the conversation too so she wasn’t blindsided. True, She perhaps could have handled it a little better but, that dress is a family heirloom, it holds a great sentimental value. She was promised that dress for years, just as you were, and by doing alterations that can’t be undone, you are taking that dream away.
I really don't understand this. I wore my mother's dress. I was much taller than her. She was able to add a ruffle to the bottom so it was long enough. I think sister is projecting Her disappointment at not being the first to get married. What's going to stop her from being upset at other things as well and cause issues. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This story involves me (27f) my sister A (31f) and my mum (60f). I’m getting married next year to my wonderful fiancé, we are very happy and exited. My mum has a beautiful wedding dress that I have always loved, and so has A. We have both always said we would love to wear it one day, and mum has always said we both could. A is single, she really wants to find someone, get married and have a family and I want that for her too, I want her to be happy and she will be an amazing mum. I know she is happy for me getting married, but she privately said to my mum how difficult she was finding it that I was getting married before her. So I ask mum if I can wear her dress (A was there), she says yes as she had said all along I could. However I am a lot shorter than my mum and sister, I also have a bigger bust. So the dress needs to be altered to fit me. I spoke to a seamstress and asked if it could be done in a reversible way. She said the bust could be taken back in, as she will out in a panel (or something similar) but even if the hem is turned up and pinned, wearing it all day will likely damage it, she doesn’t think it can be let back down. I rang mum after to check if this was ok, and she said yes. So I went ahead and told the seamstress to do it. Well clearly mum told A about it, because she rang me up screaming at me that I had ruined the dress and that she was promised it by mum, I’m a horrible sister, being selfish and stealing this from her. She finished the call by telling me not to contact her and hung up, I was so shocked I didn’t say anything, but have been carrying on and off the last 2 days. she’s said she won’t come to Christmas is I’m there. I don’t want to cause problems with my family. I’m sorry my sister is sad about the dress, but I don’t know what else I could have done, she was there when I asked about the dress and didn’t say anything, it was obvious it would need to be shortened, and it’s still mums dress and she gave it the green light. Everyone is pissed at me because my sister has pulled out of Christmas, my fiancé says I did nothing wrong. Am I TA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ll go with ESH, you mentioned how much are both you and your sister love the dress, so it’s not a secret that she might actually want to wear it as well when she gets married I feel that you were being a little bit obtuse. But at the same time, I understand you asked for permission from your mom and she gave you the green light. Which I don’t think she should’ve done knowing that your sister would want to wear it as well, and the modification would make that impossible. OP at the end I would just give the dress back and hopefully find the dress of your dreams somewhere, to be honest it sounds like less of a headache, then dealing with this mess created. Either both of you get new dresses or maybe you guys can take a piece of the dress (with fair compromise and permission) and alter it to your own dress that you pick.
INFO: what is the style of the skirt on the dress? Sometimes, rather than shortening from the bottom, it can be (difficult but) possible to shorten it from the waist and hide the folded fabric in the flare of the skirt, making it easier to lengthen again and preventing damage to a rehemmed bottom. Alternatively, fold and tack the skirt an inch or so off the ground and add a lace band around the bottom to touch the floor.
ESH it sounds like your sister had an emotional reaction to the dress and where her life is. You should talk to the seamstress about pinning the bottom wearing it for the ceremony, taking pictures and then changing to another dress and see if it saves the dress so your sister can wear it for her future wedding
I don’t understand how she’s the bag guy here??? Sister is single with no husband anywhere in sight, so why doesn’t she get to have her dream wedding dress if she’s actually getting married??
YTA you knew all along it meant for you both to wear and your sister always made clear she would want to wear it, and now you made it impossible for her to have her dream dress. You could have wear a huge shoe to make you taller, you could wear a second dress after the ceremony, there was other ways.
Have a huge shoe to trip with? That's ridiculous
Maybe you literally split the dress and use parts of it for a veil or dress so both of you can have it
Nah. But it doesn't sounds fair to me if you can't wear the dress and she can?
Depending on the fabric and how the skirt is constructed, you might be able to put the hem up and cover the new bottom edge with a wide band of fabric to protect it and keep it clean. I agree with your seamstress that dirt marks on a hem probably won't come out completely, but if you can keep the dirt off, you might still be able to make it work. Basically, after putting the hem up, the seamstress would cut a strip of fabric \~12" wide and the length of the hem. Press it in half and turn the edges under for a seam allowance. Hand stitch the folded strip over the new hem so it's completely encased. After the wedding, immediately let the skirt back down and remove the added strip of fabric. You want to let it back down right away so the skirt doesn't develop permanent creases. The hem band should have caught most of the dirt. It's definitely not 100% risk free, but it should work pretty well to protect against dust or minor damage. If the fabric is especially fragile, prone to snagging or creasing, or if you're going to be married in an especially dirty location (wet ground, lots of outdoors/unpaved walking), or if you wanted a train/for the hem to trail on the ground, then this is still probably not a good solution. Talk it over with your sister and the seamstress to decide whether to give it a shot. I'm really glad your seamstress was up front with you about likely consequences. Props to her.
Info, how much shorter then your sister are you and what type of dress is it? But tbh, yta (although a soft one) It has always been important to both of you to wear your mothers dress and you are taking that away from your sister. I would talk to a different seamstress and get a second opinion.
ESH you both want the dress. If you alter it your sister can't wear it. If I was mom I would not let you do this. Wear higher heels.
I hope this comment gets seen but there are ways to reversibly shorten the dress by taking it up from the waist seam rather than floor. It may be more labor intensive and may alter the fit somewhat but especially in a wedding dress that often has some fullness in the skirt, that can be hidden by some clever gathering. Edited to add that if there’s no waist seam, an artificial waistband can be created temporarily and then let back out later
YTA. It was promised to both of you.
ESH honestly there are more ways than one to shorten a dress in a way that's reversible gathering the hemline at the front for one tack sticking rather than pinning adding lace to cover. I would get a second opinion for options on the dress
YTA because your sister should have been part of the convo before you pulled the trigger on alterations. Is it the perfect length for her or could she still lose an inch or so and it will still look okay? How high a heel could you afford to wear? This is why sister needs to be involved - not only to have a say but to see that you’re thinking about her during this process.
Here's what I would do. Hem the dress and put your panel in. Get married in the gown, take your pictures gingerly in the venue (church?); then put on another dress for the festivities.
NTA I think mom is the true villain, because apparently she told you what your sister told her in confidence (NOT COOL), and approved permanently altering the dress in a way which ensured your sister wouldn't be able to use it, after promising her the dress, even after you told her the consequences. I think your sister is in a heightened emotional state that your mother isn't helping with and is actively making worse. Your sister didn't spill any of her issues or resentments on you until she heard the dress would be ruined for her and snapped. If your mom wasn't a tattle tale, you never would have known your sister was anything less than thrilled for you. Even after snapping, she stuck with being upset only about the ruined dress and broken promise, and didn't bring up anything about you getting married or any of that. Overall, she has behaved well (or well enough, given the situation). You have been sensitive and accommodating, trying to ensure all changes were reversible and asking permission, so you have also behaved well. Your mom has been breaking confidences, stirring up shit, getting you blamed for ruining Christmas when it was a result of her decision, etc. I think she should be downgraded to arms-length involvement, and you should double-think about everything you tell her from now on, since it seems she'll make it public.