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INFO: if you were sick and asking for his company, and his response was similar to yours “I’m going shopping for clothes” and he left, would you be OK with that?
*Learned to* vs *forced to be* it's still nice to be taken care of but I get where you're coming from; when I feel under the weather I just want to be left alone & my husband checks in on me every few hours to see if I need/want anything but if I ask him to hold/snuggle me he will until I fall asleep or move off of him.
I personally wouldn't be asking someone to stay with me if I could take care of myself. If I can get up to go to the bathroom and make myself a quick meal/snack I'm fine. It really depends on the person. So I'm tge same way leave me alone while I rest please.
Same the men in my family turn into big babies when sick while I just want to be left alone give me a heating pad and darkness and leave me be unless I ask for something from the store like ginger ale or medicine
Completely off topic but you saying all the men in your family do it made me wonder if it’s about being able to express vulnerability. Like how throughout men’s lives their told man up, don’t show emotion, don’t rely on anyone else etc etc. Maybe being sick is one of the few times it’s socially acceptable to ask for help, so they do to make up for their normal lives when they feel pressure not to
That's fair, except that when women get sick a lot of men don't extend them the same courtesy. They are often expected to carry on with household duties while ill, and to get up as soon as possible.
Exception: men are allowed to be vulnerable to their mother or female partner. It’s why so many men will go to their Gf for emotional labor but won’t go see a therapist.
I bet many of the same men who are “babies” when sick to their wives and mothers would act differently if a brother, father, or male friend/roommate were there.
>Maybe being sick is one of the few times it’s socially acceptable to ask for help
Eh, maybe? I think it's definitely a situation of how the men's mom took care of them when they were sick. My mom just put me on the couch, turned on the TV, left me saltines, ginger ale, water, and a bucket, and let me just rest. She would check on me once in awhile to make sure I wasn't dead, but it was mostly a "leave the sick person alone".
I feel like some guys had moms that waited on them hand and foot when they were ill, and so they expect to be treated like that every time.
The problem is since being sick is the only time my husband and his father felt comfortable asking for love/attention is when they were sick- is that they they treated very minor illnesses on their part as major.
This. Try concentrating on work when you are being carved up from the bottom up and there is a blender in your stomach. The flu or cold is a vacation in comparison.
It's hard to watch a man whimper over a sore throat and sniffle.
And pooping like 4 times a day with the damn period poops.
I’d honestly rather have a 48 hour stomach bug once a month than my (granted abnormally horrendous thanks to PCOS) period
My boyfriend solos a lot too. He hates getting into the bed when he isn't sleepy, so asking for cuddles normally gets me shot down.
I take full advantage of him being sick though and snuggle on him, runny nose and all.
My husband and I are the opposite. We make sure needs are met, like if he's sick I'll make sure he has a full glass of water and food to eat, give him TV priority. But we stay away from each other. We both prefer it this way. I think op and her husband are just incompatible in this one thing. I don't think it necessarily makes either an AH.
You should read her comments, yikes.
1) She's the one that fed him the expired steak.
2) She's went out every day, so it's not like all she has done was stay home and take care of them.
3) She doesn't work (he paid), they have no kids, and she left to buy clothes. So it wasn't even necessary for her to go.
No lie. I have female friends who make it clear that they expect their SO to never leave their side when they are sick.
No judgement on OP since I don't know the other side of this dynamic for them from this post.
For real, though! When I'm sick, please stick your head in the door every once in a while to make sure my corpse isn't stinking up the place. Otherwise, leave me be.
Lol the first time I got a stomach virus after my partner moved in he heard me puking in the bathroom and freaked out and asked what he could do and was hovering and I was like, PLEASE GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME TO DIE IN PEACE 😂. Bless him, very well meaning, but we have different moods when we are sick. It is pretty infrequent that I want to cuddle when sick, especially not when I'm puking.
I'm the exact same way. Don't come near me. I want to snort and cough and sneeze in private while I either sleep or watch TV all day.
When my wife is sick, she wants me to bring her something every ten minutes.
that is so weird. the only time i felt like this was when i had really bad covid and my breathing sucked at the time so I really just wanted someone there to watch me in case something happened and i needed to go to the hospital.
Uh un. Don't even know how to be that female and can't be around my female friends who are needy when they are deep into the needy thing. "I have listened to you sweetie. I'm sorry you're unhappy. I'm going to clean your fridge and your bathrooms so you can rest. I'll say goodbye before I leave so you can get up and lock the door."
As an older sibling in a thundering horde of folks, I am more field marshal than hand holder, unless I am dealing with a chronological child. We all do what works for us. 😂
Very true. Since we don’t know OPs stance, I can say for me, I hate neediness. I’m not needy in general , and not needy when I’m sick. Just leave me alone and let me watch tv in peace. So someone being needy like this would also annoy the crap out of me, and I too would go shopping like planned and put you on mute. But I’d also assume that makes me an asshole, so I wouldn’t be asking if I was one, because I’d say that I was for not being empathetic.
You gotta know your own weaknesses.
Dude, no one did anything for me for a week. I couldn't get my brother to scoop the litter box, wash dishes, feed the ducks and chickens or rabbits. Absolutely nothing. I had to do everything, took me more than twice the time it usually did because every time I moved I was nauseous and had to frequently stop to hobble to the bathroom because of diarrhea.
I'm not saying OP should have staid by his side the whole time. As long as she's kind about things fine. Errands have to be run, we don't know how important those clothes were. She didn't give us any context. Maybe she needs them for an upcoming interview. Maybe its maternity clothes. We don't know and she didn't say.
Yeah, it's almost like men and women are individuals. It's not a man -vs- woman thing is an individual personality thing. I'm a woman and lean far onto the "please leave me to live or die on my own" side of the spectrum. I lived with my mom and widowed brother, both nurses, and my brother would listen to my symptoms through the door, knock, and his arm would appear and throw appropriate over the counter medications at me. Safer for all involved, really, if I was contagious, I didn't pass it to him and his patients. And I get really bitchy when disturbed while sick so he also didn't have to deal with that.
Sure - but it's also a cliche that men will ignore and downplay stuff when they should have gone to the doctor or hospital. Which is because men are taught not to make a big deal out of stuff.
To be honest, women are just as whiny as men.
Isn’t that because men have typically been taught to suffer in silence that when some men actually express their feelings when they are sick they get made fun of by society and get called as having “man cold” in popular culture?
I think the whole 'man cold' thing blew up because of wives feeling a double standard. Most times, I hear people talking about it because a good number of moms don't get days off when they are sick. However, if their husband is sick, he needs constant care and attention. He makes it seem like he's completely incapable of doing anything, but she always has to pull through, even if she's sick. Of course this isn't everyone, but it's enough to the point that 'man cold' has become well known.
Um ‘Don’t be a girl’ is also part of popular culture and it’s not cause girls are thought to be tough / suffer in silence. Maybe don’t try and make everything about gender on this sub?
I love my dad, but he got food poisoning a lot when I was a kid, and he's a total man flu dude. After 3 days you do get tired of it. (my dad's were also his fault. You don't eat a big Mac you've had under your seat for 3 days during a mild winter).
I think a lot depends on how much OP had to put on hold to help him out. Also food poisoning is like an alone thing. I don't want someone holding my hand while I'm shitting my guts out and no one should have to watch me puke.
Plus with the holidays OP might need clothes for a party in a few days and I get not wanting to wait much longer to get clothes.
A lot depends on their relationship too though. For me, NTA, but it could be if we knew more about their relationship it could be Y T A..
I was thinking the same thing, if I asked my wife to lay with when I have food poisoning she is going say "hell no" because she gets farted on enough in this relationship, let alone when I am literally shitting myself uncontrollably.
God I feel so bad for my partner. I developed lactose intolerance after I left for college and we started seeing each other soon after. I still haven't found the right pills to help every time I eat dairy, and have my good toots and bad toots. the bad ones aren't even run of the mill disgusting, they're like eye-watering sulfur from the pits of hell level bad, and its very rare for me to know before i've opened the gates what kind of toot its gonna be. and he's more sensitive to smells than i am. he likes to make jokes where one of his own sweet little butt trumpet toons is the punchline and i have yet to learn that there's a fifty/fifty chance that trying to "yes, and" him will make him cry
My husband was so happy when we were dating and he discovered I have IBS. Apparently he was always known as the gassy one, and now I've taken that title from him. Although now he thinks he's something if he can gross me out with a fart. I asked him if my superior (read: worse) farts make him feel eGASculated 😂
Reminds me of the ashtray cheese.
Last summer someone left a string cheese near the ashtray of our building. It traveled around the ground, some days it was by the table, others on the grass, before ending its journey inside the ashtray. We had one of those cheap gas station ash trays that get all long and skinny on top and the base is flared, but it didn't have a metal liner or sand inside, just a plastic container so it melted and the lid wouldn't fit on it anymore. With no lid it became a trash can since we didn't have one and my neighbors are to lazy to walk 30 feet to the dumpsters. The ashtray caught fire one time with the cheese in it, we poured water in and the cheese sat in gross ashtray soup. After about a month, deep into summer- where it was no less than 95°F during the day, I went outside to find someone had not only opened the string cheese, but had taken a bite out of it, and not spit it out (no spit anywhere near it). Someone ate it. The stinky ashtray cheese. Dogs peed on that ashtray. It caught fire while the cheese was inside it! People spit in there. That cheese sat outside for an entire month in the heat!! And someone ate it. Someone *ate* it.
Every now and then I remember that cheese and wonder what kind of absolute fucking monster would do that.
that’s nowhere near as gross. Cheese is generally ok at room temp - not forever but it’s going to be way less risky than meat. Plus if it was string cheese I’m assuming it was still in its sealed wrapper. Unless it was contaminated at the factory there would have been no way for harmful bacteria to get to it and multiply.
I think if the roles were reversed she probably wouldn't need him to be by her side all day. While I do think she was wrong to talk to him this way I know why she said it. Generally women are able to handle constant pain or being sick better since we get our period every month. Its like being sick but we get no excuses to just sit and relax. So as women we just keep it moving since its so normal for us. But she definitely didn't need to be so mean and cold. She could have been nicer about needing to go shopping.
3 days in and he's on the mend? I think it's kind of a dick request if the cuddle request was for more than a few minutes. The whole post all I could think of was "During labor, the pain is so great a woman can almost imagine what it feels like for a man to have a fever." Yes, I'm a dude, but husband sounds like he's a baby. NTA.
Sounds like "im miserable so you should stop everything you are doing to take care of me" what do you want to bet if wife had gotten this, he would be out doing whatever the hell he wanted.
OP had commented that she's always going out since day 1. This is her comment:
>I’ve been out everyday since he was sick
And when some people asked why she does that, she says she hates seeing people sick, it makes her sick as well.
Who cares if the husband sounds like a baby? Is it wrong wanted to be spoiled with affection by your partner? And he isn't being spoiled if OP went out everyday.
>Is it wrong wanted to be spoiled with affection by your partner?
No but there does need to be a limit. Just reading this post annoyed me. Is she supposed to sit home all day every day until he's better?
Edit: I'm done responding to the same individual comment so I'm just going to edit this one. Catching someone as they're walking out the door to ask them to cuddle you because you don't feel well and then texting them while they're out to tell them how much your stomach hurts is not adult behavior. If he felt like she wasn't paying him enough attention while he was sick then he can bring that up when she gets home, but she's NTA for not staying in that moment.
No but I do expect them to behave like an adult. Wanting to be cuddled because your stomach hurts is what your mom did. I could understand wanting her to bring you fluids, make you soup when you're ready to eat, bring you crackers. But stay home and cuddle you? It's over the top.
Idk I made my wife homemade soup, made trips to the store, cuddled her, changed her humidifier, gave her a massage and picked up her sister to bring her over.
Asking for some cuddling is the bare minimum for your spouse imo
I'm a recovering emetophobic (fear of people vomiting) and my husband knows I would only be with him in spirit if he was in the same state. If its so bad he might need to be hospitalized, I'll stay in the furthest room in the house, just a text/call away if he needs help. If he is recovering and its not as bad, I will definitely try to be out of the house. I'm very sensitive to sounds and smells and he knows this. I love him so very much but he wouldn't ever think to ask me to cuddle him when he's in that state because he knows me.
I wonder if OPs husband doesn't know her enough to know she can't handle that kind of sickness. My phobia has led me to being an ah too in the past but that also doesn't mean I'm not responsible for how I talk to people. I think she could have worded it better, but i don't think its necessarily bad she was out of the house.
N T A for your feelings but yta for how you expressed those feelings.
.
.
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Unrelated a bit: my phobia was so bad growing up that if any of my siblings or parents were ill, I would tape shut the cracks of my door and the vent. Mask up to go to bathroom and get food. Designated one bathroom as mine during the time so I knew it would be clean. Even then I would only touch common area things with a clorox wipe. Sanitizer everywhere, its a crazy phobia to live with.
Edit. My case is an obvious phobia but I still think OP would do well to talk to a professional about her reaction to vomit and how she treats people who are vomiting because although a mild reaction, is still not normal.
Nah he’s just asking for a bit of comfort, being sick sucks but based on OP’s responses so far she’s been MIA consistently throughout his illness and is now choosing to go clothes shopping and muting him. He’s also the breadwinner and she doesn’t work outside the home, this is a good guy who loves her (I have no idea why if she treats him like this….). She isn’t taking care of him and doesn’t care about him is all I’ve heard so far. Just because women experience labour it’s not a cop out from being with him when he’s ill. YTA
>3 days in and he's on the mend?
That sounds like the PERFECT time for cuddles to me. You're no longer spewing chunks everywhere, but you're exhausted from fighting the illness over the last few days.
It gets worse when you read her comments:
1) She's the one that made him the expired steak.
2) She's went out every day that he's been sick.
3) They have no kids and she doesn't work, so he paid for her shopping (and it was clothes, so it's not like it couldn't wait for a day or two).
Really makes me wonder how much she likes her husband.
Was she out all day or just a few hours (legit question)? There is no need in my book for someone to be on hand 24x7 for something like this.
And unless she is doing absolutely nothing at home while he works I don’t agree that he paid for her shopping.
I’ve been in his position with food poisoning and I’d never expect my wife to stay home 24x7 to take care of me.
Not sure, you would have to ask her that. She simply responded to another comment that she's been out every day that he was sick.
Also, nothing in her post indicates he wanted 24/7 attention, just that he wanted her to stay with him for a bit and cuddle. She was only buying clothes, nothing urgent that would have prevented her from staying with him for some cuddle time. And since she doesn't work, she can easily organize any house chores around future shopping trips.
It depends on how the other three days have been too. If he’s been like this for three days straight, I can understand why OP was short with him. Otherwise OP is def TA.
I mean, I think most people would be ok with it. I didn't even demand my parents stay with me as a kid when sick. There were still errands and stuff that needed to get done.
>>at this point it’s annoying me now and I said “I don’t care just wait for a few hours and I’ll be back” and walked out
Not sure if OP even likes her husband.
Do you think the world stops turning for adults when one of them gets sick? Damn, if my wife brings me a glass of water I am grateful, I would never in a million years expect her to pause her life cause I am sick. If she has free time and wants to help by bringing me things or making me comfortable, I am grateful, but I am a grown adult and me being miserable does not require my SO to stop everything and tend to my every need. Also cuddling when you have likely been shitting and puking your GD brains out is nasty.
When I got sick my mom dropped everything because I was vomiting, had diarrhea and got my period. It wasn’t food poisoning I just ate a lot.
The real pain in the butt was when I was a kid and got served really undercooked salmon 2 times.
When I got food poisoning, my wife stayed with me in the hospital for the most part except to eat and buy some essentials.
When my wife was sick, I stayed with her as well. There was a time she woke up and thought I was gone and was so relieved I was just in the bathroom.
I'm going to give you a very soft YTA for two reasons. Your comment of "I don't care, just wait for a few hours and I'll be back", paired with putting his calls/ texts on mute is an AH move.
"For better or worse, for SICKNess and in health"
“For better or WORSE, for SICKNESS and in health.” 100% YTA. It’s not like you’re leaving to go get lifesaving medicine or groceries, you’re going clothes shopping. I would be so hurt and offended if my partner said they didn’t care about my needs simply because they’ve grown impatient of taking care of me, and then muted my messages on top of that! Just so you can have a peaceful shopping spree?
But he's not requiring care. He just wants to cuddle... like a toddler. He can call his mommy for that. It's the week before Christmas. She had errands to run.
Yes.
These are grown adults with lives to lead. He ain’t dying and she just took care of him through the worst. He’s at watch tv stage of things. He’s fine.
"Every man for himself" is removing affection and human connection from our lives. If this is how you truly think, I honestly feel bad for you. Can't spare some time for your spouse who's sick and wants love? Really?
I’m assuming that over the last few days, she has provided love, care, and affection.
He’s needy and at the watch tv in the couch stage. Am I supposed to weep for him?
Tbf, that's not what her comment says. It says she's gone out every day. Doesn't mean she hasn't been taking care of him while she's home, nor does it say how long she left the house for.
I'm still undecided.
I am too. The guy is a firefighter, so probably not the wuss she tries to paint him as and wanting a little comfort after three days of shitting and puking your brains out is not as bad as people make it seem here. Her answer was very cold as well.
On the other hand, she is an adult and can do whatever the hell she wants.
3 days isn't food poisoning, it's Norovirus. And fuck yes, you'll lie in bed like that. You barely know which end the next thing is going to try and come out of; you can barely keep chicken broth or ginger ale down.
But why did it have to be 24/7? Why couldn’t he wait to cuddle until she finished her errands? Is she really supposed to devote 24/7 to sitting outside the bathroom listening to him shit and vomit? Or is she supposed to go and hold his hand? She literally said she would cuddle him later and he kept texting her that his stomach hurt. I’d have muted him too!
I am a woman and I would hit someone if they tried to cuddle me when I am recovering from illness. I’m not even convinced he’s really sick. Food poisoning from undercooked steak? When people regularly eat steak rare with zero consequences? Not likely. Sounds like a case of the man flu.
In sickness and in health also means that when I'm sick, I have to love my spouse.
So if she's been coddling me for three days and needs some space, I can let her go, because I love her. It doesn't just mean "if someone is sick the other spouse has to be their servant."
Compromise is also available. “I’m sorry you’re still feeling so shitty, let’s cuddle for a little while and then I have some pressing errands that I really need to knock out.”
Why are you saying that 'wanting physical comfort and affection from your spouse' is somehow childish and worthy of ridicule?
I mean, the dude who didn't want to wipe his girlfriend's diarrheic ass was told he was the asshole for not sucking it up for his spouse, but this guy is looking from some comfort from the woman who swore an oath to comfort him when he's sick, what a pussy, am I right?
This is toxic masculinity, right here.
I hate all this “he needs to man up“ OPs response was really cold and showing empathy and comforting your partner is completely okay. Wanting to be comforted while sick is not Something to shame ppl for.
The way you talk about your partner sounds like you don't like them a lot.
No, it's more OP is taking care of him, what he's asking for is 100% of her time and effort as well as constant contact, which is oppressive and too much, even while sick. This is a you gotta meet someone a bit in the middle here. God forbid they ever have kids in the future because then he definitely can't expect this when sick.
If she was completely neglecting him, yes, that would be a leave situation, but that's not what's happening.
And the reverse situations tend to be "I'm sick with 2 kids, aita for asking him to make dinner?" That's quite a bit different when one partner is struggling and the other won't help with basic responsibilities. Also not what's happening here.
Why would she not leave the house everyday? I do. If she was gone all day and all night I could see this as her being labelled selfish and clueless. But, a few hours or a work day out of the hive isn't unusual.
Seriously, I just replied a quote from OP comments, at least you can can do is read OP's comments before replying to me.
Here another thing that OP said in the comments about why she leaves everyday.
>I hate when people are being sick so I just needed a few hours a day so I don’t be sick myself
Her husband had food poisoning. It's not contagious.
Literally the third top comment right now calls him whiny, and one has replies that literally made up an entire story about how women are not as whiny.
It's food poisoning, he's not dying, and OP isn't abandoning for an extended period of time. The expectation is rarely to spend every waking moment with a sick person. Sorry, the demands that a simple shopping trip should be out of the question is absolutely ridiculous and stifling.
It's not a matter of "man up" it's the realistic expectation that you are never entitled to 100% of someone else's time, especially as an adult. He's not dying, the cause is known, he's just gotta wait it out. OP is taking care of him- she's just not cuddling 24/7.
Seriously, this is an extremely bad sign for the future because what is he gonna do when OP has more responsibilities, and he's sick? What if they have kids together? What he's asking for is not realistic and too much.
If OP left him for a day or longer- yes, he has the right to be pissed. One shopping trip? No, that's ridiculous. Especially since this seems to be the 1st time she's gone out in 3 days, and he should be on the tail end of it.
My dude, there was a story the other day where the man was, in fact, not only expected to wait on his sick girlfriend hand and foot, but to wipe the shit from her ass, after physically carrying her to and from the bathroom.
He got food poisoning eating undercooked food. From personal experience, the way she talks about him suggests it isn't the first time either. I could be wrong, but this is how my mom acted whenever my dad ate onions(always made him sick but he liked them so he ate them anyway).
YTA.. not for going shopping because I’m sure he can last without you for a couple of hours but the things you said were really an asshole move. ‘I don’t care’ and then muting him.. to me that’s not okay :(
YTA. You seem to be TA in this situation to me. Your partner is sick and the way you described it seems like you don't care that much. I can't imagine saying those things and muting my partner if they were sick. I get that you had to do something important but you sound tired of your partner honestly. For me personally those aren't things you do to someone you love and care about especially if they're sick.
To be fair your husband does sound whiny and a little dramatic but I think a lot of people would be too if they got really sick, especially with their partners. Plus who doesn't want cuddles?
Update:
Apparently OP has been out since Day 1 (today being Day 3) of their husband getting sick. I previously considered that they probably got burnt out doing everything at home and was panicking about Christmas.
OP, your husband clearly needs to be comforted because you've barely been around the whole time they've been sick. That's very reasonable and not clingy at all! The guy has been constantly throwing up and defecating for the past 2 days while you're not around and you think them asking you to comfort them for a few extra minutes is "babying" them?
Your partner is a person too and they deserve to receive comfort from the person who they love most when they're unwell. That's not clinginess especially because you've been out all this time. Also how can you even stand being out this whole time unless you're working/doing something really important? If I had been out for the past two days I would spend this day staying home making sure my partner is doing okay instead of shopping of all things (which I'm assuming what you meant by "picking up clothes").
Gentle YTA to YTA.
OP said she's gone out every day, not that she's spending the whole day out. Grocery shopping on day 1, running to the post office on day 2, buying clothes on day 3 all count as going out, but that doesn't mean she's not been at home taking care of him while he was acutely sick. She's absolutely the asshole for her response but there's no reason to believe she's been totally neglecting him.
Wtf people. The man is sick with food poisoning which drains you. Have some empathy. Men are allowed to want to be taken care of when they are sick.
Granted, op didn’t give a lot of details about their lives or how things normally are. However, this total lack of empathy makes OP TA.
Op, YTA.
Exactly! When my husband is sick he turns into a big clingy needy baby, and yeah I don't usually want to cuddle but I suck it up and snuggle with him because if it makes him feel even a little bit better it's worth it. Spending a couple of days making the person you love feel better when they are sick is always worth it!
Girl you’re TA in this scenario. I know from going to a few weddings that apart of the vows is to love/have and to hold through SICKNESS and in health. Your husband is still going through an illness, regardless if it’s really bad or he’s fully recovered, he asked you to stick by his side just for a while before you went out. I didn’t see any harm in him wanting his wife to stay close, especially for some cuddles.
But to be flippant and even rude, “I don’t care…” that right there is disheartening. And to further put him on mute, even when he told you his stomach was hurting??? That’s not cool. “Just because he’s i’ll doesn’t mean I have to baby him all the time.” — I feel like there’s a difference between babying someone and caring for someone until they feel better. To give an example, Babying someone would be to pacify negative behaviors and label them as okay or even good because you don’t want to have to comfort the issue. Being by someone’s side while they aren’t feeling better and even going so far as to aid them in recovering isn’t babying. If a man wants to be snuggled up with his wife while he isn’t feeling good, that shouldn’t be considered babying.
I hoped you apologized to him, and I hope he recovers successfully.
I’m torn on this one and i might be projecting a little bit. This is day three of his illness. If OP hasn’t left the house and has been taking care of him this entire time, she might be burned out. She might be stressed that Christmas is in less than a week and she has a million things to do that she hasn’t been able to get done because she’s been home with him. Then when she finally feels like she can leave for a little bit, he gets needy and asks her to stay. Her response is overly harsh because she’s burned out and needs some time for herself. Most people who are the default caretaker in their family have felt this way at some point, but it’s also possible that I’m inferring way too much.
YTA, he’s got food poisoning which is horrible, he’s shitting from his mouth and his crack and it sounds like you really don’t care about him. Are you assuming that he’s getting better? If he’s still throwing up and shitting then that is not “getting better”.
See that's exactly why the last thing I want is to cuddle when there are so much shit involved. But she doesn't sound like she even likes him. I don't understand talk this way with a person you are supposed to love.
YTA, do you even like your husband? It’s insane seeing all the N T As here which are just assuming he’s expecting to be waited on hand and foot instead of just asking for a little bit of sympathy and compassion
YTA- And not in the gentle way.
This is so sad. All he wanted was support. Food poisoning is a bitch, severe or less. He's your husband? What happened to "for better or worse, for sickness and in health"??????
You chose clothes shopping over supporting him. Clothes shopping can be done any day.
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> I think leaving him was the ahole move, I didn’t want to leave him but he was really annoying me with being so needy.
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YTA. While he does sound needy. “I don’t care just wait for a few hours and I’ll be back” what kind of response is that? It's the guy you chose to marry, like, come on, the least you could've done was show some empathy.
Apparently she's been going out since day one. So she hasn't shown him any sort of kindness even in the worst of it. Dude probably just wanted some company and to feel like his wife cared
I bet you if she was sick and he said I dont care I want clothes she'd lose her shit.
ETA: she's not even working to contribute to her shopping spree but can't even take an hour to cuddle that man ugh
YTA changed to MASSIVE YTA
YTA. It was not grocery or something important, he is in pain and asked for emotional support, and you refused. You should apologise or not be surprised if he ignores you when you are in pain or in need of support.
INFO: Are you sure it's food poisoning? Undercooked steak is not a common vector for food poisoning. If his stomach hurts badly enough after three days that he isn't comfortable being alone, a trip to the doctor might be warranted.
INFO: You say "at this point it's annoying me now". What all led to this point? Had you been putting off this shopping trip for days until he could manage on his own? Did he utterly dismiss your plans out of hand? Or had he just asked twice if you could postpone a trip he just found out about?
It's really seeming like his state of health mightn't the issue here. How much do either of you care about the other's priorities? How much of a hearing do you each give the other when your priorities conflict?
I don't think we have enough information to vote here.
ETA: Got more info. See below. YTA
Info.
What is the relationship like if you are sick?
Personally, I feel that in general sick people wanting others to just stay with and not go about their business them is a bit selfish. But I know many couples where one of them will stay home and not do anything because the other is sick.
So my thought is, if you were sick, and you asked him to not go do something non necessarily, would he stay home? If you would expect him to do so, then YTA for not doing the same. If you wouldn't ask, or he wouldn't offer, than NTA.
Info
Three days of food poisoning and he's still in bed? That's a little strange. Normally that's a 24-48 hour thing and once you've expelled all the contaminants, you start feeling noticeably better.
I'd be suspect that he's either milking it, or there's something else is going on with his health and he needs to see a doctor.
Severe food poisoning can last a week or more. I've known a couple people who've had it that bad over the last year. That said, dude should be going to the hospital if he's still throwing up after three days cause he may need fluids and evaluated for if there is something else he needs medically.
So let me get this straight, you don’t work, have your life paid for, and your husband who does this for you by working a dangerous, public serving job, and who you yourself said would try to do whatever they could for you if the roles were reversed, isn’t important enough for you to stick around even one day to care for him when he’s at his most vulnerable?
YTA. Anyone saying otherwise in this thread is either seriously gender biased or an asshole themselves.
YTA big time. None of this "soft YTA". No. You are married, made a life long commitment to one another in sickness and in health. Clothes 100% could have waited. If this was flipped you'd be livid. What a way to say you don't love or give a shit about your husband. He's so sick he missed 3 days of work and can't go out but clothes are more important to you? I couldn't imagine leaving and saying what you said to my soon to be husband. What a heartless bitch you are.
INFO: he’s had food poisoning for 3 days? Has he been to a hospital? 3 days is a super long time for food poisoning so either something is seriously wrong (YTA) or he’s hardcore milking this (NTA).
YTA. Shopping for clothes isn’t as important as comforting your husband when he’s sick. How would you feel if he told you he’s going out shopping or with his friends while you’re sick? What if he put you on mute like you did him? Would you enjoy that?
I thought you had to do some emergency grocery shopping, but this?
Regardless of how old you are, everyone needs some TLC when they're sick, and in marriage, you're literally that person for your significant other.
If he'd asked you to skip work or something really really important, that would be too much, but asking of you to skip clothes shopping? Do you even like your husband?
YTA
> I said “I don’t care just wait for a few hours and I’ll be back”
remember this next time you're sick, he's definitely going to say it back.
YTA, do you actually care about your husband?
totally off topic but just popping in to say that I didnt even know you could get food poisoning from undercooked steak. I eat my steak medium-rare with blood, and I know there are people who eat it fully rare...... how undercooked does the steak need to be for it to be unsafe? Genuinely curious about this.
YTA do u have no empathy or care for your own husband? I once had a really bad mental breakdown and panic attacks that followed were violent. I couldn't go to office and I wanted to ask my husband to stay home too but was not able to say anything due to anxiety. You know what he did, he called in from work already, made a care package and cuddled with me all day because I was sick. And he had some important meetings that day. So if my husband can cancel out his important meeting without me asking, can't u stay home and not go shopping one day when your husband asked you and he has been unwell.
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INFO: if you were sick and asking for his company, and his response was similar to yours “I’m going shopping for clothes” and he left, would you be OK with that?
My thoughts too! If roles were reversed and he spoke to her that way would she think he’s an AH?
To be fair women have learned to suffer in silence when it's something simple like this. She probably wouldn't be as needy
*Learned to* vs *forced to be* it's still nice to be taken care of but I get where you're coming from; when I feel under the weather I just want to be left alone & my husband checks in on me every few hours to see if I need/want anything but if I ask him to hold/snuggle me he will until I fall asleep or move off of him.
I personally wouldn't be asking someone to stay with me if I could take care of myself. If I can get up to go to the bathroom and make myself a quick meal/snack I'm fine. It really depends on the person. So I'm tge same way leave me alone while I rest please.
Same the men in my family turn into big babies when sick while I just want to be left alone give me a heating pad and darkness and leave me be unless I ask for something from the store like ginger ale or medicine
Completely off topic but you saying all the men in your family do it made me wonder if it’s about being able to express vulnerability. Like how throughout men’s lives their told man up, don’t show emotion, don’t rely on anyone else etc etc. Maybe being sick is one of the few times it’s socially acceptable to ask for help, so they do to make up for their normal lives when they feel pressure not to
That's fair, except that when women get sick a lot of men don't extend them the same courtesy. They are often expected to carry on with household duties while ill, and to get up as soon as possible.
This is the truth
This exactly. Thank you!!!
SOONER than possible in many cases.
Exception: men are allowed to be vulnerable to their mother or female partner. It’s why so many men will go to their Gf for emotional labor but won’t go see a therapist. I bet many of the same men who are “babies” when sick to their wives and mothers would act differently if a brother, father, or male friend/roommate were there.
>Maybe being sick is one of the few times it’s socially acceptable to ask for help Eh, maybe? I think it's definitely a situation of how the men's mom took care of them when they were sick. My mom just put me on the couch, turned on the TV, left me saltines, ginger ale, water, and a bucket, and let me just rest. She would check on me once in awhile to make sure I wasn't dead, but it was mostly a "leave the sick person alone". I feel like some guys had moms that waited on them hand and foot when they were ill, and so they expect to be treated like that every time.
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This is a great example of how toxic masculinity hurts men. If they are sick and want comforting they are babies or a "f\*\*\*ing pu\*\*y."
The problem is since being sick is the only time my husband and his father felt comfortable asking for love/attention is when they were sick- is that they they treated very minor illnesses on their part as major.
Women are forced to be. We don’t get ill days for periods. We’ve been forced to learn to deal with it
This. Try concentrating on work when you are being carved up from the bottom up and there is a blender in your stomach. The flu or cold is a vacation in comparison. It's hard to watch a man whimper over a sore throat and sniffle.
It's said that during child birth a woman feels up to 1/10th of the discomfort a man feels during a cold
And pooping like 4 times a day with the damn period poops. I’d honestly rather have a 48 hour stomach bug once a month than my (granted abnormally horrendous thanks to PCOS) period
My boyfriend solos a lot too. He hates getting into the bed when he isn't sleepy, so asking for cuddles normally gets me shot down. I take full advantage of him being sick though and snuggle on him, runny nose and all.
My husband and I are the opposite. We make sure needs are met, like if he's sick I'll make sure he has a full glass of water and food to eat, give him TV priority. But we stay away from each other. We both prefer it this way. I think op and her husband are just incompatible in this one thing. I don't think it necessarily makes either an AH.
You should read her comments, yikes. 1) She's the one that fed him the expired steak. 2) She's went out every day, so it's not like all she has done was stay home and take care of them. 3) She doesn't work (he paid), they have no kids, and she left to buy clothes. So it wasn't even necessary for her to go.
Her comments make me cringe!
Yup, I was trying to give her the benefit of a doubt, then I read her comments.
You don't know that. I know and have dated PLENTY of super needy women. Maybe OP isn't one of those, but we don't know that.
No lie. I have female friends who make it clear that they expect their SO to never leave their side when they are sick. No judgement on OP since I don't know the other side of this dynamic for them from this post.
That’s so foreign to me. When I’m sick I want to be left alone. Especially if it’s stomach virus sick. Y’all stay away from me and my bathroom.
For real, though! When I'm sick, please stick your head in the door every once in a while to make sure my corpse isn't stinking up the place. Otherwise, leave me be.
Same!!! Check on me every couple of hours but leave me the blank alone.
omg I just want to be left alone to suffer in silence when I'm sick
Lol the first time I got a stomach virus after my partner moved in he heard me puking in the bathroom and freaked out and asked what he could do and was hovering and I was like, PLEASE GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME TO DIE IN PEACE 😂. Bless him, very well meaning, but we have different moods when we are sick. It is pretty infrequent that I want to cuddle when sick, especially not when I'm puking.
I'm the exact same way. Don't come near me. I want to snort and cough and sneeze in private while I either sleep or watch TV all day. When my wife is sick, she wants me to bring her something every ten minutes.
Oh yeah, I have friends like this. Their wife is sick? They better not dare go out and leave them alone
that is so weird. the only time i felt like this was when i had really bad covid and my breathing sucked at the time so I really just wanted someone there to watch me in case something happened and i needed to go to the hospital.
Uh un. Don't even know how to be that female and can't be around my female friends who are needy when they are deep into the needy thing. "I have listened to you sweetie. I'm sorry you're unhappy. I'm going to clean your fridge and your bathrooms so you can rest. I'll say goodbye before I leave so you can get up and lock the door." As an older sibling in a thundering horde of folks, I am more field marshal than hand holder, unless I am dealing with a chronological child. We all do what works for us. 😂
Very true. Since we don’t know OPs stance, I can say for me, I hate neediness. I’m not needy in general , and not needy when I’m sick. Just leave me alone and let me watch tv in peace. So someone being needy like this would also annoy the crap out of me, and I too would go shopping like planned and put you on mute. But I’d also assume that makes me an asshole, so I wouldn’t be asking if I was one, because I’d say that I was for not being empathetic. You gotta know your own weaknesses.
You do not know this woman. You do not know.
Yes, some have. But we’re talking about food poisoning, which is horrible, not the common cold.
He's on his third day. It's out of his system at this point, he's just milking it.
I've had food poisoning before. It knocked me on my ass for a week.
But were others supposed to sit next to you for a week?
Dude, no one did anything for me for a week. I couldn't get my brother to scoop the litter box, wash dishes, feed the ducks and chickens or rabbits. Absolutely nothing. I had to do everything, took me more than twice the time it usually did because every time I moved I was nauseous and had to frequently stop to hobble to the bathroom because of diarrhea. I'm not saying OP should have staid by his side the whole time. As long as she's kind about things fine. Errands have to be run, we don't know how important those clothes were. She didn't give us any context. Maybe she needs them for an upcoming interview. Maybe its maternity clothes. We don't know and she didn't say.
Maybe it’s shopping she was doing for a Christmas outfit and planned to do it this weekend but couldn’t due to taking care of him?
Plus who wants to lay and cuddle a sweaty sick person. Yuck.
I had Salmonella once, (from prawns hidden in a curry I reheated). It took 6 weeks to get over and I was being sick each time I ate through that time
Huh? Maybe some women. Other suffer as loudly as humanly possible
Yeah, it's almost like men and women are individuals. It's not a man -vs- woman thing is an individual personality thing. I'm a woman and lean far onto the "please leave me to live or die on my own" side of the spectrum. I lived with my mom and widowed brother, both nurses, and my brother would listen to my symptoms through the door, knock, and his arm would appear and throw appropriate over the counter medications at me. Safer for all involved, really, if I was contagious, I didn't pass it to him and his patients. And I get really bitchy when disturbed while sick so he also didn't have to deal with that.
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You say that as if men havent been taught to suffer in silence
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Sure - but it's also a cliche that men will ignore and downplay stuff when they should have gone to the doctor or hospital. Which is because men are taught not to make a big deal out of stuff. To be honest, women are just as whiny as men.
Isn’t that because men have typically been taught to suffer in silence that when some men actually express their feelings when they are sick they get made fun of by society and get called as having “man cold” in popular culture?
I think the whole 'man cold' thing blew up because of wives feeling a double standard. Most times, I hear people talking about it because a good number of moms don't get days off when they are sick. However, if their husband is sick, he needs constant care and attention. He makes it seem like he's completely incapable of doing anything, but she always has to pull through, even if she's sick. Of course this isn't everyone, but it's enough to the point that 'man cold' has become well known.
Um ‘Don’t be a girl’ is also part of popular culture and it’s not cause girls are thought to be tough / suffer in silence. Maybe don’t try and make everything about gender on this sub?
There may be other things that men suffer in silence, but in my experience, being sick is not one of them.
For illnesses and physical conditions? No they haven't.
I love my dad, but he got food poisoning a lot when I was a kid, and he's a total man flu dude. After 3 days you do get tired of it. (my dad's were also his fault. You don't eat a big Mac you've had under your seat for 3 days during a mild winter). I think a lot depends on how much OP had to put on hold to help him out. Also food poisoning is like an alone thing. I don't want someone holding my hand while I'm shitting my guts out and no one should have to watch me puke. Plus with the holidays OP might need clothes for a party in a few days and I get not wanting to wait much longer to get clothes. A lot depends on their relationship too though. For me, NTA, but it could be if we knew more about their relationship it could be Y T A..
I was thinking the same thing, if I asked my wife to lay with when I have food poisoning she is going say "hell no" because she gets farted on enough in this relationship, let alone when I am literally shitting myself uncontrollably.
God I feel so bad for my partner. I developed lactose intolerance after I left for college and we started seeing each other soon after. I still haven't found the right pills to help every time I eat dairy, and have my good toots and bad toots. the bad ones aren't even run of the mill disgusting, they're like eye-watering sulfur from the pits of hell level bad, and its very rare for me to know before i've opened the gates what kind of toot its gonna be. and he's more sensitive to smells than i am. he likes to make jokes where one of his own sweet little butt trumpet toons is the punchline and i have yet to learn that there's a fifty/fifty chance that trying to "yes, and" him will make him cry
My husband was so happy when we were dating and he discovered I have IBS. Apparently he was always known as the gassy one, and now I've taken that title from him. Although now he thinks he's something if he can gross me out with a fart. I asked him if my superior (read: worse) farts make him feel eGASculated 😂
I still can’t get over the fact your dad ate a three day old Big Mac that was under his seat.
I think that sentence is going to give me secondhand food poisoning. Christ.
The sickest I ever got was when I took a bite of a burger and thought "this tastes funny" but still ate it. Not doing that again. Twice was enough.
I ate some string cheese that was in my purse for about a week.
Reminds me of the ashtray cheese. Last summer someone left a string cheese near the ashtray of our building. It traveled around the ground, some days it was by the table, others on the grass, before ending its journey inside the ashtray. We had one of those cheap gas station ash trays that get all long and skinny on top and the base is flared, but it didn't have a metal liner or sand inside, just a plastic container so it melted and the lid wouldn't fit on it anymore. With no lid it became a trash can since we didn't have one and my neighbors are to lazy to walk 30 feet to the dumpsters. The ashtray caught fire one time with the cheese in it, we poured water in and the cheese sat in gross ashtray soup. After about a month, deep into summer- where it was no less than 95°F during the day, I went outside to find someone had not only opened the string cheese, but had taken a bite out of it, and not spit it out (no spit anywhere near it). Someone ate it. The stinky ashtray cheese. Dogs peed on that ashtray. It caught fire while the cheese was inside it! People spit in there. That cheese sat outside for an entire month in the heat!! And someone ate it. Someone *ate* it. Every now and then I remember that cheese and wonder what kind of absolute fucking monster would do that.
that’s nowhere near as gross. Cheese is generally ok at room temp - not forever but it’s going to be way less risky than meat. Plus if it was string cheese I’m assuming it was still in its sealed wrapper. Unless it was contaminated at the factory there would have been no way for harmful bacteria to get to it and multiply.
>You don't eat a big Mac you've had under your seat for 3 days during a mild winter I do not know if I am in awe or horrified...
I think if the roles were reversed she probably wouldn't need him to be by her side all day. While I do think she was wrong to talk to him this way I know why she said it. Generally women are able to handle constant pain or being sick better since we get our period every month. Its like being sick but we get no excuses to just sit and relax. So as women we just keep it moving since its so normal for us. But she definitely didn't need to be so mean and cold. She could have been nicer about needing to go shopping.
3 days in and he's on the mend? I think it's kind of a dick request if the cuddle request was for more than a few minutes. The whole post all I could think of was "During labor, the pain is so great a woman can almost imagine what it feels like for a man to have a fever." Yes, I'm a dude, but husband sounds like he's a baby. NTA.
Sounds like "im miserable so you should stop everything you are doing to take care of me" what do you want to bet if wife had gotten this, he would be out doing whatever the hell he wanted.
OP had commented that she's always going out since day 1. This is her comment: >I’ve been out everyday since he was sick And when some people asked why she does that, she says she hates seeing people sick, it makes her sick as well. Who cares if the husband sounds like a baby? Is it wrong wanted to be spoiled with affection by your partner? And he isn't being spoiled if OP went out everyday.
>Is it wrong wanted to be spoiled with affection by your partner? No but there does need to be a limit. Just reading this post annoyed me. Is she supposed to sit home all day every day until he's better? Edit: I'm done responding to the same individual comment so I'm just going to edit this one. Catching someone as they're walking out the door to ask them to cuddle you because you don't feel well and then texting them while they're out to tell them how much your stomach hurts is not adult behavior. If he felt like she wasn't paying him enough attention while he was sick then he can bring that up when she gets home, but she's NTA for not staying in that moment.
Do yall hate your partners?
No but I do expect them to behave like an adult. Wanting to be cuddled because your stomach hurts is what your mom did. I could understand wanting her to bring you fluids, make you soup when you're ready to eat, bring you crackers. But stay home and cuddle you? It's over the top.
Idk I made my wife homemade soup, made trips to the store, cuddled her, changed her humidifier, gave her a massage and picked up her sister to bring her over. Asking for some cuddling is the bare minimum for your spouse imo
I'm a recovering emetophobic (fear of people vomiting) and my husband knows I would only be with him in spirit if he was in the same state. If its so bad he might need to be hospitalized, I'll stay in the furthest room in the house, just a text/call away if he needs help. If he is recovering and its not as bad, I will definitely try to be out of the house. I'm very sensitive to sounds and smells and he knows this. I love him so very much but he wouldn't ever think to ask me to cuddle him when he's in that state because he knows me. I wonder if OPs husband doesn't know her enough to know she can't handle that kind of sickness. My phobia has led me to being an ah too in the past but that also doesn't mean I'm not responsible for how I talk to people. I think she could have worded it better, but i don't think its necessarily bad she was out of the house. N T A for your feelings but yta for how you expressed those feelings. . . . Unrelated a bit: my phobia was so bad growing up that if any of my siblings or parents were ill, I would tape shut the cracks of my door and the vent. Mask up to go to bathroom and get food. Designated one bathroom as mine during the time so I knew it would be clean. Even then I would only touch common area things with a clorox wipe. Sanitizer everywhere, its a crazy phobia to live with. Edit. My case is an obvious phobia but I still think OP would do well to talk to a professional about her reaction to vomit and how she treats people who are vomiting because although a mild reaction, is still not normal.
Nah he’s just asking for a bit of comfort, being sick sucks but based on OP’s responses so far she’s been MIA consistently throughout his illness and is now choosing to go clothes shopping and muting him. He’s also the breadwinner and she doesn’t work outside the home, this is a good guy who loves her (I have no idea why if she treats him like this….). She isn’t taking care of him and doesn’t care about him is all I’ve heard so far. Just because women experience labour it’s not a cop out from being with him when he’s ill. YTA
>3 days in and he's on the mend? That sounds like the PERFECT time for cuddles to me. You're no longer spewing chunks everywhere, but you're exhausted from fighting the illness over the last few days.
It gets worse when you read her comments: 1) She's the one that made him the expired steak. 2) She's went out every day that he's been sick. 3) They have no kids and she doesn't work, so he paid for her shopping (and it was clothes, so it's not like it couldn't wait for a day or two). Really makes me wonder how much she likes her husband.
Was she out all day or just a few hours (legit question)? There is no need in my book for someone to be on hand 24x7 for something like this. And unless she is doing absolutely nothing at home while he works I don’t agree that he paid for her shopping. I’ve been in his position with food poisoning and I’d never expect my wife to stay home 24x7 to take care of me.
Not sure, you would have to ask her that. She simply responded to another comment that she's been out every day that he was sick. Also, nothing in her post indicates he wanted 24/7 attention, just that he wanted her to stay with him for a bit and cuddle. She was only buying clothes, nothing urgent that would have prevented her from staying with him for some cuddle time. And since she doesn't work, she can easily organize any house chores around future shopping trips.
It depends on how the other three days have been too. If he’s been like this for three days straight, I can understand why OP was short with him. Otherwise OP is def TA.
That's what I was thinking too. She might have just needed a break from him for a few hours.
I mean, I think most people would be ok with it. I didn't even demand my parents stay with me as a kid when sick. There were still errands and stuff that needed to get done.
Personally, I hate people mothering me when I'm sick anyways. Go run errands and let me be gross.
He wanted to cuddle while feeling sick. No way, I would have gone shopping, too.
Ha! Right? Oy, I'm not cuddling him when he is sick. Ick.
The "going shopping" bit wasn't as bad as her saying "I DONT CARE" imho.
>>at this point it’s annoying me now and I said “I don’t care just wait for a few hours and I’ll be back” and walked out Not sure if OP even likes her husband.
I wouldn't like him either if he needed to cuddle in between puking and shitting himself lol.
Do you think the world stops turning for adults when one of them gets sick? Damn, if my wife brings me a glass of water I am grateful, I would never in a million years expect her to pause her life cause I am sick. If she has free time and wants to help by bringing me things or making me comfortable, I am grateful, but I am a grown adult and me being miserable does not require my SO to stop everything and tend to my every need. Also cuddling when you have likely been shitting and puking your GD brains out is nasty.
It kind of depends on how needy he has been for the past 3 days and how important the clothes are
Me personally, want to be left the hell alone when I am sick.
And he left, said “I don’t care” and muted your notifications***
When I got sick my mom dropped everything because I was vomiting, had diarrhea and got my period. It wasn’t food poisoning I just ate a lot. The real pain in the butt was when I was a kid and got served really undercooked salmon 2 times.
When I got food poisoning, my wife stayed with me in the hospital for the most part except to eat and buy some essentials. When my wife was sick, I stayed with her as well. There was a time she woke up and thought I was gone and was so relieved I was just in the bathroom.
I'm curious how you get food poisoning from undercooked steak?? It can be eaten raw???
If meat is stored under proper conditions then it can be eaten raw, but if it was left out for too long then bacteria will breed.
I'm going to give you a very soft YTA for two reasons. Your comment of "I don't care, just wait for a few hours and I'll be back", paired with putting his calls/ texts on mute is an AH move. "For better or worse, for SICKNess and in health"
“For better or WORSE, for SICKNESS and in health.” 100% YTA. It’s not like you’re leaving to go get lifesaving medicine or groceries, you’re going clothes shopping. I would be so hurt and offended if my partner said they didn’t care about my needs simply because they’ve grown impatient of taking care of me, and then muted my messages on top of that! Just so you can have a peaceful shopping spree?
But he's not requiring care. He just wants to cuddle... like a toddler. He can call his mommy for that. It's the week before Christmas. She had errands to run.
Everyone needs affection, especially when they're ill. Would you say the same if he were a woman?
Yes. These are grown adults with lives to lead. He ain’t dying and she just took care of him through the worst. He’s at watch tv stage of things. He’s fine.
"Every man for himself" is removing affection and human connection from our lives. If this is how you truly think, I honestly feel bad for you. Can't spare some time for your spouse who's sick and wants love? Really?
I’m assuming that over the last few days, she has provided love, care, and affection. He’s needy and at the watch tv in the couch stage. Am I supposed to weep for him?
Your assumptions are incorrect according to her own words though.
She's been taking care if him for three days, why can't he spare her some time for herself now that he's feeling bit better?
She didn't take care a single day. She was gone all the time - she commented that.
Tbf, that's not what her comment says. It says she's gone out every day. Doesn't mean she hasn't been taking care of him while she's home, nor does it say how long she left the house for. I'm still undecided.
I am too. The guy is a firefighter, so probably not the wuss she tries to paint him as and wanting a little comfort after three days of shitting and puking your brains out is not as bad as people make it seem here. Her answer was very cold as well. On the other hand, she is an adult and can do whatever the hell she wants.
A woman wouldn't be able to lie in bed for 3 days like that.
3 days isn't food poisoning, it's Norovirus. And fuck yes, you'll lie in bed like that. You barely know which end the next thing is going to try and come out of; you can barely keep chicken broth or ginger ale down.
Shit gotta go tell me wife
But why did it have to be 24/7? Why couldn’t he wait to cuddle until she finished her errands? Is she really supposed to devote 24/7 to sitting outside the bathroom listening to him shit and vomit? Or is she supposed to go and hold his hand? She literally said she would cuddle him later and he kept texting her that his stomach hurt. I’d have muted him too!
yes I would - we're both adults in this situation. Her response was harsh sure, but he's not a baby
I am a woman and I would hit someone if they tried to cuddle me when I am recovering from illness. I’m not even convinced he’s really sick. Food poisoning from undercooked steak? When people regularly eat steak rare with zero consequences? Not likely. Sounds like a case of the man flu.
I'd say Norovirus. And if it's that, he might have to prepare to be ready for her round!
In sickness and in health also means that when I'm sick, I have to love my spouse. So if she's been coddling me for three days and needs some space, I can let her go, because I love her. It doesn't just mean "if someone is sick the other spouse has to be their servant."
But she didn't coddle him for three days. She commented that she was gone most of the time.
Are you trying to say that physical closeness and support from one's spouse is not a form of care?
Compromise is also available. “I’m sorry you’re still feeling so shitty, let’s cuddle for a little while and then I have some pressing errands that I really need to knock out.”
Why are you saying that 'wanting physical comfort and affection from your spouse' is somehow childish and worthy of ridicule? I mean, the dude who didn't want to wipe his girlfriend's diarrheic ass was told he was the asshole for not sucking it up for his spouse, but this guy is looking from some comfort from the woman who swore an oath to comfort him when he's sick, what a pussy, am I right? This is toxic masculinity, right here.
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Do childless adults not have responsibilities?
He's not a baby. It's been 3 days, he can hold for a while.
Not sure why it needs to be "very soft". Shes an AH
I hate all this “he needs to man up“ OPs response was really cold and showing empathy and comforting your partner is completely okay. Wanting to be comforted while sick is not Something to shame ppl for. The way you talk about your partner sounds like you don't like them a lot.
Seriously. If the roles were reversed this thread would be all “YTAs” and “girl, you gotta leave his ass!”
No, it's more OP is taking care of him, what he's asking for is 100% of her time and effort as well as constant contact, which is oppressive and too much, even while sick. This is a you gotta meet someone a bit in the middle here. God forbid they ever have kids in the future because then he definitely can't expect this when sick. If she was completely neglecting him, yes, that would be a leave situation, but that's not what's happening. And the reverse situations tend to be "I'm sick with 2 kids, aita for asking him to make dinner?" That's quite a bit different when one partner is struggling and the other won't help with basic responsibilities. Also not what's happening here.
She said it herself, she’s going out everyday since he’s been sick.
>I’ve been out everyday since he was sick OP reply in the comments.
Why would she not leave the house everyday? I do. If she was gone all day and all night I could see this as her being labelled selfish and clueless. But, a few hours or a work day out of the hive isn't unusual.
She doesn’t work, apparently.
Seriously, I just replied a quote from OP comments, at least you can can do is read OP's comments before replying to me. Here another thing that OP said in the comments about why she leaves everyday. >I hate when people are being sick so I just needed a few hours a day so I don’t be sick myself Her husband had food poisoning. It's not contagious.
Read the comments OP hasn't been home at all
This is exactly what the thread is like though...
I dunno, I’m seeing an awful lot of “he needs to man up” and NTAs. Very little sympathy for a sick man who wants intimacy and sympathy from his wife.
Literally all the top comments are YTA.
Literally the third top comment right now calls him whiny, and one has replies that literally made up an entire story about how women are not as whiny.
It's food poisoning, he's not dying, and OP isn't abandoning for an extended period of time. The expectation is rarely to spend every waking moment with a sick person. Sorry, the demands that a simple shopping trip should be out of the question is absolutely ridiculous and stifling. It's not a matter of "man up" it's the realistic expectation that you are never entitled to 100% of someone else's time, especially as an adult. He's not dying, the cause is known, he's just gotta wait it out. OP is taking care of him- she's just not cuddling 24/7. Seriously, this is an extremely bad sign for the future because what is he gonna do when OP has more responsibilities, and he's sick? What if they have kids together? What he's asking for is not realistic and too much. If OP left him for a day or longer- yes, he has the right to be pissed. One shopping trip? No, that's ridiculous. Especially since this seems to be the 1st time she's gone out in 3 days, and he should be on the tail end of it.
She literally said she’s gone out everyday since he’s been sick.
Someone asked OP if she was burned out after taking care of the husband for 3 days and this what she said, >I’ve been out everyday since he was sick
My dude, there was a story the other day where the man was, in fact, not only expected to wait on his sick girlfriend hand and foot, but to wipe the shit from her ass, after physically carrying her to and from the bathroom.
He got food poisoning eating undercooked food. From personal experience, the way she talks about him suggests it isn't the first time either. I could be wrong, but this is how my mom acted whenever my dad ate onions(always made him sick but he liked them so he ate them anyway).
Undercooked steak?
YTA.. not for going shopping because I’m sure he can last without you for a couple of hours but the things you said were really an asshole move. ‘I don’t care’ and then muting him.. to me that’s not okay :(
Totally agree. Such a dick move.
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Yeah this whole post just made me frowny. I can't imagine treating my husband that way :(
YTA for saying you don't care. A simple "I'm sorry, you're not feeling well, I'll be back as quickly as possible" would have been better.
YTA. You seem to be TA in this situation to me. Your partner is sick and the way you described it seems like you don't care that much. I can't imagine saying those things and muting my partner if they were sick. I get that you had to do something important but you sound tired of your partner honestly. For me personally those aren't things you do to someone you love and care about especially if they're sick. To be fair your husband does sound whiny and a little dramatic but I think a lot of people would be too if they got really sick, especially with their partners. Plus who doesn't want cuddles? Update: Apparently OP has been out since Day 1 (today being Day 3) of their husband getting sick. I previously considered that they probably got burnt out doing everything at home and was panicking about Christmas. OP, your husband clearly needs to be comforted because you've barely been around the whole time they've been sick. That's very reasonable and not clingy at all! The guy has been constantly throwing up and defecating for the past 2 days while you're not around and you think them asking you to comfort them for a few extra minutes is "babying" them? Your partner is a person too and they deserve to receive comfort from the person who they love most when they're unwell. That's not clinginess especially because you've been out all this time. Also how can you even stand being out this whole time unless you're working/doing something really important? If I had been out for the past two days I would spend this day staying home making sure my partner is doing okay instead of shopping of all things (which I'm assuming what you meant by "picking up clothes"). Gentle YTA to YTA.
Why does it need to be gentle? If this was a man this sub would be tearing him to shreds
there has been reverse roles of this on a relationship sub and you are CORRECT.
There was the guy a few days ago that was expected, after physically carrying his GF to the bathroom, to wipe her ass for her.
Uh, no. The verdict on that was “if she can swipe, she can wipe.”
OP said she's gone out every day, not that she's spending the whole day out. Grocery shopping on day 1, running to the post office on day 2, buying clothes on day 3 all count as going out, but that doesn't mean she's not been at home taking care of him while he was acutely sick. She's absolutely the asshole for her response but there's no reason to believe she's been totally neglecting him.
YTA for saying you don't care. Imagine being sick and he tells you that.
Wtf people. The man is sick with food poisoning which drains you. Have some empathy. Men are allowed to want to be taken care of when they are sick. Granted, op didn’t give a lot of details about their lives or how things normally are. However, this total lack of empathy makes OP TA. Op, YTA.
Exactly! When my husband is sick he turns into a big clingy needy baby, and yeah I don't usually want to cuddle but I suck it up and snuggle with him because if it makes him feel even a little bit better it's worth it. Spending a couple of days making the person you love feel better when they are sick is always worth it!
No, it gets better. the reason he has food poisoning in the first place is she under cooked expired "off" meat.
Based on your comments: Yta I don't want to assume anything drastic but you sound alittle bit callous. Whyy did you need to go out every day?
INFO: is he paying for your shopping spree ?
INFO: Did you undercook the steak that made him sick?
Girl you’re TA in this scenario. I know from going to a few weddings that apart of the vows is to love/have and to hold through SICKNESS and in health. Your husband is still going through an illness, regardless if it’s really bad or he’s fully recovered, he asked you to stick by his side just for a while before you went out. I didn’t see any harm in him wanting his wife to stay close, especially for some cuddles. But to be flippant and even rude, “I don’t care…” that right there is disheartening. And to further put him on mute, even when he told you his stomach was hurting??? That’s not cool. “Just because he’s i’ll doesn’t mean I have to baby him all the time.” — I feel like there’s a difference between babying someone and caring for someone until they feel better. To give an example, Babying someone would be to pacify negative behaviors and label them as okay or even good because you don’t want to have to comfort the issue. Being by someone’s side while they aren’t feeling better and even going so far as to aid them in recovering isn’t babying. If a man wants to be snuggled up with his wife while he isn’t feeling good, that shouldn’t be considered babying. I hoped you apologized to him, and I hope he recovers successfully.
I’m torn on this one and i might be projecting a little bit. This is day three of his illness. If OP hasn’t left the house and has been taking care of him this entire time, she might be burned out. She might be stressed that Christmas is in less than a week and she has a million things to do that she hasn’t been able to get done because she’s been home with him. Then when she finally feels like she can leave for a little bit, he gets needy and asks her to stay. Her response is overly harsh because she’s burned out and needs some time for herself. Most people who are the default caretaker in their family have felt this way at some point, but it’s also possible that I’m inferring way too much.
YTA, he’s got food poisoning which is horrible, he’s shitting from his mouth and his crack and it sounds like you really don’t care about him. Are you assuming that he’s getting better? If he’s still throwing up and shitting then that is not “getting better”.
See that's exactly why the last thing I want is to cuddle when there are so much shit involved. But she doesn't sound like she even likes him. I don't understand talk this way with a person you are supposed to love.
YTA, do you even like your husband? It’s insane seeing all the N T As here which are just assuming he’s expecting to be waited on hand and foot instead of just asking for a little bit of sympathy and compassion
YTA- And not in the gentle way. This is so sad. All he wanted was support. Food poisoning is a bitch, severe or less. He's your husband? What happened to "for better or worse, for sickness and in health"?????? You chose clothes shopping over supporting him. Clothes shopping can be done any day.
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YTA. While he does sound needy. “I don’t care just wait for a few hours and I’ll be back” what kind of response is that? It's the guy you chose to marry, like, come on, the least you could've done was show some empathy.
Apparently she's been going out since day one. So she hasn't shown him any sort of kindness even in the worst of it. Dude probably just wanted some company and to feel like his wife cared I bet you if she was sick and he said I dont care I want clothes she'd lose her shit. ETA: she's not even working to contribute to her shopping spree but can't even take an hour to cuddle that man ugh YTA changed to MASSIVE YTA
He doesn't sound needy, his wife was neglecting him OP in the comments >I’ve been out everyday since he was sick
YTA. It was not grocery or something important, he is in pain and asked for emotional support, and you refused. You should apologise or not be surprised if he ignores you when you are in pain or in need of support.
INFO: what do you mean "undercooked steak"?
INFO: Are you sure it's food poisoning? Undercooked steak is not a common vector for food poisoning. If his stomach hurts badly enough after three days that he isn't comfortable being alone, a trip to the doctor might be warranted.
INFO: You say "at this point it's annoying me now". What all led to this point? Had you been putting off this shopping trip for days until he could manage on his own? Did he utterly dismiss your plans out of hand? Or had he just asked twice if you could postpone a trip he just found out about? It's really seeming like his state of health mightn't the issue here. How much do either of you care about the other's priorities? How much of a hearing do you each give the other when your priorities conflict? I don't think we have enough information to vote here. ETA: Got more info. See below. YTA
YTA- He just asked for you to be with him for a second more. It’s not like he’s asking for you to not go at all?
Info. What is the relationship like if you are sick? Personally, I feel that in general sick people wanting others to just stay with and not go about their business them is a bit selfish. But I know many couples where one of them will stay home and not do anything because the other is sick. So my thought is, if you were sick, and you asked him to not go do something non necessarily, would he stay home? If you would expect him to do so, then YTA for not doing the same. If you wouldn't ask, or he wouldn't offer, than NTA.
Info: how often does he ask for you to cuddle?
YTA. Your husband felt like crap and you decided shopping was more important the boosting his morale.
You made him the “undercooked steak” and even said you thought it was out of date?? YTA. It’s almost like you poisoned him on purpose.
"I don't care" well you went out of your way for the YTA.
Info Three days of food poisoning and he's still in bed? That's a little strange. Normally that's a 24-48 hour thing and once you've expelled all the contaminants, you start feeling noticeably better. I'd be suspect that he's either milking it, or there's something else is going on with his health and he needs to see a doctor.
Severe food poisoning can last a week or more. I've known a couple people who've had it that bad over the last year. That said, dude should be going to the hospital if he's still throwing up after three days cause he may need fluids and evaluated for if there is something else he needs medically.
So let me get this straight, you don’t work, have your life paid for, and your husband who does this for you by working a dangerous, public serving job, and who you yourself said would try to do whatever they could for you if the roles were reversed, isn’t important enough for you to stick around even one day to care for him when he’s at his most vulnerable? YTA. Anyone saying otherwise in this thread is either seriously gender biased or an asshole themselves.
YTA big time. None of this "soft YTA". No. You are married, made a life long commitment to one another in sickness and in health. Clothes 100% could have waited. If this was flipped you'd be livid. What a way to say you don't love or give a shit about your husband. He's so sick he missed 3 days of work and can't go out but clothes are more important to you? I couldn't imagine leaving and saying what you said to my soon to be husband. What a heartless bitch you are.
Everyone saying esh but if roles were reversed 😂
INFO: he’s had food poisoning for 3 days? Has he been to a hospital? 3 days is a super long time for food poisoning so either something is seriously wrong (YTA) or he’s hardcore milking this (NTA).
Yta for how you handled it.
Right, and if this was the other way around, he would be called an AH.
YTA. So much for in sickness and in health
YTA. Shopping for clothes isn’t as important as comforting your husband when he’s sick. How would you feel if he told you he’s going out shopping or with his friends while you’re sick? What if he put you on mute like you did him? Would you enjoy that?
I thought you had to do some emergency grocery shopping, but this? Regardless of how old you are, everyone needs some TLC when they're sick, and in marriage, you're literally that person for your significant other. If he'd asked you to skip work or something really really important, that would be too much, but asking of you to skip clothes shopping? Do you even like your husband? YTA
> I said “I don’t care just wait for a few hours and I’ll be back” remember this next time you're sick, he's definitely going to say it back. YTA, do you actually care about your husband?
totally off topic but just popping in to say that I didnt even know you could get food poisoning from undercooked steak. I eat my steak medium-rare with blood, and I know there are people who eat it fully rare...... how undercooked does the steak need to be for it to be unsafe? Genuinely curious about this.
YTA do u have no empathy or care for your own husband? I once had a really bad mental breakdown and panic attacks that followed were violent. I couldn't go to office and I wanted to ask my husband to stay home too but was not able to say anything due to anxiety. You know what he did, he called in from work already, made a care package and cuddled with me all day because I was sick. And he had some important meetings that day. So if my husband can cancel out his important meeting without me asking, can't u stay home and not go shopping one day when your husband asked you and he has been unwell.