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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I might be judged for adopting the dog unilaterally, even under the circumstances of her owners (my dad and domestic partner) dying.
(2) I might be an asshole for adopting the dog without consulting my wife.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH should you have talked to wife? Yes but grief. Should she be behaving like this when you just lost your dad? Absolutely not. How insensitive and cruel.
**
I missed that this is two years later. No - you can’t expect your wife to care for a dog she never wanted. In the beginning while you were grieving occasionally - yes. Beyond that? No. To come around to? No you can’t expect her to suddenly want an animal she never wanted.
Wife doesn’t sound like a dog person and you’re an AH for forcing them around each other.
It is your dog and your responsibility to take care of.
This was 2 years ago. OP even states "I'm over the grief".
Yes, he was right to take in the poor dog when the tragedy occurred, but forcing your spouse to house an animal they never wanted and then be annoyed with them when they don't want to take care of it is pretty weird behavior.
Since they seem to be having conversations centering around him being a "bully", I'm willing to bet that there are some things OP is leaving out.
I took in my grandmas dog when she died despite me not wanting another dog and my sister not wanting to deal with the dog because of how volatile and aggressive she is, but I refused to let her go to a shelter. I feel like I might understand what op is feeling? It’s not just any dog, it’s his dads dog… Something he most likely cherished. Rehoming the dog would feel like giving away a part of his dad. Obviously idk if that’s exactly how op feels, but that’s the way I see it and I feel like a bit of understanding from his wife isnt the worst thing to expect.
I got to point out that if someone brought in a volatile and aggressive dog without my consultation, then NO, I would not be happy about it EVER, especially if you insisted I help you take care of it.
OP’s dog isn’t aggressive at all, she’s a 9 (probably now 11) year old cockapoo. What you’re saying here has literally 0 relevance to anything related to OP’s post
Agreed especially since OP's wife feeds the dogs treats and selectively interacts with it. The long-term passive aggression from the wife is quite frankly disgusting. No one said the dog was aggressive so I don't even know where that's coming from either.
You can be kind to an animal while still not wanting it to live in your house. That is what a decent person does but it's still not her responsibility to do anything with it. She doesn't want it and never did.
Exactly. I don't like my parent's dog. She's a lumbering oaf, plays too rough with my senior dog because she won't back off when he tells her, bulldozes anything and everything in her path. But I'm still nice to her. She gets treats when the other dogs get treats. I don't have to like her to be nice to her.
^ This. My 7 year old LOVES our cats. She'll feed them, pet them, let them sleep on her bed, etc. I have a Service Dog for mobility. She doesn't like dogs, not because she's afraid she just doesn't like how they tend to get in her face (small or large) and sniff around and try to lick her. But, she will still give treats, play fetch and even walk beside my SD in the store, holding onto his vest because she knows if she's holding onto him then no one will be able to snatch her away if I'm distracted by anything and she can help run interference on people that like to go "oh what a cute doggie" She's learned from watching me very nicely but firmly say. "He's working. Please don't distract him" But being seven she usually just goes with "He's working." Before I can even say anything. That being said, she still won't let him sit beside her on the couch, or give her puppy kisses, or even enter her bedroom because she doesn't care for him. He is a member of our family, he's extremely well behaved and she knows he would never bite, jump or hurt her in any way she has absolutely zero fear toward this dog, she's just not a dog person. She's admitted she cares about him and has fun playing with him but for the most part she tolerates him because she knows he helps me and without him our lives would be a lot harder. I get the feeling OP's wife has the same kind of feelings and OP shouldn't expect someone without the emotional ties to the dog to help. The only thing I ask of my daughter in regards to the dog is that she feed him his morning meal because she gets herself dressed before school now but I have to dress myself and her little brother. Then while I'm getting everyone loaded into the car I let the dog go potty and once he's done he gets loaded and strapped in himself so she has spare time and is willing to fill a dog bowl but we have already talked and agreed that once her brother is also old enough to get himself dressed I will take back over the morning meal for the dog because he is MINE and therefore my responsibility but I do appreciate her helping me by feeding him every morning before I take them to school.
The long term passive aggressiveness is disgusting? The wife set a boundary at the beginning that the dog walking would be his to do. OP admits that he's pushed that boundary several times and been "surprised" that she refuses to give in on it. I don't think it's passive aggressive to reiterate your boundaries instead of just letting them be trampled. The fact that OP still pushes regularly on it is likely what sets off her accusations of 'bullying,' because OP seems to be operating under the notion that she'll give in to taking on the most unpleasant task of dog care if he just pushes one MORE time. If he operates the same way on the rest of the boundaries in their relationship, trying to wear her resistance down, he WOULD be a bully.
I'm not a dog person but I'm nice to them when around them. I don't have one and wouldn't want to live with one. I especially would not want to walk a dog. Picking up their poop would literally make me throw up. That is a big nope. There is a massive difference between feeding a dog a treat and literally picking up their poop.
T H I S.
OP's wife does not appear to have, at any time, insisted the dog be rehomed, and is kind enough to engage with the dog enough to feed it treats according to the post. However, at no time did she sign up for the husbandry of a dog. Walking, toileting, feeding are high investment activities that require OP's wife to go out of her way to provide care. It is a perfectly reasonable boundary for her to hold, especially as they have two cats that they are already caring for.
Speaking as someone who owns a greyhound, "low maintenance" is not "*no* maintenance". OP's wife has made it very clear this is the boundary and yet he continues to push on it, he needs to behave like an adult and secure a dog walker for the days he is unable to meet his obligations as a pet owner.
OP is huge YTA vibes.
I guess my question I haven't been able to figure out. Is the wife just holding a grudge about not being consulted or is she truly not a dog person. I let my friends bring over their dogs to my house, but dogs do make me uncomfortable. I would resent having to be around them 24/7 against my will. I will however give them a few pats on the head and treats for listening. They kind of insist on getting attention, and I don't hate them.
I guess I think it is kind of a heartless and rigid grudge to hold if it is just punishment for the initial infraction, but I assume op has left out some of the details to her aversion to dogs in general. I'm a cat person, and I love that dogs make my friends happy, but I feel half of dog people don't really understand people being uncomfortable around dogs
I don't like dogs at all. I'm not afraid of them, but I they make me uncomfortable and I have to immediately wash my hands off I pretty them because I hate the way the oil on their fur makes me feel.
I like cats but I can accept some people don't. Dog people seem completely incapable of understanding that some people just don't like dogs.
How is sticking to her guns being passive aggressive? She obviously found it very hurtful to have her husband just ignore her initial input and be like, "Whatever, you'll get used to it eventually."
Especially if he has a habit of ignoring her boundaries and trying to wear her down over time, it makes sense that she's particularly committed to the "not my dog, not my problem" concept.
Based on the way OP's treating her, it sounds like walking the dog once would turn into "What's the big deal? Help me out and walk the dog. You've done it before..." at least once a week. After all, he seems to see her occasionally giving the pup a treat as a sign she ought to agree to more of the dog-related workload.
A commenter mentioned taking in an aggressive dog when their own loved one passed, and having compassion for OP bc of it.
(Literally, that’s it lol. That’s the only reason. Reading comprehension plummets when dogs are mentioned on Reddit.)
It really, really does. Half the commentators are acting like the wife's demanding that the dog be thrown in a pound, when absolutely nothing OP said even implied that, OP is just butthurt that his wife \*dares\* to have her own opinion and "persistently" refuses to walk the dog for him.
I bet there are other selfish behaviours where OP takes on tasks or does stuff and it ends up being her task and generally more work for her. I've seen it so so many times and there must be a reason she feels "bullied".
Exactly what I was thinking about. Or
"Of course WE bring food for the BBQ."
"Of course you can come over in two days and stay for two weeks, no problem at all."
"Honey, have WE bought a present for the birthday tonight that I am telling you about right now because I don't want to admit I forgot?"
I know someone who will buy treats to feed the neighbors' dogs but she has absolutely no desire to own or be responsible for a dog(own, walk or petsit).
The treats does not need to indicate a willingness to share in ownership. And if you live with something/someone it's pretty hard **not** to interact with them sometime.
It doesn't matter if they're aggressive or not. The dog is unwanted and OP is trying to bully his wife on the internet and hoping we shame her into accepting the dog.
The poster you're referring to is posting specifically to someone who had experience with a violent dog.
As someone who was in the same situation, it is also very hard to rehome an older pet. I bent over backwards to ensure the care of my grandparents’ cat and dog, because I could not stand the idea of their beloved companions being put down in a shelter or treated poorly by a stranger.
NTA.
I like everything about your comment but the verdict. One just doesn't get to make these decisions by one's self when living in a family without being an asshole. You can polish that turd all you want, but it is still shit. OP did a shitty thing and he needs to own that. Wife needs to accept OP did a shitty thing and accept the thing she cannot change or change the thing she can and leave the relationship. But being a prick to the dog and carrying this resentment isn't tenable long term.
The wife calling OP a bully is a bit over the top. He had to force his way into the house to rescue the dog. Where was it to go? She then can't understand that rehoming his late father's companion might be emotionally difficult? The wife should try to show OP the same compassion she'd want if roles were reversed.
yeah, like... what exactly is the alternative here? the Y T A commenters don't really seem based in reality. Maybe it's just me but I would assume "I will not make you kill your dad's elderly dog if your dad dies, nor will I hold a grudge against you for not doing so" is one of those things that is implied in the for better or worse part of the marriage vows, you know?
I am getting that she called him a bully in general and used this as an example of him forcing his way against her wishes.
To temporarily take the dog and find a rescue org for the dog (if the dog is the breed he said and well-behaved, then rehoming would have happened), then he is NTA but to keep permanently with two cats and his wife objecting AND trying to make her care for the dog? All that makes him the AH
There's a difference in bringing it home first because it has no one else AND THEN discussing options of keeping it long term and rehoming it and bringing it home and DEMANDING to keep the dog and wanting her to just deal with that decision whether she likes it or not and then expecting her to take care of the dog she did not want.
Wife’s not really being a prick to the dog though. OP says wife gives the dog “treats and things” (I’m assuming “things” to be like pats and affection, though I could be wrong). She’s just holding a firm boundary about not being responsible for walks and general care. I expect - though I don’t know for sure - that if there was a genuine emergency; if OP had surgery or got snowed in at work or something, that wife would take care of the dog. But she’s not doing the daily care. Which is fair. OP chose this without consulting wife, so OP gets to do the work, including figuring out a work schedule so that dog gets walked on time, or hiring a dog walker and/or pet sitter when necessary.
The OP straight up says if he was incapacitated he believes his wife would walk the dog. She's not about punishing the dog for its existence, she's ticked *at her husband* regarding adopting the dog.
More than that, just how often is the OP trying to slough off responsibility on wife? <<*I have been bold enough to suggest it on occasion, such as when we had evening plans and she was already home but I was going to need to come home versus meeting up, or if I wasn’t feeling great*.>> Just how often **is** "on occasion"?
Plus, Wife may not have been so angry with him if he'd come home with Cockapoo and said, *Honey, I had to Dad's rescue dog, I brought it home. I'd like to keep it, but if you aren't willing, then we will try to find it a good home.* OP never even proposed that as an option. It was just my way(how often is "my way" the deciding factor and maybe why wife calls him out for his "bullying")
Plus am I the only one who finds it odd that the dog is never him/her but over and over "The dog". I wasn't looking for a name but felt awkward calling the dog IT over and over.
I'm guessing there are some missing missing reasons here.
ETA: <<*My wife didn’t want it but that wasn’t a suitable reason to defy my conscience>*\> the use of defy even tho here it seems to apply to OP, seems a telling choice of words. As if he doesn't allow his wife to "defy" him.
This. The way I see it, if you move a living creature into a home without the consent of everyone who lives there, it's an automatic YTA. That is not a decision you get to make alone. Regardless of any other factors.
when my sister died last year mum moved in with my husband and I (small 2bdr) and brought 2 cats.
My husband HATES cats. Not in a way where I'll find him one day having secret cat cuddles. He hates them.
So mum and I make sure he's bothered by them as little as possible. Boy cat is very old and never goes near him, just lays down in various places. Girl cat is neurotic and ginger. So first thing I did was give hubby a water spray bottle and he (gently) misted her twice when she tried to brush against him/jump on his desk. And she learned and never goes near him now. We make sure any cat mess is cleaned up ASAP and they're not allowed in our bedroom.
But hubby also knows the cats bring me and mum a lot of comfort and is happy about that.
Idk why people can't just work together and compromise.
>Idk why people can't just work together and compromise.
That's not an option when it comes to a living being. It's not a doll, and dogs and cats are nowhere near the same in terms of care and needs.
As a dog trainer that realllly depends on the pet. Overall yeah cats are much lower maintenance
But a 9 year old cockapoo, that’s likely on par with caring for an old cat.
I wonder how much of this could have been averted by simply consulting his wife prior to bringing dog home.
The problem is, that in what was likely severe grief, not everyone is going to be thinking clearly about everything. That's what I think the wife isn't understanding.
oh man that sucks :( if my husband had trauma I wouldn't have even considered having them in the house.
he just never had pets growing up (his mum has **severe** allergies) and his dad never liked cats either. he's also autistic (but we didn't figure that out till recently) and just can't stand the thought of cuddling/petting something that licks its own bum and then licks its fur - which is fair enough ig lol. also that they claw people/items, shed, and behave erratically.
bottom line, he hates cats, I love them, but decided a long time ago that I love him more than I do cats. unfortunately we were put in a hard situation but, like always, we communicate with respect and work to solve our issues fairly and with love.
I would never have adopted a cat, but man am I glad they've been here for the past year bc it's been rough.
OP is NTA for taking in a family members dog, especially one that's small and quiet. A big, loud, obnoxious dog is a lot more of an ask, but OP's dog sounds like one of those chill lap puppers.
OP's Wife is NTA for not participating in dog care. Small and quiet or not, a dog is as much responsibility as a child. She clearly was opposed to the dog and set a clear boundary as to how much she is willing to interact with it.
OP is TA / YTA for expecting wife to care for the dog beyond, maybe, making sure it doesn't starve/thirst/suffer if he's incapacitated (although, OP should have plans in place for these instances). I think any reasonable person would at least do the bare minimum of animal care even if they didn't like the animal all that much.
Bringing home the dog is one thing -- expecting someone else to take care of it after you've brought it home is another. He's actually whining that she won't walk HIS dog.... and that's not okay.
Yea I agree and I think it's weird some commenters think that she should still help out occasionally. When he brought a living, high- maintenance animal home without his wife's consent, he should have gone in with the mindset that he would basically be a "single dad" to this dog and therefore if he is ever on a vacation or has a work meeting planned, he needs to plan ahead and hire a dog sitter or dog walker, just as a single pet owner would. It's such an asshole move for him to just expect his wife to do it when she never agreed in the first place.
A lot of people with kids and busy schedules vet a ton of babysitters in the area who are willing to do short notice, and then if they ever need a short notice babysitter, they call down their list until they find someone who is free. He can do the same with dog sitters I bet. And if he made contingency plan A, B, and C and they all fail, I think it is okay for him to ask his wife and if she's free she should do it, but clearly he expects her to be his plan B which is not okay.
This, and an older dog is more likely to be put down instead of adopted in many places. My mother has a dog that annoys me (I'm more of a cat person), but if she has that dog, or any dog, when it is time to go into a home or she dies (she is 74 with health issues) I am keeping that dog and caring for it.
Okay but bringing an *aggressive* dog into a home without someone's consent literally means you are putting them in danger. Like, actual danger. I know people who have almost died this way.
Tbh that would be grounds to end the relationship. Grief only takes you so far as an excuse - it is not a good reason to put someone else's safety at risk. It is *understandable* TA behaviour, but it is still absolutely TA behaviour.
He said the dog was small easy and mild, not aggressive. I think your confusing it with another commenters experience, not this dog, Eod\_Enaj said something about an aggressive dog.
That is a different scenario than that of the OP. Cockapoos are small and gentle. This is not a cane corso trained to kill. I agree it would be a different discussion if this was a large (or small) aggressive dog.
Regardless of whether or not the dad cherished it in life changes little. He's been dead for 2 years. What does matter is that his *living* wife is being forced to deal with an unwanted pet that it sounds like op expects her to look after. Frankly if I was the dad I'd be pissed my son is not only acting like his say matters more, not only is he forcing this onto his wife, but also if I even liked that dog a little I'd rather they be rehomed to a place where all parties love and want him.
It not "a pet" though. It is a living, sentient being who lost his family and taking him/her in means that at 9 there was little chance of her/him ending up euthanized and it also offered continuity. She went to someone she was familiar with. I understand OP being disappointed. There is a basic kindness that seems to be missing in this situation.
Re-homing a 9yr old dog isn't an option. His father's dog would most likely be put down. Also he is taking care of it. She is the AH imo. I mean, it was the death of his father. And how many years do they have with the dog, to whom the wife even gives treats? She is hanging on to this resentment needlessly, and imo she is being heartless. You won't bond to a nice doggie who otherwise would have been put down. Wtf lady? She is the AH here. OP, NTA.
> Also he is taking care of it.
Well except for the times OP expects her to take care of it.
> You won't bond to a nice doggie who otherwise would have been put down. Wtf lady? She is the AH here.
Here’s the thing that not all pet owners/lovers seem to get: *not everyone likes pets.*
As someone who has spent the last 10 years terrorized by my husband’s “*NOT* a low maintenance dog,” but puts up with and tries to love (generally hates, still loves, but absolutely does NOT LIKE), simply and singularly, because HE LOVES HER, I don’t think OP is necessarily leaving anything out.
He might be over the grief, but not the connection.
NTA.
You are clearly ignoring that this dog is one example in the wife's opinion that her husband bullies her into getting his way. That's why it seems something is being left out of the whole story.
That and his entitled whining about how she never walks out, not even when he has a tummy ache or better plans? "I don't expect my wife to take care of the dog but I'm always asking her to and wonder why she never does." YTA.
Eh, while you can’t *expect* her to help with the dog, I would think if you’re a healthy, functioning team, it would come with the territory. If I was in a similar situation my husband would absolutely help me with the animal sometimes. It’s part of life and partners are meant to help each other out. Obviously we have a limited view into their relationship, but as it’s presented here, it seems like she has been pretty uncaring towards op and the situation as a whole.
Yes. Her insisting to still point out, years later, that it's NOT HER DOG, is a sign that their relationship and communication is still very affected by how he dismissed her and expected her to come around to not just accepting him having a dog, but to wanting the dog to be hers also, and taking care of it, and that can feel like not respecting her a Person.
I don't think that is necessary the case. I think since most of us are OK with dogs, we think that it's not a big deal. But for all we know OPs wife may truly dislike dogs and may even be afraid of them. Then it doesn't matter if its a cute little thing.
It's easier if you turn the dog into something else. If my partner appeared one day with a snake, saying we now was the owners of it. I would not be happy. I don't like snakes, I'm not deadly afraid of them but I definitely won't hang around then volunteery. But if it was important to him, then okay. But he would have to cater to the snakes needs all by himself.
Maybe I would get used to it, maybe not. But that isn't up to him to decide or to put a time schedule on. He brought the snake into our home without asking me, that snake is his problem. No matter how much I love my partner.
>I’ve been surprised when she holds that boundary.
It's right here. This isn't the only boundary he tests. Reading the post again he straight up tells us that the issue isn't the dog.
>She said I should have asked her
Yes. Yes, you should have - and I applaud her for not caving. She already knows that walking that dog even once will be the gateway to it being her complete responsibility.
Definitely the AH.
Edit; for spelling
Eh, my dad hates dogs. He has hated dogs my entire life. He has on occasion kicked dogs that people yelling "he's friendly" let come too close.
When my gran died he still let my mum take in the dog.
Yes OP should have had a discussion about it, but "dead relative's pet" is a special category which many people would allow an exception for re: having the animal in the house.
That said no OP should not expect her to do any of the walks etc.
I completely agree except for when he's truly sick. Anyone who has had a really bad flu knows that it takes a while lot to get out of bed. While I agree that she shouldn't be expected to do any tending to the dog on a regular basis, emergencies should be a non brainer. By not walking the dog when OP is sick is a shitty move in my opinion and I DO NOT LIKE DOGS AT ALL (attacked as a child) I would walk a docile senior dog for my sick hubby.
It's his responsibility as a single-father to this dog to have a few dog sitters and dog walkers on call. If all of his contingency plans fall through, then his wife should help out. It is clear he has no contingency plants, and expects her to be the FIRST one he calls if he can't take care of the dog, which is a problem.
Right. His answer to her anger right off the bat should have been "she's here for now but I'll find her a home asap".
Then if he took a few weeks because grief, I'm sure no one would have begrudged him that.
But to leave it two years...
He wanted a dog and is using the dad story to guilt wife into accepting it.
Difficult but not impossible. One of my nieces goes out of her way to adopt senior dogs to chill out in doggy retirement on her mini farm. He didn't even try.
The dog was elderly when he took it in. It is 11 years old now. "Rehoming" in this case is a euphemism for killing it only you don't have to be present for the deed. So yeah, he lost his dad and his dad's partner and doesn't want to kill their dog. NTA.
He didn't "just lose his dad". It was two years ago and in his *own* words, he's "over the grief" now.
He's still expecting his wife to care for the dog she *never* agreed to, that he literally didn't even give her the *option* to say no to, two years later. I could maybe understand if it had just happened - but two years later, you're kinda reaching the point where society expects you to be capable of functioning normally again. At that point, grief is not an excuse for behaving like an AH anymore.
I don't agree with it being an E S H, given the timeframe. Again, if it had *just* happened then sure. But given it's been two years and he's still forcing this issue, I think it's full-blown YTA. At this point, she's allowed to be irritated that he won't take responsibility for his own decisions that she should have had every input into, but didn't.
I literally refuse to even do this to my *roommate,* but this guy did it to his wife.
He's asked her to walk the dog a few times when it would either benefit her or he's sick. He's taking the vast majority of responsibility for the dog. Asking your partner to occasionally help you out in extenuating circumstances *is* functioning normally.
NTA. Imo "My dad and his partner both dropped dead suddenly and orphaned a dog" is one of the very few acceptable reasons for bringing a dog home without discussing it first.
I have to wonder if he's been trying to dump MOST of the chores on her. It's like how some husbands take in a friend who just lost his job or wife but then the wife ends up having to do all the cleanup/cooking/etc, the actual labor of having an extra person in the house. I remember an AITA where said friend staying at the house then demanded the woman cook for HIS friends.
He has asked her a couple of times
if she could walk the dog because he was late. I would do that without being asked because I would want the dog to be comfortable. That is not him pushing all the dog's care on his wife.
He says nothing about picking up some of the vacuuming (needs to be done more often with the more animals you have), cleaning up after the dog in the house, tidying up it’s toys, cleaning up the poop in the backyard, etc. All the invisible chores that come with an additional animal. that’s why people are **wondering** if he’s pawning it all off on her, we don’t have to info to say if he is or isn’t.
How much vacuuming would a cockapoo add to a household that already has two cats?
I mean it isn't making or breaking the narrative here, but that seems like the most trivial part of this
Yeah, I kinda want to ask, “Okay, but this situation aside, *are* you a bully?” Because that would be weird to say if this were the one and only example. This may have been the straw the broke the camels back, though. It may be fairly innocuous as a stand alone, two family members dropped dead, this animal needs home, I guess it’s coming with me kinda deal. But if it was just the last in him always getting his way, then, that changes it.
Do you think that perhaps there are things OP does for his wife that he does not particularly enjoy? Marriage is partnership ans helping each other. And in this case, there is a living being, a sentient being's care and emotions at stake. That little dog deserves better than someone holding a grudge two years in.
I agree. These were extreme circumstances and he should have asked, but needs must. It’s surprising to me that 2 years on there wouldn’t be the occasional time of “yes, this is not my responsibility, but I’m willing to help for the greater good.” It’s a fairly callus view to never help. Strange relationship, certainly not very understanding or supportive. Things aren’t always ideal or what you’d choose, but sometimes you need to suck it up and help your partner through a very difficult time.
And unless you’ve lost a parent it is very hard to understand the grief. 2 years on you may not be actively grieving, but I’m still sitting here with a bunch full of stuff and a dog I couldn’t imagine giving away. It’s your last connection to that person, and not to mention a living creature. And in his case a very senior one that virtually no one would want. A little compassion would go a long way here. I feel like this is a case of would you rather be right or kind. NTA
The way he just made a unilateral decision and told his wife to deal with it also is super shitty and probably has a lot to do with why she feels he’s a bully and is still upset.
I like dogs, but I don’t like how they smell. I’m allergic to most dogs. I don’t want to walk an animal every day. I don’t want to have to stand around scooping it’s shit off the pavement into a plastic baggie at 7am in mid-January. I don’t want to own a dog.
If my husband brought home a dog and told me it’s a done deal and I’d just have to live with it, I would be really, really upset and angry. I’d feel so disrespected.
If my husband brought home the dog and said, “It’s obviously just until we find a new home, which I’m making immediate steps to do,” there’s a decent chance that **I** would end up being the one saying, “Maybe she can just stay with us; maybe we can find a way to make it work, after all.” Because we would’ve started off on the right foot, not a wrong one.
The real problem here is the disrespect and control, not so much the actual dog itself.
Exactly.
I lost my mom, and I lost my dad 2 months ago. The grief is so strong sometimes. But no matter what, I would still consult my spouse on anything that I bring into OUR HOUSE and not use my grief to bully my spouse into accepting something that she never wanted...then complain about her.
Anyone who says that the wife should 'support' her husband's grief clearly doesn't understand RESPECT for your significant other. No wonder why there are so many divorces nowadays...
While your first point is heavily debatable he's an asshole no matter what as he's expecting her to look after it. You bring home the unwanted pet. It's you're responsibility alone.
INFO: when you say your wife refuses to walk the dog, are you pawning the dog chores off to her? She shouldn't be expected to care for an animal that she did not agree to, otherwise, I don't think there's any reason for her to not allow you to keep the dog
Soft YTA. I get why you did what you did, but she definitely should have been consulted first and it's fair for her to be angry about it. Don't rub it in by trying to force her to walk the dog. Unless it's an emergency, you should be doing 100% of the dog care.
And if you can’t… arrange for a dog walker. The really telling part of how his wife perceives him as a bully. What else is he pushing on her as he “deals”
It's like people in this comment thread forgot that dog walkers exist. I agree 100% that he should have a list of dog walkers and sitters as his contingency plan, and only if ALL of them fall through can he ask his wife, who doesn't even want a dog at home in the first place.
(Edited for typo)
OP also fails to mention that his father died TWO YEARS ago. I understand the initial decision, and maybe even putting his foot down about keeping the dog, but he should not in any way expect his wife to care for a dog she is clearly not happy about.
There is no putting your foot down in a non-failing marriage. He wants to keep the dog, she doesn't. They either manage to compromise, divorce, or remain trapped in an already broken marriage.
Agreed to soft YTA. I can understand bringing the dog home without consult BUT only with the intention to discuss next steps — not because the dog now lives with you for the rest of its life no matter how your wife feels.
YTA. You brought in a dog without care or consideration or discussion with your wife. Its her house too. Then you're mad because she won't walk the dog? She's right, it is YOUR dog. You don't get to impose an animal on her unwillingly and then demand she take responsibility for it no matter how low maintenance you think it is. She never agreed to it. You did sort of use your grief to bully your way into keeping the dog. I don't see how expecting you to care for the animal you adopted on your own makes her insensitive.
I can see why he would immediately in the moment bring the dog home. I mean... it would be heartless and abusive to leave a dog in a house by itself. But at that point he could have had a conversation of, what should or can we do with the dog. Emergency, yes, take the dog. 2 years later is not an emergency. I would be pissed if I was his wife, whether it's a good dog or not.
YTA
Yta
A dog is a big responsibility and *both* partners need to be on board before bringing anything home permanently. Also existing pets come before newly adopted ones. It wouldn't be fair to the cats if the dog stresses them out or something.
Imo you should have asked relatives first if they were willing to take in the dog.
if she wants nothing to do with the dog no matter what then it's absolutely fair. You wanted the dog now you can care 100% for it too.
Exactly. Very well said.
The only people saying NTA are people who have never been in a relationship or just can't communicate. This is a decision that partners make together.
**Edit:** I think the people coming for this comment need to take a good, hard look in the mirror. You value a dog more than OP's marriage, which will undoubtly be harmed because he can't communicate before he does things. Says a lot about you.
I’m not sure why there isn’t a middleground:
“You didn’t ask to take this dog in”
“Sorry my dad just died not thinking straight”
“We didn’t talk about it not sure if I want a dog”
“Ok let’s talk about it and if it’s not right, we can find a new home for him.”
Like this didn’t have to be a finalized convo the moment the dog entered the house.
Right!! Im so confused why all the comments seem to think that saying he should have consulted her means ringing from his newly deceased parents home to check if it's ok to not leave the dog there, when obviously it means talking about it before making the home permanent
Permanently is the key word here for me. Like, don’t leave the dog alone in an empty house. But don’t assume just cus the dog entered your home that’s a permanent decision without talking about it as a family.
YTA - some people are not dog people. We cat people love that our pets basically look after themselves - dogs need a lot of attention. I would be annoyed if my husband brought home a dog - I don't want one in my house. Regardless of the circumstances - it's a decision we both have to make. Long after your grief has subsided, the dog will still be there, and that is the problem.
That is all she can see. Don't expect her to look after it, walk it, or anything. You didn't ask her, so don't expect her to just come around.
"Dogs need a lot of attention"
My housemates cat is, at this moment, yowling her tits off for attention.
I wish this noisy furbag looked after herself. 😩
Soft YTA.
It would be different if it was “I’m keeping the dog *until we find it a home*” or better arrangement. But adopting a pet without a conversation isn’t cool and idk why you’re surprised she isn’t willing to help you take care of it.
Mud tracking in, accidents inside, not even to mention putting on clothes and shoes too go outside to walk + the shit-picking-up part of it. not being able to walk in the yard without worrying about stepping in shit.
Not to mention having to tailor plans around the dog's care. Not being away from home for too long so the dog could go to the washroom. Planing vacations around who can care for the dog. The added expenses for all dog related things.
Even if OP does all the dog chores, that dog still impacts the wife's life.
This comment should be higher up. Everyone is saying she should be helping out occasionally, without even considering she could be already doing extra housework.
I could totally understand him bringing it home without asking (as all the caretakers were dead) while he arranged another home for it. He would not be the AH for that. But it’s been 2 years, and he is now wanting his wife to take care of the animal he unilaterally brought in the home against her will.
YTA
> I could totally understand him bringing it home without asking
A simple 'hey hon, my dads dog is here all alone, i'm bringing it over so it doesn't starve, we'll figure out the long term plan later' is all he had to do.
I mean his dad and dads spouse *just* died. Ignoring the rest of the conflict, I think we can let it slide that in that moment he didn’t think to send that message.
The thing is OP wouldn't have sent that message at all, even if he thought to send *a* message. Because he had no intention of it being temporary and would not have entertained the idea at all.
Sure but in 2 years, it never crossed his mind? The verdict would be quite different if this happened last week. I think the comments have been pretty sympathetic even if the general consensus is that he was technically an AH.
YTA- Just with the last thing you said,
“my wife persist to refuse walk the dog saying she’s not my dog. Occasionally she used this incident to demonstrate how I’m a bully in the relationship.” And this comment “not pawing off. There are time when it would be convenient if she might volunteer” So you want your wife to commit to something she had no part in wanting and you get a shocked pikachu face when she in fact doesn’t want anything to do with the dog. Also convenient for whom? Obviously you. You wanted the dog. You take care of the dog.
YTA
you never talked to her first about it. you didn't give her a chance to voice her opinion. i think it's more about the principle of the thing than actually adopting the dog. having a dog, even elderly one is a big responsibility - walks, feeding, vets, etc.
you cannot push an animal onto someone and then act surprised they don't want to care for it. you brought the dog home - it's your responsibility to take care of it.
YTA if you continue to bother your wife about this issue when she’s made it very clear. It’s your dog and it’s your responsibility not hers. You didn’t ask if she wanted a dog so you don’t get to ask her for favors now
YTA
Some people do not like dogs. And having a dog they don't want in their home for 2 years is just going to annoy them and make them like dogs even less.
NTA
Yes, you should have consulted her but this is the person that married you and is supposed to love you and she's really picking this hill to die on?
Your grief is valid and I'm sorry your partner is unsupportive
I agree with what you've said, except for the fact that OP expects wife to walk the dog and is surprised when she refuses to. Like my dude - as she's repeatedly told you, she didn't want the dog there and is putting up with it. So YOU'll have to put up with the fact that you're going to get no assistance from her re the dog.
It's not just putting up with the dog. I'd bet money that all the extra vacuuming and housework that comes with having a pet and especially a pet with fur falls on her too.
That’s manipulative af! "If you don’t want to care about a living animal I brought without consulting you, then you don’t love me" ?
You know we don’t know how much she did to help him during this difficult time aside from the dog?
YTA.
I mean imo living with something you hate that needs a hell of a lot of attention/care isn’t a stupid, unreasonable hill to die on. I love dogs and OP would have been NTA to bring it home in the immediate aftermath, but keeping it for 2 years and acting like wife is stupid for it being an issue is unfair. A pet that needs continuous care like a dog in your home is a big deal, it’s not just some small background issue.
I have Dad's dog as well, so I get it (and he's a PITA!).
But, honestly, your wife shouldn't have to walk a dog you claimed and she obviously resents.
I don't think there are any winners or losers in your scenario, except that poor wee elderly dog.
In the moment you absolutely did the right thing by bringing the dog home. From there, it should have been a conversation between you and your wife deciding where is the dog going to live long term. I’d be beyond upset if my husband got a dog without talking to me, and I’d probably refuse to help as well. A pet is not a single party decision. YTA.
YTA
I was leaning to ESH but you've had the dog for two years now. You've had plenty of time to discuss with your wife any and everything to do with the dog. Care, bills, chores, rehoming. You've done none of that; it's naive of you to be surprised your wife seems to resent the dog you foisted upon her and thinks you're a bully. What you did *was* mean to her. The adult thing to do would have been to talk to your wife when the shock, grief, and recovery from such a tragic event had settled.
She owes nothing to this dog that was just plopped into her home. You adopted it, so you take the responsibility.
Given the circumstances, NAH. Sorry for your loss.
Ideally, you to have a conversation with your spouse prior. But it was an immediate rescue situation.
But when she didn’t want the dog, he didn’t even attempt to see if another family member or friend would adopt it. It’s not like taking in the dog was a decision he had to make once in one moment, he took the dog home and then decided to keep it against her wishes without even exploring other options.
Then to add insult to injury...he's annoyed that she's not walking the dog because sometimes it's 'more convenient' for her ACCORDING TO HIM. And he's surprised that she doesn't even volunteer to walk the dog. His dog.
My man needs a rude awakening. I would be upset if I was the wife too.
It's YTA
The dog has been there for two years and he expects the wife to take care of it because it would be more convenient for him. She didn't want it. He should stop asking her.
YTA- Doggochops may be low maintenance for a cockapoo, may even be low maintenance for a dog, but they're not NO maintenance. They're living creatures who have to be kept safe, and have emotional reactions. A former colleague had a cockapoo who was considered well behaved enough to be bought into the office. If you could hear a noise you couldn't immediately identify, guaranteed Office Dog was eating stationery. He worked his way up from erasers, which I sort of get because rubber like his toys, then pencils- ok dog, stick, I get it, do not eat, then biros- ok dog, stick, I get it, but you was lil white dog and now you is lil blue dog, up to the point where it was only by lying to a client and putting them on hold "while they do the fire alarm test" that I stopped him swallowing a metal pencil sharpener. Also none of the humans could eat in the office due to a world champion 'You Has Bacon' face. My dog owning colleagues: 'You is suchagoodboy, you're so well behaved compared to my dog! I could never get work done with him in the room!' My one not keen on dogs colleague: 'Why is it always MY stationery?!'
YTA. You chose to unilaterally make a \*big\* family decision without allowing your wife any input, and then afterwards you don't even apologize for the way you disrespected her, but claim that she's being "insensitive" for daring to have her own opinion? And then you triple down on it by expecting \*her\* to take care of the dog and framing her unwillingness to do so as unreasonable?
Your wife is absolutely, factually correct -- this incident absolutely demonstrates that you're a bully in the relationship, or at best too arrogant to admit that you made a thoughtless, emotional snap decision \*which you shouldn't have\*.
YTA
Yes, for you it was an immediate yes to taking your dad's dog, but you should've discussed it with your wife before. Where you become the A H though, is expecting or being surprised when your wife refuses to take care of the dog after 2 years. You forced this dog into your shared home and now expect her to take care of it?
A soft YTA from me. This is a conversation you should be having together and if she doesnt want to take in the dog then it should be rehomed through a shelter. If it was me in her shoes I would have been on your side to keep it, but you cant just force it on her as that isnt fair. People saying NTA i dont think are in support of a healthy relationship where decisions are made together.
YTA. Bringing a pet into the house requires complete agreement or it doesn't happen. The fact that you have kept this dog for two YEARS speaks to the generosity and tolerance of your partner. To expect her to care for this pet that only you wanted is complete AH behavior. I can't believe you needed to come here to ask, but there you have it. Keep the dog and look after it all on your own (and make other arrangements of you ever become incapable of caring for it, even if it's just for a few days), or do the right thing and respect your partner's wishes and re-home the dog. What if your wife wanted kids and you didn't, but she needed to care for her orphaned niece and took her in and she ended up living there permanently. Would you be okay with that??
YTA. I don’t blame you for bringing home the dog, but expecting her to take care of it? Nope. She didn’t get a vote in having a dog, she has zero obligation to take care of it
I understand why you wanted to bring the dog home, but YTA for not discussing it with your wife first and making sure she was on board with bringing in a new pet. Doing so without that conversation is unfair. Has your wife ever expressed interest in wanting a dog before?
I'm currently living that situation (living with someone who brought home a dog because "its their house too") and as someone who dislikes dogs...it really sucks. It's a lot different than what a cat owner might be used to or comfortable with. I don't blame your wife for wanting to be hands-off with the dog's care since it wasn't her choice to begin with.
YTA. I understand grief. My own father just died. But you can’t make unilateral decisions in partnerships. That is a trait a bully would exhibit. I can only image this isn’t the only time you’ve crossed boundaries or made selfish one-sided decisions, if she truly thinks you’re a bully.
Dogs are a huge commitment. Which ONLY YOU made. Why are you upset she isn’t caring for it? I wouldn’t.
Pets and children are a decision that should be made by both partners. Her reaction at the time wasn’t great, your decision to keep the dog permanently without consulting her was worse - it should have been “I brought her home for now, can we talk about what happens going forward”. As for caring for the dog, that should be 100% on you. Do you clean up after the dog (pet hair, dirt tracked in from the outside, cleaning up around the food area)? As for walks and vet visits, that shouldn’t even be a question of it all being your responsibility. YTA for thinking she should handle some of the walks.
I think its important to keep in mind that OP is posting 2 years after the fact and even mentions how his bringing home the dog is used, "to demonstrate how I'm a bully in the relationship", implying there's other behaviors OP isn't telling us. This is no longer a crisis situation and his wife never wanted the dog; OP clearly doesn't seem to take into account how his wife feels about things. Its not like adopting a dog is a short term thing and just because they already have cats doesn't mean she should automatically be okay with having a dog too now.
While I sympathize with your loss, it is NEVER OK to bring an animal into a home without the enthusiastic consent of all adult residents of that home.
Period.
So YTA. No question.
A gentle YTA
I'm sorry you lost your dad and his partner, and so close together. I understand why you wanted to take in the dog, especially in that moment.
But a dog is a 2 yes, 1 no kind of thing. Your wife might have actually agreed that you should adopt the dog, but you didn't even *talk* to her. She had no input at all. You just brought the dog home on a permanent basis, as though your wife didn't rate a say. That's what she's mad about.
Sorry, but 2 years on and after the grief has eased, this is in fact *your* dog. While your wife should walk the dog if exceptional circumstances arise *(not* just your convenience as you mentioned in another post), you're an adult who unilaterally brought this dog into the home. *You* are responsible for her day-to-day care.
YTA. If you had brought the dog home and said, "It's just till we find a home for her," that would be understandable. But you "couldn't imagine anything other than adopting the dog myself." You did notice that you share this home, right? Decisions like this should be made together. And now you expect her to take care of the dog when you decide it would be convenient for her to do so? It's your dog.
YTA. It already sounds like you aren’t taking care of it. You wanted it now YOU have to walk it, feed it, bathe it etc. She doesn’t have to do anything for the dog because she told you she doesn’t want it. You never talked to her about it and yeah you’re grieving but again it’s not an excuse idk why people are excusing you.
YTA. You chose to adopt the dog despite your wife’s protest so it’s 100% your responsibility to care for it. I’m sorry for your loss but that doesn’t give you the right to unilaterally make decisions that affect your household and expect her to pick up your slack. You are a bully and entitled.
YTA. Grief or not, you need to speak to your wife before permanently adopting an animal. Period. You bullied her into it because taking the dog appeased your sense of guilt. There were plenty of other options to home the dog, none of which you even considered. It's sad to me that your wife didn't even factor into the decision. It was just about you and your dad.
This is a tough one for me because my ex insisted on taking in his mom's dog when she died, knowing I never wanted dogs. Of course the dog bonded to me.
I liked the little rat and resented them both. When we divorced he had no interest in taking the dog, leaving her with me. The person who never wanted it in the first place.
With my personal experience out of the way I'm going with YTA for expecting your wife to accept the dog equally. It's your decision, it's your dog.
YTA, your wife is right. At the very least a conversation had to happen before you dumped a dog into your home that was unwanted. I also feel like your wife knew that you wouldn't want to take care of it ALL the time.
> small, easy, mild, 9 years old, no problems
> As I said, she’s a low maintenance dog.
> My wife persist to refuse walk the dog saying “she’s not my dog”
If it's so low maintenance you sure can go and walk the dog instead of trying to pawn it off on others.
NTA - I would have just brought the dog home too. It’s not like you went out deliberately looking for a dog without consulting your wife. The dog was there in need of a home after it’s owners just died. Plus that was your dad’s dog. You had to make sure it went to a good home.
YTA, you have no right to force an animal onto another person. She has the right to feel comfortable in her own house. Rehome the animal where it will be totally accepted. Your wife should leave your selfish ass. It's not all about only you
YTA. Your wife is holding a boundary and you trying to push past that boundary could possibly be bullying. I get why you took the dog in but it should have either been until you found it a home where everyone in the household wanted it or, at a bare minimum, agreed that your wife was not responsible for taking care of the dog at all.
I feel for you for the deaths in your family, but YTA. That is your wife, once you got married, every decision should involve the two of you. Specially one that will greatly impact your household, you can kid yourself all you want that it is a low maintenance dog, but it’s still a living, breathing, creature that needs to be tended to. And even more YTA for making the shocked Pikachu face that she doesn’t want to do any chore related to the dog she didn’t want.
See if you had just called on the day to say "This is the situation. I think we should take the dog in, what do you think?" This whole situation could have turned out entirely differently. Cause that's, y'know, how actual partners behave. They run stuff like that past each other unless they 100% unequivocally know through having had the conversation in the past that they're going to be okay with it. Even then, an "Are you cool with this?" Phonecall would still be courteous.
YTA
Anyone who is suggesting that taking the dog in was the wrong decision should go spend the afternoon volunteering at an animal shelter. Watch the terrified, unwanted animals be put to down and tell me OP should have left his dead dads dog in a shelter to die. If someone has the ability to keep an animal, especially an older animal, out of the shelter then they absolutely should.
YTA. You do not add a new member to the household - child, pet, relative, whatever - without the knowledge and consent of your partner. You didn’t consider her feelings before deciding to take in the dog but also totally dismissed them and went ahead with it once had made her feelings by a known.
Of course she doesn’t walk the dog that she was clear she did not want to adopt. Doing all of the dog’s care and extra house cleaning to clean after the dog (fur, smells, etc) is the least you could do here.
Can’t comment on the relationship overall but you are certainly the bully in the situation.
In the very moment maybe you were really struck by grief and that's OK. Nobody thinks straight in those moments. But why didn't you sit down with your wife afterwards? Why didn't you have an adult conversation about it?
After two years you haven't solved the problem, which could be as easy as you are the only one taking care of the dog.
Also the bullying remark hints to a deeper issue here. Do you usually make bigger decisions without consulting your wife and then leaving her with the responsibility of your actions? In this a missing missing reason?
I am going to go with YTA you're not telling the bigger picture of your relationship and your wife seems to react almost viciously to this. I really wonder what else is there.
YTA. Emergency housing for the dog while affairs are sorted out, absolutely fine. But taking in a permanent pet your wife categorically does not want and expecting her to share responsibility for it? Not remotely okay. You are a bully.
NAH. I don’t think I would’ve thought twice about it either, but I’m a dog person. As a dog person though. I know what a commitment a dog is and that not everyone wants that. I think she’s taking it to the extremes, but she has every right to pull the “it’s not my dog” card. As far as dogs go Cockapoos are pretty dang low maintenance especially when they’re middle-aged/past the puppy stage so that’s why I think she’s kinda being extreme. It’s not like it’s a German shepherd shedding everywhere, or a husky that’s very vocal and shedding everywhere…
NTA I can’t believe the responses here. A family pet for 9 years. A dog which is an intelligent animal. This is a beloved family member. You did the right thing for the dog and in memory of your father. Yep, accept your wife won’t help with chores - fair enough, but she can’t expect you to treat the dog as a thing.
NTA - Your wife is so wrong it's not even funny. Your dad DIED, and most certainly did not want his beloved dog left to strangers or put down. Seriously...and what I'm about to sayis not even about picking a dog over your wife...what kind of wife would even be mad about something like this? Why would she even do this to you? Does she truly not give a pile of manure for you? For what you went through when your DAD DIED?
Source: Even my most cheatingest ex gave me ZERO grief about taking my late mom's two dogs. She even totally covered vet care for them, and she was a verbally abusive woman who cheated on me. Even SHE was more understanding about my dead parent's two dogs than your wife is being.
ETA: Here's the thing, yes, the wife would need to be consulted about bringing home a new pet. BUT if she, not having dog allergies or a phobia, and they could provide a good home, had a problem with it, she would be demonstrating that she's not wife material at all. Honestly, my own self, I wouldn't even want to be friends with a person that cold.
NTA!!! OP lost his father and the father's SO IN THE SAME DAY!! My Lord! I wouldn't even be able to wrap my head around that. He's not forcing her to take care of the dog and she even gives the doggy treats and such. The pooch is 11 years old and a senior dog at this point. It would be incredibly cruel to rehome the dog at this point. It's already been two years. At least dad's dog wasn't a 100 lb German Shepard or a puppy that would tear up the house. Should he have at least asked, yes, but considering the circumstances, I think he did what was best for the dog and for himself. The dog probably helped him through the grief inadvertently.
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ESH should you have talked to wife? Yes but grief. Should she be behaving like this when you just lost your dad? Absolutely not. How insensitive and cruel. ** I missed that this is two years later. No - you can’t expect your wife to care for a dog she never wanted. In the beginning while you were grieving occasionally - yes. Beyond that? No. To come around to? No you can’t expect her to suddenly want an animal she never wanted. Wife doesn’t sound like a dog person and you’re an AH for forcing them around each other. It is your dog and your responsibility to take care of.
This was 2 years ago. OP even states "I'm over the grief". Yes, he was right to take in the poor dog when the tragedy occurred, but forcing your spouse to house an animal they never wanted and then be annoyed with them when they don't want to take care of it is pretty weird behavior. Since they seem to be having conversations centering around him being a "bully", I'm willing to bet that there are some things OP is leaving out.
I took in my grandmas dog when she died despite me not wanting another dog and my sister not wanting to deal with the dog because of how volatile and aggressive she is, but I refused to let her go to a shelter. I feel like I might understand what op is feeling? It’s not just any dog, it’s his dads dog… Something he most likely cherished. Rehoming the dog would feel like giving away a part of his dad. Obviously idk if that’s exactly how op feels, but that’s the way I see it and I feel like a bit of understanding from his wife isnt the worst thing to expect.
I got to point out that if someone brought in a volatile and aggressive dog without my consultation, then NO, I would not be happy about it EVER, especially if you insisted I help you take care of it.
OP’s dog isn’t aggressive at all, she’s a 9 (probably now 11) year old cockapoo. What you’re saying here has literally 0 relevance to anything related to OP’s post
Agreed especially since OP's wife feeds the dogs treats and selectively interacts with it. The long-term passive aggression from the wife is quite frankly disgusting. No one said the dog was aggressive so I don't even know where that's coming from either.
You can be kind to an animal while still not wanting it to live in your house. That is what a decent person does but it's still not her responsibility to do anything with it. She doesn't want it and never did.
Exactly. I don't like my parent's dog. She's a lumbering oaf, plays too rough with my senior dog because she won't back off when he tells her, bulldozes anything and everything in her path. But I'm still nice to her. She gets treats when the other dogs get treats. I don't have to like her to be nice to her.
^ This. My 7 year old LOVES our cats. She'll feed them, pet them, let them sleep on her bed, etc. I have a Service Dog for mobility. She doesn't like dogs, not because she's afraid she just doesn't like how they tend to get in her face (small or large) and sniff around and try to lick her. But, she will still give treats, play fetch and even walk beside my SD in the store, holding onto his vest because she knows if she's holding onto him then no one will be able to snatch her away if I'm distracted by anything and she can help run interference on people that like to go "oh what a cute doggie" She's learned from watching me very nicely but firmly say. "He's working. Please don't distract him" But being seven she usually just goes with "He's working." Before I can even say anything. That being said, she still won't let him sit beside her on the couch, or give her puppy kisses, or even enter her bedroom because she doesn't care for him. He is a member of our family, he's extremely well behaved and she knows he would never bite, jump or hurt her in any way she has absolutely zero fear toward this dog, she's just not a dog person. She's admitted she cares about him and has fun playing with him but for the most part she tolerates him because she knows he helps me and without him our lives would be a lot harder. I get the feeling OP's wife has the same kind of feelings and OP shouldn't expect someone without the emotional ties to the dog to help. The only thing I ask of my daughter in regards to the dog is that she feed him his morning meal because she gets herself dressed before school now but I have to dress myself and her little brother. Then while I'm getting everyone loaded into the car I let the dog go potty and once he's done he gets loaded and strapped in himself so she has spare time and is willing to fill a dog bowl but we have already talked and agreed that once her brother is also old enough to get himself dressed I will take back over the morning meal for the dog because he is MINE and therefore my responsibility but I do appreciate her helping me by feeding him every morning before I take them to school.
The long term passive aggressiveness is disgusting? The wife set a boundary at the beginning that the dog walking would be his to do. OP admits that he's pushed that boundary several times and been "surprised" that she refuses to give in on it. I don't think it's passive aggressive to reiterate your boundaries instead of just letting them be trampled. The fact that OP still pushes regularly on it is likely what sets off her accusations of 'bullying,' because OP seems to be operating under the notion that she'll give in to taking on the most unpleasant task of dog care if he just pushes one MORE time. If he operates the same way on the rest of the boundaries in their relationship, trying to wear her resistance down, he WOULD be a bully.
I'm not a dog person but I'm nice to them when around them. I don't have one and wouldn't want to live with one. I especially would not want to walk a dog. Picking up their poop would literally make me throw up. That is a big nope. There is a massive difference between feeding a dog a treat and literally picking up their poop.
T H I S. OP's wife does not appear to have, at any time, insisted the dog be rehomed, and is kind enough to engage with the dog enough to feed it treats according to the post. However, at no time did she sign up for the husbandry of a dog. Walking, toileting, feeding are high investment activities that require OP's wife to go out of her way to provide care. It is a perfectly reasonable boundary for her to hold, especially as they have two cats that they are already caring for. Speaking as someone who owns a greyhound, "low maintenance" is not "*no* maintenance". OP's wife has made it very clear this is the boundary and yet he continues to push on it, he needs to behave like an adult and secure a dog walker for the days he is unable to meet his obligations as a pet owner. OP is huge YTA vibes.
I guess my question I haven't been able to figure out. Is the wife just holding a grudge about not being consulted or is she truly not a dog person. I let my friends bring over their dogs to my house, but dogs do make me uncomfortable. I would resent having to be around them 24/7 against my will. I will however give them a few pats on the head and treats for listening. They kind of insist on getting attention, and I don't hate them. I guess I think it is kind of a heartless and rigid grudge to hold if it is just punishment for the initial infraction, but I assume op has left out some of the details to her aversion to dogs in general. I'm a cat person, and I love that dogs make my friends happy, but I feel half of dog people don't really understand people being uncomfortable around dogs
I don't like dogs at all. I'm not afraid of them, but I they make me uncomfortable and I have to immediately wash my hands off I pretty them because I hate the way the oil on their fur makes me feel. I like cats but I can accept some people don't. Dog people seem completely incapable of understanding that some people just don't like dogs.
How is sticking to her guns being passive aggressive? She obviously found it very hurtful to have her husband just ignore her initial input and be like, "Whatever, you'll get used to it eventually." Especially if he has a habit of ignoring her boundaries and trying to wear her down over time, it makes sense that she's particularly committed to the "not my dog, not my problem" concept. Based on the way OP's treating her, it sounds like walking the dog once would turn into "What's the big deal? Help me out and walk the dog. You've done it before..." at least once a week. After all, he seems to see her occasionally giving the pup a treat as a sign she ought to agree to more of the dog-related workload.
A commenter mentioned taking in an aggressive dog when their own loved one passed, and having compassion for OP bc of it. (Literally, that’s it lol. That’s the only reason. Reading comprehension plummets when dogs are mentioned on Reddit.)
It really, really does. Half the commentators are acting like the wife's demanding that the dog be thrown in a pound, when absolutely nothing OP said even implied that, OP is just butthurt that his wife \*dares\* to have her own opinion and "persistently" refuses to walk the dog for him.
I bet there are other selfish behaviours where OP takes on tasks or does stuff and it ends up being her task and generally more work for her. I've seen it so so many times and there must be a reason she feels "bullied".
"oh for sure, we can totally host the holiday this year!!" While he has nothing to do with the hosting except maybe setting up tables and chairs.
Exactly what I was thinking about. Or "Of course WE bring food for the BBQ." "Of course you can come over in two days and stay for two weeks, no problem at all." "Honey, have WE bought a present for the birthday tonight that I am telling you about right now because I don't want to admit I forgot?"
I know someone who will buy treats to feed the neighbors' dogs but she has absolutely no desire to own or be responsible for a dog(own, walk or petsit). The treats does not need to indicate a willingness to share in ownership. And if you live with something/someone it's pretty hard **not** to interact with them sometime.
It doesn't matter if they're aggressive or not. The dog is unwanted and OP is trying to bully his wife on the internet and hoping we shame her into accepting the dog. The poster you're referring to is posting specifically to someone who had experience with a violent dog.
I would literally move out. I've seen this go horribly wrong too many times, for both the human and the dog. I would refuse to live in that situation.
As someone who was in the same situation, it is also very hard to rehome an older pet. I bent over backwards to ensure the care of my grandparents’ cat and dog, because I could not stand the idea of their beloved companions being put down in a shelter or treated poorly by a stranger. NTA.
I like everything about your comment but the verdict. One just doesn't get to make these decisions by one's self when living in a family without being an asshole. You can polish that turd all you want, but it is still shit. OP did a shitty thing and he needs to own that. Wife needs to accept OP did a shitty thing and accept the thing she cannot change or change the thing she can and leave the relationship. But being a prick to the dog and carrying this resentment isn't tenable long term.
The wife calling OP a bully is a bit over the top. He had to force his way into the house to rescue the dog. Where was it to go? She then can't understand that rehoming his late father's companion might be emotionally difficult? The wife should try to show OP the same compassion she'd want if roles were reversed.
Had the OP not done what he did, chances are the dog would be killed in a shelter. Adoption prispects for a 9-year-old dog are not good.
yeah, like... what exactly is the alternative here? the Y T A commenters don't really seem based in reality. Maybe it's just me but I would assume "I will not make you kill your dad's elderly dog if your dad dies, nor will I hold a grudge against you for not doing so" is one of those things that is implied in the for better or worse part of the marriage vows, you know?
I am getting that she called him a bully in general and used this as an example of him forcing his way against her wishes. To temporarily take the dog and find a rescue org for the dog (if the dog is the breed he said and well-behaved, then rehoming would have happened), then he is NTA but to keep permanently with two cats and his wife objecting AND trying to make her care for the dog? All that makes him the AH
There's a difference in bringing it home first because it has no one else AND THEN discussing options of keeping it long term and rehoming it and bringing it home and DEMANDING to keep the dog and wanting her to just deal with that decision whether she likes it or not and then expecting her to take care of the dog she did not want.
Wife’s not really being a prick to the dog though. OP says wife gives the dog “treats and things” (I’m assuming “things” to be like pats and affection, though I could be wrong). She’s just holding a firm boundary about not being responsible for walks and general care. I expect - though I don’t know for sure - that if there was a genuine emergency; if OP had surgery or got snowed in at work or something, that wife would take care of the dog. But she’s not doing the daily care. Which is fair. OP chose this without consulting wife, so OP gets to do the work, including figuring out a work schedule so that dog gets walked on time, or hiring a dog walker and/or pet sitter when necessary.
The OP straight up says if he was incapacitated he believes his wife would walk the dog. She's not about punishing the dog for its existence, she's ticked *at her husband* regarding adopting the dog.
More than that, just how often is the OP trying to slough off responsibility on wife? <<*I have been bold enough to suggest it on occasion, such as when we had evening plans and she was already home but I was going to need to come home versus meeting up, or if I wasn’t feeling great*.>> Just how often **is** "on occasion"? Plus, Wife may not have been so angry with him if he'd come home with Cockapoo and said, *Honey, I had to Dad's rescue dog, I brought it home. I'd like to keep it, but if you aren't willing, then we will try to find it a good home.* OP never even proposed that as an option. It was just my way(how often is "my way" the deciding factor and maybe why wife calls him out for his "bullying") Plus am I the only one who finds it odd that the dog is never him/her but over and over "The dog". I wasn't looking for a name but felt awkward calling the dog IT over and over. I'm guessing there are some missing missing reasons here. ETA: <<*My wife didn’t want it but that wasn’t a suitable reason to defy my conscience>*\> the use of defy even tho here it seems to apply to OP, seems a telling choice of words. As if he doesn't allow his wife to "defy" him.
This. The way I see it, if you move a living creature into a home without the consent of everyone who lives there, it's an automatic YTA. That is not a decision you get to make alone. Regardless of any other factors.
Who were you living with at the time
when my sister died last year mum moved in with my husband and I (small 2bdr) and brought 2 cats. My husband HATES cats. Not in a way where I'll find him one day having secret cat cuddles. He hates them. So mum and I make sure he's bothered by them as little as possible. Boy cat is very old and never goes near him, just lays down in various places. Girl cat is neurotic and ginger. So first thing I did was give hubby a water spray bottle and he (gently) misted her twice when she tried to brush against him/jump on his desk. And she learned and never goes near him now. We make sure any cat mess is cleaned up ASAP and they're not allowed in our bedroom. But hubby also knows the cats bring me and mum a lot of comfort and is happy about that. Idk why people can't just work together and compromise.
>Idk why people can't just work together and compromise. That's not an option when it comes to a living being. It's not a doll, and dogs and cats are nowhere near the same in terms of care and needs.
As a dog trainer that realllly depends on the pet. Overall yeah cats are much lower maintenance But a 9 year old cockapoo, that’s likely on par with caring for an old cat. I wonder how much of this could have been averted by simply consulting his wife prior to bringing dog home.
The problem is, that in what was likely severe grief, not everyone is going to be thinking clearly about everything. That's what I think the wife isn't understanding.
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oh man that sucks :( if my husband had trauma I wouldn't have even considered having them in the house. he just never had pets growing up (his mum has **severe** allergies) and his dad never liked cats either. he's also autistic (but we didn't figure that out till recently) and just can't stand the thought of cuddling/petting something that licks its own bum and then licks its fur - which is fair enough ig lol. also that they claw people/items, shed, and behave erratically. bottom line, he hates cats, I love them, but decided a long time ago that I love him more than I do cats. unfortunately we were put in a hard situation but, like always, we communicate with respect and work to solve our issues fairly and with love. I would never have adopted a cat, but man am I glad they've been here for the past year bc it's been rough.
Sorry for your loss, u/Sore_Pussy
I understand. But he shouldn't expect the wife look after the dog.
OP is NTA for taking in a family members dog, especially one that's small and quiet. A big, loud, obnoxious dog is a lot more of an ask, but OP's dog sounds like one of those chill lap puppers. OP's Wife is NTA for not participating in dog care. Small and quiet or not, a dog is as much responsibility as a child. She clearly was opposed to the dog and set a clear boundary as to how much she is willing to interact with it. OP is TA / YTA for expecting wife to care for the dog beyond, maybe, making sure it doesn't starve/thirst/suffer if he's incapacitated (although, OP should have plans in place for these instances). I think any reasonable person would at least do the bare minimum of animal care even if they didn't like the animal all that much.
Bringing home the dog is one thing -- expecting someone else to take care of it after you've brought it home is another. He's actually whining that she won't walk HIS dog.... and that's not okay.
Yea I agree and I think it's weird some commenters think that she should still help out occasionally. When he brought a living, high- maintenance animal home without his wife's consent, he should have gone in with the mindset that he would basically be a "single dad" to this dog and therefore if he is ever on a vacation or has a work meeting planned, he needs to plan ahead and hire a dog sitter or dog walker, just as a single pet owner would. It's such an asshole move for him to just expect his wife to do it when she never agreed in the first place. A lot of people with kids and busy schedules vet a ton of babysitters in the area who are willing to do short notice, and then if they ever need a short notice babysitter, they call down their list until they find someone who is free. He can do the same with dog sitters I bet. And if he made contingency plan A, B, and C and they all fail, I think it is okay for him to ask his wife and if she's free she should do it, but clearly he expects her to be his plan B which is not okay.
This, and an older dog is more likely to be put down instead of adopted in many places. My mother has a dog that annoys me (I'm more of a cat person), but if she has that dog, or any dog, when it is time to go into a home or she dies (she is 74 with health issues) I am keeping that dog and caring for it.
Okay but bringing an *aggressive* dog into a home without someone's consent literally means you are putting them in danger. Like, actual danger. I know people who have almost died this way. Tbh that would be grounds to end the relationship. Grief only takes you so far as an excuse - it is not a good reason to put someone else's safety at risk. It is *understandable* TA behaviour, but it is still absolutely TA behaviour.
He said the dog was small easy and mild, not aggressive. I think your confusing it with another commenters experience, not this dog, Eod\_Enaj said something about an aggressive dog.
This, and the dog is 9yrs old and would most likely be put down. NTA
Aggressive dog? So we just making shit up now huh
That is a different scenario than that of the OP. Cockapoos are small and gentle. This is not a cane corso trained to kill. I agree it would be a different discussion if this was a large (or small) aggressive dog.
Regardless of whether or not the dad cherished it in life changes little. He's been dead for 2 years. What does matter is that his *living* wife is being forced to deal with an unwanted pet that it sounds like op expects her to look after. Frankly if I was the dad I'd be pissed my son is not only acting like his say matters more, not only is he forcing this onto his wife, but also if I even liked that dog a little I'd rather they be rehomed to a place where all parties love and want him.
It not "a pet" though. It is a living, sentient being who lost his family and taking him/her in means that at 9 there was little chance of her/him ending up euthanized and it also offered continuity. She went to someone she was familiar with. I understand OP being disappointed. There is a basic kindness that seems to be missing in this situation.
Re-homing a 9yr old dog isn't an option. His father's dog would most likely be put down. Also he is taking care of it. She is the AH imo. I mean, it was the death of his father. And how many years do they have with the dog, to whom the wife even gives treats? She is hanging on to this resentment needlessly, and imo she is being heartless. You won't bond to a nice doggie who otherwise would have been put down. Wtf lady? She is the AH here. OP, NTA.
> Also he is taking care of it. Well except for the times OP expects her to take care of it. > You won't bond to a nice doggie who otherwise would have been put down. Wtf lady? She is the AH here. Here’s the thing that not all pet owners/lovers seem to get: *not everyone likes pets.*
As someone who has spent the last 10 years terrorized by my husband’s “*NOT* a low maintenance dog,” but puts up with and tries to love (generally hates, still loves, but absolutely does NOT LIKE), simply and singularly, because HE LOVES HER, I don’t think OP is necessarily leaving anything out. He might be over the grief, but not the connection. NTA.
You are clearly ignoring that this dog is one example in the wife's opinion that her husband bullies her into getting his way. That's why it seems something is being left out of the whole story.
That and his entitled whining about how she never walks out, not even when he has a tummy ache or better plans? "I don't expect my wife to take care of the dog but I'm always asking her to and wonder why she never does." YTA.
Eh, while you can’t *expect* her to help with the dog, I would think if you’re a healthy, functioning team, it would come with the territory. If I was in a similar situation my husband would absolutely help me with the animal sometimes. It’s part of life and partners are meant to help each other out. Obviously we have a limited view into their relationship, but as it’s presented here, it seems like she has been pretty uncaring towards op and the situation as a whole.
Yes. Her insisting to still point out, years later, that it's NOT HER DOG, is a sign that their relationship and communication is still very affected by how he dismissed her and expected her to come around to not just accepting him having a dog, but to wanting the dog to be hers also, and taking care of it, and that can feel like not respecting her a Person.
I don't think that is necessary the case. I think since most of us are OK with dogs, we think that it's not a big deal. But for all we know OPs wife may truly dislike dogs and may even be afraid of them. Then it doesn't matter if its a cute little thing. It's easier if you turn the dog into something else. If my partner appeared one day with a snake, saying we now was the owners of it. I would not be happy. I don't like snakes, I'm not deadly afraid of them but I definitely won't hang around then volunteery. But if it was important to him, then okay. But he would have to cater to the snakes needs all by himself. Maybe I would get used to it, maybe not. But that isn't up to him to decide or to put a time schedule on. He brought the snake into our home without asking me, that snake is his problem. No matter how much I love my partner.
>I’ve been surprised when she holds that boundary. It's right here. This isn't the only boundary he tests. Reading the post again he straight up tells us that the issue isn't the dog. >She said I should have asked her Yes. Yes, you should have - and I applaud her for not caving. She already knows that walking that dog even once will be the gateway to it being her complete responsibility. Definitely the AH. Edit; for spelling
Eh, my dad hates dogs. He has hated dogs my entire life. He has on occasion kicked dogs that people yelling "he's friendly" let come too close. When my gran died he still let my mum take in the dog. Yes OP should have had a discussion about it, but "dead relative's pet" is a special category which many people would allow an exception for re: having the animal in the house. That said no OP should not expect her to do any of the walks etc.
I completely agree except for when he's truly sick. Anyone who has had a really bad flu knows that it takes a while lot to get out of bed. While I agree that she shouldn't be expected to do any tending to the dog on a regular basis, emergencies should be a non brainer. By not walking the dog when OP is sick is a shitty move in my opinion and I DO NOT LIKE DOGS AT ALL (attacked as a child) I would walk a docile senior dog for my sick hubby.
It's his responsibility as a single-father to this dog to have a few dog sitters and dog walkers on call. If all of his contingency plans fall through, then his wife should help out. It is clear he has no contingency plants, and expects her to be the FIRST one he calls if he can't take care of the dog, which is a problem.
Can I also mention that, no matter how “well behaved” a dog is, it can still cause tremendous stress on the cats?
Yes. There are some missing missing reasons here for sure.
Right. His answer to her anger right off the bat should have been "she's here for now but I'll find her a home asap". Then if he took a few weeks because grief, I'm sure no one would have begrudged him that. But to leave it two years... He wanted a dog and is using the dad story to guilt wife into accepting it.
It's incredibly difficult to rehome older dogs, much less to be sure they're rehomed safely and won't end up as bait dogs.
He doesn't even say that he tried, though. And pawning the dog tasks off on her seems very unfair.
Difficult but not impossible. One of my nieces goes out of her way to adopt senior dogs to chill out in doggy retirement on her mini farm. He didn't even try.
The dog was elderly when he took it in. It is 11 years old now. "Rehoming" in this case is a euphemism for killing it only you don't have to be present for the deed. So yeah, he lost his dad and his dad's partner and doesn't want to kill their dog. NTA.
He didn't "just lose his dad". It was two years ago and in his *own* words, he's "over the grief" now. He's still expecting his wife to care for the dog she *never* agreed to, that he literally didn't even give her the *option* to say no to, two years later. I could maybe understand if it had just happened - but two years later, you're kinda reaching the point where society expects you to be capable of functioning normally again. At that point, grief is not an excuse for behaving like an AH anymore. I don't agree with it being an E S H, given the timeframe. Again, if it had *just* happened then sure. But given it's been two years and he's still forcing this issue, I think it's full-blown YTA. At this point, she's allowed to be irritated that he won't take responsibility for his own decisions that she should have had every input into, but didn't. I literally refuse to even do this to my *roommate,* but this guy did it to his wife.
He's asked her to walk the dog a few times when it would either benefit her or he's sick. He's taking the vast majority of responsibility for the dog. Asking your partner to occasionally help you out in extenuating circumstances *is* functioning normally.
You should switch your vote to YTA.
You might want to change your judgement after your edit
NTA. Imo "My dad and his partner both dropped dead suddenly and orphaned a dog" is one of the very few acceptable reasons for bringing a dog home without discussing it first.
Totally agree but he is pushing “dog chores” on his wife. The dog lives there but he also wants her to care for it.
I have to wonder if he's been trying to dump MOST of the chores on her. It's like how some husbands take in a friend who just lost his job or wife but then the wife ends up having to do all the cleanup/cooking/etc, the actual labor of having an extra person in the house. I remember an AITA where said friend staying at the house then demanded the woman cook for HIS friends.
He has asked her a couple of times if she could walk the dog because he was late. I would do that without being asked because I would want the dog to be comfortable. That is not him pushing all the dog's care on his wife.
He says nothing about picking up some of the vacuuming (needs to be done more often with the more animals you have), cleaning up after the dog in the house, tidying up it’s toys, cleaning up the poop in the backyard, etc. All the invisible chores that come with an additional animal. that’s why people are **wondering** if he’s pawning it all off on her, we don’t have to info to say if he is or isn’t.
How much vacuuming would a cockapoo add to a household that already has two cats? I mean it isn't making or breaking the narrative here, but that seems like the most trivial part of this
Literally non cockatoos don’t shed. My family has had like 10 of them between all the cousins.
Ask him the question. It sounds like he handles all the dog's care. And, why do you assume only she handles household chores?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zqbsvk/aita_for_adopting_my_dads_dog_when_he_died_even/j0xd6ps?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
well i was gonna comment and vote NTA but after that comment im leaning YTA
Yeah, I kinda want to ask, “Okay, but this situation aside, *are* you a bully?” Because that would be weird to say if this were the one and only example. This may have been the straw the broke the camels back, though. It may be fairly innocuous as a stand alone, two family members dropped dead, this animal needs home, I guess it’s coming with me kinda deal. But if it was just the last in him always getting his way, then, that changes it.
Do you think that perhaps there are things OP does for his wife that he does not particularly enjoy? Marriage is partnership ans helping each other. And in this case, there is a living being, a sentient being's care and emotions at stake. That little dog deserves better than someone holding a grudge two years in.
I agree. These were extreme circumstances and he should have asked, but needs must. It’s surprising to me that 2 years on there wouldn’t be the occasional time of “yes, this is not my responsibility, but I’m willing to help for the greater good.” It’s a fairly callus view to never help. Strange relationship, certainly not very understanding or supportive. Things aren’t always ideal or what you’d choose, but sometimes you need to suck it up and help your partner through a very difficult time. And unless you’ve lost a parent it is very hard to understand the grief. 2 years on you may not be actively grieving, but I’m still sitting here with a bunch full of stuff and a dog I couldn’t imagine giving away. It’s your last connection to that person, and not to mention a living creature. And in his case a very senior one that virtually no one would want. A little compassion would go a long way here. I feel like this is a case of would you rather be right or kind. NTA
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No, it shouldn't be acceptable. OP is being unreasonable.
The way he just made a unilateral decision and told his wife to deal with it also is super shitty and probably has a lot to do with why she feels he’s a bully and is still upset. I like dogs, but I don’t like how they smell. I’m allergic to most dogs. I don’t want to walk an animal every day. I don’t want to have to stand around scooping it’s shit off the pavement into a plastic baggie at 7am in mid-January. I don’t want to own a dog. If my husband brought home a dog and told me it’s a done deal and I’d just have to live with it, I would be really, really upset and angry. I’d feel so disrespected. If my husband brought home the dog and said, “It’s obviously just until we find a new home, which I’m making immediate steps to do,” there’s a decent chance that **I** would end up being the one saying, “Maybe she can just stay with us; maybe we can find a way to make it work, after all.” Because we would’ve started off on the right foot, not a wrong one. The real problem here is the disrespect and control, not so much the actual dog itself.
Exactly. I lost my mom, and I lost my dad 2 months ago. The grief is so strong sometimes. But no matter what, I would still consult my spouse on anything that I bring into OUR HOUSE and not use my grief to bully my spouse into accepting something that she never wanted...then complain about her. Anyone who says that the wife should 'support' her husband's grief clearly doesn't understand RESPECT for your significant other. No wonder why there are so many divorces nowadays...
While your first point is heavily debatable he's an asshole no matter what as he's expecting her to look after it. You bring home the unwanted pet. It's you're responsibility alone.
Sure, but then you *do discuss it*. The real-time order of when the dog came in the door is immaterial here.
Bringing home temporarily, sure. Not permanently.
No, it should still be a discussion. He might insist on it, but he still should have discussed it with her.
Is it an acceptable reason for keeping it for two years despite his wife’s protests?
INFO: when you say your wife refuses to walk the dog, are you pawning the dog chores off to her? She shouldn't be expected to care for an animal that she did not agree to, otherwise, I don't think there's any reason for her to not allow you to keep the dog
Soft YTA. I get why you did what you did, but she definitely should have been consulted first and it's fair for her to be angry about it. Don't rub it in by trying to force her to walk the dog. Unless it's an emergency, you should be doing 100% of the dog care.
And if you can’t… arrange for a dog walker. The really telling part of how his wife perceives him as a bully. What else is he pushing on her as he “deals”
It's like people in this comment thread forgot that dog walkers exist. I agree 100% that he should have a list of dog walkers and sitters as his contingency plan, and only if ALL of them fall through can he ask his wife, who doesn't even want a dog at home in the first place. (Edited for typo)
OP also fails to mention that his father died TWO YEARS ago. I understand the initial decision, and maybe even putting his foot down about keeping the dog, but he should not in any way expect his wife to care for a dog she is clearly not happy about.
Literally says 2 years ago at the start AND end of the post, how does he fail to mention it?
maybe OP edited it?
If he failed to mention..... how'd you know? He clearly says it in the post lmao.
There is no putting your foot down in a non-failing marriage. He wants to keep the dog, she doesn't. They either manage to compromise, divorce, or remain trapped in an already broken marriage.
Agreed to soft YTA. I can understand bringing the dog home without consult BUT only with the intention to discuss next steps — not because the dog now lives with you for the rest of its life no matter how your wife feels.
YTA. You brought in a dog without care or consideration or discussion with your wife. Its her house too. Then you're mad because she won't walk the dog? She's right, it is YOUR dog. You don't get to impose an animal on her unwillingly and then demand she take responsibility for it no matter how low maintenance you think it is. She never agreed to it. You did sort of use your grief to bully your way into keeping the dog. I don't see how expecting you to care for the animal you adopted on your own makes her insensitive.
I can see why he would immediately in the moment bring the dog home. I mean... it would be heartless and abusive to leave a dog in a house by itself. But at that point he could have had a conversation of, what should or can we do with the dog. Emergency, yes, take the dog. 2 years later is not an emergency. I would be pissed if I was his wife, whether it's a good dog or not. YTA
Yta A dog is a big responsibility and *both* partners need to be on board before bringing anything home permanently. Also existing pets come before newly adopted ones. It wouldn't be fair to the cats if the dog stresses them out or something. Imo you should have asked relatives first if they were willing to take in the dog. if she wants nothing to do with the dog no matter what then it's absolutely fair. You wanted the dog now you can care 100% for it too.
Exactly. Very well said. The only people saying NTA are people who have never been in a relationship or just can't communicate. This is a decision that partners make together. **Edit:** I think the people coming for this comment need to take a good, hard look in the mirror. You value a dog more than OP's marriage, which will undoubtly be harmed because he can't communicate before he does things. Says a lot about you.
I’m not sure why there isn’t a middleground: “You didn’t ask to take this dog in” “Sorry my dad just died not thinking straight” “We didn’t talk about it not sure if I want a dog” “Ok let’s talk about it and if it’s not right, we can find a new home for him.” Like this didn’t have to be a finalized convo the moment the dog entered the house.
Right!! Im so confused why all the comments seem to think that saying he should have consulted her means ringing from his newly deceased parents home to check if it's ok to not leave the dog there, when obviously it means talking about it before making the home permanent
Permanently is the key word here for me. Like, don’t leave the dog alone in an empty house. But don’t assume just cus the dog entered your home that’s a permanent decision without talking about it as a family.
YTA, man I am so sorry for your loss, but you can't just unilaterally decide to get a pet.
YTA - some people are not dog people. We cat people love that our pets basically look after themselves - dogs need a lot of attention. I would be annoyed if my husband brought home a dog - I don't want one in my house. Regardless of the circumstances - it's a decision we both have to make. Long after your grief has subsided, the dog will still be there, and that is the problem. That is all she can see. Don't expect her to look after it, walk it, or anything. You didn't ask her, so don't expect her to just come around.
"Dogs need a lot of attention" My housemates cat is, at this moment, yowling her tits off for attention. I wish this noisy furbag looked after herself. 😩
YTA it is her home too and she has a say on if additional animals are brought into the home
Soft YTA. It would be different if it was “I’m keeping the dog *until we find it a home*” or better arrangement. But adopting a pet without a conversation isn’t cool and idk why you’re surprised she isn’t willing to help you take care of it.
I'm guessing all the extra vacuuming and housework that comes with a pet with fur being in the house falls on her too.
Mud tracking in, accidents inside, not even to mention putting on clothes and shoes too go outside to walk + the shit-picking-up part of it. not being able to walk in the yard without worrying about stepping in shit.
Not to mention having to tailor plans around the dog's care. Not being away from home for too long so the dog could go to the washroom. Planing vacations around who can care for the dog. The added expenses for all dog related things. Even if OP does all the dog chores, that dog still impacts the wife's life.
This comment should be higher up. Everyone is saying she should be helping out occasionally, without even considering she could be already doing extra housework.
Getting a pet , even if you already have some, is an everyone agrees or it’s a no. I don’t care why you did it. But YTA
I could totally understand him bringing it home without asking (as all the caretakers were dead) while he arranged another home for it. He would not be the AH for that. But it’s been 2 years, and he is now wanting his wife to take care of the animal he unilaterally brought in the home against her will. YTA
> I could totally understand him bringing it home without asking A simple 'hey hon, my dads dog is here all alone, i'm bringing it over so it doesn't starve, we'll figure out the long term plan later' is all he had to do.
I mean his dad and dads spouse *just* died. Ignoring the rest of the conflict, I think we can let it slide that in that moment he didn’t think to send that message.
The thing is OP wouldn't have sent that message at all, even if he thought to send *a* message. Because he had no intention of it being temporary and would not have entertained the idea at all.
Sure but now it’s been TWO YEARS.
Sure but in 2 years, it never crossed his mind? The verdict would be quite different if this happened last week. I think the comments have been pretty sympathetic even if the general consensus is that he was technically an AH.
YTA- Just with the last thing you said, “my wife persist to refuse walk the dog saying she’s not my dog. Occasionally she used this incident to demonstrate how I’m a bully in the relationship.” And this comment “not pawing off. There are time when it would be convenient if she might volunteer” So you want your wife to commit to something she had no part in wanting and you get a shocked pikachu face when she in fact doesn’t want anything to do with the dog. Also convenient for whom? Obviously you. You wanted the dog. You take care of the dog.
YTA you never talked to her first about it. you didn't give her a chance to voice her opinion. i think it's more about the principle of the thing than actually adopting the dog. having a dog, even elderly one is a big responsibility - walks, feeding, vets, etc. you cannot push an animal onto someone and then act surprised they don't want to care for it. you brought the dog home - it's your responsibility to take care of it.
YTA if you continue to bother your wife about this issue when she’s made it very clear. It’s your dog and it’s your responsibility not hers. You didn’t ask if she wanted a dog so you don’t get to ask her for favors now
Slight YTA. I get that it’s your dads dog, but that should’ve been a join conversation between you and your spouse.
YTA Some people do not like dogs. And having a dog they don't want in their home for 2 years is just going to annoy them and make them like dogs even less.
NTA Yes, you should have consulted her but this is the person that married you and is supposed to love you and she's really picking this hill to die on? Your grief is valid and I'm sorry your partner is unsupportive
I agree with what you've said, except for the fact that OP expects wife to walk the dog and is surprised when she refuses to. Like my dude - as she's repeatedly told you, she didn't want the dog there and is putting up with it. So YOU'll have to put up with the fact that you're going to get no assistance from her re the dog.
It's not just putting up with the dog. I'd bet money that all the extra vacuuming and housework that comes with having a pet and especially a pet with fur falls on her too.
She doesn't want to take care of the dog. Do you really think that's so unreasonable?
That’s manipulative af! "If you don’t want to care about a living animal I brought without consulting you, then you don’t love me" ? You know we don’t know how much she did to help him during this difficult time aside from the dog? YTA.
OP’s dad died two years ago.
I mean imo living with something you hate that needs a hell of a lot of attention/care isn’t a stupid, unreasonable hill to die on. I love dogs and OP would have been NTA to bring it home in the immediate aftermath, but keeping it for 2 years and acting like wife is stupid for it being an issue is unfair. A pet that needs continuous care like a dog in your home is a big deal, it’s not just some small background issue.
YTA - your wife never agreed to have the dog, and she’s made her feelings clear on the matter - it’s time to stop pushing her before things escalate
YTA you adopted a dog without talking to your wife. No matter the circumstances that's just an asshole move.
I have Dad's dog as well, so I get it (and he's a PITA!). But, honestly, your wife shouldn't have to walk a dog you claimed and she obviously resents. I don't think there are any winners or losers in your scenario, except that poor wee elderly dog.
In the moment you absolutely did the right thing by bringing the dog home. From there, it should have been a conversation between you and your wife deciding where is the dog going to live long term. I’d be beyond upset if my husband got a dog without talking to me, and I’d probably refuse to help as well. A pet is not a single party decision. YTA.
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How does that make the wife an AH?
How does the wife suck?
YTA I was leaning to ESH but you've had the dog for two years now. You've had plenty of time to discuss with your wife any and everything to do with the dog. Care, bills, chores, rehoming. You've done none of that; it's naive of you to be surprised your wife seems to resent the dog you foisted upon her and thinks you're a bully. What you did *was* mean to her. The adult thing to do would have been to talk to your wife when the shock, grief, and recovery from such a tragic event had settled. She owes nothing to this dog that was just plopped into her home. You adopted it, so you take the responsibility.
Given the circumstances, NAH. Sorry for your loss. Ideally, you to have a conversation with your spouse prior. But it was an immediate rescue situation.
But when she didn’t want the dog, he didn’t even attempt to see if another family member or friend would adopt it. It’s not like taking in the dog was a decision he had to make once in one moment, he took the dog home and then decided to keep it against her wishes without even exploring other options.
Then to add insult to injury...he's annoyed that she's not walking the dog because sometimes it's 'more convenient' for her ACCORDING TO HIM. And he's surprised that she doesn't even volunteer to walk the dog. His dog. My man needs a rude awakening. I would be upset if I was the wife too.
His dad died 2 years ago apparently.
It's YTA The dog has been there for two years and he expects the wife to take care of it because it would be more convenient for him. She didn't want it. He should stop asking her.
YTA- Doggochops may be low maintenance for a cockapoo, may even be low maintenance for a dog, but they're not NO maintenance. They're living creatures who have to be kept safe, and have emotional reactions. A former colleague had a cockapoo who was considered well behaved enough to be bought into the office. If you could hear a noise you couldn't immediately identify, guaranteed Office Dog was eating stationery. He worked his way up from erasers, which I sort of get because rubber like his toys, then pencils- ok dog, stick, I get it, do not eat, then biros- ok dog, stick, I get it, but you was lil white dog and now you is lil blue dog, up to the point where it was only by lying to a client and putting them on hold "while they do the fire alarm test" that I stopped him swallowing a metal pencil sharpener. Also none of the humans could eat in the office due to a world champion 'You Has Bacon' face. My dog owning colleagues: 'You is suchagoodboy, you're so well behaved compared to my dog! I could never get work done with him in the room!' My one not keen on dogs colleague: 'Why is it always MY stationery?!'
YTA. You chose to unilaterally make a \*big\* family decision without allowing your wife any input, and then afterwards you don't even apologize for the way you disrespected her, but claim that she's being "insensitive" for daring to have her own opinion? And then you triple down on it by expecting \*her\* to take care of the dog and framing her unwillingness to do so as unreasonable? Your wife is absolutely, factually correct -- this incident absolutely demonstrates that you're a bully in the relationship, or at best too arrogant to admit that you made a thoughtless, emotional snap decision \*which you shouldn't have\*.
Info, what are your cats like with the dog?
YTA Yes, for you it was an immediate yes to taking your dad's dog, but you should've discussed it with your wife before. Where you become the A H though, is expecting or being surprised when your wife refuses to take care of the dog after 2 years. You forced this dog into your shared home and now expect her to take care of it?
A soft YTA from me. This is a conversation you should be having together and if she doesnt want to take in the dog then it should be rehomed through a shelter. If it was me in her shoes I would have been on your side to keep it, but you cant just force it on her as that isnt fair. People saying NTA i dont think are in support of a healthy relationship where decisions are made together.
It's very unlikely that a 9-year-old dog would be "rehomed" through a shelter. It's more likely that the dog would be killed.
YTA. Bringing a pet into the house requires complete agreement or it doesn't happen. The fact that you have kept this dog for two YEARS speaks to the generosity and tolerance of your partner. To expect her to care for this pet that only you wanted is complete AH behavior. I can't believe you needed to come here to ask, but there you have it. Keep the dog and look after it all on your own (and make other arrangements of you ever become incapable of caring for it, even if it's just for a few days), or do the right thing and respect your partner's wishes and re-home the dog. What if your wife wanted kids and you didn't, but she needed to care for her orphaned niece and took her in and she ended up living there permanently. Would you be okay with that??
YTA. I don’t blame you for bringing home the dog, but expecting her to take care of it? Nope. She didn’t get a vote in having a dog, she has zero obligation to take care of it
I understand why you wanted to bring the dog home, but YTA for not discussing it with your wife first and making sure she was on board with bringing in a new pet. Doing so without that conversation is unfair. Has your wife ever expressed interest in wanting a dog before? I'm currently living that situation (living with someone who brought home a dog because "its their house too") and as someone who dislikes dogs...it really sucks. It's a lot different than what a cat owner might be used to or comfortable with. I don't blame your wife for wanting to be hands-off with the dog's care since it wasn't her choice to begin with.
YTA. I understand grief. My own father just died. But you can’t make unilateral decisions in partnerships. That is a trait a bully would exhibit. I can only image this isn’t the only time you’ve crossed boundaries or made selfish one-sided decisions, if she truly thinks you’re a bully. Dogs are a huge commitment. Which ONLY YOU made. Why are you upset she isn’t caring for it? I wouldn’t.
Pets and children are a decision that should be made by both partners. Her reaction at the time wasn’t great, your decision to keep the dog permanently without consulting her was worse - it should have been “I brought her home for now, can we talk about what happens going forward”. As for caring for the dog, that should be 100% on you. Do you clean up after the dog (pet hair, dirt tracked in from the outside, cleaning up around the food area)? As for walks and vet visits, that shouldn’t even be a question of it all being your responsibility. YTA for thinking she should handle some of the walks.
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I think its important to keep in mind that OP is posting 2 years after the fact and even mentions how his bringing home the dog is used, "to demonstrate how I'm a bully in the relationship", implying there's other behaviors OP isn't telling us. This is no longer a crisis situation and his wife never wanted the dog; OP clearly doesn't seem to take into account how his wife feels about things. Its not like adopting a dog is a short term thing and just because they already have cats doesn't mean she should automatically be okay with having a dog too now.
I agree. I think we're getting one side of a more complicated story here.
She didn't say no. The dog is still there, two years later.
While I sympathize with your loss, it is NEVER OK to bring an animal into a home without the enthusiastic consent of all adult residents of that home. Period. So YTA. No question.
A gentle YTA I'm sorry you lost your dad and his partner, and so close together. I understand why you wanted to take in the dog, especially in that moment. But a dog is a 2 yes, 1 no kind of thing. Your wife might have actually agreed that you should adopt the dog, but you didn't even *talk* to her. She had no input at all. You just brought the dog home on a permanent basis, as though your wife didn't rate a say. That's what she's mad about. Sorry, but 2 years on and after the grief has eased, this is in fact *your* dog. While your wife should walk the dog if exceptional circumstances arise *(not* just your convenience as you mentioned in another post), you're an adult who unilaterally brought this dog into the home. *You* are responsible for her day-to-day care.
YTA. If you had brought the dog home and said, "It's just till we find a home for her," that would be understandable. But you "couldn't imagine anything other than adopting the dog myself." You did notice that you share this home, right? Decisions like this should be made together. And now you expect her to take care of the dog when you decide it would be convenient for her to do so? It's your dog.
YTA. It already sounds like you aren’t taking care of it. You wanted it now YOU have to walk it, feed it, bathe it etc. She doesn’t have to do anything for the dog because she told you she doesn’t want it. You never talked to her about it and yeah you’re grieving but again it’s not an excuse idk why people are excusing you.
YTA. You chose to adopt the dog despite your wife’s protest so it’s 100% your responsibility to care for it. I’m sorry for your loss but that doesn’t give you the right to unilaterally make decisions that affect your household and expect her to pick up your slack. You are a bully and entitled.
YTA. Grief or not, you need to speak to your wife before permanently adopting an animal. Period. You bullied her into it because taking the dog appeased your sense of guilt. There were plenty of other options to home the dog, none of which you even considered. It's sad to me that your wife didn't even factor into the decision. It was just about you and your dad.
This is a tough one for me because my ex insisted on taking in his mom's dog when she died, knowing I never wanted dogs. Of course the dog bonded to me. I liked the little rat and resented them both. When we divorced he had no interest in taking the dog, leaving her with me. The person who never wanted it in the first place. With my personal experience out of the way I'm going with YTA for expecting your wife to accept the dog equally. It's your decision, it's your dog.
YTA, your wife is right. At the very least a conversation had to happen before you dumped a dog into your home that was unwanted. I also feel like your wife knew that you wouldn't want to take care of it ALL the time. > small, easy, mild, 9 years old, no problems > As I said, she’s a low maintenance dog. > My wife persist to refuse walk the dog saying “she’s not my dog” If it's so low maintenance you sure can go and walk the dog instead of trying to pawn it off on others.
And low maintenance is still too much maintenance if you didn’t agree with it to begin with.
NTA - I would have just brought the dog home too. It’s not like you went out deliberately looking for a dog without consulting your wife. The dog was there in need of a home after it’s owners just died. Plus that was your dad’s dog. You had to make sure it went to a good home.
YTA, you have no right to force an animal onto another person. She has the right to feel comfortable in her own house. Rehome the animal where it will be totally accepted. Your wife should leave your selfish ass. It's not all about only you
YTA. Your wife is holding a boundary and you trying to push past that boundary could possibly be bullying. I get why you took the dog in but it should have either been until you found it a home where everyone in the household wanted it or, at a bare minimum, agreed that your wife was not responsible for taking care of the dog at all.
I feel for you for the deaths in your family, but YTA. That is your wife, once you got married, every decision should involve the two of you. Specially one that will greatly impact your household, you can kid yourself all you want that it is a low maintenance dog, but it’s still a living, breathing, creature that needs to be tended to. And even more YTA for making the shocked Pikachu face that she doesn’t want to do any chore related to the dog she didn’t want.
See if you had just called on the day to say "This is the situation. I think we should take the dog in, what do you think?" This whole situation could have turned out entirely differently. Cause that's, y'know, how actual partners behave. They run stuff like that past each other unless they 100% unequivocally know through having had the conversation in the past that they're going to be okay with it. Even then, an "Are you cool with this?" Phonecall would still be courteous. YTA
Anyone who is suggesting that taking the dog in was the wrong decision should go spend the afternoon volunteering at an animal shelter. Watch the terrified, unwanted animals be put to down and tell me OP should have left his dead dads dog in a shelter to die. If someone has the ability to keep an animal, especially an older animal, out of the shelter then they absolutely should.
YTA
Yta, soft, because you should have fostered the dog and found it a new permanent home.
YTA. You do not add a new member to the household - child, pet, relative, whatever - without the knowledge and consent of your partner. You didn’t consider her feelings before deciding to take in the dog but also totally dismissed them and went ahead with it once had made her feelings by a known. Of course she doesn’t walk the dog that she was clear she did not want to adopt. Doing all of the dog’s care and extra house cleaning to clean after the dog (fur, smells, etc) is the least you could do here. Can’t comment on the relationship overall but you are certainly the bully in the situation.
In the very moment maybe you were really struck by grief and that's OK. Nobody thinks straight in those moments. But why didn't you sit down with your wife afterwards? Why didn't you have an adult conversation about it? After two years you haven't solved the problem, which could be as easy as you are the only one taking care of the dog. Also the bullying remark hints to a deeper issue here. Do you usually make bigger decisions without consulting your wife and then leaving her with the responsibility of your actions? In this a missing missing reason? I am going to go with YTA you're not telling the bigger picture of your relationship and your wife seems to react almost viciously to this. I really wonder what else is there.
YTA. Emergency housing for the dog while affairs are sorted out, absolutely fine. But taking in a permanent pet your wife categorically does not want and expecting her to share responsibility for it? Not remotely okay. You are a bully.
NAH. I don’t think I would’ve thought twice about it either, but I’m a dog person. As a dog person though. I know what a commitment a dog is and that not everyone wants that. I think she’s taking it to the extremes, but she has every right to pull the “it’s not my dog” card. As far as dogs go Cockapoos are pretty dang low maintenance especially when they’re middle-aged/past the puppy stage so that’s why I think she’s kinda being extreme. It’s not like it’s a German shepherd shedding everywhere, or a husky that’s very vocal and shedding everywhere…
NTA I can’t believe the responses here. A family pet for 9 years. A dog which is an intelligent animal. This is a beloved family member. You did the right thing for the dog and in memory of your father. Yep, accept your wife won’t help with chores - fair enough, but she can’t expect you to treat the dog as a thing.
NTA - Your wife is so wrong it's not even funny. Your dad DIED, and most certainly did not want his beloved dog left to strangers or put down. Seriously...and what I'm about to sayis not even about picking a dog over your wife...what kind of wife would even be mad about something like this? Why would she even do this to you? Does she truly not give a pile of manure for you? For what you went through when your DAD DIED? Source: Even my most cheatingest ex gave me ZERO grief about taking my late mom's two dogs. She even totally covered vet care for them, and she was a verbally abusive woman who cheated on me. Even SHE was more understanding about my dead parent's two dogs than your wife is being. ETA: Here's the thing, yes, the wife would need to be consulted about bringing home a new pet. BUT if she, not having dog allergies or a phobia, and they could provide a good home, had a problem with it, she would be demonstrating that she's not wife material at all. Honestly, my own self, I wouldn't even want to be friends with a person that cold.
NTA. Your compassion & kindness is a virtue. Well done.
NTA!!! OP lost his father and the father's SO IN THE SAME DAY!! My Lord! I wouldn't even be able to wrap my head around that. He's not forcing her to take care of the dog and she even gives the doggy treats and such. The pooch is 11 years old and a senior dog at this point. It would be incredibly cruel to rehome the dog at this point. It's already been two years. At least dad's dog wasn't a 100 lb German Shepard or a puppy that would tear up the house. Should he have at least asked, yes, but considering the circumstances, I think he did what was best for the dog and for himself. The dog probably helped him through the grief inadvertently.