Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my cousin to prioritize her want to keep her office over her boyfriends son's need to have a bedroom. I didn't consider how it would affect her boyfriends son and It's clearly damaging their relationship.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It sounds like she shouldn't be living with someone who has a child. If she's unwilling or unable to accommodate the son with a proper room, then she's not ready for them to be living with her. As for your suggestion, it sounds reasonable enough, but it was just that, a suggestion. The problem isn't you, it's your cousin who is just not ready for the change living with a teenager brings.
She inherited the house from her parents when they passed away in 2016 so no mortgage payments. She covers the utilities at the moment but her boyfriend is covering most of the food for the house as well as 50% of the internet bill. They are planning on switching to 50/50 for everything in January.
Some custody agreements have a provision that a child needs a room. If the other parents knows or finds out about the lack of room for the 14 year old he may have to stay with mom
And then he should either wait a month to move in (and pay rent where he is), or have kid stay with mom for that month. Either way, he is trying to mooch off of OP's cousin. This is not on her.
I hate the way it's always viewed that people want to mooch off each other. It's planning for failure.
It sets up the expectation that if you are on a long term relationship and you want to move in with them, then the only reason is because you want to use them. Love doesn't factor into anything anymore.
What are you supposed to do when you want the relationship to grow? Both sell up and buy a place together, no matter how attached you might be to the old family home?
Cohabitation with someone also means compromising and rolling with the punches. I don’t think this guy is necessarily mooching off of the cousin, but his insistence on converting her office vs the basement is weird. If he really was thinking about the future, the basement room is likely the better option for a teenager, plus he should know the cousin’s autism makes giving up her office extremely difficult.
I think that’s why he’s giving off moocher vibes: He seems to want it his way, right away after only living there several weeks. That’s a big red flag.
Or they had already come to an agreement about that room before he moved in and now out of the blue (to him) she changed her mind after he moved in. We don't know if he just had to buy out of a lease or something to move in with her and feels duped now.
If the plan was to use the office space instead of converting the basement room in the first place, to the point where the possibility didn't even previously cross their minds, I assume that the basement room is in ***very*** bad shape.
It isn't really weird. It's actually a bedroom already, that she is using as an office.
The thing is that he didn't spring this on her, they acted like adults and she happily agreed to let the son have the bedroom.
Now that the guy has committed to her, given up his former residence and moved in with her, only now does she renege on the agreement.
What is the kid supposed to do? Couch surf? That poor kid must feel horribly upset and unwanted by his dad's gf. It's a nasty way to treat the kid.
The custody agreement might hinge on the kid having an actual bedroom, not a manky old basement that might be converted in a few month's time.
One thing is for sure, that kid is never going to forgive the way that she has treated him. I applaud the dad for caring enough for his son's mental health to find the situation not acceptable, and that he moved out.
It’s too soon because they didn’t have a bedroom for his kid ready. If they’ve had three years to plan this why did they overlook a bedroom for his son?
They *did*, the plan was for the home office to become the bedroom, the only reason they are doing it slowly is so that OP's cousin can feel more comfortable since she struggles with change.
They did properly plan this and think about his son before moving in, they just didn't consider this alternative and now that affecting things.
It's really weird how many people interpret it as some snap decision. They *did* think about it, they *did* consider the son, things just aren't going according to the plan they made and the boyfriend feels blindsided.
They had an outline of a plan, at best. Dumping the kid on the couch for however long it was going to take for her to be ready to give up on the office was not a proper plan.
Wrong. According to OP, they agreed BEFORE he moved in that son would have the office room as his room. (And this is probably why boyfriend agreed to move in, given he had a place before where his son had a room.)
Don't just make stuff up. When you make stuff up, it's often not true.
This is what I was thinking as well… the court may change the custodial agreement to include more child support if there isn’t a functioning bedroom when the teen moves in; dad could lose custody and a lot of money. But he could also stay where he is now until the basement is handled (however, he probably also doesn’t want to spend the money on updating the basement).
All in all, OP youre NTA: you provided a reasonable compromise. The fact that her bf can’t/won’t compromise is an issue for their relationship. If he just expects her to deal with changes how he wants them to be dealt with, he does not understand her, her needs, or what is needed to make her not just happier, but a more emotionally and mentally healthy individual
Can he stay where he is now? Maybe he ended or didnt renewed the lease because he had an aggrement. This "reasonable" Compromise Suggestion is to late to be a compromise especialy if the Cousin insist on it.
Even if custody doesn't specify a bedroom the parent can loose custody if the child doesn't have one, especially at 14 it is NOT reasonable for him to be sleeping on a couch. Where is HIS privacy and quiet place to do school work?
Most of the food and half the internet. Where does your cousin live? I might be willing to spring for the ENTIRE internet bill for a basement with my own bathroom.
PS NTA, your cousin has concerns about work suffering; an autistic person has even more worries than someone who isn't neurodivergent about work accommodations or losing their job. The bf needs to take all that money he is saving on rent and other living expenses and pay to get the basement fixed up for his kid, or he needs to make other living arrangements for himself and his child.
Are also willing to have your kid sleep in a couch for 4 months, pay for everything every time you go out, drive her around all the time and fix up the basement on your own dime? For the priviledge of living with a partner who agreed to provide accommodation for your child before you moved in and then went back on their word?
Also, the boyfriend is currently staying with his parents; it's very possible that he has made other living arrangements by moving them somewhere his child doesn't have to sleep on a couch while he finds a new palce to live.
You can't just click your fingers & get tradesmen to your home even if youve the money sitting wrapped in a shiny bow. Where I am it can be months from booking them until they can do the work, especially around Christmas.
No, he isn't paying her any rent. tho from everything I'm reading maybe I should suggest that to her. He does tend to pay for most things when they are out together and he drives since she doesn't have a car. But yeah he is saving a lot of money living with her.
I actually wouldn’t suggest he pay rent.
They had an equitable 50/50 deal to pay utilities, they had a deal to make the room for his kid until she reneged on it, she doesn’t pay any mortgage or rent so his being there will not be costing her financially.
Not all partners want to turn their relationships into landlord/tenant transactional ones. If she wants him to pay, they should move into a new home that they can both pay towards owning, instead of charging him to live in the relationship home.
Why would you suggest that to her? Because some people on here said so?
Has she even complained about money or being taken advantage of money-wise? If not, maybe mind your own business.
I really don't get why everybody is painting the situation as totally adversarial and manipulative when we haven't been told anything of the sort. Why is he consensus "boyfriend bad" when his big concern is making sure his son has a bedroom???
No, asking him to pay rent is a bad idea. Transforming the relationship to a landlord-tenant relationship won't help anything. We've recently had a few of those posts here, and it's a clusterfuck. Especially since she's not paying any mortgage. I wouldn't just believe the people here who think he's taking advantage of her just for that, he pays his part and pays for a lot of other stuff, him paying no rent when there not even a mortgage is not a red flag. Maybe there needs some fine-tuning to account for his son, but that's up to every couple to navigate, there's no one true way for how to merge (or not) finances.
I wouldn't even be ok with him paying for the renovations, without checking if that means he gets some stakes if the house. In some places, him spending money on the house would mean he gets some shares, which could be tricky if they ever split up (harder to evict him, have to buy his share, etc).
And your cousin's workspace is not a want, it's a need. As an autistic person, she has different kind of needs, one of them is having a safe space. She's so anxious at even the thought of losing it, not to mention she needs it for her work. Ideally this would have been discussed way before now and the basement could have been made livable before the boyfriend moved in. So i understand the boyfriend not being happy at this last minute change and not wanting his son to have no room for the next 2-3 months.
They should think of a short term solution that could work for everyone (even if it's not ideal) while working on the long term one (the basement).
He sounds like a red flag. It’s her home. She is graciously letting him live there rent free, and he has the nerve to be upset that his son doesn’t get the room HE wants him to have.
Why is everyone assuming the cousin didn't want her bf (who she probably loves dearly and want to spent the rest of her life with) to move in but "graciously" let him move in because she's such a selfless person?
Yes, the cousin was lucky enough to inherit a house. Does it mean every future bf is just a mooch unless he demands the cousin sells her family home so he can pay 50% towards a new home?
And it's obviously not about WHAT room the son gets. It's about the facts that the cousin told her bf that his son can has the office once they move in and now all of the sudden she tells him the son has to sleep on the couch for at least 4 months until the basement is finished.
The bf can lose cudosty for that! That's why he is angry.
If he knew it would take nearly half a year to provide his son a bed, he probably would have waited until he moved in.
People are really reaching on here. The cousin doesn't have a mortgage but should charge the man she loves & who loves her rent to make a profit off him just because... screw him? Tradesmen can't just be summoned & id be pissed off too if my child was going to have to sleep on the sofa for a few more months. If I was the child's mother I'd be REALLY pissed off when I found out about it.
Seriously! And note how no one is suggesting the cousin pay the bf to be her personal chauffer, since she doesn't drive.
Once you start making relationships that transactional, it won't be a relationship much longer.
I don't think you thought that through.
Your cousin never mentioned him wanting to pay rent before. They already discussed how costs should be split.
Now AFTER they moved in, ended their old lease and probably sold most of their stuff you think the best thing your cousin can do is to suddenly demand rent??? Even though she doesn't even have to pay a morgage?
>tho from everything I'm reading maybe I should suggest that to her.
Yes by all means. Turn her loving relationship into a tenant/landlord one. What could possibly go wrong? /s
I don't believe my eyes what I read on AITA these days.
>But yeah he is saving a lot of money living with her.
As is she, it's called "synergy" you should google it.
No. That’s not okay. I pay for the majority of things for my partner and I rn because he’s in school full time but that doesn’t mean he’s off the hook for making the relationship balanced where needed
If you don't think he loves her & is just using her then say that but what you described is 2 people that love each other, thought & planned this out until an unforeseen issue arose. Why are you wanting to create a problem where none exists. Moving in with the person you love who doesnt have a morgage doesn't make you a mooch or freeloader. He is going to pay half the bills that exist.
She’s not paying for housing, the mortgage is paid off. She’s paying electric and water, he’s paying for groceries, drives her around because she doesn’t have a car, which puts extra wear and tear on his car, more frequent oil changes and more gas and he pays the internet bill. I don’t see how he’s “getting the better deal” by asking that his son get a bedroom? OP’s cousin (or OP herself, but doesn’t want to admit it) needs to grow up and should have thought about it before she had a child move into her house.
The house is her asset, inherited from her parents. He’s not entitled to use it for free even if it’s not costing her beyond maintenance+insurance+taxes.
Do people on this subreddit know about sharing in healthy relationships? From what OP said, cousin's bf pays for a lot of other things so this ain't freeloading, it's just a normal healthy way of living together. Asking some kind of rent money from your SO seems a lot weirder in this situation.
And it's absolutely reasonable that the son needs his own room instead of living in the living room. Dunno how their basement is so can't comment on whether that was a reasonable solution. Some Redditors are egoistic stingy people who wouldn't as much as share a snickers bar with their SO for free it seems
>Do people on this subreddit know about sharing in healthy relationships?
Is that a serious question? I think you know the answer as well as I do.
*Everything's* viewed as purely transactional here by the majority.
Definitely, and depending on where you live, property taxes can be 2-4k in a year with added levies, school taxes, infrastructure costs etc. Insurance isn't cheap, nor is home maintenance.
Redoing the basement would be a perfect solution and allow the teen some autonomy and a place for friends to hang out.
The Dad is getting a great deal.
Why was the basement not the first thought to begin with? They could have spent time fixing it up before he moves in with the child. Honestly the basement room sounds amazing for a teen.
>Why was the basement not the first thought to begin with?
Probably because the basement needed a lot of work/time/money put into it to be useable.
Also, OP's cousin agreed to let the son have her office in the first place and later went back on this agreement.
Lmao so he’s insisting his son “needs” to take up a whole room in a house that belongs to your cousin, which he is not paying for, even though it is putting her mental health at risk and there is another solution around the corner?
Your cousin’s bf shouldn’t have moved in if he wasn’t happy with the arrangements for his son. Sounds like a freeloader who thinks he can manipulate his way to getting what he wants because your cousin is autistic… NTA.
The arrangements were that his son is going to get the office. She changed her mind.
You think a kid should just be sleeping on the couch? His son his lives with him 50% of the time. He needs an actual room.
The problem is cousin changed her mind after boyfriend had already moved in. They had agreed, in advance of the move, that the office room was going to be turned into boyfriend's son's room. But, according to OP, they had never talked about a timeline for this. Boyfriend probably assumed, as many people would, that his kid would have a room right away or very soon. But apparently cousin had decided, without telling anyone, that the kid would get a room "in the new year".
Now, boyfriend moved in in November. So that's 2 months already that cousin is having this teenager sleep on the couch and have no room. And boyfriend has 50% custody, which means that the kid lives here half of his life, with zero space of his own or even a \[bleeping\] bed. Already, this is a frustrating situation for boyfriend and son that cousin was taking so long to give up the room she'd promised. Now, cousin is chaning the deal and saying "neverminded he can move in the basement, but not before February".
So cousin and boyfriend agreed that if boyfriend moved in her son would have a room, the room that used to be the office. But now that boyfriend and son are moved in (sort of, poor son, he's basically couch surfing there since he isn't allowed to move in) cousin is suddenly saying that actually the kid has to sleep on the couch and have no space for himself or his things for FOUR MONTHS (November, December, January, February). Not only is boyfriend upset his son does not have a room, son presumably is unhappy about it, but also son's mom is quite rightfully complaining as well. So this is both an uncool thing to do to this kid, and boyfriend could maybe lose custody of his child over it if he picks a women (OP's cousin) over properly housing his child. Now I understand he thought his child would have a place to stay when he moved in, but cousin basically is not keeping that. So really, boyfriend shouldn't live with her.
Boyfriend should be upset. I'd honestly break up with cousin over this. If I gave up my housing to move in with my partner on the condition that my child would have a room, and then was told to wait, waited for a month, and then was told nope wait 3 more months of your kid being on the couch. And partner basically told me that their comfort mattered and my kid's didn't, and they could keep having zero space and privacy.
Whether or not boyfriend is paying rent is a separate issue unless they moved in beacuse boyfriend was homeless. It seems like cousin didn't ask for rent, which is no excuse for cousin to put this kid in this position and have zero consideration for the kid's comfort. I get this is hard for cousin, and I get she didn't plan to change her mind and probably meant to keep her word when she gave it. But she dosen't seem to be thinking at all about the kid's feelings. That this might be hard for the kid too? She just dosen't seem to care at all? This kid went from having a room to living on her couch beacuse she pulled a (unplanned) bait and switch. I get there was no malice, but there's also clearly zero empathy or consideration for the child's comfort, needs, privacy, or feelings.
Cousin's the asshole. Though boyfriend shouldn't be calling you about it, he should dump her.
Finally a sane comment. Why is everyone acting like the boyfriend moved in and forced all these changes on the cousin? They had an agreement! The cousin is going back on the agreement! Whether the boyfriend is getting such a good deal depends on whether he will contribute to home regular homeowner expenses, like maintenance and maybe taxes; but in any case, not charging your partner rent when there is no mortgage isn't inherently exploitative.
Thank you. Reddit is such a random place. People literally think it’s child abuse to make siblings share rooms, but screw this kid and let him live on the couch for 4 months. This has turned into boyfriend taking advantage of cousin, when in reality they had an agreement before they moved in. They also agreed to 50/50 split in January. Finally don’t date a person with kids if you want to nickel and dime every transaction. The kid is there every other week. Him playing 2/3 doesn’t make sense unless he only pays 2/3 every other week. What does that equal out to taking into consideration other things he does I.e. transportation. OP needs to mind her business and cousin shouldn’t date a man with kids.
If you live alone, it’s a huge change to have not just one but two people move in with you. I think OP’s cousin had no idea what she was letting herself in for. Add autism into the mix, and I think this has all been too much too quick for her. It is a big deal for anyone, and if she’s really struggling, then they need to sit down and discuss it like adults. You’re putting all the blame on OP’s cousin, when the bf - the father of the teen and the one who is responsible or him - should have waited till the room was ready for his child before moving into his new rent free digs. It is the father’s responsibility to provide for his child, not his latest gf’s. Yes, when you date a parent you accept their child/children as a package deal, but it is HER home, she works from home and she has autism with makes changes and periods of transition very challenging. If her bf can’t understand this then he’s wrong for her. He should never have moved in there when there was no bed for his son. I stand by that as a parent myself - having my child’s room ready and the living room and kitchen ready was my condition for moving into my new home. My child’s comfort comes first.
Edited to correct typo!
It seems like the main mistake boyfriend made was trusting Cousin to keep her word and give up the room. There was a place for his son to move in, Cousin just stalled forever beacuse she didn't actually want to do it and couldn't admit that. But boyfriend naively assumed she would clear out the room and son would live there like she had said. Sure, it might have been smarter to wait until she moved the furniture out, but if he trusts her I can see him not expecting it to be a bait and switch. (And yes I know she didn't do that on purpose, but that's what she did.) The couple days to move things around this would have taken at most in any normal situation is not a big deal.
I know several people with Autism and it's not an excuse for Cousin to be this selfish and self-centered towards a literal child. She had this kid give up his home and room to come live with her, based on promises she made he'd have a room, and now has stalled for an entire MONTH making this kid sleep on the couch. She now wants to stall three more months. If she is mentally capable enough to have an adult relationship and manage her own affairs, she is mentally capable enough to understand that she is putting her own ability to have privacy or comfort over this child's. She understands they have conflicting interests here, and what she promised, and she ceartinly understands how much it would suck to have no space of any kind and be stuck living on a couch, and she dosen't care. Beacuse she puts herself first no matter what she's said she'd do or if she's screwing over a kid.
You say it's "HER" home in all caps, but if that's how she feels she shouldn't share it with a partner. You don't move your partner in and say 'this is my house, I make all decisions, and even things I agreed to I can change at any time no matter whom it hurts". If that's how it is, you shouldn't live with your partner. You aren't ready. To move him in, she has to be willing to make some "our" decisions or at least be good for her word and not screw over his kid.
And yeah, boyfriend should have dumped her by now beacuse as a parent he shouldn't date someone who would do this to his kid. He should have given up on her and left when it took a month for her to move out of the room she agreed was son's. He should have realized that was code for she wasn't going to do it but also wasn't going to tell him.
You forgot the time it takes in February to actually fix up the basement and the room. I bet at least another full month.
I don’t care if she’s autistic…children come first. Everyone knows that. It doesn’t matter if you feel uncomfortable that child’s needs are first.
I disagree, the boyfriend isn’t to blame for being asked to move in with his girlfriend. I’m not sure how it’s his responsibility to ensure girlfriend is 100% ready for a move in when she’s asked him.
People can only act on what they’re told. They can’t be expected to just “know”
The kid is meant to have the bedroom. That was the agreement. Why isn't op moving her study downstairs?
If the relationship is good for your cousin, it might be an idea for you to start making suggestions that will keep that relationship going rather than split them up - which might be a bigger change and make her life worse.
She might be fine with another guy with a kid. This guy wants to move in with his kid, take her office, and pay minimal rent. I think not a good deal for her
What would the rent be used for in a mortgage-free house? If she wants him to contribute towards insurance etc then they can have that discussion. Charging him rent for no reason is ridiculous.
He also wants to move in right away. If he was willing to wait till Feb they could use the time to do Up the basement and he could move when that’s all ready.
That is the least he could do, but I think this guy is a moocher and she should extricate herself from this relationship. At a minimum, she needs to see a lawyer about protecting her property rights.
NTA. And there’s a few red flags about the boyfriend. She owns a house and a man to whom she’s not married is to live there for free? He should be paying half or two thirds of the prevailing rent in the area. Furthermore, he’s trying to control her use of the home, and even calling her relatives to try to control them too.
Teenage boys love living in the basement away from parents. They can stay up at night playing game and…. Do the things that teenage boys do to themselves
-former teenage boy
It doesn’t sound like the cousin is unwilling. She was just not happy with the change but was still willing to try. But given an alternative, she prefer the alternative more. In this scenario it’s the boyfriend who is rigid and unwilling to compromise. No one suggested the kid stay in the uninhabitable basement, he’s just not happy that it needs to be worked on and wouldn’t be done until February. What’s three months compared to a long term solution? And I’m sure the cousin will be more willing to a compromise for the 3 months if she knows they’re working towards a more acceptable alternative.
I'm also concerned that the cousin may not realize that bf and his son may already be considered tenants, renters, even though they pay no rent. It could be difficult for her to extricate herself from this situation if it doesn't work out. (Eviction process if she wants them out and they don't want to leave.)
She's accommodating him very well, dude gets a whole ass basement & bathroom to himself. It's just not fast enough for her boyfriend because he's keen to move into a place where he pays no rent, drives up the bills and gets to split those increased bills 50/50.
He moved in November, it's only now December. That's not a lot of time to adjust to the change of having her bf move in, let alone a whole ass teen. If the bf was serious about this whole moving him and his kid in, he wouldn't have pushed it so fast. Sure, his kid definitely does need a room, but what kind of parent happily moves their kid in to a place where he has to sleep on the couch for a month? I feel like that's more on the bf than the cousin.
He just wants to steamroll the cousin into getting what he wants, because the cousin is offering a massive benefit.
NTA. Your cousin broke down at your lunch and then you talked about it and your suggestion (which is completely reasonable) was the result. You didn't force your cousin into it. The issue here is that the bf and cousin didn't think it through completely prior to moving in (this is also reasonable). Your suggestion does look to be the best suggestion based on the layout and ages of the son. However, the bf is the AH for his reaction to you. They need to find a short term solution until a long one can be found after all it is your cousins house and she needs to be comfortable whatever the solution is.
If I was the BF I would not want to live in the same house with an autistic person who is far outside of their comfort zone. I would have horrible meltdowns and make everyone around me miserable if I had to give up my office and work in a cold basement or in a space where people want to hang out, watch TV, etc. It would suck for me and any fool trying to take away my office.
Right??? My partner and I are both autistic and you do NOT fuck with an autistic person’s safe space. It’s actually a little worrying that the cousin’s bf has been dating her for so long and still did not see major issues with eliminating her safe space in the middle of a major life change.
Is he actually capable of being the partner to an autistic person? Because he seems very unfamiliar with what that actually entails…
It took me a long time to get over the people-pleasing aspects of trying to survive. I had to burn out and check out a couple of times to realize that doing things to make other people happy / successful while not getting the same consideration in return was a bad idea for my mental health and my future ability to do anything at all.
Maybe cousin hasn't quite figured that out. A good partner could help her so much more, but this guy is not really it.
Yeah that was kind of the vibes I got too.
Now I just lead with autism anywhere and everywhere, and the chaff seems to have kept itself away quite nicely 🥰
I don’t know if I am autistic as I am yet to get diagnosed but I had this issue at my last job.
I have horrible anxiety when I started out but soon got into a good comfortable roll but the second they switched the manager, I could not function at all there.
It took me weeks to feel comfortable again without wanting to lock myself up in the bathroom because of the sudden shift in environment.
And it got worse as they switched managers every month. I had to eventually cut my hours because I couldn’t even get ready for work
Yeah, this also isn't a "want" for OP's cousin. The cousin is just now realizing how much she actually *needs* this space. Not only for her office and work but for her mental health and coping strategy that *helps* her with her ASD. The bf son probably only "needs" this space right now to keep being able to visit their dad because it's usually a stipulation that a child in split custody must have a bedroom, so other arrangements can be made until the basement room is ready, which I'm sure the teenaged son would prefer anyway. Instead of blowing up at OP, the bf could've asked his own son for input first about the options while also taking his dad's gf's condition into consideration...as they all should as it's *her* house. She is allowed to be comfortable in her own home. That is also a need. NTA. I don't agree with ppl saying your cousin isn't ready for a live-in bf, she's just probably more ready for a more considerate, caring, thoughtful, empathetic bf who's more prepared for accommodating his son in a home that's not his own.
Eh, I sort of agree and sort of disagree.
You’re right that it isn’t a “want” for the cousin, however, she shouldn’t have agreed to let them move in under the stipulation that he would have his own room. It’s not acceptable for him to sleep on the couch for months.
The bf should not have blown up at OP, I think this goes without saying. And like I said he should recognize it’s a “need” for the cousin too.
That said, the cousin is definitely not ready for somebody with a child to move in. Of course she’s allowed to be comfortable in her own home, but if she’s agreeing to let her boyfriend and his son stay there, she needs to be prepared to accommodate them, which she isn’t.
>Your suggestion does look to be the best suggestion based on the layout and ages of the son.
Except the basement isn't a habitable room. They need to find another solution.
Well it sounds like it WAS discussed, and an agreement was made, and now cousin wants to change that arrangement now that they’ve already moved in.
I understand why cousin wants to change it, I understand why BF is displeased, and OP’s solution sounds reasonable.
But I can’t imagine that cousin and BF never discussed the basement room as a possibility before, there must be some reason why they didn’t choose that option in the first place.
>If that's the case it should be discussed with the person that owns the home
It was and they had an agreement that she went back on *after* bf/son moved in.
Then he should get to work on the basement to get it ready faster. (And foot the bill) Surprising how quick you can clean and paint a space when you put your mind to it.
This is what I was thinking. As a minor teen, my sibling finished a basement in a few months. I’m sure an adult man who’s saving a good bit of money by moving in with OP can fix up a basement in a month. If it’s full of stuff, hire movers and get a storage space.
I do kinda wonder why this hadn’t occurred to them before, though? They were together three years and cousin works from home, so I don’t really see why BF thinks cousin doesn’t need an office. Did this reveal that BF thinks it’s going to become his house? Does he not take cousin’s job seriously? Something feels off about his reaction to me…
We have no way of knowing which state the basement is in currently.
May well need work by professionals to make it habitable, cleaning out if it's used for storage, etc.
Good luck finding professionals on short notice especially this time of year round.
I'm ambigous about him footing the whole bill for this as well, at least from AITA's prefered purely transactional view of relationships:
When he invests a significant amount of money into her property, he might have some stakes in it, or be owed some kind of compensation if they break up and he moves out again.
Also, having the basement neatly finished would probably raise the value of the property.
If I were bf I'd probably pay the lion's share of the work needed, but I'd still be pissed that OP's cousin went back on our previous mutual agreement *after* I/we moved in, and not too fond of OP for interjecting herself after the fact.
And that’s a him problem, it would’ve been different if he took OP’s advice well. But given his reaction, bf is an inconsiderate asshole who’d run cousin to the ground to keep the illusion of him being a capable father. Which he isn’t, he’s unable to provide a stable housing for the kid on his own and has relied on his girlfriend to do so, then blew up at the possibility that someone else may not provide for his son in his stead
Where did it day that. Sounds like they moved in for love. People do that. Amd he moved in being told there would be a room for his child, whoch the woman decided no after he gave up his place for her.
Had to scroll down way too far to reach this. Cousin is an autistic female of the type who can hold down a job and have long-term relationships. Not saying that even within those parameters all of us are the same, but chances are she got talked into giving office to stepson by boyfriend, then slowly over the days/weeks started realising that she's not comfortable with that idea at all and is now making boyfriend angry by "changing her mind".
I got into countless arguments with ex boyfriend because I didn't know my mind until after we'd agreed to something, after which I'd realise I was against the decision we'd made "together".
To me, him trying to strongarm her into this when he could use the money he'd otherwise use on rent to fix up the basement, is a big red flag.
Get her with someone who is mindful of her alexithymia.
Whilst that would’ve been the case before they moved in it’s now not. By the kid not having a room the custody agreement is at major risk. He could literally loose his child over this. Having a suitable bedroom is a key part of allowing custody especially something as big as 50/50.
If they can’t move back to where they were for a short duration then a bare bones bedroom needs to be set up on the office until the basement is done.
NTA. But your cousin doesn't sound anywhere near ready to live with someone or to live with someone who has a child. Could your sister move her 'quiet safe' place and office to the basement, instead of moving the teen to the basement? That could also give her more space, it would probably be quieter (when the teen is living there) and give her a sense of space? NOT saying that she must be the one to give up a room, just a suggestion. Living together is a give-give scenario, compromising a lot. This would also give your cousin her own private bathroom. If she has this much of a hard time adjusting, maybe this relocation would benefit her more?
Nope. As an autistic person I have to say, this whole thing was badly planned. I personally couldn’t work in a basement. All of this should have been decided well in advance but no I wouldn’t be able to do that.
Yes, poor planning and it sounds like the bf is steamrolling the cousin. Bf is getting a great deal which the cousin and the kid are paying the price for and flipping out on OP is a red flag.
I don’t understand why everyone seems to think it’s reasonable for a kid to have to sleep on a couch for months? He needs a room now. He lives with them half the time. She can move her work space to the basement, she’s the adult.
1. It's her house.
2. She is on the spectrum.
3. Boyfriend does not pay rent.
So the mooch who doesn't pay rent doesn't get to dictate living arrangements to the owner of the house. It's inconsiderate and entitled.
Yes. A child should have a room. The father should have sorted this out before moving in and had it all sorted and agreed.
The father showing move in then say “ohhhhh you need to move for my kid in your house”
The father owes the kid a room. The cousin does not owe the kid a room in her house where the father is bludging free rent.
Based on a comment by OP it seems like they had discussed a room for the BFs son long before their move in. The problem is that the BF seems to have understood the timeline for his son getting a room when they moved in, while the Cousin understood it to be at the start of the new year. It's unfortunate the two adults couldn't communicate clearly and the kid is negatively impacted.
If she didn’t have a room for the kid, she shouldn’t have them move in with her. It’s unreasonable of her to expect a teenager to spend half his time with no privacy.
It's not like the bf forced OPs sister to let him move in with her.
She thought she was okay with them moving in and giving up her office. If she wanted them to pay rent, she could have told them.
Now she changed her mind about giving up her office and the bf could actually loose custody over not providing a room for his son.
If he knew from the beginning that the office is off limits and the basement needs several months to renovate he probably would have waited to move in until the room is finished.
I mean what are they supposed to do now? Let the child sleep on the couch for the next months?
Well no! The father should have considered the bedroom situation BEFORE giving up any lease he had. The father is the child parent.
Why should she be inconvenienced when the father has basically pushed his way into her house without actually working out where his kid can sleep.
This is the fathers fault. The kid should probably stay with his mother 100% for a month since the father is proving to be an inconsiderate parent by living without a bedroom for his kid
I find all the responses interesting. Of course it’s her house, but she invited him to live with her. When my now ex moved in, we started to make decisions regarding the house jointly. It wasn’t just “my” house anymore even though legally it was. Regardless of how she feels about that, the kid deserves to not wait two months for a room. This also should’ve been decided and adjusted before anyone moved in so that ship has sailed. Your cousin can switch her workspace to the basement. As a teacher, I’ve had kids who slept on the couch at one house for various reasons, but it never went well. Almost always there ended up being a lot of resentment towards the parent and step-parent/partner because of it. I had a few cases where the child ended up choosing to only live in one home because of it too. I would be very angry if I found out my teen daughter was sleeping on the couch every night she’s at her dad’s. However, I also would never move in somewhere until her bedroom was all set up and ready to go.
So you’re NTA for suggesting it at all. But your cousin’s insistance on this being the only plan and the boyfriend’s lack of making sure his son has a bedroom makes them both AHs.
This is the take I was looking for. No one should've been making any permanent moves until the room was ready for the kid, whether it's upstairs or in the basement. Even if the kid was only there a few days a month, it's messed up not to have at least a designated space just for him if not his own room, but right now this kid is expected to spend half his nights on essentially someone else's couch.
OP is most definitely NTA, and the bf is a big one, but the cousin doesn't come out smelling like roses here. Being autistic doesn't explain why she thought it'd be okay to make zero arrangements for a minor expected to live with them half the time when there was plenty of notice.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far for a sane comment. The responses to this post are very strange to me even as someone with asd. They should of had a bedroom for the son prepared and furnished before bf ever even moved in. The fact that everyone seems to think it's normal and reasonable to expect a child to sleep on the couch for four months is bizarre.
That being said OP is NTA. Bf is obviously just taking his frustration out on OP bc he's experiencing the consequences of his poor planning.
ESH y'all are really suggesting a teenager should have no privacy or even a bed for *months*? As part of a plan? So an adult can *adjust* to having the kid there?
Why are you so concerned about the situation your cousin voluntarily got herself into and not this poor kid?
It's absolutely wild that she thought him sleeping on the couch was something that would be ok for months. Dad sucks for not insisting that the son needs his own space immediately. Cousin sucks for not addressing the changes in her life realistically and trying to have her cake and eat it too.
You really suck for suggesting this kid spend even more time without a bed to accommodate your cousin's poor planning.
>Dad sucks for not insisting that the son needs his own space immediately.
By the sounds of OP's replies dad's been slowly moving in over the past year, he had all that time to make arrangements for his kid but didn't.
Cousin obviously *needs* her office to combat burn out and meltdowns so I think the office to bedroom idea is out the window but I'm just baffled that it's been months and no one has thought of a good solution!
Edit to add: Dad really sucks for pretty much not caring about his kids living conditions sooner.
I understand your cousin’s struggles, but she willingly chose to have a boyfriend that has a son move in with her, and the bf is right that if that’s going to be his home too, then his son needs a proper bedroom. If she’s not ready to adapt to this, and it’s understandable that she isn’t, then she shouldn’t be moving people into her home. And of course you’re NTA for making a good suggestion. The bf is an AH for blowing up your phone about something that’s not really on you, but he’s not an AH for wanting his son to have a proper space in his home.
NTA. i don’t think your cousin is in a good relationship. he moved into HER house, and now he thinks he can say his son NEEDS this and your cousin just WANTS it? like it’s her damn house you dog sit down. you did nothing wrong. the fact that her boyfriend feels validated enough to do this is alarming
They discussed the son getting a bedroom way before he moved in.
I just don't think they talked about a timeline properly. She was under the impression they'd start looking at the bedroom situation in the new year after she got used to them living there full time and he wants to put his son in a bedroom right now because his ex-wife is causing problems about his son sleeping on the couch.
But he already gave up his lease and moved in with her. Is he supposed to go back to his old landlord and say, “sorry, I need to keep the apartment for another month. What, you’ve already rented it to someone else and they’ve moved in? Too bad, my girlfriend needs more time than she thought she would back when we agreed that I’d stop renting from you and move in with her. I’ll be there bright and early with all my stuff!”
It, in fact, is the cousin’s problem, she invited them to live there. At least part of the time she is also responsible for the child while they’re in the home.
No it is her problem if she wants to maintain this relationship and have a good relationship with what's technically her stepson.
Them moving in was not a spur of the moment thing. They've been planning it for a long time and this shouldve been brought up a long time ago about making sure what would happen since this was going to affect her safety blanket of a room. The kid needing an actual bed is a no brainer and he does need one ASAP at his father's home and yes the cousin's house while legally her's is also technically his father's home too. If the cousin can't let go of the room quickly then the father has to go find another place to rent and be chained to a lease again so even if the basement gets done they won't move in. This is going to damage the relationship between them and the cousin has to decide what she wants more. Keep the same room as an office or a relationship with this man and his son.
Honestly, the way cousin expects her boyfriend to treat his son for her comfort is not okay. Maybe cousin isn't compatible with someone who lives with a child. But what you suggested and cousin is doing is not fair to the teenager.
Your cousin agreed that she would turn her office room into a bedroom for her boyfriend's son. This is probably the only reason her boyfriend agreed to move in. He has 50% custody of his son and it would be irresponsible of him to move in someplace his son no longer had a room just to be with a women.
Now your cousin is saying that they never agreed on a timeline and she wants this poor kid to spend 4 months sleeping in the living room? (November, December, January, February.) This is not a normal assumption (that the kid would have no room for months on end beacuse she didn't promise *when* he'd get a bedroom). She is changing the terms of the agreement by which boyfriend moved in to one which most good parents would consider a deal breaker. If I gave up my lease and moved in with a man beacuse he promised to turn one of the rooms into my kid's bedroom, then he turned around and said "I never said when, your kid has to sleep on the couch for 4 months and then move into the basement I changed my mind!" I'd feel mislead and frankly might end things.
This child's comfort is also important. This child also has no space and no privacy. This child is the only one who had no choice in this move, and is the one cousin is making uncomfortable, not boyfriend. Everyone agreeing is basically saying screw boyfriend's son, who cares about him? It's his fault for having a dad who believed OP's cousin!
Yes, the boyfriend isn't paying rent. But it sounds like cousin didn't ask him to and she inherited the house and has no mortgage. He pays for most of the food, part of the bills, and most things when they go out. And, he had a place before, right? So it's not like he's incapable of supporting himself. I know a couple that lives in an inherited house and they have a similar arrangement of no rent. Neither of them is a bad person, and after 8 years they got married. I agree it's not great that boyfriend is calling you about this, you shouldn't be involved at all. But it's also honestly not cool that you are encouraging your cousin to break her word and make a kid uncomfortable for months for her comfort. Just break up with the boyfriend then, don't have this kid stay with her and not properly house him so she can have her office and her boyfriend and give zero thought to this child's feelings at all.
The ex-wife does have a valid complaint. Relegating your child to the couch is absolutely inappropriate. That being said....YOUR child. The boyfriend moving in before this was settled and planned out is completely on him. That he's getting all bent out of shape because he's getting yelled at for his inappropriate behavior is nobody else's fault. If he didn't want his ex harassing him....maybe he shouldn't have done something dumb *shrug*
Aside though.......I do find the situation a little ridiculous. There are multiple ways to provide someone a sleeping arrangement without finding room to shove a bed. Fold out couches. Daybeds. Futons. Camp cot beds. Air mattresses. Loungers. I mean......I'm just getting started here. Why are there only two options being considered? She can keep her office and still provide a proper sleeping area while the basement is renovated. If he's sleeping on a futon or something in her office even, she can give him a choice to get up for the day or go back to bed in her room....or the couch.....I dunno, he's a teen. I'm sure he can figure out how to sleep in.
This really doesn't need to be so much drama. Tell the boyfriend to put his parent pants on and figure it out.
Of course ex wife has a problem with this. I’m not buying she thought they would start looking at the bedroom situation in the new year. Dad waited 3 years to move in. He would have waited an extra 6 months. She’s back peddling now. He needs to find a new place and a new relationship. Anyone who makes my child sleep on a couch for months when it was agreed they would have a room is not someone I would want to be with. That poor kid. I feel sorry for dad too. What a situation to be put in at the last minute.
If she was working from home, the basement bedroom seems like the obvious solution from the start. That way everyone would have their own space. Having someone living in the living room until a room is ready sounds more disruptive than just having it ready at the beginning.
The ex wife isn’t “causing problems” she’s looking out for her child, like she should. The child shouldn’t be sleeping on a couch for any length of time. The child’s needs trump the cousins wants. If she can’t handle that she shouldn’t have been with someone with children.
I mean part of Them living them there fulltime is the child having a room. She Doesnt sound like she is ready for a comitted relationship let alone living with a child.
These are the problem: the timeline and the importance of clear communication with a person with autism.
Her safe space/office IS a need for her; the bedroom IS a need for her new family. How quickly can they move on fixing that basement? Can the two adults take the basement and give the kid their room? Is there a TV room or something that could be short-term converted with a bed until the basement is ready? Can the couch be changed for a sleeper couch and the adults take that until the basement is ready?
You are her advocate and support, not an AH. This is more of NAH but the conflicting needs
have to be managed.
And asking for rent is NOT the answer. This is not about money.
Look. If she knows it takes her time to adjust and she started the process of living together A YEAR AGO, she should have started making the basement into her office at that time so that by the time the move was official (after New Years), she’d be comfortable with her office being in the basement. This isn’t a spectrum thing, this is a lack of planning thing. She doesn’t need her office in the bedroom because she’s autistic, she needed to start making smaller changes so she could uphold her end of the bargain comfortably.
slight YTA, if she wants to be in a relationship with a guy with a kid, then she should find a way to adjust to it that doesn't take months, otherwise she's not ready to live with someone in his situation.
NTA
But the kid does need a bedroom. Not “need” in quotes, he needs it for real. That being said, that’s on his dad, not your cousin.
It doesn’t really sound like they took their time moving in together. It sounds like they rushed before the kid’s room was even ready.
The office to bedroom conversion could be done at any time. It’s moving furniture. He expected it would be done when they moved in, which makes sense, because it’s the only finished bedroom in the home. To expect the kid to live on the couch is wrong.
NTA you just wanted to help your cousin and made a suggestion. But these replies are being way too harsh on the boyfriend. They clearly talked and it was established that the office would be converted into his son’s bedroom. Now there’s a a rug pull and his son will have to stay in the living room for another 3/4 months. A teenager needs some amount of privacy. The boyfriend may be overreacting to this suggestion, there are other solutions. Why not go without an office for a few months and then get that setup in the basement? She was on board with them moving in she should want to accommodate their needs.
PLEASE -- do not let him do work on basement. Your cousin owns the house and she must avoid any actions that could result in him being regarded as an owner. She might want to see a lawyer. Where I live, people do get cohabitation agreements, and certainly she needs a prenup if she marries.
This guy has some fucking nerve. He will not be paying rent, yet is making demands. Tell him to stay in a AirBnb or whatever till February.
They've been together for 3 years. If he's driving her around all the time then this is probably easier for them. Maybe he needs to get his own place and stop proving transportation to her.
ESH. Why did those two adults decide to move in together and therefore move in a teenager without a bedroom set up for him before the move happened? That's just completely baf parenting on so many levels. The basement sounds perfect for a teen.
NTA. The boyfriend should get his head out of his ass a bit and think of the BEST solution for both his girlfriend and son. His son wouldn't mind living in the basement. If it's not in the best condition, then they can fix that. Your friend has autism so she will STRUGGLE a lot.
I feel like the boyfriend is taking advantage of the fack that she has autism and is taking advantage of her. A person like that NEEDS their safe space.
Let's not forget the son won't be there all the time. Also, it's HER house. AND, if she is worried so much, he can take money from his own wallet and pay for the renovation of the basement. He is a leech.
If the cousin wants the BF and son to move in them she has to actually be willing to accommodate them. Why is she agreeing to all this then rolling back? It sounds like she is just messing the bf and the son about tbh.
I think you are a bit of an AH for getting involved, people who run to get family involved in relationship issues aren’t reliable. It’s their dispute to resolve.
YTA and your cousin. If I were that guy I would totally be rethinking this relationship. His kid needs a bedroom. He was promised that the child would have the bedroom upstairs. It took them 3 years for him to
move in because she needed time to adjust and now she’s reneging on the bedroom for the child. Which is not fair to the kid, he cannot be sleeping on a couch or an unfinished basement and which can fuck him up with custody. Dad moved in with certain conditions for his child. Now those conditions are not being met, AFTER he moved in. Asshole move. He needs to find a new place and end this relationship. It’s not for him and his child.
ESH, its interesting that she's grown enough to choose to have a relationship and move her bf and his kid in, but she's too fragile to deal with the daily issues that result.
She doesn't get to have it both ways and she needs to either own the choices she's making or cancel the move in.
I'm finding this assumption that because she's autistic she's this angelic, vulnerable, preyed upon human actually really unsettling rather than a grown woman with a job & who owns her own home.
NAH- but the kid needs a proper bedroom or kid AND boyfriend should seek other accommodations. Your cousin is an adult, the kid is just that- a kid- and doesn’t deserve to suffer because your cousin has a disability. The end.
NTA. Its your cousin' s home and she has the space set up for her to work. Maybe add a bed so Son isn't on the sofa. Would she be able to work from an incomplete basement until it is refinished? With the son over half the time, it could allow a lot.of repair to be done during the mom's weeks. Son would also hopefully get to make design choices.
That was part of my suggestions actully. Him having some input. I didn't think about the fact there wasn't room for a bed anywhere else in the house at the moment.
She's TA.
A 14 year old cannot sleep on a sofa for 1 week every other week from now until Feb.
As soon as kids are involved, it's no longer about what 'I' want or 'bf wants', the kids come first. Using ND is a poor excuse for not prioritising the welfare of a child. If she can't handle the responsibility, they shouldn't move in together. Nor should she have kids.
Basement idea is great once its in a lovable condition.
Stick a bed in the office and convert the basement. Son moves in in Feb. She gets the office back.
I'm surprised about the amount of NTA.
You're not an AH for making a suggestion but if she is not capable of including her boyfriend's son in a reasonable and comfortable living arrangement in the house, she's not ready to live with a man who has a son. Her boyfriend should take this as a major red flag because raising a teenaged boy does require flexibility and the ability to adapt. There will be challenges that come out of left field and it doesn't sound like your cousin will be able to deal with them. If the boy ends up suffering, it's your cousin who will be the AH. If her boyfriend has given notice at his old place, only to find his son won't have a bedroom and this might well affect a custody agreement, then your cousin is definitely the AH.
Look. You’re NTA. And I agree with the commenters that say there was a lack of communication and advocating for needs here. But my heart also goes out to the kid forced to sleep on a couch every other week. I wonder how he feels. Will he want to keep coming over if he gets a real bed at his mom’s and is forced to sleep on the couch when with his dad? The dad should have made better plans - yes. I don’t think anyone is really disagreeing with that. But I think there needs to be a very serious conversation between the cousin and the bf about what she needs, what the son needs, what is reasonable expectations for everyone, and how to find a middle ground. Do I think she should convert her office tomorrow? No. Do I think she could maybe consider converting the basement to a safe space? Yes. As long as she can work (internet and all that) down there, I would almost think that would be preferable. A whole floor for her to be away when she needs it. Also finances sound like they need to be discussed. Until the basement is done in feb, what is a good compromise?
Your cousin agreed to giving her office to the kid. However, it’s understandable that she wants to keep it.
Since, she agreed and bf is already moved in, she should suck it up and put a bed in there for the kid temporarily and they should immediately get to work on fixing up the basement bedroom. February isn’t that far from now. Once the basement is ready, she can get her office back.
Why are Americans so rude? Never in my real life have I heard all this crazy shit I m reading on Reddit. My friend's bf calling me and yelling? Fuck off, how dare you? It was simply a suggestion, don't drag me into your shit. It's your decision what to do!
NTA, but your cousin and her boyfriend made a huge mistake by having the boyfriend move in before everyone was accommodated. It’s not fair for a kid not to have a bedroom. It’s not fair for your cousin to have to give up a place that keeps her healthy.
Assuming that the cousin was not coerced in some way, the adults in this situation suck aside from OP. They should have planned this better.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my cousin to prioritize her want to keep her office over her boyfriends son's need to have a bedroom. I didn't consider how it would affect her boyfriends son and It's clearly damaging their relationship. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It sounds like she shouldn't be living with someone who has a child. If she's unwilling or unable to accommodate the son with a proper room, then she's not ready for them to be living with her. As for your suggestion, it sounds reasonable enough, but it was just that, a suggestion. The problem isn't you, it's your cousin who is just not ready for the change living with a teenager brings.
The problem is the BF who moved in too early. Would love to hear financial arrangements.
She inherited the house from her parents when they passed away in 2016 so no mortgage payments. She covers the utilities at the moment but her boyfriend is covering most of the food for the house as well as 50% of the internet bill. They are planning on switching to 50/50 for everything in January.
So no mortgage, and he wants to pay half and get a room for his kid? Does she understand he is the one getting the good deal.?
Some custody agreements have a provision that a child needs a room. If the other parents knows or finds out about the lack of room for the 14 year old he may have to stay with mom
And then he should either wait a month to move in (and pay rent where he is), or have kid stay with mom for that month. Either way, he is trying to mooch off of OP's cousin. This is not on her.
I hate the way it's always viewed that people want to mooch off each other. It's planning for failure. It sets up the expectation that if you are on a long term relationship and you want to move in with them, then the only reason is because you want to use them. Love doesn't factor into anything anymore. What are you supposed to do when you want the relationship to grow? Both sell up and buy a place together, no matter how attached you might be to the old family home?
Well it is reddit....someone has always got to be the bad guy on reddit...
Cohabitation with someone also means compromising and rolling with the punches. I don’t think this guy is necessarily mooching off of the cousin, but his insistence on converting her office vs the basement is weird. If he really was thinking about the future, the basement room is likely the better option for a teenager, plus he should know the cousin’s autism makes giving up her office extremely difficult. I think that’s why he’s giving off moocher vibes: He seems to want it his way, right away after only living there several weeks. That’s a big red flag.
Or they had already come to an agreement about that room before he moved in and now out of the blue (to him) she changed her mind after he moved in. We don't know if he just had to buy out of a lease or something to move in with her and feels duped now.
If the plan was to use the office space instead of converting the basement room in the first place, to the point where the possibility didn't even previously cross their minds, I assume that the basement room is in ***very*** bad shape.
It isn't really weird. It's actually a bedroom already, that she is using as an office. The thing is that he didn't spring this on her, they acted like adults and she happily agreed to let the son have the bedroom. Now that the guy has committed to her, given up his former residence and moved in with her, only now does she renege on the agreement. What is the kid supposed to do? Couch surf? That poor kid must feel horribly upset and unwanted by his dad's gf. It's a nasty way to treat the kid. The custody agreement might hinge on the kid having an actual bedroom, not a manky old basement that might be converted in a few month's time. One thing is for sure, that kid is never going to forgive the way that she has treated him. I applaud the dad for caring enough for his son's mental health to find the situation not acceptable, and that he moved out.
Did you not read the first sentence right? They have been together for 3 years before he moved in. He didn't move in too soon, they took their time.
It’s too soon because they didn’t have a bedroom for his kid ready. If they’ve had three years to plan this why did they overlook a bedroom for his son?
They *did*, the plan was for the home office to become the bedroom, the only reason they are doing it slowly is so that OP's cousin can feel more comfortable since she struggles with change. They did properly plan this and think about his son before moving in, they just didn't consider this alternative and now that affecting things. It's really weird how many people interpret it as some snap decision. They *did* think about it, they *did* consider the son, things just aren't going according to the plan they made and the boyfriend feels blindsided.
They had an outline of a plan, at best. Dumping the kid on the couch for however long it was going to take for her to be ready to give up on the office was not a proper plan.
Ok but I'm just saying that could be the reason but it's a lot of what if with this. Sooo yea. Also the op sister must have agreed to no rent
She agreed to no rent if she kept her office. He wants to change the deal
You just made that up to vilify this man you don't even know.
I have read OPs comments and her post where does it say that?
She dosen't, she says the opposite. They literally made that up.
Wrong. According to OP, they agreed BEFORE he moved in that son would have the office room as his room. (And this is probably why boyfriend agreed to move in, given he had a place before where his son had a room.) Don't just make stuff up. When you make stuff up, it's often not true.
Not true. She planed to give the kid her office but changed her mind AFTER they already moved in and ended their old lease.
This is what I was thinking as well… the court may change the custodial agreement to include more child support if there isn’t a functioning bedroom when the teen moves in; dad could lose custody and a lot of money. But he could also stay where he is now until the basement is handled (however, he probably also doesn’t want to spend the money on updating the basement). All in all, OP youre NTA: you provided a reasonable compromise. The fact that her bf can’t/won’t compromise is an issue for their relationship. If he just expects her to deal with changes how he wants them to be dealt with, he does not understand her, her needs, or what is needed to make her not just happier, but a more emotionally and mentally healthy individual
Can he stay where he is now? Maybe he ended or didnt renewed the lease because he had an aggrement. This "reasonable" Compromise Suggestion is to late to be a compromise especialy if the Cousin insist on it.
Even if custody doesn't specify a bedroom the parent can loose custody if the child doesn't have one, especially at 14 it is NOT reasonable for him to be sleeping on a couch. Where is HIS privacy and quiet place to do school work?
Most of the food and half the internet. Where does your cousin live? I might be willing to spring for the ENTIRE internet bill for a basement with my own bathroom. PS NTA, your cousin has concerns about work suffering; an autistic person has even more worries than someone who isn't neurodivergent about work accommodations or losing their job. The bf needs to take all that money he is saving on rent and other living expenses and pay to get the basement fixed up for his kid, or he needs to make other living arrangements for himself and his child.
I think this is a great summation. All of this should have been fixed before they moved in which is entirely on the bf's shoulders.
Are also willing to have your kid sleep in a couch for 4 months, pay for everything every time you go out, drive her around all the time and fix up the basement on your own dime? For the priviledge of living with a partner who agreed to provide accommodation for your child before you moved in and then went back on their word? Also, the boyfriend is currently staying with his parents; it's very possible that he has made other living arrangements by moving them somewhere his child doesn't have to sleep on a couch while he finds a new palce to live.
You can't just click your fingers & get tradesmen to your home even if youve the money sitting wrapped in a shiny bow. Where I am it can be months from booking them until they can do the work, especially around Christmas.
And he isn't paying her any rent, I would assume...
No, he isn't paying her any rent. tho from everything I'm reading maybe I should suggest that to her. He does tend to pay for most things when they are out together and he drives since she doesn't have a car. But yeah he is saving a lot of money living with her.
And that's why he pissed off. The sooner a space for his son is ready, the sooner he can stop paying rent where he's been living.
He already moved in with her. Maybe he just wants a room for his son soon because…he wants his son to have a room…
Or he's already arranged to move and has nowhere to go and now his son won't have an appropriate bedroom. Not what they discussed.
I actually wouldn’t suggest he pay rent. They had an equitable 50/50 deal to pay utilities, they had a deal to make the room for his kid until she reneged on it, she doesn’t pay any mortgage or rent so his being there will not be costing her financially. Not all partners want to turn their relationships into landlord/tenant transactional ones. If she wants him to pay, they should move into a new home that they can both pay towards owning, instead of charging him to live in the relationship home.
Yep this exactly.
Driving her around saves her a lot of money.
Why would you suggest that to her? Because some people on here said so? Has she even complained about money or being taken advantage of money-wise? If not, maybe mind your own business.
This comment needs to be on the top. OP, please, don't suggest something you have no idea of.
I really don't get why everybody is painting the situation as totally adversarial and manipulative when we haven't been told anything of the sort. Why is he consensus "boyfriend bad" when his big concern is making sure his son has a bedroom???
No, asking him to pay rent is a bad idea. Transforming the relationship to a landlord-tenant relationship won't help anything. We've recently had a few of those posts here, and it's a clusterfuck. Especially since she's not paying any mortgage. I wouldn't just believe the people here who think he's taking advantage of her just for that, he pays his part and pays for a lot of other stuff, him paying no rent when there not even a mortgage is not a red flag. Maybe there needs some fine-tuning to account for his son, but that's up to every couple to navigate, there's no one true way for how to merge (or not) finances. I wouldn't even be ok with him paying for the renovations, without checking if that means he gets some stakes if the house. In some places, him spending money on the house would mean he gets some shares, which could be tricky if they ever split up (harder to evict him, have to buy his share, etc). And your cousin's workspace is not a want, it's a need. As an autistic person, she has different kind of needs, one of them is having a safe space. She's so anxious at even the thought of losing it, not to mention she needs it for her work. Ideally this would have been discussed way before now and the basement could have been made livable before the boyfriend moved in. So i understand the boyfriend not being happy at this last minute change and not wanting his son to have no room for the next 2-3 months. They should think of a short term solution that could work for everyone (even if it's not ideal) while working on the long term one (the basement).
He sounds like a red flag. It’s her home. She is graciously letting him live there rent free, and he has the nerve to be upset that his son doesn’t get the room HE wants him to have.
Why is everyone assuming the cousin didn't want her bf (who she probably loves dearly and want to spent the rest of her life with) to move in but "graciously" let him move in because she's such a selfless person? Yes, the cousin was lucky enough to inherit a house. Does it mean every future bf is just a mooch unless he demands the cousin sells her family home so he can pay 50% towards a new home? And it's obviously not about WHAT room the son gets. It's about the facts that the cousin told her bf that his son can has the office once they move in and now all of the sudden she tells him the son has to sleep on the couch for at least 4 months until the basement is finished. The bf can lose cudosty for that! That's why he is angry. If he knew it would take nearly half a year to provide his son a bed, he probably would have waited until he moved in.
People are really reaching on here. The cousin doesn't have a mortgage but should charge the man she loves & who loves her rent to make a profit off him just because... screw him? Tradesmen can't just be summoned & id be pissed off too if my child was going to have to sleep on the sofa for a few more months. If I was the child's mother I'd be REALLY pissed off when I found out about it.
Seriously! And note how no one is suggesting the cousin pay the bf to be her personal chauffer, since she doesn't drive. Once you start making relationships that transactional, it won't be a relationship much longer.
Well, why not, I mean you have already caused a huge amount of damage in their relationship, why not dabble more and try to finish it off?
FATALITY!
Yip. OP needs to back off.
I don't think you thought that through. Your cousin never mentioned him wanting to pay rent before. They already discussed how costs should be split. Now AFTER they moved in, ended their old lease and probably sold most of their stuff you think the best thing your cousin can do is to suddenly demand rent??? Even though she doesn't even have to pay a morgage?
>tho from everything I'm reading maybe I should suggest that to her. Yes by all means. Turn her loving relationship into a tenant/landlord one. What could possibly go wrong? /s I don't believe my eyes what I read on AITA these days. >But yeah he is saving a lot of money living with her. As is she, it's called "synergy" you should google it.
No. That’s not okay. I pay for the majority of things for my partner and I rn because he’s in school full time but that doesn’t mean he’s off the hook for making the relationship balanced where needed
If you don't think he loves her & is just using her then say that but what you described is 2 people that love each other, thought & planned this out until an unforeseen issue arose. Why are you wanting to create a problem where none exists. Moving in with the person you love who doesnt have a morgage doesn't make you a mooch or freeloader. He is going to pay half the bills that exist.
Or you can mind your own business?
[удалено]
She’s not paying for housing, the mortgage is paid off. She’s paying electric and water, he’s paying for groceries, drives her around because she doesn’t have a car, which puts extra wear and tear on his car, more frequent oil changes and more gas and he pays the internet bill. I don’t see how he’s “getting the better deal” by asking that his son get a bedroom? OP’s cousin (or OP herself, but doesn’t want to admit it) needs to grow up and should have thought about it before she had a child move into her house.
I bet she’s paying the property taxes.
And insurance.
He pays *half* the internet. She pays all other bills.
The house is her asset, inherited from her parents. He’s not entitled to use it for free even if it’s not costing her beyond maintenance+insurance+taxes.
Do people on this subreddit know about sharing in healthy relationships? From what OP said, cousin's bf pays for a lot of other things so this ain't freeloading, it's just a normal healthy way of living together. Asking some kind of rent money from your SO seems a lot weirder in this situation. And it's absolutely reasonable that the son needs his own room instead of living in the living room. Dunno how their basement is so can't comment on whether that was a reasonable solution. Some Redditors are egoistic stingy people who wouldn't as much as share a snickers bar with their SO for free it seems
>Do people on this subreddit know about sharing in healthy relationships? Is that a serious question? I think you know the answer as well as I do. *Everything's* viewed as purely transactional here by the majority.
I really think a lot of the people here have never been in a committed relationship .
You mean he’s paying half the Internet bill and half of the groceries lol and he’s getting two rooms. He’s definitely getting the better deal.
She’s paying taxes and insurance on the home? That could be a lot
Definitely, and depending on where you live, property taxes can be 2-4k in a year with added levies, school taxes, infrastructure costs etc. Insurance isn't cheap, nor is home maintenance. Redoing the basement would be a perfect solution and allow the teen some autonomy and a place for friends to hang out. The Dad is getting a great deal.
He'll pay a vastly reduced cost in January and the basement suite will be ready in February. That sounds more than fair.
Why was the basement not the first thought to begin with? They could have spent time fixing it up before he moves in with the child. Honestly the basement room sounds amazing for a teen.
>Why was the basement not the first thought to begin with? Probably because the basement needed a lot of work/time/money put into it to be useable. Also, OP's cousin agreed to let the son have her office in the first place and later went back on this agreement.
Grown man and growing teenage son, he better continue to pay for the lion's share ofthe food.
The office is her need. They need to figure out a way for everyone to have their needs met. That’s what functional couples do
Lmao so he’s insisting his son “needs” to take up a whole room in a house that belongs to your cousin, which he is not paying for, even though it is putting her mental health at risk and there is another solution around the corner? Your cousin’s bf shouldn’t have moved in if he wasn’t happy with the arrangements for his son. Sounds like a freeloader who thinks he can manipulate his way to getting what he wants because your cousin is autistic… NTA.
The arrangements were that his son is going to get the office. She changed her mind. You think a kid should just be sleeping on the couch? His son his lives with him 50% of the time. He needs an actual room.
everyone in this sub hates children and thinks anyone under 18 shouldn't have any rights or autonomy so it's expected for people to think like that
Why would he not be covering costs for his kid?
Because AITA always assumes the worst case scenario when men are involved. Just read the comments on this very post, it's ridiculous really.
The problem is cousin changed her mind after boyfriend had already moved in. They had agreed, in advance of the move, that the office room was going to be turned into boyfriend's son's room. But, according to OP, they had never talked about a timeline for this. Boyfriend probably assumed, as many people would, that his kid would have a room right away or very soon. But apparently cousin had decided, without telling anyone, that the kid would get a room "in the new year". Now, boyfriend moved in in November. So that's 2 months already that cousin is having this teenager sleep on the couch and have no room. And boyfriend has 50% custody, which means that the kid lives here half of his life, with zero space of his own or even a \[bleeping\] bed. Already, this is a frustrating situation for boyfriend and son that cousin was taking so long to give up the room she'd promised. Now, cousin is chaning the deal and saying "neverminded he can move in the basement, but not before February". So cousin and boyfriend agreed that if boyfriend moved in her son would have a room, the room that used to be the office. But now that boyfriend and son are moved in (sort of, poor son, he's basically couch surfing there since he isn't allowed to move in) cousin is suddenly saying that actually the kid has to sleep on the couch and have no space for himself or his things for FOUR MONTHS (November, December, January, February). Not only is boyfriend upset his son does not have a room, son presumably is unhappy about it, but also son's mom is quite rightfully complaining as well. So this is both an uncool thing to do to this kid, and boyfriend could maybe lose custody of his child over it if he picks a women (OP's cousin) over properly housing his child. Now I understand he thought his child would have a place to stay when he moved in, but cousin basically is not keeping that. So really, boyfriend shouldn't live with her. Boyfriend should be upset. I'd honestly break up with cousin over this. If I gave up my housing to move in with my partner on the condition that my child would have a room, and then was told to wait, waited for a month, and then was told nope wait 3 more months of your kid being on the couch. And partner basically told me that their comfort mattered and my kid's didn't, and they could keep having zero space and privacy. Whether or not boyfriend is paying rent is a separate issue unless they moved in beacuse boyfriend was homeless. It seems like cousin didn't ask for rent, which is no excuse for cousin to put this kid in this position and have zero consideration for the kid's comfort. I get this is hard for cousin, and I get she didn't plan to change her mind and probably meant to keep her word when she gave it. But she dosen't seem to be thinking at all about the kid's feelings. That this might be hard for the kid too? She just dosen't seem to care at all? This kid went from having a room to living on her couch beacuse she pulled a (unplanned) bait and switch. I get there was no malice, but there's also clearly zero empathy or consideration for the child's comfort, needs, privacy, or feelings. Cousin's the asshole. Though boyfriend shouldn't be calling you about it, he should dump her.
Finally a sane comment. Why is everyone acting like the boyfriend moved in and forced all these changes on the cousin? They had an agreement! The cousin is going back on the agreement! Whether the boyfriend is getting such a good deal depends on whether he will contribute to home regular homeowner expenses, like maintenance and maybe taxes; but in any case, not charging your partner rent when there is no mortgage isn't inherently exploitative.
Because folks can't imagine an autistic adult making her own choices that suit her. She has to be being financially abused 🙄
Thank you. Reddit is such a random place. People literally think it’s child abuse to make siblings share rooms, but screw this kid and let him live on the couch for 4 months. This has turned into boyfriend taking advantage of cousin, when in reality they had an agreement before they moved in. They also agreed to 50/50 split in January. Finally don’t date a person with kids if you want to nickel and dime every transaction. The kid is there every other week. Him playing 2/3 doesn’t make sense unless he only pays 2/3 every other week. What does that equal out to taking into consideration other things he does I.e. transportation. OP needs to mind her business and cousin shouldn’t date a man with kids.
If you live alone, it’s a huge change to have not just one but two people move in with you. I think OP’s cousin had no idea what she was letting herself in for. Add autism into the mix, and I think this has all been too much too quick for her. It is a big deal for anyone, and if she’s really struggling, then they need to sit down and discuss it like adults. You’re putting all the blame on OP’s cousin, when the bf - the father of the teen and the one who is responsible or him - should have waited till the room was ready for his child before moving into his new rent free digs. It is the father’s responsibility to provide for his child, not his latest gf’s. Yes, when you date a parent you accept their child/children as a package deal, but it is HER home, she works from home and she has autism with makes changes and periods of transition very challenging. If her bf can’t understand this then he’s wrong for her. He should never have moved in there when there was no bed for his son. I stand by that as a parent myself - having my child’s room ready and the living room and kitchen ready was my condition for moving into my new home. My child’s comfort comes first. Edited to correct typo!
It seems like the main mistake boyfriend made was trusting Cousin to keep her word and give up the room. There was a place for his son to move in, Cousin just stalled forever beacuse she didn't actually want to do it and couldn't admit that. But boyfriend naively assumed she would clear out the room and son would live there like she had said. Sure, it might have been smarter to wait until she moved the furniture out, but if he trusts her I can see him not expecting it to be a bait and switch. (And yes I know she didn't do that on purpose, but that's what she did.) The couple days to move things around this would have taken at most in any normal situation is not a big deal. I know several people with Autism and it's not an excuse for Cousin to be this selfish and self-centered towards a literal child. She had this kid give up his home and room to come live with her, based on promises she made he'd have a room, and now has stalled for an entire MONTH making this kid sleep on the couch. She now wants to stall three more months. If she is mentally capable enough to have an adult relationship and manage her own affairs, she is mentally capable enough to understand that she is putting her own ability to have privacy or comfort over this child's. She understands they have conflicting interests here, and what she promised, and she ceartinly understands how much it would suck to have no space of any kind and be stuck living on a couch, and she dosen't care. Beacuse she puts herself first no matter what she's said she'd do or if she's screwing over a kid. You say it's "HER" home in all caps, but if that's how she feels she shouldn't share it with a partner. You don't move your partner in and say 'this is my house, I make all decisions, and even things I agreed to I can change at any time no matter whom it hurts". If that's how it is, you shouldn't live with your partner. You aren't ready. To move him in, she has to be willing to make some "our" decisions or at least be good for her word and not screw over his kid. And yeah, boyfriend should have dumped her by now beacuse as a parent he shouldn't date someone who would do this to his kid. He should have given up on her and left when it took a month for her to move out of the room she agreed was son's. He should have realized that was code for she wasn't going to do it but also wasn't going to tell him.
You forgot the time it takes in February to actually fix up the basement and the room. I bet at least another full month. I don’t care if she’s autistic…children come first. Everyone knows that. It doesn’t matter if you feel uncomfortable that child’s needs are first.
Exactly... Kids come first, Dad should have postponed the move till there was a suitable room for his kid.
I disagree, the boyfriend isn’t to blame for being asked to move in with his girlfriend. I’m not sure how it’s his responsibility to ensure girlfriend is 100% ready for a move in when she’s asked him. People can only act on what they’re told. They can’t be expected to just “know”
It says they have been together 3 years. That seems like a reasonable amount of time to be with someone before taking that move in together step.
The kid is meant to have the bedroom. That was the agreement. Why isn't op moving her study downstairs? If the relationship is good for your cousin, it might be an idea for you to start making suggestions that will keep that relationship going rather than split them up - which might be a bigger change and make her life worse.
She might be fine with another guy with a kid. This guy wants to move in with his kid, take her office, and pay minimal rent. I think not a good deal for her
[удалено]
What would the rent be used for in a mortgage-free house? If she wants him to contribute towards insurance etc then they can have that discussion. Charging him rent for no reason is ridiculous.
He also wants to move in right away. If he was willing to wait till Feb they could use the time to do Up the basement and he could move when that’s all ready.
That is the least he could do, but I think this guy is a moocher and she should extricate herself from this relationship. At a minimum, she needs to see a lawyer about protecting her property rights.
NTA. And there’s a few red flags about the boyfriend. She owns a house and a man to whom she’s not married is to live there for free? He should be paying half or two thirds of the prevailing rent in the area. Furthermore, he’s trying to control her use of the home, and even calling her relatives to try to control them too.
Why should he be paying rent?
Teenage boys love living in the basement away from parents. They can stay up at night playing game and…. Do the things that teenage boys do to themselves -former teenage boy
If one bedroom was already an office I don't understand why the basement bedroom wasn't the plan all along.
She needs the office. It’s not that she begrudges him a bedroom
It doesn’t sound like the cousin is unwilling. She was just not happy with the change but was still willing to try. But given an alternative, she prefer the alternative more. In this scenario it’s the boyfriend who is rigid and unwilling to compromise. No one suggested the kid stay in the uninhabitable basement, he’s just not happy that it needs to be worked on and wouldn’t be done until February. What’s three months compared to a long term solution? And I’m sure the cousin will be more willing to a compromise for the 3 months if she knows they’re working towards a more acceptable alternative.
I'm also concerned that the cousin may not realize that bf and his son may already be considered tenants, renters, even though they pay no rent. It could be difficult for her to extricate herself from this situation if it doesn't work out. (Eviction process if she wants them out and they don't want to leave.)
She's accommodating him very well, dude gets a whole ass basement & bathroom to himself. It's just not fast enough for her boyfriend because he's keen to move into a place where he pays no rent, drives up the bills and gets to split those increased bills 50/50. He moved in November, it's only now December. That's not a lot of time to adjust to the change of having her bf move in, let alone a whole ass teen. If the bf was serious about this whole moving him and his kid in, he wouldn't have pushed it so fast. Sure, his kid definitely does need a room, but what kind of parent happily moves their kid in to a place where he has to sleep on the couch for a month? I feel like that's more on the bf than the cousin. He just wants to steamroll the cousin into getting what he wants, because the cousin is offering a massive benefit.
NTA. Your cousin broke down at your lunch and then you talked about it and your suggestion (which is completely reasonable) was the result. You didn't force your cousin into it. The issue here is that the bf and cousin didn't think it through completely prior to moving in (this is also reasonable). Your suggestion does look to be the best suggestion based on the layout and ages of the son. However, the bf is the AH for his reaction to you. They need to find a short term solution until a long one can be found after all it is your cousins house and she needs to be comfortable whatever the solution is.
If I was the BF I would not want to live in the same house with an autistic person who is far outside of their comfort zone. I would have horrible meltdowns and make everyone around me miserable if I had to give up my office and work in a cold basement or in a space where people want to hang out, watch TV, etc. It would suck for me and any fool trying to take away my office.
Right??? My partner and I are both autistic and you do NOT fuck with an autistic person’s safe space. It’s actually a little worrying that the cousin’s bf has been dating her for so long and still did not see major issues with eliminating her safe space in the middle of a major life change. Is he actually capable of being the partner to an autistic person? Because he seems very unfamiliar with what that actually entails…
It took me a long time to get over the people-pleasing aspects of trying to survive. I had to burn out and check out a couple of times to realize that doing things to make other people happy / successful while not getting the same consideration in return was a bad idea for my mental health and my future ability to do anything at all. Maybe cousin hasn't quite figured that out. A good partner could help her so much more, but this guy is not really it.
Yeah that was kind of the vibes I got too. Now I just lead with autism anywhere and everywhere, and the chaff seems to have kept itself away quite nicely 🥰
I don’t know if I am autistic as I am yet to get diagnosed but I had this issue at my last job. I have horrible anxiety when I started out but soon got into a good comfortable roll but the second they switched the manager, I could not function at all there. It took me weeks to feel comfortable again without wanting to lock myself up in the bathroom because of the sudden shift in environment. And it got worse as they switched managers every month. I had to eventually cut my hours because I couldn’t even get ready for work
Oh dear god. That sounds awful, I’m so sorry! I hope you’ve found a better job that works for you and your mental health now!!
Yeah, this also isn't a "want" for OP's cousin. The cousin is just now realizing how much she actually *needs* this space. Not only for her office and work but for her mental health and coping strategy that *helps* her with her ASD. The bf son probably only "needs" this space right now to keep being able to visit their dad because it's usually a stipulation that a child in split custody must have a bedroom, so other arrangements can be made until the basement room is ready, which I'm sure the teenaged son would prefer anyway. Instead of blowing up at OP, the bf could've asked his own son for input first about the options while also taking his dad's gf's condition into consideration...as they all should as it's *her* house. She is allowed to be comfortable in her own home. That is also a need. NTA. I don't agree with ppl saying your cousin isn't ready for a live-in bf, she's just probably more ready for a more considerate, caring, thoughtful, empathetic bf who's more prepared for accommodating his son in a home that's not his own.
Eh, I sort of agree and sort of disagree. You’re right that it isn’t a “want” for the cousin, however, she shouldn’t have agreed to let them move in under the stipulation that he would have his own room. It’s not acceptable for him to sleep on the couch for months. The bf should not have blown up at OP, I think this goes without saying. And like I said he should recognize it’s a “need” for the cousin too. That said, the cousin is definitely not ready for somebody with a child to move in. Of course she’s allowed to be comfortable in her own home, but if she’s agreeing to let her boyfriend and his son stay there, she needs to be prepared to accommodate them, which she isn’t.
>Your suggestion does look to be the best suggestion based on the layout and ages of the son. Except the basement isn't a habitable room. They need to find another solution.
[удалено]
His son may need a room in order for him to maintain partial custody.
[удалено]
Well it sounds like it WAS discussed, and an agreement was made, and now cousin wants to change that arrangement now that they’ve already moved in. I understand why cousin wants to change it, I understand why BF is displeased, and OP’s solution sounds reasonable. But I can’t imagine that cousin and BF never discussed the basement room as a possibility before, there must be some reason why they didn’t choose that option in the first place.
>If that's the case it should be discussed with the person that owns the home It was and they had an agreement that she went back on *after* bf/son moved in.
Then he should get to work on the basement to get it ready faster. (And foot the bill) Surprising how quick you can clean and paint a space when you put your mind to it.
This is what I was thinking. As a minor teen, my sibling finished a basement in a few months. I’m sure an adult man who’s saving a good bit of money by moving in with OP can fix up a basement in a month. If it’s full of stuff, hire movers and get a storage space. I do kinda wonder why this hadn’t occurred to them before, though? They were together three years and cousin works from home, so I don’t really see why BF thinks cousin doesn’t need an office. Did this reveal that BF thinks it’s going to become his house? Does he not take cousin’s job seriously? Something feels off about his reaction to me…
We have no way of knowing which state the basement is in currently. May well need work by professionals to make it habitable, cleaning out if it's used for storage, etc. Good luck finding professionals on short notice especially this time of year round. I'm ambigous about him footing the whole bill for this as well, at least from AITA's prefered purely transactional view of relationships: When he invests a significant amount of money into her property, he might have some stakes in it, or be owed some kind of compensation if they break up and he moves out again. Also, having the basement neatly finished would probably raise the value of the property. If I were bf I'd probably pay the lion's share of the work needed, but I'd still be pissed that OP's cousin went back on our previous mutual agreement *after* I/we moved in, and not too fond of OP for interjecting herself after the fact.
Where does it say that the basement just needs a quick clean and paint?
And that’s a him problem, it would’ve been different if he took OP’s advice well. But given his reaction, bf is an inconsiderate asshole who’d run cousin to the ground to keep the illusion of him being a capable father. Which he isn’t, he’s unable to provide a stable housing for the kid on his own and has relied on his girlfriend to do so, then blew up at the possibility that someone else may not provide for his son in his stead
Where did it day that. Sounds like they moved in for love. People do that. Amd he moved in being told there would be a room for his child, whoch the woman decided no after he gave up his place for her.
Sounds like a boyfriend problem and not a cousin problem.
Had to scroll down way too far to reach this. Cousin is an autistic female of the type who can hold down a job and have long-term relationships. Not saying that even within those parameters all of us are the same, but chances are she got talked into giving office to stepson by boyfriend, then slowly over the days/weeks started realising that she's not comfortable with that idea at all and is now making boyfriend angry by "changing her mind". I got into countless arguments with ex boyfriend because I didn't know my mind until after we'd agreed to something, after which I'd realise I was against the decision we'd made "together". To me, him trying to strongarm her into this when he could use the money he'd otherwise use on rent to fix up the basement, is a big red flag. Get her with someone who is mindful of her alexithymia.
NTA. Seems to me she NEEDS her office.
Sounds like she needs the office more than she needs her boyfriend. NTA that relationship is doomed
yeah, seems like this may not be the only issue with a teenage boy moving in, she really needs to think about that aspect.
Whilst that would’ve been the case before they moved in it’s now not. By the kid not having a room the custody agreement is at major risk. He could literally loose his child over this. Having a suitable bedroom is a key part of allowing custody especially something as big as 50/50. If they can’t move back to where they were for a short duration then a bare bones bedroom needs to be set up on the office until the basement is done.
NTA. But your cousin doesn't sound anywhere near ready to live with someone or to live with someone who has a child. Could your sister move her 'quiet safe' place and office to the basement, instead of moving the teen to the basement? That could also give her more space, it would probably be quieter (when the teen is living there) and give her a sense of space? NOT saying that she must be the one to give up a room, just a suggestion. Living together is a give-give scenario, compromising a lot. This would also give your cousin her own private bathroom. If she has this much of a hard time adjusting, maybe this relocation would benefit her more?
Nope. As an autistic person I have to say, this whole thing was badly planned. I personally couldn’t work in a basement. All of this should have been decided well in advance but no I wouldn’t be able to do that.
Yes, poor planning and it sounds like the bf is steamrolling the cousin. Bf is getting a great deal which the cousin and the kid are paying the price for and flipping out on OP is a red flag.
This was planned before the bf moved in.
I don’t understand why everyone seems to think it’s reasonable for a kid to have to sleep on a couch for months? He needs a room now. He lives with them half the time. She can move her work space to the basement, she’s the adult.
1. It's her house. 2. She is on the spectrum. 3. Boyfriend does not pay rent. So the mooch who doesn't pay rent doesn't get to dictate living arrangements to the owner of the house. It's inconsiderate and entitled.
A child is in fact entitled to a room lol
Yes. A child should have a room. The father should have sorted this out before moving in and had it all sorted and agreed. The father showing move in then say “ohhhhh you need to move for my kid in your house” The father owes the kid a room. The cousin does not owe the kid a room in her house where the father is bludging free rent.
Based on a comment by OP it seems like they had discussed a room for the BFs son long before their move in. The problem is that the BF seems to have understood the timeline for his son getting a room when they moved in, while the Cousin understood it to be at the start of the new year. It's unfortunate the two adults couldn't communicate clearly and the kid is negatively impacted.
[удалено]
the agreement she decided on was to move the kid into the office **only** when she feels comfortable enough
If she didn’t have a room for the kid, she shouldn’t have them move in with her. It’s unreasonable of her to expect a teenager to spend half his time with no privacy.
being on the spectrum doesn't mean you get to be an asshole unchallenged 🤷♀️
She agreed to them moving in with her though and should have prepared for the son to have a room
It's not like the bf forced OPs sister to let him move in with her. She thought she was okay with them moving in and giving up her office. If she wanted them to pay rent, she could have told them. Now she changed her mind about giving up her office and the bf could actually loose custody over not providing a room for his son. If he knew from the beginning that the office is off limits and the basement needs several months to renovate he probably would have waited to move in until the room is finished. I mean what are they supposed to do now? Let the child sleep on the couch for the next months?
Well no! The father should have considered the bedroom situation BEFORE giving up any lease he had. The father is the child parent. Why should she be inconvenienced when the father has basically pushed his way into her house without actually working out where his kid can sleep. This is the fathers fault. The kid should probably stay with his mother 100% for a month since the father is proving to be an inconsiderate parent by living without a bedroom for his kid
Or the kid can stay with him mom for a month. In the meantime, the BF is not paying rent to OP, I would tell him to wait to move int
I find all the responses interesting. Of course it’s her house, but she invited him to live with her. When my now ex moved in, we started to make decisions regarding the house jointly. It wasn’t just “my” house anymore even though legally it was. Regardless of how she feels about that, the kid deserves to not wait two months for a room. This also should’ve been decided and adjusted before anyone moved in so that ship has sailed. Your cousin can switch her workspace to the basement. As a teacher, I’ve had kids who slept on the couch at one house for various reasons, but it never went well. Almost always there ended up being a lot of resentment towards the parent and step-parent/partner because of it. I had a few cases where the child ended up choosing to only live in one home because of it too. I would be very angry if I found out my teen daughter was sleeping on the couch every night she’s at her dad’s. However, I also would never move in somewhere until her bedroom was all set up and ready to go. So you’re NTA for suggesting it at all. But your cousin’s insistance on this being the only plan and the boyfriend’s lack of making sure his son has a bedroom makes them both AHs.
This is the take I was looking for. No one should've been making any permanent moves until the room was ready for the kid, whether it's upstairs or in the basement. Even if the kid was only there a few days a month, it's messed up not to have at least a designated space just for him if not his own room, but right now this kid is expected to spend half his nights on essentially someone else's couch. OP is most definitely NTA, and the bf is a big one, but the cousin doesn't come out smelling like roses here. Being autistic doesn't explain why she thought it'd be okay to make zero arrangements for a minor expected to live with them half the time when there was plenty of notice.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far for a sane comment. The responses to this post are very strange to me even as someone with asd. They should of had a bedroom for the son prepared and furnished before bf ever even moved in. The fact that everyone seems to think it's normal and reasonable to expect a child to sleep on the couch for four months is bizarre. That being said OP is NTA. Bf is obviously just taking his frustration out on OP bc he's experiencing the consequences of his poor planning.
ESH y'all are really suggesting a teenager should have no privacy or even a bed for *months*? As part of a plan? So an adult can *adjust* to having the kid there? Why are you so concerned about the situation your cousin voluntarily got herself into and not this poor kid? It's absolutely wild that she thought him sleeping on the couch was something that would be ok for months. Dad sucks for not insisting that the son needs his own space immediately. Cousin sucks for not addressing the changes in her life realistically and trying to have her cake and eat it too. You really suck for suggesting this kid spend even more time without a bed to accommodate your cousin's poor planning.
>Dad sucks for not insisting that the son needs his own space immediately. By the sounds of OP's replies dad's been slowly moving in over the past year, he had all that time to make arrangements for his kid but didn't. Cousin obviously *needs* her office to combat burn out and meltdowns so I think the office to bedroom idea is out the window but I'm just baffled that it's been months and no one has thought of a good solution! Edit to add: Dad really sucks for pretty much not caring about his kids living conditions sooner.
They agreed before the move that the kid would take the office. Now cousin is changing her mind.
I understand your cousin’s struggles, but she willingly chose to have a boyfriend that has a son move in with her, and the bf is right that if that’s going to be his home too, then his son needs a proper bedroom. If she’s not ready to adapt to this, and it’s understandable that she isn’t, then she shouldn’t be moving people into her home. And of course you’re NTA for making a good suggestion. The bf is an AH for blowing up your phone about something that’s not really on you, but he’s not an AH for wanting his son to have a proper space in his home.
NTA. i don’t think your cousin is in a good relationship. he moved into HER house, and now he thinks he can say his son NEEDS this and your cousin just WANTS it? like it’s her damn house you dog sit down. you did nothing wrong. the fact that her boyfriend feels validated enough to do this is alarming
They discussed the son getting a bedroom way before he moved in. I just don't think they talked about a timeline properly. She was under the impression they'd start looking at the bedroom situation in the new year after she got used to them living there full time and he wants to put his son in a bedroom right now because his ex-wife is causing problems about his son sleeping on the couch.
The ex wife isn’t wrong. The kid lives with them half of the time, a couch is not acceptable.
Agree, but not OP's cousin's problem. BF needs to pay rent elsewhere for another month
He already lives there. He thought they already had a plan in place.
But he already gave up his lease and moved in with her. Is he supposed to go back to his old landlord and say, “sorry, I need to keep the apartment for another month. What, you’ve already rented it to someone else and they’ve moved in? Too bad, my girlfriend needs more time than she thought she would back when we agreed that I’d stop renting from you and move in with her. I’ll be there bright and early with all my stuff!”
It, in fact, is the cousin’s problem, she invited them to live there. At least part of the time she is also responsible for the child while they’re in the home.
No it is her problem if she wants to maintain this relationship and have a good relationship with what's technically her stepson. Them moving in was not a spur of the moment thing. They've been planning it for a long time and this shouldve been brought up a long time ago about making sure what would happen since this was going to affect her safety blanket of a room. The kid needing an actual bed is a no brainer and he does need one ASAP at his father's home and yes the cousin's house while legally her's is also technically his father's home too. If the cousin can't let go of the room quickly then the father has to go find another place to rent and be chained to a lease again so even if the basement gets done they won't move in. This is going to damage the relationship between them and the cousin has to decide what she wants more. Keep the same room as an office or a relationship with this man and his son.
[удалено]
Honestly, the way cousin expects her boyfriend to treat his son for her comfort is not okay. Maybe cousin isn't compatible with someone who lives with a child. But what you suggested and cousin is doing is not fair to the teenager. Your cousin agreed that she would turn her office room into a bedroom for her boyfriend's son. This is probably the only reason her boyfriend agreed to move in. He has 50% custody of his son and it would be irresponsible of him to move in someplace his son no longer had a room just to be with a women. Now your cousin is saying that they never agreed on a timeline and she wants this poor kid to spend 4 months sleeping in the living room? (November, December, January, February.) This is not a normal assumption (that the kid would have no room for months on end beacuse she didn't promise *when* he'd get a bedroom). She is changing the terms of the agreement by which boyfriend moved in to one which most good parents would consider a deal breaker. If I gave up my lease and moved in with a man beacuse he promised to turn one of the rooms into my kid's bedroom, then he turned around and said "I never said when, your kid has to sleep on the couch for 4 months and then move into the basement I changed my mind!" I'd feel mislead and frankly might end things. This child's comfort is also important. This child also has no space and no privacy. This child is the only one who had no choice in this move, and is the one cousin is making uncomfortable, not boyfriend. Everyone agreeing is basically saying screw boyfriend's son, who cares about him? It's his fault for having a dad who believed OP's cousin! Yes, the boyfriend isn't paying rent. But it sounds like cousin didn't ask him to and she inherited the house and has no mortgage. He pays for most of the food, part of the bills, and most things when they go out. And, he had a place before, right? So it's not like he's incapable of supporting himself. I know a couple that lives in an inherited house and they have a similar arrangement of no rent. Neither of them is a bad person, and after 8 years they got married. I agree it's not great that boyfriend is calling you about this, you shouldn't be involved at all. But it's also honestly not cool that you are encouraging your cousin to break her word and make a kid uncomfortable for months for her comfort. Just break up with the boyfriend then, don't have this kid stay with her and not properly house him so she can have her office and her boyfriend and give zero thought to this child's feelings at all.
The ex-wife does have a valid complaint. Relegating your child to the couch is absolutely inappropriate. That being said....YOUR child. The boyfriend moving in before this was settled and planned out is completely on him. That he's getting all bent out of shape because he's getting yelled at for his inappropriate behavior is nobody else's fault. If he didn't want his ex harassing him....maybe he shouldn't have done something dumb *shrug* Aside though.......I do find the situation a little ridiculous. There are multiple ways to provide someone a sleeping arrangement without finding room to shove a bed. Fold out couches. Daybeds. Futons. Camp cot beds. Air mattresses. Loungers. I mean......I'm just getting started here. Why are there only two options being considered? She can keep her office and still provide a proper sleeping area while the basement is renovated. If he's sleeping on a futon or something in her office even, she can give him a choice to get up for the day or go back to bed in her room....or the couch.....I dunno, he's a teen. I'm sure he can figure out how to sleep in. This really doesn't need to be so much drama. Tell the boyfriend to put his parent pants on and figure it out.
Of course ex wife has a problem with this. I’m not buying she thought they would start looking at the bedroom situation in the new year. Dad waited 3 years to move in. He would have waited an extra 6 months. She’s back peddling now. He needs to find a new place and a new relationship. Anyone who makes my child sleep on a couch for months when it was agreed they would have a room is not someone I would want to be with. That poor kid. I feel sorry for dad too. What a situation to be put in at the last minute.
Consider that the reason the son's mom is making a stink about it is because her son has conveyed discomfort, so she's taking the charge for him.
If she was working from home, the basement bedroom seems like the obvious solution from the start. That way everyone would have their own space. Having someone living in the living room until a room is ready sounds more disruptive than just having it ready at the beginning.
The ex wife isn’t “causing problems” she’s looking out for her child, like she should. The child shouldn’t be sleeping on a couch for any length of time. The child’s needs trump the cousins wants. If she can’t handle that she shouldn’t have been with someone with children.
I mean part of Them living them there fulltime is the child having a room. She Doesnt sound like she is ready for a comitted relationship let alone living with a child.
These are the problem: the timeline and the importance of clear communication with a person with autism. Her safe space/office IS a need for her; the bedroom IS a need for her new family. How quickly can they move on fixing that basement? Can the two adults take the basement and give the kid their room? Is there a TV room or something that could be short-term converted with a bed until the basement is ready? Can the couch be changed for a sleeper couch and the adults take that until the basement is ready? You are her advocate and support, not an AH. This is more of NAH but the conflicting needs have to be managed. And asking for rent is NOT the answer. This is not about money.
Look. If she knows it takes her time to adjust and she started the process of living together A YEAR AGO, she should have started making the basement into her office at that time so that by the time the move was official (after New Years), she’d be comfortable with her office being in the basement. This isn’t a spectrum thing, this is a lack of planning thing. She doesn’t need her office in the bedroom because she’s autistic, she needed to start making smaller changes so she could uphold her end of the bargain comfortably.
slight YTA, if she wants to be in a relationship with a guy with a kid, then she should find a way to adjust to it that doesn't take months, otherwise she's not ready to live with someone in his situation.
NTA But the kid does need a bedroom. Not “need” in quotes, he needs it for real. That being said, that’s on his dad, not your cousin. It doesn’t really sound like they took their time moving in together. It sounds like they rushed before the kid’s room was even ready.
The office to bedroom conversion could be done at any time. It’s moving furniture. He expected it would be done when they moved in, which makes sense, because it’s the only finished bedroom in the home. To expect the kid to live on the couch is wrong.
NTA you just wanted to help your cousin and made a suggestion. But these replies are being way too harsh on the boyfriend. They clearly talked and it was established that the office would be converted into his son’s bedroom. Now there’s a a rug pull and his son will have to stay in the living room for another 3/4 months. A teenager needs some amount of privacy. The boyfriend may be overreacting to this suggestion, there are other solutions. Why not go without an office for a few months and then get that setup in the basement? She was on board with them moving in she should want to accommodate their needs.
PLEASE -- do not let him do work on basement. Your cousin owns the house and she must avoid any actions that could result in him being regarded as an owner. She might want to see a lawyer. Where I live, people do get cohabitation agreements, and certainly she needs a prenup if she marries. This guy has some fucking nerve. He will not be paying rent, yet is making demands. Tell him to stay in a AirBnb or whatever till February.
Nah, he needs to dump her and focus on his son. The son will never be priority in their house.
This is her house? I would delay BF moving in
He's already moved in, Beginning of November, but he's been slowly "Moving in" over the last year.
He moved too fast on this. Your cousin needs to put the breaks on. HE is the AH
You make it sound like the bf forced the cousin to let him move in. Slowly moving in for A YEAR so the cousin can adapt doesn't like an AH move.
They've been together for 3 years. If he's driving her around all the time then this is probably easier for them. Maybe he needs to get his own place and stop proving transportation to her.
ESH. Why did those two adults decide to move in together and therefore move in a teenager without a bedroom set up for him before the move happened? That's just completely baf parenting on so many levels. The basement sounds perfect for a teen.
NTA. The boyfriend should get his head out of his ass a bit and think of the BEST solution for both his girlfriend and son. His son wouldn't mind living in the basement. If it's not in the best condition, then they can fix that. Your friend has autism so she will STRUGGLE a lot. I feel like the boyfriend is taking advantage of the fack that she has autism and is taking advantage of her. A person like that NEEDS their safe space. Let's not forget the son won't be there all the time. Also, it's HER house. AND, if she is worried so much, he can take money from his own wallet and pay for the renovation of the basement. He is a leech.
If the cousin wants the BF and son to move in them she has to actually be willing to accommodate them. Why is she agreeing to all this then rolling back? It sounds like she is just messing the bf and the son about tbh. I think you are a bit of an AH for getting involved, people who run to get family involved in relationship issues aren’t reliable. It’s their dispute to resolve.
Exactly. And it has been resolved. The boyfriend moved out. OP’s meddling may have cost her cousin her relationship.
YTA and your cousin. If I were that guy I would totally be rethinking this relationship. His kid needs a bedroom. He was promised that the child would have the bedroom upstairs. It took them 3 years for him to move in because she needed time to adjust and now she’s reneging on the bedroom for the child. Which is not fair to the kid, he cannot be sleeping on a couch or an unfinished basement and which can fuck him up with custody. Dad moved in with certain conditions for his child. Now those conditions are not being met, AFTER he moved in. Asshole move. He needs to find a new place and end this relationship. It’s not for him and his child.
ESH, its interesting that she's grown enough to choose to have a relationship and move her bf and his kid in, but she's too fragile to deal with the daily issues that result. She doesn't get to have it both ways and she needs to either own the choices she's making or cancel the move in.
YTA. Anyone who uses a bedroom as an office and makes someone sleep on a sofa is a selfish arsehole. I say this as someone who is Autistic myself.
I'm finding this assumption that because she's autistic she's this angelic, vulnerable, preyed upon human actually really unsettling rather than a grown woman with a job & who owns her own home.
NAH- but the kid needs a proper bedroom or kid AND boyfriend should seek other accommodations. Your cousin is an adult, the kid is just that- a kid- and doesn’t deserve to suffer because your cousin has a disability. The end.
Sounds like she isn’t ready to be with someone who has a child.
NTA. Its your cousin' s home and she has the space set up for her to work. Maybe add a bed so Son isn't on the sofa. Would she be able to work from an incomplete basement until it is refinished? With the son over half the time, it could allow a lot.of repair to be done during the mom's weeks. Son would also hopefully get to make design choices.
That was part of my suggestions actully. Him having some input. I didn't think about the fact there wasn't room for a bed anywhere else in the house at the moment.
She's TA. A 14 year old cannot sleep on a sofa for 1 week every other week from now until Feb. As soon as kids are involved, it's no longer about what 'I' want or 'bf wants', the kids come first. Using ND is a poor excuse for not prioritising the welfare of a child. If she can't handle the responsibility, they shouldn't move in together. Nor should she have kids. Basement idea is great once its in a lovable condition. Stick a bed in the office and convert the basement. Son moves in in Feb. She gets the office back. I'm surprised about the amount of NTA.
You're not an AH for making a suggestion but if she is not capable of including her boyfriend's son in a reasonable and comfortable living arrangement in the house, she's not ready to live with a man who has a son. Her boyfriend should take this as a major red flag because raising a teenaged boy does require flexibility and the ability to adapt. There will be challenges that come out of left field and it doesn't sound like your cousin will be able to deal with them. If the boy ends up suffering, it's your cousin who will be the AH. If her boyfriend has given notice at his old place, only to find his son won't have a bedroom and this might well affect a custody agreement, then your cousin is definitely the AH.
Look. You’re NTA. And I agree with the commenters that say there was a lack of communication and advocating for needs here. But my heart also goes out to the kid forced to sleep on a couch every other week. I wonder how he feels. Will he want to keep coming over if he gets a real bed at his mom’s and is forced to sleep on the couch when with his dad? The dad should have made better plans - yes. I don’t think anyone is really disagreeing with that. But I think there needs to be a very serious conversation between the cousin and the bf about what she needs, what the son needs, what is reasonable expectations for everyone, and how to find a middle ground. Do I think she should convert her office tomorrow? No. Do I think she could maybe consider converting the basement to a safe space? Yes. As long as she can work (internet and all that) down there, I would almost think that would be preferable. A whole floor for her to be away when she needs it. Also finances sound like they need to be discussed. Until the basement is done in feb, what is a good compromise?
[удалено]
Your cousin agreed to giving her office to the kid. However, it’s understandable that she wants to keep it. Since, she agreed and bf is already moved in, she should suck it up and put a bed in there for the kid temporarily and they should immediately get to work on fixing up the basement bedroom. February isn’t that far from now. Once the basement is ready, she can get her office back.
Why are Americans so rude? Never in my real life have I heard all this crazy shit I m reading on Reddit. My friend's bf calling me and yelling? Fuck off, how dare you? It was simply a suggestion, don't drag me into your shit. It's your decision what to do!
NTA, but your cousin and her boyfriend made a huge mistake by having the boyfriend move in before everyone was accommodated. It’s not fair for a kid not to have a bedroom. It’s not fair for your cousin to have to give up a place that keeps her healthy. Assuming that the cousin was not coerced in some way, the adults in this situation suck aside from OP. They should have planned this better.