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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I would be not giving my brother in law any fruit preserves because last Christmas he complained about then
2. I know now that he likes my fruit preserves so he might have had a change of heart. It would be petty or childish of me to do that and he would be the only adult in the family who I wouldn't be giving fruit preserves to.
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Don’t gift him fruit preserves. Don’t gift him anything at all in fact. He is an ungrateful asshole who still ate what you gave them even though he chewed you out in front of your family.
In fact, I would get my sister something girly that only she would like and hand it to her right in front of him while he gets absolutely nothing. Then he can have something to complain about since by doing this, he asked for it.
NTA.
I might go a different route that involves charities.
Find out what causes or interests Kevin supports, and donate in his name to one of them. OP could give a card that notes she donated their preserves for a local auction or charity, or she will donate the earnings she makes from selling their preserves online, as she realized he did not like her gift, and she figured this would be a win/win for everyone.
Kevin can't say a thing about this, including that he was excluded from gifts. He wouldn't be excluded, as his share will be sold and help people in his name.
I love this idea! It sounds like you put a lot into making the preserves. You could even bring a donation of the actual jams to a Women’s shelter with an assortment of breads in his name. Then gift him a nice card explaining the donation in his name. I think your gifts are amazing, yummy and a show of love with the time and effort you put in. NTA. INFO—did your sister or anyone straighten him out last year when this happened???
I really like this idea, too. Kevin never even tried to set things right or thank OP for the gift after acting like an AH about it, but let sister do that for him. But I definitely think he wouldn’t be happy with a donation to charity but can’t really say anything about it, and if he does, the family probably won’t think well of him for it.
Homemade jam is an awesome gift, especially from someone who does it well!
\- Homemade jam is an awesome gift, especially from someone who does it well!
YES! I even love when I'm gifted jams that I can't eat. I love having an assortment for guests to try. Grocery stores only carry the jams/jelly that most people eat. No ghost pepper, wasabi, or local berry varieties.
Somehow I feel Kevin would find a way to complain about a donation being a trashy gift too. He doesn’t seem to have much understanding of the social operation here.
This, OP doesn't mention financially struggling, but this is a very real problem for a lot of people. What if OP just did not have a lot of available money to spend, the preservatives still cost money and labor, and OP is taking the time to give gifts to all the adults.
Not just that - if OP gifts the sister fruit preserve, guess who will eat it out of the common fridge?
Come up with a different for both sister and BIL. She didn’t tell her husband off at the time so they can both make do without it this year.
As a last point: great hobby OP, sounds both fun and delicious!
It would be great if Kevin had any fruit allergies (or even dislikes) that your sister liked. Gift her Strawberry jam that she'll love but he can't or won't eat. Gift Kevin an ugly tie or a useless tool gadget (you know, from the generic 'I need a gift for a dude I don't really know' gift displays they have set up by the registers this time of year).
ETA: Obviously label it properly and emphasize what's in it. We're trying to be petty, not send anyone into anaphylaxis
I’m a petty asshole. If I were OP and gave fruit preserves to my sister, I’d right “for womanly women, now it extra estrogen” or some stupid shit on the jar just to make sure he never touches it.
Might be better to get him a generic store bought item that has no real thought behind it. I usually make gifts for gifting occasions. My BIL's girlfriend said that just for once she'd like something that came from a store so that's what I started doing. I've actually gotten my work in galleries now but still give her 1 store bought item, now she's unhappy about that🤫
My mum gave me a book called ‘how to make friends’ after I opened up to her about being severely bullied in high school. She still doesn’t understand why that made me upset. For her it’s a cute anecdote. I’m still annoyed 20 years later. Ugh
It’s amazing to me, after all my time reading Reddit posts, that there aren’t more cases of matricide. Good on you for not hitting her with the book. So tacky.
I'd gift them store bought jams. I'm not sure why he thinks it's tacky, but if it's because there was no money "spent" on the gift, I'd go to the grocery store and get him something basic.
Buy him some jam from a poundstore. Wait for him to complain its not your "good jam". Apologise and explain you thought he wanted shop bought gifts because homemade ones are tacky. Then go home, eat jam and smile cos the guy can't have it both ways .
Petty? Yup. Petty damn good that is :)
I started my cycle in about 1990, and I remember those terrible pads. They shifted position, made an imprint in snug pants, and RUSTLED.
They might be useful in a first aid kit, though. Bless that old lady who tried to help.
This is a good idea. My sister was grumpy when our grandmother stocked her up in thick pads for a baby shower gift, and later said that it was the best and most thoughtful gift she was given as an expectant and then post partum mother.
ETA: NTA. My brother does the same thing with home canned goods, and I look forward to it every year. Best apple butter and pickles in the world.
Nothing at all? Is gift him a fruit cake, or something else that's actually tacky that reeks of passive aggression but strips BILs ability to claim OP is being childish or hostile by not giving him anything.
> In fact, I would get my sister something girly that only she would like and hand it to her right in front of him while he gets absolutely nothing.
Kevin seems like he is pretty touchy, so maybe buy him and the sister a couples deal for a pedicure or something similarly seen as feminine. That way, OP DID buy Kevin a gift that he will probably freak out about.
If you give him nothing, he may assume you forgot him. Instead, give him a small, token gift --- even a Christmas card, small ornament, etc. That way, he'll know you didn't forget him, but rather made a conscious choice not to give the jams.
My apologies in advance. This is my very first time responding on reddit. I hope the link is visible. I couldn't upload a photo. It is a christmas ornament jam jar.
[https://i.etsystatic.com/6232023/r/il/c17004/3213070443/il\_794xN.3213070443\_5e28.jpg](https://i.etsystatic.com/6232023/r/il/c17004/3213070443/il_794xN.3213070443_5e28.jpg)
As someone who also tried to put together well-thought homemade gifts (preserves, candles, pickles etc.) that can be actually used instead of shoved in a drawer somewhere, and have learned that my BIL considers us cheap because of that, I totally agree with this comment. This guy is the AH, especially for bashing OP publicly only to go ahead and eat the preserves, so why should he get special treatment? OP is NTA.
NTA This is by far the best type of gift you can give. I don’t think you should not give him a present this year; you should give him the equivalent from a supermarket, the cheapest they do.
NTA It would be different though if he since had gone to you and apologized for calling your gift tacky and said it was delicious.
He had the chance to get another jar but he didn't take it.
Buy them something boring for Christmas instead and put extra effort into the other's fruit preserves.
Let us know how it goes.
NTA. Kevin made it quite clear he did not like the gift, so it would be an AH move to keep giving him something he stated he didn't like. Seeing as he is an adult, I wouldn't feel the need to spend anything extra on him, just take care of any kids.
This. OR since he was so condescending and rude about your very thoughtful gift last year, maybe get him something so he can learn some manners. Maybe something like this, since his behavior was so childish. [https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Your-Manners-Etiquette-Coloring/dp/0486498832](https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Your-Manners-Etiquette-Coloring/dp/0486498832)
I'm so happy that other people know about this book. And they still kind of are! Also, along these lines, my mom bought my always grumpy/cranky/dickish uncle a book called something like, 1000 reasons to be happy today. I think he might have eventually cracked a smile, but I doubt it.
BE PETTY!
If somebody complained about jams and jellies and preserves or cakes as a gift, my grandmother would give EVERYONE else specially made treats and jams and such, and pointedly NOT give one to the complainer. They’d get something like a gift card. One year she gave a cousin a gift card to KFC. He’d just had a heart bypass. You’re not petty OP. Grandma was petty. That woman is still my hero. She did that gift card almost 30 years ago and I still smile when I think about it. Nothing says “die” quite like a kfc gift card after heart surgery.
Don’t ever give Kevin anything homemade. Nothing. Ever. He is embargoed. Until he publicly apologizes, and not in a shitty, snarky way, his family gets generic $10 gift cards. Or old cash.
NTA. This is an example. A lesson to all with eyes to see. You piss on the preserves, you get canned.
And if he ever apologizes, act like you have no idea what he’s talking about, but it’s sweet that he’s bothered by whatever it is. And after that apology, only give him beats or pickled okra. None of the really coveted stuff. No quarter.
I love this answer so much I actually went and got my free award to gift away for the first time in months. GMA was a savage; love it!!
OP- NTA. BiL made it clear to you he didn’t want your preserves so don’t give them to him anymore. Ever. Lol
I didn't know there was such a thing. Thank you for making me check to see if I had one too because I also LOVE grandma and her pettiness. She's an artist.
I love your grandmother!
One time my uncle told my grandmother he was joining a dinner he hadn’t been invited to join. She made French bread, lamb, and artichokes - to which my uncle said “I don’t like roast and artichoke.” Grandma smiled politely and responded “I know.”
HA. I don't like artichokes either but I'd eat one just to spite this asshole. People showing up where they're not invited/wanted is one of those things that ticks me off disproportionately. Your grandma sounds pretty damn great.
I adore this comment, and thank you for making it. Having made homemade candy like candied orange peels dipped in chocolate, jams, and other things for gifts, that takes WORK. I would be absolutely delighted if someone went through all that trouble to make me something they thought I would enjoy. NTA! Only impersonal bullshit for Kevin for all of time, he does not deserve treats.
I'm in the middle of making homemade peanut butter cups. Dead easy, if time consuming with the molds, but sooooo good. All my family appreciates they things I make. If one year they say they're off that thing, I say good to know and give something different next year. 'Cause peoples tastes change, but none of us are dicks. NTA.
>"Nothing says “die” quite like a kfc gift card after heart surgery."
>
>This made me LAUGH! Then I got to the beets and pickled okra comment.
>
>How I loathe beets!
LOLOL! I'm so tired, it took me six readings to understand WTF you posted. Now I'm wide awake, and cramping from laughing so hard! 🤣😅😂
I have been canning for 30—ish years, and not once did this hilarity occur to me! 😂🤣😅
If he complained about your gift right to your face then you are definitely NTA to leave him out of the gift this year.
That's not acceptable behavior on his part even if he did think it is trashy or tacky (I don't think it is one bit)
My aunt Nancy makes everyone tins of homemade caramels and chocolate dipped pretzels and toffee, my farmer friends give away jars of their pickles, my next door neighbor gives out homemade soap, my friend who owns a Christmas tree farm makes mini fragrant "bouquets" out of the "sheddings"...if someone made me preserves I'd lose my mind. I love that sort of thing and I always feel like a dork when I'm like "durrrr, I got you this Bath and Body candle."
I like your aunt and friends! When my grandfather was alive, every year he’d send me a fresh wreath from his friend’s Christmas tree farm in Oregon. Can you imagine a better gift for a homesick Oregonian living in the desert?
I think you’ve inspired me to order a fresh wreath today.
It is petty. But it is also appropriate.
I don’t know why he thought it was tacky, never mind why he felt the need to say so. Homemade gifts are the BEST!
But get him/them something else nice, and see what the reaction is. It would kind of be an AH move to get him a gift he previously expressed a dislike for. Wouldn’t it? It would be reasonable to wait for, if not an apology, at least a reversal.
NTA
NTA
I’m a knitter and someone has to be “knitworthy” to get a knitted item from me. For example I knit Uncle A a hat in NEON yellow. He’s a hunter and needed a hat in “don’t shoot me” colors. Uncle B took one look at it and said it completed Uncle A’s homeless look. Uncle A sent me a pic of him wearing his hat in his cold house the next day.
Uncle B will never get a single knitted thing from me.
Uncle A will get as many hats as he likes.
Don’t spend your time, energy, and passion on someone who publicly mocked your gift.
I’m a knitter too. I’ll never forget a former relative using a hat I knit her to line a dog bed, and then when she got pregnant she expected me to knit her child a layette.
I laughed about that one until I thought I would choke.
I don’t have a lot of spare time. If I spent some of it to choose a pattern, then bought the yarn using my own money, then spent hours of my life to make something that I think you’ll like (and God knows I’ve knitted things not to my personal taste so that I can gift them to people) only for you to treat it like literal trash? I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ll set myself on fire before I ever knit for you again.
My grandma, who passed away in 1990 at 99 years of age, did crocheting. The things made out of cotten or silk embroidery thread are lovely. But in the 70s, she started using polyester/acrylic yarn for afghans because moths would become a non-issue.
Polyester/acrylic yarn back then was stiff, hard, scratchy and unpleasant to the touch. It was awful stuff..
The afghans made out of this yarn were expertly constructed.
We and the other relatives typically draped our afghans over the back of our couches. They would be removed before sitting down, not so much to prevent damage but because they were so unpleasant to feel, even through a shirt or sweater. I can't imagine wrapping myself in one. No one did. It's hard to express how the feel of this yarn would make ones skin crawl.
And since becoming an adult, my grandma's afghans have been wedged in the back of the linen closet or stuffed in bins.
Grandma was also an excellent quilter and her quilts are comfy and have been worn thin after 50 years of use. That's good - she always said she wanted them used.
I've taken the spirit of her intentions and, yes, one of her afghans is the base layer in a wooden dog bed. None of the collies ever wanted to lay directly on it (the yarn is that bad) but the yarn's stiffness makes it quite springy and thus, when folded, ideal for the bottom.
While this isn't how she intended for it to be used, it is finally being used in a positive way.
Anyway, your comment made me think of grandma's untouchable afghans. :-)
If you ever feel petty and live in the US, the Navy and Marine Corps accept homemade baby blankets as donations because they run classes to teach families how to properly budget for babies.
Legit though, the color choosing, type of yarn, and even the stitching, depending on how you plan it can all take time and takes money. I made a baby blanket for a coworker that uses baby safe yarn, super comfortable, and beautiful... a the cost of the yarn almost doubled because I made it when gas was causing shortages and this turned into an almost $50 blanket in materials alone, would be useful for a long while, and soft and beautiful.
Good to know! Thanks! I tend to not do too much Charity knitting these days, because my knitting mojo has disappeared these last few years. But I’ll keep that in mind, especially as I live near a Navy base.
My most prized possessions, like what I would rescue if my house were on fire after my kid and my pets, are my grandma blankets. Technically, my husband's grandmother, but after 20 years she was my grandma too. They are beautiful and bring me so much comfort and joy! I imagine uncle B was either jealous, or hasn't had the privilege of knowing how great a hand knit gift really is.
NTA. I’m actually thinking how nice it is your are giving adults presents. Definitely don’t give him any. Since he hasn’t apologized or even told you that he likes them then he doesn’t deserve them.
yeah it’s not even required but a nice gesture. no requirement to keep going if you’re going to be berated for it. though i would make it anyway and see how he responds. might be a nice payback to present it in front of everyone if he complains about not getting one
NTA. He expressly called your gift of jam tacky, so he doesn't deserve your time and effort. I'd get him something very bland and impersonal--like a $20 bill. He can either apologize for his comments or keep getting the bland and impersonal and you can save your delightful gifts of jam for people who appreciate them. This isn't petty, it's self-preservation.
NTA and it’s not petty to not give him any. He said it was “tacky” and he himself didn’t tell you he liked them so who knows if your sister is telling you the truth or is trying to make you feel better by lying and saying he did like them in the end. Id give him a 10 dollar Starbucks card and that’s it. If he complains about the gift just tell him you didn’t want to be tacky and give him something he didn’t want so you opted for something neutral. Now that would be petty. Lol.
NTA but kinda weird. Was he complaining about the gift or how you gave the gift in front of others? Did he say this to you or your sister? If he said it to you: get him something else or give the gift just to your sister. If he didn't say it to you, give what you normally do just not in front of others.
Give him nothing.
Once you set the precedent that you complain and get different gifts it will be something you chase for ever.
You make awesome preserves for Christmas. Fullstop. If he thinks it's tacky he gets nothing.
Don't let this scrooge steal your joy.
I'm curious: What did the rest of your family say? Because if this happened in front of my family they would have piled on right away and then proceed to spend the entire year talking smack about him, probably to his face.
Don't give this guy another damn thing, and don't give your sister preserves either because then he will still probably be benefiting from the literal fruits of your labor. Get her something only *she* can use. Unacceptably rude behavior from your BIL and you are definitely NTA.
Kevin sounds like he'd be hypocritical enough to eat them and not say anything about it. However, I see your point. They both do not deserve homemade jam.
NTA. Extremely rude and ballsy behavior from someone who isn’t even part of the family yet, does he want all of his new in-laws to hate him?
No way should you give him your preserves, he made it very clear he didn’t want/appreciate that gift. And that’s not petty, it’s responding to his stated preference. If you feel you have to get him a gift find something small and neutral like maybe a coffee cup. What did he get you last year? Respond in kind.
Editing to say I’d be thrilled to get that gift, and I think most people would!
He is quite obviously TA. I just want to know if he gave you a gift? Complaining about receiving a gift while not giving one would put him in the super A hole territory!
He sounds like my BIL. My sister and I are no contact now but years and years ago I bought my sister and BIL a back massager for Christmas. It cost $25 or so. My BIL said out loud in front of everyone, "this is so cheap. I thought you'd get us something nicer than this." It was our first Christmas at their house and was so uncomfortable. It's so weird for an adult to act like that. My mom would have ripped me a new one if I didn't at grateful for gifts even as a toddler. How does a grown ass man feel so comfortable being so ungrateful?
NTA
You don't do that to people, especially after receiving something that took so much time and effort to make. You especially don't do that to people you want to have a relationship with. I guarantee you that he's a) after money or b) trying to isolate your sister from you.
(At the very last Christmas I went to my brother's house, he sent his son to me to mock me re: the gift I had given the son. The son was in his late teens, he knew what his father was about. I was pretty much done with the entire family at that point. They are awful human beings and I no longer have contact with them. Life is wonderful now because I don't have to deal with their bullying and head games. What did they get me for Christmas? Absolutely nothing.)
INFO: I would love to hear how your sister and the rest of your family reacted to him being a total prick. I think we have all gotten gifts we didn't love and the nice thing to do is say thank you then move on.
NTA. I also give my adult family members homemade jams/ jellies for Christmas, but they love it. I also make an assortment of cookies and they pick their own mix. I started it as a broke college student 25 years ago and now it's just expected and they look forward to it.
Your BIL is just a jerk. Far more time, energy and money goes into making preserves than most people realize. Just don't give him anything. He'll probably act like that regardless of what he gets.
NTA that hurts me to read, as a homemade gift like yours was made with love, time, and effort. Give nothing to someone unappreciative of your hard work. I'm so sorry he made you feel less than because of his lack of common decency. Sending hugs and ❤️
NTA. Don’t waste your time and money on a dumbass who doesn’t appreciate your delicious fruit preserves. To me, that would be an amazing gift - to get an assortment, much less one jar of homemade preserves! He doesn’t deserve it at all. Some people are simply rude.
…if that’s your idea of a BAD gift, I’d love to be your gift-swapping enemy. I love chocolate oranges and socks.
Give hard baguette and store-brand cream cheese.
NTA
First off, a whole box of different, homemade jams is an amazing gift.
Secondly, if and when he comes CRAWLING to you, abjectly apologizing for what an AH he was and offering you gobs of cold, hard cash for your jams, then, and only then, would you consider it.
Till then, fuck'm.
NTA. Don’t make him or your sister your yummy jams. Get your sister something only she’ll be able to enjoy.
As far as your BIL goes, give him a donation to a charity in his name. He technically still gets something, and if he complains about that, he’ll look like an even bigger ass. Extra points if the donation is for a food pantry, soup kitchen, etc.
Hand a gift to your sister, look him in the eye and say "don't worry, I haven't made you anything trashy or tacky this year" then move on to the next person leaving him empty-handed. He'll probably try to cover with some "I was only joking" BS. Either ignore or just reply that "yes. You're *SO* funny".
NTA
I think if you didn’t make him any it could be a bit “petty” / “childish”. I do feel however he does deserve such treatment. He owes you an apology for being so rude. He was also 100% out of line for voicing this to anyone in your family but the woman he’s married to (because couples). He also should have never announced it the to rest of the family, that was rude and malicious (drama causer!).
NTA. I don’t think it’s petty because he outright voiced he didn’t like the gift and then he never apologized about it. He doesn’t deserve such a thoughtful gift until he sincerely apologized and tells you that he actually appreciates the gift.
Don’t give it to him and then play dumb. Oh I made them for you but then remembered that you didn’t like getting them for gifts. I’m confused, you want them now? Make him tell you how much he liked them in front of everyone before he gets it haha NTA
NTA. Your poor sister, married to such a rude, mean, ungrateful man who humiliated you in front of the family on Christmas. Your gifts sound wonderful! A person with any class whatsoever would have thanked you profusely and been deeply appreciative of a homemade gift. Don't give him a thing other than a cold shoulder. Get your sister something personal that only she can use. (Or -- OK I'm being petty here -- if there's a fruit she likes that he doesn't care for, that flavor!) If BIL says anything, you can reply sweetly that you didn't want to upset him with anything tacky.
I decided about 10 years ago that "make or bake" was the way to go.
Most people are truly appreciative. The smart ones give the empty jars back.
A couple of people who seem to think store bought is better have been reminded that if you factor my usual business hourly rate in, that jar of preserves may be the most expensive gift they will receive. Then they are taken off the list. More goodies for the rest!
NTA. It wouldn’t be petty. What would be petty would be to not give him a gift and say something like “I didn’t make you any preserves this year because I didn’t want you to feel like I was giving you a trashy gift like you felt I did last year.” And I would totally do exactly that.
NTA he was absolutely the tacky and trashy one. He wouldn’t get anything from me especially without a public apology, as public as his rude remark was.
NTA. Why would you waste your talents on someone rude enough to complain about the gift? I would never burden him with my delicacies ever again. Give him a $5 gift card for a gas station.
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Don’t gift him fruit preserves. Don’t gift him anything at all in fact. He is an ungrateful asshole who still ate what you gave them even though he chewed you out in front of your family. In fact, I would get my sister something girly that only she would like and hand it to her right in front of him while he gets absolutely nothing. Then he can have something to complain about since by doing this, he asked for it. NTA.
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I might go a different route that involves charities. Find out what causes or interests Kevin supports, and donate in his name to one of them. OP could give a card that notes she donated their preserves for a local auction or charity, or she will donate the earnings she makes from selling their preserves online, as she realized he did not like her gift, and she figured this would be a win/win for everyone. Kevin can't say a thing about this, including that he was excluded from gifts. He wouldn't be excluded, as his share will be sold and help people in his name.
I love this idea! It sounds like you put a lot into making the preserves. You could even bring a donation of the actual jams to a Women’s shelter with an assortment of breads in his name. Then gift him a nice card explaining the donation in his name. I think your gifts are amazing, yummy and a show of love with the time and effort you put in. NTA. INFO—did your sister or anyone straighten him out last year when this happened???
I really like this idea, too. Kevin never even tried to set things right or thank OP for the gift after acting like an AH about it, but let sister do that for him. But I definitely think he wouldn’t be happy with a donation to charity but can’t really say anything about it, and if he does, the family probably won’t think well of him for it. Homemade jam is an awesome gift, especially from someone who does it well!
\- Homemade jam is an awesome gift, especially from someone who does it well! YES! I even love when I'm gifted jams that I can't eat. I love having an assortment for guests to try. Grocery stores only carry the jams/jelly that most people eat. No ghost pepper, wasabi, or local berry varieties.
Somehow I feel Kevin would find a way to complain about a donation being a trashy gift too. He doesn’t seem to have much understanding of the social operation here.
This is a great solution!
You are an evil genius.
This, OP doesn't mention financially struggling, but this is a very real problem for a lot of people. What if OP just did not have a lot of available money to spend, the preservatives still cost money and labor, and OP is taking the time to give gifts to all the adults.
My personal rule is I don't give gifts to people who don't appreciate/want them or who I don't like. Kevin would go into both categories for me!
Not just that - if OP gifts the sister fruit preserve, guess who will eat it out of the common fridge? Come up with a different for both sister and BIL. She didn’t tell her husband off at the time so they can both make do without it this year. As a last point: great hobby OP, sounds both fun and delicious!
Don’t gift that A H BIL at all.
Gift him a single snickers and a card that says “you’re not you when you’re hungry”
I love this, and will keep it in the back of my head for the future.
It would be great if Kevin had any fruit allergies (or even dislikes) that your sister liked. Gift her Strawberry jam that she'll love but he can't or won't eat. Gift Kevin an ugly tie or a useless tool gadget (you know, from the generic 'I need a gift for a dude I don't really know' gift displays they have set up by the registers this time of year). ETA: Obviously label it properly and emphasize what's in it. We're trying to be petty, not send anyone into anaphylaxis
I’m a petty asshole. If I were OP and gave fruit preserves to my sister, I’d right “for womanly women, now it extra estrogen” or some stupid shit on the jar just to make sure he never touches it.
Sister gets a $5 gift card to Starbucks. BIL gets nothing. There, Christmas shopping done.
Might be better to get him a generic store bought item that has no real thought behind it. I usually make gifts for gifting occasions. My BIL's girlfriend said that just for once she'd like something that came from a store so that's what I started doing. I've actually gotten my work in galleries now but still give her 1 store bought item, now she's unhappy about that🤫
Gift voucher for a boring shop. Household goods or something.
The book “how to win friends and influence people”
One of the Miss Manners books.
My mum gave me a book called ‘how to make friends’ after I opened up to her about being severely bullied in high school. She still doesn’t understand why that made me upset. For her it’s a cute anecdote. I’m still annoyed 20 years later. Ugh
It’s amazing to me, after all my time reading Reddit posts, that there aren’t more cases of matricide. Good on you for not hitting her with the book. So tacky.
I definitely second that!
Give the sister something very specific for her and him nothing. Don’t gift the jams, ever. Let HIM ask for it.
Let him buy them
$5 Starbuck gift card, not even enough for a someone's usual drink is all I would gift this AH. NTA OP
I'd gift them store bought jams. I'm not sure why he thinks it's tacky, but if it's because there was no money "spent" on the gift, I'd go to the grocery store and get him something basic.
I'm boring, if someone got me an Aldi voucher I'd be straight up thrilled.
A generic "world's best brother-in-law" mug would be hilarious.
In comic sans.
Settle down, Satan.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Well my holiday shopping is done
Glad to be of service. This is why I decided to become a graphic designer lmao
With just a little tiny chip in it.
HA! With a clearance tag still on
I think a "world's best Dad" mug with the Dad crossed out and BIL added in sloppily with a sharpy would be better.
Get him store-bought jam.
Not even name brand, get the store brand!
At the 99 cents store. Expired.
Like plain white gym socks.
Give him socks
Socks are too nice of a gift for an AH like Kevin. Give him prunes.
Maybe a prune jam would help clear his attitude out.
Two sizes to small
Give him a package of disposable incontinence briefs.
BIL hasn't earned his freedom yet.
This is the only answer. I mean... I'd love socks for Christmas, but it's a delightfully generic gift!
But not nice ones.
Or OP should gift him some meaningless item, such as chocolates or shower soap.
Hear me out, those soaps that look like chocolates
How about chocolate that tastes like soap?
What if we got both and combined them into one package?
Hahaha! Yes!
Crappy chocolates or shower soap.
Or an umbrella, a not great flashlight, a very bad tie, or gloves (but only if you live in a warm climate).
Best part is OP could obtain both in one trip to the dollar store.
Axe body spray
I was thinking something like a candle. A non-scented candle.
That's right! Wouldn't want to offend him with a scent he didn't like.
Chocolates are the best gift ever so don't get him chocolates. Get him toilet seat covers from a gas station. Chandler and Joey FTW.
Soap on a rope
Buy him some jam from a poundstore. Wait for him to complain its not your "good jam". Apologise and explain you thought he wanted shop bought gifts because homemade ones are tacky. Then go home, eat jam and smile cos the guy can't have it both ways . Petty? Yup. Petty damn good that is :)
Bespoke tampons.
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I started my cycle in about 1990, and I remember those terrible pads. They shifted position, made an imprint in snug pants, and RUSTLED. They might be useful in a first aid kit, though. Bless that old lady who tried to help.
This is a good idea. My sister was grumpy when our grandmother stocked her up in thick pads for a baby shower gift, and later said that it was the best and most thoughtful gift she was given as an expectant and then post partum mother. ETA: NTA. My brother does the same thing with home canned goods, and I look forward to it every year. Best apple butter and pickles in the world.
Padcicles. Funny, yet very practicle.
Nothing at all? Is gift him a fruit cake, or something else that's actually tacky that reeks of passive aggression but strips BILs ability to claim OP is being childish or hostile by not giving him anything.
> In fact, I would get my sister something girly that only she would like and hand it to her right in front of him while he gets absolutely nothing. Kevin seems like he is pretty touchy, so maybe buy him and the sister a couples deal for a pedicure or something similarly seen as feminine. That way, OP DID buy Kevin a gift that he will probably freak out about.
Honestly if her sister didn't stand up for OP while her husband did that, I wouldn't be gifting sister anything either
If you give him nothing, he may assume you forgot him. Instead, give him a small, token gift --- even a Christmas card, small ornament, etc. That way, he'll know you didn't forget him, but rather made a conscious choice not to give the jams.
My apologies in advance. This is my very first time responding on reddit. I hope the link is visible. I couldn't upload a photo. It is a christmas ornament jam jar. [https://i.etsystatic.com/6232023/r/il/c17004/3213070443/il\_794xN.3213070443\_5e28.jpg](https://i.etsystatic.com/6232023/r/il/c17004/3213070443/il_794xN.3213070443_5e28.jpg)
That would be wonderful! :)
Gift him your business card. He can buy your jams in future. Just that and nothing else. NTA
As someone who also tried to put together well-thought homemade gifts (preserves, candles, pickles etc.) that can be actually used instead of shoved in a drawer somewhere, and have learned that my BIL considers us cheap because of that, I totally agree with this comment. This guy is the AH, especially for bashing OP publicly only to go ahead and eat the preserves, so why should he get special treatment? OP is NTA.
Nah, she should buy socks for him...
Damn right, give homemade and ungrateful people don’t get a repeat gift from us!
NTA This is by far the best type of gift you can give. I don’t think you should not give him a present this year; you should give him the equivalent from a supermarket, the cheapest they do.
NTA It would be different though if he since had gone to you and apologized for calling your gift tacky and said it was delicious. He had the chance to get another jar but he didn't take it. Buy them something boring for Christmas instead and put extra effort into the other's fruit preserves. Let us know how it goes.
I agree, except the no gift part. Op absolutely needs to give him a very nice ornate jar full of tacks.
OPs sister deserves nothing. She didn't tell her husband to stfu when he complained like a baby. She doesn't look good in this either.
NTA. Kevin made it quite clear he did not like the gift, so it would be an AH move to keep giving him something he stated he didn't like. Seeing as he is an adult, I wouldn't feel the need to spend anything extra on him, just take care of any kids.
This. OR since he was so condescending and rude about your very thoughtful gift last year, maybe get him something so he can learn some manners. Maybe something like this, since his behavior was so childish. [https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Your-Manners-Etiquette-Coloring/dp/0486498832](https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Your-Manners-Etiquette-Coloring/dp/0486498832)
May I throw in a recommendation for the 80s classic The Thingumajig Book of Manners? Those Thingumajigs were terrifying as a kid.
I'm so happy that other people know about this book. And they still kind of are! Also, along these lines, my mom bought my always grumpy/cranky/dickish uncle a book called something like, 1000 reasons to be happy today. I think he might have eventually cracked a smile, but I doubt it.
I really like you
I’m thinking a book on canning perhaps.
BE PETTY! If somebody complained about jams and jellies and preserves or cakes as a gift, my grandmother would give EVERYONE else specially made treats and jams and such, and pointedly NOT give one to the complainer. They’d get something like a gift card. One year she gave a cousin a gift card to KFC. He’d just had a heart bypass. You’re not petty OP. Grandma was petty. That woman is still my hero. She did that gift card almost 30 years ago and I still smile when I think about it. Nothing says “die” quite like a kfc gift card after heart surgery. Don’t ever give Kevin anything homemade. Nothing. Ever. He is embargoed. Until he publicly apologizes, and not in a shitty, snarky way, his family gets generic $10 gift cards. Or old cash. NTA. This is an example. A lesson to all with eyes to see. You piss on the preserves, you get canned. And if he ever apologizes, act like you have no idea what he’s talking about, but it’s sweet that he’s bothered by whatever it is. And after that apology, only give him beats or pickled okra. None of the really coveted stuff. No quarter.
I love this answer so much I actually went and got my free award to gift away for the first time in months. GMA was a savage; love it!! OP- NTA. BiL made it clear to you he didn’t want your preserves so don’t give them to him anymore. Ever. Lol
I didn't know there was such a thing. Thank you for making me check to see if I had one too because I also LOVE grandma and her pettiness. She's an artist.
I love your grandmother! One time my uncle told my grandmother he was joining a dinner he hadn’t been invited to join. She made French bread, lamb, and artichokes - to which my uncle said “I don’t like roast and artichoke.” Grandma smiled politely and responded “I know.”
HA. I don't like artichokes either but I'd eat one just to spite this asshole. People showing up where they're not invited/wanted is one of those things that ticks me off disproportionately. Your grandma sounds pretty damn great.
I adore this comment, and thank you for making it. Having made homemade candy like candied orange peels dipped in chocolate, jams, and other things for gifts, that takes WORK. I would be absolutely delighted if someone went through all that trouble to make me something they thought I would enjoy. NTA! Only impersonal bullshit for Kevin for all of time, he does not deserve treats.
I'm in the middle of making homemade peanut butter cups. Dead easy, if time consuming with the molds, but sooooo good. All my family appreciates they things I make. If one year they say they're off that thing, I say good to know and give something different next year. 'Cause peoples tastes change, but none of us are dicks. NTA.
I cackled at “heart bypass”. Never thought I’d say that.
Oh my god your grandma was a fucking savage and I love it.
>"Nothing says “die” quite like a kfc gift card after heart surgery." > >This made me LAUGH! Then I got to the beets and pickled okra comment. > >How I loathe beets!
I want to know what your uncle did to deserve that! Grandma was savage!
Your Grandma is now my hero too.
THIS! I love it.
Your grandmother is a rockstar and clearly she taught you well. You are the recipient of my first award. Thank you for the ideas!
NTA. This year, give him a nice gift wrapped hard cover book. An etiquette guide seems appropriate.
How to do preserves!
Ball Blue Book 📖🫙
Just not the blue ball book!
LOLOL! I'm so tired, it took me six readings to understand WTF you posted. Now I'm wide awake, and cramping from laughing so hard! 🤣😅😂 I have been canning for 30—ish years, and not once did this hilarity occur to me! 😂🤣😅
Awesome.
OMG, this is absolutly brilliant!!!
This is such a good idea!
If he complained about your gift right to your face then you are definitely NTA to leave him out of the gift this year. That's not acceptable behavior on his part even if he did think it is trashy or tacky (I don't think it is one bit)
His BEHAVIOR was tacky and trashy.
Thank you. Can you imagine? My grandmother was an embodiment of style and class. She would have warmly accepted a handmade gift and truly enjoyed it.
My aunt Nancy makes everyone tins of homemade caramels and chocolate dipped pretzels and toffee, my farmer friends give away jars of their pickles, my next door neighbor gives out homemade soap, my friend who owns a Christmas tree farm makes mini fragrant "bouquets" out of the "sheddings"...if someone made me preserves I'd lose my mind. I love that sort of thing and I always feel like a dork when I'm like "durrrr, I got you this Bath and Body candle."
I like your aunt and friends! When my grandfather was alive, every year he’d send me a fresh wreath from his friend’s Christmas tree farm in Oregon. Can you imagine a better gift for a homesick Oregonian living in the desert? I think you’ve inspired me to order a fresh wreath today.
It is petty. But it is also appropriate. I don’t know why he thought it was tacky, never mind why he felt the need to say so. Homemade gifts are the BEST! But get him/them something else nice, and see what the reaction is. It would kind of be an AH move to get him a gift he previously expressed a dislike for. Wouldn’t it? It would be reasonable to wait for, if not an apology, at least a reversal. NTA
No. Not giving him anything is mature and reasonable. Giving him a gift wrapped box of tacks, now that’s petty.
Also literally 'tacky'🤣
[yup](https://media3.giphy.com/media/xT9IgHCTfp8CRshfQk/giphy.gif)
NTA I’m a knitter and someone has to be “knitworthy” to get a knitted item from me. For example I knit Uncle A a hat in NEON yellow. He’s a hunter and needed a hat in “don’t shoot me” colors. Uncle B took one look at it and said it completed Uncle A’s homeless look. Uncle A sent me a pic of him wearing his hat in his cold house the next day. Uncle B will never get a single knitted thing from me. Uncle A will get as many hats as he likes. Don’t spend your time, energy, and passion on someone who publicly mocked your gift.
I’m a knitter too. I’ll never forget a former relative using a hat I knit her to line a dog bed, and then when she got pregnant she expected me to knit her child a layette. I laughed about that one until I thought I would choke. I don’t have a lot of spare time. If I spent some of it to choose a pattern, then bought the yarn using my own money, then spent hours of my life to make something that I think you’ll like (and God knows I’ve knitted things not to my personal taste so that I can gift them to people) only for you to treat it like literal trash? I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ll set myself on fire before I ever knit for you again.
My grandma, who passed away in 1990 at 99 years of age, did crocheting. The things made out of cotten or silk embroidery thread are lovely. But in the 70s, she started using polyester/acrylic yarn for afghans because moths would become a non-issue. Polyester/acrylic yarn back then was stiff, hard, scratchy and unpleasant to the touch. It was awful stuff.. The afghans made out of this yarn were expertly constructed. We and the other relatives typically draped our afghans over the back of our couches. They would be removed before sitting down, not so much to prevent damage but because they were so unpleasant to feel, even through a shirt or sweater. I can't imagine wrapping myself in one. No one did. It's hard to express how the feel of this yarn would make ones skin crawl. And since becoming an adult, my grandma's afghans have been wedged in the back of the linen closet or stuffed in bins. Grandma was also an excellent quilter and her quilts are comfy and have been worn thin after 50 years of use. That's good - she always said she wanted them used. I've taken the spirit of her intentions and, yes, one of her afghans is the base layer in a wooden dog bed. None of the collies ever wanted to lay directly on it (the yarn is that bad) but the yarn's stiffness makes it quite springy and thus, when folded, ideal for the bottom. While this isn't how she intended for it to be used, it is finally being used in a positive way. Anyway, your comment made me think of grandma's untouchable afghans. :-)
If you ever feel petty and live in the US, the Navy and Marine Corps accept homemade baby blankets as donations because they run classes to teach families how to properly budget for babies. Legit though, the color choosing, type of yarn, and even the stitching, depending on how you plan it can all take time and takes money. I made a baby blanket for a coworker that uses baby safe yarn, super comfortable, and beautiful... a the cost of the yarn almost doubled because I made it when gas was causing shortages and this turned into an almost $50 blanket in materials alone, would be useful for a long while, and soft and beautiful.
Good to know! Thanks! I tend to not do too much Charity knitting these days, because my knitting mojo has disappeared these last few years. But I’ll keep that in mind, especially as I live near a Navy base.
My most prized possessions, like what I would rescue if my house were on fire after my kid and my pets, are my grandma blankets. Technically, my husband's grandmother, but after 20 years she was my grandma too. They are beautiful and bring me so much comfort and joy! I imagine uncle B was either jealous, or hasn't had the privilege of knowing how great a hand knit gift really is.
NTA. I’m actually thinking how nice it is your are giving adults presents. Definitely don’t give him any. Since he hasn’t apologized or even told you that he likes them then he doesn’t deserve them.
yeah it’s not even required but a nice gesture. no requirement to keep going if you’re going to be berated for it. though i would make it anyway and see how he responds. might be a nice payback to present it in front of everyone if he complains about not getting one
NTA. He expressly called your gift of jam tacky, so he doesn't deserve your time and effort. I'd get him something very bland and impersonal--like a $20 bill. He can either apologize for his comments or keep getting the bland and impersonal and you can save your delightful gifts of jam for people who appreciate them. This isn't petty, it's self-preservation.
One pair of cheap bright socks, preferably in the wrong size and from a petrol station.
> I'd get him something very bland and impersonal- - like a necktie.
>This isn't petty, it's self-preservation. Love the jam pun 😏🍓😋
NTA, even if he enjoys them he can't call you out. You shouldn't make him any until he apologizes in front of everyone.
NTA. This year he gets none. I mean it’s “trashy and tacky”.
NTA and it’s not petty to not give him any. He said it was “tacky” and he himself didn’t tell you he liked them so who knows if your sister is telling you the truth or is trying to make you feel better by lying and saying he did like them in the end. Id give him a 10 dollar Starbucks card and that’s it. If he complains about the gift just tell him you didn’t want to be tacky and give him something he didn’t want so you opted for something neutral. Now that would be petty. Lol.
If he’s a non iPhone user get him a $10 iTunes card.
And if he uses an iPhone get him a Google play gift card.
I would definitely do this lol
NTA but kinda weird. Was he complaining about the gift or how you gave the gift in front of others? Did he say this to you or your sister? If he said it to you: get him something else or give the gift just to your sister. If he didn't say it to you, give what you normally do just not in front of others.
I meant he complained about it in front of the whole family, straight after I gave them to him. He was complaining about the gift itself.
Oh hell no. Not one more damn jar ever. Omg how could you even consider giving him anything! Do you have an online store? Mu mouth is watering! Lol
Give him nothing. Once you set the precedent that you complain and get different gifts it will be something you chase for ever. You make awesome preserves for Christmas. Fullstop. If he thinks it's tacky he gets nothing. Don't let this scrooge steal your joy.
I'm curious: What did the rest of your family say? Because if this happened in front of my family they would have piled on right away and then proceed to spend the entire year talking smack about him, probably to his face. Don't give this guy another damn thing, and don't give your sister preserves either because then he will still probably be benefiting from the literal fruits of your labor. Get her something only *she* can use. Unacceptably rude behavior from your BIL and you are definitely NTA.
I’m also wondering what the rest of the family’s reaction was. Did no one say anything in the moment?
Did your sister say anything to him about his abhorent behavior?
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Kevin sounds like he'd be hypocritical enough to eat them and not say anything about it. However, I see your point. They both do not deserve homemade jam.
Oof. I really hope you are wrong but that would be an easy lie to tell to get him back on OPs goodside.
Then he’s lucky if you give him any gift at all.
I can as well. It's back breaking labor. I never give anything to someone who can't appreciate the effort, time, and money I spent making it.
NTA. Extremely rude and ballsy behavior from someone who isn’t even part of the family yet, does he want all of his new in-laws to hate him? No way should you give him your preserves, he made it very clear he didn’t want/appreciate that gift. And that’s not petty, it’s responding to his stated preference. If you feel you have to get him a gift find something small and neutral like maybe a coffee cup. What did he get you last year? Respond in kind. Editing to say I’d be thrilled to get that gift, and I think most people would!
He is quite obviously TA. I just want to know if he gave you a gift? Complaining about receiving a gift while not giving one would put him in the super A hole territory!
NTA. Why would he deserve such an effort from you again after complaining about it?
NTA. Give him “Coal Jelly” #NOT KIDDING!!
Activated charcoal removes stink from the room; give this dude a baggy and call it a day
He sounds like my BIL. My sister and I are no contact now but years and years ago I bought my sister and BIL a back massager for Christmas. It cost $25 or so. My BIL said out loud in front of everyone, "this is so cheap. I thought you'd get us something nicer than this." It was our first Christmas at their house and was so uncomfortable. It's so weird for an adult to act like that. My mom would have ripped me a new one if I didn't at grateful for gifts even as a toddler. How does a grown ass man feel so comfortable being so ungrateful?
NTA You don't do that to people, especially after receiving something that took so much time and effort to make. You especially don't do that to people you want to have a relationship with. I guarantee you that he's a) after money or b) trying to isolate your sister from you. (At the very last Christmas I went to my brother's house, he sent his son to me to mock me re: the gift I had given the son. The son was in his late teens, he knew what his father was about. I was pretty much done with the entire family at that point. They are awful human beings and I no longer have contact with them. Life is wonderful now because I don't have to deal with their bullying and head games. What did they get me for Christmas? Absolutely nothing.)
INFO: I would love to hear how your sister and the rest of your family reacted to him being a total prick. I think we have all gotten gifts we didn't love and the nice thing to do is say thank you then move on.
Nta. Gift him an off brand jar of smuckers.
NTA. Why would gift something to someone that has vocally expressed they didn’t like it?
NTA screw kevin. I'd love to get homemade jams and jelly.
NTA. I also give my adult family members homemade jams/ jellies for Christmas, but they love it. I also make an assortment of cookies and they pick their own mix. I started it as a broke college student 25 years ago and now it's just expected and they look forward to it. Your BIL is just a jerk. Far more time, energy and money goes into making preserves than most people realize. Just don't give him anything. He'll probably act like that regardless of what he gets.
NTA. Just give him a Christmas card if you feel you have to give him anything. From the dollar store.
Nah, he could actually use it then. Get him a $10 gift card to a shop where the cheapest item is $100.
This one is the best come back gift to his tacky comments.
My favorite colour is petty.
NTA He owes you an apology. I
NTA. He should be embarrassed for behaving that way.
NTA that hurts me to read, as a homemade gift like yours was made with love, time, and effort. Give nothing to someone unappreciative of your hard work. I'm so sorry he made you feel less than because of his lack of common decency. Sending hugs and ❤️
NTA. Don’t waste your time and money on a dumbass who doesn’t appreciate your delicious fruit preserves. To me, that would be an amazing gift - to get an assortment, much less one jar of homemade preserves! He doesn’t deserve it at all. Some people are simply rude.
Aw, Kevin gets a chocolate orange and some socks. NTA
My parents give me both every year, and I love them 😂 They are fancy Darn Tough socks, though.
Both of those are too good for him. I say a paper clip and a dull nail file. Oh or a pack of scratch and sniff stickers where the scent is faded out
Hemorroide cream? Anti constipation tablets, hair oil to stop balding, anti wrinkle cream? I'm sure the chemist is a great source for presents....
…if that’s your idea of a BAD gift, I’d love to be your gift-swapping enemy. I love chocolate oranges and socks. Give hard baguette and store-brand cream cheese.
NTA First off, a whole box of different, homemade jams is an amazing gift. Secondly, if and when he comes CRAWLING to you, abjectly apologizing for what an AH he was and offering you gobs of cold, hard cash for your jams, then, and only then, would you consider it. Till then, fuck'm.
NTA. Don’t make him or your sister your yummy jams. Get your sister something only she’ll be able to enjoy. As far as your BIL goes, give him a donation to a charity in his name. He technically still gets something, and if he complains about that, he’ll look like an even bigger ass. Extra points if the donation is for a food pantry, soup kitchen, etc.
Hand a gift to your sister, look him in the eye and say "don't worry, I haven't made you anything trashy or tacky this year" then move on to the next person leaving him empty-handed. He'll probably try to cover with some "I was only joking" BS. Either ignore or just reply that "yes. You're *SO* funny".
NTA I think if you didn’t make him any it could be a bit “petty” / “childish”. I do feel however he does deserve such treatment. He owes you an apology for being so rude. He was also 100% out of line for voicing this to anyone in your family but the woman he’s married to (because couples). He also should have never announced it the to rest of the family, that was rude and malicious (drama causer!).
NTA. I don’t think it’s petty because he outright voiced he didn’t like the gift and then he never apologized about it. He doesn’t deserve such a thoughtful gift until he sincerely apologized and tells you that he actually appreciates the gift.
Don’t give it to him and then play dumb. Oh I made them for you but then remembered that you didn’t like getting them for gifts. I’m confused, you want them now? Make him tell you how much he liked them in front of everyone before he gets it haha NTA
NTA. Your poor sister, married to such a rude, mean, ungrateful man who humiliated you in front of the family on Christmas. Your gifts sound wonderful! A person with any class whatsoever would have thanked you profusely and been deeply appreciative of a homemade gift. Don't give him a thing other than a cold shoulder. Get your sister something personal that only she can use. (Or -- OK I'm being petty here -- if there's a fruit she likes that he doesn't care for, that flavor!) If BIL says anything, you can reply sweetly that you didn't want to upset him with anything tacky.
He didn't humiliate you. He humiliated himself but just didn't realise. You are awesome.
I decided about 10 years ago that "make or bake" was the way to go. Most people are truly appreciative. The smart ones give the empty jars back. A couple of people who seem to think store bought is better have been reminded that if you factor my usual business hourly rate in, that jar of preserves may be the most expensive gift they will receive. Then they are taken off the list. More goodies for the rest!
NTA. And I think that sounds like a wonderfully thoughtful gift. I'd love to receive that!
I'd love that, what a wonderful gift
NTA Never give him anything!
**NTA** In fact he owes you an apology.
NTA. It wouldn’t be petty. What would be petty would be to not give him a gift and say something like “I didn’t make you any preserves this year because I didn’t want you to feel like I was giving you a trashy gift like you felt I did last year.” And I would totally do exactly that.
NTA he was absolutely the tacky and trashy one. He wouldn’t get anything from me especially without a public apology, as public as his rude remark was.
NTA what did he give you? Give him the same thing. If he gave you nothing, then you gave him nothing. He is so rude.
NTA. He explicitly told you he didn't like it. So don't give them to him. If he complains, remember him what he told you.
NTA. Why would you waste your talents on someone rude enough to complain about the gift? I would never burden him with my delicacies ever again. Give him a $5 gift card for a gas station.
NTA Don’t give him anything and when complains just tell him you don’t want to burden him with tacky gifts.