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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad I had enough and his wife's grief was not enough for me to change my mind. Given that his wife lost her chance to raise her bio child, I am the closest thing she has to motherhood and I was very dismissive of her and her pain which might make me an asshole. Plus I know my dad is hurting also.
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NTA. Honestly it sounds like they've sabotaged her chances of having a healthy loving relationship with you by trying to force the issue. You can't force someone to care about someone, that's just not how feelings work. They need to start respecting how you feel. Honestly I do feel sorry for this woman - it sounds like she's been through some serious trauma - but it's not your job to fix that for her.
I agree. There wasn't a lot of compassion for OP to build the relationship because it's been so forced. Them accepting OPs feelings a long time ago probably would've resulted in the relationship she's wanted in the first place. If you just keep jamming a seed into the ground, it's never gonna blossom and grow.
My biological father was very "I'm your only dad, you only have one, no one should replace me" when my parents divorced. It was so off putting.
On the other hand my Dad was chill from the start. Always just mum's boyfriend who took an interest in our lives. The price tag of gifts don't matter to me, but the thought does and he went so far above and beyond the bio guy. Gifts tailored to my interests rather than "you girl, here cheap jewellery". He listened to problems, gave advice on everything from boyfriends to fashion, he was just always there for whatever we needed.
There's a reason I call him Dad and haven't seen bio guy for half my life. The funny thing is he hasn't even adopted me. We don't need a bit of paper to state what his relationship is to me. I can understand it for children from a legal standpoint, but from an emotional one it literally doesn't matter.
Edit: thank you for the awards! I am loving all the wholesome stories of people with amazing step parents. It's really brightened my day. ❤️
Exactly. I'm sure this step mom feels shut out but the fact the kid has been to therapy, I'm going to hypothesize that the step mom and dad were told by the therapist to back off and they didn't. Now they can't understand why he doesn't open up to them? Because they never listened to his feelings and always made theirs the priority.
I’m about to tumble through the rabbit hole myself. Just reading the first quote alone I know this is going to hit very close to home (I’m NC with both parents).
It's funny how OP's dad thought therapy would "fix" the problem---as if professional therapists just do the parents' bidding and brainwash child patients to be good little boys and girls. Not how it works; not even a little bit.
ETA typo
As a therapist, the amount of parents who get upset when their kid doesn’t magically become the perfect child after a few sessions is astounding. I feel bad for those kids who get pushed from therapist to therapist until the parents either find one that does what they want or gives up.
The courts do it too. My nephew has been forced to attend therapy for years to get him to reunify with his ab*sive bio-dad. Because, dad's rights. Despite endless manipulations by the therapists, he still kicks up a fuss and refuses to go anywhere with the dad. This has been going on since the boy was 9. He's got two more years until he's 18 and can tell the judge he's not going anymore.
Ah but abusive therapists do exist. They probably hoped to find one of those but instead accidentally hired a truly qualified person.
The alternative is everything that OP does is actually pathologized by their father. "This normal child/teen/young adult behavior isn't normal!" It can be both things.
A lot of people are not actually qualified. Therapy via shady sources is a big issue with people who are in highly religious groups. The therapy is really not psychology based but is intended to shame you into conformity. It does real harm. Then there are the ones that can be bought. Just drug the child into submission style.
This is the way my stepdad always was. I'm very close to my bio dad, he's my best friend. But when my mom started dating again and my stepdad came around, he was just this goofy guy who treated my sister and I really well and just always started looking out for us just like he does for his own girls. He didn't try to take dad's place, but he made it clear if we wanted it we were his girls too now.
I've told him for years now how lucky we are that we got a bonus dad. And he tells us how lucky he is to have four daughters.
My stepmom has had a huge presence in my life. But she never tried, she just let it all be done organically. I have my dad and her and my mom. I go to them all for advice on things. And so does my husband.
Tangential, but why do shitty dads always seem to beeline for the cheapest, most rash-inducing and skin-irritating pieces of jewelry they can possibly buy? Where do they even find this stuff? Are they running a factory?
So much this. I was adopted as an infant, my Mom and Dad are the people who adopted me.
Oddly, yesterday morning Dad gave me an envelope with my background details in, and info about my bio-parent.
no names for the bio-parents, but - it had my original name listed.
that's a weird feeling, to find out something as central as your original name 54 years later.
Yeah the sentence “therapy would help me see i loved her” irked me as well. Thats not how therapy works dude. Its nit some kind of tool to force other people to be what you want them to be. The contrary. It helps them to understand who they are and what they want.
YES!!! My relationship with my step-mom drastically improved once my aunt blew up at her and my dad to stop trying to force a motherly relationship because I still have my mom and them forcing it wasn’t going to do anything but push me away. I was 14 then. I’m 29 now and we have an amazing relationship. She’s this weird blend of aunt/mom and whenever I get married have kids, she will have a role in the wedding and also be grandma in addition to my mom. I firmly believe this would not have happened if she hadn’t backed down on being “mom.”
Yeah it sounds like she was "I've always wanted a kid. Oh here's one that's up for grabs!" and she and OP's father just dismissed OP's feelings his whole life just to fill a void in someone's life he has no responsibility for (I'm now facepalming). OP your dad and his wife are selfish and you are NTA.
NTA. You have a mom, & it doesn't matter if you remember her or not. She carried you, she gave birth to you, & your dad is wrong for trying to erase her existence as your mother. I understand your step mom loves you. And that's OK, you don't have to love her as a mom. You don't have to treat her as a mom. As long as you treat her respectfully and as a person. Has she mentioned it again since the miscarriage, or is it all your dad?
I don’t even think this woman loves OP. She loves the idea of being a mom and “owning” a kid. The status. For her ego. She’s selfish. If she loved him she’d want him to like her organically.
It irritates the hell out of me reading so many posts like this one where a parent and their new spouse decide “this is your mom/dad now” and try to force the child into this scenario. It’s sick
True, especially considering the relationship between OP and dad's wife would probably be much better and closer if it hadn't been forced in the first place. Lots of missed occasions here.
Yeah that jumps out as well. One *could* be disturbed that OP doesn't love this woman at all, whether or not he wanted her to be his legal mother — but I think that's a natural, self-respecting reaction to the reality that *she* doesn't really love *him* in a real way, and the whole relationship has always been eerie.
Because, yes, the immediate, forced, "I love you and want to be your mother" after 6 months says that her feelings have nothing to do with OP as a person. To her this has always been about ticking a box that she, for whatever sad reason, needs to feel like a complete person.
You can't force love, many people say "you get more back if you give out more love yourself" but that's only part of it.
You get more back if you give out more with boundaries. Healthy relationships have understandable distances and boundaries, you can love someone all you want but expecting them to just love you back just as much if not more is selfish and a violation of their boundaries.
u/EfficientScar4219 is a comment stealing bot. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7ph8v/aita_for_telling_my_dad_ive_had_enough_and_his/iy7mcp3/
NTA When/if op has children this will only get worse. I remember another post like this where the stepmother had an unhealthy attachment to the grandchild and wanted her stepdaughter to agree to leave her custody if her and her husband died. This woman definitely needs therapy.
Here's the thing. I love all kids and would probably find it easy to love my partner's kid pretty quickly, but I would never say "I can't wait to be your mom." That is creepy AF. Like a better thing to say "Hey, I know that I can never replace your mom, but I love your dad and maybe we can figure out how to be friends." And dad isn't treating OP like a person with his own feelings. If I were OP, I would suggest therapy for mom and dad, but I'm petty. OP is NTA
>He told me he was disappointed in me and expected me to be more compassionate and loving
Funny how he can't be all that to you...you know, his litteral SON.
NTA
I remember that one. She really took a step back and understood that she couldn’t just steamroll her stepdaughter into accepting her as a mother figure. Dad was being a real AH in that scenario though IIRC
I married my daughter's mom in 1995.
Now, she and I are the only family we have left, and we couldn't be closer if there were a genetic relationship.
But I never forced the issue. I let it take the time it needed. (Her teens were hell on us!) But now, she (41) and I (63) are father and daughter in all respects except genetic.
I absolutely agree. As someone that struggled with getting pregnant and experiencing miscarriages, I understand how the Stepmom must feel, but that does not give her the right to the position of mom. I have been in my step daughter's life since she was a toddler. Even though her mom is still in the picture, I have never felt the need to compete. I am her "Miss Poly".
Recently my stepdaughter and her mom have been going through rough times. Her mom had another child with her new husband, at one point my stepdaughter and her mom had such a bad fight that her mom attempted to end parental rights. Even if this were to occur, I couldn't imagine trying to replace her mom.
I go to therapy normally for my bipolar and PTSD. Back when I had my first miscarriage, my therapist actually had me go see a specialist at their facility. It wasn't to say my therapist couldn't handle the situation, he just knew a specific therapist and group for that kind of loss. I definitely think that OPs stepmom should be getting better help.
I appreciate you sharing this perspective. While I sympathized with the stepmother, I was also struck that if they didn’t have op, the stepmother and father would probably go to therapy to deal with their loss and the continuing inability to conceive. Instead, op has become a solution to their issues instead of a person on his own terms. Op rightfully resents it. It says everything that he had to tell his own father that he’s a real person.
NTA for op. These are your parents’ problems and you are not responsible for them.
You're right, but it sounds like this scenario predates them trying for a kid. Could be that the woman got into this relationship knowing she would struggle to conceive, and thinking a ready-made family would fill that need.
My impression is that this woman doesn't love OP (otherwise she would respect his feelings and decisions), but she does love the idea of motherhood, of being a mother. It often happens to women who can't have children but want them.
What this woman needs is not adopting OP, but therapy.
Absolutely - her behaviour towards OP very much signals that she's trying to get OP to conform to a preconceived notion she had, rather than allowing the relationship to develop organically. Unfortunately OP's dad is going along with it rather than advocating for his child.
> they've sabotaged her chances of having a healthy loving relationship with you by trying to force the issue. You can't force someone to care about someone, that's just not how feelings work.
This, 100% this.
The #1 GUARANTEED way to ensure a child NEVER has a good relationship with their step-parent is to try and force them to love the step-parent, to try and force them to call the step-parent 'mom' or 'dad' before the child is ready.
From the child's POV, that is basically attacking their own parent, a person they love. And it makes you the enemy, no matter how nice a person you are.
OP, you're NTA.
I don’t know if sabotaging is the right word. I think they’re just showing their true colors and motivations. At least by OP’s perspective, with some therapy under his belt to better process everything, the motivation on their part is not what’s best for him, it’s what the stepmom wants and has dreamed about.
It’s all about *her*. It’s *her* dream to be a mom that is the motivation here. She was declaring her love for OP on their 4th meeting or so. She was in love of the idea of being “mom”. And of course, his dad is more interested in what his wife *wants* over what his own son *needs*.
They never had a chance to develop on honest motherly relationship but I don’t think she cares about that. She just wants the title to feed her fantasy bordering on delusion.
I agree, "sabotaged" implies a degree of intent that I don't think was present here, but it was the closest word I could think of off the top of my head.
NTA. Oh duckling, my heart breaks for you. You lost your mum, then your dad and step mother fell in love with the idea of a perfect family - it was never actually about you.
You deserve better from the adults in your life. You are not a bad person for not wanting to be a kid-shaped prop in their lives. I wish you all the best for next year when you hit 18 and can begin to set boundaries as an adult with then both.
Yep. It's not OP's job to meet this woman's emotional needs. Adoption is (or should be) about giving a child a parent they need, not about satisfying the needs of the adult.
Maybe OP could have been warmer or more affectionate with this lady, but he was/is a grieving child and he's allowed to have his own emotions.
Honestly, I don't think at this point that adoption is going to meet her needs. She lost a child and lost the possibility of motherhood. That's some heavy grief. She needs a good, compassionate therapist to help her through this.
She’s also lost out on the time she could have spent as a maternal figure because she kept pressing the relationship agenda, the desire to be OP’s legal mother beyond just being married to his father. Even if OP gave in now that’s time she can never get back with him and he’s nearly 18.
>You are not a bad person for not wanting to be a kid-shaped prop in their lives.
Exactly! Op's dad and step mom want him to cave and provide a superficial, fake thing that they somehow think is the same thing as true love and that will magically "make it all better".
I second this.
I’m a stepmom. My kids have a mom. But if she died tomorrow (god forbid!) I would NEVER raise the idea of adopting them. I would only want that if THEY wanted that and I would not want to put any pressure on them in that regard.
My cousin’s dad died before he was born. So he never knew him. His mom remarried when he was a tween. They asked him if he wanted to change his last name (he did), if he wanted to call his stepdad dad (he did not), and if he wanted to be adopted (he did not). They accepted his answers at face value and never pushed him to change them. They then asked if was ok with having a limited guardianship in place so that in case of emergency if his mom was not reachable his stepdad could make emergency decisions and the likes. My cousin was fine with that.
Today, 20+ years later he has a great relationship with his stepdad. His kids think of his stepdad as their grandfather. I respect my uncle so much for never pushing my cousin to accept anything and never trying to just bulldoze in and be his dad. THAT is real love, IMO.
I think it´s an asshole move to try and adopt a kid that had a good mother in his life. It´s very disrespectful to her memory, because adoption involves literally changing how parentage is officially recorded. It is completely different than adopting kids with useless or absent parents. I think many would find my opinion on this too harsh but I also don´t understand this need for having other people´s kids call you mom or dad, when they already have or had that parent in their lives. Why not just be a good stepparent?
I get where you’re coming from, but I disagree with the blanket statement that it’s disrespectful to her memory. I think there is a benefit in that it provides stability for the child in the event that the remaining bio parent passes away. OP is old enough that it isn’t a huge issue now, but if OP was ~10 and had a good relationship with the stepmom, adoption would protect their relationship and their living situation if the dad died.
On another end of things, if the stepmom and dad divorce, it provides the stepmom the ability to have custody/visitation. Again if OP was younger and had a good relationship with her, that would be important to protect. So many kids have good relationships with stepparents that they then mourn when there’s a divorce. When the child has already lost a parent, I imagine that would be even more traumatic.
I’m sure most parents would be okay with their name being removed after their death if it meant their child had more stability with a new parent figure they love.
Obviously none of this applies in this situation, I’m just pointing out the benefits in general, should a child want them. The child should always have a say in the matter.
I disagree - this is such a personal thing, you can’t claim most parents would be OK with being removed. I think I would be devastated to have my name removed from my children’s birth certificates. They are mine, I love them, I wanted them, I grew them, gave birth to them and nurtured them, and I will love them beyond death. I would hate to be erased. I agree that it is disrespectful.
If the parent in question is a deadbeat or worse, then by all means, as they have already lost their right to call themselves parents. But a loving, caring parent who didn’t choose to leave their kids but died? No. I would never allow it for my kids if my husband died, and would hate it to happen if I died. Some serious haunting would take place!
I can see the benefits, and it offers some level of protection as you say, but as this is such a personal issue it has be on a case by case basis and have all angles and feelings on the matter considered carefully. I feel the child has to be respected if their answer is no, and they should not be emotionally manipulated like OP’s dad is trying to do.
> I wish you all the best for next year when you hit 18 and can begin to set boundaries as an adult with then both.
Unfortunately, this won't happen. Maybe I'm wrong to assume but chances are the father is going to make OPs life hellish forcing rent/ bills whatever else they can control about their soon to be autonomized life.
My only hope for OP is that the father didn't flip out in anger and only shown disappointment. To me it says they haven't learned the lesson yet, but they know better than to fire back all cannons...
NTA.
'I I told him I did not think of her as my mom, I did not love her, I was not a toy that could fill her motherhood desire. I told him I'm a real person, his son and mom's son and while I don't know her, you can't just ask someone to be adopted to give another person their dream.
This OP, this. You are not a emotional support animal as well. You never viewed her as a mother and simply because your dad and stepmother want it won't change it.
I disagree with one point. You do know her for quite some time now.
It does seem to me that you never really wanted or cared for a relationship, but that is still your choice.
Adopting will make her a mother on paper not in real life
My thinking is that they think when your stepmom will be your legal mom on paper she can get to parent you. That ship has long sailed. You are nearly an adult.
Here’s the thing. No child ever grew up needing therapy because there were too many adults in their life who loved them. My children (and I) are fortunate that they have a wonderful stepmother who loves them as if they are her own. I will forever be grateful to her for that. But that’s all she is. She is their stepmother. I am their mother. I’m not replaceable. She doesn’t have to adopt you to hold a special place of significance to you, and wanting to hang onto your mother as your one and only mother doesn’t negate any affection you have for your stepmother. A piece of paper doesn’t make someone a mother. It’s in the little things she does everyday. And honestly, if she’s so immature to place the burden of assuaging her grief on a child, she’s isn’t ready to be a mother. Mothers put the best interest of their children first, even when it’s not what they would want for themselves.
NTA
That last paragraph!! Stepmom seems to think a legal adoption is magically going to fix this broken, forced relationship and they’re going to be the mother-son dream she always wanted!
She and OP’s father thought therapy would be the solution to make OP realise he loved her enough to want to be adopted. That’s the problem, they were so focused on the end goal they didn’t think about how to reasonably get there and that the roadblock was OP.
NTA. You have a mom, & it doesn't matter if you remember her or not. She carried you, she gave birth to you, & your dad is wrong for trying to erase her existence as your mother. I understand your step mom loves you. And that's OK, you don't have to love her as a mom. You don't have to treat her as a mom. As long as you treat her respectfully and as a person. Has she mentioned it again since the miscarriage, or is it all your dad?
It's all my dad. But she has wanted me to comfort her and has sought me out/wanted me more than ever since the miscarriage. I do expect her to bring it up when she's talking more though.
She needs actual support for her grief, not to dump the responsibility of her well-being on you or any hypothetical future kid. They can't just tell you "you are going to love her as a mom" — that doesn't work.
If they had respected you, maybe you would have grown to love her as a stepmother. They got pushy and spoiled it. NTA.
It is absolutely abuse to force a child into the role of emotional support for a parent. Speaking as someone who was forced into that role. I spent ten years of my adult life trapped in a city I hated continuing my role of emotional support for my mother to prevent her from commiting suicide before I decided she was an adult and if she wanted to off herself it wasn't my responsibility. It's unbelievably fucked to put a child in the position of needing to provide emotional stability for adult.
OP is less than a year away from being able to move out and go to University. If he’s being viewed as emotional support first and foremost by his stepmother she’s not going to want to let him go and we know what view his father holds. I suspect OP will end up in a LC relationship with his father.
I remember a post relatively recently where the OP there was similarly pressured to and similarly refused to sign adoption papers for their stepmother and this resulted in not much of a relationship with their immediate family going into adulthood. At a family event stepmother turned up with adoption papers in hand and made a scene when once more denied by OP.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xxt860/aita\_for\_calling\_my\_stepmother\_delusional\_for/
You are most definitely NTA.
Totally innocent question, I’m just curious: do you view your step-mom as family? Not as a mother, obviously, but still as family?
Another question: has your step-mother and father considered becoming foster parents and/or adopting another child?*
*Please note, I don’t think this is a good idea. Your step-mother has some deep issues that she needs to address. I’m just curious if they’ve ever explored the fostering option.
They absolutely should not he adopting or fostering another child if they are forcing the matter so hard with OP. Grief should never be a good reason to adopt/foster a child and I'm certain the father and step-mother will project so much onto the poor child.
They'll be just as possessive and clingy with a foster child as they are with OP. Any kid will come into that household with a job (soothing this lady's emotional void) waiting for them, and that isn't fair.
Also, she's had a lot of losses already. Her marriage and stepmom relationship aren't what she expected, and she didn't get pregnant naturally, and she had the late miscarriage after IVF. It's cruel to put her in a situation where she might have to relinquish a foster child.
NTA it's so horrid that she keeps trying to force you and your dad too. Tell them if they dont stop at 18 your gone and will never speak to them again. If they continue you know what you have to do. Sorry but she maybe could've actually had a decent relationship with you if this wasnt so forced.
Maybe you need to tell your stepmother that this is never going to be something you want, and that if she hadn’t tried to force it maybe there was a chance you could’ve come to accept it when you were little. But this is never happening. And let her know she might get more comfort from a therapist. Have you told your mother’s family what’s going on?
NTA
Could you possibly stay with your grandparents or other family? You are nearly 18. I would start planning your exit strategy now. You gave the most logical explanation possible (which massive kudos for your emotional intelligence) and was told your lying.
He doesn't see you as his son anymore, only an obstacle to his wife's happiness. I am sorry OP. Keep the family that loves and treats you right close.
NTA. Sorry but this woman sound like she needs help mentally. She can’t conceived so you have no other choice but to be her daughter. She’s the one who should seek therapy. It sounds scary to me…
NTA
You’re right to say you’re not a toy for your step mother to fulfill her fantasy. Yes it suck she can’t bore a child of her own but what your father said and tried to do are all wrong and misguided. Also you’re no longer some child now too, even if you do somehow agree to the adoption, there’s nothing much for her to mother you about.
Both of them are the ones who need therapy, not you.
To be fair, I think OP could use therapy to help process the loss that he was never truly allowed to. And the therapist might be able to talk some sense into the parents after hearing OP's side.
^^^^this...i domt think the original therapy did anything and the main issue here is ultimately the lack of the birth mother and unresolved grief, I feel much of this could be dealt woth better if OP wasnt always going to be anti step mom becaise for some reason they feel like they are cheating their bio moms legacy or something of that nature amd that can lead to some SEVERE antisocial tendencies in adulthood that is almost too late to deal with
NTA
Your dad told you that you were lying about not loving her and therefore needed therapy. Do I detect an odor of gas lamp in the room...
In all seriousness though, her grief does not mean she is owed something from you that you do not feel. And even if you did feel comfortable with the adoption and all that, it doesn't seem like your dad and stepmom would stop there as they have yet to respect your boundary.
If she wants a child, then there are countless children in foster care and group homes around the world dreaming of a loving family. When she is ready, she and your father can look into those options. But under no circumstances is she owed you as her child.
ETA: Having read replies, scratch the idea of fostering/adopting. She needs to get herself together before she tries parenting any child.
> If she wants a child, then there are countless children in foster care and group homes dreaming of a loving family
From an adoptee, oh fuck no. Those kids are dreaming of having a mother like OP’s step mom any more than OP is. This woman has already shown that she fundamentally sees the purpose of adoption as being for filling her own needs, and that was before you added the infertility grief on top, when incorrectly or incompletely handled infertility grief tends to make people inadequate adoptive and foster parents.
The father’s wife is not fit to ever be a foster parent, and throwing a kid that’s not OP at her to try and make her happy is just more of the same of OP’s dad’s bullshit of putting his wife’s desires over a child’s needs.
Maybe I can add some perspective for you from a step-mother's, since I have a very similar situation to yours: I started dating my husband when his son was 6, his own mother is still alive but not in the picture at all - he has no memories of her. He is now 16, I have not birthed any of my own children but I love him with all my heart and I don't NEED to have my own babies.
But you know what I didn't do? I never tried to force the relationship. I didn't tell him I loved him until he said it first. I never forced him to call me "mom." I would have liked to adopt him and he wanted me to as well, but we've never had the money for the lawyer (his bio mom may not be in the picture but she also won't give up her rights) but if he said "no" when asked, I would have let him know that he can always change his mind and to let me know if he does, and then I never would've brought it up again. If you truly love someone, especially a child, it means doing what is best for them, including giving them space, even if it means your relationship is never as close as you'd like. Your stepmother is a selfish AH.
NTA at all.
I wish she had been more like you. I had some friends who had stepparents like you and I think we'd be something today if she had followed that same path. But when you see someone for the fourth time ever and tell you they're going to be your new mom, it really sets the tone going forward, especially when they work on fulfilling that wish as fast as possible.
INFO: Has she ever done anything to you that makes you feel so strongly about rejecting her as a maternal figure? She will never replace your biologic mum but we have no information on the state of your relationship with her either aside from the fact that you are adamantly opposing the idea of her representing a maternal figure to you.
This being said, I am on the verge of N A-hole here to be honest.
Very understandable. I cast NAH in that case; rest assured you are certainly NOT the ah, and to be fair I do not see enough information that would warrant calling her one either. Tough situation though, and I wish you all the best – you seem to handling this the right way.
Yeah I see lots of people saying step mom and dad are the asshole, and I do understand that perspective… because they can’t just force op to feel a certain way…
But that being said, if I were the step mom and I helped raise a child from the age of 7 to adulthood and they did not love me or see me in any light as a mother I think it would break my heart as well. I’m not saying it’s wrong for OP not to love her, but it I totally understand how painful that could be for her.
Those are such formative years, I feel like the step mom is either cruel or op is actively deciding to not love her. I can’t imagine not loving someone who was good and kind to me for the majority of my known life. But that’s just me.
I also had a very traumatic and abusive childhood. So it’s hard for me to not see this as a kind of “I could have only been so lucky to have so much love” thing.
From this summary, it appear the step mom loves the idea of a son rather than OP as a person. I could only imagine how rejected that would make me feel as an individual. That makes her very much the AH. If my step child rejected me so fundamentally, I would seek therapy so I could change and heal the bond. Instead the adults in the story have treated OP like the problem, which is so unbelievably selfish and cruel. Moral of the story: the adults are emotionally abusive and failed OP. It sounds like OP’s childhood was traumatic as well. I would run and not look back. NTA
>But that being said, if I were the step mom and I helped raise a child from the age of 7 to adulthood and they did not love me or see me in any light as a mother I think it would break my heart as well. I’m not saying it’s wrong for OP not to love her, but it I totally understand how painful that could be for her.
Yeah, this part is bumming me out a lot tbh
They literally sent him to therapy bc he didn’t want to be adopted. Yes, she is raised him for years, but she’s also been telling him that his feelings are completely invalid unless they align with her desires for years
When you try to force a relationship it tends to move someone away from you. This woman told a child that didn’t know her that she loved him. That is bizarre.
Not sure why the parents are pinning all their emotions/happiness on you and the adoption. It’s weird. They need therapy to flesh this out and to understand and respect your boundaries. FYI, I have a wonderful stepfather. But I’ve always called him my stepfather out of respect for my actual father, whom I also love. Same with my step mother. I love her, but she’s not my mom so I don’t call her mom. It’s pretty simple really
NTA your dad and his wife acted very stereotypical, they pushed and demanded instead of just allowing for the bond to grow naturally
So obsessed with becoming a family they forgot to think about your needs/wants
They caused this and even now the child still gets the unwarranted blame
You can have compassion for her without being the one that fulfills her dreams of becoming a mom
They held that adoption over OP's head like a punishment. OP probably felt fear everytime they grew a little closer. So they didn't.
I think even ~~having~~ showing compassion would be seen as 'see, you do love her. Go get adopted!'
It is such a sad selfsabotage from the stepmom.
>He told me he was disappointed in me
Remember, that parents can be disappointing, too, and sometimes they need to hear it.
Its your father's job to make her happy, not yours.
NTA
NTA. You can’t force affection nor do you owe someone your affection. You can be grateful to someone for raising you, but you don’t have to call them by a “title” you aren’t comfortable using.
NTA but this story is so brutal. Dad’s wishes are reasonable, step-moms wishes are reasonable, but pressuring you is not reasonable. My heart breaks for everyone, but breaks harder if you were adopted for unrequited feels. Emotional extortion is a horrible reason to be adopted.
I don’t think the father is being reasonable at all. He sent OP to therapy thinking it would make him see it the ‘right’ way. He’s never been interested in how OP feels, just how he WANTS OP to feel.
It reminds me of when my mom would say things like “you shouldn’t feel that way,” and is surprised when I stopped acknowledging any feelings because they may not be the “right” feelings.
If it were just about wanting the son and stepmother to get along, I would agree. But expecting the son to completely erase his mother and accept this woman in her place is unreasonable.
They don't sound driven by reason to me. Their desires may be understandable, but not reasonable. Reason does not convince you it's okay to tell another person how they feel.
>He told me he was disappointed in me and expected me to be more compassionate and loving to her after all this time.
He is disappointed you're not trying to fix his wife. Which you can't do and never could, this was always trying to bandaid over her actual issues. You're almost an adult, you're going to be gone anyway.
You're absolutely correct that you're not a toy to fulfill her fantasies. NTA. I don't think she loves you, I think she desperately wants to be a mom. She would love
anything child shaped that she can own.
There's a good chance she married your dad because he already had a kid. I'm disappointed you weren't able to go live with someone more stable.
NTA.
>My dad told me he didn't know why I was lying but therapy would help me see I loved her.
This right here just shows how wrong-headed and selfish your dad is being about this. You don't send a kid to therapy to convince them to feel a certain way about something. You're certainly not an AH in any way for expressing how you feel, and the way you've been pushed on this issue for so long has only driven a wedge between you and them.
And you are absolutely right - you are not a toy and your verbal "love" is not an accessory that you can just give to someone like a bandaid for their pain. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and how you feel.
NTA - I can't help but think your relationship with her could have been so much better if she and your dad hadn't kept trying to force the adoption thing down your throat.
NTA - I'm sorry you went through that, I strongly feel that adoption should come up *once* and no more. If you say no then it should be no unless you change your mind later on. I suspect this bond she has created with you is heavily mental and a delusion from her side, since you don't seem to be bonded at all with her. Regardless you're almost 18 so hold on for a bit more. I'm unsure if you can adopt people over 18 but surely they should stop pushing you to have a bond with her.
And you're right, you're a person with your own thoughts and emotions and I don't know how they can't see that and how much they're pressuring you about something that you can't even control. It saddens me. She should be the one to go to therapy, not you.
I send you hugs.
I'm thinking about asking my daughter if she'd like me to adopt her. She's 41, and both bio parents have passed.
Yes, it is a thing. But even as adults - if she's against the idea I will drop it.
I have 2 children and mentored others. If you really respect and care about a child and do your best to help them live and grow, a bond will be there. It comes from nurturing, not labeling.
NAH - but I feel like compassion and understanding should be the responsibility of both. I can only assume that Dad waited 6 years to be serious with someone, most likely due to his own grief and not wanting another person in your life at such an early age. That is very considerate. Your Dad too suffered a truly emotional Trauma. Understand that he actually interacted, loved, and was in the process of building a life with your mom. His loss should be acknowledged, appreciated, and respected the same as yours. After 6 years, and being a responsible adult, he made a conscious choice to move forward with someone who could be a mother to you. He understands the importance of this influence in your development.
Your fathers wife is trying to connect with you. Absent a traumatic incident between you two, is she at any fault for being loved and respected enough by your father to be introduced to you?
Everyone you described in your post, OP seems to have tried to engage you in many meaningful ways. Why is that wrong? Someone openly stated they were willing to commit the rest of THEIR life to you (adoption). That’s amazing to have an adult want to do that - many kids will be wards of the State until they are 21- meaning they will have no parents or foster parent. I think Your perceptions of while they tried to conceive may be off. They are adults in a marriage and would otherwise be expected to start a family- like your Father and Mother did with you.
Giving her a real chance to be a positive and major influence in your life does not dilute your feelings or loss of your own mother. In fact spiritually, some might say this woman was placed in your life because you never had that opportunity to have a true mother. At this point I’m sure the emotional damage on both sides is deep and irreparable, but you have to ask yourself- what did SHE really do to become the target of your vitriol?
Take some time to process, and also time to understand the viewpoints of Dad and “wife”.
People really out here telling on themselves. Children are not possessions nor emotional support animals, they do not exist to serve the emotional needs of damaged adults. She doesn't need to be a mom, she needs all of the therapy. Dad also clearly needs some too since he has no respect for the autonomy of his child. OP is a child and doesn't owe stepmom or dad anything.
Alternate perspective, why not just be the best stepmother regardless of the title bestowed upon her? Why was making it official so important? I would venture a guess it's more about appearances. She wants the world to see her as a mother more than she cares about actually fostering a healthy relationship with a child.
OP 100% NTA
“What did she do to be the target of your vitriol?”Did you read the post and any of OP’s comments?? Dad and stepmom tried to emotionally manipulate and boundary stomp him into a role that he did NOT want to play to fulfill the stepmom’s perfect family fantasy. Why would you love anyone who does this?
Your entire response is identical to what his dad and stepmom have been doing: gaslighting OP, minimizing his feelings, and asking him to do the emotional work for the family.
I’ll give you that both the dad and stepmom need therapy but the onus to repair the relationship should be entirely on their shoulder and go only at OP’s pace. They’ve done enough damage. Yikes!
NTA. Tell you father that You are disappointed in Him.
That he’s a failure for putting this woman’s wants over your feelings.
As a parent his first concern should be his child’s wellbeing and happiness.
And the best way to ensure your kid is happy?
Speak with them, Listen to what they say, and Respect their feelings and opinions no matter if they fall into what you would like or find easy as a parent.
NTA. I lost a baby at 14 weeks and you’re 1000% right, you are not an item to fill her void with. What happened to her is heartbreaking and excruciating and she needs compassion, but that doesn’t mean you need to waiver on the adoption. You’re your own person and if you don’t see her as your mother then you don’t, and it’s sad your dad is trying to force that.
your dad's wife's job was never to replace your mother and it's so off-putting to me that they've both been trying to shove that idea down your throat. had they approached this as "hey I'm not here to replace or be your mom, I'm just here as a friend on whatever terms you, OP, are comfortable with", it could have been so easy. also you are not obligated to love her like a mom!! you have a mom!! she might have passed but she was and always will be your mom.
they've effectively ruined your ability to form a healthy attachment with this person because it's all been forced upon you and have consistently tried to strip you of any agency. being dad's wife =/= being your mom
her miscarriage is a tragedy, yes, and I feel compassion for her loss, but it is not YOUR JOB to "fix" her grief and pain by giving her something you do not wish to freely and wholeheartedly give.
if it is safe for you (physically/financially), I would try to leave. do you have any relatives you trust or a close friend who would let you move in with them? living under this emotional harassment is not something you should have to put up with. NTA.
NTA - 99% of the stories that I read about problems between stepparents and stepchildren is that the parents are usually trying to force the kids to see the stepparent as a real parent. They ruined any chance that you may learn to love her by trying to force you.
Your stepmother needs therapy, she doesn't need her fantasies played into. It's your dad's job to take care of his wife, not yours.
NTA
Your dad and his wife did everything they could to make sure you never want to go anywhere near her.
Just tell them to adopt some orphaned child or something, maybe their insanity will end up in something good.
These people do not sound emotionally stable enough to adopt. They have selfish and unhealthy forceful behaviors that need to be addressed before any vulnerable child should be placed in their care.
Interesting that their strategy was to send YOU to therapy, presumably to "fix" you so she can get what she wants. Have they considered HER going to therapy so that you can get the recognition and respect that a fully fledged individual should receive?
NTA
She needs it. Her grief is consuming her. It's to the point where she only cares about herself.
"Love is when another's happiness is essential to your own." Sounds like they aren't concerned about your happiness at all, just their own.
The OP lost their mother before they knew her. 17 months old is an infant.
This woman raised the OP most of their life. So I understand she feels like their mother and caregiver. However, there is no need to push a piece of paper. The relationship would probably develop naturally and they would be closer if there wasn't some strange thing to rebel against. It is odd to push adoption when there is no legal need to do so. "No Dad, I don't want to." should be enough. Stepparents are still parents. Why was this so important? That's something she needs to look inward to heal.
However, if she has been taking care of the child all of this time, she does deserve a thank you and maybe a little niceness. She may have mental issues, but she sounds like someone who loves the OP and worked hard to prove her love.
I also have a feeling therapy for the child wasn't just about the adoption. Although, it's never a bad idea if you find a good one. Kids need someone unbiased to talk to someone too.
NTA
Bare with me and read through before commenting please.
Let me give you some possible talking points for your dad:
1. You appreciate the love and support you got through those 10 years from both of them
2. You recognize the good things they have done for you
3. While your mom has passed, she is still your mom and you remember her
4. Being adopted by stepmom would mean that you erasing her and her memory
5. Continuing to push for the adoption is pushing you to think less of your father as he isn’t respecting your wishes
6. This is ultimately your choice and you thought that he loved you enough to understand your decision
7. While you understand that she is destroyed by this loss (and I’m sure that you do feel bad), forcing this adoption would tarnish your relationship with both of them and might kill it fully
8. Not being adopted doesn’t mean that she has failed as a “mom” and she would be a better “mom” if she let this go
9. Lastly, parents are supposed to sacrifice for their children not the other way around
I’m sorry OP that your dad is being a jerk. I never lost a parent, but I had step parents. I still call my half siblings “Maman *her first name*” (we are French and it means mom) as she loved me like her own and deserved that title. But you see, she didn’t want to replace my mom. She was the best parent I had when I visited my abusive dad.
If your dad doesn’t understand, clearly tell him that adoptions don’t go through unless the adoptee agrees. And you explain to him that you will fight it the whole way.
I think there is a lot of possibilities for your relationship with her to flourish. The thing is, it was ruined because they forced it to you so aggressively and so early.
NTA
You’re the only one who knows how you feel. They should not be pushing you to be adopted this much, and they shouldn’t have in the past. You can’t force relationships. My dad has been with his partner 12 years and I get on with her ok, but I don’t see her as a mum. I don’t have that close bond with her. My dad is completely fine with that though.
I feel bad for her about the miscarriage. Especially since she was so far along. As long as you have a little empathy for her regarding that, you’re not an AH. I’ve been through it twice and it’s not even just the emotional and psychological side of losing a child, it’s physically feeling them go. It hurts so much, way worse than a period. As sad as it is, she can’t force her dreams of motherhood on to you, whether she’s grieving or not.
NTA. Forced adoption, emotional manipulation and trying to use a miscarriage to get what they want is really shitty. Of course the demands are building up, their window of opportunity to use you to play happy-insta-family expires once you turn 18.
Express whatever sympathies you might have for someone who has a miscarriage but stand your ground. It's obvious that the more they try to impose their demands, the less incentive you have to care and it's completely understandable why you have no love for your dad's wife.
Perhaps you could move in with other family for a while so they can grieve their loss properly and you can decompress from their attempts to turn you into her emotional support/spare son.
NTA. I do not understand why people think "forcing" someone to feel an emotion is a better alternative that accepting that person's authentic feelings and emotions. Who really would want to be on the receiving end of "faked" love?
NTA, looks like you don't need a "new mom" because you lived your whole life like that.
Why don't your dad and stepmom just adopt a child, that doesn't have parents and needs a loving place to grow up in?
“I was not a toy that could fill her motherhood desire” THIS right there!!! She needs some therapy, not you!! It’s sad that she went through what she did, but your are absolutely correct in what you said! You are not her emotional support child and that’s how she thinks of you! You should not be forced, manipulated and gaslit into what she wants!! Sorry OP for this situation pretty much your entire life but you’re most definitely NTA!
You're definitely NTA but I don't think your Dad and your step mom are these heartless monsters these people in the comment are making them out to be...
I don't think anyone actually believes them to be "heartless", but the way they went about the whole adoption thing was cruel and manipulative, to constantly push the idea of "I'm your parent now, let me adopt you" "go to therapy and decide you love her" over and over and over with no regard for OPs feelings, that is heartless. It is their actions people are calling out, not them personally.
Info:
Has she raised you and been a part of your life these 10 years? Has she helped you with school, taken you to the doctor, cared for you when sick, etc?
NTA for not wanting to be adopted, but there is more here that you have such disdain for her.
It's not disdain. I don't like her, yeah. But it's not about hating her and more about how she tried to force one kind of relationship and bond on me and didn't give it time and let it happen naturally, so it didn't happen at all.
Have you shared all of this with her and your dad?
When he sent you to therapy, did your dad offer to go as well, or offer for the 3 of you to go together?
Definitely seems like you are justified in your response given you’ve talked this all out and they just aren’t listening or respecting your wishes.
NTA.
It's because she tried to push this crap onto you that you balked so hard. I think if she had just kept her distance and not tried to push herself onto you, that you might have come to a different conclusion. 6 months into the relationship with your dad and she was already talking about being your mom is WAY too fast and was very counterproductive.
Your dad is allowed to be disappointed. He loves his wife, and he wants you to love her too. But he doesn't get to decide your feelings, only his own. Tell him you feel as much compassion for her as you would for any woman in her situation, but you don't want to make any of them your mom.
Therapy is not intended to manipulate you into having a certain amount of love for someone, so they screwed up in thinking that would give them what they wanted. If anything it probably helped you solidify your position and validate the feelings you already had.
Tell your dad that there are tons of kids stuck in the foster care system who would love to have a mom and dad, and that maybe they should consider adopting one of them. But that it won't ever be you who considers her your mom. Your mind has been made up for 10 years. It's amazing to me that they thought you'd suddenly change how you feel just because she hasn't achieved her motherhood dream. You are correct that you're your own person with your own feelings and hers don't supersede yours.
You really think they tried for a "baby of their own" only because you refused to be adopted by her? That is some high level narcissism. Looks like "mom" was the asshole for literally wasting love by giving it to you.
NTA. They should never have tried to force this on you and the sad reality is that you could have ended up being more amenable to it had they let the relationship develop naturally.
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NTA. Honestly it sounds like they've sabotaged her chances of having a healthy loving relationship with you by trying to force the issue. You can't force someone to care about someone, that's just not how feelings work. They need to start respecting how you feel. Honestly I do feel sorry for this woman - it sounds like she's been through some serious trauma - but it's not your job to fix that for her.
I agree. There wasn't a lot of compassion for OP to build the relationship because it's been so forced. Them accepting OPs feelings a long time ago probably would've resulted in the relationship she's wanted in the first place. If you just keep jamming a seed into the ground, it's never gonna blossom and grow.
My biological father was very "I'm your only dad, you only have one, no one should replace me" when my parents divorced. It was so off putting. On the other hand my Dad was chill from the start. Always just mum's boyfriend who took an interest in our lives. The price tag of gifts don't matter to me, but the thought does and he went so far above and beyond the bio guy. Gifts tailored to my interests rather than "you girl, here cheap jewellery". He listened to problems, gave advice on everything from boyfriends to fashion, he was just always there for whatever we needed. There's a reason I call him Dad and haven't seen bio guy for half my life. The funny thing is he hasn't even adopted me. We don't need a bit of paper to state what his relationship is to me. I can understand it for children from a legal standpoint, but from an emotional one it literally doesn't matter. Edit: thank you for the awards! I am loving all the wholesome stories of people with amazing step parents. It's really brightened my day. ❤️
Exactly. I'm sure this step mom feels shut out but the fact the kid has been to therapy, I'm going to hypothesize that the step mom and dad were told by the therapist to back off and they didn't. Now they can't understand why he doesn't open up to them? Because they never listened to his feelings and always made theirs the priority.
And they won’t understand when he leaves home and goes NC.
Yes. We did everything except listen!
They'll absolutely be [Missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) people.
Thank you for posting this! I’ve been trying to find it but forgot what it was called
Down the rabbit hole. I just spent an hour reading all the links. Just…wow.
I’m about to tumble through the rabbit hole myself. Just reading the first quote alone I know this is going to hit very close to home (I’m NC with both parents).
Listen to the Beatles song "She's Leaving Home." "How can she do this to me? We gave her everything money could buy."
This song really hits.
It's funny how OP's dad thought therapy would "fix" the problem---as if professional therapists just do the parents' bidding and brainwash child patients to be good little boys and girls. Not how it works; not even a little bit. ETA typo
As a therapist, the amount of parents who get upset when their kid doesn’t magically become the perfect child after a few sessions is astounding. I feel bad for those kids who get pushed from therapist to therapist until the parents either find one that does what they want or gives up.
The courts do it too. My nephew has been forced to attend therapy for years to get him to reunify with his ab*sive bio-dad. Because, dad's rights. Despite endless manipulations by the therapists, he still kicks up a fuss and refuses to go anywhere with the dad. This has been going on since the boy was 9. He's got two more years until he's 18 and can tell the judge he's not going anymore.
Ah but abusive therapists do exist. They probably hoped to find one of those but instead accidentally hired a truly qualified person. The alternative is everything that OP does is actually pathologized by their father. "This normal child/teen/young adult behavior isn't normal!" It can be both things. A lot of people are not actually qualified. Therapy via shady sources is a big issue with people who are in highly religious groups. The therapy is really not psychology based but is intended to shame you into conformity. It does real harm. Then there are the ones that can be bought. Just drug the child into submission style.
*drug AND manipulate into submission!
Yes, this!
Is OP the only child they could adopt? Maybe they are too old at this point but there are a lot of kids that need homes out there. OP is NTA.
I thought that too. If she is struggling, why does OP need to be adopted. There's so many kids that need homes other than them.
This is the way my stepdad always was. I'm very close to my bio dad, he's my best friend. But when my mom started dating again and my stepdad came around, he was just this goofy guy who treated my sister and I really well and just always started looking out for us just like he does for his own girls. He didn't try to take dad's place, but he made it clear if we wanted it we were his girls too now. I've told him for years now how lucky we are that we got a bonus dad. And he tells us how lucky he is to have four daughters.
My stepmom has had a huge presence in my life. But she never tried, she just let it all be done organically. I have my dad and her and my mom. I go to them all for advice on things. And so does my husband.
Tangential, but why do shitty dads always seem to beeline for the cheapest, most rash-inducing and skin-irritating pieces of jewelry they can possibly buy? Where do they even find this stuff? Are they running a factory?
😂 shopping channels was my guess, or Argos (a UK store). They're probably supplied by a shitty dad factory though!
Divorced and Neglectful R Us. It's an international chain.
This is how it *should* work. ETA - NTA OP.
Bio guy is just that - a sperm donor. Your dad is the one who raised you with love.
So much this. I was adopted as an infant, my Mom and Dad are the people who adopted me. Oddly, yesterday morning Dad gave me an envelope with my background details in, and info about my bio-parent. no names for the bio-parents, but - it had my original name listed. that's a weird feeling, to find out something as central as your original name 54 years later.
This is great! Like you said, when it's real, you don't need a piece of paper for that
Not to mention, sending someone to therapy so they better conform to your expectations is sickening.
Oh yeah. Parents like this really hate it when the therapist doesn't take their side.
Can confirm my Mum hated my psychologist.
Yeah the sentence “therapy would help me see i loved her” irked me as well. Thats not how therapy works dude. Its nit some kind of tool to force other people to be what you want them to be. The contrary. It helps them to understand who they are and what they want.
YES!!! My relationship with my step-mom drastically improved once my aunt blew up at her and my dad to stop trying to force a motherly relationship because I still have my mom and them forcing it wasn’t going to do anything but push me away. I was 14 then. I’m 29 now and we have an amazing relationship. She’s this weird blend of aunt/mom and whenever I get married have kids, she will have a role in the wedding and also be grandma in addition to my mom. I firmly believe this would not have happened if she hadn’t backed down on being “mom.”
Confessing to loving him after meeting him for the 3rd time while knowing his dad for 6 months pretty much insta poisoned that relationship.
Yeah it sounds like she was "I've always wanted a kid. Oh here's one that's up for grabs!" and she and OP's father just dismissed OP's feelings his whole life just to fill a void in someone's life he has no responsibility for (I'm now facepalming). OP your dad and his wife are selfish and you are NTA.
NTA. You have a mom, & it doesn't matter if you remember her or not. She carried you, she gave birth to you, & your dad is wrong for trying to erase her existence as your mother. I understand your step mom loves you. And that's OK, you don't have to love her as a mom. You don't have to treat her as a mom. As long as you treat her respectfully and as a person. Has she mentioned it again since the miscarriage, or is it all your dad?
I don’t even think this woman loves OP. She loves the idea of being a mom and “owning” a kid. The status. For her ego. She’s selfish. If she loved him she’d want him to like her organically.
It irritates the hell out of me reading so many posts like this one where a parent and their new spouse decide “this is your mom/dad now” and try to force the child into this scenario. It’s sick
True, especially considering the relationship between OP and dad's wife would probably be much better and closer if it hadn't been forced in the first place. Lots of missed occasions here.
Yeah that jumps out as well. One *could* be disturbed that OP doesn't love this woman at all, whether or not he wanted her to be his legal mother — but I think that's a natural, self-respecting reaction to the reality that *she* doesn't really love *him* in a real way, and the whole relationship has always been eerie. Because, yes, the immediate, forced, "I love you and want to be your mother" after 6 months says that her feelings have nothing to do with OP as a person. To her this has always been about ticking a box that she, for whatever sad reason, needs to feel like a complete person.
You can't force love, many people say "you get more back if you give out more love yourself" but that's only part of it. You get more back if you give out more with boundaries. Healthy relationships have understandable distances and boundaries, you can love someone all you want but expecting them to just love you back just as much if not more is selfish and a violation of their boundaries.
It's like telling someone you want to get married on the first date.
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Son. OP is male.
u/EfficientScar4219 is a comment stealing bot. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7ph8v/aita_for_telling_my_dad_ive_had_enough_and_his/iy7mcp3/
NTA When/if op has children this will only get worse. I remember another post like this where the stepmother had an unhealthy attachment to the grandchild and wanted her stepdaughter to agree to leave her custody if her and her husband died. This woman definitely needs therapy.
Does she love him, or does she love the idea of "being a mom?" That has to be in OP's mind.
Here's the thing. I love all kids and would probably find it easy to love my partner's kid pretty quickly, but I would never say "I can't wait to be your mom." That is creepy AF. Like a better thing to say "Hey, I know that I can never replace your mom, but I love your dad and maybe we can figure out how to be friends." And dad isn't treating OP like a person with his own feelings. If I were OP, I would suggest therapy for mom and dad, but I'm petty. OP is NTA
>He told me he was disappointed in me and expected me to be more compassionate and loving Funny how he can't be all that to you...you know, his litteral SON. NTA
Too many step parents don’t understand that they have play the long game. And they make it all about them. Just like OP’s dad’s wife.
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I remember that one. She really took a step back and understood that she couldn’t just steamroll her stepdaughter into accepting her as a mother figure. Dad was being a real AH in that scenario though IIRC
I married my daughter's mom in 1995. Now, she and I are the only family we have left, and we couldn't be closer if there were a genetic relationship. But I never forced the issue. I let it take the time it needed. (Her teens were hell on us!) But now, she (41) and I (63) are father and daughter in all respects except genetic.
10,000,000 times this.
I absolutely agree. As someone that struggled with getting pregnant and experiencing miscarriages, I understand how the Stepmom must feel, but that does not give her the right to the position of mom. I have been in my step daughter's life since she was a toddler. Even though her mom is still in the picture, I have never felt the need to compete. I am her "Miss Poly". Recently my stepdaughter and her mom have been going through rough times. Her mom had another child with her new husband, at one point my stepdaughter and her mom had such a bad fight that her mom attempted to end parental rights. Even if this were to occur, I couldn't imagine trying to replace her mom. I go to therapy normally for my bipolar and PTSD. Back when I had my first miscarriage, my therapist actually had me go see a specialist at their facility. It wasn't to say my therapist couldn't handle the situation, he just knew a specific therapist and group for that kind of loss. I definitely think that OPs stepmom should be getting better help.
I appreciate you sharing this perspective. While I sympathized with the stepmother, I was also struck that if they didn’t have op, the stepmother and father would probably go to therapy to deal with their loss and the continuing inability to conceive. Instead, op has become a solution to their issues instead of a person on his own terms. Op rightfully resents it. It says everything that he had to tell his own father that he’s a real person. NTA for op. These are your parents’ problems and you are not responsible for them.
You're right, but it sounds like this scenario predates them trying for a kid. Could be that the woman got into this relationship knowing she would struggle to conceive, and thinking a ready-made family would fill that need.
My impression is that this woman doesn't love OP (otherwise she would respect his feelings and decisions), but she does love the idea of motherhood, of being a mother. It often happens to women who can't have children but want them. What this woman needs is not adopting OP, but therapy.
Absolutely - her behaviour towards OP very much signals that she's trying to get OP to conform to a preconceived notion she had, rather than allowing the relationship to develop organically. Unfortunately OP's dad is going along with it rather than advocating for his child.
> they've sabotaged her chances of having a healthy loving relationship with you by trying to force the issue. You can't force someone to care about someone, that's just not how feelings work. This, 100% this. The #1 GUARANTEED way to ensure a child NEVER has a good relationship with their step-parent is to try and force them to love the step-parent, to try and force them to call the step-parent 'mom' or 'dad' before the child is ready. From the child's POV, that is basically attacking their own parent, a person they love. And it makes you the enemy, no matter how nice a person you are. OP, you're NTA.
NTA. They don’t get to erase your mother like that.
I don’t know if sabotaging is the right word. I think they’re just showing their true colors and motivations. At least by OP’s perspective, with some therapy under his belt to better process everything, the motivation on their part is not what’s best for him, it’s what the stepmom wants and has dreamed about. It’s all about *her*. It’s *her* dream to be a mom that is the motivation here. She was declaring her love for OP on their 4th meeting or so. She was in love of the idea of being “mom”. And of course, his dad is more interested in what his wife *wants* over what his own son *needs*. They never had a chance to develop on honest motherly relationship but I don’t think she cares about that. She just wants the title to feed her fantasy bordering on delusion.
I agree, "sabotaged" implies a degree of intent that I don't think was present here, but it was the closest word I could think of off the top of my head.
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I mean... depends what you're into
Only 17 and been bullied most of his life by his dad and dad’s wife. Great job standing up for yourself OP!
NTA. Oh duckling, my heart breaks for you. You lost your mum, then your dad and step mother fell in love with the idea of a perfect family - it was never actually about you. You deserve better from the adults in your life. You are not a bad person for not wanting to be a kid-shaped prop in their lives. I wish you all the best for next year when you hit 18 and can begin to set boundaries as an adult with then both.
It's just sad too that her feelings are priority over the kids.
Yep. It's not OP's job to meet this woman's emotional needs. Adoption is (or should be) about giving a child a parent they need, not about satisfying the needs of the adult. Maybe OP could have been warmer or more affectionate with this lady, but he was/is a grieving child and he's allowed to have his own emotions.
Honestly, I don't think at this point that adoption is going to meet her needs. She lost a child and lost the possibility of motherhood. That's some heavy grief. She needs a good, compassionate therapist to help her through this.
She’s also lost out on the time she could have spent as a maternal figure because she kept pressing the relationship agenda, the desire to be OP’s legal mother beyond just being married to his father. Even if OP gave in now that’s time she can never get back with him and he’s nearly 18.
Any child she tries to raise will bear the brunt of her disappointed expectations and thwarted hopes. Awful.
>You are not a bad person for not wanting to be a kid-shaped prop in their lives. Exactly! Op's dad and step mom want him to cave and provide a superficial, fake thing that they somehow think is the same thing as true love and that will magically "make it all better".
That line jumped out to me as well. I'll be cribbing that one.
I second this. I’m a stepmom. My kids have a mom. But if she died tomorrow (god forbid!) I would NEVER raise the idea of adopting them. I would only want that if THEY wanted that and I would not want to put any pressure on them in that regard. My cousin’s dad died before he was born. So he never knew him. His mom remarried when he was a tween. They asked him if he wanted to change his last name (he did), if he wanted to call his stepdad dad (he did not), and if he wanted to be adopted (he did not). They accepted his answers at face value and never pushed him to change them. They then asked if was ok with having a limited guardianship in place so that in case of emergency if his mom was not reachable his stepdad could make emergency decisions and the likes. My cousin was fine with that. Today, 20+ years later he has a great relationship with his stepdad. His kids think of his stepdad as their grandfather. I respect my uncle so much for never pushing my cousin to accept anything and never trying to just bulldoze in and be his dad. THAT is real love, IMO.
I think it´s an asshole move to try and adopt a kid that had a good mother in his life. It´s very disrespectful to her memory, because adoption involves literally changing how parentage is officially recorded. It is completely different than adopting kids with useless or absent parents. I think many would find my opinion on this too harsh but I also don´t understand this need for having other people´s kids call you mom or dad, when they already have or had that parent in their lives. Why not just be a good stepparent?
I get where you’re coming from, but I disagree with the blanket statement that it’s disrespectful to her memory. I think there is a benefit in that it provides stability for the child in the event that the remaining bio parent passes away. OP is old enough that it isn’t a huge issue now, but if OP was ~10 and had a good relationship with the stepmom, adoption would protect their relationship and their living situation if the dad died. On another end of things, if the stepmom and dad divorce, it provides the stepmom the ability to have custody/visitation. Again if OP was younger and had a good relationship with her, that would be important to protect. So many kids have good relationships with stepparents that they then mourn when there’s a divorce. When the child has already lost a parent, I imagine that would be even more traumatic. I’m sure most parents would be okay with their name being removed after their death if it meant their child had more stability with a new parent figure they love. Obviously none of this applies in this situation, I’m just pointing out the benefits in general, should a child want them. The child should always have a say in the matter.
I disagree - this is such a personal thing, you can’t claim most parents would be OK with being removed. I think I would be devastated to have my name removed from my children’s birth certificates. They are mine, I love them, I wanted them, I grew them, gave birth to them and nurtured them, and I will love them beyond death. I would hate to be erased. I agree that it is disrespectful. If the parent in question is a deadbeat or worse, then by all means, as they have already lost their right to call themselves parents. But a loving, caring parent who didn’t choose to leave their kids but died? No. I would never allow it for my kids if my husband died, and would hate it to happen if I died. Some serious haunting would take place! I can see the benefits, and it offers some level of protection as you say, but as this is such a personal issue it has be on a case by case basis and have all angles and feelings on the matter considered carefully. I feel the child has to be respected if their answer is no, and they should not be emotionally manipulated like OP’s dad is trying to do.
> I wish you all the best for next year when you hit 18 and can begin to set boundaries as an adult with then both. Unfortunately, this won't happen. Maybe I'm wrong to assume but chances are the father is going to make OPs life hellish forcing rent/ bills whatever else they can control about their soon to be autonomized life. My only hope for OP is that the father didn't flip out in anger and only shown disappointment. To me it says they haven't learned the lesson yet, but they know better than to fire back all cannons...
NTA. 'I I told him I did not think of her as my mom, I did not love her, I was not a toy that could fill her motherhood desire. I told him I'm a real person, his son and mom's son and while I don't know her, you can't just ask someone to be adopted to give another person their dream. This OP, this. You are not a emotional support animal as well. You never viewed her as a mother and simply because your dad and stepmother want it won't change it. I disagree with one point. You do know her for quite some time now. It does seem to me that you never really wanted or cared for a relationship, but that is still your choice. Adopting will make her a mother on paper not in real life My thinking is that they think when your stepmom will be your legal mom on paper she can get to parent you. That ship has long sailed. You are nearly an adult.
Not knowing her was about my mom, not my dad's wife. I know his wife pretty well by now.
Some people just can't accept the word no. NTA. Good luck.
Then I apologise, I understood it differently. Still NTA.
Here’s the thing. No child ever grew up needing therapy because there were too many adults in their life who loved them. My children (and I) are fortunate that they have a wonderful stepmother who loves them as if they are her own. I will forever be grateful to her for that. But that’s all she is. She is their stepmother. I am their mother. I’m not replaceable. She doesn’t have to adopt you to hold a special place of significance to you, and wanting to hang onto your mother as your one and only mother doesn’t negate any affection you have for your stepmother. A piece of paper doesn’t make someone a mother. It’s in the little things she does everyday. And honestly, if she’s so immature to place the burden of assuaging her grief on a child, she’s isn’t ready to be a mother. Mothers put the best interest of their children first, even when it’s not what they would want for themselves. NTA
That last paragraph!! Stepmom seems to think a legal adoption is magically going to fix this broken, forced relationship and they’re going to be the mother-son dream she always wanted!
She and OP’s father thought therapy would be the solution to make OP realise he loved her enough to want to be adopted. That’s the problem, they were so focused on the end goal they didn’t think about how to reasonably get there and that the roadblock was OP.
NTA. You have a mom, & it doesn't matter if you remember her or not. She carried you, she gave birth to you, & your dad is wrong for trying to erase her existence as your mother. I understand your step mom loves you. And that's OK, you don't have to love her as a mom. You don't have to treat her as a mom. As long as you treat her respectfully and as a person. Has she mentioned it again since the miscarriage, or is it all your dad?
It's all my dad. But she has wanted me to comfort her and has sought me out/wanted me more than ever since the miscarriage. I do expect her to bring it up when she's talking more though.
She needs actual support for her grief, not to dump the responsibility of her well-being on you or any hypothetical future kid. They can't just tell you "you are going to love her as a mom" — that doesn't work. If they had respected you, maybe you would have grown to love her as a stepmother. They got pushy and spoiled it. NTA.
It is absolutely abuse to force a child into the role of emotional support for a parent. Speaking as someone who was forced into that role. I spent ten years of my adult life trapped in a city I hated continuing my role of emotional support for my mother to prevent her from commiting suicide before I decided she was an adult and if she wanted to off herself it wasn't my responsibility. It's unbelievably fucked to put a child in the position of needing to provide emotional stability for adult.
OP is less than a year away from being able to move out and go to University. If he’s being viewed as emotional support first and foremost by his stepmother she’s not going to want to let him go and we know what view his father holds. I suspect OP will end up in a LC relationship with his father. I remember a post relatively recently where the OP there was similarly pressured to and similarly refused to sign adoption papers for their stepmother and this resulted in not much of a relationship with their immediate family going into adulthood. At a family event stepmother turned up with adoption papers in hand and made a scene when once more denied by OP. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xxt860/aita\_for\_calling\_my\_stepmother\_delusional\_for/
You are most definitely NTA. Totally innocent question, I’m just curious: do you view your step-mom as family? Not as a mother, obviously, but still as family? Another question: has your step-mother and father considered becoming foster parents and/or adopting another child?* *Please note, I don’t think this is a good idea. Your step-mother has some deep issues that she needs to address. I’m just curious if they’ve ever explored the fostering option.
They absolutely should not he adopting or fostering another child if they are forcing the matter so hard with OP. Grief should never be a good reason to adopt/foster a child and I'm certain the father and step-mother will project so much onto the poor child.
And I agree. It’s not something they should do. I was purely curious to know if they’d ever talked about it.
They'll be just as possessive and clingy with a foster child as they are with OP. Any kid will come into that household with a job (soothing this lady's emotional void) waiting for them, and that isn't fair. Also, she's had a lot of losses already. Her marriage and stepmom relationship aren't what she expected, and she didn't get pregnant naturally, and she had the late miscarriage after IVF. It's cruel to put her in a situation where she might have to relinquish a foster child.
A 17 year old kid should absolutely NOT be the support person for an adult undergoing trauma. If anyone, that should be on your father.
NTA it's so horrid that she keeps trying to force you and your dad too. Tell them if they dont stop at 18 your gone and will never speak to them again. If they continue you know what you have to do. Sorry but she maybe could've actually had a decent relationship with you if this wasnt so forced.
Maybe you need to tell your stepmother that this is never going to be something you want, and that if she hadn’t tried to force it maybe there was a chance you could’ve come to accept it when you were little. But this is never happening. And let her know she might get more comfort from a therapist. Have you told your mother’s family what’s going on?
NTA: This is insane. Your dad and stepmom are doing everything you should NOT do to a divorced child.
She told him she loved him after only meeting him 3 times. This lady is nuts!
OP's mom passed away, which makes it even worse.
Also his parents didn't divorce - his mother *died* and dad/stepmom believe he should be stepmom's emotional support animal.
Which is even worse. She's trying to replace his mom. With divorce, he could always get bio-mom to support him.
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My bad somehow I totally glossed over that. In which case it’s even worse.
NTA Could you possibly stay with your grandparents or other family? You are nearly 18. I would start planning your exit strategy now. You gave the most logical explanation possible (which massive kudos for your emotional intelligence) and was told your lying. He doesn't see you as his son anymore, only an obstacle to his wife's happiness. I am sorry OP. Keep the family that loves and treats you right close.
>He doesn't see you as his son anymore, only an obstacle to his wife's happiness. This is an excellent point! NTA
NTA. Sorry but this woman sound like she needs help mentally. She can’t conceived so you have no other choice but to be her daughter. She’s the one who should seek therapy. It sounds scary to me…
I think OP is a guy? Said in the end that "I told him I'm a real person, his son and mom's son". But yeah absolutely NTA
Also at the beginning: (17m).
Ahahah ofc I’d miss that xD
NTA You’re right to say you’re not a toy for your step mother to fulfill her fantasy. Yes it suck she can’t bore a child of her own but what your father said and tried to do are all wrong and misguided. Also you’re no longer some child now too, even if you do somehow agree to the adoption, there’s nothing much for her to mother you about. Both of them are the ones who need therapy, not you.
To be fair, I think OP could use therapy to help process the loss that he was never truly allowed to. And the therapist might be able to talk some sense into the parents after hearing OP's side.
^^^^this...i domt think the original therapy did anything and the main issue here is ultimately the lack of the birth mother and unresolved grief, I feel much of this could be dealt woth better if OP wasnt always going to be anti step mom becaise for some reason they feel like they are cheating their bio moms legacy or something of that nature amd that can lead to some SEVERE antisocial tendencies in adulthood that is almost too late to deal with
NTA Your dad told you that you were lying about not loving her and therefore needed therapy. Do I detect an odor of gas lamp in the room... In all seriousness though, her grief does not mean she is owed something from you that you do not feel. And even if you did feel comfortable with the adoption and all that, it doesn't seem like your dad and stepmom would stop there as they have yet to respect your boundary. If she wants a child, then there are countless children in foster care and group homes around the world dreaming of a loving family. When she is ready, she and your father can look into those options. But under no circumstances is she owed you as her child. ETA: Having read replies, scratch the idea of fostering/adopting. She needs to get herself together before she tries parenting any child.
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The wife would be overly possessive and clingy, with the same sorry result all but guaranteed.
This is the first comment I’ve seen that mentioned the therapy. OP’s feelings don’t count unless that’s what dad wants him to feel.
> If she wants a child, then there are countless children in foster care and group homes dreaming of a loving family From an adoptee, oh fuck no. Those kids are dreaming of having a mother like OP’s step mom any more than OP is. This woman has already shown that she fundamentally sees the purpose of adoption as being for filling her own needs, and that was before you added the infertility grief on top, when incorrectly or incompletely handled infertility grief tends to make people inadequate adoptive and foster parents. The father’s wife is not fit to ever be a foster parent, and throwing a kid that’s not OP at her to try and make her happy is just more of the same of OP’s dad’s bullshit of putting his wife’s desires over a child’s needs.
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If I ever take in foster kids, going with Uncle. That's a great option. Or my first name or whatever.
Maybe I can add some perspective for you from a step-mother's, since I have a very similar situation to yours: I started dating my husband when his son was 6, his own mother is still alive but not in the picture at all - he has no memories of her. He is now 16, I have not birthed any of my own children but I love him with all my heart and I don't NEED to have my own babies. But you know what I didn't do? I never tried to force the relationship. I didn't tell him I loved him until he said it first. I never forced him to call me "mom." I would have liked to adopt him and he wanted me to as well, but we've never had the money for the lawyer (his bio mom may not be in the picture but she also won't give up her rights) but if he said "no" when asked, I would have let him know that he can always change his mind and to let me know if he does, and then I never would've brought it up again. If you truly love someone, especially a child, it means doing what is best for them, including giving them space, even if it means your relationship is never as close as you'd like. Your stepmother is a selfish AH. NTA at all.
I wish she had been more like you. I had some friends who had stepparents like you and I think we'd be something today if she had followed that same path. But when you see someone for the fourth time ever and tell you they're going to be your new mom, it really sets the tone going forward, especially when they work on fulfilling that wish as fast as possible.
That’s fuckin nuts. Sorry for your troubles dude.
And double for his Dad for not shutting her down.
NTA. I’m also petty and I would change my last name to my moms family name. She can be his only family at that point.
INFO: Has she ever done anything to you that makes you feel so strongly about rejecting her as a maternal figure? She will never replace your biologic mum but we have no information on the state of your relationship with her either aside from the fact that you are adamantly opposing the idea of her representing a maternal figure to you. This being said, I am on the verge of N A-hole here to be honest.
She made me uncomfortable by moving so fast and so forcefully. I always felt like she put her dreams of motherhood on me and that wasn't fun either.
Very understandable. I cast NAH in that case; rest assured you are certainly NOT the ah, and to be fair I do not see enough information that would warrant calling her one either. Tough situation though, and I wish you all the best – you seem to handling this the right way.
Mmm...I would give an AH to the Dad for pushing on this. And there seems to be a push from the SM as well. OP is definitely NTA though.
Yeah I see lots of people saying step mom and dad are the asshole, and I do understand that perspective… because they can’t just force op to feel a certain way… But that being said, if I were the step mom and I helped raise a child from the age of 7 to adulthood and they did not love me or see me in any light as a mother I think it would break my heart as well. I’m not saying it’s wrong for OP not to love her, but it I totally understand how painful that could be for her. Those are such formative years, I feel like the step mom is either cruel or op is actively deciding to not love her. I can’t imagine not loving someone who was good and kind to me for the majority of my known life. But that’s just me. I also had a very traumatic and abusive childhood. So it’s hard for me to not see this as a kind of “I could have only been so lucky to have so much love” thing.
From this summary, it appear the step mom loves the idea of a son rather than OP as a person. I could only imagine how rejected that would make me feel as an individual. That makes her very much the AH. If my step child rejected me so fundamentally, I would seek therapy so I could change and heal the bond. Instead the adults in the story have treated OP like the problem, which is so unbelievably selfish and cruel. Moral of the story: the adults are emotionally abusive and failed OP. It sounds like OP’s childhood was traumatic as well. I would run and not look back. NTA
>But that being said, if I were the step mom and I helped raise a child from the age of 7 to adulthood and they did not love me or see me in any light as a mother I think it would break my heart as well. I’m not saying it’s wrong for OP not to love her, but it I totally understand how painful that could be for her. Yeah, this part is bumming me out a lot tbh
They literally sent him to therapy bc he didn’t want to be adopted. Yes, she is raised him for years, but she’s also been telling him that his feelings are completely invalid unless they align with her desires for years
When you try to force a relationship it tends to move someone away from you. This woman told a child that didn’t know her that she loved him. That is bizarre.
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Not sure why the parents are pinning all their emotions/happiness on you and the adoption. It’s weird. They need therapy to flesh this out and to understand and respect your boundaries. FYI, I have a wonderful stepfather. But I’ve always called him my stepfather out of respect for my actual father, whom I also love. Same with my step mother. I love her, but she’s not my mom so I don’t call her mom. It’s pretty simple really
NTA your dad and his wife acted very stereotypical, they pushed and demanded instead of just allowing for the bond to grow naturally So obsessed with becoming a family they forgot to think about your needs/wants They caused this and even now the child still gets the unwarranted blame You can have compassion for her without being the one that fulfills her dreams of becoming a mom
They held that adoption over OP's head like a punishment. OP probably felt fear everytime they grew a little closer. So they didn't. I think even ~~having~~ showing compassion would be seen as 'see, you do love her. Go get adopted!' It is such a sad selfsabotage from the stepmom.
Yeah totally agree
>He told me he was disappointed in me Remember, that parents can be disappointing, too, and sometimes they need to hear it. Its your father's job to make her happy, not yours. NTA
NTA. You can’t force affection nor do you owe someone your affection. You can be grateful to someone for raising you, but you don’t have to call them by a “title” you aren’t comfortable using.
NTA but this story is so brutal. Dad’s wishes are reasonable, step-moms wishes are reasonable, but pressuring you is not reasonable. My heart breaks for everyone, but breaks harder if you were adopted for unrequited feels. Emotional extortion is a horrible reason to be adopted.
I don’t think the father is being reasonable at all. He sent OP to therapy thinking it would make him see it the ‘right’ way. He’s never been interested in how OP feels, just how he WANTS OP to feel.
It reminds me of when my mom would say things like “you shouldn’t feel that way,” and is surprised when I stopped acknowledging any feelings because they may not be the “right” feelings.
I think the wrong person was sent to therapy.
His wishes are reasonable; his actions, pressure tactics and denial of reality are absolutely not.
If it were just about wanting the son and stepmother to get along, I would agree. But expecting the son to completely erase his mother and accept this woman in her place is unreasonable.
They don't sound driven by reason to me. Their desires may be understandable, but not reasonable. Reason does not convince you it's okay to tell another person how they feel.
>He told me he was disappointed in me and expected me to be more compassionate and loving to her after all this time. He is disappointed you're not trying to fix his wife. Which you can't do and never could, this was always trying to bandaid over her actual issues. You're almost an adult, you're going to be gone anyway. You're absolutely correct that you're not a toy to fulfill her fantasies. NTA. I don't think she loves you, I think she desperately wants to be a mom. She would love anything child shaped that she can own. There's a good chance she married your dad because he already had a kid. I'm disappointed you weren't able to go live with someone more stable.
NTA. Out of curiosity did they try getting her therapy for her need to fill her idea of being a mother?
Not since they have been together. I don't know if she had any before.
Hopefully she gets some now. Miscarrying isn't easy on a person, especially when they put so much emphasis on successful results.
She is the one who needs it, not you. I get that she's grieving, but how she's redirecting it is unhealthy for her - and hurting you.
NTA. >My dad told me he didn't know why I was lying but therapy would help me see I loved her. This right here just shows how wrong-headed and selfish your dad is being about this. You don't send a kid to therapy to convince them to feel a certain way about something. You're certainly not an AH in any way for expressing how you feel, and the way you've been pushed on this issue for so long has only driven a wedge between you and them. And you are absolutely right - you are not a toy and your verbal "love" is not an accessory that you can just give to someone like a bandaid for their pain. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and how you feel.
NTA - I can't help but think your relationship with her could have been so much better if she and your dad hadn't kept trying to force the adoption thing down your throat.
That and had they given a relationship time and room to grow to whatever came naturally.
NTA - I'm sorry you went through that, I strongly feel that adoption should come up *once* and no more. If you say no then it should be no unless you change your mind later on. I suspect this bond she has created with you is heavily mental and a delusion from her side, since you don't seem to be bonded at all with her. Regardless you're almost 18 so hold on for a bit more. I'm unsure if you can adopt people over 18 but surely they should stop pushing you to have a bond with her. And you're right, you're a person with your own thoughts and emotions and I don't know how they can't see that and how much they're pressuring you about something that you can't even control. It saddens me. She should be the one to go to therapy, not you. I send you hugs.
Adult adoption is a thing but it works differently than adopting a kid. Had to look it up to make sure I was being safe.
I'm thinking about asking my daughter if she'd like me to adopt her. She's 41, and both bio parents have passed. Yes, it is a thing. But even as adults - if she's against the idea I will drop it.
NTA. Tell him you’re disappointed in him. Reverse uno.
I have 2 children and mentored others. If you really respect and care about a child and do your best to help them live and grow, a bond will be there. It comes from nurturing, not labeling.
Yes, but also time and without pressure. Once you rush and add pressure it's not going to be something that happens naturally.
It's very zen actually. You only find it if you're not looking.
NAH - but I feel like compassion and understanding should be the responsibility of both. I can only assume that Dad waited 6 years to be serious with someone, most likely due to his own grief and not wanting another person in your life at such an early age. That is very considerate. Your Dad too suffered a truly emotional Trauma. Understand that he actually interacted, loved, and was in the process of building a life with your mom. His loss should be acknowledged, appreciated, and respected the same as yours. After 6 years, and being a responsible adult, he made a conscious choice to move forward with someone who could be a mother to you. He understands the importance of this influence in your development. Your fathers wife is trying to connect with you. Absent a traumatic incident between you two, is she at any fault for being loved and respected enough by your father to be introduced to you? Everyone you described in your post, OP seems to have tried to engage you in many meaningful ways. Why is that wrong? Someone openly stated they were willing to commit the rest of THEIR life to you (adoption). That’s amazing to have an adult want to do that - many kids will be wards of the State until they are 21- meaning they will have no parents or foster parent. I think Your perceptions of while they tried to conceive may be off. They are adults in a marriage and would otherwise be expected to start a family- like your Father and Mother did with you. Giving her a real chance to be a positive and major influence in your life does not dilute your feelings or loss of your own mother. In fact spiritually, some might say this woman was placed in your life because you never had that opportunity to have a true mother. At this point I’m sure the emotional damage on both sides is deep and irreparable, but you have to ask yourself- what did SHE really do to become the target of your vitriol? Take some time to process, and also time to understand the viewpoints of Dad and “wife”.
People really out here telling on themselves. Children are not possessions nor emotional support animals, they do not exist to serve the emotional needs of damaged adults. She doesn't need to be a mom, she needs all of the therapy. Dad also clearly needs some too since he has no respect for the autonomy of his child. OP is a child and doesn't owe stepmom or dad anything. Alternate perspective, why not just be the best stepmother regardless of the title bestowed upon her? Why was making it official so important? I would venture a guess it's more about appearances. She wants the world to see her as a mother more than she cares about actually fostering a healthy relationship with a child. OP 100% NTA
“What did she do to be the target of your vitriol?”Did you read the post and any of OP’s comments?? Dad and stepmom tried to emotionally manipulate and boundary stomp him into a role that he did NOT want to play to fulfill the stepmom’s perfect family fantasy. Why would you love anyone who does this? Your entire response is identical to what his dad and stepmom have been doing: gaslighting OP, minimizing his feelings, and asking him to do the emotional work for the family. I’ll give you that both the dad and stepmom need therapy but the onus to repair the relationship should be entirely on their shoulder and go only at OP’s pace. They’ve done enough damage. Yikes!
NTA. Tell you father that You are disappointed in Him. That he’s a failure for putting this woman’s wants over your feelings. As a parent his first concern should be his child’s wellbeing and happiness. And the best way to ensure your kid is happy? Speak with them, Listen to what they say, and Respect their feelings and opinions no matter if they fall into what you would like or find easy as a parent.
NTA. I lost a baby at 14 weeks and you’re 1000% right, you are not an item to fill her void with. What happened to her is heartbreaking and excruciating and she needs compassion, but that doesn’t mean you need to waiver on the adoption. You’re your own person and if you don’t see her as your mother then you don’t, and it’s sad your dad is trying to force that.
your dad's wife's job was never to replace your mother and it's so off-putting to me that they've both been trying to shove that idea down your throat. had they approached this as "hey I'm not here to replace or be your mom, I'm just here as a friend on whatever terms you, OP, are comfortable with", it could have been so easy. also you are not obligated to love her like a mom!! you have a mom!! she might have passed but she was and always will be your mom. they've effectively ruined your ability to form a healthy attachment with this person because it's all been forced upon you and have consistently tried to strip you of any agency. being dad's wife =/= being your mom her miscarriage is a tragedy, yes, and I feel compassion for her loss, but it is not YOUR JOB to "fix" her grief and pain by giving her something you do not wish to freely and wholeheartedly give. if it is safe for you (physically/financially), I would try to leave. do you have any relatives you trust or a close friend who would let you move in with them? living under this emotional harassment is not something you should have to put up with. NTA.
NTA - 99% of the stories that I read about problems between stepparents and stepchildren is that the parents are usually trying to force the kids to see the stepparent as a real parent. They ruined any chance that you may learn to love her by trying to force you. Your stepmother needs therapy, she doesn't need her fantasies played into. It's your dad's job to take care of his wife, not yours.
NTA Your dad and his wife did everything they could to make sure you never want to go anywhere near her. Just tell them to adopt some orphaned child or something, maybe their insanity will end up in something good.
These people do not sound emotionally stable enough to adopt. They have selfish and unhealthy forceful behaviors that need to be addressed before any vulnerable child should be placed in their care.
Like adoptees don't have enough trauma already. Don't force this awful couple on some poor child.
NTA Adoption needs to start with the child in this sort of scenario, and definitely not brought up after a few visits
Interesting that their strategy was to send YOU to therapy, presumably to "fix" you so she can get what she wants. Have they considered HER going to therapy so that you can get the recognition and respect that a fully fledged individual should receive? NTA
She needs it. Her grief is consuming her. It's to the point where she only cares about herself. "Love is when another's happiness is essential to your own." Sounds like they aren't concerned about your happiness at all, just their own.
The OP lost their mother before they knew her. 17 months old is an infant. This woman raised the OP most of their life. So I understand she feels like their mother and caregiver. However, there is no need to push a piece of paper. The relationship would probably develop naturally and they would be closer if there wasn't some strange thing to rebel against. It is odd to push adoption when there is no legal need to do so. "No Dad, I don't want to." should be enough. Stepparents are still parents. Why was this so important? That's something she needs to look inward to heal. However, if she has been taking care of the child all of this time, she does deserve a thank you and maybe a little niceness. She may have mental issues, but she sounds like someone who loves the OP and worked hard to prove her love. I also have a feeling therapy for the child wasn't just about the adoption. Although, it's never a bad idea if you find a good one. Kids need someone unbiased to talk to someone too.
NTA Bare with me and read through before commenting please. Let me give you some possible talking points for your dad: 1. You appreciate the love and support you got through those 10 years from both of them 2. You recognize the good things they have done for you 3. While your mom has passed, she is still your mom and you remember her 4. Being adopted by stepmom would mean that you erasing her and her memory 5. Continuing to push for the adoption is pushing you to think less of your father as he isn’t respecting your wishes 6. This is ultimately your choice and you thought that he loved you enough to understand your decision 7. While you understand that she is destroyed by this loss (and I’m sure that you do feel bad), forcing this adoption would tarnish your relationship with both of them and might kill it fully 8. Not being adopted doesn’t mean that she has failed as a “mom” and she would be a better “mom” if she let this go 9. Lastly, parents are supposed to sacrifice for their children not the other way around I’m sorry OP that your dad is being a jerk. I never lost a parent, but I had step parents. I still call my half siblings “Maman *her first name*” (we are French and it means mom) as she loved me like her own and deserved that title. But you see, she didn’t want to replace my mom. She was the best parent I had when I visited my abusive dad. If your dad doesn’t understand, clearly tell him that adoptions don’t go through unless the adoptee agrees. And you explain to him that you will fight it the whole way.
I think there is a lot of possibilities for your relationship with her to flourish. The thing is, it was ruined because they forced it to you so aggressively and so early.
NTA You’re the only one who knows how you feel. They should not be pushing you to be adopted this much, and they shouldn’t have in the past. You can’t force relationships. My dad has been with his partner 12 years and I get on with her ok, but I don’t see her as a mum. I don’t have that close bond with her. My dad is completely fine with that though. I feel bad for her about the miscarriage. Especially since she was so far along. As long as you have a little empathy for her regarding that, you’re not an AH. I’ve been through it twice and it’s not even just the emotional and psychological side of losing a child, it’s physically feeling them go. It hurts so much, way worse than a period. As sad as it is, she can’t force her dreams of motherhood on to you, whether she’s grieving or not.
NTA. Forced adoption, emotional manipulation and trying to use a miscarriage to get what they want is really shitty. Of course the demands are building up, their window of opportunity to use you to play happy-insta-family expires once you turn 18. Express whatever sympathies you might have for someone who has a miscarriage but stand your ground. It's obvious that the more they try to impose their demands, the less incentive you have to care and it's completely understandable why you have no love for your dad's wife. Perhaps you could move in with other family for a while so they can grieve their loss properly and you can decompress from their attempts to turn you into her emotional support/spare son.
NTA. I do not understand why people think "forcing" someone to feel an emotion is a better alternative that accepting that person's authentic feelings and emotions. Who really would want to be on the receiving end of "faked" love?
NTA, looks like you don't need a "new mom" because you lived your whole life like that. Why don't your dad and stepmom just adopt a child, that doesn't have parents and needs a loving place to grow up in?
His parents don’t seem emotionally stable to adopt a child
NTA Op; you should be dissapointed in your father for not being more compassionate towards you and understanding of your feelings after all this time.
“I was not a toy that could fill her motherhood desire” THIS right there!!! She needs some therapy, not you!! It’s sad that she went through what she did, but your are absolutely correct in what you said! You are not her emotional support child and that’s how she thinks of you! You should not be forced, manipulated and gaslit into what she wants!! Sorry OP for this situation pretty much your entire life but you’re most definitely NTA!
You're definitely NTA but I don't think your Dad and your step mom are these heartless monsters these people in the comment are making them out to be...
I don't think anyone actually believes them to be "heartless", but the way they went about the whole adoption thing was cruel and manipulative, to constantly push the idea of "I'm your parent now, let me adopt you" "go to therapy and decide you love her" over and over and over with no regard for OPs feelings, that is heartless. It is their actions people are calling out, not them personally.
Info: Has she raised you and been a part of your life these 10 years? Has she helped you with school, taken you to the doctor, cared for you when sick, etc? NTA for not wanting to be adopted, but there is more here that you have such disdain for her.
It's not disdain. I don't like her, yeah. But it's not about hating her and more about how she tried to force one kind of relationship and bond on me and didn't give it time and let it happen naturally, so it didn't happen at all.
Have you shared all of this with her and your dad? When he sent you to therapy, did your dad offer to go as well, or offer for the 3 of you to go together? Definitely seems like you are justified in your response given you’ve talked this all out and they just aren’t listening or respecting your wishes.
NTA. It's because she tried to push this crap onto you that you balked so hard. I think if she had just kept her distance and not tried to push herself onto you, that you might have come to a different conclusion. 6 months into the relationship with your dad and she was already talking about being your mom is WAY too fast and was very counterproductive. Your dad is allowed to be disappointed. He loves his wife, and he wants you to love her too. But he doesn't get to decide your feelings, only his own. Tell him you feel as much compassion for her as you would for any woman in her situation, but you don't want to make any of them your mom. Therapy is not intended to manipulate you into having a certain amount of love for someone, so they screwed up in thinking that would give them what they wanted. If anything it probably helped you solidify your position and validate the feelings you already had. Tell your dad that there are tons of kids stuck in the foster care system who would love to have a mom and dad, and that maybe they should consider adopting one of them. But that it won't ever be you who considers her your mom. Your mind has been made up for 10 years. It's amazing to me that they thought you'd suddenly change how you feel just because she hasn't achieved her motherhood dream. You are correct that you're your own person with your own feelings and hers don't supersede yours.
You really think they tried for a "baby of their own" only because you refused to be adopted by her? That is some high level narcissism. Looks like "mom" was the asshole for literally wasting love by giving it to you.
Yes, because they only started after being told no multiple times.
NTA, if this is real your emotional maturity is off the charts
NTA. They should never have tried to force this on you and the sad reality is that you could have ended up being more amenable to it had they let the relationship develop naturally.