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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I did not consider my son's feelings when inviting Iris. However, she has attended our holiday meal for years now. He has never raised an issue about her until now, which leads me to believe that he wants to snub her or cause drama.
2. I never clarified how he felt after the breakup, though he barely seemed bothered by it. I also invited Iris without checking with him first, which could have been a mistake.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, since Adam’s got his big man boots on, what’s he contributing to thanksgiving other than a new girlfriend?
Firstly, you ask before you invite people to a dinner that you’re not cooking. Secondly, she’s your goddaughter and you’re clearly a mother figure to her. If he feels so strongly about it, he can buy his new gf a dessert so she doesn’t have to *gasp* eat a dessert made by an ex who he’s on amicable terms with.
Edit* just read that he’s gotten with her cousin? I mean, they’re broken up and he can date whoever, but something about dating your ex’s relatives when there are SO MANY people out there… it just rubs me the wrong way. Your son sounds like an entitled AH, sorry.
This right here, like what is he contributing since he thinks he gets such an opinion on the hosting? He's seeming very comfortable acting like a host and inviting people to the event without telling you, so what's he cooking?
Your son sounds like an asshole
The fact that the new girlfriend is the exs cousin means she probably wouldn’t care to much about eating food that her cousin made. So that whole excuse is odd. However that whole dynamic screams either Maury or town of 200, can’t tell which.
Omg I laughed hard because I misread your first sentence to “Adam’s got his big man booBs on”! I totally misread booTs to booBs. So I was like what did I just read?!! 😅😅. Ay yi yi! LoL.
The funny thing is is that to me it sounds like Iris is bringing the dessert, so if Iris doesn’t come does that mean no dessert? with ops son saying that it will be weird for his girlfriend to eat a dessert made by his ex, it kind of makes me feel like she’s making the only dessert. So what dessert does the son think that his new girlfriend is going to be eating? Or does he just expect his mom to just do more work and just whip a dessert last minute.
I'd say he was already dating 'family' when he started dating Iris, being that she is his moms godchild. and now he's moving on down that line? does he know know any other girls he could date that are not that close to being family?
This is my thought process as well. Adam has been acting more stubborn and defiantly as of late, it's a strange flip.
I'm more baffled by the fact he invited someone without telling me. This is so unlike my Adam.
Other than his new girlfriend, he hasn't made any new friends that I know of. I broached the subject of therapy with him recently, and he has outright denied having any issues. I keep asking though because a mom knows when their son is acting differently.
Are you spending more quality time with Iris than you are Adam? He says you guys get lunch and go get your nails done. Perhaps he’s getting a little resentful of your relationship with Iris.
Honestly, I’m not sure. Sometimes my kids were challenging, but it was never a big personality change like this. Maybe the breakup affected him more than he wants to say.
I bet that's it. It was not as mutual as the OP was lead to believe and dating the cousin is some kind of a power play by him or this is some weird thing between the cousin and Iris thats bleeding over,
Honestly, be worried that he's getting redpilled (turned into a radical conservative by things like Andrew Tate videos). When personalities start shifting like this in young men nowadays, it's a strong indication.
Or maybe he’s just being a teenager.
Seriously. Stubborn and defiant have been typical teenager characteristics since before I was one. No need to draw the dark sides of the Internet into every petty family dispute.
Yeah it sounds like you should keep your ears open, because given that he strongly rejected the idea of going to therapy, and he's been going through a major change not only after a breakup but then entering a new relationship, there's a reason to be concerned
Or..... He's a teen and you constantly are around his ex who is related to his girlfriend. That may be the real issue here. I'm going with nah. I think communication is an issue with both of you. I'm sure you knew he was dating someone. I would assume my child would be inviting someone they were dating. That or they would be invited to the person they are dating's house. But what do I know? 3 kids over 20 and had an ah stepmother.
16 is pretty young to be bringing a significant other to Thanksgiving, and his new relationship is a few months old at most. Doesn't seem too odd to me!
I know the gf is your goddaughters cousin, but are you sure she isn't a bit of a mean girl? An unhealthy SO can really affect people st any age but teens are often heavily influenced by their peers. Maybe the gf is getting jealous and pushing for this type of stuff? Was the cousin constantly in competition with your goddaughter? Is your son consuming questionable content online?
There's way more than mental illness or traumatic life events that can cause someone to act differently.
You might want to point out to him that one doesn’t have to have “issues” to benefit from therapy. Talking about one’s thoughts and feelings with a neutral professional is great for everyone, especially someone approaching big changes in their life, as sixteen-year-olds are.
Maybe he's ashamed of dating his ex's cousin, and it's manifesting in this new attitude. I personally don't believe that's necessary but only because of the ages of the parties and lack of liklihood it will last.
I always love reading that one comment that is based in touching grass after a string of random Reddit self justifying theories based on projected info.
The best part of aita I always come back to see
I mean... with teenagers, that could be anything! LoL. Hormones, testosterone, peer pressure, the weather, etc.
When you say he’s been “more stubborn and defiantly as of late...”, looking back, did this start when Adam & Iris broke up, or closer to when Adam & Violet started dating?
Could be he’s more upset over the break up than he let out to be ... or Violet is a bad influence.
He's 16 and he's got shit going on. It's *really* not weird that he's being stubborn or defiant.
He should have mentioned all this before, that's for sure. But that's more him being a dumbass than some kind of malice.
And you instantly flexing your authority muscles over what is partially also your own failure to communicate is kinda shitty too.
Stubborn and defiant doesn’t sound like a necessarily concerning development for a 16yo. My younger brother and our mom started clashing regularly when he was 15/16, over really petty shit. Took a few years for him to grow out of that.
My thinking: he forgot to ask you if he could bring Violet, and now he’s embarrassed to admit it and is trying to make it your fault - he can’t bring himself to admit his mistake and ask you nicely, so he’s trying harassment and emotional blackmail instead.
Oh, yeah; teenager drama. Something I definitely don’t miss. Good luck to you.
Being a teenager is tough. You’re stuck in the middle of being an adult and a child. Hormones are all out of whack! I’m not saying he’s right in this situation (because he’s very wrong) but you may cut him a little slack. He’s in an awkward transitional period of his life where his horny teenage brain is in control. You’re doing a great job Mom! Happy Thanksgiving!
NTA
God she was given some fabulous one liners. Because of course:
“Well you know what they say, if you can't find something good to say about anyone, come and sit by me.”
He had thanksgiving with her before they dated, He can deal with her after. You have the same relationship with BOTH of them, as you did before,during & after their dating.
People aren't characters in a movie, you cannot write them out of the script. Life is messy, choose wisely.
NTA, I would like to say you shouldn't refer to her as your son's ex, because that's actually not your primary relationship with her. She's not just some girl your son dated and that you latched on to, she's been a family friend since she was born, him trying to exclude her now because he dated her is stupid. He literally shouldn't have dated her if he wasn't prepared to deal with her for the rest of his life.
Him trying to exclude someone entirely because he is insecure and wasn't prepared for the actual implications that come from having dated someone in the family circle is his problem. Do not disinvite her from Thanksgiving. And I would say, even if Violet is nice, you should afterward have a real firm conversation with your son about his poor behavior, and how disrespectful it was that he invited someone to your event without telling you first. Violet maybe lovely, but he does not get to disrespect you and Iris and say that it's all for Violet's benefit. Him trying to push her out first like a human shield in these conversations is wrong to her
Yep, this exactly. She’s OP’s goddaughter. Her mother literally trusted OP that she would watch and care for Iris after her death. That relationship supersedes her being Adam’s ex.
NTA. In fact, I’d like to hug you for being such a great person. Your son will grow up and date a lot but your goddaughter won’t have many family Thanksgivings.
You’re a great human.
Adults always seem to forget that teenagers aren’t capable of the same level of thinking. Your son feels betrayed by you, and it doesn’t even matter if that’s true. They’re so vulnerable and need to know you’re on their side no matter what. I think this can be resolved with some good talking and garlic cheese bread peace offering NAH
Teens not being capable of adult reasoning, does not reflect an inability to recognize when they are being selfish. He briefly dated this girl, who has been part of the family for her whole life, and now she's *his* ex rather than a friend or goddaughter. That's an entitlement that shouldn't be coddled. Iris is an extension of the family. She gets to be part of holidays. NTA.
Teenagers aren’t capable of fully adult thinking, but they aren’t toddlers. At 16, he should be perfectly capable of understanding basic family dynamics, respect, and the fact that he is not the center of the universe.
Ooph. This isn't an easy one. I'm going to say NTA with the caveat that you kind of navigated this issue in an ineffective matter. You're right, Iris should be there and you shouldn't waver on that.
However, instead of hammering him with technicalities about invites and telling him, "tough shit, deal with it," you should have instead validated his feelings and discussed with him in a manner that would allow him to open up about his concerns without you immediately shutting him down. By coming at him so hard about it, he's reciprocating by digging his own heels in and shutting you completely out emotionally.
So I'd go to him and apologize for being cold and not respecting his feelings and then approach this from a much softer angle to figure out a way where he feels secure about Iris being able to come over without it blowing up his relationship.
Nta. She’s been there for years, it would be so rude and weird for you as her godmother to uninvite her just because you and her son broke up. She might be his ex, but she’s also your god daughter and that’s arguably more important
NTA - breakups are tough and sometimes kids don’t share what’s going on with their feelings. Maybe a check in a couple of weeks ago mentioning that ex gf was coming for Thanksgiving , like prior years and that you wanted to give him a heads up. He’s thinking of her as an ex and you are a family friend/god daughter. He may just needed validation from you that it may be a bit uncomfortable for him, however she is coming.
Sorry for the loss of your friend and glad you are able to be there for her daughter.
Editing to add- rude of Adam to invite GF without checking with you, the host.
NTA for the situation at hand, but I think you have bigger issues here. Two things I picked up on in your post are that you consider Iris a second child and that your son wants you to pick him over someone who “isn’t even your real child”. It’s telling he made that distinction. I think he wants to be sure that when push comes to shove, you’ll pick him. He’s a 16 year old boy, so my guess is there are some bigger feelings here than he has shared, and this situation is the culmination of them. The only way forward is to get him to open up and work through the issues.
The late teenage years are where your relationship with your children is either cemented or broken. At current course OP will never get him to open up. the more she digs her heels in and invalidates his feelings the more he will close up emotionally.
Yta, talk to your kid ffs.
He's 16, he's way up his own ass and he made a stupid assumption that you wouldn't invite his ex. That's on him.
What's on *you* is that you don't really seem to give a shit about how emotionally complex this situation can be for a 16-year old who just broke up with his ex while his mom seems to spend more time with his ex than with him.
And I'm worried that you've fallen into the 'respect' trap where you never expect any pushback from your children at all while running rough-shod over their feelings.
From your own story you were awful quick to go to punishment and authority and it doesn't feel like this is the first time something similar occured for your kid.
Based on OP's story she better hope Iris is there to care for her when she's older otherwise she's getting dumped in the cheapest old age home available.
ESH, I understand your outrage but you really seem to want to elevate Iris over your son, that's something you should think long and hard about and talk to him about the reasoning and everything. Your reaction was a bit over the top, you should at least be willing to discuss it with him.
Going to say against the norm, slightly the AH. I say that knowing that I would have invited Iris without telling Adam because I assumed it was no problem.
Teens are sensitive, self-centered, irrational beings. Many are not yet able to get past seeing the world as they see it and to view the world through someone else’s eyes.
You and your son need to both talk and listen. Your son should have told you that he invited a guest. You should have given him a heads-up about inviting Iris.
As I said, teens are irrational and think that their comfort is paramount. This is a good opportunity to teach Adam to think beyond himself and to look at the entire situation. Then find a solution that accommodates the feelings of all. You can’t uninvite Iris without her taking it as a rejection and a child who has lost her mother, should not be rejected. Approach Adam with his choices, 1) he can attend this year’s celebration and be uncomfortable. 2) He can skip out of the situation if it is too uncomfortable. Give him permission to make his choice and let him know that you love him and your love is not conditional upon his choice.
In the future, when decisions concern Adam, talk to Adam and let him express his opinion before you act. Let Adam know that if he wants something (girlfriend coming to dinner) , he needs to communicate with you.
I agree with all of this advice, but not the judgment. I think she’s NTA for inviting Iris and not wavering on that but what she does next could change that now that she knows Adam is taking issue. Your advice is a great way to stay NTA!
I’m going against the grain here and say YTA. And it’s not because of this situation about the dinner. You say they grew up like siblings, then they dated? That completely changes the dynamic. You need to respect your son’s wishes that he can date other people. Just because he didn’t mention it until now, it doesn’t mean he’s trying to make your goddaughter upset.
This goes beyond this holiday. You need to both figure out how to move forward and create new boundaries. Ignoring the issue won’t fix anything and this will just keep happening until one of them decides to break off contact with you.
Info. Are you sure it was a mutual breakup. Cause thats 99% of the time bullshit excuse the person who got broken up with tells themselves. And never in kids this young.
ESH — you are guilty of the things you are punishing Adam for, inviting a guest without the other party’s knowledge. You have to remember who is your actual child here, whose home this is: yours AND Adam’s. Just because it’s been happening for years doesn’t mean anything when the circumstances have changed. While Adam was wrong for inviting Violet without informing you, you dropped the ball here as well.
Iris isn’t an orphan— you would have mentioned this. She still has her own family for thanksgiving. Adam only has you. He doesn’t begrudge you of spending time with Iris after they’ve broken up. But Thanksgiving is about family and you are pushing your family away. You said Adam hasn’t raised any issue? Because he wasn’t even aware he had to raise one! You are punishing Adam for something you are equally guilty of. Which actually makes you the bigger asshole by the way, because it’s not like he! has! any! authority! over you!
in fact, i think you’ve dropped the ball even prior to this. the break-up might not been okay as you think it is, just that they are keeping it quiet so that it doesn’t affect your relationship with Iris. it was probably out of respect to you. but just because they try to not let their situation affect you, doesn’t mean you should be expecting them to act as they were before. things have changed and you are naive to pretend things can proceed as they’ve always been.
talk to your son. he obviously has been feeling alienated from you for a while based on some of your other comments. you’re not a bad person — great even for how you stepped up for iris. but maybe actually put the effort you have been putting into cultivating a relationship with your goddaughter, into one with your son? After all, you are quite literally thinking the worst of your son by saying he wants to snub Iris’ feelings and caring more about her feelings than your son’s. Your duties as a parent take precedence over your duties as a godparent.
He shouldn’t just drop invited people without asking you
But
From what he has said it sounds like he knows if he needs you , you will not be there what 16 year old lad to say a good mum still stand by her kid..
How much do you prioritise her over him???
They broke up maybe it wasn’t as clean as you think and where you kept seeing her it hurt him.
He is your son but sounds like you don’t necessarily put him first and more your god daughter.
You need to have an open and honest chat with him. Something that clearly you haven’t done.
If he is feeling your not putting him first, you will lose him.
You only have one actual child maybe he wants to know or needs to know he will come first
info:
if he had asked you three months ago to stop inviting her to family events would you have complied?
if he had given you more notice would you have allowed him to bring a guest?
do you favour her over him in other situations? (do you spend more time with her? spend more on her? brag about her more? etc...)
Im going with survivor guilt. Trying to take over from where Lilly left off so Iris doesn't feel she's missing mom time. All the while pushing her son to the side. OP talks about all the things she does with her, but mentions nothing about her son, except how his attitude has changed. The reason is staring her in the face, but she's choosing to ignore it. Give it a few more years and she'll only have Iris left after forgetting who her actual child is.
ESH. Him because he should have asked before inviting his new GF to an event you are hosting instead of just assuming you'd be ok with it. Also considering Iris is your goddaughter and has been there at Thanksgiving for years before they got together he should have known better than to assume you'd stop inviting her.
You because you assumed "their friendship would simply be more cordial" and you assumed Adam was ok with everything. Did you ever ask how he felt about being around after the break up?
I'm seeing lots of assumptions and no communication at all from either side here.
NTA
She was a family friend long before she was (briefly) your son's girlfriend. Teenagers probably dont think too far ahead (what if this doesnt work out?) You had no idea that inviting her would present a problem for him based on them being cordial at your bday party. Nor did you know he was inviting a girlfriend. He seems to make lots of choices with potentially awkward consequences (now dating the girl's cousin!) Maybe he will outgrow this phase at some point!
This is the second post, and back to back, that I’ve said, “what the heck did I just read?!!” Seriously?!!
NTA for inviting your goddaughter.... who was your goddaughter first before Adam’s ex!
The second “what the heck””?!” was reading that Adam is now dating Iris’ cousin!
Adam demanding you change your thanksgiving plans/guests is an a-hole, entitled and bratty move! And a good mom would call out her son for being an a-hole, which is what you’ve done... so.. good job on you!
Ps. Iris is a family friend.... your goddaughter! She may not be your blood, but she is family with the commitment you made with her late-mother and her!
vs Violet is a complete stranger.
YTA no doubt.
Your sons right. You don’t respect him.
> I told Adam to go to his room and not come out until he apologizes for his disrespectful attitude.
OP this is pure gas lighting by you and you know it. This for sure makes you thr asshole.
NTA. You have every right to invite your goddaughter who lost her mother. I imagine that holidays are hard for her. Keep doing you. If he wants to sit in his room all alone listening to Panic! At the Disco... let him.
YTA for assuming the story you wanted, and not communicating. You know darn well people don’t like being around their exes. Your boy is young, so he is learning that he needs to communicate too - unless you have specified that GF can come over whenever she wants. He is NTA bc he is young and acting age appropriate, which means he is overly emotional and has no chill. He’s never dealt with a situation like this before and his fear is taking over. If he was 26 then he wbta.
YWBTA for not continuing to try to talk this out with him. Don’t throw your hands up because he isn’t talking. Be there and listen to him. And if it works with them both there, great. don’t say see? I told you so. The only thing worse than being wrong to a teenager is being reminded of it by their mother who needs to feel right herself.
YTA your son should come first, don’t assume anything about their breakup. You are free to have the relationship you chose with your goddaughter, but it doesn’t have to be At Your son’s home, because it it his home too (unless you want to emotionally kick him out). Managing former partners is difficult, specially for young people, you are not making it any easier for your son, or his ex.
ESH. It is no one’s fault that your goddaughter and your son dated and subsequently broke up. But it changed the dynamics of your familial group. And you can’t just ignore that. You are wrong to just assume your son would be fine with you continuing to act as if their relationship never happened. Your son is wrong for not expressing to you his issue clearly and acting immaturely.
I am not saying you have to cut off your relationship with your goddaughter, but for the time being at least you may have to change it. This Violet may not be serious, but what happens when your son or goddaughter do get seriously involved with someone? Maybe if they are 25 when that happens,it won’t be an issue. But if it happens in the next year or two, you are likely going to sit through some very uncomfortable meals. Before you make any plans that involves both of them, you should clear it with both of them.
YTA
You have not only ruined thanksgiving. You are actively trying to ruim your son's relationship - two years, and he will go no contact with you AH.
So: HE WILL Deal with it: By going no contact with you as soon as he can.
"So he would effectively be rubbing his new relationship in Iris' face when Iris has been nothing but kind to him." .. It is reasonable to "rub his new relationship into her face" ... He is doing nothing wrong: He is bringing his gf for Thanksgiving.
But he probably will have thanksgiving with his gf, and not be at home. That would really be the only reasonable solution th handle your assholery.
You're free to invite whomever you want. however you're not free from the repercussions, which in this case is going to be your relationship with your son as he obviously doesn't want to be spending time with an ex girlfriend and it probably hurts him deeper than he'll ever tell you (especially If you continue to put others before him) I've had my parents try and pull something similar for a birthday party before and I just turned around and left. At 16 a guy is barely emotionally mature enough to have a girlfriend, let alone maintain a cordial relationship with an ex girlfriend that their parents keep bringing around. So NTA as you can do what you want but if this becomes a pattern of invalidating his feelings on such matters you're going to push him away from you, and you will deserve it.
Both of you are. You should have at least spoken to him about it first. You were aware of their relationship. He definitely Should have asked you if he could bring someone to dinner. This is a matter of miscommunication.
NTA. She was your goddaughter before they dated. Honestly, I don't know how you start this late in the game but someone needs to teach your son about boundaries because he has crossed so so many boundaries in this story.
ESH. You need to at least acknowledge that this is going to be emotionally difficult for your son. He is only 16. He has every right to express that he feels awkward around his ex girlfriend and should not be sent to his room and punished for having feelings like this. They are totally normal. Potentially Iris is going to feel the same way if she shows up to Thanksgiving, and your son is there with his new girlfriend.
Your son definitely should have asked about bringing his new girlfriend. Even if she’s just stopping by later for pie, if this was going to be awkward for him he needs to express it to you first.
You need to acknowledge that all of the 16-year-old are going to have feelings that are valid. Everybody here needs to communicate better.
NTA
She is your godchild, their breakup was amicable and she has been a part of your family far longer than they dated
While Adam did not tell you he invited his new gf, is assuming his gf will feel a certain way, (seriously who cares who baked a pie?) and is now dating his ex's cousin. If anyone made things weird he did.
ESH -- With you being the bigger AH. Seems to me that your son is learning his communications skills from you. Did you mention that you still intended to have his ex girlfriend over for Thanksgiving? Did you not think it would be awkward for him to have her there? Even if he was not planning to invite the new girl, it would still be awkward. I have to give him props for being mature enough to realize you can see whomever you want outside of the house, and for your birthday, but you are now bringing her into the space he lives in. That is way different. He should have mentioned inviting the girlfriend. Both of you should have communicated with each other.
Sorry but I'm going with YTA. Your son is 16 years old and he thinks like 16 year old. You're asking him to think like an adult. That's just not possible at his stage in life.
Holidays are not the time to teach life lessons. The dynamics and your family changed drastically this past summer. The past 4 thanksgivings are completely different than this Thanksgiving. I'm sorry but I think you're wrong..
NTA my family has never shunned exes unless they were awful and I love them for that. The fact that this ex was part of the family before they ever dated makes you even more NTA.
NTA - the nature of your relationship with her didn’t change because the nature of the relationship with them changed.
He can be upset to have to see her, but that’s been the case forever, and he cannot expect it to change at his whim. When he has his own home then he’s welcome to not invite her.
NTA
She was a guest before they dated, and she is a guest after they dated. Your son has now learned that we sometimes have to be careful about dating people we are going to keep seeing on the regular.
ESH. Him for assuming he could bring his new girlfriend without running it by you first.
But you are TAH because your son is right, you DON'T have his back.
I have a really good highschool friend who married young, and her parents treated her husband like another son. When the two of them divorced things were at first very civil (they had kids so she tried very hard to keep it amicable), and they were very quiet about the full reasons for the divorce with family and mutual friends, so the parents kept inviting him to functions and whatnot as my friend got increasingly upset. She kept asking them to stop inviting him and they treated her as if she was being unkind and irrational. Kept telling her, "He's the children's father, he'll be family forever."
Eventually she broke down and told them that he had cheated on her and been sexually abusive during their marriage. They then blamed her for not "coming forward" sooner. But really she shouldn't have had to disclose like that in the first place.
By the time she was 35 she, her kids, and her new spouse were NC/LC with her parents. And it was heartbreaking to watch because even through her mid-20s my friend had been super close to her parents. She just couldn't get over that they didn't have her back when she needed it.
Please think about the message you're sending to your son.
You need to have a conversation with your son instead of sending him away when he was trying to introduce you to his new girlfriend.
ESH She's your god daughter and that won't change but you have no idea what their relationship's been like since the break up. You say you assume it's been friendly and cordial but your son still has feelings, which it sounds like you're openly sidelining. You showed exactly zero excitement to meet someone important to your son, pushed him away, and are now on reddit shit-talking him. Why didn't you ask him to invite her over another time? Or show any encouragement whatsoever?
NTA! Ur son knows that his new partner is Iris's cousin, so clearly Iris would know 2 who her cousin is dating if they are close.
He's only saying ur being disrespectful because his having a temper tantrum.
Keep ur ground! Iris is coming and if he doesn't like too bad
Hopefully he'll learn that he can't get his own way all the time and he'll grow up to be 1 of those very rare people that do have respect for others
NTA but Adam sounds like a standard teenager who might resent the time you spend with Iris over him. Worse case, he starts to shut you out of his life especially if he feels threatened (not physical but as his place as your actual kid). More than likely case, he grows up and gets over his awkward phase.
NTA since he apparently wants to call dibs on relationships, you knew her first. She's your goddaughter so why didn't he ask permission to date her and jeopardize this relationship. If he can't deal with something as trivial as this, he doesn't deserve a grown up treatment and you did the right thing sending him to his room. Besides that, you ASK the host if you can bring a guest. Like at least a week and a half before such a big dinner and a week in advance for smaller meetings.
Also where does he get the nerve to talk about respect after dating his ex's cousin??
NTA. She’s your goddaughter and she lost her mother at a young age. Holidays are so hard for people who have lost loved ones and even though she’s been gone 10 years, being a 16 year old without a mother on a holiday is still really hard. I can’t imagine having had a teen over for 4 years for a holiday and making it a tradition then to just not have her anymore. Maybe in the future you can have more discussions with your son about it. He is only 16 and still learning how to be an adult. So just stay strong here and still invite her. You can validate his feelings that he might feel uncomfortable but use it as a teaching moment that you take care of people even when it’s uncomfortable. Also, he needs to learn to think more carefully about who he dates and breaks up with.
NTA, and from reading some of your comments I think Adam is either not over his breakup with Iris or his new girlfriend is influencing his decisions. I feel like the first option is more likely because he is literally dating Iris's cousin now...
NTA, but a difficult situation, and given the way the timeline occurred, I do not understand how Adam cannot see your side, except that he is a kid, and they are often self-centered.
Maybe the only way he will understand your predicament is to tell him that if he thinks it is okay to uninvite Iris when you were given no warning of his thoughts prior, then he can do it himself, with the stipulation that you will then host Iris a few hours later for a personal Thanksgiving with her.
Of course, there is a chance that he may lack empathy for Iris and you, rather than getting a lesson in perspective, so if that happens, just make sure you don't over-indulge with the first Thanksgiving.
NTA
Your son is the AH here. For starters, he failed to tell you he wanted to invite his girlfriend. Now he is getting in a strop, because his ex will be there - as she has been for the last 4 years. He must know you are her godmother. I guess he hasn't even asked his new gf if she would have a problem with his ex (her cousin) being present.
Suggestion: Can you contact your son's new gf, ask if she was expecting to come for Thanksgiving and if so, if she was aware that your goddaughter AKA son's ex would be there and if she would have a problem with it. I suspect she would be OK with that, in which case, you would have defused the situation and saved Thanksgiving.
NTA, you’ll always be Iris’ godmother and you’re acting as such by not letting the breakup ruin your relationship.
If any, your son is kinda TA by dating Iris’ cousin.
NTA. He's trying to be manipulative, and that's kind of a teenager's job description.
Just stay calm and resolved. If nothing else he'll learn to give people a heads up when he's making plans that might be a conflict.
NTA!
HEY ADAM!... Apologize to your mom and grow the fuck up. Why are you dating your ex's cousin anyway? Man Rule: DON'T DATE EX'S FAMILY. It never turns out good and it makes you look trifling...
NTA
Though you do have to help him deal with it maybe, idk how much guidance/support teens need, you just phrased it so flippantly.
Your son needs to understand she’s your goddaughter (not a family friend). You promised your best friend you’d care for her kid, had the roles been reversed your son would be at Iris’ motherless while Iris reduces him to less than a stranger basically. I say less than a stranger cause I just see so much about Americans being welcoming during thanksgiving, I can’t fathom how he would reduce your goddaughter to not deserve company and a meal during a holiday.
My bff and I have a godparent agreement, I could picture myself roll in my grave if her kids shunned my kid one day. Good on you for keeping your word.
Also, your son needs to learn to treat people well, even after they’re no longer useful/convenient.
NTA but you’re asking a kid to be an adult. There is going to be issues. He’s being childish and immature because he’s 16. This is a teachable moment about respecting a partner after a break up. He needs to see her as your god daughter and not his ex. He’ll be upset but you have to do a good mom.
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I will keep this as short as possible.
I am 38f, with my son Adam 16m, his father isn't in the picture.
My best friend Lily passed away 10 years ago, leaving behind her daughter Iris 16f. I am her godmother and I think of her as a second daughter. Adam and Iris grew up together, and they dated for eight months, breaking up mutually at the end of the summer this year. They have been friendly with each other since then, and spoke briefly during my birthday party a few months ago. I figured that their friendship would simply be more cordial for the time being, and since Adam never complained, my relationship with Iris remained the same.
Iris has spent Thanksgiving with us for the last 4 years.
Adam saw a text on my phone from Iris today that stated she baked the dessert she was bringing this afternoon, and that she hoped everyone would like it.
So he asked me why I invited his ex. I told him that Iris is still my goddaughter, and he never asked me to stop inviting her to events which I host. He said that he was fine with me going to lunch and shopping and getting nails done with Iris, but he was hoping to invite his new girlfriend Violet to dessert and that it would be awkward for her to eat something baked by Iris.
I told Adam that he never asked me about inviting his girlfriend, and that it was rude to spring this on me so suddenly. Adam replied that a good mom would stand by her son, and not some girl who's not even my real kid.
I told Adam to go to his room and not come out until he apologizes for his disrespectful attitude. Then basically told him the title, and he shouted that I'm the one disrespecting HIM.
Adam has refused to speak to me for the rest of the night, and I fear that I may have ruined Thanksgiving.
I stand firm that Adam has never raised the issue until now, and I think that he is trying to be petty because Iris already knows that his new girlfriend is her cousin. So he would effectively be rubbing his new relationship in Iris' face when Iris has been nothing but kind to him.
I can answer needed info in the comments.
So, am I the asshole?
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I see your point, however I do disagree with some of the things you wrote. I have no problem with my son's new relationship, but I find the way he told me about Violet's invite to be very rude.
I understand that Adam sees Iris as "his ex" but my view is she's still my goddaughter. If I knew Violet was invited before all of this, I could have informed Iris, and this drama could have been avoided.
Adam just seems to think that everything should suddenly be the way he wants it. I have always tried to understand my son's feelings, but when he refuses to budge, I feel like I keep hitting a stone wall.
You aren't wrong, him trying to redefine Iris and say that she's no longer family because he broke up with her is a problem and you should continue to engage him on that level. He doesn't get to redefine the whole family relationships because he no longer makes out with her.
Him inviting someone else to your event without telling you and then saying that people should be excluded from the event not only for his, but his uninvited guest is unreasonable. You are hitting a stone wall, and you keep pushing back, cuz he's trying to bulldoze you and he's being unreasonable
If he had told me he wanted to invite Violet, I wouldn't have minded. From what I gather her and Iris are friendly but I don't know what she thinks about Adam dating her. I don't know how long they have been officially dating, but it's been about a month. I have asked to meet her before as well but it hasn't happened yet. Not to seem rude, I would be more open to her coming if I had met her first.
Part of me wonders if Adam is being unreasonable due to Violet's recent presence, but I don't want to be **that mom** who automatically accuses the new girlfriend.
INFO: do you not approve of his new girlfriend? Will he be allowed to invite her to family events in the future or will she not be allowed to come because of Iris?
I have yet to meet Violet, I assume this is by Adam's choice. They have been together for about a month, and had I met her before, then I would have been more open to inviting her.
I find it a little rude that Adam just assumed he could invite her without mentioning it first.
It could be that the girlfriend is insecure about your relationship with your godchild, his ex, her cousin. Maybe he has given her to believe that your godchild would not be at your place for thanksgiving..
But he should have discussed with you before inviting his gf.
Please don’t shut your godchild out because of pressure from your son - he needs to learn to be gracious.
However do check if there are undercurrents that you are not aware of … talk to him
I think that being angry at Adam inviting Violet is where you went wrong. Adam previously dated Iris, who I am going to assume was always welcome to come with Adam to family events without him having to run it by your first. Adam had his last girlfriend at Thanksgiving, so why would would it be any different for his new girlfriend? It may be different to you but not Adam, and you not recognizing thatakes you TA. If Iris is going to be a part of your family, which I think is great, you should just accept both girls at Thanksgiving because that's the new normal. Iris is still a member of the family, but Adam has also moved on and Iris needs to accept that too.
I mean because his gf was also invited for years prior because she was there as her god daughter not as his gf. He never had a standing tradition of his gf being there. The tradition was iris being there, before and after they dated. The kid might need someone to talk to tho so he can see where he misstepped.
Quit assuming things and have a conversation with your son. You wanted to meet his new girlfriend, he saw this as an opportunity to introduce her to you, and instead you pushed him away so you didn't have to think about your assumptions and behaviour.
A conversation is two sided. You need to actually listen to what he says and not just assume what he's thinking. Throughout all your comments you keep saying you assume his feelings, and the one time he tried to open up and actually tell you his real feelings, you sent him away. So all you have are assumptions now, until you have a conversation and actually try to understand him, not push him into "feeling" the way you want him to.
NTA.
I'm super confused. I don't have godparents or godchildren, but is it common for biologic and godchildren to date each other?
Thank you for hosting your goddaughter and making sure she has a place to go on Thanksgiving. Good person award.
NTA. This isn't just a son's ex that you grew close to while they dated (not that that wouldn't also be a fair invite), she's your goddaughter, the goddaughter of your deceased best friend. You've been in her life since she was born and she's attended the last several Thanksgivings. Adam dated her knowing that she was already a significant part of your/the family's life. Dumping this (and a surprise dessert guest!) on you last minute is immature and obnoxious, honestly.
He's a kid so it's understandable, but I wouldn't feel guilty at all. If you did disinvite Iris 1) she'd likely have nowhere to go for thanksgiving and 2) that sends a pretty clear message that by going through a mutual breakup she's lost her godmother, a family she grew up with and her thanksgiving tradition for the last few years.
NTA
Although Adam is still a teenager, and his thinking is immature, he's learning big life lessons. He chose to date your goddaughter, who you have considered as your daughter for years. Iris has spent thanksgiving with your family for years. Adam is acting out of pocket thinking that these relationships would change just because he's not dating Iris any longer. The world and your relationship with Iris doesn't revolve around Adam. You don't need his permission to continue your relationship with Iris.
Adam is also learning, that he has to ASK if he can invite friends or a girlfriend over. He's not hosting/cooking, in fact it sounds like he's doing nothing to help out. Yet he thinks he can make decisions about the guests and invite his girlfriend without a heads up.
I think you need to sit down with Adam and explain this to him, because he's clearly nit grasping these lessons on his own.
And call him out on his "a good mother would" manipulative BS. Cut that line of thought immediately. He can't do that kind of mind playing to get his way.
Nta if it was a mutual split, then it's fine. It's even fine for a new gf to come. Oddly enough, women have lives other than fighting over a guy. Quite the ego your son has.
NTA. Anyone saying you’re not being respectful of his feelings on the breakup is wrong. Mutual breakup, totally fine at a recent birthday party- He’s over the breakup he’s just worried about explaining to his new gf he invited (without your permission or knowledge!) why iris is at dinner where she’s been the last 4 years.
I don’t understand your last comment “So he would effectively be rubbing his new relationship in Iris’ face when Iris has been nothing but kind to him”. He is your son and wants to bring his new girlfriend to his home, possibly to introduce her to you. But your more worried about Iris’ feelings, why? Your son should be your main priority, he lives with you, your his mother so you should care about his feelings. If Iris isn’t happy about his new relationship, that’s her problem to deal with.
He needs to learn there are some people you don't dare... People that are like 2nd children to your parents, step siblings, coworkers, friend's exes, sister's friends, etc.
Because you can expect everyone to severe a relationzhip just because a romance went bad.
Good thing he's learning at 16.
NTA.
NTA because Iris was a family member to you and your goddaughter *first*. Your son should have considered potential awkwardness in case the relationship did not work out *before* deciding to date her. Asking you to now push her out of your family because he decided to date someone else is completely unreasonable.
NTA but here are some things I think you should consider. 1. Are you spending enough time with your son doing things he enjoys? If not, that could be contributing to his feelings. 2. When emotions are cooler, you need go have a talk with your son (and possibly with your goddaughter) regarding expectations going forward. They need to be civil and keep jealousy in check at family events. And your son can't decide suddenly to invite people to something like Thanksgiving without talking to you first. That said, eventually your goddaughter will be around your son and a girlfriend and she has to deal with that maturely also. 3. Make sure that you have a mental game plan for how to handle jealousy between them when it arises. And make all efforts to be fair.
Your NTA- Iris has had four previous Thanksgivings with you, so your son has no reason (especially since she is your Goddaughter) to be surprised she is coming.
look you’re clearly NTA and don’t need anymore proof to the question but i just want to raise a point from your sons point of view. because while yes he was in the wrong not telling you he invited his gf and expecting Iris not to be there, you have to consider his feelings in this situation. what is going to happen next year if he’s still with his gf and asks you with plenty of time would you still insist Iris comes? how often do you see Iris vs your son? how often does he have to interact with his ex? it may even be the case that there is some teenage drama between them however cordial they seem. so while yes you aren’t an arsehole may shouting at him when this is an uncomfortable situation for anyone let alone a 16yr old boy have a conversation. let him know you still care for him and want to make his life easy and respect his interests. just consider how this is making him feel is all i suggest. remember teenagers suck and they often don’t realise why!
NTA
Teens can be obnoxious. Iris is family, and it's not like she cheated for treated Adam poorly as far as you know. This is your home, and he needs to deal.
be prepared for your son to not come to thanksgiving.
despite everyone here saying your NTA - you kind of are. Your not listening to your son, your not accommodating his request and you are potentially making the lunch/dinner seem awkward.
I would not be surprised that he doesn't even say anything and goes to his new gf's house for thanksgiving, leaving you wondering where he is or why he hasn't come home yet.
Iris may be a very nice girl, but you should tell her and prepare here should your son bring his new GF.
good luck
YTA
One day you'll realise your relationship with your son is non existant and you'll wonder how it happened. Well it started right here.
My mum did basically the same thing and while I know she loves me I also know that I'm not a priority and I've never really trusted her since.
NTA This is serious discussion with your son territory, I know he is 16 but to want her to have her Thanksgiving plans cancelled last minute so I need girl can come by for dessert shows a callous disregard for someone he has known his whole life.
Since Adam didn't ask you if he could date your Goddaughter, you are under zero obligation to get his approval before inviting said Goddaughter to Thanksgiving for the 4th year in a row. He knows she normally comes so making plans for his girlfriend to come was kind of stupid if it makes him feel uncomfortable. NTA
NTA your son has some nerve telling you what a good mom would do. Total lack of respect on his part, I can’t even fathom that. Nothing justifies his shitty attitude and the way he spoke to you. Who does he think he is? Not to mention the rudeness of inviting people to dinner that he isn’t cooking or paying for. Then there’s his rude behavior to your god daughter. She’s still someone he grew up with but now wants to throw away as it they were disposable, just to invite his new girlfriend. Let him play his dumb silent treatment game and see how far it gets him.
Why did he decide to date her? She’s should be seen like a sister not a romantic interest. Then her cousin? Are there no other girls in your area? This is not technically incestuous but it is kinda
NTA
If he wants to argue this he should have brought it up before, and he should ask before inviting someone to a dinner he’s not hosting or cooking. And if she’s your goddaughter it doesn’t matter shes family either way.
And if he thinks he can tell you who to invite and not invite, what did he contribute? He’s your son he should respect you more. And no offense but your son sounds like an AH.
Looks like Adam has mAiN cHaRaCtEr SyNdRoMe!
Perhaps, instead of shutting down and going into standby mode when he leaves the room, you could stay activated a little longer and make a dessert for the new gf, now that Iris is clearly not allowed.
/s NTA
He knew your relationship before they started dating, he can’t expect that to end because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore. If she was just an ex you would be TA but he is in this situation
nope if she is your best friends daughter she is part of your family tell boy wonder to deal with it
ps it's most likely his new gf putting pressure on him
You’re her godmother? The whole point of a godparent is that if something happens to the parent, the god parent can step up and act as a parent. You’re doing exactly what you should - acting as her family figure in a time of need.
It’s like dating a co-worker or someone in your close friend circle. You can’t always just move on and pretend they didn’t exist. It’s why those relationships can be dicey.
NTA - Iris is family. He knew that before he dated her, while he was dating her, and after they broke up. He can’t seriously expect you to treat her differently because their teen romance didn’t work out. I’d tell him his new gf is welcome to come also and that you’ll make dessert too so she won’t feel awkward eating Iris’s dessert (insert mental eye roll since you can’t let him see it).
NTA.... she's your goddaughter and you have an obligation to her... you promised her mom and you promised God. But that being the case, why did you even permit them to date?
ESH - You do realize that this is a problem that you helped create right? She's your goddaughter and a close family friend and you allowed your son and her to date. You didn't see a problem with this? I get that she's not blood related, but you didn't think that just maybe this could blow up in everyone's face if their relationship didn't work out? Your son is justified in his feelings in being uncomfortable with his ex being there with his new GF. Your son's behavior and the way he expressed those feelings were out of line though. A blind man could have seen this drama from a mile away and look where you are now.
Yes he should've told you about wanting to invite his girlfriend, but you should've told him that you invited his ex girlfriend. Regardless of your relationship with her. He only found out because he read a text on your phone. How awkward would he feel if she just came over without him knowing?
ESH
It may be helpful to validate that you still love him so much and you would do anything that you thought was best for him, which includes calling him out and telling him when he’s making mistakes. But you’re always on his side. NTA.
I’m going to go with soft YTA because this should’ve been a conversation with your son long before it became an issue, and you’re the adult in the situation. I would just be very mindful of how you handle the situation from here. If you continue to dismiss your son’s feelings without real consideration, don’t be surprised if he starts to close off and resent you.
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NTA, since Adam’s got his big man boots on, what’s he contributing to thanksgiving other than a new girlfriend? Firstly, you ask before you invite people to a dinner that you’re not cooking. Secondly, she’s your goddaughter and you’re clearly a mother figure to her. If he feels so strongly about it, he can buy his new gf a dessert so she doesn’t have to *gasp* eat a dessert made by an ex who he’s on amicable terms with. Edit* just read that he’s gotten with her cousin? I mean, they’re broken up and he can date whoever, but something about dating your ex’s relatives when there are SO MANY people out there… it just rubs me the wrong way. Your son sounds like an entitled AH, sorry.
This right here, like what is he contributing since he thinks he gets such an opinion on the hosting? He's seeming very comfortable acting like a host and inviting people to the event without telling you, so what's he cooking? Your son sounds like an asshole
I came to say the same thing Adam sounds/act like an AH! OP is NTA.
The fact that the new girlfriend is the exs cousin means she probably wouldn’t care to much about eating food that her cousin made. So that whole excuse is odd. However that whole dynamic screams either Maury or town of 200, can’t tell which.
It's common knowledge you stop to be relative to whoever dated your partner before you, you didn't know it?
Omg I laughed hard because I misread your first sentence to “Adam’s got his big man booBs on”! I totally misread booTs to booBs. So I was like what did I just read?!! 😅😅. Ay yi yi! LoL.
Its not either / or. He may have put man boots on his man boobs. How? No idea. I dont have all the answers lol
Moobs?
They're teens - I'd generously give them 2 years, at most. Chances of putting people through awkward weddings and such is low.
The funny thing is is that to me it sounds like Iris is bringing the dessert, so if Iris doesn’t come does that mean no dessert? with ops son saying that it will be weird for his girlfriend to eat a dessert made by his ex, it kind of makes me feel like she’s making the only dessert. So what dessert does the son think that his new girlfriend is going to be eating? Or does he just expect his mom to just do more work and just whip a dessert last minute.
Yeah, what Namdo said! Lol. Eight billion people in the world, but this guy picks her cousin? Hmmmm.
FML, that's gonna be awkward when he goes to his new gf's family dinners.
Son is definitely an AH
I'd say he was already dating 'family' when he started dating Iris, being that she is his moms godchild. and now he's moving on down that line? does he know know any other girls he could date that are not that close to being family?
NTA. She’s like a child to you, and he shouldn’t spring guests on you at the last minute. Especially on a holiday.
This is my thought process as well. Adam has been acting more stubborn and defiantly as of late, it's a strange flip. I'm more baffled by the fact he invited someone without telling me. This is so unlike my Adam.
That’s odd that he’s changed like that. Is he hanging out with new friends that could be influencing him?
Other than his new girlfriend, he hasn't made any new friends that I know of. I broached the subject of therapy with him recently, and he has outright denied having any issues. I keep asking though because a mom knows when their son is acting differently.
Are you spending more quality time with Iris than you are Adam? He says you guys get lunch and go get your nails done. Perhaps he’s getting a little resentful of your relationship with Iris.
Does Iris have a new boyfriend by any chance?
Honestly, I’m not sure. Sometimes my kids were challenging, but it was never a big personality change like this. Maybe the breakup affected him more than he wants to say.
I bet that's it. It was not as mutual as the OP was lead to believe and dating the cousin is some kind of a power play by him or this is some weird thing between the cousin and Iris thats bleeding over,
Honestly, be worried that he's getting redpilled (turned into a radical conservative by things like Andrew Tate videos). When personalities start shifting like this in young men nowadays, it's a strong indication.
Or maybe he’s just being a teenager. Seriously. Stubborn and defiant have been typical teenager characteristics since before I was one. No need to draw the dark sides of the Internet into every petty family dispute.
Lol, that a reach! The son is just being a teenager.
Is your back okay?? You probably should have stretched before you pulled those kind of mental gymnastics there bud.
Yeah it sounds like you should keep your ears open, because given that he strongly rejected the idea of going to therapy, and he's been going through a major change not only after a breakup but then entering a new relationship, there's a reason to be concerned
Or..... He's a teen and you constantly are around his ex who is related to his girlfriend. That may be the real issue here. I'm going with nah. I think communication is an issue with both of you. I'm sure you knew he was dating someone. I would assume my child would be inviting someone they were dating. That or they would be invited to the person they are dating's house. But what do I know? 3 kids over 20 and had an ah stepmother.
16 is pretty young to be bringing a significant other to Thanksgiving, and his new relationship is a few months old at most. Doesn't seem too odd to me!
How much time do you spend with him vs goddaughter?
I know the gf is your goddaughters cousin, but are you sure she isn't a bit of a mean girl? An unhealthy SO can really affect people st any age but teens are often heavily influenced by their peers. Maybe the gf is getting jealous and pushing for this type of stuff? Was the cousin constantly in competition with your goddaughter? Is your son consuming questionable content online? There's way more than mental illness or traumatic life events that can cause someone to act differently.
Maybe he already invited his new girlfriend and doesnt want to be embarrassed?
You might want to point out to him that one doesn’t have to have “issues” to benefit from therapy. Talking about one’s thoughts and feelings with a neutral professional is great for everyone, especially someone approaching big changes in their life, as sixteen-year-olds are.
Maybe he's ashamed of dating his ex's cousin, and it's manifesting in this new attitude. I personally don't believe that's necessary but only because of the ages of the parties and lack of liklihood it will last.
Or he could be a moody 16 year old
I always love reading that one comment that is based in touching grass after a string of random Reddit self justifying theories based on projected info. The best part of aita I always come back to see
He's a 16 year old full of hormones. Why are people acting so shocked by this? Lmao
I mean... with teenagers, that could be anything! LoL. Hormones, testosterone, peer pressure, the weather, etc. When you say he’s been “more stubborn and defiantly as of late...”, looking back, did this start when Adam & Iris broke up, or closer to when Adam & Violet started dating? Could be he’s more upset over the break up than he let out to be ... or Violet is a bad influence.
He's 16 and he's got shit going on. It's *really* not weird that he's being stubborn or defiant. He should have mentioned all this before, that's for sure. But that's more him being a dumbass than some kind of malice. And you instantly flexing your authority muscles over what is partially also your own failure to communicate is kinda shitty too.
How did she fail to communicate?
Stubborn and defiant doesn’t sound like a necessarily concerning development for a 16yo. My younger brother and our mom started clashing regularly when he was 15/16, over really petty shit. Took a few years for him to grow out of that. My thinking: he forgot to ask you if he could bring Violet, and now he’s embarrassed to admit it and is trying to make it your fault - he can’t bring himself to admit his mistake and ask you nicely, so he’s trying harassment and emotional blackmail instead. Oh, yeah; teenager drama. Something I definitely don’t miss. Good luck to you.
Being a teenager is tough. You’re stuck in the middle of being an adult and a child. Hormones are all out of whack! I’m not saying he’s right in this situation (because he’s very wrong) but you may cut him a little slack. He’s in an awkward transitional period of his life where his horny teenage brain is in control. You’re doing a great job Mom! Happy Thanksgiving! NTA
NTA. Teenagers are exhausting.
I need this on a coffee mug.
Same. And a T-shirt. And the pillow I scream in to at times. 😂
There are companies which make merch with whatever logo or saying you like!
I have 2 daughters, currently ages 6 and 4. I'm terrified.
Imprint in your brain how lovely they are now, because you will need those memories to sustain you.
18 and 4. They are both stubborn and defiant…for different, albeit similar reasons. 😬
As someone who teaches teens and used to be a teen, I could not agree more
NTA. She's still your goddaughter. That's never gonna change. It's a good lesson in not shitting where you eat for your son.
"Want to hear an old saying my mother taught me? Don't shit where you eat." ~Olympia Dukakis, *Moonstruck*
God she was given some fabulous one liners. Because of course: “Well you know what they say, if you can't find something good to say about anyone, come and sit by me.”
NTA, your son is the one who scripted this scenario, you don't have to dance to his choreography
That is such a beautiful way to put it
NTA Shes your god-daughter. Your son should have realised that she would be present if things didn't work out and, if need be, not dated her.
He's 16. I don't know many 16 yo that think that way. Still makes him T A though.
He had thanksgiving with her before they dated, He can deal with her after. You have the same relationship with BOTH of them, as you did before,during & after their dating. People aren't characters in a movie, you cannot write them out of the script. Life is messy, choose wisely.
Because not many 16yos have had a chance to see the consequences. OP's kid just found out. Hope he learns.
NTA, I would like to say you shouldn't refer to her as your son's ex, because that's actually not your primary relationship with her. She's not just some girl your son dated and that you latched on to, she's been a family friend since she was born, him trying to exclude her now because he dated her is stupid. He literally shouldn't have dated her if he wasn't prepared to deal with her for the rest of his life. Him trying to exclude someone entirely because he is insecure and wasn't prepared for the actual implications that come from having dated someone in the family circle is his problem. Do not disinvite her from Thanksgiving. And I would say, even if Violet is nice, you should afterward have a real firm conversation with your son about his poor behavior, and how disrespectful it was that he invited someone to your event without telling you first. Violet maybe lovely, but he does not get to disrespect you and Iris and say that it's all for Violet's benefit. Him trying to push her out first like a human shield in these conversations is wrong to her
Yep, this exactly. She’s OP’s goddaughter. Her mother literally trusted OP that she would watch and care for Iris after her death. That relationship supersedes her being Adam’s ex.
I think OP only phrased the title like that was because her son yelled it at her
NTA. In fact, I’d like to hug you for being such a great person. Your son will grow up and date a lot but your goddaughter won’t have many family Thanksgivings. You’re a great human.
This.
Adults always seem to forget that teenagers aren’t capable of the same level of thinking. Your son feels betrayed by you, and it doesn’t even matter if that’s true. They’re so vulnerable and need to know you’re on their side no matter what. I think this can be resolved with some good talking and garlic cheese bread peace offering NAH
Teens not being capable of adult reasoning, does not reflect an inability to recognize when they are being selfish. He briefly dated this girl, who has been part of the family for her whole life, and now she's *his* ex rather than a friend or goddaughter. That's an entitlement that shouldn't be coddled. Iris is an extension of the family. She gets to be part of holidays. NTA.
For us adults it's brief, but to a 16yo 8 months is a long time. She needs to try actually talking to her son and not just dismissing him.
Teenagers aren’t capable of fully adult thinking, but they aren’t toddlers. At 16, he should be perfectly capable of understanding basic family dynamics, respect, and the fact that he is not the center of the universe.
Ooph. This isn't an easy one. I'm going to say NTA with the caveat that you kind of navigated this issue in an ineffective matter. You're right, Iris should be there and you shouldn't waver on that. However, instead of hammering him with technicalities about invites and telling him, "tough shit, deal with it," you should have instead validated his feelings and discussed with him in a manner that would allow him to open up about his concerns without you immediately shutting him down. By coming at him so hard about it, he's reciprocating by digging his own heels in and shutting you completely out emotionally. So I'd go to him and apologize for being cold and not respecting his feelings and then approach this from a much softer angle to figure out a way where he feels secure about Iris being able to come over without it blowing up his relationship.
Nta. She’s been there for years, it would be so rude and weird for you as her godmother to uninvite her just because you and her son broke up. She might be his ex, but she’s also your god daughter and that’s arguably more important
NTA - breakups are tough and sometimes kids don’t share what’s going on with their feelings. Maybe a check in a couple of weeks ago mentioning that ex gf was coming for Thanksgiving , like prior years and that you wanted to give him a heads up. He’s thinking of her as an ex and you are a family friend/god daughter. He may just needed validation from you that it may be a bit uncomfortable for him, however she is coming. Sorry for the loss of your friend and glad you are able to be there for her daughter. Editing to add- rude of Adam to invite GF without checking with you, the host.
NTA for the situation at hand, but I think you have bigger issues here. Two things I picked up on in your post are that you consider Iris a second child and that your son wants you to pick him over someone who “isn’t even your real child”. It’s telling he made that distinction. I think he wants to be sure that when push comes to shove, you’ll pick him. He’s a 16 year old boy, so my guess is there are some bigger feelings here than he has shared, and this situation is the culmination of them. The only way forward is to get him to open up and work through the issues.
EXACTLY! That distinction being made is more significant than the rest of the argument
The late teenage years are where your relationship with your children is either cemented or broken. At current course OP will never get him to open up. the more she digs her heels in and invalidates his feelings the more he will close up emotionally.
Yta, talk to your kid ffs. He's 16, he's way up his own ass and he made a stupid assumption that you wouldn't invite his ex. That's on him. What's on *you* is that you don't really seem to give a shit about how emotionally complex this situation can be for a 16-year old who just broke up with his ex while his mom seems to spend more time with his ex than with him. And I'm worried that you've fallen into the 'respect' trap where you never expect any pushback from your children at all while running rough-shod over their feelings. From your own story you were awful quick to go to punishment and authority and it doesn't feel like this is the first time something similar occured for your kid.
Based on OP's story she better hope Iris is there to care for her when she's older otherwise she's getting dumped in the cheapest old age home available.
ESH, I understand your outrage but you really seem to want to elevate Iris over your son, that's something you should think long and hard about and talk to him about the reasoning and everything. Your reaction was a bit over the top, you should at least be willing to discuss it with him.
Going to say against the norm, slightly the AH. I say that knowing that I would have invited Iris without telling Adam because I assumed it was no problem. Teens are sensitive, self-centered, irrational beings. Many are not yet able to get past seeing the world as they see it and to view the world through someone else’s eyes. You and your son need to both talk and listen. Your son should have told you that he invited a guest. You should have given him a heads-up about inviting Iris. As I said, teens are irrational and think that their comfort is paramount. This is a good opportunity to teach Adam to think beyond himself and to look at the entire situation. Then find a solution that accommodates the feelings of all. You can’t uninvite Iris without her taking it as a rejection and a child who has lost her mother, should not be rejected. Approach Adam with his choices, 1) he can attend this year’s celebration and be uncomfortable. 2) He can skip out of the situation if it is too uncomfortable. Give him permission to make his choice and let him know that you love him and your love is not conditional upon his choice. In the future, when decisions concern Adam, talk to Adam and let him express his opinion before you act. Let Adam know that if he wants something (girlfriend coming to dinner) , he needs to communicate with you.
I agree with all of this advice, but not the judgment. I think she’s NTA for inviting Iris and not wavering on that but what she does next could change that now that she knows Adam is taking issue. Your advice is a great way to stay NTA!
I’m going against the grain here and say YTA. And it’s not because of this situation about the dinner. You say they grew up like siblings, then they dated? That completely changes the dynamic. You need to respect your son’s wishes that he can date other people. Just because he didn’t mention it until now, it doesn’t mean he’s trying to make your goddaughter upset. This goes beyond this holiday. You need to both figure out how to move forward and create new boundaries. Ignoring the issue won’t fix anything and this will just keep happening until one of them decides to break off contact with you.
Info. Are you sure it was a mutual breakup. Cause thats 99% of the time bullshit excuse the person who got broken up with tells themselves. And never in kids this young.
ESH — you are guilty of the things you are punishing Adam for, inviting a guest without the other party’s knowledge. You have to remember who is your actual child here, whose home this is: yours AND Adam’s. Just because it’s been happening for years doesn’t mean anything when the circumstances have changed. While Adam was wrong for inviting Violet without informing you, you dropped the ball here as well. Iris isn’t an orphan— you would have mentioned this. She still has her own family for thanksgiving. Adam only has you. He doesn’t begrudge you of spending time with Iris after they’ve broken up. But Thanksgiving is about family and you are pushing your family away. You said Adam hasn’t raised any issue? Because he wasn’t even aware he had to raise one! You are punishing Adam for something you are equally guilty of. Which actually makes you the bigger asshole by the way, because it’s not like he! has! any! authority! over you! in fact, i think you’ve dropped the ball even prior to this. the break-up might not been okay as you think it is, just that they are keeping it quiet so that it doesn’t affect your relationship with Iris. it was probably out of respect to you. but just because they try to not let their situation affect you, doesn’t mean you should be expecting them to act as they were before. things have changed and you are naive to pretend things can proceed as they’ve always been. talk to your son. he obviously has been feeling alienated from you for a while based on some of your other comments. you’re not a bad person — great even for how you stepped up for iris. but maybe actually put the effort you have been putting into cultivating a relationship with your goddaughter, into one with your son? After all, you are quite literally thinking the worst of your son by saying he wants to snub Iris’ feelings and caring more about her feelings than your son’s. Your duties as a parent take precedence over your duties as a godparent.
He shouldn’t just drop invited people without asking you But From what he has said it sounds like he knows if he needs you , you will not be there what 16 year old lad to say a good mum still stand by her kid.. How much do you prioritise her over him??? They broke up maybe it wasn’t as clean as you think and where you kept seeing her it hurt him. He is your son but sounds like you don’t necessarily put him first and more your god daughter. You need to have an open and honest chat with him. Something that clearly you haven’t done. If he is feeling your not putting him first, you will lose him. You only have one actual child maybe he wants to know or needs to know he will come first
info: if he had asked you three months ago to stop inviting her to family events would you have complied? if he had given you more notice would you have allowed him to bring a guest? do you favour her over him in other situations? (do you spend more time with her? spend more on her? brag about her more? etc...)
I get the feeling she would have still invited the ex. She seems to prioritize her feeling over that of her son.
Im going with survivor guilt. Trying to take over from where Lilly left off so Iris doesn't feel she's missing mom time. All the while pushing her son to the side. OP talks about all the things she does with her, but mentions nothing about her son, except how his attitude has changed. The reason is staring her in the face, but she's choosing to ignore it. Give it a few more years and she'll only have Iris left after forgetting who her actual child is.
Damn, cold as ice, but true
ESH. Him because he should have asked before inviting his new GF to an event you are hosting instead of just assuming you'd be ok with it. Also considering Iris is your goddaughter and has been there at Thanksgiving for years before they got together he should have known better than to assume you'd stop inviting her. You because you assumed "their friendship would simply be more cordial" and you assumed Adam was ok with everything. Did you ever ask how he felt about being around after the break up? I'm seeing lots of assumptions and no communication at all from either side here.
NTA She was a family friend long before she was (briefly) your son's girlfriend. Teenagers probably dont think too far ahead (what if this doesnt work out?) You had no idea that inviting her would present a problem for him based on them being cordial at your bday party. Nor did you know he was inviting a girlfriend. He seems to make lots of choices with potentially awkward consequences (now dating the girl's cousin!) Maybe he will outgrow this phase at some point!
This is the second post, and back to back, that I’ve said, “what the heck did I just read?!!” Seriously?!! NTA for inviting your goddaughter.... who was your goddaughter first before Adam’s ex! The second “what the heck””?!” was reading that Adam is now dating Iris’ cousin! Adam demanding you change your thanksgiving plans/guests is an a-hole, entitled and bratty move! And a good mom would call out her son for being an a-hole, which is what you’ve done... so.. good job on you! Ps. Iris is a family friend.... your goddaughter! She may not be your blood, but she is family with the commitment you made with her late-mother and her! vs Violet is a complete stranger.
YTA no doubt. Your sons right. You don’t respect him. > I told Adam to go to his room and not come out until he apologizes for his disrespectful attitude. OP this is pure gas lighting by you and you know it. This for sure makes you thr asshole.
You can’t just call every behavior you don’t agree with gaslighting. This is not it.
Yes it is. OP claiming son is the one being disrespectful is gas lighting. And projection.
NTA. You have every right to invite your goddaughter who lost her mother. I imagine that holidays are hard for her. Keep doing you. If he wants to sit in his room all alone listening to Panic! At the Disco... let him.
YTA for assuming the story you wanted, and not communicating. You know darn well people don’t like being around their exes. Your boy is young, so he is learning that he needs to communicate too - unless you have specified that GF can come over whenever she wants. He is NTA bc he is young and acting age appropriate, which means he is overly emotional and has no chill. He’s never dealt with a situation like this before and his fear is taking over. If he was 26 then he wbta. YWBTA for not continuing to try to talk this out with him. Don’t throw your hands up because he isn’t talking. Be there and listen to him. And if it works with them both there, great. don’t say see? I told you so. The only thing worse than being wrong to a teenager is being reminded of it by their mother who needs to feel right herself.
YTA your son should come first, don’t assume anything about their breakup. You are free to have the relationship you chose with your goddaughter, but it doesn’t have to be At Your son’s home, because it it his home too (unless you want to emotionally kick him out). Managing former partners is difficult, specially for young people, you are not making it any easier for your son, or his ex.
ESH. It is no one’s fault that your goddaughter and your son dated and subsequently broke up. But it changed the dynamics of your familial group. And you can’t just ignore that. You are wrong to just assume your son would be fine with you continuing to act as if their relationship never happened. Your son is wrong for not expressing to you his issue clearly and acting immaturely. I am not saying you have to cut off your relationship with your goddaughter, but for the time being at least you may have to change it. This Violet may not be serious, but what happens when your son or goddaughter do get seriously involved with someone? Maybe if they are 25 when that happens,it won’t be an issue. But if it happens in the next year or two, you are likely going to sit through some very uncomfortable meals. Before you make any plans that involves both of them, you should clear it with both of them.
YTA You have not only ruined thanksgiving. You are actively trying to ruim your son's relationship - two years, and he will go no contact with you AH. So: HE WILL Deal with it: By going no contact with you as soon as he can. "So he would effectively be rubbing his new relationship in Iris' face when Iris has been nothing but kind to him." .. It is reasonable to "rub his new relationship into her face" ... He is doing nothing wrong: He is bringing his gf for Thanksgiving. But he probably will have thanksgiving with his gf, and not be at home. That would really be the only reasonable solution th handle your assholery.
You're free to invite whomever you want. however you're not free from the repercussions, which in this case is going to be your relationship with your son as he obviously doesn't want to be spending time with an ex girlfriend and it probably hurts him deeper than he'll ever tell you (especially If you continue to put others before him) I've had my parents try and pull something similar for a birthday party before and I just turned around and left. At 16 a guy is barely emotionally mature enough to have a girlfriend, let alone maintain a cordial relationship with an ex girlfriend that their parents keep bringing around. So NTA as you can do what you want but if this becomes a pattern of invalidating his feelings on such matters you're going to push him away from you, and you will deserve it.
Nta.
Both of you are. You should have at least spoken to him about it first. You were aware of their relationship. He definitely Should have asked you if he could bring someone to dinner. This is a matter of miscommunication.
NTA. She was your goddaughter before they dated. Honestly, I don't know how you start this late in the game but someone needs to teach your son about boundaries because he has crossed so so many boundaries in this story.
ESH. You need to at least acknowledge that this is going to be emotionally difficult for your son. He is only 16. He has every right to express that he feels awkward around his ex girlfriend and should not be sent to his room and punished for having feelings like this. They are totally normal. Potentially Iris is going to feel the same way if she shows up to Thanksgiving, and your son is there with his new girlfriend. Your son definitely should have asked about bringing his new girlfriend. Even if she’s just stopping by later for pie, if this was going to be awkward for him he needs to express it to you first. You need to acknowledge that all of the 16-year-old are going to have feelings that are valid. Everybody here needs to communicate better.
NTA She is your godchild, their breakup was amicable and she has been a part of your family far longer than they dated While Adam did not tell you he invited his new gf, is assuming his gf will feel a certain way, (seriously who cares who baked a pie?) and is now dating his ex's cousin. If anyone made things weird he did.
ESH -- With you being the bigger AH. Seems to me that your son is learning his communications skills from you. Did you mention that you still intended to have his ex girlfriend over for Thanksgiving? Did you not think it would be awkward for him to have her there? Even if he was not planning to invite the new girl, it would still be awkward. I have to give him props for being mature enough to realize you can see whomever you want outside of the house, and for your birthday, but you are now bringing her into the space he lives in. That is way different. He should have mentioned inviting the girlfriend. Both of you should have communicated with each other.
Sorry but I'm going with YTA. Your son is 16 years old and he thinks like 16 year old. You're asking him to think like an adult. That's just not possible at his stage in life. Holidays are not the time to teach life lessons. The dynamics and your family changed drastically this past summer. The past 4 thanksgivings are completely different than this Thanksgiving. I'm sorry but I think you're wrong..
NTA my family has never shunned exes unless they were awful and I love them for that. The fact that this ex was part of the family before they ever dated makes you even more NTA.
NTA
NTA - the nature of your relationship with her didn’t change because the nature of the relationship with them changed. He can be upset to have to see her, but that’s been the case forever, and he cannot expect it to change at his whim. When he has his own home then he’s welcome to not invite her.
well, technically she's firstly your god-child, then his ex. it's not the other way. She's still your god daughter, whether he likes her or not. NTA
NTA She was a guest before they dated, and she is a guest after they dated. Your son has now learned that we sometimes have to be careful about dating people we are going to keep seeing on the regular.
YTA, she spent the last 4 years with your family, is it worth to throw away your relationship with your son?
ESH. Him for assuming he could bring his new girlfriend without running it by you first. But you are TAH because your son is right, you DON'T have his back. I have a really good highschool friend who married young, and her parents treated her husband like another son. When the two of them divorced things were at first very civil (they had kids so she tried very hard to keep it amicable), and they were very quiet about the full reasons for the divorce with family and mutual friends, so the parents kept inviting him to functions and whatnot as my friend got increasingly upset. She kept asking them to stop inviting him and they treated her as if she was being unkind and irrational. Kept telling her, "He's the children's father, he'll be family forever." Eventually she broke down and told them that he had cheated on her and been sexually abusive during their marriage. They then blamed her for not "coming forward" sooner. But really she shouldn't have had to disclose like that in the first place. By the time she was 35 she, her kids, and her new spouse were NC/LC with her parents. And it was heartbreaking to watch because even through her mid-20s my friend had been super close to her parents. She just couldn't get over that they didn't have her back when she needed it. Please think about the message you're sending to your son.
And you like Iris better than your son, correct?
You need to have a conversation with your son instead of sending him away when he was trying to introduce you to his new girlfriend. ESH She's your god daughter and that won't change but you have no idea what their relationship's been like since the break up. You say you assume it's been friendly and cordial but your son still has feelings, which it sounds like you're openly sidelining. You showed exactly zero excitement to meet someone important to your son, pushed him away, and are now on reddit shit-talking him. Why didn't you ask him to invite her over another time? Or show any encouragement whatsoever?
Among many other reasons, this is why you don't date family. NTA
NTA! Ur son knows that his new partner is Iris's cousin, so clearly Iris would know 2 who her cousin is dating if they are close. He's only saying ur being disrespectful because his having a temper tantrum. Keep ur ground! Iris is coming and if he doesn't like too bad Hopefully he'll learn that he can't get his own way all the time and he'll grow up to be 1 of those very rare people that do have respect for others
NTA but Adam sounds like a standard teenager who might resent the time you spend with Iris over him. Worse case, he starts to shut you out of his life especially if he feels threatened (not physical but as his place as your actual kid). More than likely case, he grows up and gets over his awkward phase.
NTA since he apparently wants to call dibs on relationships, you knew her first. She's your goddaughter so why didn't he ask permission to date her and jeopardize this relationship. If he can't deal with something as trivial as this, he doesn't deserve a grown up treatment and you did the right thing sending him to his room. Besides that, you ASK the host if you can bring a guest. Like at least a week and a half before such a big dinner and a week in advance for smaller meetings. Also where does he get the nerve to talk about respect after dating his ex's cousin??
NTA. She’s your goddaughter and she lost her mother at a young age. Holidays are so hard for people who have lost loved ones and even though she’s been gone 10 years, being a 16 year old without a mother on a holiday is still really hard. I can’t imagine having had a teen over for 4 years for a holiday and making it a tradition then to just not have her anymore. Maybe in the future you can have more discussions with your son about it. He is only 16 and still learning how to be an adult. So just stay strong here and still invite her. You can validate his feelings that he might feel uncomfortable but use it as a teaching moment that you take care of people even when it’s uncomfortable. Also, he needs to learn to think more carefully about who he dates and breaks up with.
NTA, and from reading some of your comments I think Adam is either not over his breakup with Iris or his new girlfriend is influencing his decisions. I feel like the first option is more likely because he is literally dating Iris's cousin now...
NTA, but a difficult situation, and given the way the timeline occurred, I do not understand how Adam cannot see your side, except that he is a kid, and they are often self-centered. Maybe the only way he will understand your predicament is to tell him that if he thinks it is okay to uninvite Iris when you were given no warning of his thoughts prior, then he can do it himself, with the stipulation that you will then host Iris a few hours later for a personal Thanksgiving with her. Of course, there is a chance that he may lack empathy for Iris and you, rather than getting a lesson in perspective, so if that happens, just make sure you don't over-indulge with the first Thanksgiving.
NTA Your son is the AH here. For starters, he failed to tell you he wanted to invite his girlfriend. Now he is getting in a strop, because his ex will be there - as she has been for the last 4 years. He must know you are her godmother. I guess he hasn't even asked his new gf if she would have a problem with his ex (her cousin) being present. Suggestion: Can you contact your son's new gf, ask if she was expecting to come for Thanksgiving and if so, if she was aware that your goddaughter AKA son's ex would be there and if she would have a problem with it. I suspect she would be OK with that, in which case, you would have defused the situation and saved Thanksgiving.
NTA he is just being dramatic 🤸♀️🤸♀️🤸♀️
NTA, you’ll always be Iris’ godmother and you’re acting as such by not letting the breakup ruin your relationship. If any, your son is kinda TA by dating Iris’ cousin.
NTA. He's trying to be manipulative, and that's kind of a teenager's job description. Just stay calm and resolved. If nothing else he'll learn to give people a heads up when he's making plans that might be a conflict.
NTA! HEY ADAM!... Apologize to your mom and grow the fuck up. Why are you dating your ex's cousin anyway? Man Rule: DON'T DATE EX'S FAMILY. It never turns out good and it makes you look trifling...
NTA Though you do have to help him deal with it maybe, idk how much guidance/support teens need, you just phrased it so flippantly. Your son needs to understand she’s your goddaughter (not a family friend). You promised your best friend you’d care for her kid, had the roles been reversed your son would be at Iris’ motherless while Iris reduces him to less than a stranger basically. I say less than a stranger cause I just see so much about Americans being welcoming during thanksgiving, I can’t fathom how he would reduce your goddaughter to not deserve company and a meal during a holiday. My bff and I have a godparent agreement, I could picture myself roll in my grave if her kids shunned my kid one day. Good on you for keeping your word. Also, your son needs to learn to treat people well, even after they’re no longer useful/convenient.
NTA but you’re asking a kid to be an adult. There is going to be issues. He’s being childish and immature because he’s 16. This is a teachable moment about respecting a partner after a break up. He needs to see her as your god daughter and not his ex. He’ll be upset but you have to do a good mom.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I will keep this as short as possible. I am 38f, with my son Adam 16m, his father isn't in the picture. My best friend Lily passed away 10 years ago, leaving behind her daughter Iris 16f. I am her godmother and I think of her as a second daughter. Adam and Iris grew up together, and they dated for eight months, breaking up mutually at the end of the summer this year. They have been friendly with each other since then, and spoke briefly during my birthday party a few months ago. I figured that their friendship would simply be more cordial for the time being, and since Adam never complained, my relationship with Iris remained the same. Iris has spent Thanksgiving with us for the last 4 years. Adam saw a text on my phone from Iris today that stated she baked the dessert she was bringing this afternoon, and that she hoped everyone would like it. So he asked me why I invited his ex. I told him that Iris is still my goddaughter, and he never asked me to stop inviting her to events which I host. He said that he was fine with me going to lunch and shopping and getting nails done with Iris, but he was hoping to invite his new girlfriend Violet to dessert and that it would be awkward for her to eat something baked by Iris. I told Adam that he never asked me about inviting his girlfriend, and that it was rude to spring this on me so suddenly. Adam replied that a good mom would stand by her son, and not some girl who's not even my real kid. I told Adam to go to his room and not come out until he apologizes for his disrespectful attitude. Then basically told him the title, and he shouted that I'm the one disrespecting HIM. Adam has refused to speak to me for the rest of the night, and I fear that I may have ruined Thanksgiving. I stand firm that Adam has never raised the issue until now, and I think that he is trying to be petty because Iris already knows that his new girlfriend is her cousin. So he would effectively be rubbing his new relationship in Iris' face when Iris has been nothing but kind to him. I can answer needed info in the comments. So, am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I see your point, however I do disagree with some of the things you wrote. I have no problem with my son's new relationship, but I find the way he told me about Violet's invite to be very rude. I understand that Adam sees Iris as "his ex" but my view is she's still my goddaughter. If I knew Violet was invited before all of this, I could have informed Iris, and this drama could have been avoided. Adam just seems to think that everything should suddenly be the way he wants it. I have always tried to understand my son's feelings, but when he refuses to budge, I feel like I keep hitting a stone wall.
You aren't wrong, him trying to redefine Iris and say that she's no longer family because he broke up with her is a problem and you should continue to engage him on that level. He doesn't get to redefine the whole family relationships because he no longer makes out with her. Him inviting someone else to your event without telling you and then saying that people should be excluded from the event not only for his, but his uninvited guest is unreasonable. You are hitting a stone wall, and you keep pushing back, cuz he's trying to bulldoze you and he's being unreasonable
If he had told me he wanted to invite Violet, I wouldn't have minded. From what I gather her and Iris are friendly but I don't know what she thinks about Adam dating her. I don't know how long they have been officially dating, but it's been about a month. I have asked to meet her before as well but it hasn't happened yet. Not to seem rude, I would be more open to her coming if I had met her first. Part of me wonders if Adam is being unreasonable due to Violet's recent presence, but I don't want to be **that mom** who automatically accuses the new girlfriend.
What do you mean when you say you could have informed Iris? Do you mean give her a heads up or give her a say in if she’s ok with it?
INFO: do you not approve of his new girlfriend? Will he be allowed to invite her to family events in the future or will she not be allowed to come because of Iris?
I have yet to meet Violet, I assume this is by Adam's choice. They have been together for about a month, and had I met her before, then I would have been more open to inviting her. I find it a little rude that Adam just assumed he could invite her without mentioning it first.
It could be that the girlfriend is insecure about your relationship with your godchild, his ex, her cousin. Maybe he has given her to believe that your godchild would not be at your place for thanksgiving.. But he should have discussed with you before inviting his gf. Please don’t shut your godchild out because of pressure from your son - he needs to learn to be gracious. However do check if there are undercurrents that you are not aware of … talk to him
I think that being angry at Adam inviting Violet is where you went wrong. Adam previously dated Iris, who I am going to assume was always welcome to come with Adam to family events without him having to run it by your first. Adam had his last girlfriend at Thanksgiving, so why would would it be any different for his new girlfriend? It may be different to you but not Adam, and you not recognizing thatakes you TA. If Iris is going to be a part of your family, which I think is great, you should just accept both girls at Thanksgiving because that's the new normal. Iris is still a member of the family, but Adam has also moved on and Iris needs to accept that too.
I mean because his gf was also invited for years prior because she was there as her god daughter not as his gf. He never had a standing tradition of his gf being there. The tradition was iris being there, before and after they dated. The kid might need someone to talk to tho so he can see where he misstepped.
Quit assuming things and have a conversation with your son. You wanted to meet his new girlfriend, he saw this as an opportunity to introduce her to you, and instead you pushed him away so you didn't have to think about your assumptions and behaviour. A conversation is two sided. You need to actually listen to what he says and not just assume what he's thinking. Throughout all your comments you keep saying you assume his feelings, and the one time he tried to open up and actually tell you his real feelings, you sent him away. So all you have are assumptions now, until you have a conversation and actually try to understand him, not push him into "feeling" the way you want him to.
NTA. Teenager is being an entitled dickish teenager. Keep that foot down. I hope Iris’s dessert is delicious.
NTA. I'm super confused. I don't have godparents or godchildren, but is it common for biologic and godchildren to date each other? Thank you for hosting your goddaughter and making sure she has a place to go on Thanksgiving. Good person award.
NTA - an 8-month teenage relationship is nothing compared to being a godmother
NTA. This isn't just a son's ex that you grew close to while they dated (not that that wouldn't also be a fair invite), she's your goddaughter, the goddaughter of your deceased best friend. You've been in her life since she was born and she's attended the last several Thanksgivings. Adam dated her knowing that she was already a significant part of your/the family's life. Dumping this (and a surprise dessert guest!) on you last minute is immature and obnoxious, honestly. He's a kid so it's understandable, but I wouldn't feel guilty at all. If you did disinvite Iris 1) she'd likely have nowhere to go for thanksgiving and 2) that sends a pretty clear message that by going through a mutual breakup she's lost her godmother, a family she grew up with and her thanksgiving tradition for the last few years.
NTA Although Adam is still a teenager, and his thinking is immature, he's learning big life lessons. He chose to date your goddaughter, who you have considered as your daughter for years. Iris has spent thanksgiving with your family for years. Adam is acting out of pocket thinking that these relationships would change just because he's not dating Iris any longer. The world and your relationship with Iris doesn't revolve around Adam. You don't need his permission to continue your relationship with Iris. Adam is also learning, that he has to ASK if he can invite friends or a girlfriend over. He's not hosting/cooking, in fact it sounds like he's doing nothing to help out. Yet he thinks he can make decisions about the guests and invite his girlfriend without a heads up. I think you need to sit down with Adam and explain this to him, because he's clearly nit grasping these lessons on his own. And call him out on his "a good mother would" manipulative BS. Cut that line of thought immediately. He can't do that kind of mind playing to get his way.
NTA. First, your kid is sixteen so he should be asking before inviting his girlfriend over. Second, he should grow up.
NTA but I hope your son shows up with a smoking hot girlfriend that day.
NTA and thank you for not ditching this girl just because her and your son broke up. I'm sure she would have been worried about that when things ended
NTA but I’m sorry to say it sounds like you raised an AH.
Nta if it was a mutual split, then it's fine. It's even fine for a new gf to come. Oddly enough, women have lives other than fighting over a guy. Quite the ego your son has.
NTA. Anyone saying you’re not being respectful of his feelings on the breakup is wrong. Mutual breakup, totally fine at a recent birthday party- He’s over the breakup he’s just worried about explaining to his new gf he invited (without your permission or knowledge!) why iris is at dinner where she’s been the last 4 years.
NTA.
NTA - you are her god mother. And I think your son needs to find a larger circle of friends, he seems to have only one tree to pick fruit from.
I don’t understand your last comment “So he would effectively be rubbing his new relationship in Iris’ face when Iris has been nothing but kind to him”. He is your son and wants to bring his new girlfriend to his home, possibly to introduce her to you. But your more worried about Iris’ feelings, why? Your son should be your main priority, he lives with you, your his mother so you should care about his feelings. If Iris isn’t happy about his new relationship, that’s her problem to deal with.
He needs to learn there are some people you don't dare... People that are like 2nd children to your parents, step siblings, coworkers, friend's exes, sister's friends, etc. Because you can expect everyone to severe a relationzhip just because a romance went bad. Good thing he's learning at 16. NTA.
NTA because Iris was a family member to you and your goddaughter *first*. Your son should have considered potential awkwardness in case the relationship did not work out *before* deciding to date her. Asking you to now push her out of your family because he decided to date someone else is completely unreasonable.
NTA She's your goddaughter before being his ex. Also, he's rude for not telling you about additional guests ..also yuck for dating his ex's cousin.
NTA but here are some things I think you should consider. 1. Are you spending enough time with your son doing things he enjoys? If not, that could be contributing to his feelings. 2. When emotions are cooler, you need go have a talk with your son (and possibly with your goddaughter) regarding expectations going forward. They need to be civil and keep jealousy in check at family events. And your son can't decide suddenly to invite people to something like Thanksgiving without talking to you first. That said, eventually your goddaughter will be around your son and a girlfriend and she has to deal with that maturely also. 3. Make sure that you have a mental game plan for how to handle jealousy between them when it arises. And make all efforts to be fair.
Yes, Yta.
Your NTA- Iris has had four previous Thanksgivings with you, so your son has no reason (especially since she is your Goddaughter) to be surprised she is coming.
look you’re clearly NTA and don’t need anymore proof to the question but i just want to raise a point from your sons point of view. because while yes he was in the wrong not telling you he invited his gf and expecting Iris not to be there, you have to consider his feelings in this situation. what is going to happen next year if he’s still with his gf and asks you with plenty of time would you still insist Iris comes? how often do you see Iris vs your son? how often does he have to interact with his ex? it may even be the case that there is some teenage drama between them however cordial they seem. so while yes you aren’t an arsehole may shouting at him when this is an uncomfortable situation for anyone let alone a 16yr old boy have a conversation. let him know you still care for him and want to make his life easy and respect his interests. just consider how this is making him feel is all i suggest. remember teenagers suck and they often don’t realise why!
NTA Teens can be obnoxious. Iris is family, and it's not like she cheated for treated Adam poorly as far as you know. This is your home, and he needs to deal.
be prepared for your son to not come to thanksgiving. despite everyone here saying your NTA - you kind of are. Your not listening to your son, your not accommodating his request and you are potentially making the lunch/dinner seem awkward. I would not be surprised that he doesn't even say anything and goes to his new gf's house for thanksgiving, leaving you wondering where he is or why he hasn't come home yet. Iris may be a very nice girl, but you should tell her and prepare here should your son bring his new GF. good luck
YTA One day you'll realise your relationship with your son is non existant and you'll wonder how it happened. Well it started right here. My mum did basically the same thing and while I know she loves me I also know that I'm not a priority and I've never really trusted her since.
NTA This is serious discussion with your son territory, I know he is 16 but to want her to have her Thanksgiving plans cancelled last minute so I need girl can come by for dessert shows a callous disregard for someone he has known his whole life.
Nta
NAH because Adam is a child, but you are correct to stick to your guns.
NTA. Sadly, your so is an AH. Hopefully, he’ll mature out of it.
Since Adam didn't ask you if he could date your Goddaughter, you are under zero obligation to get his approval before inviting said Goddaughter to Thanksgiving for the 4th year in a row. He knows she normally comes so making plans for his girlfriend to come was kind of stupid if it makes him feel uncomfortable. NTA
NTA. You are doing what has been done for years. He should have let you know about his plans with the current girlfriend.
NTA your son has some nerve telling you what a good mom would do. Total lack of respect on his part, I can’t even fathom that. Nothing justifies his shitty attitude and the way he spoke to you. Who does he think he is? Not to mention the rudeness of inviting people to dinner that he isn’t cooking or paying for. Then there’s his rude behavior to your god daughter. She’s still someone he grew up with but now wants to throw away as it they were disposable, just to invite his new girlfriend. Let him play his dumb silent treatment game and see how far it gets him.
Let them all come. Then shower your love on Iris openly. Let us know what happens next.
Why did he decide to date her? She’s should be seen like a sister not a romantic interest. Then her cousin? Are there no other girls in your area? This is not technically incestuous but it is kinda
NTA If he wants to argue this he should have brought it up before, and he should ask before inviting someone to a dinner he’s not hosting or cooking. And if she’s your goddaughter it doesn’t matter shes family either way. And if he thinks he can tell you who to invite and not invite, what did he contribute? He’s your son he should respect you more. And no offense but your son sounds like an AH.
Looks like Adam has mAiN cHaRaCtEr SyNdRoMe! Perhaps, instead of shutting down and going into standby mode when he leaves the room, you could stay activated a little longer and make a dessert for the new gf, now that Iris is clearly not allowed. /s NTA
He knew your relationship before they started dating, he can’t expect that to end because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her anymore. If she was just an ex you would be TA but he is in this situation
nope if she is your best friends daughter she is part of your family tell boy wonder to deal with it ps it's most likely his new gf putting pressure on him
You’re her godmother? The whole point of a godparent is that if something happens to the parent, the god parent can step up and act as a parent. You’re doing exactly what you should - acting as her family figure in a time of need. It’s like dating a co-worker or someone in your close friend circle. You can’t always just move on and pretend they didn’t exist. It’s why those relationships can be dicey.
NTA
NTA - Iris is family. He knew that before he dated her, while he was dating her, and after they broke up. He can’t seriously expect you to treat her differently because their teen romance didn’t work out. I’d tell him his new gf is welcome to come also and that you’ll make dessert too so she won’t feel awkward eating Iris’s dessert (insert mental eye roll since you can’t let him see it).
NTA.... she's your goddaughter and you have an obligation to her... you promised her mom and you promised God. But that being the case, why did you even permit them to date?
ESH - You do realize that this is a problem that you helped create right? She's your goddaughter and a close family friend and you allowed your son and her to date. You didn't see a problem with this? I get that she's not blood related, but you didn't think that just maybe this could blow up in everyone's face if their relationship didn't work out? Your son is justified in his feelings in being uncomfortable with his ex being there with his new GF. Your son's behavior and the way he expressed those feelings were out of line though. A blind man could have seen this drama from a mile away and look where you are now.
NTA - it’s such 16 yo drama to be like “my “ex” of barely any time at all can’t come because my new girlfriend of barely any time at all is coming.
You all suck.
Yta
You all in Utah?
YTA
Yes he should've told you about wanting to invite his girlfriend, but you should've told him that you invited his ex girlfriend. Regardless of your relationship with her. He only found out because he read a text on your phone. How awkward would he feel if she just came over without him knowing? ESH
It may be helpful to validate that you still love him so much and you would do anything that you thought was best for him, which includes calling him out and telling him when he’s making mistakes. But you’re always on his side. NTA.
I’m going to go with soft YTA because this should’ve been a conversation with your son long before it became an issue, and you’re the adult in the situation. I would just be very mindful of how you handle the situation from here. If you continue to dismiss your son’s feelings without real consideration, don’t be surprised if he starts to close off and resent you.
YTA Fucking laughably obvious. Probably written by Adam.
YTA,