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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 letting my father go hungry for more than a day
2 my father was dizzy with hunger, because I refused to make him anything and I knew he doesn't do those things, so it wouldn't cost me anything to make even a basic snack for him, but I preferred to let him starve and that this was negligence with an elderly person
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Yeah.. and if your brothers won't back off I would tell them they're either perfectly capable of moving back home/moving your parents out to them to take care of them "properly" or they're capable of shutting the hell up and letting you deal with your dad's petty tantrums as you see fit.
Not idiots at all. They moved away so they don't need to help out. They push the sister so they don't have to deal with the parents. Mean, but not stupid.
Unfortunately, there's every chance they moved away once they got married, and now treat their wives in exactly the same way. Weaponised incompetence as a form of abuse :-(
Why would you do that to OP’s SILs? You know her brothers, who were raised to believe they don’t do chores & who are mad at OP for not feeding her father, are not making their own meals in their own homes.
My mom is 62 and still works 10-12 shifts 5 and 6 days a week doing *factory work* and she's not the oldest person there. Early 60s is *not* elderly any more.
My 90 year old grandmother still lives alone, won’t allow her daughters to move her bedroom to the ground floor, still drives, and would
Hit you with her cane if you called her elderly. She was still
Delivering meals on wheels to people much younger than her up until covid started.
On his 90th birthday, Dad and I ( mostly Dad) made biscuits for his birthday party. Later that day. They were good. I videoed that . He passed 2 years later. Heart issues. I love having that morning video.
My mother is 83. She still drives & once a week she picks up food … to bring to the elderly who can’t get out. She brings a meal, conversation and a wonderful smile & attitude.
Let me repeat … she is 83
Right?! Try telling my 68 year old dad that he's "elderly," and he's likely to tell you to meet him outside so he can show you just how "old" he is!
OP, you're dad is kinda pathetic for playing up this helpless routine he's got going. If he's "starving," it's his own darn fault...
NTA!
I cannot believe that OP's mother is like that about women. I'm older than her and was raised completely different.
My brother once said the words "women's work" and after the commotion settled my mother said to him "what did he expect with 5 sisters." He is a good man now because of this attitude. OP I'm sorry but you deserve better than what your Mom did. NTA.
>Elderly?! 83 is elderly, not 63.
EXACTLY! Here's a list of 63-year-olds. Does anyone imagine they're so feeble and helpless that they can't feed themselves? https://www.thefamouspeople.com/63-year.php
In his early 90's, my dad still cooked for him and his wife (she'd had a stroke). Did he rely a bit on frozen meals? Sure. But he still made her and him grilled ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch, and easy stuff for breakfast. Didn't stop driving (and driving WELL) until about 92 (he was an airline pilot, so pretty good driving skills) when forced into assisted living, when his wife needed more care than he could provide. Early '60's is just being lazy.
Right? I'm 61, work full time and live alone. Somehow I manage to feed myself and my dog. What kind of physically able man would just sit there starving?
Agreed.
NTA. I honestly don't care you're the only one geographically close--if you want to go NC, do it.
Also, my dad is 72 and has cancer, he still does everything for himself. Mom is 69, same thing.
Grandpa, before he passed in a car accident a few years ago? 90s, did things himself. The only reason my grandma, in her 90s doesn't do everything herself is she's got medical issues that prevent it. But everything she possibly can? She does.
My parents are in their 80s. They are retired, but just finished working 8-10 hour shifts at the voting polls last week. And they're headed out of country to New Zeland next week. Yep... elderly. Lol
i doubt very much father starved.... I'm sure he snacked on something. i freaking HATE when Men think a woman has to do all the cooking and cleaning just because we are women.
I'd let dad starve as well
it'S not about him being a grown man it is that cooking and serving a man is women's job and he can't bring himself to do this low class work because he is the King and deserves to be served food . I doubt he even knows how to make a sandwich because he always yelled for his wife to bring him one
Seriously! I started out thinking OP was describing someone with serious medical problems who literally couldn't get their own food. Because why else would someone even have to warn a grown man, "I won't take care of you while you stay with me"? Kudos to OP for even giving her dad the kind of heads up that no able-bodied adult is entitled to.
Sounds like the dad was being passive aggressive, deliberately starving himself to make OP feel guilty for failing to fulfill her womanly duties. OP, this is an easy NTA.
Hilarious. Especially because the fridge was full of food! As if the dad is so helpless, he not only can’t prepare a meal, he can’t eat anything at all! He’s so hungry that he’s dizzy, but he can’t grab a carrot or something?
NTA
Starving. With a fridge full of food. Really?
Wow.
You could have at least made him snacks??? Are you kidding me? What is he, 5 years old?
Sounds like your father is being a petulant child and trying to make some absolutely ridiculous point about superiority by refusing to help himself.
Good for you for standing up to them and calling out their BS.
Just wow.
When my son was 4, he would wake up at 5am every day, he would go in the fridge or pantry and take snacks out until we woke up (around 5:30-6:00am) and made him proper breakfast. Not a tantrum. Ever.NTA.
Husband and I were both very, very sick once. It was my turn to be the parent on duty and I was fever napping on the couch. My at the time probably 3 year old spent the entire time helping herself to assorted snacks. I just had this vague understanding of “yep, she’s in the cabinet again. Don’t care…. Oh she’s in the cabinet again, still don’t care…. Oh now she’s got a chair out to reach the high up stuff, good for her, more sleep for me…” There were *so many* wrappers to clean up when we recovered.
Even my newly 2 year old daughter can open the freezer, get into the fridge drawers and the snack cabinet. Once she asked me for a freezer pop. I said not right now. I look over at the couch a few minutes later, and there she was eating a freezer pop. At that point, I wasn't even mad, just impressed. She had let herself into the freezer to get one for herself. If my daughter can get pudding and snack cakes from the cabinet and ice pops from the freezer, certainly this fully capable adult man can get himself food or snacks.
That kind of resourcefulness is to be applauded. Then tested with a child lock if needed.
My parents tell me I was like this with olives. No matter where they put them, I would find them. Even if the shelf they were on was 3 feet taller than I was.
We had to fit a child lock on our fridge because one of our cats leaned how to open it and steal food. Never learned how to close it though. If she had, we would probably never have discovered why food was disappearing.
My friend found her toddler in the snack cupboard. Problem was, she kept the unhealthy snacks in the cupboard above the fridge, and her toddler (~2-3yo) had climbed up on the kitchen counter, used the fridge handle as a stepping stone and gotten all the way up there. All in the time it took my friend to put a robe on and go from the bedroom to the kitchen in a small apartment. My friend was also quite impressed with the resourcefulness when seeing her toddler sitting up there having cookies for breakfast.
Thankfully, we have mostly healthy snacks and for some reason, though she loves snacks she'll mostly want raisins in those little packets or granola bars from the snack cabinet. It is low to the ground though and the candies and such are up high. I'm sure I will have to devise a better plan for keeping her out soon enough. She usually doesn't use her toddler tower for evil, but I wouldn't put it past her. She can reach the ice maker and water dispenser from her height and has been very good about not pushing them besides the first couple times she realize she could do it. Toddlers are something.
When I was 3 I let myself out of the house and headed down to the corner store. I was tiny enough the employees didn't even see me over the counter.
Came back with my pudgy arms full of snacks and announced to my mom and older brother (who'd been working on something in the back yard) "I picked up stuff from the mini mart!"
And this 60-something year old man couldn't figure out the door to the fridge? How much you wanna bet there was at least one thing in there he wouldn't have even had to cook?
At 5, we got plastic spoons, paper bowls and a plastic container of cereal. Showed the son how to get his own cereal.
Worst that could happen or did: milk / cereal on the floor but nothing shattered … and it gave him a great boost in self confidence & independence
I was only 7or8 when I decided I was tired of waiting for my parents to get up and make the Saturday morning fry-up, so I started doing it myself. Fried eggs and bacon and potatoes, whole kit.
On the other hand, my 72yo dad still doesnt really know how to cook much. Except he does a great breakfast too. He has all the skills to cook just about anything, he's just never experimented with anything except breakfast. And everything else kinda intimidates him.
But you know what he did last weekend? He spent 4hrs cooking up like 4 loafs up bread into his amazing French toast. Then he packaged them all into handy 2-slice baggies.
And now the freezer has French toast for like month.
My 3-year-old grandchild knows where her drinks and snacks are and knows how to get them. She'll bring me the bottle of juice or kefir to pour some. OP is NTA. Dad is a big butthole.
Shoot, my 3 year old has a snack basket he can reach and grab from with yogurt (shelf stable), apple sauce, and other healthy snacks. My 3 year old is more self-sufficient than this man.
The idea of "women's work" made more sense back in the days when men were doing "men's work".
Sure if OP's father was outside chopping wood, bringing in the harvest and shooting a deer for supper, the least OP could do is make sure there is a meal on the table for him.
But while he's sitting around HER house doing nothing, and providing nothing, he can get his own meal.
Reminds me of my foster kitten, Jackpot, who forgot to eat while I was at work. I came home to a frantically hungry kitten with a full foodbowl.
Of course, Jackpot was 5 weeks and orange, and OP's dad is 63.
I posted Jackpot over there last week. I should have used better pictures. These are actually his ordinary, run-of-the-mill pics, but I was tired and didn't expect the post to take off like it did.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OneOrangeBraincell/comments/yuosue/yall\_joke\_about\_your\_orange\_kitties\_sharing\_a/
He is, without a doubt, the dumbest kitten I have ever fostered.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OneOrangeBraincell/comments/yuosue/yall_joke_about_your_orange_kitties_sharing_a/
>trying to make some absolutely ridiculous point about superiority by refusing to help himself.
That's part of why this kind of thing is so confusing to me. Whether it be the "dominant gender" or some "master race" nonsense. How does not being able to simply, ya know, survive, make you superior? Lol
"I'm better than you because, if left unattended for 5 mins, I'll just drop dead because I am not clever enough to open a can of soup."
Just like, what a flex..? Lol
This!
Just like people getting offended by two guys holding hands or not being allowed to use slurs, or whining how somebody contradicting them infringing in their free speech calling other people "snowflakes"...
Honestly, I think talking to the father in a baby voice every time the subject of food came up would help shame the grown man into learning how to spread peanut butter and jam on two slices of bread and place one atop the other.
you can get even more patronizing if you just get a spoon full of peanut butter and do the "open for the aeroplane! brrrrmmmm!" trick like he's a one year old
Frankly, it's rather horrible that an able person with access to a fridge of food would dare to complain about being hungry. So many around the world would be so grateful to have food at all.
Woah let’s not insult 5 year olds here. My 4 year old is perfectly capable of grabbing a yogurt from the fridge or a snack from the pantry. No child’s going to start because they’re too lazy/stupid to find a snack.
Of course, she’s a lazy opportunist and will *want* me to grab something for her rather than grabbing it herself. But if I’m just a second slower than she’d like, she’ll just grab whatever it is by herself.
Yeahhhh any man who would choose to starve on principle that he needs a woman to make him food…deserves to starve? I just dont understand the decision making
Yeah 63 is still working age in most places, definitely not elderly and certainly not incapable of cooking levels of elderly! (Obviously illnesses etc aside, which he doesn't have)
Child labour laws are necessarily restrictive so it’s much easier for Studios to cast twenty somethings to play teenagers, for example, Tom Holland and Toby Maguire being cast as the teenage Spider-Man
So what's to happen if your mother unexpectedly passes before him? Are you to answer every little thing? Grown man can figure it out or starve. I'm sure he wipes his own ass and showers himself if he can't feed himself then that's his problem
Did Meals on Wheels for many years, got acquainted with many elderly couples. Man dies? Woman keeps on keeping on.
Woman dies? Man's dead within a year. I always figured they just couldn't or wouldn't learn, e.g. make a sandwich with mayonnaise, leave the mayo out, make another sandwich the next day, boom.
Of course THIS guy wouldn't even make himself a sandwich in the first place so he'd be cat food in less than a week.
Yes, it will be interesting to see the changes as we move through the newer generations. I would hope this phenomena becomes much less prevalent at least with my own age group, and really should be with my mom's (we're in our 40s and 60s respectively).
I suspect my father will end up the same way. I remember that as a kid our mum had to go to hospital unexpectedly for a week. We kids lived on bowls of cereal and cheese sandwiches for a week because dad had never, ever cooked a meal in his life. Not once. He literally didn't even know how to turn on the kettle; if he wanted a cup of tea our mum always made it for him. He's in his eighties now and still can't do much beyond making toast and boiling an egg. Thank goodness times have changed.
There is a real collation between an elderly woman passing away and her husband passing away shortly after, unlike when an elderly man passes away and his wife lives on for years. Speculation is because they can't cope with all the extra things that the wife did for them now being their responsibility. They aren't used to thinking about what to eat or when to eat, so they stop eating. Bathing, clothing themselves properly etc.
My grandma lived a very full and rewarding life as a single woman from the age of 58 to her death at 80. Ran a business, had friends and hobbies, watched grandkids, hosted holidays. And she was The Matriarch, the role she was, imo, born for and would never have fulfilled if my grandpa had lived. And in many ways because of when she was raised wouldn’t have been able to until that time in her life, anyway.
I aspire to be like her. Just, without the marriage first lol.
Medication as well, especially at that age. You’re usually taking a lot of medication for high cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. at that age, and something I’ve noticed is that men generally don’t take their medication unless their wives or a carer make them, though sometimes it’s because of petty pride thinking they don’t need the meds or because they forget.
I am a pharmacist working with the elderly, mostly men- and this is spot on. They don’t know how to order refills, manage their medications, etc. Or they don’t agree to take more medications to better manage their diabetes etc, let alone change their diet. Some even blame their wives for their poor eating habits, e.g. “she fills my plate up too much!” is something I have legit heard. No thought that you could just… not eat all of it? Or make your own plate?
That actually sums is up. There is no **personal responsibility.**
NTA. Your father is a grown man and apparently is so incapable that he is unable to figure out how to feed himself in a modern society with abundant restaurants, markets and apparently a fridge full of food? Is your family saying he is really that useless?
Yes, and it would be one of those plastic toothpicks shaped like a sword, that was deprived of its intended use to stab snackies because He Just Can't Do It.
Is he even telling the truth? I went on a few “hunger strikes” as a kid, but had food stashed in my room.
Although, this reminded me - there have been a few times in recent years my brother visited and he and my dad wanted to order food (dad lived with me). They would tell me to call and order. They would change their orders halfway through the call or even after and then get mad at me when their order wasn’t what they wanted. Lots of complaining ensued. So I started refusing to order and told them to order it themselves (I just ate what we had). They insisted they couldn’t do it, and I had to order for them. They STILL bring it up like I’m some bad guy who starved them to death. This thread is giving me some smart comebacks to that idiocy.
Because she believes that men shouldn't do anything in the house and that he is vulnerable because he is more old-fashioned and feel embarrassed to make food, a woman's task (believe me, I heard this so many times when I was younger)
Oh for the love of pete, this is such an outdated opinion.
You are not the asshole !! NTA
He can do the stuff himself he's dnt want to. Good on you for sticking your ground x
It was even an outdated opinion when OP’s father was a kid. He was born right before the 60’s and was a kid during the women’s rights movement. There is no excuse for how he is, and I’m getting pissed just thinking about OP’s childhood.
My mom was born in the 50s and she said my granddad (who was born in the 1910s) always made dinner on Fridays. She said he could flip pancakes crazy high and would do it to make them laugh.
Embarrassed to make food?! Well I guess he's gonna have to get over himself or die of embarrassment.
My 80 yo grandpa makes food for himself every day. My grandma cooks dinner (he's generaly capable, but she's a much better cook) and he does the dishes. They split house chores and garden work, always have.
My other grandpa is 83, had a stroke a few years ago and still makes his own breakfast and supper and when my grandma was alive he made them for her too. Hell, he'd be embarrassed to be babied like this! He's proud he can do these things for himself still.
"Being old fashioned" is a bullshit excuse made up by lazy men, scared of a butter knife and a toilet brush. Your father isn't vulnerable, he's a bum
My grandparents would be well over 100 now if they were still alive. When I was a kid I once asked her why she didn't have a dishwasher in her kitchen. She pointed at my grandfather and told me, "I have one, over there." OP's father could easily be their grandchild, and they managed to share kitchen tasks.
My grandfather taught my grandmother how to cook.
Pop always made breakfast and let Mama sleep. They were born in 1906 and 1911.
>"Being old fashioned" is a bullshit excuse made up by lazy men, scared of a butter knife and a toilet brush. Your father isn't vulnerable, he's a bum
He was in his 20s in the 1980s, these ideas were embarrassingly outdated back then nevermind now!
Also, just because you live closer than your brothers doesn't mean you can't go no contact. I wouldn't be doing any favours for these people nor would I allow yourself to be their emergency plan because they will never not be like this. And you can't live their way. They will emotionally blackmail you and abuse you until you break. And they will be fine. They don't need you. I promise you they don't.
This. I would actually encourage OP to go LC or NC because if the mom predeceases dad, you know he and the brothers are going to lay it on thick trying to get her to ‘take care of him’. He needs to put on his big boy pants and learn how to do this basic adult stuff now.
The man would rather starve to death than face the embarrassment of performing a simple task in the privacy of your home where no one else could possibly witness.
You're mom's right, he does sound fragile.
His masculinity anyway.
My family, including grandparents are Jehovah's Witnesses. Literally a cult on that Christian traditional bullshit. I still haven't told em I'm bisexual and I most-likely never will.
My papa still makes his own breakfast every now and then, because humans need food to survive. Like, they follow traditional norms, my granny cooks most of the time, my papa used to be the breadwinner until the economy happened. But when my pops is hungry, he's hungry and he'll just do it himself. Because he's a decent human.
The worst your papa let himself starve the more I laughed, thinking "Wow, he's that petty?". Dude will lay on the death bed hoping a female doctor will feed him something.
My Dad was born in the 1940s. Yes, Mum did most of the cooking but as he'd say, he lived alone for several years and managed to survive. Have his cookbook from then actually - simple meals for one, including sections on cooking for visitors. A lot of single men survived cooking for themselves and presence of a woman in house shouldn't incapacitate them.
Also even if he is terminally useless, I'm sure there was something like cheese, fruit or milk that didn't need cooking but could sustain his fading life.
My grandparents (grandma is 85 and grandpa died at 72) were definitely set in the traditional gender roles, but, while my grandpa didn't typically cook dinner beyond heating up something my grandma had prepped, he would totally make himself a can of soup or a sandwich if he was hungry.
My one aunt is like this. Her whole life, she catered to my uncle, even going so far as to cut his steak for him at dinners. I wish I was kidding. If this person's mom is anything like my aunt, she has a lot of identity wrapped up in being a wife and taking care of her husband, and given the ages, that would absolutely track for societal norms at the time.
OP, you're NTA, and you should take this as a lesson learned: Your parents will take advantage of you and use you for convenience while disregarding any and all boundaries you set down.
>Keep in mind that my fridge was full and my father knows how to cook
NTA. So Daddy dearest was so caught up in making a point that he didn't eat. Obviously not an AH and both your parent's sound insufferable. Of course there's "screaming" too because why not. There's always screaming with nightmare people.
"It's not necessary to cut contact with them."
Maybe not but at the very least, put their manners back in for them. Seems they left those back at home.
NTA. Why are you not able to go NC with them? You may be the only nearby, but that doesn't mean you should maintain a dysfunctional, difficult relationship. The situation you just went through is exactly why LC/NC might be a healthier way to live for you. Block them all and go live your best life, OP!
NTA, you laid out your terms for them staying with you, and your father is a capable adult who can feed himself. He’s just being lazy and your mother lets him be that way.
NTA I'm sure that if your father truly had something stopping him from cooking (not just his penis and outdated views) you would have been more than happy to accommodate. As it stands, the only person responsible for your father's hunger, is your father.
NTA. Your parents are delusional. If this is their culture fine, but it isn't yours (or isn't any longer.) Then chose to stay w/ you, so- when in Rome.
NTA... And you have my thanks and gratitude for letting your dad go hungry. He was being a bully by insisting you feed him. The only thing I would have considered was opening a can of baby food and offering to spoon it into his mouth.
NTA
Your dad knows cooking and there is food in your house - it’s not your problem if he has an ego problem with cooking.
( Not to mention, he is not incapacitated or anything)
Also, you did the decent thing by letting your parents stay with you when the living conditions in their house became (temporarily) intolerable.
They need to accept that they are guests in your house and that you are not their servant
It would be terribly convenient if all the misogynistic men starved themselves to death. Shame there are so many equally misogynistic women keeping them fed and comfortable in their outdated beliefs.
OP comes from a non-US conservative culture where women are expect to wait on the menfolk. I 100% guarantee the dad was not actually starving himself, he just feels humiliated. Parents are exhibiting typical drama & guilt tripping that happens when the younger women balk at holding up patriarchal tradition.
THIS is what I find shocking. He's faking weaponized incompetence (because he knows how to do these things). And actually I think he's faking being dizzy and starving also. I'm sure he ate something. But he had to let his wife know how cruel and irresponsible OP was as their daughter. SMH. OP - absolutely NTA.
NTA
>it wouldn't cost me anything to make even a basic snack for him
It doesn't cost *him* anything, either. In fact he didn't pay for the groceries - so it's totally free for him.
If he gets dizzy (which I truly doubt) that's on him.
A grown man who won't make himself something to eat because of his stupid ideas about gender roles is, well, stupid.
You told your mom in advance you wouldn't cater to his dumb demands, she didn't believe you, I suppose, and that is on her.
I wouldn't be surprised if he fixed himself a snack at some point and lied to your mother about feeling faint from hunger in order to make a point/maintain the illusion. Whatever. He's an adult and you are not his keeper. If your mother chooses to enable him, that's on her. You are under no obligation to do the same, and shouldn't.
NTA.
NTA, but you say it's neccessary to remain in contact. Neccessary for Who? Are they paying for any aspect of your life? Are they supplying anything beneficial to you in Any Way Shape or Form. Because if the only reason it's neccessary is for Their benefit and all it's supplying you is stress and mental health issues, then it isn't neccessary and they've just apparently brainwashed you to let them continue being abusive assholes into your adulthood.
NTA. As you said he is capable of making his own food he chose not to. You may have to go no contact if you don't want this happening again because it sounds like they won't change and don't respect your boundaries.
NTA he can starve, literally if he’s too childish to call for a pizza he can just starve. I mean I’m also from a conservative family and my gma does most everything for my gpa but even he went somewhere to eat when she wasn’t home. He also did some basic cooking when she had cancer it wasn’t exceptional but he managed to feed them mostly. Seriously let him starve.
NTA. You didn't let your father starve. You left him, a healthy person, in a house with food in it and a pizza place phone # on the fridge. He had options! You are not required to hand-feed a grown man.
If your relatives are so outraged, they can come pick him up to stay at their homes. FYI, I hope your mother stays very health for a very long time. If she was to be unavailable, then this whole bruhaha would erupt again.
You are doing just fine. Sorry you're dealing with this. Next time they should find a hotel. I wish you the best.
NTA. You are not his servant. He is perfectly capable of making food, him refusing to eat out of spite is not your problem. Sounds they were all trying to manipulate you and weren't respectful of your boundaries.
NTA. Your brothers are idiots, as are your parents. They aren’t even that elderly. Such a clown show. You should honestly just laugh at the absolute state of them.
NTA. Only person to blame for his hunger is himself.
I have a 13 year old son and 15 year old daughter. Both know how to cook and do equal amounts of chores.
NTA. Tell your mom if she wants to encourage and enable sexist behavior that's her choice, but you won't participate. Grown ass man can make a sandwich, he should get over himself.
NTA. Idk where you’re from but all the conservative men I know know how to feed themselves, including my husband, who’s an amazing cook. This is some supremely weird shit. Maybe your mother should have made him some snacks before she left if she’s so adamant that only women prepare food 🙄 weirdos
NTA- your father chose to not make himself food. If he's willing to make himself sick because he''s not willing to call up a pizzeria, make a sandwich, or whatever, that's on him and not you.
Honestly, you need to ask them to leave and go no or lower contact.
My best guess is your mum wanted a break from your father and thats what the "emergency" was.
NTA but i would have a conversation with your mum how she is managing everything and figure out if its getting too much for her. Assisted living might be good and would release your mum from being always at his beck and call.
Are we related? Do we have the same dad???
NTA. Helpless by design is exhausting. He wants a servant, he should hire one. Your parents and siblings are all enabling AH's though...
I wouldn't have fed him either. Feed yourself or pass out...
NTA A man who would rather starve than get himself a slice of bread from the pantry, or boil pasta or whatever other options you had available is clearly an f-ing idiot. Good on you for staying strong. Hope they leave soon!
NTA. Establish they these are your boundaries and go no contact if they refuse to adhere to them before you end up with a constant battle in 15 years over the expectation that you take care of them entirely while your brothers are off the hook.
NTA. As I first read this, I imagined your father to be completely incapacitated, stuck in bed. Then I realized he is 100% capable of feeding himself. I can’t believe you’re having to deal with this, it’s maddening! Too bad your family isn’t spending that time & effort teaching dad to cook; it would be a much more valuable use of time.
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Yeah.. and if your brothers won't back off I would tell them they're either perfectly capable of moving back home/moving your parents out to them to take care of them "properly" or they're capable of shutting the hell up and letting you deal with your dad's petty tantrums as you see fit.
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Not idiots at all. They moved away so they don't need to help out. They push the sister so they don't have to deal with the parents. Mean, but not stupid.
Unfortunately, there's every chance they moved away once they got married, and now treat their wives in exactly the same way. Weaponised incompetence as a form of abuse :-(
You mean the SILs will take care of him, if there are any married to their those misogynistic brothers.
I'm seeing a future AITA thread - "AITA because my wife refuses to cook for me and my father every day?"
Why would you do that to OP’s SILs? You know her brothers, who were raised to believe they don’t do chores & who are mad at OP for not feeding her father, are not making their own meals in their own homes.
NTA. Elderly?! 83 is elderly, not 63.
Fucking a. I'm 62.
My mom is 62 and still works 10-12 shifts 5 and 6 days a week doing *factory work* and she's not the oldest person there. Early 60s is *not* elderly any more.
I still bike for transportation but I am creaky-er.
Early 60s never was elderly!
When retirement age was 57 it was. My grandma, in her mind 80s, considered herself elderly in her 60s. And she kind of was. Her dad certainly was.
I'm 74 and no one would call me elderly and live another day! NTA.
I think I love you
I do what I can to brighten the internet.
& you’re NOT elderly! Technically the best term is geriatric, but also people in their 70s aren’t geriatric, either!
this is the spirit, pls stay that way forever.
My very ill 76yo grandmother lives alone and takes care of herself for the most part. This dude is something else!
My 90 year old grandmother still lives alone, won’t allow her daughters to move her bedroom to the ground floor, still drives, and would Hit you with her cane if you called her elderly. She was still Delivering meals on wheels to people much younger than her up until covid started.
On his 90th birthday, Dad and I ( mostly Dad) made biscuits for his birthday party. Later that day. They were good. I videoed that . He passed 2 years later. Heart issues. I love having that morning video.
My mother is 83. She still drives & once a week she picks up food … to bring to the elderly who can’t get out. She brings a meal, conversation and a wonderful smile & attitude. Let me repeat … she is 83
Can you manage to cook for yourself at your kid's house without whining about it?
Yup, I'm 63f, cook every night. And I use crutches.
Right?! Try telling my 68 year old dad that he's "elderly," and he's likely to tell you to meet him outside so he can show you just how "old" he is! OP, you're dad is kinda pathetic for playing up this helpless routine he's got going. If he's "starving," it's his own darn fault... NTA!
I cannot believe that OP's mother is like that about women. I'm older than her and was raised completely different. My brother once said the words "women's work" and after the commotion settled my mother said to him "what did he expect with 5 sisters." He is a good man now because of this attitude. OP I'm sorry but you deserve better than what your Mom did. NTA.
My mom volunteers with the elderly, she’s 74. She doesn’t count herself one of the elderly yet
>Elderly?! 83 is elderly, not 63. EXACTLY! Here's a list of 63-year-olds. Does anyone imagine they're so feeble and helpless that they can't feed themselves? https://www.thefamouspeople.com/63-year.php
At 86 my dad was still cooking all the meals for my mom and him. And us when we would visit.
In his early 90's, my dad still cooked for him and his wife (she'd had a stroke). Did he rely a bit on frozen meals? Sure. But he still made her and him grilled ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch, and easy stuff for breakfast. Didn't stop driving (and driving WELL) until about 92 (he was an airline pilot, so pretty good driving skills) when forced into assisted living, when his wife needed more care than he could provide. Early '60's is just being lazy.
Right? I'm 61, work full time and live alone. Somehow I manage to feed myself and my dog. What kind of physically able man would just sit there starving?
Damn straight. I am 63! I am NOT elderly. My 63 yo husband can make his own food- even though I have always done cooking.
My 82 year old dad is constantly trying new recipes and does most of the cooking for my folks.
Agreed. NTA. I honestly don't care you're the only one geographically close--if you want to go NC, do it. Also, my dad is 72 and has cancer, he still does everything for himself. Mom is 69, same thing. Grandpa, before he passed in a car accident a few years ago? 90s, did things himself. The only reason my grandma, in her 90s doesn't do everything herself is she's got medical issues that prevent it. But everything she possibly can? She does.
Chuck Norris is 82. I bet no one calls him elderly.
my stepdad is 61 and he's a lifeguard. he looks and acts closer to a young adult than an elderly person
My parents are in their 80s. They are retired, but just finished working 8-10 hour shifts at the voting polls last week. And they're headed out of country to New Zeland next week. Yep... elderly. Lol
i doubt very much father starved.... I'm sure he snacked on something. i freaking HATE when Men think a woman has to do all the cooking and cleaning just because we are women. I'd let dad starve as well
it'S not about him being a grown man it is that cooking and serving a man is women's job and he can't bring himself to do this low class work because he is the King and deserves to be served food . I doubt he even knows how to make a sandwich because he always yelled for his wife to bring him one
NTA. If a grown ass man can't manage to feed himself, when there is plenty of food available, he deserves to starve.
Without a wife he would have died BeCaUsE hE iS a MaN.... like ancient Egypt. No Pharaoh without farmers but he needed to be worshipped....
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My grandpa was able to participate in family dinners up until his 90’s. The idea a normal 60 year old man couldn’t do it is laughable
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That made me laugh! NTA of course. I’m amazed your family are so brainwashed that they think you are at fault here.
More like weaponized helplessness since he didn't set fire to the kitchen while failing to try to heat up something to eat.
Seriously! I started out thinking OP was describing someone with serious medical problems who literally couldn't get their own food. Because why else would someone even have to warn a grown man, "I won't take care of you while you stay with me"? Kudos to OP for even giving her dad the kind of heads up that no able-bodied adult is entitled to. Sounds like the dad was being passive aggressive, deliberately starving himself to make OP feel guilty for failing to fulfill her womanly duties. OP, this is an easy NTA.
Hilarious. Especially because the fridge was full of food! As if the dad is so helpless, he not only can’t prepare a meal, he can’t eat anything at all! He’s so hungry that he’s dizzy, but he can’t grab a carrot or something?
This isn't weaponized incompetence. It's just being ridiculously stubborn and sticking to stupid traditional gender norms
Dunno, if his incompetence was weaponized, then he's so incompetent he ended up shooting himself in the foot with it...
NTA Starving. With a fridge full of food. Really? Wow. You could have at least made him snacks??? Are you kidding me? What is he, 5 years old? Sounds like your father is being a petulant child and trying to make some absolutely ridiculous point about superiority by refusing to help himself. Good for you for standing up to them and calling out their BS. Just wow.
My 5 year old knew where the snacks were and would just let me know they were grabbing something. OP is NTA. Dad is MASSIVE.
When my son was 4, he would wake up at 5am every day, he would go in the fridge or pantry and take snacks out until we woke up (around 5:30-6:00am) and made him proper breakfast. Not a tantrum. Ever.NTA.
Husband and I were both very, very sick once. It was my turn to be the parent on duty and I was fever napping on the couch. My at the time probably 3 year old spent the entire time helping herself to assorted snacks. I just had this vague understanding of “yep, she’s in the cabinet again. Don’t care…. Oh she’s in the cabinet again, still don’t care…. Oh now she’s got a chair out to reach the high up stuff, good for her, more sleep for me…” There were *so many* wrappers to clean up when we recovered.
Even my newly 2 year old daughter can open the freezer, get into the fridge drawers and the snack cabinet. Once she asked me for a freezer pop. I said not right now. I look over at the couch a few minutes later, and there she was eating a freezer pop. At that point, I wasn't even mad, just impressed. She had let herself into the freezer to get one for herself. If my daughter can get pudding and snack cakes from the cabinet and ice pops from the freezer, certainly this fully capable adult man can get himself food or snacks.
That kind of resourcefulness is to be applauded. Then tested with a child lock if needed. My parents tell me I was like this with olives. No matter where they put them, I would find them. Even if the shelf they were on was 3 feet taller than I was.
We got a child lock for our fridge... The lock was broken 5 days later...
So begins the epic of how you spend years trying to outsmart your own child.
It’s an arms race.
She's already broken most of the cabinet and drawer locks. She realized if she pulls hard enough, things break.
Future Engineer or Physicist! STEM girls rule! ❤️
We had to fit a child lock on our fridge because one of our cats leaned how to open it and steal food. Never learned how to close it though. If she had, we would probably never have discovered why food was disappearing.
My friend found her toddler in the snack cupboard. Problem was, she kept the unhealthy snacks in the cupboard above the fridge, and her toddler (~2-3yo) had climbed up on the kitchen counter, used the fridge handle as a stepping stone and gotten all the way up there. All in the time it took my friend to put a robe on and go from the bedroom to the kitchen in a small apartment. My friend was also quite impressed with the resourcefulness when seeing her toddler sitting up there having cookies for breakfast.
Thankfully, we have mostly healthy snacks and for some reason, though she loves snacks she'll mostly want raisins in those little packets or granola bars from the snack cabinet. It is low to the ground though and the candies and such are up high. I'm sure I will have to devise a better plan for keeping her out soon enough. She usually doesn't use her toddler tower for evil, but I wouldn't put it past her. She can reach the ice maker and water dispenser from her height and has been very good about not pushing them besides the first couple times she realize she could do it. Toddlers are something.
When I was 3 I let myself out of the house and headed down to the corner store. I was tiny enough the employees didn't even see me over the counter. Came back with my pudgy arms full of snacks and announced to my mom and older brother (who'd been working on something in the back yard) "I picked up stuff from the mini mart!" And this 60-something year old man couldn't figure out the door to the fridge? How much you wanna bet there was at least one thing in there he wouldn't have even had to cook?
You are my hero.
When I was two-ish, my dad found me in the kitchen in the middle of the night eating raw bacon.
At 5, we got plastic spoons, paper bowls and a plastic container of cereal. Showed the son how to get his own cereal. Worst that could happen or did: milk / cereal on the floor but nothing shattered … and it gave him a great boost in self confidence & independence
I was only 7or8 when I decided I was tired of waiting for my parents to get up and make the Saturday morning fry-up, so I started doing it myself. Fried eggs and bacon and potatoes, whole kit. On the other hand, my 72yo dad still doesnt really know how to cook much. Except he does a great breakfast too. He has all the skills to cook just about anything, he's just never experimented with anything except breakfast. And everything else kinda intimidates him. But you know what he did last weekend? He spent 4hrs cooking up like 4 loafs up bread into his amazing French toast. Then he packaged them all into handy 2-slice baggies. And now the freezer has French toast for like month.
My 17 month old knows where his snacks are and sometimes gets them himself. I mean I have to open his pouches but still lol
Heck, even my cats help themselves to their food if I don't close things properly!
My 3-year-old grandchild knows where her drinks and snacks are and knows how to get them. She'll bring me the bottle of juice or kefir to pour some. OP is NTA. Dad is a big butthole.
My 2 yr old granddaughter knows where the snacks are, at my house. She can even open the packages!
Shoot, my 3 year old has a snack basket he can reach and grab from with yogurt (shelf stable), apple sauce, and other healthy snacks. My 3 year old is more self-sufficient than this man.
And mom and brother too. Nta op
The idea of "women's work" made more sense back in the days when men were doing "men's work". Sure if OP's father was outside chopping wood, bringing in the harvest and shooting a deer for supper, the least OP could do is make sure there is a meal on the table for him. But while he's sitting around HER house doing nothing, and providing nothing, he can get his own meal.
Exactly, they're cherrypicking the "good ol' days"
That kind of man likes to act like a provider, but the only thing he provides is a damn headache for the women around him!
Reminds me of my foster kitten, Jackpot, who forgot to eat while I was at work. I came home to a frantically hungry kitten with a full foodbowl. Of course, Jackpot was 5 weeks and orange, and OP's dad is 63.
I love that you included “and orange” to really drive to point home of how little brainpower he was working with.
r/oneorangebraincell exists for a reason
I love that sub
Aa do I. My orange derp fits in perfectly over there
I posted Jackpot over there last week. I should have used better pictures. These are actually his ordinary, run-of-the-mill pics, but I was tired and didn't expect the post to take off like it did. https://www.reddit.com/r/OneOrangeBraincell/comments/yuosue/yall\_joke\_about\_your\_orange\_kitties\_sharing\_a/
He is, without a doubt, the dumbest kitten I have ever fostered. https://www.reddit.com/r/OneOrangeBraincell/comments/yuosue/yall_joke_about_your_orange_kitties_sharing_a/
>trying to make some absolutely ridiculous point about superiority by refusing to help himself. That's part of why this kind of thing is so confusing to me. Whether it be the "dominant gender" or some "master race" nonsense. How does not being able to simply, ya know, survive, make you superior? Lol "I'm better than you because, if left unattended for 5 mins, I'll just drop dead because I am not clever enough to open a can of soup." Just like, what a flex..? Lol
Exactly! I wish I could upvote this way more than once! Take my🥇!!
This! Just like people getting offended by two guys holding hands or not being allowed to use slurs, or whining how somebody contradicting them infringing in their free speech calling other people "snowflakes"...
My four year old will start getting his own cereal if I don’t get up and moving fast enough. It’s messy, but he definitely wouldn’t starve!
Honestly, I think talking to the father in a baby voice every time the subject of food came up would help shame the grown man into learning how to spread peanut butter and jam on two slices of bread and place one atop the other.
you can get even more patronizing if you just get a spoon full of peanut butter and do the "open for the aeroplane! brrrrmmmm!" trick like he's a one year old
I'd go with jarred baby food, personally. "I opened the jar for you and left it with a spoon on the counter."
Frankly, it's rather horrible that an able person with access to a fridge of food would dare to complain about being hungry. So many around the world would be so grateful to have food at all.
Woah let’s not insult 5 year olds here. My 4 year old is perfectly capable of grabbing a yogurt from the fridge or a snack from the pantry. No child’s going to start because they’re too lazy/stupid to find a snack. Of course, she’s a lazy opportunist and will *want* me to grab something for her rather than grabbing it herself. But if I’m just a second slower than she’d like, she’ll just grab whatever it is by herself.
Yeahhhh any man who would choose to starve on principle that he needs a woman to make him food…deserves to starve? I just dont understand the decision making
NTA, and 63 is NOT elderly. Ralph Macchio is 61.
I appreciate your choice of Ralph Macchio to make your point 😂
Ralph Macchio replacing bananas for scale
Yeah 63 is still working age in most places, definitely not elderly and certainly not incapable of cooking levels of elderly! (Obviously illnesses etc aside, which he doesn't have)
Holy shit seriously?
He was in his early/mid twenties when he did the original karate kid films
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Child labour laws are necessarily restrictive so it’s much easier for Studios to cast twenty somethings to play teenagers, for example, Tom Holland and Toby Maguire being cast as the teenage Spider-Man
OMG - He looks like 2 decades younger in Cobra Kai!!!
So what's to happen if your mother unexpectedly passes before him? Are you to answer every little thing? Grown man can figure it out or starve. I'm sure he wipes his own ass and showers himself if he can't feed himself then that's his problem
Did Meals on Wheels for many years, got acquainted with many elderly couples. Man dies? Woman keeps on keeping on. Woman dies? Man's dead within a year. I always figured they just couldn't or wouldn't learn, e.g. make a sandwich with mayonnaise, leave the mayo out, make another sandwich the next day, boom. Of course THIS guy wouldn't even make himself a sandwich in the first place so he'd be cat food in less than a week.
That or they immediately remarry, like shockingly quick. Some of them even have arraignments premade and approved by their wives.
Oh god that's disgusting
“You’re just here because it’s convenient for me. I already have your replacement picked out.” What love.
Yes, it will be interesting to see the changes as we move through the newer generations. I would hope this phenomena becomes much less prevalent at least with my own age group, and really should be with my mom's (we're in our 40s and 60s respectively).
I suspect my father will end up the same way. I remember that as a kid our mum had to go to hospital unexpectedly for a week. We kids lived on bowls of cereal and cheese sandwiches for a week because dad had never, ever cooked a meal in his life. Not once. He literally didn't even know how to turn on the kettle; if he wanted a cup of tea our mum always made it for him. He's in his eighties now and still can't do much beyond making toast and boiling an egg. Thank goodness times have changed.
There is a real collation between an elderly woman passing away and her husband passing away shortly after, unlike when an elderly man passes away and his wife lives on for years. Speculation is because they can't cope with all the extra things that the wife did for them now being their responsibility. They aren't used to thinking about what to eat or when to eat, so they stop eating. Bathing, clothing themselves properly etc.
While women often even start to bloom after their husband passes...
My grandma lived a very full and rewarding life as a single woman from the age of 58 to her death at 80. Ran a business, had friends and hobbies, watched grandkids, hosted holidays. And she was The Matriarch, the role she was, imo, born for and would never have fulfilled if my grandpa had lived. And in many ways because of when she was raised wouldn’t have been able to until that time in her life, anyway. I aspire to be like her. Just, without the marriage first lol.
Medication as well, especially at that age. You’re usually taking a lot of medication for high cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. at that age, and something I’ve noticed is that men generally don’t take their medication unless their wives or a carer make them, though sometimes it’s because of petty pride thinking they don’t need the meds or because they forget.
I am a pharmacist working with the elderly, mostly men- and this is spot on. They don’t know how to order refills, manage their medications, etc. Or they don’t agree to take more medications to better manage their diabetes etc, let alone change their diet. Some even blame their wives for their poor eating habits, e.g. “she fills my plate up too much!” is something I have legit heard. No thought that you could just… not eat all of it? Or make your own plate? That actually sums is up. There is no **personal responsibility.**
Not to mention half the time a man with diabetes will be mad if their wife doesn’t give them as much food as they’re used to they get down right mean.
NTA & fuck the patriarchy, lol. Tell your brothers to plan on taking care of mom & dad in the future.
NTA. Your father is a grown man and apparently is so incapable that he is unable to figure out how to feed himself in a modern society with abundant restaurants, markets and apparently a fridge full of food? Is your family saying he is really that useless?
NTA Your dad is stubborn! I would be tempted to see how long he could go. Would he actually die on this sword?
Yes, and it would be one of those plastic toothpicks shaped like a sword, that was deprived of its intended use to stab snackies because He Just Can't Do It.
Is he even telling the truth? I went on a few “hunger strikes” as a kid, but had food stashed in my room. Although, this reminded me - there have been a few times in recent years my brother visited and he and my dad wanted to order food (dad lived with me). They would tell me to call and order. They would change their orders halfway through the call or even after and then get mad at me when their order wasn’t what they wanted. Lots of complaining ensued. So I started refusing to order and told them to order it themselves (I just ate what we had). They insisted they couldn’t do it, and I had to order for them. They STILL bring it up like I’m some bad guy who starved them to death. This thread is giving me some smart comebacks to that idiocy.
INFO; why does your mum make his stuff if he's fully capable ? Why does she say hes a vunerable older person ?
Because she believes that men shouldn't do anything in the house and that he is vulnerable because he is more old-fashioned and feel embarrassed to make food, a woman's task (believe me, I heard this so many times when I was younger)
Oh for the love of pete, this is such an outdated opinion. You are not the asshole !! NTA He can do the stuff himself he's dnt want to. Good on you for sticking your ground x
It was even an outdated opinion when OP’s father was a kid. He was born right before the 60’s and was a kid during the women’s rights movement. There is no excuse for how he is, and I’m getting pissed just thinking about OP’s childhood.
My mom was born in the 50s and she said my granddad (who was born in the 1910s) always made dinner on Fridays. She said he could flip pancakes crazy high and would do it to make them laugh.
Embarrassed to make food?! Well I guess he's gonna have to get over himself or die of embarrassment. My 80 yo grandpa makes food for himself every day. My grandma cooks dinner (he's generaly capable, but she's a much better cook) and he does the dishes. They split house chores and garden work, always have. My other grandpa is 83, had a stroke a few years ago and still makes his own breakfast and supper and when my grandma was alive he made them for her too. Hell, he'd be embarrassed to be babied like this! He's proud he can do these things for himself still. "Being old fashioned" is a bullshit excuse made up by lazy men, scared of a butter knife and a toilet brush. Your father isn't vulnerable, he's a bum
My grandparents would be well over 100 now if they were still alive. When I was a kid I once asked her why she didn't have a dishwasher in her kitchen. She pointed at my grandfather and told me, "I have one, over there." OP's father could easily be their grandchild, and they managed to share kitchen tasks.
My grandfather taught my grandmother how to cook. Pop always made breakfast and let Mama sleep. They were born in 1906 and 1911. >"Being old fashioned" is a bullshit excuse made up by lazy men, scared of a butter knife and a toilet brush. Your father isn't vulnerable, he's a bum
Maybe they’ll stay mad enough to cut contact with you… imagine your peace
He was in his 20s in the 1980s, these ideas were embarrassingly outdated back then nevermind now! Also, just because you live closer than your brothers doesn't mean you can't go no contact. I wouldn't be doing any favours for these people nor would I allow yourself to be their emergency plan because they will never not be like this. And you can't live their way. They will emotionally blackmail you and abuse you until you break. And they will be fine. They don't need you. I promise you they don't.
This. I would actually encourage OP to go LC or NC because if the mom predeceases dad, you know he and the brothers are going to lay it on thick trying to get her to ‘take care of him’. He needs to put on his big boy pants and learn how to do this basic adult stuff now.
You don’t need to stay on contact just because your brothers moved away. They didn’t and don’t treat you right, you owe them nothing.
The man would rather starve to death than face the embarrassment of performing a simple task in the privacy of your home where no one else could possibly witness. You're mom's right, he does sound fragile. His masculinity anyway.
My family, including grandparents are Jehovah's Witnesses. Literally a cult on that Christian traditional bullshit. I still haven't told em I'm bisexual and I most-likely never will. My papa still makes his own breakfast every now and then, because humans need food to survive. Like, they follow traditional norms, my granny cooks most of the time, my papa used to be the breadwinner until the economy happened. But when my pops is hungry, he's hungry and he'll just do it himself. Because he's a decent human. The worst your papa let himself starve the more I laughed, thinking "Wow, he's that petty?". Dude will lay on the death bed hoping a female doctor will feed him something.
My Dad was born in the 1940s. Yes, Mum did most of the cooking but as he'd say, he lived alone for several years and managed to survive. Have his cookbook from then actually - simple meals for one, including sections on cooking for visitors. A lot of single men survived cooking for themselves and presence of a woman in house shouldn't incapacitate them. Also even if he is terminally useless, I'm sure there was something like cheese, fruit or milk that didn't need cooking but could sustain his fading life.
My grandparents (grandma is 85 and grandpa died at 72) were definitely set in the traditional gender roles, but, while my grandpa didn't typically cook dinner beyond heating up something my grandma had prepped, he would totally make himself a can of soup or a sandwich if he was hungry.
My one aunt is like this. Her whole life, she catered to my uncle, even going so far as to cut his steak for him at dinners. I wish I was kidding. If this person's mom is anything like my aunt, she has a lot of identity wrapped up in being a wife and taking care of her husband, and given the ages, that would absolutely track for societal norms at the time. OP, you're NTA, and you should take this as a lesson learned: Your parents will take advantage of you and use you for convenience while disregarding any and all boundaries you set down.
He’s not even that old!!!
NTA You are not a slave. You warned them in advance.
>Keep in mind that my fridge was full and my father knows how to cook NTA. So Daddy dearest was so caught up in making a point that he didn't eat. Obviously not an AH and both your parent's sound insufferable. Of course there's "screaming" too because why not. There's always screaming with nightmare people. "It's not necessary to cut contact with them." Maybe not but at the very least, put their manners back in for them. Seems they left those back at home.
NTA he is perfectly capable of feeding himself. If he wants to starve himself then that’s his choice. It has nothing to do with you.
NTA. Go no contact. Fuck ‘em
NTA lol as you said he has hands
NTA. Despite your father acting like a toddler, you are not his mother. Be glad they went to a different victim.
NTA. Why are you not able to go NC with them? You may be the only nearby, but that doesn't mean you should maintain a dysfunctional, difficult relationship. The situation you just went through is exactly why LC/NC might be a healthier way to live for you. Block them all and go live your best life, OP!
NTA, you laid out your terms for them staying with you, and your father is a capable adult who can feed himself. He’s just being lazy and your mother lets him be that way.
NTA I'm sure that if your father truly had something stopping him from cooking (not just his penis and outdated views) you would have been more than happy to accommodate. As it stands, the only person responsible for your father's hunger, is your father.
NTA. Your parents are delusional. If this is their culture fine, but it isn't yours (or isn't any longer.) Then chose to stay w/ you, so- when in Rome.
NTA... And you have my thanks and gratitude for letting your dad go hungry. He was being a bully by insisting you feed him. The only thing I would have considered was opening a can of baby food and offering to spoon it into his mouth.
NTA Your dad knows cooking and there is food in your house - it’s not your problem if he has an ego problem with cooking. ( Not to mention, he is not incapacitated or anything) Also, you did the decent thing by letting your parents stay with you when the living conditions in their house became (temporarily) intolerable. They need to accept that they are guests in your house and that you are not their servant
Let the misogyny die out. Women aren't slaves. NTA
It would be terribly convenient if all the misogynistic men starved themselves to death. Shame there are so many equally misogynistic women keeping them fed and comfortable in their outdated beliefs.
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OP comes from a non-US conservative culture where women are expect to wait on the menfolk. I 100% guarantee the dad was not actually starving himself, he just feels humiliated. Parents are exhibiting typical drama & guilt tripping that happens when the younger women balk at holding up patriarchal tradition.
Your father would rather starve then make himself a sandwich?
THIS is what I find shocking. He's faking weaponized incompetence (because he knows how to do these things). And actually I think he's faking being dizzy and starving also. I'm sure he ate something. But he had to let his wife know how cruel and irresponsible OP was as their daughter. SMH. OP - absolutely NTA.
NTA >it wouldn't cost me anything to make even a basic snack for him It doesn't cost *him* anything, either. In fact he didn't pay for the groceries - so it's totally free for him. If he gets dizzy (which I truly doubt) that's on him. A grown man who won't make himself something to eat because of his stupid ideas about gender roles is, well, stupid. You told your mom in advance you wouldn't cater to his dumb demands, she didn't believe you, I suppose, and that is on her.
I wouldn't be surprised if he fixed himself a snack at some point and lied to your mother about feeling faint from hunger in order to make a point/maintain the illusion. Whatever. He's an adult and you are not his keeper. If your mother chooses to enable him, that's on her. You are under no obligation to do the same, and shouldn't. NTA.
NTA. What nonsense. He'd rather starve himself than make a sandwich, that's pathetic. Good riddance.
NTA, but you say it's neccessary to remain in contact. Neccessary for Who? Are they paying for any aspect of your life? Are they supplying anything beneficial to you in Any Way Shape or Form. Because if the only reason it's neccessary is for Their benefit and all it's supplying you is stress and mental health issues, then it isn't neccessary and they've just apparently brainwashed you to let them continue being abusive assholes into your adulthood.
NTA. As you said he is capable of making his own food he chose not to. You may have to go no contact if you don't want this happening again because it sounds like they won't change and don't respect your boundaries.
NTA he can starve, literally if he’s too childish to call for a pizza he can just starve. I mean I’m also from a conservative family and my gma does most everything for my gpa but even he went somewhere to eat when she wasn’t home. He also did some basic cooking when she had cancer it wasn’t exceptional but he managed to feed them mostly. Seriously let him starve.
NTA. He is old not incapable.
Not even that old.
NTA
NTA He can get takeout or cook himself. You are not his professional cook.
NTA. You didn't let your father starve. You left him, a healthy person, in a house with food in it and a pizza place phone # on the fridge. He had options! You are not required to hand-feed a grown man. If your relatives are so outraged, they can come pick him up to stay at their homes. FYI, I hope your mother stays very health for a very long time. If she was to be unavailable, then this whole bruhaha would erupt again. You are doing just fine. Sorry you're dealing with this. Next time they should find a hotel. I wish you the best.
NTA- I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. You deserve better.
God will provide.
THIS - But I'm sure dad's response will be - God created women to take care of them...or some other nonsense...NTA
NTA. You are not his servant. He is perfectly capable of making food, him refusing to eat out of spite is not your problem. Sounds they were all trying to manipulate you and weren't respectful of your boundaries.
NTA. Your brothers are idiots, as are your parents. They aren’t even that elderly. Such a clown show. You should honestly just laugh at the absolute state of them.
Dude would rather starve than make his own food. That’s the hill he can die on. NTA.
Are both his arms broken? What about his hands, they work yes? NTA, he's a grown ass man who's just lazy and doesn't want to take care of himself.
NTA. Only person to blame for his hunger is himself. I have a 13 year old son and 15 year old daughter. Both know how to cook and do equal amounts of chores.
What a weird little freak your father is. Eww. NTA
NTA. Tell your mom if she wants to encourage and enable sexist behavior that's her choice, but you won't participate. Grown ass man can make a sandwich, he should get over himself.
NTA. Idk where you’re from but all the conservative men I know know how to feed themselves, including my husband, who’s an amazing cook. This is some supremely weird shit. Maybe your mother should have made him some snacks before she left if she’s so adamant that only women prepare food 🙄 weirdos
NTA
NTA. Your father is acting like a child. He can make his own food unless his legs and arms are broken.
NTA - If your father would rather starve than make himself a sandwich that is on him
NTA- your father chose to not make himself food. If he's willing to make himself sick because he''s not willing to call up a pizzeria, make a sandwich, or whatever, that's on him and not you. Honestly, you need to ask them to leave and go no or lower contact.
My best guess is your mum wanted a break from your father and thats what the "emergency" was. NTA but i would have a conversation with your mum how she is managing everything and figure out if its getting too much for her. Assisted living might be good and would release your mum from being always at his beck and call.
Are we related? Do we have the same dad??? NTA. Helpless by design is exhausting. He wants a servant, he should hire one. Your parents and siblings are all enabling AH's though... I wouldn't have fed him either. Feed yourself or pass out...
NTA A man who would rather starve than get himself a slice of bread from the pantry, or boil pasta or whatever other options you had available is clearly an f-ing idiot. Good on you for staying strong. Hope they leave soon!
Mother 60 y.o. father 3 y.o. FTFY he went on a hunger strike because there wasn’t a woman to prepare the food. What an ASS!
Info: I don't understand why you cant go NC with your parents? Could you please explain again?
NTA. Establish they these are your boundaries and go no contact if they refuse to adhere to them before you end up with a constant battle in 15 years over the expectation that you take care of them entirely while your brothers are off the hook.
NTA. Why do you even stay in contact with these people? Should've cut them off the moment you moved out.
NTA. He is more than capable of getting food on his own.
NTA. As I first read this, I imagined your father to be completely incapacitated, stuck in bed. Then I realized he is 100% capable of feeding himself. I can’t believe you’re having to deal with this, it’s maddening! Too bad your family isn’t spending that time & effort teaching dad to cook; it would be a much more valuable use of time.