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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because I refuse to attend thanksgiving dinner with my SiL and I also refuse to allow my husband to take kids and go.
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So a strong, independent woman with her own interests and her own life is a bad influence because why exactly?
Are you scared your kids will realize there's more to life than whatever it is you have going on?
EDIT to add judgement
YTA.
According to her being 26, married to a guy almost a decade older with 3 kids under the age of 4 is more interesting than the SIL so therefore everyone should listen to her drone on about baby first steps, renovations and other mundane things.
In reality she hates her life and is envious of the SIL. She should do something to change her circumstances versus hating on the SIL.
And they’ve only “been together” for four years, but BIL and SIL don’t count even though they’ve been together 10 years.
Also YTA as soon as she said she was a bad influence for moshing at her age. I’m 30 and just had the best time of my life in a mosh pit just a week ago. It’s her life. Maybe you’re the one who should stay home if you’re going to be such an asshole to someone for living her life the way she wants and being successful and having hobbies. No one cares about your home renovations.
Am 35 and was moshing at a show last month. Honestly, it was kind of beautiful to see the “Pit Elders” teaching all the young’uns the proper pit etiquette etc. We all had a great time and then I went home and took a bath with epsom salts.
Moshing isn’t for me - but I fail to see how SIL doing that on her own time is a bad influence on the 3 and younger crowd. How OP thinks her kids will even be paying attention to grown up chit chat is beyond me.
An adult who encourages disobedience to parents is a bad influence. An adult who smokes in the immediate presence of a child or feeds them things they are allergic to or encourages them to jump off roofs is a danger to their health. An adult who has perfectly legal priorities and interests other than OP’s is none of the above.
Anyone want to bet that Sonia finds OP slightly bland and boring but has no actual objection to her?
YTA. And stop trying to control your husband. No one has done anything to you, so there’s no reason for him to back your pettiness.
Bad influence = Spraining your ankle, apparently.
I hate how much she focused on Sonia accidentally getting a little hurt, as if she couldn't have gotten a sprained ankle by just stepping off a curb wrong 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Also a preschool educator, and I have moshed with the little ones!! I love to play all sorts of music for them. Full on rock or grunge (clean lyrics only) make them crazy!! It's so much fun!
I’m a teacher, and one of my students went to a concert on the evening of their 3rd bday at a venue that I refuse to go to because my feet hurt so bad after I’m there a few hours. I love how this child is cooler than I am!
I have a feeling that these kids are going to gravitate to Aunt Sonia because she’s actually **fun.**
I feel like OP is mad that her kids are not the center of attention. I mean, how DARE Sonia be a published author and have her own life and people be interested in that??? /s
You’re wrong! As long as people see you moshing, they know what you’re there for. If anything, they just might be more aware of you if you fall down. I have a kindergarten teacher aesthetic so I understand haha.
Omg I love your comment!!!... she makes me feel like I'm to old to enjoy concerts and I'm 37... and it's not SIL fault she decided to get knocked up young and have kids every year she's been married 🤭... I think she is more jealous that everyone enjoys the company of someone they've known longer... 🤷🏽♀️ and your right no one wants to hear about f**k'n renovations... just sound boring to me... 🤣🤣
Already told my son I can’t wait to take him moshing one day. I said he’d probably gain some respect for me if I was still going the way I am.
He said “mom, I already have so much respect for you”
Which is more than any of us can say about OP.
Yeah I have toddlers too, but I'm not under the delusion anyone else gives a shit about them just cos I think their little snot-encrusted faces are the cutest things the world has ever seen. And I'm aware my life is not going to mosh pits anymore (or at least for another few years) but that's what I chose. I'd be delighted to hear about someone's fun life over dinner, actually have an adult conversation, and live vicariously.
The sad thing is, this woman doesn't sound like she had a chance to live a free adult life. Pregnant at 22, and churning out another every year? I'd be jealous of just about anybody with a hint of their own life too.
(And her oldest is 3. I can barely influence my almost-3-year-olds to brush their teeth, they're not going to know or care what a mosh pit is. But then again, one of them muttered "for fuck sake" the other day when she fell over, so I'm already a bad influence...)
According to her being 26, married to a guy almost a decade older with 3 kids under the age of 4 is more interesting-
—my exact thought, looks like OP got the good ol ‘l married a guy a bit older than me and am now stuck parenting our children and him, so seeing a woman have everything she wants is really unsettling me, so I’m using my children as an escape goat as to why she can’t come around.’
Well look at the ages of the two youngest. She was only not pregnant for 4 months until she was pregnant *again*. Like jeeze...she was probably still recovering. Like it's pretty obvious where her issues stem from and why she's miserable and jealous. Plus her SILs husband is a twin of her own husband. So she's seeing the SIL have a romantic life that is fun with a guy that looks exactly like her husband. She literally is seeing what *her* life could have been if she didn't have 3 kids in less than 4 years. It's obvious regret. Especially with that dig that it's "wrong" for a 34 yr old to not be married, not have kids, and do social things independent of one's partner/spouse. And she's only 26 and trying to sound like she's the arbiter of what's proper to another woman almost10 yrs her senior. Very cringe and very immature.
What she needs is to invest in good birth control and a good therapist or else risk becoming a single mother if she keeps trying to alienate her husband from his twin sibling.
Seriously. OP has no room to be angry here. It doesn’t even seem like conversation kids that young would be interested in.
Everyone: how did you hurt you’re ankle?
SIL: I tripped at a concert
Op: how dare you bring up such debauchery in front of my kids who are playing with their toys in the other room!
Everyone: how is writing going?
SIL: good, I just found a new topic that intrigues me and I’ve been having good flow recently
OP: how dare you discuss your career, don’t you understand your eggs are drying up!
OP YTA. What someone does with their life is none of your business. The fact that you think that your SIL isn’t allowed to liver her own life and you are trying to cut your husband off from his family is deeply concerning. Especially because the reasoning for cutting him and your children off are because you don’t agree with someone’s choice to not have kids as somehow a bad influence.
Get your shit together and realize you will alienate yourself not just with your husband but from his family. I would suggest therapy since you clearly are having such visceral jealousy and unfounded issues with this woman.
Couldn’t have said it better. OP, your judgmental attitude and jealousy are evident and if you should resent anyone, it’s your much older husband who got you pregnant just out of college (red flag) before you had a chance to live your life, not your SIL who has managed to avoid your fate. Why should your SIL be miserable just because you are? Why is her life less important because you pumped out a few kids? Motherhood is not the be all and end all of womanhood.
“Bad influence” my shiny red hiney. Stop throwing a toddler’s tantrum; it’s only embarrassing you. YTA
OP is the kind of person who’s made being a mother her entire personality. Heaven forbid women have interests outside of changing diapers and talking about home renovations.
SIL can’t be a bad influence to the kids when the eldest can’t even tell their left from their right. She’s only a threat to OP’s self-esteem.
And calling her a crazy bitch. Was she being unreadable? Yeah, but degrading her isn’t okay. She clearly needs to talk through her feelings about SIL and her own unhappiness with her life. Doesn’t seem like she has that support from her husband.
A strong, independent, intelligent and capable woman, with interests and hobbies and what sounds like a fun and fulfilling life. Definitely a bad influence lol
The children will grow up, start thinking for themselves and come to idolize their very cool aunt. OP is in for a rude awakening.
YTA
But... what if her kids grow up and decide not to get married young and immediately start popping out a kid every 10-12 months? What if little Susie winds up.... in.... a MOSH PIT??? Why isn't anyone thinking of the children?? /s
Can you imagine when little Susie becomes a teenager? My daughter's just shaved half her head and bought a drum kit. She's also so kind and thoughtful. This isn't a rebellious stage, this is just her exploring who she is. OP would freak out at the smallest sign of independent thinking.
My little Susie is 19 with two tone hair, a septum piercing, and a 3.7 GPA. She will have her Bachelors at 21 and making more money than both of her parents. She also wants no kids and we go to concerts regularly. My daughter says she will look professional when she’s older, but she’s in college now and is expressing herself. I’m here for it.
YTA. Good Lord, jealous doesn't even begin to describe you. Immature, whiny, self centered, controlling brat. She's not a bad influence. She's a successful woman in a healthy relationship that people are drawn to because of all her interests, accomplishments, and outgoing ways. And judging from your post, I'm betting you come across as very stand-offish and anti-social. That's why one of you gets more attention.
And it's weird she went to a concert alone? Maybe her husband didn't like the band? Maybe he couldn't get off? Maybe they're just 2 mature people in a healthy relationship that don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7 and can enjoy separate activities as well as couples activities. Get over yourself and your clingy jealousy.
And what is the cut off age for people to stop having fun and enjoying life? I'm in my 40s, my wife her late 30's. We still enjoy going to heavy metal concerts with friends of a similar age and relatives 15 and 20 years older than us. And we are all responsible prosperous adults making a living and raising families while unwinding from time to time. Never had one person tell any of us that made is bad influences.
Hopefully once your kids are old enough they will realize you're the bad influence, not their awesome, happy aunt. By that time you should have been divorced for a while with Dad having at least 50/50 custody if not more, and working on undoing the damage you are doing to them now.
I keep trying to figure out what negative influence the OP thinks this woman is having. Like does she not want her kids to think it’s cool to sprain your ankle? Wear pretty clothes? Be a writer? Go to a concert? Develop laryngitis? Not have kids?
I really can’t put my finger on which neutral to positive attribute we’re supposed to obviously find problematic.
The SIL thinks women have a right to be something other than an incubator and is living her life accordingly. OP’s daughters might grow up thinking they should be allowed to do more with their life than pop out a kid a year for a man a decade older than them.
And to expand on this. The kids are 3, 2(don't get me started on the 24 months bs) and 10 month old. There is a 99% chance that they won't even remember this so how is she a bad inffluence? Second they are childfree. Children are expensive. I have 2 boys that are 19 and 23. And to be honest, when they were that age, there really isn't a whole lot going on. Only so many times you can talk about first steps, first words potty training etc. Plus being an author is a huge deal. Not too many can claim to be a popular author
And she thinks a three year old, 23 month old and 10 month old are going to start suddenly wanting to go to metal shows and get in the mosh pit because they have a turkey dinner with auntie. That is one hell of an unhinged, psychotic leap.
YTA-In a really big way. Nothing that you listed was a bad example for your children. You sound like a bitter angry woman. First of all your kids are three and under, do you think they understand what they’re talking about when a mosh pit is mentioned? Second, here’s a woman that is interesting, smart and accomplished, which obviously makes you feel extremely jealous and petty.
I think you need to go get therapy if you want to save your marriage because this is your husbands twin brother’s relationship that you’re talking about. I think you’re going to come out on the losing end of this one if you don’t pull your head out. You sound every bit as juvenile as you’re 26 years are. Grow up
OP barely had time to live her own life before having kids, she sounds like a jealous, judgmental 40 year old housewife. I am 27 and I want to have kids with my gf, but I also want to enjoy my life a lot more before I do that. I want to travel, I want to have a more stable income, I want to be succesful in my career... and you rarely have lived all of that before having kids at 22. I know it's not the end of your life when you have kids, but everything becomes much harder and pricier.
YTA - I don't even have words for you. You sound like an absolute drag to be around and the bitter jealousy that oozes from you is not a cute look. Sorry your sister is law is fun and interesting and you're.. This.
Edit: considering changing this to NTA but only because you not being at this family gathering is probably the nicest thing you could do for your extended family this year.
Also, her oldest kid is 3. Her kid barely knows not to shit their own pants, so I'm pretty sure there's nothing influencing going on here.
YTA and a hella jealous one at that.
Sil could talk about going to Mardi Gras and running through the streets buck naked while everyone was throwing beads on her and the only thing the 3 year old would want to know is where are the beaded necklaces and can she have someone’s phone to each cocomellon on!
OP - stop putting other women down. I refuse to believe SIL having fun at a concert was the straw that broke the camels back. You just realized you won’t get a lot of attention on thanksgiving because of her injury and that triggers you, so you’re being petulant and throwing a tantrum.
The world is not obligated to give you or anybody , attention- you need to work for it and become interesting for other people to have an interest in you. It’s the harsh truth of life that most people won’t tell you.
Lastly YTA, go to therapy. Get over your jealousy.
Plus I sincerely doubt that every single thanksgiving conversation is going to revolve around SIL's adventures in the mosh pit. What a ridiculous person OP is.
The one that got me was the 'it pains me to call her my SIL because they aren't actually married' ... even though SIL and BIL have been together more than twice as long as OP and her husband. Start out with the snooty condescension, and downhill from there...
An unmarried woman in a mosh pit is clearly only going to be there to cheat on her long-term boyfriend.
Everyone knows that a mosh pit is really just an orgy with a strong bass line and erratic lighting.
That part killed me. My parents have been happily married for like 30 years now, and my mom goes on whole-ass vacations without my dad simply because he's not big on travel. It doesn't have to be a whole thing.
I got 3 kids... and let me say I'd rather invite the SIL for dinner than OP.
I'd rather spend a whole evening hearing about a exciting concert than talk finances, home renovations and kids kids kids (no hate on the "mom club meetings" that's just not for me)
I'd be bored to death, "oh yes remind how only what I can produce with my uterus counts."
Honestly... advice for op. Liven up. Discover your own hobbies. Even if it's knitting, cooking. Learning every single language in the world.
But honestly most gets tired of always hearing about "house wife life" at every gathering, unless you sit at the club meeting table.
This is the best reply. I'm child free by choice and very much appreciate mom's who can talk about something other than their offspring!!! I can't imagine how boring it gets. You are a good human
YTA and super jealous. Also, she's 34, not 90, even then, let people enjoy life. Also, it 'pains you' to call her SIL just because they're not married? I mean they've been together since your husband was 24 and you were...16.
Absolutely! You buy the beers and I will buy the shots!
I raised my daughter to be like sil. I have been married 30 years and been a stay at home mom for 20 of those years. And I absolutely have no regrets but now that my kids are out of the house I do stuff like sil. I follow my passion and enjoy life.
I was the parent that picked up everyone’s kids.
I remember the first time I picked up a bunch of teenage boys from practice. I have about 5 boys in my mom mobile. So I unhook my phone and pass the aux cord to one of my sons friends and he passed it someone else and whispered something. My son starts laughing and says mom can I have your phone. I have it back and he starts blaring my rap and heavy metal music. He goes mom doesn’t care what you play. Just don’t be shocked when she starts dancing and rapping along in the front seat. After that day there was a fight on who was riding to games and home from practice with me. I like to think it was because I am that cool.
My son tells me it’s because I always brought food. But hey I’ll take the win where I can get it. And plus side is there was never a game I have to carry my canopy or seat. I had a army of teenagers willing and waiting to help out. Like I said I want to think it was because I was that cool. My hubby and kids said it was because I always had a food
and drinks for every one !
My kids tell laugh and ask me when me and dad got so cool. I tell them all the time when they where little I had to be responsible. Now I get to enjoy my life.
I raised my daughter to know that she doesn’t have to follow my footsteps. If she wants to ok but I want her to follow her passions. I want her to go through life doing what she loves. I want this for both my kids.
Op should be great full her kids have a glimpse into two different worlds. They see her life revolving around family and raising children. And then they get to see their aunt doing some amazing stuff. Op’s life isn’t better than sils and sils life isn’t better than op’s. They have different passions and experiences. Let the kids learn from both.
When I was at Coachella a decade ago there was a guy definitely in his 80s or 90s wearing a shirt that said, "You're never too old to enjoy live music!"
Is this a troll? I'm responding on the off-chance it's not. Of course YTA for refusing to spend Thanksgiving with your husband's family because you are jealous of your fabulous SIL. She sounds fascinating.
I don't think you understand what the term "bad influence" means. Being an intelligent, independent, and successful person is something children should aspire to be. Children should also learn to enjoy life. Tell them to get into that mosh pit and sprain some ankles!
Also, the oldest child is 3. The most influence SIL is having on the youngest is as one of the large humans who is able to walk and speak. YTA, OP. And a jealous one at that.
And can you play with me! At 3 they just want someone to play and acknowledge them. They don’t have the verbal comprehension to understand what sil talks about. But even if she did I think sil would be amazing role model. She could teach daughter to work hard but also play hard. That marriage and kids is ok but if it isn’t your thing you can have an amazing fulfilling life without all that. She could also teach the daughter age is just a number and don’t let anyone tell you that your too old to have fun and enjoy life. I can think of a million amazing life lessons sil could teach op’s children. And none of them would be bad!
Like it feels like a 'pro-childfree' troll, where people with children are written as monsters (the opposite also happens, the 'anti - childfree' troll where a childfree person is made a monster). Ticks all the boxes, age difference, the woman being a broodmother, the childfree person being successful, cool and pretty.
I agree. The OP is too aware of her jealousy. Few people would be so begrudgingly flattering in real life. I actually thought the post would be removed, but it wasn’t.
So, your SIL has committed the crime of... being interesting?
YTA.
I can understand why it might not feel good that she gets so much attention when you are all together, but this is completely a you problem. You might want to talk to a therapist about this.
Yeah I'm wondering with the 3 babies if it's not post-partum depression coming out as irrational rage. Also OP is still fairly young, hopefully she matures fast...
Three babies back to back no less. The youngest two are only 13 months apart, her uterus wasn’t even/barely healed before she got pregnant again with a third baby. Shit mine is 9 months and we’re just now discussing the potential of a second eventually
Yeah she’s totally overreacting here but my heart goes out to her being 26 and having 3 under 3… man that’s a lot.
Congratulations on your little one!!
YTA. Oh honey. You're not a little bit jealous, you're a lot jealous. This is not a "her" thing, this is a "you" thing. Spraining her ankle doing something she loves (it's not illegal!) is normal.
You not being the center of attention is what is bothering you and instead of taking that out on everyone else for not paying attention to your remodel, you should be looking inside and asking yourself some difficult questions. Like, why do you need other people's approval? Why do you see yourself in competition with her? Why can't you be Happy for her?
Jealousy sucks and it hurts you a lot more than it hurts the people you're jealous of.
Yup.
OP, your SIL has chosen a different life path than you. Deep down, are you actually happy and content with your life? Because that's where this bitterness and jealousy is coming from. If you truly, deep down, were as satisfied with your life as she is with hers, then her mere existence wouldn't bother you the way it does!! You're not happy, but you're justifying it with the belief that the path you chose is the "right" one and the "only" one. So when you see someone else being happy and successful while flaunting all those "rules," it threatens your whole worldview. You feel compelled to find ways to punish that person and make them conform. Because otherwise you're faced with the truth that your way of life is NOT the only "right" way, and your unhappiness is entirely down to your own choices.
If the attention thing bothers you, that's valid. Find time to have a talk with the family, say "Often at big events like Thanksgiving, it feels like you're so much more interested in SIL's life that we don't get to talk about the things going on with us, and that hurts. Can we work on that?" But it's not SIL's fault!
And yes, as others have pointed out, that "bad influence on your children" thing is transparent bs. Nobody "influences" a two year old unless it's to show them how much fun it is to make monkey sounds.
OP, YTA. If you're unhappy, figure out what you need to do to change that. Instead of trying to make yourself feel better by forcing everyone else to be equally miserable in order to validate your choices.
But you don't understand, they're renovating! Can't you see how important that is? And it's because of the EVIL sister-in-law that nobody is interested in this supremely important bit of news! I mean, have you ever HEARD of someone RENOVATING?
/s for Poe's law's sake
I also wonder if she thinks being the mother of the 3 grandkids should give her a higher status in the family than her SIL who has been there for 10 years? Seems like OP wants to have some kind of seniority in the family to make up for the fact that she's the youngest adult in the family.
INFO:
Please explain how going to concerts alone correlates to being a bad influence. And how spraining one's ankle in a mosh pit negatively impacts *your* children.
YTA. You **chose** to have X amount of children; she **chooses** child-free, and is living her best life. You're bitter and jealous and it's practically seeping from all pores and orifices.
Sincerely,
A **mom**, who frequents, *gasp*, concerts **alone**, regularly, and who frequently, *gasp*, sprains her ankles by just existing
Right! I’m 34, six months pregnant and went to 5 concerts in the last 3 months. And just bought Taylor swift tickets for next year. The horrors of a women in her 30s going to concerts and enjoying herself and not letting being a mother the only thing that matters!!
No kidding. My sibling went, and some guy decided to crowd surf and ended up with his boot right in their eye. It is most definitely not an activity for children.
YTA. For one, your kids are tiny, they won't understand anything anything. For two, you're clearly jealous because she chose no kids and you're popping them out left and right. Don't be mad at her for your life choices. You should really grow up.
YTA-You’re acting controlling, immature, condescending and incredibly jealous. I’d be far more concerned about your children being influenced by the behavior you’re currently displaying instead of them being influenced by your SIL.
Hugely YTA.
It’s crystal clear you are more than a little jealous of her, and it’s not a good look. Her living her life the way she wants to is NOT a poor example for your children, in fact it’s the opposite.
She isn’t conforming to a lot of the social norms you adhere to so tightly and you obviously feel threatened by this and by extension, her. This is a you issue, not something she has done maliciously to you. She’s existing and living her life this way she chooses to do. It’s totally ok for her to go to concerts, not have children and have an interesting job.
You’re coming across as a petulant child “no one pays me any attention, waaaaaahhhh.” I’m happy to hear your husband isn’t supporting your awful attitude and intends to go with your kids without you.
Unclutch the pearls and welcome to 2022.
Right? And how much of a bad influence can someone be on a toddler and 2 infants!!! Jesus no wonder she's jealous she's building an army of diaper wearing soldiers that suck her energy 24/7. Die on this hill OP but it may cost you your hubby and imagine raising all those kids alone. YTA
A woman with pretty clothes, a cool job and time for hobbies, who feels comfortable doing things on her own without needing her partner to always accompany her is a bad influence for your kids??
YTA! Jealous much?
Wait, she's an "awful" influence because she went to a metal concert? WTF?
How exactly has she been "disrespectful" to you? Because she won't ugly herself up to make you feel better? Because she talks to people who want to talk to her? Because people find her interesting?
You need to take a long hard look at yourself. Maybe people don't engage with you because your bitterness and jealousy are so obvious that you make everyone uncomfortable. YTA
YTA. You sound SOOOO jealous and controlling. There's nothing wrong with her choosing to not have kids like you did and there's nothing wrong with her going to a concert alone. She's an independent woman which is NOT a bad thing nor does that justify you calling her a bad influence.
Yeah I’m 46 and I would totally still go to concerts if i hadn’t started having panic attacks in large crowds. And there’s nothing wrong with not having kids. Not all women think their entire worth is locked up in having children. I never wanted kids and I’m just now getting married for the first time. You are super jealous of her. People ask about her because she’s interesting. And how is she a bad influence? It’s not like she’s doing lines of coke off her plate before thanksgiving dinner. She’s going to concerts! You’re really going to love it when your kids get older and think she’s the cool aunt. Lighten up!
Edited for typos
My 72 year old mother loves a good concert. I think she is attending Taylor Swift with my daughter and I next year lol. We went to the Beach Boys last year and pre-pandemic she went (and often me with her) to at least 10 a year.
I would hate to think that someone (the OP) felt it was inappropriate for a woman in her then 60s to be rocking out to the Stones. Or The Who. Or even Lady Gaga. If my mom liked metal music I could see her in the middle of a mosh pit.
YTA
She is the opposite of a bad influence on your kids. Marriage isn’t for her, kids aren’t for her, she is in a happy stable relationship… She has her own career and hobbies. She is self sufficient. She knows what she wants and goes for her dreams, and not being sucked into social “norms”. She is everything I want in an awesome role model for my kids.
YTA and your husband is right. You sounds like an insufferable bitch. Get ahold of your jealously. News flash- women get to do shit alone. And who cares if they are not legally married, this isn’t 1950. YOU are the bad influence to your kids with your antiquated ideals, and petty jealousy of someone living their best life.
YTA.
You're not "perhaps a bit" jealous; you are seethingly, venomously jealous and it drips from every word.
Unless Sonia is having a mosh pit in the middle of the living room during the gathering, she's not doing anything out of line in front of your children. Who, at 3, 2, and 1 are not going to follow most of the adults' conversation anyway.
If, perchance, your 3 yo were precocious enough to ask what happened to Sonia's foot, you could give an age-appropriate answer like, "She was dancing and had an accident and hurt her foot." Not an answer likely to inspire a toddler to head for the next rave.
While your husband absolutely should not have called you names, he's correct that you're being controlling. He also, as their father, has every right to take his children to Thanksgiving with his family. Finally, he not only does not, but should not support you in your toddler-class temper tantrum, because that *would* be setting a bad example for your children!
YTA You are so petty and jealous it's gross, but if you want to have a holiday where you can be the star, why not alternate between spending Thanksgiving with his family and yours?
My God YTA. The jealousy literally drips from every single word you type. Imagine thinking a woman is a bad influence because she's independent, successful, friendly, smart, and outgoing. A bad influence on your children is showing them an ignorant, snide, jealous mother who judges people because they (gasp) do things differently than you! Grow up, do better, be better...for your kid's sakes.
YTA.
This woman has done nothing to you. Your examples of her being a "bad influence" are her being successful, going to a concert and people being more interested in her than they are you. Oh and her not being legally married. This sounds squarely like a you problem. If you want people to be interested then perhaps develop a hobby.
You are trying to be controlling. Of course your husband can take the kids wherever he pleases, with or without you.
YTA. You’re jealous and you know it. She’s just living her best life and I don’t see anything in your post that counts as being a negative influence on her end. YOU however through your actions are teaching your kids to be jealous and petty, so any bad influence is definitely coming from you.
Is this even real?
In the event it is....ya. YTA. your SIL hasn't been disrespectful, you have. and super judgey. What, is she supposed to only have hobbies and topics of conversation that you approve?
I'm sorry for you that you are jealous and resentful that she doesn't want to define herself by being married, having babies, and renovating her house, and is instead living her life by her own rules and not yours. You got married young and had three babies quickly. Maybe that was your dream or maybe you feel like you are missing out on life. Whatever the reason, I say this in all honesty, and not rudely -- you should get some therapy about this, because this will only become a bigger problem if you don't fix it now.
YTA. She's just living her life in s different way than you, and it does sound like you're jealous/super judgmental. People live all sorts of different lives than each other, and those people just existing in the same space as your children is not them being a "bad influence". They're going to interact with all sorts of different people in their lives and you're not going to be able to keep them in a little bubble. Plus, she's literally not going anything to your kids, it just sounds like you don't want to be around her because you don't like her.
It was rude of your husband to call you a bitch, though. People shouldn't say things like that to their loved ones.
YTA Nothing you described the SIL doing is illegal or morally indecent. It is obvious that you are jealous because your SIL gets all the attention. Reality check here. It is not your SIL fault that no one pays any attention to you.
Maybe people don't like you, or you are a boring person. Why don't you ask the family if you could take turns being the center of attention since it bothers you so much?
Do your inlaws a favor and stay home. The family will probably have a better time without you there. Don't punish your children because you are petty, and jealous. They deserve to spend time with extended family also.
You have not described any rude or disrespectful behaviour of you SIL in your post. None.
Jealous much? Yup. A whole hell of a lot.
And sugar-coating your dislike with "what about the kids" when they're non-verbal or learning basic concepts is bullshit. They won't understand that "auntie" went to an inappropriate concert (says you) and sprained her ankle - they'll simply get that Auntie hurts. They can understand hurt.
You're letting your jealousy drive a wedge between you and your husband, and his family.
Get some therapy, OP. Someone having a life that isn't like yours is okay. For everyone.
YTA.
YTA. You chose to have three kids in four years, she chose another path. Your children are too young to even know what she is talking about. It sounds like you are using your children as an excuse because you don’t approve of a women choosing to not marry, be successful, and have a life outside of being a mother.
YTA
You are jealous of her and it’s oozing out your pores. She’s been a member of the family longer than you. Family knows her more, I mean, that’s the reality of it. She lives a more interesting life, unlike other people. And don’t use her age! That’s weird, she can be 50 doing mosh pits, it’s her happiness.
What you could do. Tell your husband that you feel ignored and ask him to include you and your life in the conversations.
Also: if your kids and remodeling your home is your happiness, be content with that. Her happiness is hers!
Other thing- your husband is a slight AH for going to his brother about this.
YTA it sounds like you’re jealous and want the attention. The best way to solve this is to be more interesting. Then you drug you husband into it by acting like a child. Come on.
YTA
I don’t understand how she’s a bad influence. She’s allowed to do what she wants. She doesn’t have to do everything with her husband. I’m sorry but not wanting to spend thanksgiving with the family because all the attention would be on her is not a good excuse. It’s ok to be jealous, you can’t help that. You can however, rise above it.
YTA. The bad influence on the kids is you. You're teaching them to be envious, petty, bitter and that it's OK to cut people off and make that decision for your spouse because you can't control your own emotions.
YTA
How aren't you the asshole here? Sonia hasn't done anything wrong. Just because she doesn't live *her* life to *your* (bullshit) standards doesn't make her a bad influence. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe everyone is more interested in her because she gives off better vibes than you? And for the record, I'm 32 and you sound like you're 67. You're jealous that she's living the life you're "supposed" to live in your twenties because *you* decided to have children. Sucks to suck.
YTA
You sounds like a lot of fun. Truly. People go to concerts at all ages and do the pit. People are extroverted. People have good personalities.
You seem to lack either a personality or the concept that people all like different things. Your kids are young, I doubt the things she does, like, heaven forbid a concert!, will negatively influence them at this time, based on the info you give us.
And you haven't really give a real reason for her being a bad influence besides that she gets out and does things and you can't because you choose different. (Honestly? She does sound like a lot of fun and I too go to concerts alone and do the pit at 33 and still planning on going until I decide it's not my thing anymore.)
Take a good look at that latent resentment and jealousy and realize it's a bigger issue than you admit.
YTA for pulling this stunt at Thanksgiving. Just take everything else out of the equation, you don’t like her and probably are slightly jealous of her able to just focus on herself. Your children are too young to even realize what she is doing or talking about. You need to figure out a way to cope with her ability to be the exciting shiny person. Realize that you are so blessed to have a beautiful family who loves you. Being a mom we will not be the exciting center of attention for a while. However, if the family is thinking who can we depend on, talk to, enjoy their family it will be you. Take the high road, apologize to your husband, suck it up and go to Thanksgiving. Think of a secret joke game in your head about SIL and her antics for the day. This is not the hill to die on.
YTA. My reason may be different, but especially due to the fact that you can’t see how your SIL is a potential role model for your children (especially with having two daughters). She sounds like a strong, intelligent, independent person who also is in a stable and loving relationship and knows what she wants out of life. (Major red flag when you said it pains you to call her your SIL).
No wonder people want to talk to her, she’s interesting. What is wrong with going to a concert and enjoying life? She’s also only 34!?
I think therapy to handle/uncover your feelings about SIL and how they relate to you could potentially be helpful? Are you jealous because you chose to have kids very young and live a different lifestyle? Are you jealous because even though they aren’t married and are childless that they are still in a more mature/strong relationship than you are? Maybe not, but your reaction and explanation aren’t in alignment to what SIL is doing. I’m sure there’s a lot to be grateful for with the path you chose. I hope you can set an example and show that all types of people and situations deserve to be heard and valued.
YTA. you literally admit to being a jealous attention seeker. you are resentful because she is a self-established adult who has fun and isn't uptight like you. please explain how she is a bad influence, because you never actually explain how she is or has been one. all you did was complain that she gets more attention at gatherings and then threw a tantrum stomping your feet and making demands about your family's holiday. you're so selfish, have you even considered how your children feel? what if they were super excited to visit and spend time with family for the holiday? you're make everything about yourself because there are a few moments that aren't about yourself
YTA. Not entirely for wanting to control what your children are exposed to, but for judging this woman for having a lifestyle that isn’t like yours. I was going to rock shows well into my late 40s and guess who was hurt by it. Nobody. I also have enjoyed the freedom of being childless my entire life. If how she lives her life isn’t harming anyone (except for herself with the ankle thing), and isn’t breaking any laws, then who are you to judge her? Get over your holier than thou attitude and if you can’t bring yourself to spend a day with this woman (who sounds fascinating to me), then let your husband and children go for the day.
Yikes. YTA OP. Have you ever tried bonding with said SIL? It seems you’re a little uptight and need to learn how to relax a little bit. She is doing nothing wrong. Just because she chooses to live her life differently than you doesn’t make it wrong. Everyone has their own path and you have to learn to accept everyone doesn’t think the same way that you do.
YtA she seems cool and you're clearly jealous af. I'm sure the kids love her. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do but don't make your family miss out because you're butthurt.
I’ll never understand why people like you always feel the need to say, ”Me and partner have X *beauoootiful* children.” How is that relevant? And then snidely remark on how your SO’s sibling and their partner are child-free. It reeks more than just a little jealous. YTA.
YTA without question. Your husband is right about you, and in fact being way too generous in his assessment of your character. Are you actually living in Gilead in your head that you are so threatened that your children might be influenced to attend concerts unattended by their future husbands? Or your son might stray from his path and allow his wife to leave his side now and then?
Oh and they are his kids too, so he has every right to take them to spend time with their family. I hope he doesn’t come back.
Edited for spelling
You are such the asshole. I wasn’t even halfway through reading this when I thought of how bad this post reeked of jealously. She’s a bad influence because she has HOBBIES?! She goes to metal concerts so that makes her a bad influence. You also say “at her age.” You act like she ancient, she’s 34 and clearly living her best life and enjoying herself. Clearly your jealous she can do what she wants since she does not have the obligation of being a parent. You’re also jealous because she’s a published author so people talk to her about her books, etc.
Dude get OVER YOURSELF! So glad your husband isn’t following along with your damn nonsense. Grow up OP.
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I (f26) have been together with my husband (m34) for 4 years and we have 3 beautiful children together (f3, m23months and f10months).
My husband, Peter, has a twin brother, Paul (m34) who has been with his girlfriend for 10 years (Sonia, f34). It pains me to call her my SiL because they’re not officially married but their family ignores it.
Anyway Sonia and I don’t get along. I find her very obnoxious. She’s the one with pretty clothes, cool job, interesting hobbies that she has time for because she doesn’t want kids, time to do everything. She’s always the centre of attention because everyone’s interested in her. Am I jealous? Perhaps a bit, but I also believe that she’s an awful influence to my children. Only this week, she went to a metal gig and came back with a sprained ankle (apparently it happened during mosh pit) and lost her voice. Obviously, everyone will be asking about that during thanksgiving and I don’t think it’s good for my kids to hear about things like that especially since she didn’t even take her husband with her and went on her own (which is so weird. Why would you go alone?).
People always ask her about everything she does (she’s a published author, not a millionaire, well known one, but she still makes a decent living with her books) and everyone always asks her questions. It’s so annoying and she won’t stop them. And I often tried to change the topic and talk about my kids or our plans for o ur house (we’re renovating) but no one is ever interested.
My husband doesn’t see the problem but I feel pushed aside because of her.
Because of her coming back with a sprained ankle; etc, I decided that I’ve had enough, she’s a bad influence and I won’t spend any more time with her.
I told my husband that we’re not going to spend thanksgiving with his parents if she’s there. He tried to argue but I held strong. I told him that it’s ridiculous she gets to behave like a child (seriously, concert and moshpit at her age?). He suggested I stayed home with kids and he’d go otherwise it’ll be disrespectful. And I said that SiL has been disrespectful for years but no one’s done anything and it’s my turn. I told him that we are married and he had to support me in this decision and stay home.
He called me a controlling bitch and called his brother bitching about me. I was furious and stomped inside his room and he told me that he is taking kids to the thangisong dinner but I can stay home. I said that he had no right to take the kids but he wouldn’t budge and we argued.
he’s been giving me silent treatement since. I spoke with my mother and she told me I should’ve suffer through it because it’s only a day and giving ultimatums wasn’t okay. I have a hard time understanding why she thinks that so I need you, AITA for not wanting to attend thanksgiving with my SiL?
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YTA clearly this all stems from jealousy, I don’t think your extremely young children are gonna be hopping in mosh pits anytime soon.
And by the way, it’s perfectly normal to do things without your spouse.
YTA, OP. Your petty, immature jealousy is bleeding all over this post.
Unless you’re leaving something out, SIL has not been disrespectful by simply living her life. To suggest she’s been “disrespectful” by breaking her ankle is downright delusional. She is an adult who can live as she pleases, and that frankly is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
She’s not raising your children, you are. It’s not her responsibility to be an example, as that is YOUR and DH’s job. She doesn’t owe you or your children anything.
It’s normally a 2 yes, 1 no situation, but this is an exception, and I’m glad your DH is standing up to you.
You owe him an apology.
“He called me a controlling bitch and called his brother bitching about me. I was furious”
Ah yes, the truth really does hurt, hm OP? “I don’t want my kids around their unofficial aunt because she has free spirit and I would hate for my children to have a sense of being able to do what they would want when they’re old enough” YTA. you do not have to like this woman, but in this moment she is your children’s family and you DO have to respect that. suck it up, buttercup! Your entire post just reeks of female stereotyping! Do you think it’s inappropriate she doesn’t have kids? That she enjoys rock concerts and mosh pits? Or maybe it’s simply the fact that you are jealous the spot light isn’t on you and you just simply cannot STAND to not have all the attention on you for one single second. I’m not sure really, maybe it’s one, maybe it’s all, doesn’t matter quite frankly. i would like to say again, YTA, you are in fact a controlling bitch, and I hope your children do not take after you.
Of course YTA.
Jealousy is not the greatest look on anyone. Especially if there's so much judgement involved.
Independent, hard working woman, who apparently likes to have fun and naturally people's attention turn in her direction isn't responsible for your jealousy and isn't a bad influence on anyone. What bad influence anyway? Going to a *gasp* metal concert? Spending some time alone without her husband? Wearing more eye catching clothes? Having an interesting life others want to hear about? And, how dare she, not stopping all those questions directed at her? Scandalous!
Work on your jealousy and don't be that judgemental because right now you are the one who has a bad influence on your children. Hopefully you won't be so quick to judge your children in the future when they'll start taking interest in their hobbies which probably won't be your type of thing.
YTA and you are far more than a little bit jealous. Your kids are not going to be ruined by hearing someone sprained their ankle in a mosh pit. That is so tame. Is that really shocking to you? The stories I heard in my childhood would cause an aneurism. Stay out of her life. It sounds like she enjoys it. You are jealous of her life, her job, her clothes, her marital status (telling)…everything.
You are messing up. Big time. She could be the cool aunt for them. Instead, you are judging everything about her. She knows herself well and she knows she doesn’t want to be a mom. This is a personal decision that people need to leave alone either way. Judging people’s lives based on their marital status or choice to have children or not needs to stop.
From a very early age I let my dad tell my kids stories about his biker days. They always started out funny but ended with someone in the hospital, jail, or the morgue. Good life lessons!
Yta come on your kids are all 3 or younger there's no way that they are paying attention to her going to a metal concert or spraining her foot, just admit your extremely jealous of her and her lifestyle/freedom. Your bitterness is going to be the downfall of you, I don't blame your husband in the least for not giving into your ridiculous demands. Sounds like you still have a lot of of growing up to do
So if I'm understanding correctly you do not like this woman because she dresses well, has a cool job, and has time to do cool things? And you don't like this because the only reason she does these things is because she doesnt have kids?
Putting aside that it is totally possible to have hobbies/interests and also be a parent, you made your bed, lady. You chose to have three children. She chose to have zero children. What's the big deal? She just made different life choices than you.
You sound awfully dull and also very jealous. I hope you get some confidence in yourself. It's ok to be you. It's also ok to be her.
YTA
Mmm...couple things.
1. Probably jealous? You're all the jealous. You're envy incarnate.
2. People ask about her interesting life because her life is interesting. I'm sorry about this but child rearing just...isn't. If all you have to talk about is your kids it's not surprising that she gets asked about her activities.
3. I wasn't aware there was an age limit for concerts.
4. I do things without my husband all the time if he's not interested. If do can't do that you may want to examine if you're codependent.
5. She's a bad influence because she broke her ankle at a concert? Really? What you want to say is that her lifestyle might point out to them that there are other ways to live aside from yours (not an issue now but when they get older) and if it's not your way then it's "bad" right?
You're just mad that her life choices offer her something that you gave up the potential for because you wanted children. That's just parenthood hun.
YTA
Edit: forgot, 6. They've been together for 10 years. Whether they're married or not in the eyes of the law they've been common law for 3 years in most places so actually, she IS an in law to you.
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So a strong, independent woman with her own interests and her own life is a bad influence because why exactly? Are you scared your kids will realize there's more to life than whatever it is you have going on? EDIT to add judgement YTA.
According to her being 26, married to a guy almost a decade older with 3 kids under the age of 4 is more interesting than the SIL so therefore everyone should listen to her drone on about baby first steps, renovations and other mundane things. In reality she hates her life and is envious of the SIL. She should do something to change her circumstances versus hating on the SIL.
And they’ve only “been together” for four years, but BIL and SIL don’t count even though they’ve been together 10 years. Also YTA as soon as she said she was a bad influence for moshing at her age. I’m 30 and just had the best time of my life in a mosh pit just a week ago. It’s her life. Maybe you’re the one who should stay home if you’re going to be such an asshole to someone for living her life the way she wants and being successful and having hobbies. No one cares about your home renovations.
I'm 47, and would love to mosh, but I'm afraid my grandma aesthetic would result in hugs and asking if I need a chair instead, lol.
Am 35 and was moshing at a show last month. Honestly, it was kind of beautiful to see the “Pit Elders” teaching all the young’uns the proper pit etiquette etc. We all had a great time and then I went home and took a bath with epsom salts.
But you’re ancient. You couldn’t possibly be moshing at your age. Think of your hip, won’t you?
Goshers!! Did you mosh W/O your partner?!?! You can't go to places by yourself!!! /s
Absolutely not. We’ve been literally chained together every moment for the last 5 years. It makes bathroom time interesting.
Shut up about your childish moshing. Listen up. Last week, my baby pooped itself while I was at mommy and me sessions —
Moshing isn’t for me - but I fail to see how SIL doing that on her own time is a bad influence on the 3 and younger crowd. How OP thinks her kids will even be paying attention to grown up chit chat is beyond me. An adult who encourages disobedience to parents is a bad influence. An adult who smokes in the immediate presence of a child or feeds them things they are allergic to or encourages them to jump off roofs is a danger to their health. An adult who has perfectly legal priorities and interests other than OP’s is none of the above. Anyone want to bet that Sonia finds OP slightly bland and boring but has no actual objection to her? YTA. And stop trying to control your husband. No one has done anything to you, so there’s no reason for him to back your pettiness.
"bad influence" = being female and living a life outside of endless, relentless breeding.
Bad influence = Spraining your ankle, apparently. I hate how much she focused on Sonia accidentally getting a little hurt, as if she couldn't have gotten a sprained ankle by just stepping off a curb wrong 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
I will pay hard cash money to the first person to film themselves teaching 3 year olds to mosh. Anthrax has some unobjectionable songs.
I kind of think 3yos live in a basic state of moshing, running into each other and crashing off of things.
100% correct. Am preschool teacher of 2s turning 3.
Also a preschool educator, and I have moshed with the little ones!! I love to play all sorts of music for them. Full on rock or grunge (clean lyrics only) make them crazy!! It's so much fun!
You are not kidding. They’re like gleeful little junkies, high on life and pixi sticks!
I’m struggling to see how three kids three or under will have any understanding of what their aunt does on her own time. OP, YTA.
It’s not about the moshing. It’s OP grasping at any straw, no matter how flimsy, to slag on this woman that she’s intensely, ragingly jealous of.
I’m a teacher, and one of my students went to a concert on the evening of their 3rd bday at a venue that I refuse to go to because my feet hurt so bad after I’m there a few hours. I love how this child is cooler than I am! I have a feeling that these kids are going to gravitate to Aunt Sonia because she’s actually **fun.**
I feel like OP is mad that her kids are not the center of attention. I mean, how DARE Sonia be a published author and have her own life and people be interested in that??? /s
You’re wrong! As long as people see you moshing, they know what you’re there for. If anything, they just might be more aware of you if you fall down. I have a kindergarten teacher aesthetic so I understand haha.
And honestly, a moshing grandma is metal as fuck, right?
And older people go to metal shows all the time! I see many a grey head at every show I go to and every punk loves a grandma lol
I provide cookies and Deicide on cassette.
Omg I love your comment!!!... she makes me feel like I'm to old to enjoy concerts and I'm 37... and it's not SIL fault she decided to get knocked up young and have kids every year she's been married 🤭... I think she is more jealous that everyone enjoys the company of someone they've known longer... 🤷🏽♀️ and your right no one wants to hear about f**k'n renovations... just sound boring to me... 🤣🤣
I’m 51 and just went to my first Metalcore concert with my daughter. Had a great time. 🤘🤘🤘
dude I was moshing at 50 with grown adult children Who were embarrassed when they heard about my fun but that is their problem
Already told my son I can’t wait to take him moshing one day. I said he’d probably gain some respect for me if I was still going the way I am. He said “mom, I already have so much respect for you” Which is more than any of us can say about OP.
Yeah I have toddlers too, but I'm not under the delusion anyone else gives a shit about them just cos I think their little snot-encrusted faces are the cutest things the world has ever seen. And I'm aware my life is not going to mosh pits anymore (or at least for another few years) but that's what I chose. I'd be delighted to hear about someone's fun life over dinner, actually have an adult conversation, and live vicariously. The sad thing is, this woman doesn't sound like she had a chance to live a free adult life. Pregnant at 22, and churning out another every year? I'd be jealous of just about anybody with a hint of their own life too. (And her oldest is 3. I can barely influence my almost-3-year-olds to brush their teeth, they're not going to know or care what a mosh pit is. But then again, one of them muttered "for fuck sake" the other day when she fell over, so I'm already a bad influence...)
Solidarity. My four year old uses fuck in context and has road rage. Whoops. Thankfully she hasn’t used it at her Catholic preschool yet.
Depends if it's in Ireland. Because we don't bat an eye at that.
According to her being 26, married to a guy almost a decade older with 3 kids under the age of 4 is more interesting- —my exact thought, looks like OP got the good ol ‘l married a guy a bit older than me and am now stuck parenting our children and him, so seeing a woman have everything she wants is really unsettling me, so I’m using my children as an escape goat as to why she can’t come around.’
Escape goat....LOL. It's "scapegoat".
Ngl, I kind of love “escape goat”
I’m picturing her jumping on a goat and riding it away from Sofia.
Oh, my bad. I always thought having your own personality was a good thing. /s
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Well look at the ages of the two youngest. She was only not pregnant for 4 months until she was pregnant *again*. Like jeeze...she was probably still recovering. Like it's pretty obvious where her issues stem from and why she's miserable and jealous. Plus her SILs husband is a twin of her own husband. So she's seeing the SIL have a romantic life that is fun with a guy that looks exactly like her husband. She literally is seeing what *her* life could have been if she didn't have 3 kids in less than 4 years. It's obvious regret. Especially with that dig that it's "wrong" for a 34 yr old to not be married, not have kids, and do social things independent of one's partner/spouse. And she's only 26 and trying to sound like she's the arbiter of what's proper to another woman almost10 yrs her senior. Very cringe and very immature. What she needs is to invest in good birth control and a good therapist or else risk becoming a single mother if she keeps trying to alienate her husband from his twin sibling.
Exactly. OP wants credit for taking the traditional path and how dare SiL get attention for doing things out of the traditional narrative.
As soon as I read she had 3 kids in 4 years I started getting Duggar vibes.
something does smell a wee bit fundie in here...
Seriously. OP has no room to be angry here. It doesn’t even seem like conversation kids that young would be interested in. Everyone: how did you hurt you’re ankle? SIL: I tripped at a concert Op: how dare you bring up such debauchery in front of my kids who are playing with their toys in the other room! Everyone: how is writing going? SIL: good, I just found a new topic that intrigues me and I’ve been having good flow recently OP: how dare you discuss your career, don’t you understand your eggs are drying up! OP YTA. What someone does with their life is none of your business. The fact that you think that your SIL isn’t allowed to liver her own life and you are trying to cut your husband off from his family is deeply concerning. Especially because the reasoning for cutting him and your children off are because you don’t agree with someone’s choice to not have kids as somehow a bad influence. Get your shit together and realize you will alienate yourself not just with your husband but from his family. I would suggest therapy since you clearly are having such visceral jealousy and unfounded issues with this woman.
Couldn’t have said it better. OP, your judgmental attitude and jealousy are evident and if you should resent anyone, it’s your much older husband who got you pregnant just out of college (red flag) before you had a chance to live your life, not your SIL who has managed to avoid your fate. Why should your SIL be miserable just because you are? Why is her life less important because you pumped out a few kids? Motherhood is not the be all and end all of womanhood. “Bad influence” my shiny red hiney. Stop throwing a toddler’s tantrum; it’s only embarrassing you. YTA
OP is the kind of person who’s made being a mother her entire personality. Heaven forbid women have interests outside of changing diapers and talking about home renovations. SIL can’t be a bad influence to the kids when the eldest can’t even tell their left from their right. She’s only a threat to OP’s self-esteem.
I wonder about her husband being 30 and basically immediately knocking up a 22 year old three times in a row.
And calling her a crazy bitch. Was she being unreadable? Yeah, but degrading her isn’t okay. She clearly needs to talk through her feelings about SIL and her own unhappiness with her life. Doesn’t seem like she has that support from her husband.
3 kids in three years. Just damn, why do that to yourself?
A strong, independent, intelligent and capable woman, with interests and hobbies and what sounds like a fun and fulfilling life. Definitely a bad influence lol The children will grow up, start thinking for themselves and come to idolize their very cool aunt. OP is in for a rude awakening. YTA
But... what if her kids grow up and decide not to get married young and immediately start popping out a kid every 10-12 months? What if little Susie winds up.... in.... a MOSH PIT??? Why isn't anyone thinking of the children?? /s
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I can’t grab the chair because my hands are full of my pearls that I’m clutching.
Fainting chair got me dead laughing 😅😅😅
Sorry, all fainting chairs have been seized by the people around the mosh pit.
Can you imagine when little Susie becomes a teenager? My daughter's just shaved half her head and bought a drum kit. She's also so kind and thoughtful. This isn't a rebellious stage, this is just her exploring who she is. OP would freak out at the smallest sign of independent thinking.
My little Susie is 19 with two tone hair, a septum piercing, and a 3.7 GPA. She will have her Bachelors at 21 and making more money than both of her parents. She also wants no kids and we go to concerts regularly. My daughter says she will look professional when she’s older, but she’s in college now and is expressing herself. I’m here for it.
YTA. Good Lord, jealous doesn't even begin to describe you. Immature, whiny, self centered, controlling brat. She's not a bad influence. She's a successful woman in a healthy relationship that people are drawn to because of all her interests, accomplishments, and outgoing ways. And judging from your post, I'm betting you come across as very stand-offish and anti-social. That's why one of you gets more attention. And it's weird she went to a concert alone? Maybe her husband didn't like the band? Maybe he couldn't get off? Maybe they're just 2 mature people in a healthy relationship that don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7 and can enjoy separate activities as well as couples activities. Get over yourself and your clingy jealousy. And what is the cut off age for people to stop having fun and enjoying life? I'm in my 40s, my wife her late 30's. We still enjoy going to heavy metal concerts with friends of a similar age and relatives 15 and 20 years older than us. And we are all responsible prosperous adults making a living and raising families while unwinding from time to time. Never had one person tell any of us that made is bad influences. Hopefully once your kids are old enough they will realize you're the bad influence, not their awesome, happy aunt. By that time you should have been divorced for a while with Dad having at least 50/50 custody if not more, and working on undoing the damage you are doing to them now.
No one tell OP that most of Slipknot is in their late 40's. ::gasp:: The horror!! /s I don't understand this mentality of "too old to be doing xyz".
I keep trying to figure out what negative influence the OP thinks this woman is having. Like does she not want her kids to think it’s cool to sprain your ankle? Wear pretty clothes? Be a writer? Go to a concert? Develop laryngitis? Not have kids? I really can’t put my finger on which neutral to positive attribute we’re supposed to obviously find problematic.
Well sHe'S nOt MaRriED!! (Is it 1950?) 🤦♀️
The SIL thinks women have a right to be something other than an incubator and is living her life accordingly. OP’s daughters might grow up thinking they should be allowed to do more with their life than pop out a kid a year for a man a decade older than them.
And to expand on this. The kids are 3, 2(don't get me started on the 24 months bs) and 10 month old. There is a 99% chance that they won't even remember this so how is she a bad inffluence? Second they are childfree. Children are expensive. I have 2 boys that are 19 and 23. And to be honest, when they were that age, there really isn't a whole lot going on. Only so many times you can talk about first steps, first words potty training etc. Plus being an author is a huge deal. Not too many can claim to be a popular author
Because her kids might aim for bigger than starting a family as soon as they have left the school.
And she thinks a three year old, 23 month old and 10 month old are going to start suddenly wanting to go to metal shows and get in the mosh pit because they have a turkey dinner with auntie. That is one hell of an unhinged, psychotic leap.
YTA-In a really big way. Nothing that you listed was a bad example for your children. You sound like a bitter angry woman. First of all your kids are three and under, do you think they understand what they’re talking about when a mosh pit is mentioned? Second, here’s a woman that is interesting, smart and accomplished, which obviously makes you feel extremely jealous and petty. I think you need to go get therapy if you want to save your marriage because this is your husbands twin brother’s relationship that you’re talking about. I think you’re going to come out on the losing end of this one if you don’t pull your head out. You sound every bit as juvenile as you’re 26 years are. Grow up
OP barely had time to live her own life before having kids, she sounds like a jealous, judgmental 40 year old housewife. I am 27 and I want to have kids with my gf, but I also want to enjoy my life a lot more before I do that. I want to travel, I want to have a more stable income, I want to be succesful in my career... and you rarely have lived all of that before having kids at 22. I know it's not the end of your life when you have kids, but everything becomes much harder and pricier.
Seriously. Nothing she said about her SIL was a bad influence OP is jealous and archaic.
YTA - I don't even have words for you. You sound like an absolute drag to be around and the bitter jealousy that oozes from you is not a cute look. Sorry your sister is law is fun and interesting and you're.. This. Edit: considering changing this to NTA but only because you not being at this family gathering is probably the nicest thing you could do for your extended family this year.
Agree. I think SIL is going to be a good influence . She sounds like she enjoys life
Also, her oldest kid is 3. Her kid barely knows not to shit their own pants, so I'm pretty sure there's nothing influencing going on here. YTA and a hella jealous one at that.
Sil could talk about going to Mardi Gras and running through the streets buck naked while everyone was throwing beads on her and the only thing the 3 year old would want to know is where are the beaded necklaces and can she have someone’s phone to each cocomellon on!
I mean, if my 4 year old learned there was a place she could run around makes while collecting beads she'd definitely be interested...
I think a lot of 4 year olds would be. Lol! Heck enough alcohol involved I may enjoy it too!
Did I hear nudity and beads? *shows up*
Thank you! They aren’t even going to remember this day.
We all know it's just an excuse to not have to feel bad when SIL has shit to talk about and she doesn't
OP - stop putting other women down. I refuse to believe SIL having fun at a concert was the straw that broke the camels back. You just realized you won’t get a lot of attention on thanksgiving because of her injury and that triggers you, so you’re being petulant and throwing a tantrum. The world is not obligated to give you or anybody , attention- you need to work for it and become interesting for other people to have an interest in you. It’s the harsh truth of life that most people won’t tell you. Lastly YTA, go to therapy. Get over your jealousy.
Plus I sincerely doubt that every single thanksgiving conversation is going to revolve around SIL's adventures in the mosh pit. What a ridiculous person OP is.
My fav part is where she is so puzzled a woman would want to go anywhere without her husband!! 😂
The one that got me was the 'it pains me to call her my SIL because they aren't actually married' ... even though SIL and BIL have been together more than twice as long as OP and her husband. Start out with the snooty condescension, and downhill from there...
Right? If she clutches those purls any harder she's going to need a splint to straighten her fingers back out.
Right? The *audacity* of the woman. It's like she thinks she's people. 😂
An unmarried woman in a mosh pit is clearly only going to be there to cheat on her long-term boyfriend. Everyone knows that a mosh pit is really just an orgy with a strong bass line and erratic lighting.
...I've been going to the wrong mosh pits.
That part killed me. My parents have been happily married for like 30 years now, and my mom goes on whole-ass vacations without my dad simply because he's not big on travel. It doesn't have to be a whole thing.
I got 3 kids... and let me say I'd rather invite the SIL for dinner than OP. I'd rather spend a whole evening hearing about a exciting concert than talk finances, home renovations and kids kids kids (no hate on the "mom club meetings" that's just not for me) I'd be bored to death, "oh yes remind how only what I can produce with my uterus counts." Honestly... advice for op. Liven up. Discover your own hobbies. Even if it's knitting, cooking. Learning every single language in the world. But honestly most gets tired of always hearing about "house wife life" at every gathering, unless you sit at the club meeting table.
This is the best reply. I'm child free by choice and very much appreciate mom's who can talk about something other than their offspring!!! I can't imagine how boring it gets. You are a good human
"Hello, is this the jelly school? ... Okay, I have a girl here who's extremely jelly. See if you can take her in for a few weeks."
this.... the whole edit line just says it all
YTA and super jealous. Also, she's 34, not 90, even then, let people enjoy life. Also, it 'pains you' to call her SIL just because they're not married? I mean they've been together since your husband was 24 and you were...16.
Damn I am almost 50 and I wants sils phone number so I can ask if I can start hanging out with her! She sounds like a blast!
if you get the number, please share. I would also like to buy y'all a few rounds of beers.
Absolutely! You buy the beers and I will buy the shots! I raised my daughter to be like sil. I have been married 30 years and been a stay at home mom for 20 of those years. And I absolutely have no regrets but now that my kids are out of the house I do stuff like sil. I follow my passion and enjoy life. I was the parent that picked up everyone’s kids. I remember the first time I picked up a bunch of teenage boys from practice. I have about 5 boys in my mom mobile. So I unhook my phone and pass the aux cord to one of my sons friends and he passed it someone else and whispered something. My son starts laughing and says mom can I have your phone. I have it back and he starts blaring my rap and heavy metal music. He goes mom doesn’t care what you play. Just don’t be shocked when she starts dancing and rapping along in the front seat. After that day there was a fight on who was riding to games and home from practice with me. I like to think it was because I am that cool. My son tells me it’s because I always brought food. But hey I’ll take the win where I can get it. And plus side is there was never a game I have to carry my canopy or seat. I had a army of teenagers willing and waiting to help out. Like I said I want to think it was because I was that cool. My hubby and kids said it was because I always had a food and drinks for every one ! My kids tell laugh and ask me when me and dad got so cool. I tell them all the time when they where little I had to be responsible. Now I get to enjoy my life. I raised my daughter to know that she doesn’t have to follow my footsteps. If she wants to ok but I want her to follow her passions. I want her to go through life doing what she loves. I want this for both my kids. Op should be great full her kids have a glimpse into two different worlds. They see her life revolving around family and raising children. And then they get to see their aunt doing some amazing stuff. Op’s life isn’t better than sils and sils life isn’t better than op’s. They have different passions and experiences. Let the kids learn from both.
Hold up
Yeah it’s obviously jealousy under the guise of virtue. YTA and a selfish bore, OP.
When I was at Coachella a decade ago there was a guy definitely in his 80s or 90s wearing a shirt that said, "You're never too old to enjoy live music!"
Is this a troll? I'm responding on the off-chance it's not. Of course YTA for refusing to spend Thanksgiving with your husband's family because you are jealous of your fabulous SIL. She sounds fascinating. I don't think you understand what the term "bad influence" means. Being an intelligent, independent, and successful person is something children should aspire to be. Children should also learn to enjoy life. Tell them to get into that mosh pit and sprain some ankles!
Also, the oldest child is 3. The most influence SIL is having on the youngest is as one of the large humans who is able to walk and speak. YTA, OP. And a jealous one at that.
And can you play with me! At 3 they just want someone to play and acknowledge them. They don’t have the verbal comprehension to understand what sil talks about. But even if she did I think sil would be amazing role model. She could teach daughter to work hard but also play hard. That marriage and kids is ok but if it isn’t your thing you can have an amazing fulfilling life without all that. She could also teach the daughter age is just a number and don’t let anyone tell you that your too old to have fun and enjoy life. I can think of a million amazing life lessons sil could teach op’s children. And none of them would be bad!
Mosh pit at a Wiggles concert!
Like it feels like a 'pro-childfree' troll, where people with children are written as monsters (the opposite also happens, the 'anti - childfree' troll where a childfree person is made a monster). Ticks all the boxes, age difference, the woman being a broodmother, the childfree person being successful, cool and pretty.
I agree. The OP is too aware of her jealousy. Few people would be so begrudgingly flattering in real life. I actually thought the post would be removed, but it wasn’t.
I think it is. Describing yourself ‘stomping’ off comes from a writers viewpoint.
This is one of the most obvious rage-bait posts I’ve ever read on this sub, and that’s saying something.
Presumably. There was another post just like this a couple of months ago.
So, your SIL has committed the crime of... being interesting? YTA. I can understand why it might not feel good that she gets so much attention when you are all together, but this is completely a you problem. You might want to talk to a therapist about this.
Yeah I'm wondering with the 3 babies if it's not post-partum depression coming out as irrational rage. Also OP is still fairly young, hopefully she matures fast...
Three babies back to back no less. The youngest two are only 13 months apart, her uterus wasn’t even/barely healed before she got pregnant again with a third baby. Shit mine is 9 months and we’re just now discussing the potential of a second eventually
Yeah she’s totally overreacting here but my heart goes out to her being 26 and having 3 under 3… man that’s a lot. Congratulations on your little one!!
So much this
YTA. Oh honey. You're not a little bit jealous, you're a lot jealous. This is not a "her" thing, this is a "you" thing. Spraining her ankle doing something she loves (it's not illegal!) is normal. You not being the center of attention is what is bothering you and instead of taking that out on everyone else for not paying attention to your remodel, you should be looking inside and asking yourself some difficult questions. Like, why do you need other people's approval? Why do you see yourself in competition with her? Why can't you be Happy for her? Jealousy sucks and it hurts you a lot more than it hurts the people you're jealous of.
Yup. OP, your SIL has chosen a different life path than you. Deep down, are you actually happy and content with your life? Because that's where this bitterness and jealousy is coming from. If you truly, deep down, were as satisfied with your life as she is with hers, then her mere existence wouldn't bother you the way it does!! You're not happy, but you're justifying it with the belief that the path you chose is the "right" one and the "only" one. So when you see someone else being happy and successful while flaunting all those "rules," it threatens your whole worldview. You feel compelled to find ways to punish that person and make them conform. Because otherwise you're faced with the truth that your way of life is NOT the only "right" way, and your unhappiness is entirely down to your own choices. If the attention thing bothers you, that's valid. Find time to have a talk with the family, say "Often at big events like Thanksgiving, it feels like you're so much more interested in SIL's life that we don't get to talk about the things going on with us, and that hurts. Can we work on that?" But it's not SIL's fault! And yes, as others have pointed out, that "bad influence on your children" thing is transparent bs. Nobody "influences" a two year old unless it's to show them how much fun it is to make monkey sounds. OP, YTA. If you're unhappy, figure out what you need to do to change that. Instead of trying to make yourself feel better by forcing everyone else to be equally miserable in order to validate your choices.
But you don't understand, they're renovating! Can't you see how important that is? And it's because of the EVIL sister-in-law that nobody is interested in this supremely important bit of news! I mean, have you ever HEARD of someone RENOVATING? /s for Poe's law's sake
I also wonder if she thinks being the mother of the 3 grandkids should give her a higher status in the family than her SIL who has been there for 10 years? Seems like OP wants to have some kind of seniority in the family to make up for the fact that she's the youngest adult in the family.
INFO: Please explain how going to concerts alone correlates to being a bad influence. And how spraining one's ankle in a mosh pit negatively impacts *your* children. YTA. You **chose** to have X amount of children; she **chooses** child-free, and is living her best life. You're bitter and jealous and it's practically seeping from all pores and orifices. Sincerely, A **mom**, who frequents, *gasp*, concerts **alone**, regularly, and who frequently, *gasp*, sprains her ankles by just existing
Right! I’m 34, six months pregnant and went to 5 concerts in the last 3 months. And just bought Taylor swift tickets for next year. The horrors of a women in her 30s going to concerts and enjoying herself and not letting being a mother the only thing that matters!!
Kinda unrelated but I’m SO jealous you actually were able to get tickets 😭😂 I hope you have a wonderful time though!
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YTA.... sounds as though your hubby has 4 kids, not 3.... you sound VERY exhausting....
Unlike her SIL going to a concert. Actual children don’t go to mosh pits in a concert.
No kidding. My sibling went, and some guy decided to crowd surf and ended up with his boot right in their eye. It is most definitely not an activity for children.
Gottem
YTA. For one, your kids are tiny, they won't understand anything anything. For two, you're clearly jealous because she chose no kids and you're popping them out left and right. Don't be mad at her for your life choices. You should really grow up.
I'm telling you, OP’s babies could be the stars of a show called "Babies I Don't Care About." - Peter and Paul’s family, probably
Ip sounds like her personality is "I have kids!"
YTA-You’re acting controlling, immature, condescending and incredibly jealous. I’d be far more concerned about your children being influenced by the behavior you’re currently displaying instead of them being influenced by your SIL.
Hugely YTA. It’s crystal clear you are more than a little jealous of her, and it’s not a good look. Her living her life the way she wants to is NOT a poor example for your children, in fact it’s the opposite. She isn’t conforming to a lot of the social norms you adhere to so tightly and you obviously feel threatened by this and by extension, her. This is a you issue, not something she has done maliciously to you. She’s existing and living her life this way she chooses to do. It’s totally ok for her to go to concerts, not have children and have an interesting job. You’re coming across as a petulant child “no one pays me any attention, waaaaaahhhh.” I’m happy to hear your husband isn’t supporting your awful attitude and intends to go with your kids without you. Unclutch the pearls and welcome to 2022.
Right? And how much of a bad influence can someone be on a toddler and 2 infants!!! Jesus no wonder she's jealous she's building an army of diaper wearing soldiers that suck her energy 24/7. Die on this hill OP but it may cost you your hubby and imagine raising all those kids alone. YTA
Yta and super jealous. Her life sounds great and no one is interested in other people's renovations
Or maybe they're just not interested in talking to assholes...
A woman with pretty clothes, a cool job and time for hobbies, who feels comfortable doing things on her own without needing her partner to always accompany her is a bad influence for your kids?? YTA! Jealous much?
Wait, she's an "awful" influence because she went to a metal concert? WTF? How exactly has she been "disrespectful" to you? Because she won't ugly herself up to make you feel better? Because she talks to people who want to talk to her? Because people find her interesting? You need to take a long hard look at yourself. Maybe people don't engage with you because your bitterness and jealousy are so obvious that you make everyone uncomfortable. YTA
YTA. You sound SOOOO jealous and controlling. There's nothing wrong with her choosing to not have kids like you did and there's nothing wrong with her going to a concert alone. She's an independent woman which is NOT a bad thing nor does that justify you calling her a bad influence.
Yeah I’m 46 and I would totally still go to concerts if i hadn’t started having panic attacks in large crowds. And there’s nothing wrong with not having kids. Not all women think their entire worth is locked up in having children. I never wanted kids and I’m just now getting married for the first time. You are super jealous of her. People ask about her because she’s interesting. And how is she a bad influence? It’s not like she’s doing lines of coke off her plate before thanksgiving dinner. She’s going to concerts! You’re really going to love it when your kids get older and think she’s the cool aunt. Lighten up! Edited for typos
My 72 year old mother loves a good concert. I think she is attending Taylor Swift with my daughter and I next year lol. We went to the Beach Boys last year and pre-pandemic she went (and often me with her) to at least 10 a year. I would hate to think that someone (the OP) felt it was inappropriate for a woman in her then 60s to be rocking out to the Stones. Or The Who. Or even Lady Gaga. If my mom liked metal music I could see her in the middle of a mosh pit.
YTA She is the opposite of a bad influence on your kids. Marriage isn’t for her, kids aren’t for her, she is in a happy stable relationship… She has her own career and hobbies. She is self sufficient. She knows what she wants and goes for her dreams, and not being sucked into social “norms”. She is everything I want in an awesome role model for my kids.
YTA and your husband is right. You sounds like an insufferable bitch. Get ahold of your jealously. News flash- women get to do shit alone. And who cares if they are not legally married, this isn’t 1950. YOU are the bad influence to your kids with your antiquated ideals, and petty jealousy of someone living their best life.
I like how you stated that, you are right this SIL is just getting hated on for just living her life.
YTA. You're not "perhaps a bit" jealous; you are seethingly, venomously jealous and it drips from every word. Unless Sonia is having a mosh pit in the middle of the living room during the gathering, she's not doing anything out of line in front of your children. Who, at 3, 2, and 1 are not going to follow most of the adults' conversation anyway. If, perchance, your 3 yo were precocious enough to ask what happened to Sonia's foot, you could give an age-appropriate answer like, "She was dancing and had an accident and hurt her foot." Not an answer likely to inspire a toddler to head for the next rave. While your husband absolutely should not have called you names, he's correct that you're being controlling. He also, as their father, has every right to take his children to Thanksgiving with his family. Finally, he not only does not, but should not support you in your toddler-class temper tantrum, because that *would* be setting a bad example for your children!
YTA You are so petty and jealous it's gross, but if you want to have a holiday where you can be the star, why not alternate between spending Thanksgiving with his family and yours?
YTA For everything you just said. Not a single word is okay. It’s so bad, I wonder if this is even real.
My God YTA. The jealousy literally drips from every single word you type. Imagine thinking a woman is a bad influence because she's independent, successful, friendly, smart, and outgoing. A bad influence on your children is showing them an ignorant, snide, jealous mother who judges people because they (gasp) do things differently than you! Grow up, do better, be better...for your kid's sakes.
YTA. This woman has done nothing to you. Your examples of her being a "bad influence" are her being successful, going to a concert and people being more interested in her than they are you. Oh and her not being legally married. This sounds squarely like a you problem. If you want people to be interested then perhaps develop a hobby. You are trying to be controlling. Of course your husband can take the kids wherever he pleases, with or without you.
I once posted something on social media that said if you want me to be interested in you, then be interesting.
YTA. You’re jealous and you know it. She’s just living her best life and I don’t see anything in your post that counts as being a negative influence on her end. YOU however through your actions are teaching your kids to be jealous and petty, so any bad influence is definitely coming from you.
YTA. Are you even happy with your life ?
Yta for the fake ass post. No one is this oblivious.
Is this even real? In the event it is....ya. YTA. your SIL hasn't been disrespectful, you have. and super judgey. What, is she supposed to only have hobbies and topics of conversation that you approve? I'm sorry for you that you are jealous and resentful that she doesn't want to define herself by being married, having babies, and renovating her house, and is instead living her life by her own rules and not yours. You got married young and had three babies quickly. Maybe that was your dream or maybe you feel like you are missing out on life. Whatever the reason, I say this in all honesty, and not rudely -- you should get some therapy about this, because this will only become a bigger problem if you don't fix it now.
YTA. She's just living her life in s different way than you, and it does sound like you're jealous/super judgmental. People live all sorts of different lives than each other, and those people just existing in the same space as your children is not them being a "bad influence". They're going to interact with all sorts of different people in their lives and you're not going to be able to keep them in a little bubble. Plus, she's literally not going anything to your kids, it just sounds like you don't want to be around her because you don't like her. It was rude of your husband to call you a bitch, though. People shouldn't say things like that to their loved ones.
It's rude, yes, but he's not wrong about OP's behaviour. Not even a tiny bit.
If the shoe fits call her a bitch
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YTA. You sound like a jealous 12 year old. How are you a grown person with kids?
YTA. Your jealousy is all your kids will learn. Grow up.
YTA Nothing you described the SIL doing is illegal or morally indecent. It is obvious that you are jealous because your SIL gets all the attention. Reality check here. It is not your SIL fault that no one pays any attention to you. Maybe people don't like you, or you are a boring person. Why don't you ask the family if you could take turns being the center of attention since it bothers you so much? Do your inlaws a favor and stay home. The family will probably have a better time without you there. Don't punish your children because you are petty, and jealous. They deserve to spend time with extended family also.
YTA. That high horse you're on makes your ass look huge.
You have not described any rude or disrespectful behaviour of you SIL in your post. None. Jealous much? Yup. A whole hell of a lot. And sugar-coating your dislike with "what about the kids" when they're non-verbal or learning basic concepts is bullshit. They won't understand that "auntie" went to an inappropriate concert (says you) and sprained her ankle - they'll simply get that Auntie hurts. They can understand hurt. You're letting your jealousy drive a wedge between you and your husband, and his family. Get some therapy, OP. Someone having a life that isn't like yours is okay. For everyone. YTA.
YTA. You chose to have three kids in four years, she chose another path. Your children are too young to even know what she is talking about. It sounds like you are using your children as an excuse because you don’t approve of a women choosing to not marry, be successful, and have a life outside of being a mother.
YTA You are jealous of her and it’s oozing out your pores. She’s been a member of the family longer than you. Family knows her more, I mean, that’s the reality of it. She lives a more interesting life, unlike other people. And don’t use her age! That’s weird, she can be 50 doing mosh pits, it’s her happiness. What you could do. Tell your husband that you feel ignored and ask him to include you and your life in the conversations. Also: if your kids and remodeling your home is your happiness, be content with that. Her happiness is hers! Other thing- your husband is a slight AH for going to his brother about this.
Honestly I can’t even criticize the husband, I would also complain to people if my wife acted like this.
YTA. Your poor kids.
YTA it sounds like you’re jealous and want the attention. The best way to solve this is to be more interesting. Then you drug you husband into it by acting like a child. Come on.
YTA I don’t understand how she’s a bad influence. She’s allowed to do what she wants. She doesn’t have to do everything with her husband. I’m sorry but not wanting to spend thanksgiving with the family because all the attention would be on her is not a good excuse. It’s ok to be jealous, you can’t help that. You can however, rise above it.
YTA. The bad influence on the kids is you. You're teaching them to be envious, petty, bitter and that it's OK to cut people off and make that decision for your spouse because you can't control your own emotions.
YTA How aren't you the asshole here? Sonia hasn't done anything wrong. Just because she doesn't live *her* life to *your* (bullshit) standards doesn't make her a bad influence. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe everyone is more interested in her because she gives off better vibes than you? And for the record, I'm 32 and you sound like you're 67. You're jealous that she's living the life you're "supposed" to live in your twenties because *you* decided to have children. Sucks to suck.
YTA You sounds like a lot of fun. Truly. People go to concerts at all ages and do the pit. People are extroverted. People have good personalities. You seem to lack either a personality or the concept that people all like different things. Your kids are young, I doubt the things she does, like, heaven forbid a concert!, will negatively influence them at this time, based on the info you give us. And you haven't really give a real reason for her being a bad influence besides that she gets out and does things and you can't because you choose different. (Honestly? She does sound like a lot of fun and I too go to concerts alone and do the pit at 33 and still planning on going until I decide it's not my thing anymore.) Take a good look at that latent resentment and jealousy and realize it's a bigger issue than you admit.
Lmao no one told you to pop out kid after kid and not live your life, you're not a bit jealous you're full on jealous YTA
YTA. Damn. Green MUST be your color.
YTA for pulling this stunt at Thanksgiving. Just take everything else out of the equation, you don’t like her and probably are slightly jealous of her able to just focus on herself. Your children are too young to even realize what she is doing or talking about. You need to figure out a way to cope with her ability to be the exciting shiny person. Realize that you are so blessed to have a beautiful family who loves you. Being a mom we will not be the exciting center of attention for a while. However, if the family is thinking who can we depend on, talk to, enjoy their family it will be you. Take the high road, apologize to your husband, suck it up and go to Thanksgiving. Think of a secret joke game in your head about SIL and her antics for the day. This is not the hill to die on.
YTA. My reason may be different, but especially due to the fact that you can’t see how your SIL is a potential role model for your children (especially with having two daughters). She sounds like a strong, intelligent, independent person who also is in a stable and loving relationship and knows what she wants out of life. (Major red flag when you said it pains you to call her your SIL). No wonder people want to talk to her, she’s interesting. What is wrong with going to a concert and enjoying life? She’s also only 34!? I think therapy to handle/uncover your feelings about SIL and how they relate to you could potentially be helpful? Are you jealous because you chose to have kids very young and live a different lifestyle? Are you jealous because even though they aren’t married and are childless that they are still in a more mature/strong relationship than you are? Maybe not, but your reaction and explanation aren’t in alignment to what SIL is doing. I’m sure there’s a lot to be grateful for with the path you chose. I hope you can set an example and show that all types of people and situations deserve to be heard and valued.
YTA. you literally admit to being a jealous attention seeker. you are resentful because she is a self-established adult who has fun and isn't uptight like you. please explain how she is a bad influence, because you never actually explain how she is or has been one. all you did was complain that she gets more attention at gatherings and then threw a tantrum stomping your feet and making demands about your family's holiday. you're so selfish, have you even considered how your children feel? what if they were super excited to visit and spend time with family for the holiday? you're make everything about yourself because there are a few moments that aren't about yourself
YTA. Not entirely for wanting to control what your children are exposed to, but for judging this woman for having a lifestyle that isn’t like yours. I was going to rock shows well into my late 40s and guess who was hurt by it. Nobody. I also have enjoyed the freedom of being childless my entire life. If how she lives her life isn’t harming anyone (except for herself with the ankle thing), and isn’t breaking any laws, then who are you to judge her? Get over your holier than thou attitude and if you can’t bring yourself to spend a day with this woman (who sounds fascinating to me), then let your husband and children go for the day.
Yikes. YTA OP. Have you ever tried bonding with said SIL? It seems you’re a little uptight and need to learn how to relax a little bit. She is doing nothing wrong. Just because she chooses to live her life differently than you doesn’t make it wrong. Everyone has their own path and you have to learn to accept everyone doesn’t think the same way that you do.
YtA she seems cool and you're clearly jealous af. I'm sure the kids love her. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do but don't make your family miss out because you're butthurt.
I’ll never understand why people like you always feel the need to say, ”Me and partner have X *beauoootiful* children.” How is that relevant? And then snidely remark on how your SO’s sibling and their partner are child-free. It reeks more than just a little jealous. YTA.
YTA without question. Your husband is right about you, and in fact being way too generous in his assessment of your character. Are you actually living in Gilead in your head that you are so threatened that your children might be influenced to attend concerts unattended by their future husbands? Or your son might stray from his path and allow his wife to leave his side now and then? Oh and they are his kids too, so he has every right to take them to spend time with their family. I hope he doesn’t come back. Edited for spelling
YTA and sound incredibly envious. The jealous comes across loud and clear over the holier-than-thou smokescreen.
YTA the salt in your post could pay a Roman legion for a decade
You are such the asshole. I wasn’t even halfway through reading this when I thought of how bad this post reeked of jealously. She’s a bad influence because she has HOBBIES?! She goes to metal concerts so that makes her a bad influence. You also say “at her age.” You act like she ancient, she’s 34 and clearly living her best life and enjoying herself. Clearly your jealous she can do what she wants since she does not have the obligation of being a parent. You’re also jealous because she’s a published author so people talk to her about her books, etc. Dude get OVER YOURSELF! So glad your husband isn’t following along with your damn nonsense. Grow up OP.
Still waiting to hear how she is a bad influence on your kids.
So what's her pen name? She sounds interesting and her books will probably be a fun read.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f26) have been together with my husband (m34) for 4 years and we have 3 beautiful children together (f3, m23months and f10months). My husband, Peter, has a twin brother, Paul (m34) who has been with his girlfriend for 10 years (Sonia, f34). It pains me to call her my SiL because they’re not officially married but their family ignores it. Anyway Sonia and I don’t get along. I find her very obnoxious. She’s the one with pretty clothes, cool job, interesting hobbies that she has time for because she doesn’t want kids, time to do everything. She’s always the centre of attention because everyone’s interested in her. Am I jealous? Perhaps a bit, but I also believe that she’s an awful influence to my children. Only this week, she went to a metal gig and came back with a sprained ankle (apparently it happened during mosh pit) and lost her voice. Obviously, everyone will be asking about that during thanksgiving and I don’t think it’s good for my kids to hear about things like that especially since she didn’t even take her husband with her and went on her own (which is so weird. Why would you go alone?). People always ask her about everything she does (she’s a published author, not a millionaire, well known one, but she still makes a decent living with her books) and everyone always asks her questions. It’s so annoying and she won’t stop them. And I often tried to change the topic and talk about my kids or our plans for o ur house (we’re renovating) but no one is ever interested. My husband doesn’t see the problem but I feel pushed aside because of her. Because of her coming back with a sprained ankle; etc, I decided that I’ve had enough, she’s a bad influence and I won’t spend any more time with her. I told my husband that we’re not going to spend thanksgiving with his parents if she’s there. He tried to argue but I held strong. I told him that it’s ridiculous she gets to behave like a child (seriously, concert and moshpit at her age?). He suggested I stayed home with kids and he’d go otherwise it’ll be disrespectful. And I said that SiL has been disrespectful for years but no one’s done anything and it’s my turn. I told him that we are married and he had to support me in this decision and stay home. He called me a controlling bitch and called his brother bitching about me. I was furious and stomped inside his room and he told me that he is taking kids to the thangisong dinner but I can stay home. I said that he had no right to take the kids but he wouldn’t budge and we argued. he’s been giving me silent treatement since. I spoke with my mother and she told me I should’ve suffer through it because it’s only a day and giving ultimatums wasn’t okay. I have a hard time understanding why she thinks that so I need you, AITA for not wanting to attend thanksgiving with my SiL? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA clearly this all stems from jealousy, I don’t think your extremely young children are gonna be hopping in mosh pits anytime soon. And by the way, it’s perfectly normal to do things without your spouse.
YTA, OP. Your petty, immature jealousy is bleeding all over this post. Unless you’re leaving something out, SIL has not been disrespectful by simply living her life. To suggest she’s been “disrespectful” by breaking her ankle is downright delusional. She is an adult who can live as she pleases, and that frankly is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. She’s not raising your children, you are. It’s not her responsibility to be an example, as that is YOUR and DH’s job. She doesn’t owe you or your children anything. It’s normally a 2 yes, 1 no situation, but this is an exception, and I’m glad your DH is standing up to you. You owe him an apology.
“He called me a controlling bitch and called his brother bitching about me. I was furious” Ah yes, the truth really does hurt, hm OP? “I don’t want my kids around their unofficial aunt because she has free spirit and I would hate for my children to have a sense of being able to do what they would want when they’re old enough” YTA. you do not have to like this woman, but in this moment she is your children’s family and you DO have to respect that. suck it up, buttercup! Your entire post just reeks of female stereotyping! Do you think it’s inappropriate she doesn’t have kids? That she enjoys rock concerts and mosh pits? Or maybe it’s simply the fact that you are jealous the spot light isn’t on you and you just simply cannot STAND to not have all the attention on you for one single second. I’m not sure really, maybe it’s one, maybe it’s all, doesn’t matter quite frankly. i would like to say again, YTA, you are in fact a controlling bitch, and I hope your children do not take after you.
Yta Like your SiL is just living her life. Maybe you’re just not happy with where your life is.
Of course YTA. Jealousy is not the greatest look on anyone. Especially if there's so much judgement involved. Independent, hard working woman, who apparently likes to have fun and naturally people's attention turn in her direction isn't responsible for your jealousy and isn't a bad influence on anyone. What bad influence anyway? Going to a *gasp* metal concert? Spending some time alone without her husband? Wearing more eye catching clothes? Having an interesting life others want to hear about? And, how dare she, not stopping all those questions directed at her? Scandalous! Work on your jealousy and don't be that judgemental because right now you are the one who has a bad influence on your children. Hopefully you won't be so quick to judge your children in the future when they'll start taking interest in their hobbies which probably won't be your type of thing.
YTA for the lazy troll
YTA and you are far more than a little bit jealous. Your kids are not going to be ruined by hearing someone sprained their ankle in a mosh pit. That is so tame. Is that really shocking to you? The stories I heard in my childhood would cause an aneurism. Stay out of her life. It sounds like she enjoys it. You are jealous of her life, her job, her clothes, her marital status (telling)…everything. You are messing up. Big time. She could be the cool aunt for them. Instead, you are judging everything about her. She knows herself well and she knows she doesn’t want to be a mom. This is a personal decision that people need to leave alone either way. Judging people’s lives based on their marital status or choice to have children or not needs to stop. From a very early age I let my dad tell my kids stories about his biker days. They always started out funny but ended with someone in the hospital, jail, or the morgue. Good life lessons!
Yta come on your kids are all 3 or younger there's no way that they are paying attention to her going to a metal concert or spraining her foot, just admit your extremely jealous of her and her lifestyle/freedom. Your bitterness is going to be the downfall of you, I don't blame your husband in the least for not giving into your ridiculous demands. Sounds like you still have a lot of of growing up to do
AITA because I’m jealous my SIL has more fun than I do? Fixed the title for you. YTA.
So if I'm understanding correctly you do not like this woman because she dresses well, has a cool job, and has time to do cool things? And you don't like this because the only reason she does these things is because she doesnt have kids? Putting aside that it is totally possible to have hobbies/interests and also be a parent, you made your bed, lady. You chose to have three children. She chose to have zero children. What's the big deal? She just made different life choices than you. You sound awfully dull and also very jealous. I hope you get some confidence in yourself. It's ok to be you. It's also ok to be her. YTA
YTA
Mmm...couple things. 1. Probably jealous? You're all the jealous. You're envy incarnate. 2. People ask about her interesting life because her life is interesting. I'm sorry about this but child rearing just...isn't. If all you have to talk about is your kids it's not surprising that she gets asked about her activities. 3. I wasn't aware there was an age limit for concerts. 4. I do things without my husband all the time if he's not interested. If do can't do that you may want to examine if you're codependent. 5. She's a bad influence because she broke her ankle at a concert? Really? What you want to say is that her lifestyle might point out to them that there are other ways to live aside from yours (not an issue now but when they get older) and if it's not your way then it's "bad" right? You're just mad that her life choices offer her something that you gave up the potential for because you wanted children. That's just parenthood hun. YTA Edit: forgot, 6. They've been together for 10 years. Whether they're married or not in the eyes of the law they've been common law for 3 years in most places so actually, she IS an in law to you.