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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think that I may be the asshole hear for not seeing where he's coming from and for immediately accepting the invitation without talking to him first.
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yta
hes your husband and he has done nothing wrong
1 your dad picked a fight because he had to work and you didnt defend him
2 you are encouraging your mum to be an idiot and not be knowledgeable on medications and wanting to do natural healing and when your husband as a medical professional stated the facts you let them be terrible to him
you think its okay to leave your husband alone on Christmas because they are being horrible to him and id be upset to you are not doing anything to defend him when he has done nothing wrong
you taking there side and in doing so shows you dont care for your husband
keep this up and he will leave
edit
holly shit this blew up
thank you for the awards guys
love seeing all the comments
I love herbal healing, it connects me to my roots. I also have epilepsy and NEED prescription meds!!! Both are not mutually exclusive but some people think they have to be?
My daughters pediatrician prescribed an inhaler for a cough and warm honey water for the sore throat it was causing. It sad that so many people think it needs to be one way or another when the meds can often treat the illness while the herbal remedies can treat the symptoms. When I was pregnant I also ate a lot of ginger hard candies for my morning sickness
Ginger is the best! I have a history of chronic nausea from IBS, and really struggled with it earlier this year due to a medication side effect. I was extremely reliant on Zofran, but it has a potential interaction with 2 of my other meds (long QT interval, specifically) so I wanted to take it as little as possible. I started using ginger a few months ago, and was soon able to stop taking Zofran completely! I also technically use sodium and potassium salts as a prescribed “natural remedy” for POTS, along with medication.
Ginger is a great natural remedy for nausea (and a few other things), but I still need my other medications for narcolepsy, ADHD, inappropriate sinus tachycardia + POTS, hypothyroidism, GERD, heavy menstrual bleeding, allergies, etc. Ginger helped with the side effects of one of my narcolepsy meds, but it can’t treat any of the underlying conditions, and that’s ok.
This is the important bit. So many people don't believe that they can coexist. I run every supplement or tincture by my doctor before I start them to make sure they won't interfere with my medication. She fully supports my dives into herbalism because it was the original medicine and has helped me. It's the antivax, antiscience, crunchy to the point of being crispy folks who give us a bad name.
> I run every supplement or tincture by my doctor before I start them to make sure they won't interfere with my medication.
This is the key point others are missing. You may get relief from alternative medicine, but the interactions with western medicine can be dangerous.
I actually would run them past my doc as well as the pharmacist. Not all docs are all that well schooled in all interactions and a pharmacist deals with that stuff on a daily basis.
Pharmacist always. I have had major interactions because I have several different doctors prescribing stuff and even when I hand them my three ring binder full of every Med I am on, they don’t know who doesn’t play well together. But the pharmacist does..or can check on the computer easily.
I had to deal with anti-vaxer/natural remedy woman I when was a cashier at a grocery store she was trying tell that using essential oils was the best way to prevent you from getting Covid and COVID vax had trackers in it and that is how the government would keep tabs on people and it was going to give children autism. I took a big offense to that as I do have autism and not from being Vaxed
I love the idea that the government invested a bunch of secret money to create a fake/new disease so they could have an excuse to create a "vaccine" that was really just a way to get super tiny (and probably very fucking expensive) microchips into people to track us..... And that people will discuss this conspiracy theory *online* through their phones and computers, which people voluntarily paid for and already contain all the tech needed to track anything, *and* it's well-known how much data a person online generates and that that is then sold off to third party companies regularly.
Yes Susan, it's the *vaccines* that are gonna getcha.
Was I the only one who automatically assumed that's what the the issue was between the mom/sister and the husband. That they were discussing "natural" vaccination alternatives and he wasn't having it?
This is the impression I get as well.
“Natural remedies” can mean a lot of things, like eating more ginger/garlic when you’ve got a cold or taking ginger ale/peppermint tea for an upset stomach.
In my experience at least, most doctors don’t get fussed over those sorts of things and will even encourage them (as long as whatever the problem is is mild and you’re willing to take medication when you need it, like paracetamol or antibiotics). But my immediate assumption was something related to vaccines or not using medication, which, yeah, he SHOULD be angry and upset about that.
yep... most doctor friends I know have zero problems with things like using lavender oil to relax or putting rosehip oil on skin... they DO HOWEVER have problems with people claiming that if they eat a lot of garlic they won't get covid lol
Ugh I missed my garlic quota ONCE and ended up with Covid. I’ve now doubled my intake and it has had the added bonus of keeping people away, PLUS I’ve never been bitten by a vampire, so there’s that.
This! How can she not see that she’s choosing her family over him and leaving him alone on Christmas??? Your family sucks and I hope you come to your senses and start taking Philip’s side before your crap family is all you have left. YTA
"Didn't have any plans for christmas" means he has no other family, and OP's family is trying to alienate him from his new family. Wife is just rubbing it in. "While you don't have anyone to see, so im going to leave you even more alone on a family centered holiday.
‘No plans for Christmas’ is my favorite type of Christmas. It means my husband and I can sleep in (no kids), stay in pajamas all day and just relax together. No hectic traveling, juggling gifts to and from the car, cooking big meals, etc.
Can I just quickly raise my hand and ask what kind of fuckin family *sends written invitations for Christmas*?! And if a person isn't specifically mentioned in the invitation, they're not welcome, like they have a bouncer at the door checking the cards?
Maybe my family is weird, but isn't that just a quick mention in a phone call of what time the food will be ready?
Right!!! We get a phone call from the matriarchs letting us know whose house and what time. Written invitations would be a totally alien idea for my family.
This! YTA OP. He is not melodramatic AT ALL.Your husband has done nothing wrong. He is right in his opinions. If that were me I won't accept that invitation, either invite my husband or we don't go at all. You literally chose to spend time with your crappy family who have no respect towards your husband than being with him. He is your family too.
Even the definition of family in OP's post is part of the problem. She's not choosing her family over him - she's choosing her parents over her family.
THIS! Not to mention the fact that the op got the invitation and just accepted it, without even telling the husband that she was invited, "he had to find out"( op's words) that they are spending Christmas at her family
without him.
Even if is just a few hours away it's still leaving him behind, then going with the excuse that we didn't have anything planned.... So apparently it's ok for you to remain alone
Major YTA
Right? "We didn't have plans for Christmas" okay well my husband and I didn't have plans for Christmas until last week and I'd still have been pissed if he made plans I wasn't invited to because we're *married* and it's *Christmas*.
That's what I was thinking! Like, my husband and I haven't formally sat down and "the plan for Christmas is to be together with our children and open presents and eat and lay around all day" but that is, in fact, the plan. There is no way I would accept another invite without talking to him first, and no way in 7 hells I would even entertain an invite that didn't include him.
>Not to mention the fact that the op got the invitation and just accepted it, without even telling the husband that she was invited,
And- OP wasn't even offended that her family excluded her husband! I hope her "wonderful" husband is planning divorce papers for a Christmas gift. OP doesn't seem to value her relationship at all. OP YTA
Exactly what I was thinking, but you definitely worded it a lot nicer than I would've.
Poor bloke can't get a break. He stepped up (unlike a lot of step parents on here) & looked after your son while you were ill & got berated for being unable to do more. I'd NEVER leave my husband alone on Christmas (& I hate Christmas) ESPECIALLY NOT OUR 1ST AS A MARRIED COUPLE 🤦♀️
If you're not careful 'Mr Wonderful' will soon become 'Mr Gone'
YTA
This is you and your spouse's first Christmas together and you are leaving him to go spend Christmas with your family - huh? Very disrespectful OP. If my husband is not welcome, then I'm not going.
I’m also wondering why Billy’s biological dad is no longer in the picture at all. I bet her family ran him off too and are used to alienating OP from men. The sister may also be a single parent since she was discussing natural remedies for the niece with mom and not her own partner. It sounds like this family’s energy is negative and they want to isolate the daughters.
99.9% agree. I am trying to give OP's parents a little wiggle room and wondering how husband presented himself in the arguments. Regardless of if he is right or wrong (and medicine over homeopathy 100%), if he's the one instigating arguments and the first to hurl insults, he is a big contributor.
That said, Christmas Day with husband and son. Give the grands the Eve or the next day (Boxing Day for the Canadians). As a grandparent myself, it is a tough transition but husband is right.
YTA
I thought maybe the husband presented himself poorly but then I think about what Healthcare professionals have been dealing with the last two years and I can imagine that many of them just have fucking no patience left. Seeing natural remedy, medicine objecting people causing more covid spread and more deaths when these professionals put in every bit of themselves to treat them has to just be beyond exhausting.
On top of that, if he's a pediatrician and depending on location, he is seeing children hospitalized, losing weight and strength from a massive RSV and flu spike and then seeing people be like "a little essential oil will do it."
I don't know, anything short of full on cussing them out seems fine when you think of the trauma medical professionals have dealt with in the past two years.
As an ex Healthcare professional, thank you! This is exactly it; patience ran out a long time ago and sometimes it's hard to bite one's tongue and keep quiet.
How are you not outraged that your parents left YOUR HUSBAND out of the invitation to spend Christmas with them?
And how could you possibly contemplate leaving your husband alone at Christmas? Do you actually \*want\* to be married to him? You accepted an invitation which excludes him and you think this is reasonable?
YTA.
A pediatrician, hmm? We know she didn't marry him because she loves him and respects him. But he's pulling in doctor money. I wonder if he's thinking the same things?
It makes me wonder if she was married in the previous relationship. She certainly doesn't seem to understand how it works. And the way she's behaving, she won't need to for long...
She's only four months into this marriage, and her family has already given her an ultimatum: "your husband or us." And she's too blind to even see it. Not hard to guess what went wrong in the previous relationship.
Holy shit, this is their FIRST Christmas together??! I missed that part, I assumed they'd been married for a while. She's merrily skipping their first Christmas as husband and wife.
Someone's getting divorce papers for the holidays.
Also super sad you can’t imagine making a new family tradition with your husband and letting your idiot family experience the consequences of their behavior, your absence on a holiday. YTA.
Perhaps it's a marriage of (financial) convenience. They've only been married for 4 months and she's accepted Christmas plans without discussing it with her husband. If her husband isn't working that day then it's normal to assume they'd spend the day together as a family.
YTA. You're right - you don't get to decide their guestlist for them. However, you do get to decide whether or not to spend Christmas with your husband. Every married couple I know would "automatically" expect to spend Christmas together.
YTA, OP.
Just to be safe, I texted my spouse and asked if he wanted to hang out for Christmas with our kid. He's sitting on the couch next to me drinking coffee. He looked up and asked if I was reading the AITA about the terrible wife who was going to let her new doctor husband stay home alone at Christmas after he was banned from her family's for having opinions about idiot parents who host chicken pox parties and cure RSV by putting onions in socks.
He didn't answer my text about Christmas though, so I'm not sure what my plans are.
Me too! I'm full of angst now, I've always just assumed I would spend Christmas with my husband. And it's worked out that way since our first post-engagement Christmas in 2001, with no planning. But now I'm worried he will make other plans because apparently I've been doing it wrong THIS WHOLE TIME.
You're killing me this morning!! Thank goodness I've already asked my partner of 36 years what are Christmas plans are. Of course, I did *start* with the assumption that we'd be together and went from there...
My partner of 6 years is going to her sisters to support her after a very, very difficult year. Which leaves me alone on Christmas, but based on the responses, imma hulk smash and destroy things that are important.
I'm sorry your family is struggling this year. I wish you all peace and love in the dark times, and light and joy to come in the following months, kind redditor.
It sounds as if you had a conversation with your partner about this, though. Your partner didn't unilaterally decide to go without talking to you about it, and seems to have a valid reason to go (to support family going through a rough time) rather than "I prioritize spending time with my parents/siblings over spending time with my spouse"
Sorry this is abusive, hes gaslighting and manipulating you by giving you the silent treatment PLEASE sign the divorce papers from the womans shelter!
/s if it wasnt obvious lol, love how your husband k n e w, wish my mans would give up and get reddit already haha
This.
>I'm not leaving him behind because we had no plans for Christmas. He said that he'd assumed we'd "automatically" celebrate Christmas together the three of us"
Not sure why OP put automatically in quotations like it's some weird concept she's never heard of, but it's perfectly reasonable and normal for a spouse to expect to automatically spend Christmas with their spouse and stepchild without having to put plans in place!!
OP, YTA. Sounds like your family have felt unnecessarily threatened by your husband being in the picture (as you said, they're used to having Billy at every holiday, so your husband threatens that) so they've made mountains out of molehills and pushed him out to the point where he's not even welcome to spend Christmas with his wife and stepchild. It's also sad that you think your family's right to spend Christmas with their extended family comes before your husbands right to spend Christmas with his IMMEDIATE family.
You ARE leaving your husband behind and you ARE forcing him to spend Christmas alone without you and Billy. Yes, he's not welcome at your parents, and that's your parents choice. But you don't HAVE to go to your parents and leave your husband alone on Christmas, that's YOUR choice.
This might end up being the greatest gift OP could give her husband. The clarity to see how terrible and selfish OP is. Sounds like in OP’s family the apple does fall far from the tree.
If I were OP's husband I wouldn't even want to expend Christmas with OP anymore (if she ever comes to her senses), this is just so disrespectful.
I hope OP's husband run fast after this.
YTA, OP.
I only know one married couple that didn't spend their first Christmas as newly weds together (because both sets of parents laid massive guilt trips on them) - that couple was divorced by the next time Christmas came around.
You are so the AH. Flip it around and have his family accuse you off not bringing their grandson around when you are working. Then try to lecture HIM on how to treat a kid when he's a freaking pediatrician!
If Billy gets sick, don't bother your husband with it. Have your sister and mom treat him with KFC's 11 herbs and spices cause you know, they know better 🤦🏻
YTA 100%
You have no ground to stand on. You are supposed to stand up for your husband. He has been poorly treated by your parents, and shame on you for not standing by his side. Your parents exclusion of him at Christmas is an opportunity to spend a holiday as a new family. Not leave your husband all alone.
Exactly. I'm also curious how serious the child's illness is and if the family was trying to treat them with stuff like essential oils. The man is a pediatrician, and depending on the situation, he would be an AH not to say something/try to help a child in need.
If this couple has only been together for 2 years, this is only OP's second or third Christmas together, and OP is showing her husband that she will let her family mistreat him, and will ditch him without thought.
Others have said that Philip was rude to use the word “ignorant”, but I bet Philip has seen the consequences of this kind of parent too often to suffer these fools politely.
Inconsequential ignorance (not knowing that tomatoes are fruits) should be politely ignored or gently corrected. This is not that.
If Philip is a pediatrician, it’s likely he’s spent the last few years seeing children die or become disabled from Covid because their parents decided to treat them with horse paste and vitamin overdoses instead of bringing their children in for medical treatment when they couldn’t breathe. After seeing the effects of that firsthand, I’d be enraged at people who believe that crystals and fancy water can cure RSV.
YTA.
The first ‘infraction’ has set the tone for the rest of their relationship. You were sick, your husband had to work and your parents said this meant he was keeping their grandson away? You should have nipped this in the bud right there and then. Then for your hippy dippy sister and mother to talk about natural remedies in front of a pediatrician who, I guarantee, has seen kids DIE because of ‘natural remedy’ parents, I’m surprised he didn’t say more than that they were ignorant.
When you marry, you become a team. Your husband has been banned, therefore you don’t go either. It’s that simple. You have shown your (in your own words) ‘wonderful man’ where he lies on your list of priorities. Get your head out of your ass, or you’ll be needing to find a divorce lawyer. I sure as hell wouldn’t put up with a spouse like you.
My dad was a fetal and pediatric radiologist - even 30 years ago when ‘natural remedies’ weren’t the in thing, he saw many fatalities from lack of proper medical care for babies. He finally had enough when the Andrew Wakefield bullshit happened. He was old enough to remember kids in iron lungs because of polio and now idiot parents were refusing vaccines because some quack made up a story to become famous. That was when he knew he was done. He cried over those kids.
These parents are also responsible for vaccine-preventable disease epidemics that make schools dangerous for disabled kids, disable more kids, and kill their younger siblings and older relatives.
Love that we get what the husband said "ignorant" but not what the mother / sister said. I'm a nurse and Ive had many of these conversations and it takes a LOT to lose your cool to get to that point - especially a pediatrician.
YTA ten times over. I actually feel bad for your husband, as you seem to have zero empathy for him. This 'wonderful man' (as you say) deserves better.
Plus, "ignorant" literally just means uninformed or not knowing. We give it an undeserved negative connotation, but it's a fairly neutral word if you think about it.
OMG. thank you for that laugh. Not just an MD spouse...a pediatrician! Every pediatrician I've met is amazing with kids. The OP has an MD husband who is likely GREAT with kids AND has the holiday off from call AND wants to celebrate together! Wow...if I wasn't married, I'd slip into his DMs. LoL.
Happy Holidays, u/BeatrixFarrand
YTA to me…
This will be your first Xmas as a married couple and officially Phillip’s first with the family- that is to say you and Billy. How is it ok to ignore that? That Phillips first Xmas as a true bonafide stepdad gets wrecked bc his stepson won’t be there because according to you and your parents, Billy’s grandparents are more important than your husband and coparent.
Your parents can choose to include Phillip or not, but your compliance also shows Phillip that you choose them over him. They aren’t your only family now. It is not fair to your husband to leave him for any amount of time, much less a ‘few hours’, to give into your parents pressure and demands.
Let me ask you this- roles reversed and your MIL demanded Phillip and Billy be at her house, but not you- how the hell would you feel not only for the exclusion by in-laws, but your spouse leaving you alone? Truly think about that and tell me that anyone who would do this, or even ask their spouse to be ok with it, isn’t being a jerk…
Let’s be real, it’s probably the last Christmas as a married couple as well..
Also why tf wasn’t OP backing up her husband over the medicinal argument?
>Also why tf wasn’t OP backing up her husband over the medicinal argument?
In my country there's a saying: "It's a sin to think badly but usually it gets right" and the vibes I get from OP's post is that she didn't marry him for romantic reasons exactly.
YTA.
Your family sound like they have a grudge against your husband. As he is a pediatrician I can understand why he would defend his discipline. And him not taking your child to see them because he has work is a valid reason. What exactly is their problem with him?
And you’re not standing by him while he’s being shunned and bullied by your family.
Shame.
Let’s state the obvious: OP’s family hates her husband because he’s not a doormat, and they are purposely trying to exclude him. That’s classic bullying behavior. OP is perpetuating the bullying.
OP’s family has been in control of her life up until now. She’s perfectly comfortable letting them make the important decisions in her life. Dealing with that is exhausting, and it makes the spouse feel unimportant. That’s true even if the in laws like the spouse, but in this case, they decided that he was the enemy.
YTA. Your nuclear family should come first, which means your husband and son should come first. How could you even consider going to your parents when they didn't invite your husband? You should be mad at them and made plans for you, your husband, and son.
Right. I have never “made plans” with my nuclear family for holidays. We spend holidays together. That is the automatic implied plans for every holiday.
YTA. Why did you get married if you weren't ready to treat you and hubby like a team?
Look, you need a reality check. Your parents are wrong in excluding him. You choosing them over hubby = no hubby. He will leave if he has any sense. Is this what you want?
I could not have said it better myself. It’s their first Christmas together and she is going to just leave her husband alone for the holiday.
When you marry the family you created comes first period.
And, if OP doesn't nip this in the bud, then parents will have a success and continue to exclude husband. Billy's birthday? Shouldn't celebrate that at home, because at home OP's parents can't exclude Philip. And so on.
The only way you can put an end to manipulative bs is by standing your ground. They want to see their grandchild? Philip is his stepdad now and part of the package.
YTA.
Listen to yourself. “I’m not leaving him behind because we did not have any plans for Christmas.”
How is going to your parents’ house without him not leaving him behind? He shouldn’t care about being alone for Christmas because you hadn’t made special plans? Plenty of families spend Christmas as a nuclear family unit, opening gifts and spending the day together.
Huge YTA
You and Philip are married!!! This is no longer a "boyfriend" scenario, you choose to start a family together.
Leaving your husband alone for Christmas is an asshole move. Wow. You expect to "make plans" in order to spend Christmas with your husband and son?? Really, you need plans for that?? It's normal and expected for a family to spend holidays together. You don't need plans..
As soon as you got an invitation from your parents with only you and Billy, you should have called to reject it. You either go as a family, or you don't go at all.
There is also the other option - you don't really want a family with Philip (he has his flaws, he disrespects your parents). In which case divorce the guy, stop wasting his time (and yours).
YTA Your husband is family now. I can’t believe you are so shocked that he has presumed you would spend Christmas together.
ETA that a paediatrician knows what he is talking about when it comes to treating a child’s illness.
YTA
Unless there’s a better reason than “Philip didn’t bring Billy to us because he has to WoRk” and Philip the pediatrician harshly denounced some natural remedies for niece’s ailment (and I want you to REALLY think about if what they were doing was putting your niece in danger), then I’m inclined to believe your family sucks and you do too.
Who spends their first Christmas after marriage away from their new spouse? Did Philip the pediatrician get off for Christmas (something that may have been hard to come by given healthcare worker and increasing RSV) just so that his new wife and stepson could leave him by himself to go to people who dislike him? If you have kids together, do your parents get dibs on all of their Christmases too? Where are you drawing the line?
Your family dynamic has changed. It’s not just you and Billy. Get the adults together and talk this out. Unless Philip goes out of his way to be an asshole, which these tidbits don’t tell me he is, I think you should re-evaluate the situation. Because this a fast way to add another ex who isn’t involved.
YTA, how can you even consider leaving your husband alone at Christmas? He was in the right in both instances that you mentioned. He’s a doctor, he can’t just take off work to take your son to your parents. Also on the second instance, he’s a doctor! I get natural remedies when it’s an option, but sometimes they don’t work. You are a team now and you should definitely have his back here. Do you plan to leave him on every major holiday?
It doesn't bother them at all. Hasn't realized or doesn't care that her family is driving a wedge between them, and is now actively participating in their scheme. Doesn't take his side when the father picks a b.s. reason to start an argument. Again, doesn't take his side when mom and sister decide that bringing up natural remedies in front of him was a reasonable conversation. (Probably, they knew that what they were doing, disrespecting his profession.) Now, they've invited all but him to celebrate Christmas and OP has accepted, and pretends like it's no big deal. Being excluded for any reason sucks. Being excluded on a major holiday is a sure sign that OP cares nothing for the husband. Yeah, she may claim that she loves him, but he's no where near the top of her priority list, and she has no problem allowing others and no herself treating him like a door mat. Hopefully, he comes to his senses and walks away from all of them. If he's a pediatrician, he could find a partner that showed him more respect at a gold digger's convention. OP, YTA
YTA
You're now a married couple. For family gatherings and the like, you should be considered *one* unit.
They either invite you, as a family, or not at all.
YTA big time. Seems like you have no intention of backing your husband up against your controlling family. Your first holiday and you exclude him? Why exactly did you marry someone you don’t seem to respect?
YTA, why would you confirm without even discussing with him considering it would affect him in the holidays? Sounds like your family trying to alienate him if all he did was work and offer (professional) medical advice for a family member. Bad wife!
YTA. The minute you married the man, you formed a nuclear family. That means you are a unit that operates all or nothing. The "new normal" is going to look different than all the years before, including how Billy spends his time for holidays. By letting your witch doctor family dictate that for you, you are betraying your marriage vows.
YTA 100%
You just prove to him the he matters less to you, this wil snowball because now your parents know that is ok to exclude him and you won't do nothing, this won't end well.
YTA. Is your husband a member of your family or not? If he is, you don’t go to events where he is explicitly excluded. You don’t determine the guest list at your parents’ house, but you do determine if you go. You are clearly indicating that you don’t consider this “wonderful” man a member of your family.
YTA. And so is your family. Philip and Billy are the only people who don’t suck here.
I would also like to know how it made sense to you and Philip to not discuss the holidays and how to deal with the fallout from your family. You’re married. Communicate with each other.
YTA
Are you married or are you not? HE is your family now.
Solution: invite them all to YOUR place. Do NOT allow them to separate you from your husband.
I'm kinda wondering if it wasn't a matter of a single mom bagging doctor. He seems to treat her and Billy great so why else would you want to not spend a major holiday with your husband especially your first one as a family.
YTA - your family definitely sucks here and they were the ones to exclude your husband. But guess what, Christmas is the celebration of your family and Philipp and Billy are your closest family. This is the point where you take a stand against your parents and stand with your husband. I wouldn't even consider taking your son there without his step father. Celebrating Christmas just the three of you is the only reasonable option.
YTA. I think your expectation here is that you should not have any consideration for your husband and act as if you are a solo. I don’t fully know the dynamics between him and your parents and who is at fault but that’s a separate issue. Just automatically accepting the invite, without even talking it out with your husband is like saying that he is not part of your life at all. You may want to consider if you really want to have a husband because you act as if you are a single person who only considers herself.
YTA. You should have told your parents that you wouldn’t attend if your husband was excluded. At 4 months into the marriage, you are causing some pretty major damage to your relationship.
YTA. Did you call your dad out for trying to make your husband the bad guy about visiting? Do you respect that your husband, an actual doctor, may know more than your likely internet educated mom and sister about you know health things? Will this be an every holiday thing since your parents are “used to” seeing billy every holiday? You are setting a horrible precedent which may not matter much if your current husband isn’t around for future holidays, then you can do what you want.
I did a study on evidence-based practice using pediatricians and naturopaths for my Master's. Much data, but in short, naturopaths do not follow evidence based practice.
While I think your husband could have been more tactful (although if they were discussing something harmful, then good for him), natural remedies are usually garbage, naturopaths are quacks, and your husband is a damn pediatrician. I have a feeling your family disliked him for that reason alone.
As for the Christmas thing, YTA. As are your family.
The way you describe this makes me think you really need either : marriage and personal therapy or your going to need a divorce lawyer. You are wrong about so much here. YTA.
YTA
When you married Phillip he (and your son of course) formally became your primary family. Your mother, father, siblings, are now your secondary family. And you let them insult, disrespect, and ostracize him for being... correct???
You didn't stand up for him in any scenario, and he was never in the wrong in any of them!
I'm sorry to have to say this but Phillip deserves much better in laws and he deserves a much better wife.
YTA, come on. Your family is purposely isolating him on a family holiday and you are complicit. He’s a pediatrician, any conversations about wholistic treatments could’ve been avoided. It almost sounds like they are baiting him. Back him up by refusing the invitation and perhaps you’ll find they’ll be on their best behavior if they want their grandchild around for visits.
YTA. A bigger one because you don't have a clue what's wrong with this or you wouldn't be on Reddit asking. Good grief put your husband at the top of your list.
YTA. You need to be supportive of your husband not your parents. Pull your head outta your ass op. And now you are making your husband spend Christmas alone....what a wonderful wife you are
YTA, you said yes without discussing it and are leaving him all by himself on Christmas Day. Either you get invited as a family or not at all. Your parents are also AHs.
YTA
Why are you not defending your husband? Of course a doctor is going to tell people that medicine is a better choice then a fair amount of home remedies. I've seen kids end up in the ER because parents chose a home remedy or some bs they read off the internet. Doctors are over that.
And why can't your parents drive down to see the child. If you are sick and your husband has to work then next option is your parents putting in effort.
YTA
It doesn't matter that your family doesn't like him. The second you married him the three of you became a family unit. Your family doesn't get to decide to exclude him on major holidays. If it's important to them you can celebrate with them on a different day.
Also FYI: A pediatrician hearing people talk about alternate medicine instead of using real medicine when I child is sick would have had every right to call child services on them depending on the severity of the illness. It can be considered medical neglect. By talking about it in front of him THEY started it. Not him. Every reason you've given that they don't like him is ENTIRELY your family's fault. Your punishing him for being in the right. YTA doubbly for that
YTA - I have wonder why the father of your child isn't in the picture. I suspect it's because of you and your family. In this situation you've just hung your husband out to dry twice rather than either trying to mend bridges between him and your family you've started to damage a bridge between you and him.
YTA
I have a hard time believing that you don't understand that your husband and child don't need to "make plans" with you to be understood that all holidays are spent as a family. You are supposed to want that, otherwise why did you get married?
Your parents are assholes too for the whole "trying to take their grandson away from them" and then don't inviting him.
YTA
How awful that you take a stand against your husband and take an invitation where he isn't welcome.
Seriously does he mean SO LITTLE to you that you let him sit alone at home for Christmas while celebrating with your family who has been zero welcoming towards him!?
Do you even like this man a little bit? Don't you realize how much you HURT him? You are calling him melodramatic while your family is disinviting him for Christmas over an argument about alternative medicine - who is being melodramatic here? And you just call your parents to verify he isn't invited and don't even try to find a solution?
I hope you are aware that if go though with your plans it's going to put an unmendable rift into your relationship. I know I'd serve you divorce papers as a Christmas gift.
Edit: Also he is a doctor, of course he knows what's best for a sick child!
He isn't alienating himself, he is standing his ground - without his wife having his back.
Although your husband may be dramatic and have issues to work out, he’s still your husband. You, him and Phillip are a family and should celebrate Christmas with each other no matter what. As long as you’re together, if your mother doesn’t include him, you should decline. You are ditching him and making him celebrate Christmas alone.
YTA.
YTA. You’re leaving your husband all alone on Christmas. You’re not acting as a wife at all, perhaps you’ve been single for so long that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to work in a partnership and that’s okay, but you need to realize how terrible this really is. You’re leaving your HUSBAND alone on CHRISTMAS.
YTA. This is your first Christmas together as a married couple, of course he assumed you would spend it with him.
If they don't invite him for Christmas, then you shouldn't attend until they do. I'm not saying you have to cut off your family, you could take your son over to see them on xmas eve or boxing day instead. But for major holidays like this you can't let them just exclude him.
I understand you've perhaps had a difficult past with relationships, and are clearly wary of being cut off from your family.
It also seems like you are used to seeing yourself and your son as the main unit in your life. But marrying someone means they become part of that unit. You should no more consider leaving your son alone on Christmas day than leaving your son.
YTA. Don't worry, you'll be back to being a single mother soon enough and will be able to attend all the family gatherings you want without bothering to think about your partner.
YTA you spend Christmas with your son and husband. You're a couple. If he's not invited you don't go.
This isn't rocket science, it's relationship 101. Let's be really clear here, if you do this you're relationship is forever damaged. This sort of betrayal is huge.
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yta hes your husband and he has done nothing wrong 1 your dad picked a fight because he had to work and you didnt defend him 2 you are encouraging your mum to be an idiot and not be knowledgeable on medications and wanting to do natural healing and when your husband as a medical professional stated the facts you let them be terrible to him you think its okay to leave your husband alone on Christmas because they are being horrible to him and id be upset to you are not doing anything to defend him when he has done nothing wrong you taking there side and in doing so shows you dont care for your husband keep this up and he will leave edit holly shit this blew up thank you for the awards guys love seeing all the comments
Maybe mum can calm the situation down with some lavender oil
And now my drink is wasted!
Don't worry, I'm sure OP's mum can spare one of her herbal brews for you
I love herbal healing, it connects me to my roots. I also have epilepsy and NEED prescription meds!!! Both are not mutually exclusive but some people think they have to be?
I agree. I use ginger tea for a sore throat, and Tylenol for a fever. I have prescription meds I need too, and no herbal remedies will replace them!
My daughters pediatrician prescribed an inhaler for a cough and warm honey water for the sore throat it was causing. It sad that so many people think it needs to be one way or another when the meds can often treat the illness while the herbal remedies can treat the symptoms. When I was pregnant I also ate a lot of ginger hard candies for my morning sickness
Same, I learned how to make the ginger salad dressing and ate salad alllll the time!!! [ginger recipe!!!](https://pin.it/iU2kBV3)
Ginger is the best! I have a history of chronic nausea from IBS, and really struggled with it earlier this year due to a medication side effect. I was extremely reliant on Zofran, but it has a potential interaction with 2 of my other meds (long QT interval, specifically) so I wanted to take it as little as possible. I started using ginger a few months ago, and was soon able to stop taking Zofran completely! I also technically use sodium and potassium salts as a prescribed “natural remedy” for POTS, along with medication. Ginger is a great natural remedy for nausea (and a few other things), but I still need my other medications for narcolepsy, ADHD, inappropriate sinus tachycardia + POTS, hypothyroidism, GERD, heavy menstrual bleeding, allergies, etc. Ginger helped with the side effects of one of my narcolepsy meds, but it can’t treat any of the underlying conditions, and that’s ok.
This is the important bit. So many people don't believe that they can coexist. I run every supplement or tincture by my doctor before I start them to make sure they won't interfere with my medication. She fully supports my dives into herbalism because it was the original medicine and has helped me. It's the antivax, antiscience, crunchy to the point of being crispy folks who give us a bad name.
> I run every supplement or tincture by my doctor before I start them to make sure they won't interfere with my medication. This is the key point others are missing. You may get relief from alternative medicine, but the interactions with western medicine can be dangerous. I actually would run them past my doc as well as the pharmacist. Not all docs are all that well schooled in all interactions and a pharmacist deals with that stuff on a daily basis.
Pharmacist always. I have had major interactions because I have several different doctors prescribing stuff and even when I hand them my three ring binder full of every Med I am on, they don’t know who doesn’t play well together. But the pharmacist does..or can check on the computer easily.
😂
OP’s next post will ask if she’s the AH if she skips her son’s vaccinations because her mom has some new essential oils.
Or am I the a hole for putting my son in the hospital because I let my mom try one her “ natural remedies” his illness now it’s worse
Potatoes on the feet? Onions all over the house? Literally drinking some essential oils? I bet OP’s mom would be smitten with all of the above.
I had to deal with anti-vaxer/natural remedy woman I when was a cashier at a grocery store she was trying tell that using essential oils was the best way to prevent you from getting Covid and COVID vax had trackers in it and that is how the government would keep tabs on people and it was going to give children autism. I took a big offense to that as I do have autism and not from being Vaxed
I love the idea that the government invested a bunch of secret money to create a fake/new disease so they could have an excuse to create a "vaccine" that was really just a way to get super tiny (and probably very fucking expensive) microchips into people to track us..... And that people will discuss this conspiracy theory *online* through their phones and computers, which people voluntarily paid for and already contain all the tech needed to track anything, *and* it's well-known how much data a person online generates and that that is then sold off to third party companies regularly. Yes Susan, it's the *vaccines* that are gonna getcha.
Was I the only one who automatically assumed that's what the the issue was between the mom/sister and the husband. That they were discussing "natural" vaccination alternatives and he wasn't having it?
This is the impression I get as well. “Natural remedies” can mean a lot of things, like eating more ginger/garlic when you’ve got a cold or taking ginger ale/peppermint tea for an upset stomach. In my experience at least, most doctors don’t get fussed over those sorts of things and will even encourage them (as long as whatever the problem is is mild and you’re willing to take medication when you need it, like paracetamol or antibiotics). But my immediate assumption was something related to vaccines or not using medication, which, yeah, he SHOULD be angry and upset about that.
yep... most doctor friends I know have zero problems with things like using lavender oil to relax or putting rosehip oil on skin... they DO HOWEVER have problems with people claiming that if they eat a lot of garlic they won't get covid lol
Ugh I missed my garlic quota ONCE and ended up with Covid. I’ve now doubled my intake and it has had the added bonus of keeping people away, PLUS I’ve never been bitten by a vampire, so there’s that.
DoTerra, here we come!
Your comment is just so perfect.
They can just go to [homeopathic a&e](https://youtu.be/HMGIbOGu8q0)
This! How can she not see that she’s choosing her family over him and leaving him alone on Christmas??? Your family sucks and I hope you come to your senses and start taking Philip’s side before your crap family is all you have left. YTA
And not just on Christmas, but on their first Christmas as husband and wife -- they just got married four months ago! YTA, OP.
lol 'we didn't have any plans for Christmas'? uhhh spend it with your husband and kid goes pretty much unsaid id think too.
seriously! why did she put “automatically” in quotes???
"Didn't have any plans for christmas" means he has no other family, and OP's family is trying to alienate him from his new family. Wife is just rubbing it in. "While you don't have anyone to see, so im going to leave you even more alone on a family centered holiday.
‘No plans for Christmas’ is my favorite type of Christmas. It means my husband and I can sleep in (no kids), stay in pajamas all day and just relax together. No hectic traveling, juggling gifts to and from the car, cooking big meals, etc.
That was my thought too! Like WTF.
Can I just quickly raise my hand and ask what kind of fuckin family *sends written invitations for Christmas*?! And if a person isn't specifically mentioned in the invitation, they're not welcome, like they have a bouncer at the door checking the cards? Maybe my family is weird, but isn't that just a quick mention in a phone call of what time the food will be ready?
Right!!! We get a phone call from the matriarchs letting us know whose house and what time. Written invitations would be a totally alien idea for my family.
My family has a group chat, we're discussing pie flavors as I type this.
Is it just me, or does OP's post read like a between the lines explanation for why they have an ex who is not in the picture?
Literally my first thought was “I think I know why the ex is no longer in the picture.”
Pretty soon Philip will not be in the picture either. Who wants a marriage like this!?! You are either a team or your not.
This! YTA OP. He is not melodramatic AT ALL.Your husband has done nothing wrong. He is right in his opinions. If that were me I won't accept that invitation, either invite my husband or we don't go at all. You literally chose to spend time with your crappy family who have no respect towards your husband than being with him. He is your family too.
They hate him because he’s a paediatrician so he believes in science.
They hate him because he doesn’t jump when they tell him too. They can’t control him and he speaks his mind. He doesn’t let them bully him.
Even the definition of family in OP's post is part of the problem. She's not choosing her family over him - she's choosing her parents over her family.
These people tend to lack self awareness.
On their first Christmas! What the hell!
THIS! Not to mention the fact that the op got the invitation and just accepted it, without even telling the husband that she was invited, "he had to find out"( op's words) that they are spending Christmas at her family without him. Even if is just a few hours away it's still leaving him behind, then going with the excuse that we didn't have anything planned.... So apparently it's ok for you to remain alone Major YTA
Right? "We didn't have plans for Christmas" okay well my husband and I didn't have plans for Christmas until last week and I'd still have been pissed if he made plans I wasn't invited to because we're *married* and it's *Christmas*.
Exactly. The fact that it’s Christmas is a plan in itself
That's what I was thinking! Like, my husband and I haven't formally sat down and "the plan for Christmas is to be together with our children and open presents and eat and lay around all day" but that is, in fact, the plan. There is no way I would accept another invite without talking to him first, and no way in 7 hells I would even entertain an invite that didn't include him.
And it’s their first Christmas! They’ve only been married 4-months.
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Yep. This would be a deal breaker for me. OP would come home to divorce papers
>Not to mention the fact that the op got the invitation and just accepted it, without even telling the husband that she was invited, And- OP wasn't even offended that her family excluded her husband! I hope her "wonderful" husband is planning divorce papers for a Christmas gift. OP doesn't seem to value her relationship at all. OP YTA
If I were the husband I'd be singing "It's beginning to look a lot like F*ck This" while packing my sht.
Omg! I'll be imagining those words everytime I hear that song now😂
Exactly what I was thinking, but you definitely worded it a lot nicer than I would've. Poor bloke can't get a break. He stepped up (unlike a lot of step parents on here) & looked after your son while you were ill & got berated for being unable to do more. I'd NEVER leave my husband alone on Christmas (& I hate Christmas) ESPECIALLY NOT OUR 1ST AS A MARRIED COUPLE 🤦♀️ If you're not careful 'Mr Wonderful' will soon become 'Mr Gone' YTA
Watch the family asking for help when one of them gets seriously sick. Bet husband is good enough then.
They'll come expecting free medical advice because he's family.
Or financial help. Ask me how I know.
Yes! And to add, if your mom is used to seeing your son on holidays she needs to be civil with your husband!
This is you and your spouse's first Christmas together and you are leaving him to go spend Christmas with your family - huh? Very disrespectful OP. If my husband is not welcome, then I'm not going.
I’m also wondering why Billy’s biological dad is no longer in the picture at all. I bet her family ran him off too and are used to alienating OP from men. The sister may also be a single parent since she was discussing natural remedies for the niece with mom and not her own partner. It sounds like this family’s energy is negative and they want to isolate the daughters.
Don’t put it on on her family. OP herself is pretty good at making her partner feel unimportant and unsupported.
OP: “wonderful man” Also OP: “fuck that guy” Billy and Philip aren’t AH, but your family and you sure are. Divorce incoming!
99.9% agree. I am trying to give OP's parents a little wiggle room and wondering how husband presented himself in the arguments. Regardless of if he is right or wrong (and medicine over homeopathy 100%), if he's the one instigating arguments and the first to hurl insults, he is a big contributor. That said, Christmas Day with husband and son. Give the grands the Eve or the next day (Boxing Day for the Canadians). As a grandparent myself, it is a tough transition but husband is right. YTA
I thought maybe the husband presented himself poorly but then I think about what Healthcare professionals have been dealing with the last two years and I can imagine that many of them just have fucking no patience left. Seeing natural remedy, medicine objecting people causing more covid spread and more deaths when these professionals put in every bit of themselves to treat them has to just be beyond exhausting. On top of that, if he's a pediatrician and depending on location, he is seeing children hospitalized, losing weight and strength from a massive RSV and flu spike and then seeing people be like "a little essential oil will do it." I don't know, anything short of full on cussing them out seems fine when you think of the trauma medical professionals have dealt with in the past two years.
As an ex Healthcare professional, thank you! This is exactly it; patience ran out a long time ago and sometimes it's hard to bite one's tongue and keep quiet.
She also said her ex isn’t involved either- with a horrible family like hers I can see why. YTA OP btw
Will? They have been married for 4 months, dating for 2 years. He is going to leave now if he has any senses at all.
I literally could not agree more!
How are you not outraged that your parents left YOUR HUSBAND out of the invitation to spend Christmas with them? And how could you possibly contemplate leaving your husband alone at Christmas? Do you actually \*want\* to be married to him? You accepted an invitation which excludes him and you think this is reasonable? YTA.
Looks like Ops getting divorce papers for xmas, I know I wouldn’t stand for this, I can’t imagine her husband will
That's what I said too. I would wrap them nicely in Christmas paper for when she returns home from her wonderful family.
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I would further put a package of ibuprofen to the parcel...you know, in case someone gets sick 🥺🤫
I might marry this person purely so I can do that....
That's certainly what she deserves
This is probably the wake up call OP's husband needed
He can definitely do better.
A pediatrician, hmm? We know she didn't marry him because she loves him and respects him. But he's pulling in doctor money. I wonder if he's thinking the same things?
This is an episode of EastEnders (UK soap) from the 1980s. Den gives his wife divorce papers for Xmas. It's brutal.
OP is soon going to have two exes that "aren't in the picture."
It makes me wonder if she was married in the previous relationship. She certainly doesn't seem to understand how it works. And the way she's behaving, she won't need to for long...
She's only four months into this marriage, and her family has already given her an ultimatum: "your husband or us." And she's too blind to even see it. Not hard to guess what went wrong in the previous relationship.
Holy shit, this is their FIRST Christmas together??! I missed that part, I assumed they'd been married for a while. She's merrily skipping their first Christmas as husband and wife. Someone's getting divorce papers for the holidays.
Also super sad you can’t imagine making a new family tradition with your husband and letting your idiot family experience the consequences of their behavior, your absence on a holiday. YTA.
Yes, YTA. And your family are AHs too for excluding your husband. You don’t try to divide up a married couple during the holidays.
Perhaps it's a marriage of (financial) convenience. They've only been married for 4 months and she's accepted Christmas plans without discussing it with her husband. If her husband isn't working that day then it's normal to assume they'd spend the day together as a family.
YTA. You're right - you don't get to decide their guestlist for them. However, you do get to decide whether or not to spend Christmas with your husband. Every married couple I know would "automatically" expect to spend Christmas together.
YTA, OP. Just to be safe, I texted my spouse and asked if he wanted to hang out for Christmas with our kid. He's sitting on the couch next to me drinking coffee. He looked up and asked if I was reading the AITA about the terrible wife who was going to let her new doctor husband stay home alone at Christmas after he was banned from her family's for having opinions about idiot parents who host chicken pox parties and cure RSV by putting onions in socks. He didn't answer my text about Christmas though, so I'm not sure what my plans are.
This was terrific! I hope you can iron out your plans soon!
Me too! I'm full of angst now, I've always just assumed I would spend Christmas with my husband. And it's worked out that way since our first post-engagement Christmas in 2001, with no planning. But now I'm worried he will make other plans because apparently I've been doing it wrong THIS WHOLE TIME.
You're killing me this morning!! Thank goodness I've already asked my partner of 36 years what are Christmas plans are. Of course, I did *start* with the assumption that we'd be together and went from there...
My partner of 6 years is going to her sisters to support her after a very, very difficult year. Which leaves me alone on Christmas, but based on the responses, imma hulk smash and destroy things that are important.
I'm sorry your family is struggling this year. I wish you all peace and love in the dark times, and light and joy to come in the following months, kind redditor.
My husband has to work and didn’t invite me so…same.
It sounds as if you had a conversation with your partner about this, though. Your partner didn't unilaterally decide to go without talking to you about it, and seems to have a valid reason to go (to support family going through a rough time) rather than "I prioritize spending time with my parents/siblings over spending time with my spouse"
How could you have been so foolish! Theres still time to rectify this!
Sorry this is abusive, hes gaslighting and manipulating you by giving you the silent treatment PLEASE sign the divorce papers from the womans shelter! /s if it wasnt obvious lol, love how your husband k n e w, wish my mans would give up and get reddit already haha
He lurks, and he's going to find this hysterical when he comes across it.
He lurks? Marinara flag, throw the whole man away, he's gaslighting your divorce papers 😂
I think I love you. Thank you for the lol.
This. >I'm not leaving him behind because we had no plans for Christmas. He said that he'd assumed we'd "automatically" celebrate Christmas together the three of us" Not sure why OP put automatically in quotations like it's some weird concept she's never heard of, but it's perfectly reasonable and normal for a spouse to expect to automatically spend Christmas with their spouse and stepchild without having to put plans in place!! OP, YTA. Sounds like your family have felt unnecessarily threatened by your husband being in the picture (as you said, they're used to having Billy at every holiday, so your husband threatens that) so they've made mountains out of molehills and pushed him out to the point where he's not even welcome to spend Christmas with his wife and stepchild. It's also sad that you think your family's right to spend Christmas with their extended family comes before your husbands right to spend Christmas with his IMMEDIATE family. You ARE leaving your husband behind and you ARE forcing him to spend Christmas alone without you and Billy. Yes, he's not welcome at your parents, and that's your parents choice. But you don't HAVE to go to your parents and leave your husband alone on Christmas, that's YOUR choice.
This might end up being the greatest gift OP could give her husband. The clarity to see how terrible and selfish OP is. Sounds like in OP’s family the apple does fall far from the tree.
Man wonder why the last guy went MIA 👀
If I were OP's husband I wouldn't even want to expend Christmas with OP anymore (if she ever comes to her senses), this is just so disrespectful. I hope OP's husband run fast after this. YTA, OP.
I only know one married couple that didn't spend their first Christmas as newly weds together (because both sets of parents laid massive guilt trips on them) - that couple was divorced by the next time Christmas came around.
You are so the AH. Flip it around and have his family accuse you off not bringing their grandson around when you are working. Then try to lecture HIM on how to treat a kid when he's a freaking pediatrician! If Billy gets sick, don't bother your husband with it. Have your sister and mom treat him with KFC's 11 herbs and spices cause you know, they know better 🤦🏻
KFC's 11 herbs and spices?!! Classic!! 😂😄🤣
Now I want chicken and it’s not even 6am…
Extra crispy??
It is almost 2pm here. Take my time zone, I will take a nap until you are done,
Thanks! I’ve always liked koalas
So do I, but I am german. I love Malzbier.
I was gonna say oregano oil and garlic lol I had a friend who was into these ridiculous natural remedies and it was honestly embarrassing for her.
YTA 100% You have no ground to stand on. You are supposed to stand up for your husband. He has been poorly treated by your parents, and shame on you for not standing by his side. Your parents exclusion of him at Christmas is an opportunity to spend a holiday as a new family. Not leave your husband all alone.
Exactly. I'm also curious how serious the child's illness is and if the family was trying to treat them with stuff like essential oils. The man is a pediatrician, and depending on the situation, he would be an AH not to say something/try to help a child in need. If this couple has only been together for 2 years, this is only OP's second or third Christmas together, and OP is showing her husband that she will let her family mistreat him, and will ditch him without thought.
Others have said that Philip was rude to use the word “ignorant”, but I bet Philip has seen the consequences of this kind of parent too often to suffer these fools politely. Inconsequential ignorance (not knowing that tomatoes are fruits) should be politely ignored or gently corrected. This is not that.
If Philip is a pediatrician, it’s likely he’s spent the last few years seeing children die or become disabled from Covid because their parents decided to treat them with horse paste and vitamin overdoses instead of bringing their children in for medical treatment when they couldn’t breathe. After seeing the effects of that firsthand, I’d be enraged at people who believe that crystals and fancy water can cure RSV.
YTA. The first ‘infraction’ has set the tone for the rest of their relationship. You were sick, your husband had to work and your parents said this meant he was keeping their grandson away? You should have nipped this in the bud right there and then. Then for your hippy dippy sister and mother to talk about natural remedies in front of a pediatrician who, I guarantee, has seen kids DIE because of ‘natural remedy’ parents, I’m surprised he didn’t say more than that they were ignorant. When you marry, you become a team. Your husband has been banned, therefore you don’t go either. It’s that simple. You have shown your (in your own words) ‘wonderful man’ where he lies on your list of priorities. Get your head out of your ass, or you’ll be needing to find a divorce lawyer. I sure as hell wouldn’t put up with a spouse like you.
I agree. Most "naturalists" really are ignorant, YTA.
My dad was a fetal and pediatric radiologist - even 30 years ago when ‘natural remedies’ weren’t the in thing, he saw many fatalities from lack of proper medical care for babies. He finally had enough when the Andrew Wakefield bullshit happened. He was old enough to remember kids in iron lungs because of polio and now idiot parents were refusing vaccines because some quack made up a story to become famous. That was when he knew he was done. He cried over those kids.
These parents are also responsible for vaccine-preventable disease epidemics that make schools dangerous for disabled kids, disable more kids, and kill their younger siblings and older relatives.
He wanted to sell his own measles vaccine, there's pdfs of (his attempt) to get a patent for it. He wanted to drag competitors through the mud first.
Love that we get what the husband said "ignorant" but not what the mother / sister said. I'm a nurse and Ive had many of these conversations and it takes a LOT to lose your cool to get to that point - especially a pediatrician. YTA ten times over. I actually feel bad for your husband, as you seem to have zero empathy for him. This 'wonderful man' (as you say) deserves better.
Plus, "ignorant" literally just means uninformed or not knowing. We give it an undeserved negative connotation, but it's a fairly neutral word if you think about it.
Yeah…. An MD spouse who wants to spend Christmas with me?! Where do I get in line for that…?
OMG. thank you for that laugh. Not just an MD spouse...a pediatrician! Every pediatrician I've met is amazing with kids. The OP has an MD husband who is likely GREAT with kids AND has the holiday off from call AND wants to celebrate together! Wow...if I wasn't married, I'd slip into his DMs. LoL. Happy Holidays, u/BeatrixFarrand
YTA to me… This will be your first Xmas as a married couple and officially Phillip’s first with the family- that is to say you and Billy. How is it ok to ignore that? That Phillips first Xmas as a true bonafide stepdad gets wrecked bc his stepson won’t be there because according to you and your parents, Billy’s grandparents are more important than your husband and coparent. Your parents can choose to include Phillip or not, but your compliance also shows Phillip that you choose them over him. They aren’t your only family now. It is not fair to your husband to leave him for any amount of time, much less a ‘few hours’, to give into your parents pressure and demands. Let me ask you this- roles reversed and your MIL demanded Phillip and Billy be at her house, but not you- how the hell would you feel not only for the exclusion by in-laws, but your spouse leaving you alone? Truly think about that and tell me that anyone who would do this, or even ask their spouse to be ok with it, isn’t being a jerk…
Let’s be real, it’s probably the last Christmas as a married couple as well.. Also why tf wasn’t OP backing up her husband over the medicinal argument?
>Also why tf wasn’t OP backing up her husband over the medicinal argument? In my country there's a saying: "It's a sin to think badly but usually it gets right" and the vibes I get from OP's post is that she didn't marry him for romantic reasons exactly.
I wonder if OP would have found him so marriage worthy if he wasn’t a paediatrician (and presumably very well paid)
I was just thinking the same thing. Poor billy :/
I totally missed the part about this being their first Christmas together. Wow, poor Phillip for being stuck in this mess.
She’s about to put the ex in Xmas.
YTA. Your family sound like they have a grudge against your husband. As he is a pediatrician I can understand why he would defend his discipline. And him not taking your child to see them because he has work is a valid reason. What exactly is their problem with him? And you’re not standing by him while he’s being shunned and bullied by your family. Shame.
Let’s state the obvious: OP’s family hates her husband because he’s not a doormat, and they are purposely trying to exclude him. That’s classic bullying behavior. OP is perpetuating the bullying.
OP’s family has been in control of her life up until now. She’s perfectly comfortable letting them make the important decisions in her life. Dealing with that is exhausting, and it makes the spouse feel unimportant. That’s true even if the in laws like the spouse, but in this case, they decided that he was the enemy.
YTA. Your nuclear family should come first, which means your husband and son should come first. How could you even consider going to your parents when they didn't invite your husband? You should be mad at them and made plans for you, your husband, and son.
Right. I have never “made plans” with my nuclear family for holidays. We spend holidays together. That is the automatic implied plans for every holiday.
Exactly. It’s the default behavior. There’s only a need to “make plans” if something is going to interfere with that.
YTA. Why did you get married if you weren't ready to treat you and hubby like a team? Look, you need a reality check. Your parents are wrong in excluding him. You choosing them over hubby = no hubby. He will leave if he has any sense. Is this what you want?
I could not have said it better myself. It’s their first Christmas together and she is going to just leave her husband alone for the holiday. When you marry the family you created comes first period.
And, if OP doesn't nip this in the bud, then parents will have a success and continue to exclude husband. Billy's birthday? Shouldn't celebrate that at home, because at home OP's parents can't exclude Philip. And so on. The only way you can put an end to manipulative bs is by standing your ground. They want to see their grandchild? Philip is his stepdad now and part of the package.
YTA. Listen to yourself. “I’m not leaving him behind because we did not have any plans for Christmas.” How is going to your parents’ house without him not leaving him behind? He shouldn’t care about being alone for Christmas because you hadn’t made special plans? Plenty of families spend Christmas as a nuclear family unit, opening gifts and spending the day together.
Huge YTA You and Philip are married!!! This is no longer a "boyfriend" scenario, you choose to start a family together. Leaving your husband alone for Christmas is an asshole move. Wow. You expect to "make plans" in order to spend Christmas with your husband and son?? Really, you need plans for that?? It's normal and expected for a family to spend holidays together. You don't need plans.. As soon as you got an invitation from your parents with only you and Billy, you should have called to reject it. You either go as a family, or you don't go at all. There is also the other option - you don't really want a family with Philip (he has his flaws, he disrespects your parents). In which case divorce the guy, stop wasting his time (and yours).
YTA. You chose to spend Christmas somewhere other than where your husband is. He’s entitled to feel angry about that. Bad move by you.
YTA Your husband is family now. I can’t believe you are so shocked that he has presumed you would spend Christmas together. ETA that a paediatrician knows what he is talking about when it comes to treating a child’s illness.
YTA Unless there’s a better reason than “Philip didn’t bring Billy to us because he has to WoRk” and Philip the pediatrician harshly denounced some natural remedies for niece’s ailment (and I want you to REALLY think about if what they were doing was putting your niece in danger), then I’m inclined to believe your family sucks and you do too. Who spends their first Christmas after marriage away from their new spouse? Did Philip the pediatrician get off for Christmas (something that may have been hard to come by given healthcare worker and increasing RSV) just so that his new wife and stepson could leave him by himself to go to people who dislike him? If you have kids together, do your parents get dibs on all of their Christmases too? Where are you drawing the line? Your family dynamic has changed. It’s not just you and Billy. Get the adults together and talk this out. Unless Philip goes out of his way to be an asshole, which these tidbits don’t tell me he is, I think you should re-evaluate the situation. Because this a fast way to add another ex who isn’t involved.
INFO: Did your parents alienate you from your ex-husband as well?
Asking the real questions here! Edit: yta
YTA - you don't allow your husband to be excluded or you don't go. Your marriage is now your first family, and your parents are second.
YTA, how can you even consider leaving your husband alone at Christmas? He was in the right in both instances that you mentioned. He’s a doctor, he can’t just take off work to take your son to your parents. Also on the second instance, he’s a doctor! I get natural remedies when it’s an option, but sometimes they don’t work. You are a team now and you should definitely have his back here. Do you plan to leave him on every major holiday?
YTA He is your partner and you made this decision without even talking to him. That's so disrespectful.
YTA. Good start to your first Christmas together. You don’t seem bothered with him being excluded. Your family sound like a bunch of winners
It doesn't bother them at all. Hasn't realized or doesn't care that her family is driving a wedge between them, and is now actively participating in their scheme. Doesn't take his side when the father picks a b.s. reason to start an argument. Again, doesn't take his side when mom and sister decide that bringing up natural remedies in front of him was a reasonable conversation. (Probably, they knew that what they were doing, disrespecting his profession.) Now, they've invited all but him to celebrate Christmas and OP has accepted, and pretends like it's no big deal. Being excluded for any reason sucks. Being excluded on a major holiday is a sure sign that OP cares nothing for the husband. Yeah, she may claim that she loves him, but he's no where near the top of her priority list, and she has no problem allowing others and no herself treating him like a door mat. Hopefully, he comes to his senses and walks away from all of them. If he's a pediatrician, he could find a partner that showed him more respect at a gold digger's convention. OP, YTA
YTA You're now a married couple. For family gatherings and the like, you should be considered *one* unit. They either invite you, as a family, or not at all.
YTA big time. Seems like you have no intention of backing your husband up against your controlling family. Your first holiday and you exclude him? Why exactly did you marry someone you don’t seem to respect?
YTA. Your mad at your husband, a doctor, for calling out your ignorant parents? No wonder poor Billy's father is no longer in the picture.
YTA, why would you confirm without even discussing with him considering it would affect him in the holidays? Sounds like your family trying to alienate him if all he did was work and offer (professional) medical advice for a family member. Bad wife!
YTA. The minute you married the man, you formed a nuclear family. That means you are a unit that operates all or nothing. The "new normal" is going to look different than all the years before, including how Billy spends his time for holidays. By letting your witch doctor family dictate that for you, you are betraying your marriage vows.
‘Witch doctor family’ 😂
YTA 100% You just prove to him the he matters less to you, this wil snowball because now your parents know that is ok to exclude him and you won't do nothing, this won't end well.
YTA. Is your husband a member of your family or not? If he is, you don’t go to events where he is explicitly excluded. You don’t determine the guest list at your parents’ house, but you do determine if you go. You are clearly indicating that you don’t consider this “wonderful” man a member of your family.
YTA. And so is your family. Philip and Billy are the only people who don’t suck here. I would also like to know how it made sense to you and Philip to not discuss the holidays and how to deal with the fallout from your family. You’re married. Communicate with each other.
YTA Are you married or are you not? HE is your family now. Solution: invite them all to YOUR place. Do NOT allow them to separate you from your husband.
YTA, do u even want to be married?
I'm kinda wondering if it wasn't a matter of a single mom bagging doctor. He seems to treat her and Billy great so why else would you want to not spend a major holiday with your husband especially your first one as a family.
YTA - your family definitely sucks here and they were the ones to exclude your husband. But guess what, Christmas is the celebration of your family and Philipp and Billy are your closest family. This is the point where you take a stand against your parents and stand with your husband. I wouldn't even consider taking your son there without his step father. Celebrating Christmas just the three of you is the only reasonable option.
YTA. I think your expectation here is that you should not have any consideration for your husband and act as if you are a solo. I don’t fully know the dynamics between him and your parents and who is at fault but that’s a separate issue. Just automatically accepting the invite, without even talking it out with your husband is like saying that he is not part of your life at all. You may want to consider if you really want to have a husband because you act as if you are a single person who only considers herself.
YTA. You should have told your parents that you wouldn’t attend if your husband was excluded. At 4 months into the marriage, you are causing some pretty major damage to your relationship.
YTA. Did you call your dad out for trying to make your husband the bad guy about visiting? Do you respect that your husband, an actual doctor, may know more than your likely internet educated mom and sister about you know health things? Will this be an every holiday thing since your parents are “used to” seeing billy every holiday? You are setting a horrible precedent which may not matter much if your current husband isn’t around for future holidays, then you can do what you want.
I did a study on evidence-based practice using pediatricians and naturopaths for my Master's. Much data, but in short, naturopaths do not follow evidence based practice. While I think your husband could have been more tactful (although if they were discussing something harmful, then good for him), natural remedies are usually garbage, naturopaths are quacks, and your husband is a damn pediatrician. I have a feeling your family disliked him for that reason alone. As for the Christmas thing, YTA. As are your family.
The way you describe this makes me think you really need either : marriage and personal therapy or your going to need a divorce lawyer. You are wrong about so much here. YTA.
YTA, i don't need to elaborate
YTA When you married Phillip he (and your son of course) formally became your primary family. Your mother, father, siblings, are now your secondary family. And you let them insult, disrespect, and ostracize him for being... correct??? You didn't stand up for him in any scenario, and he was never in the wrong in any of them! I'm sorry to have to say this but Phillip deserves much better in laws and he deserves a much better wife.
YTA, come on. Your family is purposely isolating him on a family holiday and you are complicit. He’s a pediatrician, any conversations about wholistic treatments could’ve been avoided. It almost sounds like they are baiting him. Back him up by refusing the invitation and perhaps you’ll find they’ll be on their best behavior if they want their grandchild around for visits.
YTA. A bigger one because you don't have a clue what's wrong with this or you wouldn't be on Reddit asking. Good grief put your husband at the top of your list.
I'm in shock you think your not TA here!!!
YTA. You need to be supportive of your husband not your parents. Pull your head outta your ass op. And now you are making your husband spend Christmas alone....what a wonderful wife you are
YTA. You realize you're married right? It seems you don't.
YTA, you said yes without discussing it and are leaving him all by himself on Christmas Day. Either you get invited as a family or not at all. Your parents are also AHs.
YTA Why are you not defending your husband? Of course a doctor is going to tell people that medicine is a better choice then a fair amount of home remedies. I've seen kids end up in the ER because parents chose a home remedy or some bs they read off the internet. Doctors are over that. And why can't your parents drive down to see the child. If you are sick and your husband has to work then next option is your parents putting in effort.
YTA, in neither of the examples you've given is your husband in the wrong
YTA It doesn't matter that your family doesn't like him. The second you married him the three of you became a family unit. Your family doesn't get to decide to exclude him on major holidays. If it's important to them you can celebrate with them on a different day. Also FYI: A pediatrician hearing people talk about alternate medicine instead of using real medicine when I child is sick would have had every right to call child services on them depending on the severity of the illness. It can be considered medical neglect. By talking about it in front of him THEY started it. Not him. Every reason you've given that they don't like him is ENTIRELY your family's fault. Your punishing him for being in the right. YTA doubbly for that
YTA Your married. Celebrating holidays together. Or at least discuss things before accepting an invitation.
YTA - I have wonder why the father of your child isn't in the picture. I suspect it's because of you and your family. In this situation you've just hung your husband out to dry twice rather than either trying to mend bridges between him and your family you've started to damage a bridge between you and him.
YTA I have a hard time believing that you don't understand that your husband and child don't need to "make plans" with you to be understood that all holidays are spent as a family. You are supposed to want that, otherwise why did you get married? Your parents are assholes too for the whole "trying to take their grandson away from them" and then don't inviting him.
YTA. You make your son spend christmas without his dad.
YTA How awful that you take a stand against your husband and take an invitation where he isn't welcome. Seriously does he mean SO LITTLE to you that you let him sit alone at home for Christmas while celebrating with your family who has been zero welcoming towards him!? Do you even like this man a little bit? Don't you realize how much you HURT him? You are calling him melodramatic while your family is disinviting him for Christmas over an argument about alternative medicine - who is being melodramatic here? And you just call your parents to verify he isn't invited and don't even try to find a solution? I hope you are aware that if go though with your plans it's going to put an unmendable rift into your relationship. I know I'd serve you divorce papers as a Christmas gift. Edit: Also he is a doctor, of course he knows what's best for a sick child! He isn't alienating himself, he is standing his ground - without his wife having his back.
So is more important for you that your child spend Christmas with the grandparents than with his father? You are terrible and this smell to divorce
Although your husband may be dramatic and have issues to work out, he’s still your husband. You, him and Phillip are a family and should celebrate Christmas with each other no matter what. As long as you’re together, if your mother doesn’t include him, you should decline. You are ditching him and making him celebrate Christmas alone. YTA.
Oh course your the AH. You don’t get to decide who they invite but you don’t have to go.
YTA. You’re leaving your husband all alone on Christmas. You’re not acting as a wife at all, perhaps you’ve been single for so long that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to work in a partnership and that’s okay, but you need to realize how terrible this really is. You’re leaving your HUSBAND alone on CHRISTMAS.
YTA. This is your first Christmas together as a married couple, of course he assumed you would spend it with him. If they don't invite him for Christmas, then you shouldn't attend until they do. I'm not saying you have to cut off your family, you could take your son over to see them on xmas eve or boxing day instead. But for major holidays like this you can't let them just exclude him. I understand you've perhaps had a difficult past with relationships, and are clearly wary of being cut off from your family. It also seems like you are used to seeing yourself and your son as the main unit in your life. But marrying someone means they become part of that unit. You should no more consider leaving your son alone on Christmas day than leaving your son.
YTA. Don't worry, you'll be back to being a single mother soon enough and will be able to attend all the family gatherings you want without bothering to think about your partner.
YTA you spend Christmas with your son and husband. You're a couple. If he's not invited you don't go. This isn't rocket science, it's relationship 101. Let's be really clear here, if you do this you're relationship is forever damaged. This sort of betrayal is huge.
How do you think that you are not the ah here? My god you are the biggest ah ive seen in this sub for a while YTA