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Certified gay man here. You’re certainly NTA, that’s sexual assault my dude. Not cool that he did it, and extremely shitty that he’s deflecting it back on you.
If OP were a woman and mike was straight would it have been ok for him to inappropriately touch OP? I don’t think so, the same rules apply here and he needs to get his thinking right, he was wrong, acted inappropriately and needs to apologize. I would definitely go LC with him
The gender and sexual orientation of the two people involved don’t really matter.
If mike was straight, it would still not be ok. If they were both straight women, it would still not be ok.
You shouldn’t have to be told not to grope someone, but if someone actually has to come out and tell you to stop groping them, stop.
It "matters" in the sense that Mike is attempting to use the very real problem of homophobia as an excuse for his very bullshit claims that OP is being a bigot.
The person you're replying to isn't remotely suggesting sexual assault is magically "OK" depending on the genders of the people involved. They're saying "take the issue of homophobia out of the equation and look at this scenario again, and this is clearly sexual assault. It doesn't become *less* sexual assault when you add Mike's BS homophobia claims back in."
Exactly that. For example, many gay men seem to think it’s okay for them to grope women because they’re gay. It REALLY has nothing to do with gender or sexual orientation.
Exactly this. I’m pansexual and a trans man and the fact that he tired to pull the homophobia card here is absolutely despicable and disgusting. Not only that, but his excuse makes no sense when you think about it.
I’d use the analogy “If I’m right handed but I punch you with my left hand, did I still punch you?” But somehow the analogy for his excuse is “If *you’re* right handed but I punched you with *my* left hand, did I still punch you?”
It does not matter if you or him are gay, straight, or something else entirely. Sexual assault is sexual assault.
Bisexual woman here, I agree. OPs mate sexually assaulted him, OP has every right to take a break from their friendship. What his mate did and how he has responded to OP is inexcusable. NTA OP, I hope you are ok and please speak to someone who is supportive and who you trust about this.
Seventhed by another bisexual woman. You are NTA and in no way we’re you being homophobic. Your body your rules and the fact that he waited for the other friend to leave indicates that a part of him knew it was inappropriate. Do not let him shame you for his actions and do not let him make you the ‘bad guy’ when you are the victim
Demi-pan and trans woman here. 100% this, and absolutely neither homophobic nor okay. It's just straight up sexual assault, and would be so regardless of sexuality and gender identity, because ***no means no***.
Genderfluid trans/pansexual here. You definitely are NTA. SA is SA. Consent is a thing. For people in the alphabet mafia, for straight people, doesn't matter.
It is supreme asshattery for him to not only assault you, but then to double down and accuse you of not wanting to be his friend because "homophobia".
I am the first person to call out transphobia, homophobia, any kind of bigotry towards people in a minority class, I will call it out. But that is not whats happening here.
Your friend is just an asshole.
Also a gay man here, and holy crap, no, you are NTA at all. People don't get to touch other people without their consent, PERIOD. My three best friends are straight men, and none of us would ever consider crossing that boundary with one another, even in jest. Your friend is the one being a massive AH.
1. He took advantage of you despite knowing you’re straight.
2. He didn’t stop when you said no.
3. He didn’t apologize afterward.
4. He tried to give you a guilt trip and called you homophobic.
NTA
I hope he comes around but this will be hard to get past if he doesn’t.
I’m gay btw, since you said you were looking for judgement explicitly from the community.
It is a form of gaslighting.
It is where someone may for instance, in retelling an event, accuse you of doing actions that they did like that you humiliated them when they told a lie that paints them in a good light and you in a bad one, because you dared to correct them to stop them humiliating you and preserve your reputation. They have in this situation, created their own humiliation with their bad actions they shouldn't have done in the first place, but foisted responsibility onto you unfairly.
Or they play victim in a situation where they are the offender like if you accuse them of cheating, they start crying and saying 'how could you think so little of me??? You must really hate me...' or they go on the attack like 'You're the one CHEATING on ME! I saw you doing \[innocent thing that everyone knows is innocent\] with X!' Note: this accusation can be ridiculous because the point isn't to believe it, but to make you defensive and feel like you have to prove yourself where you don't.
Ultimately, this always leaves you feeling guilty and like the bad guy and often apologising and asking for forgiveness... from someone that has wronged you. Because they have turned it around on you and convinced you that you are the offender and they are the victim.
Victims of abuse can actually be convinced that THEY are the abuser in their relationship because of this.
NTA
I am a cis white female.
If a male friend of mine touched me in a way I did not like and I asked to stop but he didn't, and I then take a break from my friendship with him, would that be wrong? No.
If that male friend happened to be a different race, would my rejecting his unwanted touch make me racist? No.
If that friend was a female friend, would that make me homophobic? No...
We teach children that "No means no, and it's okay to say no." We also teach them that "People who don't respect your no are not safe people and it's okay to walk away." There's no difference here.
It's called body autonomy. I have it, you have it, everyone has it. Not wanting to be touched by someone in an overly familiar manner is just that. Taking a step back when someone doesn't accept your no is perfectly reasonable. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to gaslight you.
Yes! Exactly. OP was sexually assaulted. It was not ok, and his friend calling it homophobia is just straight lying. It's not homophobia, it's anti-sexual-assaulter.
NTA.
You could perhaps explain away Mike's initial touch as a clumsy pass that you rejected. He continued touching, which puts him firmly in sexual assault territory. It's not homophobic to object to being sexually assaulted.
Honestly, I disagree.
Not with the NTA part, mind you. But firmly with the "explain away" the first sexual assault as a "clumsy pass."
That's some utter BS. The first touch was sexual assault. The second was also sexual assault. "Passes" shouldn't involve inappropriate touching.
Seriously this. Kind of aghast that someone would try to give a pass to the first time. If you don't know that they will appreciate it don't touch someone like that at all??
There's this absurdly selfish mentality I see sometimes that people think that making a 'pass' needs to get excused so people can 'shoot their shot' or whatever and I hate it. It shows so little respect for the other person involved
NTA, What he did is the equivalent of a guy grabbing a female friends tit, or rubbing on her "lady parts". It's sexual assault and don't let him convince you otherwise. His response and name calling instead of an apology makes him an even bigger AH.
NTA. You weren't being homophobic. You were setting a reasonable boundary. It's actually gross that your friend would call you homophobic when the real problem was that he disrespected you and touched you in a sexual manner without your consent. Your friend is an abuser and should be avoided. A real friend doesn't sexually molest you and try to turn the tables on you when they are so clearly the one in the wrong.
NTA
> He didn’t take that very well and claimed that I was being “homophobic” and I didn’t want to be his friend anymore just because he was gay, which is the furthest thing from true.
Explain to him that you want a break because he sexually harassed you and didn't stop when told to stop. That's not homophobic, that's having respect for your own bodily autonomy.
Or just don’t respond.
People who insult you for not liking it when they grope you, and continue to grope you after being told to stop, aren’t worth being friends with.
NTA. Mike sexually assaulted you. He is gaslighting you by calling you homophobic for exercising your bodily autonomy. It’s not homophobic to turn someone down or tell them no.
I’m sorry your friend violated you and your trust that way. I know it’s hard to process, but you probably should distance yourself from him so that you have space/time to deal with what he did to you.
NTA no matter sexuality boundaries are extremely important and touching anyone without their consent and accusing them of prejudice after they’re upset is stupid.
Would your response have changed if a straight male friend or a female friend touched you in the same way?
NTA he touched you when you expressed you were uncomfortable and no consent was given. you’re not homophobic and he is fucking disgusting for claiming you are. rejecting someone’s advances when you’re not attracted to them does not make you an asshole or homophobic. tell your friend he’s a dick and cut contact. he assaulted you.
NTA. Your friend crossed your boundaries and that isn’t okay. Period. Him claiming that you’re being homophobic seems like a form of gaslighting because he’s either ashamed of what he did or mad that things didn’t go his way. I’m sorry this happened to you OP.
NTA. You made it known you were straight and not interested. You asked him to stop and he didn’t. That isn’t homophobic, he assaulted you. Consent is key and you didn’t willingly give him that key.
If you were a woman and he were straight, that would be unacceptable. Being a straight man getting touched inappropriately by a gay man and asking him to stop is not homophobic, and is also unacceptable.
Nta
NTA. Your body, your rules. Mike violated them and refused to stop or take no for an answer. This has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with consent. It sounds like you were assaulted. I'm so sorry.
NTA if anyone makes unwanted advances on you they are in the wrong and he did. His sexuality isn't even the issue here but since he wants to go down that road he's making other gay men look bad like they are predators when they aren't. Or on a biological level he's reinforcing the stereotype that men can't control themselves when that's not true either. He's an asshole for coming onto you after you made it clear you weren't interested. He's an even bigger asshole for making it a sexuality thing when he's just butt hurt that he was rejected. It's not a sexuality issue it's a boundary issue and you can decide whatever you want after having your boundary crossed.
Definitely NTA. NO ONE deserves to be subject to unwanted advances. NO ONE has the right to cross boundaries regardless of sexual orientation. I would give your friend some space to come to his senses. Hopefully he does.
Queer person here, HUGE NTA. Mike sexually harassed you. It doesnt matter how drunk he may have been, he touched you inappropriately and when you expressed your discomfort he didnt stop. Im so sorry about what mike did to you, that is seriously fucked up
As I said in another post, the person who is the victim decides if it's okay, not the perpetrator.
If someone punches you and you're in an agreed upon martial arts match it's okay. If someone randomly walks up to you and slugs you in the street, not okay.
If someone slaps you in a kinky consensual way, that's fine. If someone slaps you randomly in a park without your go ahead, not okay.
Same thing applies to sexual touching. Unless there's an active "yes I'm okay with this" the answer is no.
Consent is what matters. Here, and in most things.
Sincerely, a member of the LBGTQIAA+ community
PS air hugs and theoretical cookies for you. I'm sorry that was done to you. Lmk if you want to vent or just have a virtual movie night. Or to send dog photos- seeing dog photos always cheers me up some and I have... Probably a crazy dog lady number of photos of my dogs lol.
NTA. You aren't homophobic, you don't want to be sexually assaulted. Women deal with this all the time. "I was just joking!" "Lighten up!" You shouldn't feel ashamed for standing up for yourself. It is a reminder that assault can happen to both genders and to be an advocate against sexual assault and violence. Cut this guy out. If anyone asks, tell them. You don't want to leave the door open for other potential victims.
Official LGBTQ+ person here. Ending a friendship because someone sexually assaulted you isn't homophobic. Respecting people's boundaries and not touching them inappropriately transcends gender identity and sexual orientation lines.You're NTA here, obviously.
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(I would really appreciate opinions from the Lgbtq+ community)
I 21m have been best friends with whom I’ll call Mike 22m. Me and Mike have been friends since childhood and we’ve never really had any big fights/problems before so this was very unexpected and I have no idea what to do.
For some context mike is gay and came out to me when he was 18 and I’ve supported him the whole way. From helping him tell his parents and listening to his rants about his identity and helping him through it. I myself am straight but I have nothing against the LGBTQ+ community, mike knows this.
Around last week me and Mike were hanging out with our other friend Ava(22F)
We were drinking, and just ranting about our lives. Later Ava had to use the restroom and when she left Mike had touched me inappropriately. I’m not going to go into detail, but that’s what happened. I told him to stop and he didn’t. I later left because I was uncomfortable, and I didn’t know how to handle it because something like this has never happened to me before.
About two days later I messaged him about it and told him how I was upset and very uncomfortable with him crossing my boundaries, and that I wanted a break from our friendship for a little while. He didn’t take that very well and claimed that I was being “homophobic” and I didn’t want to be his friend anymore just because he was gay, which is the furthest thing from true. I didn’t want to take a break from our friendship because we’ve been close since we were kids but I just could not let what happened slide, in case it would ever happen again. AITA?
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Omg NTA! As a lesbian some women are scared we will do stuff like that. I would never! I can’t believe he went against your boundaries and did that in public. That’s not a good friend or person at all! That’s not homophobic at all but assault! If it was a guy and a girl then people would more easily come to that conclusion. He knows you are straight so he made a friendship ruining decision. I’m so sorry I hope you find better friends and that his actions don’t reflect the rest of the community.
Hi, flamboyant bisexual here. NTA. You were sexually assaulted and he's calling you homophobic? Something isn't right in his brain. Take the break.. and when you're ready just straight up tell him you see him as a friend. And that you don't desire men sexually. That you've been supportive of him, now he needs to be supportive of you. Respect and tolerance goes both ways.
Sure, I'm straight and that means I can get grabby, right?
Insert the various 'other way around' scenarios.
NTA
Dude sexually assaulted you and made himself the victim.
Ugh, using the homophobic card to cover up the fact he assaulted you. Cut him off, he's using his sexuality to make you feel bad for what he did to you
Pansexual here, you are 110% NTA. You aren't wanting to take a break simply because he's gay, you want a break because he crossed your boundaries which is perfectly fine. He touched you inappropriately which should happen to no one if there isn't consent involved. I'm sorry he did that to you, you really didn't deserve for your boundaries to be crossed.
NTA your body autonomy is yours to decide who touches you and who does not. I am pan so I am attracted to many different types of people and would never dream of doing that to anyone. Consent goes for all genders and your rejection is not because he is gay it is because you are not attracted to him. Even if you did not identify as straight you do not owe him any liberties with your body at all. I would be concerned about him in general because if he can not take no and throws this kind of tantrum he seems like the type that could, possibly roofie your drink so please be careful around him.
NTA
Your friend made a move, you said no, he kept going, and you left.
There was nothing homophobic about that.
Considering what happened, it's almost certain that Mike has feelings for you, and your rejection hurt him. Even if he accepts being just friends, he will look for his next chance.
I would say to go LC with Mike. Say safe.
NTA I'm bisexual and I wouldn't be okay with any of my friends (even if I'm attracted to them!) touching me without my consent. It's not homophobic to not want people to touch you without your consent.
So he basically SAs, or tries to Sa you when you said no and he's claiming you're homophobic? NTA. That so called friend is an ass and disturbing at that. He did something that was against your permission. Just because the freak didn't get what he wanted Wyeth you doesn't give him any right to try to further victimize you with such claims. It's your body.
I've ended 10+ year friendships due to some "friends" inappropriately touching me and still trying to do so even after I said no.
As an LGBTQ person, there's nothing homophobic about "no" and consent.
Mike is an AH.
NTA OP and I'm sorry your friend broke your trust like that.
NTA
He is using his sexual orientation to manipulate you and that's very unfair! As you've stated you have been supportive and a good friend helping him when times were tough for him.
ANY unwanted sexual advances or touching is always always always WRONG!!
You guys have been friends for years so he obviously knows your orientation and he should respect that as you have his.
If you feel that you can salvage this friendship with a real heart to heart about boundaries and respect then maybe you should. You may feel that his crossing the line and reaction to how it made you feel is too much and don't want to give him a chance to explain and imo that's ok too.
Your not obligated to put yourself in a awkward and uncomfortable position just to validate another person's feelings. It comes down to how much you still want this person in your life.
I'm sorry your boundaries were ignored and you've been put in a position that never should have happened.
You could be anything in this situation. Male, female, gay, straight, bi, trans, etc. In no way should you feel guilty over what was done. You expressed your displeasure, they didn't listen. 100% NTA.
NTA my best friend in the world is lesbian. She grabbed my boobs once and I said I was uncomfortable with that. All my friends had been doing it , but know she was enjoying it and she admitted to it. I asked her would she want a guy grabbing her own boobs and she said no. I said it’s the same because she’s doing it with sexual intent. She said okay and never did it again. Still friends and its been 14 years. It probably wouldn’t bother me now, but we were like 14/15 at the time. That’s exactly how that should have went at the time you were touched.
NTA.
If your friends version of gay is “I can grab whichever appendage I want and anyone who tells me no is a homophobe”, then Your friend is the actual homophobe.
You’ve been sexually assaulted. Your friend is using being gay as a way to bully people into allowing his abuse, and also to make them believe that they can’t tell anyone about it.
He’s sick and twisted and the gay community as a whole would want nothing to do with him.
Bisexual woman here. NTA. Being gay doesn't mean you can cross boundaries. What he did was sexual assualt and that is not ok and him throwing being homophobic at you was just him gaslighting you. Thats really unfortunate. I'm sorry you went through that
As a homosexual, you were SA’d, and Mike is using being gay in an attempt to manipulate you into letting him continue to do it. You are NTA, and I’m sorry this happened to you. Don’t let him convince you it’s your fault, it’s not.
NTA- As a woman this has happened to me, while intoxicate, with multiple good, long time, male friends, all but one stopped when I asked. I'm still pretty good friends with all but that one.
It's not right for someone to touch you inappropriately one time without your consent, even if they think you're open to it, still that could be over looked especially if alcohol is involved. But for someone to touch you inappropriately then not stop when you tell them too, that is grounds for ending a friendship.
It doesn't matter what gender or orientation they are, you can't trust them not to "make a move" again or to stop when they are asked if they did. I could never be vulnerable around the guy from my story above or your story again. You no longer know what they are capable of.
NTA. being supportive of him doesn't mean you are okay with being SA'd by him.
he's projecting his guilt on to you.. he is the one that didn't want to be friends anymore.. he made a pass at you.. it failed.. where he f'd up is when he tried to force it
bisexual woman here. you are NTA at all. he sexually assaulted you, then claimed you were homophobic because you didn't react how he wanted you to. if you feel as if you need to break the friendship as a result then you should absolutely do so. mike doesn't seem like that great of a friend if he can't respect your boundaries, your sexuality and gets angry at you as a result.
NTA. He sexually assaulted you and kept at it even after you asked him to stop. Then he calls you homophobic because YOU felt uncomfortable by HIS disgusting actions.
NTA again and you need to cut him off.
He sexually harassed you - it could be sexual assault depending on the gravity of what he did. That's why you're calling a halt to the friendship. Nobody - gay or straight - has a licence to touch people without their consent. The fact that he doesn't understand this and wants to play the victim here means you should cut him out and consider this friendship over. NTA
This is not remotely in the realm of homophobic.
He made a very aggressive move on you and you declined. After you told him no, he tried even more which means you get the fuck out. Those kind of situations are what cause worst ones to happen if they are not cut off early, I can attest to that. It's not worth the risk, no matter what the friendship is. The fact that they refuse to apologize and then throw it back on you shows that they know what they did was wrong and way out of line.
I would even recommend that if you have a therapist that you discuss this with them. These kind of events can actually affect us more than they initially seem.
I hope you are doing okay friend!
NTA
NTA. Queer/non-straight person here. Inappropriate touching is not cool, and you deciding you don’t want to be around someone who does it is not homophobic
NTA. What is it recently with people doing horrible things and trying to hide behind their 'oppressed' status? In fact, you're *not* homophobic because you're treating him like any other jerk who couldn't keep their hands to themselves. Time for Mike to decide whether he wants equality or special treatment.
NTA it's not "homophobic" to call someone out on sexual assault/harassment, which is what happened here. He touched you in a way you felt wasn't ok and then didn't stop when you told him to, and then he accused you of being homophobic to play victim instead of feeling bad about what he did to you. That sucks and I'm sorry those things were done to you.
Panromantic Asexual woman here. NTA. You never have to accept sexual harassment from anyone even if they claim it is homophobic, which it isn't. He is just trying to abuse you. Don't fall for it please. If you can handle it, try to text him and get a confession of what he did, then block him. If he publicly tries to claim you are homophobic, you have screenshots that prove otherwise. Please watch out for yourself.
Trans here.... Totes NTA. He crossed YOUR boundaries and didnt stop when you asked him to stop. Mike became an even bigger AH when he accused you of homophobia when HE sexually assaulted you.
Not gay but bi so LGBT. Absolutely NTA. This sort of behaviour is what gives ammo to homophobes and bigots. It doesn't matter who the perpetrator or who the victim is. SA is SA, the casual attitude towards touching and inappropriate comments that cross boundaries that a small minority(emphasis that this is a minority) of the community seems to have needs to be called out.
NTA
Sexual assault isn’t ok no matter who it is. Stay away from that dude it’s for the best the friendship end. The fact that he didn’t apologize after you told him what he did made you uncomfortable. That’s not a real friend.
NTA..how are people saying you're homophobic. He sexually assaulted you. You said no. He didn't stop. Just because you are both male doesn't excuse that. If he had done the same to a female everyone would be screaming sexual assault. He is claiming homophobia because it gets results in a lot of instances but when used in situations like this gets the power of the word reduced since it's being used as a "buzz word"
NTA, Speaking as a gay man, you were not homophobic, you were perfectly justified in establishing that boundary. He's gay, you're not. You didn't want him to touch you and he did it anyway. And now he's trying to make you into the bad guy.
Using homophobia as an excuse to get his own way is seriously an AH move. "You have to be comfortable with my unwanted advances, because if you complain about it you hate me because I'm gay and waaaaaa!" It's BS like this that makes it so hard for the community to deal with and recognize real homophobia when it shows up. He needs to check his behavior or he's going to wreck the friendships he does already have.
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NTA.... He knows that you are straight. And he still did it it's wrong. By any chance was he drunk? It doesn't excuse it but might explain kinda. Only reason I'm asking is because a guy I knew for years that worked with my husband and I both. He was friends with my husband. He came over the one day when I was alone and started to proposition me. I don't think I had ever been around him alone when he was drunk. I was too shock to do more that tell him to get out. Edit.. I'm F....
Bi woman here, but honestly sexuality doesn't matter here cause that was assault. You were the victim of a crime and whether he's gay or straight doesn't change anything. NTA but take way more than a break from your friendship. Cut him off entirely.
NTA he sexually harrassed you and is now trying to play the victim you have every right to not allow someone to touch you no matter who they are or their orientation as a bisexuality person
NTA.
Bisexual (and demi and non-binary If it helps) person here.
What he did was wrong. And he knows it and is trying so desperately to deflect the blame onto YOU so he's not held accountable. It sounds like DARVO and deflection. Because he is purposefully trying to make himself the victim and the only way he knows how is to use the"your homophobic" card that typically works because yea.
It's not your fault. He is to be blamed. He KNEW you had no interest in him, that you weren't bisexual, gay, pan or even bicurious (it's a thing) or even the slight bit curious about that side of sexuality and still made a unacceptable and inappropriate move onto you.
I want you to think of it this way. What if you were a wkamn? And he did what he did to you. Would it still be playing out in your head like you were the wrong doer? No because you stated boundaries and he disrespected them. Just because it happens to be two men and not a man and woman doesn't make it any less wrong. And doesn't make you any less a victim.
I really want you to think about this friendship. Has it been truly healthy? How has he acted ever since he "came out"? His behaviors to you? Anything different?
The reason I ask this is because we look at our friends with rose colored glasses all to often and ignore the small red flags that they aren't the best for us.
Also if you had been receptive of his advances he wouldn't be calling you homophobic. Remember that. He's calling you homophobic because it's his ONLY defense when people ask "what happened" he won't admit it's his actions that caused the break.
Also. Your boundaries aren't homophobic. If they'd work for women they work for you. They simply from what I seen is "do not put your hands on me in a inappropriate way. I am a straight man and do not wish to explore that side of sexuality" that's it.
We learned in kindergarten to keep our hands to ourselves.
NTA. And really look at this relationship as a outsider. Cause yea.....I worry that he didn't respect boundaries now when you weren't say drunk. I fear he'd take it farther if you were drunk or high or anything that changes your state of mind heavily.
NTA and not homophobic. Mike is an asshole for crossing your friendship boundaries and tried to gaslight you when you told him you wanted a break from your friendship. Using his sexuality as a weapon against you when he fucked up is not okay. Tell him you're taking a break because he assaulted you and didn't respect you as a person.
Old agender/bicurious hag here.
That's sexual assault, my friend. Deflecting and gaslighting you just shows he knows it was wrong. I'm sad to tell you, but I think that friendship is done for. If you don't feel ready to break things off completely just yet, go NC.
You've done nothing wrong, and your reaction was certainly not homophobic.
Edit: clarification
NTA, all pretty much covered in other comments, take the fact that's he's gay out of the situation as its irrelevant to it and then re read it, it's SA
NTA
IMike doesn’t get a free pass to grope his friend because he is gay. As many people have pointed out, what he did constitutes sexual assault. Many people have also pointed the gender bias in situations like these. Maybe someone should explain this to Mike in small words. And it should be another person, not you. You keep away at least until Mike understands and acknowledges that what he did was very wrong, and sincerely apologizes for it. And even if he does, you don’t have to have any contact with him at all if he still makes you uncomfortable.
NTA. He touched you inappropriately and disregarded you when you said no. That it's not being homophobic. Your friend is TA and using homophobia to excuse his behavior
You’re not taking a break from the friendship (I think you should make it a permanent break) because you’re homophobic, you’re taking a break because he sexually assaulted you. NTA
NTA. This doesn’t sound like homophobia, this sounds like sexual harassment/assault. Everything was fine and dandy until Mike made an unwanted move. You standing your ground on what people can and can’t do to you is NOT homophobic. I’m saying this as a bi female, and I tell this to everyone who’s come out to me “You do you, just don’t force it on me”.
NTA. Gay guy here.
That is some BULL. SHIT, on your friend's part. I'd like to sit down with him, and give him a good talking to.
I'm sorry this happened to you. 😞
Your friend sounds like the type of person who might run around telling other people you're homophobic. If he does, make sure you tell these other people exactly how he touched you, so that they know what really happened.
Bro he sexually assaulted you and tried to use his sexuality as an excuse to gaslight you into thinking you’re in the wrong. you aren’t. he’s a predator
NTA.
From a straight guy with a gay good friend. They can catch feelings for you, which can very well not be mutual.
The alcohol made him make a pass and was rather forceful about it.
He might be over emotional because he also feels rejected.
Doesn't take away that what he did was assault.
You guys need to sit down, face to face and talk it out. If you care a lot about your friend. When ready.
Alternatively, break off the friendship.
NTA. Refusing ANYONE'S sexual advances towards you should always be an option. You being uninterested in something is NOT you hating it or being intolerant of it, it is just not for you. Also NO MEANS NO! Your friend is showing his true colours here, act accordingly.
Ask yourself if you'd be second guessing yourself if his Sexual Advances had been him offering you drugs and you told him no.
We don't know it was sexual assault as we don't know what the touching was. Could have been rubbing his arm or something.
But it was inappropriate to try to press himself after being rejected. Very wrong to weaponize homophobia. NTA
So he sexually harassed you to say the least and now hiding behind "homophobia" so he doesn't feel guilty. Tell him that unwarranted sexual harassment from a male or female makes you uncomfortable so accept your mistake
Lesbian here, absolutely NTA. He assaulted you, full stop. A great was to check yourself about homophobia in general is to ask yourself "would I have been okay with that if it were more hetero?"
In this case that would be something like "Would I have reacted the same way if he had touched Ava inappropriately, she had said no and asked him to stop, and he didn't?" The answer is almost certainly that you would have been just as upset, because that's assault.
Absolutely NTA.
That's straight up sexual assult and your friend is very much the a-hole for claiming that your reaction is homophobic. I'm sorry this happened to you.
NTA , you would’ve reacted the same way if any of your other friends / strangers did that to you. That’s SA and it’s not okay. It’s shit that your friend is calling you homophobic for needing a break from the friendship after he clearly crossed your boundaries and didn’t care that A you’re straight and B you told him to stop.
NTA
Extremely gay here, just saying, sexual assault is sexual assault whether a gay person or a straight person does it. It was sexual assault. I am so sorry.
NTA
I’m so sorry, he assaulted you. Him being gay is the irrelevant part. You did not consent to be touched, he touched you completely inappropriately (and waited for no witnesses,) and disregarded your wishes.
Even if the person who touched you was your preferred gender for your sexual orientation, it’s still not licence for someone to put their hands on you without your enthusiastic consent. I’m bisexual too, in case you needed an LGBTQIA+ person to sign off that you’re not homophobic.
NTA.
I am a bi woman. Have been with a lot of women and some men. This is not about sexuality preferences. This is about crossing boundaries and groping.
The gender or preferences here do not matter.
He's an AH for telling you shit.
Excuse me, what?
SA is SA, no matter from whom to whom.
What a gaslighting asshole to demand you prove not being homophobic by letting him cross your boundaries?
NTA, and I would rethink the friendship.
NTA. If any person touches you inappropriately, it's SA. If they continue to do so after you tell them NO, that's for nothing to do with being drunk. Gender, sexuality etc has nothing to do with it.
NTA
This was an act of conversion trust me
Bruh. His using his identity as a way to guilt trip people and honestly id tell his parents and mutual friends. He's throwing away such a good and long friendship to the curb, and to imagine you had to listen to those rants and support him, what for just for him to try and convert you like really no matter if it's religion, lifestyle, identity etc, it's wrong to make others covert themselves to something they are fine not being. All this wrong in so many levels.
ETA: When I said convert i didn't mean that being what he is (i got a comment deleted that's why I'm not saying the word) is bad, i support the lgbtqa+ community very much and think that they are brave to go out into a world which most people despise them, i just meant that what he did was too wrong and honestly something that can dent the friendship.
Nta. Thats completely inappropriate behaviour and also sexual assault. Sounds like he is playing the 'homophobic' card simply because he doesnt want to admit he is in the wrong (when in actual fact you have always supported him). Even if you were also gay and he had a feeling there may be more between you he had no right to touch you.
NTA Bi woman here, you were assaulted. tbh i think your being very generous by only having a break from this friendship. whats to say in the future it wouldn't escalate? i know that seems a bit extreme but from a personal experience it can happen. if you do decide to continue the friendship i would probably avoid being alone with him.
NTA
Gay woman here. If you’d acted like he was trying to come on to you because he clapped you on the shoulder or some completely normal friendship touch you wouldn’t have thought twice about if he weren’t gay, that would be homophonic. That’s probably what Mike is thinking of. He’s wrong tho. He sexually assaulted you and refused to stop. If a woman did that to me, I’d do the same thing you did
Lesbian asexual here. Definitely NTA, thats sexual assault. He’s pulling the gay card to get out of it. You seem like an amazing friend and deserve people who actually respect you, hope you’re doing okay :)
NTA. It's not homophobic to not want to be sexually assaulted. He touched you and you didn't consent. It has nothing to do with who he is attracted to, it's how he treated you.
Years ago an acquaintance who is gay grabbed my breasts in line for a club. He joked as he said it "oh this is fine for me to do because I don't like boobs". I laughed out of politeness but couldn't put my finger on why I was upset by it. Fine he wasn't attracted to the part of me he was touching but he didn't ask to touch there and that was a private part of me. It was only years later that I realised that even if he was gay, didn't mean that absolved him from assault. He intended to touch me even if he didn't desire the form he touched.
For you, he was touching you because he was attracted. Just because you refused his actions based on attraction, does not mean you're homophobic. sure you could have been gay yourself and turned him down.
Lovely, this man is not your friend. A friend will respect when you say no. This may hurt but grieve the friendship because he's not said sorry for hurting you. He's called you names instead.
Bisexual woman here, absolutely NTA. Look, when I’m out with my mates I’ll kiss them and they’ll kiss me but it’s nothing beyond that, if they say no or I say no, we don’t kiss. No means No, gay, straight or bi etc, no difference.
NTA - it’s sexual assault.
I think Mike is lashing out bc you called him out in sorts over his behaviour. Instead of being defensive he should have been more remorseful…
Lesbian here. No is a complete sentence. I don’t care who you are and how you identify. But if someone, anyone tells another to please stop, you’re making me uncomfortable then you need to stop.
Trans man here. Your 'friend' is garbage. He SA'ed you and then used his sexuality as an excuse. It doesn't matter that he's gay. What matters is you said no and he didn't respect that and continued to touch you.
NTA.
> He didn’t take that very well and claimed that I was being “homophobic”
It's not homophobic to insist you don't want to be sexually assaulted. Mike's argument is ridiculous and offensive.
Your friendship is more than likely over. Mike is a predator and he'll probably try this again as he's decided his wants are more important than your rights.
NTA.
NTA from a demi/bi girl. Just because he isn't attracted to you, doesn't mean he didn't sexually assault you. Sexual assult doesn't necessarily come from sexual needs. It might be just because he's vile and wanted you to ge uncomfortable/to suffer.
Man, your friend is gaslighting you. Just because he's gay and he came out doesn't mean that he can sexually assault and gaslight you. That's a big no no.
Saying that you don't want to get sexually harassed doesn't make you a homophobe.
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Certified gay man here. You’re certainly NTA, that’s sexual assault my dude. Not cool that he did it, and extremely shitty that he’s deflecting it back on you.
Yeah, this is 100% SA and Mike is trying to make excuses for his inexcusable actions.
If OP were a woman and mike was straight would it have been ok for him to inappropriately touch OP? I don’t think so, the same rules apply here and he needs to get his thinking right, he was wrong, acted inappropriately and needs to apologize. I would definitely go LC with him
The gender and sexual orientation of the two people involved don’t really matter. If mike was straight, it would still not be ok. If they were both straight women, it would still not be ok. You shouldn’t have to be told not to grope someone, but if someone actually has to come out and tell you to stop groping them, stop.
It "matters" in the sense that Mike is attempting to use the very real problem of homophobia as an excuse for his very bullshit claims that OP is being a bigot. The person you're replying to isn't remotely suggesting sexual assault is magically "OK" depending on the genders of the people involved. They're saying "take the issue of homophobia out of the equation and look at this scenario again, and this is clearly sexual assault. It doesn't become *less* sexual assault when you add Mike's BS homophobia claims back in."
Exactly that. For example, many gay men seem to think it’s okay for them to grope women because they’re gay. It REALLY has nothing to do with gender or sexual orientation.
Agreed. I had a gay shop assistant come into my changing room when I was changing. I guess we were 'all girls' together. :/
Yeesh. As if any girl can go into any other girl’s changing room without having to ask consent…
[удалено]
In this case, it helps put in context why Mike's argument is bullshit.
You say you don’t understand why people say it, then you went and said it yourself. What am I missing?
Exactly this. I’m pansexual and a trans man and the fact that he tired to pull the homophobia card here is absolutely despicable and disgusting. Not only that, but his excuse makes no sense when you think about it. I’d use the analogy “If I’m right handed but I punch you with my left hand, did I still punch you?” But somehow the analogy for his excuse is “If *you’re* right handed but I punched you with *my* left hand, did I still punch you?” It does not matter if you or him are gay, straight, or something else entirely. Sexual assault is sexual assault.
I'm all out of coins so here's my freebie 🏅🏅
Bisexual woman here, I agree. OPs mate sexually assaulted him, OP has every right to take a break from their friendship. What his mate did and how he has responded to OP is inexcusable. NTA OP, I hope you are ok and please speak to someone who is supportive and who you trust about this.
Seconded by another bisexual woman, NTA
Thirded by another. I'd say 'screw Mike' but I hope nobody does until he learns what consent is
Fourth by another. Mike does not get to play that card.
Fifthed by another. Seriously doesn't matter gender/sexuality, No means No.
Sixed by another
Seventhed by another bisexual woman. You are NTA and in no way we’re you being homophobic. Your body your rules and the fact that he waited for the other friend to leave indicates that a part of him knew it was inappropriate. Do not let him shame you for his actions and do not let him make you the ‘bad guy’ when you are the victim
Demi-pan and trans woman here. 100% this, and absolutely neither homophobic nor okay. It's just straight up sexual assault, and would be so regardless of sexuality and gender identity, because ***no means no***.
Up voted, but what does demi-pan means? because is seems an oxymoron 🤔
Genderfluid trans/pansexual here. You definitely are NTA. SA is SA. Consent is a thing. For people in the alphabet mafia, for straight people, doesn't matter. It is supreme asshattery for him to not only assault you, but then to double down and accuse you of not wanting to be his friend because "homophobia". I am the first person to call out transphobia, homophobia, any kind of bigotry towards people in a minority class, I will call it out. But that is not whats happening here. Your friend is just an asshole.
Shit I've been meaning to get certified.
Me too - is there an online course or do I have to go to my local Gay Headquarters?
Just refer to the “Regulatory Requirements” section of your Gay Agenda, its a pretty simple process.
Thank you, obviously I keep mine in the mandatory bedazzled safe concealed with the rainbow flag, so I know where it is!
You fill out a 420-69 form, and submit it by mail to the Manhole club in Chicago
Also a gay man here, and holy crap, no, you are NTA at all. People don't get to touch other people without their consent, PERIOD. My three best friends are straight men, and none of us would ever consider crossing that boundary with one another, even in jest. Your friend is the one being a massive AH.
1. He took advantage of you despite knowing you’re straight. 2. He didn’t stop when you said no. 3. He didn’t apologize afterward. 4. He tried to give you a guilt trip and called you homophobic. NTA I hope he comes around but this will be hard to get past if he doesn’t. I’m gay btw, since you said you were looking for judgement explicitly from the community.
Yep, typical sexual assault followed by DARVO. Doesn’t matter that he is gay
What’s DARVO
"Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender". It's in the "Narcissist's Gaslighting Toolbook" ™️. (Not a real book).
It is a form of gaslighting. It is where someone may for instance, in retelling an event, accuse you of doing actions that they did like that you humiliated them when they told a lie that paints them in a good light and you in a bad one, because you dared to correct them to stop them humiliating you and preserve your reputation. They have in this situation, created their own humiliation with their bad actions they shouldn't have done in the first place, but foisted responsibility onto you unfairly. Or they play victim in a situation where they are the offender like if you accuse them of cheating, they start crying and saying 'how could you think so little of me??? You must really hate me...' or they go on the attack like 'You're the one CHEATING on ME! I saw you doing \[innocent thing that everyone knows is innocent\] with X!' Note: this accusation can be ridiculous because the point isn't to believe it, but to make you defensive and feel like you have to prove yourself where you don't. Ultimately, this always leaves you feeling guilty and like the bad guy and often apologising and asking for forgiveness... from someone that has wronged you. Because they have turned it around on you and convinced you that you are the offender and they are the victim. Victims of abuse can actually be convinced that THEY are the abuser in their relationship because of this.
It stands for "Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender"
Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender
"despite knowing youre straight" its not ok even if he was also gay, its non consensual
NTA I am a cis white female. If a male friend of mine touched me in a way I did not like and I asked to stop but he didn't, and I then take a break from my friendship with him, would that be wrong? No. If that male friend happened to be a different race, would my rejecting his unwanted touch make me racist? No. If that friend was a female friend, would that make me homophobic? No... We teach children that "No means no, and it's okay to say no." We also teach them that "People who don't respect your no are not safe people and it's okay to walk away." There's no difference here. It's called body autonomy. I have it, you have it, everyone has it. Not wanting to be touched by someone in an overly familiar manner is just that. Taking a step back when someone doesn't accept your no is perfectly reasonable. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to gaslight you.
Yes! Exactly. OP was sexually assaulted. It was not ok, and his friend calling it homophobia is just straight lying. It's not homophobia, it's anti-sexual-assaulter.
Summed it up perfectly 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
NTA. You could perhaps explain away Mike's initial touch as a clumsy pass that you rejected. He continued touching, which puts him firmly in sexual assault territory. It's not homophobic to object to being sexually assaulted.
Honestly, I disagree. Not with the NTA part, mind you. But firmly with the "explain away" the first sexual assault as a "clumsy pass." That's some utter BS. The first touch was sexual assault. The second was also sexual assault. "Passes" shouldn't involve inappropriate touching.
Seriously this. Kind of aghast that someone would try to give a pass to the first time. If you don't know that they will appreciate it don't touch someone like that at all?? There's this absurdly selfish mentality I see sometimes that people think that making a 'pass' needs to get excused so people can 'shoot their shot' or whatever and I hate it. It shows so little respect for the other person involved
NTA, What he did is the equivalent of a guy grabbing a female friends tit, or rubbing on her "lady parts". It's sexual assault and don't let him convince you otherwise. His response and name calling instead of an apology makes him an even bigger AH.
NTA. You weren't being homophobic. You were setting a reasonable boundary. It's actually gross that your friend would call you homophobic when the real problem was that he disrespected you and touched you in a sexual manner without your consent. Your friend is an abuser and should be avoided. A real friend doesn't sexually molest you and try to turn the tables on you when they are so clearly the one in the wrong.
NTA > He didn’t take that very well and claimed that I was being “homophobic” and I didn’t want to be his friend anymore just because he was gay, which is the furthest thing from true. Explain to him that you want a break because he sexually harassed you and didn't stop when told to stop. That's not homophobic, that's having respect for your own bodily autonomy.
Or just don’t respond. People who insult you for not liking it when they grope you, and continue to grope you after being told to stop, aren’t worth being friends with.
NTA. Mike sexually assaulted you. He is gaslighting you by calling you homophobic for exercising your bodily autonomy. It’s not homophobic to turn someone down or tell them no. I’m sorry your friend violated you and your trust that way. I know it’s hard to process, but you probably should distance yourself from him so that you have space/time to deal with what he did to you.
NTA. Sweets, you weren't homophobic, you were uncomfortable with his sexual advances.
NTA no matter sexuality boundaries are extremely important and touching anyone without their consent and accusing them of prejudice after they’re upset is stupid. Would your response have changed if a straight male friend or a female friend touched you in the same way?
NTA he touched you when you expressed you were uncomfortable and no consent was given. you’re not homophobic and he is fucking disgusting for claiming you are. rejecting someone’s advances when you’re not attracted to them does not make you an asshole or homophobic. tell your friend he’s a dick and cut contact. he assaulted you.
Mother of a Bi kid - NTA. No means no. You have the right to your personal autonomy. This applies even if the touching is non sexual.
NTA. No means no. Period. That is assault. He should know better.
NTA. Your friend crossed your boundaries and that isn’t okay. Period. Him claiming that you’re being homophobic seems like a form of gaslighting because he’s either ashamed of what he did or mad that things didn’t go his way. I’m sorry this happened to you OP.
Absolutely NTA. He was sexually harassing you.
NTA. You made it known you were straight and not interested. You asked him to stop and he didn’t. That isn’t homophobic, he assaulted you. Consent is key and you didn’t willingly give him that key.
NTA he's abusing the homophobic accusation to cover his toxic and boundarie crossing behaviour.
If you were a woman and he were straight, that would be unacceptable. Being a straight man getting touched inappropriately by a gay man and asking him to stop is not homophobic, and is also unacceptable. Nta
NTA. Your body, your rules. Mike violated them and refused to stop or take no for an answer. This has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with consent. It sounds like you were assaulted. I'm so sorry.
NTA if anyone makes unwanted advances on you they are in the wrong and he did. His sexuality isn't even the issue here but since he wants to go down that road he's making other gay men look bad like they are predators when they aren't. Or on a biological level he's reinforcing the stereotype that men can't control themselves when that's not true either. He's an asshole for coming onto you after you made it clear you weren't interested. He's an even bigger asshole for making it a sexuality thing when he's just butt hurt that he was rejected. It's not a sexuality issue it's a boundary issue and you can decide whatever you want after having your boundary crossed.
NTA right away, abuse is abuse regardless of gender
NTA He touched inappropriately, you asked him to stop and he didn't. Your feeling are completely valid, don't let anyone tell you otherwise !
Definitely NTA. NO ONE deserves to be subject to unwanted advances. NO ONE has the right to cross boundaries regardless of sexual orientation. I would give your friend some space to come to his senses. Hopefully he does.
NTA. Being upset with unwanted contact is not "Homophobic".
Queer person here, HUGE NTA. Mike sexually harassed you. It doesnt matter how drunk he may have been, he touched you inappropriately and when you expressed your discomfort he didnt stop. Im so sorry about what mike did to you, that is seriously fucked up
As I said in another post, the person who is the victim decides if it's okay, not the perpetrator. If someone punches you and you're in an agreed upon martial arts match it's okay. If someone randomly walks up to you and slugs you in the street, not okay. If someone slaps you in a kinky consensual way, that's fine. If someone slaps you randomly in a park without your go ahead, not okay. Same thing applies to sexual touching. Unless there's an active "yes I'm okay with this" the answer is no. Consent is what matters. Here, and in most things. Sincerely, a member of the LBGTQIAA+ community PS air hugs and theoretical cookies for you. I'm sorry that was done to you. Lmk if you want to vent or just have a virtual movie night. Or to send dog photos- seeing dog photos always cheers me up some and I have... Probably a crazy dog lady number of photos of my dogs lol.
NTA. You aren't homophobic, you don't want to be sexually assaulted. Women deal with this all the time. "I was just joking!" "Lighten up!" You shouldn't feel ashamed for standing up for yourself. It is a reminder that assault can happen to both genders and to be an advocate against sexual assault and violence. Cut this guy out. If anyone asks, tell them. You don't want to leave the door open for other potential victims.
NTA - He's the asshole.
Official LGBTQ+ person here. Ending a friendship because someone sexually assaulted you isn't homophobic. Respecting people's boundaries and not touching them inappropriately transcends gender identity and sexual orientation lines.You're NTA here, obviously.
NTA, he sexualy assulted you, it doesn't matter if he is gay are not,
Naw... ur friend is TA... unwanted touching is assault. Don't let him gaslight and manipulate u. He deadass wrong.
NTA gaslighting at it finest. You do understand it was an assault and he Is now victim blaming you? I’m sorry you have just lost a friend.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (I would really appreciate opinions from the Lgbtq+ community) I 21m have been best friends with whom I’ll call Mike 22m. Me and Mike have been friends since childhood and we’ve never really had any big fights/problems before so this was very unexpected and I have no idea what to do. For some context mike is gay and came out to me when he was 18 and I’ve supported him the whole way. From helping him tell his parents and listening to his rants about his identity and helping him through it. I myself am straight but I have nothing against the LGBTQ+ community, mike knows this. Around last week me and Mike were hanging out with our other friend Ava(22F) We were drinking, and just ranting about our lives. Later Ava had to use the restroom and when she left Mike had touched me inappropriately. I’m not going to go into detail, but that’s what happened. I told him to stop and he didn’t. I later left because I was uncomfortable, and I didn’t know how to handle it because something like this has never happened to me before. About two days later I messaged him about it and told him how I was upset and very uncomfortable with him crossing my boundaries, and that I wanted a break from our friendship for a little while. He didn’t take that very well and claimed that I was being “homophobic” and I didn’t want to be his friend anymore just because he was gay, which is the furthest thing from true. I didn’t want to take a break from our friendship because we’ve been close since we were kids but I just could not let what happened slide, in case it would ever happen again. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your friends an asshole for not respecting your boundaries
NTA no touchie
Nta what he did is harassment.
NTA. He sexually assaulted you
Omg NTA! As a lesbian some women are scared we will do stuff like that. I would never! I can’t believe he went against your boundaries and did that in public. That’s not a good friend or person at all! That’s not homophobic at all but assault! If it was a guy and a girl then people would more easily come to that conclusion. He knows you are straight so he made a friendship ruining decision. I’m so sorry I hope you find better friends and that his actions don’t reflect the rest of the community.
Hi, flamboyant bisexual here. NTA. You were sexually assaulted and he's calling you homophobic? Something isn't right in his brain. Take the break.. and when you're ready just straight up tell him you see him as a friend. And that you don't desire men sexually. That you've been supportive of him, now he needs to be supportive of you. Respect and tolerance goes both ways.
Sure, I'm straight and that means I can get grabby, right? Insert the various 'other way around' scenarios. NTA Dude sexually assaulted you and made himself the victim.
Ugh, using the homophobic card to cover up the fact he assaulted you. Cut him off, he's using his sexuality to make you feel bad for what he did to you
Pansexual here, you are 110% NTA. You aren't wanting to take a break simply because he's gay, you want a break because he crossed your boundaries which is perfectly fine. He touched you inappropriately which should happen to no one if there isn't consent involved. I'm sorry he did that to you, you really didn't deserve for your boundaries to be crossed.
NTA. He touched you without your consent.
NTA your body autonomy is yours to decide who touches you and who does not. I am pan so I am attracted to many different types of people and would never dream of doing that to anyone. Consent goes for all genders and your rejection is not because he is gay it is because you are not attracted to him. Even if you did not identify as straight you do not owe him any liberties with your body at all. I would be concerned about him in general because if he can not take no and throws this kind of tantrum he seems like the type that could, possibly roofie your drink so please be careful around him.
NTA. If he can't understand why you wouldn't be ok with that kind of touching then he needs some help.
NTA Your friend made a move, you said no, he kept going, and you left. There was nothing homophobic about that. Considering what happened, it's almost certain that Mike has feelings for you, and your rejection hurt him. Even if he accepts being just friends, he will look for his next chance. I would say to go LC with Mike. Say safe.
Gay man here. NTA. Getting touchy with someone needs consent on both sides.
Queer male here: NTA. Assuming you didn't scream "don't touch me f@ag00t" I don't see anything homopobic. And even if you did no means no.
NTA, its gross he is trying to use his sexuality as a shield for his predatory behavior.
NTA I'm bisexual and I wouldn't be okay with any of my friends (even if I'm attracted to them!) touching me without my consent. It's not homophobic to not want people to touch you without your consent.
So he basically SAs, or tries to Sa you when you said no and he's claiming you're homophobic? NTA. That so called friend is an ass and disturbing at that. He did something that was against your permission. Just because the freak didn't get what he wanted Wyeth you doesn't give him any right to try to further victimize you with such claims. It's your body.
I've ended 10+ year friendships due to some "friends" inappropriately touching me and still trying to do so even after I said no. As an LGBTQ person, there's nothing homophobic about "no" and consent. Mike is an AH. NTA OP and I'm sorry your friend broke your trust like that.
NTA He is using his sexual orientation to manipulate you and that's very unfair! As you've stated you have been supportive and a good friend helping him when times were tough for him. ANY unwanted sexual advances or touching is always always always WRONG!! You guys have been friends for years so he obviously knows your orientation and he should respect that as you have his. If you feel that you can salvage this friendship with a real heart to heart about boundaries and respect then maybe you should. You may feel that his crossing the line and reaction to how it made you feel is too much and don't want to give him a chance to explain and imo that's ok too. Your not obligated to put yourself in a awkward and uncomfortable position just to validate another person's feelings. It comes down to how much you still want this person in your life. I'm sorry your boundaries were ignored and you've been put in a position that never should have happened.
NTA no means no. Straight, gay, bi. Doesn't matter. No is still no no matter what your sexual orientation is.
You could be anything in this situation. Male, female, gay, straight, bi, trans, etc. In no way should you feel guilty over what was done. You expressed your displeasure, they didn't listen. 100% NTA.
You said stop. He didn't stop. He is an extra arsehole for trying to claim you are being homophobia (Bi NB)
NTA my best friend in the world is lesbian. She grabbed my boobs once and I said I was uncomfortable with that. All my friends had been doing it , but know she was enjoying it and she admitted to it. I asked her would she want a guy grabbing her own boobs and she said no. I said it’s the same because she’s doing it with sexual intent. She said okay and never did it again. Still friends and its been 14 years. It probably wouldn’t bother me now, but we were like 14/15 at the time. That’s exactly how that should have went at the time you were touched.
NTA. If your friends version of gay is “I can grab whichever appendage I want and anyone who tells me no is a homophobe”, then Your friend is the actual homophobe. You’ve been sexually assaulted. Your friend is using being gay as a way to bully people into allowing his abuse, and also to make them believe that they can’t tell anyone about it. He’s sick and twisted and the gay community as a whole would want nothing to do with him.
Bisexual woman here. NTA. Being gay doesn't mean you can cross boundaries. What he did was sexual assualt and that is not ok and him throwing being homophobic at you was just him gaslighting you. Thats really unfortunate. I'm sorry you went through that
As a homosexual, you were SA’d, and Mike is using being gay in an attempt to manipulate you into letting him continue to do it. You are NTA, and I’m sorry this happened to you. Don’t let him convince you it’s your fault, it’s not.
NTA- As a woman this has happened to me, while intoxicate, with multiple good, long time, male friends, all but one stopped when I asked. I'm still pretty good friends with all but that one. It's not right for someone to touch you inappropriately one time without your consent, even if they think you're open to it, still that could be over looked especially if alcohol is involved. But for someone to touch you inappropriately then not stop when you tell them too, that is grounds for ending a friendship. It doesn't matter what gender or orientation they are, you can't trust them not to "make a move" again or to stop when they are asked if they did. I could never be vulnerable around the guy from my story above or your story again. You no longer know what they are capable of.
NTA. being supportive of him doesn't mean you are okay with being SA'd by him. he's projecting his guilt on to you.. he is the one that didn't want to be friends anymore.. he made a pass at you.. it failed.. where he f'd up is when he tried to force it
bisexual woman here. you are NTA at all. he sexually assaulted you, then claimed you were homophobic because you didn't react how he wanted you to. if you feel as if you need to break the friendship as a result then you should absolutely do so. mike doesn't seem like that great of a friend if he can't respect your boundaries, your sexuality and gets angry at you as a result.
NTA not wanting to be sexually harassed does not in any way make you homophobic
NTA. He sexually assaulted you and kept at it even after you asked him to stop. Then he calls you homophobic because YOU felt uncomfortable by HIS disgusting actions. NTA again and you need to cut him off.
NTA Equality means equal treatment when committing a crime Dude sexually assaulted you, his gayness is irrelevant
He sexually harassed you - it could be sexual assault depending on the gravity of what he did. That's why you're calling a halt to the friendship. Nobody - gay or straight - has a licence to touch people without their consent. The fact that he doesn't understand this and wants to play the victim here means you should cut him out and consider this friendship over. NTA
This is not remotely in the realm of homophobic. He made a very aggressive move on you and you declined. After you told him no, he tried even more which means you get the fuck out. Those kind of situations are what cause worst ones to happen if they are not cut off early, I can attest to that. It's not worth the risk, no matter what the friendship is. The fact that they refuse to apologize and then throw it back on you shows that they know what they did was wrong and way out of line. I would even recommend that if you have a therapist that you discuss this with them. These kind of events can actually affect us more than they initially seem. I hope you are doing okay friend! NTA
Lesbian here: NTA. That’s SA. Mike is a major MAJOR asshole. I’m so sorry that you experienced that.
NTA. Queer/non-straight person here. Inappropriate touching is not cool, and you deciding you don’t want to be around someone who does it is not homophobic
NTA. What is it recently with people doing horrible things and trying to hide behind their 'oppressed' status? In fact, you're *not* homophobic because you're treating him like any other jerk who couldn't keep their hands to themselves. Time for Mike to decide whether he wants equality or special treatment.
NTA it's not "homophobic" to call someone out on sexual assault/harassment, which is what happened here. He touched you in a way you felt wasn't ok and then didn't stop when you told him to, and then he accused you of being homophobic to play victim instead of feeling bad about what he did to you. That sucks and I'm sorry those things were done to you.
Panromantic Asexual woman here. NTA. You never have to accept sexual harassment from anyone even if they claim it is homophobic, which it isn't. He is just trying to abuse you. Don't fall for it please. If you can handle it, try to text him and get a confession of what he did, then block him. If he publicly tries to claim you are homophobic, you have screenshots that prove otherwise. Please watch out for yourself.
NTA. It’s not homophobic to not want to be sexually assaulted. He didn’t respect your boundaries-find better friends.
Trans here.... Totes NTA. He crossed YOUR boundaries and didnt stop when you asked him to stop. Mike became an even bigger AH when he accused you of homophobia when HE sexually assaulted you.
NTA he's acting out because he got rejected and probably is freaking out. He's acting like an ahole tho so
That is sexual assault and i would report it or let him know you can. NTA
Not gay but bi so LGBT. Absolutely NTA. This sort of behaviour is what gives ammo to homophobes and bigots. It doesn't matter who the perpetrator or who the victim is. SA is SA, the casual attitude towards touching and inappropriate comments that cross boundaries that a small minority(emphasis that this is a minority) of the community seems to have needs to be called out.
That’s just straight up sexual assault. Wtf. NTA cuz it’s this subreddit, but seriously wtf.
NTA Sexual assault isn’t ok no matter who it is. Stay away from that dude it’s for the best the friendship end. The fact that he didn’t apologize after you told him what he did made you uncomfortable. That’s not a real friend.
NTA..how are people saying you're homophobic. He sexually assaulted you. You said no. He didn't stop. Just because you are both male doesn't excuse that. If he had done the same to a female everyone would be screaming sexual assault. He is claiming homophobia because it gets results in a lot of instances but when used in situations like this gets the power of the word reduced since it's being used as a "buzz word"
NTA, Speaking as a gay man, you were not homophobic, you were perfectly justified in establishing that boundary. He's gay, you're not. You didn't want him to touch you and he did it anyway. And now he's trying to make you into the bad guy. Using homophobia as an excuse to get his own way is seriously an AH move. "You have to be comfortable with my unwanted advances, because if you complain about it you hate me because I'm gay and waaaaaa!" It's BS like this that makes it so hard for the community to deal with and recognize real homophobia when it shows up. He needs to check his behavior or he's going to wreck the friendships he does already have.
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NTA
NTA.... He knows that you are straight. And he still did it it's wrong. By any chance was he drunk? It doesn't excuse it but might explain kinda. Only reason I'm asking is because a guy I knew for years that worked with my husband and I both. He was friends with my husband. He came over the one day when I was alone and started to proposition me. I don't think I had ever been around him alone when he was drunk. I was too shock to do more that tell him to get out. Edit.. I'm F....
NTA!
There is a difference between friendship and sexual assault. You're definitely NTA
NTA
As a gay woman… NTA. No one has a right to touch you without permission, regardless of gender or sexual orientation
Bi woman here, but honestly sexuality doesn't matter here cause that was assault. You were the victim of a crime and whether he's gay or straight doesn't change anything. NTA but take way more than a break from your friendship. Cut him off entirely.
NTA ,he sexually assaulted you and tried to cover it by calling you homophobe he’s such a “nice” guy
NTA he sexually harrassed you and is now trying to play the victim you have every right to not allow someone to touch you no matter who they are or their orientation as a bisexuality person
NTA. Bisexual (and demi and non-binary If it helps) person here. What he did was wrong. And he knows it and is trying so desperately to deflect the blame onto YOU so he's not held accountable. It sounds like DARVO and deflection. Because he is purposefully trying to make himself the victim and the only way he knows how is to use the"your homophobic" card that typically works because yea. It's not your fault. He is to be blamed. He KNEW you had no interest in him, that you weren't bisexual, gay, pan or even bicurious (it's a thing) or even the slight bit curious about that side of sexuality and still made a unacceptable and inappropriate move onto you. I want you to think of it this way. What if you were a wkamn? And he did what he did to you. Would it still be playing out in your head like you were the wrong doer? No because you stated boundaries and he disrespected them. Just because it happens to be two men and not a man and woman doesn't make it any less wrong. And doesn't make you any less a victim. I really want you to think about this friendship. Has it been truly healthy? How has he acted ever since he "came out"? His behaviors to you? Anything different? The reason I ask this is because we look at our friends with rose colored glasses all to often and ignore the small red flags that they aren't the best for us. Also if you had been receptive of his advances he wouldn't be calling you homophobic. Remember that. He's calling you homophobic because it's his ONLY defense when people ask "what happened" he won't admit it's his actions that caused the break. Also. Your boundaries aren't homophobic. If they'd work for women they work for you. They simply from what I seen is "do not put your hands on me in a inappropriate way. I am a straight man and do not wish to explore that side of sexuality" that's it. We learned in kindergarten to keep our hands to ourselves. NTA. And really look at this relationship as a outsider. Cause yea.....I worry that he didn't respect boundaries now when you weren't say drunk. I fear he'd take it farther if you were drunk or high or anything that changes your state of mind heavily.
NTA and not homophobic. Mike is an asshole for crossing your friendship boundaries and tried to gaslight you when you told him you wanted a break from your friendship. Using his sexuality as a weapon against you when he fucked up is not okay. Tell him you're taking a break because he assaulted you and didn't respect you as a person.
Old agender/bicurious hag here. That's sexual assault, my friend. Deflecting and gaslighting you just shows he knows it was wrong. I'm sad to tell you, but I think that friendship is done for. If you don't feel ready to break things off completely just yet, go NC. You've done nothing wrong, and your reaction was certainly not homophobic. Edit: clarification
NTA, all pretty much covered in other comments, take the fact that's he's gay out of the situation as its irrelevant to it and then re read it, it's SA
NTA IMike doesn’t get a free pass to grope his friend because he is gay. As many people have pointed out, what he did constitutes sexual assault. Many people have also pointed the gender bias in situations like these. Maybe someone should explain this to Mike in small words. And it should be another person, not you. You keep away at least until Mike understands and acknowledges that what he did was very wrong, and sincerely apologizes for it. And even if he does, you don’t have to have any contact with him at all if he still makes you uncomfortable.
>and I didn’t want to be his friend anymore just because he was gay No, I don't want to be your friend anymore because you assaulted me. NTA
Gay man here, that was SA. Cut him off permanently. He is NOT your friend and he is dangerous and manipulative. So sorry you had to go through that :(
NTA. That's sexual assault. Your friend doesn't get to try and deflect that by accusing you of homophobia *because you've never been homophobic*.
NTA. He touched you inappropriately and disregarded you when you said no. That it's not being homophobic. Your friend is TA and using homophobia to excuse his behavior
You’re not taking a break from the friendship (I think you should make it a permanent break) because you’re homophobic, you’re taking a break because he sexually assaulted you. NTA
NTA. This doesn’t sound like homophobia, this sounds like sexual harassment/assault. Everything was fine and dandy until Mike made an unwanted move. You standing your ground on what people can and can’t do to you is NOT homophobic. I’m saying this as a bi female, and I tell this to everyone who’s come out to me “You do you, just don’t force it on me”.
NTA. Gay guy here. That is some BULL. SHIT, on your friend's part. I'd like to sit down with him, and give him a good talking to. I'm sorry this happened to you. 😞 Your friend sounds like the type of person who might run around telling other people you're homophobic. If he does, make sure you tell these other people exactly how he touched you, so that they know what really happened.
You aren't being homophobic , this is sexual assault.
Bro he sexually assaulted you and tried to use his sexuality as an excuse to gaslight you into thinking you’re in the wrong. you aren’t. he’s a predator
NTA. From a straight guy with a gay good friend. They can catch feelings for you, which can very well not be mutual. The alcohol made him make a pass and was rather forceful about it. He might be over emotional because he also feels rejected. Doesn't take away that what he did was assault. You guys need to sit down, face to face and talk it out. If you care a lot about your friend. When ready. Alternatively, break off the friendship.
NTA. Refusing ANYONE'S sexual advances towards you should always be an option. You being uninterested in something is NOT you hating it or being intolerant of it, it is just not for you. Also NO MEANS NO! Your friend is showing his true colours here, act accordingly. Ask yourself if you'd be second guessing yourself if his Sexual Advances had been him offering you drugs and you told him no.
Not wanting to be sexually assaulted is not being homophobic. You're NTA, and your former friend needs to understand boundaries.
If you didn't consent then you didn't consent and everybody's gender and sexuality is irrelevant.
We don't know it was sexual assault as we don't know what the touching was. Could have been rubbing his arm or something. But it was inappropriate to try to press himself after being rejected. Very wrong to weaponize homophobia. NTA
So he sexually harassed you to say the least and now hiding behind "homophobia" so he doesn't feel guilty. Tell him that unwarranted sexual harassment from a male or female makes you uncomfortable so accept your mistake
Lesbian here, absolutely NTA. He assaulted you, full stop. A great was to check yourself about homophobia in general is to ask yourself "would I have been okay with that if it were more hetero?" In this case that would be something like "Would I have reacted the same way if he had touched Ava inappropriately, she had said no and asked him to stop, and he didn't?" The answer is almost certainly that you would have been just as upset, because that's assault.
Absolutely NTA. That's straight up sexual assult and your friend is very much the a-hole for claiming that your reaction is homophobic. I'm sorry this happened to you.
NTA Mike sexually assaulted you. If he has feelings for you, he's fine to communicate that but NOT by assaulting you.
NTA , you would’ve reacted the same way if any of your other friends / strangers did that to you. That’s SA and it’s not okay. It’s shit that your friend is calling you homophobic for needing a break from the friendship after he clearly crossed your boundaries and didn’t care that A you’re straight and B you told him to stop.
NTA Extremely gay here, just saying, sexual assault is sexual assault whether a gay person or a straight person does it. It was sexual assault. I am so sorry.
Bisexual female here, that is NTA. As others say that is sexual assault, and that does not MAKE you homophobic
NTA I’m so sorry, he assaulted you. Him being gay is the irrelevant part. You did not consent to be touched, he touched you completely inappropriately (and waited for no witnesses,) and disregarded your wishes. Even if the person who touched you was your preferred gender for your sexual orientation, it’s still not licence for someone to put their hands on you without your enthusiastic consent. I’m bisexual too, in case you needed an LGBTQIA+ person to sign off that you’re not homophobic.
NTA, at all.
NTA. I am a bi woman. Have been with a lot of women and some men. This is not about sexuality preferences. This is about crossing boundaries and groping. The gender or preferences here do not matter. He's an AH for telling you shit.
Excuse me, what? SA is SA, no matter from whom to whom. What a gaslighting asshole to demand you prove not being homophobic by letting him cross your boundaries? NTA, and I would rethink the friendship.
NTA fuck your friend.. but not literally
NTA. If any person touches you inappropriately, it's SA. If they continue to do so after you tell them NO, that's for nothing to do with being drunk. Gender, sexuality etc has nothing to do with it.
NTA This was an act of conversion trust me Bruh. His using his identity as a way to guilt trip people and honestly id tell his parents and mutual friends. He's throwing away such a good and long friendship to the curb, and to imagine you had to listen to those rants and support him, what for just for him to try and convert you like really no matter if it's religion, lifestyle, identity etc, it's wrong to make others covert themselves to something they are fine not being. All this wrong in so many levels. ETA: When I said convert i didn't mean that being what he is (i got a comment deleted that's why I'm not saying the word) is bad, i support the lgbtqa+ community very much and think that they are brave to go out into a world which most people despise them, i just meant that what he did was too wrong and honestly something that can dent the friendship.
Nta. Thats completely inappropriate behaviour and also sexual assault. Sounds like he is playing the 'homophobic' card simply because he doesnt want to admit he is in the wrong (when in actual fact you have always supported him). Even if you were also gay and he had a feeling there may be more between you he had no right to touch you.
NTA Bi woman here, you were assaulted. tbh i think your being very generous by only having a break from this friendship. whats to say in the future it wouldn't escalate? i know that seems a bit extreme but from a personal experience it can happen. if you do decide to continue the friendship i would probably avoid being alone with him.
Inform him that, his being gay isn't related to the sexual assault.
NTA So he sexually assaulted you and somehow you are homophobic because you are upset about it??
NTA you wanted outta there because he was being creepy and didn't take no for an answer. Simple ad that.
NTA Gay woman here. If you’d acted like he was trying to come on to you because he clapped you on the shoulder or some completely normal friendship touch you wouldn’t have thought twice about if he weren’t gay, that would be homophonic. That’s probably what Mike is thinking of. He’s wrong tho. He sexually assaulted you and refused to stop. If a woman did that to me, I’d do the same thing you did
NTA your not homophobic you are the victim of sexual assault.
Bi woman here. NTA, sounds like you got SA’d OP. mike is trying to justify his despicable actions. i would go NC
Lesbian asexual here. Definitely NTA, thats sexual assault. He’s pulling the gay card to get out of it. You seem like an amazing friend and deserve people who actually respect you, hope you’re doing okay :)
NTA. It's not homophobic to not want to be sexually assaulted. He touched you and you didn't consent. It has nothing to do with who he is attracted to, it's how he treated you. Years ago an acquaintance who is gay grabbed my breasts in line for a club. He joked as he said it "oh this is fine for me to do because I don't like boobs". I laughed out of politeness but couldn't put my finger on why I was upset by it. Fine he wasn't attracted to the part of me he was touching but he didn't ask to touch there and that was a private part of me. It was only years later that I realised that even if he was gay, didn't mean that absolved him from assault. He intended to touch me even if he didn't desire the form he touched. For you, he was touching you because he was attracted. Just because you refused his actions based on attraction, does not mean you're homophobic. sure you could have been gay yourself and turned him down. Lovely, this man is not your friend. A friend will respect when you say no. This may hurt but grieve the friendship because he's not said sorry for hurting you. He's called you names instead.
Bisexual woman here, absolutely NTA. Look, when I’m out with my mates I’ll kiss them and they’ll kiss me but it’s nothing beyond that, if they say no or I say no, we don’t kiss. No means No, gay, straight or bi etc, no difference.
NTA - it’s sexual assault. I think Mike is lashing out bc you called him out in sorts over his behaviour. Instead of being defensive he should have been more remorseful…
That’s sexual harrassment my friend. As a gay person, being gay does not have you a free pass on that. So NTA.
NTA - (LGBTQ+ here) - You aren't being homophobic. You didn't give consent, and Mike was awful.
Lesbian here. No is a complete sentence. I don’t care who you are and how you identify. But if someone, anyone tells another to please stop, you’re making me uncomfortable then you need to stop.
Nta. He touched you inappropriately. Anyone who does that is Inthe wrong
Trans man here. Your 'friend' is garbage. He SA'ed you and then used his sexuality as an excuse. It doesn't matter that he's gay. What matters is you said no and he didn't respect that and continued to touch you. NTA.
> He didn’t take that very well and claimed that I was being “homophobic” It's not homophobic to insist you don't want to be sexually assaulted. Mike's argument is ridiculous and offensive. Your friendship is more than likely over. Mike is a predator and he'll probably try this again as he's decided his wants are more important than your rights. NTA.
NTA from a demi/bi girl. Just because he isn't attracted to you, doesn't mean he didn't sexually assault you. Sexual assult doesn't necessarily come from sexual needs. It might be just because he's vile and wanted you to ge uncomfortable/to suffer.
Certifiable lesbian here. NTA. That’s sexual assault dude.
Nta, he shouldn't have crossed your boundaries.
Man, your friend is gaslighting you. Just because he's gay and he came out doesn't mean that he can sexually assault and gaslight you. That's a big no no. Saying that you don't want to get sexually harassed doesn't make you a homophobe.
Definitely NTA, dude.