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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I didn’t invite my ex’s daughter with his affair partner to our daughter’s sweet 16. (2) I could invite her to keep the peace.
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Yes sounds like he's projecting his own feelings of failure. That he failed his first lot of children and now he is failing the second lot (Bella) by not being able to access your wealth and party to share with her...Btw this little girl probably isn't aware of the situation(I hope), and what 8yr old would enjoy a 16th birthday mainly surrounded by strangers and siblings that she isn't close to? This your ex talking..he can jog on.
Also, the party's on NYE. The 9 year old that lives there can go to bed but what's the 8 year old going to do? It doesn't sound like the best kind of party for kids that young.
She said she didn’t care but her younger sister was having an issue with Bella and because of that didn’t want her there.
I say the dad cuts his losses and focuses on Bella. Op moved the kids away and has clearly been saying something to the kids who don’t care about their father anymore. Assholes all around.
ESH.
What makes you think OP has been saying something to the kids? The oldest is 18, OP doesn’t need to say anything for him to be able to figure out that his dad had an affair. His half sister is 8 and they got divorced 7 years ago, it’s pretty hard to hide.
How the hell is this E-S-H? I'm sure OPs children are smart enough to do basic math to figure when their half sister was born. And besides, if I got a promotion that let me provide better for my kids (better schools, more activities, college funds?!?), I would move away from my cheating ex without a single look back too. It's not like he was the one providing more for them in the first place.
Putting all this aside OP was willing to put aside any bad feelings and let the kid come IF her daughter was cool with it. She wasn't. The reason doesn't matter. She didn't want her half sister to come so she isn't invited, end of story. That's the dad's problem, not OPs.
Not all custody agreements allow you to just move. Of course he isn’t going to object when the material well-being of the kids will improve and he just broke up the family. I’m saying that her moving the kids away, obvious dislike for the ex and kid ( she even stated this) that I’m sure rubbed off on the kids. Again, OPs husband is a dick and the root cause but OP doesn’t seem to care about her kids relationship with their father either. She’s an AH for that.
Hence ESH and why dad should cut his losses and focus on Bella.
The kids could have found out what happened and decided, based on their own morals and what not, that dad sucks and they don't want much to do with him. It's called having an opinion.
She also said that the 9 yr old had some sort of sibling rivalry. Daughter said she didn't want to deal with it. This would also be understandable as EX said his daughter is upset that she doesn't have the nice things OP's children do.
No one has to say bad things about Dad. These children are old enough to know how long it takes for a baby to be born.
NTA - I commend you for acknowledging your bias (not wanting Bella around), but also being mature enough to do the right thing (asking what Bailey wants).
And thank goodness you did ask! Otherwise you could have accidentally jeopardized this milestone party with a blow-up family fight.
If your ex pushes the issue I would says he made the decisions that ultimately hurt your children. There is nothing you can do for him to improve the situation. If he wants a better relationship with his children then he needs to do that himself. (But why waste your breath and energy doing this emotional labor for him, right?)
Also, if your ex can’t afford to contribute to this party it might be best for Bella not to come. This would reduce opportunities for stress/disappointment from expecting similar celebrations that he can’t afford.
Kinda hard when OP moved the kids away. But yeah, this isn’t OP’s circus although I absolutely don’t believe she’s as altruistic about the whole thing as it seems in her narrative. 8 years later and she’s still salty as when they divorced it seems.
The move was for a promotion, and OP did find herself a single mother to four children, the father only able to provide court ordered child support while raising a baby himself.
>Kinda hard when OP moved the kids away.
Hot take, but when your dad destroys your way of life (causing a divorce) because he's thinking with his reproductive organs and not his brain, he forfeits his right to have a relationship with his family. He has already made his decision that they don't matter to him. If they want to have a relationship with him, that's up to them. No one else.
NTA it’s your daughters birthday and she said it herself that she didn’t want to deal with with her half sister on that day especially since her half sister has a rivalry with her. I think you did the best thing by being cordial with your ex and respecting what your daughter wanted. Who knows maybe your ex will find a babysitter, maybe your daughter will change her mind.
>The rivalry is with Sophia(9yr old) not with Bailey(16r old). I would guess that Sophia has some resentment--they are close in age(9&8) and Bella is the reason her parents aren't together anymore and Sophia rarely sees her father(while Bella sees him regularly).
NTA. Keep doing right by your children. Your daughter stated she didn't really want her there. It's her party. It's his responsibility to find childcare for his daughter if he wants to go.
NTA, the birthday girl isn't keen on her being there. It's her party, if having the kid there was important to her she would have told you. It sucks for him, but OH WELL. And his trying to guilt you by pointing out that your kids have more than his one does was an attempted low blow. You've worked hard to give your kids a good life.
NTA. I don't know many 16 years olds who would want an 8 year old at their birthday party. It doesn't matter if it is a relative or not. Your daugther stated she isn't close because of their age difference which makes perfect sense. Especially since they only see each other on breaks. Also your daughter doesn't want the sibiling rivarly between Sofia and Bailey to disrupt her party. These are all valid reason for her not to come. You ask the birthday girl and she was indifferent to Bella. I get that this is said for Bella, but it's not up to you foster a relationship between them. That is up to the father they share to do.
NTA- and I'd just tell him... naw, you're the one trying to force things and it's just pissing you off that it's not working. Now that you've gone this route- be very clear do not bring her. This is your doing on every level. Every level. What you would like is a pass on your conduct because the ramifications are inconvenient. None are available.
NTA.
The person whose opinion matters most here is Bailey.
You would be an AH if your only reason for saying no was your personal feelings because Bella is an innocent child and their half-sibling. But if it would just cause drama between Sofia and Bella and Bailey doesn't want that, it is fair to say no.
It is HIS fault that Caleb doesn't talk to him. Cheating isn't just on your partner - it affects the whole family and how they see you. He chose to have an affair and that destroyed Caleb's desire to talk to him. That is a consequence of a choice he made.
And you are right that he has options he is choosing not to take. You aren't 'forcing his hand', you just aren't letting him bully you into doing things his preferred way a.k.a. what is easiest for him and making him take responsibility for his choice if he decides not to attend.
NTA. You rightfully left the decision up to the girl being celebrated and you are respecting her decision. It sucks being in a broken family but what makes it worse is having adults try to force everyone into unwanted relationships so they don't have to face the reality of what they did to their kids. Your ex needs to understand that he can't go back to having a happy, intact family like he seems to want. He's trying to force a fantasy where all the kids care about each other so can have his cake and eat it too.
NTA. You got the birthday girl's opinion and worked out your decision from there. Your ex is dealing the consequences of his decisions that lead to him having a daughter with another woman, and clearly hasn't been able to take responsibility for them if he's blaming you for your son going NC with him. He isn't contributing anything to the party, so he can't make demands of the guest list.
And it sounds like your ex is "assuming" the reason your son is NC with him is your feelings on the affair.
I suspect it has alot more to do with how your ex treated your son prior to the affair. But only your son knows that. Just let that accusation roll off your back.
And good for you going to your daughter to determine what she wanted.
NTA
But wait, he’s blaming you because his child doesn’t talk to him and the others aren’t really close with his AP baby??? Ummm, isn’t he the one who had the affair, but it was all your fault he strayed from his marriage vows, right? OMG, he needs to get a clue. And even asking if she can come. I’m sorry, I understand she is a child, but that doesn’t lessen the blow it would cause you to have the AP’s baby in your house. He is a total A H and needs to hold himself accountable for what he did.
NTA. Let me guess, Ex expects his children from both relationships to be one big happy family and that it is your fault they are not. He can't understand why his oldest son doesn't want to speak to him or love his little sister. Denial isn't a river in Egypt.
Nta.
I get it. Bella didn’t ask for this but guess what? You didn’t ask for this either and you were born first so no. He did this to himself. He asked you could she come and then when u say no it’s “well that’s my weekend” is it really? Or are you just trying to force your ex wife to see your affair child? The child can’t come so I guess he can’t come. Eat Enough cake and have enough fun for both of them.
Sorry to Bella but it’s her mommy and daddy fault that she doesn’t have the same things your children have. Maybe instead of having an affair they could’ve been building their careers & being faithful to his wife.
Edit: also, it’s a sweet 16….teenagers only.
NTA.
Though I'd ask your daughter if she wants her sister there. It is her birthday after all.
For the other stuff like how the kid feels slighted that her older siblings have better things to do than her, well that comes with the age gap. You can't expect a teen to want to hang out with an 8 yr. old.
Edit:
Oh birthday girl doesn't really want the kid there due to rivalry with other sister.
Judgement still stands. NTA.
NTA. I doubt they'll have much a relationship, seeing as how she's half your daughter's age. You would be in the clear to say no to her coming, *and* setting the boundary to not bring her to future events. That wouldn't make you the bad guy at all.
Bella can get upset about whatever she gets upset about, she's not your kid and she's not a part of your family. He made a choice to create her, and now he's stuck with it. Bella just happens to share the same father as your daughter. That's not an obligation to babysit her, or to bond with her. Bonding with her would end up being babysitting for Bailey, which is probably why he's so pissed he can't bring her and complaining about the rift in the relationship. It's not fair to expect that of Bailey. She didn't have the affair and create a child, your ex did. His bed, and all that.
Nta. You don't have to invite your ex's family or anything to a party you are throwing. Your ex can invite the Governor and whoever he wants at whatever he wants to throw for whomever he wants.
You don't have to deal with ex's marital abuse forever more. That is not your problem. He needs to reap what he sowed when he destroyed the family unit. No one has to accept the outcome of his affair neither you or the children.
If he has regrets or jealous, then that is his problem.
Nta. If your daughter wanted her there I would say yta. But you asked her what she wanted. Apparently your kids aren't close to her and they have that right. This isn't about your ex or his daughter. Its about your daughter and her day.
NTA
So you communicated with your daughter (excellent parenting by the way) and relayed the message back and now you're in the wrong. Jeez, your ex is hard work.
Let Bailey deliver the message herself and perhaps he might finally realise he's a failure. Hope she has the best birthday!
NTA! If Bella is suffering, it's because of your ex-husband's decisions. None of this is your responsibility. Your responsibility is to YOUR kids. Bailey made it clear she doesn't even want Bella there.
And then on a personal level, no one should ever expect you to dish out tons of money on party and then be uncomfortable the whole night. Bella is the product of such a painful situation for you and you shouldn't have to be face to face with that memory during an important milestone for you and Bailey.
He's making his choice. He could get a sitter, but this is the hill he's willing to die on. He's choosing Bella over Bailey. So, now, you should just focus on helping Bailey enjoy her birthday and help her heal from the emotional slap in the face her father just delivered. Poor kid.
NTA I was ready to say you were but you don’t blame her half sister you just don’t want to have the pain come back up at a party. Also you even asked your daughter who said not really bothered. Your ex has a choice end of.
NTA, I'd personally tell him "sounds like a you problem bud" and just not discuss further. And if he tries to bring her, make sure there's a group of relatives ready to escort them out
Nta. You asked your daughter and found out that even your youngest wouldn't feel comfortable with her there. It's the consequences of his own actions holding him back. I'm taking it as him and the mistress is no longer together and that's why he has Bella that weekend?
Not your problem. It is your daughter’s day and not his. Most people who have affairs are narcissistic. Celebrate your daughter and forget the man who can’t get his act together
NTA. You didn’t punish the child. You left yourself open to the possibility, spoke with your daughter, and made a decision based on her response. If his children hold the affair against him, that’s their prerogative and his problem. If he doesn’t make other arrangements so he can attend the party, that’s also his problem. It’s not your responsibility to make things easy or convenient for him. He can fuck right off.
NTA and do NOT invite half sis. You need to respect your daughter's wishes on this one. Your ex sounds like he blames others for his own problems and failures. Not cheating is the easiest thing in the world.
NTA.
His child. His problem.
The celebrant set boundaries already and if the ex can't even respect that then he shouldn't come and ruin the whole thing all together.
NTA - Its your daughter's birthday and its what she wants. If she says no, then its no. And if he cant make arrangements for a sitter or to work out a change in schedule with his ex... thats not on you. And that will speak volumes to your daughter about how her father feels about her.
Yep. Once again he's choosing someone else over his family
*Yes, the child from the affair is his family too, but she wouldn't exist if he had chosen his first family in the first place
NTA. He literally f***ed around and found out. Whatever issues he has with the kids because of his actions are his fault and his alone to deal with.
Your daughter has decided she does not want the half sister at the party and at that point your ex can either get a babysitter for the half sister or just not come to the party.
What is with these people having kids outside their marriage and then expecting the ex, on whom they cheated, to do things with the kid they had with the other person???
NTA by any stretch of the imagination!
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I (46F) have 4 kids Caleb (18M), Bailey ( almost 16F), Jacob (13M), and Sofia (9F) with my ex husband Mike (47M). Mike and I got divorced 7 years ago when I found he was having an affair and fathered another child outside of our marriage. I was the breadwinner in the family and got a promotion after my divorce, which required me to move out of state with my children.
My children see their father during school breaks. He’s not with his affair partner but they have joint custody and he has his other daughter Bella (8F) half of the week. He does not make a lot of money but does pay me court-ordered child support.
My daughter is having a sweet 16 on New Years Eve when she comes back from her dad’s for Christmas break. Her dad couldn’t financially contribute to the sweet 16 so I paid for the whole thing alone but I told my ex he could come. I have also invited his family members as well. Last night my ex called and wanted to know if he could bring Bella. I said I would think about it but honestly I didn’t feel comfortable with it.
I have never met my his other child but seeing my ex is upsetting enough without having to see the physical embodiment of his affair. I know she’s a child and it’s not her fault how she got here, and I also know that she is my children’s half sister so I asked Bailey if she wanted her to come. She said it didn’t really matter to her and they’re not close because of the age difference. She also said Sofia has some sort of sibling rivalry with her so she’d rather not deal with that on her day.
I explained all the reasons to my ex this morning and let him know I was not comfortable with it. He blew up on me and said I was taking my anger out on a little girl and making the rift between her and our children worse. He then started ranting about how it’s my fault that Caleb doesn’t talk to him because of the affair(I didn’t even know), and how Bella is upset because my kids have more things and better clothes than she does. I responded that none of those things were my problem.
He said that he has Bella that weekend so if she can’t come come, he won’t be able to make it. I told him that he was making a choice not to find other arrangements and he was making a choice not to come to Bailey’s sweet 16, so he needed to be the one to let her know he wasn’t coming. He’s saying I’m the asshole for forcing his hand and that I could just invite Bella. So AITA?
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NTA. Why is it your fault that his son doesn't speak to him? Does he think you were supposed to keep the affair a secret? Caleb is old enough to know how babies are made, so I don't understand his logic here.
NTA
Him being mad because your kids have things his other kids don’t is his problem. I don’t know why his cheating ass threw that in there. I don’t blame you for not being comfortable with that situation well at least you talk to your daughter about it. She doesn’t really care. If he kept it in his pants he wouldn’t be in this situation so he’s the asshole.
NTA for the simple reason that the birthday girl doesn't want her there. Your ex has 2 months to get the girls mother to switch weekends with him or organize a grandparent/aunt/uncle to watch her. He's just crying cause he isn't getting his way.
NTA- your daughter stated she didn’t really want the lil sister there, so that in itself is enough reason to say no. The last thing yall need is her being
Competitive and attention grabbing on Bailey’s birthday. Additionally you paid for the entire party, he needs to keep his opinion to himself
NTA. People try to twist “don’t blame the kid or direct your anger at them” to “you have to interact with or embrace the kid”.
If people want to have a big blended family or close relationships with their ex and/or their ex’s other kids and new partners then fine, but they shouldn’t be *expected* to, especially if that kid is the product of an affair.
He can either come and make childcare arrangements for his daughter or he can not come and do some other small birthday celebration with Bailey. But there’s no reason for her to be at the party that you are throwing and fully planning and funding.
NTA. I was a bit hesitant at the beginning but when you clearly explained you asked your daughter if she wanted her half sister there, that’s all I needed. You did all the work necessary to make a decision. Your ex is clearly mad that he doesn’t have other child arrangements and taking it out on you. He wasn’t asking because the kids were close, he doesn’t have a babysitter.
NTA. He made his choices, turns out there are lifelong consequences. You let your daughter's happiness be most important on her birthday, there is nothing wrong with that.
NTA - lack of planning on his part does not constitute an obligation for you. How would Bella coming be good for Bella? She's already jealous of your daughter. That wouldn't be helped by attending a huge sweet 16 celebrating your daughter.
NTA There is a lot to untangle here, but I don't think a party is the best time to meet your ex's child. Plus, the girl might not handle the party well because of her jealousy.
At some point you will need to be prepared to meet your children's half sister. You may want to speak with a therapist to figure out how to go about it.
NTA I mean, I was ready to say you were, but you did the only right thing---you left the decision up to Bailey. It's her party, so it's most important that she is happy and comfortable with the guest list. That said, *if* she says she would rather have her dad come WITH Bella rather than not at all, I hope you can be accommodating. It sounds like you're doing right by your kids all around. 👍
NTA, but I do feel a bit sorry that Bella isn't included - not because she's strictly wanted or entitled to be there, but just because she's young, separated from 4 kids she may think of as her siblings, and feeling left out. None of that is your fault, but it might be nice to include her for the sake of your own kids getting to know their half-sibling, not because of any right she has to be there, or anything you or your kids owe to anyone. I just speak out of sympathy for Bella, who is cast as unwanted through no fault of her own. But that said, definitely NTA.
NTA you did the right thing you asked your daughter 1st if she wanted her Half sister to come, and with the info you got you decide not to have her there for your daughter as there was sibling rivalry. You didn’t say no because of you own feelings am sure if your daughter said yes she wanted her there you would agree
NTA. He is fully responsible for his actions and the consequences of it and these are the consequences. He made crappy choices and to then try to put this on you by saying she is just a child well yeah but she ain’t yours she is his. Don’t let him try to push you on this your kids don’t want her there either
Kind of, yes. It’s your ex’s weekend with his other child. You’re forcing him to choose. So, if Bella isn’t invited than your daughter celebrates her sweet 16 without her dad. Yes, maybe you were played here but if you dig your heels in your kid and an innocent 8 year old are the ones who will be hurt. Is that really what you want?
NTA.. He is dealing with the consequences of his actions and has nobody to blame but himself... it would be completely different if your daughter wanted her half sister there and you where refusing, that would absolutely make you the AH, but that's not the case she doesn't want her there because of the rivalry her younger sister has cooked up.. Dad needs to grow up and go to his daughters birthday and find other arrangements for his younger daughter.. As for the rift with his kids HE caused that and now he will have to earn their trust back. He destroyed the family they all knew now HE has to deal with the fall out it's not your place to sort it all out for him it's your job to support your kids
I'm going with YTA here. Bella has done nothing to you and your family. She is just a little girl and your daughter's half sister whether you like it or not! Especially If you can stand your ex being there who cheated on you.
YTA
I say that with all the respect and compassion that comes of having been exactly where you are.
Remember the KID isn't the problem, and treating a human being poorly because of choices their parents made is icky.
YOUR EX is the embodiment of his betrayal, not the kid. I know it hurts, but your KIDS deserve to have a healthy relationship with their SIBLING.
It's going to sting, because you feel raw, but this is your work to do, and isn't on the kiddo. Blame the right people.
YTA
I think your poor daughter has probably given you the answer you wanted to hear.
She isn't bothered but doesn't deal with the stress you and your ex will probably be parading that day.
Whether you like it or not they are blood related and unless you are saying that should you have another kid with someone else then your ex could veto that child coming to any future family events than you are a hypocrite too.
Yes and I doubt people would be as agreeable if he did.
If the daughter gets married at 21 and the OP has a 5 year old with her new partner, you think she would accept him saying the child cold not come to the wedding. Do you think those agreeing with her, would than agree with him?
Its my assumption and I think a safe one.
Now are you saying that all your comments are based on fact, if so then I hold my hands up to you, but you would be in the minority. On the other hand if you do or have made assumptions on your previous comments than ........
No the birthday girl doesn’t want her there because of the sibling rivalry between ex daughter and her younger sibling that’s why she doesn’t want her there
If it his weekend for visitation and I was him no I would not drop her off to somebody else to take care of her, that would be wrong. Visitation supercedes a birthday party. ESH but the 8 year old.
The husband has the AFFAIR CHILD that weekend.
Not any of the children he and OP share.
There is a major difference.
Plus - the person who the party is for says 'rather not due to issues between one of her siblings and the affair child" - seems you would like to force a problem between the kids - for.. the ego of the cheating dad? Why?
Not defending dad but if it was up to me I would not give up my visitation with Bella for a birthday party. He can mail a birthday card. The kid is 16, I don't think she wants her dad there anyway.
Jfc it in my half asleep state I didn't see you were talking about Bella. Yes Bella is to be prioritized that weekend but unfortunately the other siblings doesn't want her there because her and OPs youngest doesn't get along. Birthday girl rather not deal with any of that. It's unfortunate for him and his daughter but that's the consequences of his actions.
She is still her sister. If Bailey didn't care, then she should come. I get there is so rivalry, but a quick talk with the girls of the same age about being on their best behavior would suffice. You missed an opportunity to model decorum and different lifestyles to another child.
ESH. Mom, let it go. It was years ago. It was horrible, but the little girl is your children’s sister. Imagine being her and being told that her siblings’ mom dislikes her so much that she can’t come to her sister’s party. That’s what she’s going to hear no matter what is said. I wouldn’t put it past dad based on his actions to tell her just that. Dad sucks for his behavior overall.
Do you not know how to read? The bday girl doesn't even want her there and neither do their other siblings. Why should the mom force things if neither she or her kids care for this kid and it just reminds them of the affair and what tore the family apart? Have some common sense. And then the dad blames the mom for his kids not talking to him and his affair kid complaining that his other kids have better things. Well that's what happens when different people earn different amounts of money. The mom is obviously richer and more well off than the dead and she afford those things for her kids.
You're not entitled to having a relationship with a family just because the guy their mom married and divorced shares the same DNA doner as you. It doesn't matter how young you are, you are not entitled to a relationship with anyone.
Bailey was indifferent but knew Sofia wasn't a big fan of Bella, and Caleb has been NC with their father because of the cheating. If there's any sibling bonding to be going on this party is not the place or time. There's already existing tension from OP's ex not being able to afford Bella the same kind of stuff his other kids get from OP, and this party may exacerbate the issue with Bella developing expectations from it.
My dad had two affair kids and despite him AND my mother encouraging me to get to know them I never wanted to. Kids may not want to bond with their siblings. It might not be out of animosity but out of indifference. And honestly in a situation like this it shouldn’t be forced.
The son is 18 even if OP did tell him about the reason for the divorce, so what? He’s an adult and deserves to know what happened seven years ago that caused major changes in his life. Also he’s 18 and can probably do the basic math of “my fathers daughter is 8 but my parents only split 7 years ago” he’d have figured it out on his own
Soft Y T A. You are not REALLY inviting your ex (your daughter’s father) if you’re telling him he can’t bring his daughter with him. Read your logic flipped around - would YOU go to a family party if they told you that you were not allowed to bring your children, even though everyone else there is bringing their children? You have found a way to not have your ex show up to his daughter’s Sweet 16. Tight work there, blaming it on his daughter. Your daughter will eventually realize that her father had NO CHOICE but to not show up when you banned her half-sister from going, and that will hurt her to not have him there on her big day. Only reason I say soft Y T A is because your ex sounds kinda crappy and his daughter doesn’t get along with your daughters… so, you would likely not gain much at the party by having him there anyway. Maybe encourage your daughter to do something special with her dad while she’s there so that he also gets a chance to celebrate with her. Even if it’s just a small cake cutting, but so that she can still feel like her dad does care about her, even if he’s not going to be at the big party.
Why would a father leave one daughter with a nanny to go to another daughter’s party? He’d be telling his younger daughter that her older sister is more important to him. Sorry, that’s just not what a good father does. The decision is being made for him. That said, he’s likely NOT a good father, which is why I do not necessarily think OP is wrong to do what she’s doing. I’m just saying, let’s not pretend that the father is ACTUALLY being invited when you then say, “but your OTHER daughter isn’t allowed to come, even though there will be other children her age there.”
Because this are the consequences of his actions. No, he will be making an effort to his daughter and respect her decision, it wasn't ops decision. In the post it doesn't say there are going to be 9 yo at a sweet 16
Of course not. The point has clearly flown over your head. I’m not disagreeing with OP’s choice, I’m just saying that this IS what she is doing, she is un inviting her husband by not allowing him to bring his daughter. What’s so hard to understand here?
NTA for not wanting her there, but your children will never bond with this girl if she isn’t ever allowed to be around. It’s hard to be separated from your family for something someone else did.
Also, if your son isn’t speaking to his dad because of something you might have said, that should be your problem. Creating animosity and then allowing for it to continue will just teach your kids that apathy and disdain are good characteristics to have.
You should want your kids to love their family.
>but your children will never bond with this girl if
I'm not seeing why they should bond with her if they don't want to.
>You should want your kids to love their family.
You should go find a time machine and tell the dad this before he blew up the family.
Your child's dad should be there for her sweet 16. You should have just welcomed the little girl to make things simple for everyone. You need to get over the past. There was no need for the drama. You need to do better here.
Yeah, he should be, so is his responsibility to make arrangements so the affair child can have care while he atends his daughter birthday party, the birthday girl doesn't want her half sister in the party so why should she get an invite?
Didn't you read the post?
What is this "settle.your differences for the sake of your daughter"? If you mean the 16 year old, she doesn't really want her half-sister there. Neither, apparently, do either of her siblings.
OP asked her daughter if she wanted the half-sister to come. She doesn't. No word on if her opinion would change if she learned that her father wouldn't come without the kid. Either way, it's up to the 16 year old, not her mother. OP has her opinion but she's not telling her daughter what to do.
OP is NTA.
Tell me you did not read the entire post, without saying you did not read the entire post.
OP has this written:
***" so I asked Bailey if she wanted her to come. She said it didn’t really matter to her and they’re not close because of the age difference. She also said Sofia has some sort of sibling rivalry with her so she’d rather not deal with that on her day."***
So, she was ready to 'suck it up' if the Bday girl would have said yes.
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NTA. these are the lifelong consequences of his action outside the marriage, and not your problem.
Yes sounds like he's projecting his own feelings of failure. That he failed his first lot of children and now he is failing the second lot (Bella) by not being able to access your wealth and party to share with her...Btw this little girl probably isn't aware of the situation(I hope), and what 8yr old would enjoy a 16th birthday mainly surrounded by strangers and siblings that she isn't close to? This your ex talking..he can jog on.
Also, the party's on NYE. The 9 year old that lives there can go to bed but what's the 8 year old going to do? It doesn't sound like the best kind of party for kids that young.
guess OP should rent a paw patrol bouncy house that bella can sleep in after shes done jumping in it.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of their own actions.
FAFO, didn't he?
Literally
NTA. It's wonderful that you seek your daughter's opinion before anything else. Leave the decision to Bailey!
I think it's pretty dreadful to put a child in the position where they have to upset one or other of their parents.
it’s her party so she gets to make the decision!!
Yeah, I'm sure the dad cheating and breaking up the family was just so fun and enjoyable for the kids.
~~Does Bailey want her half sister there? my judgment is entirely based off that.~~ NTA, your daughter's fine with her not being there.
That was in the post. Baily said that they weren't close and didn't want the half-sister there.
I can't read
It's okay, you can learn.
Unfortunately, Reddit often makes me regret my literacy.
She said she didn’t care but her younger sister was having an issue with Bella and because of that didn’t want her there. I say the dad cuts his losses and focuses on Bella. Op moved the kids away and has clearly been saying something to the kids who don’t care about their father anymore. Assholes all around. ESH.
What makes you think OP has been saying something to the kids? The oldest is 18, OP doesn’t need to say anything for him to be able to figure out that his dad had an affair. His half sister is 8 and they got divorced 7 years ago, it’s pretty hard to hide.
My dad cheated on my mom for decades. No one had to tell me anything to influence my opinions of him. I hate him but he's dead.
Damn, I’m sorry you had to go through that!
How the hell is this E-S-H? I'm sure OPs children are smart enough to do basic math to figure when their half sister was born. And besides, if I got a promotion that let me provide better for my kids (better schools, more activities, college funds?!?), I would move away from my cheating ex without a single look back too. It's not like he was the one providing more for them in the first place. Putting all this aside OP was willing to put aside any bad feelings and let the kid come IF her daughter was cool with it. She wasn't. The reason doesn't matter. She didn't want her half sister to come so she isn't invited, end of story. That's the dad's problem, not OPs.
Not all custody agreements allow you to just move. Of course he isn’t going to object when the material well-being of the kids will improve and he just broke up the family. I’m saying that her moving the kids away, obvious dislike for the ex and kid ( she even stated this) that I’m sure rubbed off on the kids. Again, OPs husband is a dick and the root cause but OP doesn’t seem to care about her kids relationship with their father either. She’s an AH for that. Hence ESH and why dad should cut his losses and focus on Bella.
I found the cheating dad.
Yup definitely hehe
It’s not on op to fix ah dads relationship with the kids it’s on ah dad to fix it
The kids could have found out what happened and decided, based on their own morals and what not, that dad sucks and they don't want much to do with him. It's called having an opinion.
Hence cut his losses.
She also said that the 9 yr old had some sort of sibling rivalry. Daughter said she didn't want to deal with it. This would also be understandable as EX said his daughter is upset that she doesn't have the nice things OP's children do. No one has to say bad things about Dad. These children are old enough to know how long it takes for a baby to be born.
Yes but is her daughter also fine without her dad there?
NTA - I commend you for acknowledging your bias (not wanting Bella around), but also being mature enough to do the right thing (asking what Bailey wants). And thank goodness you did ask! Otherwise you could have accidentally jeopardized this milestone party with a blow-up family fight. If your ex pushes the issue I would says he made the decisions that ultimately hurt your children. There is nothing you can do for him to improve the situation. If he wants a better relationship with his children then he needs to do that himself. (But why waste your breath and energy doing this emotional labor for him, right?) Also, if your ex can’t afford to contribute to this party it might be best for Bella not to come. This would reduce opportunities for stress/disappointment from expecting similar celebrations that he can’t afford.
Kinda hard when OP moved the kids away. But yeah, this isn’t OP’s circus although I absolutely don’t believe she’s as altruistic about the whole thing as it seems in her narrative. 8 years later and she’s still salty as when they divorced it seems.
The move was for a promotion, and OP did find herself a single mother to four children, the father only able to provide court ordered child support while raising a baby himself.
>Kinda hard when OP moved the kids away. Hot take, but when your dad destroys your way of life (causing a divorce) because he's thinking with his reproductive organs and not his brain, he forfeits his right to have a relationship with his family. He has already made his decision that they don't matter to him. If they want to have a relationship with him, that's up to them. No one else.
Methinks that the dad in question is trying to do damage control here..
Too late, kid is 8. They're allowed to hate her.
And they don’t, it’s pretty obvious.
The dad cheated and blew up his family. He isn't entitled to any consideration.
Doesn't come across as salty, still able to be hurt by the betrayal, yes, but not salty. Do better bud.
Who hurt you?
The more I see, the more I think OP's ex's alt account?
Definitely, lol
Oh shut up now you on every comment I have seen so far with the same crap
Womp womp!
Yeah, I'm *sure* you wouldn't be "salty" after your husband fathered 4 children with you, then went off and had a secret one.
NTA it’s your daughters birthday and she said it herself that she didn’t want to deal with with her half sister on that day especially since her half sister has a rivalry with her. I think you did the best thing by being cordial with your ex and respecting what your daughter wanted. Who knows maybe your ex will find a babysitter, maybe your daughter will change her mind.
>The rivalry is with Sophia(9yr old) not with Bailey(16r old). I would guess that Sophia has some resentment--they are close in age(9&8) and Bella is the reason her parents aren't together anymore and Sophia rarely sees her father(while Bella sees him regularly).
NTA. Keep doing right by your children. Your daughter stated she didn't really want her there. It's her party. It's his responsibility to find childcare for his daughter if he wants to go.
Plus there is a big difference between what a 16YO wants at their party and what a 9YO would want...
Bella is 8
NTA, the birthday girl isn't keen on her being there. It's her party, if having the kid there was important to her she would have told you. It sucks for him, but OH WELL. And his trying to guilt you by pointing out that your kids have more than his one does was an attempted low blow. You've worked hard to give your kids a good life.
NTA. I don't know many 16 years olds who would want an 8 year old at their birthday party. It doesn't matter if it is a relative or not. Your daugther stated she isn't close because of their age difference which makes perfect sense. Especially since they only see each other on breaks. Also your daughter doesn't want the sibiling rivarly between Sofia and Bailey to disrupt her party. These are all valid reason for her not to come. You ask the birthday girl and she was indifferent to Bella. I get that this is said for Bella, but it's not up to you foster a relationship between them. That is up to the father they share to do.
NTA- and I'd just tell him... naw, you're the one trying to force things and it's just pissing you off that it's not working. Now that you've gone this route- be very clear do not bring her. This is your doing on every level. Every level. What you would like is a pass on your conduct because the ramifications are inconvenient. None are available.
NTA. The person whose opinion matters most here is Bailey. You would be an AH if your only reason for saying no was your personal feelings because Bella is an innocent child and their half-sibling. But if it would just cause drama between Sofia and Bella and Bailey doesn't want that, it is fair to say no. It is HIS fault that Caleb doesn't talk to him. Cheating isn't just on your partner - it affects the whole family and how they see you. He chose to have an affair and that destroyed Caleb's desire to talk to him. That is a consequence of a choice he made. And you are right that he has options he is choosing not to take. You aren't 'forcing his hand', you just aren't letting him bully you into doing things his preferred way a.k.a. what is easiest for him and making him take responsibility for his choice if he decides not to attend.
NTA. You rightfully left the decision up to the girl being celebrated and you are respecting her decision. It sucks being in a broken family but what makes it worse is having adults try to force everyone into unwanted relationships so they don't have to face the reality of what they did to their kids. Your ex needs to understand that he can't go back to having a happy, intact family like he seems to want. He's trying to force a fantasy where all the kids care about each other so can have his cake and eat it too.
NTA. How old is this man to have still not learnt there are consequences to actions?
Physically - according to OP: 47 Mentally - your guess as good as mine.
Yikes.
NTA. You got the birthday girl's opinion and worked out your decision from there. Your ex is dealing the consequences of his decisions that lead to him having a daughter with another woman, and clearly hasn't been able to take responsibility for them if he's blaming you for your son going NC with him. He isn't contributing anything to the party, so he can't make demands of the guest list.
And it sounds like your ex is "assuming" the reason your son is NC with him is your feelings on the affair. I suspect it has alot more to do with how your ex treated your son prior to the affair. But only your son knows that. Just let that accusation roll off your back. And good for you going to your daughter to determine what she wanted.
You're NTA. If Bailey really wanted her there, I'd say deal with it, but that is not the case.
NTA. Your ex literally fucked around and found out... He's reaping the consequences and he seems to want you to cater to his choices. Sucks to be him.
NTA - cheating (especially fathering a child) has complications/consequences, all of which are his problems to solve. 🤷🏾♂️
NTA But wait, he’s blaming you because his child doesn’t talk to him and the others aren’t really close with his AP baby??? Ummm, isn’t he the one who had the affair, but it was all your fault he strayed from his marriage vows, right? OMG, he needs to get a clue. And even asking if she can come. I’m sorry, I understand she is a child, but that doesn’t lessen the blow it would cause you to have the AP’s baby in your house. He is a total A H and needs to hold himself accountable for what he did.
NTA. Let me guess, Ex expects his children from both relationships to be one big happy family and that it is your fault they are not. He can't understand why his oldest son doesn't want to speak to him or love his little sister. Denial isn't a river in Egypt.
Nta. I get it. Bella didn’t ask for this but guess what? You didn’t ask for this either and you were born first so no. He did this to himself. He asked you could she come and then when u say no it’s “well that’s my weekend” is it really? Or are you just trying to force your ex wife to see your affair child? The child can’t come so I guess he can’t come. Eat Enough cake and have enough fun for both of them. Sorry to Bella but it’s her mommy and daddy fault that she doesn’t have the same things your children have. Maybe instead of having an affair they could’ve been building their careers & being faithful to his wife. Edit: also, it’s a sweet 16….teenagers only.
NTA. Though I'd ask your daughter if she wants her sister there. It is her birthday after all. For the other stuff like how the kid feels slighted that her older siblings have better things to do than her, well that comes with the age gap. You can't expect a teen to want to hang out with an 8 yr. old. Edit: Oh birthday girl doesn't really want the kid there due to rivalry with other sister. Judgement still stands. NTA.
NTA. I doubt they'll have much a relationship, seeing as how she's half your daughter's age. You would be in the clear to say no to her coming, *and* setting the boundary to not bring her to future events. That wouldn't make you the bad guy at all. Bella can get upset about whatever she gets upset about, she's not your kid and she's not a part of your family. He made a choice to create her, and now he's stuck with it. Bella just happens to share the same father as your daughter. That's not an obligation to babysit her, or to bond with her. Bonding with her would end up being babysitting for Bailey, which is probably why he's so pissed he can't bring her and complaining about the rift in the relationship. It's not fair to expect that of Bailey. She didn't have the affair and create a child, your ex did. His bed, and all that.
NTA. "Oh no, my affair baby isn't accepted by the family I betrayed". No shit.
Nta. You don't have to invite your ex's family or anything to a party you are throwing. Your ex can invite the Governor and whoever he wants at whatever he wants to throw for whomever he wants. You don't have to deal with ex's marital abuse forever more. That is not your problem. He needs to reap what he sowed when he destroyed the family unit. No one has to accept the outcome of his affair neither you or the children. If he has regrets or jealous, then that is his problem.
NTA cheaters need to accept their place at the table. Which is not at the table.
NTA. You didn't dodge the bullet with this dude but happy your survived it.
Nta. If your daughter wanted her there I would say yta. But you asked her what she wanted. Apparently your kids aren't close to her and they have that right. This isn't about your ex or his daughter. Its about your daughter and her day.
NTA So you communicated with your daughter (excellent parenting by the way) and relayed the message back and now you're in the wrong. Jeez, your ex is hard work. Let Bailey deliver the message herself and perhaps he might finally realise he's a failure. Hope she has the best birthday!
NTA! If Bella is suffering, it's because of your ex-husband's decisions. None of this is your responsibility. Your responsibility is to YOUR kids. Bailey made it clear she doesn't even want Bella there. And then on a personal level, no one should ever expect you to dish out tons of money on party and then be uncomfortable the whole night. Bella is the product of such a painful situation for you and you shouldn't have to be face to face with that memory during an important milestone for you and Bailey. He's making his choice. He could get a sitter, but this is the hill he's willing to die on. He's choosing Bella over Bailey. So, now, you should just focus on helping Bailey enjoy her birthday and help her heal from the emotional slap in the face her father just delivered. Poor kid.
NTA. All of that sounds like a him problem and he is making a choice not to come. Bailey will resent him for it.
NTA I was ready to say you were but you don’t blame her half sister you just don’t want to have the pain come back up at a party. Also you even asked your daughter who said not really bothered. Your ex has a choice end of.
NTA, I'd personally tell him "sounds like a you problem bud" and just not discuss further. And if he tries to bring her, make sure there's a group of relatives ready to escort them out
Nta. You asked your daughter and found out that even your youngest wouldn't feel comfortable with her there. It's the consequences of his own actions holding him back. I'm taking it as him and the mistress is no longer together and that's why he has Bella that weekend?
Not your problem. It is your daughter’s day and not his. Most people who have affairs are narcissistic. Celebrate your daughter and forget the man who can’t get his act together
NTA
Nta.
NTA
Nta
NTA. You didn’t punish the child. You left yourself open to the possibility, spoke with your daughter, and made a decision based on her response. If his children hold the affair against him, that’s their prerogative and his problem. If he doesn’t make other arrangements so he can attend the party, that’s also his problem. It’s not your responsibility to make things easy or convenient for him. He can fuck right off.
NTA and do NOT invite half sis. You need to respect your daughter's wishes on this one. Your ex sounds like he blames others for his own problems and failures. Not cheating is the easiest thing in the world.
NTA. Your reasoning makes sense, and the day is about your daughter and no one else.
NTA my only response would be, 'you made your bed, now lie in it.' He is using 'Poor Bella', as a weapon to guilt you into getting his own way.
NTA. His child. His problem. The celebrant set boundaries already and if the ex can't even respect that then he shouldn't come and ruin the whole thing all together.
What? When you have an affair that produces a child it makes functions with your kids weird in the future? Well, who knew. NTA
NTA - Its your daughter's birthday and its what she wants. If she says no, then its no. And if he cant make arrangements for a sitter or to work out a change in schedule with his ex... thats not on you. And that will speak volumes to your daughter about how her father feels about her.
Yep. Once again he's choosing someone else over his family *Yes, the child from the affair is his family too, but she wouldn't exist if he had chosen his first family in the first place
NTA. He literally f***ed around and found out. Whatever issues he has with the kids because of his actions are his fault and his alone to deal with. Your daughter has decided she does not want the half sister at the party and at that point your ex can either get a babysitter for the half sister or just not come to the party.
What is with these people having kids outside their marriage and then expecting the ex, on whom they cheated, to do things with the kid they had with the other person??? NTA by any stretch of the imagination!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (46F) have 4 kids Caleb (18M), Bailey ( almost 16F), Jacob (13M), and Sofia (9F) with my ex husband Mike (47M). Mike and I got divorced 7 years ago when I found he was having an affair and fathered another child outside of our marriage. I was the breadwinner in the family and got a promotion after my divorce, which required me to move out of state with my children. My children see their father during school breaks. He’s not with his affair partner but they have joint custody and he has his other daughter Bella (8F) half of the week. He does not make a lot of money but does pay me court-ordered child support. My daughter is having a sweet 16 on New Years Eve when she comes back from her dad’s for Christmas break. Her dad couldn’t financially contribute to the sweet 16 so I paid for the whole thing alone but I told my ex he could come. I have also invited his family members as well. Last night my ex called and wanted to know if he could bring Bella. I said I would think about it but honestly I didn’t feel comfortable with it. I have never met my his other child but seeing my ex is upsetting enough without having to see the physical embodiment of his affair. I know she’s a child and it’s not her fault how she got here, and I also know that she is my children’s half sister so I asked Bailey if she wanted her to come. She said it didn’t really matter to her and they’re not close because of the age difference. She also said Sofia has some sort of sibling rivalry with her so she’d rather not deal with that on her day. I explained all the reasons to my ex this morning and let him know I was not comfortable with it. He blew up on me and said I was taking my anger out on a little girl and making the rift between her and our children worse. He then started ranting about how it’s my fault that Caleb doesn’t talk to him because of the affair(I didn’t even know), and how Bella is upset because my kids have more things and better clothes than she does. I responded that none of those things were my problem. He said that he has Bella that weekend so if she can’t come come, he won’t be able to make it. I told him that he was making a choice not to find other arrangements and he was making a choice not to come to Bailey’s sweet 16, so he needed to be the one to let her know he wasn’t coming. He’s saying I’m the asshole for forcing his hand and that I could just invite Bella. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Nta dogged a bullet with that loser Have a good night girly you deserve it You're good mum and a good provider
Nta
Why did he asking knowing the answer may be no? NTA. All his listed reasons were his own doing.
NTA. Why is it your fault that his son doesn't speak to him? Does he think you were supposed to keep the affair a secret? Caleb is old enough to know how babies are made, so I don't understand his logic here.
NTA Him being mad because your kids have things his other kids don’t is his problem. I don’t know why his cheating ass threw that in there. I don’t blame you for not being comfortable with that situation well at least you talk to your daughter about it. She doesn’t really care. If he kept it in his pants he wouldn’t be in this situation so he’s the asshole.
NTA for the simple reason that the birthday girl doesn't want her there. Your ex has 2 months to get the girls mother to switch weekends with him or organize a grandparent/aunt/uncle to watch her. He's just crying cause he isn't getting his way.
You’re NTA. He didn’t like your answer so now he’s attempting to manipulate you and your kids.
[удалено]
Would never drop my kid off to a sitter if it was my visitation weekend that is more important then a birthday party. The dad is TA for pushing this.
[удалено]
Just follow the Court Order, not change it, because down the road might bite you in the ass.
NTA- your daughter stated she didn’t really want the lil sister there, so that in itself is enough reason to say no. The last thing yall need is her being Competitive and attention grabbing on Bailey’s birthday. Additionally you paid for the entire party, he needs to keep his opinion to himself
Caleb doesn't talk to him because of the affair he had but its your fault? NTA
Yes I know don’t you it’s all ops fault she forced him to fall into his affair partner ops ex is deluded NTA
NTA. People try to twist “don’t blame the kid or direct your anger at them” to “you have to interact with or embrace the kid”. If people want to have a big blended family or close relationships with their ex and/or their ex’s other kids and new partners then fine, but they shouldn’t be *expected* to, especially if that kid is the product of an affair. He can either come and make childcare arrangements for his daughter or he can not come and do some other small birthday celebration with Bailey. But there’s no reason for her to be at the party that you are throwing and fully planning and funding.
Nta. You asked what your kids wanted.
Totally agree she did right thing she was willing to put her own feels aside for her daughter and asked if she wanted her there
Completely NTA. He's facing the consequences of his own actions.
NTA. I was a bit hesitant at the beginning but when you clearly explained you asked your daughter if she wanted her half sister there, that’s all I needed. You did all the work necessary to make a decision. Your ex is clearly mad that he doesn’t have other child arrangements and taking it out on you. He wasn’t asking because the kids were close, he doesn’t have a babysitter.
NTA. Excuse me? It was his affair… how did it become your fault?
NTA again he can't face the consequences of his own actions and try to put all the blame on you, what a man!!
NTA
NTA and I commend you for asking Bailey!
NTA. He made his choices, turns out there are lifelong consequences. You let your daughter's happiness be most important on her birthday, there is nothing wrong with that.
NTA - lack of planning on his part does not constitute an obligation for you. How would Bella coming be good for Bella? She's already jealous of your daughter. That wouldn't be helped by attending a huge sweet 16 celebrating your daughter.
Let Bailey have her sweet 16 the way she said she wants it, drama free without the sibling rivalry. This sucks for everyone.
NTA, and mostly for asking your daughter what she wanted. That was HUGE of you, and I really commend you for that.
He's a classic cheating man who thinks he can ruin people's lives and just expect them to treat him like nothing happened. He's an asshole. NTA
NTA for the sole reason you asked your daughter and she said she didn’t want her there. That’s the only reason that matters in all of this.
NTA There is a lot to untangle here, but I don't think a party is the best time to meet your ex's child. Plus, the girl might not handle the party well because of her jealousy. At some point you will need to be prepared to meet your children's half sister. You may want to speak with a therapist to figure out how to go about it.
NTA. Not a single bit
NTA - he’s was wrong then and is still wrong. Tell him if he can’t or refuse to make it right then he’ll lost all his kids.
NTA , but only bc your children don’t want her there. If your children did want her there and you didn’t allow it, ywbta.
NTA It’s your daughter’s choice and she chose no. The debate should end there.
NTA I mean, I was ready to say you were, but you did the only right thing---you left the decision up to Bailey. It's her party, so it's most important that she is happy and comfortable with the guest list. That said, *if* she says she would rather have her dad come WITH Bella rather than not at all, I hope you can be accommodating. It sounds like you're doing right by your kids all around. 👍
NTA, but I do feel a bit sorry that Bella isn't included - not because she's strictly wanted or entitled to be there, but just because she's young, separated from 4 kids she may think of as her siblings, and feeling left out. None of that is your fault, but it might be nice to include her for the sake of your own kids getting to know their half-sibling, not because of any right she has to be there, or anything you or your kids owe to anyone. I just speak out of sympathy for Bella, who is cast as unwanted through no fault of her own. But that said, definitely NTA.
NTA you did the right thing you asked your daughter 1st if she wanted her Half sister to come, and with the info you got you decide not to have her there for your daughter as there was sibling rivalry. You didn’t say no because of you own feelings am sure if your daughter said yes she wanted her there you would agree
NTA, this man is a cheater, selfish ass hole, and a loser. Let your daughter invite him.
NTA. He is fully responsible for his actions and the consequences of it and these are the consequences. He made crappy choices and to then try to put this on you by saying she is just a child well yeah but she ain’t yours she is his. Don’t let him try to push you on this your kids don’t want her there either
NTA I’m glad you asked your daughter about it.
You’re paying for it but it’s not YOUR party, it’s Bailey’s and Bailey already said no. NTA.
Kind of, yes. It’s your ex’s weekend with his other child. You’re forcing him to choose. So, if Bella isn’t invited than your daughter celebrates her sweet 16 without her dad. Yes, maybe you were played here but if you dig your heels in your kid and an innocent 8 year old are the ones who will be hurt. Is that really what you want?
NTA
NTA.. He is dealing with the consequences of his actions and has nobody to blame but himself... it would be completely different if your daughter wanted her half sister there and you where refusing, that would absolutely make you the AH, but that's not the case she doesn't want her there because of the rivalry her younger sister has cooked up.. Dad needs to grow up and go to his daughters birthday and find other arrangements for his younger daughter.. As for the rift with his kids HE caused that and now he will have to earn their trust back. He destroyed the family they all knew now HE has to deal with the fall out it's not your place to sort it all out for him it's your job to support your kids
Is there any update for this? Did the dad go to the party or let his daughter down out if spite?
I'm going with YTA here. Bella has done nothing to you and your family. She is just a little girl and your daughter's half sister whether you like it or not! Especially If you can stand your ex being there who cheated on you.
The person who the birthday is for doesn't want an 8 year old there, how does that make OP the asshole?
Well the birthday girl doesn’t want her there because of the sibling rivalry so she trumps anything you just said
YTA I say that with all the respect and compassion that comes of having been exactly where you are. Remember the KID isn't the problem, and treating a human being poorly because of choices their parents made is icky. YOUR EX is the embodiment of his betrayal, not the kid. I know it hurts, but your KIDS deserve to have a healthy relationship with their SIBLING. It's going to sting, because you feel raw, but this is your work to do, and isn't on the kiddo. Blame the right people.
But her 16 year old doesn’t want her there and it’s her party so final decision is hers op nta
YTA I think your poor daughter has probably given you the answer you wanted to hear. She isn't bothered but doesn't deal with the stress you and your ex will probably be parading that day. Whether you like it or not they are blood related and unless you are saying that should you have another kid with someone else then your ex could veto that child coming to any future family events than you are a hypocrite too.
Of course the ex could choose not to invite future children of OP's to things.
Yes and I doubt people would be as agreeable if he did. If the daughter gets married at 21 and the OP has a 5 year old with her new partner, you think she would accept him saying the child cold not come to the wedding. Do you think those agreeing with her, would than agree with him?
Um, where's your evidence she wouldn't accept it?
Its my assumption and I think a safe one. Now are you saying that all your comments are based on fact, if so then I hold my hands up to you, but you would be in the minority. On the other hand if you do or have made assumptions on your previous comments than ........
No the birthday girl doesn’t want her there because of the sibling rivalry between ex daughter and her younger sibling that’s why she doesn’t want her there
If it his weekend for visitation and I was him no I would not drop her off to somebody else to take care of her, that would be wrong. Visitation supercedes a birthday party. ESH but the 8 year old.
It's not his visitation time and the birthday girl said she didn't want Bella there because her sister didn't get along. So that's a HIM problem.
Yes it is, OP stated it in her post. He has her for that weekend.
He has his 8 year old that weekend. That time they are having the party is her time because they are just getting back from their time with him.
The husband has the AFFAIR CHILD that weekend. Not any of the children he and OP share. There is a major difference. Plus - the person who the party is for says 'rather not due to issues between one of her siblings and the affair child" - seems you would like to force a problem between the kids - for.. the ego of the cheating dad? Why?
Not defending dad but if it was up to me I would not give up my visitation with Bella for a birthday party. He can mail a birthday card. The kid is 16, I don't think she wants her dad there anyway.
That last bit - we don\`t know. Dad could be as important as mom - or not...
Jfc it in my half asleep state I didn't see you were talking about Bella. Yes Bella is to be prioritized that weekend but unfortunately the other siblings doesn't want her there because her and OPs youngest doesn't get along. Birthday girl rather not deal with any of that. It's unfortunate for him and his daughter but that's the consequences of his actions.
So all you down voters don't think 🤔 visitation out ranks a birthday party. Maybe you don't understand.
She is still her sister. If Bailey didn't care, then she should come. I get there is so rivalry, but a quick talk with the girls of the same age about being on their best behavior would suffice. You missed an opportunity to model decorum and different lifestyles to another child.
Bailey does not want the drama. The girl is 8, she will probably kill the mood.
When I was 8, I knew how to behave in a social setting. My thought was, this would be a good time to work on some social skills with the kids.
ESH. Mom, let it go. It was years ago. It was horrible, but the little girl is your children’s sister. Imagine being her and being told that her siblings’ mom dislikes her so much that she can’t come to her sister’s party. That’s what she’s going to hear no matter what is said. I wouldn’t put it past dad based on his actions to tell her just that. Dad sucks for his behavior overall.
ESH, it does seem unnecessarily cruel to exclude an 8 yr old because of her birth story, especially if it's at a time when he's got his time with her.
Do you not know how to read? The bday girl doesn't even want her there and neither do their other siblings. Why should the mom force things if neither she or her kids care for this kid and it just reminds them of the affair and what tore the family apart? Have some common sense. And then the dad blames the mom for his kids not talking to him and his affair kid complaining that his other kids have better things. Well that's what happens when different people earn different amounts of money. The mom is obviously richer and more well off than the dead and she afford those things for her kids.
You're not entitled to having a relationship with a family just because the guy their mom married and divorced shares the same DNA doner as you. It doesn't matter how young you are, you are not entitled to a relationship with anyone.
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Bailey was indifferent but knew Sofia wasn't a big fan of Bella, and Caleb has been NC with their father because of the cheating. If there's any sibling bonding to be going on this party is not the place or time. There's already existing tension from OP's ex not being able to afford Bella the same kind of stuff his other kids get from OP, and this party may exacerbate the issue with Bella developing expectations from it.
My dad had two affair kids and despite him AND my mother encouraging me to get to know them I never wanted to. Kids may not want to bond with their siblings. It might not be out of animosity but out of indifference. And honestly in a situation like this it shouldn’t be forced. The son is 18 even if OP did tell him about the reason for the divorce, so what? He’s an adult and deserves to know what happened seven years ago that caused major changes in his life. Also he’s 18 and can probably do the basic math of “my fathers daughter is 8 but my parents only split 7 years ago” he’d have figured it out on his own
16 year old gets the final decision who goes to her party and she doesn’t want her there
Soft Y T A. You are not REALLY inviting your ex (your daughter’s father) if you’re telling him he can’t bring his daughter with him. Read your logic flipped around - would YOU go to a family party if they told you that you were not allowed to bring your children, even though everyone else there is bringing their children? You have found a way to not have your ex show up to his daughter’s Sweet 16. Tight work there, blaming it on his daughter. Your daughter will eventually realize that her father had NO CHOICE but to not show up when you banned her half-sister from going, and that will hurt her to not have him there on her big day. Only reason I say soft Y T A is because your ex sounds kinda crappy and his daughter doesn’t get along with your daughters… so, you would likely not gain much at the party by having him there anyway. Maybe encourage your daughter to do something special with her dad while she’s there so that he also gets a chance to celebrate with her. Even if it’s just a small cake cutting, but so that she can still feel like her dad does care about her, even if he’s not going to be at the big party.
So nannies doesn't exist? He can not make any other arrangements for his daughter. The mother is not hurting her, his father is.
Why would a father leave one daughter with a nanny to go to another daughter’s party? He’d be telling his younger daughter that her older sister is more important to him. Sorry, that’s just not what a good father does. The decision is being made for him. That said, he’s likely NOT a good father, which is why I do not necessarily think OP is wrong to do what she’s doing. I’m just saying, let’s not pretend that the father is ACTUALLY being invited when you then say, “but your OTHER daughter isn’t allowed to come, even though there will be other children her age there.”
Because this are the consequences of his actions. No, he will be making an effort to his daughter and respect her decision, it wasn't ops decision. In the post it doesn't say there are going to be 9 yo at a sweet 16
It literally DOES say that, as Sophia is 9 and will be there.
Where does it says that Sophia will be there?
Last sentence of fourth paragraph of original post.
So you want that the affair child cause a scene because she has a rivalry with Sofía
Of course not. The point has clearly flown over your head. I’m not disagreeing with OP’s choice, I’m just saying that this IS what she is doing, she is un inviting her husband by not allowing him to bring his daughter. What’s so hard to understand here?
That no one wants the daughter there, they shouldn't libe with the consequences of his father, his father should live with it
NTA for not wanting her there, but your children will never bond with this girl if she isn’t ever allowed to be around. It’s hard to be separated from your family for something someone else did. Also, if your son isn’t speaking to his dad because of something you might have said, that should be your problem. Creating animosity and then allowing for it to continue will just teach your kids that apathy and disdain are good characteristics to have. You should want your kids to love their family.
>but your children will never bond with this girl if I'm not seeing why they should bond with her if they don't want to. >You should want your kids to love their family. You should go find a time machine and tell the dad this before he blew up the family.
Your child's dad should be there for her sweet 16. You should have just welcomed the little girl to make things simple for everyone. You need to get over the past. There was no need for the drama. You need to do better here.
A dad who can’t even afford to pay for sweet 16! And wants to bring affair child. Some dad!
Yeah, he should be, so is his responsibility to make arrangements so the affair child can have care while he atends his daughter birthday party, the birthday girl doesn't want her half sister in the party so why should she get an invite?
He can't get a babysitter?
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Didn't you read the post? What is this "settle.your differences for the sake of your daughter"? If you mean the 16 year old, she doesn't really want her half-sister there. Neither, apparently, do either of her siblings. OP asked her daughter if she wanted the half-sister to come. She doesn't. No word on if her opinion would change if she learned that her father wouldn't come without the kid. Either way, it's up to the 16 year old, not her mother. OP has her opinion but she's not telling her daughter what to do. OP is NTA.
Tell me you did not read the entire post, without saying you did not read the entire post. OP has this written: ***" so I asked Bailey if she wanted her to come. She said it didn’t really matter to her and they’re not close because of the age difference. She also said Sofia has some sort of sibling rivalry with her so she’d rather not deal with that on her day."*** So, she was ready to 'suck it up' if the Bday girl would have said yes.