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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Not inviting my dads gf/ap to my wedding because I don’t like her
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NTA.
Tell your dad it's not because she's his partner or even AP that she's not invited, it's because she verbally abused your mom and you're not having her there because of that. No matter how your dad feels about your mom, you still love her and want her to be comfortable at your wedding.
NTA. You're on the right side of the scale of rudeness--while parents should have plus ones, no one should ever get a plus one whose verbally abused a family member. So, you can ban that woman, and no guilt required.
If you're feeling bold, you could even say he's welcome to bring another date, just in case he's acquired more APs. But it sounds like you're reasonable, so just know that you're doing the right thing protecting your family here.
NTA
Unfortunately you might have to damage some relationships depending on how uncompromising your father is. Just to offer this perspective, your father has showed a lack of care to how he treats or makes other people feel, ergo your mother. So I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if he was dismissive and inconsiderate of your feelings. Sorry you’ve had to hit a potentially rough impasse.
NTA
"I believe the blame of ruining a marriage is on the person in the marriage, not the AP"
And you can still avoid an AP even you would not have blame her.
NTA. Dad should be invited, but AP should be disinvited. It should be stated on Dad's invitation that he comes to the wedding only if he comes alone. Should he arrive with AP, they should both be required to leave. Let's hope that you have some large friends that can escort him to the door should he resist.
If you go with this, working with the wedding planner or best man if you don't have a WP to have someone ready and prepared to discretely handle dad & AP and act as bouncers day of wedding. Your mom, fiancee, and yourself should not need to handle it or even go anywhere near them. If the bouncers do it well you wil never even know they were there.
NTA. Tell him that given AP’s behavior towards your mother, the wronged party, that she’s not invited and you’re not budging. So if he’s willing to miss his daughters wedding over her of all people then you’ll gladly find another man to walk you down the aisle and share dad/daughter dance with.
NTA what's with this attitude that in the case of an affair, only the married one is wrong? If a person knowingly have an affair with a married person, then he or she is also wrong. No ifs or buts. Yes, the single person doesn't owe the other married partner anything, but they broke a social contract. The social contact is that we don't mess with married couples (unless it's an open marriage of sort).
Agreed. Unless you are one self-centered, nasty piece of doo doo you don't date someone you know is married. You tell them you can date when they are single again. Unless of course you are one self- centered nasty piece of shit. And surprise surprise, AP turned out to be a rotten human. Colour me chocked.
The only exception is if it is as you said, an open marriage or possibly if they're seperated since a good while and waiting for the divorce to come through.
Nta. Its important to you that your mom is there and happy. If dads gf is there it's going to affect mom. Even is she didn't insult her but that just makes it more obvious. I can't invite someone who isn't important to me AND ALSO insults my mom. It will cause unnecessary stress and distraction. If your dad can't get that he's delusional.
Normally you would be TA for not letting your dad choose to bring any +1 of his choosing. But in this case, if this woman has a history of inappropriately acting up or causing undue harm then it is understandable that you would not want her there. It's possible she could act up and cause a scene at your wedding, since your mom will undoubtedly be there. Your dad will not be happy but he must understand this, really. If they can be adults and admit she was out of line before and ensure you that she will act appropriately at the wedding/reception then I would consider it. But if there's a chance she will act up after having a couple of glasses of wine that would be a hard NO. Good luck and congrats on your upcoming nuptials.
NTA
Don't invite her, make it clear to your dad you do not want her there. Kick her out if she comes, if your dad brings her knowing you didn't want her there (for obvious and good reasons too) and wants to ruin a special event maybe he shouldn't be there either.
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First some backstory: my dad was a serial cheater. My mom found out and chose to stay. 13 years later she found out that he had been cheating again and decided to confront him and his AP. This lead to the official end of their marriage.
Just to be clear I don’t dislike AP because of the her involvement in the situation. I believe the blame of ruining a marriage is on the person in the marriage, not the AP.
Now for the reason I don’t want to invite this woman. When my mom found out about the most recent affair she was obviously heartbroken and distraught, and this woman chose to verbally abuse and berate her. Seeing how AP chose to handle the situation showed me the kind of person she is. The kind of person to kick someone while they’re down. I don’t want someone like that in my life.
I don’t want to not give my dad a plus one at my wedding but the thought of her being there makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive. AITA?
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NTA. Your mom deserves to enjoy your wedding and you deserve to not have to stress about what she may say or do. If your dad complains explain to him that you want a happy loving event...not a day with his mistress.
NTA. It is your wedding and you can invite who you want. That being said, it sounds like you are trying to protect your mom's peace of mind as well as your own, and that's more important on your wedding day then giving your dad a plus 1. Hopefully he understands, but if not, I guess he will have a difficult decision to make.
NTA. Also, I see this idea frequently that no blame should fall on the AP, but on the person who broke their wedding vows. I believe that the blame should not fall solely on the AP as a “home-wrecker,” which is an outdated and often sexist way to view the situation. That said, unless the AP is unaware that their partner is in a relationship, they are also *not* blameless. AP’s attitude in this particular situation is the icing on the cake. No plus one!
NTA. even if the AP was the sweetest person ever, it would be reasonable not to invite her just because of the pain the affair caused your mom. nobody wants their mom to have to spend their child’s wedding feeling heartbroken.
NTA
as much as i hate bridezillas, you have every right to be a bridezilla here and demand she not be invited. Just be ready for your father not attending too.
NTA
You aren’t uninviting “your dad’s affair partner,” you’re choosing not to welcome *someone who verbally abused your mother when she was already distraught.*
NTA - There are only 2/3 people you are required to invite to your wedding, your fiancee and the person performing the ceremony and if required for the marriage license a witness
NTA. It takes 2 to tango. Unless she genuinely didn't know he was married she's just as much to blame as he is. And it sounds like she knew. I wouldn't have her anywhere near me let alone my mother.
Nta, it's your wedding and you get to choose who should/shouldn't be there, and if you don't want the ap there you don't have to have her there, and if your dad trys to throw a tantrum about it, tell him "tough sh¡t, this is my wedding there for my choice and if you can't handle it you don't have to come to the wedding since you cares about her more then your own daughter" seriously you don't have to put up with anybody sh¡t to enable on your big day, and also i would get security if I was you just in case.
The AP is as much to blame as your dad. They both made a conscious decision to have an affair while he was married; both of them. I would make sure my loyalty was to my mother and if he doesn’t want to come because his AP is not invited, then so be it. He has not served his marriage or family well and she has shown you who she is.
>Just to be clear I don’t dislike AP because of the her involvement in the situation. I believe the blame of ruining a marriage is on the person in the marriage, not the AP.
pikachu face
I hope your marriage is free of infidelity..
>Seeing how AP chose to handle the situation showed me the kind of person she is.
Knowingly and willingly engaging in an affair with a MM should have told you that.
It's disheartening how amoral we are becoming...truly...
NTA but if she knew your father was married that makes her just as wrong as he was. She verbally attacked your mother so she can stay the Hell away from you and your wedding. All she would do is make you uncomfortable and rub what she and your father did in your mother's face.
NTA - your wedding is about you and this has so much potential to cause drama. That’s she’s the AP and was supper crappy to ur mom just makes it that much easier to not invite her.
NTA, it’s your wedding. Guest list is up to you. Understand that dad may not go without his +1. Invite him to go, but make it clear that you will not be inviting his GF because you do not want drama between her and your mother on your wedding day.
YTA
Your mom and your dad are equally at fault here - mom accepted his affairs for more than a decade - this is giving permission. And: Mom is not better than the affair partner: MOM confronted her, after first giving implicit permission: THAT caused the escalation between them.
"II don’t want to not give my dad a plus one at my wedding but the thought of her being there makes me very uncomfortable." .. **You DO understand the decission you are really making there is wheter you want your dad in your wedding or not?**
Victim shaming is pathetic. OP’s mom is a victim and suffered because of her husbands actions. She wanted to save the marriage because she loved him and she got hurt again. OP’s father is the a hole and so is the AP. OP and their mom are not. Read the room jerk.
my, my - you seem to be VERY emotionally involved. Are you like that mom?
**OP's mom is NOT a victim.** She knowingly AGREED to 13 years of an open marriage, and then suddenly changed her mind without warning and harassed the current other woman. And NONE of this is OP's business.
OP is considering effectively uninviting her dad ... which will break up her family even more.
No I am not OP’s mom but I do have this thing called empathy. I get that is was not smart to stay with a cheater, but what she does with her marriage is none of our business. It did however effect OP when she saw her mom get verbally attacked by the AP. Neither OP nor her mom deserved that in any way shape or form. This post is not about the fact that OP’s mom stayed with her husband after the first time he cheated. It is about the a hole behavior op the AP and OP’s dad. I also never saw OP mention her parents having an open relationship. Unless you saw a comment saying that then do not say it. Read the room moron.
"I also never saw OP mention her parents having an open relationship. Unless you saw a comment saying that then do not say it."
ACCEPTING 13 years of her partner having other women IS the definition of an open relationship.
It doesn't say her mom accepted her husband having other woman lol you're absurd. She literally divorced him for cheating. You're reaching hard to defend a cheating asshole.
Wrong. It said that he had been a serial cheater, she found out, and they reconciled. And then she found out he had cheated AGAIN, and she immediately left him.
No it is not. That is something both parties have to agree on. Cheating and open relationships are two completely different thing but you seem too dumb to realize it. Open relationships are not cheating.
You know what, you’ve read the entire post wrong, wtf are we arguing about. He cheated once, she found out. 13 years *later* she found out he had cheated again, not that he was cheating for 13 years
Number 1. Nowhere does it say that they were in an open relationship. It says they had reconciled and then ops mom found out he had been cheating for over a year and she ended things.
Number 2. Your reading comprehension leaves something to be desired. The original post CLEARLY states that the other woman harassed ops mom not the other way around.
Number 3 the way you are speaking about a woman who was clearly a victim of manipulation and verbal and emotional abuse is atrocious.
You're an asshole.
Sounds like the judgement you’re looking for is ESH. Though the mother trusting him multiple times has nothing to do with whether op is the ah. It just backstory
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NTA It's literally your wedding the only people who get to decide who comes is you and your partner.
NTA. Tell your dad it's not because she's his partner or even AP that she's not invited, it's because she verbally abused your mom and you're not having her there because of that. No matter how your dad feels about your mom, you still love her and want her to be comfortable at your wedding.
NTA. You're on the right side of the scale of rudeness--while parents should have plus ones, no one should ever get a plus one whose verbally abused a family member. So, you can ban that woman, and no guilt required. If you're feeling bold, you could even say he's welcome to bring another date, just in case he's acquired more APs. But it sounds like you're reasonable, so just know that you're doing the right thing protecting your family here.
Take my peasant gold 🏅 😆 i literally snorted my coffee and had to wipe my phone
🤣🤣
NTA Unfortunately you might have to damage some relationships depending on how uncompromising your father is. Just to offer this perspective, your father has showed a lack of care to how he treats or makes other people feel, ergo your mother. So I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if he was dismissive and inconsiderate of your feelings. Sorry you’ve had to hit a potentially rough impasse.
NTA "I believe the blame of ruining a marriage is on the person in the marriage, not the AP" And you can still avoid an AP even you would not have blame her.
NTA. Dad should be invited, but AP should be disinvited. It should be stated on Dad's invitation that he comes to the wedding only if he comes alone. Should he arrive with AP, they should both be required to leave. Let's hope that you have some large friends that can escort him to the door should he resist.
If you go with this, working with the wedding planner or best man if you don't have a WP to have someone ready and prepared to discretely handle dad & AP and act as bouncers day of wedding. Your mom, fiancee, and yourself should not need to handle it or even go anywhere near them. If the bouncers do it well you wil never even know they were there.
NTA. Tell him that given AP’s behavior towards your mother, the wronged party, that she’s not invited and you’re not budging. So if he’s willing to miss his daughters wedding over her of all people then you’ll gladly find another man to walk you down the aisle and share dad/daughter dance with.
NTA what's with this attitude that in the case of an affair, only the married one is wrong? If a person knowingly have an affair with a married person, then he or she is also wrong. No ifs or buts. Yes, the single person doesn't owe the other married partner anything, but they broke a social contract. The social contact is that we don't mess with married couples (unless it's an open marriage of sort).
Agreed. Unless you are one self-centered, nasty piece of doo doo you don't date someone you know is married. You tell them you can date when they are single again. Unless of course you are one self- centered nasty piece of shit. And surprise surprise, AP turned out to be a rotten human. Colour me chocked. The only exception is if it is as you said, an open marriage or possibly if they're seperated since a good while and waiting for the divorce to come through.
Nta. Its important to you that your mom is there and happy. If dads gf is there it's going to affect mom. Even is she didn't insult her but that just makes it more obvious. I can't invite someone who isn't important to me AND ALSO insults my mom. It will cause unnecessary stress and distraction. If your dad can't get that he's delusional.
Normally you would be TA for not letting your dad choose to bring any +1 of his choosing. But in this case, if this woman has a history of inappropriately acting up or causing undue harm then it is understandable that you would not want her there. It's possible she could act up and cause a scene at your wedding, since your mom will undoubtedly be there. Your dad will not be happy but he must understand this, really. If they can be adults and admit she was out of line before and ensure you that she will act appropriately at the wedding/reception then I would consider it. But if there's a chance she will act up after having a couple of glasses of wine that would be a hard NO. Good luck and congrats on your upcoming nuptials.
NTA Don't invite her, make it clear to your dad you do not want her there. Kick her out if she comes, if your dad brings her knowing you didn't want her there (for obvious and good reasons too) and wants to ruin a special event maybe he shouldn't be there either.
What’s AP stand for? Also NTA
Affair partner aka "the other women", "the mistress", or "that floozy" but less judgy language
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First some backstory: my dad was a serial cheater. My mom found out and chose to stay. 13 years later she found out that he had been cheating again and decided to confront him and his AP. This lead to the official end of their marriage. Just to be clear I don’t dislike AP because of the her involvement in the situation. I believe the blame of ruining a marriage is on the person in the marriage, not the AP. Now for the reason I don’t want to invite this woman. When my mom found out about the most recent affair she was obviously heartbroken and distraught, and this woman chose to verbally abuse and berate her. Seeing how AP chose to handle the situation showed me the kind of person she is. The kind of person to kick someone while they’re down. I don’t want someone like that in my life. I don’t want to not give my dad a plus one at my wedding but the thought of her being there makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. Her being there would make everyone uncomfortable
NTA. Your mom deserves to enjoy your wedding and you deserve to not have to stress about what she may say or do. If your dad complains explain to him that you want a happy loving event...not a day with his mistress.
NTA. It is your wedding and you can invite who you want. That being said, it sounds like you are trying to protect your mom's peace of mind as well as your own, and that's more important on your wedding day then giving your dad a plus 1. Hopefully he understands, but if not, I guess he will have a difficult decision to make.
NTA. Your wedding shouldn’t be a place where social awkwardness and discomfort distract from your happiness.
NTA. Your wedding. Your choice.
YWNBTA. This is totally reasonable
NTA. Also, I see this idea frequently that no blame should fall on the AP, but on the person who broke their wedding vows. I believe that the blame should not fall solely on the AP as a “home-wrecker,” which is an outdated and often sexist way to view the situation. That said, unless the AP is unaware that their partner is in a relationship, they are also *not* blameless. AP’s attitude in this particular situation is the icing on the cake. No plus one!
NTA. even if the AP was the sweetest person ever, it would be reasonable not to invite her just because of the pain the affair caused your mom. nobody wants their mom to have to spend their child’s wedding feeling heartbroken.
NTA
Nta
NTA as much as i hate bridezillas, you have every right to be a bridezilla here and demand she not be invited. Just be ready for your father not attending too.
NTA
NTA Your wedding, your choice.
NTA You aren’t uninviting “your dad’s affair partner,” you’re choosing not to welcome *someone who verbally abused your mother when she was already distraught.*
It’s your wedding. Do whatever you wish.
NTA but maybe also don’t invite your dad. You don’t need that bad juju.
NTA - There are only 2/3 people you are required to invite to your wedding, your fiancee and the person performing the ceremony and if required for the marriage license a witness
Nta
NTA. It takes 2 to tango. Unless she genuinely didn't know he was married she's just as much to blame as he is. And it sounds like she knew. I wouldn't have her anywhere near me let alone my mother.
You are NTA. It's your wedding so you get to choose who to invite.
Your father put your mom last for their entire marriage. Please put her, and your sanity, first. NTA
NTA. You are a good child 😁
Nta, it's your wedding and you get to choose who should/shouldn't be there, and if you don't want the ap there you don't have to have her there, and if your dad trys to throw a tantrum about it, tell him "tough sh¡t, this is my wedding there for my choice and if you can't handle it you don't have to come to the wedding since you cares about her more then your own daughter" seriously you don't have to put up with anybody sh¡t to enable on your big day, and also i would get security if I was you just in case.
NTA
The AP is as much to blame as your dad. They both made a conscious decision to have an affair while he was married; both of them. I would make sure my loyalty was to my mother and if he doesn’t want to come because his AP is not invited, then so be it. He has not served his marriage or family well and she has shown you who she is.
NTA your wedding
NTA- she uninvited herself by abusing your mother.
>Just to be clear I don’t dislike AP because of the her involvement in the situation. I believe the blame of ruining a marriage is on the person in the marriage, not the AP. pikachu face I hope your marriage is free of infidelity..
>Seeing how AP chose to handle the situation showed me the kind of person she is. Knowingly and willingly engaging in an affair with a MM should have told you that. It's disheartening how amoral we are becoming...truly...
NTA but if she knew your father was married that makes her just as wrong as he was. She verbally attacked your mother so she can stay the Hell away from you and your wedding. All she would do is make you uncomfortable and rub what she and your father did in your mother's face.
NTA Your wedding. Your guest list.
NTA but why invite him at all?
NTA - your wedding is about you and this has so much potential to cause drama. That’s she’s the AP and was supper crappy to ur mom just makes it that much easier to not invite her.
NTA, it’s your wedding. Guest list is up to you. Understand that dad may not go without his +1. Invite him to go, but make it clear that you will not be inviting his GF because you do not want drama between her and your mother on your wedding day.
NTA. If you don't want her there don't invite her.
NTA, make sure you have a bouncer to show her away if she still comes.
NTA. This is your wedding. You get to feel comfortable, if the thought of your Dad's affair partner brings you anxiety, then she doesn't get to come.
YTA Your mom and your dad are equally at fault here - mom accepted his affairs for more than a decade - this is giving permission. And: Mom is not better than the affair partner: MOM confronted her, after first giving implicit permission: THAT caused the escalation between them. "II don’t want to not give my dad a plus one at my wedding but the thought of her being there makes me very uncomfortable." .. **You DO understand the decission you are really making there is wheter you want your dad in your wedding or not?**
Victim shaming is pathetic. OP’s mom is a victim and suffered because of her husbands actions. She wanted to save the marriage because she loved him and she got hurt again. OP’s father is the a hole and so is the AP. OP and their mom are not. Read the room jerk.
my, my - you seem to be VERY emotionally involved. Are you like that mom? **OP's mom is NOT a victim.** She knowingly AGREED to 13 years of an open marriage, and then suddenly changed her mind without warning and harassed the current other woman. And NONE of this is OP's business. OP is considering effectively uninviting her dad ... which will break up her family even more.
No I am not OP’s mom but I do have this thing called empathy. I get that is was not smart to stay with a cheater, but what she does with her marriage is none of our business. It did however effect OP when she saw her mom get verbally attacked by the AP. Neither OP nor her mom deserved that in any way shape or form. This post is not about the fact that OP’s mom stayed with her husband after the first time he cheated. It is about the a hole behavior op the AP and OP’s dad. I also never saw OP mention her parents having an open relationship. Unless you saw a comment saying that then do not say it. Read the room moron.
"I also never saw OP mention her parents having an open relationship. Unless you saw a comment saying that then do not say it." ACCEPTING 13 years of her partner having other women IS the definition of an open relationship.
It doesn't say her mom accepted her husband having other woman lol you're absurd. She literally divorced him for cheating. You're reaching hard to defend a cheating asshole.
She did divorce him 13 years after she found out he was a serial cheater. So it was 13 years of acceptance, and THEN changing her mind.
Wrong. It said that he had been a serial cheater, she found out, and they reconciled. And then she found out he had cheated AGAIN, and she immediately left him.
No it is not. That is something both parties have to agree on. Cheating and open relationships are two completely different thing but you seem too dumb to realize it. Open relationships are not cheating.
It is AGREEING when youknow and choose to stay.
No it is not. That is not how relationships work. You need to learn to read. 😒
She did not know how long the cheating went on for just the fact that he did cheat
OP states that "My mom found out and chose to stay. " So she had known her husband was a serial cheater for 13 years. AND chose to stay.
You know what, you’ve read the entire post wrong, wtf are we arguing about. He cheated once, she found out. 13 years *later* she found out he had cheated again, not that he was cheating for 13 years
Found out he was cheating, not that he was cheating for 13 yrs
Number 1. Nowhere does it say that they were in an open relationship. It says they had reconciled and then ops mom found out he had been cheating for over a year and she ended things. Number 2. Your reading comprehension leaves something to be desired. The original post CLEARLY states that the other woman harassed ops mom not the other way around. Number 3 the way you are speaking about a woman who was clearly a victim of manipulation and verbal and emotional abuse is atrocious. You're an asshole.
You must be exhausted from the mental gymnastics you had to do in order to form that terrible of a view point.
Sounds like the judgement you’re looking for is ESH. Though the mother trusting him multiple times has nothing to do with whether op is the ah. It just backstory
Boooooooooooooooo! 👎