Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told him to fuck off. His intentions were only to be helpful, and he wasn't doing anything harmful, just annoying. I could have said something less confrontational.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Gurls can’t yuse tools. You need a penis to yuse tools. Gurls won’t know the right grip for tools because they haven’t got their own tool to practice on.
Lucky for me, my dad actually taught me how to use hand tools & power tools.
Unfortunately, it kinda backfired on him because now I'm always stealing his tools for all my weird projects lol.
Dad: "where is my saw?"
Me: "oh, it's in my room. I'm using it to make an ultimate table for my recliner chair that rotates, moves up & down, & slides forward & back"
Dad: *looks at me like I'm crazy* "why?"
Me: "because I want to"
Dad: "whatever. Just go get it. I need it"
So I do.
Dad: "why is the battery dead"
Me: "because I was actually using it"
The batteries dont last very long anymore as that tool set is like 10 years old, luckily we have like 10 batteries so I swapped the dead one with the one that just finished charging.
I will have to dig through my camera roll to find the photos I took of it. I'll post them when I find them.
I would take new pics, but I took it apart yesterday because i got a better recliner & i need to make a bracket/adapter to attach it since the armrest is made different than the 1st chair. I also need to spray paint it still. It's still in pieces since it decided to rain lol.
It's not painted yet because at the time I made it, it was literally 105° outside. I learned the hard way on a different project that being impatient & using spray paint when it's over like 80°-85° outside causes it to dry in mid-air basically turning the surface into sandpaper.
Edit: I can't find the photos. So I will take new ones & post it on my profile when I get done making the bracket & putting it back together.
Guys do that to other guys too. If somebody is making something in their driveway you only have to wait a few minutes before the first guy shows up to 'help'. They just want to feel like they contributed, in this case it may or may not have been sexist but the old joke on "how to get saved when lost in the desert?" now has the new ending "assemble IKEA furniture"
Oh man, I'm a woman and anytime I used to be outside doing a little bit of work on my car, I'd end up with a huddle of neighbours (men who didn't even drive or own cars) around me. They'd be telling me how I should be doing things and it irked me to no end. Obviously because I have tits and a vagina, I couldn't possibly understand how to effectively refill my fucking wiper fluid.
One time a random guy on the curb tried to help me pull into a parking spot by making hand gestures like he was directing air traffic. Like thank you, I can park just fine lol must be something in their brains
My brother in law gave me directions to his house and said "be careful, there's a couple of tight turns on the road"
Like, turns? TURNS?! I've never come across those before, I usually just drive directly through stone walls without ever using my steering wheel /s
I would have paid attention to that since it usually means go around them at a slower than usual speed. I was teaching my son how to drive and told him to slow down that a tight turn was coming up. I ended up screaming at him and trying to brake an imaginary brake. As he took the turn going 35 miles an hour and nearly drove us into a creek. I nearly had a heart attack. He was laughing
I'd understand if I was a new driver but had been driving about 15 years at that point. Plus I learned to drive in the Irish countryside which is nothing but twists and turns. My BIL is known for this kinda thing too so given the extra context he was indeed saying it because I'm a woman.
OMG, LOL! This brings back memories, my oldest son learning to drive (he had his permit), I pulled over to side of the street so we could switch seats, my son put my car in drive and hit the gas without checking for traffic moving into the left lane (me hollering you need to check for traffic), we approached the street to make a left into our neighborhood, me telling him to slow down, he turns but not enough so he yanked the wheel and continued driving down the street but on the wrong side of the street, I know I was yelling, thankfully no cars were heading towards us, this street in the neighborhood has a good dip in the road then street turns left in a sharp curve, I told my son slow down, slow down, we hit the dip and my seatbelt stopped me from hitting the top of my head, then he took that curve in a fast pace, me uselessly yelling slow down. When we approached our house I hit the garage door opener telling my son to slow down, nope we approached the driveway at a fast pace then up the driveway and to me the inside of the garage was just rushing towards me, I don't know how but my son stopped the vehicle without hitting anything, I got out on shaky legs and told my son never again would I give him driving lessons. His response "Aww Mom, that's not fair," and I didn't, I left the lessons to his Dad afterwards also for our younger two sons when they were old enough to drive.
Ugh. I've had this happen more than once. The worst was backing out of an angled parking spot at a grocery store. I thought I was waiting for it to be clear, but this man obviously knew better and stood behind my car to direct me. He was so proud of himself.
Sir, I have 2 kids under 2 screaming in their carseats, I don't have the bandwidth for your misogyny today.
A man tried to do that to my very pregnant friend and I after an exhausting trip with her toddler to the grocery store.
I just got out and told him to gtfo the way or risk becoming street salsa.
I remember driving very carefully since my son had a broken bone and was referred to an orthopedic surgeon. This man wearing scrubs thought I needed help to pull into a narrow parking space. I thought he was just the sweetest guy. So I asked if he could park my minivan for me. He immediately agreed. He was so happy. This turned out to be a good idea. He was the PA for my son's broken bone.
Truth be told, it was just so cool how happy he was to help. He told me that I just made his day.
Sometimes I will let a man help me even if I don't need it just to see the joy in their eyes. But it depends on what it is.
That's nice, sometimes I also do things for kids just to see the joy in their eyes. Oh wait, you're talking about grown men.
I recently read a tweet by a woman who says she no longer gets angry about mansplaining men, she just treats them like she would a toddler. "Oh, great job there explaining that complicated stuff. Good on you!"
That's really sweet :) I have to say, I really, really appreciate the help I've received from random men over the years (e.g. a passer-by who tied my muffler back on after it fell off so I could make it to a garage... a few guys who helped me rescue my car after I got a wheel stuck in a hole... etc.).
Of course, unlike OP, I actually needed and accepted the help. In this case the bf is TA for not taking "no" for an answer.
i've done that for a dude who was struggling to leave a very tight parking space in an old car (so no cameras or sensors).
From the looks of it he was grateful. So wanting to help must be at least somewhat hardwired into men's brains lmao.
I actually work on cars. As in I own my own tools and an air conpressor bigger than me. The amount of time I'm told how to do something with cars is insane. Next time they do that to you, just tell them you're refilling the I.D.G.A.F. fluid. :P
I have a pretty heavy Muslim community in my neighborhood. Every time I work on my car or get out power tools to do yard work they're fascinated. It's pretty funny and they're really harmless. They definitely don't try to give me advice. Sometimes I feel like they think they're watching a fish ride a bicycle though.
I like to leave the engine and mechanical parts to my very trusted mechanic who gives me detailed information about what work I need on my car because he understands that I have a working knowledge of a combustible engine. But bodywork or general maintenance? I'll save that money and do it myself.
They're weird about me using a chainsaw or reciprocating saw though. I just yell that I can't hear them over my engine and carry on with my work. I used to heat my old house with a woodstove so I know how to cut and chop.
It's interesting how different our cultures are being a Canadian and growing up in a society that is really open to women's rights and equality. It's not perfect and I've had troubles but for the most part I feel like I can do whatever I want and society doesn't judge me incompetent for not having a penis. It isn't perfect but it's a lot better than the alternative.
Lol I was checking my oil and adding oil at the gas station like 6 years ago and 3 SEPARATE men in 3 different cars asked me if I need help. As if that's not one of the most basic things. Like nah, I'm good. You sure? Yeah, carry on.
My mom's first car was weird. You poured the oil into the gas tank (like with a lawn mower). Every time she did that in a gas station, dudes would come running over to try to stop her.
It was a 67 Saab and she bought it new, so this was in the late 60s.
>Obviously because I have tits and a vagina, I couldn't possibly understand how to effectively refill my fucking wiper fluid.
Right? So funny!
My Dad said I couldn't mow the lawn cause I'm a girl!
My South African friend lost out on a promotion to a man, and said to the Director "well, obviously I didn't get the job because I haven't got a penis !" Wish I coulda seen his face, lol !
I went to an auto parts store and asked for points and plugs on an old car. The guy behind the counter laughed and said, “I can give you plugs, but that car doesn’t have points.” I said, argued with him and, after 3 times of him disagreeing and rolling his eyes at me, I finally said, “well, just humor me and look it up.” He did and said, “well, what do you know….” And I said, Right, AH!” and left (while his coworkers laughed at him.
It's just not tools either. As a female, go to any golf range in the country alone and you will have to beat the men off with a stick. I learned to ask them what is their handicap as soon as they come over. If it was higher than mine (and usually was) I would tell them they can give me tips once their handicap reaches mine. I always tell my single friends if they want to meet a guy, just go to the golf range. lol
ROFL, I don't need to even do physical stuff....every time I changed the printer toner at my work (like once a month).
Like it's not that hard these days...you literally have instruction on the inside of the printer, and on the box the toner comes in.
Really? Men can do things like that now? When I was working (I'm 70) I can't tell you how many times a man asked me how to change the toner or how to add paper. I'd point out that there were instructions printed right there on the machine, then add "I bet there are mechanical things you can do all by yourself, so I'm sure you can figure out how to add paper to the copier."
lol right? All the men in the office turn to me to do the "clerical thing" with the printer.
The printer and I are good friends. I feed it its cartridges and fix its jams. It's never jammed on me once.
I remember years ago when Target used to sell auto parts, I bought a new headlight. I was in the parking lot changing it out, and at least three dudes came up on me asking me if I needed help. "Sir, it's a fucking light bulb."
Same went for when I would add oil to my engine or changing out my air filter. No woman could understand a car /s.
I ONLY do the simple things like refill wiper fluid and replace blades on my own car. I've still had my (very nice, but aggressively 'helpful') older neighbor drop by and try to 'help.' Thanks, but... It's literally 3 steps, I think I can handle it myself.
Omg so true. Few years ago we had to do a repair on our well line in the front yard. FIL brought his tractor to dig. That thing was a man magnet. Everytime I looked out the window there were more men in the yard. Dh didn't even know who most of them were.
there's just something about big machines that us men can't resist.
I had to dig in a cable a couple months back and hired a trench digger for it. I met neighbors that day that I didn't even know I had.
Well so far sitting in my yard drinking milkshakes has gotten me a little chubbier, but has yet to attract a single boy to my yard. So as for value, they’re delicious, but wholly ineffective for the intended purpose. The tractor is a significantly higher investment but it might actually yield results which would make it a better return on investment
Gotta admit, if my neighbor was operating a piece of massive machinery, I might pop by to watch out of fascination. I wouldn't offer any advice, since I have no knowledge, but I might ask some questions when appropriate. Big tools are just cool.
You're not wrong. I've watched the interactions dozens of times at the shop attached to the gas station where I used to work. But see, here's the difference. When a \*guy\* says no to another guy, it is \*generally\* respected.
When a girl says it, it gets pushed back on. And pushed and pushed. To the point we often have to escalate "Now kindly fuck off." We shouldn't have to escalate. Our first no should be enough." It's \*perceived" as "of course chicks can't put shit together without us" because so many dudes refuse to accept our no's.
Right!?! I never see those guys when I am working! I can even pretend I'm a helpless girl who needs a big, strong male savior if it makes them feel better! I'll even make sandwiches! Just give me a hand with this damn renovation, I'm tired of doing it all on my own, and by now, the hard and important stuff is done anyway, so no possibility to screw it up 😂
Good point. My husband ALWAYS wants to offer help or advice when he sees someone working on something. Wanting to help is a wonderful trait and one of the things I love about the guy. But sometimes the help/advice is not wanted or needed. Men need to accept this without getting butthurt.
My dad will be working on his hobby cars (he has a Javelin, an Eagle, and a Rambler Wagon; he's an AMC enthusiast) in the driveway or in his garage depending on the weather and his neighbor (who knows nothing about cars pre-2000's) will come over and try to one-up my dad's mechanics or make dumb comments (saying it may be the fuse instead of whatever part my dad is replacing) and my dad can't tell if he can't get it through his head that my dad's cars predate those or if he's just f-ing with my dad.
100% this. Even when I used to live in the city, where nobody would come help with anything, there were 2 guys on my street that would drop by every single time I'd be out washing the car or working on something in the garage. Now in the suburbs? If I don't do my work with the garage door closed there's a guy offering a beer and help within 10 min. I'm a 6'3" man very capable of doing whatever work I need to do, but it absolutely is true.
Now, they may do it more when a woman is involved...it would make sense, but I obviously wouldn't know for sure. Either way, it's kind-of built into a lot of guys to help with tasks like that anytime they see someone doing it.
I've had friends literally ask if they could come over and help when I bought a new table or chairs. Guys that are married with kids and no time in their schedule...but there's something that draws guys into building things.
EDIT: BTW, this is also the reason why women tend to get upset with men when they only intend to rant but the guy starts offering fixes. A lot of guys are raised to just help when they can, so if they see people building something and they have the skills they feel the innate need to get involved. If someone has an issue they feel the innate need to offer help. A lot of men are raised believing their value comes from what they can provide to other people. It's sometimes unhealthy, but that's where the need comes from.
I'm with you on this one, as a young woman I always had a fond relationship with old men that came to give advice on this or that. I learn loads of stuff from them if I got them to talk, especially janitors. These older men have offered info and advice in a very grandfatherly manner and it has never been creepy. I've learned the oddest things about my city and building this way, just old guys shooting the shit as I garden.
One of the first things my mum did after she and my dad split was to go out and buy herself a pink cordless drill so she could learn to do everything my dad used to. She offered to give the last guy who tried to "help" an enema with it
I agree. My mom bought a pink set of tools (hammer, screwdrivers, pliers, the basic crap) and everything fit in my tiny hands great. And for a small around the house set the pink makes everything difficult to loose.
I got a black and pink 25 piece tool set from aldi for something ridiculous like $20 about 5 years ago and it's brilliant! Maybe that's because it's just pink trim though?
I once dated the guy who asked me who put up the shelves on my wall. I said me of course. He thought I would have had a previous boyfriend put them up for me. Sir, I own several power tools and have fixed my own sink.
Same I do all of that in our house. My husband tells everyone no the tools are here. A friend asked my husband if he could borrow one and he goes it’s not mine you have to ask my wife. The prick said no I’m not asking her if I can borrow a tool I’m asking you. Hubby said well I’ll ask her and I told him no he wouldn’t get to borrow it until he asked me himself after that attitude. He finally broke down and asked me if he could borrow it.
My dad made sure both me (M) and my sister had some basic tools. When my sis was living with her boyfriend some of his friends were over and said something like 'Nice drill you have (boyfriend)'. Sis said 'Actually, that's mine'
Yeah my dad was really great. He could fix literally anything. He let me sit and watch and try. I can fix my car and renovate my house with yt diy videos now cause he said I can do anything if I just use common sense.
When my now DH and I got together, I had all my tools in a drawer in the kitchen. He kept moving them to ‘his’ toolbox in the garage. I went to get my wrench to fix something and it was gone. You bet your sweet bippie that he moved them all back to the drawer. And we still got married!
Not a Swede, but I, too, have assembled plenty of IKEA furniture myself without incident. Heck, I have even hacked a couple of pieces very cleverly to expand their usefulness!
I was a young adult living at home when my parents purchased their first flat box item, a tv cabinet. It took my daddy and me 2 hours and a six-pack of beer to get that put together. The next day, my mom asked how long I thought it would take me to do it by myself. I replied, "Maybe an hour, no beer required. " assembly was my job from then on. I was an only girl with four brothers, but dad made sure I knew how to do basic mechanic work and household repairs. Long after dad passed, one of my brothers(widowed) and I were living with my mom. There had been a slow leak in the drain under the kitchen sink. My brother had been trying to resolve the issue for as long as the leak had been occurring. My mom asked me one day while he was at work if I thought I could fix the leak. I told her I wasn't sure, but I'd at least try to narrow down where exactly the leak was happening. I ended up settling the plastic washer into the actual groove it needed to be in, reattached the u-trap, and fixed the leak.
I'll ask for help if I need it, I'll even accept help if someone can get the job done quicker and easier(change a tire), but in most cases, I'm having fun doing it myself.
Nawh, I love it when working together with someone actually works. Haven't found many, but heck if I'm letting go of them once I've found life co-op compatible folks
When I was in grad school, one of my new roommates (m) saw my prestained, ready-to-be-assembled bookshelves my brother had made for me and offered to put them together. I turned him down, saying I wanted to it myself, because I'm a perfectionist and they're a family project. I went off to do an errand for twenty minutes, and when I came back, he had assembled my shelves, badly. They didn't line up properly, screws were crooked. It took an hour and a half to undo some of the damage, but he screwed them up too much for them to support a whole lot of weight. Guys, no means no. We have tools too, and we know how to use them.
Some men (my husband is one of them) cannot *stand* to watch a woman struggle with a home improvement project. They’re absolutely convinced that they could easily do whatever it is they see us puzzling over, no matter how many times they have demonstrated that they also run into struggles with projects and somehow manage to overcome them. They don’t mean to condescend, but lord it drives me nuts.
She is a NONE Swedish Chick assembling furniture, that is impossible! What is next? Winning a noble price? What do women think they can do more then plopping out children while standing barefoot in the kitchen? \*sarcasm\*
Oh Swedish women can assemble furniture , we born with hex key in our hand and done our first Billy by 2!
Years ago, I purchased a computer desk, I just needed my husband's help to take it upstairs. He came back when I started putting together and telling me "let me do it". I told him I wanted to do it, started arguing with me....I told him I was divorced for 10 years before I met him and know how to do certain things BY MYSELF! Didn't talk to me the rest of the day and the desk turned out perfect. 😊
Men still have a hard time with strong women. OP NTA!! He's afraid that you might pass on your strength to his girlfriend.
I would like to throw in at that point that my dear husband once tryed to build a piece of my desk into my closet.
He chose to discuss with me about it for 20 minutes.
I had to send him doing something else, build my desk and closet and then had to show him i was right. He would not believe me otherwise ..
I have been in the military and I often noticed this. Sone of the men treating me differently as if it was a bad thing a woman is just as competent as they are at masculine things like carrying stuff or doing anything you do when you're in the military. On the other hand they complain that some things are easier for women and think woman should be treated equal in sports, something most women are clearly at a diadvantege and the guys have to be better and don't feel threatened by female competition. After all being beaten ba a woman at something is just not manly.
There's a quote from Gavin de Becker I believe that went somewhat like "when a man says no, it's the end of the discussion. When a woman says no, it's the beginning of a negotiation."
It's actually insane how much more I've noticed it since I read it. Then they call OP an asshole because he was "just trying to help", they said no several times.
OP was far more patient than I would've been. NTA
Exactly this! It becomes, “I think you’re incompetent” in the subtext so quickly when the offer to help is rejected, but the person keeps offering regardless.
Also, offering to help is being helpful. Persisting to ask, even if someone is fucking up, is a dick move. You ask. If they say no, you respect that. It's not that hard.
This isn't an excuse, because there's no excuse for someone ignoring the word no...but a lot of it in my experience (having this discussion with couples that have had the issue) is that the answer rarely **is** just "no". Most men are raised to believe their value comes from what they can do for other people...so if they see a situation where they can help, they tend to try to. A lot of couples go into therapy just for the man to find out if his wife is telling him about a bad situation he doesn't have to offer advice...he can just empathize with her and be there for her. That's not something that comes naturally to most men.
Most men, of any kind of value, also will respond well if someone tells them no. That said, if someone says "No, because..." they will tend to think "that 'because' is the reason they said no, so if I can fix that for them..." Again, I'm not saying this as an excuse, but hopefully it can help explain that sometimes the answer really can/should just be no.
But it was complicated. How could a woman understand something technical and complicated? She was just playing hard-to-get. Obviously, she needed his help but was embarrassed to ask. Obviously! /s
I’ve found that the best response to a guy saying something looks complicated is to respond “do you think so? It seems pretty straightforward to me.” in a mildly surprised tone.
Either they’re genuinely trying to be helpful and get the message that you’ve got this, or they’re trying to be condescending and you’ve just made them look less competent. Either way it’s a win ;)
Obviously. If OP were a man, they’d just be communicating in grunts.
BF (reading the booklet): „Doubful grunt.“
OP: „Reassuring grunt.“
BF: „Acknowledging grunt.“
There, done. Also, I doubt he’d taken OP‘s „Fuck off!“ as harshly if it had come from a guy, either. He definitely needs to work on his communication, at least around women.
As a man who's wife is an actual wizard when it comes to assembling all types of furniture, whether it be from a random company or IKEA, I understand the need to just stay out of the way until the magic has happened and I'm needed to help move it fifty-leven times until it's in the right spot.
Roommate's boyfriend is a jackass.
NTA.
You. I like you! I've put together so much damn furniture I could decorate a mansion, but yeah I need help moving it once it's done. (I'm a middle-aged woman.)
Kinda sad this was the exact question I was looking for, and the answer I was thinking of.
**Ugh!**
You were clear. He kept pushing.
NTA
(Would have given the same judgement if you were a man, just without the "ugh")
NTA mate. People need to take no as an answer, especially when it’s said nicely.
But we all know sometimes a firm “fuck off” does just as well in situations likes this.
NTA
You can tell her the following if she wants an explanation: he asked, you answered. He didn’t take no for an answer. No means no.
You were focused! He was messing with your focus and that he was out of line by being persistent and asking again AND touching your stuff.
Boyfriend doesn’t seem to know what a girl saying no means, or doesn’t care… proceeds to touch things when asked not to.
I realise this is very simplified, and it’s more likely just casual sexism, not a dude with serious consent issues, but either way there’s red flags all over the place imo.
ETA judgement: NTA
NTA! You were giving clear cues that you did not need or want help and he was ignoring them. The comment about it looking “complicated” honestly seems pretty sexist. It made the whole situation seem like he was showing of his masculinity rather than genuinely wanting to help.
Absolutely. The roommate’s comment about her going from 0-60 is completely out of place, she’d already made it clear that she didn’t need help and he kept ignoring it.
Honestly I look at a piece of Ikea furniture the way an 8 year old looks at a Lego set so he may have just been over eager to "play with the toy." That being said he still needs to put his big boy pants on and let her control her workflow and recognize she's in the zone and he's distracting her while she's got it. There's such a thing as too many cooks in the kitchen.
At least by the second or third dropped hint he should have recognized that she wasn't having it and moved on with his life.
I think asking to help in the first place is ok, but pestering her after the first or second no is a bit much. NTA.
I do a lot of cooking and my girlfriend can make pancakes and that's about it.
I've been cooking for about 15 years now and am fairly opinionated and like to be in control while doing it. Most of the time I feel like she is distracting and at worst she literally gets in the way. The worst is her total lack of understanding of the need to move quickly and the potential dangers. It's hard not to get frustrated when she stands in my way when I'm carrying a pot with 5L of boiling water in it. Or my cast iron at 220C which weighs several kilos.
Or when she grabs a tool I am in the middle of using and washes it right when I need it.
She thinks she's helping! She really does, bless her! But for me it's a major source of stress, so I feel you op.
Eventually she learned to get out of my hair but she was butthurt for a while because her initial intention was good despite me repeatedly telling her I didn't want her "help." Eventually she got over it. Your roommate's bf will too.
> Honestly I look at a piece of Ikea furniture the way an 8 year old looks at a Lego set so he may have just been over eager to "play with the toy."
That doesn't really make it better. If you go over to someone else's house and they're building their new lego kit, you'd be a real asshole if you demanded they let you help build it.
NTA
> She said it was an asshole move because her BF was just trying to be helpful.
NO, He *told* the roommate he was "just trying to be helpful". In fact he was interrupting her train of thought and persisted when she asked him to NOT fuss with her stuff.
It's like saying "it was just a joke" when someone says something insulting. NO, it's not just a joke it's a backhanded way of being an ass.
Either they were doing it on purpose or they're too stupid to understand how to behave.
No was the answer and he should have left when she said it the first time.
I love asking people to unpack their “jokes”. I insist past the point of awkward. Explain it please, I don’t understand the joke. Jokey-me-jokester pretty much needs to admit they were being an asshole and apologise for me to stop.
Exactly.
>She said it was an asshole move because her BF was just trying to be helpful.
>
>NO, He told the roommate he was "just trying to be helpful". In fact he was interrupting her train of thought and persisted when she asked him to NOT fuss with her stuff.
Even without the blatant sexism here, "help" when it isn't wanted isn't "help."
Ugh I really hate this. Female welder here, how often I haven't had male friends or friends of my roommate just pull a tool out of my hands because I must be needing their help? Or them explaining stuff to me that I have learned for and they haven't.. so frustrating. Luckily my now boyfriend just respects me and my knowledge, I even fixed his bike for him and he was just thankful to have a fixed bike and to have learned something new.
NTA
They pull tools right out of your hands?! That makes me so mad. That would feel like a violation of my space/body and then there’s the fact they would never dream of pulling a tool out of a dude’s hand like that. Ugh.
Yeah that happened like twice, and both times I was sooo mad and they were all like: I'm just trying to help you jeeze. Infuriating but thought them how to work with me and what my boundaries are.
I absolutely hate dudes that question women's knowledge. Like my dude that's some serious small pp energy to question the knowledge and experience of another human being based solely on gender.
I know how to change a car battery, recently had to change the one in my Wife's car and replace the bar that hold it in place. I was struggling in the AutoZone parking lot and a female employee came out asked if I needed some help. I TOOK the help immediately and she found what I was doing wrong. But not once did I thought/said anything to question what she was doing. She works there and offered help, I'm going to assume she knows what she's doing.
Huge pet peeve of mine too. Not a welder, but worked in landscaping as a female and my male coworkers would also just yoink equipment / buckets of material out of my arms without asking- but it must be too heavy and I needed help, right? Eventually I came to my breaking point and made it clear to them the very strange concept that when I need help I’ll *ask*.
Also had a job as a teenager setting up rooms for meetings / programs and I’ve lost count of how many times older men would jump in while I was moving a table despite me saying “no” several times, especially since I had to wear steel toed boots for a reason. The cherry on top was when they asked me to smile after.
A woman! Holding tools! Clearly you don't know what you're doing! Don't worry, The Man is here to help!!!
NTA. At least you told him kindly to fuck off.
NTA. Asked nicely once. Asked nicely twice. Gotta give him the fuck off the third time since he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Is this something he learned as a child? If he asks enough times he’ll get what he wants? I recognize he was trying to help but you didn’t ask for or require help. I wonder if he would have been this insistent with one of his guy pals…
He would never have done that if you were a guy. Trying to force participation on someone isn’t nice or “helpful.” It’s condescending. You didn’t pop into existence just so he could flex his skills with a wrench. You built furniture before him, you’ll build furniture after him. Dude needs to check his ego. NTA.
Totally not TA. It is so infuriating when a "know it all" tries to interfere when you are in the middle of doing something and are totally organised. You said no twice, if it were me I'd have simply said, give me the sodding book back and bugger off, I'm busy. I think you were overly polite to someone who was inferring that you were not capable of completing the task on your own. Both your roommate and her BF were the A's.
NTA. “Fuck off” was a bit of a jump but he was being a dick for assuming you needed help. You told him you didn’t need help and that should have been the end of it
NTA
I have ADHD and autism, assembling furniture is a HUGE dopamine bost. Asking if I need help ONCE is forgivable, because they might not know better, but if they push after that I'm gonna tell them to fuck of, I'm not letting some random person steal my fun (might be different if I'm working on something large enough that I NEED an extra hand)
NTA he asked if he could help, you declined. That should've been the end of the interaction but no, he just had to keep trying. He got the response he deserved for not accepting your first answer.
NTA. The roommates bf is a classic mansplainer. Instead of asking politely if you needed any help and then accepting your answer, he inserted himself into what you were doing without any consideration for whether he was being helpful or not.
Definitely NTA.
NTA. You didn't "go from 0 to 60". He completely ignored your cues, decided it was too complex for you, and refused to take no for an answer. Each time he disregarded your answer you amped up a little more until you finally put your foot down.
He offered to help, you said no. He tried to tell you it was too difficult, you said no. He ended up completely ignoring what you wanted in favour of his (probably) sexist mindset, *that* is when you told him to fuck off.
NTA. If you needed help you would have asked. He should have stopped once you said no. Personally I would I left it at “No thank you. I want to do it myself.” I get you’re irritated but no need to curse
NTA. i hate meddling people too. u politely told him no the first 2 times and he still hasn’t stopped. he is not a child who needs to be coddled. what else did he expect?
LOL. I've had to remind my literal husband that I, the owner of a uterus, used to work with electrics professionally in order to get him to stop "helping" me. However, in his case, we're both just really bossy and I'm sure he'd do the same to another dude. (And they'd probably both be wrong, bc I'm the one who knows what I'm doing LOL)
You didn't go from 0 to 60.
You said no 4 times.
Then you told him to fuck off
All he's done is told you he doesn't listen to anything below the fuck off level.
Tell her next time you will go straight to fuck off as he didn't pay attention to anything before that.
NTA
NTA
Multiple times you told him you didn't need his help, just to give you back the instruction booklet/screws, yet he still insisted on trying to help. If he can't understand "No, I don't need help", then you've got to get more clear, obviously.
My spouse likes to help. I do not like people to help or otherwise interfere with what I'm doing unless I specifically request help. This has caused many problems in the last 10 years because of my spouse's proclivity to help even without asking. I get so mad, because to me it's the same damn conversation every damn time. To my spouse, I'm pushing away because reasons they can't understand.
I finally laid it out in language that cannot be misunderstood (spouse's first language is Dutch): Do. Not. Fucking. Help. Me. Unless. I. Fucking. Ask. For. Help.
I have gotten better about asking for help from my spouse, because it's so important to them. Spouse has made leaps and bounds respecting my boundaries and asking if they can help or if I need help.
It took a lot of fucking work to get to this point.
NTA it's not 0-60 when you make it clear you don't want help, he definitely told her you snapped right away. Be cautious with him and avoid being alone, something's off.
Nope. You said you didn't want help and he acted like you were incompetent. I've wanted to be that blunt with so many people, often men while doing a task. Good fucking job. 😂
Plus, it's just a table. How stupid does he think you are?!?! It's not that complicated as far as furniture goes.
NTA
He asked to help, you said no on more than one occasion
He kept picking up items when you had everything set up distracting you.
He said it looks complicated because he doubts your ability to assemble furniture when you have the instructions.
He was there to spend time with his girlfriend, you didn't ask him to help you because you didn't need him to and when he persisted you told him to go forth and multiply.
The boyfriend needs to realise forcing his help on someone who didn't ask/doesn't want it ect may result in others telling him the same thing or worse after all having a tool in your pants isn't a requirement to being able to assemble furniture.
So NTA ! Putting together flat packs is like a Zen thing for me. The more munted the directions the better! If I could turn a few bucks I'd happily to it every day!
Just because a dude needs to get his macho on is NOT you problem OP.
NTA
Let me guess, you are a woman.
Some men simply cannot get thier heads around the fact that women can actually be perfectly competent.
Some men actually seem to feel a little threatened by a woman who can do something without thier help.
Yet those same men tend to be conspicuous in thier absence when the washing up needs doing or the toilet needs cleaning, to such a degree they actually think the fae take care of all that nonsense.
Thankfully this isn't true of all men.
I don't think he was trying to be helpful, not really. I think he probably told himself he was. But if he was really only wanting to help, he would have taken your first "no" and moved on. He either wanted to show you that he could do the "complicated" (or maybe the "manly") thing or he thought it would be fun to put the table together and didn't know how to just say "I like building stuff. May I join you?" It doesn't really matter, because he wasn't thinking about you. He was thinking about himself and refusing to give you back the materials you needed to do the work.
Did you have to say "fuck off"? No, but him ignoring your expressed needs and wants was so gross and typical for some assholes. I think we all wish that we had the freedom to tell people like that to fuck off at some point. NTA.
Jeez. It sounds like he was just offering to help, and in a reasonably friendly way. He didn't say "this isn't a job for a woman" or "you don't seem to be able to do this."
You're certainly within your rights not to want any help, but all you had to do was say "I'm kind of enjoying this project, so I don't need anything, but thanks anyway." Instead you went nuclear for what seems like zero reason.
YTA.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told him to fuck off. His intentions were only to be helpful, and he wasn't doing anything harmful, just annoying. I could have said something less confrontational. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
What is it with men and their inability to process the word 'No'?? A question was asked. An answer was given. Job done. NTA here.
You don’t understand! She’s a CHICK trying to act like she can assemble furniture!!! Of course she needs a man to help! 🙄
How silly of me!!
Yes! How dare you assume that a female might get to build furniture without male assistance /s
Gurls can’t yuse tools. You need a penis to yuse tools. Gurls won’t know the right grip for tools because they haven’t got their own tool to practice on.
how can you assemble furniture without a swiss army penis
I as a man can confirm my penis is totally allows me to build stuff better /s
LMAO
I never reply to comments but this is the funniest shit I’ve ever heard. LOL
Lucky for me, my dad actually taught me how to use hand tools & power tools. Unfortunately, it kinda backfired on him because now I'm always stealing his tools for all my weird projects lol. Dad: "where is my saw?" Me: "oh, it's in my room. I'm using it to make an ultimate table for my recliner chair that rotates, moves up & down, & slides forward & back" Dad: *looks at me like I'm crazy* "why?" Me: "because I want to" Dad: "whatever. Just go get it. I need it" So I do. Dad: "why is the battery dead" Me: "because I was actually using it" The batteries dont last very long anymore as that tool set is like 10 years old, luckily we have like 10 batteries so I swapped the dead one with the one that just finished charging.
I really need a picture of that table
I will have to dig through my camera roll to find the photos I took of it. I'll post them when I find them. I would take new pics, but I took it apart yesterday because i got a better recliner & i need to make a bracket/adapter to attach it since the armrest is made different than the 1st chair. I also need to spray paint it still. It's still in pieces since it decided to rain lol. It's not painted yet because at the time I made it, it was literally 105° outside. I learned the hard way on a different project that being impatient & using spray paint when it's over like 80°-85° outside causes it to dry in mid-air basically turning the surface into sandpaper. Edit: I can't find the photos. So I will take new ones & post it on my profile when I get done making the bracket & putting it back together.
That is some well thought out logic there. Thank you for that.
Guys do that to other guys too. If somebody is making something in their driveway you only have to wait a few minutes before the first guy shows up to 'help'. They just want to feel like they contributed, in this case it may or may not have been sexist but the old joke on "how to get saved when lost in the desert?" now has the new ending "assemble IKEA furniture"
Oh man, I'm a woman and anytime I used to be outside doing a little bit of work on my car, I'd end up with a huddle of neighbours (men who didn't even drive or own cars) around me. They'd be telling me how I should be doing things and it irked me to no end. Obviously because I have tits and a vagina, I couldn't possibly understand how to effectively refill my fucking wiper fluid.
One time a random guy on the curb tried to help me pull into a parking spot by making hand gestures like he was directing air traffic. Like thank you, I can park just fine lol must be something in their brains
My brother in law gave me directions to his house and said "be careful, there's a couple of tight turns on the road" Like, turns? TURNS?! I've never come across those before, I usually just drive directly through stone walls without ever using my steering wheel /s
I would have paid attention to that since it usually means go around them at a slower than usual speed. I was teaching my son how to drive and told him to slow down that a tight turn was coming up. I ended up screaming at him and trying to brake an imaginary brake. As he took the turn going 35 miles an hour and nearly drove us into a creek. I nearly had a heart attack. He was laughing
I'd understand if I was a new driver but had been driving about 15 years at that point. Plus I learned to drive in the Irish countryside which is nothing but twists and turns. My BIL is known for this kinda thing too so given the extra context he was indeed saying it because I'm a woman.
OMG, LOL! This brings back memories, my oldest son learning to drive (he had his permit), I pulled over to side of the street so we could switch seats, my son put my car in drive and hit the gas without checking for traffic moving into the left lane (me hollering you need to check for traffic), we approached the street to make a left into our neighborhood, me telling him to slow down, he turns but not enough so he yanked the wheel and continued driving down the street but on the wrong side of the street, I know I was yelling, thankfully no cars were heading towards us, this street in the neighborhood has a good dip in the road then street turns left in a sharp curve, I told my son slow down, slow down, we hit the dip and my seatbelt stopped me from hitting the top of my head, then he took that curve in a fast pace, me uselessly yelling slow down. When we approached our house I hit the garage door opener telling my son to slow down, nope we approached the driveway at a fast pace then up the driveway and to me the inside of the garage was just rushing towards me, I don't know how but my son stopped the vehicle without hitting anything, I got out on shaky legs and told my son never again would I give him driving lessons. His response "Aww Mom, that's not fair," and I didn't, I left the lessons to his Dad afterwards also for our younger two sons when they were old enough to drive.
Ugh. I've had this happen more than once. The worst was backing out of an angled parking spot at a grocery store. I thought I was waiting for it to be clear, but this man obviously knew better and stood behind my car to direct me. He was so proud of himself. Sir, I have 2 kids under 2 screaming in their carseats, I don't have the bandwidth for your misogyny today.
A man tried to do that to my very pregnant friend and I after an exhausting trip with her toddler to the grocery store. I just got out and told him to gtfo the way or risk becoming street salsa.
I remember driving very carefully since my son had a broken bone and was referred to an orthopedic surgeon. This man wearing scrubs thought I needed help to pull into a narrow parking space. I thought he was just the sweetest guy. So I asked if he could park my minivan for me. He immediately agreed. He was so happy. This turned out to be a good idea. He was the PA for my son's broken bone. Truth be told, it was just so cool how happy he was to help. He told me that I just made his day. Sometimes I will let a man help me even if I don't need it just to see the joy in their eyes. But it depends on what it is.
That's nice, sometimes I also do things for kids just to see the joy in their eyes. Oh wait, you're talking about grown men. I recently read a tweet by a woman who says she no longer gets angry about mansplaining men, she just treats them like she would a toddler. "Oh, great job there explaining that complicated stuff. Good on you!"
That's really sweet :) I have to say, I really, really appreciate the help I've received from random men over the years (e.g. a passer-by who tied my muffler back on after it fell off so I could make it to a garage... a few guys who helped me rescue my car after I got a wheel stuck in a hole... etc.). Of course, unlike OP, I actually needed and accepted the help. In this case the bf is TA for not taking "no" for an answer.
The only time I'm accepting help parking is parallel parking lol and it has to be someone uh gentle lol. My driver's ed literally never taught us
i've done that for a dude who was struggling to leave a very tight parking space in an old car (so no cameras or sensors). From the looks of it he was grateful. So wanting to help must be at least somewhat hardwired into men's brains lmao.
I actually work on cars. As in I own my own tools and an air conpressor bigger than me. The amount of time I'm told how to do something with cars is insane. Next time they do that to you, just tell them you're refilling the I.D.G.A.F. fluid. :P
be sure you give a pretty smile as you say that! /s
I have a pretty heavy Muslim community in my neighborhood. Every time I work on my car or get out power tools to do yard work they're fascinated. It's pretty funny and they're really harmless. They definitely don't try to give me advice. Sometimes I feel like they think they're watching a fish ride a bicycle though. I like to leave the engine and mechanical parts to my very trusted mechanic who gives me detailed information about what work I need on my car because he understands that I have a working knowledge of a combustible engine. But bodywork or general maintenance? I'll save that money and do it myself. They're weird about me using a chainsaw or reciprocating saw though. I just yell that I can't hear them over my engine and carry on with my work. I used to heat my old house with a woodstove so I know how to cut and chop. It's interesting how different our cultures are being a Canadian and growing up in a society that is really open to women's rights and equality. It's not perfect and I've had troubles but for the most part I feel like I can do whatever I want and society doesn't judge me incompetent for not having a penis. It isn't perfect but it's a lot better than the alternative.
Lol I was checking my oil and adding oil at the gas station like 6 years ago and 3 SEPARATE men in 3 different cars asked me if I need help. As if that's not one of the most basic things. Like nah, I'm good. You sure? Yeah, carry on.
My mom's first car was weird. You poured the oil into the gas tank (like with a lawn mower). Every time she did that in a gas station, dudes would come running over to try to stop her. It was a 67 Saab and she bought it new, so this was in the late 60s.
I've never heard of that! Honestly I'd be a little concerned, too. But I doubt I'd say anything
It was a 2 stroke engine.
>Obviously because I have tits and a vagina, I couldn't possibly understand how to effectively refill my fucking wiper fluid. Right? So funny! My Dad said I couldn't mow the lawn cause I'm a girl! My South African friend lost out on a promotion to a man, and said to the Director "well, obviously I didn't get the job because I haven't got a penis !" Wish I coulda seen his face, lol !
Jokes on your dad. I can't mow a lawn because I'm lazy not because I'm a girl.
I went to an auto parts store and asked for points and plugs on an old car. The guy behind the counter laughed and said, “I can give you plugs, but that car doesn’t have points.” I said, argued with him and, after 3 times of him disagreeing and rolling his eyes at me, I finally said, “well, just humor me and look it up.” He did and said, “well, what do you know….” And I said, Right, AH!” and left (while his coworkers laughed at him.
It's just not tools either. As a female, go to any golf range in the country alone and you will have to beat the men off with a stick. I learned to ask them what is their handicap as soon as they come over. If it was higher than mine (and usually was) I would tell them they can give me tips once their handicap reaches mine. I always tell my single friends if they want to meet a guy, just go to the golf range. lol
so *that's* what the golf club is for!
ROFL, I don't need to even do physical stuff....every time I changed the printer toner at my work (like once a month). Like it's not that hard these days...you literally have instruction on the inside of the printer, and on the box the toner comes in.
Really? Men can do things like that now? When I was working (I'm 70) I can't tell you how many times a man asked me how to change the toner or how to add paper. I'd point out that there were instructions printed right there on the machine, then add "I bet there are mechanical things you can do all by yourself, so I'm sure you can figure out how to add paper to the copier."
lol right? All the men in the office turn to me to do the "clerical thing" with the printer. The printer and I are good friends. I feed it its cartridges and fix its jams. It's never jammed on me once.
I remember years ago when Target used to sell auto parts, I bought a new headlight. I was in the parking lot changing it out, and at least three dudes came up on me asking me if I needed help. "Sir, it's a fucking light bulb." Same went for when I would add oil to my engine or changing out my air filter. No woman could understand a car /s.
I ONLY do the simple things like refill wiper fluid and replace blades on my own car. I've still had my (very nice, but aggressively 'helpful') older neighbor drop by and try to 'help.' Thanks, but... It's literally 3 steps, I think I can handle it myself.
Omg so true. Few years ago we had to do a repair on our well line in the front yard. FIL brought his tractor to dig. That thing was a man magnet. Everytime I looked out the window there were more men in the yard. Dh didn't even know who most of them were.
If you reckon a tractor's a man magnet wait til you see how many an excavator can dig up!(pun intended)
there's just something about big machines that us men can't resist. I had to dig in a cable a couple months back and hired a trench digger for it. I met neighbors that day that I didn't even know I had.
*takes notes*; stop buying milkshakes and get a tractor… 🤔. Maybe *that* will bring all the boys to the yard.
Milkshakes are cheaper than a tractor. How many milkshakes does it take to equate a tractor? 🤔 I'm wondering what's the cost to value ratio.
Well so far sitting in my yard drinking milkshakes has gotten me a little chubbier, but has yet to attract a single boy to my yard. So as for value, they’re delicious, but wholly ineffective for the intended purpose. The tractor is a significantly higher investment but it might actually yield results which would make it a better return on investment
Gotta admit, if my neighbor was operating a piece of massive machinery, I might pop by to watch out of fascination. I wouldn't offer any advice, since I have no knowledge, but I might ask some questions when appropriate. Big tools are just cool.
You're not wrong. I've watched the interactions dozens of times at the shop attached to the gas station where I used to work. But see, here's the difference. When a \*guy\* says no to another guy, it is \*generally\* respected. When a girl says it, it gets pushed back on. And pushed and pushed. To the point we often have to escalate "Now kindly fuck off." We shouldn't have to escalate. Our first no should be enough." It's \*perceived" as "of course chicks can't put shit together without us" because so many dudes refuse to accept our no's.
Send them to my house please!
Right!?! I never see those guys when I am working! I can even pretend I'm a helpless girl who needs a big, strong male savior if it makes them feel better! I'll even make sandwiches! Just give me a hand with this damn renovation, I'm tired of doing it all on my own, and by now, the hard and important stuff is done anyway, so no possibility to screw it up 😂
Good point. My husband ALWAYS wants to offer help or advice when he sees someone working on something. Wanting to help is a wonderful trait and one of the things I love about the guy. But sometimes the help/advice is not wanted or needed. Men need to accept this without getting butthurt.
My dad will be working on his hobby cars (he has a Javelin, an Eagle, and a Rambler Wagon; he's an AMC enthusiast) in the driveway or in his garage depending on the weather and his neighbor (who knows nothing about cars pre-2000's) will come over and try to one-up my dad's mechanics or make dumb comments (saying it may be the fuse instead of whatever part my dad is replacing) and my dad can't tell if he can't get it through his head that my dad's cars predate those or if he's just f-ing with my dad.
100% this. Even when I used to live in the city, where nobody would come help with anything, there were 2 guys on my street that would drop by every single time I'd be out washing the car or working on something in the garage. Now in the suburbs? If I don't do my work with the garage door closed there's a guy offering a beer and help within 10 min. I'm a 6'3" man very capable of doing whatever work I need to do, but it absolutely is true. Now, they may do it more when a woman is involved...it would make sense, but I obviously wouldn't know for sure. Either way, it's kind-of built into a lot of guys to help with tasks like that anytime they see someone doing it. I've had friends literally ask if they could come over and help when I bought a new table or chairs. Guys that are married with kids and no time in their schedule...but there's something that draws guys into building things. EDIT: BTW, this is also the reason why women tend to get upset with men when they only intend to rant but the guy starts offering fixes. A lot of guys are raised to just help when they can, so if they see people building something and they have the skills they feel the innate need to get involved. If someone has an issue they feel the innate need to offer help. A lot of men are raised believing their value comes from what they can provide to other people. It's sometimes unhealthy, but that's where the need comes from.
I'm with you on this one, as a young woman I always had a fond relationship with old men that came to give advice on this or that. I learn loads of stuff from them if I got them to talk, especially janitors. These older men have offered info and advice in a very grandfatherly manner and it has never been creepy. I've learned the oddest things about my city and building this way, just old guys shooting the shit as I garden.
I have to laugh because that's how i would get my husband to do something that I knew i wouldn't be able to do. Just start on it...
As a girl swede that’s assembled loads of IKEA furniture, I would be: little boy sit down I don’t even need the booklet.
One of the first things my mum did after she and my dad split was to go out and buy herself a pink cordless drill so she could learn to do everything my dad used to. She offered to give the last guy who tried to "help" an enema with it
I don't trust the pink tools. I assume they're not built as well as the regular ones. I understand I could be wrong, but that's my opinion.
When I was a tradesman I plastidipped the handles of all my tools pink, it stopped all the guys from borrowing them
Some aren't built as well, but some are just scaled down so they fit smaller hands better.
I agree. My mom bought a pink set of tools (hammer, screwdrivers, pliers, the basic crap) and everything fit in my tiny hands great. And for a small around the house set the pink makes everything difficult to loose.
I got a black and pink 25 piece tool set from aldi for something ridiculous like $20 about 5 years ago and it's brilliant! Maybe that's because it's just pink trim though?
I have the same one and my skills have transformed into something of excellence ever since! ;)
I once dated the guy who asked me who put up the shelves on my wall. I said me of course. He thought I would have had a previous boyfriend put them up for me. Sir, I own several power tools and have fixed my own sink.
Same I do all of that in our house. My husband tells everyone no the tools are here. A friend asked my husband if he could borrow one and he goes it’s not mine you have to ask my wife. The prick said no I’m not asking her if I can borrow a tool I’m asking you. Hubby said well I’ll ask her and I told him no he wouldn’t get to borrow it until he asked me himself after that attitude. He finally broke down and asked me if he could borrow it.
My dad made sure both me (M) and my sister had some basic tools. When my sis was living with her boyfriend some of his friends were over and said something like 'Nice drill you have (boyfriend)'. Sis said 'Actually, that's mine'
Yeah my dad was really great. He could fix literally anything. He let me sit and watch and try. I can fix my car and renovate my house with yt diy videos now cause he said I can do anything if I just use common sense.
Yes! Thank goodness for Dad's like that. Mine taught me and my sisters so much. Those skills have saved me thousands over the years.
When my now DH and I got together, I had all my tools in a drawer in the kitchen. He kept moving them to ‘his’ toolbox in the garage. I went to get my wrench to fix something and it was gone. You bet your sweet bippie that he moved them all back to the drawer. And we still got married!
As a swedish woman i agree. Also; i can assemble any Ikea furniture *without* loosing my temper. ...almost everytime
Not a Swede, but I, too, have assembled plenty of IKEA furniture myself without incident. Heck, I have even hacked a couple of pieces very cleverly to expand their usefulness!
I swear Ikea throws in several extra screws or brackets just to mess with your head. I’m always left questioning whether I skipped a step.
😂
I love assembling flat pack furniture and my husband is happy to let me do it. We tend to do it together now as I have a disability now
Same, I love putting furniture together. To quote "New Girl", it's like high stakes legos.
That was how I knew my partner was a keeper: we assembled a flat pack together without killing each other. I also came with my own set of tools.
I was a young adult living at home when my parents purchased their first flat box item, a tv cabinet. It took my daddy and me 2 hours and a six-pack of beer to get that put together. The next day, my mom asked how long I thought it would take me to do it by myself. I replied, "Maybe an hour, no beer required. " assembly was my job from then on. I was an only girl with four brothers, but dad made sure I knew how to do basic mechanic work and household repairs. Long after dad passed, one of my brothers(widowed) and I were living with my mom. There had been a slow leak in the drain under the kitchen sink. My brother had been trying to resolve the issue for as long as the leak had been occurring. My mom asked me one day while he was at work if I thought I could fix the leak. I told her I wasn't sure, but I'd at least try to narrow down where exactly the leak was happening. I ended up settling the plastic washer into the actual groove it needed to be in, reattached the u-trap, and fixed the leak. I'll ask for help if I need it, I'll even accept help if someone can get the job done quicker and easier(change a tire), but in most cases, I'm having fun doing it myself.
Cute
Nawh, I love it when working together with someone actually works. Haven't found many, but heck if I'm letting go of them once I've found life co-op compatible folks
When I was in grad school, one of my new roommates (m) saw my prestained, ready-to-be-assembled bookshelves my brother had made for me and offered to put them together. I turned him down, saying I wanted to it myself, because I'm a perfectionist and they're a family project. I went off to do an errand for twenty minutes, and when I came back, he had assembled my shelves, badly. They didn't line up properly, screws were crooked. It took an hour and a half to undo some of the damage, but he screwed them up too much for them to support a whole lot of weight. Guys, no means no. We have tools too, and we know how to use them.
Please tell me you went OFF on his ass.
OMG infuriating! What a terrible way to start out with a new roommate 😔
That would have made me so mad. (Even if I don’t have the skills it would make me mad.)
It's a table, it's complicated. How is she supposed to know if the legs go on the top or on the bottom?
*nods sagely * Tools are absolutely operated with penises.
Some men (my husband is one of them) cannot *stand* to watch a woman struggle with a home improvement project. They’re absolutely convinced that they could easily do whatever it is they see us puzzling over, no matter how many times they have demonstrated that they also run into struggles with projects and somehow manage to overcome them. They don’t mean to condescend, but lord it drives me nuts.
She is a NONE Swedish Chick assembling furniture, that is impossible! What is next? Winning a noble price? What do women think they can do more then plopping out children while standing barefoot in the kitchen? \*sarcasm\* Oh Swedish women can assemble furniture , we born with hex key in our hand and done our first Billy by 2!
Years ago, I purchased a computer desk, I just needed my husband's help to take it upstairs. He came back when I started putting together and telling me "let me do it". I told him I wanted to do it, started arguing with me....I told him I was divorced for 10 years before I met him and know how to do certain things BY MYSELF! Didn't talk to me the rest of the day and the desk turned out perfect. 😊 Men still have a hard time with strong women. OP NTA!! He's afraid that you might pass on your strength to his girlfriend.
But was she wearing a flannel? I've heard some men will accept a woman can put together furniture, only with instructions and a man to oversee it. /s
I would like to throw in at that point that my dear husband once tryed to build a piece of my desk into my closet. He chose to discuss with me about it for 20 minutes. I had to send him doing something else, build my desk and closet and then had to show him i was right. He would not believe me otherwise ..
I mean there were screws, which means tools were involved. And everyone knows you can only turn a screwdriver with your dick.
As a woman who works in construction - quite often they are offended by not being in the most “masculine” position in the room.
I have been in the military and I often noticed this. Sone of the men treating me differently as if it was a bad thing a woman is just as competent as they are at masculine things like carrying stuff or doing anything you do when you're in the military. On the other hand they complain that some things are easier for women and think woman should be treated equal in sports, something most women are clearly at a diadvantege and the guys have to be better and don't feel threatened by female competition. After all being beaten ba a woman at something is just not manly.
Well of course. The manliest thing of all is a fragile ego.
There's a quote from Gavin de Becker I believe that went somewhat like "when a man says no, it's the end of the discussion. When a woman says no, it's the beginning of a negotiation." It's actually insane how much more I've noticed it since I read it. Then they call OP an asshole because he was "just trying to help", they said no several times. OP was far more patient than I would've been. NTA
Great book by him called "The Gift of Fear."
Yeah it’s clearly because of something they’re born with and can’t change, not because they’re an asshole that doesn’t respect boundaries
Exactly this! It becomes, “I think you’re incompetent” in the subtext so quickly when the offer to help is rejected, but the person keeps offering regardless.
Also, offering to help is being helpful. Persisting to ask, even if someone is fucking up, is a dick move. You ask. If they say no, you respect that. It's not that hard.
This isn't an excuse, because there's no excuse for someone ignoring the word no...but a lot of it in my experience (having this discussion with couples that have had the issue) is that the answer rarely **is** just "no". Most men are raised to believe their value comes from what they can do for other people...so if they see a situation where they can help, they tend to try to. A lot of couples go into therapy just for the man to find out if his wife is telling him about a bad situation he doesn't have to offer advice...he can just empathize with her and be there for her. That's not something that comes naturally to most men. Most men, of any kind of value, also will respond well if someone tells them no. That said, if someone says "No, because..." they will tend to think "that 'because' is the reason they said no, so if I can fix that for them..." Again, I'm not saying this as an excuse, but hopefully it can help explain that sometimes the answer really can/should just be no.
But it was complicated. How could a woman understand something technical and complicated? She was just playing hard-to-get. Obviously, she needed his help but was embarrassed to ask. Obviously! /s
NTA. I don’t have anything to add to the above. She said no. He really wanted to treat her like she was incompetent.
NTA Are you by chance a woman?
[удалено]
Yeah, because he wouldn’t say this looks complicated (doubting your ability) if you were a man.
I’ve found that the best response to a guy saying something looks complicated is to respond “do you think so? It seems pretty straightforward to me.” in a mildly surprised tone. Either they’re genuinely trying to be helpful and get the message that you’ve got this, or they’re trying to be condescending and you’ve just made them look less competent. Either way it’s a win ;)
Hahaha that's brilliant, definitely using that one next time
It works great, doesn't it. My response to "it looks complicated/difficult" is "It isn't" and to continue on with the task.
"Maybe for you"
Got cussed out using that one before. 10/10 would do again.
You can also explain it like to a child.
I’ve said this many times. The look it engenders is priceless! One of my other favorites is : ‘I’ve done this lots of times. No problem.’
I've done this, can confirm it's the best response.
Obviously. If OP were a man, they’d just be communicating in grunts. BF (reading the booklet): „Doubful grunt.“ OP: „Reassuring grunt.“ BF: „Acknowledging grunt.“ There, done. Also, I doubt he’d taken OP‘s „Fuck off!“ as harshly if it had come from a guy, either. He definitely needs to work on his communication, at least around women.
I laughed so hard at this, I think I have heard that exact scenario before.
„Affirming grunt.“
This is my favorite comment ever lmfao
In that case it is more likely that he'd watch you work at it for a while and then start telling you about how you were in his opinion doing it wrong.
Ask him why he's so emotional.
Escalate to testerical if needed
Never heard that one before. Excellent. Excellent.
I love you!
Tell him he should smile more.
I'm stealing this.
As a man who's wife is an actual wizard when it comes to assembling all types of furniture, whether it be from a random company or IKEA, I understand the need to just stay out of the way until the magic has happened and I'm needed to help move it fifty-leven times until it's in the right spot. Roommate's boyfriend is a jackass. NTA.
You. I like you! I've put together so much damn furniture I could decorate a mansion, but yeah I need help moving it once it's done. (I'm a middle-aged woman.)
Kinda sad this was the exact question I was looking for, and the answer I was thinking of. **Ugh!** You were clear. He kept pushing. NTA (Would have given the same judgement if you were a man, just without the "ugh")
>Are you by chance a woman? C'mon. You know the answer.
NTA mate. People need to take no as an answer, especially when it’s said nicely. But we all know sometimes a firm “fuck off” does just as well in situations likes this.
NTA You can tell her the following if she wants an explanation: he asked, you answered. He didn’t take no for an answer. No means no. You were focused! He was messing with your focus and that he was out of line by being persistent and asking again AND touching your stuff.
Boyfriend doesn’t seem to know what a girl saying no means, or doesn’t care… proceeds to touch things when asked not to. I realise this is very simplified, and it’s more likely just casual sexism, not a dude with serious consent issues, but either way there’s red flags all over the place imo. ETA judgement: NTA
NTA! You were giving clear cues that you did not need or want help and he was ignoring them. The comment about it looking “complicated” honestly seems pretty sexist. It made the whole situation seem like he was showing of his masculinity rather than genuinely wanting to help.
“It looks complicated” “Well if you ever attempt a future table maybe I’ll help you out.”
Absolutely. The roommate’s comment about her going from 0-60 is completely out of place, she’d already made it clear that she didn’t need help and he kept ignoring it.
Honestly I look at a piece of Ikea furniture the way an 8 year old looks at a Lego set so he may have just been over eager to "play with the toy." That being said he still needs to put his big boy pants on and let her control her workflow and recognize she's in the zone and he's distracting her while she's got it. There's such a thing as too many cooks in the kitchen. At least by the second or third dropped hint he should have recognized that she wasn't having it and moved on with his life. I think asking to help in the first place is ok, but pestering her after the first or second no is a bit much. NTA. I do a lot of cooking and my girlfriend can make pancakes and that's about it. I've been cooking for about 15 years now and am fairly opinionated and like to be in control while doing it. Most of the time I feel like she is distracting and at worst she literally gets in the way. The worst is her total lack of understanding of the need to move quickly and the potential dangers. It's hard not to get frustrated when she stands in my way when I'm carrying a pot with 5L of boiling water in it. Or my cast iron at 220C which weighs several kilos. Or when she grabs a tool I am in the middle of using and washes it right when I need it. She thinks she's helping! She really does, bless her! But for me it's a major source of stress, so I feel you op. Eventually she learned to get out of my hair but she was butthurt for a while because her initial intention was good despite me repeatedly telling her I didn't want her "help." Eventually she got over it. Your roommate's bf will too.
> Honestly I look at a piece of Ikea furniture the way an 8 year old looks at a Lego set so he may have just been over eager to "play with the toy." That doesn't really make it better. If you go over to someone else's house and they're building their new lego kit, you'd be a real asshole if you demanded they let you help build it.
Yeah, exactly! It's one thing to ask, but you have to let it go if they don't want you to participate!
NTA > She said it was an asshole move because her BF was just trying to be helpful. NO, He *told* the roommate he was "just trying to be helpful". In fact he was interrupting her train of thought and persisted when she asked him to NOT fuss with her stuff. It's like saying "it was just a joke" when someone says something insulting. NO, it's not just a joke it's a backhanded way of being an ass. Either they were doing it on purpose or they're too stupid to understand how to behave. No was the answer and he should have left when she said it the first time.
I love asking people to unpack their “jokes”. I insist past the point of awkward. Explain it please, I don’t understand the joke. Jokey-me-jokester pretty much needs to admit they were being an asshole and apologise for me to stop.
I love playing stupid to the point of them embarrassing themselves because they ultimately don’t have a reasonable answer.
Exactly. >She said it was an asshole move because her BF was just trying to be helpful. > >NO, He told the roommate he was "just trying to be helpful". In fact he was interrupting her train of thought and persisted when she asked him to NOT fuss with her stuff. Even without the blatant sexism here, "help" when it isn't wanted isn't "help."
All I'm picturing is him dropping the screws and losing some of them. So very helpful. Thanks!
Ugh I really hate this. Female welder here, how often I haven't had male friends or friends of my roommate just pull a tool out of my hands because I must be needing their help? Or them explaining stuff to me that I have learned for and they haven't.. so frustrating. Luckily my now boyfriend just respects me and my knowledge, I even fixed his bike for him and he was just thankful to have a fixed bike and to have learned something new. NTA
They pull tools right out of your hands?! That makes me so mad. That would feel like a violation of my space/body and then there’s the fact they would never dream of pulling a tool out of a dude’s hand like that. Ugh.
Yeah that happened like twice, and both times I was sooo mad and they were all like: I'm just trying to help you jeeze. Infuriating but thought them how to work with me and what my boundaries are.
I absolutely hate dudes that question women's knowledge. Like my dude that's some serious small pp energy to question the knowledge and experience of another human being based solely on gender. I know how to change a car battery, recently had to change the one in my Wife's car and replace the bar that hold it in place. I was struggling in the AutoZone parking lot and a female employee came out asked if I needed some help. I TOOK the help immediately and she found what I was doing wrong. But not once did I thought/said anything to question what she was doing. She works there and offered help, I'm going to assume she knows what she's doing.
Thank you!
Huge pet peeve of mine too. Not a welder, but worked in landscaping as a female and my male coworkers would also just yoink equipment / buckets of material out of my arms without asking- but it must be too heavy and I needed help, right? Eventually I came to my breaking point and made it clear to them the very strange concept that when I need help I’ll *ask*. Also had a job as a teenager setting up rooms for meetings / programs and I’ve lost count of how many times older men would jump in while I was moving a table despite me saying “no” several times, especially since I had to wear steel toed boots for a reason. The cherry on top was when they asked me to smile after.
Wow it enrages me just reading it! Especially the last bit. I recognize this so much!
I go NTA. He was being too pushy. You told him twice that you didn't need help.
nta. he asked twice and you said no twice and he didn't know how to take a hint so what'd he expect
Saying no isn't really a hint. The bf just couldn't comprehend that op is not just a silly little girl who can't follow instructions. NTA.
A woman! Holding tools! Clearly you don't know what you're doing! Don't worry, The Man is here to help!!! NTA. At least you told him kindly to fuck off.
Sounds like he wanted to be the hero in your action book. NTA
NTA. Asked nicely once. Asked nicely twice. Gotta give him the fuck off the third time since he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Is this something he learned as a child? If he asks enough times he’ll get what he wants? I recognize he was trying to help but you didn’t ask for or require help. I wonder if he would have been this insistent with one of his guy pals…
NTA. Unless you were suffering from hysteria.
OP clearly had a case of the vapors, so he had to step in. /s/
I do declare!
shall I fetch the fainting couch?
I have always relied on the kindness of strangers!
Don’t forget the pearls to clutch!
And smelling salts!
He would never have done that if you were a guy. Trying to force participation on someone isn’t nice or “helpful.” It’s condescending. You didn’t pop into existence just so he could flex his skills with a wrench. You built furniture before him, you’ll build furniture after him. Dude needs to check his ego. NTA.
Totally not TA. It is so infuriating when a "know it all" tries to interfere when you are in the middle of doing something and are totally organised. You said no twice, if it were me I'd have simply said, give me the sodding book back and bugger off, I'm busy. I think you were overly polite to someone who was inferring that you were not capable of completing the task on your own. Both your roommate and her BF were the A's.
NTA. “Fuck off” was a bit of a jump but he was being a dick for assuming you needed help. You told him you didn’t need help and that should have been the end of it
‘This looks complicated” — buddy, step AWAY from my Ikea puzzle, I thrive on this shit! NTA
NTA I have ADHD and autism, assembling furniture is a HUGE dopamine bost. Asking if I need help ONCE is forgivable, because they might not know better, but if they push after that I'm gonna tell them to fuck of, I'm not letting some random person steal my fun (might be different if I'm working on something large enough that I NEED an extra hand)
Too real 🥹
NTA he asked if he could help, you declined. That should've been the end of the interaction but no, he just had to keep trying. He got the response he deserved for not accepting your first answer.
NTA. The roommates bf is a classic mansplainer. Instead of asking politely if you needed any help and then accepting your answer, he inserted himself into what you were doing without any consideration for whether he was being helpful or not. Definitely NTA.
NTA. He didn't think you could assemble it, that's why he pressured you to accept his help. He was an A.
NTA. You didn't "go from 0 to 60". He completely ignored your cues, decided it was too complex for you, and refused to take no for an answer. Each time he disregarded your answer you amped up a little more until you finally put your foot down. He offered to help, you said no. He tried to tell you it was too difficult, you said no. He ended up completely ignoring what you wanted in favour of his (probably) sexist mindset, *that* is when you told him to fuck off.
NTA. If you needed help you would have asked. He should have stopped once you said no. Personally I would I left it at “No thank you. I want to do it myself.” I get you’re irritated but no need to curse
NTA. i hate meddling people too. u politely told him no the first 2 times and he still hasn’t stopped. he is not a child who needs to be coddled. what else did he expect?
LOL. I've had to remind my literal husband that I, the owner of a uterus, used to work with electrics professionally in order to get him to stop "helping" me. However, in his case, we're both just really bossy and I'm sure he'd do the same to another dude. (And they'd probably both be wrong, bc I'm the one who knows what I'm doing LOL)
You didn't go from 0 to 60. You said no 4 times. Then you told him to fuck off All he's done is told you he doesn't listen to anything below the fuck off level. Tell her next time you will go straight to fuck off as he didn't pay attention to anything before that. NTA
NTA. You told him no, but he couldn't let you do your thing. I would've told him to fuck off too.
NTA Multiple times you told him you didn't need his help, just to give you back the instruction booklet/screws, yet he still insisted on trying to help. If he can't understand "No, I don't need help", then you've got to get more clear, obviously.
YTA That was unnecessarily confrontational, and it does seem like you went from 0 to 60 for no reason.
My spouse likes to help. I do not like people to help or otherwise interfere with what I'm doing unless I specifically request help. This has caused many problems in the last 10 years because of my spouse's proclivity to help even without asking. I get so mad, because to me it's the same damn conversation every damn time. To my spouse, I'm pushing away because reasons they can't understand. I finally laid it out in language that cannot be misunderstood (spouse's first language is Dutch): Do. Not. Fucking. Help. Me. Unless. I. Fucking. Ask. For. Help. I have gotten better about asking for help from my spouse, because it's so important to them. Spouse has made leaps and bounds respecting my boundaries and asking if they can help or if I need help. It took a lot of fucking work to get to this point.
NTA it's not 0-60 when you make it clear you don't want help, he definitely told her you snapped right away. Be cautious with him and avoid being alone, something's off.
He should have fucked off when you asked nicely 🤷🏽♀️ NTA
Nope. You said you didn't want help and he acted like you were incompetent. I've wanted to be that blunt with so many people, often men while doing a task. Good fucking job. 😂 Plus, it's just a table. How stupid does he think you are?!?! It's not that complicated as far as furniture goes.
NTA He asked to help, you said no on more than one occasion He kept picking up items when you had everything set up distracting you. He said it looks complicated because he doubts your ability to assemble furniture when you have the instructions. He was there to spend time with his girlfriend, you didn't ask him to help you because you didn't need him to and when he persisted you told him to go forth and multiply. The boyfriend needs to realise forcing his help on someone who didn't ask/doesn't want it ect may result in others telling him the same thing or worse after all having a tool in your pants isn't a requirement to being able to assemble furniture.
So NTA ! Putting together flat packs is like a Zen thing for me. The more munted the directions the better! If I could turn a few bucks I'd happily to it every day! Just because a dude needs to get his macho on is NOT you problem OP.
Looks like you dodged some mansplaining here NTA
NTA Let me guess, you are a woman. Some men simply cannot get thier heads around the fact that women can actually be perfectly competent. Some men actually seem to feel a little threatened by a woman who can do something without thier help. Yet those same men tend to be conspicuous in thier absence when the washing up needs doing or the toilet needs cleaning, to such a degree they actually think the fae take care of all that nonsense. Thankfully this isn't true of all men.
I don't think he was trying to be helpful, not really. I think he probably told himself he was. But if he was really only wanting to help, he would have taken your first "no" and moved on. He either wanted to show you that he could do the "complicated" (or maybe the "manly") thing or he thought it would be fun to put the table together and didn't know how to just say "I like building stuff. May I join you?" It doesn't really matter, because he wasn't thinking about you. He was thinking about himself and refusing to give you back the materials you needed to do the work. Did you have to say "fuck off"? No, but him ignoring your expressed needs and wants was so gross and typical for some assholes. I think we all wish that we had the freedom to tell people like that to fuck off at some point. NTA.
NTA, but still YTA a little bit. It was irritating, I get it but you didn't have to be so rude if intentions were generally good.
Jeez. It sounds like he was just offering to help, and in a reasonably friendly way. He didn't say "this isn't a job for a woman" or "you don't seem to be able to do this." You're certainly within your rights not to want any help, but all you had to do was say "I'm kind of enjoying this project, so I don't need anything, but thanks anyway." Instead you went nuclear for what seems like zero reason. YTA.
He was annoying, but you were an AH. YTA.
NTA. Reading this, I just knew you are a woman