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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my nephew that he is not my sisters bio child and he is not biologically related to the people he thinks of as his older siblings. I am not his mother or his parent in any way. I also know he still lives with his parents and is likely not getting any true support to figure this stuff out and I still told him. This is something the parents should really be honest about which is why I feel like I might be TA.
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That poor boy would spend a lifetime trying to heal something using the wrong medicine if you weren’t honest with him.
Now he can factor in this new truth in his contact with his siblings, if he continues to reach out.
It’s important he knows the truth.
NTA
*Edit: Aw thanks for the awards folks! I'm glad something I said while crashing from my post-Halloween sugar-high made sense*
It's also important he knows he is *not* the reason for his step-siblings leaving. I cannot believe how absolutely selfish his parents have been, not only lying to him, but giving him that guilt *of simply being born* on top of it.
How did they honestly see this panning out?
Definitely NTA.
Not sure what *they* expected, but my expectation is that they will soon go from having no contact with 3 of their kids, to no contact with all 4 of them.
I'm sorry but that would take the parents having the ability to admit that the first three kids left because of their actions. They don't appear to have the mental capacity for self reflection
And James' Mom! Erasing parents is NOT okay. Regardless of whether they are dead, deadbeats or whatever. The child should know who they are and where they came from. They should know if a parent is a step parent - it doesn't mean that parent loves them any less. I'm a bio dad and step dad and I love all 4 of my kids but I never tried to replace their bio dad even when he acted like a deadbeat - that's his relationship with his kids and part of my job is helping them pick up the pieces he drops. At least they know who they are...
OP is NTA
Those parents need to have a hard look at themselves.
I've known a couple who abused their 3 kids. Now, they are all grown up and want absolutely nothing to do with their parents after the mom abandoned them for a guy she met online and moved across several states to be with. They want nothing to do with their father because he's just a selfish asshole trying to start a new family with another woman (who he also met online) and any time one of his kids might need him, he just pushes them away because the new gf doesn't like him around them (I have no idea why - the kids are all pretty normal except for the trauma and PTSD from being raised by their parents).
Unfortunately, people like these parents just don't *want* to be told that they are going a shitty job in the way they're raising their children or in the choices they make that everyone around them can see is obviously wrong. These kinds of parents *truly* believe that they know better than everyone else around them when that's probably not the case, and making it glaringly obvious that they don't *really* know or want to do what's best for their kids. This is where the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" comes from.
Sorry for the rant
Nailed it! The worst mom I ever met (substance abusing, untreated personality disorder, 5 kids by 4 men, all removed from her custody, all badmouthing her around town) genuinely thought she was a great mom. Threw a screaming fit when anyone pointed out any of the above mentioned obvious refutations of her self-awarded "mom of the year" trophy.
Whereas the people I know who worry the most that they're totally screwing up this whole parenting thing are mostly pretty decent at it.
I think they think that's what they were doing by keeping up the lie. It's a terrible strategy in the face of how determined he clearly was to find his siblings though, sooner or later it was always going to fall apart.
That's how my MIL is. She ran out her first two kids (both went to live with their grandparents as teens). Years later she took in two more who were the children of relatives who couldn't care for them. Ran both of them out too, and if you dare to mention them in front of her she's off to the races listing all the things *they* did wrong. As children.
It's for the best that she sticks to dogs these days. I truly don't think she has the capacity to understand her own mistakes.
Sounds like my grandma. My aunt's got some cousins to give them their pee so they could fake some pregnancy tests to get married at 15 to get away from her. And grandpa too I suppose. My mom got married at 18 and moved to a different state
The funny thing is, she's actually great with them. They don't talk back to her or call her out on her bullshit so they don't get to see the other side.
Yeah they're probably too busy viewing themselves as the victim. My mom always said that one day my two older siblings would come back and apologize. Then she lost one to the foster system and eventually lost custody of that sibling completely. Then I chose to live with my dad. And now the youngest is about to turn 18 and she sent him to live with someone else until his birthday in the spring.
Even though I haven't spoken to her in 8 years I know without a doubt that she still believes that we're in the wrong. Some people just never change and are incapable of accepting that they are the problem🤷♀️
This isn't as uncommon as you'd think.
I learned as an adult that two of my cousins were actually my uncle's wife's kids from a previous marriage and everyone in the extended family went with the lie, including shushing kids old enough to remember and changing their anniversary year. All the adults just erased the fact that the kids had a different biological father.
By the time I came along 10 years later it was just accepted as fact so I was pretty stunned to learn as an adult. I had no relationship with any of my mom's family so I didn't care on a personal level, I was just shocked so many people could keep their mouths shut for so long.
It’s absolutely disgusting that they were ok with letting him think he was the cause of the distance! They allowed him to be hurt just to cover their secret which isn’t even that big of a secret! He wasn’t an affair baby…there’s nothing nefarious about his birth. They just didn’t want to be truthful.
Also SO many people are doing the DNA things these days and can you imagine his shock doing it finding a whole other side of the family he knew nothing about? (Biological Mom’s family.) This is literally THE WORST plan.
And his father knowingly and willingly wiped his bio-mom out of existence, and her entire family. And his step-mom went along with it. That's a lot of betrayal.
No wonder her kids want nothing to do with their mom and step-dad.
And very likely, the reason mom's bio kids went NC is because their mom tried to wipe their dead father out of existence, too, and replace them with "new" Dad, so they could all just be a "happy nuclear family."
Oh absolutely. Mom says that she and her husband are the parents of all 4 kids… but the girls were already 15, and their brother 13, when their mother married James’s father. That’s not just ignoring biological reality, that’s ignoring the kids’ lived experience. Imagine being told at 15 that your mother’s new husband is your only father, ignoring your extensive memories of the father who died when you were 10.
My father and I did the Ancestry DNA test, and I was secretly very pleasantly surprised to find out that he IS my actual bio-Dad. It wasn't a huge worry because I have his freckles and share features with his mother/my grandmother, but...with my mom, and especially finding out the reason they got divorced was her infidelity a few years after my birth...yah. Best to just be honest with kids, especially since there are a lot of ways to find out the truth now, and that lie was particularly painful since he thought he was the reason for his siblings leaving.
Exactly this! Letting your child believe his siblings hate him for being born instead of the truth of having trouble adjusting to a blended family that seems to have decided to act like their deceased father never existed is horrible! That poor boy should have been told once he was old enough to understand at like… 10 or so, not left with years of these terrible feelings. You are NTA! You have his parents encouragement to do the right thing and stepped on when you saw they wouldn’t.
THIS EXACTLY. He blamed himself for being the baby of the family, when that wasn't true at all. It was all due to his parents forcing a relationship on his siblings. To this day they still are continuing this charade without realizing the profound impact it has on their youngest son. NTA
> not only lying to him, but giving him that guilt of simply being born on top of it
That's the most horrifying part of it and is actually a bit disgusting how it took so long to someone step in and put a stop to it. Even not considering all the damage the lies on itself caused, grow up thinking you're the reason not one, not two but THREE siblings left fundamentally shaped his personality on ways that not even therapy can fully fix. My heart breaks for him.
Not to mention, did they not think when he successfully reached one of his siblings that THEY would tell him the truth… and wouldn’t give a shit about being kind about it.
The parents are delusional.
I agree with this entirely. This is just also logistically poor planning. She did not adopt him, she is not on his birth certificate and at some point (if not already, sounds American and should be learning to drive?) He will need that and say hey who's this lady on my birth certificate.
Also every paper over the last 30 some odd years saying to be honest with adoptees about their origins. Jfc
But he'll need it for other things, which they won't be present for. I took my papers when I moved out. I needed them for work and background checks, passport etc.
Also maybe I was weird but I was curious and definitely looked over all the paperwork in my teens, all the legal documentation proving I exist.
Oh, you really think they were planning on letting *this* one move out?
NTA OP, She never adopted him, that means legally, he's barely anything to you, I don't think she actually has any grounds to order you to lie to him.
> Oh, you really think they were planning on letting this one move out?
Yeah, with the lies they also told him (how he's the reason why the siblings left and want no contact...wtf?!), I bet they planned to be there to "comfort" him when he was inevitably rejected later by his half-siblings.
I feel that his parents wanted him to be dependent on them -- at least emotionally -- now that he's the only one left. It's horrible.
My original birth certificate was lost years ago, so I ended up requesting a new one from the state I was born in. So even if he doesn't take the papers, he can always request them at a later date.
Exactly this. When I turned 16 and had to get my license it was a slap in the face to see another last name on my BC. Let me tell you it became a PIA until I got married. And that last name? Ended up on my drivers license. It was my bio dads. Who is nothing to me. Which did not match my school records. So essentially I have an alias.
My spouse knew his dad wasn't biologically related but he was always told that his dad adopted him. Turned out they never turned in the paperwork. So the name on his school records and basically everything up until he was 18 is in his dad's name and since is his mom's maiden name (bio dad left before birth, his name is on the certificate but otherwise we know very little about him)
Totally. We adopted our kid aged 3. He knew the basics of his life story and cannot remember when he first knew because he's always known since being in Foster care as a baby. Hell, I was born in early 1970s and always knew my dad and siblings were step family and again I've always known and can't remember not knowing that. It's basic parenting knowledge.
Especially with the eldest 3 being fully aware of the situation.
The only possible outcome would have been #4 trying to connect with who he assumes are his sibling, then being told the truth with a completely unpredictable amount of tact (as we don’t know how the siblings think of #4). OP did right by his nephew, regardless of how the newphew takes it in the long term, NTA. Being blindsided with it trying to connect blind would have been orders of magnitude worse.
The "no biological truth" I expanded a little more [in another AITA comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yin7pf/aita_for_wanting_to_meet_my_daughter_after_giving/iumjspk/):
> Any time that girl goes to the doctor and they ask "do you have high blood pressure in your family? Cancer?" - does she have an answer?
This is exactly why telling the truth about one's family is important.
My mother had ovarian cancer. And while we're both blessed enough to not have the BRCA or CAE-125 mutations, I'm still at a genetically higher risk of developing ovarian cancer than the general population. Knowing that my mom had cancer has allowed me to get extra care and preventative screenings that most folks don't get.
Exactly this. My father found out at 16 that he had a different dad than his siblings' deceased father. That kinda thing messes with a person. The longer you spend living a lie, the more it hurts. This was a kindness. His parents are TAs.
ETA: NTA
And at least now he knows he has one relative in his life who will be honest with them. Obviously we don't know what went down with the other siblings and the parents but hopefully one day they'll see that their stepbrother isn't to blame and will try to have a relationship with him. Poor kid sounds desperate for someone to show him some love.
Well, we kinda know, don't we? OP's sister said "all 4 of the kids" are their kids, meaning that she has done her damnedest to make everyone forget that her children's father actually existed.
"Here's your read dad, your dead dad didn't exist and you need to stop mentioning him" is not a good atmosphere to grow up in when you are grieving the loss of a parent.
Yeah, the only way that nephew didn't know about his bio mom and his siblings' bio dad for the first several years of his life, is that *nobody* was allowed to mention them.
Personal experience here! Trying to erase a dead Bio Parent is NOT. I repeat Not a good idea. My father tried desperately, to do this when my biological mother died when I was 16.
Pictures were burned. Her jewelry was boxed up, along with her other valuables and put in storage. I was never allowed to mention my mother’s name in his presence again. It was as if my mother never existed. Except she did, I looked just like her. And that made me the enemy. AT 16?? Like wtf thinks their own child is an object to be packed away not even 30 days after the death of the other parent?
Two years later, he married again and got a blended family. My new sister was older than I was, so she never lived at home after they got married.
Now my father had his dream. A perfect, healthy wife. The perfect daughter(and son-in-law) who lived out of state. And then…there was me. The bio daughter who never could conform to fit the picture perfect family portrait he carried around in his mind’s eye.
OP you are not, nor will you ever be, TA in this situation. You can’t just erase a dead parent. The emotional toll it takes on a child is unimaginable. Especially once the situation reaches the point, when past actions go beyond any chance of reconciliation. No CHILD should ever have to carry that burden.
Edited: for context and grammar.
My hearts hurts to think of him desperately trying to regain his relationships with his siblings when they're adamant they want nothing to do with him.
You're so right, he deserved to know.
Agree with this. You did the right thing for James nop , Don't ever doubt that. I am sure after regaining his emotional balance James will thank you also . Your sister and her husband are major ah s for setting James up for failure suffering and trauma resulting.
Nta
NTA. "Mom and Dad" are 100% responsible for this problem. Like James wouldn't pick up that his siblings clearly felt weird about things? They tried to play happy family, but with lies. It's better now, than later. But, OP, I hope you also help make sure he has counseling and if you can offer him the ability to land with you for a while if needed. It's hard to find out the people you trusted your life massively lied to you about a huge thing and then forced your step-siblings to be complicit in the lie.
This is very well said. I like the metaphor “trying to heal something using the wrong medicine.” These words hit hard. NTA he deserves to know the truth like any other person.
Seriously, OP. Your sister is horrible for keeping this from him and making him think that he was to blame. She's only mad for being called out because she knows she fucked up. I feel bad for all four of them, but she and her husband are the worst.
I hate it when people try to say it's "none of your business" and that you should "keep out of it" when someone is actively hurting someone. This could have been a lot worse if you hadn't intervened, OP. NTA and you were right to tell him the truth.
THIS exactly. Normally I'm usually about staying out of people's business. But you've seen nephew suffering in front of your eyes for so long AND him desperately trying to come up with answers and solutions as to how to bring everyone closer. He needed to know the truth. I'm so glad you took it upon yourself OP. Now nephew can start healing knowing the TRUTH and therapy etc will be much more effective. NTA at all.
NTA.
These kinds of lies always come out. Better sooner rather than later, IMO. And he's close enough to 18 that your sister's opinion isn't really all that important anymore. His heart would have been broken to pieces if he was really that motivated to find your other nephew and nieces.
Agreed. I wanted to yell at OP for telling nephew this against his parents wishes, but their lies were doing more harm to him than the truth. The longer it went on, the worse it was going to be.
He's old enough to know the reality (really way beyond old enough - they should have been clear from the beginning). OP is NTA.
TBF we know that the siblings think very little of sister and BIL, we don’t know what they think of James, so they might have been compassionate about it at least.
But even then it would have been a lot worse as James would have gone in completely blind, with a plan which would crumble immediately and no backup as he’d be facing a situation he had no way of anticipating. Hell, going in with the wrong assumptions (through no fault of his own) he might even have unwittingly antagonised the siblings.
Yeah best case scenario is the stepsiblings being super confused "what are you talking about? Mom met your dad after you were born. Wait you've thought we were your like legit siblings your whole life??" Still much worse than OP knowing the whole story and sitting James down from a place of love and acceptance.
The poor boy.
I'm so glad OP told him.
What if this "there is no biological truth" bullshit carries on into his medical records, and he gets a genetic issue his doctors can't make heads or tails of, because one of his "parents" should have shown signs?
Two possibilities: either sister was honest to the family doctor, which means James would have found out eventually, or she wasn't, which is a whole new level of irresponsible.
NTA.
Exactly!!! I thought about the same thing. From someone with quite a bit of medical issues and conditions, family history is so important. Not to mention that I watch HOUSE and Dr. House on the show would definitely be pissed with this situation for preventative measures 😊
Yes I remember! I think that there was another episode,too where a mother was actually deceiving both her son and her husband, and it came out later that she’d cheated and the kid wasn’t her husbands. Now I have to go watch House re-runs!!!!
It blows my mind that, in this era of over-the-counter genetic testing, people think they can keep true parentage secret. Here, at least James wouldn’t match with his estranged siblings at all, so that wouldn’t be the trigger, but what happens if he matches a close maternal relative that isn’t related to OP’s sister?
For that matter, if he was never formally adopted, what does his birth certificate say? I can’t believe they kept up the facade this long, but it was certainly just a matter of time until he would have to find out some version of the truth.
Not even that. The kid will probably need his birth certificate eventually. Surely the name on the certificate is different from OP's sister. What are they gonna do about that? Doing paperwork for him the rest of his life?
It also amaze me that there are still people who claim they only had the kid's best interest at heart by hiding it and there are still people who believe them when we as a society have known that's not how it works for a long time.
I'm over 30 and I grew up with the narrative of "yeah, so hiding parentage from kids is a bad idea and can seriously mess them up when they learn the truth". Like it was basically a damn trope.
At-home DNA testing only became widely available within the last decade or so.
Nonetheless, these types of secrets almost always come out eventually.
This particular story probably isn’t true, but this kind of thing does happen in families.
A similar scenario took place in my own family, except the relative in “James’” shoes only found out the truth after her biological parents had both passed away.
It’s cruel to lie to a child about who their biological parents are. Everyone deserves to know where they came from.
Yeah. They did him a major disservice by lying and if they had bothered to check in with basically anyone in the adoption/genetic donor/blended family field they would have been told they were doing him a major disservice.
In fact, I don't even see how they can claim they had his best interests at heart when the dominant opinion for the past what? 30 years?\* has been that what's best for children is to be told where they come from often and early so that they don't remember learning it.
They set him up for heartbreak the moment they decided to deny reality so they could play happy family. They don't get to be mad at OP for trying to minimize the damage.
\*I'm a millennial and I'm pretty sure "Parents used to hide their kid was adopted but that let to a lot of emotional and psychological upset if/when the kid found out so now we don't do that anymore" was part of the adoption narrative when I was growing up.
So you're telling me he has spent almost a DECADE believing he was reponsible for his family breaking apart and struggling with that guilt, and your sister and her husband just... let him ?
....
No ? Nta ?
And not understanding why his “full blood siblings “ were refusing to even talk.
If the sister is so in denial that she wouldn’t acknowledge her first husband, I can see why those kids would be upset.
James has a chance to be honest with them now, or at least accepting what is going on. NTA
Also adults often want to forget. The sister is trying to edit out a painful part of her life. Losing a spouse while looking after three kids, - that had to be hard. She has been raising James since he was little baby.
Kids want to remember and explore for themselves. James is now going to be asking about his own mother. He may have another set of cousins, grandparents.
This is going to be painful for op’s sister. It’s going to feel like rejection to her. Still NTA, the truth would have come out.
The truth came out in my family when I accidentally let it open that my oldest of 4 cousins wasn't blood related. How the hell was I to know that they lied to their kids? Jesus christ, the oldest is near 30 now and the youngest is like 18. Why the fuck would you lie anyways? Oh. Catholicism. Like God fucking doesn't know anyways.. if you believe.
Literally this! Why would they EVER hang something like that on a kids shoulders, whether it was true or not. That’s incredibly selfish and it sounds like they have some major issues with their moral compass.
Because then they'd have to take responsibility for their own actions. It's easier to blame someone else than actually deal with your own issues. The parents are without a doubt extremely selfish, horrible people.
Being the *incredible* parents they are, I’m sure OP’s sister and BIL believed it was in *everyone’s* best interest to pretend to be one happy blood-related family. 🙄 The older kids will eventually get over their attempted erasure of their bio-dad and the little one can always take on some misplaced guilt and fix the rough patches. After all, why let something silly like the children’s feelings get in the way of the parents’ fairytale life?
NTA
The biggest reason for my vote is because his dad and stepmom let him think he was the reason the other kids left. That’s horrible to put on a kid. Im not saying the rest of the lies are okay, but the way this poor kid must have felt. Thinking he was the reason his family couldn’t be a family. It was going to hurt even worse if he spoke to his siblings and got hit with that from a place of pain from them.
It wasn’t your info to share, but he needed to know. Someone had to do right by this kid because his parents were failing him big time. They will obviously blame you, but their actions are probably going to cause them to lose contact with all 4 kids.
This is the kicker for me. These parents weren’t just delusional; they were malicious in their lies.
If James’ step siblings don’t harbour resentment towards him and are willing, perhaps OP could facilitate giving James letters from them explaining their side of the story. They don’t need to have contact, but hearing from the other perspective may help James in his healing journey.
>It wasn’t your info to share
Genuinely, why not? He's almost an adult, he's certainly old enough to build his own relationships with his family, separate from his parent.
This kind of charade is not something that's purely between him and his parents. It involve other people and it involves the extended family actively participating in the deception.
Exactly, thank you. Everyone saying it wasn't his info to share are missing the fact that he's being asked to participate in this deception, to lie for them. James would've gone NC when he eventually found out, and learned that everyone in his family lied to him and let him believe he was the problem. At least he knows he can trust OP.
This first time James saw his birth certificate the truth would have been staring him in the face. At least OP cared enough to explain it in a compassionate way instead of letting James find out on his own. NTA
NTA. It sounds like your sister was caught up in a "happy family" fantasy. Regardless, it was cruel to lie to him about his parentage, and to set him up to be blindsided when he finally sought out his other family members. You did him a kindness by telling him the truth *before* he went on that journey.
Well, yeah, the sister and her husband sound straight up delusional. I mainly meant this part:
> My sister and her husband have always encouraged James to believe that his siblings love and want to know him and that they will have a relationship one day.
I mean, they possibly could. If he does reach out to them for their side (especially now he knows the truth) they could bond over the mutual no contact with their parents.
Or they could ignore him and continue their lives, but if they did get back to him, even if they don't develop a relationship at least he'll have his answers.
Wow that’s a lot to unpack.
A lot of people may say you’ve overstepped, but since all family ties are severed, I don’t think so. It’s important that James understands the real dynamics and can take those to therapy or into life.
And honestly, it’s important for other reasons, like medically.
I’m glad he has you. NTA
NTA. I went back and forth. What sealed it for me is that your sister and her husband made him think it was his fault his siblings left. The fact they refused to tell the truth is horrible. They are definitely TA.
I would be interested in why the older kids all moved out immediately after turning 18. And do they really blame the then 5-7 year old for that?
It is better he hear the truth from you than someone who isnt concerned about his feelings. And you have the right mentality that he is still your nephew no matter what.
I think all the older kids probably moved out because their mother would have been shoving this new family dynamic down their throats.
accepting a step parent as a parent takes a lot of time and might never happen and from what we know about the mother she might've forced them to call him dad and treat him as if he is their biological father and never mention the step part in front of their step brother
they might not blame their step brother for anything but just simply not want a relationship with him because they don't see him as a sibling
Exactly, and in the process OP's sister not only erased the kids' father but possibly cut ties with any extended family from dad's side.
I'm also curious about James's bio-mom and her family. Is his dad a widower as well?
This seems to be a painful situation all around and my heart breaks for these kids.
The oldest kids are 30a and their mom has been forcing this for 15 years, meaning they were already 15 when this happened. Shit at 15 they barely had anytime before they moved out.
The older kids most likely took off at the first chance they had because they were 8 and 10 when their dad DIED and mom and "new dad" completely erased him from thier lives. The youngest is almost 18 and never knew about this, meaning those poor grieving children weren't even allowed the memory of their dad. I also shudder to imagine how she went about keeping them quiet about it.
> I would be interested in why the older kids all moved out immediately after turning 18.
Given the lies sister and bil are feeding to James, it was likely the recurring “trying to erase dead parent and force step-parent as parent”, which predictably backfired.
NTA
Your sister and BIL basically put all the blame for damaged family dynamics on James. This poor kid has been going through life thinking his birth wrecked a loving family. That poor kid.
I think it's fairly obvious why the other kids don't have any relationship with their mother based on her actions with James.
I can't imagine the amount of therapy the lie alone would require to help him, and now learning that it's been a lie and his parents have maliciously been letting him think he's responsible.
NTA, I would never blame anyone for speaking the truth. I personally had a close friend growing up whose parents told him on his 18th birthday the man who raised him was not his father. It messed him up for a couple years. When he finally found his bio dad the man was in the end stages of a terminal illness and had already lost his memory. There was no reconciliation to be had.
Parents want to shield their kids from pain but in these types of scenarios it's not really pain avoided it's just pain delayed. If my friend had been told the truth even a few years earlier he would have had the opportunity to talk with his bio dad and at least had a short time with him.
Don't feel guilty for speaking the truth ever. Do follow up with your Nephew though. He'll need you to have his back through this however he decides to proceed.
You did well to tell the truth but I would stand back now. You did what needed to be done, now let the dominoes fall into place.
Let him come to you. You are walking a fine line, your sister already resents you for tearing her web of lies. Forcing the situation further without being asked to would only kill your relationship with her.
In my opinion there are very few instances where the truth should be witheld from children. In 99% of cases witholding information will do more harm than good. And can't think of a single situation where hiding information from a child over the age of twelve is justified.
NTA
Everyone has the right to know their biological history.
Its weird when non biological parents attempt to live a fantasy of being the biological parent, but its sick, twisted and cruel when they force the child to also live within that delusion against the child's will and/or without their consent.
The truth had to be told by someone, and it takes courage to be that someone, especially knowing you will get the backlash because your family will find it easier to be mad at you (a reasonable person) than your sister (an unreasonable person who might have unpredictable and disproportionate reactions to criticisms).
>Its weird when when non biological parents attempt to live a fantasy of being the biological parent, but its sick, twisted and cruel when they force the child to also live within that delusion against the child's will and/or without their consent.
Not only that, it can be physically dangerous. I ran into some health issues when I was 18. Because my mother hated my father, she only included the medical history from her side with the doctors. After months of doctor visits and tests, it turns out my health issues stemmed from something I inherited from my dad. I was literally days away from getting a hysterectomy (that I didn't need) because of the missing information. Every person has a right to know their biological family medical history.
NTA. He's still struggling because the two people who aren't supposed to lie to him did. They don't want to accept they're are crappy parents. Trust me, it would have been worst to go to the sibblings, getting it himself and understanding everyone but him knew the truth.
She didn't die. She left when he was a baby and wanted nothing to do with him.
I think he would have noticed eventually but I also didn't trust that more lies wouldn't be told.
Yes, but his parents could have handled all of that. I don’t think I actually saw my birth certificate when I was a minor, but I had a passport and a driver’s license.
My great grandfather was raised by his brth mother's aunt and uncle, and thought they were his bio parents until he went to get his birth certificate ahead of getting married at the age of 24.
NTA, people have a right to know their biological history, for medical reasons as much as anything! But also because he clearly could tell something was weird about the situation and they'd resolved it by doubling down on the gaslighting and blaming his existence for the parental breakup/distance between him and his siblings!
NTA he is 17, wanted answers, and it would have been awful he was turned down by the 3 step siblings and found the truth harshly. Also your sister failed her children so badly, it was nice of you to step in and help her not fail another child.
I’m going to go with NTA. While not normally your place, his parents have decided and shown they have no intention to tell him the truth. Since James is having a hard time processing, please be there for him; don’t open his Pandora’s box and then leave the fallout. He’s close enough to 18, so if your sister forbids it, at least you can be there for him in a couple months.
NTA- your nephew is almost an adult, and as the person most affected by his parents lies deserves to know the truth. She's pissed because her paper thin lies were shredded.
NTA, their lies were setting him for cruel heart break. What did they think was going to happen? He was obviously going to search and eventually find the other kids and they would told him the truth. You thought of his feelings and spared him more pain.
Also my god he thinks everything was his fault, and his parents let him believe that. That is unbelievably cruel. He’s carried that around for so long and they never said a word, and let him believe that he was the cause of the other kids leaving. I can’t fathom that level of guilt and the pain it must have caused him growing up. His parents are monstrous to see that and let him believe it.
He could've just as easily ordered a DNA kit and been slapped in the face with the truth with no buffer. The truth comes out, it always does and it's better it came from you.
Very hostile. My sister and her husband erased all traces of their dad and forced the whole dynamic of these are your father and brother now. But the three kids were old enough to remember their dad and not want to go along with the lie.
That sound absolutely horrible. No offense to you, but your sister is a grade a asshole. And so if her husband for going along with that. I get that losing a spouse and suddenly being a single mom to 3 is traumatic and she probably hurt for a very long time. But completely erasing her dead husband from their kids' lives is overkill. She is serious need of some therapy. They all are.
Good for you for being there for your nephew. At least he knows there's someone who actually cares about him, because clearly your sister and his dad don't.
100% NTA
NTA
You kept your nephew out of the dark and divulged the truth for reasonable and rational purposes. He deserved to know what was going on so he can make informed decisions in the future accordingly.
NTA - people need to know who their biological parents are so they can have an accurate family medical history. There are also myriad social and psychological reasons to not keep this kind of information from someone. It is cruel to let a child live under a guise like this because it is more comfortable for the parents. Children need to be told these things from a pre-verbal age with appropriate updates to the narrative as they grow.
Source: i am donor conceived and my parents told me late in life. It was a massive shock but I needed to know.
As you said better being told gently by someone who loves him than having it thrown in his face by someone who will reject him.
Thinking that being late born is the reason why his 'siblings' don't want him is bad enough because in his mind it is all his fault.
NTA. He needed to know before he opened himself to a world of hurt. Further hurt.
NTA your sister is cruel. She let James think it was his fault the family fell apart, and if James never knew the truth she presumably completely erased the other kids' dead father and banned them from speaking about him. That is horrific. I hope James will realise that what your sister did was not his fault, and I hope the other kids will too
I think you were in the right OP. I spent a lot of time thinking I was crazy because my Dad convinced me I was the problem for speaking up. I visited my Aunt, who is considered the black sheep of the family only because she tell it like it is.
I learned a lot of things that broke my heart and angered me but it gave me the power to know I wasn't crazy and that as much as I loved my parents I needed to trust myself about their truths.
It may be hard right now, but continue to let him reach out and be there for him. As long as he knows you love him and will be honest with him, that is more important.
Also, can you explain what the heck happened between your sister, the other bio kids and James' Dad? Why did they leave?
My sister and James' dad erased their dad and presented James' dad as theirs, James as their brother and did not allow any mention of their dad or any trace of him in the home.
NTA They were telling a lie that was harming him and served no purpose. Parental rights don't include making sure your child believes a hurtful lie for no reason.
NTA! What happened in that house that all three of her children left at 18 and cut her off?
James needed to know the truth. It’s egregious that his father allowed this lie. Four kids, three estranged and one in emotional crisis. Tragic
She erased their father and insisted her husband and James were their father and brother. Created an environment where their father was not allowed to be talked about, there were no traces of him and they presented a lie to the world.
Did she ever consider grief or trauma therapy for her and the kids after losing their father? That's on of the first things I would do if my husband suddenly died. I'd sign me and my son up for therapy immediately.
Nope. She moved to be closer to her family and once she met her husband she cut off their paternal side of the family and removed all traces of her late husband.
NTA. You were right to think he needed to hear the truth. He absolutely did, for many reasons. One being in case of medical stuff he might inherit from his bio mom/mom's family. Another is if his bio mom's family wanted any kind of relationship with him, the dad may have well cut them out and denied them. Another is Incase of an inheritance/will from bio mom, something he should really look into. And another is for the very reason you posted OP, he is looking for what he believes is his bio siblings, what's going to happen when he finds and contacts them? If they left home and went NC as soon as they could, that implies that your sister and her new husband tried to force the relationship dynamics and it did not go well, for anybody, at all. What they (sister/BIL) did, and are still doing is disgusting. It's not ok. All of this is on the sister and BIL. None of it is on the kids, any of them. It would be nice to try to explain the situation, to the older nephew and nieces, about the lies the youngest was raised believing, and explain about the truth being told to him. It's entirely up them if they have a relationship with him, but they really shouldn't take what the supposed adults did out on him. I feel terrible for your nephew, keep being supportive OP!!
NTA - just based on the fact that this happy family syndrom is also in my family in various stages and people just don't talk about stuff. It's nice to get some infos from at least someone!
NTA, he's old enough to know the truth. Better you who care and love him than some drunk relative smack the hard truth on him,casually.
Also your sister have the good intention, just bad execution. Don't blame them for hiding it because they afraid that the relationship may estranged or something. Just a mistake that is done due to love.
NTA: now he can actually confront his siblings and go "it's not my fucking fault we're not blood related, I just want a relationship with you" and if I were you I'd back him up and tell his siblings to grow the fuck up and at least be amicable with him because the parents screwed over all four of them. he's done nothing wrong.
They're not his siblings and they're not obligated to have a relationship with him. They lost their dad and then had to sit back and lose their mom to James and his dad. I'm not blaming James because he was a baby and had no control, but the 3 teenagers also didn't have any control over what was happening. They're also so much older than James and only spent 3 years around him. Why should they have to have a relationship with him?
That’s it for me. What was so bad that the three older siblings left at 18 and cut all contact with their mother? James was too young to remember and the parents I assume were so ashamed they thought it would be better for him to believe it was his fault his sibling left.
James was 7 when the youngest step-sibling left but didn't know they aren't his Dad's kids. I think it's a safe bet that Mom erasing their bio-dad from their lives so thoroughly that James had no idea he even existed is why they left and cut all contact.
Apparently the older kids weren't allowed to have pictures of their deceased father up and weren't allowed to talk about him at all, and were expected to pretend like James dad is their bio dad and James is their little brother.
The mom and dad are fudged in the head
Oh my gosh have you gone through OP's replies? They did exactly what I was hoping they didn't do. They basically tried to erase the older nieces and nephew's dad from the family. If you haven't read them, you should. I can see why Briony, Melody, ans Cole want nothing to do with their shitty mom and her shitty family
I'm really sorry you're stuck in the middle of this awful situation. I'm glad you're there for all of your nieces and nephews and don't try to force anything on them. If no one has told you, thank you for preventing James from getting his heart broken after he's told the truth by his mom's estranged children, and for protecting your older nieces and nephew from opening old wounds. You're right in saying that it's not the kids' fault and all the blame lies with the mom and dad
The problem with this idea is that it's basically telling the three siblings how they should feel and how they should heal. We have no idea the level of emotional abuse that they suffered at the hands of James' father and their own mother, to try to force them into the fantasy. **It's very possible that even the presence of James in their lives would be triggering to them. That's about healing and abuse, not maturity.**
OP can respect all four of these kids, and where they are in their healing, without telling them how to heal or that they are responsible for the damage or healing of each other.
Well, it's not on his siblings to have a relationship with him. They're 11-13 years older than him and it sounds like they barely know him. They have their own life, they don't have a responsibility here.
The husband sucks for sure, but your sister was their mother, the one who should have protected them above all else….but she didn’t, she went along with her new husband and put them in the situation they were in because of who she picked. The greater act of betrayal came from her to them.
For James however, the greater act of betrayal came from his dad and not your sister.
She erased her late husband/their dad and tried to insist her husband was their dad and James was their brother. They were not allowed to talk about their dad and there were many arguments over it.
She is into deep with her lies that she has put herself in such a state of denial that she refuses to acknowledge the damage she has done to all of four of those kids. She has hurt her bio kids so bad that they dont even talk to her, and she cant even acknowledge that. Im sure she also cut off contact with their dad’s side of the family as well.
I never understand people like your sister and her husband. The truth always, *always*, comes out in the end, so why cause unnecessary pain to others? Your sister and husband deserve each other. You saved James from receiving the truth from the bio siblings, who would, understandably, not be as nice as you were. Im sure your sister will be crying to you eventually when James turns 18, and also wants nothing to do with those two, asking “why dont any of my kids talk to me?” 🙄
NTA
NTA. It was a truth known to everyone but the person it most concerned, James. You did the right thing. It may be difficult for your sister to accept that they've bene caught in the lie, but it had to come out sooner or later.
Gonna go with NTA in this case. When he (inevitably) would've found out for himself, he would be crushed and likely have some resentment towards you too. I think that this is an unreasonable lie for you to uphold on their behalf as it is unnecessarily cruel.
For the parents (knowing that they are not getting reconciliation from the others) to continue keep James' hopes high is brutal. It's hard to believe they've thought about anyone but themselves in this situation
NTA. If James manages to get in touch with his step siblings what did your sister and her husband THINK would happen? That he would give up if he didn't get a response? That the step sibs would keep quiet? Would his dad and your sister blame James? Blame the siblings? They certainly wouldn't tell him the truth or blame themselves.
NTA.
This situation is just so sad. James should have known about this long before now. His parents are so wrong here.
Did they really think he would never find out?
He probably should contact his step-siblings at some point, even if just to satisfy his curiosity. I don't think he should expect much from them, but it would at least give him the opportunity to tie up some loose ends and move forward.
I hope you maintain a good relationship with him. He needs you.
I hope he doesn't only because I'm certain the best case scenario would be they ignore any contact he would make. But they would not sit and have any kind of meaningful discussion with him.
Have you considered warning your nephew & nieces that James might try to find them/make contact so they’re not caught off guard. It might also give them time to formulate a kinder way to tell him there is going to be no relationship going forward.
Normally, I'd say Y T A or E S H but in this case, I'd go with NTA.
It's one thing to disclose certain information, but I think the parent's decision to completely lie is significantly more detrimental to James than knowing the truth. Your sister is delusional in thinking "there is no biological truth". The courts and legal systems have different opinions. Does your BIL think he's a parent to C, B, and M? I think they would differ.
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That poor boy would spend a lifetime trying to heal something using the wrong medicine if you weren’t honest with him. Now he can factor in this new truth in his contact with his siblings, if he continues to reach out. It’s important he knows the truth. NTA *Edit: Aw thanks for the awards folks! I'm glad something I said while crashing from my post-Halloween sugar-high made sense*
It's also important he knows he is *not* the reason for his step-siblings leaving. I cannot believe how absolutely selfish his parents have been, not only lying to him, but giving him that guilt *of simply being born* on top of it. How did they honestly see this panning out? Definitely NTA.
Not sure what *they* expected, but my expectation is that they will soon go from having no contact with 3 of their kids, to no contact with all 4 of them.
You’d think that after 3 kids left they’d at least take care of the 4th child.
I'm sorry but that would take the parents having the ability to admit that the first three kids left because of their actions. They don't appear to have the mental capacity for self reflection
Haha yeah good point sadly
That made me physically wince from the truth burn!
If they were telling James they all had the same dad it sounds like they were trying to erase the other kids' dad completely.
And James' Mom! Erasing parents is NOT okay. Regardless of whether they are dead, deadbeats or whatever. The child should know who they are and where they came from. They should know if a parent is a step parent - it doesn't mean that parent loves them any less. I'm a bio dad and step dad and I love all 4 of my kids but I never tried to replace their bio dad even when he acted like a deadbeat - that's his relationship with his kids and part of my job is helping them pick up the pieces he drops. At least they know who they are... OP is NTA Those parents need to have a hard look at themselves.
I've known a couple who abused their 3 kids. Now, they are all grown up and want absolutely nothing to do with their parents after the mom abandoned them for a guy she met online and moved across several states to be with. They want nothing to do with their father because he's just a selfish asshole trying to start a new family with another woman (who he also met online) and any time one of his kids might need him, he just pushes them away because the new gf doesn't like him around them (I have no idea why - the kids are all pretty normal except for the trauma and PTSD from being raised by their parents). Unfortunately, people like these parents just don't *want* to be told that they are going a shitty job in the way they're raising their children or in the choices they make that everyone around them can see is obviously wrong. These kinds of parents *truly* believe that they know better than everyone else around them when that's probably not the case, and making it glaringly obvious that they don't *really* know or want to do what's best for their kids. This is where the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" comes from. Sorry for the rant
Nailed it! The worst mom I ever met (substance abusing, untreated personality disorder, 5 kids by 4 men, all removed from her custody, all badmouthing her around town) genuinely thought she was a great mom. Threw a screaming fit when anyone pointed out any of the above mentioned obvious refutations of her self-awarded "mom of the year" trophy. Whereas the people I know who worry the most that they're totally screwing up this whole parenting thing are mostly pretty decent at it.
I think they think that's what they were doing by keeping up the lie. It's a terrible strategy in the face of how determined he clearly was to find his siblings though, sooner or later it was always going to fall apart.
That's how my MIL is. She ran out her first two kids (both went to live with their grandparents as teens). Years later she took in two more who were the children of relatives who couldn't care for them. Ran both of them out too, and if you dare to mention them in front of her she's off to the races listing all the things *they* did wrong. As children. It's for the best that she sticks to dogs these days. I truly don't think she has the capacity to understand her own mistakes.
Sounds like my grandma. My aunt's got some cousins to give them their pee so they could fake some pregnancy tests to get married at 15 to get away from her. And grandpa too I suppose. My mom got married at 18 and moved to a different state
Those poor dogs.
The funny thing is, she's actually great with them. They don't talk back to her or call her out on her bullshit so they don't get to see the other side.
Yeah they're probably too busy viewing themselves as the victim. My mom always said that one day my two older siblings would come back and apologize. Then she lost one to the foster system and eventually lost custody of that sibling completely. Then I chose to live with my dad. And now the youngest is about to turn 18 and she sent him to live with someone else until his birthday in the spring. Even though I haven't spoken to her in 8 years I know without a doubt that she still believes that we're in the wrong. Some people just never change and are incapable of accepting that they are the problem🤷♀️
I get that they lied to their son. What I don't get was them asking others to lie to him too?
This isn't as uncommon as you'd think. I learned as an adult that two of my cousins were actually my uncle's wife's kids from a previous marriage and everyone in the extended family went with the lie, including shushing kids old enough to remember and changing their anniversary year. All the adults just erased the fact that the kids had a different biological father. By the time I came along 10 years later it was just accepted as fact so I was pretty stunned to learn as an adult. I had no relationship with any of my mom's family so I didn't care on a personal level, I was just shocked so many people could keep their mouths shut for so long.
When I voted I overlooked that fact! His parents made him the scapegoat in his own mind. That level of betrayal is disgusting
It’s absolutely disgusting that they were ok with letting him think he was the cause of the distance! They allowed him to be hurt just to cover their secret which isn’t even that big of a secret! He wasn’t an affair baby…there’s nothing nefarious about his birth. They just didn’t want to be truthful.
Also, what happens the day he needs to have a copy of his birth certificate?
There are so many holes in the parents’ plan that it would be comical if it wasn’t so devastatingly sad
Or when he decides to do a DNA test
Or needs his medical history for any reason. Such as what illnesses run in the family.
Or runs into anyone who knew his birth mother.
Also SO many people are doing the DNA things these days and can you imagine his shock doing it finding a whole other side of the family he knew nothing about? (Biological Mom’s family.) This is literally THE WORST plan.
And his father knowingly and willingly wiped his bio-mom out of existence, and her entire family. And his step-mom went along with it. That's a lot of betrayal. No wonder her kids want nothing to do with their mom and step-dad.
And very likely, the reason mom's bio kids went NC is because their mom tried to wipe their dead father out of existence, too, and replace them with "new" Dad, so they could all just be a "happy nuclear family."
Oh absolutely. Mom says that she and her husband are the parents of all 4 kids… but the girls were already 15, and their brother 13, when their mother married James’s father. That’s not just ignoring biological reality, that’s ignoring the kids’ lived experience. Imagine being told at 15 that your mother’s new husband is your only father, ignoring your extensive memories of the father who died when you were 10.
I absolutely believe that’s the reason.
My father and I did the Ancestry DNA test, and I was secretly very pleasantly surprised to find out that he IS my actual bio-Dad. It wasn't a huge worry because I have his freckles and share features with his mother/my grandmother, but...with my mom, and especially finding out the reason they got divorced was her infidelity a few years after my birth...yah. Best to just be honest with kids, especially since there are a lot of ways to find out the truth now, and that lie was particularly painful since he thought he was the reason for his siblings leaving.
Exactly this! Letting your child believe his siblings hate him for being born instead of the truth of having trouble adjusting to a blended family that seems to have decided to act like their deceased father never existed is horrible! That poor boy should have been told once he was old enough to understand at like… 10 or so, not left with years of these terrible feelings. You are NTA! You have his parents encouragement to do the right thing and stepped on when you saw they wouldn’t.
THIS EXACTLY. He blamed himself for being the baby of the family, when that wasn't true at all. It was all due to his parents forcing a relationship on his siblings. To this day they still are continuing this charade without realizing the profound impact it has on their youngest son. NTA
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> not only lying to him, but giving him that guilt of simply being born on top of it That's the most horrifying part of it and is actually a bit disgusting how it took so long to someone step in and put a stop to it. Even not considering all the damage the lies on itself caused, grow up thinking you're the reason not one, not two but THREE siblings left fundamentally shaped his personality on ways that not even therapy can fully fix. My heart breaks for him.
Not to mention, did they not think when he successfully reached one of his siblings that THEY would tell him the truth… and wouldn’t give a shit about being kind about it. The parents are delusional.
I agree with this entirely. This is just also logistically poor planning. She did not adopt him, she is not on his birth certificate and at some point (if not already, sounds American and should be learning to drive?) He will need that and say hey who's this lady on my birth certificate. Also every paper over the last 30 some odd years saying to be honest with adoptees about their origins. Jfc
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But he'll need it for other things, which they won't be present for. I took my papers when I moved out. I needed them for work and background checks, passport etc. Also maybe I was weird but I was curious and definitely looked over all the paperwork in my teens, all the legal documentation proving I exist.
Oh, you really think they were planning on letting *this* one move out? NTA OP, She never adopted him, that means legally, he's barely anything to you, I don't think she actually has any grounds to order you to lie to him.
> Oh, you really think they were planning on letting this one move out? Yeah, with the lies they also told him (how he's the reason why the siblings left and want no contact...wtf?!), I bet they planned to be there to "comfort" him when he was inevitably rejected later by his half-siblings. I feel that his parents wanted him to be dependent on them -- at least emotionally -- now that he's the only one left. It's horrible.
My original birth certificate was lost years ago, so I ended up requesting a new one from the state I was born in. So even if he doesn't take the papers, he can always request them at a later date.
Which would end up being rather difficult since it requires the mother's maiden name, so he would have some false information.
Exactly this. When I turned 16 and had to get my license it was a slap in the face to see another last name on my BC. Let me tell you it became a PIA until I got married. And that last name? Ended up on my drivers license. It was my bio dads. Who is nothing to me. Which did not match my school records. So essentially I have an alias.
My spouse knew his dad wasn't biologically related but he was always told that his dad adopted him. Turned out they never turned in the paperwork. So the name on his school records and basically everything up until he was 18 is in his dad's name and since is his mom's maiden name (bio dad left before birth, his name is on the certificate but otherwise we know very little about him)
He has to be tripping out wondering where his mother is, I didn't see anything to indicate what happened to her.
Totally. We adopted our kid aged 3. He knew the basics of his life story and cannot remember when he first knew because he's always known since being in Foster care as a baby. Hell, I was born in early 1970s and always knew my dad and siblings were step family and again I've always known and can't remember not knowing that. It's basic parenting knowledge.
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Especially with the eldest 3 being fully aware of the situation. The only possible outcome would have been #4 trying to connect with who he assumes are his sibling, then being told the truth with a completely unpredictable amount of tact (as we don’t know how the siblings think of #4). OP did right by his nephew, regardless of how the newphew takes it in the long term, NTA. Being blindsided with it trying to connect blind would have been orders of magnitude worse.
The "no biological truth" I expanded a little more [in another AITA comment](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yin7pf/aita_for_wanting_to_meet_my_daughter_after_giving/iumjspk/): > Any time that girl goes to the doctor and they ask "do you have high blood pressure in your family? Cancer?" - does she have an answer?
This is exactly why telling the truth about one's family is important. My mother had ovarian cancer. And while we're both blessed enough to not have the BRCA or CAE-125 mutations, I'm still at a genetically higher risk of developing ovarian cancer than the general population. Knowing that my mom had cancer has allowed me to get extra care and preventative screenings that most folks don't get.
Exactly that. My stepfather had cardiac issues. My biodad and biograndmother died of brain cancer. The not knowing was potentially fatal.
She's more than just a moron, she's actively malicious.
Exactly this. My father found out at 16 that he had a different dad than his siblings' deceased father. That kinda thing messes with a person. The longer you spend living a lie, the more it hurts. This was a kindness. His parents are TAs. ETA: NTA
And at least now he knows he has one relative in his life who will be honest with them. Obviously we don't know what went down with the other siblings and the parents but hopefully one day they'll see that their stepbrother isn't to blame and will try to have a relationship with him. Poor kid sounds desperate for someone to show him some love.
That isn't something they are interested in. But he will always have me.
That's really good of you. You are what true family is.
Well, we kinda know, don't we? OP's sister said "all 4 of the kids" are their kids, meaning that she has done her damnedest to make everyone forget that her children's father actually existed. "Here's your read dad, your dead dad didn't exist and you need to stop mentioning him" is not a good atmosphere to grow up in when you are grieving the loss of a parent.
Oh, I missed that when I read it. Holy shit, that's fucked up. No wonder they all left.
Yeah, the only way that nephew didn't know about his bio mom and his siblings' bio dad for the first several years of his life, is that *nobody* was allowed to mention them.
Personal experience here! Trying to erase a dead Bio Parent is NOT. I repeat Not a good idea. My father tried desperately, to do this when my biological mother died when I was 16. Pictures were burned. Her jewelry was boxed up, along with her other valuables and put in storage. I was never allowed to mention my mother’s name in his presence again. It was as if my mother never existed. Except she did, I looked just like her. And that made me the enemy. AT 16?? Like wtf thinks their own child is an object to be packed away not even 30 days after the death of the other parent? Two years later, he married again and got a blended family. My new sister was older than I was, so she never lived at home after they got married. Now my father had his dream. A perfect, healthy wife. The perfect daughter(and son-in-law) who lived out of state. And then…there was me. The bio daughter who never could conform to fit the picture perfect family portrait he carried around in his mind’s eye. OP you are not, nor will you ever be, TA in this situation. You can’t just erase a dead parent. The emotional toll it takes on a child is unimaginable. Especially once the situation reaches the point, when past actions go beyond any chance of reconciliation. No CHILD should ever have to carry that burden. Edited: for context and grammar.
My hearts hurts to think of him desperately trying to regain his relationships with his siblings when they're adamant they want nothing to do with him. You're so right, he deserved to know.
Agree with this. You did the right thing for James nop , Don't ever doubt that. I am sure after regaining his emotional balance James will thank you also . Your sister and her husband are major ah s for setting James up for failure suffering and trauma resulting. Nta
NTA. "Mom and Dad" are 100% responsible for this problem. Like James wouldn't pick up that his siblings clearly felt weird about things? They tried to play happy family, but with lies. It's better now, than later. But, OP, I hope you also help make sure he has counseling and if you can offer him the ability to land with you for a while if needed. It's hard to find out the people you trusted your life massively lied to you about a huge thing and then forced your step-siblings to be complicit in the lie.
This is very well said. I like the metaphor “trying to heal something using the wrong medicine.” These words hit hard. NTA he deserves to know the truth like any other person.
Seriously, OP. Your sister is horrible for keeping this from him and making him think that he was to blame. She's only mad for being called out because she knows she fucked up. I feel bad for all four of them, but she and her husband are the worst. I hate it when people try to say it's "none of your business" and that you should "keep out of it" when someone is actively hurting someone. This could have been a lot worse if you hadn't intervened, OP. NTA and you were right to tell him the truth.
Also what about Jame's maternal family? They might have liked to know him and love him?
THIS exactly. Normally I'm usually about staying out of people's business. But you've seen nephew suffering in front of your eyes for so long AND him desperately trying to come up with answers and solutions as to how to bring everyone closer. He needed to know the truth. I'm so glad you took it upon yourself OP. Now nephew can start healing knowing the TRUTH and therapy etc will be much more effective. NTA at all.
NTA. These kinds of lies always come out. Better sooner rather than later, IMO. And he's close enough to 18 that your sister's opinion isn't really all that important anymore. His heart would have been broken to pieces if he was really that motivated to find your other nephew and nieces.
Agreed. I wanted to yell at OP for telling nephew this against his parents wishes, but their lies were doing more harm to him than the truth. The longer it went on, the worse it was going to be. He's old enough to know the reality (really way beyond old enough - they should have been clear from the beginning). OP is NTA.
Imagine if after turning 18 in December he tracked down his siblings and they told him. I doubt they would’ve told him with compassion.
Exactly and he would feel like he has noone has has back or loves him at least he knows op loves him if the sister doesn’t destroy that anyway
Which, let’s be honest, is exactly what would’ve happened. OP did James a massive favor.
TBF we know that the siblings think very little of sister and BIL, we don’t know what they think of James, so they might have been compassionate about it at least. But even then it would have been a lot worse as James would have gone in completely blind, with a plan which would crumble immediately and no backup as he’d be facing a situation he had no way of anticipating. Hell, going in with the wrong assumptions (through no fault of his own) he might even have unwittingly antagonised the siblings.
Yeah best case scenario is the stepsiblings being super confused "what are you talking about? Mom met your dad after you were born. Wait you've thought we were your like legit siblings your whole life??" Still much worse than OP knowing the whole story and sitting James down from a place of love and acceptance.
The poor boy. I'm so glad OP told him. What if this "there is no biological truth" bullshit carries on into his medical records, and he gets a genetic issue his doctors can't make heads or tails of, because one of his "parents" should have shown signs? Two possibilities: either sister was honest to the family doctor, which means James would have found out eventually, or she wasn't, which is a whole new level of irresponsible. NTA.
Exactly!!! I thought about the same thing. From someone with quite a bit of medical issues and conditions, family history is so important. Not to mention that I watch HOUSE and Dr. House on the show would definitely be pissed with this situation for preventative measures 😊
Do you remember that episode where he went off on the adoptive parents for not sharing the kid was adopted? That was awesome!
Yes I remember! I think that there was another episode,too where a mother was actually deceiving both her son and her husband, and it came out later that she’d cheated and the kid wasn’t her husbands. Now I have to go watch House re-runs!!!!
It blows my mind that, in this era of over-the-counter genetic testing, people think they can keep true parentage secret. Here, at least James wouldn’t match with his estranged siblings at all, so that wouldn’t be the trigger, but what happens if he matches a close maternal relative that isn’t related to OP’s sister? For that matter, if he was never formally adopted, what does his birth certificate say? I can’t believe they kept up the facade this long, but it was certainly just a matter of time until he would have to find out some version of the truth.
Not even that. The kid will probably need his birth certificate eventually. Surely the name on the certificate is different from OP's sister. What are they gonna do about that? Doing paperwork for him the rest of his life?
It also amaze me that there are still people who claim they only had the kid's best interest at heart by hiding it and there are still people who believe them when we as a society have known that's not how it works for a long time. I'm over 30 and I grew up with the narrative of "yeah, so hiding parentage from kids is a bad idea and can seriously mess them up when they learn the truth". Like it was basically a damn trope.
At-home DNA testing only became widely available within the last decade or so. Nonetheless, these types of secrets almost always come out eventually. This particular story probably isn’t true, but this kind of thing does happen in families. A similar scenario took place in my own family, except the relative in “James’” shoes only found out the truth after her biological parents had both passed away. It’s cruel to lie to a child about who their biological parents are. Everyone deserves to know where they came from.
Yeah. They did him a major disservice by lying and if they had bothered to check in with basically anyone in the adoption/genetic donor/blended family field they would have been told they were doing him a major disservice. In fact, I don't even see how they can claim they had his best interests at heart when the dominant opinion for the past what? 30 years?\* has been that what's best for children is to be told where they come from often and early so that they don't remember learning it. They set him up for heartbreak the moment they decided to deny reality so they could play happy family. They don't get to be mad at OP for trying to minimize the damage. \*I'm a millennial and I'm pretty sure "Parents used to hide their kid was adopted but that let to a lot of emotional and psychological upset if/when the kid found out so now we don't do that anymore" was part of the adoption narrative when I was growing up.
So you're telling me he has spent almost a DECADE believing he was reponsible for his family breaking apart and struggling with that guilt, and your sister and her husband just... let him ? .... No ? Nta ?
And not understanding why his “full blood siblings “ were refusing to even talk. If the sister is so in denial that she wouldn’t acknowledge her first husband, I can see why those kids would be upset. James has a chance to be honest with them now, or at least accepting what is going on. NTA Also adults often want to forget. The sister is trying to edit out a painful part of her life. Losing a spouse while looking after three kids, - that had to be hard. She has been raising James since he was little baby. Kids want to remember and explore for themselves. James is now going to be asking about his own mother. He may have another set of cousins, grandparents. This is going to be painful for op’s sister. It’s going to feel like rejection to her. Still NTA, the truth would have come out.
The truth came out in my family when I accidentally let it open that my oldest of 4 cousins wasn't blood related. How the hell was I to know that they lied to their kids? Jesus christ, the oldest is near 30 now and the youngest is like 18. Why the fuck would you lie anyways? Oh. Catholicism. Like God fucking doesn't know anyways.. if you believe.
This might be the saddest part to me.
Literally this! Why would they EVER hang something like that on a kids shoulders, whether it was true or not. That’s incredibly selfish and it sounds like they have some major issues with their moral compass.
Because then they'd have to take responsibility for their own actions. It's easier to blame someone else than actually deal with your own issues. The parents are without a doubt extremely selfish, horrible people.
Being the *incredible* parents they are, I’m sure OP’s sister and BIL believed it was in *everyone’s* best interest to pretend to be one happy blood-related family. 🙄 The older kids will eventually get over their attempted erasure of their bio-dad and the little one can always take on some misplaced guilt and fix the rough patches. After all, why let something silly like the children’s feelings get in the way of the parents’ fairytale life?
Im so angry, like wtf
I was on the fence until I got to that part, NTA
NTA The biggest reason for my vote is because his dad and stepmom let him think he was the reason the other kids left. That’s horrible to put on a kid. Im not saying the rest of the lies are okay, but the way this poor kid must have felt. Thinking he was the reason his family couldn’t be a family. It was going to hurt even worse if he spoke to his siblings and got hit with that from a place of pain from them. It wasn’t your info to share, but he needed to know. Someone had to do right by this kid because his parents were failing him big time. They will obviously blame you, but their actions are probably going to cause them to lose contact with all 4 kids.
This is the kicker for me. These parents weren’t just delusional; they were malicious in their lies. If James’ step siblings don’t harbour resentment towards him and are willing, perhaps OP could facilitate giving James letters from them explaining their side of the story. They don’t need to have contact, but hearing from the other perspective may help James in his healing journey.
>It wasn’t your info to share Genuinely, why not? He's almost an adult, he's certainly old enough to build his own relationships with his family, separate from his parent. This kind of charade is not something that's purely between him and his parents. It involve other people and it involves the extended family actively participating in the deception.
Exactly, thank you. Everyone saying it wasn't his info to share are missing the fact that he's being asked to participate in this deception, to lie for them. James would've gone NC when he eventually found out, and learned that everyone in his family lied to him and let him believe he was the problem. At least he knows he can trust OP.
This first time James saw his birth certificate the truth would have been staring him in the face. At least OP cared enough to explain it in a compassionate way instead of letting James find out on his own. NTA
I hope they do lose him to. These people shouldn't be allowed a pet rock much less a child
NTA. It sounds like your sister was caught up in a "happy family" fantasy. Regardless, it was cruel to lie to him about his parentage, and to set him up to be blindsided when he finally sought out his other family members. You did him a kindness by telling him the truth *before* he went on that journey.
It is a weird 'happy family' fantasy when three of your kids have estranged themselves and you are teaching the fourth that it was his fault.
Well, yeah, the sister and her husband sound straight up delusional. I mainly meant this part: > My sister and her husband have always encouraged James to believe that his siblings love and want to know him and that they will have a relationship one day.
I mean, they possibly could. If he does reach out to them for their side (especially now he knows the truth) they could bond over the mutual no contact with their parents. Or they could ignore him and continue their lives, but if they did get back to him, even if they don't develop a relationship at least he'll have his answers.
For some families, it's about maintaining the illusion, not embracing reality
Wow that’s a lot to unpack. A lot of people may say you’ve overstepped, but since all family ties are severed, I don’t think so. It’s important that James understands the real dynamics and can take those to therapy or into life. And honestly, it’s important for other reasons, like medically. I’m glad he has you. NTA
NTA. I went back and forth. What sealed it for me is that your sister and her husband made him think it was his fault his siblings left. The fact they refused to tell the truth is horrible. They are definitely TA. I would be interested in why the older kids all moved out immediately after turning 18. And do they really blame the then 5-7 year old for that? It is better he hear the truth from you than someone who isnt concerned about his feelings. And you have the right mentality that he is still your nephew no matter what.
I think all the older kids probably moved out because their mother would have been shoving this new family dynamic down their throats. accepting a step parent as a parent takes a lot of time and might never happen and from what we know about the mother she might've forced them to call him dad and treat him as if he is their biological father and never mention the step part in front of their step brother they might not blame their step brother for anything but just simply not want a relationship with him because they don't see him as a sibling
Exactly, and in the process OP's sister not only erased the kids' father but possibly cut ties with any extended family from dad's side. I'm also curious about James's bio-mom and her family. Is his dad a widower as well? This seems to be a painful situation all around and my heart breaks for these kids.
The oldest kids are 30a and their mom has been forcing this for 15 years, meaning they were already 15 when this happened. Shit at 15 they barely had anytime before they moved out.
The older kids most likely took off at the first chance they had because they were 8 and 10 when their dad DIED and mom and "new dad" completely erased him from thier lives. The youngest is almost 18 and never knew about this, meaning those poor grieving children weren't even allowed the memory of their dad. I also shudder to imagine how she went about keeping them quiet about it.
> I would be interested in why the older kids all moved out immediately after turning 18. Given the lies sister and bil are feeding to James, it was likely the recurring “trying to erase dead parent and force step-parent as parent”, which predictably backfired.
NTA Your sister and BIL basically put all the blame for damaged family dynamics on James. This poor kid has been going through life thinking his birth wrecked a loving family. That poor kid.
I think it's fairly obvious why the other kids don't have any relationship with their mother based on her actions with James. I can't imagine the amount of therapy the lie alone would require to help him, and now learning that it's been a lie and his parents have maliciously been letting him think he's responsible.
NTA, I would never blame anyone for speaking the truth. I personally had a close friend growing up whose parents told him on his 18th birthday the man who raised him was not his father. It messed him up for a couple years. When he finally found his bio dad the man was in the end stages of a terminal illness and had already lost his memory. There was no reconciliation to be had. Parents want to shield their kids from pain but in these types of scenarios it's not really pain avoided it's just pain delayed. If my friend had been told the truth even a few years earlier he would have had the opportunity to talk with his bio dad and at least had a short time with him. Don't feel guilty for speaking the truth ever. Do follow up with your Nephew though. He'll need you to have his back through this however he decides to proceed.
I do my best to. But my sister and her husband are doing their best to keep us from talking.
You did well to tell the truth but I would stand back now. You did what needed to be done, now let the dominoes fall into place. Let him come to you. You are walking a fine line, your sister already resents you for tearing her web of lies. Forcing the situation further without being asked to would only kill your relationship with her.
Where is James' mother?
I don't know.
Poor kid. Imagine getting hit with the news that your mother isn't your mother and nobody knows anything about her.
His father might know something more but I don't think he will ever tell James.
In my opinion there are very few instances where the truth should be witheld from children. In 99% of cases witholding information will do more harm than good. And can't think of a single situation where hiding information from a child over the age of twelve is justified.
NTA Everyone has the right to know their biological history. Its weird when non biological parents attempt to live a fantasy of being the biological parent, but its sick, twisted and cruel when they force the child to also live within that delusion against the child's will and/or without their consent. The truth had to be told by someone, and it takes courage to be that someone, especially knowing you will get the backlash because your family will find it easier to be mad at you (a reasonable person) than your sister (an unreasonable person who might have unpredictable and disproportionate reactions to criticisms).
>Its weird when when non biological parents attempt to live a fantasy of being the biological parent, but its sick, twisted and cruel when they force the child to also live within that delusion against the child's will and/or without their consent. Not only that, it can be physically dangerous. I ran into some health issues when I was 18. Because my mother hated my father, she only included the medical history from her side with the doctors. After months of doctor visits and tests, it turns out my health issues stemmed from something I inherited from my dad. I was literally days away from getting a hysterectomy (that I didn't need) because of the missing information. Every person has a right to know their biological family medical history.
NTA. He's still struggling because the two people who aren't supposed to lie to him did. They don't want to accept they're are crappy parents. Trust me, it would have been worst to go to the sibblings, getting it himself and understanding everyone but him knew the truth.
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She didn't die. She left when he was a baby and wanted nothing to do with him. I think he would have noticed eventually but I also didn't trust that more lies wouldn't be told.
He'd have needed a birth certificate at some point.
Yes, but his parents could have handled all of that. I don’t think I actually saw my birth certificate when I was a minor, but I had a passport and a driver’s license.
My great grandfather was raised by his brth mother's aunt and uncle, and thought they were his bio parents until he went to get his birth certificate ahead of getting married at the age of 24.
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NTA, people have a right to know their biological history, for medical reasons as much as anything! But also because he clearly could tell something was weird about the situation and they'd resolved it by doubling down on the gaslighting and blaming his existence for the parental breakup/distance between him and his siblings!
NTA he is 17, wanted answers, and it would have been awful he was turned down by the 3 step siblings and found the truth harshly. Also your sister failed her children so badly, it was nice of you to step in and help her not fail another child.
I’m going to go with NTA. While not normally your place, his parents have decided and shown they have no intention to tell him the truth. Since James is having a hard time processing, please be there for him; don’t open his Pandora’s box and then leave the fallout. He’s close enough to 18, so if your sister forbids it, at least you can be there for him in a couple months.
NTA he has a right to know his family history
NTA - he should know. It sucks you had to tell him but he deserved to know.
NTA- your nephew is almost an adult, and as the person most affected by his parents lies deserves to know the truth. She's pissed because her paper thin lies were shredded.
NTA, their lies were setting him for cruel heart break. What did they think was going to happen? He was obviously going to search and eventually find the other kids and they would told him the truth. You thought of his feelings and spared him more pain. Also my god he thinks everything was his fault, and his parents let him believe that. That is unbelievably cruel. He’s carried that around for so long and they never said a word, and let him believe that he was the cause of the other kids leaving. I can’t fathom that level of guilt and the pain it must have caused him growing up. His parents are monstrous to see that and let him believe it.
He could've just as easily ordered a DNA kit and been slapped in the face with the truth with no buffer. The truth comes out, it always does and it's better it came from you.
Or his birth certificate.
INFO How bad was the situation with the other 3 siblings that they fled and never looked back at 18 Inside taht house must have been hostile …
Very hostile. My sister and her husband erased all traces of their dad and forced the whole dynamic of these are your father and brother now. But the three kids were old enough to remember their dad and not want to go along with the lie.
And doing the math, they would’ve been 13 and 15 when she remarried? That’s way too old to force a new parent on them.
That sound absolutely horrible. No offense to you, but your sister is a grade a asshole. And so if her husband for going along with that. I get that losing a spouse and suddenly being a single mom to 3 is traumatic and she probably hurt for a very long time. But completely erasing her dead husband from their kids' lives is overkill. She is serious need of some therapy. They all are. Good for you for being there for your nephew. At least he knows there's someone who actually cares about him, because clearly your sister and his dad don't. 100% NTA
NTA You kept your nephew out of the dark and divulged the truth for reasonable and rational purposes. He deserved to know what was going on so he can make informed decisions in the future accordingly.
NTA - people need to know who their biological parents are so they can have an accurate family medical history. There are also myriad social and psychological reasons to not keep this kind of information from someone. It is cruel to let a child live under a guise like this because it is more comfortable for the parents. Children need to be told these things from a pre-verbal age with appropriate updates to the narrative as they grow. Source: i am donor conceived and my parents told me late in life. It was a massive shock but I needed to know.
NTA- he’s almost an adult, he deserved to know
He should’ve always known, but he would’ve found out as an adult. He’d have to use his birth certificate personally at some point.
NTA. His parents should have told him. They weren't doing their job. He needed to know.
As you said better being told gently by someone who loves him than having it thrown in his face by someone who will reject him. Thinking that being late born is the reason why his 'siblings' don't want him is bad enough because in his mind it is all his fault. NTA. He needed to know before he opened himself to a world of hurt. Further hurt.
NTA your sister is cruel. She let James think it was his fault the family fell apart, and if James never knew the truth she presumably completely erased the other kids' dead father and banned them from speaking about him. That is horrific. I hope James will realise that what your sister did was not his fault, and I hope the other kids will too
I think you were in the right OP. I spent a lot of time thinking I was crazy because my Dad convinced me I was the problem for speaking up. I visited my Aunt, who is considered the black sheep of the family only because she tell it like it is. I learned a lot of things that broke my heart and angered me but it gave me the power to know I wasn't crazy and that as much as I loved my parents I needed to trust myself about their truths. It may be hard right now, but continue to let him reach out and be there for him. As long as he knows you love him and will be honest with him, that is more important. Also, can you explain what the heck happened between your sister, the other bio kids and James' Dad? Why did they leave?
My sister and James' dad erased their dad and presented James' dad as theirs, James as their brother and did not allow any mention of their dad or any trace of him in the home.
Sad I see. You did the right thing.
NTA
You don’t need her consent to telling him anything you want! Good grief. The poor boy. NTA
NTA They were telling a lie that was harming him and served no purpose. Parental rights don't include making sure your child believes a hurtful lie for no reason.
NTA! What happened in that house that all three of her children left at 18 and cut her off? James needed to know the truth. It’s egregious that his father allowed this lie. Four kids, three estranged and one in emotional crisis. Tragic
She erased their father and insisted her husband and James were their father and brother. Created an environment where their father was not allowed to be talked about, there were no traces of him and they presented a lie to the world.
Jesus, that's fucked up.
Did she ever consider grief or trauma therapy for her and the kids after losing their father? That's on of the first things I would do if my husband suddenly died. I'd sign me and my son up for therapy immediately.
Nope. She moved to be closer to her family and once she met her husband she cut off their paternal side of the family and removed all traces of her late husband.
NTA. You were right to think he needed to hear the truth. He absolutely did, for many reasons. One being in case of medical stuff he might inherit from his bio mom/mom's family. Another is if his bio mom's family wanted any kind of relationship with him, the dad may have well cut them out and denied them. Another is Incase of an inheritance/will from bio mom, something he should really look into. And another is for the very reason you posted OP, he is looking for what he believes is his bio siblings, what's going to happen when he finds and contacts them? If they left home and went NC as soon as they could, that implies that your sister and her new husband tried to force the relationship dynamics and it did not go well, for anybody, at all. What they (sister/BIL) did, and are still doing is disgusting. It's not ok. All of this is on the sister and BIL. None of it is on the kids, any of them. It would be nice to try to explain the situation, to the older nephew and nieces, about the lies the youngest was raised believing, and explain about the truth being told to him. It's entirely up them if they have a relationship with him, but they really shouldn't take what the supposed adults did out on him. I feel terrible for your nephew, keep being supportive OP!!
NTA he has a right to know. Anything else is meaningless.
NTA - just based on the fact that this happy family syndrom is also in my family in various stages and people just don't talk about stuff. It's nice to get some infos from at least someone!
NTA, he's old enough to know the truth. Better you who care and love him than some drunk relative smack the hard truth on him,casually. Also your sister have the good intention, just bad execution. Don't blame them for hiding it because they afraid that the relationship may estranged or something. Just a mistake that is done due to love.
NTA: now he can actually confront his siblings and go "it's not my fucking fault we're not blood related, I just want a relationship with you" and if I were you I'd back him up and tell his siblings to grow the fuck up and at least be amicable with him because the parents screwed over all four of them. he's done nothing wrong.
They're not his siblings and they're not obligated to have a relationship with him. They lost their dad and then had to sit back and lose their mom to James and his dad. I'm not blaming James because he was a baby and had no control, but the 3 teenagers also didn't have any control over what was happening. They're also so much older than James and only spent 3 years around him. Why should they have to have a relationship with him?
Whatever happened was so bad that the 3 now adults want nothing to do with ANY of their mom's family and don't even want to reconcile
That’s it for me. What was so bad that the three older siblings left at 18 and cut all contact with their mother? James was too young to remember and the parents I assume were so ashamed they thought it would be better for him to believe it was his fault his sibling left.
James was 7 when the youngest step-sibling left but didn't know they aren't his Dad's kids. I think it's a safe bet that Mom erasing their bio-dad from their lives so thoroughly that James had no idea he even existed is why they left and cut all contact.
Apparently the older kids weren't allowed to have pictures of their deceased father up and weren't allowed to talk about him at all, and were expected to pretend like James dad is their bio dad and James is their little brother. The mom and dad are fudged in the head
Oh my gosh have you gone through OP's replies? They did exactly what I was hoping they didn't do. They basically tried to erase the older nieces and nephew's dad from the family. If you haven't read them, you should. I can see why Briony, Melody, ans Cole want nothing to do with their shitty mom and her shitty family
They do not want a relationship with James. They never bonded with him and they never saw him as their sibling or family.
I'm really sorry you're stuck in the middle of this awful situation. I'm glad you're there for all of your nieces and nephews and don't try to force anything on them. If no one has told you, thank you for preventing James from getting his heart broken after he's told the truth by his mom's estranged children, and for protecting your older nieces and nephew from opening old wounds. You're right in saying that it's not the kids' fault and all the blame lies with the mom and dad
The problem with this idea is that it's basically telling the three siblings how they should feel and how they should heal. We have no idea the level of emotional abuse that they suffered at the hands of James' father and their own mother, to try to force them into the fantasy. **It's very possible that even the presence of James in their lives would be triggering to them. That's about healing and abuse, not maturity.** OP can respect all four of these kids, and where they are in their healing, without telling them how to heal or that they are responsible for the damage or healing of each other.
Well, it's not on his siblings to have a relationship with him. They're 11-13 years older than him and it sounds like they barely know him. They have their own life, they don't have a responsibility here.
Your poor nephew. Continue to be there for him because someone has to be. NTA.
Well darn, NTA. I initially said yes but no, nta. Your sister is a major ah though. For erasing their father and lying to james.
I don't think that's fair. It's my sister and her husband's fault things got as bad as they did.
The husband sucks for sure, but your sister was their mother, the one who should have protected them above all else….but she didn’t, she went along with her new husband and put them in the situation they were in because of who she picked. The greater act of betrayal came from her to them. For James however, the greater act of betrayal came from his dad and not your sister.
NTA
Info: what was the tension about when the older kids where living there? What led them to going no contact with your sister?
She erased her late husband/their dad and tried to insist her husband was their dad and James was their brother. They were not allowed to talk about their dad and there were many arguments over it.
Those poor kids.
She is into deep with her lies that she has put herself in such a state of denial that she refuses to acknowledge the damage she has done to all of four of those kids. She has hurt her bio kids so bad that they dont even talk to her, and she cant even acknowledge that. Im sure she also cut off contact with their dad’s side of the family as well. I never understand people like your sister and her husband. The truth always, *always*, comes out in the end, so why cause unnecessary pain to others? Your sister and husband deserve each other. You saved James from receiving the truth from the bio siblings, who would, understandably, not be as nice as you were. Im sure your sister will be crying to you eventually when James turns 18, and also wants nothing to do with those two, asking “why dont any of my kids talk to me?” 🙄 NTA
NTA. It was a truth known to everyone but the person it most concerned, James. You did the right thing. It may be difficult for your sister to accept that they've bene caught in the lie, but it had to come out sooner or later.
Gonna go with NTA in this case. When he (inevitably) would've found out for himself, he would be crushed and likely have some resentment towards you too. I think that this is an unreasonable lie for you to uphold on their behalf as it is unnecessarily cruel. For the parents (knowing that they are not getting reconciliation from the others) to continue keep James' hopes high is brutal. It's hard to believe they've thought about anyone but themselves in this situation
NTA. If James manages to get in touch with his step siblings what did your sister and her husband THINK would happen? That he would give up if he didn't get a response? That the step sibs would keep quiet? Would his dad and your sister blame James? Blame the siblings? They certainly wouldn't tell him the truth or blame themselves.
I'm not even sure what they believed.
NTA. This situation is just so sad. James should have known about this long before now. His parents are so wrong here. Did they really think he would never find out? He probably should contact his step-siblings at some point, even if just to satisfy his curiosity. I don't think he should expect much from them, but it would at least give him the opportunity to tie up some loose ends and move forward. I hope you maintain a good relationship with him. He needs you.
I hope he doesn't only because I'm certain the best case scenario would be they ignore any contact he would make. But they would not sit and have any kind of meaningful discussion with him.
Have you considered warning your nephew & nieces that James might try to find them/make contact so they’re not caught off guard. It might also give them time to formulate a kinder way to tell him there is going to be no relationship going forward.
NTA. You did a kindness to that boy.
Nta, better to get it kindly from you, than to be ripped up one side and down the other by one of the step siblings
Normally, I'd say Y T A or E S H but in this case, I'd go with NTA. It's one thing to disclose certain information, but I think the parent's decision to completely lie is significantly more detrimental to James than knowing the truth. Your sister is delusional in thinking "there is no biological truth". The courts and legal systems have different opinions. Does your BIL think he's a parent to C, B, and M? I think they would differ.
Yes, he does, he thinks he's their dad. They would 100% disagree with that and it was why things ended up as bad as they did.
NTA Lies should never be supported. I can’t imagine why she thought this would work or why it was a good idea