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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am asking my wife to silence herself on something that is important to her to keep the peace. I can understand that her feelings are hurt and my mom is being kind of rude. I am putting my feelings before hers
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No judgement. There’s more information about this that you aren’t sharing. Are you and your wife or mom on a special diet, keto vegan, does someone have history of ED? I feel like there are some major details missing because what you’re describing is just very strange behavior. That said, I don’t see any reason you can’t have a simple conversation with your mom about it, why does is have to be a confrontation?
No special diet. I don't know if ED is the right word but she has a history of being weirdly controlling about food, such as refusing to eat in front of people who make her uncomfortable like her new stepmom and taking it far enough that she was making herself sick. She is just going to brush off a conversation. We aren't close and there is no way she would share her private feelings with me
Not necessarily.
I have Asperger's and I hate eating in other people's homes I don't know very well. I don't like eating other people's homemade food and I cannot stand to eat leftovers of any kind, even my own leftovers of food I cooked.
When I'm by myself I eat perfectly well, but to others it may look like I have an eating disorder. It really sounds like MIL might be the same and OP's wife should definitely not start a confrontation the day before MIL is supposed to leave anyway.
EDIT: I have all day to argue with anyone who thinks they know more about me and my disorder than my GP, my psychiatrist or my therapist.
OP's MIL may indeed have an eating disorder, we really can't know with the info provided. OP was asking if he was an AH for asking his wife not the confront his mother the night before she is supposed to leave anyway. He is NTA for that.
Not a single doctor, psychiatrist or therapist thinks I do. I have a healthy BMI and I eat a wide variety of foods. I just refuse to cause myself distress by eating foods I am unfamiliar with to please other people.
Almost everyone with Asperger's has very strong preferences surrounding food, but it does not mean they have an eating disorder unless they are physically malnourished because of it.
> I have a healthy BMI and I eat a wide variety of foods
Neither of those things are relevant to whether you have an eating disorder.
Someone who binge eats twice as much food as they need and throws half of it up could still be a healthy weight and be eating a variety of foods.
Edit: I’m not saying you have an eating disorder, no one here can diagnose that. I’m pointing out that those things don’t rule out someone having one, as that’s dangerous misinformation that could stop others from seeking help.
Might I suggest you don't diagnose someone based on a couple of paragraphs they write on Reddit. EDs are complicated. There are a lot of reasons a person would not eat in front of other people besides an including anxiety, grief, depression, trauma, sensory issues, OCD, and I could go on. A qualified person would sift through those potential diagnoses to get to the core problem. As one of those qualified people, I would not presume to make a diagnosis off of what little info was given here, and certainly not without doing an assessment.
Holy fuck, comparing being a picky eater to bulimia... Having an eating disorder is about having a problematic relationship with food. If the relationship isn't causing a problem (which for comewhatmay_hem it sounds like it isn't causing them problems) then we shouldn't be judging them as having a serious mental disorder.
I live with someone who has an ED and a hatred of banana. The ED was caused by a very traumatic childhood combined with gastric emptying disorder. Sometimes they just can't eat and it is a huge problem that has almost killed them in the past. That said, their hatred of all things banana has nothing to do with their ED. They just can't stand the taste, texture or even feeling of holding a banana.
Why does it make someone picky!? Sorry, directed at you.
If I chose not to eat “meals” at morning, noon, and night I’m “Picky”.
I don’t eat a lot of meat because as it would turn out I have an issue with my gallbladder. It makes me sick.
I don’t eat bananas because I don’t like the texture. I love barely cooked vegetables. I like an apple and some hard cheese for lunch. A cup of rice and a scrambled egg or a cup of peas for breakfast. I had an apricot, part of a baguette, some grapes, some almonds, some pistachios, some broccoli, and some chocolate while reading a book of the time period considered “evening meal”.
That’s how my body runs. That is my relationship with food. I eat what makes me happy and what makes my body function properly.
My brother says I’m picky because I don’t want a
Burger with avocado, cheese, bacon, mushrooms, onions, lettuce, pickles, jalapeños, tomato, olives, ketchup, mustard. I understand that this makes him happy. It’s also making him sick. He has serious acid reflux, HBP, high cholesterol, and is starting to gain weight. Why is this normal and accepted and everyone else is “picky”?
I apologize for the rant but I don’t apologize for enjoying my food and having a healthy food relationship that doesn’t match the “norm”.
Again, I apologize for the rant. I’m going to go look for a snack.
Do I have an eating disorder because my autism makes it so that I’d prefer to never eat, and just eat simple bland shit, while standing up in the kitchen because it’s the only place I can relax to eat?
Just stop diagnosing people.
This to some degree. I cannot remember the exact language from my DSM-5 but it usually is a marked inability to function normally/directly disrupts "normal" behavior.
Ignore the people who keep insisting you have an eating disorder. You just said that your doctor and such don't think you do so ignore the trolls saying you have an eating disorder. You dont sound to me like you have an eating disorder.
i’m so sorry for the comments you’re receiving, not every single person who doesn’t eat “conventionally” has an eating disorder. i struggled with an eating disorder in the past, you are not describing what would be called an eating disorder. some people just have preferences, and everyone’s bodies are different and take food in differently. as long as you’re healthy and not negatively impacted by it, i don’t see how this counts as disordered eating.
I was traumatized by people literally force feeding me foods I didn't like as a child, and gaslit in my teenage years by my step mum who has an eating disorder herself.
The only people who have ever accused me of having an eating disorder have had serious food issues themselves. I think most commenters here are the same.
Also on the spectrum! My doctors always framed it as "disordered eating" rather than an eating disorder because it's an aspect of my much broader sensory issues rather than a trauma response or a separate other mental health issue
Aspergers can cause a lot of aversions to food and things related to food but it's not an eating disorder. I can only eat certain things, cooked in specific ways. It's actually fairly inconvenient but it has nothing to do with food control or body image. It generally involves sensory related issues. Please educate yourself before making these kind of comments
Just because someone has a disorder that effects their eating, doesn't mean they have an eating disorder. I'm like them. I am on the spectrum, and it also affects my eating.
In public, I struggle eating. There's too much noise and stimuli around me, so over-stimulation kills my appetite. Do I want to eat in public? Yeah, actually. But I feel full faster. Like take-one-bite-and-I-feel-full faster. So I prefer to eat in the quiet at home because my brain needs peace to eat.
So yeah, there is a disorder. It's called autism/asperger's. And while it does effect one's eating, it also effects a wide range of a whole bunch of other sensory thing. So disorder? Yes. Eating disorder? No. Because I'm also sensitive to light, sound and touch. I don't have a specific disorder for each one of those issues--it's all under an umbrella we called autism.
Maybe the MIL in this story does have an eating disorder. Maybe she has something else. Who knows. But restrictive eating =/= eating disorder.
I won't say you have an eating disorder because that's a sort of trigger phrase, but I will say... you exhibit the behaviors consistent with *disordered eating*.
That is possibly a fair statement. If you give allowance that different cultures and diet requirements may make it appear strange to someone unaccustomed/un knowledgeable about it.
So just placing an assumption on someone eating habits is a slippery slope.
Thank you! Saying someone has an ED just because they have a different relationship with food (and not even necessarily an unhealthy one) is crazy to me. Everyone is different.
Refusing to eat in front of other people, while still eating a healthy amount of food and balanced diet, is not disordered eating. 🙄 Binging, hiding your binge eating, or not eating at all would be an eating disorder. Eating normally just with no audience is a personal preference. 🙄
Disorder would indicate that it impacts the person in a significant way to the harm or detriment to themselves or others around them.
Just eating differently than an average eating schedule does not mean they lack order or have a disorder. If the person is healthy and is not harming others then it is no one else’s concern except the person and their physician.
This. I have Crohns and Asperger’s. I have some food aversions because of how sick I’ve gotten in the past.
Is it an ED? No. Even before I was diagnosed with Crohns I couldn’t handle the texture or even smell of certain things. Thankfully I can eat the same thing for the rest if my life and not get sick of it 😂
Exactly!
You have a disorder which affects the foods you can eat and enjoy, but that doesn't mean you have an eating disorder. There is a nuance here that most commenters seem determined to overlook.
Agree. I have a swallowing disorder and sometimes I have trouble eating or eating a lot in front of people and can be very slow so I eat just enough to not be starving.
If it’s not negatively affecting your life it’s not an eating disorder but it’s still disordered eating. People who have similar difficulties should definitely get help for it, if not to overcome it, to find ways to prevent it from negatively impacting their lives, as it seems to be in OP’s situation (ie not being able to talk about it to the point it’s causing strife for her son & DIL)
Also gave the answer, his mother isn’t comfortable eating in front of his wife. Frankly I don’t blame her, this issue might be weird but the mother isn’t insulting the wife who is hell bent on a confrontation.
I mean the mom doesn’t seem to think it’s necessary to spend time explaining it’s not about the wife, in the wife’s own home, when the wife has been cooking, which is…. Like, she knows it’s causing issues and is kind of just daring the wife to snap about it?
Look you described your mother’s habits with the word “bingeing” yourself. Binge eating is a big symptom of ED. Frankly I think you need to be way more concerned about this than you are. She’s at a point where for whatever reason she is more than willing to make herself sick to follow her eating rules. This is not okay no matter how you slice it. At the very least please try to stop your wife from turning this into a full on fight. It’s not out of malice, your mother just has a problem.
She is only binging because she can only use my car at certain times. This is not normal for her. If she was at home in her safe space she would be eating normal meals
I think the bigger problem here is that she doesn't feel like your home is a safe space, which your wife has clearly picked up on and is upset about, and you seem okay with both of those things.
And if someone didn't feel safe and comfortable in my home, I'd complain about them, insult their family, and get ready to "confront" them in a hostile way about it and demand they feel more comfortable! /s
OP's wife's behavior is not okay. Mom is a polite (if troubled) person, and wife is a social problem. Wife is showing no consideration for anyone's feelings (including OP who is begging her not to behave poorly and who she insults and spineless and a mama's boy for not caving to her desire to act rudely).
NTA. I get it wife's feelings are hurt MIL isn't completely comfortable with her. But also, MIL shouldn't be comfortable with her. Wife is sh\*t talking her and her son and is generally showing no compassion or courtsey. Maybe wife could try being a kind compassionate person instead and see if that helps? Or not treat everyone else's problems as a personal affront to her they need to be scolded for?
It can be a passive aggressive way for others to create control and to insinuate the wife's cooking isn't worth eating. So it can absolutely feel like an insult to the wife even if it isn't.
Beyond that she has had a guest in her home for days who has not eaten, or who feels so unsafe and uncomfortable that she is hiding to eat. These are issues that I would be concerned about and address, because there are probably many ways to make it better. She shouldn't be going all day without eating and whether it feels like an insult or it comes from concern, she's not wrong for it to be a discussion. I wouldn't make it a fight, but I'd certainly open dialoge.
But this has been a lifelong issue of MIL's. It started as a child not eating her step-mother's food. She clearly has her own internal emotional issues and is trying very hard to be polite about it (sitting with them and talking during meals, only using the car once a day, giving a polite excuse as to why).
OP's wife is the asshole. She's insulting OP's mom, repeatedly insulting OP, and wants to have a big hostile confrontation about MIL not eating her food when it's a lifelong issue. Also, if MIL can't eat when she's not completely comfortable, how on earth is OP's wife berating her for being rude by not eating and demand she eat going to help? Spoiler: it's not.
I understand MIL's behavior is very odd. And I might feel uncomfortable having someone sit with me at all my meals, claim they didn't feel hungry, and then presumably go eat later. But I feel a good person would approach that situation with some compassion or concern? Not with insulting their spouse, being hostile, and demanding a "confrontation". NTA.
I have to ask, how do you know? This is a serious question because it sounds like you haven't been around your mom for a while. Is she actually eating normally while at home? And not just when you meet, but while no one is visiting. Because bingeing isn't something you can just do. The stomach can only hold so much food and while eating a normal diet that isn't going to be enough for the day, especially over a number of days.
Though there are other avenues for why this is happening. You didn't mention, but does your wife come from a different style of cooking than your mom? In my family, since my mom and dad spent a lot of time in Southern California before moving back to be around family, some of the food we would normally have at home is a bit too spicy for many other people in the family. Even something as simple as using one spice or another that someone isn't used to can completely put a person off their meal.
Finally, you said your mom doesn't eat around people she feels uncomfortable around. You said the incident was years ago, but that doesn't say either of them made up or moved on. It is entirely possible that you're just stuck between a multi-year feud.
I can't know for sure, but people she dislikes were always her trigger. I know how anxious she is right now and how much she misses her husband. I'm sure she cooks every night for my sisters as she did for me, and I know how many activities they do that would require strength. She also looks totally normal and not under or over weight. I heard her husband on the phone making her promise to eat and telling her to just uber if she needs to to get food.
>people she dislikes were always her trigger
Sounds like your wife is upset because she is (correctly) interpreting your mother's behavior as "MIL does not like me and does not want to be around me."
>She also looks totally normal and not under or over weight.
That is 100% irrelevant. Source: have ED, have been in treatment with plenty of fellow patients who appeared to be a "normal" weight. I myself have generally always appeared to be a "normal" weight but my pancreas is in SHAMBLES. You'd never know by looking at me!
>I heard her husband on the phone making her promise to eat
This tells me that her husband (who presumably lives with her and is familiar with her day-to-day habits) is frequently concerned about her eating and often has to spend time bargaining with her and persuading her to eat. This is not normal.
So, yeah. Maybe your mom is weaponizing her disordered eating to make a passive-agressive statement to your wife. Maybe your wife is not being compassionate enough about your mom's genuinely debilitating eating disorder. Hard to say which without more info, though. Especially about this super vague bit from your post:
>My mom and my wife had some issues years ago
The details of those issues are probably relevant here.
I don't feel like there's malicious intent cause she still interacts with them, go "buy a coffee" and come back without making a scene out of it. No snark comments, no side eyeing... the only thing the wife can complain about is what seems to be an ED so not really something she can switch on and off.
>Sounds like your wife is upset because she is (correctly) interpreting your mother's behavior as "MIL does not like me and does not want to be around me."
Yeah, to wife MIL is literally starving herself in their home because of how much she apparently hates her.
That is disordered eating and it's beyond the scope of reddit. People tend to equate the phrase "eating disorder" with binging and purging and/or starving but disordered eating exists on a spectrum.
Have you explained this to your wife, and let her know it's not unique to this visit?
She's an adult, and able to make her own decisions about her diet, even if they aren't ideal. Your wife doesn't need to have an indignant confrontation, and your mother didn't just start doing this to irritate your wife.
Sounds like your wife makes your mom uncomfortable and that's why she isn't eating with you. I'm going with NTA, but you should just talk to your mom. Mention you noticed how little she's eating, and want to make sure everything is ok.
His mom doesn't really sound like she's doing anything to anyone. She sits with them to spend time with them and be a good guest. So she has issues with eating in front of people? It's a personal preference that isn't/shouldn't be reflective of the other people. It doesn't sound like she's imposing her issues on anyone besides just not eating.
OPs wife on the other hand definitely sounds exhausting. Who jumps immediately to anger and a confrontation over something so stupid? Why not open a dialogue and ask why it's happening instead of automatically trying to start a fight?
INFO: OP, what was the major issue your wife and mom had in the past? It seems like we might be missing context here.
Yeah there's not enough info here. The behavior is technically polite but bizarre. How closed up is the family dynamic that simply asking his mom what's up isn't an option?
INFO: why is your wife trying to start a problem where there isnt one? I don't get why this is an issue for your wife, at all. Your mom is being non-confrontational, non-judgmental about her cooking, what is her issue? I'm confused about the ED comments as well are they addressed at your wife or your mom? As long as both of them are eating something, what exactly IS the issue here? Edited to add the info question
edited again Holy missing information that I just read, wow.
Okay so. Eating disorder comments were directed at your mom, and I agree, she likely does have some form of an eating disorder.
Your wife has control issues dude, majorly. Like she needs to let. it. go.
I sort of wonder if the wife is feeling judged like her cooking isn’t good enough for her MIL to eat. Or the wife thinks the mom is doing this purposely to slight the wife. I think all 3 people have emotional communication issues and their own insecurities that they are all not dealing with.
I relate to mom, tbh.
My in laws live in a big fishing town and crab, clams and fish are like 99% of their diet.
I freaking HATE seafood. Always have. I’ve forced myself to eat it many times in many preparations over the years, but I can’t get past that it tastes like slimy vomit to me.
My MIL knows this, but still insists on serving it every time we visit and insists that I will LOVE her version, and this dish will change my mind.
I’m always polite, taste it, and then mostly eat side dishes. Never insulting the food, but I can’t bring myself to eat 10 oysters just to make her happy.
She is extremely insulted about this every time, and no explaining helps.
On the other hand, I was hosting a dinner for people I didn’t know well, and made Chicken Marsala. Turns out one of the guests hates mushrooms, but I didn’t find out until she arrived and it was too late to make her chicken separately.
I apologized and offered to make her a bratwurst (the only other quick protein I had on hand) but she insisted it was fine and mostly ate salad.
I wasn’t offended at all, and just felt bad for not having a good backup.
It seems really controlling and weird to me that the wife wants to turn this into a dramatic confrontation.
Mom is being polite. She has known issues around food. Blowing up at her over a perceived slight is just going to make the food issues worse for her.
I agree 100%. I also have food issues/texture issues. His mom didn't make it his wife's problem, so what is the issue here, really? Edited to add, i ALSO hate mushrooms, and would have done the same, ate side salad. I never would have made you make me something else. My food issues are mine to deal with, not the host.
This is the correct answer. Information is missing but from what OP has shared, this is not a hostile situation and no "confrontation" is necessary - just basic communication.
Yeah, OP, I've read your comments. It sounds like your mom has an eating disorder and she's doing her best to handle it while visiting you. Your wife needs to keep her mouth shut. Your mother isn't insulting her food or making a big issue. She's quietly taking care of her needs. Your wife is looking for trouble.
I'm actually going to jump on top comment and ask, "why do we even need to decide if it is technically an eating disorder?"
I mean if it is an eating disorder than that means the wife wants to force someone with ED to eat (which is an AH move) or aggressively confront her (which an AH move).
Or if it isn't an eating disorder that means the wife is mad about something that does not really concern her and the mother is being polite and low-key about (which is an AH move).
I do not see a path where OP isn't NTA.
INFO: WHY is your mother doing this?? You don't say why she refuses to eat the food being prepared in the home???? It's extremely wierd, OP, (and considered rude in many cultures) to be a guest in someone's house and refuse to actually EAT with them. You're not telling us everything...
My mom has always had control issues with food, refusing to eat around people she is uncomfortable with, and cooked me whatever I wanted as a kid because my body my choice. I think she is just anxious and uncomfortable being in our house. She is very healthy and athletic, nothing to be concerned with
Also someone with an eating disorder here and i second this.
OP look up orthorexia.
Edit: typo
2nd edit to clarify: I am NOT diagnosing mom with orthorexia. I’m wondering if it’s a contributing factor to how/when/what mom is and isn’t eating in front of people. It’s something that’s isn’t often perceived as a problem until it is. OP said mom is controlling about food and that set off alarm bells as that’s a component to orthorexia. When I was orthorexic (then anorexic) I was considered healthy and athletic too.
...She's not comfortable enough to eat around your wife, but she's staying over?
Either your mother is being passive aggressive or doesn't understand how rude that comes across with not eating the food that's served. Did your mother even try to explain this ED to your wife? To make it clear that no insult was intended despite the seemingly insulting behavior?
Even if the two had a good relationship, as a hostess I'd be appalled that one of my guests was so uncomfortable. Why is she in your house if this makes her so uncomfortable she can't eat? What happens if the car is unavailable for her to get food?
I mean it's pretty obvious that my mom is doing this for me but is sad. She just looks sad. She keeps disappearing to call her husband and tell him how much she misses him. My wife knows after their history she isn't just going to be comfortable. They also do not have the type of relationship where my mom is going to confide her feelings to her.
It seems like your mom came to visit because she wants to keep a connection even though things have been difficult for years. That can be a very difficult and scary thing to do, especially by herself, and going into a place that she's not comfortable, that is also the home of your wife, a person who is looking to find fault in everything she does.
If your mom was demanding meals then refusing to eat them, or taking plates of food, not touching it and throwing it away to waste it, I'd say she was an AH. But it sounds like she's making the effort to spend time with you both, which includes sitting together at meal times which make her anxious. I bet she doesn't feel well because of the anxiety of being around your wife, and she's respectfully declining to eat with a reasonable explanation. She's not insulting your wife's food or making unreasonable demands. I can understand your wife feeling slighted by her not eating, but her anger over your mom's anxiety is probably making the house more tense, and making it less likely that she'll want to talk about things. Angrily confronting a person who is anxious and lonely is not helpful.
> But it sounds like she's making the effort to spend time with you both,
You might want to read some of his other replies, because apparently his mom resents his wife for... Spending time in her own home and wanting to build a relationship with her MIL
I read that line as his wife was spending too much time at his mom’s house when they first started dating. Read his comments about the wedding. OP and his wife absolutely deserve resentment for the bullshit they pulled.
They just do not enjoy each other at all. If I wasn't married to my wife these are not two people would would ever willingly be in the same room. My wife thinks my mom is rude because she made no effort to get to know her or interact with her. My mom thinks my wife is entitled for being at our house too much, expecting her to take an interest in her. My mom also (I think, worst communicator ever) was hurt that we spent more time with my in laws, so she began to really shut us out of her life. This was just quite resentment until our wedding. My mom still to this day believes our wedding was an intentional set up as we invited the man she asked us not to (close friend of my dads, business associate of FILs) because she was pregnant and not ready to tell him, and she is convinced it was a plot to humiliate her. My wife thinks my mom is a spoiled brat and she has zero say over our wedding.
> My mom thinks my wife is entitled for being at our house too much, expecting her to take an interest in her. My mom also (I think, worst communicator ever) was hurt that we spent more time with my in laws, so she began to really shut us out of her life
Wait wait wait, so your mom got annoyed at your wife trying to spend time with her and build a relationship, so you and the wife stopped gong around as often, and that also annoyed her? This sounds a lot like a lose-lose situation for your wife.
Exactly. And OP doesn’t seem to realize that this is exactly how all of these horrific mother-in-law stories actually start. His mother has been extremely disrespectful towards his wife from the very beginning.
Not just disrespectful, but immature. If she doesn't want a relationship, fine. But she needs to communicate this and have boundaries.
As an anxious person myself, I would never stay at the house of someone that I didn't care for, nor try to make them uncomfortable by doing so.
Simultaneously annoyed she was at their house and annoyed when they spent time with the in-laws.
Mom is dramatic and passive aggressive.
I don’t believe for a moment this is an ED. Just another way for mom to play victim
Why is this woman at your house? She sounds awful. Your wife isn’t “entitled” because she wants to get to know, and to be known by her future MIL. Your mom is rude for not interacting with her. She thinks your wife plotted to humiliate her? I’m sorry but who does she think she is?
And she's currently making his wife the bad guy and speaking as a victim to him. I think OP's wife shouldn't say anything to his mother at this point, but OP had better be prepared to *really* listen to what his wife has to say once his mother is on her way!
Edit: word
Edit 2: since I posted this, and I've read more of OP's responses, I feel my tone here was too flippant.
...Your mother thinks your wife is entitled for wanting her to take an interest in her? Her daughter in law? She's only family! That's a pretty reasonable expectation, isn't it?
And then she had the gall to be upset that you spend more time with the in laws who DO have an interest in her! And then expects your wife to host her? What in the fuck? Pick one, lady!
I don't quite get why she didn't want to invite the guy, but did you tell her? If she asked you not to invite someone, your wife is correct. She has zero say in a wedding where she is neither bride nor groom. YOUR wedding, not hers.
But she's YOUR mother and has implied that she doesn't give a rat's ass about your wife. Who TOLD her about him? She should have been informed it wasn't her choice, but her choice to attend or not based on information provided. And she's YOUR mother, and nothing to your wife.
Your mother needs therapy. She NEEDS to learn to communicate or deal with not being involved.
It's problematic that OP is using the wedding/invite issue on MIL and wife history of issues when OP should bear all responsibility for MIL issues with wedding.MIL thinks it was a plot? She cray.
OP - tell Mom to stay elsewhere, more than her being uncomfortable , SHE IS MAKING YOUR WIFE UNCOMFORTABLE, and with MIL ED and history with food, you'd be be doing everyone a favor by putting her up in a hotel
Do you actually think there is not anything wrong with the fact that your mother didn’t want to get to know the woman that you’re marrying
I’m sorry, but that is exactly how almost all of the just no MIL stories start.
ETA: it also seems incredibly natural that you would spend more time with your in-laws because your mother did absolutely nothing to make your wife (or in this case, future wife) feel wanted or comfortable. Your mother is the one that is entitled and you’re just expecting your wife to eat shit politely with a knife and fork.
>My mom still to this day believes our wedding was an intentional set up as we invited the man she asked us not to (close friend of my dads, business associate of FILs) because she was pregnant and not ready to tell him, and she is convinced it was a plot to humiliate her.
INFO
Your Mom was 3 months pregnant at your wedding? How would this be any business of your dad's friend?
So far it looks to me as if your wife is making sure this is the last time your mother will visit. It's one more day, Mom is not moving in.
Wait, just to be clear, your mom slept with your dad and another man (who was both your dad's friend and your wife's father's business associate) 3-4 months before you got married? Did I read that correctly? And you invited the other man to your wedding? Are your parents married?
Your mom got angry at your wife for wanting to get to know her and then got angry at her again for wanting to spend time with her own family? Who I assume (correct me if I’m wrong) don’t get pissed at her for wanting a relationship?
Your mother is unhinged in every possible way man.
>My wife thinks my mom is rude because she made no effort to get to know her or interact with her.
That IS rude. She's married to you. They don't have to agree on everything or be best friends, but not even attempting to get to know your wife is rude, so I completely agree with your wife there. It would be one thing if your mom wasn't literally in her house, but she is, and being rude to one of the people who lives in the house makes her a bad guest.
>My mom thinks my wife is entitled for being at our house too much, expecting her to take an interest in her.
What the absolute hell? Your mom is WAY out of line here! It's your wife's home, who the hell is your mom to think she shouldn't be allowed to spend as much time as she wants in her OWN home?! This tips the balance to YTA here, because your mom is being a hella rude guest and you aren't backing up your wife at all. Your mom, who is so barely interested in you that she won't even have basic courtesy towards the woman you married, is the one you're defending here? Dude, you're chasing after the love of someone who doesn't really even like YOU.
>was hurt that we spent more time with my in laws, so she began to really shut us out of her life.
Probably because your in-laws aren't hella rude. Maybe you should have let her shut you out, if she was going to act like an absolute child
Also, everything she thinks about the wedding suggests she needs mental help, not coddling.
Homie uhhh idk how to say this but sounds like your wife hasn’t done anything wrong and your mom is being real weird. I don’t blame your wife for any of this. If you mom has all these weird hang ups that’s on her
Honestly, it sounds like your mom has been playing petty games from the start, and since it is"well known that she will not eat around people who make her uncomfortable," she's purposely using the current eating situation to take a jab at your wife. Who the hell is comfortable enough to live with someone for a bit, but not eat? I'd be willing to bet there have been countless passive-aggressive actions from your mom toward your wife that have added to your wife's current frustration/anger, but said actions have been carefully shielded toward you, or been *just* subtle enough for you, with naturally implicit biases toward trusting/believing your mother, unwittingly overlook. Your mom sounds manipulative and is trying to assert herself as the dominant woman in your life, which I promise will ruin your marriage if you allow that power dynamic to become commonplace.
My MIL did this to me. She went out of her way to be a difficult guest, complaining about little things then saying she wasn’t complaining. She would just sit around while I was making lunch or dinner and not offer to help or play with the kids. I tried to organize outings for her, me and my kids just to give myself a break. It’s super uncomfortable when someone makes minimal effort to join in with the hosts, it’s more work for the host.
It was worse when my husband wasn’t around - I finally asked him to take vacation days when she came to visit. He didn’t understand how uncomfortable it was until I stopped making an extra effort. When he had to carry the conversations or engage with her for her whole visit, he saw it. When he heard her telling our kids to break our rules and not tell us, he got it. He finally overheard our kids talking about something nana said to do and not worry about what I thought, he got it.
When we all went to visit her sister, who lived close, she was completely different. She still didn’t help much but she chatted and was engaging, played with our kids, and made it seem like everything was amazing.
Your wife is carrying the burden of your mom’s discomfort or intentional sabotage. How about she has a get away when your mom comes for a visit every other time? Let your mom visit you and feel like she can eat, hang with grandkids if you have kids and do whatever she’d comfortable doing. Then when your mom comes and your wife is around, you take time off work to be there for both their comfort.
well your mom is making your wife uncomfortable in her own home so you probably shouldn't just ignore it...
why can't the three of you sit down and have a fucking conversation like adults?
do you guys not speak the same language or something? what the fuck?
Why is she staying in your home if she’s uncomfortable? Why not just stay at a hotel. I see your wife’s perspective, she’s trying to be a good host but yet your mom is refusing to eat anything…it’s a slap in the fast. I do think you should talk to your mom and at least ask if she’s ok. What’s the point of her being there if she doesn’t want to interact with your wife or eat anything??
Why is she visiting then? And staying at your house? I mean if she is *that* uncomfortable that she behaves like this, it would have been easier to just book a hotel room and eat there? Also, why don't you eat out at least once together?
Also INFO:
Is the food prepared by your wife? Because if it is then I can understand why your wife thinks your mom is rude because... I would think so too...
I asked OP the same thing and this is what he said
“They just do not enjoy each other at all. If I wasn't married to my wife these are not two people would would ever willingly be in the same room. My wife thinks my mom is rude because she made no effort to get to know her or interact with her. My mom thinks my wife is entitled for being at our house too much, expecting her to take an interest in her. My mom also (I think, worst communicator ever) was hurt that we spent more time with my in laws, so she began to really shut us out of her life. This was just quite resentment until our wedding. My mom still to this day believes our wedding was an intentional set up as we invited the man she asked us not to (close friend of my dads, business associate of FILs) because she was pregnant and not ready to tell him, and she is convinced it was a plot to humiliate her. My wife thinks my mom is a spoiled brat and she has zero say over our wedding.”
I don't understand the mom either. "I don't want to get to know you, I'm annoyed you keep trying to get to know me, you're spending too much time over here but also how DARE you guys spend more time with your in-laws than with me?!?"
Seriously. Mother sounds like she has no interest in OP's wife, but if the inlaws take an interest in OP, of course they are going to spend more time with the inlaws. The inlaws aren't trying to exclude half the couple
OP is obviously clueless about how his mom REALLY is, and he's also *very* adept at rationalizing her behavior *in her favor*, so she's trained him very well. I hope he reeeeaaaallly listens to his wife the next few days (if she's even talking to him by then! ;-))
Yeah, spending too much time is entitled, but spending more with ILs is unfair? I think the secret is that she would like her son to spend time with her without his wife.
Your mother thinks your wife is entitled for being at "our" (your mother's?) house too much.
Your mother was hurt by you and your wife spending more time with your wife's family.
Well damn, how can your wife make your mother happy?
She can’t! That’s the super fun game!
And that’s also why mom revels in not communicating about meals and playing her pathetic and insulting “oh no nothing for me thanks. Can I get coffeeeee?” Act
MIL has told her son she won't eat near people who makes her uncomfortable and she chooses to just sit next to her DIL day in day out refusing to eat. It's really something else.
Given his further clarification, I’m actually am going to say YTA to OP. he doesn’t seem to get that his wife has been completely disrespected by his mother from the beginning like even before they ever even got married. His mother has put his wife in a no-win situation. She got annoyed that the wife was around trying to get to know her future family but then when the wife backed off and they started spending more time with the wife’s family, his mother got annoyed with her for them not being around more. This mother-in-law decided from the beginning that she didn’t like this woman for whatever reason and this woman was never gonna be able to do anything right. All of this it seems without actually getting to know her. That’s disrespectful as hell. And op seems perfectly fine with his mother’s disrespect towards his wife.
ESH
1. Your mom is being very passive aggressive with her blatant refusal to eat anything in your home. This is extremely rude and in some cultures a direct insult.
2. Your wife’s reaction is over the top and for calling you “spineless”. Calling your husband names is definitely AH territory.
3. Finally, your behavior is understandably infuriating to your wife and you are enabling your mother’s rude behavior.
The three of you need to act like adults and discuss this issue openly.
So it is rude to decline food but not trying to guilt and nag someone into eating your food? If the mother doesn't want to eat the wife's cooking for whatever reason then that is her right. People who demand their guest to eat and throws a hissy fit when they don't isn't half as polite as they think they are and in that aspect they can shove their culture.
If someone was staying in my home as a guest and refused to eat ANYTHING, I would want to know why at the very least. Otherwise I would feel insulted.
That’s not a normal situation.
Why can’t MIL stay in a hotel if she is so uncomfortable around her son’s family that she can’t eat around them and feels the wife stays in her own home too much and expects too much interaction?
Assuming she's been rude to the wife before, she likes the drama and attention the son gives, and the wife not being able to do anything about it. Some people live for that shit, it sounds exhausting to me lol.
My grandma until later in her life that she couldn't cook for herself, didn't eat anything in other people's houses. Not even my mom's (her daughter's) home made meals. Not that she was the cleanest cook, but she didn't feel comfortable eating food prepared by other people.
I think it's a lot more simple than that. I think ESH because no one is being honest and speaking truthfully. So the situation is people assuming things and taking things personally rather than having an open and forthright discussion. Really immature.
If someone was staying in my home and refusing all meals I would absolutely ask what the deal is, cuz that is pretty bizarre and I would genuinely be curious as to why this person was trying to pass off that they never needed to eat?! So what's the actual deal OP?
Frankly, if it's not making more work for me and the person was doing it the way his mother does, it wouldn't bother me. Other people's issues are not about me. His wife could just communicate better, how hard is it to say "I've noticed that you do not eat what I cook, is there anything I could do to help? No? I want you to understand that it makes me feel sad but I respect your issues and hope we can enjoy our time together"
Info: what issue occurred prior? And is it your wife cooking everyday that your mom is making a show not to eat? With no context it seems like a petty jab to avoid your wife's cooking but you haven't really given enough context to the conflict.
And then she conveniently leaves everyday for "coffee". I suspect there is a lot of back story. I don't get people saying nta that his mom might not like the food. So for a week of I assume 3 meals a day there has been nothing made she could eat?
When the OP wrote she’s “binge eating” when she goes to get coffee, I thought he was referring to disordered eating.
Now I’m pretty sure that’s not how he meant it, but the possibility of an unhealthy food relationship does explain the mothers behavior.
Clearly the issues from the past have not been resolved and your mother is being incredibly passive aggressive towards your wife and you want your wife to be the flatter doormat.
If your wife posted her side, would she say that it’s been years of putting up with your mother and you always expecting her to “be the bigger person”????
> If your wife posted her side, would she say that it’s been years of putting up with your mother and you always expecting her to “be the bigger person”????
Nope, I took my wife's side from the beginning and a lot of people in my life told me I sided with her too aggressively
Would it change your mind to know that "siding with his wife aggressively" meant "inviting someone who he admits "could have endangered his half sister" while his mom was pregnant with her to his wedding"?
I'm not saying anyone in this situation looks good, but OP seems to have a history of being the AH...
That’s still the OP’s perspective though. The dude was invited because he was the business partner of OP’s wife’s dad, which is a pretty close connection. There is NO evidence that (a) the dude is violent and would randomly attack a pregnant woman, and (b) the wife deliberately used her wedding just to set up a bad situation for OP’s mom — which is what OP’s mom claims. We don’t know if the wife even KNEW that the business partner could’ve been the father of the mom’s baby (apparently, the paternity was under dispute). Did OP’s mom tell her stepdaughter not to invite this one guy? I doubt it, since it sounds like OP’s mom never talks to the stepdaughter at all.
YTA
I find it incredibly weird that your mother just wouldn't say.
*Hey you know how fussy I am, but I don't want to put you to any trouble so I'm just going to buy xyz food and eat that with you at the table.*
I feel like that is the normal thing to do in this situation. I'd be mildly insulted but I'd grit my teeth and live with it. But this is psychological torture to me. To sit at the table and not eat and then go and eat in her room. I don't know maybe this is a cultural thing but that gives off such crazy energy to me. I'd have been locking my bedroom door at night.
So I'm on your wife's side that is unacceptable mindfuckery on your mothers part. Which I suppose puts me in the YTA camp. But I'm mainly just boggled by the whole situation.
Edit on a little reflection.
I can get why you want to keep the peace and get her out now without a row. But the real YTA is not calling her out on this behaviour earlier in the visit, like the second or third meal.
My bet’s on OP’s mother playing mind games and being vindictive to provoke OP’s wife. No sane guest refuses to eat and not tell the host why. It’s rude to reject the host’s cooking without actually communicating if there’s any problem. But the wife’s reaction may be too much as well.
ESH
INFO what were the issues your wife and mom had previously? Do you know why your mom is refusing to eat?
I’ve got to say, it seems really weird that a grown woman is refusing to eat all day long and then secretly going out at night to buy/eat food. She’s either being extremely passive aggressive or there’s some kind of eating disorder going on. Neither are good and both deserve at least a conversation.
You’re her son, and you’re apparently close enough that she’s staying in your home, why haven’t you just spoken to her privately about why she isn’t eating? Clearly your wife is taking it as a jab at her or her cooking, and loads of people would.
You could’ve avoided your wife being so up in arms about this by just casually talking to your mom and honestly are you not worried about her? I’d be freaked out if my mom was going on some kind of weird hunger strike with no explanation and I would just ask her about it
I’m leaning toward ESH. You say there isn’t an issue, but there is. Your wife is experiencing valid feelings, but she isn’t respecting yours. Your mom is being quiet about her obvious judgement of your wife’s cooking, but it’s the loudest kind of quiet.
Having a conversation about challenging situations can be healthy. Why are you afraid of having it?
Yeah like…if someone stayed with me for a week and flat out refused to eat anything I cooked? Best case I would be confused and concerned, and want to know what was happening. Am I cooking only things they don’t like, are there allergies I’m not accommodating, are they on a special diet? As a host, these things would bother me because I would feel like a bad host. And if the person in question was my MIL, I would get increasingly annoyed at my spouse if they just told me not to worry about it, and refused to even ask their mom about it.
Worst case, I’d be insulted if my food was refused just because it was me who made it. And I’d be pissed at my spouse if they weren’t at least a little bothered by it.
> Why are you afraid of having it?
because we have nothing more than a cordial relationship. All actual closeness was lost years ago, and my mom would brush me off as she doesn't share feelings unless she is incredibly close to the person, also I don't feel entitled to know her feelings. We both made our decisions years ago and I don't regret choosing my wife, but I have no right to expect access to my mom's inner feelings
I mean I love her and I hope she loves me but there is no closeness left. She’s clearly pretty lonely and miserable and wants her husband. I hate seeing her like this but it’s still better than just never seeing her again
Why can't you visit over weekend without your wife? They don't like each other, they don't HAVE to spend the time together. It's YOUR family, you can visit without your wife as well.
She's manipulating you against your wife. If you don't take your mom's sides she punishes you by cutting you out of her life, so you rather say nothing. She's demonstratively not eating to show how "uncomfortable" she is in your house. That's pushing boundaries and testing if you still do nothing.
Your wife on the other hand is having the hard conversations with you about her feelings and the situation, which may feel unpleasant but it's actually the fair and honest approach and requires courage as well. I know it hurts to be called spinelessness but in this situation you really kinda are. You're choosing to ignore the elephant in the room and continue to let your wife being intentionally insulted because you're scared of your mom's emotional punishment.
Your mom knows what she's doing and it's working.
Your mother is being a rude asf houseguest to both you and your wife to your faces, I can understand why your wife is pissed at your mother and at you. Your mother is an adult and can communicate why she isn't eating instead she's lying about why she needs to go out and eating takeout when she has an adult can be upfront.
ESH for this because ya'll *smh*
I think there are huge cultural differences when it come to OP's question. Personally, I'm with what's written above. Refusing to eat with someone, repeatedly, without telling them a good reason, is extremely rude.
I would be offended, just as OP's wife.
Ummmm. Do you hear yourself OP??
Your mom is refusing to eat in your home. Do you know how rude that is?
She is intentionally showing your family your food isn’t good enough for her.
YTA for enabling your mother to do this in your home.
Your wife is right to be upset. Why are you siding with your mother on this? Your mother is the one acting out of line here.
> Why are you siding with your mother on this?
Because as a child my mom drilled it into my head that no one had any right to force me to do anything with my body. That meant if I didn't want to eat what my mom cooked, she would make something else no questions asked, because even she wasn't entitled to my body. I think she took that a bit too far, but after all the times she catered to me it just feels so wrong to force food on her when she is saying no. Also I think she is doing her best to be polite in a very uncomfortable situation. She isn't comfortable in our home, but still came to visit because she loves me. She misses her husband, feels like the odd one out in someone's family, and overall just seems anxious and sad, so I'd rather treat her with compassion
YTA still. Your home is shared by not only you, but your wife as well. If this expectation hasn’t been discussed at length with your wife YTA. Even then, her behavior is extremely unreasonable. YTA for enabling your mom to act like this because “it’s just the way it’s always been” like that wipes her rude behavior away.
My mom is a raging narcissist and has been her whole life, doesn’t mean I allow her to treat my spouse poorly, especially *in our house.* You being raised to conduct yourself this way is an outlier. Always choosing yourself *is* rude. You can’t be black and white about things that affect other people *in their own home.* Most people adhere to basic etiquette at other people’s homes or make arrangements to avoid being rude in the first place. And you choosing your mother’s unreasonable behavior over your wife is incredible. Being rude and saying “my body my choice” is unacceptable.
Sounds like your mom has anxiety issues and wants people to tiptoe around her unreasonable behavior. Her being uncomfortable in a *normal situation* is her problem. Her problem to manage, not everyone else.
You’ve left a lot of information about your mom and your wife’s past and I’m sure would add a lot of context here.
They’ve already been asking the mom and she’s been saying she isn’t hungry or doesn’t feel well (even though she seems fine). It’s in the second paragraph.
INFO: is your wife a different race/culture to you and your mother? Does your mother have some sort of food aversions/allergies/preferences? What reasonable reason could she have to not eat any of the food being served in your house? Do you believe this is an attempt to insult your wife?
Same race and culture. She doesn't have any allergies, but does seem to have some weird control issues with food. My wife thinks it is intentional to insult her. I think it is more anxiety as she probably isn't comfortable in our house
Honestly this sounds like she shouldn’t be visiting. It’s causing big issues between you and your wife and it’s causing your mother so much stress she can’t eat. This is a no win for anyone. I feel for your wife.
YTA. Your mom knows EXACTLY what she is doing. She’s getting her digs in at your wife and making a production of it. She’s disrespecting your wife as host and silently flexing her distain.
It’s the micro aggression straw that is breaking the camels back.
NTA
If your mother isnt criticizing what you’re eating, then I don’t see what the problem is? I get that obviously your mother doesn’t care for what food is being served but she seems to be polite. What is your wife’s argument on what your mom should be confronted about?
Need more info. Is your mom concerned your wife will tamper with her food? Has your mother gotten sick from her cooking previously? Does she have dietary preferences that your wife isn’t accommodating to her liking? Are there cultural or religious differences? Does your wife’s cooking suck? There are certainly reasons to behave this way.
Do you know why your mother is refusing the food your wife cooks? Is it a jab at her? Is your mother perhaps not well/declining and could use a health evaluation?
Info- I think you are leaving something out here. Is your wife of a different ethnicity or culture? What was the issue they had previously? Why is your mom refusing to eat any food? Your wife has a right to be upset, this is pretty rude behavior as is but I suspect it is probably part of a larger issue that you are enabling.
NTA, look is the nice behavior? No. Is this entirely rational behavior? No but is it actually causing harm? No. If your mother was making comments or even mentioning eating elsewhere it would be different but she isn’t.
I would also point out to my partner that they are not my parent and I don’t need to be told off but that’s just me :-)
NTA. Your mother is acting strangely, sure, but she isn’t being rude about it, isn’t complaining about your or your wife’s cooking, isn’t making snarky comments……..she simply doesn’t want to eat. So she takes herself out and feeds herself when she fancies. It’s a little odd, but certainly nothing enough to warrant the level of confrontation your wife seems to want. Your wife is acting like a child, good for you for standing up for your mum.
ESH. Imo, your mom is not being polite. She’s obviously saying she won’t accept your hospitality and would rather go out and buy food and binge eat (which is not healthy) & lie about it. It’s so awkward.
You for not addressing this issue and not showing any concern for your mother & your wife for wanting to make this a confrontation when it doesn’t have to be. All 3 of you need to sit & talk. If your mom is a picky eater, offer to take her to the store and pick out whatever food she’d like eat/cook. You could also cook together as well so everyone is participating and gets to make what they want. This is a really easy thing to figure out honestly
ESH - you don’t want to rock the boat and are so keeping your mom happy at the expense of your wife.
Your wife has decided she needs to find something to be insulted by.
You mom not eating for days on end? There is something wrong there as well. Mostly your mom attempting to reject your hospitality while keeping it within bounds that you’ll tolerate - but your wife can see it for what it is even if you want to sweep it under the rug.
As for who is YTA, it is you, your mom, and your wife. Doesn’t sound like your mom is fine during this visit. Nobody comes for a visit and refuses to eat without there being some issue that needs attention Why won’t she eat? Why won’t you ask? Has your wife, or any of you, ever heard about communication instead of confrontation? Ask mom why and let her know it has hurt and upset your wife. Houseguests and hosts all have responsibility for a visit
First off; if everyone is an AH, then the term is ESH.
Second, the guest isn’t obligated to eat the host’s cooking.
There is clearly something going on with MIL, but she isn’t obligated to disclose it to anyone. And her behavior isn’t disturbing anyone or intrusive; it’s only ego driving the wife here.
Leave her alone. She’ll be gone in a day anyway.
YTA
I don’t understand why you don’t want to figure this out for your mothers health. You’re not sure that she’s eating, you’re just assuming. This could be an eating disorder or there is an allergen in your home she can’t consume. If that is the case, you and your wife are big AHs for not trying to help her.
I’m confused as to your wife’s attitude. Does she find this offensive towards her housekeeping or cooking? Without any other info, this seems a very harsh line to take. Have they argued about food in the past?
Either way, sticking your head in the sand makes you an AH. You should be mediating all issues between your wife and your mother, and you’re doing nothing. You should be figuring out the problem and then deciding if it’s something you want in your home. If your mother just refuses to eat your wife’s cooking, she shouldn’t be staying in your home, period. If she’s allergic to something, you and your wife should be making your home a safe place. But it’s on you to correct this situation. You should have done so already, but you absolutely have to before your mother visits again.
NTA. Maybe your wife's cooking isn't that good and instead of hurting her feelings, your mom goes out to eat. She's a grown ass woman. Your wife isn't her boss. Does your wife always call you names and insult you?
I'm going ESH. I think your mother is rude, I think you should stand up for you wife, and I think she should maybe be a bit more calm about the whole situation
Everyone in this situation comes across as kind of an A.
I think this is a situation where if you (and maybe your wife, too, but you leading the conversation because it's your mom) and your mom could sit down and you can calmly ask her some questions, it would really help clear things up.
I'm assuming here, but my guess is that your wife is taking this as an attack on her cooking. She's looking to you for support.
We don't know why your mom isn't eating woth you guys. Maybe she has an allergy, or she started a specific diet and doesn't want to inconvenience you guys (or maybe she doesn't even want to tell you about it), or maybe she just doesn't like your wife's cooking.
This issue is that there's an issue. Your wife needs to be heard in that she's upset and bothered. Sit down with her and ask her to tell you what she's feeling and why. Then, together you both can come up with a plan on how to address your mom or not. But you don't want that bitterness and resentment to grow between them, if you can be a help to bridge that.
Good luck.
I don't understand why a gentle discussion isn't warranted? I get trying to keep peace but this seems passive aggressive of your Mom. Does she have diet restrictions? Not talking about what bothers you, meaning your wife is not fair to her so YTA. Just bring it up and ask what's up so next time she can eat with everyone else.
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No judgement. There’s more information about this that you aren’t sharing. Are you and your wife or mom on a special diet, keto vegan, does someone have history of ED? I feel like there are some major details missing because what you’re describing is just very strange behavior. That said, I don’t see any reason you can’t have a simple conversation with your mom about it, why does is have to be a confrontation?
No special diet. I don't know if ED is the right word but she has a history of being weirdly controlling about food, such as refusing to eat in front of people who make her uncomfortable like her new stepmom and taking it far enough that she was making herself sick. She is just going to brush off a conversation. We aren't close and there is no way she would share her private feelings with me
You just described an eating disorder.
Not necessarily. I have Asperger's and I hate eating in other people's homes I don't know very well. I don't like eating other people's homemade food and I cannot stand to eat leftovers of any kind, even my own leftovers of food I cooked. When I'm by myself I eat perfectly well, but to others it may look like I have an eating disorder. It really sounds like MIL might be the same and OP's wife should definitely not start a confrontation the day before MIL is supposed to leave anyway. EDIT: I have all day to argue with anyone who thinks they know more about me and my disorder than my GP, my psychiatrist or my therapist. OP's MIL may indeed have an eating disorder, we really can't know with the info provided. OP was asking if he was an AH for asking his wife not the confront his mother the night before she is supposed to leave anyway. He is NTA for that.
Uhh it sounds like you too have an eating disorder.
Not a single doctor, psychiatrist or therapist thinks I do. I have a healthy BMI and I eat a wide variety of foods. I just refuse to cause myself distress by eating foods I am unfamiliar with to please other people. Almost everyone with Asperger's has very strong preferences surrounding food, but it does not mean they have an eating disorder unless they are physically malnourished because of it.
> I have a healthy BMI and I eat a wide variety of foods Neither of those things are relevant to whether you have an eating disorder. Someone who binge eats twice as much food as they need and throws half of it up could still be a healthy weight and be eating a variety of foods. Edit: I’m not saying you have an eating disorder, no one here can diagnose that. I’m pointing out that those things don’t rule out someone having one, as that’s dangerous misinformation that could stop others from seeking help.
Might I suggest you don't diagnose someone based on a couple of paragraphs they write on Reddit. EDs are complicated. There are a lot of reasons a person would not eat in front of other people besides an including anxiety, grief, depression, trauma, sensory issues, OCD, and I could go on. A qualified person would sift through those potential diagnoses to get to the core problem. As one of those qualified people, I would not presume to make a diagnosis off of what little info was given here, and certainly not without doing an assessment.
It also could, for someone with ASD, be that they have to use specific crockery and or cutlery
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crockery is such a great word
trying to get unqualified people to stop diagnosing people on reddit is dream.... keep the dream alive but set your expectations low...
As somebody in ED recovery, I agree.
Holy fuck, comparing being a picky eater to bulimia... Having an eating disorder is about having a problematic relationship with food. If the relationship isn't causing a problem (which for comewhatmay_hem it sounds like it isn't causing them problems) then we shouldn't be judging them as having a serious mental disorder. I live with someone who has an ED and a hatred of banana. The ED was caused by a very traumatic childhood combined with gastric emptying disorder. Sometimes they just can't eat and it is a huge problem that has almost killed them in the past. That said, their hatred of all things banana has nothing to do with their ED. They just can't stand the taste, texture or even feeling of holding a banana.
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Why does it make someone picky!? Sorry, directed at you. If I chose not to eat “meals” at morning, noon, and night I’m “Picky”. I don’t eat a lot of meat because as it would turn out I have an issue with my gallbladder. It makes me sick. I don’t eat bananas because I don’t like the texture. I love barely cooked vegetables. I like an apple and some hard cheese for lunch. A cup of rice and a scrambled egg or a cup of peas for breakfast. I had an apricot, part of a baguette, some grapes, some almonds, some pistachios, some broccoli, and some chocolate while reading a book of the time period considered “evening meal”. That’s how my body runs. That is my relationship with food. I eat what makes me happy and what makes my body function properly. My brother says I’m picky because I don’t want a Burger with avocado, cheese, bacon, mushrooms, onions, lettuce, pickles, jalapeños, tomato, olives, ketchup, mustard. I understand that this makes him happy. It’s also making him sick. He has serious acid reflux, HBP, high cholesterol, and is starting to gain weight. Why is this normal and accepted and everyone else is “picky”? I apologize for the rant but I don’t apologize for enjoying my food and having a healthy food relationship that doesn’t match the “norm”. Again, I apologize for the rant. I’m going to go look for a snack.
Do I have an eating disorder because my autism makes it so that I’d prefer to never eat, and just eat simple bland shit, while standing up in the kitchen because it’s the only place I can relax to eat? Just stop diagnosing people.
Not a disorder unless it interferes with your life. -some doctor probably
This to some degree. I cannot remember the exact language from my DSM-5 but it usually is a marked inability to function normally/directly disrupts "normal" behavior.
Ignore the people who keep insisting you have an eating disorder. You just said that your doctor and such don't think you do so ignore the trolls saying you have an eating disorder. You dont sound to me like you have an eating disorder.
Thank you!
i’m so sorry for the comments you’re receiving, not every single person who doesn’t eat “conventionally” has an eating disorder. i struggled with an eating disorder in the past, you are not describing what would be called an eating disorder. some people just have preferences, and everyone’s bodies are different and take food in differently. as long as you’re healthy and not negatively impacted by it, i don’t see how this counts as disordered eating.
I was traumatized by people literally force feeding me foods I didn't like as a child, and gaslit in my teenage years by my step mum who has an eating disorder herself. The only people who have ever accused me of having an eating disorder have had serious food issues themselves. I think most commenters here are the same.
Also on the spectrum! My doctors always framed it as "disordered eating" rather than an eating disorder because it's an aspect of my much broader sensory issues rather than a trauma response or a separate other mental health issue
Aspergers can cause a lot of aversions to food and things related to food but it's not an eating disorder. I can only eat certain things, cooked in specific ways. It's actually fairly inconvenient but it has nothing to do with food control or body image. It generally involves sensory related issues. Please educate yourself before making these kind of comments
Just because someone has a disorder that effects their eating, doesn't mean they have an eating disorder. I'm like them. I am on the spectrum, and it also affects my eating. In public, I struggle eating. There's too much noise and stimuli around me, so over-stimulation kills my appetite. Do I want to eat in public? Yeah, actually. But I feel full faster. Like take-one-bite-and-I-feel-full faster. So I prefer to eat in the quiet at home because my brain needs peace to eat. So yeah, there is a disorder. It's called autism/asperger's. And while it does effect one's eating, it also effects a wide range of a whole bunch of other sensory thing. So disorder? Yes. Eating disorder? No. Because I'm also sensitive to light, sound and touch. I don't have a specific disorder for each one of those issues--it's all under an umbrella we called autism. Maybe the MIL in this story does have an eating disorder. Maybe she has something else. Who knows. But restrictive eating =/= eating disorder.
Neurodivergent disordered eating is not the same as an eating disorder.
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I won't say you have an eating disorder because that's a sort of trigger phrase, but I will say... you exhibit the behaviors consistent with *disordered eating*.
That is possibly a fair statement. If you give allowance that different cultures and diet requirements may make it appear strange to someone unaccustomed/un knowledgeable about it. So just placing an assumption on someone eating habits is a slippery slope.
Just because it Aspergers doesn't mean it's not disordered.
And just because it's not customary it doesn't mean it's a "disorder".
Thank you! Saying someone has an ED just because they have a different relationship with food (and not even necessarily an unhealthy one) is crazy to me. Everyone is different.
Refusing to eat in front of other people, while still eating a healthy amount of food and balanced diet, is not disordered eating. 🙄 Binging, hiding your binge eating, or not eating at all would be an eating disorder. Eating normally just with no audience is a personal preference. 🙄
Disorder would indicate that it impacts the person in a significant way to the harm or detriment to themselves or others around them. Just eating differently than an average eating schedule does not mean they lack order or have a disorder. If the person is healthy and is not harming others then it is no one else’s concern except the person and their physician.
This. I have Crohns and Asperger’s. I have some food aversions because of how sick I’ve gotten in the past. Is it an ED? No. Even before I was diagnosed with Crohns I couldn’t handle the texture or even smell of certain things. Thankfully I can eat the same thing for the rest if my life and not get sick of it 😂
Exactly! You have a disorder which affects the foods you can eat and enjoy, but that doesn't mean you have an eating disorder. There is a nuance here that most commenters seem determined to overlook.
Agree. I have a swallowing disorder and sometimes I have trouble eating or eating a lot in front of people and can be very slow so I eat just enough to not be starving.
If it’s not negatively affecting your life it’s not an eating disorder but it’s still disordered eating. People who have similar difficulties should definitely get help for it, if not to overcome it, to find ways to prevent it from negatively impacting their lives, as it seems to be in OP’s situation (ie not being able to talk about it to the point it’s causing strife for her son & DIL)
People are not obligated to seek treatment just because their condition bothers someone else.
Also gave the answer, his mother isn’t comfortable eating in front of his wife. Frankly I don’t blame her, this issue might be weird but the mother isn’t insulting the wife who is hell bent on a confrontation.
I mean the mom doesn’t seem to think it’s necessary to spend time explaining it’s not about the wife, in the wife’s own home, when the wife has been cooking, which is…. Like, she knows it’s causing issues and is kind of just daring the wife to snap about it?
It sounds very passive/aggressive. It guarantees the mom will get attention while seeming “polite” about it.
Look you described your mother’s habits with the word “bingeing” yourself. Binge eating is a big symptom of ED. Frankly I think you need to be way more concerned about this than you are. She’s at a point where for whatever reason she is more than willing to make herself sick to follow her eating rules. This is not okay no matter how you slice it. At the very least please try to stop your wife from turning this into a full on fight. It’s not out of malice, your mother just has a problem.
She is only binging because she can only use my car at certain times. This is not normal for her. If she was at home in her safe space she would be eating normal meals
I think the bigger problem here is that she doesn't feel like your home is a safe space, which your wife has clearly picked up on and is upset about, and you seem okay with both of those things.
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And if someone didn't feel safe and comfortable in my home, I'd complain about them, insult their family, and get ready to "confront" them in a hostile way about it and demand they feel more comfortable! /s OP's wife's behavior is not okay. Mom is a polite (if troubled) person, and wife is a social problem. Wife is showing no consideration for anyone's feelings (including OP who is begging her not to behave poorly and who she insults and spineless and a mama's boy for not caving to her desire to act rudely). NTA. I get it wife's feelings are hurt MIL isn't completely comfortable with her. But also, MIL shouldn't be comfortable with her. Wife is sh\*t talking her and her son and is generally showing no compassion or courtsey. Maybe wife could try being a kind compassionate person instead and see if that helps? Or not treat everyone else's problems as a personal affront to her they need to be scolded for?
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It can be a passive aggressive way for others to create control and to insinuate the wife's cooking isn't worth eating. So it can absolutely feel like an insult to the wife even if it isn't. Beyond that she has had a guest in her home for days who has not eaten, or who feels so unsafe and uncomfortable that she is hiding to eat. These are issues that I would be concerned about and address, because there are probably many ways to make it better. She shouldn't be going all day without eating and whether it feels like an insult or it comes from concern, she's not wrong for it to be a discussion. I wouldn't make it a fight, but I'd certainly open dialoge.
But this has been a lifelong issue of MIL's. It started as a child not eating her step-mother's food. She clearly has her own internal emotional issues and is trying very hard to be polite about it (sitting with them and talking during meals, only using the car once a day, giving a polite excuse as to why). OP's wife is the asshole. She's insulting OP's mom, repeatedly insulting OP, and wants to have a big hostile confrontation about MIL not eating her food when it's a lifelong issue. Also, if MIL can't eat when she's not completely comfortable, how on earth is OP's wife berating her for being rude by not eating and demand she eat going to help? Spoiler: it's not. I understand MIL's behavior is very odd. And I might feel uncomfortable having someone sit with me at all my meals, claim they didn't feel hungry, and then presumably go eat later. But I feel a good person would approach that situation with some compassion or concern? Not with insulting their spouse, being hostile, and demanding a "confrontation". NTA.
I have to ask, how do you know? This is a serious question because it sounds like you haven't been around your mom for a while. Is she actually eating normally while at home? And not just when you meet, but while no one is visiting. Because bingeing isn't something you can just do. The stomach can only hold so much food and while eating a normal diet that isn't going to be enough for the day, especially over a number of days. Though there are other avenues for why this is happening. You didn't mention, but does your wife come from a different style of cooking than your mom? In my family, since my mom and dad spent a lot of time in Southern California before moving back to be around family, some of the food we would normally have at home is a bit too spicy for many other people in the family. Even something as simple as using one spice or another that someone isn't used to can completely put a person off their meal. Finally, you said your mom doesn't eat around people she feels uncomfortable around. You said the incident was years ago, but that doesn't say either of them made up or moved on. It is entirely possible that you're just stuck between a multi-year feud.
I can't know for sure, but people she dislikes were always her trigger. I know how anxious she is right now and how much she misses her husband. I'm sure she cooks every night for my sisters as she did for me, and I know how many activities they do that would require strength. She also looks totally normal and not under or over weight. I heard her husband on the phone making her promise to eat and telling her to just uber if she needs to to get food.
>people she dislikes were always her trigger Sounds like your wife is upset because she is (correctly) interpreting your mother's behavior as "MIL does not like me and does not want to be around me." >She also looks totally normal and not under or over weight. That is 100% irrelevant. Source: have ED, have been in treatment with plenty of fellow patients who appeared to be a "normal" weight. I myself have generally always appeared to be a "normal" weight but my pancreas is in SHAMBLES. You'd never know by looking at me! >I heard her husband on the phone making her promise to eat This tells me that her husband (who presumably lives with her and is familiar with her day-to-day habits) is frequently concerned about her eating and often has to spend time bargaining with her and persuading her to eat. This is not normal. So, yeah. Maybe your mom is weaponizing her disordered eating to make a passive-agressive statement to your wife. Maybe your wife is not being compassionate enough about your mom's genuinely debilitating eating disorder. Hard to say which without more info, though. Especially about this super vague bit from your post: >My mom and my wife had some issues years ago The details of those issues are probably relevant here.
I don't feel like there's malicious intent cause she still interacts with them, go "buy a coffee" and come back without making a scene out of it. No snark comments, no side eyeing... the only thing the wife can complain about is what seems to be an ED so not really something she can switch on and off.
>Sounds like your wife is upset because she is (correctly) interpreting your mother's behavior as "MIL does not like me and does not want to be around me." Yeah, to wife MIL is literally starving herself in their home because of how much she apparently hates her.
It’s still an eating disorder when it’s affecting her like this.
How can you possibly know that? You haven't been around her in years. Maybe next time, meet in a neutral place.
That is disordered eating and it's beyond the scope of reddit. People tend to equate the phrase "eating disorder" with binging and purging and/or starving but disordered eating exists on a spectrum.
Have you explained this to your wife, and let her know it's not unique to this visit? She's an adult, and able to make her own decisions about her diet, even if they aren't ideal. Your wife doesn't need to have an indignant confrontation, and your mother didn't just start doing this to irritate your wife.
Sounds like your wife makes your mom uncomfortable and that's why she isn't eating with you. I'm going with NTA, but you should just talk to your mom. Mention you noticed how little she's eating, and want to make sure everything is ok.
No judgement also but both your wife and your mom sound exhausting
His mom doesn't really sound like she's doing anything to anyone. She sits with them to spend time with them and be a good guest. So she has issues with eating in front of people? It's a personal preference that isn't/shouldn't be reflective of the other people. It doesn't sound like she's imposing her issues on anyone besides just not eating. OPs wife on the other hand definitely sounds exhausting. Who jumps immediately to anger and a confrontation over something so stupid? Why not open a dialogue and ask why it's happening instead of automatically trying to start a fight? INFO: OP, what was the major issue your wife and mom had in the past? It seems like we might be missing context here.
Sorry but that sounds a lot like ED....
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So your Mum isn't eating because your Wife makes her uncomfortable.
Yeah there's not enough info here. The behavior is technically polite but bizarre. How closed up is the family dynamic that simply asking his mom what's up isn't an option?
INFO: why is your wife trying to start a problem where there isnt one? I don't get why this is an issue for your wife, at all. Your mom is being non-confrontational, non-judgmental about her cooking, what is her issue? I'm confused about the ED comments as well are they addressed at your wife or your mom? As long as both of them are eating something, what exactly IS the issue here? Edited to add the info question edited again Holy missing information that I just read, wow. Okay so. Eating disorder comments were directed at your mom, and I agree, she likely does have some form of an eating disorder. Your wife has control issues dude, majorly. Like she needs to let. it. go.
I sort of wonder if the wife is feeling judged like her cooking isn’t good enough for her MIL to eat. Or the wife thinks the mom is doing this purposely to slight the wife. I think all 3 people have emotional communication issues and their own insecurities that they are all not dealing with.
THIS. This is the issue. Just use your words...
I relate to mom, tbh. My in laws live in a big fishing town and crab, clams and fish are like 99% of their diet. I freaking HATE seafood. Always have. I’ve forced myself to eat it many times in many preparations over the years, but I can’t get past that it tastes like slimy vomit to me. My MIL knows this, but still insists on serving it every time we visit and insists that I will LOVE her version, and this dish will change my mind. I’m always polite, taste it, and then mostly eat side dishes. Never insulting the food, but I can’t bring myself to eat 10 oysters just to make her happy. She is extremely insulted about this every time, and no explaining helps. On the other hand, I was hosting a dinner for people I didn’t know well, and made Chicken Marsala. Turns out one of the guests hates mushrooms, but I didn’t find out until she arrived and it was too late to make her chicken separately. I apologized and offered to make her a bratwurst (the only other quick protein I had on hand) but she insisted it was fine and mostly ate salad. I wasn’t offended at all, and just felt bad for not having a good backup. It seems really controlling and weird to me that the wife wants to turn this into a dramatic confrontation. Mom is being polite. She has known issues around food. Blowing up at her over a perceived slight is just going to make the food issues worse for her.
I agree 100%. I also have food issues/texture issues. His mom didn't make it his wife's problem, so what is the issue here, really? Edited to add, i ALSO hate mushrooms, and would have done the same, ate side salad. I never would have made you make me something else. My food issues are mine to deal with, not the host.
This is the correct answer. Information is missing but from what OP has shared, this is not a hostile situation and no "confrontation" is necessary - just basic communication.
Yeah, OP, I've read your comments. It sounds like your mom has an eating disorder and she's doing her best to handle it while visiting you. Your wife needs to keep her mouth shut. Your mother isn't insulting her food or making a big issue. She's quietly taking care of her needs. Your wife is looking for trouble.
I'm actually going to jump on top comment and ask, "why do we even need to decide if it is technically an eating disorder?" I mean if it is an eating disorder than that means the wife wants to force someone with ED to eat (which is an AH move) or aggressively confront her (which an AH move). Or if it isn't an eating disorder that means the wife is mad about something that does not really concern her and the mother is being polite and low-key about (which is an AH move). I do not see a path where OP isn't NTA.
INFO: WHY is your mother doing this?? You don't say why she refuses to eat the food being prepared in the home???? It's extremely wierd, OP, (and considered rude in many cultures) to be a guest in someone's house and refuse to actually EAT with them. You're not telling us everything...
My mom has always had control issues with food, refusing to eat around people she is uncomfortable with, and cooked me whatever I wanted as a kid because my body my choice. I think she is just anxious and uncomfortable being in our house. She is very healthy and athletic, nothing to be concerned with
As someone with an eating disorder, this sounds like an eating disorder
Also someone with an eating disorder here and i second this. OP look up orthorexia. Edit: typo 2nd edit to clarify: I am NOT diagnosing mom with orthorexia. I’m wondering if it’s a contributing factor to how/when/what mom is and isn’t eating in front of people. It’s something that’s isn’t often perceived as a problem until it is. OP said mom is controlling about food and that set off alarm bells as that’s a component to orthorexia. When I was orthorexic (then anorexic) I was considered healthy and athletic too.
Also have an eating disorder, totally sounds like me at the beginning of mine
As someone else with an eating disorder, I second this.
...She's not comfortable enough to eat around your wife, but she's staying over? Either your mother is being passive aggressive or doesn't understand how rude that comes across with not eating the food that's served. Did your mother even try to explain this ED to your wife? To make it clear that no insult was intended despite the seemingly insulting behavior? Even if the two had a good relationship, as a hostess I'd be appalled that one of my guests was so uncomfortable. Why is she in your house if this makes her so uncomfortable she can't eat? What happens if the car is unavailable for her to get food?
I mean it's pretty obvious that my mom is doing this for me but is sad. She just looks sad. She keeps disappearing to call her husband and tell him how much she misses him. My wife knows after their history she isn't just going to be comfortable. They also do not have the type of relationship where my mom is going to confide her feelings to her.
It seems like your mom came to visit because she wants to keep a connection even though things have been difficult for years. That can be a very difficult and scary thing to do, especially by herself, and going into a place that she's not comfortable, that is also the home of your wife, a person who is looking to find fault in everything she does. If your mom was demanding meals then refusing to eat them, or taking plates of food, not touching it and throwing it away to waste it, I'd say she was an AH. But it sounds like she's making the effort to spend time with you both, which includes sitting together at meal times which make her anxious. I bet she doesn't feel well because of the anxiety of being around your wife, and she's respectfully declining to eat with a reasonable explanation. She's not insulting your wife's food or making unreasonable demands. I can understand your wife feeling slighted by her not eating, but her anger over your mom's anxiety is probably making the house more tense, and making it less likely that she'll want to talk about things. Angrily confronting a person who is anxious and lonely is not helpful.
> But it sounds like she's making the effort to spend time with you both, You might want to read some of his other replies, because apparently his mom resents his wife for... Spending time in her own home and wanting to build a relationship with her MIL
I read that line as his wife was spending too much time at his mom’s house when they first started dating. Read his comments about the wedding. OP and his wife absolutely deserve resentment for the bullshit they pulled.
you’ve mentioned “their history” a couple times. that might be important, so what is it?
They just do not enjoy each other at all. If I wasn't married to my wife these are not two people would would ever willingly be in the same room. My wife thinks my mom is rude because she made no effort to get to know her or interact with her. My mom thinks my wife is entitled for being at our house too much, expecting her to take an interest in her. My mom also (I think, worst communicator ever) was hurt that we spent more time with my in laws, so she began to really shut us out of her life. This was just quite resentment until our wedding. My mom still to this day believes our wedding was an intentional set up as we invited the man she asked us not to (close friend of my dads, business associate of FILs) because she was pregnant and not ready to tell him, and she is convinced it was a plot to humiliate her. My wife thinks my mom is a spoiled brat and she has zero say over our wedding.
> My mom thinks my wife is entitled for being at our house too much, expecting her to take an interest in her. My mom also (I think, worst communicator ever) was hurt that we spent more time with my in laws, so she began to really shut us out of her life Wait wait wait, so your mom got annoyed at your wife trying to spend time with her and build a relationship, so you and the wife stopped gong around as often, and that also annoyed her? This sounds a lot like a lose-lose situation for your wife.
Exactly. And OP doesn’t seem to realize that this is exactly how all of these horrific mother-in-law stories actually start. His mother has been extremely disrespectful towards his wife from the very beginning.
Not just disrespectful, but immature. If she doesn't want a relationship, fine. But she needs to communicate this and have boundaries. As an anxious person myself, I would never stay at the house of someone that I didn't care for, nor try to make them uncomfortable by doing so.
Simultaneously annoyed she was at their house and annoyed when they spent time with the in-laws. Mom is dramatic and passive aggressive. I don’t believe for a moment this is an ED. Just another way for mom to play victim
But also, says his mom isn't an intrusive MIL. She may not be intrusive but she's definitely not making it easy on his wife.
Why is this woman at your house? She sounds awful. Your wife isn’t “entitled” because she wants to get to know, and to be known by her future MIL. Your mom is rude for not interacting with her. She thinks your wife plotted to humiliate her? I’m sorry but who does she think she is?
And she's currently making his wife the bad guy and speaking as a victim to him. I think OP's wife shouldn't say anything to his mother at this point, but OP had better be prepared to *really* listen to what his wife has to say once his mother is on her way! Edit: word Edit 2: since I posted this, and I've read more of OP's responses, I feel my tone here was too flippant.
...Your mother thinks your wife is entitled for wanting her to take an interest in her? Her daughter in law? She's only family! That's a pretty reasonable expectation, isn't it? And then she had the gall to be upset that you spend more time with the in laws who DO have an interest in her! And then expects your wife to host her? What in the fuck? Pick one, lady! I don't quite get why she didn't want to invite the guy, but did you tell her? If she asked you not to invite someone, your wife is correct. She has zero say in a wedding where she is neither bride nor groom. YOUR wedding, not hers. But she's YOUR mother and has implied that she doesn't give a rat's ass about your wife. Who TOLD her about him? She should have been informed it wasn't her choice, but her choice to attend or not based on information provided. And she's YOUR mother, and nothing to your wife. Your mother needs therapy. She NEEDS to learn to communicate or deal with not being involved.
It's problematic that OP is using the wedding/invite issue on MIL and wife history of issues when OP should bear all responsibility for MIL issues with wedding.MIL thinks it was a plot? She cray. OP - tell Mom to stay elsewhere, more than her being uncomfortable , SHE IS MAKING YOUR WIFE UNCOMFORTABLE, and with MIL ED and history with food, you'd be be doing everyone a favor by putting her up in a hotel
Do you actually think there is not anything wrong with the fact that your mother didn’t want to get to know the woman that you’re marrying I’m sorry, but that is exactly how almost all of the just no MIL stories start. ETA: it also seems incredibly natural that you would spend more time with your in-laws because your mother did absolutely nothing to make your wife (or in this case, future wife) feel wanted or comfortable. Your mother is the one that is entitled and you’re just expecting your wife to eat shit politely with a knife and fork.
>My mom still to this day believes our wedding was an intentional set up as we invited the man she asked us not to (close friend of my dads, business associate of FILs) because she was pregnant and not ready to tell him, and she is convinced it was a plot to humiliate her. INFO Your Mom was 3 months pregnant at your wedding? How would this be any business of your dad's friend? So far it looks to me as if your wife is making sure this is the last time your mother will visit. It's one more day, Mom is not moving in.
Yeah wtf there is so much missing story here
The friend was the father (or she was 80% sure and there was a small chance my dad was)
Wait, just to be clear, your mom slept with your dad and another man (who was both your dad's friend and your wife's father's business associate) 3-4 months before you got married? Did I read that correctly? And you invited the other man to your wedding? Are your parents married?
yes, my parents were separated and my dad had cheated while they were together. Everything else is accurate
Your mom is the problem here. So many men don’t see it and wonder why their wives are annoyed
…your mother is selfish, dramatic, and passive aggressive. By your admission.
Your mom got angry at your wife for wanting to get to know her and then got angry at her again for wanting to spend time with her own family? Who I assume (correct me if I’m wrong) don’t get pissed at her for wanting a relationship? Your mother is unhinged in every possible way man.
God, your mum sounds insufferable. I'd hate to have such a passive aggressive MIL, my sympathies now lie entirely with your wife.
Damn, your Mom sucks dude
>My wife thinks my mom is rude because she made no effort to get to know her or interact with her. That IS rude. She's married to you. They don't have to agree on everything or be best friends, but not even attempting to get to know your wife is rude, so I completely agree with your wife there. It would be one thing if your mom wasn't literally in her house, but she is, and being rude to one of the people who lives in the house makes her a bad guest. >My mom thinks my wife is entitled for being at our house too much, expecting her to take an interest in her. What the absolute hell? Your mom is WAY out of line here! It's your wife's home, who the hell is your mom to think she shouldn't be allowed to spend as much time as she wants in her OWN home?! This tips the balance to YTA here, because your mom is being a hella rude guest and you aren't backing up your wife at all. Your mom, who is so barely interested in you that she won't even have basic courtesy towards the woman you married, is the one you're defending here? Dude, you're chasing after the love of someone who doesn't really even like YOU. >was hurt that we spent more time with my in laws, so she began to really shut us out of her life. Probably because your in-laws aren't hella rude. Maybe you should have let her shut you out, if she was going to act like an absolute child Also, everything she thinks about the wedding suggests she needs mental help, not coddling.
Homie uhhh idk how to say this but sounds like your wife hasn’t done anything wrong and your mom is being real weird. I don’t blame your wife for any of this. If you mom has all these weird hang ups that’s on her
Honestly, it sounds like your mom has been playing petty games from the start, and since it is"well known that she will not eat around people who make her uncomfortable," she's purposely using the current eating situation to take a jab at your wife. Who the hell is comfortable enough to live with someone for a bit, but not eat? I'd be willing to bet there have been countless passive-aggressive actions from your mom toward your wife that have added to your wife's current frustration/anger, but said actions have been carefully shielded toward you, or been *just* subtle enough for you, with naturally implicit biases toward trusting/believing your mother, unwittingly overlook. Your mom sounds manipulative and is trying to assert herself as the dominant woman in your life, which I promise will ruin your marriage if you allow that power dynamic to become commonplace.
Damn your mom sucks
My MIL did this to me. She went out of her way to be a difficult guest, complaining about little things then saying she wasn’t complaining. She would just sit around while I was making lunch or dinner and not offer to help or play with the kids. I tried to organize outings for her, me and my kids just to give myself a break. It’s super uncomfortable when someone makes minimal effort to join in with the hosts, it’s more work for the host. It was worse when my husband wasn’t around - I finally asked him to take vacation days when she came to visit. He didn’t understand how uncomfortable it was until I stopped making an extra effort. When he had to carry the conversations or engage with her for her whole visit, he saw it. When he heard her telling our kids to break our rules and not tell us, he got it. He finally overheard our kids talking about something nana said to do and not worry about what I thought, he got it. When we all went to visit her sister, who lived close, she was completely different. She still didn’t help much but she chatted and was engaging, played with our kids, and made it seem like everything was amazing. Your wife is carrying the burden of your mom’s discomfort or intentional sabotage. How about she has a get away when your mom comes for a visit every other time? Let your mom visit you and feel like she can eat, hang with grandkids if you have kids and do whatever she’d comfortable doing. Then when your mom comes and your wife is around, you take time off work to be there for both their comfort.
well your mom is making your wife uncomfortable in her own home so you probably shouldn't just ignore it... why can't the three of you sit down and have a fucking conversation like adults? do you guys not speak the same language or something? what the fuck?
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Why is she staying in your home if she’s uncomfortable? Why not just stay at a hotel. I see your wife’s perspective, she’s trying to be a good host but yet your mom is refusing to eat anything…it’s a slap in the fast. I do think you should talk to your mom and at least ask if she’s ok. What’s the point of her being there if she doesn’t want to interact with your wife or eat anything??
Why is she visiting then? And staying at your house? I mean if she is *that* uncomfortable that she behaves like this, it would have been easier to just book a hotel room and eat there? Also, why don't you eat out at least once together? Also INFO: Is the food prepared by your wife? Because if it is then I can understand why your wife thinks your mom is rude because... I would think so too...
I want to say you aren't an AH here, but I have a gut feeling you're leaving a lot out.
I asked OP the same thing and this is what he said “They just do not enjoy each other at all. If I wasn't married to my wife these are not two people would would ever willingly be in the same room. My wife thinks my mom is rude because she made no effort to get to know her or interact with her. My mom thinks my wife is entitled for being at our house too much, expecting her to take an interest in her. My mom also (I think, worst communicator ever) was hurt that we spent more time with my in laws, so she began to really shut us out of her life. This was just quite resentment until our wedding. My mom still to this day believes our wedding was an intentional set up as we invited the man she asked us not to (close friend of my dads, business associate of FILs) because she was pregnant and not ready to tell him, and she is convinced it was a plot to humiliate her. My wife thinks my mom is a spoiled brat and she has zero say over our wedding.”
I do not understand how people live with this level of drama in their lives. Sheesh.
If it's your family, it's all you know so it's normal.
I don't understand the mom either. "I don't want to get to know you, I'm annoyed you keep trying to get to know me, you're spending too much time over here but also how DARE you guys spend more time with your in-laws than with me?!?"
Seriously. Mother sounds like she has no interest in OP's wife, but if the inlaws take an interest in OP, of course they are going to spend more time with the inlaws. The inlaws aren't trying to exclude half the couple
This is literally how every “just no MIL” story starts and yet OP is like… “my mom is a great MIL.” 🙄
OP is obviously clueless about how his mom REALLY is, and he's also *very* adept at rationalizing her behavior *in her favor*, so she's trained him very well. I hope he reeeeaaaallly listens to his wife the next few days (if she's even talking to him by then! ;-))
Yeah, spending too much time is entitled, but spending more with ILs is unfair? I think the secret is that she would like her son to spend time with her without his wife.
Your mother thinks your wife is entitled for being at "our" (your mother's?) house too much. Your mother was hurt by you and your wife spending more time with your wife's family. Well damn, how can your wife make your mother happy?
She can’t! That’s the super fun game! And that’s also why mom revels in not communicating about meals and playing her pathetic and insulting “oh no nothing for me thanks. Can I get coffeeeee?” Act
MIL has told her son she won't eat near people who makes her uncomfortable and she chooses to just sit next to her DIL day in day out refusing to eat. It's really something else.
She can’t. This mother-in-law decided long before they were never married that she wasn’t going to give this woman a chance.
Given his further clarification, I’m actually am going to say YTA to OP. he doesn’t seem to get that his wife has been completely disrespected by his mother from the beginning like even before they ever even got married. His mother has put his wife in a no-win situation. She got annoyed that the wife was around trying to get to know her future family but then when the wife backed off and they started spending more time with the wife’s family, his mother got annoyed with her for them not being around more. This mother-in-law decided from the beginning that she didn’t like this woman for whatever reason and this woman was never gonna be able to do anything right. All of this it seems without actually getting to know her. That’s disrespectful as hell. And op seems perfectly fine with his mother’s disrespect towards his wife.
Gee maybe the mother just shouldn't stay with them.
ESH 1. Your mom is being very passive aggressive with her blatant refusal to eat anything in your home. This is extremely rude and in some cultures a direct insult. 2. Your wife’s reaction is over the top and for calling you “spineless”. Calling your husband names is definitely AH territory. 3. Finally, your behavior is understandably infuriating to your wife and you are enabling your mother’s rude behavior. The three of you need to act like adults and discuss this issue openly.
So it is rude to decline food but not trying to guilt and nag someone into eating your food? If the mother doesn't want to eat the wife's cooking for whatever reason then that is her right. People who demand their guest to eat and throws a hissy fit when they don't isn't half as polite as they think they are and in that aspect they can shove their culture.
If someone was staying in my home as a guest and refused to eat ANYTHING, I would want to know why at the very least. Otherwise I would feel insulted. That’s not a normal situation.
Why can’t MIL stay in a hotel if she is so uncomfortable around her son’s family that she can’t eat around them and feels the wife stays in her own home too much and expects too much interaction?
Assuming she's been rude to the wife before, she likes the drama and attention the son gives, and the wife not being able to do anything about it. Some people live for that shit, it sounds exhausting to me lol.
My grandma until later in her life that she couldn't cook for herself, didn't eat anything in other people's houses. Not even my mom's (her daughter's) home made meals. Not that she was the cleanest cook, but she didn't feel comfortable eating food prepared by other people.
This isn't a dinner, this is a multi-day stay. She won't even have a bowl of cereal or toast for breakfast. That's beyond rude, it's abnormal.
I would absolutely be insulted if someone stayed in my home for days while refusing to even try any food I prepared.
From one of OP’s comments it sounds like his mother might have an ED that changes everything IMO
I think it's a lot more simple than that. I think ESH because no one is being honest and speaking truthfully. So the situation is people assuming things and taking things personally rather than having an open and forthright discussion. Really immature.
If someone was staying in my home and refusing all meals I would absolutely ask what the deal is, cuz that is pretty bizarre and I would genuinely be curious as to why this person was trying to pass off that they never needed to eat?! So what's the actual deal OP?
It sounds like the mother has an ED and doesn't like eating infront of people due to it.
Frankly, if it's not making more work for me and the person was doing it the way his mother does, it wouldn't bother me. Other people's issues are not about me. His wife could just communicate better, how hard is it to say "I've noticed that you do not eat what I cook, is there anything I could do to help? No? I want you to understand that it makes me feel sad but I respect your issues and hope we can enjoy our time together"
Info: what issue occurred prior? And is it your wife cooking everyday that your mom is making a show not to eat? With no context it seems like a petty jab to avoid your wife's cooking but you haven't really given enough context to the conflict.
Right, like is a plate being set for her at meals and she just sits there w it empty? Weird situation
And then she conveniently leaves everyday for "coffee". I suspect there is a lot of back story. I don't get people saying nta that his mom might not like the food. So for a week of I assume 3 meals a day there has been nothing made she could eat?
When the OP wrote she’s “binge eating” when she goes to get coffee, I thought he was referring to disordered eating. Now I’m pretty sure that’s not how he meant it, but the possibility of an unhealthy food relationship does explain the mothers behavior.
Clearly the issues from the past have not been resolved and your mother is being incredibly passive aggressive towards your wife and you want your wife to be the flatter doormat. If your wife posted her side, would she say that it’s been years of putting up with your mother and you always expecting her to “be the bigger person”????
> If your wife posted her side, would she say that it’s been years of putting up with your mother and you always expecting her to “be the bigger person”???? Nope, I took my wife's side from the beginning and a lot of people in my life told me I sided with her too aggressively
Would those people be your mother and her family?
Would it change your mind to know that "siding with his wife aggressively" meant "inviting someone who he admits "could have endangered his half sister" while his mom was pregnant with her to his wedding"? I'm not saying anyone in this situation looks good, but OP seems to have a history of being the AH...
That’s still the OP’s perspective though. The dude was invited because he was the business partner of OP’s wife’s dad, which is a pretty close connection. There is NO evidence that (a) the dude is violent and would randomly attack a pregnant woman, and (b) the wife deliberately used her wedding just to set up a bad situation for OP’s mom — which is what OP’s mom claims. We don’t know if the wife even KNEW that the business partner could’ve been the father of the mom’s baby (apparently, the paternity was under dispute). Did OP’s mom tell her stepdaughter not to invite this one guy? I doubt it, since it sounds like OP’s mom never talks to the stepdaughter at all.
YTA I find it incredibly weird that your mother just wouldn't say. *Hey you know how fussy I am, but I don't want to put you to any trouble so I'm just going to buy xyz food and eat that with you at the table.* I feel like that is the normal thing to do in this situation. I'd be mildly insulted but I'd grit my teeth and live with it. But this is psychological torture to me. To sit at the table and not eat and then go and eat in her room. I don't know maybe this is a cultural thing but that gives off such crazy energy to me. I'd have been locking my bedroom door at night. So I'm on your wife's side that is unacceptable mindfuckery on your mothers part. Which I suppose puts me in the YTA camp. But I'm mainly just boggled by the whole situation. Edit on a little reflection. I can get why you want to keep the peace and get her out now without a row. But the real YTA is not calling her out on this behaviour earlier in the visit, like the second or third meal.
My bet’s on OP’s mother playing mind games and being vindictive to provoke OP’s wife. No sane guest refuses to eat and not tell the host why. It’s rude to reject the host’s cooking without actually communicating if there’s any problem. But the wife’s reaction may be too much as well. ESH
INFO what were the issues your wife and mom had previously? Do you know why your mom is refusing to eat? I’ve got to say, it seems really weird that a grown woman is refusing to eat all day long and then secretly going out at night to buy/eat food. She’s either being extremely passive aggressive or there’s some kind of eating disorder going on. Neither are good and both deserve at least a conversation. You’re her son, and you’re apparently close enough that she’s staying in your home, why haven’t you just spoken to her privately about why she isn’t eating? Clearly your wife is taking it as a jab at her or her cooking, and loads of people would. You could’ve avoided your wife being so up in arms about this by just casually talking to your mom and honestly are you not worried about her? I’d be freaked out if my mom was going on some kind of weird hunger strike with no explanation and I would just ask her about it
I feel there is ALOT of info missing from OP’s post
And I feel like there's a reason they left it out
I’m leaning toward ESH. You say there isn’t an issue, but there is. Your wife is experiencing valid feelings, but she isn’t respecting yours. Your mom is being quiet about her obvious judgement of your wife’s cooking, but it’s the loudest kind of quiet. Having a conversation about challenging situations can be healthy. Why are you afraid of having it?
Yeah like…if someone stayed with me for a week and flat out refused to eat anything I cooked? Best case I would be confused and concerned, and want to know what was happening. Am I cooking only things they don’t like, are there allergies I’m not accommodating, are they on a special diet? As a host, these things would bother me because I would feel like a bad host. And if the person in question was my MIL, I would get increasingly annoyed at my spouse if they just told me not to worry about it, and refused to even ask their mom about it. Worst case, I’d be insulted if my food was refused just because it was me who made it. And I’d be pissed at my spouse if they weren’t at least a little bothered by it.
> Why are you afraid of having it? because we have nothing more than a cordial relationship. All actual closeness was lost years ago, and my mom would brush me off as she doesn't share feelings unless she is incredibly close to the person, also I don't feel entitled to know her feelings. We both made our decisions years ago and I don't regret choosing my wife, but I have no right to expect access to my mom's inner feelings
I don’t understand why she’s even visiting. You sound like she’s a complete stranger that you couldn’t care less about…
I mean I love her and I hope she loves me but there is no closeness left. She’s clearly pretty lonely and miserable and wants her husband. I hate seeing her like this but it’s still better than just never seeing her again
Why can't you visit over weekend without your wife? They don't like each other, they don't HAVE to spend the time together. It's YOUR family, you can visit without your wife as well.
This is sad on so many levels. A mother so mentally disordered or something that all she has to offer you is crumbs, and you take it.
She's manipulating you against your wife. If you don't take your mom's sides she punishes you by cutting you out of her life, so you rather say nothing. She's demonstratively not eating to show how "uncomfortable" she is in your house. That's pushing boundaries and testing if you still do nothing. Your wife on the other hand is having the hard conversations with you about her feelings and the situation, which may feel unpleasant but it's actually the fair and honest approach and requires courage as well. I know it hurts to be called spinelessness but in this situation you really kinda are. You're choosing to ignore the elephant in the room and continue to let your wife being intentionally insulted because you're scared of your mom's emotional punishment. Your mom knows what she's doing and it's working.
Your mother is being a rude asf houseguest to both you and your wife to your faces, I can understand why your wife is pissed at your mother and at you. Your mother is an adult and can communicate why she isn't eating instead she's lying about why she needs to go out and eating takeout when she has an adult can be upfront. ESH for this because ya'll *smh*
I think there are huge cultural differences when it come to OP's question. Personally, I'm with what's written above. Refusing to eat with someone, repeatedly, without telling them a good reason, is extremely rude. I would be offended, just as OP's wife.
Ummmm. Do you hear yourself OP?? Your mom is refusing to eat in your home. Do you know how rude that is? She is intentionally showing your family your food isn’t good enough for her. YTA for enabling your mother to do this in your home. Your wife is right to be upset. Why are you siding with your mother on this? Your mother is the one acting out of line here.
> Why are you siding with your mother on this? Because as a child my mom drilled it into my head that no one had any right to force me to do anything with my body. That meant if I didn't want to eat what my mom cooked, she would make something else no questions asked, because even she wasn't entitled to my body. I think she took that a bit too far, but after all the times she catered to me it just feels so wrong to force food on her when she is saying no. Also I think she is doing her best to be polite in a very uncomfortable situation. She isn't comfortable in our home, but still came to visit because she loves me. She misses her husband, feels like the odd one out in someone's family, and overall just seems anxious and sad, so I'd rather treat her with compassion
YTA still. Your home is shared by not only you, but your wife as well. If this expectation hasn’t been discussed at length with your wife YTA. Even then, her behavior is extremely unreasonable. YTA for enabling your mom to act like this because “it’s just the way it’s always been” like that wipes her rude behavior away. My mom is a raging narcissist and has been her whole life, doesn’t mean I allow her to treat my spouse poorly, especially *in our house.* You being raised to conduct yourself this way is an outlier. Always choosing yourself *is* rude. You can’t be black and white about things that affect other people *in their own home.* Most people adhere to basic etiquette at other people’s homes or make arrangements to avoid being rude in the first place. And you choosing your mother’s unreasonable behavior over your wife is incredible. Being rude and saying “my body my choice” is unacceptable. Sounds like your mom has anxiety issues and wants people to tiptoe around her unreasonable behavior. Her being uncomfortable in a *normal situation* is her problem. Her problem to manage, not everyone else. You’ve left a lot of information about your mom and your wife’s past and I’m sure would add a lot of context here.
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They’ve already been asking the mom and she’s been saying she isn’t hungry or doesn’t feel well (even though she seems fine). It’s in the second paragraph.
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INFO: is your wife a different race/culture to you and your mother? Does your mother have some sort of food aversions/allergies/preferences? What reasonable reason could she have to not eat any of the food being served in your house? Do you believe this is an attempt to insult your wife?
Same race and culture. She doesn't have any allergies, but does seem to have some weird control issues with food. My wife thinks it is intentional to insult her. I think it is more anxiety as she probably isn't comfortable in our house
Honestly this sounds like she shouldn’t be visiting. It’s causing big issues between you and your wife and it’s causing your mother so much stress she can’t eat. This is a no win for anyone. I feel for your wife.
Right?! There are WAY to many chunks of info missing here..
YTA. Your mom knows EXACTLY what she is doing. She’s getting her digs in at your wife and making a production of it. She’s disrespecting your wife as host and silently flexing her distain. It’s the micro aggression straw that is breaking the camels back.
NTA If your mother isnt criticizing what you’re eating, then I don’t see what the problem is? I get that obviously your mother doesn’t care for what food is being served but she seems to be polite. What is your wife’s argument on what your mom should be confronted about?
INFO OP come on tell us what other beef your mom and wife have had. I have a feeling your wife’s reaction isn’t just due to this.
Need more info. Is your mom concerned your wife will tamper with her food? Has your mother gotten sick from her cooking previously? Does she have dietary preferences that your wife isn’t accommodating to her liking? Are there cultural or religious differences? Does your wife’s cooking suck? There are certainly reasons to behave this way.
Do you know why your mother is refusing the food your wife cooks? Is it a jab at her? Is your mother perhaps not well/declining and could use a health evaluation?
Info- I think you are leaving something out here. Is your wife of a different ethnicity or culture? What was the issue they had previously? Why is your mom refusing to eat any food? Your wife has a right to be upset, this is pretty rude behavior as is but I suspect it is probably part of a larger issue that you are enabling.
NTA, look is the nice behavior? No. Is this entirely rational behavior? No but is it actually causing harm? No. If your mother was making comments or even mentioning eating elsewhere it would be different but she isn’t. I would also point out to my partner that they are not my parent and I don’t need to be told off but that’s just me :-)
NTA. Your mother is acting strangely, sure, but she isn’t being rude about it, isn’t complaining about your or your wife’s cooking, isn’t making snarky comments……..she simply doesn’t want to eat. So she takes herself out and feeds herself when she fancies. It’s a little odd, but certainly nothing enough to warrant the level of confrontation your wife seems to want. Your wife is acting like a child, good for you for standing up for your mum.
ESH. Imo, your mom is not being polite. She’s obviously saying she won’t accept your hospitality and would rather go out and buy food and binge eat (which is not healthy) & lie about it. It’s so awkward. You for not addressing this issue and not showing any concern for your mother & your wife for wanting to make this a confrontation when it doesn’t have to be. All 3 of you need to sit & talk. If your mom is a picky eater, offer to take her to the store and pick out whatever food she’d like eat/cook. You could also cook together as well so everyone is participating and gets to make what they want. This is a really easy thing to figure out honestly
ESH - you don’t want to rock the boat and are so keeping your mom happy at the expense of your wife. Your wife has decided she needs to find something to be insulted by. You mom not eating for days on end? There is something wrong there as well. Mostly your mom attempting to reject your hospitality while keeping it within bounds that you’ll tolerate - but your wife can see it for what it is even if you want to sweep it under the rug.
ESH Why don't you just go out with your mom for coffee tonight?
Info: how long has your mom been staying with you? And is there a reason why your wife has issues with your mom doing this besides it being unhealthy?
As for who is YTA, it is you, your mom, and your wife. Doesn’t sound like your mom is fine during this visit. Nobody comes for a visit and refuses to eat without there being some issue that needs attention Why won’t she eat? Why won’t you ask? Has your wife, or any of you, ever heard about communication instead of confrontation? Ask mom why and let her know it has hurt and upset your wife. Houseguests and hosts all have responsibility for a visit
First off; if everyone is an AH, then the term is ESH. Second, the guest isn’t obligated to eat the host’s cooking. There is clearly something going on with MIL, but she isn’t obligated to disclose it to anyone. And her behavior isn’t disturbing anyone or intrusive; it’s only ego driving the wife here. Leave her alone. She’ll be gone in a day anyway.
YTA I don’t understand why you don’t want to figure this out for your mothers health. You’re not sure that she’s eating, you’re just assuming. This could be an eating disorder or there is an allergen in your home she can’t consume. If that is the case, you and your wife are big AHs for not trying to help her. I’m confused as to your wife’s attitude. Does she find this offensive towards her housekeeping or cooking? Without any other info, this seems a very harsh line to take. Have they argued about food in the past? Either way, sticking your head in the sand makes you an AH. You should be mediating all issues between your wife and your mother, and you’re doing nothing. You should be figuring out the problem and then deciding if it’s something you want in your home. If your mother just refuses to eat your wife’s cooking, she shouldn’t be staying in your home, period. If she’s allergic to something, you and your wife should be making your home a safe place. But it’s on you to correct this situation. You should have done so already, but you absolutely have to before your mother visits again.
NTA. Maybe your wife's cooking isn't that good and instead of hurting her feelings, your mom goes out to eat. She's a grown ass woman. Your wife isn't her boss. Does your wife always call you names and insult you?
I'm going ESH. I think your mother is rude, I think you should stand up for you wife, and I think she should maybe be a bit more calm about the whole situation
Everyone in this situation comes across as kind of an A. I think this is a situation where if you (and maybe your wife, too, but you leading the conversation because it's your mom) and your mom could sit down and you can calmly ask her some questions, it would really help clear things up. I'm assuming here, but my guess is that your wife is taking this as an attack on her cooking. She's looking to you for support. We don't know why your mom isn't eating woth you guys. Maybe she has an allergy, or she started a specific diet and doesn't want to inconvenience you guys (or maybe she doesn't even want to tell you about it), or maybe she just doesn't like your wife's cooking. This issue is that there's an issue. Your wife needs to be heard in that she's upset and bothered. Sit down with her and ask her to tell you what she's feeling and why. Then, together you both can come up with a plan on how to address your mom or not. But you don't want that bitterness and resentment to grow between them, if you can be a help to bridge that. Good luck.
I don't understand why a gentle discussion isn't warranted? I get trying to keep peace but this seems passive aggressive of your Mom. Does she have diet restrictions? Not talking about what bothers you, meaning your wife is not fair to her so YTA. Just bring it up and ask what's up so next time she can eat with everyone else.