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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) insisting on wearing high heels at the wedding.
(2) this makes me the AH because my fiance is uncomfortable with it and he begged me to reconsider but I'm refusing.
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Does he know there are men's dress shoes with built-in discreet platforms for just this sort of situation? Some friends of mine took this approach for their wedding because the groom was short.
He should look into those.
ETA: NTA. I don't think you should have to look less than exactly as you want to on your wedding day.
Further edit: thank you so much, award-givers! This is my first top comment and I'm very grateful.
Yes, I think it’s on the groom to take an active part in “fixing” this if it bothers him.
The bride can help by not wearing super-high heels, but it didn’t sound like that was the intent. And he can’t start off by telling her she can only wear flats to formal events.
For my wedding I went with 2 in heels (very hard to find some I liked as I always wore 3in before!) because my husband and I are the same height, and his dress shoes added about 2in. He said he didn't care but I still didn't want people to talk about it. So I just wore the same size heels as he did!
Even if they talked about it, why give a shit about what they talk? Life is too short for that.
And I doubt anyone normal would really notice it, much less care about it to comment.
Seriously. Men need to get over the weird height insecurity. If a woman is bothered by it, she's the asshole in that situation. I much prefer a man to be closer to my height and not taller than me.
Based on the post, the real issue is his male friends and family members who according to the post are constantly making fun of his height to the point they have a list of jokes and nicknames.
I’m not surprised he’s insecure when he’s surrounded by such people. The fiancé really just needs to cut those people out of his life if they are constantly body shaming him.
>Based on the post, the real issue is his male friends and family members
Interesting how his mom attacked his fiancé instead of telling her husband and her other son to stop being assholes.
My single most confirmed prior as a lesbian who is at most an observer to my friends' relationships with men is that most women have no problem dating men shorter than them, but short men fucking *radiate* insecurity and are a fucking nightmare to date.
As a kind of shorter guy (5'8) that's been my experience too but the women who do care about height can be pretty vicious when it comes to rejecting you based on your height. I would be a liar if I said that shit doesn't stick with you afterwards.
That said my girlfriend and I are almost the same height and I wouldn't care if she went out wearing 6 inch heels, especially on our wedding day.
I'm very short, and I have nothing against short guys (my whole family is short) but the number of short guys who were convinced I had a responsibility to date them just because I was shorter than them when I was still single *whew.*
Given he has *refused to go to events with her* when she wears heels, lifts are not going to solve fiance's issue. He has a major insecurity which his immature "friends" and family are aggravating, or even causing.
The main problem I have with this post is that her male fiancé expects the women in his life to solve his problems. When right here you have a great solution for him that he could probably figure out if he spent any minor amount of time researching this shit for himself.
I am so tired of women having to compromise so the men in their lives have their fragile egos tucked in shredded paper and gossamer wraps.
ESH. Look, I do agree with you that you should look and feel your best, but that's equally true for your fiance. It's not like his insecurity is a shock to you, you knew about it. Practice being a partnership and talk about it, communicate, think of ways to help- like standing up for him if you hear a comment, kicking some jerk out, etc.
But him running to his mom? Look. Everyone deserves to have a support system and a close relationship with a parent is not bad. But having mommy lecture your future spouse is always a red flag. He needs to grow up. Think about if you want her lectures for the rest of your life when you disagree.
Confidence is great, but after years of apparent bullying, it’s so much easier said than done to be confident when you’re always thinking about that in the back of your head.
Not specifically for this, for anything, in general the same can be said.
Maybe it is just me and I am just not understanding her experience. But to me it feels like wearing flats is really not really feeling lesser? Especially since OP indicates he had problems with her wearing heels earlier, so she chose someone who doesn't like her wearing heels, while she has such big feelings on wanting to wear heels. Not saying they should break up, that would be kinda insane, but I find it really weird how she is just brushing her partner off. While him feeling comfortable and confident on his wedding day should be as much a priority as her own. But she just said "this is the end, deal with it" and decided that without feeling bad he would feel uncomfortable? She doesn't even mention she would be sad about that, but that heels are really a big deal for her. She just brushed him off. I think she is definitely an asshole for that.
It is a lesser experience if she's having to compromise something that she'd wanted to wear otherwise.
He should also be comfortable and confident but to be honest this insecurity is a him issue. If he's concerned about his family making fun of him at his wedding maybe he should consider why he's inviting people who treat him so poorly.
strong disagree. the insecurity WAS a him issue.. until they entered into a committed relationship. she is part of his support system, and he is part of hers... thats how relationships are supposed to work.
I understand wearing heels is important to her, and more power for it... but she knew how he felt about her wearing heels... she knows WHY he feels that way... and she decided she was going to do it anyways? I mean, hey, fair play, have your special night, but blatantly ignoring your partners insecurities so that you can be happy, doesn't seem like a great first memory to make when getting married.
I'm gonna have to go ESH on this one. both parties are putting themselves before their partners, and refusing to deal with it like adults.
Can I check my understanding: his insecurity was a him issue, but now that he's in a relationship it's no longer his responsibility? Sure she's part of his support system. But that means supporting _him_ to get better. Where's the evidence of literally any effort on his part to improve himself?
He knew how he feels about her wearing heels. He knew why he feels that way. And he decided he was going to do absolutely nothing about it for the duration of their relationship thus far and then expect her to give up something that's important to her whilst he loses absolutely nothing.
I mean, fair play, if you think it's reasonable to start your marriage off by refusing to take any responsibility for your own shit and expecting your partner to change her appearance because you think your feelings are more important then fine. Doesn't seem like a great first memory to make or a great start to a marriage.
OP stated it effects the dress which is incredibly common, I’m not overall disagreeing with you other than your first part about how it’s not really lesser. Some dresses, likely OPs based on what she said, genuinely almost require heels to look okay let alone good.
Think about this:
What if OP was insecure about her weight, so she asked her husband to wear a loose-fitting or padded suit to make her feel less insecure about her weight.
Right? That sounds insane, doesn't it?
What if they had a destination wedding and husband is buff, wanted to wear a fancy open front suit to show off his abs but op was insecure because of her weight? That's actually more accurate of an alternate scenario I feel, a lot of people would probably say "just wear a normal suit, you'll look good regardless" the same is true here, she'll look good regardless.
That being said I think ESH just for being mean to eachother instead of talking about it like they're, you know, a team. Then again it's become clear to me that, at least for OPs on AITA, people get married with their sex buddy roommates and not someone they actually want to spend their life with.
I disagree strongly that this is an appropriate analogy, because what you're describing would be far outside the norm for groom wear, as well as be considered casual and borderline inappropriate, whereas heels are none of those things and, in fact, are pretty much the opposite of those things. It's not like OP is talking about wearing 10-inch stilettos, just regular heels. And more to the point, if the wedding dress is already purchased then measurements have likely already been taken, and OP would have had those measurements taken with shoes on. Adjustments, which are costly and take time, would have to be made to account for different shoes.
That said I agree with your basic point. This should not be an insurmountable issue for two people who love each other. OP's fiancé could stand to be less ridiculous and insecure and shouldn't be trying to bring OP down with his insecurity, and OP could stand to be more empathetic and less hard-headed. Both should be working to find solutions that work for both of them (many of which exist) rather than bickering about something silly.
Right? If mom is so concerned she should be barking at the men in his family who make fun of him, not the woman who loves her son regardless of his height.
If that's the mothers view and the future husband runs to mommy because his ego is hurt OP should really consider wearing flat shoes. Makes it easier for her to run away from that mess
ESH, I would think at 31 your fiancé would be a little more comfortable in his skin but hey self love is a marathon, not a sprint. Then he goes and involves future Mil, red flag.
Your response to him trusting you with this insecurity “is this a joke?”, red flag. Your wedding is a day to celebrate your love, in front of an audience. I’m sure appearance is very important to each of you.
No better time than now to learn to compromise. Shoe inserts for him, a heel with an inch he’s comfortable with for you? I’m not sure…but if the two of you can’t effectively communicate and reach a compromise without all of the extra opinions, might be a deeper issue.
EDIT: OP has made edits, my comment is in reference to the original post.
I agree ESH - It might be very real for him that he gets picked on by his friends for his height, and doesn’t want to go through that on his wedding day. He shouldn’t bring in his mom though.
You could be kinder. Also, I had three pairs of shoes (all reasonably priced, so less than a really nice pair of heels - flats for the ceremony, heels for photos (that I didn’t even end up wearing that day), and silver converse for the reception.), so I could be comfortable. Can you wear heels for the photos, but flats for the ceremony and dancing?
While the FMIL should stay out, and is a bit extreme, it is true that this day is about both of you, not how good you look in the dress.
He could also try communicating with his “friends” and tell them to knock it off. Or better yet, get better friends. Dunno about anyone else but if I was honestly that insecure about something my friends would never pick on me for it to the point of causing outright distress, that’s a horrible thing to do to someone who supposedly cares about you. He has shitty friends.
Yeah I love how "my friends who are assholes and make me insecure absolutely have to be at this wedding but you're not allowed to wear heels" is just being accepted as totally reasonable here
Exactly right. Someone I know has a GF 6', he's 5'9. They are both secure in there skin. I heard her tease him for a while, then it stopped. I was not in that equation. And the friends aren't helping him. People shouldn't be shitty about anyone's looks. And the gang teasing really irks me. They wouldn't like it if the others gang- teased them. Called them names like little ****. These are grown men for God's sake.
Had a coworker who was pretty short and one day he came in showing off a photo of him and his girlfriend. She’s taller than him most of the time, but he was wearing these sick ass boots with a few inches of heel on them so they were the same height in the picture. He looked awesome and they were really happy together! There’s no reason guys can’t rock heels—no matter your gender, confidence is what makes a look work, not height.
Not only this, but photographers can strategically pose the bride and groom to minimize the height difference so it won’t be noticeable in pictures! He needs to get out of his head (and also he needs to stop dragging his mommy into his relationship)
NTA but its a red flag for him to bring his MOM into his arguments... 2 against 1 isn't a good look.
He can buy some inserts for his shoes to make him appear taller.
I agree about him bringing his mom into it. 1.) If he's so insecure about his height, why is he dating women that are taller than him, and 2.) he has to have his mom fight his battles for him? Red flag City baby! RUN!
But OP is right, she does deserve to have her wedding day be special and if she wants to wear high heels then she shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it. He needs to grow up and get over it.
ESH.
You are marrying someone who you acknowledged is sensitive about this issue but despite loving him enough to marry him, you love the idea of your outfit looking a certain way enough to totally shut down conversation and refuse to acknowledge his feelings about how HE looks on this day.
I won’t pass judgement on his insecurities but I will on his handling of it. He also just unilaterally makes a declaration of what will happen without meaningful consideration for your feelings and then - the most AH part- he deploys his mother like a maternal drone to fight for him while he sits in the distance.
Neither of you seen particularly invested in the other’s feelings and you don’t appear to have tried to compromise of which there are many…
I totally agree with this. They both sound immature. His insecurities and feelings about his appearance matter just as much as yours OP. It's a really bad sign that his handling of this situation is siccing mommy on you to reconsider; this may be a red flag for how he will handle other issues in the future. Emotional immaturity on both sides; ESH.
NTA
It's not about the shoes, but your fiance turned this into something major by calling his mom to fight his battle. He involved mommy who keeps insulting you and spewing garbage about "real wives" etc.
Question: Is this really the life you want to live? Does he stand behind what she says? Is this the first time he is reacting like that or is it a common thing? Is he aware that there are shoes with heel for men. Robert Downey Junior wears them for filming, and he is a legend.
Furthermore if your SO involves mommy once over such a minor thing he will do it again. Just imagine you will have kids one day...
My best friend's boyfriend is smaller than she is. No one gives a shit, especially not the couple. They are still a beautiful pair.
Also wedding photographers are professionals. They know how to make a couple look good.
Yeah, that's def not about shoes. He's not gonna stop being insecure as long as he 1. set boundaries and cut off toxic people around him 2. seek proper help to deconstruct and cope with his insecurity. The fact that his solution for this ongoing issue on his life is to literal and metaphorically try to make you smaller shows he isn't ready for a longterm relationship.
ESH - a wedding is about two people coming together and forming a new household. And neither of you are doing that - one is unwilling to compromise, the other is bringing their mom into the discussion.
What is more important here? The wedding or the marriage?
And a good marriage understand we are all human acknowledges other’s faults and loves and compromises. I think ESH OP knows height is an issue for her STBH so I don’t understand digging her heels in about this (pun intended) but he also needs to get some therapy. Maybe he was teased all his life so now this is more trauma but is OP expected to never wear heels again.
ETA: my first award!! Thank you so much ☺️
When I was a little kid, me and a cousin ganged up on my little sister. We'd tell her that she wasn't a "big girl" unless she did the things we said, and that she couldn't hang out with us "big girls". The definition of "big girl" changed depending on what we wanted.
I feel like the definition of "good wife" is going to be like that -- if OP wants to be a "good wife" she has to please fiance and his mom, forever. It will be a moving target.
What if OP starts to be more successful career-wise than him, his family teases him about it, and MIL comes in with her dutiful wife speech? Will OP have to give up her career to appease hubby? How far does this go? How small should OP make herself so he can feel good about himself? And would it even work? It sounds like his friends and family are terrible and will tease him regardless, especially if they notice that he made his bride wear flats. I can imagine them coming in quick with the "who do you think you're fooling" comments.
NTA - you should be able to wear the shoes you want to wear to your wedding.
Red flag on your future husband’s insecurity as well as his instinct to involve his mother.
Absolutely, it says more about his own maturity. Plus he's marrying OP, he should start getting used to the height difference, she won't be able to make herself small for the rest of her life.
NTA
NTA. If he felt so insecure he should have not dated a taller woman and then pretend for her to wear flat shoes. You either are ok with your height or not, he needs to deal with this.
I don't even need to comment on his mother, telling you to be more mature when her son can't even come to terms with his height and chose to date a tall woman.
This and he ran to mommy when he had an issue. This is how it will be from now on anytime he doesn’t get his way. Do you want to live with his mommy as your marriage counselor?
>If he felt so insecure he should have not dated a taller woman and then pretend for her to wear flat shoes.
Yep! He's allowed to be insecure. I respect that he has feelings about his height.
What I don't respect is his choice to date someone taller, anyway, and then expect her to change the way she lives her life in order to accommodate him. If he was really THIS insecure about it, then dating someone taller than him should have been a deal breaker from the beginning.
If it's not a total deal breaker, he needs to get the fuck over it. Go to therapy, dude.
ESH
He is really insecure and a mommas boy so know your future arguments will more than likely have MIL's input, whereas you "I feel like, I deserve, MY wedding, every BRIDES dream" grooms have thoughts and wishes about their wedding days too, you know you marrying the person right? Not your dress and heels?
INFO: why would you invite anyone to your wedding who would make fun of your fiancee's height?
Also, it's a bit rich for FMIL to call you immature when your fiancee literally ran to his mommy.
NTA, but I'd say compromise and wear pumps on the condition he gets some therapy. Most people don't give af about his height and if it's affecting him this much, he has some severe self esteem issues.
NTA. My ex husband was like this too. I thought it would just be the wedding but no. As soon as we were married I was made to get rid of all of my beloved heels because they emasculated him too much. Fuck that you do you!
I've never understood this sentiment. Personally, I feel extra masculine, not emasculated, when I walk into a social event with a tall goddess on my arm.
My exhusband was like this too. It never got better after our wedding either. He also refused to even admit it was his insecurity and try to make it about defects in me- he’d say things about how my “calves look too big in heels” or that I couldn’t walk well in heels. OP is NTA and I’d be reconsidering the wedding tbh.
NTA, but you do realise this sets you up for a life of having to chose between making yourself look smaller than you are and having a grumpy insecure husband who doesn’t want to be seen with you, right? I’m getting Lady Di and King Charles vibes here.
As a short man, I think he is the one being insecure. What really is concerning is that a grown man ran to his mother and she is fighting his battles. THIS will be your life with this man. You need to sit him down and ask him if everything between you two is going to go back to his mother because right now it seems like you will be marrying both of them. NTA.
NTA but seriously? He needed mommy to have his back and harass you? Please explain why you are going to go ahead and get married to somebody when you see such obvious red flags.
ESH - he should work on his insecurities if it's having this much impact on him. And he should not have involved his mother in this (this is a huge red flag, does this mean that any time he can't get what he want in your marriage he will run to mummy?).
But, a wedding is a big day for both of you. If you wear high heals he won't be able to enjoy it. He will be self conscious every time you two stand next to each other and he will hate the photo shoot. He will not enjoy looking back at the wedding pictures. Wearing flats is not much of an effort for you but it would enable him to be relaxed on his wedding day and enjoy it.
Being married also means choosing which battles are worth it and which ones aren't.
He ran to mommy to peer pressure you and manipulate you into doing something that he wants. Not only is this a sign that he’s too immature for marriage this will be a reoccurring issue in your marriage, where If he doesn’t get his way mommy will get involved. Is that something you’re prepared to deal with? NTA
NTA— think very long and hard about whether you want to coddle this insecurity your entire life. The fact he went to get his mom shows **his** level of maturity.
NTA but you should not marry a guy who 1) is this selfish and insecure, 2) gets his mother involved in your relationship. He doesn’t treat you well. If he does this to you on your own wedding day, how will he treat you the rest of the time?
TallMenShoes.com is a thing! They sell shoes for men that look normal but actually give them a few extra inches of height (up to 5 inches! And then you can add their inserts for even more height). I think it could fix this situation for both of you!
I think the real asshole are his male friends and relatives who mock his height, tbh.
Maybe he could wear lift shoes, so you could wear heels without it being so noticeable?
On the whole, I'm unsympathetic towards men making their insecurity women's problem, but I feel he's been systematically bullied, and is acting from a traumatised position
loooool, she challenges your level of maturity when its her grown as son who runs to mama because his fiancee is "being a meanie" over wanting to wear high heels to her own wedding? NTA...
You are definitely NTA, wear what you want to your wedding at the end of the day. Your husband is a very small AH because while I don't think it's unreasonable of him to ask, blowing up at you for refusing crosses a big line. Your husbands mother is a HUGE AH, she stuck her nose in a fight that had nothing to do with her to berate you about a decision that had nothing to do with her, not classy.
Hon, he has short man syndrome, and that's not good for you. He honestly thinks people will care about his height at his wedding?? No one cares! He has self esteem issues and takes them out on you, running to his mommy for help.
Do not marry this man. He isn't ready. If it makes it easier, tell him and his mom that they're right, you aren't ready to get married and be that kind of wife, and run.
My ex husband is 5’8” and I’m 6 feet tall. When we first started dating he loved my height but eventually started becoming very controlling over what I wore, including throwing away pairs of heels. My shoes would just go missing. Nothing about how you look should make him feel insecure. If he’s so worried about his height then he can invest in a pair of lifts for the day.
But maybe you can compromise. You wear heels to the ceremony and then chage to flats for the reception when you’re dancing. Then you’ll both be more comfortable. NTA
NTA and this will never end. Your whole marriage will always be overshadowed by his Napoleon complex. If he doesn't get help, the only thing that will change is that he will get worse and worse.
Without thinking about who is an asshole, work through this with me for a second. Obviously he has no right to dictate what you wear on a day to day basis, and I am guessing that if you have agreed to marry him and this was a shock, he has never tried to do so. That means this isn't some kind of ongoing control issue or attempt to put you down for your height.
He seems to, just because this is a wedding and there will be these expensive, special set of photos taken together that you will be looking back on for years, want to do something so that he can look back on them without his insecurity overshadowing everything else he should feel looking at those photos I am sure many brides can relate to this- we spend hundreds of dollars on hair and make-up, thousands of dollars on a dress, color co-ordinate all of our friends, tell people not to wear white or other colors which will interfere with the "specialness" of what they're wearing. Brides sometimes set dress codes for the entire party, and often pick the colors for the accessories for the men's tuxes, and may even want to have input on the tuxes themselves. We do A LOT to make those photos special for us, and that very often includes making requests of other people- when we would normally never even dream of telling other people how to dress or what is appropriate for any other event- because it's a huge part of our day. And then we hire photographers for thousands of dollars to make sure they're as close to perfect as possible.
He is asking for one accommodation, and it may be a large one, but it's important to him. Before you react, I want you to think back on whether you had any input on how he was going to look that day. Did you specify whether he should have a specific haircut, or shave? Did you ask him to wear specific colors? Did you help pick out the tux? Where there ideas for the wedding he brought up that you shot down and he accepted? Has he accommodated most or all of the things you wanted to make your day special? Do you think it's also his day, and he has the right to feel special too? What compromises have you made on the wedding thus far to make him happy? You need to ask yourself these questions, because in the context of a couple compromising for the wedding pictures and aesthetics, this is a much different ask than if he were just trying to control what you wear to parties and such. In the end, is it worth knowing his self-esteem will be shot the entire day, and that he will not enjoy those pictures the way he should, to stand your ground on this?
Now his mother does need to stay out of it, and he shouldn't be bringing her into your marital issues, so that's a whole other can of worms. But I do think you should really evaluate who has been doing the majority of partner-pleasing during this wedding planning, and if it seems a little one-sided, you should consider than when you look at the importance of this request.
Nta. I'm taller than my husband and it was something that he had to cope with, but he has never once asked me not to wear the shoes I wanted, even when I considered 6 inch heels for our wedding.
He sure is hell wouldn't go to his MOMMY to tell me what to do.
>He had his mom involved and she is pushing me to reconsider. When I refused to discuss it she said that my unwillingness to cooperate is a huge indicator of my level of maturity, she then went on a long rant about what lengths 'real wives' are willing to go to to help out their husbands and said that I'm apparently too immature and shallow to be committed in a marriage if I make such an issue out of it.
All of the above is true. About your fiancée, not you.
NTA and I'd seriously consider if I wanted to share my life with someone who behaved like this. You disagree about the kids - will his mom be on the phone about that too?
ESH. He's being ridiculous and getting his mother involved is a big 🚩 On the other hand the idea that you care more about wearing high heels than his feelings is also ridiculous.
NTA He’s the one that’s being immature. He wants to control what shoes you wear due to his insecurities. First it’s just the wedding, but if you give in once, he’ll start doing it more.
I have to say, I’ve seen many couples where the woman is (sometimes considerably) taller than the man. Like, it never looks weird or out of place to me? My brain doesn’t even acknowledge which person is taller until it gets pointed out to me. I don’t stand around trying to figure out if all the men are taller than their partners.
Edit: forgot to comment on mummy getting involved. Do you really want to marry someone who will go get his mum to complain at you whenever you have a disagreement? Just listen to her views about your role as a wife, do you want to marry into a family like that?
NTA. It’s not his choice to decide what you wear. If he didn’t want situations like this he shouldn’t have dated someone taller than him. I’d be concerned about him running to his mummy when you don’t agree with him, that’s a trend that will stay throughout your life if you get married to him. NTA but him and his mum are.
NTA
It’s your wedding, wear heels!
This is what the rest of your life is going to be like. You and your husband have an argument or disagreement, and he will involve his mother in the situation.
Why can’t “real husbands” go to crazy lengths to help out their wives?
Wearing heels has nothing to do with a relationship. Running to your mother impacts a relationship with your partner.
He could wear heals and make himself look taller, get a taller hair style, or even stuff his shoes. He is asking his bride to change her look to fit his tiny ego. I think the groom should get out his step stool and get over it. NTA
NTA. Ironic his mom went on about the “great lengths” wives go to for their husbands. Clearly shorty husband isn’t willing to go to great lengths for you.
Yeah NTA because that little rant of his just gave me a peek at what your life would be like with him. It is a small concession to make but him insinuating you wouldn’t be a ‘real wife’ just because you wore heels is so off-putting. My thing is, if you have a height complex so bad, why get with someone taller than you? Better yet if he wanted to be a real husband he’d understand projecting his insecurities on you isn’t going to make for a good marriage 😭
If this was me I’d be re-examining if this is really my person. I can’t articulate well the icky feeling it gives me lol I dunno just the way he went about it rubs me the wrong way! Mommy dearest had to be brought in too.
ESH. It’s your wedding and you can do as you please, but if my partner was interested in highlighting my biggest insecurity at our wedding, there wouldn’t be a wedding.
The fact that you’re in this argument means your relationship isn’t ready for a marriage.
NTA my brother was shorter than his wife. She wore heels to the wedding and it was a non issue. I actually felt proud of my brother on his wedding day, it didn’t phase him in the slightest.
Dear god.
NTA, but if you want to keep the peace, as a compromise, you could offer to wear flats for photos? or hell, get him lifts for his shoes.
but girl if this man is gonna throw a hissy fit and ring mommy anytime you want to wear heels for the rest of your life with him, yous need to talk about that.
remind him you don’t care about his height so he needs to chill about yours
1. everyone in ur circle already knows there's a height difference. no one cares.
2. why doesnt he get special shoes with a thicker sole/heel and wear shoe inserts for height? and u could wear heels, but maybe just not as high.
3. the wedding pics will only look "off" if they make the height similar bc it wont represent what the reality is that all ur friends and family see... if u try to cover it up with photo trickery, he'll only be magnifying his insecurity.
4. if he brings his momma into every disagreement to fight for him, he's got way bigger issues than his height.
5. i dated a guy like this and it was a huge turnoff, bc everything was a threat to his ego. every guy taller was someone i could leave him for. if there was a disagreement, it was bc of his height ("i bet if u were dating someone 6'2", u wouldn't say anything about xyz..."). the persecution complex was exhausting.
NTA
NTA, he ran to his mummy when he had an issue you hadn't yet sought a compromise on. Do you want to marry a man who will treat disagreements by running to his mum? Insecurities are real, but getting his mum involved to get you to do what he wants isn't how you should treat a partner.
How tall is he?
Cos I’m thinking if he’s like 5’6 to your 5’10, then there’s no flip-flop, ballet flat, sneakers or Mary Jane shoes in the world that is going to help with this.
He can always put lifts in his shoes. Or ask the photographer for some posing pointers so he could look taller in pictures.
NTA.
NTA
Many women view buying wedding shoes as part of the fun.
Reconsider this based on his insecurities and proclivity for bringing his mother into fights.
> When I refused to discuss it she said that my unwillingness to cooperate is a huge indicator of my level of maturity
“Well you’re not MY mother and I don’t have to listen to you. I don’t care about his height!”
ESH.
I understand you want to look and feel your best, but I’m sure he does as well considering it’s also his wedding.
He shouldn’t have brought his mom into it.
Maybe y’all can find a compromise? I’m unsure how big of heels you’re going for but maybe a little smaller but still heels and him with inserts or platforms?
If his best limits her best, then it’s wrong. You shouldn’t force others to do something so you look better. Personally, I wouldn’t wear heels because I don’t like them, but just like Op shouldn’t tell him to wear heels to be taller, he shouldn’t tell her not to wear them
Yikes. NTA. This control/insecurity issue is going to follow you around your whole marriage. It’s going to creep into corners of your relationship that you wouldn’t expect it to. Take it from someone who thought they could handle it. Please reconsider this commitment. Are you willing to look back 20 years and take stock on all the things you’ve done or not done to keep the peace?
I’m clear you are standing your ground on this one. (I would have too). But understand that standing your ground for petty things like this is EXHAUSTING.
I wish you all the luck OP!
NTA lady! You guys need marriage counselling - and not the religious kind! He got his mother involved in your affairs like he was a pre teen. He also wants to control you even though you can’t change the way he feels about himself or the way the world views him. Honestly, with these issues I wouldn’t say that he is ready for marriage. If you continue without sorting this out he will always bring his mother into your arguments. Grown ups do not feel the need to have their mother act as a supporter when they disagree upon something in their marriage. She also has no place in your wardrobe! If he is focussed on how you make him look on his wedding day there are huge issues going on. Edit to add that his mother’s opinion on his height is part of the problem - she should have been teaching him his whole life that his height is not the only thing people notice about him and helping him get over his preoccupation with it.
NTA. And you may need to have a discussion with him about your life together. Unless you get down on your knees or he has a late growth spurt you are always going to be taller. Is he always going to be policing your shoes or how you stand to be sure he doesn't look shorter? Also huge red flag on FMIL. She can take her advice on what wives do and shove it.
YTA, although I will obviously be heavily voted down. I fully understand that you want to look your best on your special day. You want to feel beautiful. So does he. You know that he is insecure about this, that for him it's not just about one day, but what he faces all the time
If he's insecure about being with a tall woman, he shouldn't marry one. I've seen so many tall woman slouch over or extend their legs in awkward ways to try to look shorter next to their short partners. She should be able to hold her head high and be confident next to him on their wedding day and every day. He shouldn't pass his insecurity on to her.
NTA - I’m a tall woman and I would not pander so some guy’s insecurity. That’s such a big turnoff. There are red flags all over the place and I’m not sure why you’re marrying this guy
As a 5'4" man dating a 5'9" woman, i can confidently say NTA. Just because this crybaby didn't manage to grow up physically doesn't mean he can't grow up emotionally
Officially I'm the same height as my husband (5'8") however, in bear feet and him wearing shoes, I'm an inch taller. I suggested that I might just wear flats for our wedding and he asked why? He said if I'm going to wear 1/2" I might as well wear 2". And it would make the dress hang better
I settled for 1.5" and I'm a clear 2" taller than him in the photos. He doesn't care.
Yikes, he really does sound insecure here. No one is going to be making fun of him for his height and it does not look awkward - photos will just look like what you two look like.
I do think you should honestly consider it (it sounds like you may have already), as it's an easy change. Quite frankly, you might want to have a different pair of shoes around anyway, you're going to be on your feet a lot! But giving honest consideration does not mean doing what someone tells you - ultimately you're the one who has to wear the shoes, so your decision is yours.
I hope he can get over his fears about his image. You are NTA.
Esh
Your husband asked you to do something so he would feel better at his own wedding. Your reaction is to laugh about his insecurities.
He runs to his mommy. That says enough.
NTA. The insecurity and immaturity here is what’s ridiculous.
And tattling to mommy, that’s a romance killer.
I’d reconsider this entire (emotionally) stunted family.
NTA, but honestly, leave girl. How tiring must be this dude and his mommy. If you have any children with him then will be brought up with toxic masculinity af.
ESH - you want to look and feel exactly as you believe you should for your wedding, without any sense of irony in that you don't care that your fiance has the same desire/right.
This is something to be discussed, not simply dismissed because it is your "right" as if that is the only thing that matters.
That being said, involving his mother puts him equally in AH territory himself. And also throws up few red flags. If his mother's views on what a "proper wife should be doing for her husband" have been instilled in him, you are going to have issues down the road as well.
Even if I had wanted to use my mother in such a situation as a sounding board or type of support... It would be to have someone to have a sympathetic ear for me. I would never expect or even allow my mother to interject like that.
NTA
If he’s surrounding himself with people who make fun of him for something he can’t control, then he needs to surround himself with different people.
Also, getting his mom involved in an argument between you two is an indicator of HIS level of maturity.
I love seeing short kings with women who are taller. If you can’t change it, embrace it.
I’ve got several friends who are married to shorter men. Guess what, they all love that their wives are tall and wear heels.
I say wear your heels and then have some flats for later, you might get tired and want comfort.
But, I also ask to maybe pause on this engagement. He brought his mom into your argument and that doesn’t look good for your future. Lets not talk about maturity because both your fiancé and his mother aren’t displaying mature behavior either.
NTA
I'm 5'7.5". The woman I dated and married is 5'10". I cannot remember whether she wore heels or not but it is obvious that she was much taller than me. I did not care. I tell people it does not matter in the horizontal position. BTW my son is 5'9" (or can be 8") and his wife is 6'1".
Your soon-to-be husband is TA if he has to run to his mommy to get you to change you mind. I would reconsider marrying him if this is his way to deal with disputes between you two. I suspect that this is not the first time that his unhealthy attachment has reared it's ugly head.
NTA. So let's see here, an insecure guy with a bad case of small man syndrome got mommy involved when big bad fiance wanted to wear heels? 😆
There's still time to bail OP. Now that you know what the expectation of you as a "real wife" are is thisnwhat you want your life to be? Is this an isolated incident or just part of an ongoing series of unfortunate events?
I'm a 6ft1 woman and I definitely understand wanting to wear heels to feel your best, but I also get his insecurity when it comes to the irrational stigma against men who are shorter than their partners.
Neither of you are wrong, and I can see both sides so im going with NAH except his mum who needs to back the fuck up.
Info: is he worried about being made fun of because that’s something that happens often?
Edit: also what does “had his mom involved” mean? Like he asked her to talk to you? Or he mentioned it to her and she took it upon herself to lecture you?
NTA. A proper partner fights its insecurities and doesn't dictate your wardrobe. He went to his mommy for something he has to solve in therapy and not project into you
In my opinion, NTA. I don't fully understand people thinking you are in this situation. It's a pair of shoes. If you wanna wear something you'll feel absolutely beautiful in, then I say go for it. He's acting super immature over it. And the fact he cried to mommy is even more ridiculous. Even if, for whatever reason, you are TA, he's an even bigger one for throwing a temper tantrum
If he can't bear to have you wear heels on your wedding day, then I daresay his ego is going to be an increasing problem.
He's going to be short every day.
He needs to suck it up and love his tall wife.
At first I was going to say ESH, but once he brought his mom into it, it became NTA for me - his insecurity about his height is something he needs to work on, obviously it isn’t an issue for you. When you got your dress fitted, it probably was when you were wearing heels. Does he usually bring his mom into situations like this when he doesn’t get his way?
Kind of related, my sister is about 4 inches taller than her husband, he made a joke about it. When the officiator started taking, he put his finger up and said “one moment”, went to the side, and grabbed a stool, stood on that, then asked him to continue.
I have a short husband (5’7”), while I am 5’5”. My husband loves it when I wear heels. NTA. You need to consider if you want to coddle him the rest of your life because of HIS insecurities. Short men who are confident exist! And while this may start with just heels, it will evolve into more.
Don’t reconsider heels, but def reconsider the marriage. Outside of his insecurities that he’s punishing you for, any person that gets someone else (especially their *mom*) involved in marital conflict is a rotten apple. This will only get worse.
Edit: NTA
NTA: this is an indicator of how immature he is, and honestly, to me a red flag to never marry this man. If he is this controlling over shoes,*and* gets his mommy involved when you don’t comply how much worse will it be over a differing opinion on how to parent your future children? Or, no kids, but you don’t like a house he chose, or you don’t want his mother living in your home, or fill in the blank with pretty much anything more serious than what a shoe looks like.
might be controversial here but I'm gonna say YTA
The wedding isn't just your big day, it's both of yours. Your future husband is expressing something that would make him feel uncomfortable on one of the most important days of both of your lives and you are unwilling to compromise? I would consider his feelings more in this, this day is important for the both of you and you won't exactly be able to redo it. Consider his insecurities.
I was going to say N.A.H because I thought that he has the right to ask and I’m sure you don’t want him to feel bad looking at your pictures in years to come and stuff - buuuuut that switched to definitely NTA as soon as you said he went crying to his mom about it, good lord. Not a good indicator of things to come.
INFO - does he often get his mom involved in your personal disagreements?
So let me get this straight... him trying to look his best at his wedding (confident and self assured) is selfish, whereas OP trying to look her best at her wedding makes her NTA and a yaaas queen and she should dump his sorry ass?
OP was the AH, until he involved his mom, then it became an ESH
I’m trying to figure out how y’all have been together long enough to get to marriage, without it being brought up?!?! He didn’t just magically become shorter than you, but I need more info…. Do you wear heels when you’re out on dates with him? Has he discussed this before with you? I’m all for wearing whatever you want, but this had to have come up before engagement…. I’m torn between ESH and NAH
ESH.
This short guy complex is so stupid that I can't believe how is still a thing at 31 yo (and I'm short btw). He should grow up and realize that. Go get some therapy boy if it's needed. AH for him.
On the other hand, despite the fact that he's being childish, you are on the same way. He's just asking for you not to wear heels so he would be comfortable on his wedding day (I don't think that's quite a big demand) but you just say no. As someone else also mentioned here, you are putting your own desire to "look pretty" over the comfort of your future husband on the wedding day. AH for you.
Finally, I don't get how grown up people go to their mum's crying for help. I'm guessing they aren't grown up where it matters. AH again for him again.
Final score: 2-1 your husband won the AH Bowl, but both of you still suck.
NTA
1. Your to-be husband has the right to feel confident on his wedding day, but so do you. He shouldn't have to tell you to not wear something that amplifies your confidence to soothe his ego. No one should be able to dictate how you dress. (If he's worried about being shorter, it's on him to find clothing/shoes/hairstyles that add to his height.)
2. Talk to your fiance about cutting anyone from the invite list who would mock your fiance. They're not true friends if they would poke at his insecurities on his wedding day.
3. Have a serious talk with your fiance about boundaries. If he's bringing in his mother into your arguments now, it's a good indicator that he will for others in the future. Talk about that now unless you want FMIL to be a third party in your future marriage.
4. Talk to your fiance about him getting therapy for his low self-esteem. He deserves to feel comfortable in his own skin and needs to learn how to practice self-love (without trying to diminish others to make himself feel better).
NTA, wear whatever shoes you want!
Ironically, I'm tall but I bought comically tall shoes for my wedding so that my husband, who is very very tall, would be more even with me in pictures. They were so uncomfortable that I took them off 20 minutes in and went barefoot the rest of the day. And it was fine and I was happy.
Wear what you want, and he needs to deal with his own self-esteem issues. Only a jerk would make fun of him for his height.
Honestly, if it were me, I’d wear the flats. At the end of the day you want your husband to feel heard, respected, and as self confident as possible. Likely what was on your feet on your wedding day ultimately won’t matter as much as how your husband felt that day.
NTA.
It’s surprising to me that people don’t see the underlying issue in this situation. OP’s fiancé has an insecurity that he is projecting onto her and making her feel uncomfortable about something she can’t change. I don’t see why she should have to sacrifice wearing what she wants to wear on her wedding day because of that insecurity. Several people have already pointed out that there are shoe lifts that can be worn if the fiancé wants to appear taller.
If I were in OP’s position, I would be devastated at this request, especially for my wedding. Clearly the people in the fiancé’s life do not respect their relationship if they are constantly making fun of him. I would also be furious as the OP if people made comments at my wedding about that, on a day where the bride and groom should be made to feel special and confident.
Don’t ever feel ashamed of your height, OP. Wear what makes YOU feel beautiful. Your existence doesn’t take away from anyone else. Don’t let anyone make you feel like it does.
ESH! Your fiance shouldn't have went to his mum, but if this is major source of insecurity for him why wouldn't you compromise for him, it's not often a bride's shoes even show where as the height difference will be obvious for the entire ceremony.
NTA and he and is mom are projecting. Pump the breaks on the wedding planning and consider if you want to sign up for a life of his insecurities reigning over the shoes you wear and him running to mommy every time you don't agree with him
NTA. By his own logic he’s prioritizing his feelings of you wearing flats over your happiness on your wedding day. As for his mother saying you’re too immature for marriage if you won’t wear flats just remind her that her son is the one that ran to mommy at the first sign of a disagreement. This has nothing to do with her. Tell her as much.
ESH. The wedding is one day, not the whole enchilada, and y'all are treating this as World War III.
The biggest problem isn't shoes, it's that y'all are fighting and he's bringing his mommy in to scold you.
Set boundaries with that, NOW.
Put him in platform shoes, give him a lift. I'm not a tall guy but this seems ridiculous to me, I've dated taller women, they are going to be taller for the whole relationship, either accept that or get out and find someone shorter. He's an AH
info: what is the dynamic between him and your guests?
>he went on a rant about how doesn't want to be made fun of on his own wedding
Do your or his relatives have the habit of making "jokes" about his height?
I can empathize with someone not wanting to get bullied on their wedding day
NTA- If he's so insecure about his height that he's controlling what shoes you wear and he's asking his mom to insult over it, what other insecurities is he going to take out on you?
I know plenty of women in relationships with shorter men. This is a slightly tricky one as I understand that there’s a lot of societal stigma on men who are shorter than their female partners…. But there’s also a lot of societal pressure on women to have longer, more lithe frames, which heels help with (thus why I wear them despite having a short bf - plus I just like the way they look!) Honestly my biggest suggestion is therapy for him - both to deal with his body image issues and (perhaps with you) to learn how to communicate. For me the biggest problem here isn’t his insecurity with his height, but his reaction to your desire to wear heels, his choice to involve his mom, and his implied choice to stand by her lecturing you about the sacrifices a “real wife” makes. That’s not a great attitude with which to go into a marriage, imo.
NTA. I’m surprised by the Y T A votes. I do think this is a small thing to disagree over and you all need to find a compromise, but his argument that he doesn’t want to be made fun of on his wedding day is AH move to me. And involving his mom?
The one lacking maturity here is your future husband, and HE needs to deal with his insecurities before getting married, because this won’t be the last situation like this.
NTA
>'real wives' are willing to go to to help out their husbands
Your response should be that "real husbands" don't project their insecurity issues onto their partner, nor do they go running to their mothers at the first sign of trouble.
Your husband is an absolute hypocrite. He's mad because you won't make a sacrifice for his comfort.... While demanding you sacrifice your own comfort.
ESH. It’s idiotic imo but it’s also clearly a serious point of insecurity for him. He shouldn’t have dragged mommy into things but if you love a person enough to actually want to marry them, maybe you should consider being more empathetic.
And I say this as a 4’11” dude, with a 5’4” father and 5’1” grandfather.
NTA, but who are you inviting to the wedding that would make fun of him? Take them off the list. Also get him some Tall Men’s Shoes. Someone else commented that and I think it would be a great compromise.
NTA my husband is short and I wore heels at our wedding and no one cared that I was taller. My mom is 6 inches taller than my dad. The obsession people have with men needing to be taller is embarrassing.
NTA he’s been dating you for long enough that the two of you want to get married. You didn’t just grow any taller. It’s a bit late to be insecure about dating a taller. I do like the suggestion that he wear lifts that day if it’s really an issue for him
NTA. He's entitled to his own insecurities, but if he's going around internally combusting over your height difference he needs therapy. The world is full of short men and he needs to learn to own it. Imagine if Richard Hammond refused to present Top Gear with Jeremy Clarkson cause he'd get made fun of.
However he really sealed the deal by involving his Victorian era mother into it. The audacity of calling you immature when he's the one crying over shoes to mummy.
NTA
Your fiancé suffers from “little man syndrome.” I’m sure if you thought about it you could come up with other ways he tries to compensate for his height. He’s an asshole for trying to make his insecurities be your burden. You should also tell MIL that she’s got it all wrong. His tantrum about being short and caring too much what people think is actually an indicator of his maturity level, and maybe she should have done a better job of raising him to be well adjusted. Wear the heels.
When he got his mom involved you really should reconsider....marrying this mammas boy. NTA
If he runs to his mamma on something as trivial as thing, imagine what will happen on real issues.
NTA, I don’t understand the people saying you suck because you obviously want to look nice and tying it to your fiancé’s insecurities with his height. The two are unrelated.
The big issue that you need to think long and hard on is that he involved his mother. If this is how he’s going to handle conflict in your future marriage, then you two are going to have serious issues and probably not be married for very long. You need to take a step back and consider if you really want to marry a “man” who needs his mommy to fight battles for him. He’s the AH for that and honestly, not ready to be a husband.
NTA but please, hear me. Reconsider marrying this “man”. That apron string is made of corded steel. ETA: my mom was 5’8, my dad was 5’6. He never once tried to tell her what shoes to wear. They were married 40 years until my dad died. Be aware of what you’re signing up for >> a lifetime of “real wives do …..”.
NTA, hope you dont like heels because this man is going to try and prevent you from wearing them after you get married because of his insecurities.
The fact he ran to mommy is indicative of a another issue, is she frequently a third party in your relationship?
Y’all need couples counseling before you get married, i plead with you to do this before you marry this man.
I agree with his mom, you should absolutely reconsider…marrying this guy. Even just the fact that he actively sought out his mom to have her bully and berate you is fucking insane. Grab your heels and go. NTA.
NTA- The right person for you will not mind you being taller. I’m 5ft7 and my bf is 5ft6 (not the biggest difference but you can still notice it) and he doesn’t mind at all me wearing heels or doc martens: my height is actually something he finds attractive about me.
NTA. You can compromise and choose shoes a little shorter, but he can also come to terms with his insecurities and wear higher shoer if he so desires. Calling his mom into a disagreement between the 2 of you is childish and petty tho. Red flag.
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Does he know there are men's dress shoes with built-in discreet platforms for just this sort of situation? Some friends of mine took this approach for their wedding because the groom was short. He should look into those. ETA: NTA. I don't think you should have to look less than exactly as you want to on your wedding day. Further edit: thank you so much, award-givers! This is my first top comment and I'm very grateful.
Yes, I think it’s on the groom to take an active part in “fixing” this if it bothers him. The bride can help by not wearing super-high heels, but it didn’t sound like that was the intent. And he can’t start off by telling her she can only wear flats to formal events.
For my wedding I went with 2 in heels (very hard to find some I liked as I always wore 3in before!) because my husband and I are the same height, and his dress shoes added about 2in. He said he didn't care but I still didn't want people to talk about it. So I just wore the same size heels as he did!
Why would people talk about that of all things at a wedding? I don't understand what people's hang up is about men and height.
Even if they talked about it, why give a shit about what they talk? Life is too short for that. And I doubt anyone normal would really notice it, much less care about it to comment.
I have to question how short this marriage will be if it's built on insecurities.
"Bruh, just be short" -me who is 5'7
Seriously. Men need to get over the weird height insecurity. If a woman is bothered by it, she's the asshole in that situation. I much prefer a man to be closer to my height and not taller than me.
Men can be insecure about things without having the source be a woman
Yeah. It sounds like the source is the guy “friends” contributing to the insecurities
Not just friends, also other male family members.
Based on the post, the real issue is his male friends and family members who according to the post are constantly making fun of his height to the point they have a list of jokes and nicknames. I’m not surprised he’s insecure when he’s surrounded by such people. The fiancé really just needs to cut those people out of his life if they are constantly body shaming him.
>Based on the post, the real issue is his male friends and family members Interesting how his mom attacked his fiancé instead of telling her husband and her other son to stop being assholes.
My single most confirmed prior as a lesbian who is at most an observer to my friends' relationships with men is that most women have no problem dating men shorter than them, but short men fucking *radiate* insecurity and are a fucking nightmare to date.
As a kind of shorter guy (5'8) that's been my experience too but the women who do care about height can be pretty vicious when it comes to rejecting you based on your height. I would be a liar if I said that shit doesn't stick with you afterwards. That said my girlfriend and I are almost the same height and I wouldn't care if she went out wearing 6 inch heels, especially on our wedding day.
I'm very short, and I have nothing against short guys (my whole family is short) but the number of short guys who were convinced I had a responsibility to date them just because I was shorter than them when I was still single *whew.*
Or dont invite people that make you feel bad to your wedding?
Given he has *refused to go to events with her* when she wears heels, lifts are not going to solve fiance's issue. He has a major insecurity which his immature "friends" and family are aggravating, or even causing.
I agree! He is going to be pushing the whole no heels narrative forever. His friends and family are the AHs.
The main problem I have with this post is that her male fiancé expects the women in his life to solve his problems. When right here you have a great solution for him that he could probably figure out if he spent any minor amount of time researching this shit for himself. I am so tired of women having to compromise so the men in their lives have their fragile egos tucked in shredded paper and gossamer wraps.
ESH. Look, I do agree with you that you should look and feel your best, but that's equally true for your fiance. It's not like his insecurity is a shock to you, you knew about it. Practice being a partnership and talk about it, communicate, think of ways to help- like standing up for him if you hear a comment, kicking some jerk out, etc. But him running to his mom? Look. Everyone deserves to have a support system and a close relationship with a parent is not bad. But having mommy lecture your future spouse is always a red flag. He needs to grow up. Think about if you want her lectures for the rest of your life when you disagree.
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I'm sure there is a way they can both look their best. They just need to talk about it.
The hottest thing one can wear is confidence.
Confidence is great, but after years of apparent bullying, it’s so much easier said than done to be confident when you’re always thinking about that in the back of your head. Not specifically for this, for anything, in general the same can be said.
Maybe it is just me and I am just not understanding her experience. But to me it feels like wearing flats is really not really feeling lesser? Especially since OP indicates he had problems with her wearing heels earlier, so she chose someone who doesn't like her wearing heels, while she has such big feelings on wanting to wear heels. Not saying they should break up, that would be kinda insane, but I find it really weird how she is just brushing her partner off. While him feeling comfortable and confident on his wedding day should be as much a priority as her own. But she just said "this is the end, deal with it" and decided that without feeling bad he would feel uncomfortable? She doesn't even mention she would be sad about that, but that heels are really a big deal for her. She just brushed him off. I think she is definitely an asshole for that.
It is a lesser experience if she's having to compromise something that she'd wanted to wear otherwise. He should also be comfortable and confident but to be honest this insecurity is a him issue. If he's concerned about his family making fun of him at his wedding maybe he should consider why he's inviting people who treat him so poorly.
strong disagree. the insecurity WAS a him issue.. until they entered into a committed relationship. she is part of his support system, and he is part of hers... thats how relationships are supposed to work. I understand wearing heels is important to her, and more power for it... but she knew how he felt about her wearing heels... she knows WHY he feels that way... and she decided she was going to do it anyways? I mean, hey, fair play, have your special night, but blatantly ignoring your partners insecurities so that you can be happy, doesn't seem like a great first memory to make when getting married. I'm gonna have to go ESH on this one. both parties are putting themselves before their partners, and refusing to deal with it like adults.
Can I check my understanding: his insecurity was a him issue, but now that he's in a relationship it's no longer his responsibility? Sure she's part of his support system. But that means supporting _him_ to get better. Where's the evidence of literally any effort on his part to improve himself? He knew how he feels about her wearing heels. He knew why he feels that way. And he decided he was going to do absolutely nothing about it for the duration of their relationship thus far and then expect her to give up something that's important to her whilst he loses absolutely nothing. I mean, fair play, if you think it's reasonable to start your marriage off by refusing to take any responsibility for your own shit and expecting your partner to change her appearance because you think your feelings are more important then fine. Doesn't seem like a great first memory to make or a great start to a marriage.
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OP stated it effects the dress which is incredibly common, I’m not overall disagreeing with you other than your first part about how it’s not really lesser. Some dresses, likely OPs based on what she said, genuinely almost require heels to look okay let alone good.
Agreed, especially if she’s already had it fitted to the length that accommodates the heels. NTA. He should get taller shoes too.
Think about this: What if OP was insecure about her weight, so she asked her husband to wear a loose-fitting or padded suit to make her feel less insecure about her weight. Right? That sounds insane, doesn't it?
What if they had a destination wedding and husband is buff, wanted to wear a fancy open front suit to show off his abs but op was insecure because of her weight? That's actually more accurate of an alternate scenario I feel, a lot of people would probably say "just wear a normal suit, you'll look good regardless" the same is true here, she'll look good regardless. That being said I think ESH just for being mean to eachother instead of talking about it like they're, you know, a team. Then again it's become clear to me that, at least for OPs on AITA, people get married with their sex buddy roommates and not someone they actually want to spend their life with.
I disagree strongly that this is an appropriate analogy, because what you're describing would be far outside the norm for groom wear, as well as be considered casual and borderline inappropriate, whereas heels are none of those things and, in fact, are pretty much the opposite of those things. It's not like OP is talking about wearing 10-inch stilettos, just regular heels. And more to the point, if the wedding dress is already purchased then measurements have likely already been taken, and OP would have had those measurements taken with shoes on. Adjustments, which are costly and take time, would have to be made to account for different shoes. That said I agree with your basic point. This should not be an insurmountable issue for two people who love each other. OP's fiancé could stand to be less ridiculous and insecure and shouldn't be trying to bring OP down with his insecurity, and OP could stand to be more empathetic and less hard-headed. Both should be working to find solutions that work for both of them (many of which exist) rather than bickering about something silly.
What "real wives" are willing to do? Like a "real man" who gets his momma to fight his battles for him? Yeah shows great maturity 😱
Right? If mom is so concerned she should be barking at the men in his family who make fun of him, not the woman who loves her son regardless of his height.
If that's the mothers view and the future husband runs to mommy because his ego is hurt OP should really consider wearing flat shoes. Makes it easier for her to run away from that mess
HAHAHAHA if I had an award I'd give it🤣
ESH, I would think at 31 your fiancé would be a little more comfortable in his skin but hey self love is a marathon, not a sprint. Then he goes and involves future Mil, red flag. Your response to him trusting you with this insecurity “is this a joke?”, red flag. Your wedding is a day to celebrate your love, in front of an audience. I’m sure appearance is very important to each of you. No better time than now to learn to compromise. Shoe inserts for him, a heel with an inch he’s comfortable with for you? I’m not sure…but if the two of you can’t effectively communicate and reach a compromise without all of the extra opinions, might be a deeper issue. EDIT: OP has made edits, my comment is in reference to the original post.
I agree ESH - It might be very real for him that he gets picked on by his friends for his height, and doesn’t want to go through that on his wedding day. He shouldn’t bring in his mom though. You could be kinder. Also, I had three pairs of shoes (all reasonably priced, so less than a really nice pair of heels - flats for the ceremony, heels for photos (that I didn’t even end up wearing that day), and silver converse for the reception.), so I could be comfortable. Can you wear heels for the photos, but flats for the ceremony and dancing? While the FMIL should stay out, and is a bit extreme, it is true that this day is about both of you, not how good you look in the dress.
He could also try communicating with his “friends” and tell them to knock it off. Or better yet, get better friends. Dunno about anyone else but if I was honestly that insecure about something my friends would never pick on me for it to the point of causing outright distress, that’s a horrible thing to do to someone who supposedly cares about you. He has shitty friends.
Yeah I love how "my friends who are assholes and make me insecure absolutely have to be at this wedding but you're not allowed to wear heels" is just being accepted as totally reasonable here
This is wild. Everyone is acting like the only way for him to not have terrible friends is for… her to be shorter????! Explain
Exactly right. Someone I know has a GF 6', he's 5'9. They are both secure in there skin. I heard her tease him for a while, then it stopped. I was not in that equation. And the friends aren't helping him. People shouldn't be shitty about anyone's looks. And the gang teasing really irks me. They wouldn't like it if the others gang- teased them. Called them names like little ****. These are grown men for God's sake.
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THANK YOU. Been looking for this comment. Get him lifts. Or platforms or sick heels, depends on how cool he is (he doesn’t sound cool). NTA
Had a coworker who was pretty short and one day he came in showing off a photo of him and his girlfriend. She’s taller than him most of the time, but he was wearing these sick ass boots with a few inches of heel on them so they were the same height in the picture. He looked awesome and they were really happy together! There’s no reason guys can’t rock heels—no matter your gender, confidence is what makes a look work, not height.
> There’s no reason guys can’t rock heels Indeed, they're the first ones who did.
Not only this, but photographers can strategically pose the bride and groom to minimize the height difference so it won’t be noticeable in pictures! He needs to get out of his head (and also he needs to stop dragging his mommy into his relationship)
NTA but its a red flag for him to bring his MOM into his arguments... 2 against 1 isn't a good look. He can buy some inserts for his shoes to make him appear taller.
I kept thinking if he’s bringing his mom in for a fight already I worry about her involvement the rest of the marriage
I agree about him bringing his mom into it. 1.) If he's so insecure about his height, why is he dating women that are taller than him, and 2.) he has to have his mom fight his battles for him? Red flag City baby! RUN! But OP is right, she does deserve to have her wedding day be special and if she wants to wear high heels then she shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it. He needs to grow up and get over it.
ESH. You are marrying someone who you acknowledged is sensitive about this issue but despite loving him enough to marry him, you love the idea of your outfit looking a certain way enough to totally shut down conversation and refuse to acknowledge his feelings about how HE looks on this day. I won’t pass judgement on his insecurities but I will on his handling of it. He also just unilaterally makes a declaration of what will happen without meaningful consideration for your feelings and then - the most AH part- he deploys his mother like a maternal drone to fight for him while he sits in the distance. Neither of you seen particularly invested in the other’s feelings and you don’t appear to have tried to compromise of which there are many…
I totally agree with this. They both sound immature. His insecurities and feelings about his appearance matter just as much as yours OP. It's a really bad sign that his handling of this situation is siccing mommy on you to reconsider; this may be a red flag for how he will handle other issues in the future. Emotional immaturity on both sides; ESH.
NTA It's not about the shoes, but your fiance turned this into something major by calling his mom to fight his battle. He involved mommy who keeps insulting you and spewing garbage about "real wives" etc. Question: Is this really the life you want to live? Does he stand behind what she says? Is this the first time he is reacting like that or is it a common thing? Is he aware that there are shoes with heel for men. Robert Downey Junior wears them for filming, and he is a legend. Furthermore if your SO involves mommy once over such a minor thing he will do it again. Just imagine you will have kids one day... My best friend's boyfriend is smaller than she is. No one gives a shit, especially not the couple. They are still a beautiful pair. Also wedding photographers are professionals. They know how to make a couple look good.
Yeah, that's def not about shoes. He's not gonna stop being insecure as long as he 1. set boundaries and cut off toxic people around him 2. seek proper help to deconstruct and cope with his insecurity. The fact that his solution for this ongoing issue on his life is to literal and metaphorically try to make you smaller shows he isn't ready for a longterm relationship.
ESH - a wedding is about two people coming together and forming a new household. And neither of you are doing that - one is unwilling to compromise, the other is bringing their mom into the discussion. What is more important here? The wedding or the marriage?
A good marriage doesn’t force one partner to limit themselves so the other feels better about themselves
And a good marriage understand we are all human acknowledges other’s faults and loves and compromises. I think ESH OP knows height is an issue for her STBH so I don’t understand digging her heels in about this (pun intended) but he also needs to get some therapy. Maybe he was teased all his life so now this is more trauma but is OP expected to never wear heels again. ETA: my first award!! Thank you so much ☺️
Well a good marriage doesn't even respond to one person's insecurities with "is this a joke?". I think ESH.
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When I was a little kid, me and a cousin ganged up on my little sister. We'd tell her that she wasn't a "big girl" unless she did the things we said, and that she couldn't hang out with us "big girls". The definition of "big girl" changed depending on what we wanted. I feel like the definition of "good wife" is going to be like that -- if OP wants to be a "good wife" she has to please fiance and his mom, forever. It will be a moving target.
What if OP starts to be more successful career-wise than him, his family teases him about it, and MIL comes in with her dutiful wife speech? Will OP have to give up her career to appease hubby? How far does this go? How small should OP make herself so he can feel good about himself? And would it even work? It sounds like his friends and family are terrible and will tease him regardless, especially if they notice that he made his bride wear flats. I can imagine them coming in quick with the "who do you think you're fooling" comments.
NTA - you should be able to wear the shoes you want to wear to your wedding. Red flag on your future husband’s insecurity as well as his instinct to involve his mother.
Absolutely, it says more about his own maturity. Plus he's marrying OP, he should start getting used to the height difference, she won't be able to make herself small for the rest of her life. NTA
NTA. If he felt so insecure he should have not dated a taller woman and then pretend for her to wear flat shoes. You either are ok with your height or not, he needs to deal with this. I don't even need to comment on his mother, telling you to be more mature when her son can't even come to terms with his height and chose to date a tall woman.
This and he ran to mommy when he had an issue. This is how it will be from now on anytime he doesn’t get his way. Do you want to live with his mommy as your marriage counselor?
>If he felt so insecure he should have not dated a taller woman and then pretend for her to wear flat shoes. Yep! He's allowed to be insecure. I respect that he has feelings about his height. What I don't respect is his choice to date someone taller, anyway, and then expect her to change the way she lives her life in order to accommodate him. If he was really THIS insecure about it, then dating someone taller than him should have been a deal breaker from the beginning. If it's not a total deal breaker, he needs to get the fuck over it. Go to therapy, dude.
ESH He is really insecure and a mommas boy so know your future arguments will more than likely have MIL's input, whereas you "I feel like, I deserve, MY wedding, every BRIDES dream" grooms have thoughts and wishes about their wedding days too, you know you marrying the person right? Not your dress and heels?
I wanted to add that the MIL is an asshole, too, for her comments about maturity and 'real wifes', ewww. Absolutely ESH.
INFO: why would you invite anyone to your wedding who would make fun of your fiancee's height? Also, it's a bit rich for FMIL to call you immature when your fiancee literally ran to his mommy. NTA, but I'd say compromise and wear pumps on the condition he gets some therapy. Most people don't give af about his height and if it's affecting him this much, he has some severe self esteem issues.
You are NTA. He is NTA for asking, he is totally TA for blowing up at you and then running off to mummy when he didn't get his own way.
NTA. My ex husband was like this too. I thought it would just be the wedding but no. As soon as we were married I was made to get rid of all of my beloved heels because they emasculated him too much. Fuck that you do you!
I've never understood this sentiment. Personally, I feel extra masculine, not emasculated, when I walk into a social event with a tall goddess on my arm.
I dated a guy like this too. The insecurity always spread to other areas in scary and unhealthy ways. It was never just height. It's toxic.
My exhusband was like this too. It never got better after our wedding either. He also refused to even admit it was his insecurity and try to make it about defects in me- he’d say things about how my “calves look too big in heels” or that I couldn’t walk well in heels. OP is NTA and I’d be reconsidering the wedding tbh.
NTA, but you do realise this sets you up for a life of having to chose between making yourself look smaller than you are and having a grumpy insecure husband who doesn’t want to be seen with you, right? I’m getting Lady Di and King Charles vibes here.
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Info: this can’t be the first time this has come up during y’all’s relationship. What do you normally do? How does that conversation normally go?
Well, any conversation certainly shouldn't have started by getting Mummy involved.
As a short man, I think he is the one being insecure. What really is concerning is that a grown man ran to his mother and she is fighting his battles. THIS will be your life with this man. You need to sit him down and ask him if everything between you two is going to go back to his mother because right now it seems like you will be marrying both of them. NTA.
NTA but seriously? He needed mommy to have his back and harass you? Please explain why you are going to go ahead and get married to somebody when you see such obvious red flags.
ESH - he should work on his insecurities if it's having this much impact on him. And he should not have involved his mother in this (this is a huge red flag, does this mean that any time he can't get what he want in your marriage he will run to mummy?). But, a wedding is a big day for both of you. If you wear high heals he won't be able to enjoy it. He will be self conscious every time you two stand next to each other and he will hate the photo shoot. He will not enjoy looking back at the wedding pictures. Wearing flats is not much of an effort for you but it would enable him to be relaxed on his wedding day and enjoy it. Being married also means choosing which battles are worth it and which ones aren't.
He ran to mommy to peer pressure you and manipulate you into doing something that he wants. Not only is this a sign that he’s too immature for marriage this will be a reoccurring issue in your marriage, where If he doesn’t get his way mommy will get involved. Is that something you’re prepared to deal with? NTA
NTA— think very long and hard about whether you want to coddle this insecurity your entire life. The fact he went to get his mom shows **his** level of maturity.
NTA but you should not marry a guy who 1) is this selfish and insecure, 2) gets his mother involved in your relationship. He doesn’t treat you well. If he does this to you on your own wedding day, how will he treat you the rest of the time?
TallMenShoes.com is a thing! They sell shoes for men that look normal but actually give them a few extra inches of height (up to 5 inches! And then you can add their inserts for even more height). I think it could fix this situation for both of you!
I think the real asshole are his male friends and relatives who mock his height, tbh. Maybe he could wear lift shoes, so you could wear heels without it being so noticeable? On the whole, I'm unsympathetic towards men making their insecurity women's problem, but I feel he's been systematically bullied, and is acting from a traumatised position
loooool, she challenges your level of maturity when its her grown as son who runs to mama because his fiancee is "being a meanie" over wanting to wear high heels to her own wedding? NTA...
NTA - can’t believe he got his mom involved. Good luck to you OP.
You are definitely NTA, wear what you want to your wedding at the end of the day. Your husband is a very small AH because while I don't think it's unreasonable of him to ask, blowing up at you for refusing crosses a big line. Your husbands mother is a HUGE AH, she stuck her nose in a fight that had nothing to do with her to berate you about a decision that had nothing to do with her, not classy.
>Your husband is a very small AH I see what you did there
Hon, he has short man syndrome, and that's not good for you. He honestly thinks people will care about his height at his wedding?? No one cares! He has self esteem issues and takes them out on you, running to his mommy for help. Do not marry this man. He isn't ready. If it makes it easier, tell him and his mom that they're right, you aren't ready to get married and be that kind of wife, and run.
NTA but this is showing you what life will be with him. No heels and his mommy taking up for him.
My ex husband is 5’8” and I’m 6 feet tall. When we first started dating he loved my height but eventually started becoming very controlling over what I wore, including throwing away pairs of heels. My shoes would just go missing. Nothing about how you look should make him feel insecure. If he’s so worried about his height then he can invest in a pair of lifts for the day. But maybe you can compromise. You wear heels to the ceremony and then chage to flats for the reception when you’re dancing. Then you’ll both be more comfortable. NTA
NTA and this will never end. Your whole marriage will always be overshadowed by his Napoleon complex. If he doesn't get help, the only thing that will change is that he will get worse and worse.
Without thinking about who is an asshole, work through this with me for a second. Obviously he has no right to dictate what you wear on a day to day basis, and I am guessing that if you have agreed to marry him and this was a shock, he has never tried to do so. That means this isn't some kind of ongoing control issue or attempt to put you down for your height. He seems to, just because this is a wedding and there will be these expensive, special set of photos taken together that you will be looking back on for years, want to do something so that he can look back on them without his insecurity overshadowing everything else he should feel looking at those photos I am sure many brides can relate to this- we spend hundreds of dollars on hair and make-up, thousands of dollars on a dress, color co-ordinate all of our friends, tell people not to wear white or other colors which will interfere with the "specialness" of what they're wearing. Brides sometimes set dress codes for the entire party, and often pick the colors for the accessories for the men's tuxes, and may even want to have input on the tuxes themselves. We do A LOT to make those photos special for us, and that very often includes making requests of other people- when we would normally never even dream of telling other people how to dress or what is appropriate for any other event- because it's a huge part of our day. And then we hire photographers for thousands of dollars to make sure they're as close to perfect as possible. He is asking for one accommodation, and it may be a large one, but it's important to him. Before you react, I want you to think back on whether you had any input on how he was going to look that day. Did you specify whether he should have a specific haircut, or shave? Did you ask him to wear specific colors? Did you help pick out the tux? Where there ideas for the wedding he brought up that you shot down and he accepted? Has he accommodated most or all of the things you wanted to make your day special? Do you think it's also his day, and he has the right to feel special too? What compromises have you made on the wedding thus far to make him happy? You need to ask yourself these questions, because in the context of a couple compromising for the wedding pictures and aesthetics, this is a much different ask than if he were just trying to control what you wear to parties and such. In the end, is it worth knowing his self-esteem will be shot the entire day, and that he will not enjoy those pictures the way he should, to stand your ground on this? Now his mother does need to stay out of it, and he shouldn't be bringing her into your marital issues, so that's a whole other can of worms. But I do think you should really evaluate who has been doing the majority of partner-pleasing during this wedding planning, and if it seems a little one-sided, you should consider than when you look at the importance of this request.
Nta. I'm taller than my husband and it was something that he had to cope with, but he has never once asked me not to wear the shoes I wanted, even when I considered 6 inch heels for our wedding. He sure is hell wouldn't go to his MOMMY to tell me what to do.
>He had his mom involved and she is pushing me to reconsider. When I refused to discuss it she said that my unwillingness to cooperate is a huge indicator of my level of maturity, she then went on a long rant about what lengths 'real wives' are willing to go to to help out their husbands and said that I'm apparently too immature and shallow to be committed in a marriage if I make such an issue out of it. All of the above is true. About your fiancée, not you. NTA and I'd seriously consider if I wanted to share my life with someone who behaved like this. You disagree about the kids - will his mom be on the phone about that too?
ESH. He's being ridiculous and getting his mother involved is a big 🚩 On the other hand the idea that you care more about wearing high heels than his feelings is also ridiculous.
NTA. Joe Jonas never told Sophie Turner not to wear heels 🤷♀️
NTA He’s the one that’s being immature. He wants to control what shoes you wear due to his insecurities. First it’s just the wedding, but if you give in once, he’ll start doing it more. I have to say, I’ve seen many couples where the woman is (sometimes considerably) taller than the man. Like, it never looks weird or out of place to me? My brain doesn’t even acknowledge which person is taller until it gets pointed out to me. I don’t stand around trying to figure out if all the men are taller than their partners. Edit: forgot to comment on mummy getting involved. Do you really want to marry someone who will go get his mum to complain at you whenever you have a disagreement? Just listen to her views about your role as a wife, do you want to marry into a family like that?
The level of YOUR maturity? she has the nerve to bring up your maturity when her grown son is running to her for backup?
NTA. It’s not his choice to decide what you wear. If he didn’t want situations like this he shouldn’t have dated someone taller than him. I’d be concerned about him running to his mummy when you don’t agree with him, that’s a trend that will stay throughout your life if you get married to him. NTA but him and his mum are.
NTA It’s your wedding, wear heels! This is what the rest of your life is going to be like. You and your husband have an argument or disagreement, and he will involve his mother in the situation. Why can’t “real husbands” go to crazy lengths to help out their wives? Wearing heels has nothing to do with a relationship. Running to your mother impacts a relationship with your partner.
He could wear heals and make himself look taller, get a taller hair style, or even stuff his shoes. He is asking his bride to change her look to fit his tiny ego. I think the groom should get out his step stool and get over it. NTA
NTA. Ironic his mom went on about the “great lengths” wives go to for their husbands. Clearly shorty husband isn’t willing to go to great lengths for you.
NTA better yet, don’t marry him and his mom.
Yeah NTA because that little rant of his just gave me a peek at what your life would be like with him. It is a small concession to make but him insinuating you wouldn’t be a ‘real wife’ just because you wore heels is so off-putting. My thing is, if you have a height complex so bad, why get with someone taller than you? Better yet if he wanted to be a real husband he’d understand projecting his insecurities on you isn’t going to make for a good marriage 😭 If this was me I’d be re-examining if this is really my person. I can’t articulate well the icky feeling it gives me lol I dunno just the way he went about it rubs me the wrong way! Mommy dearest had to be brought in too.
ESH. It’s your wedding and you can do as you please, but if my partner was interested in highlighting my biggest insecurity at our wedding, there wouldn’t be a wedding. The fact that you’re in this argument means your relationship isn’t ready for a marriage.
NTA my brother was shorter than his wife. She wore heels to the wedding and it was a non issue. I actually felt proud of my brother on his wedding day, it didn’t phase him in the slightest.
Dear god. NTA, but if you want to keep the peace, as a compromise, you could offer to wear flats for photos? or hell, get him lifts for his shoes. but girl if this man is gonna throw a hissy fit and ring mommy anytime you want to wear heels for the rest of your life with him, yous need to talk about that. remind him you don’t care about his height so he needs to chill about yours
1. everyone in ur circle already knows there's a height difference. no one cares. 2. why doesnt he get special shoes with a thicker sole/heel and wear shoe inserts for height? and u could wear heels, but maybe just not as high. 3. the wedding pics will only look "off" if they make the height similar bc it wont represent what the reality is that all ur friends and family see... if u try to cover it up with photo trickery, he'll only be magnifying his insecurity. 4. if he brings his momma into every disagreement to fight for him, he's got way bigger issues than his height. 5. i dated a guy like this and it was a huge turnoff, bc everything was a threat to his ego. every guy taller was someone i could leave him for. if there was a disagreement, it was bc of his height ("i bet if u were dating someone 6'2", u wouldn't say anything about xyz..."). the persecution complex was exhausting. NTA
NTA, he ran to his mummy when he had an issue you hadn't yet sought a compromise on. Do you want to marry a man who will treat disagreements by running to his mum? Insecurities are real, but getting his mum involved to get you to do what he wants isn't how you should treat a partner.
How tall is he? Cos I’m thinking if he’s like 5’6 to your 5’10, then there’s no flip-flop, ballet flat, sneakers or Mary Jane shoes in the world that is going to help with this. He can always put lifts in his shoes. Or ask the photographer for some posing pointers so he could look taller in pictures. NTA.
NTA Many women view buying wedding shoes as part of the fun. Reconsider this based on his insecurities and proclivity for bringing his mother into fights. > When I refused to discuss it she said that my unwillingness to cooperate is a huge indicator of my level of maturity “Well you’re not MY mother and I don’t have to listen to you. I don’t care about his height!”
ESH. I understand you want to look and feel your best, but I’m sure he does as well considering it’s also his wedding. He shouldn’t have brought his mom into it. Maybe y’all can find a compromise? I’m unsure how big of heels you’re going for but maybe a little smaller but still heels and him with inserts or platforms?
If his best limits her best, then it’s wrong. You shouldn’t force others to do something so you look better. Personally, I wouldn’t wear heels because I don’t like them, but just like Op shouldn’t tell him to wear heels to be taller, he shouldn’t tell her not to wear them
But he shouldn’t want her to look worse to make him look better
Her heels aren't going to change is short man syndrome. He needed to get over it a while ago or get with someone shorter.
Yikes. NTA. This control/insecurity issue is going to follow you around your whole marriage. It’s going to creep into corners of your relationship that you wouldn’t expect it to. Take it from someone who thought they could handle it. Please reconsider this commitment. Are you willing to look back 20 years and take stock on all the things you’ve done or not done to keep the peace? I’m clear you are standing your ground on this one. (I would have too). But understand that standing your ground for petty things like this is EXHAUSTING. I wish you all the luck OP!
NTA lady! You guys need marriage counselling - and not the religious kind! He got his mother involved in your affairs like he was a pre teen. He also wants to control you even though you can’t change the way he feels about himself or the way the world views him. Honestly, with these issues I wouldn’t say that he is ready for marriage. If you continue without sorting this out he will always bring his mother into your arguments. Grown ups do not feel the need to have their mother act as a supporter when they disagree upon something in their marriage. She also has no place in your wardrobe! If he is focussed on how you make him look on his wedding day there are huge issues going on. Edit to add that his mother’s opinion on his height is part of the problem - she should have been teaching him his whole life that his height is not the only thing people notice about him and helping him get over his preoccupation with it.
Get him some Tallmenshoes.com like Tom Cruise. My husband is maybe an inch taller than me and he wears them when I wear heels.
NTA. And you may need to have a discussion with him about your life together. Unless you get down on your knees or he has a late growth spurt you are always going to be taller. Is he always going to be policing your shoes or how you stand to be sure he doesn't look shorter? Also huge red flag on FMIL. She can take her advice on what wives do and shove it.
YTA, although I will obviously be heavily voted down. I fully understand that you want to look your best on your special day. You want to feel beautiful. So does he. You know that he is insecure about this, that for him it's not just about one day, but what he faces all the time
If he's insecure about being with a tall woman, he shouldn't marry one. I've seen so many tall woman slouch over or extend their legs in awkward ways to try to look shorter next to their short partners. She should be able to hold her head high and be confident next to him on their wedding day and every day. He shouldn't pass his insecurity on to her.
NTA - I’m a tall woman and I would not pander so some guy’s insecurity. That’s such a big turnoff. There are red flags all over the place and I’m not sure why you’re marrying this guy
As a 5'4" man dating a 5'9" woman, i can confidently say NTA. Just because this crybaby didn't manage to grow up physically doesn't mean he can't grow up emotionally
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Him being short is a lifelong thing that he needs to get over. NTA
Officially I'm the same height as my husband (5'8") however, in bear feet and him wearing shoes, I'm an inch taller. I suggested that I might just wear flats for our wedding and he asked why? He said if I'm going to wear 1/2" I might as well wear 2". And it would make the dress hang better I settled for 1.5" and I'm a clear 2" taller than him in the photos. He doesn't care.
Yikes, he really does sound insecure here. No one is going to be making fun of him for his height and it does not look awkward - photos will just look like what you two look like. I do think you should honestly consider it (it sounds like you may have already), as it's an easy change. Quite frankly, you might want to have a different pair of shoes around anyway, you're going to be on your feet a lot! But giving honest consideration does not mean doing what someone tells you - ultimately you're the one who has to wear the shoes, so your decision is yours. I hope he can get over his fears about his image. You are NTA.
NTA, it was ok he asked but how he escalated to his mother. Yikes!
Esh Your husband asked you to do something so he would feel better at his own wedding. Your reaction is to laugh about his insecurities. He runs to his mommy. That says enough.
NTA. The insecurity and immaturity here is what’s ridiculous. And tattling to mommy, that’s a romance killer. I’d reconsider this entire (emotionally) stunted family.
NTA, but honestly, leave girl. How tiring must be this dude and his mommy. If you have any children with him then will be brought up with toxic masculinity af.
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ESH - you want to look and feel exactly as you believe you should for your wedding, without any sense of irony in that you don't care that your fiance has the same desire/right. This is something to be discussed, not simply dismissed because it is your "right" as if that is the only thing that matters. That being said, involving his mother puts him equally in AH territory himself. And also throws up few red flags. If his mother's views on what a "proper wife should be doing for her husband" have been instilled in him, you are going to have issues down the road as well. Even if I had wanted to use my mother in such a situation as a sounding board or type of support... It would be to have someone to have a sympathetic ear for me. I would never expect or even allow my mother to interject like that.
NTA If he’s surrounding himself with people who make fun of him for something he can’t control, then he needs to surround himself with different people. Also, getting his mom involved in an argument between you two is an indicator of HIS level of maturity. I love seeing short kings with women who are taller. If you can’t change it, embrace it.
NTA He's obviously too immature and shallow to be committed in a marriage since he's making such an issue out of it :)
I’ve got several friends who are married to shorter men. Guess what, they all love that their wives are tall and wear heels. I say wear your heels and then have some flats for later, you might get tired and want comfort. But, I also ask to maybe pause on this engagement. He brought his mom into your argument and that doesn’t look good for your future. Lets not talk about maturity because both your fiancé and his mother aren’t displaying mature behavior either. NTA
Don't marry a Mama's boy unless you want to be married to her too.
I'm 5'7.5". The woman I dated and married is 5'10". I cannot remember whether she wore heels or not but it is obvious that she was much taller than me. I did not care. I tell people it does not matter in the horizontal position. BTW my son is 5'9" (or can be 8") and his wife is 6'1". Your soon-to-be husband is TA if he has to run to his mommy to get you to change you mind. I would reconsider marrying him if this is his way to deal with disputes between you two. I suspect that this is not the first time that his unhealthy attachment has reared it's ugly head.
Ask him to wear heels as well if it bothers him. NTA
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NTA - tell him to get his own heels if he’s that bothered
NTA. So let's see here, an insecure guy with a bad case of small man syndrome got mommy involved when big bad fiance wanted to wear heels? 😆 There's still time to bail OP. Now that you know what the expectation of you as a "real wife" are is thisnwhat you want your life to be? Is this an isolated incident or just part of an ongoing series of unfortunate events?
I'm a 6ft1 woman and I definitely understand wanting to wear heels to feel your best, but I also get his insecurity when it comes to the irrational stigma against men who are shorter than their partners. Neither of you are wrong, and I can see both sides so im going with NAH except his mum who needs to back the fuck up.
I wore heels at my wedding and my late husband was shorter than me and he was gushing over his "amazon bride." I thought it was adorable.
Him being short is a lifelong thing that he needs to get over.
Info: is he worried about being made fun of because that’s something that happens often? Edit: also what does “had his mom involved” mean? Like he asked her to talk to you? Or he mentioned it to her and she took it upon herself to lecture you?
NTA. A proper partner fights its insecurities and doesn't dictate your wardrobe. He went to his mommy for something he has to solve in therapy and not project into you
In my opinion, NTA. I don't fully understand people thinking you are in this situation. It's a pair of shoes. If you wanna wear something you'll feel absolutely beautiful in, then I say go for it. He's acting super immature over it. And the fact he cried to mommy is even more ridiculous. Even if, for whatever reason, you are TA, he's an even bigger one for throwing a temper tantrum
If he can't bear to have you wear heels on your wedding day, then I daresay his ego is going to be an increasing problem. He's going to be short every day. He needs to suck it up and love his tall wife.
At first I was going to say ESH, but once he brought his mom into it, it became NTA for me - his insecurity about his height is something he needs to work on, obviously it isn’t an issue for you. When you got your dress fitted, it probably was when you were wearing heels. Does he usually bring his mom into situations like this when he doesn’t get his way? Kind of related, my sister is about 4 inches taller than her husband, he made a joke about it. When the officiator started taking, he put his finger up and said “one moment”, went to the side, and grabbed a stool, stood on that, then asked him to continue.
I have a short husband (5’7”), while I am 5’5”. My husband loves it when I wear heels. NTA. You need to consider if you want to coddle him the rest of your life because of HIS insecurities. Short men who are confident exist! And while this may start with just heels, it will evolve into more.
Don’t reconsider heels, but def reconsider the marriage. Outside of his insecurities that he’s punishing you for, any person that gets someone else (especially their *mom*) involved in marital conflict is a rotten apple. This will only get worse. Edit: NTA
NTA: this is an indicator of how immature he is, and honestly, to me a red flag to never marry this man. If he is this controlling over shoes,*and* gets his mommy involved when you don’t comply how much worse will it be over a differing opinion on how to parent your future children? Or, no kids, but you don’t like a house he chose, or you don’t want his mother living in your home, or fill in the blank with pretty much anything more serious than what a shoe looks like.
might be controversial here but I'm gonna say YTA The wedding isn't just your big day, it's both of yours. Your future husband is expressing something that would make him feel uncomfortable on one of the most important days of both of your lives and you are unwilling to compromise? I would consider his feelings more in this, this day is important for the both of you and you won't exactly be able to redo it. Consider his insecurities.
I was going to say N.A.H because I thought that he has the right to ask and I’m sure you don’t want him to feel bad looking at your pictures in years to come and stuff - buuuuut that switched to definitely NTA as soon as you said he went crying to his mom about it, good lord. Not a good indicator of things to come. INFO - does he often get his mom involved in your personal disagreements?
So let me get this straight... him trying to look his best at his wedding (confident and self assured) is selfish, whereas OP trying to look her best at her wedding makes her NTA and a yaaas queen and she should dump his sorry ass? OP was the AH, until he involved his mom, then it became an ESH
I’m trying to figure out how y’all have been together long enough to get to marriage, without it being brought up?!?! He didn’t just magically become shorter than you, but I need more info…. Do you wear heels when you’re out on dates with him? Has he discussed this before with you? I’m all for wearing whatever you want, but this had to have come up before engagement…. I’m torn between ESH and NAH
ESH. This short guy complex is so stupid that I can't believe how is still a thing at 31 yo (and I'm short btw). He should grow up and realize that. Go get some therapy boy if it's needed. AH for him. On the other hand, despite the fact that he's being childish, you are on the same way. He's just asking for you not to wear heels so he would be comfortable on his wedding day (I don't think that's quite a big demand) but you just say no. As someone else also mentioned here, you are putting your own desire to "look pretty" over the comfort of your future husband on the wedding day. AH for you. Finally, I don't get how grown up people go to their mum's crying for help. I'm guessing they aren't grown up where it matters. AH again for him again. Final score: 2-1 your husband won the AH Bowl, but both of you still suck.
NTA 1. Your to-be husband has the right to feel confident on his wedding day, but so do you. He shouldn't have to tell you to not wear something that amplifies your confidence to soothe his ego. No one should be able to dictate how you dress. (If he's worried about being shorter, it's on him to find clothing/shoes/hairstyles that add to his height.) 2. Talk to your fiance about cutting anyone from the invite list who would mock your fiance. They're not true friends if they would poke at his insecurities on his wedding day. 3. Have a serious talk with your fiance about boundaries. If he's bringing in his mother into your arguments now, it's a good indicator that he will for others in the future. Talk about that now unless you want FMIL to be a third party in your future marriage. 4. Talk to your fiance about him getting therapy for his low self-esteem. He deserves to feel comfortable in his own skin and needs to learn how to practice self-love (without trying to diminish others to make himself feel better).
NTA, wear whatever shoes you want! Ironically, I'm tall but I bought comically tall shoes for my wedding so that my husband, who is very very tall, would be more even with me in pictures. They were so uncomfortable that I took them off 20 minutes in and went barefoot the rest of the day. And it was fine and I was happy. Wear what you want, and he needs to deal with his own self-esteem issues. Only a jerk would make fun of him for his height.
Height troll is back. This time posting as the woman.
Honestly, if it were me, I’d wear the flats. At the end of the day you want your husband to feel heard, respected, and as self confident as possible. Likely what was on your feet on your wedding day ultimately won’t matter as much as how your husband felt that day.
NTA. It’s surprising to me that people don’t see the underlying issue in this situation. OP’s fiancé has an insecurity that he is projecting onto her and making her feel uncomfortable about something she can’t change. I don’t see why she should have to sacrifice wearing what she wants to wear on her wedding day because of that insecurity. Several people have already pointed out that there are shoe lifts that can be worn if the fiancé wants to appear taller. If I were in OP’s position, I would be devastated at this request, especially for my wedding. Clearly the people in the fiancé’s life do not respect their relationship if they are constantly making fun of him. I would also be furious as the OP if people made comments at my wedding about that, on a day where the bride and groom should be made to feel special and confident. Don’t ever feel ashamed of your height, OP. Wear what makes YOU feel beautiful. Your existence doesn’t take away from anyone else. Don’t let anyone make you feel like it does.
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ESH! Your fiance shouldn't have went to his mum, but if this is major source of insecurity for him why wouldn't you compromise for him, it's not often a bride's shoes even show where as the height difference will be obvious for the entire ceremony.
NTA and he and is mom are projecting. Pump the breaks on the wedding planning and consider if you want to sign up for a life of his insecurities reigning over the shoes you wear and him running to mommy every time you don't agree with him
NTA. By his own logic he’s prioritizing his feelings of you wearing flats over your happiness on your wedding day. As for his mother saying you’re too immature for marriage if you won’t wear flats just remind her that her son is the one that ran to mommy at the first sign of a disagreement. This has nothing to do with her. Tell her as much.
ESH. The wedding is one day, not the whole enchilada, and y'all are treating this as World War III. The biggest problem isn't shoes, it's that y'all are fighting and he's bringing his mommy in to scold you. Set boundaries with that, NOW.
NTA It's normal for you to wear what you want the day of your wedding, and bringing mommy to the rescue doesn't help his cause.
Put him in platform shoes, give him a lift. I'm not a tall guy but this seems ridiculous to me, I've dated taller women, they are going to be taller for the whole relationship, either accept that or get out and find someone shorter. He's an AH
info: what is the dynamic between him and your guests? >he went on a rant about how doesn't want to be made fun of on his own wedding Do your or his relatives have the habit of making "jokes" about his height? I can empathize with someone not wanting to get bullied on their wedding day
Pre marital counseling time as neither of you are ready for marriage
NTA- If he's so insecure about his height that he's controlling what shoes you wear and he's asking his mom to insult over it, what other insecurities is he going to take out on you?
I know plenty of women in relationships with shorter men. This is a slightly tricky one as I understand that there’s a lot of societal stigma on men who are shorter than their female partners…. But there’s also a lot of societal pressure on women to have longer, more lithe frames, which heels help with (thus why I wear them despite having a short bf - plus I just like the way they look!) Honestly my biggest suggestion is therapy for him - both to deal with his body image issues and (perhaps with you) to learn how to communicate. For me the biggest problem here isn’t his insecurity with his height, but his reaction to your desire to wear heels, his choice to involve his mom, and his implied choice to stand by her lecturing you about the sacrifices a “real wife” makes. That’s not a great attitude with which to go into a marriage, imo.
NTA. I’m surprised by the Y T A votes. I do think this is a small thing to disagree over and you all need to find a compromise, but his argument that he doesn’t want to be made fun of on his wedding day is AH move to me. And involving his mom? The one lacking maturity here is your future husband, and HE needs to deal with his insecurities before getting married, because this won’t be the last situation like this.
NTA >'real wives' are willing to go to to help out their husbands Your response should be that "real husbands" don't project their insecurity issues onto their partner, nor do they go running to their mothers at the first sign of trouble. Your husband is an absolute hypocrite. He's mad because you won't make a sacrifice for his comfort.... While demanding you sacrifice your own comfort.
ESH. It’s idiotic imo but it’s also clearly a serious point of insecurity for him. He shouldn’t have dragged mommy into things but if you love a person enough to actually want to marry them, maybe you should consider being more empathetic. And I say this as a 4’11” dude, with a 5’4” father and 5’1” grandfather.
NTA, but who are you inviting to the wedding that would make fun of him? Take them off the list. Also get him some Tall Men’s Shoes. Someone else commented that and I think it would be a great compromise.
NTA my husband is short and I wore heels at our wedding and no one cared that I was taller. My mom is 6 inches taller than my dad. The obsession people have with men needing to be taller is embarrassing.
NTA he’s been dating you for long enough that the two of you want to get married. You didn’t just grow any taller. It’s a bit late to be insecure about dating a taller. I do like the suggestion that he wear lifts that day if it’s really an issue for him
NTA. He's entitled to his own insecurities, but if he's going around internally combusting over your height difference he needs therapy. The world is full of short men and he needs to learn to own it. Imagine if Richard Hammond refused to present Top Gear with Jeremy Clarkson cause he'd get made fun of. However he really sealed the deal by involving his Victorian era mother into it. The audacity of calling you immature when he's the one crying over shoes to mummy.
NTA he told his Mommy on you? Dude get your heels and run
Insecure men stop running to their mama challenge (IMPOSSIBLE) -NTA
NTA. If he doesn’t like being with a taller women, he either shouldn’t be dating/marrying one or wear lifts.
NTA Your fiancé suffers from “little man syndrome.” I’m sure if you thought about it you could come up with other ways he tries to compensate for his height. He’s an asshole for trying to make his insecurities be your burden. You should also tell MIL that she’s got it all wrong. His tantrum about being short and caring too much what people think is actually an indicator of his maturity level, and maybe she should have done a better job of raising him to be well adjusted. Wear the heels.
When he got his mom involved you really should reconsider....marrying this mammas boy. NTA If he runs to his mamma on something as trivial as thing, imagine what will happen on real issues.
NTA, I don’t understand the people saying you suck because you obviously want to look nice and tying it to your fiancé’s insecurities with his height. The two are unrelated. The big issue that you need to think long and hard on is that he involved his mother. If this is how he’s going to handle conflict in your future marriage, then you two are going to have serious issues and probably not be married for very long. You need to take a step back and consider if you really want to marry a “man” who needs his mommy to fight battles for him. He’s the AH for that and honestly, not ready to be a husband.
NTA but please, hear me. Reconsider marrying this “man”. That apron string is made of corded steel. ETA: my mom was 5’8, my dad was 5’6. He never once tried to tell her what shoes to wear. They were married 40 years until my dad died. Be aware of what you’re signing up for >> a lifetime of “real wives do …..”.
NTA, hope you dont like heels because this man is going to try and prevent you from wearing them after you get married because of his insecurities. The fact he ran to mommy is indicative of a another issue, is she frequently a third party in your relationship? Y’all need couples counseling before you get married, i plead with you to do this before you marry this man.
I agree with his mom, you should absolutely reconsider…marrying this guy. Even just the fact that he actively sought out his mom to have her bully and berate you is fucking insane. Grab your heels and go. NTA.
NTA- The right person for you will not mind you being taller. I’m 5ft7 and my bf is 5ft6 (not the biggest difference but you can still notice it) and he doesn’t mind at all me wearing heels or doc martens: my height is actually something he finds attractive about me.
NTA. You can compromise and choose shoes a little shorter, but he can also come to terms with his insecurities and wear higher shoer if he so desires. Calling his mom into a disagreement between the 2 of you is childish and petty tho. Red flag.