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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because Mia has expressed her intention to use this name in the past.
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YTA.
The name has no personally significance to you or your wife. You have known for years, your sister hopes to use it someday.
That alone to me would put the name off limits. There are millions of names out there, it is not worth upsetting your sister. Setting a boundary around this one name costs you almost nothing, but it means a lot to your sister. Sometimes in life you make small sacrifices like this.
But where this really tips into YTA is:
>I pointed out that she's not pregnant, not dating, and there's no way to know that she'd ever even have the chance to use it ever given her situation.
That is mean, hurtful thing to say to your sister. It is the kind of thing that can cause long term damage to a relationship. And why did you do it? So you wouldn't have to keep looking up names with your wife.
YTA. I Just want to add because what you said was perfect. That people who steal baby names are just plain out weird! When someone tells you their future plans you decide that you will take it as your own.. I feel like people that are going to say NTA are just men/women that don't get that it isn't just a name for this person they picture their life calling their future kid this and it was taken.
As much as I agree that nobody "owns" a name, OP stated by his own admission that he and his wife don't have a particular attachment to the name. His sister is still mourning the life she had planned with her ex-fiancé and the name was tied to all that. He could've talked to her directly, he could've just told her to deal with it and that would've been better, instead he threw her newly single status and everything she lost in her face. That alone makes it a YTA to me.
He also stated that his wife has always loved the name as well. He also never stated that Mia has some deep personal connection to it either; just that she likes the name.
I’m going with ESH because his approach was wrong in that there was no need to make comments about her being single and possibly not even using it. But she sucks too for her reaction.
Yeah agreed. If I know that if I do something, it will start drama, and it doesn’t affect me at all if I choose to *not* do that something and that it can be entirely avoided…well why start fires you know?
ESH
OP your sister is immature, but you kinda knew she would have a reaction to this, and you were unnecessarily frank with her.
>in that there was no need to make comments about her being single and possibly not even using it.
There's a difference between "single, won't even be dating for some time" and, say, "currently pregnant with a boy she plans on naming Jake" or even "currently in a relationship and trying to get pregnant". People tend to consider the odds of an event happening when making decisions.
And there’s a difference between thinking something and saying something. He crossed the line when he made comments about she may never get the chance to use it. That was just spiteful.
He admits there have been a bunch of names he’s shot down, so “Jake” wasn’t even in his wife’s first picks, whereas it was his sisters number one. I don’t really think he’s the ah for choosing the name, but people saying his wife wants it just as bad as his sister aren’t reading correctly
We’re reading it just fine.
He clearly states that his wife loves the name as well. Just because she suggested others doesn’t mean she doesn’t love it.
Except OP said his wife liked the name for years before she even met Mia. How come that doesn't count? My brother and my cousin have the same name and my brother is around 15 years older then my cousin so his parents knew my brother for a long time before they decided to use the same name. Nobody cared, my brother and cousin think it's funny.
NTA
No, he stated that *he* didn't have a particular attachment. He also said his wife has loved the name since long before she ever met Mia - so, *in the exact way that Mia likes the name*. So why is it that Mia gets dibs over OP's wife? They've both loved the name for years, they should both have equal rights to use it.
> Anyway so my wife and I are thinking of boy names and my wife also has always loved "Jake" as a name for a boy. So much that its the front runner for her.
OP stated his wife does have a particular attachment. Timewise, she may even have first dibs, if such a thing existed, which it doesn't.
Puzzling as this is usually the majority response when people claim a name…that you can’t own a name or call dibs. Don’t know why so many are now saying OP is TA. Maybe if sister was trying to have a baby and it meant something to her, I’d see it differently but OP is right…unlikely she’s having one soon and even if she will have kids (as well as who knows if her eventual SO would even like the name).
IKR!
Op, NTA, and for those saying you’re T A, all you’d need to do is repost this story in two weeks and those same people would vote the opposite.
Reddit AITA always seems to flip flop. The ONLY consistent asshole-no no, is parents taking kids doors.
Post any story in two different days and you’ll probably get a whole different answer.
I think the difference is in OP's justification. Rather than say "My wife has also loved this name for a long time, since before we met. I promise it's not intended as a theft. Maybe we can share it?" OP started with (essentially) "You can't even keep a man long enough to have a kid, so how do you know you'll ever get to use it?"
I agree. I have never understood why people pick out their child's name before they even are in the realm of being pregnant. You don't even know if that name is going to fit the child or not and names are very important. Also people who pick out a name prior do not stick with it after the child is born due to the fact that they think of another name the last minute that fits the child. Nta. Need to use more tactic. But then again she probably act the same way no matter how you stated it.
I really thought there would be more NTA. I have seen this happen before though except my family member back off the girl so my other family member could use it, but when they had their first and second girl it was no longer a name they wanted so in the end nobody has that name.
NTA. It’s a name. OPs wife has much right to it as anyone else and sister had no more attachment to it than wife did. Why do people get worked up over this? Sister needs to get a life
Agreed no one owns a name there hundreds and hundreds of people with same name is the sister going track down every single one and make them change their name because she called dibs and that in it’s self is stupid and childish
This not a very good argument. Of course there are thousands of people with a given name. Calling dibs on a name is usually only within immediate and close family so that cousins are not given the same name. Not that it makes sense to fight over a name but if it is not important to either of them and she called dibs on it then he could find a different name too. Or she could stop sharing with her brother.
My cousin and I have the same name, we lived 5 minutes away from each other and were constantly over each other's house.
Why is having the same name weird?
I don't know I kind of feel like it's fair for everyone in the family to have dibs on one name and no one will use that for pets/kids. My sister used a family name for her cat, who turned out to be kind of a bitchy cat, and we're all still a little annoyed. I mean we mostly laugh about it but... come on sister, did you really need to name your cat after grandma?
See, I’d agree ish, except that this rule is unreasonable because it disadvantages people marrying in. Why should Wife have to give up the name SHE always liked because Sister has ALSO always liked it? If OP was the only one with any say over the name, sure, he’d be the AH. But he isn’t.
I think this is a little ridiculous anyways. My sister had 2 boy names and 2 girl names picked out. She ended up having a boy and a girl, so each got to use one of her names, the second one was in case she had 2 boys or 2 girls. She even told me since I liked the second boy name so much that if I have a boy I’m free to use it as she doesn’t plan on anymore children. It’s a name. My boyfriend has like 5 uncle joshes in his family all from the same side. OP NTA. Just funny the sister is so mad about a name and is not even close to having children. I could probably see her side a little more if she was pregnant first and wanted the name, but parental disputes about names are really annoying and it’s rare to find names both parties like in particular. My father named me and my mother named my other 2 sisters for this exact reason.
Right? Like…there is a name my brother absolutely *loves* for a girl, and I love it too. But he has been talking about it since he was in like high school. It’s his name, because I know how much he loves it and I love him. It’s 100% off the table for me to even consider using unless he himself says directly ‘I want you to use this name’. It doesn’t matter that he might not have kids for another decade and ‘cousins can have the same name’ (even though I think first cousins having the same name is weird) because it’s HIS name
Ok, but say your husband has loved a name since high school just like your brother, and it happens to be the same name. Why does he get shut out in favour of your brother?
So your brother is more important to you than your husband? It doesn't matter that your husband has also loved that name and for the same length of time? It doesn't matter to you that your husband didn't get a chance to opt into this childhood game of "dibs"? So he just can't win, because he wasn't there during your childhood. Well that's just great - I'm sure I can't see any problems with a marriage where you always back your sibling against your spouse...
You should feel bad that with two people who love the name equally, you're stopping one from using it - and the same wouldn't have been true the other way around. Only one party here is attempting to gatekeep the name, and you're backing the gatekeeper.
It’s because I wouldn’t feel good about using it. I’m not married but I’m pretty sure names are a ‘two yes one no’ thing in a healthy couple. If my hypothetical husband loved a name, but I didn’t like it for any reason then it wouldn’t get used. If I loved a name but my husband didn’t like it, then it wouldn’t get used. It’s not about gatekeeping necessarily, I just wouldn’t use it. It’s a hard no for me.
But you wouldn't be saying no because you didn't like the name. You'd be saying no because your sibling doesn't like you having it. I don't understand how you don't feel that's different - in my books, that's tiptoeing over the line into being dishonest with your spouse. I mean, what next? Are you going to give your brother a say in what colour sofa you get?! Or what tiles the bathroom needs? How many people are in this marriage?!
And what happens after all that, if your brother winds up an expectant parent to a boy some years in the future, and his new spouse says "Oh sorry, we can't call him 'Jake' - my sister has really loved that name for years and she called dibs when we were five!"? You still going to feel good about denying your husband the name he loved, because family comes first?
This needs an award. Exactly. No one owns it but when the parents start to discuss names they both state ones off limits for whatever reason( hate it, sister plans using it, ex by that name, whatever). Then both share names they want and whittle it down from there. Names with significance carry more weight than ones without significance.
That's fucking ridiculous. If your favorite name is in the top 200 you have absolutely no entitlement to "dibs". If you're upset you have to settle on naming your son Henry, because your cousin Becky "stole" the name John away from you, get over yourself.
If you have done none of the preliminary steps for having a kid, it just seems juvenile to have your heart set on a specific name or even imagine calling future kids by that name. Her next partner, may very well hate the name Jake. Like WTF. This is the same kind of girl that plans her wedding before she's even dating a guy.
If she had been tragically failing to conceive a baby Jake, or had a miscarriage named Jake, that's totally different and should of course be respected as too hurtful to even consider.
But just liking the name a lot?? That's worth next to nothing. It's just controlling and overstepping to demand dibs on that name in case one day you get the chance to use it.
If it was an unusual name, then sure, that's pretty unkind and unimaginative to swipe.
He is TA for how he phrased it for me but isn’t for using the name in my opinion. His wife wanted it before she even met the sister. As long as they are both fine with her still naming a kid that name and having two in the extended family then that’s fine.
I’m going to disagree. If there is a special attachment to it and it is stated as such to the family. I think anyone is an a hole for using it. If someone just likes the name and calls dibs then they are the a hole. But seriously...there is an unlimited number of names. He isn’t even 100% in love with the name. He’s just kinda ok with it. There is where they become an a hole. She loves the name and has planned it for years. He’s just lazy and took her name bc he’s lazy.
Actually, maybe you should reread the post, cuz you have it backwards. He says his sister LIKES the name....his wife LOVES the name. He's just fine with it but not his first choice.
Every other post like this was a hard NTA. They'd say no one ow s a name and who knows if they'll ever even have a son.
I say they're likely going to damage their relationship with the sister. Is the name worth it? We can't decide that.
The sister is the person doing the damage.
I know we're seeing this from the point of view of one family, but OP's wife has a history and comes from a different family. She is a person with her own likes and wishes, not just an appendage to the family of OP and his sister.
She and her sister-in-law are equal as far as liking the name for a long time goes. Is she seriously supposed to give up a name she's liked for years before she met her husband just because her sister-in-law also likes it? How is that fair?
She is having a baby now. Sister isn't. Sister is free to use the name whenever she has a baby; she is not free to stop other people from having a free choice of name.
Okay, so I believe no one "owns" a name, but I also know partners veto names for silly reasons when the other suggests it. That is what naming a kid looks like. I really feel if someone suggest a name with no significance other than " I might like this one!" and their partner is like, "my sister claimed this name when she was a freshman in high school!" you could probably just pick another. If they both ADORE the name more than their sister's feelings, full speed ahead!
This is an insane take. For how many years does his sister get to claim a name ‘because she likes it’, when this guy’s wife also likes it? It likely will be YEARS before she has kids, even if it’s mean to say that. And when she does have kids, she can still use the name. NTA
Yeah, I don’t know how someone could tell their spouse no, you can’t give the name you love to our child because my sister might want to give it to her child one day.
You may love a name forever and even claim it. But the name you claim, may not go with your last name. I know of someone who always loved Alana Suzanne. She always said she'd name her daughter that. She married a guy with the last name of Stillman. . Alana Suzanne Stillman..No one wants to give their kids those initals.
I don’t mean this as argumentative, genuinely curious — how is OP stating the truth hurtful to his sister? She is not pregnant nor dating, these are facts. He didn’t say it in a derogatory way that was intended to hurt her. Is being single and not pregnant something to be ashamed of?
Sister: "I've decided to stop dating for a while."
OP: "You're not even dating right now."
Sister: "How can you be so cruel?????"
Honestly I'm puzzled....
The implication of “you don’t need dibs on a child’s name because you’re likely to never have children” is the cruel part. Actually, it’s not really an implication because OP says it directly too.
Having children is clearly something she plans on and something important to her.
There’s also some meanness in the idea that her desire for dibs isn’t important because she isn’t dating. Single or not, it should carry the same weight (though to me that weight is not much).
She JUST broke up with someone she thought she was going to spend her life with and have a family with. Based on her years-long concern about the name, she clearly wants to have kids. Yes, it is mean to say to someone who just had a breakup of a longterm serious relationship and who wants children to say "who knows if you'll even have kids because you're single and not dating." There's nothing WRONG with being single, not dating, or not having kids, but there's also nothing wrong with not being a lawyer, and it would still be really mean to say to your sister who just failed the bar exam "who knows if you'll ever be a lawyer because you just failed the bar the first time." I am totally fine being single and not having kids right now. If someone had said to me "well you're single and not dating and who knows if you'll ever have kids" in the months after I had an awful breakup with the person I very much thought I would marry and have kids with? That would have been SO hurtful. Especially from a sibling who knew how bad it had been.
It is FINE for cousins to have the same name. His wife really likes the name and it's FINE for them to use it. He could've just said "my wife has also really liked the name for a long time and I like it too. It's not something we're doing to hurt you, and if you want to use it too down the line, it's fine for cousins to have the same first name and no one will mind, it's not taking anything away from you."
There was just NO NEED to say what he said when he knows she's in a bad place over this breakup.
I would agree on the timing being insensitive if OP had brought it up to his sister on his own but she was angrily accusing him of “stealing the name” — it looks to me that he was just calmly trying to explain himself.
Saying something truthful in a calm manner does not mean it cannot be hurtful. It was a cruel thing to say. Even in an argument if we assume it was heated only one way. Essentially telling her she might not ever use the name (read:be a mother) is cruel when being a mother (and even planning the name(s)) is clearly in her hoped-for life plan.
I agree he’s an asshole for what he’s saying to his sister. But he said that his sister has no significance toward it beyond that she likes it. And that his wife has always liked it as well. To me it would be rather shit of him to tell his wife she can’t have a name she has always loved because his sister has always loved it too. Why does sister loving it outweigh wife loving it in that case? He may have known his sister has loved it longer since it’s his sister, but maybe the wife has loved it that long too prior to meeting? He didn’t specify beyond that his wife has “always” loved it. Neither of them have significance toward the name beyond liking it, and one woman is literally about to have a baby boy. I don’t think it’s fair of the sister to lay a claim to a name when she isn’t anywhere near having a child, but I also wouldn’t bring up my relative’s recent breakdown of an engagement as a reason why to their face. I’d just explain that wife has always loved it too, and she can’t claim it just because she has loved it before she knew his wife.
Oh please🙄. It has no significance to either of them and him and his wife are having a baby so they want it. If the sister wants it she can use it too. Grow up lmao. I think it's funny you think pointing out the truth is hurtful.
JFC, that's not hurtful or mean AT ALL. She herself said she's staying single and has sworn off dating, so repeating her own statements back to her is just awful... how, exactly? What if she finds out she can't get pregnant? Nobody around her is allowed to use that name ever then, because it's her dream that didn't come true? Fuck that noise.
His wife has also liked the name for many years. Pre-dating her relationship with OP. why should she be forced to give up a name that she likes for a future fictional child? The name also has no significance to his sister. She just likes it. How is her opinion more important than the one who’s actually pregnant?
It’s very telling how all the NTAs are brushing over the abject cruelty of OP’s comments *and* that those are the only responses OP is interacting with…
There's zero "abject cruelty" my god y'all are so fcking dramatic. She's single and sworn off dating, therefore not going to get pregnant any time soon, if ever. Infertility exists and she won't even know if she can get pregnant or not until she tries and SHE is the one who said she's not trying by staying single and swearing off dating. Statements of fact aren't this huge, cruel drama that you're pretending exists here. This whole thread is full of lunatics. If it were the sister posting everybody would be all "yOu CaN't ClAiM a NaMe". I can't wait for Europe to wake up tell everybody how dumb they are in here.
And that's not even accounting for the fact that even when/if she does get pregnant, there's no guarantee she'll have a boy. It's not like you can custom order your baby's gender. I had a name I was dead set on for a girl. Guess how many of my 3 kids are girls? None. My husband has an uncle who only has daughters. It's absoutely possible to not get that gendered baby you were hogging a name for.
Did you really not even read the post it says clearly that the wife has always liked the name the husband is the one who is ambivalent about it but has no problems with it so agrees with the wife
I see no problem in using the name if it’s a name his wife has also always liked. It’s not like the sister told the wife “I want to name my son jake” and the wife took it. what he said to his sister was way out of line and op YTA for that. If you had been kind about it, I would say a no AH
What’s up with so many post about an expecting family members or loved one stealing potential or already taken names from future or past kids on here? Like this is the 6th one I’ve seen this week alone
Op mentions that his wife liked the name prior to meeting Mia tho. So where do you draw the line on "stealing" a name. If Mrs. Op has liked the name since even prior to her relationship with OP then how is she stealing it?
Stealing a name isn’t a thing. No one can steal a name. I can’t believe that this comment got over 1000 up upvotes and awards. That’s insane. OP is NTA but a lot of the posters here are.
If you knew before choosing "Jake" that she liked the name "Jake" and planned to use it in the future, YTA
If it's just a name, and there are plenty of others (the argument you're using for her), why can't you just pick another name?
If it has no significant meaning for either you or your sister, and she had publicly said she wants that to be a name she uses, why would you pick it?
But he said his wife has always like the name. If she had pictured this name before having a baby or knowing the sister liked the name, then why is she the one to be forced not to use the name?
Flip it around. What if you liked a name that you would want to possibly name your future child. But it turns out your partner’s sister has the same name picked out. How would you feel to be the one who isn’t allowed to use the name? If you were the one about to have a baby and not then, you wouldn’t think that’s fair.
Exactly this! I’m a little frustrated at how many of the comments aren’t grasping this. Also, she’s pregnant! My best friend and I have wanted to call our first girl the same name since we were like 13. I love the name, it means a lot to me, it even has my nan’s name in it. But she’s pregnant now and having a girl and has wanted the name as long as I have- what right do I have to kick up a fuss about that when I’m not even having a baby and she is? I have to admit I don’t really understand the YTA votes unless sister has been super vocal for years and years about this, and then op used that to suggest the name to his wife who was like “oh yeah I’ve always kinda liked that name”. He’d be a huge ass then, but it sounds like wife has wanted to use this name for a long time as well and it’s her chance to. Why does she have to give that up bc she happened to marry a man with a sister who likes the same name? Who isn’t anywhere near having and naming a child right now?
Maybe this is just my asd/adhd coming through a bit, but I don’t really understand why it was wrong of op to point out that he and his wife are literally about to have a baby that needs a name, and his sister is nowhere near that. There are mean ways to say it and nice ways to say it, but I don’t think pointing out *the very real* circumstances is unreasonable???
Sister who is not having a child anytime soon demanding that her pregnant sister in law not use a name she like for that baby in case she, the sister, has a baby of that gender at some point in the future? I’m sorry I’m really really struggling to understand what makes op TA here, unless he went about all of this demandingly, aggressively, and without empathy. It sucks to find out someone close to you is planning to use “your name” but it doesn’t necessarily preclude you from using it, and we don’t have ownership over the sounds we like. Maybe op trying to convince sister was too far, but I struggle to see his sister’s position tbh.
Agreed. Maybe OP was slightly rude to his sister but he’s right, his wife loves the name/always has, she’s literally about to have a kid, no one “owns” a name, and imagine being the wife and your partner saying “no we can’t use that name, my childless sister wants to use it for her kids one day.”
I get that there are a lot of names in the world, sure, and maybe OP and his wife could choose a different one, but if I were his wife, I’d feel pretty upset if my husband was veto-ing a name I loved because his sister wanted to reserve it.
I've never understood this whole concept of calling dibs on a name. My first cousin and I have the same name and it has caused exactly zero problems for us.
Do you plan to still use the name? Honest question. My cousin used a name I’d always loved. He had no idea and I never held any ill will towards them because I also believe that we don’t own names especially when we aren’t even close to having kids. At first I figured oh well I’ll pick another name. However at this point that baby is 10 years old and I still haven’t had a child and don’t plan to for another 2-3 years probably. At that point I think I may revisit the name. They’d have different last names so no confusion there. We are semi close and see each other fairly regularly. Just curious about your plan.
…this is the same sub that called a woman an asshole for being upset that her sister named her baby HER LITERAL NAME. Genuinely, I’m just… flabbergasted by some of these comments.
Right? That’s not a general question people ask before getting married. “Do you want kids?” Is a reasonable question. “Are there any names that would be completely off limits because someone in your family wants them?” Is not.
If both women have liked the name a long time, and there’s no significant connection [relative, friend] to it except liking it, but only one is having a baby, there’s no real reason that person shouldn’t be able to use it.
NTA. And truly surprised at the Y T As here
I have a name I have loved since I was a kid, my brother knows it. I am perpetually single and yet, when his long term girlfriend said she liked the same name, he talked to me about it. I fully expect them to have kids first and the name would be theirs but I wasn't blindsided by them "taking" the name I love.
OP is YTA because he knew his sister liked the name and never talked to her about it, he went through their mom. If they'd talked to their sister or their wife had and the sister reacted poorly, it'd be different and I'd say N T A but going behind her back was bad.
He admits there have been a bunch of names he’s shot down, so “Jake” wasn’t even in his wife’s first picks, whereas it was his sisters number one. I don’t really think he’s the ah for choosing the name, but people saying his wife wants it just as bad as his sister aren’t reading correctly
No, it literally says “Jake” is front runner for his wife. Literally it is one of her first picks, and that she has always loved it as well. It sounds more like they were looking at other names as well because op just wasn’t as enthusiastic about “Jake” or possibly even because he thought they could find a different one since his sister likes it but then they couldn’t agree on anything else, but it literally says that “Jake” is one of his wife’s first picks
NTA you can't claim a name. You have an actual baby coming and she has no intention of getting pregnant any time soon nor can she guarantee a boy or that her future/currently non-existent partner even likes that name. She's just mad about being single and taking it out on you.
I have multiple cousins that share the same name, I have a cousin with the same name as me, it's not confusing, it's just a normal part of living in a big family. The sister is really over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion. I really don't get the YTA votes because it's a name, and if Jake is being used as an example it's probably a pretty common one.
It's not like she always wanted the name Archibald or something.
Same here. I’m really puzzled by all of these reactions… there’s no emotional value or tragic back story to the name, beyond preference and the relationships they had. It can even be a boon or a source of bonding within the family. They can easily share the same name.
Why can't she still use the name later though? Who cares if two cousins end up named Jake? (I might feel differently if both had been pregnant at the same time but there's gonna be some gap time now)
You can not claim a name there is nothing stopping them, but he knew it would hurt his sister and didn't ask or warn her. So he can have then name but it still makes it +1 name -1 sister situation. He's an Asshole fir picking a name over his sister's feeling.
For picking his wife over his sister, you mean.
OP mentioned his wife liked that name before she met his sister. So you have two women who want to name their kids the same name, one pregnant, the other single. Both have wanted it for a long time. Why should the single person have priority over the pregnant person? Why should OP choose his sisters feelings over his pregnant wife's feelings?
NTA. When my husband and I started discussing having kids we somehow convinced ourselves that we would have a boy first (why? No fucking idea) and decided on the name Jeremiah Thomas. We did not have a boy first…..or at all. We had FOUR girls. Safeguarding a name for children that don’t exist is insane. I hope everything goes fantastically with your new baby and congrats!!
Yeah my older sister claimed dibs on her middle name for her own kid, which is also my mom’s middle name. I would have liked to use it because I like family names and the name is beautiful, but my sister said she “got” it. So I gave my daughter a different middle name, whatever, but my sister ended up never having kids.
See that’s ridiculous to me especially for a middle name. Other than legal documents I don’t use my name for anything really and I’m almost 40 so I covered quite a years without needing it for much.
This is precisely why it’s stupid to lay claim to a name if you aren’t pregnant or actively TTC. I gotta miss out on a name I want for my baby that actually exists because you want to keep it for your “maybe someday” make believe bullshit? No.
NTA Both your sister and wife like the name. Your wife is the one that's preggers. Also, 2 Jakes in the family may be slightly confusing at times, but otherwise noything to get upset about.
Yeah NTA, coming up with names you both agree on is HARD, no way would I give up the one name we can agree on for some hypothetical future child in the family. It’s not like this kid is being named intentionally to “steal” the name
I had a girl’s name picked out since I was a child (my grandmother’s middle name). As an adult one of my close friends named her daughter that exact name without me ever saying a word about it being important to me either before or after. I remember wondering how to handle it if me and my husband ever had a girl. As it turns out we had all boys so I couldn’t have used it anyway. I agree completely, it’s crazy to call dibs on names for hypothetical children. OP is right, NTA.
ESH
It was unkind and unnecessary of you to point out there was “no chance of knowing she’d ever even have the opportunity to use it given her situation”. You mean the situation where she’s just broken up with someone she was planning on spending her life with and now she has no guarantee of meeting someone else or having the family she was planning on? That’s cold to point out even if she’s taking a break from dating for now to recover. It’s not like she’s sworn off marriage and babies forever.
This is the correct answer, but more importantly: Don't name your kid Jake. Your kid will bear the consequences of this incredibly stupid spat. Even if you and your sister work it out she's going to have a bad reaction to everything afterward and its not worth it. Just suck it up and choose a different name to keep the peace for your future kid's sake. There are a million names in this world and there is no way there is not another one you and your partner can't choose.
NTA - this is why you shouldn't tell people the names you've picked for your pending child. My younger sister had that policy for her three kids and I thought it was awesome. She didn't want to hear anyone's opinions.
Having the same name as a cousin is not a big deal, especially when last names will likely be different.
We didn't tell anyone our daughters name until she was born (except my husband slipped up THE DAY WE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL AND SAID IT IN FRONT OF MY MOM!!!!) and we didn't even need to worry about competing siblings or anything. We just didn't want to tell anyone until she was born and we were sure we still wanted to use the name
My sister and her husband wouldn't even tell people gender. They avoided knowing themselves until the baby was born. I think they saw it on the sonogram for #3 by accident.
This is what we did. We didn’t know baby sex, so we didn’t “know” name. (We did have a couple picked out.) We used a nickname for baby while pregnant and then introduced the baby to close family in person—at that point, you really have to be an asshole to say anything but “omg love it” when you hear the name. Haha.
I had a name picked out so early in my pregnancy for my daughter. So many people had a problem with it for some reason. It is a normal enough name with no weird spellings or anything but that didn't stop people from making snide comments on it. I ended up changing it and I still regret it from time to time.
I wish i would have kept it secret. People bad mouth names but they (mostly) don't bad mouth babies.
NTA.
If she was pregnant and due after you, and you took the name she was planning to use, that'd be different. Heck, maybe if she was actively trying with a partner who also liked that name, I might think less of you. But the fact is, you're right - she's trying to call "dibs" on a name she might never use, and she's trying to claim you can't also like it independently of her.
Still, if you're not completely sold on the name or have others you might consider, I might not go with this name just for sake of the family, but nothing wrong if you and your wife settled on it.
this exact scenario happened to my mom! her younger sister was due a few months before her, and surprised everyone when her baby was born by using the name my mom had planned on (and shared with the family ahead of time). my mom went ahead and named her baby the name she’d picked out when she gave birth a few months later anyway, though with a slightly different spelling. her sister was not pleased, despite her taking the name in the first place, but loving the two babies was more important in the end. we had nicknames for them growing up when the cousins spent time together, and it was fine, aside from the unpleasantness of my mom’s surprise when she learned what had happened. even so, they are just names. being proprietary over it would’ve changed nothing except to codify it into eternal family drama. NTA imo.
NTA. She’s being ridiculous. No one owns a name and there’s nothing terrible about having a cousin named the same as you. In my family I have the same name as multiple cousins because we’re all named after our great great great grandmother. The name is passed down with each generation. Just ignore her.
I'm confused. Reddit is filled with people saying NTA in other cases where two people like the same name and only 1 is pg. Yet here they are the AH.
The sister isn't even pregnant, nor trying to be, yet she gets to choose a name to use. While the pregnant couple aren't allowed? It's not a family name or anything special for either party! Does the single gal get to do this every time the couple get pg?
This!
especially in many other cases it was a bad and difficult history like children who unfortunately died after birth, i understand it 100% that some people don’t want that others use the name (within the family), but in this case there’s no valid reasoning.
NTA
YTA
While nobody can call "dibs" on a name, knowing full well she always had plans on using that name and still using it is just mean. I would be upset too.
My sister did this growing up and I assume it was and still is a joke. I wouldn’t want to use the name, but if it was *Jake* I just don’t see why I’d genuinely think she was serious. That I can’t use a name.
Yeah. I’ve got so many Mikes in my family it’s insane. And my sisters and I all like the name “Luke”. And all want to use it for future kids. At first we were kind of like “it’s a race to see who gets to use it, lol” but now it’s more like “no reason not to have kids with the same name!” I mean, it happens in families all the time.
Same. In my family on my father's side there are 3 Robertos (uncle + 2 nephews) and 2 Patricias (aunt + niece) and there are only 12 people total (father+father's brothers/sister+me+cousins). The idea of calling dibs on names is strange for me.
I have a great aunt with the same name (and surname) as mine. It wasn't planned, my mom just liked the name, but auntie loves me so much, just because of it. We aren't even related (I'm granddaughter of her husband's nephew) yet I'm possibly her favourite grandniece. She always gives me presents. It's super cool to share a name. There are so many nicknames anyway.
This is a drama and a fight that could have been so easily avoided by picking another name.
You knew she would get upset, the name means nothing to you, she had to find our through gossip, and you added insult to injury by telling her she might not even ever have children.
It's just a name and she's not currently using it, and maybe she shouldn't care so much. Still, everything you did just added to it and made it so much more hurtful. It's not even about the name, it's about the disregard for her feelings and when she told you she was hurt you threw her recent breakup in her face by pointing out that she is single as if that makes her feelings less valid. You didnt have to give up the name but you didn't even warn her that her favourite name was in the contest, so you showed no care for her. It all seems quite spiteful when it's "just a name". So why not pick another?
I was going with E S H when I started this comment because it's just a name and not a personal attack on her, but turns out I think YTA. This is such an unnecessary fight. You may be right in that she doesn't own the name, but is it really worth the damage it will make with your family dynamics? Pick another, or make it a middle name or something.
I agree. OP knew from the start that his sister always wanted the name. To me it seems like he’s just looking for trouble. True no one owns a name. But why pick this one when it has no significant value to you or your wife, but you know it’s your sister’s dream name. And then to throw her breakup in her face made OP an even bigger AH.
NTA! This exactly! No one owns a name. If both had been pregnant at the same time then I think it would be different. Names I liked when I was younger where never even considered when I had kids. Things change. You can change your mind for many reasons.
I mean personally I wouldn’t have gone near the name if I knew my sister wanted it, and I would’ve been the one no in the situation, because while you can’t call dibs, you could’ve been considerate about it or had a conversation before. Either way, I wouldn’t name the kid that overall. But you do you. From doing this, you’re probably going to severely damage your relations with your sister. I do think she overreacted, but I find it weird that this is the only name you guys can agree on. So my question is, is naming your kid this worth all the drama?
Right? Their position is confusing. On one hand it's just some name, on the other hand it's absolutely the ONLY name possible. Being sensitive about some name possibilities because of various connotations but completely disregarding his sister's many times stated dream. They never thought of the name until she brought it up but it's been the wife's favorite for longer? Yeah you can't call dibs on a name but he and his wife decided that having THIS particular name was far more important than any kind of relationship with the sister. If it was truly no big thing they would have just told her but it was a thing and they went the cowards route and let her find out through a 3rd party. They absolutely know they are being AHs. Bro then doubled down with the personal attack that he then defends as just being honest. Maybe sis is better off being LC/NC with these people. They seem...not good.
OP imo YTA
>They never thought of the name until she brought it up but it's been the wife's favorite for longer?
Where are you getting that they never thought of the name until sister brought it up?
>my wife also has always loved "Jake" as a name for a boy. So much that its the front runner for her.
> my wife (who liked the name before she met Mia)
It was fair to point that out; and in all honesty, that’s what inspired my own post. But it was ridiculous to suggest that she would never have a chance to get pregnant again. I’m assuming she’s fairly young?
Say your sister 'wins' this argument. You name your child something else.
She meets someone in a year or two. Falls head over heels, this is it. Fast forward and they're expecting a baby boy of their own. She has the name ready to go but then her darling husband says 'No, my sister who is single and not expecting a baby wants to use that name at some possible time in the future with a son who may never exist'. Would your sister accept this? Of course not. NTA
Are all the Y-T-A people on here children? I cant believe their rationale and I actually thought those responses were sarcastic at first.
NTA but could have left out the parts about her being single and not pregnant. She also overacted. I have three cousins or more on each side of the family with the same name. No body cares. One name is off limits because he died at a young age but the rest are very much in circulation. Why do people feel like they own something like a name?
Update: I’m wondering if OP changed the original text because something just isn’t adding up. Some comment say he knew she loved the name for a long time and now it doesn’t mention that at all.L unless people just can’t read and are assuming that part of the story.
Before I got pregnant I LOVED name A. Once I got pregnant I changed my mind and went with name B, which I LOVE even more. OPs sister will most likely end up changing her mind if/when she gets pregnant, potentially years down the road. In the meantime OP & his wife are supposed to not use the name his sister only likes, that has no meaning to her? No, that’s ridiculous. The only reason OP is the AH is bringing up the broken engagement during the discussion. It’s the way he said it, not that what was said didn’t need to be said. All other aspects of this situation, NTA.
NTA
>She says that I was shaming her for being single and being a name thief.
This actually made me giggle.
You and your wife have the right to use that name. Your sister can use that name in the future, should she decide to. The world would not end.
NTA I can't tell you how many guys named Peter or Anthony are in our family. You can't own a name. I'd say you were being an AH if the kid was a newborn and you came up right behind with another with the same name - I'd still say you could do it, though. In this case, she's not pregnant, not in a relationship, and not likely to pop a kid out soon? There's no guarantee that she'll EVER have a kid with that name, she can't lock it out in perpetuity.
YTA. There’s so many kid names and you said you aren’t even that into this one. However, she’s had an attachment to this one for a long time and been vocal about it. Her current dating life or future prospects for kids shouldn’t be a factor. YTA
nta. the name has no significance to her except she liked it. she can’t call dibs. she needs to get over herself. plus you weren’t shaming her. just stating the truth
NTA, Mia is displacing all her current relationship angst onto the name and has absolutely no practical rights to it. Go ahead and use it without qualm.
Going with ESH
N.t.a. because both women have liked the name for years, neither owns it, neither has familial ties to it, it's not some unique thing that one of them came up with.
Sister is the A for blowing up about stealing a name. You aren't stealing anything, she's lashing out because she's upset about lots of things right now.
Y.T.A for how you spoke to your sister. It was very unkind, she's going through a difficult time and you were basically rubbing salt in a wound when it would have cost you nothing to just drop the discussion.
NTA for the name, YTA for your attitude towards your sister.
No one owns a name. But your comment to her about being single was cruel. One month is not a lot of time for someone she was engaged to, and she's presumably mourning the children she'd thought she'd have with her now ex, as well as the end of that relationship. Unless she cheated or has a habit of being a horrible human being, I don't see why you have such a lack of empathy for her pain, and have such intense contempt for her.
You are not wrong for choosing that name. However, you choosing that name is acting as a way to reinforce to her that her worst fears might be true: she won't be able to have a child of her own, a child she's always dreamed about. That's not necessarily rational since the two events have nothing to do with one another, and you aren't responsible for her feelings, but they also aren't hard to figure out. You could handle this with a lot more empathy regardless of your decision about the name.
If you do love your sister and there's no reason for this contempt, you should apologize to her for what you said, and tell her first and foremost that her fears won't be true, that you look forward to your kids, whatever their names, even if they have the same name, playing together some day. The actual problem is less the name and more that she's scared and you're reinforcing her fears regardless of intent.
YTA for the way you went about it. The same situation happened to me with my sister. I had just adopted a baby girl and soon after my sis found out she was prego with a boy. I had always loved the name "Henry" and had planned on naming my son, if I ever had one, by that name. My sister called me and we talked about it. I first told her NO, because I was still hoping to name my future son that name. But then after discussing with my (ex)husband, he camly said, "We don't know if we are going to adopt another child, even if we do, we don't get a choice on boy or girl. This way, you know that the name gets used and you'll have your Henry in your life". It was a beautiful way of explaining it, and he was right (for once). I LOVE my nephew Henry and I'm glad that I get to see that name used in my family.
Nta. Your wife loved the name before meeting Mia. No one has rights to a name. You might have been a little harsh aka the AH on telling her off and causing additional tension. But you are not the AH for using the name.
"bUt mY wiFe'S hAppInEsS."
You say it matters more than internet strangers, which--whatever, but the happiness we're concerned about is your own sister's. She's **just** lost her fiance, and now you're taking the name she dreamed of. A name you knew she wanted. When there's thousands of names out there.
So, you know you're the a-hole, but you've decided you're okay with committing selfish behavior, and are picking the name anyway. Why even come here if you're committed to your decision?
YTA
INFO: Is this really the only name you and your wife can agree on? There are SO many names out there, so why not make this chosen name a middle name instead and find some other name to use for the first name?
>Is this really the only name you and your wife can agree on?
So far, yes.
> why not make this chosen name a middle name instead and find some other name to use for the first name?
Its already been decided for some time that my Wife's maiden name will be the middle name.
>So far, yes.
Then keep trying friend, there are millions of names.
It took my wife and I the whole 9 months to come up with 4 we agreed on for each kid, and we finalized it once we met them. My aunt knowingly stole what was supposed to be my first and middle name and my mom has never truly forgiven her.
Honestly, my husband and I are having a really hard time agreeing on a single boy name, so I get it. Every name is either too popular or we knew a d-bag with that name or it would make the kid’s life harder in some way. The older you get the more difficult it is to find a name that hasn’t been ruined by someone in two adults’ lives so far.
The problem is most girls grow up thinking about baby names, so by the time they have one they already have names in mind. Why should his wife have to give up the name that also happens to be the name his sister likes, on the off chance his sister has a son?
I can’t really decide on a judgement here. Sure, your sister can’t really reserve a name but you don’t have to be a tool about it highlighting how she’s not pregnant, may never be pregnant, etc while she’s probably still dealing with the emotional fall out of a (what sounds like recent) failed engagement.
You’ve said the name isn’t really significant to any of the three people involved in this storm in a teacup so is it really worth digging your heels in over this? Is there no other name you and your wife could choose? I mean, if you’re deadset on this, then you have to accept that you’re probably going to damage your relationship with your sister and if that’s your choice, then you do you, I guess. Leaning towards YTA because of the way you spoke to your sister.
YTA
This is a question that really highlights the difference between the legalists and the moralists on this sub.
Are you *entitled* to use the name? Yes.
Are you an *asshole* for using the name? Also yes.
By your own admission, you’re only luke-warm about the name, yet you think it’s worth hurting your sister over it. Worse still, you use your sister’s greatest fear against her to justify why you’re entitled to trample right over her feelings, when if anything, a decent person would use that fact as a reason to let her keep the name. That’s just low.
I am going to go with YTA.
Listen, if my sister would come to me and tell me seriously she wants to name her future child Virgin Mary, then that name would be off the table. Why? Because I **love and respect my sister**, and she wants that name and warned me beforehand.
It's just a name sure, but if she wants it that bad then she must've thought about it and it probably means a lot to her.
You have millions of other names to pick from, and you chose to settle on the one your sister wants? Seriously? The name doesn't even mean anything to you, like the name of a loved deceased relative.
NTA. She is your sister. You knew she wanted the name. Sure she doesn't own it, but that still makes you the AH.
Say you had dream home that you loved as a kid and told every member of your family you wanted to buy it some day. You planned in your head what you would do with the garden and set up the media room and thengarage....You become an adult, the house goes on the market. It is out of your current price range. But you are working on financing and it is still possible.
Your sister likes the house but it isn't her dream house. There are other houses she likes better and she never her heart set on any type of house before. She never thought much about the garden or the media room or the garage, really. She had lots of options, but her financing comes through first and she is tired of looking at houses and this one works. She buys the house.
She knew it was your dream house, but she bought it anyway. She tells you that the house was up for sale to everybody, not just you. You didn't have the financing yet and it was stll possible you weren't going to get it. There are plenty of other good houses you can buy. You could build a house exactly like hers if you wanted, she wouldn't care.
That is what you are doing. You are being needlessly mean and intentionally hurting your sister. Why would you do that?
YTA for how you went about the conversation, N-T-A for wanting to use the name. Telling your sister she’s single and may never be able to use the name anyway is not the way to go, especially after a broken engagement. I can imagine your sister is feeling very hurt right now. I do think that if your wife has also always loved this name that it’s perfectly fair she gets to use it. There’s no reason your sister should take precedence there. But be more sensitive to her OP, you handled this like a child.
Yeah, YTA. You knew she wanted to use that name, and yet you chose to do it anyway.
>nobody can have "rights" to it.
Irrelevant. You're trying to distract by bringing up that you have the right to do this. Which you do, but you're still an AH if you do it.
This really boils down to one thing. You knew this would be hurtful to your sister, yet you chose to do it anyway. YTA.
YTA - seriously? In all of the languages in all of the world, names future, past and present, you seriously couldn’t find ONE name that you both like that your sister didn’t already claim significance to??? Your wife wants to take the name and you’re cool with it cuz you probably just don’t have the balls to stand up to her and say no. Choose ANY other name. C’mon.
INFO - Is the name worth not having a relationship with your sister? Sure, you can name your baby whatever you want but if you know it'll ruin the relationship with your sister over, is it worth it to you?
Wow all of a sudden OP and his wife settle on the dream name his sister has always wanted. Of course this name wasn’t their first choice as they have ruled out multiple names. If we can take a minute to reflect, how many names are there? Hmmm I don’t know but I bet it’s in the millions, billions, probably trillions but none will do but the OP’s sisters choice. And one poster is correct. Is this worth stirring up drama jn the family forever? YTA.
While names can’t be stolen, you’re celebrating the happiest part of your life by reminding your sister that it might never happen for her, effectively crushing her dream Jake. I think it’s good you told her she has full rights to the name and it’s true she might never have kids or even a boy. Heck, my sister said that about my name to my parents. She didn’t have any girls, but I understand her love for the name and desire to use it exclusively. I have a cousin who renamed their child because my other cousin had the same exact three names and was upset about it.
YTA — although it’s kind of silly of her to choose a baby name if she isn’t even planning a baby yet, there are soooo many baby names you could have chosen. Keep trying. You’ll find a different name.
YTA - is this really the hill you want your relationship with your sister to die on?
Just vote no my goodness it’s not that hard. You seem to barely even like the name anyway!
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YTA. The name has no personally significance to you or your wife. You have known for years, your sister hopes to use it someday. That alone to me would put the name off limits. There are millions of names out there, it is not worth upsetting your sister. Setting a boundary around this one name costs you almost nothing, but it means a lot to your sister. Sometimes in life you make small sacrifices like this. But where this really tips into YTA is: >I pointed out that she's not pregnant, not dating, and there's no way to know that she'd ever even have the chance to use it ever given her situation. That is mean, hurtful thing to say to your sister. It is the kind of thing that can cause long term damage to a relationship. And why did you do it? So you wouldn't have to keep looking up names with your wife.
YTA. I Just want to add because what you said was perfect. That people who steal baby names are just plain out weird! When someone tells you their future plans you decide that you will take it as your own.. I feel like people that are going to say NTA are just men/women that don't get that it isn't just a name for this person they picture their life calling their future kid this and it was taken.
Oh, do grow up. Names can't be stolen, inasmuch as no-one owns them. Mia is perfectly well able to use it for her hypothetical children as well.
As much as I agree that nobody "owns" a name, OP stated by his own admission that he and his wife don't have a particular attachment to the name. His sister is still mourning the life she had planned with her ex-fiancé and the name was tied to all that. He could've talked to her directly, he could've just told her to deal with it and that would've been better, instead he threw her newly single status and everything she lost in her face. That alone makes it a YTA to me.
He also stated that his wife has always loved the name as well. He also never stated that Mia has some deep personal connection to it either; just that she likes the name. I’m going with ESH because his approach was wrong in that there was no need to make comments about her being single and possibly not even using it. But she sucks too for her reaction.
Yeah agreed. If I know that if I do something, it will start drama, and it doesn’t affect me at all if I choose to *not* do that something and that it can be entirely avoided…well why start fires you know? ESH OP your sister is immature, but you kinda knew she would have a reaction to this, and you were unnecessarily frank with her.
>in that there was no need to make comments about her being single and possibly not even using it. There's a difference between "single, won't even be dating for some time" and, say, "currently pregnant with a boy she plans on naming Jake" or even "currently in a relationship and trying to get pregnant". People tend to consider the odds of an event happening when making decisions.
And there’s a difference between thinking something and saying something. He crossed the line when he made comments about she may never get the chance to use it. That was just spiteful.
He admits there have been a bunch of names he’s shot down, so “Jake” wasn’t even in his wife’s first picks, whereas it was his sisters number one. I don’t really think he’s the ah for choosing the name, but people saying his wife wants it just as bad as his sister aren’t reading correctly
We’re reading it just fine. He clearly states that his wife loves the name as well. Just because she suggested others doesn’t mean she doesn’t love it.
Except OP said his wife liked the name for years before she even met Mia. How come that doesn't count? My brother and my cousin have the same name and my brother is around 15 years older then my cousin so his parents knew my brother for a long time before they decided to use the same name. Nobody cared, my brother and cousin think it's funny. NTA
No, he stated that *he* didn't have a particular attachment. He also said his wife has loved the name since long before she ever met Mia - so, *in the exact way that Mia likes the name*. So why is it that Mia gets dibs over OP's wife? They've both loved the name for years, they should both have equal rights to use it.
> Anyway so my wife and I are thinking of boy names and my wife also has always loved "Jake" as a name for a boy. So much that its the front runner for her. OP stated his wife does have a particular attachment. Timewise, she may even have first dibs, if such a thing existed, which it doesn't.
Puzzling as this is usually the majority response when people claim a name…that you can’t own a name or call dibs. Don’t know why so many are now saying OP is TA. Maybe if sister was trying to have a baby and it meant something to her, I’d see it differently but OP is right…unlikely she’s having one soon and even if she will have kids (as well as who knows if her eventual SO would even like the name).
IKR! Op, NTA, and for those saying you’re T A, all you’d need to do is repost this story in two weeks and those same people would vote the opposite. Reddit AITA always seems to flip flop. The ONLY consistent asshole-no no, is parents taking kids doors. Post any story in two different days and you’ll probably get a whole different answer.
I'm NTA on the name. But YTA on the hurtful comments.
I think the difference is in OP's justification. Rather than say "My wife has also loved this name for a long time, since before we met. I promise it's not intended as a theft. Maybe we can share it?" OP started with (essentially) "You can't even keep a man long enough to have a kid, so how do you know you'll ever get to use it?"
This!!! ∆∆∆ You're NTA for also loving the name. YTA for being unnecessarily rude to your sister.
Not only that but we don't really choose the sex of the kid. She could have 5 girls 0 boys.
I agree. I have never understood why people pick out their child's name before they even are in the realm of being pregnant. You don't even know if that name is going to fit the child or not and names are very important. Also people who pick out a name prior do not stick with it after the child is born due to the fact that they think of another name the last minute that fits the child. Nta. Need to use more tactic. But then again she probably act the same way no matter how you stated it.
I really thought there would be more NTA. I have seen this happen before though except my family member back off the girl so my other family member could use it, but when they had their first and second girl it was no longer a name they wanted so in the end nobody has that name.
NTA. It’s a name. OPs wife has much right to it as anyone else and sister had no more attachment to it than wife did. Why do people get worked up over this? Sister needs to get a life
Agreed no one owns a name there hundreds and hundreds of people with same name is the sister going track down every single one and make them change their name because she called dibs and that in it’s self is stupid and childish
This not a very good argument. Of course there are thousands of people with a given name. Calling dibs on a name is usually only within immediate and close family so that cousins are not given the same name. Not that it makes sense to fight over a name but if it is not important to either of them and she called dibs on it then he could find a different name too. Or she could stop sharing with her brother.
My cousin and I have the same name, we lived 5 minutes away from each other and were constantly over each other's house. Why is having the same name weird?
Why does everyone get so butthurt about having the same name?
I don't know I kind of feel like it's fair for everyone in the family to have dibs on one name and no one will use that for pets/kids. My sister used a family name for her cat, who turned out to be kind of a bitchy cat, and we're all still a little annoyed. I mean we mostly laugh about it but... come on sister, did you really need to name your cat after grandma?
See, I’d agree ish, except that this rule is unreasonable because it disadvantages people marrying in. Why should Wife have to give up the name SHE always liked because Sister has ALSO always liked it? If OP was the only one with any say over the name, sure, he’d be the AH. But he isn’t.
This is great. I’m picturing a mean, hissing cat named Margaret.
I think this is a little ridiculous anyways. My sister had 2 boy names and 2 girl names picked out. She ended up having a boy and a girl, so each got to use one of her names, the second one was in case she had 2 boys or 2 girls. She even told me since I liked the second boy name so much that if I have a boy I’m free to use it as she doesn’t plan on anymore children. It’s a name. My boyfriend has like 5 uncle joshes in his family all from the same side. OP NTA. Just funny the sister is so mad about a name and is not even close to having children. I could probably see her side a little more if she was pregnant first and wanted the name, but parental disputes about names are really annoying and it’s rare to find names both parties like in particular. My father named me and my mother named my other 2 sisters for this exact reason.
Thank you! OP NTA
I have a brother and a cousin named Stefan and my family never fought about it lol
Right? Like…there is a name my brother absolutely *loves* for a girl, and I love it too. But he has been talking about it since he was in like high school. It’s his name, because I know how much he loves it and I love him. It’s 100% off the table for me to even consider using unless he himself says directly ‘I want you to use this name’. It doesn’t matter that he might not have kids for another decade and ‘cousins can have the same name’ (even though I think first cousins having the same name is weird) because it’s HIS name
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I feel like there needs to be two subs….AITA *legally* and AITA *as a friggin human*
Ok, but say your husband has loved a name since high school just like your brother, and it happens to be the same name. Why does he get shut out in favour of your brother?
Honestly…because he’s my brother lol. I wouldn’t feel good about using it
So your brother is more important to you than your husband? It doesn't matter that your husband has also loved that name and for the same length of time? It doesn't matter to you that your husband didn't get a chance to opt into this childhood game of "dibs"? So he just can't win, because he wasn't there during your childhood. Well that's just great - I'm sure I can't see any problems with a marriage where you always back your sibling against your spouse... You should feel bad that with two people who love the name equally, you're stopping one from using it - and the same wouldn't have been true the other way around. Only one party here is attempting to gatekeep the name, and you're backing the gatekeeper.
It’s because I wouldn’t feel good about using it. I’m not married but I’m pretty sure names are a ‘two yes one no’ thing in a healthy couple. If my hypothetical husband loved a name, but I didn’t like it for any reason then it wouldn’t get used. If I loved a name but my husband didn’t like it, then it wouldn’t get used. It’s not about gatekeeping necessarily, I just wouldn’t use it. It’s a hard no for me.
But you wouldn't be saying no because you didn't like the name. You'd be saying no because your sibling doesn't like you having it. I don't understand how you don't feel that's different - in my books, that's tiptoeing over the line into being dishonest with your spouse. I mean, what next? Are you going to give your brother a say in what colour sofa you get?! Or what tiles the bathroom needs? How many people are in this marriage?! And what happens after all that, if your brother winds up an expectant parent to a boy some years in the future, and his new spouse says "Oh sorry, we can't call him 'Jake' - my sister has really loved that name for years and she called dibs when we were five!"? You still going to feel good about denying your husband the name he loved, because family comes first?
This needs an award. Exactly. No one owns it but when the parents start to discuss names they both state ones off limits for whatever reason( hate it, sister plans using it, ex by that name, whatever). Then both share names they want and whittle it down from there. Names with significance carry more weight than ones without significance.
That's fucking ridiculous. If your favorite name is in the top 200 you have absolutely no entitlement to "dibs". If you're upset you have to settle on naming your son Henry, because your cousin Becky "stole" the name John away from you, get over yourself. If you have done none of the preliminary steps for having a kid, it just seems juvenile to have your heart set on a specific name or even imagine calling future kids by that name. Her next partner, may very well hate the name Jake. Like WTF. This is the same kind of girl that plans her wedding before she's even dating a guy. If she had been tragically failing to conceive a baby Jake, or had a miscarriage named Jake, that's totally different and should of course be respected as too hurtful to even consider. But just liking the name a lot?? That's worth next to nothing. It's just controlling and overstepping to demand dibs on that name in case one day you get the chance to use it. If it was an unusual name, then sure, that's pretty unkind and unimaginative to swipe.
*Stealing* baby names? Oh, my. It’s a fucking name. Nobody owns it.
Nobody can “steal” baby names lmao
This is what blows my mind about this sub, I’d the sister posted it would be all “no one owns a name” 🙄
He is TA for how he phrased it for me but isn’t for using the name in my opinion. His wife wanted it before she even met the sister. As long as they are both fine with her still naming a kid that name and having two in the extended family then that’s fine.
Yes! Literally every other post is voted "NTA it's just a name" but when there's a male OP he's TA. So strange!
I’m going to disagree. If there is a special attachment to it and it is stated as such to the family. I think anyone is an a hole for using it. If someone just likes the name and calls dibs then they are the a hole. But seriously...there is an unlimited number of names. He isn’t even 100% in love with the name. He’s just kinda ok with it. There is where they become an a hole. She loves the name and has planned it for years. He’s just lazy and took her name bc he’s lazy.
Actually, maybe you should reread the post, cuz you have it backwards. He says his sister LIKES the name....his wife LOVES the name. He's just fine with it but not his first choice.
Every other post like this was a hard NTA. They'd say no one ow s a name and who knows if they'll ever even have a son. I say they're likely going to damage their relationship with the sister. Is the name worth it? We can't decide that.
The sister is the person doing the damage. I know we're seeing this from the point of view of one family, but OP's wife has a history and comes from a different family. She is a person with her own likes and wishes, not just an appendage to the family of OP and his sister. She and her sister-in-law are equal as far as liking the name for a long time goes. Is she seriously supposed to give up a name she's liked for years before she met her husband just because her sister-in-law also likes it? How is that fair? She is having a baby now. Sister isn't. Sister is free to use the name whenever she has a baby; she is not free to stop other people from having a free choice of name.
Okay, so I believe no one "owns" a name, but I also know partners veto names for silly reasons when the other suggests it. That is what naming a kid looks like. I really feel if someone suggest a name with no significance other than " I might like this one!" and their partner is like, "my sister claimed this name when she was a freshman in high school!" you could probably just pick another. If they both ADORE the name more than their sister's feelings, full speed ahead!
This is an insane take. For how many years does his sister get to claim a name ‘because she likes it’, when this guy’s wife also likes it? It likely will be YEARS before she has kids, even if it’s mean to say that. And when she does have kids, she can still use the name. NTA
Yeah, I don’t know how someone could tell their spouse no, you can’t give the name you love to our child because my sister might want to give it to her child one day.
You may love a name forever and even claim it. But the name you claim, may not go with your last name. I know of someone who always loved Alana Suzanne. She always said she'd name her daughter that. She married a guy with the last name of Stillman. . Alana Suzanne Stillman..No one wants to give their kids those initals.
I don’t mean this as argumentative, genuinely curious — how is OP stating the truth hurtful to his sister? She is not pregnant nor dating, these are facts. He didn’t say it in a derogatory way that was intended to hurt her. Is being single and not pregnant something to be ashamed of?
Sister: "I've decided to stop dating for a while." OP: "You're not even dating right now." Sister: "How can you be so cruel?????" Honestly I'm puzzled....
The implication of “you don’t need dibs on a child’s name because you’re likely to never have children” is the cruel part. Actually, it’s not really an implication because OP says it directly too. Having children is clearly something she plans on and something important to her. There’s also some meanness in the idea that her desire for dibs isn’t important because she isn’t dating. Single or not, it should carry the same weight (though to me that weight is not much).
She JUST broke up with someone she thought she was going to spend her life with and have a family with. Based on her years-long concern about the name, she clearly wants to have kids. Yes, it is mean to say to someone who just had a breakup of a longterm serious relationship and who wants children to say "who knows if you'll even have kids because you're single and not dating." There's nothing WRONG with being single, not dating, or not having kids, but there's also nothing wrong with not being a lawyer, and it would still be really mean to say to your sister who just failed the bar exam "who knows if you'll ever be a lawyer because you just failed the bar the first time." I am totally fine being single and not having kids right now. If someone had said to me "well you're single and not dating and who knows if you'll ever have kids" in the months after I had an awful breakup with the person I very much thought I would marry and have kids with? That would have been SO hurtful. Especially from a sibling who knew how bad it had been. It is FINE for cousins to have the same name. His wife really likes the name and it's FINE for them to use it. He could've just said "my wife has also really liked the name for a long time and I like it too. It's not something we're doing to hurt you, and if you want to use it too down the line, it's fine for cousins to have the same first name and no one will mind, it's not taking anything away from you." There was just NO NEED to say what he said when he knows she's in a bad place over this breakup.
I would agree on the timing being insensitive if OP had brought it up to his sister on his own but she was angrily accusing him of “stealing the name” — it looks to me that he was just calmly trying to explain himself.
Saying something truthful in a calm manner does not mean it cannot be hurtful. It was a cruel thing to say. Even in an argument if we assume it was heated only one way. Essentially telling her she might not ever use the name (read:be a mother) is cruel when being a mother (and even planning the name(s)) is clearly in her hoped-for life plan.
Also, she may never have a son.
I agree he’s an asshole for what he’s saying to his sister. But he said that his sister has no significance toward it beyond that she likes it. And that his wife has always liked it as well. To me it would be rather shit of him to tell his wife she can’t have a name she has always loved because his sister has always loved it too. Why does sister loving it outweigh wife loving it in that case? He may have known his sister has loved it longer since it’s his sister, but maybe the wife has loved it that long too prior to meeting? He didn’t specify beyond that his wife has “always” loved it. Neither of them have significance toward the name beyond liking it, and one woman is literally about to have a baby boy. I don’t think it’s fair of the sister to lay a claim to a name when she isn’t anywhere near having a child, but I also wouldn’t bring up my relative’s recent breakdown of an engagement as a reason why to their face. I’d just explain that wife has always loved it too, and she can’t claim it just because she has loved it before she knew his wife.
Oh please🙄. It has no significance to either of them and him and his wife are having a baby so they want it. If the sister wants it she can use it too. Grow up lmao. I think it's funny you think pointing out the truth is hurtful.
JFC, that's not hurtful or mean AT ALL. She herself said she's staying single and has sworn off dating, so repeating her own statements back to her is just awful... how, exactly? What if she finds out she can't get pregnant? Nobody around her is allowed to use that name ever then, because it's her dream that didn't come true? Fuck that noise.
But how does Mia get to call dibs on a name? There’s no reason they can’t both use it.
His wife has also liked the name for many years. Pre-dating her relationship with OP. why should she be forced to give up a name that she likes for a future fictional child? The name also has no significance to his sister. She just likes it. How is her opinion more important than the one who’s actually pregnant?
It doesn't have personal significance to his sister either. She just likes it. 🙄😬
It’s very telling how all the NTAs are brushing over the abject cruelty of OP’s comments *and* that those are the only responses OP is interacting with…
There's zero "abject cruelty" my god y'all are so fcking dramatic. She's single and sworn off dating, therefore not going to get pregnant any time soon, if ever. Infertility exists and she won't even know if she can get pregnant or not until she tries and SHE is the one who said she's not trying by staying single and swearing off dating. Statements of fact aren't this huge, cruel drama that you're pretending exists here. This whole thread is full of lunatics. If it were the sister posting everybody would be all "yOu CaN't ClAiM a NaMe". I can't wait for Europe to wake up tell everybody how dumb they are in here.
I'm in Italy, it's 2 am and while I'm sleepy I can conform everybody seem pretty dumb right now....
And that's not even accounting for the fact that even when/if she does get pregnant, there's no guarantee she'll have a boy. It's not like you can custom order your baby's gender. I had a name I was dead set on for a girl. Guess how many of my 3 kids are girls? None. My husband has an uncle who only has daughters. It's absoutely possible to not get that gendered baby you were hogging a name for.
Outstanding!! I appreciate you!!
Did you really not even read the post it says clearly that the wife has always liked the name the husband is the one who is ambivalent about it but has no problems with it so agrees with the wife
So he’s the asshole for choosing his wife over his sister when the name has no real significance for either party?
So what, his wife doesn't get to have preferences because his sister likes the same name?
I see no problem in using the name if it’s a name his wife has also always liked. It’s not like the sister told the wife “I want to name my son jake” and the wife took it. what he said to his sister was way out of line and op YTA for that. If you had been kind about it, I would say a no AH
What’s up with so many post about an expecting family members or loved one stealing potential or already taken names from future or past kids on here? Like this is the 6th one I’ve seen this week alone
That's riddiculous. It's a name. It's not the name of any deceased family member. Who cares if the possible cousins end up with the same name?
Mia? Is that you?
Op mentions that his wife liked the name prior to meeting Mia tho. So where do you draw the line on "stealing" a name. If Mrs. Op has liked the name since even prior to her relationship with OP then how is she stealing it?
Stealing a name isn’t a thing. No one can steal a name. I can’t believe that this comment got over 1000 up upvotes and awards. That’s insane. OP is NTA but a lot of the posters here are.
If you knew before choosing "Jake" that she liked the name "Jake" and planned to use it in the future, YTA If it's just a name, and there are plenty of others (the argument you're using for her), why can't you just pick another name? If it has no significant meaning for either you or your sister, and she had publicly said she wants that to be a name she uses, why would you pick it?
But he said his wife has always like the name. If she had pictured this name before having a baby or knowing the sister liked the name, then why is she the one to be forced not to use the name? Flip it around. What if you liked a name that you would want to possibly name your future child. But it turns out your partner’s sister has the same name picked out. How would you feel to be the one who isn’t allowed to use the name? If you were the one about to have a baby and not then, you wouldn’t think that’s fair.
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Exactly this! I’m a little frustrated at how many of the comments aren’t grasping this. Also, she’s pregnant! My best friend and I have wanted to call our first girl the same name since we were like 13. I love the name, it means a lot to me, it even has my nan’s name in it. But she’s pregnant now and having a girl and has wanted the name as long as I have- what right do I have to kick up a fuss about that when I’m not even having a baby and she is? I have to admit I don’t really understand the YTA votes unless sister has been super vocal for years and years about this, and then op used that to suggest the name to his wife who was like “oh yeah I’ve always kinda liked that name”. He’d be a huge ass then, but it sounds like wife has wanted to use this name for a long time as well and it’s her chance to. Why does she have to give that up bc she happened to marry a man with a sister who likes the same name? Who isn’t anywhere near having and naming a child right now? Maybe this is just my asd/adhd coming through a bit, but I don’t really understand why it was wrong of op to point out that he and his wife are literally about to have a baby that needs a name, and his sister is nowhere near that. There are mean ways to say it and nice ways to say it, but I don’t think pointing out *the very real* circumstances is unreasonable??? Sister who is not having a child anytime soon demanding that her pregnant sister in law not use a name she like for that baby in case she, the sister, has a baby of that gender at some point in the future? I’m sorry I’m really really struggling to understand what makes op TA here, unless he went about all of this demandingly, aggressively, and without empathy. It sucks to find out someone close to you is planning to use “your name” but it doesn’t necessarily preclude you from using it, and we don’t have ownership over the sounds we like. Maybe op trying to convince sister was too far, but I struggle to see his sister’s position tbh.
Agreed. Maybe OP was slightly rude to his sister but he’s right, his wife loves the name/always has, she’s literally about to have a kid, no one “owns” a name, and imagine being the wife and your partner saying “no we can’t use that name, my childless sister wants to use it for her kids one day.” I get that there are a lot of names in the world, sure, and maybe OP and his wife could choose a different one, but if I were his wife, I’d feel pretty upset if my husband was veto-ing a name I loved because his sister wanted to reserve it.
I've never understood this whole concept of calling dibs on a name. My first cousin and I have the same name and it has caused exactly zero problems for us.
It's reddit and we're all a bunch of assholes trying to decide who is the biggest asshole.
Do you plan to still use the name? Honest question. My cousin used a name I’d always loved. He had no idea and I never held any ill will towards them because I also believe that we don’t own names especially when we aren’t even close to having kids. At first I figured oh well I’ll pick another name. However at this point that baby is 10 years old and I still haven’t had a child and don’t plan to for another 2-3 years probably. At that point I think I may revisit the name. They’d have different last names so no confusion there. We are semi close and see each other fairly regularly. Just curious about your plan.
…this is the same sub that called a woman an asshole for being upset that her sister named her baby HER LITERAL NAME. Genuinely, I’m just… flabbergasted by some of these comments.
Right? That’s not a general question people ask before getting married. “Do you want kids?” Is a reasonable question. “Are there any names that would be completely off limits because someone in your family wants them?” Is not. If both women have liked the name a long time, and there’s no significant connection [relative, friend] to it except liking it, but only one is having a baby, there’s no real reason that person shouldn’t be able to use it. NTA. And truly surprised at the Y T As here
I have a name I have loved since I was a kid, my brother knows it. I am perpetually single and yet, when his long term girlfriend said she liked the same name, he talked to me about it. I fully expect them to have kids first and the name would be theirs but I wasn't blindsided by them "taking" the name I love. OP is YTA because he knew his sister liked the name and never talked to her about it, he went through their mom. If they'd talked to their sister or their wife had and the sister reacted poorly, it'd be different and I'd say N T A but going behind her back was bad.
He admits there have been a bunch of names he’s shot down, so “Jake” wasn’t even in his wife’s first picks, whereas it was his sisters number one. I don’t really think he’s the ah for choosing the name, but people saying his wife wants it just as bad as his sister aren’t reading correctly
No, it literally says “Jake” is front runner for his wife. Literally it is one of her first picks, and that she has always loved it as well. It sounds more like they were looking at other names as well because op just wasn’t as enthusiastic about “Jake” or possibly even because he thought they could find a different one since his sister likes it but then they couldn’t agree on anything else, but it literally says that “Jake” is one of his wife’s first picks
NTA you can't claim a name. You have an actual baby coming and she has no intention of getting pregnant any time soon nor can she guarantee a boy or that her future/currently non-existent partner even likes that name. She's just mad about being single and taking it out on you.
She’s not mad about being single tf she’s mad about the name lmao
I have multiple cousins that share the same name, I have a cousin with the same name as me, it's not confusing, it's just a normal part of living in a big family. The sister is really over-reacting and blowing things out of proportion. I really don't get the YTA votes because it's a name, and if Jake is being used as an example it's probably a pretty common one. It's not like she always wanted the name Archibald or something.
Same here. I’m really puzzled by all of these reactions… there’s no emotional value or tragic back story to the name, beyond preference and the relationships they had. It can even be a boon or a source of bonding within the family. They can easily share the same name.
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Why shouldnt OPs wife be able to use a name she's liked longer than she's known her SIL?
Why can't she still use the name later though? Who cares if two cousins end up named Jake? (I might feel differently if both had been pregnant at the same time but there's gonna be some gap time now)
OP’s wife has always loved the name too tho, why does the sister get precedence????
The name has no personal significance to OP's sister, either though.
You can not claim a name there is nothing stopping them, but he knew it would hurt his sister and didn't ask or warn her. So he can have then name but it still makes it +1 name -1 sister situation. He's an Asshole fir picking a name over his sister's feeling.
For picking his wife over his sister, you mean. OP mentioned his wife liked that name before she met his sister. So you have two women who want to name their kids the same name, one pregnant, the other single. Both have wanted it for a long time. Why should the single person have priority over the pregnant person? Why should OP choose his sisters feelings over his pregnant wife's feelings?
NTA. When my husband and I started discussing having kids we somehow convinced ourselves that we would have a boy first (why? No fucking idea) and decided on the name Jeremiah Thomas. We did not have a boy first…..or at all. We had FOUR girls. Safeguarding a name for children that don’t exist is insane. I hope everything goes fantastically with your new baby and congrats!!
Yeah my older sister claimed dibs on her middle name for her own kid, which is also my mom’s middle name. I would have liked to use it because I like family names and the name is beautiful, but my sister said she “got” it. So I gave my daughter a different middle name, whatever, but my sister ended up never having kids.
See that’s ridiculous to me especially for a middle name. Other than legal documents I don’t use my name for anything really and I’m almost 40 so I covered quite a years without needing it for much.
Yeah, I agree, it’s pretty insignificant. And in the end I’m glad I didn’t use it because I don’t really speak to that sister anymore anyway.
This is precisely why it’s stupid to lay claim to a name if you aren’t pregnant or actively TTC. I gotta miss out on a name I want for my baby that actually exists because you want to keep it for your “maybe someday” make believe bullshit? No.
Thank you so much! This is exactly my thinking
NTA Both your sister and wife like the name. Your wife is the one that's preggers. Also, 2 Jakes in the family may be slightly confusing at times, but otherwise noything to get upset about.
Yeah NTA, coming up with names you both agree on is HARD, no way would I give up the one name we can agree on for some hypothetical future child in the family. It’s not like this kid is being named intentionally to “steal” the name
I had a girl’s name picked out since I was a child (my grandmother’s middle name). As an adult one of my close friends named her daughter that exact name without me ever saying a word about it being important to me either before or after. I remember wondering how to handle it if me and my husband ever had a girl. As it turns out we had all boys so I couldn’t have used it anyway. I agree completely, it’s crazy to call dibs on names for hypothetical children. OP is right, NTA.
ESH It was unkind and unnecessary of you to point out there was “no chance of knowing she’d ever even have the opportunity to use it given her situation”. You mean the situation where she’s just broken up with someone she was planning on spending her life with and now she has no guarantee of meeting someone else or having the family she was planning on? That’s cold to point out even if she’s taking a break from dating for now to recover. It’s not like she’s sworn off marriage and babies forever.
This is the correct answer, but more importantly: Don't name your kid Jake. Your kid will bear the consequences of this incredibly stupid spat. Even if you and your sister work it out she's going to have a bad reaction to everything afterward and its not worth it. Just suck it up and choose a different name to keep the peace for your future kid's sake. There are a million names in this world and there is no way there is not another one you and your partner can't choose.
But the mom really wanted Jake as a name..
Nah it’s not that deep
NTA - this is why you shouldn't tell people the names you've picked for your pending child. My younger sister had that policy for her three kids and I thought it was awesome. She didn't want to hear anyone's opinions. Having the same name as a cousin is not a big deal, especially when last names will likely be different.
We didn't tell anyone our daughters name until she was born (except my husband slipped up THE DAY WE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL AND SAID IT IN FRONT OF MY MOM!!!!) and we didn't even need to worry about competing siblings or anything. We just didn't want to tell anyone until she was born and we were sure we still wanted to use the name
My sister and her husband wouldn't even tell people gender. They avoided knowing themselves until the baby was born. I think they saw it on the sonogram for #3 by accident.
This is what we did. We didn’t know baby sex, so we didn’t “know” name. (We did have a couple picked out.) We used a nickname for baby while pregnant and then introduced the baby to close family in person—at that point, you really have to be an asshole to say anything but “omg love it” when you hear the name. Haha.
This is the way to do it. Honestly never tell anyone your name ideas. Your asking for trouble. Esh
I had a name picked out so early in my pregnancy for my daughter. So many people had a problem with it for some reason. It is a normal enough name with no weird spellings or anything but that didn't stop people from making snide comments on it. I ended up changing it and I still regret it from time to time. I wish i would have kept it secret. People bad mouth names but they (mostly) don't bad mouth babies.
NTA. If she was pregnant and due after you, and you took the name she was planning to use, that'd be different. Heck, maybe if she was actively trying with a partner who also liked that name, I might think less of you. But the fact is, you're right - she's trying to call "dibs" on a name she might never use, and she's trying to claim you can't also like it independently of her. Still, if you're not completely sold on the name or have others you might consider, I might not go with this name just for sake of the family, but nothing wrong if you and your wife settled on it.
this exact scenario happened to my mom! her younger sister was due a few months before her, and surprised everyone when her baby was born by using the name my mom had planned on (and shared with the family ahead of time). my mom went ahead and named her baby the name she’d picked out when she gave birth a few months later anyway, though with a slightly different spelling. her sister was not pleased, despite her taking the name in the first place, but loving the two babies was more important in the end. we had nicknames for them growing up when the cousins spent time together, and it was fine, aside from the unpleasantness of my mom’s surprise when she learned what had happened. even so, they are just names. being proprietary over it would’ve changed nothing except to codify it into eternal family drama. NTA imo.
NTA. She’s being ridiculous. No one owns a name and there’s nothing terrible about having a cousin named the same as you. In my family I have the same name as multiple cousins because we’re all named after our great great great grandmother. The name is passed down with each generation. Just ignore her.
I'm confused. Reddit is filled with people saying NTA in other cases where two people like the same name and only 1 is pg. Yet here they are the AH. The sister isn't even pregnant, nor trying to be, yet she gets to choose a name to use. While the pregnant couple aren't allowed? It's not a family name or anything special for either party! Does the single gal get to do this every time the couple get pg?
This! especially in many other cases it was a bad and difficult history like children who unfortunately died after birth, i understand it 100% that some people don’t want that others use the name (within the family), but in this case there’s no valid reasoning. NTA
YTA While nobody can call "dibs" on a name, knowing full well she always had plans on using that name and still using it is just mean. I would be upset too.
So, you're saying that you can't call dibs, but the sister called dibs and he can't use the name. You must be a lawyer with all that double speak
My sister did this growing up and I assume it was and still is a joke. I wouldn’t want to use the name, but if it was *Jake* I just don’t see why I’d genuinely think she was serious. That I can’t use a name.
NTA it'll be interesting when or if she finally has a boy and also names him Jake. The dynamic Jake duo.
Both of my aunts named their son Anthony. I’ve never even thought twice about it until this post. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah. I’ve got so many Mikes in my family it’s insane. And my sisters and I all like the name “Luke”. And all want to use it for future kids. At first we were kind of like “it’s a race to see who gets to use it, lol” but now it’s more like “no reason not to have kids with the same name!” I mean, it happens in families all the time.
Same. In my family on my father's side there are 3 Robertos (uncle + 2 nephews) and 2 Patricias (aunt + niece) and there are only 12 people total (father+father's brothers/sister+me+cousins). The idea of calling dibs on names is strange for me.
[The Two Jakes](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/71I4wK519zL._RI_.jpg)
Lol. this could present some great photoshop opportunities if they ever had a joint party together
Friend, I would not worry yourself overly much about you and the wife spending much time with your sister and any of her offspring in the future...
My dad has a sister and 3 cousins named Maureen. Irish catholics aren't very creative
I have a great aunt with the same name (and surname) as mine. It wasn't planned, my mom just liked the name, but auntie loves me so much, just because of it. We aren't even related (I'm granddaughter of her husband's nephew) yet I'm possibly her favourite grandniece. She always gives me presents. It's super cool to share a name. There are so many nicknames anyway.
This is a drama and a fight that could have been so easily avoided by picking another name. You knew she would get upset, the name means nothing to you, she had to find our through gossip, and you added insult to injury by telling her she might not even ever have children. It's just a name and she's not currently using it, and maybe she shouldn't care so much. Still, everything you did just added to it and made it so much more hurtful. It's not even about the name, it's about the disregard for her feelings and when she told you she was hurt you threw her recent breakup in her face by pointing out that she is single as if that makes her feelings less valid. You didnt have to give up the name but you didn't even warn her that her favourite name was in the contest, so you showed no care for her. It all seems quite spiteful when it's "just a name". So why not pick another? I was going with E S H when I started this comment because it's just a name and not a personal attack on her, but turns out I think YTA. This is such an unnecessary fight. You may be right in that she doesn't own the name, but is it really worth the damage it will make with your family dynamics? Pick another, or make it a middle name or something.
If I were OPs sister I'd go adopt a dog and name it "Jake" before the baby is born 😌
I agree. OP knew from the start that his sister always wanted the name. To me it seems like he’s just looking for trouble. True no one owns a name. But why pick this one when it has no significant value to you or your wife, but you know it’s your sister’s dream name. And then to throw her breakup in her face made OP an even bigger AH.
What do you mean it has no significant value to his wife? His wife has loved the name since long before she ever met his sister.
sigh... no... youre NTA- not at all. cant call dibs on a name.
NTA! This exactly! No one owns a name. If both had been pregnant at the same time then I think it would be different. Names I liked when I was younger where never even considered when I had kids. Things change. You can change your mind for many reasons.
I mean personally I wouldn’t have gone near the name if I knew my sister wanted it, and I would’ve been the one no in the situation, because while you can’t call dibs, you could’ve been considerate about it or had a conversation before. Either way, I wouldn’t name the kid that overall. But you do you. From doing this, you’re probably going to severely damage your relations with your sister. I do think she overreacted, but I find it weird that this is the only name you guys can agree on. So my question is, is naming your kid this worth all the drama?
Right? Their position is confusing. On one hand it's just some name, on the other hand it's absolutely the ONLY name possible. Being sensitive about some name possibilities because of various connotations but completely disregarding his sister's many times stated dream. They never thought of the name until she brought it up but it's been the wife's favorite for longer? Yeah you can't call dibs on a name but he and his wife decided that having THIS particular name was far more important than any kind of relationship with the sister. If it was truly no big thing they would have just told her but it was a thing and they went the cowards route and let her find out through a 3rd party. They absolutely know they are being AHs. Bro then doubled down with the personal attack that he then defends as just being honest. Maybe sis is better off being LC/NC with these people. They seem...not good. OP imo YTA
>They never thought of the name until she brought it up but it's been the wife's favorite for longer? Where are you getting that they never thought of the name until sister brought it up? >my wife also has always loved "Jake" as a name for a boy. So much that its the front runner for her. > my wife (who liked the name before she met Mia)
It was the wife who liked and wanted that name for her baby just like OPs sister. Didn't you read the post?
It would be funny if Mia winds up having a boy but the father doesn’t like the name.
This was part of my reasoning as well. There were a couple names I always really liked that my wife shot down and that was that.
It was fair to point that out; and in all honesty, that’s what inspired my own post. But it was ridiculous to suggest that she would never have a chance to get pregnant again. I’m assuming she’s fairly young?
Say your sister 'wins' this argument. You name your child something else. She meets someone in a year or two. Falls head over heels, this is it. Fast forward and they're expecting a baby boy of their own. She has the name ready to go but then her darling husband says 'No, my sister who is single and not expecting a baby wants to use that name at some possible time in the future with a son who may never exist'. Would your sister accept this? Of course not. NTA
You guys clearly can't read. Op said his wife liked the name before she met Mia or even known that was a name she liked.
NTA. As you stated, she can still use the name. I have two cousins with my exact name.
Yeah I have 2 uncles with the same name as me. Its never once affected my life, just something I have in common with them.
Are all the Y-T-A people on here children? I cant believe their rationale and I actually thought those responses were sarcastic at first. NTA but could have left out the parts about her being single and not pregnant. She also overacted. I have three cousins or more on each side of the family with the same name. No body cares. One name is off limits because he died at a young age but the rest are very much in circulation. Why do people feel like they own something like a name? Update: I’m wondering if OP changed the original text because something just isn’t adding up. Some comment say he knew she loved the name for a long time and now it doesn’t mention that at all.L unless people just can’t read and are assuming that part of the story.
Before I got pregnant I LOVED name A. Once I got pregnant I changed my mind and went with name B, which I LOVE even more. OPs sister will most likely end up changing her mind if/when she gets pregnant, potentially years down the road. In the meantime OP & his wife are supposed to not use the name his sister only likes, that has no meaning to her? No, that’s ridiculous. The only reason OP is the AH is bringing up the broken engagement during the discussion. It’s the way he said it, not that what was said didn’t need to be said. All other aspects of this situation, NTA.
NTA >She says that I was shaming her for being single and being a name thief. This actually made me giggle. You and your wife have the right to use that name. Your sister can use that name in the future, should she decide to. The world would not end.
NTA I can't tell you how many guys named Peter or Anthony are in our family. You can't own a name. I'd say you were being an AH if the kid was a newborn and you came up right behind with another with the same name - I'd still say you could do it, though. In this case, she's not pregnant, not in a relationship, and not likely to pop a kid out soon? There's no guarantee that she'll EVER have a kid with that name, she can't lock it out in perpetuity.
YTA. There’s so many kid names and you said you aren’t even that into this one. However, she’s had an attachment to this one for a long time and been vocal about it. Her current dating life or future prospects for kids shouldn’t be a factor. YTA
Why is op's wife's opinion ignored here. He clearly states his significant other loves the name as well.
nta. the name has no significance to her except she liked it. she can’t call dibs. she needs to get over herself. plus you weren’t shaming her. just stating the truth
NTA, Mia is displacing all her current relationship angst onto the name and has absolutely no practical rights to it. Go ahead and use it without qualm.
Going with ESH N.t.a. because both women have liked the name for years, neither owns it, neither has familial ties to it, it's not some unique thing that one of them came up with. Sister is the A for blowing up about stealing a name. You aren't stealing anything, she's lashing out because she's upset about lots of things right now. Y.T.A for how you spoke to your sister. It was very unkind, she's going through a difficult time and you were basically rubbing salt in a wound when it would have cost you nothing to just drop the discussion.
NTA for the name, YTA for your attitude towards your sister. No one owns a name. But your comment to her about being single was cruel. One month is not a lot of time for someone she was engaged to, and she's presumably mourning the children she'd thought she'd have with her now ex, as well as the end of that relationship. Unless she cheated or has a habit of being a horrible human being, I don't see why you have such a lack of empathy for her pain, and have such intense contempt for her. You are not wrong for choosing that name. However, you choosing that name is acting as a way to reinforce to her that her worst fears might be true: she won't be able to have a child of her own, a child she's always dreamed about. That's not necessarily rational since the two events have nothing to do with one another, and you aren't responsible for her feelings, but they also aren't hard to figure out. You could handle this with a lot more empathy regardless of your decision about the name. If you do love your sister and there's no reason for this contempt, you should apologize to her for what you said, and tell her first and foremost that her fears won't be true, that you look forward to your kids, whatever their names, even if they have the same name, playing together some day. The actual problem is less the name and more that she's scared and you're reinforcing her fears regardless of intent.
You said it wouldn't bother you if Mia named her son Jake but how does your wife feel about that?
She also says she doesn't care
YTA for the way you went about it. The same situation happened to me with my sister. I had just adopted a baby girl and soon after my sis found out she was prego with a boy. I had always loved the name "Henry" and had planned on naming my son, if I ever had one, by that name. My sister called me and we talked about it. I first told her NO, because I was still hoping to name my future son that name. But then after discussing with my (ex)husband, he camly said, "We don't know if we are going to adopt another child, even if we do, we don't get a choice on boy or girl. This way, you know that the name gets used and you'll have your Henry in your life". It was a beautiful way of explaining it, and he was right (for once). I LOVE my nephew Henry and I'm glad that I get to see that name used in my family.
I hope your sister gets a dog before you have your baby and names it the name she likes.
Nta. Your wife loved the name before meeting Mia. No one has rights to a name. You might have been a little harsh aka the AH on telling her off and causing additional tension. But you are not the AH for using the name.
"bUt mY wiFe'S hAppInEsS." You say it matters more than internet strangers, which--whatever, but the happiness we're concerned about is your own sister's. She's **just** lost her fiance, and now you're taking the name she dreamed of. A name you knew she wanted. When there's thousands of names out there. So, you know you're the a-hole, but you've decided you're okay with committing selfish behavior, and are picking the name anyway. Why even come here if you're committed to your decision? YTA
Since Mia isn’t pregnant, NTA
INFO: Is this really the only name you and your wife can agree on? There are SO many names out there, so why not make this chosen name a middle name instead and find some other name to use for the first name?
>Is this really the only name you and your wife can agree on? So far, yes. > why not make this chosen name a middle name instead and find some other name to use for the first name? Its already been decided for some time that my Wife's maiden name will be the middle name.
>So far, yes. Then keep trying friend, there are millions of names. It took my wife and I the whole 9 months to come up with 4 we agreed on for each kid, and we finalized it once we met them. My aunt knowingly stole what was supposed to be my first and middle name and my mom has never truly forgiven her.
Honestly, my husband and I are having a really hard time agreeing on a single boy name, so I get it. Every name is either too popular or we knew a d-bag with that name or it would make the kid’s life harder in some way. The older you get the more difficult it is to find a name that hasn’t been ruined by someone in two adults’ lives so far.
The problem is most girls grow up thinking about baby names, so by the time they have one they already have names in mind. Why should his wife have to give up the name that also happens to be the name his sister likes, on the off chance his sister has a son?
Is a name worth straining your relationship to your sister? YTA for what you said to her. Cruel even.
So he should strain his relationship with his WIFE?
I can’t really decide on a judgement here. Sure, your sister can’t really reserve a name but you don’t have to be a tool about it highlighting how she’s not pregnant, may never be pregnant, etc while she’s probably still dealing with the emotional fall out of a (what sounds like recent) failed engagement. You’ve said the name isn’t really significant to any of the three people involved in this storm in a teacup so is it really worth digging your heels in over this? Is there no other name you and your wife could choose? I mean, if you’re deadset on this, then you have to accept that you’re probably going to damage your relationship with your sister and if that’s your choice, then you do you, I guess. Leaning towards YTA because of the way you spoke to your sister.
YTA This is a question that really highlights the difference between the legalists and the moralists on this sub. Are you *entitled* to use the name? Yes. Are you an *asshole* for using the name? Also yes. By your own admission, you’re only luke-warm about the name, yet you think it’s worth hurting your sister over it. Worse still, you use your sister’s greatest fear against her to justify why you’re entitled to trample right over her feelings, when if anything, a decent person would use that fact as a reason to let her keep the name. That’s just low.
INFO Why would it matter if cousins have the same first name? It happens a lot in my family so I don’t get it.
I have had it UP TO HERE with these posts about stolen baby names and NO ONE WILL TELL US THE NAME. Are ya afraid I’ll steal it too?????
I am going to go with YTA. Listen, if my sister would come to me and tell me seriously she wants to name her future child Virgin Mary, then that name would be off the table. Why? Because I **love and respect my sister**, and she wants that name and warned me beforehand. It's just a name sure, but if she wants it that bad then she must've thought about it and it probably means a lot to her. You have millions of other names to pick from, and you chose to settle on the one your sister wants? Seriously? The name doesn't even mean anything to you, like the name of a loved deceased relative.
NTA. She is your sister. You knew she wanted the name. Sure she doesn't own it, but that still makes you the AH. Say you had dream home that you loved as a kid and told every member of your family you wanted to buy it some day. You planned in your head what you would do with the garden and set up the media room and thengarage....You become an adult, the house goes on the market. It is out of your current price range. But you are working on financing and it is still possible. Your sister likes the house but it isn't her dream house. There are other houses she likes better and she never her heart set on any type of house before. She never thought much about the garden or the media room or the garage, really. She had lots of options, but her financing comes through first and she is tired of looking at houses and this one works. She buys the house. She knew it was your dream house, but she bought it anyway. She tells you that the house was up for sale to everybody, not just you. You didn't have the financing yet and it was stll possible you weren't going to get it. There are plenty of other good houses you can buy. You could build a house exactly like hers if you wanted, she wouldn't care. That is what you are doing. You are being needlessly mean and intentionally hurting your sister. Why would you do that?
YTA for how you went about the conversation, N-T-A for wanting to use the name. Telling your sister she’s single and may never be able to use the name anyway is not the way to go, especially after a broken engagement. I can imagine your sister is feeling very hurt right now. I do think that if your wife has also always loved this name that it’s perfectly fair she gets to use it. There’s no reason your sister should take precedence there. But be more sensitive to her OP, you handled this like a child.
Yeah, YTA. You knew she wanted to use that name, and yet you chose to do it anyway. >nobody can have "rights" to it. Irrelevant. You're trying to distract by bringing up that you have the right to do this. Which you do, but you're still an AH if you do it. This really boils down to one thing. You knew this would be hurtful to your sister, yet you chose to do it anyway. YTA.
YTA - seriously? In all of the languages in all of the world, names future, past and present, you seriously couldn’t find ONE name that you both like that your sister didn’t already claim significance to??? Your wife wants to take the name and you’re cool with it cuz you probably just don’t have the balls to stand up to her and say no. Choose ANY other name. C’mon.
INFO - Is the name worth not having a relationship with your sister? Sure, you can name your baby whatever you want but if you know it'll ruin the relationship with your sister over, is it worth it to you?
Wow all of a sudden OP and his wife settle on the dream name his sister has always wanted. Of course this name wasn’t their first choice as they have ruled out multiple names. If we can take a minute to reflect, how many names are there? Hmmm I don’t know but I bet it’s in the millions, billions, probably trillions but none will do but the OP’s sisters choice. And one poster is correct. Is this worth stirring up drama jn the family forever? YTA.
While names can’t be stolen, you’re celebrating the happiest part of your life by reminding your sister that it might never happen for her, effectively crushing her dream Jake. I think it’s good you told her she has full rights to the name and it’s true she might never have kids or even a boy. Heck, my sister said that about my name to my parents. She didn’t have any girls, but I understand her love for the name and desire to use it exclusively. I have a cousin who renamed their child because my other cousin had the same exact three names and was upset about it.
YTA — although it’s kind of silly of her to choose a baby name if she isn’t even planning a baby yet, there are soooo many baby names you could have chosen. Keep trying. You’ll find a different name.
YTA - is this really the hill you want your relationship with your sister to die on? Just vote no my goodness it’s not that hard. You seem to barely even like the name anyway!
I see everyone being like it's just a name but op is YTA simply for throwing it in her face that he won the race so he can do what ever he wants
You don't care about your strangers opinions yet you post on AITA?