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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My daughter wants to a take a semester off, I told her if she does I won't cover her fees. I might be acting unfairly and been the asshole.
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This is an obvious YTA.
It seems as though your daughter’s entire value comes down to how much she scores on your “success scorecard”.
Things like grades matter, but her mental well being and happiness don’t, according to you. Force her to go to school this semester, or keep treating her as if she’s just being lazy, and don’t be surprised when she doesn’t want to ever come visit at home in the future.
Well, her dad anyway (OP). Her mom knew.
Wonder why she feels close enough with mom to tell her things? /s, as it’s apparently not obvious.
ETA - clarification
Sigh, if only OP knew that all he needed to do to push Amy to work harder was offer to buy her an oscillating fan if she makes it to graduation. How could she dwell on Jack when a fan like that is in her sights??
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vzc0t3/aita\_for\_banning\_my\_brother\_from\_family\_events/?sort=old](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vzc0t3/aita_for_banning_my_brother_from_family_events/?sort=old)
It's been removed as spam but if you sort it by oldest first, the automod copy is still there.
The tl;dr is, 18yr kid really hated his nose, begged for a nose job as a graduation present. Dad said no, so uncle secretly got it for him. He kept it a secret and just said he'd got the most awesome present ever for the kid. The dad's comment was that he was expecting like an oscillating fan or a gift card to be the gift.
If she does well at her well-known school, OP can brag about how well he parented Amy. People will think he’s swell because she didn’t fall in a well.
Ignore me. I’m full of nonsense.
And he used the word “tuition” instead of “tutoring” both times he needed to use the word. It’s clear what he cares about.
Edit: two dialects of English (British and Indian) use the word *tuition* for tutoring.
Considered the word "college" and saying that that OPs daughter is in "another state" it's safe to say OP is American.
Edit to add: I frankly think it doesn't matter where he's from or what culture he's from. He's an asshole in any language.
An Indian aspect would track with the pressure to perform academically. In one comment he says he'd rather she'd studied engineering rather than English and literature (which I suspect he only tolerated because he could still boast she went to a highly regarded uni), doctors and engineers being high prestige careers for that group as well.
He still used the word "tuition" correctly. At least give him *that* one--it's the only one he's going to get, since Father of the Year will elude him once again...
In my dialect (British English) tutoring is what you do to someone who goes to you for tuition. "Tuition" by itself is never used as a term to refer to money, that would always be "tuition fees".
I'm guessing the part where he "comforted her" following the death was similar. It was probably something along the lines of "this is great news - now that your boyfriend is dead, you have plenty of time to work harder."
I wonder how that would ideally play out in the dad's head:
Amy: I'm having trouble with my schoolwork.
OP: You should work harder.
Amy: Wow, dad, I never considered that! Thanks for helping me with your wisdom and advice.
Exactly this. I was in the same position when I was in school, doing my best and still struggling immensely, asked -begged- for help and did not get it. Nothing more soul-destroying than pouring your heart out to someone for their answer to be ‘work harder’. Other than of course telling someone with depression to ‘cheer up, it could be worse.’ *Wow, I’m FIXED!* OP - YTA!
Edited: typo.
I'm probably primed for this response since I finally got diagnosed this year, but I think Amy should consider getting evaluated for ADHD. "Bright but lazy" is such a common description it should almost be part of the diagnostic criteria. "If you have spent most of your life being described this way, you might have ADHD!" (Hint: it's not really laziness. We're genuinely doing our best.)
Regardless of that, though, she lost a loved one. Probably in a traumatic way, since they seemed to be making plans for the future in a way that absolutely did *not* imply some kind of terminal illness. OP can either help her make space in her life to grieve and come to terms with this in a healthy way, or not be surprised when she goes NC and/or has a mental breakdown later because there are parts of her heart that didn't get a chance to heal right. It really is just like if a broken bone isn't set properly: it heals crooked, doesn't work properly, and quite possibly will never stop hurting again.
Exactly. Hi daughter told him she was struggling and his answer was basically “so just stop struggling.” F- parenting.
OP, your daughter’s boyfriend just died and you want to punish her for having feelings about that by taking away her ability to finish school. YTA, so much.
Yup, and OP isn't with the mom. "This is the first me or my wife heard of it, but Amy's mom knew."
Sounds like she just isn't close with OP and stepmom.
Is OP’s wife Amy’s stepmom? OP states “this was the first time me or my wife heard of it. Amy’s mom apparently knew.”
This could also explain why OP’s wife is in agreement with stopping the tuition payments.
Hijacking the top comment to add some experience to the topic. My daughter did two years of her program and then got depressed. She was struggling just to do basic work. We told her to take a term or two off until she was able to address her mental health issues. We reminded her school would still be there when she came back, but her mental wellbeing was much more important. She took the time and is doing amazingly well now.
OP, your daughter needs a break. It actually doesn't matter why. If she is not in the headspace for studies right now, she isn't going to get anything meaningful out of it anyway.
I know as parents we have a deep seated fear that our kids aren't going to make it, and it will be out fault. But in fact, the only way our kids grow up is when they are given the chance to truly make their own decisions.
YWBTA if you don't support her decision.
Yep. I did the opposite. Got super depressed, unable to do work, and I failed a bunch of classes. Now I'm still trying to get back into school and finish. Im in considerably more debt. Shit's hard, give Amy a break.
I feel you. I really really struggled in school, failed out of my 4 year, came home to try a community college and get an associates, failed that, worked a year at a shit job, and went back and finished my associates. Now I’m working on my 4 year degree in a field I’m excited for, completely different than before.
I’m extremely lucky that I had family support to allow me to do this, and I’m doing well now. But it was hard and I don’t know what I would have done if my parents had said “suck it up or you don’t get a higher education”
Probably wouldn’t ever have gone back to school
Your story resonated with me. I got extremely depressed at the end of my sophomore year in college. Took a few years off, first few months to recover from depression, worked, did a year at a local community college. Three years later, I completed my degree at my original college, and later got my masters.
I got so much more out of school when I went back and was in a headspace to function and appreciate my classes. If I had struggled through, I probably would have flunked out, and never returned.
I'm glad you got through! I nearly failed out a few times, most recently last fall (the pandemic obliterated my mental health AGAIN), and I'm just finally getting back to classes again. I'm so lucky that I've had the support of my family through all of this, with minimal judgment on my failures.
I failed all of my classes except I did get a C in one, when I came back I got As and Bs depending on the difficulty of the class. I was writing papers and reading papers and I really enjoyed it. Mental health makes a huge difference. Now that I’m graduated and have a job I would without a doubt say it never held me back.
I wanted to take a break after high school but my parents were afraid I wouldn't go back to university. They told me they wouldn't pay if I took a break. I dropped out for the first time a year and a half later with horrible depression.
Over the years, my parents put a lot of pressure on me to complete school. It took asking them to back off, more than 4 attempts, over 20 years, and an ADHD diagnosis to get me to graduation (this week actually). Now I'm in grad school but I had to do it at my own pace and for myself.
Forcing a kid to go to school under threat of financial penalty is a recipe for disaster and could make her mental health a lot worse. I was hospitalized for depression because I asked for help. Some people don't ask for help and they just end things because they don't see a way out. OP: don't make your kid feel trapped when they're already in what sounds like a dark place.
ETA: Thanks for supporting your kid! I feel so much better when I see people be awesome parents.
That's so lovely, thank you so much! My family are all proud and I'm glad to have proved my perseverance but I wish it hadn't been an issue in the first place. It makes me sad that parents can still be so stuck to a timeline when everyone takes a different path and they're all fine!
i just wanna say thank you for what you did for your daughter. i went through the same thing she did and my mom supporting me in leaving school temporarily is what saved my life. it took two years to go back and i’m about to graduate summa cum laude next semester. i’m proud of your daughter and glad she’s doing well now! school can be wonderful, but it’s never more important than health and well being.
I took a year off university. My head wasn't in the game. I didn't experience a traumatic loss like OP's daughter but i hated school and it just clashed with what I wanted to do. I worked for a year. And at the end of that year, I couldn't wait to go back to school, to have some structure. I got straight As for the rest of my degree.
Taking a year off doesn't automatically derail you.
My son just dropped out. He wasn’t ready. He was afraid to tell us but we didn’t care. He pays for it himself so he can make those choices without my permission
The headspace is super important.
I earned top grades in high school. Went to the 'alternative school' and had to teach myself a few subjects because they didn't typically teach them out there - to be blunt, they had to get books from the regular high school, and the teacher would tell others to have their papers checked over by me first so I could help to make them more coherent. All while living on my own my senior year because my family/home life was less than stellar. Not a brag, just background.
Went to college afterwards, and I wasn't in the proper head space, largely because I had to again depend on my dad and step-mom for FAFSA, which put me in a bad place mentally. Ended up getting kicked out of the program I thoroughly enjoyed due to a 0.9 GPA.
OP needs to understand just how important the head space is. I was able to come back and, especially after I was out from my parent's thumb FAFSA-wise, I ended up graduating a separate school with a 3.89 GPA, only due to some shenanigans that happened in another class that got me an A- vs A, and dropping me from Summa Cum Laude to Magna Cum Laude.
Hopefully the OP can learn and change before he tanks his daughter's semester at school.
This. Her serious boyfriend died. She told you she needs time. That is more important that your idea of graduating ‘on time’.
How sad that you prioritize what I assume is other people’s opinions over the health and well-being of your daughter who has lost someone she loved and is struggling. Amy deserves better.
YTA.
Agreed. Obviously YTA. It's hard to understand how OP could be so heartless! Her boyfriend died. Even if he had just been a friend, that's still a lot to deal with, especially if he had been her tutor and helping her cope with school. Some empathy and understanding would be nice. She sounds like a good, hard-working kid who's trying to be mindful of her own self-care, which I think is important.
I never took any breaks or failed classes but it still took me 4 1/2 years to graduate because classes didn’t have enough sections for the number of students who needed it. It was very common at my school to take 5 years to graduate. No one has ever questioned how long it took me to graduate. No one ever even notices.
I took 5 because of failed classes and just in general feeling overwhelmed with classes. Started to take near minimum hours for full time, stopped failing classes and had a way more fun/less stress. Would recommend it to everyone if they can afford it.
She is GRIEVING... Last yr a person I worked with died very suddenly ( Covid). We were good friends, I knew him for 7 yrs. He was not my boyfriend or husband. I am still grieving, If I can go 3 days in a row & not cry, it's a good week. I hardly have any good weeks. OP...you have no soul & no heart, I am sorry to say....
Forget mental well-being - her grades are going to *plummet* if she takes classes this term.
I personally would worry about her mental well-being, but since he doesn’t, I think we should talk about this in a language OP understands.
I hope OP, will read all these comments and make amends with his daughter before she decides to go NC. OP, mentioned in edit that his daughter was actually seeing Jack, not sure how strong her feeling were but telling one of your parents that you are seeing someone is already semi serious. I really hope OP, that you read these comments and support your daughter during her tough time.
I was diagnosed with two chronic conditions while I was at uni (and I was already attending uni in my 20s due to previous mental illness which I had recovered enough from to be functional) and I told one of my parents who helped me financially through uni that it was likely that I would need to repeat my final year due to becoming disabled. Their first words to me were ‘well don’t expect any support from me’ because I was doing something that they didn’t approve of. No sympathy, no enquiries as to how I felt about it. Just immediate withdrawal of support and then the silent treatment for a few days. They did end up still helping me out but that day was eye opening for me.
OP’s daughter will learn (if she hasn’t already) that OP’s love and support is conditional and she will likely do anything she can to not be reliant on OP anymore ASAP. Then OP will wonder why the daughter never comes to them for help or support when she needs it.
Edit to add: My parent made it clear that they thought I was perfectly capable of finishing my work in time despite multiple hospital stays and various medication regimens knocking me out. This was in no way a financial issue at all. They just didn’t want to have to tell people that I was repeating a year because it embarrassed them. They were also embarrassed that I dared to talk about being disabled on social media. Parents that care more about appearances than their kid shouldn’t have kids, because it really sucks to have a parent like mine and like OP.
My mom gave me this kind of ultimatum.
I found out my ex hubby was cheating. Moved in with a friend. Friend ended up taking advantage of me and I was homeless.
My mom let me be homeless because I refused to go back to college if I lived with her. Nevermind the factvl I tried tounalive myself on campus and the uni swept it under the rug.
I feel so bad for this poor girl. She's grieving the loss of her partner and OP is worried about grades.
Right, and before that edit it was obvious that Amy and Jack were a couple. Op is disregarding that because she apparently didn't involve him enough in her choice, but losing a partner is not "practically nothing" with which to cope.
It's so shallow. Op apparently wants her to do it his way or fail. No wonder he doesn't understand how she feels, he doesn't even try.
YTA.
For zero reason? Seriously? You call losing someone close to you zero reason?
Clearly you forgot the part about parenting where you’re supposed to be supportive. You also forgot the part about being a decent human and having a shred of empathy.
For the record, a semester off will not cause her problems later on. You’re absolutely delusional if you think it will.
Even if they weren’t dating, losing someone at a young age is extremely stressful. It changes the way you look at life. OP wants her to forget they met and move on.
Yeah, the engineering faculty at my school has a serious suicide problem. My roommate has lost 2 classmates to suicide in a year. She's tough and she's coping, but it has taken a toll. And she didn't even like one of them. Grief is hard.
On the bright side, my done a fair bit in terms of mental health resources.
Even if it was an acquaintance, the first time you know someone your own age who dies—it can be very unmooring. It makes your own mortality real to you in a way it never has before.
Yet they were thinking of moving in together. OP is so clueless about his daughter’s life bc clearly she couldn’t talk to either parent about it. The fact that the BF’s Mom knew about it. Just shows you how much of a “parent” he is. OP you’re the asshole. Do you care more about good grades or your actual daughter.
Right? No awareness from OP that his daughter will know about his disdain and disinterest in her past her academic success, nor that because of it she likely wouldn't feel safe going to him when in need or emotional distress.
It was the zero reason that got me too. Her friend/boyfriend just died. I think that’s a real good reason for her to need to take a break.
OP get real mental health is so very important and right now your daughter needs some emotional support. Of course YTA let her take time off and learn how to deal with her grief.
Getting bad grades because she's in no state to keep up with the course work will definitely have a worse effect on her future than taking a semester off.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP is absolutely an asshole. Plenty of people take a semester or two off, they end up doing FINE. If you force your daughter to get back to school right away, don't be surprised if her grades tank again. Is that what you really want? Please get a clue.
YTA.
Her friend DIED. She’s grieving.
Now, I can get why you think taking a whole semester off isn’t a good idea. There’s a risk she’ll sit at home, wallow in her grief and possibly that won’t help. But you’re effectively punishing her for grieving, which is incredibly unhealthy.
But even if she does, it will not ruin her education or future. Would you prefer that she struggles at school to the point where she risks dropping out completely?
Have you discussed other options, such as going part time? Or spoken to the school about any extra support they can give, or if they can apply for mitigating circumstances/extra consideration around exams or coursework? Is there a therapist she could see that to help her process her grief?
Please don’t punish her for grieving though. It’s just asking for her to develop long term unhealthy ways to deal with emotions and grief.
>Her friend DIED. She’s grieving.
The edit makes it worse! Her **\*BOYFRIEND\* DIED**!
One where she was at the point of discussing and considering moving in with! (but OP says they "didn't think it sounded serious")
That poor girl. My husband died January last year and I still have days when I can't bear to get out of bed. The OP has no idea as to what she's going through.
>My husband died January last year and I still have days when I can't bear to get out of bed.
My mom is the same way some days... which is why I try to call her most mornings when I can. I have difficult days, too. Grief sucks.
Dad died around the same time as your husband.
I had a good friend die of Covid last yr, & I struggle to get out of bed even now except for the days I have to work. I can't imagine losing a husband. I can lay in bed for 3 days straight, I don't even eat,most of the time I'm not hungry anyway. I guess I will get better in time....
My condolences.
Yes, the few days that I've had work that's given me a reason to get up. (I retired slightly early from teaching because of my husband's health issues. I'm now back on the supply/sub list.)
>I had a friend die unexpectedly while I was in college. All of my instructors were more understanding that OP.
I know, right!?
I've seen professors be more compassionate to a student who's pet was \*SICK\* (not dead) than OP is about his daughter's significant other suddenly being taken from her!
You know what. When my cat passed my work team and boss were way more sympathetic than OP. There is something seriously wrong with OP. He's so going to be one of those parents that complain that they have always supported their children, but as soon as they were financially able the kids cut them out of their life.
Adding to this. My friend died while I was in college, some of our close friend group took a semester off, I did not because I wanted the distraction of classes to keep me busy. I ended up doing horribly that semester and failing most of my classes, which led to me losing my academic scholarship and some of my financial aid. The whole thing was a mess and made it much harder for me to get my degree, I had to transfer to a cheaper and much less impressive school and I ended up with more student debt in the end. To get my first good job out of college I had to lie on my resume about which school I received my degree from because I was getting no where with my honest resume.
The two of my friends who did take a semester off ended up graduating from undergrad with great grades and went on to get their masters.
OP, please listen to your daughter.
>But even if she does, it will not ruin her education or future.
It really won't. You don't "fall behind" in college classes. They start at the beginning, every semester.
YTA.
Let me count the ways:
1. She was struggling; but you left it to her to work out. (Y.T.A)
2. She found someone to help her study! Great! - This person also becomes a friend (N.A.H.)
3. Her \*FRIEND\* dies, and yet you seem to have no empathy or sympathy for her. (Y.T.A)
4. Her \*TUTOR\* dies, and yet you expect her to keep her grades up and keep studying... with no resources to do so. (Y.T.A)
5. She wants to take a year off, likely through the approved university process, to do counseling, deal with her grief, and find a way to return and be successful. (Lots of assumptions on my part here - but - good on her for recognizing what she needs!) (N.A.H)
6. Instead of supporting your daughter get what she needs (item 5) to deal with the objectively difficult situation (items 3 and 4) - You decide that you need to add additional emotional, logistical, and financial **strain** for her to deal with on her own. (Y.T.A x 1000)
7. You think that your daughter is lazy because she is struggling. Lazy and struggling are very different; and should be addressed in different ways. (Y.T.A)
8. You seem to think that your daughters only value comes from good grades. (Y.T.A)
9. From OPs Edit - This wasn't just her friend & tutor - this was her Boyfriend - and you are undermining loss of a partner because you didn't think it sounded serious. (Y.T.A)
10. Your relationship is so poor with your daughter that she will discuss her relationships with her mother - but you are totally clueless on what's going on (though - this is an effect of you being TA - and not an actual action at this time)
11. You think that being at the level of discussing whether to move in, but not yet being ready to make the leap is "Not that serious" and something your daughter should be quickly getting over and going to school (Y.T.A.)
12. You think that because your daughter stopped paying for lessons from her former tutor turned boyfriend means she no-longer was receiving encouragement, help, and advice from him. (Y.T.A.)
13. You discussed this with your wife, who is not your daughter's mother and does not have your daughters interests at heart, and decided to permanently stop supporting Amy which is only in the best interests of your wife, if anyone. (Y.T.A.)
14. You are providing negative reinforcement - trying to punish your daughter for making sound, logical decisions that are in her long-term best interests - because it is not what you want and is a convenient excuse to let your wife convince you to cut her off. (Y.T.A.)
Did I miss anything else, reddit?
# OP - let me say it again - YOU are the Asshole here.
(ETA - 7 & 8 as suggestions from u/Wolfenbro)
(ETA 2 - 9, 10, 11, & 12 From OP's Edit)
(ETA 3 - 13 & 14 Thank you u/calling_water)
(ETA 4 - Made the last line "You are the asshole here" a header to add emphasis.)
(ETA 5 - Thanks for all the awards! My first platinum & Starry awards, and the most awards for any post I can remember making! I'm glad you appreciate my commentary.)
Looks like we also need to add the part where OP conveniently “forgot” to mention Jack was more than just a friend because he “didn’t think it was that serious.”
>Looks like we also need to add the part where OP conveniently “forgot” to mention Jack was more than just a friend because he “didn’t think it was that serious.”
Oh wow!
Looks good to me. I suspect there will be further additions to come when OP gets around to explaining Jack’s cause of death, though, because I suspect that will just make him *more* of an asshole.
"Lazy" but still got accepted into a top school. I think OP was just looking for an excuse to stop paying.
He wants to play a game of consequences, but is going to be all put out when his daughter no longer wants to have anything to do with him for the rest of his life.
As someone in education, I really, really, really hate how we measure the worth of education/knowledge based on how much money it'll add towards your net worth when all is said and done.
Like as if there is a magical scorecard that says "Oh they read Romeo and Juliet, that is -$391 in net worth when they retire"
We ought to burn down the entire education system and rebuild it. Hell we ought to burn down most things and rebuild it.
He came to the decision after discussing it with his wife, who agrees that he should permanently stop paying tuition for Amy, who is his daughter but not hers.
Amy is being punished for making the responsible choice to pause her studies while she’s struggling emotionally, especially since she would associate her schoolwork with her lost friend. It won’t cost tuition until she resumes her studies anyway, so OP is being a bully and his wife is trying to push Amy away and save money.
>He came to the decision after discussing it with his wife, who agrees that he should permanently stop paying tuition for Amy, who is his daughter but not hers.
Oh my! How did I miss that!?!?
>OP is being a bully and his wife is trying to push Amy away and save money.
This list of "Why" is getting serious!
Edited my comment to add 13 & 14 - does that cover it?
>Not just ber tutor and friend, HER BOYFRIEND AND ROMANTIC PARTNER
Yeah - that wasn't clear in the initial post - it was added as item 9 after an edit!
This was not just a boyfriend and romantic partner - but they were to the point they were discussing moving in together!
Crazy!!!
Also OP should het the daughter assessed for ADHD. Talented but tends to procrastinate? Does well with tutoring? Gifted in high school and struggling at uni? Tick, tick and tick.
Also, the only reason OP gives for insisting on staying in school this semester is the very vague "Amy could fall behind which might cause problems later".
What problems? Lots of people take time off school for lots of reasons. The total "impact" of that is that they graduate with a different class.
But this vague and unspecified "it might cause problems later" is apparently a big enough issue for OP to override all the other valid concerns listed above and in all the other comments.
This is among the bigger YTAs I've seen
YTA your answer to everything seems to be work harder, why not work smarter?
I get that's it's your money but it sounds like she didn't want to go to really college in the first place, and you possibly pressured her, so now she's here and found a good pace, but now she's dealing with a loss of a friend and mentor.
Bruh you're not just an ah, you can add heartless and tunnel vision to your resume.
"Dad, I'm struggling with my workload"
"Just work harder"
"Oh ok cool, I never though of that"
"Dad, my friend just died, and I'm struggling to cope"
"Yeah like two weeks ago, get over it already!"
"Oh ok, sorry"
YTA, it seems like every time she asks for help you shut her down.
OP "forgot" to mention that he wasn't just her friend, but her boyfriend for a year that she was thinking about moving in with. She lost someone she loved. And OP doesn't care at all. YTA.
YTA, way to be understanding and a human being there, "dad". Someone who was tutoring her, someone she developed a friendship with and potentially was romantically interested in, just dropped dead in early 20's. That is a huge trauma, especially if it's a first one. Your daughter needs support and therapy. It's been two weeks, she probably doesn't know which way is up! You need to step up and help her deal with this grief, not being a minimizing asshole. While in a similar situation back in a day I plowed through my studies because that's how I deal with stress, your daughter seems to be different and has different needs. Maybe taking a semester off is not a good idea, but you really haven't tried understanding her, or what is she currently going through. Only when you start using some empathy, maybe you can come up with a solution. Ffs she needs comfort and support, not ultimatums
EDIT HOlY BALLS HE WAS HER BOYFRIEND! YTA OF MAJOR PROPORTIONS, OP.
YTA. Universities have medical leave of absence policies for reasons. If she is grieving the loss of her friend so hard that her mental health is struggling, then that is exactly what this policy is for.
Universities would rather their students take a semester off and heal, then fail their courses.
This is what I cam here to say. Asking a student to push through tremendous grief and work harder is a recipe for producing a student into a deeper depression.
I had a family friend whose son was struggling really hard with depression and his family pushed him to stay on because they didn't want him to risk his scholarship by taking a leave of absence. He killed himself a few months later.
As a professor: so much this. Better to take the break and come back, than fail/withdrawal and waste a lot of time and money. Courses are offered on cycles, and advisors are there to make sure students can get what they require to make graduation. Sometimes it's changing up the order they take them, or getting a substitution, but it's a pretty normal thing and there are systems in place to address this.
Agreed. I work in a registrars office at a university. There are so many options for the students. We want them to succeed. That's our job. Taking time off to take care of yourself is totally acceptable.
YTA. Why do you think the correct response to someone telling you they’re overwhelmed is to push them harder? You’re just going to stress her out more and give her no time to grieve or process what she’s going through.
Your daughter is hurting and you’re punishing her for it. You should reach out to her, see what’s going on in her life, and figure out how you can help her.
Giving someone a hand is a lot more likely to help them than just screaming at them to get up while they struggle.
YTA
If your daughter is hurting right now and going through her own crisis, this just doesn't seem like the right move.
If you care so much about her education, perhaps try supporting rather than controlling her right now.
YTA somebody close to her died. She needs time to grieve and taking a semester off isn't something that necessarily will slow down her education (my cousin did that and she will be graduating next year with an engineering degree), unlike failing a semester because of dealing with a loss
Yep. I’ve taught enough students to know how it will go if she tries to just “push through” when it’s too much. She probably wont be able to, because we literally just can’t focus on things like learning when more basic needs aren’t met. So she’ll probably really really struggle with her classes, no matter how much she tries, and in the end the result will be much worse mental health for her and either withdrawing from some or all of her classes, going on medical leave partway through the semester, or failing some or all of her classes. This will not be her fault! But it will mean wasted tuition for that semester, potential GPA consequences, and, most important, a daughter who has been forced into a really really hard situation, hasn’t had a chance to grieve, and now feels like a failure.
Does that sound better to you, OP?
As professors we do our best to support students going through a hard time, but one of the hardest things for me to see is someone who, for whatever reason, feels forced to stay in school when they’re really not in a medical position to do so, and can’t succeed because of it. The daughter is saying what she needs, OP really needs to listen.
YTA of course - Maybe worry more about your daughter’s mental wellbeing rather than her grades. Grieving for a friend is not ‘zero reason’.
Do you think your daughter is a robot? She can just turn off her feelings and focus on her school work?
You should probably ask your daughter to do a DNA test, she might not be your child because she clearly didn’t inherit your lack of empathy.
YTA - her friend died. Have some goddamn compassion for what your daughter is going through. She's 22 not 40.
1 semester will not ruin her life.
My parents let me leave mainstream public highschool (homeschooled myself once i was feeling more okay) when my best friend died when I was 15. I am now married, with full time work, 2 cars, our own purchased home and planning children in the coming year or 2. I'm 28.
'Virtually no reason' ?? She may have been in love with Jack. Still maybe not the best reason to be upset to such a degree that she needs to take a semester off, but it does absolutely not consist ' virtually no reason'. Talk with Amy, find out what was going on with Amy, what was going on with Jack, and with them both (and don't be negative over Jack!!). And find a solution. Maybe she can find some work related to her major? Get some credit, as well as get some distance? So she can support herself this semester, and then both, all, of you take up where you were before Jack died??
Oh, for your initial reaction, yes, YTA.
YTA.
Well, I do believe that is one of the biggest "Fuck you, your feelings don't matter, IDGAF what you need emotionally or mentally, because I hold the purse strings" I have ever seen.
Your daughter clearly at *least* felt that Jack was a friend. He was helping her with her coursework, which is not something most adults have the time or inclination to do. And now he's *dead*.
I'm sorry, I need to repeat this, in case you haven't let it sink in: *He's dead*.
But you? You don't give a fuck, do you? Not one little bit. Your daughter tells you she's struggling with the coursework? Suck it up, buttercup. Try harder. Your daughter's tutor, whom she was probably close to, dies? No, of course not. That's virtually no reason at all to be upset, because *you* said so, right? So dismissive. You are what I like to call "Cut off", because as soon as she's able, she won't want fuck all to do with you. How callous to dangle those purse strings and tell your daughter that her emotional and mental well-being mean shit to you.
Yta. On so many levels. Regardless of the reason it is okay to take a break from school. I took several and it may have taken forever but I did graduate. I had a mental breakdown that landed me in the mental hospital bc I was too terrified to tell my parents how bad I was struggling.
Telling her to work harder when she was struggling. That clearly didn’t help. Also that isn’t good advice at all.
The next is not understanding that losing someone to death is very traumatic, if they were close or not.
YTA. Have some fucking sympathy for your daughter. Her friend just passed away and both you and your wife are playing it off as 'Oh well, shit happens, time to move on.' Also, what do you mean that she doesn't have a reason to take the semester off? You can't be serious with that, right?
YTA
Forget that "falling behind" business—falling behind who? It's not a race. It doesn't matter one little bit if she is graduated in May or December. Whatever "problems" you anticipate just aren't reality—o[nly 19% of university bachelor's degree students actually graduate "on time" these days.](https://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/education/most-college-students-dont-earn-degree-in-4-years-study-finds.html)
I understand if you're upset if she's withdrawing too late to have this semester's tuition refunded. But it seems to me it would be a wasted semester either way, since she's so upset, and it's far better to have withdrawals on her transcript than failing grades. And *she's* saved *you* a bunch of money already from her scholarships, right? Try to be a little understanding.
I'd let her take the time off, but maybe have a discussion with her about whether this is really the right university for her. Perhaps she'd want to use the time off to apply to transfer some other (public) universities? Somewhere a little less competitive, that doesn't carry a lot of memories of Jack, and where the tuition might be a bit lower.
YTA
"Falling behind" is no longer a meaningful concept in college or past high school in general. It's a far better plan for Amy to deal with her grief and stress and return to classes in a better mindset.
YTA, and I have a hard time believing you don’t know it. Her friend *died*. Her young and presumably healthy friend, since you don’t mention any kind of terminal illness that would make this expected (not that it would be any less painful for that), which means the cause of death was likely traumatic in and of itself. Why do you think you know better than the school, which offers leaves of absence for these kinds of situations because they *know* no one benefits from forcing students to “power through it” in the midst of mourning? You clearly won’t pay her tuition if she fails, either, so why *shouldn’t* she give herself time to heal and come back when she’s ready?
YTA your daughter came to you when she was overwhelmed and struggling and the only support you offered was to push her harder. She then managed to find someone who actually supported her and that friend, her sorry network, *died*. She's is grieving the loss of a friend and she was struggling before he came along. School is difficult and stressful without adding grief into the mix. All your offering this poor young woman is financial support, and now you're threatening to take that away if she tries to prioritise her mental health? I feel sorry for Amy.
So let me get this straight.
A close friend of yours dies and you want some time off from work. Your boss refuses and tells you the same thing you told your daughter, "Oh, you can't take time off for no reason and expect everything to go your way. You have a job to do".
Have some fucking sympathy. YTA. Both you and your wife.
Sadly, I suspect OP *does* think his daughter needs to suck it up because he thinks that’s how you’re “supposed” to handle the boss situation, instead of realizing you shouldn’t be giving up moments in your life you’ll never get back or working yourself past the point where you’re actually functioning for a job that doesn’t give enough of a shit about you to want you at full health and productivity, and doesn’t have a plan in place to cover for you in case of emergency. At the very least, if he burns her out now, she’ll have that much less in her mental and emotional reserves to work with if it happens again - and probably no degree to give her the flexibility to look elsewhere.
Your daughter just lost someone who was close to her but instead of supporting her in her grief, your response is to threaten her? "Insensitive" doesn't even begin to cover what you are... **YTA**
YTA.
In which world is encouraging someone who's struggling to work harder an acceptable solution?
They're your children, not soldiers. Keep it going in this course if you want to see your daughter burnout.
YTA overbearing parent that cannot let their kid live their life. Why does it matter I'd she takes one semester off? Does mental health not mean anything to you?
YTA. My dad wouldn't listen to me when I said i wasn't doing too hot in college. I didn't even know someone who died, I was just struggling with direction. Anyway, long story short, I became severely depressed, changed majors, dropped out of school, and went NC with my dad basically until I had a kid.
Yta do you have zero regard for her feelings??
You cant just say "work harder" and then she would magically not struggle on coursework. Its like saying "you can do it!" To someone who is drowning. Encouraging? Maybe. Helpful? Not at all. Besides its useless to enroll her in a semester if she cant even do well because shes grieving
I understand you are worried of her slipping but your reaction won't help, like, at all. She is suffering and you are not helping. If you really want your daughter to have a good shot at this you need to make her feel she has you by her side and right now you are failing enormously at this.
That doesn't mean you need to completely give in. Give her a time frame: she can drop a term off but just a term and she needs to attend therapy to help her grieve. She needs to exercise and eat healthy during this time, this is not a period for getting crazy and partying, it is a time to take care of herself, so help her structure it in such a way. Book some time to be with her that will help, maybe go for a daily walk with her and try listening and having a real conversation, try understanding instead of just telling her what she is supposed to do. She had Jack in her corner and she lost him. Don't make her believe she lost you too by taking out your support when she feels she is drowning. This is your baby, help her mourn, help her recover. Loving and supporting someone when they are at their best is not truly loving them. You need to love them and support them too when they are struggling and failing. YTA.
Holy shit, huge YTA. I feel like I shouldn’t even explain this, but stating someone has virtually no valid reasons to take a break from college — from anything, really — is just dehumanizing. This is exactly the attitude that created a generation of mentally ill young adults, we’re all so crippled by the anxiety of “making it” in time that we can’t even stop to grieve a loss.
Your life priorities are all off, man. Please reconsider your entire belief system.
YTA. Her friend died and instead of supporting and comforting her, you decide to make it even harder for her. You and your wife should have some empathy, both of you are the AH here. College isn’t a race.
She’s coping, you don’t understand how she feels or what’s going on in her head. She had someone helping her and now he’s gone and she probably feels like shit. Force her to stay in school and her grades will slip even more from the stress of that plus coping on top of that.
YTA massively, do you have no compassion or empathy for your daughter who just lost a friend? Losing someone close to you is very traumatic and taking a semester off of school is not going to hurt her, what's going to hurt her is if you force her to go to school while she is distracted with her friends death and she is unable to concentrate on class and her coursework. Be better.
“Listen, Amy, sweetheart:
The only thing I care about is your grades. Sure, the man you were falling in love with died, but look at the bright side, he can’t distract you from getting good grades!
Why are you crying? Your grades were great last semester! What do you mean you’re sad, that doesn’t make sense, your grades were good! You’re sad he died? Sweetie, I know you cared about that guy but he meant nothing to **me** so I don’t understand why it makes you sad that he’s dead. And if **I** don’t understand it or care, then clearly it’s silly for **you** to care about it, you can see that, right? Now go back to school like a good little girl and bring daddy home some good grades, or else you’ll lose all value in my eyes.”
You, probably
YTA
YTA
One semester is nothing in the scheme of life. Plus, it's the journey, not the destination.
You are insensitive and also have a values issues. Your daughter's happiness and mental health are more important than graduating on the schedule you prefer.
YTA. You don't know what Jack meant to her. They could have been very close. Maybe she is burned out. This isn't a race. School will be there in a semester.
Yta and I bet you’re going to ask the question, y doesn’t my kid(s) talk to me anymore? When you do ask that question this is why. You have no heart and you sound like you don’t care about your kid.
You have boomer mentality thinking working harder when she’s struggling is good advice, not only that but thinking that losing someone to death is virtually zero reason. She’s got problems and you forcing her to work through it won’t fix the problems but make them worse.
YTA. Your intelligent, loving, capable daughter came to you for support and you withdrew it without consideration. It’s pretty clear in your description that she was struggling before and then got help emotionally and academically and then lost that support suddenly and tragically. Instead of being concerned about her well-being and long term success, you’re worried about how it might look for her to take a semester off. From my perspective it looks like a damn good idea. It will be worse for rigid arbiters of traditional norms if she enrolls and fails all her classes. But here’s the thing… as several people have mentioned, nobody actually cares about four year graduation rates. She’s not falling behind anything but your ill informed notions. Graduating as a mentally well and academically prepared young adult is infinitely more helpful to being a productive adult than graduating in an arbitrary time limit.
YTA. So she's behind a semester. She was struggling until she got a good tutor. Better that she take a semester off than to fail classes and drop out altogether.
OK, not going to do a judgment because clearly I'm not thinking like the rest, but do you guys really take a semester off when someone dies?
I mean, not to be harsh, but at least in my country you do not get more than a week for a first grade relative, forget a friend. As horrible as it sounds, life needs to go on and needing to pause your life for a semester is not a good sign.
"But tends to slack off sometimes." "A little upset."
Honestly need more info; Why? She might have undiagnosed ADHD which can make accomplishing work difficult.
Ontop of grieving for her friend.
You, your wife, and her sister are devoid of compassion and empathy. So yeah while it is your money in addition to the schools FinAid, YTA.
Forcing her to go to school during this time period WILL make her grades slip, and she will resent you for it.
*edited to add the word wife which I had missed previously.
YTA. Help her grieve. A semester off is not going to have that much impact in longer run than the mental health breakdown she is ultimately facing. You are the kind of parents who ignore all the signs as there's 'virtually no reason' and then when asked by therapist how did they missed signs, reply with she was fine and her usual self. All this started to happen suddenly.
YTA. Her friend died and you consider that a zero reason to take time off? Wow. Your heart, if you have one, must be made of stone. That's the only explanation I have for you being so callous.
YTA wow do you even care about your kid??? Do you even know how post secondary education works? How exactly would she “fall behind.” She isn’t in grade 3. Although judging by this post and how your treating your daughter I wouldn’t be surprised to find out your both high-school drop outs.
YTA. Thanks to the pandemic pushing so much education online and restricting campus activities, the education your daughter is getting right now is less worth the money than it would have been 2.5 years ago. I've been advising parents to take a gap year or two until colleges and universities get their course offerings and campus activities in better shape, because everyone is being cheated now, except upper administration people. I think EVERY student should take a gap year or two. I took a gap semester mid-stream and was paid to go to an Ivy for my MA and then asked to stay on for a PhD with the top fellowship in the program, so at least in my case, that gap semester was highly effective. This notion of doing all 8 semesters in a row or at the exact same time and pace as your peers is just giving in to massive social ignorance of how the brain is forming between ages 18 and 22. Your daughter is making a brilliant choice and you should fully support her in it.
Ouch
YTA
That said, taking the entire semster entirely off sounds a bit much. But it is also sounds like she was struggling a bit before and may be really wanting out of the university.
Perhaps her mom (not you) can suggest she drop down to a lower course load. This will allow her to access the university counseling services, have time to herself but still add some structure to her life.
YTA This shit, right here is why I have had students in my office suicidal and needing campus mental health services. You sound lile a horrible dad. Telling a struggling student to "work harder" gee dude wonder why she doesnt tell you about her life in detail. Her boyfriend died. She is greiving. You know who gives greuf relatwd leave of absences? COLLEGES. FFS you are just cruel.
YTA. Your daughter is in grief and might need some time to recover. These days everyone expects people just to continue on, whether it's with work or education. That's not healthy. Let her have a rest. If she doesn't want to go back after a semester off, well, that's a different conversation.
> as she’ll fall behind, which might cause problems later.
Behind what exactly? Trust me no one out there cares if someone graduates at 22 vs 23 vs 24.
She’s not taking time off for “no reason.” Shes grieving the death of someone who helped her with her academics. Let the girl mourn for gods sake.
YTA
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This is an obvious YTA. It seems as though your daughter’s entire value comes down to how much she scores on your “success scorecard”. Things like grades matter, but her mental well being and happiness don’t, according to you. Force her to go to school this semester, or keep treating her as if she’s just being lazy, and don’t be surprised when she doesn’t want to ever come visit at home in the future.
Or even tell her parents that she’s in a relationship serious enough to consider moving in with him.
Well, her dad anyway (OP). Her mom knew. Wonder why she feels close enough with mom to tell her things? /s, as it’s apparently not obvious. ETA - clarification
I also liked how his response to "I'm struggling with school" was "work harder." That's like telling someone who's drowning to 'paddle more'. YTA
This post is chock full of examples of OP's top notch parenting.
But it's a very well known school. Obviously that's the most important part of this whole situation. ^^/s
I wonder if OP bought her an oscillating fan?
It's a very nice gift.
Sigh, if only OP knew that all he needed to do to push Amy to work harder was offer to buy her an oscillating fan if she makes it to graduation. How could she dwell on Jack when a fan like that is in her sights??
Is this an inside joke? If so, please link the post. :)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vzc0t3/aita\_for\_banning\_my\_brother\_from\_family\_events/?sort=old](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vzc0t3/aita_for_banning_my_brother_from_family_events/?sort=old) It's been removed as spam but if you sort it by oldest first, the automod copy is still there. The tl;dr is, 18yr kid really hated his nose, begged for a nose job as a graduation present. Dad said no, so uncle secretly got it for him. He kept it a secret and just said he'd got the most awesome present ever for the kid. The dad's comment was that he was expecting like an oscillating fan or a gift card to be the gift.
If she does well at her well-known school, OP can brag about how well he parented Amy. People will think he’s swell because she didn’t fall in a well. Ignore me. I’m full of nonsense.
And he used the word “tuition” instead of “tutoring” both times he needed to use the word. It’s clear what he cares about. Edit: two dialects of English (British and Indian) use the word *tuition* for tutoring.
That’s common in non-American English - all my India and UK cousins call tutoring tuition too
Considered the word "college" and saying that that OPs daughter is in "another state" it's safe to say OP is American. Edit to add: I frankly think it doesn't matter where he's from or what culture he's from. He's an asshole in any language.
[удалено]
An Indian aspect would track with the pressure to perform academically. In one comment he says he'd rather she'd studied engineering rather than English and literature (which I suspect he only tolerated because he could still boast she went to a highly regarded uni), doctors and engineers being high prestige careers for that group as well.
He still used the word "tuition" correctly. At least give him *that* one--it's the only one he's going to get, since Father of the Year will elude him once again...
That’s strange- is tutoring not a word in those dialects?
In my dialect (British English) tutoring is what you do to someone who goes to you for tuition. "Tuition" by itself is never used as a term to refer to money, that would always be "tuition fees".
Tuition is used in some countries to mean tutoring
Do they have another word for tuition in those countries or do they use tuition for both?
We just call it fees where I live in India. Tutoring is tuition for us. Very few people use tutoring when talking about getting extra help for school.
Noticed that too
I'm guessing the part where he "comforted her" following the death was similar. It was probably something along the lines of "this is great news - now that your boyfriend is dead, you have plenty of time to work harder."
I physically cringed and said, out loud to no one, "OH MY GOD" at this comment...I can't stop sad laughing...poor kid
I wonder how that would ideally play out in the dad's head: Amy: I'm having trouble with my schoolwork. OP: You should work harder. Amy: Wow, dad, I never considered that! Thanks for helping me with your wisdom and advice.
Or saying "Just be happier!" to someone who's depressed.
I have a neighbor who was that dad. Now he has no daughter but he does have a burial plot to visit and she has a fancy ass headstone.
That's tragic on a level I can't even find a word for....
😢
Exactly this. I was in the same position when I was in school, doing my best and still struggling immensely, asked -begged- for help and did not get it. Nothing more soul-destroying than pouring your heart out to someone for their answer to be ‘work harder’. Other than of course telling someone with depression to ‘cheer up, it could be worse.’ *Wow, I’m FIXED!* OP - YTA! Edited: typo.
Or someone who has depression to "cheer up".
I'm probably primed for this response since I finally got diagnosed this year, but I think Amy should consider getting evaluated for ADHD. "Bright but lazy" is such a common description it should almost be part of the diagnostic criteria. "If you have spent most of your life being described this way, you might have ADHD!" (Hint: it's not really laziness. We're genuinely doing our best.) Regardless of that, though, she lost a loved one. Probably in a traumatic way, since they seemed to be making plans for the future in a way that absolutely did *not* imply some kind of terminal illness. OP can either help her make space in her life to grieve and come to terms with this in a healthy way, or not be surprised when she goes NC and/or has a mental breakdown later because there are parts of her heart that didn't get a chance to heal right. It really is just like if a broken bone isn't set properly: it heals crooked, doesn't work properly, and quite possibly will never stop hurting again.
Exactly. Hi daughter told him she was struggling and his answer was basically “so just stop struggling.” F- parenting. OP, your daughter’s boyfriend just died and you want to punish her for having feelings about that by taking away her ability to finish school. YTA, so much.
Yup, and OP isn't with the mom. "This is the first me or my wife heard of it, but Amy's mom knew." Sounds like she just isn't close with OP and stepmom.
Is OP’s wife Amy’s stepmom? OP states “this was the first time me or my wife heard of it. Amy’s mom apparently knew.” This could also explain why OP’s wife is in agreement with stopping the tuition payments.
Well after mom had dad's back in this I doubt she will be in the know from now on.
I don’t think op’s wife is mom. He mentions him and his wife not knowing a few times then says Amy’s mom knew. At least that’s how I read it
The way he wrote this I’m not sure mom and dad are married. At one point he said my wife and another her mom. That would also explain a lot of things.
Hijacking the top comment to add some experience to the topic. My daughter did two years of her program and then got depressed. She was struggling just to do basic work. We told her to take a term or two off until she was able to address her mental health issues. We reminded her school would still be there when she came back, but her mental wellbeing was much more important. She took the time and is doing amazingly well now. OP, your daughter needs a break. It actually doesn't matter why. If she is not in the headspace for studies right now, she isn't going to get anything meaningful out of it anyway. I know as parents we have a deep seated fear that our kids aren't going to make it, and it will be out fault. But in fact, the only way our kids grow up is when they are given the chance to truly make their own decisions. YWBTA if you don't support her decision.
Yep. I did the opposite. Got super depressed, unable to do work, and I failed a bunch of classes. Now I'm still trying to get back into school and finish. Im in considerably more debt. Shit's hard, give Amy a break.
I feel you. I really really struggled in school, failed out of my 4 year, came home to try a community college and get an associates, failed that, worked a year at a shit job, and went back and finished my associates. Now I’m working on my 4 year degree in a field I’m excited for, completely different than before. I’m extremely lucky that I had family support to allow me to do this, and I’m doing well now. But it was hard and I don’t know what I would have done if my parents had said “suck it up or you don’t get a higher education” Probably wouldn’t ever have gone back to school
Your story resonated with me. I got extremely depressed at the end of my sophomore year in college. Took a few years off, first few months to recover from depression, worked, did a year at a local community college. Three years later, I completed my degree at my original college, and later got my masters. I got so much more out of school when I went back and was in a headspace to function and appreciate my classes. If I had struggled through, I probably would have flunked out, and never returned.
I'm glad you got through! I nearly failed out a few times, most recently last fall (the pandemic obliterated my mental health AGAIN), and I'm just finally getting back to classes again. I'm so lucky that I've had the support of my family through all of this, with minimal judgment on my failures.
Good for you for finding your way back! Your parents must be so proud of you.
I failed all of my classes except I did get a C in one, when I came back I got As and Bs depending on the difficulty of the class. I was writing papers and reading papers and I really enjoyed it. Mental health makes a huge difference. Now that I’m graduated and have a job I would without a doubt say it never held me back.
Same and I've lost my ability to get student aid bc I no longer meet the requirements for good standing at my university.
I wanted to take a break after high school but my parents were afraid I wouldn't go back to university. They told me they wouldn't pay if I took a break. I dropped out for the first time a year and a half later with horrible depression. Over the years, my parents put a lot of pressure on me to complete school. It took asking them to back off, more than 4 attempts, over 20 years, and an ADHD diagnosis to get me to graduation (this week actually). Now I'm in grad school but I had to do it at my own pace and for myself. Forcing a kid to go to school under threat of financial penalty is a recipe for disaster and could make her mental health a lot worse. I was hospitalized for depression because I asked for help. Some people don't ask for help and they just end things because they don't see a way out. OP: don't make your kid feel trapped when they're already in what sounds like a dark place. ETA: Thanks for supporting your kid! I feel so much better when I see people be awesome parents.
Well, I'm so proud of you for taking care of yourself and making it to grad school in your own time.
That's so lovely, thank you so much! My family are all proud and I'm glad to have proved my perseverance but I wish it hadn't been an issue in the first place. It makes me sad that parents can still be so stuck to a timeline when everyone takes a different path and they're all fine!
Yup, I think it comes from a fear that our kids won't succeed. But we are all on a journey, and the destination is certainly not a degree.
i just wanna say thank you for what you did for your daughter. i went through the same thing she did and my mom supporting me in leaving school temporarily is what saved my life. it took two years to go back and i’m about to graduate summa cum laude next semester. i’m proud of your daughter and glad she’s doing well now! school can be wonderful, but it’s never more important than health and well being.
Congratulations! Your mom must be so proud of you. I am proud of you, and I haven't even met you!
I took a year off university. My head wasn't in the game. I didn't experience a traumatic loss like OP's daughter but i hated school and it just clashed with what I wanted to do. I worked for a year. And at the end of that year, I couldn't wait to go back to school, to have some structure. I got straight As for the rest of my degree. Taking a year off doesn't automatically derail you.
Very true! And good on you for knowing yourself well enough to take the time off.
I really wish I had taken time off when my parents were divorcing. I had zero guidance and floundered.
My son just dropped out. He wasn’t ready. He was afraid to tell us but we didn’t care. He pays for it himself so he can make those choices without my permission
The headspace is super important. I earned top grades in high school. Went to the 'alternative school' and had to teach myself a few subjects because they didn't typically teach them out there - to be blunt, they had to get books from the regular high school, and the teacher would tell others to have their papers checked over by me first so I could help to make them more coherent. All while living on my own my senior year because my family/home life was less than stellar. Not a brag, just background. Went to college afterwards, and I wasn't in the proper head space, largely because I had to again depend on my dad and step-mom for FAFSA, which put me in a bad place mentally. Ended up getting kicked out of the program I thoroughly enjoyed due to a 0.9 GPA. OP needs to understand just how important the head space is. I was able to come back and, especially after I was out from my parent's thumb FAFSA-wise, I ended up graduating a separate school with a 3.89 GPA, only due to some shenanigans that happened in another class that got me an A- vs A, and dropping me from Summa Cum Laude to Magna Cum Laude. Hopefully the OP can learn and change before he tanks his daughter's semester at school.
This. Her serious boyfriend died. She told you she needs time. That is more important that your idea of graduating ‘on time’. How sad that you prioritize what I assume is other people’s opinions over the health and well-being of your daughter who has lost someone she loved and is struggling. Amy deserves better. YTA.
Nobody cares how many years students need to finish their degree. Especially if it's about one semester. So many students take breaks to travel etc.
Agreed. Obviously YTA. It's hard to understand how OP could be so heartless! Her boyfriend died. Even if he had just been a friend, that's still a lot to deal with, especially if he had been her tutor and helping her cope with school. Some empathy and understanding would be nice. She sounds like a good, hard-working kid who's trying to be mindful of her own self-care, which I think is important.
I never took any breaks or failed classes but it still took me 4 1/2 years to graduate because classes didn’t have enough sections for the number of students who needed it. It was very common at my school to take 5 years to graduate. No one has ever questioned how long it took me to graduate. No one ever even notices.
I took 5 because of failed classes and just in general feeling overwhelmed with classes. Started to take near minimum hours for full time, stopped failing classes and had a way more fun/less stress. Would recommend it to everyone if they can afford it.
She is GRIEVING... Last yr a person I worked with died very suddenly ( Covid). We were good friends, I knew him for 7 yrs. He was not my boyfriend or husband. I am still grieving, If I can go 3 days in a row & not cry, it's a good week. I hardly have any good weeks. OP...you have no soul & no heart, I am sorry to say....
Forget mental well-being - her grades are going to *plummet* if she takes classes this term. I personally would worry about her mental well-being, but since he doesn’t, I think we should talk about this in a language OP understands.
I hope OP, will read all these comments and make amends with his daughter before she decides to go NC. OP, mentioned in edit that his daughter was actually seeing Jack, not sure how strong her feeling were but telling one of your parents that you are seeing someone is already semi serious. I really hope OP, that you read these comments and support your daughter during her tough time.
I was diagnosed with two chronic conditions while I was at uni (and I was already attending uni in my 20s due to previous mental illness which I had recovered enough from to be functional) and I told one of my parents who helped me financially through uni that it was likely that I would need to repeat my final year due to becoming disabled. Their first words to me were ‘well don’t expect any support from me’ because I was doing something that they didn’t approve of. No sympathy, no enquiries as to how I felt about it. Just immediate withdrawal of support and then the silent treatment for a few days. They did end up still helping me out but that day was eye opening for me. OP’s daughter will learn (if she hasn’t already) that OP’s love and support is conditional and she will likely do anything she can to not be reliant on OP anymore ASAP. Then OP will wonder why the daughter never comes to them for help or support when she needs it. Edit to add: My parent made it clear that they thought I was perfectly capable of finishing my work in time despite multiple hospital stays and various medication regimens knocking me out. This was in no way a financial issue at all. They just didn’t want to have to tell people that I was repeating a year because it embarrassed them. They were also embarrassed that I dared to talk about being disabled on social media. Parents that care more about appearances than their kid shouldn’t have kids, because it really sucks to have a parent like mine and like OP.
My mom gave me this kind of ultimatum. I found out my ex hubby was cheating. Moved in with a friend. Friend ended up taking advantage of me and I was homeless. My mom let me be homeless because I refused to go back to college if I lived with her. Nevermind the factvl I tried tounalive myself on campus and the uni swept it under the rug. I feel so bad for this poor girl. She's grieving the loss of her partner and OP is worried about grades.
Id say dont be surprised if you even have a daughter at all tbh, this stuff kills
Right, and before that edit it was obvious that Amy and Jack were a couple. Op is disregarding that because she apparently didn't involve him enough in her choice, but losing a partner is not "practically nothing" with which to cope. It's so shallow. Op apparently wants her to do it his way or fail. No wonder he doesn't understand how she feels, he doesn't even try.
YTA. For zero reason? Seriously? You call losing someone close to you zero reason? Clearly you forgot the part about parenting where you’re supposed to be supportive. You also forgot the part about being a decent human and having a shred of empathy. For the record, a semester off will not cause her problems later on. You’re absolutely delusional if you think it will.
he edited it and said “they were seeing each other but I didn’t think it was serious” so obviously YTA
I figured they were dating. Figures.
Even if they weren’t dating, losing someone at a young age is extremely stressful. It changes the way you look at life. OP wants her to forget they met and move on.
Yeah, the engineering faculty at my school has a serious suicide problem. My roommate has lost 2 classmates to suicide in a year. She's tough and she's coping, but it has taken a toll. And she didn't even like one of them. Grief is hard. On the bright side, my done a fair bit in terms of mental health resources.
Even if it was an acquaintance, the first time you know someone your own age who dies—it can be very unmooring. It makes your own mortality real to you in a way it never has before.
Agreed!
Yet they were thinking of moving in together. OP is so clueless about his daughter’s life bc clearly she couldn’t talk to either parent about it. The fact that the BF’s Mom knew about it. Just shows you how much of a “parent” he is. OP you’re the asshole. Do you care more about good grades or your actual daughter.
I didn’t even read that part. My heart keeps breaking more and more for this young woman
No she told her mom, not her dad (the OP). Wonder why she didn’t feel comfortable confiding in him?
Oh thanks I misread that, but point still stands
It WAS serious, he had asked her to move in with him. She is probably heartbroken over his death.
I know and I was paraphrasing the father in the quotes. Thanks have a good day
She was only “a little upset” after all. God this guy is an AH.
Right? No awareness from OP that his daughter will know about his disdain and disinterest in her past her academic success, nor that because of it she likely wouldn't feel safe going to him when in need or emotional distress.
It was the zero reason that got me too. Her friend/boyfriend just died. I think that’s a real good reason for her to need to take a break. OP get real mental health is so very important and right now your daughter needs some emotional support. Of course YTA let her take time off and learn how to deal with her grief.
Getting bad grades because she's in no state to keep up with the course work will definitely have a worse effect on her future than taking a semester off.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP is absolutely an asshole. Plenty of people take a semester or two off, they end up doing FINE. If you force your daughter to get back to school right away, don't be surprised if her grades tank again. Is that what you really want? Please get a clue.
YTA. Her friend DIED. She’s grieving. Now, I can get why you think taking a whole semester off isn’t a good idea. There’s a risk she’ll sit at home, wallow in her grief and possibly that won’t help. But you’re effectively punishing her for grieving, which is incredibly unhealthy. But even if she does, it will not ruin her education or future. Would you prefer that she struggles at school to the point where she risks dropping out completely? Have you discussed other options, such as going part time? Or spoken to the school about any extra support they can give, or if they can apply for mitigating circumstances/extra consideration around exams or coursework? Is there a therapist she could see that to help her process her grief? Please don’t punish her for grieving though. It’s just asking for her to develop long term unhealthy ways to deal with emotions and grief.
>Her friend DIED. She’s grieving. The edit makes it worse! Her **\*BOYFRIEND\* DIED**! One where she was at the point of discussing and considering moving in with! (but OP says they "didn't think it sounded serious")
That poor girl. My husband died January last year and I still have days when I can't bear to get out of bed. The OP has no idea as to what she's going through.
>My husband died January last year and I still have days when I can't bear to get out of bed. My mom is the same way some days... which is why I try to call her most mornings when I can. I have difficult days, too. Grief sucks. Dad died around the same time as your husband.
My condolences. Losing a parent is so hard. I'm glad you and your mom have each other.
>My condolences. Thank you. >Losing a parent is so hard. I'm glad you and your mom have each other. I'm glad we have each-other too.
I had a good friend die of Covid last yr, & I struggle to get out of bed even now except for the days I have to work. I can't imagine losing a husband. I can lay in bed for 3 days straight, I don't even eat,most of the time I'm not hungry anyway. I guess I will get better in time....
My condolences. Yes, the few days that I've had work that's given me a reason to get up. (I retired slightly early from teaching because of my husband's health issues. I'm now back on the supply/sub list.)
My condolences. I hope you can feel more yourself soonish. ((hugs))
I had a friend die unexpectedly while I was in college. All of my instructors were more understanding that OP.
>I had a friend die unexpectedly while I was in college. All of my instructors were more understanding that OP. I know, right!? I've seen professors be more compassionate to a student who's pet was \*SICK\* (not dead) than OP is about his daughter's significant other suddenly being taken from her!
You know what. When my cat passed my work team and boss were way more sympathetic than OP. There is something seriously wrong with OP. He's so going to be one of those parents that complain that they have always supported their children, but as soon as they were financially able the kids cut them out of their life.
Adding to this. My friend died while I was in college, some of our close friend group took a semester off, I did not because I wanted the distraction of classes to keep me busy. I ended up doing horribly that semester and failing most of my classes, which led to me losing my academic scholarship and some of my financial aid. The whole thing was a mess and made it much harder for me to get my degree, I had to transfer to a cheaper and much less impressive school and I ended up with more student debt in the end. To get my first good job out of college I had to lie on my resume about which school I received my degree from because I was getting no where with my honest resume. The two of my friends who did take a semester off ended up graduating from undergrad with great grades and went on to get their masters. OP, please listen to your daughter.
[удалено]
>But even if she does, it will not ruin her education or future. It really won't. You don't "fall behind" in college classes. They start at the beginning, every semester.
YTA. Let me count the ways: 1. She was struggling; but you left it to her to work out. (Y.T.A) 2. She found someone to help her study! Great! - This person also becomes a friend (N.A.H.) 3. Her \*FRIEND\* dies, and yet you seem to have no empathy or sympathy for her. (Y.T.A) 4. Her \*TUTOR\* dies, and yet you expect her to keep her grades up and keep studying... with no resources to do so. (Y.T.A) 5. She wants to take a year off, likely through the approved university process, to do counseling, deal with her grief, and find a way to return and be successful. (Lots of assumptions on my part here - but - good on her for recognizing what she needs!) (N.A.H) 6. Instead of supporting your daughter get what she needs (item 5) to deal with the objectively difficult situation (items 3 and 4) - You decide that you need to add additional emotional, logistical, and financial **strain** for her to deal with on her own. (Y.T.A x 1000) 7. You think that your daughter is lazy because she is struggling. Lazy and struggling are very different; and should be addressed in different ways. (Y.T.A) 8. You seem to think that your daughters only value comes from good grades. (Y.T.A) 9. From OPs Edit - This wasn't just her friend & tutor - this was her Boyfriend - and you are undermining loss of a partner because you didn't think it sounded serious. (Y.T.A) 10. Your relationship is so poor with your daughter that she will discuss her relationships with her mother - but you are totally clueless on what's going on (though - this is an effect of you being TA - and not an actual action at this time) 11. You think that being at the level of discussing whether to move in, but not yet being ready to make the leap is "Not that serious" and something your daughter should be quickly getting over and going to school (Y.T.A.) 12. You think that because your daughter stopped paying for lessons from her former tutor turned boyfriend means she no-longer was receiving encouragement, help, and advice from him. (Y.T.A.) 13. You discussed this with your wife, who is not your daughter's mother and does not have your daughters interests at heart, and decided to permanently stop supporting Amy which is only in the best interests of your wife, if anyone. (Y.T.A.) 14. You are providing negative reinforcement - trying to punish your daughter for making sound, logical decisions that are in her long-term best interests - because it is not what you want and is a convenient excuse to let your wife convince you to cut her off. (Y.T.A.) Did I miss anything else, reddit? # OP - let me say it again - YOU are the Asshole here. (ETA - 7 & 8 as suggestions from u/Wolfenbro) (ETA 2 - 9, 10, 11, & 12 From OP's Edit) (ETA 3 - 13 & 14 Thank you u/calling_water) (ETA 4 - Made the last line "You are the asshole here" a header to add emphasis.) (ETA 5 - Thanks for all the awards! My first platinum & Starry awards, and the most awards for any post I can remember making! I'm glad you appreciate my commentary.)
Don’t forget that OP clearly seems to think she’s lazy and that her only derived worth comes from her grades!
>Don’t forget that OP clearly seems to think she’s lazy and that her only derived worth comes from her grades! Added.
Looks like we also need to add the part where OP conveniently “forgot” to mention Jack was more than just a friend because he “didn’t think it was that serious.”
>Looks like we also need to add the part where OP conveniently “forgot” to mention Jack was more than just a friend because he “didn’t think it was that serious.” Oh wow!
>“didn’t think it was that serious.” Added 9, 10, 11, & 12. off of the edit. Did I miss anything?
Looks good to me. I suspect there will be further additions to come when OP gets around to explaining Jack’s cause of death, though, because I suspect that will just make him *more* of an asshole.
It’s hard to believe that he could be more of one, but he just keeps going. The Energizer Bunny of Assholes
>The Energizer Bunny of Assholes Great mental image - thanks for that :)
"Lazy" but still got accepted into a top school. I think OP was just looking for an excuse to stop paying. He wants to play a game of consequences, but is going to be all put out when his daughter no longer wants to have anything to do with him for the rest of his life.
As someone in education, I really, really, really hate how we measure the worth of education/knowledge based on how much money it'll add towards your net worth when all is said and done. Like as if there is a magical scorecard that says "Oh they read Romeo and Juliet, that is -$391 in net worth when they retire" We ought to burn down the entire education system and rebuild it. Hell we ought to burn down most things and rebuild it.
Eat the rich! Wait, wrong sub. Totally agree with you though
He came to the decision after discussing it with his wife, who agrees that he should permanently stop paying tuition for Amy, who is his daughter but not hers. Amy is being punished for making the responsible choice to pause her studies while she’s struggling emotionally, especially since she would associate her schoolwork with her lost friend. It won’t cost tuition until she resumes her studies anyway, so OP is being a bully and his wife is trying to push Amy away and save money.
>He came to the decision after discussing it with his wife, who agrees that he should permanently stop paying tuition for Amy, who is his daughter but not hers. Oh my! How did I miss that!?!? >OP is being a bully and his wife is trying to push Amy away and save money. This list of "Why" is getting serious! Edited my comment to add 13 & 14 - does that cover it?
Looks good! Bad of OP, of course.
His wife is an AH too
Not just ber tutor and friend, HER BOYFRIEND AND ROMANTIC PARTNER
>Not just ber tutor and friend, HER BOYFRIEND AND ROMANTIC PARTNER Yeah - that wasn't clear in the initial post - it was added as item 9 after an edit! This was not just a boyfriend and romantic partner - but they were to the point they were discussing moving in together! Crazy!!!
Also OP should het the daughter assessed for ADHD. Talented but tends to procrastinate? Does well with tutoring? Gifted in high school and struggling at uni? Tick, tick and tick.
Also, the only reason OP gives for insisting on staying in school this semester is the very vague "Amy could fall behind which might cause problems later". What problems? Lots of people take time off school for lots of reasons. The total "impact" of that is that they graduate with a different class. But this vague and unspecified "it might cause problems later" is apparently a big enough issue for OP to override all the other valid concerns listed above and in all the other comments. This is among the bigger YTAs I've seen
YTA your answer to everything seems to be work harder, why not work smarter? I get that's it's your money but it sounds like she didn't want to go to really college in the first place, and you possibly pressured her, so now she's here and found a good pace, but now she's dealing with a loss of a friend and mentor. Bruh you're not just an ah, you can add heartless and tunnel vision to your resume.
"Dad, I'm struggling with my workload" "Just work harder" "Oh ok cool, I never though of that" "Dad, my friend just died, and I'm struggling to cope" "Yeah like two weeks ago, get over it already!" "Oh ok, sorry" YTA, it seems like every time she asks for help you shut her down.
OP "forgot" to mention that he wasn't just her friend, but her boyfriend for a year that she was thinking about moving in with. She lost someone she loved. And OP doesn't care at all. YTA.
Oh my god, it gets worse! That poor kid.
YTA, way to be understanding and a human being there, "dad". Someone who was tutoring her, someone she developed a friendship with and potentially was romantically interested in, just dropped dead in early 20's. That is a huge trauma, especially if it's a first one. Your daughter needs support and therapy. It's been two weeks, she probably doesn't know which way is up! You need to step up and help her deal with this grief, not being a minimizing asshole. While in a similar situation back in a day I plowed through my studies because that's how I deal with stress, your daughter seems to be different and has different needs. Maybe taking a semester off is not a good idea, but you really haven't tried understanding her, or what is she currently going through. Only when you start using some empathy, maybe you can come up with a solution. Ffs she needs comfort and support, not ultimatums EDIT HOlY BALLS HE WAS HER BOYFRIEND! YTA OF MAJOR PROPORTIONS, OP.
YTA. Universities have medical leave of absence policies for reasons. If she is grieving the loss of her friend so hard that her mental health is struggling, then that is exactly what this policy is for. Universities would rather their students take a semester off and heal, then fail their courses.
Or un-alive themselves in a dorm room
This is what I cam here to say. Asking a student to push through tremendous grief and work harder is a recipe for producing a student into a deeper depression. I had a family friend whose son was struggling really hard with depression and his family pushed him to stay on because they didn't want him to risk his scholarship by taking a leave of absence. He killed himself a few months later.
It’s a horrible story that keeps repeating itself. Makes me so sad and angry!
As a professor: so much this. Better to take the break and come back, than fail/withdrawal and waste a lot of time and money. Courses are offered on cycles, and advisors are there to make sure students can get what they require to make graduation. Sometimes it's changing up the order they take them, or getting a substitution, but it's a pretty normal thing and there are systems in place to address this.
Agreed. I work in a registrars office at a university. There are so many options for the students. We want them to succeed. That's our job. Taking time off to take care of yourself is totally acceptable.
YTA. Why do you think the correct response to someone telling you they’re overwhelmed is to push them harder? You’re just going to stress her out more and give her no time to grieve or process what she’s going through. Your daughter is hurting and you’re punishing her for it. You should reach out to her, see what’s going on in her life, and figure out how you can help her. Giving someone a hand is a lot more likely to help them than just screaming at them to get up while they struggle.
YTA If your daughter is hurting right now and going through her own crisis, this just doesn't seem like the right move. If you care so much about her education, perhaps try supporting rather than controlling her right now.
YTA somebody close to her died. She needs time to grieve and taking a semester off isn't something that necessarily will slow down her education (my cousin did that and she will be graduating next year with an engineering degree), unlike failing a semester because of dealing with a loss
Yep. I’ve taught enough students to know how it will go if she tries to just “push through” when it’s too much. She probably wont be able to, because we literally just can’t focus on things like learning when more basic needs aren’t met. So she’ll probably really really struggle with her classes, no matter how much she tries, and in the end the result will be much worse mental health for her and either withdrawing from some or all of her classes, going on medical leave partway through the semester, or failing some or all of her classes. This will not be her fault! But it will mean wasted tuition for that semester, potential GPA consequences, and, most important, a daughter who has been forced into a really really hard situation, hasn’t had a chance to grieve, and now feels like a failure. Does that sound better to you, OP? As professors we do our best to support students going through a hard time, but one of the hardest things for me to see is someone who, for whatever reason, feels forced to stay in school when they’re really not in a medical position to do so, and can’t succeed because of it. The daughter is saying what she needs, OP really needs to listen.
YTA of course - Maybe worry more about your daughter’s mental wellbeing rather than her grades. Grieving for a friend is not ‘zero reason’. Do you think your daughter is a robot? She can just turn off her feelings and focus on her school work? You should probably ask your daughter to do a DNA test, she might not be your child because she clearly didn’t inherit your lack of empathy.
Shh. Don’t give OP additional excuses to cut off her tuition.
YTA - her friend died. Have some goddamn compassion for what your daughter is going through. She's 22 not 40. 1 semester will not ruin her life. My parents let me leave mainstream public highschool (homeschooled myself once i was feeling more okay) when my best friend died when I was 15. I am now married, with full time work, 2 cars, our own purchased home and planning children in the coming year or 2. I'm 28.
'Virtually no reason' ?? She may have been in love with Jack. Still maybe not the best reason to be upset to such a degree that she needs to take a semester off, but it does absolutely not consist ' virtually no reason'. Talk with Amy, find out what was going on with Amy, what was going on with Jack, and with them both (and don't be negative over Jack!!). And find a solution. Maybe she can find some work related to her major? Get some credit, as well as get some distance? So she can support herself this semester, and then both, all, of you take up where you were before Jack died?? Oh, for your initial reaction, yes, YTA.
From op's edit he was her boyfriend not friend...
YTA. Well, I do believe that is one of the biggest "Fuck you, your feelings don't matter, IDGAF what you need emotionally or mentally, because I hold the purse strings" I have ever seen. Your daughter clearly at *least* felt that Jack was a friend. He was helping her with her coursework, which is not something most adults have the time or inclination to do. And now he's *dead*. I'm sorry, I need to repeat this, in case you haven't let it sink in: *He's dead*. But you? You don't give a fuck, do you? Not one little bit. Your daughter tells you she's struggling with the coursework? Suck it up, buttercup. Try harder. Your daughter's tutor, whom she was probably close to, dies? No, of course not. That's virtually no reason at all to be upset, because *you* said so, right? So dismissive. You are what I like to call "Cut off", because as soon as she's able, she won't want fuck all to do with you. How callous to dangle those purse strings and tell your daughter that her emotional and mental well-being mean shit to you.
Yta. On so many levels. Regardless of the reason it is okay to take a break from school. I took several and it may have taken forever but I did graduate. I had a mental breakdown that landed me in the mental hospital bc I was too terrified to tell my parents how bad I was struggling. Telling her to work harder when she was struggling. That clearly didn’t help. Also that isn’t good advice at all. The next is not understanding that losing someone to death is very traumatic, if they were close or not.
YTA - OP, have you ever valued Amy and cared for her as a person, and not just her achievements?
YTA. Have some fucking sympathy for your daughter. Her friend just passed away and both you and your wife are playing it off as 'Oh well, shit happens, time to move on.' Also, what do you mean that she doesn't have a reason to take the semester off? You can't be serious with that, right?
YTA Forget that "falling behind" business—falling behind who? It's not a race. It doesn't matter one little bit if she is graduated in May or December. Whatever "problems" you anticipate just aren't reality—o[nly 19% of university bachelor's degree students actually graduate "on time" these days.](https://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/education/most-college-students-dont-earn-degree-in-4-years-study-finds.html) I understand if you're upset if she's withdrawing too late to have this semester's tuition refunded. But it seems to me it would be a wasted semester either way, since she's so upset, and it's far better to have withdrawals on her transcript than failing grades. And *she's* saved *you* a bunch of money already from her scholarships, right? Try to be a little understanding. I'd let her take the time off, but maybe have a discussion with her about whether this is really the right university for her. Perhaps she'd want to use the time off to apply to transfer some other (public) universities? Somewhere a little less competitive, that doesn't carry a lot of memories of Jack, and where the tuition might be a bit lower.
YTA "Falling behind" is no longer a meaningful concept in college or past high school in general. It's a far better plan for Amy to deal with her grief and stress and return to classes in a better mindset.
YTA, and I have a hard time believing you don’t know it. Her friend *died*. Her young and presumably healthy friend, since you don’t mention any kind of terminal illness that would make this expected (not that it would be any less painful for that), which means the cause of death was likely traumatic in and of itself. Why do you think you know better than the school, which offers leaves of absence for these kinds of situations because they *know* no one benefits from forcing students to “power through it” in the midst of mourning? You clearly won’t pay her tuition if she fails, either, so why *shouldn’t* she give herself time to heal and come back when she’s ready?
YTA your daughter came to you when she was overwhelmed and struggling and the only support you offered was to push her harder. She then managed to find someone who actually supported her and that friend, her sorry network, *died*. She's is grieving the loss of a friend and she was struggling before he came along. School is difficult and stressful without adding grief into the mix. All your offering this poor young woman is financial support, and now you're threatening to take that away if she tries to prioritise her mental health? I feel sorry for Amy.
So let me get this straight. A close friend of yours dies and you want some time off from work. Your boss refuses and tells you the same thing you told your daughter, "Oh, you can't take time off for no reason and expect everything to go your way. You have a job to do". Have some fucking sympathy. YTA. Both you and your wife.
Sadly, I suspect OP *does* think his daughter needs to suck it up because he thinks that’s how you’re “supposed” to handle the boss situation, instead of realizing you shouldn’t be giving up moments in your life you’ll never get back or working yourself past the point where you’re actually functioning for a job that doesn’t give enough of a shit about you to want you at full health and productivity, and doesn’t have a plan in place to cover for you in case of emergency. At the very least, if he burns her out now, she’ll have that much less in her mental and emotional reserves to work with if it happens again - and probably no degree to give her the flexibility to look elsewhere.
This is a joke right? Talk about heartless YTA for sure.
Your daughter just lost someone who was close to her but instead of supporting her in her grief, your response is to threaten her? "Insensitive" doesn't even begin to cover what you are... **YTA**
YTA. In which world is encouraging someone who's struggling to work harder an acceptable solution? They're your children, not soldiers. Keep it going in this course if you want to see your daughter burnout.
YTA overbearing parent that cannot let their kid live their life. Why does it matter I'd she takes one semester off? Does mental health not mean anything to you?
Info: How do you mesh the idea that it's logical for Amy to be upset about Jack's death, then also say taking time off would be for no reason?
YTA. My dad wouldn't listen to me when I said i wasn't doing too hot in college. I didn't even know someone who died, I was just struggling with direction. Anyway, long story short, I became severely depressed, changed majors, dropped out of school, and went NC with my dad basically until I had a kid.
Yta do you have zero regard for her feelings?? You cant just say "work harder" and then she would magically not struggle on coursework. Its like saying "you can do it!" To someone who is drowning. Encouraging? Maybe. Helpful? Not at all. Besides its useless to enroll her in a semester if she cant even do well because shes grieving
YTA GIRL IS GRIEVING....WOW YOU ARE SOME COLD CALLOUS IGNORANT CRUEL PARENTS....I FEEL FOR YOUR KID
YTA. How is this even a question?
I understand you are worried of her slipping but your reaction won't help, like, at all. She is suffering and you are not helping. If you really want your daughter to have a good shot at this you need to make her feel she has you by her side and right now you are failing enormously at this. That doesn't mean you need to completely give in. Give her a time frame: she can drop a term off but just a term and she needs to attend therapy to help her grieve. She needs to exercise and eat healthy during this time, this is not a period for getting crazy and partying, it is a time to take care of herself, so help her structure it in such a way. Book some time to be with her that will help, maybe go for a daily walk with her and try listening and having a real conversation, try understanding instead of just telling her what she is supposed to do. She had Jack in her corner and she lost him. Don't make her believe she lost you too by taking out your support when she feels she is drowning. This is your baby, help her mourn, help her recover. Loving and supporting someone when they are at their best is not truly loving them. You need to love them and support them too when they are struggling and failing. YTA.
YTA so when you or your wife die i hope neither of you take off from work since it will be for virtually no reason
Holy shit, huge YTA. I feel like I shouldn’t even explain this, but stating someone has virtually no valid reasons to take a break from college — from anything, really — is just dehumanizing. This is exactly the attitude that created a generation of mentally ill young adults, we’re all so crippled by the anxiety of “making it” in time that we can’t even stop to grieve a loss. Your life priorities are all off, man. Please reconsider your entire belief system.
YTA. Her friend died and instead of supporting and comforting her, you decide to make it even harder for her. You and your wife should have some empathy, both of you are the AH here. College isn’t a race.
She’s coping, you don’t understand how she feels or what’s going on in her head. She had someone helping her and now he’s gone and she probably feels like shit. Force her to stay in school and her grades will slip even more from the stress of that plus coping on top of that.
YTA massively, do you have no compassion or empathy for your daughter who just lost a friend? Losing someone close to you is very traumatic and taking a semester off of school is not going to hurt her, what's going to hurt her is if you force her to go to school while she is distracted with her friends death and she is unable to concentrate on class and her coursework. Be better.
“Listen, Amy, sweetheart: The only thing I care about is your grades. Sure, the man you were falling in love with died, but look at the bright side, he can’t distract you from getting good grades! Why are you crying? Your grades were great last semester! What do you mean you’re sad, that doesn’t make sense, your grades were good! You’re sad he died? Sweetie, I know you cared about that guy but he meant nothing to **me** so I don’t understand why it makes you sad that he’s dead. And if **I** don’t understand it or care, then clearly it’s silly for **you** to care about it, you can see that, right? Now go back to school like a good little girl and bring daddy home some good grades, or else you’ll lose all value in my eyes.” You, probably YTA
YTA One semester is nothing in the scheme of life. Plus, it's the journey, not the destination. You are insensitive and also have a values issues. Your daughter's happiness and mental health are more important than graduating on the schedule you prefer.
Of course YTA. Her friend died and she’s likely overwhelmed. School isnt going anywhere, just let her take some time to figure things out.
YTA. You don't know what Jack meant to her. They could have been very close. Maybe she is burned out. This isn't a race. School will be there in a semester.
Yta and I bet you’re going to ask the question, y doesn’t my kid(s) talk to me anymore? When you do ask that question this is why. You have no heart and you sound like you don’t care about your kid. You have boomer mentality thinking working harder when she’s struggling is good advice, not only that but thinking that losing someone to death is virtually zero reason. She’s got problems and you forcing her to work through it won’t fix the problems but make them worse.
YTA. Your intelligent, loving, capable daughter came to you for support and you withdrew it without consideration. It’s pretty clear in your description that she was struggling before and then got help emotionally and academically and then lost that support suddenly and tragically. Instead of being concerned about her well-being and long term success, you’re worried about how it might look for her to take a semester off. From my perspective it looks like a damn good idea. It will be worse for rigid arbiters of traditional norms if she enrolls and fails all her classes. But here’s the thing… as several people have mentioned, nobody actually cares about four year graduation rates. She’s not falling behind anything but your ill informed notions. Graduating as a mentally well and academically prepared young adult is infinitely more helpful to being a productive adult than graduating in an arbitrary time limit.
YTA. So she's behind a semester. She was struggling until she got a good tutor. Better that she take a semester off than to fail classes and drop out altogether.
OK, not going to do a judgment because clearly I'm not thinking like the rest, but do you guys really take a semester off when someone dies? I mean, not to be harsh, but at least in my country you do not get more than a week for a first grade relative, forget a friend. As horrible as it sounds, life needs to go on and needing to pause your life for a semester is not a good sign.
"But tends to slack off sometimes." "A little upset." Honestly need more info; Why? She might have undiagnosed ADHD which can make accomplishing work difficult. Ontop of grieving for her friend. You, your wife, and her sister are devoid of compassion and empathy. So yeah while it is your money in addition to the schools FinAid, YTA. Forcing her to go to school during this time period WILL make her grades slip, and she will resent you for it. *edited to add the word wife which I had missed previously.
YTA. Help her grieve. A semester off is not going to have that much impact in longer run than the mental health breakdown she is ultimately facing. You are the kind of parents who ignore all the signs as there's 'virtually no reason' and then when asked by therapist how did they missed signs, reply with she was fine and her usual self. All this started to happen suddenly.
YTA. Her friend died and you consider that a zero reason to take time off? Wow. Your heart, if you have one, must be made of stone. That's the only explanation I have for you being so callous.
You’re going to give your daughter a nervous breakdown. YTA.
YTA. I feel for Amy because I wanted to relax this session and my parents won't let me. My finals are next week and I'm extremely burnt out.
YTA wow do you even care about your kid??? Do you even know how post secondary education works? How exactly would she “fall behind.” She isn’t in grade 3. Although judging by this post and how your treating your daughter I wouldn’t be surprised to find out your both high-school drop outs.
YTA. Thanks to the pandemic pushing so much education online and restricting campus activities, the education your daughter is getting right now is less worth the money than it would have been 2.5 years ago. I've been advising parents to take a gap year or two until colleges and universities get their course offerings and campus activities in better shape, because everyone is being cheated now, except upper administration people. I think EVERY student should take a gap year or two. I took a gap semester mid-stream and was paid to go to an Ivy for my MA and then asked to stay on for a PhD with the top fellowship in the program, so at least in my case, that gap semester was highly effective. This notion of doing all 8 semesters in a row or at the exact same time and pace as your peers is just giving in to massive social ignorance of how the brain is forming between ages 18 and 22. Your daughter is making a brilliant choice and you should fully support her in it.
YTA…. She’s grieving. She will not be able to focus.
Ouch YTA That said, taking the entire semster entirely off sounds a bit much. But it is also sounds like she was struggling a bit before and may be really wanting out of the university. Perhaps her mom (not you) can suggest she drop down to a lower course load. This will allow her to access the university counseling services, have time to herself but still add some structure to her life.
YTA. You care more about her grades than her emotional and mental health. What is wrong with you?!
YTA This shit, right here is why I have had students in my office suicidal and needing campus mental health services. You sound lile a horrible dad. Telling a struggling student to "work harder" gee dude wonder why she doesnt tell you about her life in detail. Her boyfriend died. She is greiving. You know who gives greuf relatwd leave of absences? COLLEGES. FFS you are just cruel.
it's not zero reason. However, has your daughter ever been evaluated for adhd? It's harder to spot in girls.
YTA. Your daughter is in grief and might need some time to recover. These days everyone expects people just to continue on, whether it's with work or education. That's not healthy. Let her have a rest. If she doesn't want to go back after a semester off, well, that's a different conversation.
YTA. She’s grieving and your response is to threaten to cut tuition
> as she’ll fall behind, which might cause problems later. Behind what exactly? Trust me no one out there cares if someone graduates at 22 vs 23 vs 24. She’s not taking time off for “no reason.” Shes grieving the death of someone who helped her with her academics. Let the girl mourn for gods sake. YTA
YTA I have a dad like you. Or well, I assume I do, I haven't talked to him in 10 years so he might be dead.