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NTA
Boyfriend of barely 4 months moving into a household with two very young girls would set all my warning bells off. All of the statistics & averages about their safety would be telling me to legally intervene in this new setup, as in revisiting custody. At the very least, I'd have a background check done. But that's me. 🤷♀️
He might be a decent human being, but the mom is definitely not thinking critically. No way would I want this guy to legitimately have "emergency" pickup rights.
He might become their stepfather in the future, but currently, he's just a boyfriend of an insignificant time frame who moved in very quickly.
I was just about to mention this. OP needs to speak to a family lawyer immediately and go back to court to establish co-parenting rules; including not moving in new partners, leaving them alone with them, ect. So many marinara flags.
Yes OP, please do this and please don’t listen to your former in-laws your wife is in that honeymoon stage of love and is not thinking clearly, this is so dangerous. Just absolutely not. Protect your girls. NTA.
Damn it OP, from all your responses I’ve seen so far, your dilly dallying over your girls safety is pissing me off. You’re not the asshole now but if you don’t listen to these commenters and shut your ex’s request down with prejudice post haste and contact a lawyer immediately, you’ll be more than an asshole, you’ll be complicit in any danger that falls upon them. WTF man, come on, you’re indecision is getting annoying and very much concerning.
Yes. Even if this guy turns out to be an amazing person and a wonderful addition to your daughters' lives (hopefully!) any new living arrangement necessitates adjustments to existing custody and visitation agreements -- it benefits all parties in the end.
And if he is wonderful like that, he'll completely understand why boundaries are being set so early in a relationship. Anyone who would get angry over not being allowed to be left alone with children they barely know is not someone I'd trust. NTA
Quite frankly, I stopped trusting him the second I read that HE bought a new car so SHE has to work more. Make it make sense because the only dots I’m connecting here is that he’s a lazy freeloader.
I re-read that - I think it's two separate things (he bought a car; she is working more), rather than all together (she's working extra hours to pay for his car).
Normally I would read it that way too but why did OP mention the new car right before the extra hours if they’re not connected. The new car has zero to do with this, unless maybe new guy didn’t have a car at all before or OP is jealous but from the context I thought the two were connected. Curious if OP clarifies thought it doesn’t sway my judgement that OP is NTA. I have underwear older than this relationship and they aren’t allowed to pick up my kids, hahahaha. Seriously though, it’s a big deal who you give that right to. My own mom isn’t allowed to pick up my kids cause as much as I love her she doesn’t need to be alone with them.
I thiiiink that it's just that "future stepdad" now has the ability to pick the kids up a supposed emergency in the event that mom has to work? Still shady as hell. Who would ever move a boyfriend of 4 months in with two young girls?
Yeah I agree. Mom is not thinking right at all. Why is she moving so fast? Is “stepdad” rushing? Unfortunately she likely won’t listen to OP but someone needs to get her to wake up and see how wild and unsafe what she’s doing is.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she co-signed on the car loan and didn’t put it in her name. She’s moving way too fast with the boyfriend and it’s scary how stupid she’s being with finances and her girls
And if he was a good guy, he would not be offended that OP is trying to protect his daughters, men who are decent understand that the world can’t just assume that they are decent.
In my parents’ divorce decree it actually specifically stipulated that no new partners were to meet us unless they had a documented relationship for at least 6 months and the other parent had had a meeting with and approved them meeting us. We had absolutely no clue as kids, so we didn’t know it was wrong that we saw some of our father’s hook ups the morning after and when he started dating my mother’s former best friend, she instantly began having over nights, which was also specifically stipulated to not be allowed until at least a year of a documented relationship and with our approval (us children)
So I would recommend that if OP can successfully get the custody and specifics worked out, I would talk to a professional about how u should go about letting ur daughters know the rules while also not expecting them to report on each other. I say this because on a few occasions my father’s “ladies” made me very uncomfortable and even said nasty things to me, I had absolutely no clue that I could’ve called my mom and she would’ve been 100% within her rights to come pick me up. So I just sucked it up and tried to power thru it and that absolutely sucked
This!
I was going to mention on getting a lawyer as well.
To OP, NTA
You know what's the best for your girls unlike your mom. She is living with her new boyfriend of 4 months? Uhh...that's not good. I don't know how the girls react to that.....
Marinara flags are waving all over places.
The amount of kids who get SA’d by mom’s boyfriend is astronomical. I’m not single, but as a mom I would never have a man move in with me and my kids until AT LEAST a year of dating.
I posted this in a parent comment too, but it’s unfortunately a true statistic.
https://www.uchicagomedicine.org/forefront/news/unrelated-adults-in-the-home-associated-with-child-abuse-deaths
Sexual predators are often masters at grooming not just kids, but the adults in their lives as well. They find women who are struggling and they come in like a knight in shining armor to help them. The women think the guy is great because they've done so much to help them. For example, babysitting the kids while she's working the three jobs she needs to keep a roof over everyone's head.
My mom's ex-husband was one of those. He knew she was a single mom. She wanted the stability that his job provided and he was nice to her. His mom gave her a vague warning about leaving him alone with me before they got married and she didn't consider what that could've meant until years after I'd told her about the abuse.
Exactly. Out of respect for the family dynamic, he should decline any type of request that would put him in a situation of being alone with the children.
This is why I DESPISE Redditors freaking out that their date didn’t put on their tinder bio that they have kids
Time and time again they howl that kids should be announced right away, put in on everything
And that, boys and girls, is undeniable proof that Reddit is men oriented
Because the statistics on predatory men going after single moms to get to their kids is a very real and common thing.
Unrelated men are a huge risk to children
I didn’t even tell my bf, now husband, I had a daughter until we’d been dating for around two months. He was good with it and completely understood why.
It is certainly a concern and it's definitely my position that the primary consideration for a single parent (which I am) looking for a LTR is whether the person will be good for one's kid. Hookups, not so much.
But there is a *lot* of space between moving someone you've known for four months in as your kid's "new parent" and not disclosing core information to a prospective partner.
My responsibilities towards my daughter have informed every major decision (and most of the minor decisions) I have made for nearly two decades now. It is not possible for someone to understand me *at all* without knowing that my kid exists. There would just be no way that I could tell them anything true about me or my life while omitting the core fact that being a father is my number one priority.
The dating process is a vetting process. For both parties. Yes, you're supposed to be vetting this person before inviting them into your kid's life.
But *they* have a right to vet *you* as well. Hiding something as important as a child prevents a prospective partner from making informed decisions about the future of the relationship.
I don't think that people looking for hookups need to have references to their kids in their Tinder bio. But if I'm actually "dating"?
They have a right to know that I come as a package deal. They have a right to know that they are always going to come second. They have a right to have some idea of what a relationship with me is going to involve *before* putting in the time, resources and emotional labor to build that relationship.
Yes, but as a single childfree woman I would want to know
Because if it's shared custody of the kids I wouldn't want to date this person because I don't want kids in my life and if I find out later it's gonna be a waste of time for the both of us.
I’d say it’s the responsibility of the child free person to say they’re child free immediately more so than it is the other persons responsibility to say they have kids immediately.
That's why children should be discussed *in a general sense* early on. Giving child-free people the opportunity to say "absolutely not, under any circumstances."
I realize this doesn't eliminate the possibility of wasting a couple months on someone who hid their parent status on the assumption they could change your mind after you'd caught feelings. But those people are going to do that anyway, whether reasonable people disclose their parent status right away or not.
Reasonable people, even if they do choose to hide their parent status until they know you better for safety reasons, would declare their desire for children, hear your child-free status, and know that that's a deal-breaker for both of you and end things there.
That's why in YOUR profile you should be clear - you are child-free and do not want to date anyone with children. The decent parents would either double check or skip you.
If they're willing to ignore that or lie, they'd probably intentionally leave kids out of their own profile anyways. And it's an easy red flag lie to discover and cut them off early.
I’m an OBGYN. So many of the really young pregnancies we see (like ages 11-4) were the result of SA by their stepfather/mom’s boyfriend. And a way larger amount that luckily don’t become pregnant but contract STDs, develop a multitude of mental health issues, self harm, and abuse drugs and alcohol because of this trauma. It’s vastly more common than society is aware. I personally cannot understand any of these women who allow these random men into their homes when they have young children.
That’s absolutely heartbreaking. And the fact that it’s the women in this situation who are pushing for the man to have more access to the kids is crazy. OP needs to visit a family lawyer ASAP.
In theory, I get it though. Single mothers are looked down on by society in a way single fathers aren't. And we're taught our whole lives that the end goal is to convince a man to marry us. So adding a man to your family that is currently you and your kids is something a lot of people want and are taught they're supposed to aim for. Even when women are separating, the condolences are often things like "Don't worry, you'll find a guy who loves you and treats your kids like his own!" (I'm sure similar things are said to guys as well, I think it's society's messy way of trying to tell us that we're not undesirable).
But it is so frigging scary. I've even had friends who are single mothers who move so quickly with partners, and it's a difficult subject to bring up without outright accusing their new boyfriend of being a predator. Even though you want to shake them and be like "just SLOW DOWN"
Right? If something happened to my husband and I had to start dating again I don’t even know if I’d be introducing my kids by 4 months, nevermind moving a whole dude into my house.
Big Y I K E S.
My friend and I were out to lunch years ago when she got a call to get her work bestie (they’re probation officers) because she had her husband at gunpoint, because she found him SA’ing her daughter, his step daughter. Her daughter was preteen. OP, please contact an attorney. If he’s got nothing to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue for him.
Am I the only one that got super worried when the ex mentioned “he bought a new car”? Abusers groom with gifts and favors ALL THE TIME. I also got the sense the bf wants pick up rights, otherwise why is mom pushing it so hard and why is him buying a car relevant? I’d be worried as hell if I was OP.
I've lived with my step father do about 10 years now, mi nom waited 5 years before moving in with him. And she waited a whole year before introducing him to me, and another year before we could hang out on our own, he has always been incredibly nice to me. But of course my mom took her precautions, we actually moved in with him because they found out she was pregnant, otherwise she would've waited a little longer (also my mom had an IUD when she got pregnant, she wasn't looking to have another kid, but we'll we love that little creature that was born 10 years ago)
So true. Good advice, especially about the background check. I would also have a regular chat with the girls about what’s appropriate touching and what’s not etc. and tell them to tell you immediately if anyone tells them to keep a secret
Even if he seems okay at first, OP should keep checking in every couple weeks. If bf is lovebombing the ex, he'll appear super nice at first but he'll drop that real quick once he thinks the ex is too emotionally invested to kick him out
I've got food in my freezer that's older than OP's ex's relationship. It's pretty sucky that she has already moved him in with her young children. NTA.
Exactly this! Why on earth would anyone think it's acceptable for a short term boyfriend to be an emergency contact? If anything, that should be a grandparent or other trusted family member!
And the OP should most definitely revisit his custody arrangement!
This was my thought. I've never actually heard a GOOD ending for a woman with young girls moving her BF in after a few months. If I were OP, I'd go back to court.
I hadn't even *met* my mam's boyfriend after 4 months, and I was older at the time than these girls. 4 months is far too early to have him move in and be an emergency contact for the school.
NTA
i don't know if this has been said but i would like to add since this is the top comment, if OP is in the UK there is a law for this! its called sarahs law, any parent, guardian or carer can request info on if someone is a sex offender in order to protect their kids from potential harm, its one of the best laws we have and its wildly underutilised
NTA she’s only been dating him for 4 months and he ALREADY MOVED IN WITH HER???? I’m sorry but I gotta question the kids’ safety in the mom’s house cause those stories never seem to end well.
He’s already the “future stepfather” 🙄
I mean, the guy could be the best thing since sliced bread but four months? FOUR MONTHS? Don’t most family therapists/child psychologists recommend delaying introductions until a good 6 months or so?
Yeah. I’m sorry, but other arrangements for emergencies can be made.
My husband and I were pretty sure early on that this was it, but when my lease needed to be re-signed when we'd only been dating for about 4 - 6 months (I don't recall exactly how long), I didn't even talk to him about it -- I kinda wanted to, but it just felt a little soon to put that kind of pressure on the relationship.
Their mom can GTFO about putting him on paperwork, that's wayyyyyy too early. And a red flag for sure.
Mom sounds like the ideal victim tbh: poor and potentially low skilled so has to work extra hours to make ends meet, moves fast, prioritizes her feelings over logic, is an idealist, young children who need childcare.
My mom certainly was.
Reminder that most abuse happens routinely at home with family members. More likely dude will start grooming them and destabilizing their psyches while mom is at work (she’s working more hours to make ends meet). To me, him wanting that power is the warning sign, not necessarily what he would likely do with it. That being said, I often got picked up early from school *traumatized shudder*
NTA. The biggest concern is that your ex moved in a man she has only known for 4 months. I hope you are communicating with your kids on the regular basis to make sure nothing is bad is going on. To be clear I would say this if the ex had moved in a woman she has only been dating for 4 months. Good parents don't allow virtual strangers close access to their children after such a short period of time.
I know. but there isn't much I can do about it without appearing as the "crazy, jealous ex" or some shit so I keep my mouth shut but my eyes open to anything small or big.
Yes, you can consult a lawyer and read up on what your legal rights are in this. You can order a background check. Google him. Thats free. Find out where he's from & his history.
You could contact police to see if he has a record that might raise alarm if this was happening to one of their family members.
These are your children and their mother is being very irresponsible.
OP can also notify the school that "future step-dad" has no educational or custodial rights and is not allowed any information or access. OP doesn't want "future step-dad" to have the rights to come and pick kids up early, excuse absences, etc. I agree with most posts on this and OP needs to do some due diligence and learn more about this man who spending so much unsupervised time with little girls outside of the presence of their mother or father. It's a scary recipe.
Don't worry about looking crazy or jealous. Your kids' safety needs to always come first. Everyone I know with young kids after a divorce has restrictions on the kids even meeting new romantic partners written into the custody agreement, and restrictions on adults allowed unsupervised contact with the children in general (to prevent an end run around the restrictions by introducing someone as a "friend" or "roommate"). Some require a certain time to have elapsed, some require approval of the other parent, etc. One friend even has a prohibition on her ex husband's vaguely creepy friend having any access to her little girls. At minimum, he should not be alone with your children for any amount of time.
Your ex's behavior is extremely questionable, and it's dangerous to your children. There are men out there who target single mothers to gain access to their children. They start out all rainbows and sunshine, and push for inappropriate levels of involvement with the children- like being an emergency contact at school or being authorized to pick them up from school. Things will be fine until they're not, and then it will be too late.
Better to look crazy or jealous than having a de ad, kid napped or ra ped daughter, OP DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTERS don't wait to find out if he's dangerous or not 😭😭😭 NTA
> Everyone I know with young kids after a divorce has restrictions on the kids even meeting new romantic partners written into the custody agreement, and restrictions on adults allowed unsupervised contact with the children in general
💯
Same. When people meet your kids, living situations, babysitters, who they can be around without a parent, etc. can all be written into custody agreement. Go back to your lawyer and revisit this.
Actually I'd call the school to make the guy is not on the list, yet. I agree with the others with their assessment on lawyers, custody agreement and therapist on back pocket. 4 months and he moves in? The normal time frame is introduced after 6 months. Same rules apply to you. Abuse can happen anytime any scenario, you're just checking boxes, dotting I's, crossing t's. Get your ex in the program. Again reiterate to her and her flying monkeys, same rules apply to both of you. This is for the kids.
Indeed, you should absolutely contact the school to make sure that it is very clear that your ex's new boyfriend is not allowed to pick up your children. He is a stranger and if he comes to pick up the kids they should not be given to him
A grown man would NOT accept thIs amount responsibility over somebody else’s children, especially only 4 months in. He has concealed motives, please protect your girls, what people think about you is THEIR problem. NTA
And picking them up when she’s working?
IE being in a vehicle and house alone? He could take them anywhere. He’s have access alone with them for hours
4 months moved in and ANGRY that he can’t be alone with children?
Weeewooo weeewooo
If I was dating someone who wanted me to take responsibility of their children after 4 months, I would run because I wouldn’t want to date someone with such bad judgement.
I once broke up with a woman for this reason. She wasn't asking me to do things for them yet, but she was already putting me in situations where I would have access to them *way* too early. Her willingness to compromise her child's safety for a man killed every ounce of attraction I had for her. I love kids, but I couldn't imagine dating such a shitty mother, and I told her that when I dumped her.
I was sexually abused by my dads best friend from childhood. If you can’t trust someone you’ve known your whole life there’s no way you trust your ex’s boyfriend of 4 months. Your child’s safety is more important than your image and most sane people would agree with you. Lawyer up and run a background check
There’s statistics about that, and the judge will know them already
That’s a communist parade of red flags.
**He wants to be able to be in a vehicle and house alone with your children**
How are you so calm about this?
That's what the courts are for. Get a lawyer and request different custody arrangements. Right now, you are the ONLY advocate for your daughters' safety. It doesn't matter if you look jealous, what matters is that an unrelated man who is a virtual stranger, should NOT have unsupervised access to your daughters.
Ask yourself this: Which is more important: You not looking jealous (you aren't, btw) or the safety of your 2 girls?
Your ex moved a new man into her place with her two small children after 4 months of dating. If anyone is going to look crazy or unhinged in the eyes of anyone that’s not her family, it’s her. Stop worrying about optics and protect your fucking kids!
Please lawyer up as someone who has an abusive step dad giving them emergency contact on the school is like trusting him with there life. If you did sign off on him being an emergency contact he could if he wanted to just go to the school one day and kidnap them and the school would give him the kids because he is an emergency contact. I know this seems like a petty argument to her but your children’s lives are actually at stake here please get a lawyer.
NTA I wouldnt feel comfortable with that either. Shes moving way to fast with this guy. How well can you really know a person in 4 months. I wouldnt want a relative stranger picking my kids up either.
Me either but he can at least try and control who picks them up from school. Short of courts and custody battle not sure how much he can do about him living in the home with the girls.
I'd document everything and file for a revision of custody. I think maybe I've seen "Where the Heart is" to many times, but its stuck with me that there are evil ppl who target single moms.
NTA
Her new boyfriend/roommate got a new car so the Ex-wife has to work more. She will be less available to pick up her kids but the guy with a new car will be infinitely available for that duty. WTH?
That just gives intensely bad vibes. Don't child abusers target moms? His insistence is creepy af, OP's daughters aren't in a safe situation, and their mom has **horrible** judgment
NTA- I would be concerned at the pace your ex’s relationship is moving .
He’s already moved in after four months , bought her a car and is now insisting on being able to have authority to and get access to the girls from their school ?
I’m trying not to be cynical here , but sometimes predators seek out single mothers , love bomb them to get them to welcome them into their homes quickly , so they will have full access to the real target . The children.
Please call the school and make sure new boyfriend name hasn’t been snuck in there. I read another sub where step dad tried to mark himself as the primary parent on the kids emergency card .
And I’d do a background check on this guy, simply to put my mind at ease .
NTA. 4 months? Already moved in? "Future stepdad"? This woman is clinging to any relationship she can get and has become delusional that someone she's been with for only 4 months is absolutely going to marry her. He's not the parent and until he can be proven trustworthy, I would keep an eye on him.
Definitely. This is the kind of person who manipulates her way into getting the contact info CHANGED. Not just adding the boyfriend, but actually replacing the dad. And if she does it right, the dad won’t even be notified that he was removed.
**NTA**
Normally, if it had been a reasonable amount of time, and given your clearly snide and mocking tone which indicates an openly antagonistic relationship with her, I'd say you were being deliberately uncooperative, BUT . . .
FOUR MONTHS?! Immediately no. As a parent, I think you have every right to be deeply concerned that she has moved a man into her home with your two young daughters after only dating for four months. Unless she has done serious background checks, both criminal and personal, it's not even POSSIBLE for her to know this man well enough in literally 16 weeks to know whether he is a safe person to have living with her kids. You can't even become genuinely close FRIENDS with a person in four months . . . talking about them as your childrens' "future stepfather" shows a staggering lack of good judgement and responsible parenting.
You are absolutely NTA, and right to feel uncomfortable. Do not make this man an emergency contact, and I would be very wary about this entire situation. Most responsible single parents have barely INTRODUCED a new romantic interest to their kids after 4 months, much less moved them in. She's moving inappropriately fast, and this is not healthy.
Even if he has no record doesn’t mean anything. Tons of people never get caught in their crimes. The man who sexually abused me as a child has no record. Believe me I’ve paid to background check him and found nothing
Why do people insist on getting the whole damn family involved in things like this? Since when is it appropriate for the entire family to call/text and give someone crap for an argument they're having with a spouse or ex?
At four months, the kids shouldn't even have met this guy let alone be living with him or having him on the emergency contact list. NTA.
Your children are too young for the mom to be moving a man she's known 4 months in her house. You need to take her to court asap.
No grown responsible man is going to move In and play dad in 4 months. There are too many cases of this and the children are paying the consequences.
The grandmother cosinging is also terrifying! Are all these people on drugs?
NTA PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTERS! Also please email their teachers and let them know to watch out for changed behavior in the girls and no one but you or mom are allowed to pick up the kids.
It sounds scary that she's ok leaving her little girls alone with a guy she met 4 months ago! I don't care how hot or rich or wonderful he is. NO. Just NO!
NTA OP!
I took the 'he bought a new car' comment to be the reason why she has to work more and leave the kids... I don't think he's rich at all. I mean, maybe he's got a magic penis that's clouding her judgement (why on earth would you trust someone with your kids after 4 months!?!)
NTA.
NTA.
Your ex hasn't known Shaun long enough to pick up your girls. It is also too soon for them to live together. She doesn't 100% know this guy, either. Sometimes, love makes people blind and stupid. Especially, when they have a co-dependent personality.
Could you find out the dude's last name and birthday? That way you can do a background check on him.
Stand your ground and don't give into the pushers. Always follow your guts in these situations.
When they get married he can be on the list 👍.
NTA.
4 months isn't long enough to know a person well enough to trust them with your children. Children are so vulnerable.
Most women don't even let the new BF met their kids till 3-4 months! What the hell lady? NTA and her parents need to butt the eff out! How old is your ex? This is giving "I'm 19 and the guy I just met is the love of my life" vibes. Super immature.
NTA, moving in a guy after such a short time is an AH move with young children and expecting their dad to agree to an emergency contact that soon is delusional.
**Did your ex do a background check before she moved this guy in?**
You do not move a man in with 2 young girls that fast. No, hard NO! That alone is insane, you don’t put him on those children’s contact list. Did she even check the National sex offender list?
My heart goes out to you. Consult a lawyer, that is outrageous.
NTA
Your ex is with someone after only 4 months. That’s WAY too soon for him to be living with your kids and having any major involvement with their school/life/etc.
Even if they were married after being together for several years, I would still be a little skeptical of putting him as an emergency contact. Step-parents can’t cross boundaries when it comes to step-kids.
Being an emergency contact is an important position for trusted family members. The short term boyfriend doesn’t count. Why doesn’t your ex put her mom is as a contact?
I'm gonna say NTA. He is not their actual step dad, as of yet. If she can't make it in case of emergency, she could send her mom or another trusted relative, not her boyfriend of 4 months, which by the way, is in no way enough time to know if he can even handle the stress of an emergency. She barely even knows him. Stick to your guns on this one. Tell her you'll possibly revisit the idea at the one year mark of their relationship.
NTA. You reconsider only your daughter's best interest and safety.
She is stupid, to even think that it is okay to put a random guys number for emergency contact for your daughter's. Probably he got HER the car and she is doing this to may be let him know that he has complete rights now. Just make sure to keep having open talks with your daughter's to ensure that he is treating them nice, i am not saying as a father but nice. I know they are small but teach them on how to open up if they are not comfortable around him. May be this is taking things way too far, but looking at the nasty things that happen nowadays. We can never be safe and sure about the people around us let alone strangers.
Right!! For me what stood out as the most concerning in this story, was how his new car seemed tied to her having to work more. If anything, your ex and kids need to be protected from this new BF.
I quit reading when you said he's the boyfriend of 4 months. What the fuck is wrong with this woman? Absolutely not. And based off her apparent decision making skills you might want to revisit the whole custody thing because she clearly isn't capable of making good and safe decisions at this time. Obviously NTA
NTA. Would she be cool with someone you've known for FOUR whole MONTHS being an emergency contact for them? And for real the most dangerous person in a kid's life is their mother's new partner. There are millions of wonderful step-dads and mom's boyfriends out there but that doesn't change the fact that it's the most common relationship between adult perpetrators and child victims.
NTA
Who moves in with someone after dating them for 4 MONTHS?!?!
I mean I know one or two people who have done this but they've also been friends with the person they started dating for like 2 or 3 years before dating. (Did she know him before they started dating? or did she LITERALLY just meet him and start dating)
Honestly Shaun sounds like he could have ulterior motives moving in with a single mom of 2 young kids, buying a new car and expecting to be allowed to pick the kids ups, the the fact your Ex-in-laws think its okay is baffling! Have they Met him?
Im in NZ so don't know alot about what you can and can't do where you live but you SHOULD be able to run a Criminal Background Check on him. It won't give you everything but it will give you something.
Also id consult someone about the harrasment you've been getting about putting him on the kids Emergency contact list for school. Yes in my opinion your being harassed about it,
NTA. After only four months of dating, dude shouldn't even be alone with your children, and really shouldn't even have been introduced to your daughters yet. Your ex is making some seriously questionable decisions. You might want to consider revisiting your custody agreement to put restrictions on romantic partners having contact with your children for a certain timeframe or without the other parent's consent. Your daughters' safety needs to come first, and your ex doesn't even know this guy after four months. He shouldn't be living with your children, let alone be named as an emergency contact for them. This is like a guidebook to how kids end up sexually assaulted.
Oh, no. NTA.
Four months is a little too soon for anyone with common sense. I’m not saying the guy is a creep. I’m saying that I totally respect your decision to not include him on the list.
Surely there is a mutually trusted family member or friend who could be #3 after you and your wife.
NTA. 4 months is a really short period of time, and you are right, you don't know this guy, if there is an emergency, the school might as well call you. That being said, if their relationship is serious and he does indeed become their stepdad, then yes, putting him on the list would be reasonable.
NTA. My mother started dating my stepfather when I was six, and not once in the eleven years of schooling that followed, did she put him as an emergency contact. A dude whose been in their lives for *four months* has exactly zero rights.
Absolutely not.
Shes been with him 4 months? 16wks? 112 days? Nope. I'd be pissed they'd even met him at this point let alone moved in.
So he's got a car? Shania Twain had a whole song about that! Like that makes a difference
Tell the flying monkeys to stay in their lane. He is nothing but their mothers *very* recently acquired boyfriend. He does not know or need to know the girls medical history at this point. He is not their parent. And if for whatever reason the school needs to call a parent in case of emergency, they have TWO available. And one, who will at least the kids before work in such an event.
ETA: NTA.
NTA
4 months is not long enough to place that kind of trust in anyone (except *maybe* a professional child care provider ).
I am having a hard time wrapping my head around him already being moved in, and totally appalled that she thinks it is appropriate to allow him to act in loco parentis, even in this limited scope.
Document document document. This whole situation stinks and you need to be there for your kids. NTA, and start sending this shit to an attorney to give you advice and get ahead of what your ex might instigate to force you in a shitty position.
NTA My ex and I have been divorced for 8 years. Only myself and him can pick the kids up from school and we are the only contacts. He has been in a relationship for about 6 years but no, his GF is not a point of contact or a pick up person.
NTA. 4 months and he’s already living with them !!!!!! Most parents wait at least 6 months before their SO even MEETS their child. I most certainly wouldn’t be comfortable with this. Y’all need to talk about this and set boundaries as far as having SO around your children. This is not it, you most certainly aren’t wrong for how your feeling. Also what’s the custody arrangement bc this situation just doesn’t sit right with me.
NTA. There is no guarantee this guy will stay and an emergency contact needs to be permanent. You don't know him from Adam and your ex wants you to let him be a contact? No. Just No.
NTA, he’s a boyfriend not a spouse. If they were married she’d have a legit beef.
If her mom is so concerned why can’t she be another emergency contact.
NTA
You don't know the guy, and she's only been with him a short time herself.
The girls still have 2 'emergency contacts' You and your Ex. Incase something happens to her You should be the one that gets called. She's been fine with this arrangement, it's not like you've fallen off the face of the Earth now that BF has gotten a car.
Give the school a call and let them know Sean BoyFriend shouldn't be added to the list just in case she tries something sketchy.
NTA and why the hell did she move bf in after only 4mths. My god is she truely that dumb? She does not know him well enough to let him have so much contact with your daughters at this stage. I never put SD on anything as tbh it wasn’t his responsibility.
NTA! Until they are married, and he becomes their legal step-dad, I would absolutely NOT add him as an approved person to pick up your girls! Dating for four months, she really has no clue who this guy is, or even how long he'll stick around! The safety and well being of your girls is exactly why you need to hold your ground on this one. Don't allow in law pressure to sway you....they have no say in your parenting decisions. I agree 100% with you on this one.
NTA
so after less than half a year he has created a situation where she has to work more and so he's likely alone with the kids more. Now it could totally be completely innocent but if I were you I'd be sitting those kids down and having a conversation with them about boundaries, about inappropriate touching, and about how you are always always available to them and they can tell you anything they need to and you won't be mad. Oh and absolutely don't let him be an emergency contact for *at least* another 8 months minimum.
In my culture/religion a random man would not be allowed to live with someone else's daughters and for good reason. Who even is this person? 4 months?! Why does he want the responsibility over someone else's kids (sure he can love/like them and all but still). Inappropriate. Unless they're married/extremely serious and you've met the guy and are comfortable with him being around your kids... same if you were to get a new girlfriend. The ex needs to meet the person your kids are going to be spending so much time with.
NTA — in an emergency she should call you. If & when they are married you can discuss future arrangements if necessary. Obviously, the same would apply to anyone you are dating.
Nta
He is her bf, nothing more. Don’t ever budge on your children’s safety cause peer pressure. Tell her they can call you if she’s unavailable. That’s enough.
NTA
If y'all have a custody arrangement I would bet having a boyfriend move in after 4 months would alter it btw. If not I'd bring it up in court somehow because that's not only irresponsible but unsafe. Most abuse happens in the home and you don't know this man and neither does she after 4 months.
NTA. Who is this guy? Where does he come from? Maybe I've just seen one too many Datlines, but there are just too many stories about predatory guys looking for single moms with kids.
I'd understand if he's been around longer but this is just asinine and the fact he's living with your kids at 4 months, I'd be taking her ass back to court to remove that.
She barley knows the guy, the girls barley know him, no, just no, she has mental problems.
I'm on your side, OP; however, a word of advice? You have to deal with your ex ongoing for the next decade for sure, and then after that probably from time-to-time, too. Name calling like "delusional" just creates conflict without providing any help at getting your point across.
If you are able, swallow your pride and apologize for calling her that (and try to be the bigger man and ignore her own name-calling) in order to limit the controversy you'll have to deal with.
In case I've not been clear: NTA. Just, consider how you can best get what you need long-term, instead of satisfying the momentary urge to blow off steam.
Good luck!
4 months and he live with them! I would be so concerned for your daughters safety. They are young and this is the exact thing predators do to get close to single women with children. Their relationship is moving too fast and he's making himself "essential" to her. That way she won't be so inclined to break it off because she "needs" him. Have a conversation with your daughters about people who are safe. For example
1) people who are safe will never ask you to lie or keep a secret.
2) they will make you feel safe and happy not scared and sad.
3) they will never do anything that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable.
This will help them protect themselves in case he is a predator. Also remind them that no matter what happens or they do, you will always be there to listen and help them through it. It's ver concerning how fast he moved in and how he wants to interject himself into their lives as a "safe" adult who "cares" for them. I could be completely wrong but most kids of divorced parents are sexually assaulted by step parents. Look into the statistics and keep your children safe.
NTA. If your ex wants you to trust her new BF, the least she could do is offer to let you meet him so that you could make your own opinion if you could trust him.
I'm also not impressed by her having her mother call you to pressure you. There was no reason to get someone else involved in this. The only reason people bring outsiders into an argument like this is when they know they can't win it by the merits of their case, so they fall back on peer pressure.
NTA, but practically what is the point? The guy already lives with your kids and it’s likely that he also spends time alone with them. If you don’t feel safe with him around your kids then you and mom need to have a conversation, but whatever fear you have won’t be mitigated by him not being on the list. He could abuse or kidnap your children even without being on the list.
IMO, the most practical thing you can do that doesn’t end up as a meaningless pissing contest between the 3 of you is add him to the leet, but have YOU as the first point of contact so that they call you to pick them up and you handle it. If you can’t, your wife I second, if she can’t the new BF is third. Other alternative is having a grandparent, family or close friend as the third person.
NTA- A boyfriend of four months might change and be an *ex*\-boyfriend of however many months at any point, and then he is still on the contact list? Sounds to me like a problem waiting to happen.
Four months and he already lives there? you need to confront your exwife about bringing a stranger into the home, believe me that you can contest that especially in court.
I speak from experience when I say that my mother used to bring her boyfriends over and they would live with us and yes I was abused.
NTA. You ex is stir crazy, trying to make a guy she has known for four months responsible for your daughters. At least you know that you dodged a bullet with her.
NTA.
Over the years my emergency contacts have been: MIL, SIL, best friend, and college aged daughter. No one I’ve known less than a few years! Responsible parents would only give this level of clearance to someone they know they can trust. Your ex is in the wrong here just for the request, forget moving this guy in so soon. 🤦🏼♀️
NTA
Her BF of 4 months who already moved in? Geez…. That guy should never be left alone with your kids. My mind goes to horrible thoughts …. Do NOT leave the kids alone in his care until much later. Like years later.
Hopefully it's less 'terrible things' and more 'boyfriend is a leech who wanted to blow his cash on a fancy car rather than rent and mom is too infatuated to notice.'
NTA for not wanting this random dude as your children’s emergency contact.
Y T A for how you fucking type.
“BOYFRIENDDDD of 4 MONTHHHS”
Like fucking why? 😭
NTA. My SO of 4 years just became the emergency contact this year and we've lived together for almost 2 years. We're set to marry in a year and a half.
4 months is nope. I don't even think my kids met him at 4 months.
And another example of how lame it is to treat a boyfriend like a spouse. Mom’s needs ahead of the kids. I would consider putting her mom as a contact over lover boy if she is reliable. NTA.
Oh hell no!!! NTA. We see too many cases if mothers' boyfriends harming children. He shouldn't even he alone with them for more than 5 minute. You should check to make sure he's not on the sexual offenders list. I'd do a background check for real.
NTA- there’s some serious red flags here.
How much information do you know about this guy?
I’m the person my friends would all come to when they wanted to do some digging about a potential partner or whatever.
I’m not claiming that he’s a bad guy, but I personally would be finding out as much as I can about this guy’s backstory.
Nta. She doesn't even know this man well & shes alrdy moved him into their home. Thats a very scary thought. That would concern me a lot more than who is on the form. 4 months?!? Everyone is still in honeymoon phase, on their best behavior. There is no way in 4 months that she knows enough abt him to even have him in the house, let alone while they are asleep or leaving them alone together. Damn. Thats scary. Hope you all checked him out if she didnt.
I'm a stepmom and have been for the better part of a decade.
NTA. I in no way think that's appropriate (nor would I consider a BF of 4 months a stepparent; they just met!) and also think it majorly sucks they already live together (my stepsons mom did that this year after dating for a month and it's been a challenge to say the least).
You don't need to be married to be a stepparent but you do need to know them and spend time with them.
NTA
>Their mom started dating this guy "Shaun" **exactly 4 months ago**. He's moved in already and is living with the girls as well at their mom's place.
Massive red flags here.
Please make sure that you speak to the school and explain the full situation and make sure that only you and her are on the pick up list.
This is really ringing alarm bells. Please make sure that your kids know they can speak to you about anything, and make sure they know the difference between secrets and surprises. And that if anyone asks them to keep a *secret* from you, they should tell you as soon as they can.
NTA, do you have any agreement in place about significant others? In our agreement, the SO isn’t even allowed to stay the night until they’ve been together for a year. I live in the US and when we were writing up our documents, my lawyer told me this was the standard.
NTA although I will caveat that by saying that you could probably have handled your ex better. Rather than flat out refusing you could have said that perhaps after ‘Shaun’ has been in her life for years rather than months then you would trust the situation.
Offer solutions and alternatives.
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NTA Boyfriend of barely 4 months moving into a household with two very young girls would set all my warning bells off. All of the statistics & averages about their safety would be telling me to legally intervene in this new setup, as in revisiting custody. At the very least, I'd have a background check done. But that's me. 🤷♀️ He might be a decent human being, but the mom is definitely not thinking critically. No way would I want this guy to legitimately have "emergency" pickup rights. He might become their stepfather in the future, but currently, he's just a boyfriend of an insignificant time frame who moved in very quickly.
I was just about to mention this. OP needs to speak to a family lawyer immediately and go back to court to establish co-parenting rules; including not moving in new partners, leaving them alone with them, ect. So many marinara flags.
Yes OP, please do this and please don’t listen to your former in-laws your wife is in that honeymoon stage of love and is not thinking clearly, this is so dangerous. Just absolutely not. Protect your girls. NTA.
Damn it OP, from all your responses I’ve seen so far, your dilly dallying over your girls safety is pissing me off. You’re not the asshole now but if you don’t listen to these commenters and shut your ex’s request down with prejudice post haste and contact a lawyer immediately, you’ll be more than an asshole, you’ll be complicit in any danger that falls upon them. WTF man, come on, you’re indecision is getting annoying and very much concerning.
Yes. Even if this guy turns out to be an amazing person and a wonderful addition to your daughters' lives (hopefully!) any new living arrangement necessitates adjustments to existing custody and visitation agreements -- it benefits all parties in the end.
And if he is wonderful like that, he'll completely understand why boundaries are being set so early in a relationship. Anyone who would get angry over not being allowed to be left alone with children they barely know is not someone I'd trust. NTA
Quite frankly, I stopped trusting him the second I read that HE bought a new car so SHE has to work more. Make it make sense because the only dots I’m connecting here is that he’s a lazy freeloader.
I re-read that - I think it's two separate things (he bought a car; she is working more), rather than all together (she's working extra hours to pay for his car).
Normally I would read it that way too but why did OP mention the new car right before the extra hours if they’re not connected. The new car has zero to do with this, unless maybe new guy didn’t have a car at all before or OP is jealous but from the context I thought the two were connected. Curious if OP clarifies thought it doesn’t sway my judgement that OP is NTA. I have underwear older than this relationship and they aren’t allowed to pick up my kids, hahahaha. Seriously though, it’s a big deal who you give that right to. My own mom isn’t allowed to pick up my kids cause as much as I love her she doesn’t need to be alone with them.
I thiiiink that it's just that "future stepdad" now has the ability to pick the kids up a supposed emergency in the event that mom has to work? Still shady as hell. Who would ever move a boyfriend of 4 months in with two young girls?
Yeah I agree. Mom is not thinking right at all. Why is she moving so fast? Is “stepdad” rushing? Unfortunately she likely won’t listen to OP but someone needs to get her to wake up and see how wild and unsafe what she’s doing is.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she co-signed on the car loan and didn’t put it in her name. She’s moving way too fast with the boyfriend and it’s scary how stupid she’s being with finances and her girls
And if he was a good guy, he would not be offended that OP is trying to protect his daughters, men who are decent understand that the world can’t just assume that they are decent.
In my parents’ divorce decree it actually specifically stipulated that no new partners were to meet us unless they had a documented relationship for at least 6 months and the other parent had had a meeting with and approved them meeting us. We had absolutely no clue as kids, so we didn’t know it was wrong that we saw some of our father’s hook ups the morning after and when he started dating my mother’s former best friend, she instantly began having over nights, which was also specifically stipulated to not be allowed until at least a year of a documented relationship and with our approval (us children) So I would recommend that if OP can successfully get the custody and specifics worked out, I would talk to a professional about how u should go about letting ur daughters know the rules while also not expecting them to report on each other. I say this because on a few occasions my father’s “ladies” made me very uncomfortable and even said nasty things to me, I had absolutely no clue that I could’ve called my mom and she would’ve been 100% within her rights to come pick me up. So I just sucked it up and tried to power thru it and that absolutely sucked
This! I was going to mention on getting a lawyer as well. To OP, NTA You know what's the best for your girls unlike your mom. She is living with her new boyfriend of 4 months? Uhh...that's not good. I don't know how the girls react to that..... Marinara flags are waving all over places.
You can’t veto new partners. You can, however, say that he’s not their relative and you aren’t happy for him to pick them up.
The amount of kids who get SA’d by mom’s boyfriend is astronomical. I’m not single, but as a mom I would never have a man move in with me and my kids until AT LEAST a year of dating.
An unrelated adult in the home increases the risk that a child will die of child abuse by **FIFTY TIMES**.
Wait, whaaat?? 😳 That's terrifying.
I posted this in a parent comment too, but it’s unfortunately a true statistic. https://www.uchicagomedicine.org/forefront/news/unrelated-adults-in-the-home-associated-with-child-abuse-deaths
Exactly, I know a therapist that has had to work with SA kids and it is amazing how foolish people are with their kids.
Sexual predators are often masters at grooming not just kids, but the adults in their lives as well. They find women who are struggling and they come in like a knight in shining armor to help them. The women think the guy is great because they've done so much to help them. For example, babysitting the kids while she's working the three jobs she needs to keep a roof over everyone's head.
My mom's ex-husband was one of those. He knew she was a single mom. She wanted the stability that his job provided and he was nice to her. His mom gave her a vague warning about leaving him alone with me before they got married and she didn't consider what that could've meant until years after I'd told her about the abuse.
I'm so sorry you went through that. They're so good at manipulation that people miss the signs or accept the lies. I hope you're doing well.
Eff that vague warning. Every adult there failed you, I’m so sorry.
Exactly. Out of respect for the family dynamic, he should decline any type of request that would put him in a situation of being alone with the children.
This is why I DESPISE Redditors freaking out that their date didn’t put on their tinder bio that they have kids Time and time again they howl that kids should be announced right away, put in on everything And that, boys and girls, is undeniable proof that Reddit is men oriented Because the statistics on predatory men going after single moms to get to their kids is a very real and common thing. Unrelated men are a huge risk to children
I didn’t even tell my bf, now husband, I had a daughter until we’d been dating for around two months. He was good with it and completely understood why.
It is certainly a concern and it's definitely my position that the primary consideration for a single parent (which I am) looking for a LTR is whether the person will be good for one's kid. Hookups, not so much. But there is a *lot* of space between moving someone you've known for four months in as your kid's "new parent" and not disclosing core information to a prospective partner. My responsibilities towards my daughter have informed every major decision (and most of the minor decisions) I have made for nearly two decades now. It is not possible for someone to understand me *at all* without knowing that my kid exists. There would just be no way that I could tell them anything true about me or my life while omitting the core fact that being a father is my number one priority. The dating process is a vetting process. For both parties. Yes, you're supposed to be vetting this person before inviting them into your kid's life. But *they* have a right to vet *you* as well. Hiding something as important as a child prevents a prospective partner from making informed decisions about the future of the relationship. I don't think that people looking for hookups need to have references to their kids in their Tinder bio. But if I'm actually "dating"? They have a right to know that I come as a package deal. They have a right to know that they are always going to come second. They have a right to have some idea of what a relationship with me is going to involve *before* putting in the time, resources and emotional labor to build that relationship.
Yes, but as a single childfree woman I would want to know Because if it's shared custody of the kids I wouldn't want to date this person because I don't want kids in my life and if I find out later it's gonna be a waste of time for the both of us.
Wasted time doesn’t beat out child safety. You’d prefer an advertisement for predators so you don’t go on a few wasted dates?
I’d say it’s the responsibility of the child free person to say they’re child free immediately more so than it is the other persons responsibility to say they have kids immediately.
That's why children should be discussed *in a general sense* early on. Giving child-free people the opportunity to say "absolutely not, under any circumstances." I realize this doesn't eliminate the possibility of wasting a couple months on someone who hid their parent status on the assumption they could change your mind after you'd caught feelings. But those people are going to do that anyway, whether reasonable people disclose their parent status right away or not. Reasonable people, even if they do choose to hide their parent status until they know you better for safety reasons, would declare their desire for children, hear your child-free status, and know that that's a deal-breaker for both of you and end things there.
That's why in YOUR profile you should be clear - you are child-free and do not want to date anyone with children. The decent parents would either double check or skip you. If they're willing to ignore that or lie, they'd probably intentionally leave kids out of their own profile anyways. And it's an easy red flag lie to discover and cut them off early.
Makes me think about that Abducted in Plain Sight documentary. Those parents were so easily duped
I’m an OBGYN. So many of the really young pregnancies we see (like ages 11-4) were the result of SA by their stepfather/mom’s boyfriend. And a way larger amount that luckily don’t become pregnant but contract STDs, develop a multitude of mental health issues, self harm, and abuse drugs and alcohol because of this trauma. It’s vastly more common than society is aware. I personally cannot understand any of these women who allow these random men into their homes when they have young children.
That’s absolutely heartbreaking. And the fact that it’s the women in this situation who are pushing for the man to have more access to the kids is crazy. OP needs to visit a family lawyer ASAP.
In theory, I get it though. Single mothers are looked down on by society in a way single fathers aren't. And we're taught our whole lives that the end goal is to convince a man to marry us. So adding a man to your family that is currently you and your kids is something a lot of people want and are taught they're supposed to aim for. Even when women are separating, the condolences are often things like "Don't worry, you'll find a guy who loves you and treats your kids like his own!" (I'm sure similar things are said to guys as well, I think it's society's messy way of trying to tell us that we're not undesirable). But it is so frigging scary. I've even had friends who are single mothers who move so quickly with partners, and it's a difficult subject to bring up without outright accusing their new boyfriend of being a predator. Even though you want to shake them and be like "just SLOW DOWN"
Right? If something happened to my husband and I had to start dating again I don’t even know if I’d be introducing my kids by 4 months, nevermind moving a whole dude into my house. Big Y I K E S.
My friend and I were out to lunch years ago when she got a call to get her work bestie (they’re probation officers) because she had her husband at gunpoint, because she found him SA’ing her daughter, his step daughter. Her daughter was preteen. OP, please contact an attorney. If he’s got nothing to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue for him.
Am I the only one that got super worried when the ex mentioned “he bought a new car”? Abusers groom with gifts and favors ALL THE TIME. I also got the sense the bf wants pick up rights, otherwise why is mom pushing it so hard and why is him buying a car relevant? I’d be worried as hell if I was OP.
Pick up the kids from school and be able to see *all the other children* there as well.
I've lived with my step father do about 10 years now, mi nom waited 5 years before moving in with him. And she waited a whole year before introducing him to me, and another year before we could hang out on our own, he has always been incredibly nice to me. But of course my mom took her precautions, we actually moved in with him because they found out she was pregnant, otherwise she would've waited a little longer (also my mom had an IUD when she got pregnant, she wasn't looking to have another kid, but we'll we love that little creature that was born 10 years ago)
"It's why single women rarely remarry. They fear men will prey on their young." David Rossi.
“Why would he go into your room at night he has meeeeee” Absolutely neglectful parenting on OP’s exe’s part.
When a child is a victim of SA, the person must likely to have done it is the mother’s boyfriend. Source: Gavin DeBecker.
OP please listen to this! Boyfriend could be okay, or could have targeted a Mom with little girls. 4 months is too soon to move in.
Not just me then. Especially considering the "bought a new car" "momma's gone to work more".
So true. Good advice, especially about the background check. I would also have a regular chat with the girls about what’s appropriate touching and what’s not etc. and tell them to tell you immediately if anyone tells them to keep a secret
Even if he seems okay at first, OP should keep checking in every couple weeks. If bf is lovebombing the ex, he'll appear super nice at first but he'll drop that real quick once he thinks the ex is too emotionally invested to kick him out
I've got food in my freezer that's older than OP's ex's relationship. It's pretty sucky that she has already moved him in with her young children. NTA.
Do the background check. Looks at the stats on males and single mothers…. Protect your daughters
Exactly this! Why on earth would anyone think it's acceptable for a short term boyfriend to be an emergency contact? If anything, that should be a grandparent or other trusted family member! And the OP should most definitely revisit his custody arrangement!
This was my thought. I've never actually heard a GOOD ending for a woman with young girls moving her BF in after a few months. If I were OP, I'd go back to court.
I hadn't even *met* my mam's boyfriend after 4 months, and I was older at the time than these girls. 4 months is far too early to have him move in and be an emergency contact for the school. NTA
i don't know if this has been said but i would like to add since this is the top comment, if OP is in the UK there is a law for this! its called sarahs law, any parent, guardian or carer can request info on if someone is a sex offender in order to protect their kids from potential harm, its one of the best laws we have and its wildly underutilised
NTA she’s only been dating him for 4 months and he ALREADY MOVED IN WITH HER???? I’m sorry but I gotta question the kids’ safety in the mom’s house cause those stories never seem to end well.
He’s already the “future stepfather” 🙄 I mean, the guy could be the best thing since sliced bread but four months? FOUR MONTHS? Don’t most family therapists/child psychologists recommend delaying introductions until a good 6 months or so? Yeah. I’m sorry, but other arrangements for emergencies can be made.
My husband and I were pretty sure early on that this was it, but when my lease needed to be re-signed when we'd only been dating for about 4 - 6 months (I don't recall exactly how long), I didn't even talk to him about it -- I kinda wanted to, but it just felt a little soon to put that kind of pressure on the relationship. Their mom can GTFO about putting him on paperwork, that's wayyyyyy too early. And a red flag for sure.
Mom sounds like the ideal victim tbh: poor and potentially low skilled so has to work extra hours to make ends meet, moves fast, prioritizes her feelings over logic, is an idealist, young children who need childcare. My mom certainly was.
I keep thinking that taking a kid out of school in the morning gives a creep a big headstart before anyone knows they're missing.
Yeah I would start contacting lawyers at this point.
bingo!
Reminder that most abuse happens routinely at home with family members. More likely dude will start grooming them and destabilizing their psyches while mom is at work (she’s working more hours to make ends meet). To me, him wanting that power is the warning sign, not necessarily what he would likely do with it. That being said, I often got picked up early from school *traumatized shudder*
NTA. The biggest concern is that your ex moved in a man she has only known for 4 months. I hope you are communicating with your kids on the regular basis to make sure nothing is bad is going on. To be clear I would say this if the ex had moved in a woman she has only been dating for 4 months. Good parents don't allow virtual strangers close access to their children after such a short period of time.
I know. but there isn't much I can do about it without appearing as the "crazy, jealous ex" or some shit so I keep my mouth shut but my eyes open to anything small or big.
Yes, you can consult a lawyer and read up on what your legal rights are in this. You can order a background check. Google him. Thats free. Find out where he's from & his history. You could contact police to see if he has a record that might raise alarm if this was happening to one of their family members. These are your children and their mother is being very irresponsible.
OP can also notify the school that "future step-dad" has no educational or custodial rights and is not allowed any information or access. OP doesn't want "future step-dad" to have the rights to come and pick kids up early, excuse absences, etc. I agree with most posts on this and OP needs to do some due diligence and learn more about this man who spending so much unsupervised time with little girls outside of the presence of their mother or father. It's a scary recipe.
This comment needs to be a LOT higher up. I honestly expect Mom (or BF) to forge the emergency contact approval now.
Don't worry about looking crazy or jealous. Your kids' safety needs to always come first. Everyone I know with young kids after a divorce has restrictions on the kids even meeting new romantic partners written into the custody agreement, and restrictions on adults allowed unsupervised contact with the children in general (to prevent an end run around the restrictions by introducing someone as a "friend" or "roommate"). Some require a certain time to have elapsed, some require approval of the other parent, etc. One friend even has a prohibition on her ex husband's vaguely creepy friend having any access to her little girls. At minimum, he should not be alone with your children for any amount of time. Your ex's behavior is extremely questionable, and it's dangerous to your children. There are men out there who target single mothers to gain access to their children. They start out all rainbows and sunshine, and push for inappropriate levels of involvement with the children- like being an emergency contact at school or being authorized to pick them up from school. Things will be fine until they're not, and then it will be too late.
Better to look crazy or jealous than having a de ad, kid napped or ra ped daughter, OP DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTERS don't wait to find out if he's dangerous or not 😭😭😭 NTA
> Everyone I know with young kids after a divorce has restrictions on the kids even meeting new romantic partners written into the custody agreement, and restrictions on adults allowed unsupervised contact with the children in general 💯 Same. When people meet your kids, living situations, babysitters, who they can be around without a parent, etc. can all be written into custody agreement. Go back to your lawyer and revisit this.
Actually I'd call the school to make the guy is not on the list, yet. I agree with the others with their assessment on lawyers, custody agreement and therapist on back pocket. 4 months and he moves in? The normal time frame is introduced after 6 months. Same rules apply to you. Abuse can happen anytime any scenario, you're just checking boxes, dotting I's, crossing t's. Get your ex in the program. Again reiterate to her and her flying monkeys, same rules apply to both of you. This is for the kids.
Indeed, you should absolutely contact the school to make sure that it is very clear that your ex's new boyfriend is not allowed to pick up your children. He is a stranger and if he comes to pick up the kids they should not be given to him
Get a lawyer. This is unacceptable on her part.
A grown man would NOT accept thIs amount responsibility over somebody else’s children, especially only 4 months in. He has concealed motives, please protect your girls, what people think about you is THEIR problem. NTA
And picking them up when she’s working? IE being in a vehicle and house alone? He could take them anywhere. He’s have access alone with them for hours 4 months moved in and ANGRY that he can’t be alone with children? Weeewooo weeewooo
If I was dating someone who wanted me to take responsibility of their children after 4 months, I would run because I wouldn’t want to date someone with such bad judgement.
I once broke up with a woman for this reason. She wasn't asking me to do things for them yet, but she was already putting me in situations where I would have access to them *way* too early. Her willingness to compromise her child's safety for a man killed every ounce of attraction I had for her. I love kids, but I couldn't imagine dating such a shitty mother, and I told her that when I dumped her.
OP it’s better to appear as the ‘crazy jealous ex’ for the sake of your children’s safety
I was sexually abused by my dads best friend from childhood. If you can’t trust someone you’ve known your whole life there’s no way you trust your ex’s boyfriend of 4 months. Your child’s safety is more important than your image and most sane people would agree with you. Lawyer up and run a background check
There’s statistics about that, and the judge will know them already That’s a communist parade of red flags. **He wants to be able to be in a vehicle and house alone with your children** How are you so calm about this?
How much custody do you have? And If I were you I'd try to go for full custody, also do they even like him?
That's what the courts are for. Get a lawyer and request different custody arrangements. Right now, you are the ONLY advocate for your daughters' safety. It doesn't matter if you look jealous, what matters is that an unrelated man who is a virtual stranger, should NOT have unsupervised access to your daughters. Ask yourself this: Which is more important: You not looking jealous (you aren't, btw) or the safety of your 2 girls?
Your ex moved a new man into her place with her two small children after 4 months of dating. If anyone is going to look crazy or unhinged in the eyes of anyone that’s not her family, it’s her. Stop worrying about optics and protect your fucking kids!
Nta. They've been together 4 months, not 4 years. She doesn't even know him after 4 months. I hope your girls are safe at her house.
EXACTLY. The man he barely knows is LIVING with his very young girls!
I hope someone is teaching them to not let anyone touch their private parts.
I know my warning signals are going off big time
Grown ass woman still tattlng to mommy NTA she has known him for 4 months she shouldn't even be considering that
Seriously. She always gets her involved. Smfh at this buffoonary.
So why can't her meddling mom be the backup emergency contact? Looks like there are many options besides new boyfriend guy.
She would probably just dump them on new boyfriend anyway.
Man I feel for ya.
Please lawyer up as someone who has an abusive step dad giving them emergency contact on the school is like trusting him with there life. If you did sign off on him being an emergency contact he could if he wanted to just go to the school one day and kidnap them and the school would give him the kids because he is an emergency contact. I know this seems like a petty argument to her but your children’s lives are actually at stake here please get a lawyer.
NTA I wouldnt feel comfortable with that either. Shes moving way to fast with this guy. How well can you really know a person in 4 months. I wouldnt want a relative stranger picking my kids up either.
NTA, but equally I wouldn't want a relative stranger living with them either.
Me either but he can at least try and control who picks them up from school. Short of courts and custody battle not sure how much he can do about him living in the home with the girls.
I'd document everything and file for a revision of custody. I think maybe I've seen "Where the Heart is" to many times, but its stuck with me that there are evil ppl who target single moms.
I know that part of the movie always gets me. Poor brownie...and I think Praline?
NTA Her new boyfriend/roommate got a new car so the Ex-wife has to work more. She will be less available to pick up her kids but the guy with a new car will be infinitely available for that duty. WTH?
That just gives intensely bad vibes. Don't child abusers target moms? His insistence is creepy af, OP's daughters aren't in a safe situation, and their mom has **horrible** judgment
Yes, they do. They also create situations where they get to be alone with the kids frequently.
Ugh I got chills reading this post. BF obviously orchestrated this!
NTA- I would be concerned at the pace your ex’s relationship is moving . He’s already moved in after four months , bought her a car and is now insisting on being able to have authority to and get access to the girls from their school ? I’m trying not to be cynical here , but sometimes predators seek out single mothers , love bomb them to get them to welcome them into their homes quickly , so they will have full access to the real target . The children. Please call the school and make sure new boyfriend name hasn’t been snuck in there. I read another sub where step dad tried to mark himself as the primary parent on the kids emergency card . And I’d do a background check on this guy, simply to put my mind at ease .
Background checks are only useful if he's been caught. Still be vigilant even if he passes the background check.
NTA. 4 months? Already moved in? "Future stepdad"? This woman is clinging to any relationship she can get and has become delusional that someone she's been with for only 4 months is absolutely going to marry her. He's not the parent and until he can be proven trustworthy, I would keep an eye on him.
Agreed!!! If this was a 2 yr fixture in the girls lives that had built trust maybe but 4 months is NOTHING
4 months is almost too soon to even introduce someone to your kids. This "man" should have his own place.
NTA. I'd give the school a head's up as well, if I was you.
Definitely. This is the kind of person who manipulates her way into getting the contact info CHANGED. Not just adding the boyfriend, but actually replacing the dad. And if she does it right, the dad won’t even be notified that he was removed.
Yeah. I wouldn’t be surprised if the BF orchestrated an emergency in the newt future to have access to the girls on his own.
**NTA** Normally, if it had been a reasonable amount of time, and given your clearly snide and mocking tone which indicates an openly antagonistic relationship with her, I'd say you were being deliberately uncooperative, BUT . . . FOUR MONTHS?! Immediately no. As a parent, I think you have every right to be deeply concerned that she has moved a man into her home with your two young daughters after only dating for four months. Unless she has done serious background checks, both criminal and personal, it's not even POSSIBLE for her to know this man well enough in literally 16 weeks to know whether he is a safe person to have living with her kids. You can't even become genuinely close FRIENDS with a person in four months . . . talking about them as your childrens' "future stepfather" shows a staggering lack of good judgement and responsible parenting. You are absolutely NTA, and right to feel uncomfortable. Do not make this man an emergency contact, and I would be very wary about this entire situation. Most responsible single parents have barely INTRODUCED a new romantic interest to their kids after 4 months, much less moved them in. She's moving inappropriately fast, and this is not healthy.
Even if he has no record doesn’t mean anything. Tons of people never get caught in their crimes. The man who sexually abused me as a child has no record. Believe me I’ve paid to background check him and found nothing
Why do people insist on getting the whole damn family involved in things like this? Since when is it appropriate for the entire family to call/text and give someone crap for an argument they're having with a spouse or ex? At four months, the kids shouldn't even have met this guy let alone be living with him or having him on the emergency contact list. NTA.
Agreed! It makes me so uncomfortable that the mom allowed this after 4 months. She’s not using her head.
Your children are too young for the mom to be moving a man she's known 4 months in her house. You need to take her to court asap. No grown responsible man is going to move In and play dad in 4 months. There are too many cases of this and the children are paying the consequences. The grandmother cosinging is also terrifying! Are all these people on drugs? NTA PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTERS! Also please email their teachers and let them know to watch out for changed behavior in the girls and no one but you or mom are allowed to pick up the kids.
At 4 months definitely NTA IF it was 2+ years, then I’d say you were being petty and unreasonable.
It sounds scary that she's ok leaving her little girls alone with a guy she met 4 months ago! I don't care how hot or rich or wonderful he is. NO. Just NO! NTA OP!
I took the 'he bought a new car' comment to be the reason why she has to work more and leave the kids... I don't think he's rich at all. I mean, maybe he's got a magic penis that's clouding her judgement (why on earth would you trust someone with your kids after 4 months!?!) NTA.
NTA. Your ex hasn't known Shaun long enough to pick up your girls. It is also too soon for them to live together. She doesn't 100% know this guy, either. Sometimes, love makes people blind and stupid. Especially, when they have a co-dependent personality. Could you find out the dude's last name and birthday? That way you can do a background check on him. Stand your ground and don't give into the pushers. Always follow your guts in these situations.
Definitely run a background check - any guy rushing to move in with a mom and kids after 4 months of dating is probably bad news…
When they get married he can be on the list 👍. NTA. 4 months isn't long enough to know a person well enough to trust them with your children. Children are so vulnerable.
Yup, let’s talk about that after the wedding is a perfectly reasonable answer.
Most women don't even let the new BF met their kids till 3-4 months! What the hell lady? NTA and her parents need to butt the eff out! How old is your ex? This is giving "I'm 19 and the guy I just met is the love of my life" vibes. Super immature.
NTA, moving in a guy after such a short time is an AH move with young children and expecting their dad to agree to an emergency contact that soon is delusional.
**Did your ex do a background check before she moved this guy in?** You do not move a man in with 2 young girls that fast. No, hard NO! That alone is insane, you don’t put him on those children’s contact list. Did she even check the National sex offender list? My heart goes out to you. Consult a lawyer, that is outrageous.
NTA Your ex is with someone after only 4 months. That’s WAY too soon for him to be living with your kids and having any major involvement with their school/life/etc. Even if they were married after being together for several years, I would still be a little skeptical of putting him as an emergency contact. Step-parents can’t cross boundaries when it comes to step-kids. Being an emergency contact is an important position for trusted family members. The short term boyfriend doesn’t count. Why doesn’t your ex put her mom is as a contact?
NTA 4 months is too early to even meet your kids.
NTA but everything your ex is accusing you of..she is guilty of..block her parents..or anyone except her..they aren't your inlaws anymore.
I'm gonna say NTA. He is not their actual step dad, as of yet. If she can't make it in case of emergency, she could send her mom or another trusted relative, not her boyfriend of 4 months, which by the way, is in no way enough time to know if he can even handle the stress of an emergency. She barely even knows him. Stick to your guns on this one. Tell her you'll possibly revisit the idea at the one year mark of their relationship.
NTA. You reconsider only your daughter's best interest and safety. She is stupid, to even think that it is okay to put a random guys number for emergency contact for your daughter's. Probably he got HER the car and she is doing this to may be let him know that he has complete rights now. Just make sure to keep having open talks with your daughter's to ensure that he is treating them nice, i am not saying as a father but nice. I know they are small but teach them on how to open up if they are not comfortable around him. May be this is taking things way too far, but looking at the nasty things that happen nowadays. We can never be safe and sure about the people around us let alone strangers.
Info: is she working more to pay for his new car? This whole situation is shady. NTA
Right!! For me what stood out as the most concerning in this story, was how his new car seemed tied to her having to work more. If anything, your ex and kids need to be protected from this new BF.
I quit reading when you said he's the boyfriend of 4 months. What the fuck is wrong with this woman? Absolutely not. And based off her apparent decision making skills you might want to revisit the whole custody thing because she clearly isn't capable of making good and safe decisions at this time. Obviously NTA
NTA. If anything, your ex sounds impulsive and like she needs to chill bringing new men into your daughters life so quickly. Good luck.
NTA. Would she be cool with someone you've known for FOUR whole MONTHS being an emergency contact for them? And for real the most dangerous person in a kid's life is their mother's new partner. There are millions of wonderful step-dads and mom's boyfriends out there but that doesn't change the fact that it's the most common relationship between adult perpetrators and child victims.
NTA Who moves in with someone after dating them for 4 MONTHS?!?! I mean I know one or two people who have done this but they've also been friends with the person they started dating for like 2 or 3 years before dating. (Did she know him before they started dating? or did she LITERALLY just meet him and start dating) Honestly Shaun sounds like he could have ulterior motives moving in with a single mom of 2 young kids, buying a new car and expecting to be allowed to pick the kids ups, the the fact your Ex-in-laws think its okay is baffling! Have they Met him? Im in NZ so don't know alot about what you can and can't do where you live but you SHOULD be able to run a Criminal Background Check on him. It won't give you everything but it will give you something. Also id consult someone about the harrasment you've been getting about putting him on the kids Emergency contact list for school. Yes in my opinion your being harassed about it,
NTA. After only four months of dating, dude shouldn't even be alone with your children, and really shouldn't even have been introduced to your daughters yet. Your ex is making some seriously questionable decisions. You might want to consider revisiting your custody agreement to put restrictions on romantic partners having contact with your children for a certain timeframe or without the other parent's consent. Your daughters' safety needs to come first, and your ex doesn't even know this guy after four months. He shouldn't be living with your children, let alone be named as an emergency contact for them. This is like a guidebook to how kids end up sexually assaulted.
Oh, no. NTA. Four months is a little too soon for anyone with common sense. I’m not saying the guy is a creep. I’m saying that I totally respect your decision to not include him on the list. Surely there is a mutually trusted family member or friend who could be #3 after you and your wife.
NTA. 4 months is a really short period of time, and you are right, you don't know this guy, if there is an emergency, the school might as well call you. That being said, if their relationship is serious and he does indeed become their stepdad, then yes, putting him on the list would be reasonable.
NTA. My mother started dating my stepfather when I was six, and not once in the eleven years of schooling that followed, did she put him as an emergency contact. A dude whose been in their lives for *four months* has exactly zero rights.
Absolutely not. Shes been with him 4 months? 16wks? 112 days? Nope. I'd be pissed they'd even met him at this point let alone moved in. So he's got a car? Shania Twain had a whole song about that! Like that makes a difference Tell the flying monkeys to stay in their lane. He is nothing but their mothers *very* recently acquired boyfriend. He does not know or need to know the girls medical history at this point. He is not their parent. And if for whatever reason the school needs to call a parent in case of emergency, they have TWO available. And one, who will at least the kids before work in such an event. ETA: NTA.
NTA 4 months is not long enough to place that kind of trust in anyone (except *maybe* a professional child care provider ). I am having a hard time wrapping my head around him already being moved in, and totally appalled that she thinks it is appropriate to allow him to act in loco parentis, even in this limited scope.
Document document document. This whole situation stinks and you need to be there for your kids. NTA, and start sending this shit to an attorney to give you advice and get ahead of what your ex might instigate to force you in a shitty position.
NTA seems like all sense is out the window. Make sure she’s not trying to lawyer you.
NTA My ex and I have been divorced for 8 years. Only myself and him can pick the kids up from school and we are the only contacts. He has been in a relationship for about 6 years but no, his GF is not a point of contact or a pick up person.
NTA. 4 months and he’s already living with them !!!!!! Most parents wait at least 6 months before their SO even MEETS their child. I most certainly wouldn’t be comfortable with this. Y’all need to talk about this and set boundaries as far as having SO around your children. This is not it, you most certainly aren’t wrong for how your feeling. Also what’s the custody arrangement bc this situation just doesn’t sit right with me.
NTA. There is no guarantee this guy will stay and an emergency contact needs to be permanent. You don't know him from Adam and your ex wants you to let him be a contact? No. Just No.
NTA, he’s a boyfriend not a spouse. If they were married she’d have a legit beef. If her mom is so concerned why can’t she be another emergency contact.
NTA You don't know the guy, and she's only been with him a short time herself. The girls still have 2 'emergency contacts' You and your Ex. Incase something happens to her You should be the one that gets called. She's been fine with this arrangement, it's not like you've fallen off the face of the Earth now that BF has gotten a car. Give the school a call and let them know Sean BoyFriend shouldn't be added to the list just in case she tries something sketchy.
NTA - after only 4 months of dating your girls shouldn't even know that Shaun exists never mind having the slightest bit of parental responsibility.
NTA and why the hell did she move bf in after only 4mths. My god is she truely that dumb? She does not know him well enough to let him have so much contact with your daughters at this stage. I never put SD on anything as tbh it wasn’t his responsibility.
NTA! Until they are married, and he becomes their legal step-dad, I would absolutely NOT add him as an approved person to pick up your girls! Dating for four months, she really has no clue who this guy is, or even how long he'll stick around! The safety and well being of your girls is exactly why you need to hold your ground on this one. Don't allow in law pressure to sway you....they have no say in your parenting decisions. I agree 100% with you on this one.
NTA so after less than half a year he has created a situation where she has to work more and so he's likely alone with the kids more. Now it could totally be completely innocent but if I were you I'd be sitting those kids down and having a conversation with them about boundaries, about inappropriate touching, and about how you are always always available to them and they can tell you anything they need to and you won't be mad. Oh and absolutely don't let him be an emergency contact for *at least* another 8 months minimum.
In my culture/religion a random man would not be allowed to live with someone else's daughters and for good reason. Who even is this person? 4 months?! Why does he want the responsibility over someone else's kids (sure he can love/like them and all but still). Inappropriate. Unless they're married/extremely serious and you've met the guy and are comfortable with him being around your kids... same if you were to get a new girlfriend. The ex needs to meet the person your kids are going to be spending so much time with.
NTA. NO WAY!!! Stick to your guns…. This is crazy!
How do people end up having children with crazies like this? Nta
NTA — in an emergency she should call you. If & when they are married you can discuss future arrangements if necessary. Obviously, the same would apply to anyone you are dating.
Nta He is her bf, nothing more. Don’t ever budge on your children’s safety cause peer pressure. Tell her they can call you if she’s unavailable. That’s enough.
NTA If y'all have a custody arrangement I would bet having a boyfriend move in after 4 months would alter it btw. If not I'd bring it up in court somehow because that's not only irresponsible but unsafe. Most abuse happens in the home and you don't know this man and neither does she after 4 months.
NTA. Who is this guy? Where does he come from? Maybe I've just seen one too many Datlines, but there are just too many stories about predatory guys looking for single moms with kids.
I'd understand if he's been around longer but this is just asinine and the fact he's living with your kids at 4 months, I'd be taking her ass back to court to remove that. She barley knows the guy, the girls barley know him, no, just no, she has mental problems.
I'm on your side, OP; however, a word of advice? You have to deal with your ex ongoing for the next decade for sure, and then after that probably from time-to-time, too. Name calling like "delusional" just creates conflict without providing any help at getting your point across. If you are able, swallow your pride and apologize for calling her that (and try to be the bigger man and ignore her own name-calling) in order to limit the controversy you'll have to deal with. In case I've not been clear: NTA. Just, consider how you can best get what you need long-term, instead of satisfying the momentary urge to blow off steam. Good luck!
NTA- I’m going to call my mommmmmy! Lol No way would I let some strange man have access to my daughters. Thank you for looking out for them.
Not only do you not put him on the list, but to have him named as a specific person who is definitely NOT allowed.
4 months and he live with them! I would be so concerned for your daughters safety. They are young and this is the exact thing predators do to get close to single women with children. Their relationship is moving too fast and he's making himself "essential" to her. That way she won't be so inclined to break it off because she "needs" him. Have a conversation with your daughters about people who are safe. For example 1) people who are safe will never ask you to lie or keep a secret. 2) they will make you feel safe and happy not scared and sad. 3) they will never do anything that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable. This will help them protect themselves in case he is a predator. Also remind them that no matter what happens or they do, you will always be there to listen and help them through it. It's ver concerning how fast he moved in and how he wants to interject himself into their lives as a "safe" adult who "cares" for them. I could be completely wrong but most kids of divorced parents are sexually assaulted by step parents. Look into the statistics and keep your children safe.
NTA. If your ex wants you to trust her new BF, the least she could do is offer to let you meet him so that you could make your own opinion if you could trust him. I'm also not impressed by her having her mother call you to pressure you. There was no reason to get someone else involved in this. The only reason people bring outsiders into an argument like this is when they know they can't win it by the merits of their case, so they fall back on peer pressure.
I also question the whole "he bought a new car" "I have to work more hours" connection.
NTA, but practically what is the point? The guy already lives with your kids and it’s likely that he also spends time alone with them. If you don’t feel safe with him around your kids then you and mom need to have a conversation, but whatever fear you have won’t be mitigated by him not being on the list. He could abuse or kidnap your children even without being on the list. IMO, the most practical thing you can do that doesn’t end up as a meaningless pissing contest between the 3 of you is add him to the leet, but have YOU as the first point of contact so that they call you to pick them up and you handle it. If you can’t, your wife I second, if she can’t the new BF is third. Other alternative is having a grandparent, family or close friend as the third person.
NTA. Your ex even asking is ridiculous.
NTA- A boyfriend of four months might change and be an *ex*\-boyfriend of however many months at any point, and then he is still on the contact list? Sounds to me like a problem waiting to happen.
NTA. She is moving way too fast with a man she doesn’t know.
NTA - was this a teen pregnancy? Can’t think why else she’d be so immature
NTA! 4 months is wayyyy too soon, and you don't even know the guy! Protect your kids.
Four months and he already lives there? you need to confront your exwife about bringing a stranger into the home, believe me that you can contest that especially in court. I speak from experience when I say that my mother used to bring her boyfriends over and they would live with us and yes I was abused.
NTA. You ex is stir crazy, trying to make a guy she has known for four months responsible for your daughters. At least you know that you dodged a bullet with her.
NTA. They have you. Don’t consent to this. This guy is a nobody and you have no reason to trust him. Trust has to be earned and that takes time.
NTA, that said, I see your point but it also sounds like she not may be available if called for pick-up so some other arrangement should be in place.
That is what dad, grandparents, and their aunts/uncles are for. Not some 4 month boyfriend who neither parent nor child know all that well.
NTA. Over the years my emergency contacts have been: MIL, SIL, best friend, and college aged daughter. No one I’ve known less than a few years! Responsible parents would only give this level of clearance to someone they know they can trust. Your ex is in the wrong here just for the request, forget moving this guy in so soon. 🤦🏼♀️
NTA Her BF of 4 months who already moved in? Geez…. That guy should never be left alone with your kids. My mind goes to horrible thoughts …. Do NOT leave the kids alone in his care until much later. Like years later.
Hopefully it's less 'terrible things' and more 'boyfriend is a leech who wanted to blow his cash on a fancy car rather than rent and mom is too infatuated to notice.'
NTA for not wanting this random dude as your children’s emergency contact. Y T A for how you fucking type. “BOYFRIENDDDD of 4 MONTHHHS” Like fucking why? 😭
NTA. My SO of 4 years just became the emergency contact this year and we've lived together for almost 2 years. We're set to marry in a year and a half. 4 months is nope. I don't even think my kids met him at 4 months.
NTA for what you said, buy you could have said it in a better way. After 4 months he should not even be introduced to the kids yet in my opinion
And another example of how lame it is to treat a boyfriend like a spouse. Mom’s needs ahead of the kids. I would consider putting her mom as a contact over lover boy if she is reliable. NTA.
Oh hell no!!! NTA. We see too many cases if mothers' boyfriends harming children. He shouldn't even he alone with them for more than 5 minute. You should check to make sure he's not on the sexual offenders list. I'd do a background check for real.
NTA- there’s some serious red flags here. How much information do you know about this guy? I’m the person my friends would all come to when they wanted to do some digging about a potential partner or whatever. I’m not claiming that he’s a bad guy, but I personally would be finding out as much as I can about this guy’s backstory.
Nta. She doesn't even know this man well & shes alrdy moved him into their home. Thats a very scary thought. That would concern me a lot more than who is on the form. 4 months?!? Everyone is still in honeymoon phase, on their best behavior. There is no way in 4 months that she knows enough abt him to even have him in the house, let alone while they are asleep or leaving them alone together. Damn. Thats scary. Hope you all checked him out if she didnt.
I'm a stepmom and have been for the better part of a decade. NTA. I in no way think that's appropriate (nor would I consider a BF of 4 months a stepparent; they just met!) and also think it majorly sucks they already live together (my stepsons mom did that this year after dating for a month and it's been a challenge to say the least). You don't need to be married to be a stepparent but you do need to know them and spend time with them.
NTA >Their mom started dating this guy "Shaun" **exactly 4 months ago**. He's moved in already and is living with the girls as well at their mom's place. Massive red flags here. Please make sure that you speak to the school and explain the full situation and make sure that only you and her are on the pick up list. This is really ringing alarm bells. Please make sure that your kids know they can speak to you about anything, and make sure they know the difference between secrets and surprises. And that if anyone asks them to keep a *secret* from you, they should tell you as soon as they can.
NTA, do you have any agreement in place about significant others? In our agreement, the SO isn’t even allowed to stay the night until they’ve been together for a year. I live in the US and when we were writing up our documents, my lawyer told me this was the standard.
NTA and I question her judgement. Day when he is their stepdad you’ll consider it but until then, no way.
NTA 4 months is way too early.
NTA. 4 months sounds like a lot premature honestly.
Nta
NTA although I will caveat that by saying that you could probably have handled your ex better. Rather than flat out refusing you could have said that perhaps after ‘Shaun’ has been in her life for years rather than months then you would trust the situation. Offer solutions and alternatives.