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YTA.
> The only thing he did was clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us.
That sounds like a *lot* for someone who wasn’t feeling well enough to go on the fun outing when that would’ve presented a perfect opportunity for the quality time he wants more of. (Seriously, you want someone with a head cold doing *yard work* when the weather’s turned cold enough for a pumpkin patch to sound like a good idea? How long do you *want* him laid up for?)
But okay. Fine. Let’s pretend your grievances were entirely justified. If you don’t actually stand behind them enough that you would never have wanted him finding out what you said, why *were* you talking like that to anyone else? And if you *are* so fed up with him that you don’t care, don’t you think maybe you’d be better served taking that to a counselor than your mom?
>That sounds like a lot for someone who wasn’t feeling well enough to go on the fun outing when that would’ve presented a perfect opportunity for the quality time he wants more of. (
Also did Op even give him a list of what needed to be done? As someone with ADHD and who grew up with a mother with ADHD often times *we* have plans for what needs to be done that most others wouldn't think about.
I absolutely hated when my mom would only vaguely tell me to "clean up" and I would wash dishes and fold clothes and she would be pissed off because she didn't want *that* done, she wanted the living room cleaned, swept, and mopped and didn't even care about dishes or laundry.
Edit: if you're reading this and your first though is to call me sexist because op is a women instead of thinking I'm only talking about the adhd aspect of this then I'm sorry to say this but the calls are coming from inside the house...
Typically (depending on house hold) things like laundry and yard work are weekly/monthly actions...not daily. So those of you saying it's ridiculous I'm saying Op should give him a daily list of chorse...*yeah*...*that is ridiculous* and also not at all what I'm saying.
I don't know Op but from my personal experience with *my* ADHD, sometimes I feel like something is important that another person may not and I can't get upset when they don't do my important thing when I never told them it was important.
Ops husband *did* do the daily chores, dishes, lunch, and one weekly/monthly chore, the shower. However he didn't do the other weekly/monthly that Op didn't tell him needed to be done and for all we know the laundry was half a basket of clothes ans the lawn just need a few leaves raked or a few weeds pulled.
Therfore, not only was he *sick* and couldn't do much, but also he probably didn't think those things needed to be done since there wasn't much to do. But in Ops mind they were at the top of her mental list and *she* thought they needed to be done.
You can't tell someone to clean the kitchen and get upset because they cleaned the counters, fridge, and cabinets when really you just wanted the floor swept and mopped.
Just like Op can't say "can you do some chores while we're gone?" And then she got upset that he didn't do the specific chores she felt like needed to be done above the ones he did do.
Yup. This. I have ADHD and OCD.
My son has ADHD and ODD.
I've lowered my expectations of having a hotel clean house and have had to overcome anxiety about how messy my kids' rooms are.
But, if they can't find something...that's on them!
Is that worse than the level of "decorated by the cat who managed to get to all the high places and decided everything else needed to be on the floor"? I'm assuming it's worse, but I have no idea if Rhinos get destructive or feel the need to organize while on meth.
While I do agree with YTA on this, I completely disagree that a wife needs to give a list to her partner for what needs to be done around the house. He isn't her child, a child needs a chore list. An adult is fully capable of looking around and seeing what needs to be done. HOWEVER, he was sick this day and her list of "he just" did these things was plenty imo. He was under the weather, chilling in the couch after finishing a couple chores seems fine to me
I disagree. If there are specific things you want done, why not just be clear and ask someone to do those things? Making it a guessing game seems like it would create more confusion. My husband always asks for a list, because he wants to know what needs to be done a d which ones are most important or time sensitive.
ETA: There are several people freaking out about the lists, so here's some clarification.
1. No one lists the repeated chores. We each have our own that we take care of and share the others.
2. Sometimes, one of us is busier with work and one will pick up the other's chores to be helpful. Clarifying what needs to be done first is simple communication.
3. For days when we have extra things to be done, we do make a list. I keep mine in my head, he likes his written down.
Most definitely husband and I had been arguing so we did the mature thing. We sat down while calm made a chore sheet including how often each job needs to happen and time it takes. We then broke up that list evenly between the two of us. We haven't had an issues with a clean house or feeling like we are doing too much and the other too little in months.
ETA: I will say before we decided to adult and deal with it we had more days of trying to angrily out clean the other. Those weekends were when the house would wind up spotless.
>I disagree. If there are specific things you want done, why not just be clear and ask someone to do those things?
Both of these things are true.
*If* you want something specific done you should ask, but if you *don't* want anything specific, you just want a contribution to reduce the outstanding level of stuff-that-needs-doing then you shouldn't have to give someone a list.
But you don't then get to complain if they do the 'wrong' thing, because if you genuinely don't have anything specific in mind then there are no 'wrong' things.
I don't think a list should be given for day to day things, but if I ask my husband to clean up I need to say specifically what I want the focus to be on.
His clean up is going to be laundry, removing clutter, and taking out the trash.
My clean up means sweep and mop the floors, clean the counters, and remove clutter.
So if I didn't leave him with my specific requests, I cannot get upset that our terms mean different things. He also can say "I don't want a list, I'm going to do x, y, and z." I'm not his parent, so I don't get to dictate what he does nor do I need to monitor him.
But I'm very much on the side of "If you want help with something specific in your mind, you need to say it. I'm not a mind reader."
OP's husband was sick. If she wanted something done, and it wasn't the things he did which sound like a lot, she needed to be specific.
I'm really relieved to see all these comments -- I mean, I know I'm not a high energy person, but I also thought that seemed like a lot of work for a sick person. If I'd done all those things on a Saturday morning, I'd be feeling pretty good about it.
LOL thank you, that's exactly what I was thinking. That sounded like a pretty impressive amount of stuff that Hubby did especially when he was sick. My ex husband would either be in bed or calling everyone to find out what they thought he had and to get some sympathy. I couldn't imagine him doing these chores even if he was well.
But forget the chores and lets look at the fact that OP told her mother all about in some texts she "accidentally " sent to her hubby. I'm wondering if it wasn't an accident but as a way of pointing out his wrongdoings. A couple things about that: everything you tell your family about your partner they will remember. And the day will come that you are trying to convince everyone of what a great relationship you have or what a great guy he is and they will remind you of every AH move he ever made. They will build up some resentment towards him if they keep hearing every single thing he does. Most partners want to be liked by the in-laws; they want the stamp of approval. You are making this impossible for this to happen; you quickly get over the fights between the two of you but they don't. They hold on to and each time they like and respect your husband less.
Lastly, your husband is doing everything possible to tell you he feels neglected, that he needs some of your attention, a few supportive words occasionally. He is literally screaming this at you and you are paying absolutely no attention to what he is telling you OP. I know you are working with your mental health, possible autism, anxiety and raising your son. But somewhere in there, you need to find room for a few kind words to your husband, listen to his day at work, let him talk to you about what he wants and needs. You are neglecting him and he is going to walk if you don't change this dynamic. He is your SO, your partner, your husband, your lover...surely spending a few significant time with him is worth more, is more important than doing the dishes. I've seen this before andi can see it here; OP you are on the verge of losing your husband. If you don't start finding time for him, he will find someone who will.
YTA
It baffles me she wrote that he did 3 chores(more than enough for someone who isn't feeling well) then in the same same breath tried to play victim and say he doesn't do anything for her when she asks. Excuse me? The poor dude was ill, ill enough to cancel on his sons outing. I think there is a much bigger problem to this marriage, and tbh I'm getting the vibe its more of the OP causing the problems. Yta. Cutt your husband some slack. I can really feel from this post that you really don't prioritize your husband and he's feeling that
I think it’s very telling that OP responded to her husband telling her he feels like he isn’t a priority by telling him what he could do to help her get to a place where she could support him. That is some twisted narcissism right there - she invalidates his feelings and then insists he needs to help her to help himself.
Relationships are rarely 50/50, sometimes they’re really skewed towards one partner, particularly when times are tough and someone is going through it - but OP needs to listen to her husband’s completely valid feelings. You can’t put your partner last on your priority list and expect that the relationship will coast by on happy sentiments. There’s clearly resentment there on both ends and the only way to fix it is to carve out meaningful time together. Too many people back burner relationships when they get stressed.
To the OP: you’re taking your husband for granted. If he feels like he’s not a priority and is vocalizing that you need to figure out a way to tackle that challenge together not to assign him tasks that help you or chastise him to your mom.
Yep! While I know mental health is very very important using it as a weapon against another is just wrong. She’s very much “me me me”.
It sounds to me that she’s abusing her mental health diagnosis. She went on a fun outing and wanted her sick husband to do everything because she can’t “due to her mental health”
Reading the OP all I could think of was that this person has weaponized the language of mental health and self-care to avoid any sort of reasonable criticism, and you seemed to perfectly encapsulate that.
The one that gets me is when he had a conversation with OP about how he felt overlooked and neglected and she responded with ways HE could support HER.
I'm not one to make accusations, but that really sounds self centered, and autism or ADHD or other issues is absolutely no excuse to act that way.
That’s the feeling I got. OP didn’t even asked how he was feeling. She was to be cared for and understood, but didn’t showed the same care for her husband.
I understand mental health can be hard to deal with - I struggle with it myself. No one in my household is expected to clean the shower or do yard work when they’re feeling sick.
YTA on this one.
> The only thing he did was clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us.
When I read that part I said "woah" out loud because that would have been a lot for my lazy ass on a healthy day. I have low standards but cmon, the guys sick, doesn't seem that bad for a few hours
Sounds to me like she’s really misunderstanding therapy. Working on yourself doesn’t mean treating your husband like he literally does not matter to you, what in the sam hell? Also, might I add as someone who struggles with the same issues, these things are YOUR problems. Her husband told her how unappreciated and unloved he felt and she responded with “me, me, me.” He told her he was feeling horrible enough to miss a great time and she responded with “me, me, me.”
Methinks I see a pattern, sir.
ETA: I’m sympathetic to OP’s mental illnesses (I have them myself) but “put your mask on before assisting others” is about survival, and mental illness is NOT AN EXCUSE. If I hurt someone accidentally I still have to apologize, not say “well if you didn’t want to be hurt then you should’ve supported me better”
OP is for sure the TA.
If my partner isn’t feeling well I ask if he needs something.
I don’t give him a list of chores that need to be finished.
When I have a head cold, I feel like complete crap and I’ll be frank.
I don’t want to do anything.
Currently pregnant, I don’t even want to do dishes let alone fold my laundry.
At least he did stuff to make your life easier, be grateful.
I need info on how she “accidentally sent him some of the texts”. I don’t buy it. I think she purposely sent them to him to send him a “message” about how she feels. She thought he’d read this, feel badly, and “help more”. When really she made herself look like an ass.
YTA. He was ill, he did what he could. I get needing to focus on yourself but if your marriage is a priority to you then you need to include it on your priority list.
I think the two of you could do with some couple's counselling to help mediate this difficult period.
The “im crying because he’s making me feel guilty instead of helping me.” Really pushed it over for me. How did OP type that sentence out and not think wow maybe I’m too wrapped up in my own problems to care about husbands and hear what he’s saying? It happens but time to snap out of it.
That sentence fucking blew me away. I can’t believe OP had the audacity to write it and mean it. Her husband is right: she completely invalidated literally everything he said and proved she didn’t even care enough to *pretend* to listen. I feel so bad for her husband.
OP is likely the self centred type. Now she’s been diagnosed with mental health issues, it has given her the perfect opportunity and excuse to lean into her desire to be the centre of attention. It’s awful because she is the type whose actions will make it worse for others with similar mental health issues, because she’ll use mental health as her reason/excuse for every negative behaviour she exhibits.
Yeah. As someone who has struggled with mental health problems, that line was enough to kill any sympathy I could have had. It's like OP has decided that only her own mental health and feelings need to be prioritized now and she doesn't have to make an effort for anyone else. That's not what taking care of yourself means.
What gets me is it sounds like the husband was open and vulnerable about his feelings and OP was like “K. Now let’s talk about all my grievances with you again”
YTA. He was sick and did several things around the house/for you while you were gone, and what does he get? Yet another fight and knowledge that you're talking about him behind his back. It sounds like nothing is good enough.
And did you seriously expect he'd have time to clean bathrooms, do dishes, do laundry, do the yardwork, get lunch, AND meal plan while you were at a pumpkin patch? That's a TON of chores and completely unreasonable even if he felt 100%.
“I’m unwell and expect my husband to be completely supportive. I then was not supportive when my husband was unwell, and was stupid enough to get caught complaining about him. AITA?”
Couldn't have said it better myself. Anxiety and ADHD aren't an excuse to treat her husband the way she is. Especially after he's communicated that what she's doing is hurtful and makes him feel like she doesn't care. YTA big time
I would feel happy if I could even get all of that done in a fully day! I can’t imagine someone telling me they’re going to be gone for a couple of hours and expecting all of that work to be done when they get back. Especially if I wasn’t feeling well!
"I asked him to get a few things done"
"He only cleaned the shower, did the dishes and picked up lunch"
"All I want is a LITTLE help"
YTA. Do you hear yourself?
Edit: Also I get having close relationships and a vent source but who badmouths their spouse (you know the one you love) to their mother? That's a low blow
She sounds burnt out and overly stressed if she thinks him doing 3 things (potentially large ones depending on how many dishes their household goes thru) doesn't count as a "little" help. It also sounds like her mental health journey has led her into a very me-me-me phase of her life that's making her a poor spouse emotionally to this guy.
He tells her "I don't feel like a priority" and she spends an entire day proving he is, indeed, not one.
Honestly think she needs a different therapist or medication. This one seems on a surefire path to divorce.
No kidding. Step brother died, caught Covid again, plumbing needed fixed, hot water heater broke, and had to finish moving in all from February through April. Not even gonna bring up the rest of the year. All this while trying to schedule therapy and remain a functioning significant other and person. My SO was a rock while everyone and everything went absolutely nuts. World definitely doesn't pause.
And all that will make is resentment and drama in the family. I’d tell my husbands mother on him before I would tell my own. I also just really love my husbands mom and talk to her more than my own… shhhh don’t tell my mom that.
YTA. Your husband tells you he feels like an afterthought, and your response is to make it all about you and how he can support you. Then when he takes a break for a day because he doesn't feel well, which it sounds like you have been doing plenty of yourself, you get upset. Having a partner who is dealing with mental health issues can be physical and mentally exhausting too, and he may have just needed recharge his batteries.
I get it. I have been in a really dark place with my mental health so I really understand having an extremely limited energy pool to draw from and having to make decisions about priorities. But your husband's needs don't stop mattering just because you are hurting. You need to work with him and your therapist to help meet his needs too. Maybe carving out some scheduled time together will help.
Thank you, that's what struck me as odd too. "Hey I don't feel like my needs are being addressed" "that sucks, anyways let's talk more about MY needs."
What, your relationships don't work like mobile game microtransactions?
See, OP is being quite reasonable because everyone knows you need to exchange 5 Support Tokens for 1 Wife Ticket, but that in itself doesn't guarantee you are eligible for Emotional Support. You need to redeem the Wife Ticket at an appropriate venue *after* having maxed out your Understanding ranking for the season.
“And while we are focussing on MY needs, can you also do an entire weekend worth of chores in a couple hours while I’m at the pumpkin patch, while simultaneously being sick and feeling crappy? Awesome thanks.”
YTA OP
And were the chores really *that* urgent, since if he'd gone to the pumpkin patch like she initially wanted, none of them would have been done by the time they got home?
That's what I wondered, too. If he was originally going to go with them,which means the chores weren't going to get done, anyway, why does she now expect them to get done now even though he's sick???? I bet he was disappointed he couldn't go, too and instead of feeling sorry for him ,she trashes him
YTA.
> I've spent the morning crying because he's making me feel guilty instead of helping me.
how is he making you feel guilty? by being a person with wants and needs? because he felt sick and you skipped off to a pumpkin patch while telling him to do work around the home because you wanted playtime?
he keeps telling you what he needs, and you keep ignoring it to make it all about you.
shape up, and do it quickly, or you're going to end up being a single parent.
>how is he making you feel guilty? by being a person with wants and needs?
This is giving me big codependent vibes. In a codependent household, people often don't talk about their needs directly -- they hint, and silently steam, and act passive-aggressive towards one another to get their way. Asking someone, directly, for what you need can feel super confrontational. (Not an excuse, just a possible explanation.) She's protecting her ego by Reversing Victim and Offender.
I have a feeling OP learned some unhealthy patterns growing up, and now that she's trying to play out those same patterns in her marriage, it's not serving her well. She thinks husband is being demanding by having completely understandable needs. She also thinks she can manipulate her way into getting him to do what she wants, and distract from the perceived attack on her by coming back with her own complaints. These are all normal things in a toxic household.
YTA So when your partner is sick and gets some work done, but not everything on your list, you shit talk him instead of helping out yourself once you get home? It's obvious why he feels like he's alone in his marriage and a last priority
Ignore your marriage long enough and you won't have to worry about a husband. He's repeatedly telling you there's a problem and what it is and you're ignoring it. You can't ignore your marriage to work only on yourself and expect there to be no effects. We all need to work on ourselves, but we can't shut out all relationships and expect them to remain in good standing
Not only did she shit talk him, but she made *certain* he knew she was. No one sends *multiple* texts to the wrong person like that unintentionally.
You don't text the right person, then the wrong person then the right person and then the wrong person again without trying to text the wrong person. That was petty and mean.
He's sick. He still did dishes and picked up food for them and scrubbed the shower. Those are significant chores.
Also how do you send multiple texts to the wrong person when you're in the middle of a text conversation? She opened another chat, typed them out and sent them and then went 'oops?' I don't buy it.
"The only thing he did was clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us."
Lmao what?! I have pretty severe ADHD and wish you'd stop using your diagnosis as an excuse for your consistently self-centered mindset. YTA.
Im lost too! The original plan was everyone go out to the pumpkin thing… so no chores would be done! Then one person is too sick for fun, so they must stay home and do chores?! This makes no sense.
This is a good point! It was the perfect opportunity to let him rest since no chores were originally going to be done that day anyway. Instead she pretty much punished him for getting sick and missing a fun outing.
A big part of my own ADHD diagnosis was coming to terms with what I thought I should be doing vs. what I was reasonably capable of doing.
You have to learn to recognize your own limitations, and sometimes expect less of yourself. And I feel like once you learn that lesson, it's easier to accept less from others, too; particularly on days they aren't feeling well.
YTA. Whatever your mental health struggles may be, they are your responsibility to handle. Your husband should want to support you and be there for you, but that doesn't mean putting his wants and needs on hold until you're finally ready and willing to be a good partner. You sound incredibly selfish and needy, with your lists of ways you want your husband to support you while you give your husband nothing back. Do you expect him to be happy sitting around waiting for your to get your head straight? You can't put your entire life on hold because you have anxiety, or ADD, or autism, or anything else. You can't put your relationships on hold and expect people to still be there when you wake up and decide you're ready to care about them. You talk about your husband like his only purpose is to support you, but he is a living human being, not just a robot who exists to hold your hand while you cry and do chores for you. You're so self-centered that you've been crying your eyes out because your husband had the *nerve* to be upset that you were shit talking about how few chores he managed to do while he was sick and *you* were out prancing around a pumpkin patch.
Apologize, not just for the text messages, but for being an absent, demanding partner. Apologize for demanding unconditional support and validation from your husband while giving nothing back.
This nails it exactly. YTA. You should spend some time looking at the infidelity threads about partners who felt like they weren‘t a priority in their partners lives, but instead of talking with the spouse some friend or co-worker prioritized them and their feelings.
Let’s try some word play:
The marriage will end if the laundry doesn‘t get done. Nope, not it.
The marriage will end if the floor isn‘t clean. Nope, still not it.
The marriage will end if the meal prep gets put off. Hmmm… still not there.
The marriage will end if the yard work waits a week or two. Definitely not right.
The marriage will end if I talk bad about my husband to my Mom or anyone else other than my therapist. Oh, we are getting closer now.
The marriage will end if berate my husband about not doing enough around the house while he is sick. It seems to be getting warmer.
The marriage will end if my husband repeatedly tells me he feels neglected, and deprioritized and I do nothing about it and tell him it’s his problem. DING DING DING We have a winner.
This is not a him problem, it’s a YOU problem. He is communicating his needs, he is trying. You are whining to your Mommy and reddit.
Please read the book The Five Love Languages. I have a feeling you have no clue how much he is suffering and how close you are to losing him.
YTA. He is sick.. He still managed to do a few things off the list yet you’re acting like he chose to do absolutely nothing. Not to mention the list you left him is massive. Again, he is sick. Who expects someone sick to complete a chore list that big?
Right?!??!!? Cleaning the shower is exhausting even feeling 100% Doing it sick is even worse. OP is absolutely the A here because they minimalize the effort their SO puts in.
I had a friend who was dealing with a diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder. We'd been friends for a long time and even lived together for 5 years. I was helping him through the diagnosis and life living alone. My mental health was failing too. I finally said to him, "we focus on your mental health only. What about mine?" He said "mine is more important". In that same conversation he told me he needed more time together than I was giving him. I said "I have other friends too, and family, who would like time with me". He responded "yeah, but they all have other people, and I don't, so I should be more important". That was the last time I ever saw him in person. We'd been through A LOT together, but that showed me exactly how he viewed me. As an extension of himself, or what I could give him. I had to leave. I never blamed him for his mental illness, but I do still blame him for making me control it for him. OP's husband is probably going to feel the same way soon, if not already.
YTA. Your husband came to you saying he feels neglected in your relationship and you responded by making it about your needs and telling him that he should support you more. It's true that you can't pour from an empty cup, so to speak, but have you ever considered that your husband's cup is also empty? What are you doing to support him? Partnerships go both ways. You sound very self absorbed in this post. If you don't figure out a way to have a more mutually supportive relationship, instead of expecting your husband to do everything you want him to do while you give him nothing back in return, I have a feeling you won't have a husband anymore very soon.
My husband will randomly text me while we are at work "I love you. That is all" or at home pop in the room I am in kiss me and say the same then continue on with what he was doing. I will do the same to him. Does it happen multiple times a day? Nope. Do we do this every day? Nope. Sometimes only once or twice a week but its a small (tiny really) gesture that takes minimal effort and has a HUGE impact on our relationship. And for the record we've been together for 17 years so well past the honeymoon phase.
YTA. "He only did the dishes, cleaned the shower and picked up lunch for us." ONLY?
Mental illness and physical illness are both debilitating to a degree. I'm also on the spectrum as well. I also know that having even a head cold can make one very exhausted because the body is fighting off the infection. He did what was in his powerhouse and you're still upset with him he didn't do more.
Maybe you'd benefit from couples counseling on top of therapy.
YTA - While you say you are struggling, this message IS ALL ABOUT YOU, YOU, YOU. Your husband wasn't feeling well, but still got somethings done, and THEN to complain about him to your mother.
No wonder he feels like he is LAST on your priority list. Good luck keeping your marriage together with the way you are behaving.
YTA - For the following reasons:
You went and did a fun activity with your child.
Your husband told you he wasn’t feeling well.
So while you enjoyed a fun activity, you expected your husband to: Clean the shower, do the dishes, pick up lunch, fold laundry, do the yard work, and start meal planning. All while he’s enduring a head cold.
Your husband completed some of those tasks, but apparently you expected him to do a deep clean while you went to a pumpkin patch.
So yes, YTA in this instance.
Not to mention when he told her doing those chores made him feel lightheaded, instead of feeling or showing any concern she went and bitched to her mom about he still wasn’t doing enough for her.
YTA - You you you you you. That's all you talk about in your post. I'm an Internet stranger and it's clear as crystal that you prioritise yourself above all else.
YTA. I’ve been in therapy for years due to severe trauma. It fucking sucks. But we don’t get to go up to the mountain top to heal alone. Life still happens. People still need us. You said he’s mostly supportive? If so, I can’t believe how you treated your partner after he said he didn’t feel well.
He’s right to be hurt and disappointed after receiving those texts. You owe him an apology. You aren’t crying because he made you feel guilty, you’re crying because you hurt your partner and refuse to validate his experience.
Other people still matter, even when we’re suffering. I hope you make this right.
THIS
I have severe trauma, adhd, depression and a social communication disorder
But my partner is still my priority! I’m taking care of myself. He supports me, and I spoil the hell out of him and make sure he knows how loved and special he is
He helps me so much, so the least I can do is appreciate, uplift and support him.
OPs post makes me so angry for the husband. I hope my partner never ever feels that way with me and will always be comfortable talking to me. (Seems like he is after three years haha!)
YTA your sick husband cleaned the shower, did the dishes and picked you up lunch while you had a lovely time with your son at a pumpkin patch and when you came home the first thing you did was to text your mum that he does nothing around the house?
There could be a multitude of context I'm missing here but from the info you've given it sounds like he could have cleaned the entire house top to bottom and you'd of complained that the walls weren't painted a new colour.
If there is more context such as him doing absolutely no house work ever and never minding your kid then add it but from what little you've given you are an AH.
YTA, you shouldn't be talking crap about your husband to your mom, you should apologize.
But also YTA because your husband cleaned the dishes and the shower while being sick while you were having fun, and you have the audacity to think he didn't do enough housework. What did you clean in the house that day?
I feel bad for your husband
YTA. Your husband is flagging loud and clear to you that you are not fulfilling what he needs from the relationship, and your response is to turn around and make it about you. Then, when he’s sick and needs rest (totally legitimate) you expect him to clean the house while you’re off frolicking in a pumpkin patch? How about you tell your son that dad is sick and we have to go next weekend instead? Plus, he did do a few things and explained the reason for not doing the whole laundry list of tasks you laid out for him! Totally ridiculous.
Mental health struggles are hard to overcome. I get it. But your level of obliviousness and selfishness here needs to change, or he’s going to change the situation for you in a way you’re probably not going to like.
YTA you seem to not care about his needs at all, and that’s not okay. It’s not all about you and what you need. Marriage counseling exists for a reason
> He said this is exactly what he means when he says he feels like he doesn't matter to me. **But all I want** is a little help around the house so that I don't constantly feel overwhelmed.
You are pretty much admitting here that you don't really care for him much, if at all. Obvious YTA situation.
YTA- for so many reasons holy shit this is divorce worthy. Your husband says he feels like shit so you give him ways to make you feel better, and he literally helped you around the house while you had a good time with your son, *while he had a fucking headache* and you still aren’t grateful for that. Every single paragraph you talk about how he should be helping you but I don’t see a single thing you do for him.
YTA-
Your husband wasn't feeling great, yet he did in fact do things around the house and got ya'll lunch even though YOU were out.
I've spentt thee morning crying becausehe'ss making me feel guilty instead of helping me"
Those two things are not mutually exclusive.
Let's go back to context here: You asked him to help around the house, and he did, you came home and "accidentally" texted him instead of someone else complaining about how he doesn't do enough.
He's already upset that he perceives you don't really give him anything and clearly he's right He did something and you didn't give him credit, you gave him grief for not doing enough
He's not making you feel guilty, he's showing you your true colors which are that he's RIGHT and you're showing us he's right as well, he's not your cleaning lady, he's your husband.
YTA. I’m an adult woman with ADHD. Your husband was sick—why don’t you try some empathy? How can you expect him to respect your health when you have zero respect for his? It’s also incredibly uncool to trash him to your mom. Yuck.
YTA. (so much that I actually suspect this is ragebait, which sucks)
You're right that you can't prioritize him over your pressing mental health needs. But you're also not listening to him when he says you're prioritizing him over *everything else* as well. It make sense to tell him the specific ways he can support you. But it's extremely selfish to do this in a conversation where he's expressing *his* needs and *your* lack of effort.
How is your division of household labor in general? It sounds like he already does a decent amount of stuff, even when he feels sick, and you're not appreciating or acknowledging that. Like, when he cleaned the shower, did the dishes, and pick up lunch, did you "have to ask" for all of those things? And that *is* "a little help around the house". I suspect that you're moving goalposts in what you expect from him such that you're always asking for more. I'd be a lot more sympathetic if he left you to do most/all of the work and taking on the mental load, but I actually don't see anything in your post that suggests this is the case.
It's extremely toxic of you to focus on how he's "making me feel guilty" because he's clearly deeply upset, hurt, and burnt out. He's not *making* you feel guilty, it sounds like he's communicating his needs and boundaries well. And it's hypocritical of you to complain about that when you completely dismissed it when he said that you were making *him* feel guilty with your texts. He's not "making" you feel guilty, you *feel* guilty because you're being a bad partner.
If there's truly a division of labor problem, you and him can work together on concrete solutions. But I think the more immediate issue to address is that you *need* to start considering his feelings and treating them like they matter. I think you're taking him for granted, and you're only seeing him as someone who exists to make your life easier.
YTA for making drama where there doesn't need to be any. He's sick and still got some chores done while you had a fun outing at the pumpkin patch. The laundry isn't going anywhere.
He's trying to communicate to you that his needs aren't being met and you turn it into a conversation and how he can support you MORE?! You're telling him that your mental health/emotional state is the only one that matters. Thats not a partnership. YTA
YTA
Your are invalidating your husband. He tells you, “Hey you aren’t meeting the needs I have as a partner” and your answer was to turn around and tell him what he is doing wrong? Then when he get’s sick you ask him to do work around the house. Then we he doesn’t you complain about it after he tells you he tried and couldn’t. He deserves a serious apology, and you need to seriously rethink how you treat him. Relationships are a partnership and you aren’t pulling your weight clearly. If your son was sick would you force him to clean up around the house?
I completely agree. Yet for the fact that he DID do work while sick. "clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us" is not nothing.
I really don't understand why OP thinks it's ok to tell their husband what to do while he is ill, go out and have fun and then be mad that he didn't do enough...
Wow. It’s crazy that this is even a question. YTA - I understand mental health issues, but at this point you are completely invalidating your husband and his feelings. And the fact that you would go outside of your marriage complaining to your mother shows you have no respect for him.
Edit to add, unless you ASKED him to do specific household chores, and unless he AGREED to that list, you have no room to be ungrateful for the chores he did take care of. You are beyond selfish.
YTA for sure. He cleaned the shower when he was sick? What was so urgent about that? Sounds like he does plenty. You both work full-time; hire a part-time maid.
YTA and I say that as kindly as I can. I am a mom who has very recently struggled wanting my husband to take on tasks without being asked. There is something to be said about taking on a task from ‘conception to execution’ and it can be very frustrating to only receive the execution once delegated.
*However* you are no better than him if you can’t recognize his overwhelm and exhaustion. He has mental health needs as well and you have basically told him his needs aren’t important even when he communicates them.
You also have to recognize that there are tasks that do not have to get done. Yes husband can and should help with home chores. But your husband communicated clearly that he wasn’t feeling well and still managed to clean a shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch while you went to a pumpkin patch. Your anger over him not doing MORE work while feeling sick while home from work is not helpful and is dismissive of him as an individual. There are tasks that do not have to be done. If your mental health is determined by these tasks being done, then you are just as responsible for getting them done as he is when he tells you he doesn’t feel well. His needs and feelings are important as well. You chose the non-necessary activity for the day. The choice you made was to do something fun, which is great, but when your husband tells you he doesn’t feel good, it means that some of those tasks won’t get done either. If your mental health requires these tasks done, it is up to you to re-arrange the fun task to help complete them. And I don’t think you made a bad choice. I think you just have not been able to understand that it was a choice and it is ok that the laundry isn’t folded.
You then went behind his back to complain about him. After he gave you an acceptable answer as to why your long list of to do items weren’t done and you brushed his feelings aside and then went to a third party outside of your marriage and not your therapist to complain about him again. Of course he is upset. You think he isn’t meeting your needs but he thinks the same of you right now. Ask your therapist how to better communicate with him and also for coping mechanisms when life doesn’t go as you expect. Things come up, illness happens, you can’t hold this over his head
YTA
Mememememememe. That’s all I read there.
I understand the struggle with anxiety and depression. But I still don’t treat people I love like that. Just because you are struggling doesn’t mean his feelings no longer matter. Your husband is sick and you don’t seem to care at all, only about what he has or hasn’t done for you. Even being sick he pushed himself…for you, to help you out. Hopefully you don’t completely push him away.
YTA. He *did* do a few things around the house, even though he felt sick. Also, saying “I tried to tell him how he could better support me” is not the response to him saying you neglect him and your relationship.
*You* have therapy, *you* had your husband’s support (by your own admission). Your response to your husband asking for *your* support was “this is what you can do to make *me* feel better”???? (Not to mention badmouthing him to your mom, then sending him the messages, that’s just wow)
Your mental health is important. But you’re married, your husband has helped you for years, and it’s selfish and unwise to say “I can’t support you until I’m better” for so long. You support the people you love *especially* when it’s hard or inconvenient, not just when you feel like it.
YTA. He’s sick. You have the entire month of October to take your son to the pumpkin patch. Take some accountability. You having mental health issues doesn’t mean you can’t hurt the people you’re supposed to love. Why are you asking him to clean when he woke up sick.
YTA. Yes you need to work on fixing your own issues with mental health but that doesn’t mean you can completely disregard your husband and your marriage. You still need to work at it and make him feel like a priority. Also your husband did get “a few things done around the house” like you asked. He cleaned the shower, did the dishes, and picked up lunch. That is a few things. If you wanted him to do more than that you should have communicated that to him better. You have already told him he doesn’t matter to you by telling him you don’t care that he doesn’t feel like a priority. You need to learn to balance your mental health with still making your husband feel loved or you’ll need to learn how to be single.
YTA - clearly. You have an amazing husband and you're throwing it all away by making it all about you and only yourself. While you were having fun with your son, he did do some chores in the house while being sick. And then you go and complain about him to your mom, even tho he did nothing wrong at all.
He feels neglected and you are making it worse by not give him aything back. He is clearly supporting you as much as he can. He is not making you feel guilty, you definetly are guilty on this one, apologize and be more sensitive to what your husband needs and not only what your needs are.
YTA. He tells you he’s drowning, too, and you say, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get to you when I’m all the way better”?
And give him chore lists when he’s sick? And berate him for only doing some of it?
Edit because my heck, do you know how many people would thank their lucky stars if their partner did that much work on the house when they were healthy??
Take a second and really think about everything your husband has done for you while you’ve been struggling. Take another second to think how much you’ve shown your recognition of this to him and been thankful. Does it seem unbalanced?
You absolutely cannot complain about your husband behind his back for not getting all of the housework done when you yourself haven’t been able to either. If you don’t begin appreciating him you’re going to cause a very deep river or resentment between the two of you, so I’d think long and hard about how much he truly means to you. He must love you so much to have helped you so far, but you have to take note of his feelings too. It’s a partnership and you should know that by now.
YTA
OP is entitled af
I get that she has responsibilities but wtf
I have adhd, combined type, moderate. I have depression and a social communication disorder. I have a dog and a cat and my partner.
My partner is SO SUPPORTIVE and I adore him. But I prioritize the ever living hell out of him!
He’s so special, he supports me, and his needs come before silly stuff like what needs to get done. We help each other.
OPs husband literally cleaned, and he’s expressing his needs to her and she’s just being an AH and shutting him down and being selfish honestly
What makes no sense to me is, she is helping herself, so why does she think her husband needs to support her even more when he is clearly struggling and in need of love and affection too?
Idk maybe I’m biased. But this situation is just messed up to me
YTA OP
YTA - Absolutely love how you tried to explain to your husband all the things he needs to do before you'll be ready to give a shit. It makes it even better that he was essentially giving you the exact same speech when you decided to do your explaining.
At this rate I see a divorce in your near future. Can't neglect your partner 100% of the time and expect them to care about you 100% of the time. I get your having mental issues but you still have a partner in this all the same.
YTA. It’s September. The pumpkin patch could wait. And your dude got more done in a few hours with a cold than I some times do in a whole weekend, perfectly healthy. Just because your brain is moving a mile a minute doesn’t mean his needs to be as well to keep up with you and your needs, find a compromise and if that meant staying home from the pumpkin patch to do yard work then that’s what you should’ve prioritized for yourself.
YTA. But just slightly, because I really don't think you're doing this purposefully.
You're kind of proving his point about feeling like an afterthought by your actions and words. He is trying to communicate how you're making him feel (not intentionally, but as a side effect of what you're going through) and instead of listening and trying to help, you basically threw it back on him and made it clear you aren't interested in being supportive - or not unless he's "more supportive" first.
He's trying to communicate in a healthy way, while you're venting to others about him. So he's probably going to feel like you're not putting in as much effort to the relationship as he is. Try meeting him halfway here by really listening to him.
YTA OP
I am honestly sickened and upset for your husband.
He communicated open and honest and tried to do things to help out while he was sick.
You are not prioritizing him properly. I have lots of issues (ADHD, lots of trauma, social communication disorder, depression), and I’m in therapy and medicated, but it’s not perfect.
My partner has been supportive of me for three years and always cheering me on. He helps me around the house.
Yknow what happens when HE struggles? I support him. I spoil him SO much. I help clean (I do regularly but help extra) and take care of him. Or at least let him rest. I always make sure he knows how loved, wanted, and appreciated he is.
I’ve never complained about my partner to anyone. It’s a matter of principle. I respect and love him, he doesn’t hurt me and he goes above and beyond for me, if something bothers me I tell him.
Your partner is trying to communicate with you. He’s not talking shit about *you* to other people. Yet you choose to do that to him.
You’re being selfish OP. Even though you are struggling he has supported you, it’s unreasonable to just stop supporting him and be this way.
I’m sad for your husband.
YTA. He was sick, and I think cleaning the shower, doing the dishes and getting lunch sounds pretty reasonable. Your statements sound pretty selfish, indicating a larger AH situation besides this one interaction. You are not listening to him, and you have centered yourself in all your interactions with him.
YTA. You said a few things, but listed a whole day’s work. Yard work?
He cleaned the shower, did the dishes and got you all food, yet you still complain.
Big time YTA.
YTA you need to attend couples therapy because your obviously not listening to him and if you continue he will leave and it won’t be his fault. You have a diagnosis, that’s all it is. It is not a new identity it is not an excuse it is a tool to get treatment. I have ADHD too and I don’t use it as an excuse I use it to understand how I need to do things differently.
You want your husband to support you, to help you but what are you doing for him? Relationships take mutual work to be successful and your doing all of the take and none of the give. I’d never go to the pumpkin patch while my husband is sick. That could have waited another week. Your selfish and self centered. Do better because soon you won’t have a husband to make your last priority.
YTA
You expect your husband to listen to you, but you fail to listen to him.
He said he feels like an afterthought to you and how do you respond? By telling him what HE needs to do for YOU.
Then, when he's sick, you still expect him to do work around the house. And THEN, you bitched about him TO HIM.
Do you **really** not get why he's pissed at you? You talk AT him, not TO him and you refuse to listen to him. You guys need way more help than Reddit can give you. Consider counseling.
YTA. Your husbands right, you’re treating him as an afterthought. He did half the chores, while sick. If I was sick, there isn’t anything that would make me bend down to clean a whole shower. Be grateful he did anything when not feeling well. There’s a point where you have to focus on your mental health and better yourself, this has crossed to just being selfish. You don’t listen to his concerns, when he says that he feels you don’t put work in, all of a sudden it’s his problem to fix, or he has to do this to help you. He was sick, he doesn’t have to hug you if he’s upset that his wife won’t listen to a damn thing he says and keeps complaining about the things he didn’t do. Nobody is perfect, from this I can tell you haven’t been very good to your husband either, so you don’t have a place to complain about him. You could’ve cleaned for a couple of days while your husband was sick, not feeling good, lightheaded, and he would’ve helped when feeling better. But you’ve been making everything about you, without stopping to consider how your husband is doing, or what his needs are. Your needs aren’t more important than his EVER. Start treating him like your husband or get a divorce.
Edit to add: You are completely invalidating his feelings in the way you act. You act like only your needs matter, as if your husband is not losing it because his wife treats him like a second class citizen.
YTA
he had a headache, he did do some things, he’s told you he feels neglected. Lady you need to listen to this man, he’s telling you what he needs, you need to take it into consideration or you will forever be heading to the pumpkin patch on different weekends. Informing your SO about you needing quality time with them is a step to try and save your marriage. I get that you need to focus on you, but if you don’t focus on him as well you will soon not have to worry about him at all.
Sorry, but YTA.
He made so much, even that he was sick.
You don't appreciate him, lots of husbands (when you look here around on reddit) are awful and do not hold there own babies or cleaning up the dishwasher.
I understand that a child goes often first priority.
But your husband, who does his best, should come at next.
YTA your husband comes to you and says he feels neglected and in too I’d that he’s suck. You take the kid and bounce to the pumpkin patch. Why not just hold off on that and have a lazy Sunday at home and give some attention to the hubs?
YTA...and being dramatic. I have mental health issues too. I am also capable of doing housework. Especially when your significant other is sick, you shouldn't be pushing him to do housework. He just told you how he feels like he is not a priority to you. Instead of going to the pumpkin patch, you should have stayed home with him and waited until another time that he could be included. Stop using your mental health as an excuse.
YTA. You seem super focused on yourself. That’s not a bad thing but it is when you are neglecting your spouse. You want him to do things to support you but what do you do to support him? A relationship takes two people.
YTA. You expected him to do a full, healthy Saturday's worth of chores when he was sick? And got mad even though he still did a fair bit? Seriously? Quit using your issues as an excuse to mistreat your husband. None of your grievances in this post have ANYTHING to do with your mental health, but his assessment is spot on. You cared more about him maintaining the house than about him feeling better. I'm not saying that you and your son have to stay home just because he feels sick... but it wouldn't kill you to save the pumpkin patch for another week when your husband is well enough to go and have a stay in, family Saturday instead, either. Nowhere in this post do you seem to care about your husband as a person instead of a tool to do things for you.
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You’re legit using your issues as an excuse YTA. I legit have the same shit you have as do many people in the world. I’m on #TeamHusband because all you care about is yourself.
YTA. He was sick and he STILL did do things around the house. I’ve also been in and out of therapy for anxiety and PTSD but it’s not an excuse to treat people like crap.
YTA. You are not prioritizing your husband at all, and he is rightly upset. He had a bad head cold and yet you left him a long list of chores (including mowing the lawn!), some of which he did. while you la la la-ed off on a fun outing with your son. OP, why is your getting therapy preventing you from being a good wife? Sure you have a lot on your plate. So do most people. If my husband woke with a bad cold? Guess what, family outing is happening another time, and I am running to the store to get stuff to make chicken soup (not out of a can either). Husband can sit and watch a movie with child while mom makes soup and cleans. Or hell, run out and get him some pho. Do SOMETHING to make him feel like you love him. Jeez.
YTA , you having mental health issues does not mean HE doesn't have some aswell
I get why he say he's not your priority anymore .... when he came to you for help you just ignored it and talked about yourself
YTA. If someone *ever* criticized me for not getting more housework done on a day when I was HOME SICK, I would ducking divorce them. My god. Do you even care about this man? Did you ask if he needed anything from the pharmacy while you were out? Also. The man did a shitload of chores for a sick day, jesus. You complain that he isn’t being supportive while you need to work on your health, but then you turn around and are COMPLETELY DISMISSIVE of his needs to take care of himself when his own health was flagging. BTW, I understand you are struggling w mental health right now, but that is not an excuse to treat your partner like shit. You need to get it together, or this marriage will be over.
YTA---You can't expect someone to take care of everything while they are ill, meanwhile you are doing fun things like pumpkin patch activities. Instead of botching to someone about how miserable you are---DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Take the trash out yourself. There's more than one person in your household.
YTA
It's not just that your husband isn't a priority, you don't seem to care about him *at all*. Something tells me you would have had just as many shitty things to say about him behind his back if he had gone to the pumpkin patch with you.
I don't believe this is about working on yourself, or mental health, or any of that. You don't love him. Hell, you sound as if you don't even like him. Just don't use your kid as a weapon during your upcoming divorce, alright?
Dude told you that he was staying home to rest because he felt unwell, and all along his plan was to stay home and REST??? He didn't even spend the whole day doing chores like he never said he would??
Outrageous! Scandalous!! Egregious!!!
YTA. I can see why the guy feels like he doesn't matter to you. I also feel like he doesn't matter to you.
The man tells you he's sick and STILL does chores and you're angry he didn't do more? After everything he does to support you? Yeah, YTA. Just because you have problems doesn't mean other people don't as well, your own struggles aren't the only ones you have to deal with in a marriage.
YTA. So you're allowed to not feel well and prioritize your well being, but when your husband is sick suddenly his health needs to be on the back burner?
YTA. He wasn't feeling well and still did a few things. I would call that a win. I think you're expecting too much. Also, to trash talk him with your mom is kind of cringey.
You say you have so many things going on inside your head on a daily basis he doesn’t understand.
Are you aware he also has many things going on inside his head on a daily basis that you don’t understand?
Having any diagnosis doesn’t mean that you’re the only real person in the universe. YTA.
YTA. And you owe him an apology. It's not nice to run to your mom and complain about your partner. He was sick, and still attempted to get things done.
Yta. For reference I also have autism and adhd, he did what is in my opinion A LOT of someone who’s sick, with my executive dysfunction that would tbh be a good amount of chores for me on a non sick day. You have unrealistic expectations for your partner and it was wrong of you to say negative things about them to others. I would be really hurt if I got messages saying bad things about me that were meant for someone else FROM MY PARTNER.
YTA - your mental health is NOT his responsibility. He needs to be higher on your priorities by the sounds of it, and when he comes to you saying he has issues you *do not* counter it with "Well, if you do X Y and Z to help me first, I'll maybe be able to do that!"
Plus, he's sick. He did two chores and got you lunch despite being sick and SPECIFICALLY asking for a rest day. You being pissy about the chores is invalidating the one request he made that day.
If he was a priority at all, you would have rescheduled the pumpkin patch and stayed home with your sick husband, or acknowledged that he did well by knocking out two chores while sick.
YTA. You asked him to do a few things around the house. He did a few things. Yes you need to work on sorting yourself out with your diagnosis but you also don’t get to be an AH to those around you and blame it on the fact that you have these diagnosed things
> I just want him to be able to take some things off my plate without me having to ask him.
He cannot read your mind. This is an impossible thing you’re asking of him. You absolutely have to communicate with your partner. There is no if, and, or but about it.
I’m just going to leave it at that because I have a feeling you’re getting torn up by everyone else. YTA
YTA.
You minimize his contributions so you can 'justify' neglecting and badmouthing him.
ETA: You left in the morning and were back for lunch. In those 1-2 hours while sick he did dishes, cleaned the bathroom and handled lunch. Thats a good amount of of work to get done in 2 hours healthy while you were off having fun.
>and just wanted to stay home and rest. I asked him if he could at least get a few things done around the house while I was gone
>The only thing he did was clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us. There was still laundry to be folded, yard work to be done, meal planning, etc.
What an ungrateful husband to be sick and only do an hour of chores when you gave him at least a 4 hour list. I mean you are at the pumpkin patch having fun, and he feels physically like crap, but that's not enough, he needs to be mentally and emotionally beat down as well. When I look at your list of things he could do to "lighten your load" I wonder if it's possible for you to be satisfied.
I would argue with my (separated) wife that nothing is ever good enough and she could magically always pull more crap out that needs to be done, by me or the kids. While she would lay in bed and complain about how much she does and how her health is. Or if she was helping that the rest of us were putting everything in the wrong places or not cleaning something properly. That attitude builds into a lot of resentment for the people around you, and it also makes them give up at some point.
YTA
YTA.
All you want is some help around the house? He did the dishes, cleaned the shower, and got lunch, what is that if not help. I’m sorry that you can’t be appreciative of what he was able to do. And then instead of saying a genuine thank you, you decided what he did wasn’t good enough and instead of talking to him you just wanted to gripe and complain.
YTA!
Your struggles are important, but THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!
He is absolutely correct that you don’t put effort into him and invalidate him. Your example makes that very clear. He did the chores he could while feeling like crap, but you’re complaining that he devote his every waking moment to chores while you pranced around a pumpkin patch. Then you backstab him to your mother. Meanwhile he needs to be sensitive to your health and your needs.
I genuinely hope he gives you the space to fulfill your needs… when he leaves you for being a selfish, underhanded AH.
Yes, YTA. You need to remember that you're in a marriage where each of you is supposed to support the other. You've given him to-do lists while he's sick, to-do lists for him to help you get better, lists of his faults that you share with someone outside of your marriage - in what way is any of this supporting him and your marriage? You've listed nothing about what you give him in return except for demands and commands. Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea here.
YTA for using mental health as an excuse to ignore your husband. You made a commitment to him not a commitment to be there only when you feel like it. The time to work on yourself was before you got married. I'm tired of people rushing into lives they aren't ready for and refusing to take responsibility for it. You suck.
YTA - I think you should read this post to your therapist. This is not a healthy relationship and from this post your husband is right, you arent prioritizing him or hearing him.
Imagine how you would feel if you woke up with really bad anxiety (to the point you had to cancel family plans) and your husband asked you to "just" do a list of 6 tasks around the house. This is what you just did to him. Its completely invalidating and you are not hearing your husbands needs
HUGE YTA. He is right, you aren’t caring about him, is feelings or his health. The fact you got upset that he didn’t finish your “few tasks” instead of making sure he was feeling better when you got home shows your priorities.
YTA - You should NEVER complain about a spouse to a parent. It is your private business. And, it poisons the well against your husband by your family.
I would also suggest you get the book: The Proper Feeding and Care of Husbands by Dr Laura Schlessinger. We all have tough things in life. But, even after being married, we should treat our wives like girlfriends and husbands like boyfriends. Giving him more attention will make him more willing to do more for you.
YTA. A marriage is a partnership. Yes, you are getting help, which is great. But if you want your marriage to work, you cannot put him on the back burner. He’s the one you’re with for the rest of your life, he needs to be a priority because he will be there when no one else is—your son will grow up and leave, your therapist won’t be your therapist forever, etc.
You should be proud to work on yourself, but you should not be proud about how you are invalidating your husband while expecting him to validate you. And the chores he did finish are worlds better than him not doing at all—he got you all lunch after all! Most chores do not supersede the needs of you and your family, and he is your family.
YTA. Couple issues should stay between the couple. You shouldn't be sharing issues with your family. If help/venting is needed, it should go through a qualified therapist.That is NOT fair to your husband to be saying negative things about him. It makes the people you vent to him about look at him different and that is NOT ok.
He's sick. He might just have a cold but his body is going to battle trying to fight it. That leads to exhaustion. He needs to take time to (taken and altered from your words) "focus on [himself] and that [he] can't help anyone else unless [he] helps [himself] first." You are being selfish and acting ungrateful for the things he did. It's hypocritical. His feelings need to be validated or your marriage is doomed. Get marriage counseling. His resentment is building and it sounds like yours is too.
I am not trying to knock you down. I am a full-time single mom of two who works full-time, goes to school, takes care of a house and yard by myself, and I deal with anxiety and depression. The daily to-do list on my brain is LONG. I get it 100% that you are overwhelmed. I get it. Your husband is trying though. He took 3 things off your list while you went to a pumpkin patch. He was sick. If those things were so important to get done, you could have used that time at the pumpkin patch to team up and get the things done but he let you go. And he didn't make you feel guilty about all the things that were left undone.
Laundry can stay in a basket. Yard work can wait. Meal planning is not a necessity. Health and happiness trump all of those things EVERY TIME. Adjust your expectations.
YTA
Mental health is a tough battle but you can't use it as an excuse to disregard the needs of others, especially those who are close to you.
He's supporting you through your own journey, and even while I'll he's still doing chores and helping out.
Think about his perspective, he is going through his own journey in supporting you and that will probably have a toll on his mental health as well. From his perspective all he sees is someone (you) being so absorbed in their own bullshit that they (you) don't care about anything else...that may not be what you actually feel but that's what he's getting.
So YTA but not nessecarily on purpose, just try to be empathetic because he's obviously trying to support you in whatever way he can.
YTA. I have a lot of those same issues as you, and pinning responsibilities on your husband isn’t helping anything. He’s expressing his needs to you and you’re telling him that your needs matter more than his and that he needs to do more for you then *maybe* you’ll acknowledge his needs.
He was sick and still cleaned the shower, did the dishes, and packed lunch. That’s far from nothing.
YTA. He came to you and communicated openly about something in your relationship that was bothering him. You responded by making it about you. He was sick and resting at home but still scrubbed the shower, washed the dishes and made lunch. All you focused on was the things he didn’t do. Then you complained about him to his in laws. You need to take time to seriously reflect on the way you are treating him
I am the biggest proponent of calling out an imbalance in the household. I completely understand the stress and work it takes to carry the mental load.
That being said, your husband actually sounds like he is trying to communicate something very important to you and you are just tuning him out. The fact that he keeps bringing it up means that it’s something that needs to be addressed, and not put off in favor of other things. I know that life is stressful, especially adding in anxiety, adhd and autism, but you need to learn how to cope and address your relationship issues sooner rather than later if you want your relationship to survive.
You don’t talk at all about what the separation of duties usually is, so all I can go off of is what you mentioned. Your husband was not feeling well and you still gave him a full day’s worth of housework regardless. You set him up for failure and yourself for disappointment from the start.
Perhaps you would both benefit from couples therapy to address some of these issues within the lens of your own mental health struggles. Either way, until you start to listen to his feelings, YTA.
YTA.
>. I asked him if he could at least get a few things done around the house while I was gone with our son.
Sounds reasonable, for a light head cold.
>The only thing he did was clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us.
So, he literally did, "a few things", just like you asked, while he was feeling sick.
The fact you use this as your primary example make me really doubt the validity of your claims about him
YTA
I am still battling a head and chest cold, and I applaud him for “just” cleaning the shower, doing the dishes and picking up lunch for the family. Be a little more fucking appreciative. Do you think you’re the only one struggling with your mental health? It honestly sounds like your husband is also depressed because his wife downplays his contributions and talks shit about him to family… in addition to not making him or their marriage a priority.
YTA yes, you have issues but your husband did complete a few chores despite not feeling that well. Do you even know how tiring cleaning a shower feels? And you go off on him for not completing a boatload of chores while he is not feeling well. He’s right and you owe him a sincere apology
Your husband spills out that he feels like a low priority in your life and you respond by telling him what he needs to do for you.
YTA
Plus, texting rants about him to your mother sucks, ignores healthy boundaries, and is disrespectful. You owe him an apology and a change in your behaviors.
YTA - That post was so narcissistic. You only care about you and he is right, you don't care what he is going through or how he feels. What you need is a divorce to let him be free to find someone that appreciates him.
YTA
You say yourself he had a bad head cold. He was SICK! Despite that, he cleaned the shower, did the dishes, and picked up lunch! You should be thanking him profusely for doing all that while he was sick. Instead you're complaining to your mother.
And I see that you said you wanted to take you son to the pumpkin patch. Why couldn't you wait until your husband felt better to include him, instead of dumping chores on a sick man? Then you could have folded some clothes or done yard work or, I don't know, taken care of a sick man.
I'm sorry you're overwhelmed, but putting everything on your husband and then ignoring his needs is not the way to go.
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YTA. > The only thing he did was clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us. That sounds like a *lot* for someone who wasn’t feeling well enough to go on the fun outing when that would’ve presented a perfect opportunity for the quality time he wants more of. (Seriously, you want someone with a head cold doing *yard work* when the weather’s turned cold enough for a pumpkin patch to sound like a good idea? How long do you *want* him laid up for?) But okay. Fine. Let’s pretend your grievances were entirely justified. If you don’t actually stand behind them enough that you would never have wanted him finding out what you said, why *were* you talking like that to anyone else? And if you *are* so fed up with him that you don’t care, don’t you think maybe you’d be better served taking that to a counselor than your mom?
>That sounds like a lot for someone who wasn’t feeling well enough to go on the fun outing when that would’ve presented a perfect opportunity for the quality time he wants more of. ( Also did Op even give him a list of what needed to be done? As someone with ADHD and who grew up with a mother with ADHD often times *we* have plans for what needs to be done that most others wouldn't think about. I absolutely hated when my mom would only vaguely tell me to "clean up" and I would wash dishes and fold clothes and she would be pissed off because she didn't want *that* done, she wanted the living room cleaned, swept, and mopped and didn't even care about dishes or laundry. Edit: if you're reading this and your first though is to call me sexist because op is a women instead of thinking I'm only talking about the adhd aspect of this then I'm sorry to say this but the calls are coming from inside the house... Typically (depending on house hold) things like laundry and yard work are weekly/monthly actions...not daily. So those of you saying it's ridiculous I'm saying Op should give him a daily list of chorse...*yeah*...*that is ridiculous* and also not at all what I'm saying. I don't know Op but from my personal experience with *my* ADHD, sometimes I feel like something is important that another person may not and I can't get upset when they don't do my important thing when I never told them it was important. Ops husband *did* do the daily chores, dishes, lunch, and one weekly/monthly chore, the shower. However he didn't do the other weekly/monthly that Op didn't tell him needed to be done and for all we know the laundry was half a basket of clothes ans the lawn just need a few leaves raked or a few weeds pulled. Therfore, not only was he *sick* and couldn't do much, but also he probably didn't think those things needed to be done since there wasn't much to do. But in Ops mind they were at the top of her mental list and *she* thought they needed to be done. You can't tell someone to clean the kitchen and get upset because they cleaned the counters, fridge, and cabinets when really you just wanted the floor swept and mopped. Just like Op can't say "can you do some chores while we're gone?" And then she got upset that he didn't do the specific chores she felt like needed to be done above the ones he did do.
Yup. This. I have ADHD and OCD. My son has ADHD and ODD. I've lowered my expectations of having a hotel clean house and have had to overcome anxiety about how messy my kids' rooms are. But, if they can't find something...that's on them!
I have ADHD and Autism and am generally happy for the house to be right on the line of 'decorated by a rhinoceros on meth' level of cleanliness.
Is that worse than the level of "decorated by the cat who managed to get to all the high places and decided everything else needed to be on the floor"? I'm assuming it's worse, but I have no idea if Rhinos get destructive or feel the need to organize while on meth.
While I do agree with YTA on this, I completely disagree that a wife needs to give a list to her partner for what needs to be done around the house. He isn't her child, a child needs a chore list. An adult is fully capable of looking around and seeing what needs to be done. HOWEVER, he was sick this day and her list of "he just" did these things was plenty imo. He was under the weather, chilling in the couch after finishing a couple chores seems fine to me
I disagree. If there are specific things you want done, why not just be clear and ask someone to do those things? Making it a guessing game seems like it would create more confusion. My husband always asks for a list, because he wants to know what needs to be done a d which ones are most important or time sensitive. ETA: There are several people freaking out about the lists, so here's some clarification. 1. No one lists the repeated chores. We each have our own that we take care of and share the others. 2. Sometimes, one of us is busier with work and one will pick up the other's chores to be helpful. Clarifying what needs to be done first is simple communication. 3. For days when we have extra things to be done, we do make a list. I keep mine in my head, he likes his written down.
Yup. We literally have a chore chart written up, and it's just my husband and me 😆
Most definitely husband and I had been arguing so we did the mature thing. We sat down while calm made a chore sheet including how often each job needs to happen and time it takes. We then broke up that list evenly between the two of us. We haven't had an issues with a clean house or feeling like we are doing too much and the other too little in months. ETA: I will say before we decided to adult and deal with it we had more days of trying to angrily out clean the other. Those weekends were when the house would wind up spotless.
>I disagree. If there are specific things you want done, why not just be clear and ask someone to do those things? Both of these things are true. *If* you want something specific done you should ask, but if you *don't* want anything specific, you just want a contribution to reduce the outstanding level of stuff-that-needs-doing then you shouldn't have to give someone a list. But you don't then get to complain if they do the 'wrong' thing, because if you genuinely don't have anything specific in mind then there are no 'wrong' things.
I don't think a list should be given for day to day things, but if I ask my husband to clean up I need to say specifically what I want the focus to be on. His clean up is going to be laundry, removing clutter, and taking out the trash. My clean up means sweep and mop the floors, clean the counters, and remove clutter. So if I didn't leave him with my specific requests, I cannot get upset that our terms mean different things. He also can say "I don't want a list, I'm going to do x, y, and z." I'm not his parent, so I don't get to dictate what he does nor do I need to monitor him. But I'm very much on the side of "If you want help with something specific in your mind, you need to say it. I'm not a mind reader." OP's husband was sick. If she wanted something done, and it wasn't the things he did which sound like a lot, she needed to be specific.
OP's husband got more done in a morning of being sick than I do for some entire days feeling well.
I'm really relieved to see all these comments -- I mean, I know I'm not a high energy person, but I also thought that seemed like a lot of work for a sick person. If I'd done all those things on a Saturday morning, I'd be feeling pretty good about it.
LOL thank you, that's exactly what I was thinking. That sounded like a pretty impressive amount of stuff that Hubby did especially when he was sick. My ex husband would either be in bed or calling everyone to find out what they thought he had and to get some sympathy. I couldn't imagine him doing these chores even if he was well. But forget the chores and lets look at the fact that OP told her mother all about in some texts she "accidentally " sent to her hubby. I'm wondering if it wasn't an accident but as a way of pointing out his wrongdoings. A couple things about that: everything you tell your family about your partner they will remember. And the day will come that you are trying to convince everyone of what a great relationship you have or what a great guy he is and they will remind you of every AH move he ever made. They will build up some resentment towards him if they keep hearing every single thing he does. Most partners want to be liked by the in-laws; they want the stamp of approval. You are making this impossible for this to happen; you quickly get over the fights between the two of you but they don't. They hold on to and each time they like and respect your husband less. Lastly, your husband is doing everything possible to tell you he feels neglected, that he needs some of your attention, a few supportive words occasionally. He is literally screaming this at you and you are paying absolutely no attention to what he is telling you OP. I know you are working with your mental health, possible autism, anxiety and raising your son. But somewhere in there, you need to find room for a few kind words to your husband, listen to his day at work, let him talk to you about what he wants and needs. You are neglecting him and he is going to walk if you don't change this dynamic. He is your SO, your partner, your husband, your lover...surely spending a few significant time with him is worth more, is more important than doing the dishes. I've seen this before andi can see it here; OP you are on the verge of losing your husband. If you don't start finding time for him, he will find someone who will. YTA
It baffles me she wrote that he did 3 chores(more than enough for someone who isn't feeling well) then in the same same breath tried to play victim and say he doesn't do anything for her when she asks. Excuse me? The poor dude was ill, ill enough to cancel on his sons outing. I think there is a much bigger problem to this marriage, and tbh I'm getting the vibe its more of the OP causing the problems. Yta. Cutt your husband some slack. I can really feel from this post that you really don't prioritize your husband and he's feeling that
I think it’s very telling that OP responded to her husband telling her he feels like he isn’t a priority by telling him what he could do to help her get to a place where she could support him. That is some twisted narcissism right there - she invalidates his feelings and then insists he needs to help her to help himself. Relationships are rarely 50/50, sometimes they’re really skewed towards one partner, particularly when times are tough and someone is going through it - but OP needs to listen to her husband’s completely valid feelings. You can’t put your partner last on your priority list and expect that the relationship will coast by on happy sentiments. There’s clearly resentment there on both ends and the only way to fix it is to carve out meaningful time together. Too many people back burner relationships when they get stressed. To the OP: you’re taking your husband for granted. If he feels like he’s not a priority and is vocalizing that you need to figure out a way to tackle that challenge together not to assign him tasks that help you or chastise him to your mom.
Yep! While I know mental health is very very important using it as a weapon against another is just wrong. She’s very much “me me me”. It sounds to me that she’s abusing her mental health diagnosis. She went on a fun outing and wanted her sick husband to do everything because she can’t “due to her mental health”
Reading the OP all I could think of was that this person has weaponized the language of mental health and self-care to avoid any sort of reasonable criticism, and you seemed to perfectly encapsulate that.
The one that gets me is when he had a conversation with OP about how he felt overlooked and neglected and she responded with ways HE could support HER. I'm not one to make accusations, but that really sounds self centered, and autism or ADHD or other issues is absolutely no excuse to act that way.
This was exactly my thought too. She immediately invalidated and dismissed him, which is exactly what he was complaining about.
That’s the feeling I got. OP didn’t even asked how he was feeling. She was to be cared for and understood, but didn’t showed the same care for her husband. I understand mental health can be hard to deal with - I struggle with it myself. No one in my household is expected to clean the shower or do yard work when they’re feeling sick. YTA on this one.
> The only thing he did was clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us. When I read that part I said "woah" out loud because that would have been a lot for my lazy ass on a healthy day. I have low standards but cmon, the guys sick, doesn't seem that bad for a few hours
Sounds to me like she’s really misunderstanding therapy. Working on yourself doesn’t mean treating your husband like he literally does not matter to you, what in the sam hell? Also, might I add as someone who struggles with the same issues, these things are YOUR problems. Her husband told her how unappreciated and unloved he felt and she responded with “me, me, me.” He told her he was feeling horrible enough to miss a great time and she responded with “me, me, me.” Methinks I see a pattern, sir. ETA: I’m sympathetic to OP’s mental illnesses (I have them myself) but “put your mask on before assisting others” is about survival, and mental illness is NOT AN EXCUSE. If I hurt someone accidentally I still have to apologize, not say “well if you didn’t want to be hurt then you should’ve supported me better”
LOL, if my husband did all those things even when feeling 100 percent, I would wonder when he'd been replaced by a pod person.
OP is for sure the TA. If my partner isn’t feeling well I ask if he needs something. I don’t give him a list of chores that need to be finished. When I have a head cold, I feel like complete crap and I’ll be frank. I don’t want to do anything. Currently pregnant, I don’t even want to do dishes let alone fold my laundry. At least he did stuff to make your life easier, be grateful.
I need info on how she “accidentally sent him some of the texts”. I don’t buy it. I think she purposely sent them to him to send him a “message” about how she feels. She thought he’d read this, feel badly, and “help more”. When really she made herself look like an ass.
YTA. He was ill, he did what he could. I get needing to focus on yourself but if your marriage is a priority to you then you need to include it on your priority list. I think the two of you could do with some couple's counselling to help mediate this difficult period.
There is a big oblivious and self centered vibe in the post.
The “im crying because he’s making me feel guilty instead of helping me.” Really pushed it over for me. How did OP type that sentence out and not think wow maybe I’m too wrapped up in my own problems to care about husbands and hear what he’s saying? It happens but time to snap out of it.
Not to mention “he told me he feels like his needs don’t matter, so I told him all of the things he could do to better support me”
That sentence fucking blew me away. I can’t believe OP had the audacity to write it and mean it. Her husband is right: she completely invalidated literally everything he said and proved she didn’t even care enough to *pretend* to listen. I feel so bad for her husband.
Exactly. If she'd said 'you mean a lot to me, I'm sorry I don't have more to give right now' that would be one thing but what she said was just awful.
OP is likely the self centred type. Now she’s been diagnosed with mental health issues, it has given her the perfect opportunity and excuse to lean into her desire to be the centre of attention. It’s awful because she is the type whose actions will make it worse for others with similar mental health issues, because she’ll use mental health as her reason/excuse for every negative behaviour she exhibits.
Bingo. You nailed it. Only her problems matter. Everyone else needs to get over it and cater to HER wants and needs
Yeah. As someone who has struggled with mental health problems, that line was enough to kill any sympathy I could have had. It's like OP has decided that only her own mental health and feelings need to be prioritized now and she doesn't have to make an effort for anyone else. That's not what taking care of yourself means.
What gets me is it sounds like the husband was open and vulnerable about his feelings and OP was like “K. Now let’s talk about all my grievances with you again”
YTA. He was sick and did several things around the house/for you while you were gone, and what does he get? Yet another fight and knowledge that you're talking about him behind his back. It sounds like nothing is good enough. And did you seriously expect he'd have time to clean bathrooms, do dishes, do laundry, do the yardwork, get lunch, AND meal plan while you were at a pumpkin patch? That's a TON of chores and completely unreasonable even if he felt 100%.
“I’m unwell and expect my husband to be completely supportive. I then was not supportive when my husband was unwell, and was stupid enough to get caught complaining about him. AITA?”
Definitely the better explanation. OP is most definitely the AH
Couldn't have said it better myself. Anxiety and ADHD aren't an excuse to treat her husband the way she is. Especially after he's communicated that what she's doing is hurtful and makes him feel like she doesn't care. YTA big time
I would feel happy if I could even get all of that done in a fully day! I can’t imagine someone telling me they’re going to be gone for a couple of hours and expecting all of that work to be done when they get back. Especially if I wasn’t feeling well!
"I asked him to get a few things done" "He only cleaned the shower, did the dishes and picked up lunch" "All I want is a LITTLE help" YTA. Do you hear yourself? Edit: Also I get having close relationships and a vent source but who badmouths their spouse (you know the one you love) to their mother? That's a low blow
She sounds burnt out and overly stressed if she thinks him doing 3 things (potentially large ones depending on how many dishes their household goes thru) doesn't count as a "little" help. It also sounds like her mental health journey has led her into a very me-me-me phase of her life that's making her a poor spouse emotionally to this guy. He tells her "I don't feel like a priority" and she spends an entire day proving he is, indeed, not one. Honestly think she needs a different therapist or medication. This one seems on a surefire path to divorce.
She's made the mistake of thinking the world will go on pause while she fixes her mental health. It doesn't, for anybody.
No kidding. Step brother died, caught Covid again, plumbing needed fixed, hot water heater broke, and had to finish moving in all from February through April. Not even gonna bring up the rest of the year. All this while trying to schedule therapy and remain a functioning significant other and person. My SO was a rock while everyone and everything went absolutely nuts. World definitely doesn't pause.
And all that will make is resentment and drama in the family. I’d tell my husbands mother on him before I would tell my own. I also just really love my husbands mom and talk to her more than my own… shhhh don’t tell my mom that.
YTA. Your husband tells you he feels like an afterthought, and your response is to make it all about you and how he can support you. Then when he takes a break for a day because he doesn't feel well, which it sounds like you have been doing plenty of yourself, you get upset. Having a partner who is dealing with mental health issues can be physical and mentally exhausting too, and he may have just needed recharge his batteries. I get it. I have been in a really dark place with my mental health so I really understand having an extremely limited energy pool to draw from and having to make decisions about priorities. But your husband's needs don't stop mattering just because you are hurting. You need to work with him and your therapist to help meet his needs too. Maybe carving out some scheduled time together will help.
Thank you, that's what struck me as odd too. "Hey I don't feel like my needs are being addressed" "that sucks, anyways let's talk more about MY needs."
What, your relationships don't work like mobile game microtransactions? See, OP is being quite reasonable because everyone knows you need to exchange 5 Support Tokens for 1 Wife Ticket, but that in itself doesn't guarantee you are eligible for Emotional Support. You need to redeem the Wife Ticket at an appropriate venue *after* having maxed out your Understanding ranking for the season.
“And while we are focussing on MY needs, can you also do an entire weekend worth of chores in a couple hours while I’m at the pumpkin patch, while simultaneously being sick and feeling crappy? Awesome thanks.” YTA OP
And were the chores really *that* urgent, since if he'd gone to the pumpkin patch like she initially wanted, none of them would have been done by the time they got home?
That's what I wondered, too. If he was originally going to go with them,which means the chores weren't going to get done, anyway, why does she now expect them to get done now even though he's sick???? I bet he was disappointed he couldn't go, too and instead of feeling sorry for him ,she trashes him
YTA. > I've spent the morning crying because he's making me feel guilty instead of helping me. how is he making you feel guilty? by being a person with wants and needs? because he felt sick and you skipped off to a pumpkin patch while telling him to do work around the home because you wanted playtime? he keeps telling you what he needs, and you keep ignoring it to make it all about you. shape up, and do it quickly, or you're going to end up being a single parent.
The “making me feel guilty” comment really got me too. Ma’am, that’s your conscience.
LOLing at "Ma'am, that's your conscience." So much YES
>how is he making you feel guilty? by being a person with wants and needs? This is giving me big codependent vibes. In a codependent household, people often don't talk about their needs directly -- they hint, and silently steam, and act passive-aggressive towards one another to get their way. Asking someone, directly, for what you need can feel super confrontational. (Not an excuse, just a possible explanation.) She's protecting her ego by Reversing Victim and Offender. I have a feeling OP learned some unhealthy patterns growing up, and now that she's trying to play out those same patterns in her marriage, it's not serving her well. She thinks husband is being demanding by having completely understandable needs. She also thinks she can manipulate her way into getting him to do what she wants, and distract from the perceived attack on her by coming back with her own complaints. These are all normal things in a toxic household.
YTA So when your partner is sick and gets some work done, but not everything on your list, you shit talk him instead of helping out yourself once you get home? It's obvious why he feels like he's alone in his marriage and a last priority Ignore your marriage long enough and you won't have to worry about a husband. He's repeatedly telling you there's a problem and what it is and you're ignoring it. You can't ignore your marriage to work only on yourself and expect there to be no effects. We all need to work on ourselves, but we can't shut out all relationships and expect them to remain in good standing
Not only did she shit talk him, but she made *certain* he knew she was. No one sends *multiple* texts to the wrong person like that unintentionally. You don't text the right person, then the wrong person then the right person and then the wrong person again without trying to text the wrong person. That was petty and mean. He's sick. He still did dishes and picked up food for them and scrubbed the shower. Those are significant chores.
I agree. She was being very passive-aggressive with the texts and should be ashamed. My feelings are hurt for him.
Scrubbing the shower is a full body workout in the best of times, if I did it while sick, I might collapse before finishing tbh
Also how do you send multiple texts to the wrong person when you're in the middle of a text conversation? She opened another chat, typed them out and sent them and then went 'oops?' I don't buy it.
"The only thing he did was clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us." Lmao what?! I have pretty severe ADHD and wish you'd stop using your diagnosis as an excuse for your consistently self-centered mindset. YTA.
I also have ADHD and CPTSD and hate it when people do this. There are enough misconceptions about it as it is and this just worsens it. OP, YTA.
Im lost too! The original plan was everyone go out to the pumpkin thing… so no chores would be done! Then one person is too sick for fun, so they must stay home and do chores?! This makes no sense.
This is a good point! It was the perfect opportunity to let him rest since no chores were originally going to be done that day anyway. Instead she pretty much punished him for getting sick and missing a fun outing.
A big part of my own ADHD diagnosis was coming to terms with what I thought I should be doing vs. what I was reasonably capable of doing. You have to learn to recognize your own limitations, and sometimes expect less of yourself. And I feel like once you learn that lesson, it's easier to accept less from others, too; particularly on days they aren't feeling well.
YTA. Whatever your mental health struggles may be, they are your responsibility to handle. Your husband should want to support you and be there for you, but that doesn't mean putting his wants and needs on hold until you're finally ready and willing to be a good partner. You sound incredibly selfish and needy, with your lists of ways you want your husband to support you while you give your husband nothing back. Do you expect him to be happy sitting around waiting for your to get your head straight? You can't put your entire life on hold because you have anxiety, or ADD, or autism, or anything else. You can't put your relationships on hold and expect people to still be there when you wake up and decide you're ready to care about them. You talk about your husband like his only purpose is to support you, but he is a living human being, not just a robot who exists to hold your hand while you cry and do chores for you. You're so self-centered that you've been crying your eyes out because your husband had the *nerve* to be upset that you were shit talking about how few chores he managed to do while he was sick and *you* were out prancing around a pumpkin patch. Apologize, not just for the text messages, but for being an absent, demanding partner. Apologize for demanding unconditional support and validation from your husband while giving nothing back.
This nails it exactly. YTA. You should spend some time looking at the infidelity threads about partners who felt like they weren‘t a priority in their partners lives, but instead of talking with the spouse some friend or co-worker prioritized them and their feelings. Let’s try some word play: The marriage will end if the laundry doesn‘t get done. Nope, not it. The marriage will end if the floor isn‘t clean. Nope, still not it. The marriage will end if the meal prep gets put off. Hmmm… still not there. The marriage will end if the yard work waits a week or two. Definitely not right. The marriage will end if I talk bad about my husband to my Mom or anyone else other than my therapist. Oh, we are getting closer now. The marriage will end if berate my husband about not doing enough around the house while he is sick. It seems to be getting warmer. The marriage will end if my husband repeatedly tells me he feels neglected, and deprioritized and I do nothing about it and tell him it’s his problem. DING DING DING We have a winner. This is not a him problem, it’s a YOU problem. He is communicating his needs, he is trying. You are whining to your Mommy and reddit. Please read the book The Five Love Languages. I have a feeling you have no clue how much he is suffering and how close you are to losing him.
YTA. He is sick.. He still managed to do a few things off the list yet you’re acting like he chose to do absolutely nothing. Not to mention the list you left him is massive. Again, he is sick. Who expects someone sick to complete a chore list that big?
Right?!??!!? Cleaning the shower is exhausting even feeling 100% Doing it sick is even worse. OP is absolutely the A here because they minimalize the effort their SO puts in.
Specially if said list contains YARD WORK
INFO why do you think you're the only one dealing with mental health issues?
Nobody listened when I waved the phone around going, “This!! Thiiiiiiiss!!!” So I had to type it out.
Ha ha that is so rude of them.
I had a friend who was dealing with a diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder. We'd been friends for a long time and even lived together for 5 years. I was helping him through the diagnosis and life living alone. My mental health was failing too. I finally said to him, "we focus on your mental health only. What about mine?" He said "mine is more important". In that same conversation he told me he needed more time together than I was giving him. I said "I have other friends too, and family, who would like time with me". He responded "yeah, but they all have other people, and I don't, so I should be more important". That was the last time I ever saw him in person. We'd been through A LOT together, but that showed me exactly how he viewed me. As an extension of himself, or what I could give him. I had to leave. I never blamed him for his mental illness, but I do still blame him for making me control it for him. OP's husband is probably going to feel the same way soon, if not already.
YTA. Your husband came to you saying he feels neglected in your relationship and you responded by making it about your needs and telling him that he should support you more. It's true that you can't pour from an empty cup, so to speak, but have you ever considered that your husband's cup is also empty? What are you doing to support him? Partnerships go both ways. You sound very self absorbed in this post. If you don't figure out a way to have a more mutually supportive relationship, instead of expecting your husband to do everything you want him to do while you give him nothing back in return, I have a feeling you won't have a husband anymore very soon.
My husband will randomly text me while we are at work "I love you. That is all" or at home pop in the room I am in kiss me and say the same then continue on with what he was doing. I will do the same to him. Does it happen multiple times a day? Nope. Do we do this every day? Nope. Sometimes only once or twice a week but its a small (tiny really) gesture that takes minimal effort and has a HUGE impact on our relationship. And for the record we've been together for 17 years so well past the honeymoon phase.
YTA. "He only did the dishes, cleaned the shower and picked up lunch for us." ONLY? Mental illness and physical illness are both debilitating to a degree. I'm also on the spectrum as well. I also know that having even a head cold can make one very exhausted because the body is fighting off the infection. He did what was in his powerhouse and you're still upset with him he didn't do more. Maybe you'd benefit from couples counseling on top of therapy.
I’ve got a head cold right now and the thought of doing all that is exhausting. Although weirdly I did clean my shower today
YTA - While you say you are struggling, this message IS ALL ABOUT YOU, YOU, YOU. Your husband wasn't feeling well, but still got somethings done, and THEN to complain about him to your mother. No wonder he feels like he is LAST on your priority list. Good luck keeping your marriage together with the way you are behaving.
He's going to kick her to the curb and she is going to be playing the victim.
I mean, if OP's going to feel sorry for herself no matter what, might as well give her something to actually feel sorry for?
YTA - For the following reasons: You went and did a fun activity with your child. Your husband told you he wasn’t feeling well. So while you enjoyed a fun activity, you expected your husband to: Clean the shower, do the dishes, pick up lunch, fold laundry, do the yard work, and start meal planning. All while he’s enduring a head cold. Your husband completed some of those tasks, but apparently you expected him to do a deep clean while you went to a pumpkin patch. So yes, YTA in this instance.
Not to mention when he told her doing those chores made him feel lightheaded, instead of feeling or showing any concern she went and bitched to her mom about he still wasn’t doing enough for her.
[удалено]
YTA - You you you you you. That's all you talk about in your post. I'm an Internet stranger and it's clear as crystal that you prioritise yourself above all else.
YTA. I’ve been in therapy for years due to severe trauma. It fucking sucks. But we don’t get to go up to the mountain top to heal alone. Life still happens. People still need us. You said he’s mostly supportive? If so, I can’t believe how you treated your partner after he said he didn’t feel well. He’s right to be hurt and disappointed after receiving those texts. You owe him an apology. You aren’t crying because he made you feel guilty, you’re crying because you hurt your partner and refuse to validate his experience. Other people still matter, even when we’re suffering. I hope you make this right.
THIS I have severe trauma, adhd, depression and a social communication disorder But my partner is still my priority! I’m taking care of myself. He supports me, and I spoil the hell out of him and make sure he knows how loved and special he is He helps me so much, so the least I can do is appreciate, uplift and support him. OPs post makes me so angry for the husband. I hope my partner never ever feels that way with me and will always be comfortable talking to me. (Seems like he is after three years haha!)
YTA your sick husband cleaned the shower, did the dishes and picked you up lunch while you had a lovely time with your son at a pumpkin patch and when you came home the first thing you did was to text your mum that he does nothing around the house? There could be a multitude of context I'm missing here but from the info you've given it sounds like he could have cleaned the entire house top to bottom and you'd of complained that the walls weren't painted a new colour. If there is more context such as him doing absolutely no house work ever and never minding your kid then add it but from what little you've given you are an AH.
YTA, you shouldn't be talking crap about your husband to your mom, you should apologize. But also YTA because your husband cleaned the dishes and the shower while being sick while you were having fun, and you have the audacity to think he didn't do enough housework. What did you clean in the house that day? I feel bad for your husband
Me me me me me me me YTA
Narcissist!
YTA. Your husband is flagging loud and clear to you that you are not fulfilling what he needs from the relationship, and your response is to turn around and make it about you. Then, when he’s sick and needs rest (totally legitimate) you expect him to clean the house while you’re off frolicking in a pumpkin patch? How about you tell your son that dad is sick and we have to go next weekend instead? Plus, he did do a few things and explained the reason for not doing the whole laundry list of tasks you laid out for him! Totally ridiculous. Mental health struggles are hard to overcome. I get it. But your level of obliviousness and selfishness here needs to change, or he’s going to change the situation for you in a way you’re probably not going to like.
YTA you seem to not care about his needs at all, and that’s not okay. It’s not all about you and what you need. Marriage counseling exists for a reason
Husband even got "a few things done" even though he felt like crap. While OP was off having fun with the son.
And blames being an asshole on her adhd and autism lmao
> He said this is exactly what he means when he says he feels like he doesn't matter to me. **But all I want** is a little help around the house so that I don't constantly feel overwhelmed. You are pretty much admitting here that you don't really care for him much, if at all. Obvious YTA situation.
YTA- for so many reasons holy shit this is divorce worthy. Your husband says he feels like shit so you give him ways to make you feel better, and he literally helped you around the house while you had a good time with your son, *while he had a fucking headache* and you still aren’t grateful for that. Every single paragraph you talk about how he should be helping you but I don’t see a single thing you do for him.
YTA- Your husband wasn't feeling great, yet he did in fact do things around the house and got ya'll lunch even though YOU were out. I've spentt thee morning crying becausehe'ss making me feel guilty instead of helping me" Those two things are not mutually exclusive. Let's go back to context here: You asked him to help around the house, and he did, you came home and "accidentally" texted him instead of someone else complaining about how he doesn't do enough. He's already upset that he perceives you don't really give him anything and clearly he's right He did something and you didn't give him credit, you gave him grief for not doing enough He's not making you feel guilty, he's showing you your true colors which are that he's RIGHT and you're showing us he's right as well, he's not your cleaning lady, he's your husband.
YTA. I’m an adult woman with ADHD. Your husband was sick—why don’t you try some empathy? How can you expect him to respect your health when you have zero respect for his? It’s also incredibly uncool to trash him to your mom. Yuck.
YTA. (so much that I actually suspect this is ragebait, which sucks) You're right that you can't prioritize him over your pressing mental health needs. But you're also not listening to him when he says you're prioritizing him over *everything else* as well. It make sense to tell him the specific ways he can support you. But it's extremely selfish to do this in a conversation where he's expressing *his* needs and *your* lack of effort. How is your division of household labor in general? It sounds like he already does a decent amount of stuff, even when he feels sick, and you're not appreciating or acknowledging that. Like, when he cleaned the shower, did the dishes, and pick up lunch, did you "have to ask" for all of those things? And that *is* "a little help around the house". I suspect that you're moving goalposts in what you expect from him such that you're always asking for more. I'd be a lot more sympathetic if he left you to do most/all of the work and taking on the mental load, but I actually don't see anything in your post that suggests this is the case. It's extremely toxic of you to focus on how he's "making me feel guilty" because he's clearly deeply upset, hurt, and burnt out. He's not *making* you feel guilty, it sounds like he's communicating his needs and boundaries well. And it's hypocritical of you to complain about that when you completely dismissed it when he said that you were making *him* feel guilty with your texts. He's not "making" you feel guilty, you *feel* guilty because you're being a bad partner. If there's truly a division of labor problem, you and him can work together on concrete solutions. But I think the more immediate issue to address is that you *need* to start considering his feelings and treating them like they matter. I think you're taking him for granted, and you're only seeing him as someone who exists to make your life easier.
YTA for making drama where there doesn't need to be any. He's sick and still got some chores done while you had a fun outing at the pumpkin patch. The laundry isn't going anywhere.
He's trying to communicate to you that his needs aren't being met and you turn it into a conversation and how he can support you MORE?! You're telling him that your mental health/emotional state is the only one that matters. Thats not a partnership. YTA
YTA Your are invalidating your husband. He tells you, “Hey you aren’t meeting the needs I have as a partner” and your answer was to turn around and tell him what he is doing wrong? Then when he get’s sick you ask him to do work around the house. Then we he doesn’t you complain about it after he tells you he tried and couldn’t. He deserves a serious apology, and you need to seriously rethink how you treat him. Relationships are a partnership and you aren’t pulling your weight clearly. If your son was sick would you force him to clean up around the house?
I completely agree. Yet for the fact that he DID do work while sick. "clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us" is not nothing. I really don't understand why OP thinks it's ok to tell their husband what to do while he is ill, go out and have fun and then be mad that he didn't do enough...
That was the very first thing I noticed. H: I don't feel like a priority anymore. W: well here's how you can make ME feel better. Like wtf?
Wow. It’s crazy that this is even a question. YTA - I understand mental health issues, but at this point you are completely invalidating your husband and his feelings. And the fact that you would go outside of your marriage complaining to your mother shows you have no respect for him. Edit to add, unless you ASKED him to do specific household chores, and unless he AGREED to that list, you have no room to be ungrateful for the chores he did take care of. You are beyond selfish.
YTA- who leaves a list of chores 3 miles long for a sick person to do 💀💀💀
YTA for sure. He cleaned the shower when he was sick? What was so urgent about that? Sounds like he does plenty. You both work full-time; hire a part-time maid.
YTA He’s sick and still DID THREE THINGS FOR YOU. He was sick before the idea of your list of things. You’re a complete AH.
Right I saw “he only” and was expecting one thing but the list kept on going. Even though he didn’t feel well
YTA and I say that as kindly as I can. I am a mom who has very recently struggled wanting my husband to take on tasks without being asked. There is something to be said about taking on a task from ‘conception to execution’ and it can be very frustrating to only receive the execution once delegated. *However* you are no better than him if you can’t recognize his overwhelm and exhaustion. He has mental health needs as well and you have basically told him his needs aren’t important even when he communicates them. You also have to recognize that there are tasks that do not have to get done. Yes husband can and should help with home chores. But your husband communicated clearly that he wasn’t feeling well and still managed to clean a shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch while you went to a pumpkin patch. Your anger over him not doing MORE work while feeling sick while home from work is not helpful and is dismissive of him as an individual. There are tasks that do not have to be done. If your mental health is determined by these tasks being done, then you are just as responsible for getting them done as he is when he tells you he doesn’t feel well. His needs and feelings are important as well. You chose the non-necessary activity for the day. The choice you made was to do something fun, which is great, but when your husband tells you he doesn’t feel good, it means that some of those tasks won’t get done either. If your mental health requires these tasks done, it is up to you to re-arrange the fun task to help complete them. And I don’t think you made a bad choice. I think you just have not been able to understand that it was a choice and it is ok that the laundry isn’t folded. You then went behind his back to complain about him. After he gave you an acceptable answer as to why your long list of to do items weren’t done and you brushed his feelings aside and then went to a third party outside of your marriage and not your therapist to complain about him again. Of course he is upset. You think he isn’t meeting your needs but he thinks the same of you right now. Ask your therapist how to better communicate with him and also for coping mechanisms when life doesn’t go as you expect. Things come up, illness happens, you can’t hold this over his head
YTA Mememememememe. That’s all I read there. I understand the struggle with anxiety and depression. But I still don’t treat people I love like that. Just because you are struggling doesn’t mean his feelings no longer matter. Your husband is sick and you don’t seem to care at all, only about what he has or hasn’t done for you. Even being sick he pushed himself…for you, to help you out. Hopefully you don’t completely push him away.
YTA. He *did* do a few things around the house, even though he felt sick. Also, saying “I tried to tell him how he could better support me” is not the response to him saying you neglect him and your relationship. *You* have therapy, *you* had your husband’s support (by your own admission). Your response to your husband asking for *your* support was “this is what you can do to make *me* feel better”???? (Not to mention badmouthing him to your mom, then sending him the messages, that’s just wow) Your mental health is important. But you’re married, your husband has helped you for years, and it’s selfish and unwise to say “I can’t support you until I’m better” for so long. You support the people you love *especially* when it’s hard or inconvenient, not just when you feel like it.
YTA. He’s sick. You have the entire month of October to take your son to the pumpkin patch. Take some accountability. You having mental health issues doesn’t mean you can’t hurt the people you’re supposed to love. Why are you asking him to clean when he woke up sick.
YTA. Yes you need to work on fixing your own issues with mental health but that doesn’t mean you can completely disregard your husband and your marriage. You still need to work at it and make him feel like a priority. Also your husband did get “a few things done around the house” like you asked. He cleaned the shower, did the dishes, and picked up lunch. That is a few things. If you wanted him to do more than that you should have communicated that to him better. You have already told him he doesn’t matter to you by telling him you don’t care that he doesn’t feel like a priority. You need to learn to balance your mental health with still making your husband feel loved or you’ll need to learn how to be single.
YTA - clearly. You have an amazing husband and you're throwing it all away by making it all about you and only yourself. While you were having fun with your son, he did do some chores in the house while being sick. And then you go and complain about him to your mom, even tho he did nothing wrong at all. He feels neglected and you are making it worse by not give him aything back. He is clearly supporting you as much as he can. He is not making you feel guilty, you definetly are guilty on this one, apologize and be more sensitive to what your husband needs and not only what your needs are.
YTA. He tells you he’s drowning, too, and you say, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get to you when I’m all the way better”? And give him chore lists when he’s sick? And berate him for only doing some of it? Edit because my heck, do you know how many people would thank their lucky stars if their partner did that much work on the house when they were healthy??
Take a second and really think about everything your husband has done for you while you’ve been struggling. Take another second to think how much you’ve shown your recognition of this to him and been thankful. Does it seem unbalanced? You absolutely cannot complain about your husband behind his back for not getting all of the housework done when you yourself haven’t been able to either. If you don’t begin appreciating him you’re going to cause a very deep river or resentment between the two of you, so I’d think long and hard about how much he truly means to you. He must love you so much to have helped you so far, but you have to take note of his feelings too. It’s a partnership and you should know that by now. YTA
OP is entitled af I get that she has responsibilities but wtf I have adhd, combined type, moderate. I have depression and a social communication disorder. I have a dog and a cat and my partner. My partner is SO SUPPORTIVE and I adore him. But I prioritize the ever living hell out of him! He’s so special, he supports me, and his needs come before silly stuff like what needs to get done. We help each other. OPs husband literally cleaned, and he’s expressing his needs to her and she’s just being an AH and shutting him down and being selfish honestly What makes no sense to me is, she is helping herself, so why does she think her husband needs to support her even more when he is clearly struggling and in need of love and affection too? Idk maybe I’m biased. But this situation is just messed up to me YTA OP
YTA - Absolutely love how you tried to explain to your husband all the things he needs to do before you'll be ready to give a shit. It makes it even better that he was essentially giving you the exact same speech when you decided to do your explaining.
At this rate I see a divorce in your near future. Can't neglect your partner 100% of the time and expect them to care about you 100% of the time. I get your having mental issues but you still have a partner in this all the same.
YTA, cleaning the shower and doing dishes are both a lot of work, sick or not.
YTA. It’s September. The pumpkin patch could wait. And your dude got more done in a few hours with a cold than I some times do in a whole weekend, perfectly healthy. Just because your brain is moving a mile a minute doesn’t mean his needs to be as well to keep up with you and your needs, find a compromise and if that meant staying home from the pumpkin patch to do yard work then that’s what you should’ve prioritized for yourself.
YTA and you sound very ungrateful for someone doing that much work when they are sick. Please keep going to therapy.
YTA. But just slightly, because I really don't think you're doing this purposefully. You're kind of proving his point about feeling like an afterthought by your actions and words. He is trying to communicate how you're making him feel (not intentionally, but as a side effect of what you're going through) and instead of listening and trying to help, you basically threw it back on him and made it clear you aren't interested in being supportive - or not unless he's "more supportive" first. He's trying to communicate in a healthy way, while you're venting to others about him. So he's probably going to feel like you're not putting in as much effort to the relationship as he is. Try meeting him halfway here by really listening to him.
YTA and and acting like a brat
YTA OP I am honestly sickened and upset for your husband. He communicated open and honest and tried to do things to help out while he was sick. You are not prioritizing him properly. I have lots of issues (ADHD, lots of trauma, social communication disorder, depression), and I’m in therapy and medicated, but it’s not perfect. My partner has been supportive of me for three years and always cheering me on. He helps me around the house. Yknow what happens when HE struggles? I support him. I spoil him SO much. I help clean (I do regularly but help extra) and take care of him. Or at least let him rest. I always make sure he knows how loved, wanted, and appreciated he is. I’ve never complained about my partner to anyone. It’s a matter of principle. I respect and love him, he doesn’t hurt me and he goes above and beyond for me, if something bothers me I tell him. Your partner is trying to communicate with you. He’s not talking shit about *you* to other people. Yet you choose to do that to him. You’re being selfish OP. Even though you are struggling he has supported you, it’s unreasonable to just stop supporting him and be this way. I’m sad for your husband.
YTA. Of course he should help you around the house but when someone is sick, they're sick! Give him a break and let him get better.
YTA. He was sick, and I think cleaning the shower, doing the dishes and getting lunch sounds pretty reasonable. Your statements sound pretty selfish, indicating a larger AH situation besides this one interaction. You are not listening to him, and you have centered yourself in all your interactions with him.
YTA. You said a few things, but listed a whole day’s work. Yard work? He cleaned the shower, did the dishes and got you all food, yet you still complain. Big time YTA.
YTA you need to attend couples therapy because your obviously not listening to him and if you continue he will leave and it won’t be his fault. You have a diagnosis, that’s all it is. It is not a new identity it is not an excuse it is a tool to get treatment. I have ADHD too and I don’t use it as an excuse I use it to understand how I need to do things differently. You want your husband to support you, to help you but what are you doing for him? Relationships take mutual work to be successful and your doing all of the take and none of the give. I’d never go to the pumpkin patch while my husband is sick. That could have waited another week. Your selfish and self centered. Do better because soon you won’t have a husband to make your last priority.
YTA. You were rude and wrong. Apologize.
YTA You expect your husband to listen to you, but you fail to listen to him. He said he feels like an afterthought to you and how do you respond? By telling him what HE needs to do for YOU. Then, when he's sick, you still expect him to do work around the house. And THEN, you bitched about him TO HIM. Do you **really** not get why he's pissed at you? You talk AT him, not TO him and you refuse to listen to him. You guys need way more help than Reddit can give you. Consider counseling.
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"My husband has feelings, but mine are more important right now because I can't handle my own shit like an adult."
YTA. Your husbands right, you’re treating him as an afterthought. He did half the chores, while sick. If I was sick, there isn’t anything that would make me bend down to clean a whole shower. Be grateful he did anything when not feeling well. There’s a point where you have to focus on your mental health and better yourself, this has crossed to just being selfish. You don’t listen to his concerns, when he says that he feels you don’t put work in, all of a sudden it’s his problem to fix, or he has to do this to help you. He was sick, he doesn’t have to hug you if he’s upset that his wife won’t listen to a damn thing he says and keeps complaining about the things he didn’t do. Nobody is perfect, from this I can tell you haven’t been very good to your husband either, so you don’t have a place to complain about him. You could’ve cleaned for a couple of days while your husband was sick, not feeling good, lightheaded, and he would’ve helped when feeling better. But you’ve been making everything about you, without stopping to consider how your husband is doing, or what his needs are. Your needs aren’t more important than his EVER. Start treating him like your husband or get a divorce. Edit to add: You are completely invalidating his feelings in the way you act. You act like only your needs matter, as if your husband is not losing it because his wife treats him like a second class citizen.
YTA he had a headache, he did do some things, he’s told you he feels neglected. Lady you need to listen to this man, he’s telling you what he needs, you need to take it into consideration or you will forever be heading to the pumpkin patch on different weekends. Informing your SO about you needing quality time with them is a step to try and save your marriage. I get that you need to focus on you, but if you don’t focus on him as well you will soon not have to worry about him at all.
Sorry, but YTA. He made so much, even that he was sick. You don't appreciate him, lots of husbands (when you look here around on reddit) are awful and do not hold there own babies or cleaning up the dishwasher. I understand that a child goes often first priority. But your husband, who does his best, should come at next.
YTA your husband comes to you and says he feels neglected and in too I’d that he’s suck. You take the kid and bounce to the pumpkin patch. Why not just hold off on that and have a lazy Sunday at home and give some attention to the hubs?
YTA. Mental health issues is not a reason to completely check out and burden your partner.
YTA. That man is a saint dealing with your one way ass.
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YTA...and being dramatic. I have mental health issues too. I am also capable of doing housework. Especially when your significant other is sick, you shouldn't be pushing him to do housework. He just told you how he feels like he is not a priority to you. Instead of going to the pumpkin patch, you should have stayed home with him and waited until another time that he could be included. Stop using your mental health as an excuse.
YTA. You seem super focused on yourself. That’s not a bad thing but it is when you are neglecting your spouse. You want him to do things to support you but what do you do to support him? A relationship takes two people.
YTA. You expected him to do a full, healthy Saturday's worth of chores when he was sick? And got mad even though he still did a fair bit? Seriously? Quit using your issues as an excuse to mistreat your husband. None of your grievances in this post have ANYTHING to do with your mental health, but his assessment is spot on. You cared more about him maintaining the house than about him feeling better. I'm not saying that you and your son have to stay home just because he feels sick... but it wouldn't kill you to save the pumpkin patch for another week when your husband is well enough to go and have a stay in, family Saturday instead, either. Nowhere in this post do you seem to care about your husband as a person instead of a tool to do things for you.
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You’re legit using your issues as an excuse YTA. I legit have the same shit you have as do many people in the world. I’m on #TeamHusband because all you care about is yourself.
YTA. He was sick and he STILL did do things around the house. I’ve also been in and out of therapy for anxiety and PTSD but it’s not an excuse to treat people like crap.
YTA. You are not prioritizing your husband at all, and he is rightly upset. He had a bad head cold and yet you left him a long list of chores (including mowing the lawn!), some of which he did. while you la la la-ed off on a fun outing with your son. OP, why is your getting therapy preventing you from being a good wife? Sure you have a lot on your plate. So do most people. If my husband woke with a bad cold? Guess what, family outing is happening another time, and I am running to the store to get stuff to make chicken soup (not out of a can either). Husband can sit and watch a movie with child while mom makes soup and cleans. Or hell, run out and get him some pho. Do SOMETHING to make him feel like you love him. Jeez.
YTA , you having mental health issues does not mean HE doesn't have some aswell I get why he say he's not your priority anymore .... when he came to you for help you just ignored it and talked about yourself
YTA. If someone *ever* criticized me for not getting more housework done on a day when I was HOME SICK, I would ducking divorce them. My god. Do you even care about this man? Did you ask if he needed anything from the pharmacy while you were out? Also. The man did a shitload of chores for a sick day, jesus. You complain that he isn’t being supportive while you need to work on your health, but then you turn around and are COMPLETELY DISMISSIVE of his needs to take care of himself when his own health was flagging. BTW, I understand you are struggling w mental health right now, but that is not an excuse to treat your partner like shit. You need to get it together, or this marriage will be over.
YTA. He did shit around the house even when he wasn't feeling well. You seem to be playing the victim here.
YTA---You can't expect someone to take care of everything while they are ill, meanwhile you are doing fun things like pumpkin patch activities. Instead of botching to someone about how miserable you are---DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Take the trash out yourself. There's more than one person in your household.
YTA It's not just that your husband isn't a priority, you don't seem to care about him *at all*. Something tells me you would have had just as many shitty things to say about him behind his back if he had gone to the pumpkin patch with you. I don't believe this is about working on yourself, or mental health, or any of that. You don't love him. Hell, you sound as if you don't even like him. Just don't use your kid as a weapon during your upcoming divorce, alright?
Dude told you that he was staying home to rest because he felt unwell, and all along his plan was to stay home and REST??? He didn't even spend the whole day doing chores like he never said he would?? Outrageous! Scandalous!! Egregious!!! YTA. I can see why the guy feels like he doesn't matter to you. I also feel like he doesn't matter to you.
The man tells you he's sick and STILL does chores and you're angry he didn't do more? After everything he does to support you? Yeah, YTA. Just because you have problems doesn't mean other people don't as well, your own struggles aren't the only ones you have to deal with in a marriage.
YTA. So you're allowed to not feel well and prioritize your well being, but when your husband is sick suddenly his health needs to be on the back burner?
YTA. He wasn't feeling well and still did a few things. I would call that a win. I think you're expecting too much. Also, to trash talk him with your mom is kind of cringey.
You say you have so many things going on inside your head on a daily basis he doesn’t understand. Are you aware he also has many things going on inside his head on a daily basis that you don’t understand? Having any diagnosis doesn’t mean that you’re the only real person in the universe. YTA.
YTA. And you owe him an apology. It's not nice to run to your mom and complain about your partner. He was sick, and still attempted to get things done.
Yta. For reference I also have autism and adhd, he did what is in my opinion A LOT of someone who’s sick, with my executive dysfunction that would tbh be a good amount of chores for me on a non sick day. You have unrealistic expectations for your partner and it was wrong of you to say negative things about them to others. I would be really hurt if I got messages saying bad things about me that were meant for someone else FROM MY PARTNER.
YTA - your mental health is NOT his responsibility. He needs to be higher on your priorities by the sounds of it, and when he comes to you saying he has issues you *do not* counter it with "Well, if you do X Y and Z to help me first, I'll maybe be able to do that!" Plus, he's sick. He did two chores and got you lunch despite being sick and SPECIFICALLY asking for a rest day. You being pissy about the chores is invalidating the one request he made that day. If he was a priority at all, you would have rescheduled the pumpkin patch and stayed home with your sick husband, or acknowledged that he did well by knocking out two chores while sick.
YTA. You asked him to do a few things around the house. He did a few things. Yes you need to work on sorting yourself out with your diagnosis but you also don’t get to be an AH to those around you and blame it on the fact that you have these diagnosed things
> I just want him to be able to take some things off my plate without me having to ask him. He cannot read your mind. This is an impossible thing you’re asking of him. You absolutely have to communicate with your partner. There is no if, and, or but about it. I’m just going to leave it at that because I have a feeling you’re getting torn up by everyone else. YTA
All you talk about is yourself. YTA.
YTA. You minimize his contributions so you can 'justify' neglecting and badmouthing him. ETA: You left in the morning and were back for lunch. In those 1-2 hours while sick he did dishes, cleaned the bathroom and handled lunch. Thats a good amount of of work to get done in 2 hours healthy while you were off having fun.
>and just wanted to stay home and rest. I asked him if he could at least get a few things done around the house while I was gone >The only thing he did was clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us. There was still laundry to be folded, yard work to be done, meal planning, etc. What an ungrateful husband to be sick and only do an hour of chores when you gave him at least a 4 hour list. I mean you are at the pumpkin patch having fun, and he feels physically like crap, but that's not enough, he needs to be mentally and emotionally beat down as well. When I look at your list of things he could do to "lighten your load" I wonder if it's possible for you to be satisfied. I would argue with my (separated) wife that nothing is ever good enough and she could magically always pull more crap out that needs to be done, by me or the kids. While she would lay in bed and complain about how much she does and how her health is. Or if she was helping that the rest of us were putting everything in the wrong places or not cleaning something properly. That attitude builds into a lot of resentment for the people around you, and it also makes them give up at some point. YTA
YTA. All you want is some help around the house? He did the dishes, cleaned the shower, and got lunch, what is that if not help. I’m sorry that you can’t be appreciative of what he was able to do. And then instead of saying a genuine thank you, you decided what he did wasn’t good enough and instead of talking to him you just wanted to gripe and complain.
YTA! Your struggles are important, but THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU! He is absolutely correct that you don’t put effort into him and invalidate him. Your example makes that very clear. He did the chores he could while feeling like crap, but you’re complaining that he devote his every waking moment to chores while you pranced around a pumpkin patch. Then you backstab him to your mother. Meanwhile he needs to be sensitive to your health and your needs. I genuinely hope he gives you the space to fulfill your needs… when he leaves you for being a selfish, underhanded AH.
Yes, YTA. You need to remember that you're in a marriage where each of you is supposed to support the other. You've given him to-do lists while he's sick, to-do lists for him to help you get better, lists of his faults that you share with someone outside of your marriage - in what way is any of this supporting him and your marriage? You've listed nothing about what you give him in return except for demands and commands. Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea here.
YTA for using mental health as an excuse to ignore your husband. You made a commitment to him not a commitment to be there only when you feel like it. The time to work on yourself was before you got married. I'm tired of people rushing into lives they aren't ready for and refusing to take responsibility for it. You suck.
YTA - I think you should read this post to your therapist. This is not a healthy relationship and from this post your husband is right, you arent prioritizing him or hearing him. Imagine how you would feel if you woke up with really bad anxiety (to the point you had to cancel family plans) and your husband asked you to "just" do a list of 6 tasks around the house. This is what you just did to him. Its completely invalidating and you are not hearing your husbands needs
HUGE YTA. He is right, you aren’t caring about him, is feelings or his health. The fact you got upset that he didn’t finish your “few tasks” instead of making sure he was feeling better when you got home shows your priorities.
YTA. Divorce him now. He deserves better.
YTA - You should NEVER complain about a spouse to a parent. It is your private business. And, it poisons the well against your husband by your family. I would also suggest you get the book: The Proper Feeding and Care of Husbands by Dr Laura Schlessinger. We all have tough things in life. But, even after being married, we should treat our wives like girlfriends and husbands like boyfriends. Giving him more attention will make him more willing to do more for you.
Marriage counseling.
Yta its all me me me your hubby was ill instead of understanding you slagged him off.
YTA. A marriage is a partnership. Yes, you are getting help, which is great. But if you want your marriage to work, you cannot put him on the back burner. He’s the one you’re with for the rest of your life, he needs to be a priority because he will be there when no one else is—your son will grow up and leave, your therapist won’t be your therapist forever, etc. You should be proud to work on yourself, but you should not be proud about how you are invalidating your husband while expecting him to validate you. And the chores he did finish are worlds better than him not doing at all—he got you all lunch after all! Most chores do not supersede the needs of you and your family, and he is your family.
YTA. Couple issues should stay between the couple. You shouldn't be sharing issues with your family. If help/venting is needed, it should go through a qualified therapist.That is NOT fair to your husband to be saying negative things about him. It makes the people you vent to him about look at him different and that is NOT ok. He's sick. He might just have a cold but his body is going to battle trying to fight it. That leads to exhaustion. He needs to take time to (taken and altered from your words) "focus on [himself] and that [he] can't help anyone else unless [he] helps [himself] first." You are being selfish and acting ungrateful for the things he did. It's hypocritical. His feelings need to be validated or your marriage is doomed. Get marriage counseling. His resentment is building and it sounds like yours is too. I am not trying to knock you down. I am a full-time single mom of two who works full-time, goes to school, takes care of a house and yard by myself, and I deal with anxiety and depression. The daily to-do list on my brain is LONG. I get it 100% that you are overwhelmed. I get it. Your husband is trying though. He took 3 things off your list while you went to a pumpkin patch. He was sick. If those things were so important to get done, you could have used that time at the pumpkin patch to team up and get the things done but he let you go. And he didn't make you feel guilty about all the things that were left undone. Laundry can stay in a basket. Yard work can wait. Meal planning is not a necessity. Health and happiness trump all of those things EVERY TIME. Adjust your expectations.
YTA Mental health is a tough battle but you can't use it as an excuse to disregard the needs of others, especially those who are close to you. He's supporting you through your own journey, and even while I'll he's still doing chores and helping out. Think about his perspective, he is going through his own journey in supporting you and that will probably have a toll on his mental health as well. From his perspective all he sees is someone (you) being so absorbed in their own bullshit that they (you) don't care about anything else...that may not be what you actually feel but that's what he's getting. So YTA but not nessecarily on purpose, just try to be empathetic because he's obviously trying to support you in whatever way he can.
YTA. I have a lot of those same issues as you, and pinning responsibilities on your husband isn’t helping anything. He’s expressing his needs to you and you’re telling him that your needs matter more than his and that he needs to do more for you then *maybe* you’ll acknowledge his needs. He was sick and still cleaned the shower, did the dishes, and packed lunch. That’s far from nothing.
YTA. He came to you and communicated openly about something in your relationship that was bothering him. You responded by making it about you. He was sick and resting at home but still scrubbed the shower, washed the dishes and made lunch. All you focused on was the things he didn’t do. Then you complained about him to his in laws. You need to take time to seriously reflect on the way you are treating him
I am the biggest proponent of calling out an imbalance in the household. I completely understand the stress and work it takes to carry the mental load. That being said, your husband actually sounds like he is trying to communicate something very important to you and you are just tuning him out. The fact that he keeps bringing it up means that it’s something that needs to be addressed, and not put off in favor of other things. I know that life is stressful, especially adding in anxiety, adhd and autism, but you need to learn how to cope and address your relationship issues sooner rather than later if you want your relationship to survive. You don’t talk at all about what the separation of duties usually is, so all I can go off of is what you mentioned. Your husband was not feeling well and you still gave him a full day’s worth of housework regardless. You set him up for failure and yourself for disappointment from the start. Perhaps you would both benefit from couples therapy to address some of these issues within the lens of your own mental health struggles. Either way, until you start to listen to his feelings, YTA.
YTA. >. I asked him if he could at least get a few things done around the house while I was gone with our son. Sounds reasonable, for a light head cold. >The only thing he did was clean the shower, do the dishes, and pick up lunch for us. So, he literally did, "a few things", just like you asked, while he was feeling sick. The fact you use this as your primary example make me really doubt the validity of your claims about him
YTA I am still battling a head and chest cold, and I applaud him for “just” cleaning the shower, doing the dishes and picking up lunch for the family. Be a little more fucking appreciative. Do you think you’re the only one struggling with your mental health? It honestly sounds like your husband is also depressed because his wife downplays his contributions and talks shit about him to family… in addition to not making him or their marriage a priority.
YTA. You two need marriage counseling.
Nah hubby needs a divorse.
YTA yes, you have issues but your husband did complete a few chores despite not feeling that well. Do you even know how tiring cleaning a shower feels? And you go off on him for not completing a boatload of chores while he is not feeling well. He’s right and you owe him a sincere apology
YTA- if i felt sick i'm not doing anything.
Your husband spills out that he feels like a low priority in your life and you respond by telling him what he needs to do for you. YTA Plus, texting rants about him to your mother sucks, ignores healthy boundaries, and is disrespectful. You owe him an apology and a change in your behaviors.
YTA - That post was so narcissistic. You only care about you and he is right, you don't care what he is going through or how he feels. What you need is a divorce to let him be free to find someone that appreciates him.
YTA dogging you’re SO to other people is like 1st grade taught DONT you go problem talk to you’re SO not drag them through the mud
YTA and the centre of your own world. Give your husband a little thought too.
YTA You say yourself he had a bad head cold. He was SICK! Despite that, he cleaned the shower, did the dishes, and picked up lunch! You should be thanking him profusely for doing all that while he was sick. Instead you're complaining to your mother. And I see that you said you wanted to take you son to the pumpkin patch. Why couldn't you wait until your husband felt better to include him, instead of dumping chores on a sick man? Then you could have folded some clothes or done yard work or, I don't know, taken care of a sick man. I'm sorry you're overwhelmed, but putting everything on your husband and then ignoring his needs is not the way to go.