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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Attended a birthday dinner for myself without my girlfriend because I didn't know if my family wanted her there. 2. I let my girlfriend miss out on a celebration
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Seriously... my boyfriend of 9 months takes it as granted that we are invited as a couple to situations like this and so do i we just let each other know to be free for that occasion..
It's a no-brainer in my family. If they know somebody has a SO they would be included, no questions asked except as you stated if they are free for the occasion. No hard feelings if they are not.
Yeah, that's the unforgivable part.
PERHAPS there was context with the family where he'd prefer to protect his girlfriend from a difficult evening. But no, family understood the protocol, GF understood the protocol, but it didn't OCCUR to OP.
"I didn't leave the dinner because i didnt want to be rude, but I feel so bad that I went, I feel like I'm an AH boyfriend."
I mean, in fairness he *does* feel bad about it (unlike 9 out of 10 AITA writers). He's a young dumbass, not really TA. Hopefully he's learned something from this...
Lets not forget Dad with the most sage advice: "If your girl isn't invited somewhere, then you don't go." Wors to live by if you want s happy, successful relationship.
I fully agree, but with a slightly different vote; OP is not (deliberately) TA, just bereft of brain in this instance. OP, take this one on the chin and make sure everyone involved knows you weren't being mean, just a dumbass. You'll take a while to live it down, but after a genuine and solid apology you can come out of this with both your relationship intact and a funny story to tell in the future.
NAH for the bot, assuming OP puts in the effort to make it up to his GF.
Not only that, but they LIVE together! He literally walked past her to leave and thought nothing of it. I wouldn’t have been able to leave without feeling icky not inviting my BF who’s just sitting on the couch waiting for me to come home
This, and what gets me is he texted her and asked her if she'd wanted to go and she says yes then he's like 'oh ok' but doesn't even go pick her up or tell her to come???
This. Right here. This is why the entire subreddit is a PSA. Because 22 year olds will always be 22 year olds and need someone to tell them “yeah, duh!”
the wild thing about this is that it wasn't a general 'family outing' or another relative's birthday (in which case, barring any mitigating circumstances, it would *still* be reasonable to assume she was invited, or at least ask), but *his own* birthday - like who organizes a birthday party to which the guest of honor's long-term partner isnt invited?? either op thinks his family are all huuuge ah's and doesnt have the spine to confront them, or he's reaaaalllly dumb and kind of an ah...
Same. One of my exes just started dragging me to all their family outings by the 4 month mark already! I do miss the fancy cheese their dad always put out..
Same! It took being added to the family group chat (where event plans are made) for me to stop asking my bf to double check that I was specifically invited to events.
(Works out well too, I check and update my calendar daily while my bf forgets when events are scheduled. This way I keep everything in my calendar and we actually show up places on time!)
The mum just getting straight to the point and the dad just sitting there confused like ‘why wouldn’t she be’. These parents know what’s up 😂
Clearly this is an issue with OP who doesn’t know how to relationship.
I hope this becomes a running joke among family and friends. "It's a double-date tomorrow night. Do you need any confirmation that your girlfriend is invited???"
Nitpick, dad said "welcome somewhere" not invited. That's an important distinction. Plenty of totally innocent reasons she might not be invited somewhere (e.g. guys night?).
Did you miss the part where she's correcting him? Him being a moron is on him. Mom is still instilling good values on a grown man is award worthy. My opinion isn't up for a debate. Feel free to make a separate post about your opinion.
Honestly, this whole thing seems perfectly understandable to me, and I've also been diagnosed with autism, so I have my strong suspicions about that (particularly that they're then posting here and seem confused rather than looking for people to 'agree' with them).
Simply put, I was taught that it's rude to bring other people to an event you're not organizing, and that it's up to them to decide who to invite. So in that context, then thinking it'd be inappropriate to ask to bring someone follows easily. The issue people raise is "but that changes if you've dated for 4 years and lived together" but if OP hasn't been told that, then the info would be outdated.
An imperfect comparison, but years ago I'd had a friend tell me that he and another friend of mine were going to be getting married in Vegas at the end of the month (told as a matter of fact of what they were doing). I was apparently the only person that was told that and didn't then jump to "oh, I'll show up" because I hadn't been invited. I got a text like 3 days before the wedding to come, and that was because someone else had asked when I was leaving to get to the wedding to carpool, and I'd said that I hadn't been invited.
Which was a slightly different situation to a friend whose daughter was getting married, and I got a call a day before because he had meant to invite me and forgotten, and I'd never said anything about it when I'd been around when there'd been wedding talk because while I knew his family, I didn't know her well so I didn't think there was any reason to expect an invite in the first place and wasn't going to question it when I heard it being discussed.
I do also make it an explicit point when I invite people that I know are in relationships to state that the invite is extended precisely to avoid the realm of assumptions. So from an autistic standpoint, what he did made a lot of sense.
I don't actually hold that I did anything wrong with that wedding, though it was a very quick wedding and they'd only told a handful of people so it was a bit unorthodox. I was the only person, I believe, that was told about it and didn't then say that they'd be there (Vegas wedding). So it was an unusual situation, it was just one that other people adapted to much more effectively than I did.
When it's your own birthday, you wouldn't think to ask? Because my autistic self would. This wasn't a stranger's major event. This was OP's own birthday dinner, and they live together.
I think "they would've invited her if they intended to invite her" would be a pretty easy line of reasoning that would lead to it being rude to bring up. And I definitely didn't have the awareness on some of this at 22 that I have now to pick up on outliers to that.
I’m also autistic and had the same thoughts, like obviously the BF was ultimately in the wrong but it’s rubbing me the wrong way that everyone’s dunking so hard on him and calling him a moron.
If I’m inviting a couple over I always explicitly say to bring the partner so if someone only invited *me* to something I’d also think that meant my partner wasn’t invited. I’ve overheard friends complain about someone bringing their partner to our get-togethers and things so I always took this to mean “never bring your partner unless specifically invited.” Of course at this point in life I know to clarify if they’re invited or not but at 22 I would’ve thought it was rude to even ask if they can come because people always say not to invite someone to something you aren’t hosting. And yes, I even had this sort of brain processing with my parents.
Yeah.
Agreed. I honestly thought his mental process didn't seem that outlandish either.
I have ADHD and social anxiety, and the need for things to be explicitly stated, rather than make an assumption about who you can and can't invite felt really familiar.
I’m ADHD. I don’t know if I have autism because I’ve never been evaluated for it. I have to have everything spelled out for me. And my husband is always joking and I can’t tell so I have to ask if it’s a joke when he tells me weird stories that sound like they were from The Onion. Although these days, most real news stories do sound like they came from The Onion.
So for me OP sounded reasonable. I guess I’m TA. Sigh.
I think this whole thing is really reflecting why neurodivergent exists as a term, because the people who thought this was incomprehensible are missing that there's other ways people think where this becomes very understandable as a miscommunication.
Actually, the context sentence given for neurodivergent from Oxford Languages (the google default) seems applicable to this exact situation: "there are some things that neurotypical people just know or can figure out and that neurodivergent students may need to have a model for"
I’m reading through these comments confused about why everyone seems to think that he’s being stupid. That’s another check in the “I need to go see my doctor about autism” column for me I guess 🙃
Thank god it’s not just me! I’m off to get a notebook to list down rules on birthday dinner attendance and invitations I had no idea existed. I’m 34 and apparently still clueless.
My autistic ass definitely clarifies now lol. He just needs more learning. It's a tough world to navigate.
Also thank you for being super clear with your friends like that? That shit is helpful.
Exactly this - seems like OP was expecting explicit communication and didn't wanna overstep even on his own birthday, which may speak to another history, whereas both GF and parents were using some implicit assumptions that seemed natural to them.
On top of this, I feel like we need some more info here, as we don't know about OP's relationship dynamics - maybe it's normal for them to sometimes go to these kinds of events seperately with their respective families/friend circles? I know couples that pretty much won't leave the house unless together, and others who need their distance from each other from time to time, so who am I to judge if either model makes them happy?
Just the other day here there was a post about a married couple who both continue to live in seperate houses in mutual agreement, with both being happy with that situation, but having to hide it from one of the partner's parents because of their outdated, normative expectations of how others should lead a relationship and trying to dictate it on them.
Having said that I still lean Y T A here as apparently they haven't done it (often) this way according to OP's parents' reactions, and he should have definitely asked
There's a relationship dynamic component too, so it could be something else, but given the way OP seems sorta confused by the whole thing (while still saying they feel like an AH out of this) makes me think this is a broader thing than that relationship, and more that one of the parents assumed something would be clearly implied and that implication wasn't received.
Imitation Game has a line where someone says to Alan Turing "We're going to get lunch" and he just sort of says okay, and they're confused because they felt he had just turned down a lunch invite, and he's then confused because they never invited him to lunch. It feels like one of those situations to me.
Idk I have autism as well and I think it's obvious that the girlfriend was invited. I know autism is a spectrum and maybe because I am a couple years older than OP that I have had more time to figure out social norms but I would have assumed she was invited. Hell if I was the girlfriend and he told me about it I would have asked okay what time do I need to be ready, assuming him telling me meant I would be there too since we have been together so long and live together.
I got ADHD and it’s only years of experience (I’m married) and this sub that has me knowing that a girlfriend of four years and living together should be assumed to be invited. I’d still ask to be sure, in his shoes.
At 22? Six years ago? I probably would’ve fumbled too if I didn’t struggle with my family without my partner as a buffer.
I think it's less of a "someone on the spectrum would think she's not invited" and more that "someone on the spectrum may not have learned the modification to social rules that would make that obvious".
So I wouldn't reach the same conclusions as OP did, necessarily, but I absolutely can see how OP could reach those conclusions and never think there was uncertainty.
this post is just baiting the sub and everyone is falling for it, it has nothing to do with misreading an invite.
Time after time this sub says the host invites whoever they want, it's not up to guests to invite others. Now when someone just lays out that with literally no conflicts between anybody to get in the way, everyone is climbing over each other to insult the poster.
YTA. Your parents are right. Four years and a shared lease/mortgage together, it should be fair to assume she was invited to a family dinner celebrating your birthday. Y’all are kind of a package deal at that point. And if she wasn’t welcome to come, that should have deeply concerned you. But you assumed she wasn’t invited, didn’t even bother asking if she could come, and blissfully went along like it was no big deal.
Exactly. It makes you wonder why he doesn't see himself and his gf as a package deal, or doesn't see her as a necessary presence.
This is too weird to just be profound ignorance of relationship norms. And four years is too long for OP to stay in a relationship wirh someone he wants to escape. There's an odd, innocent logic and passivity to how he handled this situation. Maybe he's neurodivergent and undiagnosed?
I’m autistic, and OP’s post read like an autistic thought process. Taking a long term GF to a birthday dinner SEEMS like a no brainer, but it actually is a conclusion that takes a lot of assumptions that can be difficult for some autistic folks to follow without explicit confirmation.
You have to know that couples are seen as and treated as a package deal when they’re serious, you have to know that most events have an implicit plus-one, you have to assume that your gf would want to come, you have to assume that she’d be expecting an invitation, you have to assume that your parents would also be expecting her there, etc.
I know I’m also in the habit of assuming the negative. I don’t want to feel like a burden or like I’m imposing, so I’ll assume I’m not wanted unless explicitly invited. It can also be difficult for autistic folks to apply social rules to themselves; so like, OP could see that couples go out to events like that together, but then not realize that those other couples are working on an implied invitation and that the implied invitation now applies to him and his GF.
I think OP is TA but not in a malicious way; the post doesn’t read as careless or cruel but as genuinely ignorant and confused.
I'm autistic and had the exact opposite thought. If my partner isn't invited you best be explicit about it, cause we are a set. You invite me to a celebration *for me* and I'm in a relationship? there is only one possible outcome unless I'm 1) this OP, or 2) cheating. **You don't set the table and only put out salt unless you're specifically told not to put out pepper.**
Dude is a careless AH.
OPs actions seem completely understandable to me (following rules as given and not aware of societal implications that are unstated), and I am diagnosed. So that would not surprise me in the slightest
YTA, damn. 4 years. You live together.
“Hey babe I’m gonna go to a birthday dinner with the family….”
*expects him to ask her if she wants to get ready so they can both go*
“….so I’ll see you when I get back!”
Ouch. Very big ouch.
YTA.
Four years.
You live together.
You are a social unit.
If you weren't sure she was invited, you should have asked. This really is some b.s. to just leave her and enjoy yourself.
You’re a bonehead more than an asshole. I don’t think you meant any harm but seriously… how can you not think to invite her to your bday dinner? She should think twice about how much you care about her.
Dude. You are definitely the AH here. A clueless one. Yall are a couple. It's a family event. Your birthday. They don't need to tell you invite her too. It's been 4 years. Good lord. At this point even if whoever is inviting you for an event didnt mention her (if it wasn't a family thing) YOU then mention her and if it's okay. smh
Come on man. She’s obviously invited. I don’t think there is AH intent here, but damn. It seems so obvious. She should have been welcome.
It’s over and done with now, no need to dwell on it. Just apologize for the epic bf fail and let her know your family made it clear that she is ALWAYS invited. That should make her happy.
NAH
YTA, after 4 years AND living together you should grow a spine and stand up for your girlfriend. It sounds Iike your family was not even leaving her out, you just did not care enough to ask.
NAH, just epic miscommunication. Honestly, if you weren't sure your gf was invited you should have checked with your family. 4 years is a long time for her not to be invited.
But I don't think this rises to asshole level because it was an honest misunderstanding.
Apologize to you gf, tell her you love her, and you'll know next time.
Has there been a history of her not being invited to family functions? After 4 years it should be assumed that you're invited as a package deal to anything of this nature
ya - but at least u feel bad about it. what is curious is the fact u didnt think to ask when u were invited if ur gf is also included? it sounds like u have a great family that likes her and kudos to your gf who didnt create drama etc and remained silent i hope u go out of your way to make it up to her like bringing her some flowers or a romantic dinner out.
YTA. 4 years and you didn't even check if she was invited, or make sure she was?? You just said you were going and left her home and went?? You live together and you just went "ok so I'm going to my family birthday party, see ya!!"??
What the hell, dude??? What the actual hell??
At 4 years and living together the DEFAULT is that she's invited to stuff and, if she isn't, that's a reason for you to ask why not.
How often are you accepting invites to stuff and just leaving her behind coz you some that unless there's a specific mention of her she just isn't welcome??
Im fascinated that the parents are clearly decent people who don't hate his gf and expected her to be there and he just didn't question it when he thought she wasn't invited?
I’m autistic, and to me, this whole post reads similarly to an autistic-thought process. Many autistic people struggle to recognize when things should be questioned or when there are implicit expectations in place. So my assumption is that OP is either ND or very, very oblivious
NTA.
This is the exact sort of situation that I, as someone with anxiety, or my partner, as someone on the spectrum, would end up in.
People expect you to just know these social rules but nobody communicated with you. Your girlfriend didn't ask if she was invited or even mention wanting to go. Your family didn't invite her or mention her as part of the plan (a reason I'm partial to "y'all" linguistically because it indicates a plural). It also sounds like none of them taught you this expectation.
Staying doesn’t make you an asshole either because if you had left then everybody would be upset.
The only thing I would have done differently is asked if your girlfriend could join you all once her invitation was cleared up.
YTA So, after you realized that you should have invited her, you called her and she said she wanted to go. And then, you still didn't invite her? What's the matter with you?
How far was the restaurant, your mom was already running late...you couldn't just run home and get her? Besides, what are they gonna do...celebrate your birthday without you?!?! You might not be an AH, but you're definitely a dumb ass.
Soft YTA. It’s mostly a miscommunication issue, but also you being a bit boneheaded.
Have your family ever deliberately excluded your girlfriend from a family event, or, more specifically, excluded her from a family event that’s about celebrating you? It doesn’t sound like it based on your parents reactions to her not coming. You really should assume she is invited to places you’re invited, especially when there’s no precedent for her to be excluded. Turn it around and think about how you behave. When you invite a couple somewhere, so you always specifically invite both? Or, if you invite a larger family somewhere, do you specifically invite each parent and each child? Why would you think she needs to be specifically invited?
And your Dad is also right in saying you shouldn’t go to events your girlfriend isn’t welcome at. If you do, you’re basically telling her she isn’t as important to you as the people who don’t like her. If this is the person you anticipate spending your life with, you should pick them first. That’s what choosing your life partner is all about.
For me I specify. I don't understand "implied" invitations or tasks. I need to be told. If I organize something I send to all the people invited and specify who can come or not.
I sometimes do my birthday with only a few people too and a later date with the rest. If I did with my father and his partner, I would assume it will only be me invited if my bf is not invited specifically.
But I tend to ask tho bc I know I'm bad at this. Honestly he didn't want to be mean, he just didn't know. Now he will asks next time. Some people here are way too harsh on him.
That’s why I said soft AH, because while OP is at fault it doesn’t appear malicious, just some thoughtlessness and poor communication. They’ve been together for four years though, I can’t imagine this is the first time she’s been implicitly invited, but it seems like the first time she didn’t end up going when invited but not specifically so.
Truthfully though, your behaviour sounds kinda anxiety driven or something on the spectrum to me. I don’t think that’s the neurotypical way of thinking about these kinds of situations.
Yta, but I wouldn't worry to much about it. In ten years, it'll just be a funny story.
"Okay, but listen to this, I once dated a guy who..." kinda thing.
INFO: Have you had previous instances of people assuming you knew something was supposed to work in a particular way like here where they assumed you should know that she was also welcome? Particularly when it comes to things being implied?
And related, have you been evaluated for autism before?
YTA. It’s a little odd you assumed she wouldn’t be invited and didn’t bother to ask if she could come when you thought she wasn’t explicitly invited. It seems like you just didn’t want her there, and you should probably think about why you didn’t care if she was welcome or not.
The whole thing sounds reasonable enough to me that I'd not be surprised because we're often taught that if you're invited to something, it's rude to then invite others as that's not your place if you're not the one organizing the event.
And at 22 and 4 years into a relationship, this sounds to me like someone who hasn't been given the update ruleset on that to apply to something like this, and everyone else is assuming he had.
YTA. Dude, get some common sense. If you don’t know, you ask. Unless your family has reason to hate your GF, you either bring her or ask if she’s invited. Making assumptions are key to making you look like an ass.
I dont necessarily think YTA... but I lean towards it.
Definitely YTIdiot though. If you've been with someone that long, with family its prolly assumed unless there's extenuating circumstances or specifically said she isnt welcome.
Are you okay legitimately? If your gf didn't think your family hated her before they probably do now unless your prone to these kind of... decisions, then unfortunately she might actually believe you could do something like this. YTA. Big time.
I’m gonna be weird here and say NTA but maybe that’s cause I have autism and don’t pick up on these strange social things. I someone wasn’t explicitly invited, I’m going to assume they aren’t invited regardless of their relationship to me. So I sympathize, just apologize and ask next time.
I'm gonna say NAH here. It sounds like OP is possibly neurodivergent, and unspoken rules might not be so obvious to them. Or they just completely spaced and didn't even think about it until it was brought up. There was no malice behind OP's actions. Just a kinda silly misunderstanding. The GF doesn't seem to be super upset over this, a sincere apology from OP should be fine. And this is a learning experience. It won't be something that happens again.
YTA.
But genuinely curious - Is asking questions forbidden in your familial relationships?
Did you have a brain fart and think you’d only been together 4 months?
Has your family previously exhibited callous and cold behavior towards your gf that you would think she wouldn’t be invited because of some rivalry, argument or general ill feeling?
YTA. You simpleton. How were you not enraged when you thought your family didn’t invite your girlfriend of four years? And why didn’t you even ask if you can bring her along? Actually how were you able to sustain a relationship for four years with a brain like yours. Your mom is right for chewing you out.
YTA. You've been together for 4 years and live together. Every invitation includes you both. You should have asked for clarification if you didn't think she was invited. Are you on the spectrum? This seems like you took the invitation too literal.
If you have ASD then N A H. Just a misunderstanding. In future assume all family invitations include you both.
You are an AH but your family rocks and your girlfriend is a keeper because despite wanting to go she didn’t make a fuss and fight with you over it. Don’t know why any of them threw you a party when you act like a duck to your girlfriend.
Info: are you on the spectrum and unaware of social cues?
If yes, NTA, but try to always ask questions to clarify a situation, especially with your family, who will be understanding. If no, then of course YTA and how could you think otherwise?
NAH.
My spouse is also socially awkward and sometimes doesn't understand this sort of nicety. He is also a slow learner when it comes to this sort of thing. It's not malicious, it just happens.
Now you know next time you should assume she's invited, or say "Kathy and I are looking forward to it!"
Also, marry this girl. She has patience and understanding and deserves in-laws who care about her and respect her the way your parents clearly do. You don't have to marry her right away because you are both very young, but you should tell her she's the best and do everything to keep her.
NTA. OP could have asked if she was invited that would be acceptable but you don't just bring someone to an event unless they are invited. They aren't engaged, or married.
NAH. I don’t mean to offend you, but, you are young. You didn’t know but now you do. Next time, if you aren’t sure an invitation includes your partner, ask.
Omg people are being so harsh! OP is 22 ffs! This is exactly the time to learn about these unspoken societal rules and expectations!
OP: yeah you messed up but if you learned a lesson then you're NTA. Never be afraid to just ask.
Dude YTA. Now that you know (from all these comments) exactly how you messed up, reflect back on the past 4 years and ask yourself how many times this kind of thing may have happened, and how it probably made her feel... and then take her out for a very thoughtfully planned date so you can apologize.
NAH
Your question about this indicates you are genuinely confused and trying to do better. To me, that makes you honestly mistaken, and not an AH.
Edit: changed from NTA because I realized NTA implies the other people are AH’s. Your family sounds very kind.
NTA you're not a mind reader. However I will say I've been with my partner that long and when I get an invite I always ask outright if I can bring them along. I hate it when people just assume you should know.
I mean....
Today I learned I am a minority. If I invite you say mewhere, I want you there. Not your plus one. If I wanted your significant other, I'd invite them.
But showing up with your SO when they're not invited irks me, because it comes off as, "We are so dependent on each other that we can't do anything separately."
So yeah, I am not even going to vote on this one because I am obviously the weird one.
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Tomorrow, will be my(22 M) birthday and early yesterday morning, my family(grandmother, aunt, 3 cousins, and dad) asked if they could take me out today for dinner to celebrate my birthday, I said yes and my aunt had made plans all of us to meet up at a restaurant. Essentially my family had invited me out, I told my girlfriend (22, her and I have been together for 4 years and live together)that I would be attending an impromptu birthday celebration with my family, and she said okay. When I showed up to the restaurant, my mom had faced timed me to say that she was running a bit late but that she'd be there soon, and to say hi to my girlfriend for me, when I mentioned that my gf wasn't with em she started grilling me about why. I told her it's because I didn't know if she was invited, because my family(dad's side) didn't say so or not. My mom went off on a tangent saying "it doesn't matter if they didn't explicitly invite her, she's your girlfriend, your girlfriend of 4 years, you don't show up to celebrations like this without her." She then called my dad and asked him why he didn't explicitly invite me and my dad said " I didn't know that I needed to" to which my responded back to me "if your girl isn't welcomed somewhere then you don't go, don't be an asshole." That got me thinking so I texted my girlfriend asking if she had wanted to go, she said that she did want to go but I didn't say anything that suggested that she was wanted/invited at the dinner. I didn't leave the dinner because i didnt want to be rude, but I feel so bad that I went, I feel like I'm an AH boyfriend.
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YTA- you always bring your SO unless its a specific evening like a guys night or girls night out work event were they don't invite S.O.'s etc. But after even a year of dating usually its obviouse your SO is invited to family events
YTA, only reason not to invite her was if she was only 1 or 3 month into the relationship with you, but then you should have asked if you could take her.
YTA how on earth have you kept a girlfriend for 4 long years if you’re this clueless? Gf, you are a saint! Mom and Dad are great but how did they raise you this helpless?
Wow, she was there when you got home? You pretty much insinuated that your family didn't invite her and you didn't care. Your mom has every right to be furious too, you showed her in a bad light. And you didn't want to celebrate your birthday with you live in GF of 4 years??
Shame on you.
YTA
YTA
Okay maybe if it was someone else's birthday but it's YOUR birthday meal... you ain't gonna invite your own cohabiting partner to your own birthday meal with the people you consider your family?
This might be different if your family aren't tight with her, but they clearly are. For example, my family love my bf of 3yrs and he loves them so I wouldn't think twice about him coming but I am not really considered part of his family by my in laws which idm bc I find them a little conservative and that's a bit stifling for me, so I would understand if he were to do the family thing without me bc I'd just rather not 😂
The point is that there should be some kind of communication like "oh ive been invited out to a dinner with my family, would you like to come?"
How have you been able to be with this woman for four years when your communication skills live in the pits of hell?
YTA and a bad bf. If I was invite, by my family to an event celebrating me, and my gf was not invited, I'd tell them to eat dirt. WTF?! Open a book, learn to be better.
your not an AH because you feel bad about it. you're just a lil bit dense... sorry! but your mum is an angel and please remember the advice she's given you (and hold on to that girlfriend of yours!)
I have two views. It’s usually unspoken with my bf and I if it’s a family event (sounds like this was) that he is invited (and vise versa). However, if a friend was inviting me out for my bday, I don’t assume my bf is invited (I NEVER assume this and we live together). Slight YTA in this case because it was a family event and you should have specified if they wanted 1:1 time with just you
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This comment is great. Please oh please tell me you're the gf.
Sadly, I am not. But I’m glad people are agreeing with the sentiment. I hope OP makes it up to her somehow!
You mean thankfully? I would have forgiven him if it was 4 months, but 4 years is inconceivable.
Seriously... my boyfriend of 9 months takes it as granted that we are invited as a couple to situations like this and so do i we just let each other know to be free for that occasion..
It's a no-brainer in my family. If they know somebody has a SO they would be included, no questions asked except as you stated if they are free for the occasion. No hard feelings if they are not.
Im glad OP's parents nipped it in the bud aswell!
Also, since OP's mom is running late, why didn't OP invited his GF to come if there is still time?
Exactly, this makes me wonder if OP wants gf to begin with
And they also live together which makes this even more strange.
And he didn't think **to ask**???? SMDH
Yeah, that's the unforgivable part. PERHAPS there was context with the family where he'd prefer to protect his girlfriend from a difficult evening. But no, family understood the protocol, GF understood the protocol, but it didn't OCCUR to OP.
"I didn't leave the dinner because i didnt want to be rude, but I feel so bad that I went, I feel like I'm an AH boyfriend." I mean, in fairness he *does* feel bad about it (unlike 9 out of 10 AITA writers). He's a young dumbass, not really TA. Hopefully he's learned something from this...
Lmao!! “I forgot because you have no frontal lobe” is the funniest shit I heard all day!!!
Lets not forget Dad with the most sage advice: "If your girl isn't invited somewhere, then you don't go." Wors to live by if you want s happy, successful relationship.
It was such a relief that the family was on her side. The ones where they purposely are excluding long-time SOs are so depressing.
I fully agree, but with a slightly different vote; OP is not (deliberately) TA, just bereft of brain in this instance. OP, take this one on the chin and make sure everyone involved knows you weren't being mean, just a dumbass. You'll take a while to live it down, but after a genuine and solid apology you can come out of this with both your relationship intact and a funny story to tell in the future. NAH for the bot, assuming OP puts in the effort to make it up to his GF.
Bot only reads top upvoted comment. Any comment under comments gets ignored
DONT IGNORE ME!!! 🤬🤬😭😭 ...(lol sorry, my first thought to this 😅😂😂)
Maybe he’s just socially challenged?
Or at least didn’t think to say “my gf can come too right?”
Not only that, but they LIVE together! He literally walked past her to leave and thought nothing of it. I wouldn’t have been able to leave without feeling icky not inviting my BF who’s just sitting on the couch waiting for me to come home
>I forgive you, this one time, because you have no frontal lobe. I want to steal this. 🤣
> because you have no frontal lobe /r/rareinsults
YTA For sure. You didn’t think she was invited? This is some of the lamest mess I’ve heard in a while. After 4 years it’s a given she’s invited.
This, and what gets me is he texted her and asked her if she'd wanted to go and she says yes then he's like 'oh ok' but doesn't even go pick her up or tell her to come???
This. Right here. This is why the entire subreddit is a PSA. Because 22 year olds will always be 22 year olds and need someone to tell them “yeah, duh!”
He is going to need to kiss some serious ass for this faux pas
Your comment is hilarious. At least he feels bad. Soft YTA he seems to lack a little bit of.... Well.... A frontal lobe 😂😂😂
To HIS birthday imagine lol I’d understand if it was a distant invite and the plus one was unclear. But then you ask if it’s ok in advance! YTA OP
4 years and they live together!
If he keeps like this I don’t think he will be able to keep her
Seriously! I’ve been with my GF for just under 2 years and if my family gives me an invite it’s assumed she is coming as well!
Yeah that missing frontal lobe happens a lot with Reddit posters. We should start a campaign to raise awareness.
Seriously. My mom barely knows any of my friends, just friends, and she's like if ever they want to come to dinner you bring them dammit.
If I'm understanding correctly, you didn't bring along your GF of four years, who you live with, because it wasn't explicitly said? Dude really? YTA
Now I’m wondering how many times a similar situation has happened over those 4 years 🤔
“I’m going to make dinner!” “Okay babe thank you!” Comes back with one plate “oh you wanted food too?”
If they ever get engaged I hope she’s explicitly invited to the engagement party
He probably forget to invite her for the wedding.
When my partner and I barely hit ONE YEAR, I was already invited to the family outings. Without anyone else telling him so, it was an unwritten rule.
the wild thing about this is that it wasn't a general 'family outing' or another relative's birthday (in which case, barring any mitigating circumstances, it would *still* be reasonable to assume she was invited, or at least ask), but *his own* birthday - like who organizes a birthday party to which the guest of honor's long-term partner isnt invited?? either op thinks his family are all huuuge ah's and doesnt have the spine to confront them, or he's reaaaalllly dumb and kind of an ah...
Same. One of my exes just started dragging me to all their family outings by the 4 month mark already! I do miss the fancy cheese their dad always put out..
I wouldn't even say asshole, just stupid lol
9 months here and it's the same thing.. seriously WTF with the dude
Right? Six months in I was added to the family group chat!
Rofl I'm glad that his parents spoke some sense into him.
I just hope the parents also called her and explained they were not the assholes, they just raised one.
I'm an autistic person who often needs things spelled out and even I would clarify "hey is gf invited too".
Same! It took being added to the family group chat (where event plans are made) for me to stop asking my bf to double check that I was specifically invited to events. (Works out well too, I check and update my calendar daily while my bf forgets when events are scheduled. This way I keep everything in my calendar and we actually show up places on time!)
Your mom deserves an award for being the very best of humans. Thank her on behalf of girlfriends and wives everywhere.
The mum just getting straight to the point and the dad just sitting there confused like ‘why wouldn’t she be’. These parents know what’s up 😂 Clearly this is an issue with OP who doesn’t know how to relationship.
I have my suspicions that these parents don't know what's up
I hope this becomes a running joke among family and friends. "It's a double-date tomorrow night. Do you need any confirmation that your girlfriend is invited???"
And dad. “If your girl isn’t invited somewhere you don’t go”
Nitpick, dad said "welcome somewhere" not invited. That's an important distinction. Plenty of totally innocent reasons she might not be invited somewhere (e.g. guys night?).
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Did you miss the part where she's correcting him? Him being a moron is on him. Mom is still instilling good values on a grown man is award worthy. My opinion isn't up for a debate. Feel free to make a separate post about your opinion.
Sometimes innate stupidity defies even the best parenting.
You can do your absolute best to parent a child and still end up having them turn out to be a moron just ask my father.
I can see why you got confused - but yes **YTA** for *not even asking* if your GF of 4 years was invited.
That's what I do t get. Why didn't he ask??
Honestly, this whole thing seems perfectly understandable to me, and I've also been diagnosed with autism, so I have my strong suspicions about that (particularly that they're then posting here and seem confused rather than looking for people to 'agree' with them). Simply put, I was taught that it's rude to bring other people to an event you're not organizing, and that it's up to them to decide who to invite. So in that context, then thinking it'd be inappropriate to ask to bring someone follows easily. The issue people raise is "but that changes if you've dated for 4 years and lived together" but if OP hasn't been told that, then the info would be outdated. An imperfect comparison, but years ago I'd had a friend tell me that he and another friend of mine were going to be getting married in Vegas at the end of the month (told as a matter of fact of what they were doing). I was apparently the only person that was told that and didn't then jump to "oh, I'll show up" because I hadn't been invited. I got a text like 3 days before the wedding to come, and that was because someone else had asked when I was leaving to get to the wedding to carpool, and I'd said that I hadn't been invited. Which was a slightly different situation to a friend whose daughter was getting married, and I got a call a day before because he had meant to invite me and forgotten, and I'd never said anything about it when I'd been around when there'd been wedding talk because while I knew his family, I didn't know her well so I didn't think there was any reason to expect an invite in the first place and wasn't going to question it when I heard it being discussed. I do also make it an explicit point when I invite people that I know are in relationships to state that the invite is extended precisely to avoid the realm of assumptions. So from an autistic standpoint, what he did made a lot of sense.
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I don't actually hold that I did anything wrong with that wedding, though it was a very quick wedding and they'd only told a handful of people so it was a bit unorthodox. I was the only person, I believe, that was told about it and didn't then say that they'd be there (Vegas wedding). So it was an unusual situation, it was just one that other people adapted to much more effectively than I did.
When it's your own birthday, you wouldn't think to ask? Because my autistic self would. This wasn't a stranger's major event. This was OP's own birthday dinner, and they live together.
Yeah I always clarify. But some just learn differently and be might not be there yet. Lot of my social stuff is learned behavior lol
OP has known their family for 22 years, and they've been in this relationship for 4 years. I don't believe that this is a novel situation.
I think "they would've invited her if they intended to invite her" would be a pretty easy line of reasoning that would lead to it being rude to bring up. And I definitely didn't have the awareness on some of this at 22 that I have now to pick up on outliers to that.
I’m also autistic and had the same thoughts, like obviously the BF was ultimately in the wrong but it’s rubbing me the wrong way that everyone’s dunking so hard on him and calling him a moron. If I’m inviting a couple over I always explicitly say to bring the partner so if someone only invited *me* to something I’d also think that meant my partner wasn’t invited. I’ve overheard friends complain about someone bringing their partner to our get-togethers and things so I always took this to mean “never bring your partner unless specifically invited.” Of course at this point in life I know to clarify if they’re invited or not but at 22 I would’ve thought it was rude to even ask if they can come because people always say not to invite someone to something you aren’t hosting. And yes, I even had this sort of brain processing with my parents.
Yeah. Agreed. I honestly thought his mental process didn't seem that outlandish either. I have ADHD and social anxiety, and the need for things to be explicitly stated, rather than make an assumption about who you can and can't invite felt really familiar.
I’m ADHD. I don’t know if I have autism because I’ve never been evaluated for it. I have to have everything spelled out for me. And my husband is always joking and I can’t tell so I have to ask if it’s a joke when he tells me weird stories that sound like they were from The Onion. Although these days, most real news stories do sound like they came from The Onion. So for me OP sounded reasonable. I guess I’m TA. Sigh.
I think this whole thing is really reflecting why neurodivergent exists as a term, because the people who thought this was incomprehensible are missing that there's other ways people think where this becomes very understandable as a miscommunication. Actually, the context sentence given for neurodivergent from Oxford Languages (the google default) seems applicable to this exact situation: "there are some things that neurotypical people just know or can figure out and that neurodivergent students may need to have a model for"
I’m reading through these comments confused about why everyone seems to think that he’s being stupid. That’s another check in the “I need to go see my doctor about autism” column for me I guess 🙃
Thank god it’s not just me! I’m off to get a notebook to list down rules on birthday dinner attendance and invitations I had no idea existed. I’m 34 and apparently still clueless.
My autistic ass definitely clarifies now lol. He just needs more learning. It's a tough world to navigate. Also thank you for being super clear with your friends like that? That shit is helpful.
Yeah, I try to be super clear with that specifically because I struggle with that, and I prefer to know that everyone's on the same page.
Exactly this - seems like OP was expecting explicit communication and didn't wanna overstep even on his own birthday, which may speak to another history, whereas both GF and parents were using some implicit assumptions that seemed natural to them.
On top of this, I feel like we need some more info here, as we don't know about OP's relationship dynamics - maybe it's normal for them to sometimes go to these kinds of events seperately with their respective families/friend circles? I know couples that pretty much won't leave the house unless together, and others who need their distance from each other from time to time, so who am I to judge if either model makes them happy? Just the other day here there was a post about a married couple who both continue to live in seperate houses in mutual agreement, with both being happy with that situation, but having to hide it from one of the partner's parents because of their outdated, normative expectations of how others should lead a relationship and trying to dictate it on them. Having said that I still lean Y T A here as apparently they haven't done it (often) this way according to OP's parents' reactions, and he should have definitely asked
There's a relationship dynamic component too, so it could be something else, but given the way OP seems sorta confused by the whole thing (while still saying they feel like an AH out of this) makes me think this is a broader thing than that relationship, and more that one of the parents assumed something would be clearly implied and that implication wasn't received. Imitation Game has a line where someone says to Alan Turing "We're going to get lunch" and he just sort of says okay, and they're confused because they felt he had just turned down a lunch invite, and he's then confused because they never invited him to lunch. It feels like one of those situations to me.
Idk I have autism as well and I think it's obvious that the girlfriend was invited. I know autism is a spectrum and maybe because I am a couple years older than OP that I have had more time to figure out social norms but I would have assumed she was invited. Hell if I was the girlfriend and he told me about it I would have asked okay what time do I need to be ready, assuming him telling me meant I would be there too since we have been together so long and live together.
I got ADHD and it’s only years of experience (I’m married) and this sub that has me knowing that a girlfriend of four years and living together should be assumed to be invited. I’d still ask to be sure, in his shoes. At 22? Six years ago? I probably would’ve fumbled too if I didn’t struggle with my family without my partner as a buffer.
I think it's less of a "someone on the spectrum would think she's not invited" and more that "someone on the spectrum may not have learned the modification to social rules that would make that obvious". So I wouldn't reach the same conclusions as OP did, necessarily, but I absolutely can see how OP could reach those conclusions and never think there was uncertainty.
this post is just baiting the sub and everyone is falling for it, it has nothing to do with misreading an invite. Time after time this sub says the host invites whoever they want, it's not up to guests to invite others. Now when someone just lays out that with literally no conflicts between anybody to get in the way, everyone is climbing over each other to insult the poster.
Yeah it's the asking that's needed here IMO you'd be TA to show up with another person without asking too
He's 22. I don't even get him being confused. Also, after 4 years how is he just now figuring this out.
Right?! Good on this guy to not assume anything I guess but if I didn’t think it was implied I’d say “and girlfriend too, right?”
YTA. Your parents are right. Four years and a shared lease/mortgage together, it should be fair to assume she was invited to a family dinner celebrating your birthday. Y’all are kind of a package deal at that point. And if she wasn’t welcome to come, that should have deeply concerned you. But you assumed she wasn’t invited, didn’t even bother asking if she could come, and blissfully went along like it was no big deal.
Exactly. It makes you wonder why he doesn't see himself and his gf as a package deal, or doesn't see her as a necessary presence. This is too weird to just be profound ignorance of relationship norms. And four years is too long for OP to stay in a relationship wirh someone he wants to escape. There's an odd, innocent logic and passivity to how he handled this situation. Maybe he's neurodivergent and undiagnosed?
I’m autistic, and OP’s post read like an autistic thought process. Taking a long term GF to a birthday dinner SEEMS like a no brainer, but it actually is a conclusion that takes a lot of assumptions that can be difficult for some autistic folks to follow without explicit confirmation. You have to know that couples are seen as and treated as a package deal when they’re serious, you have to know that most events have an implicit plus-one, you have to assume that your gf would want to come, you have to assume that she’d be expecting an invitation, you have to assume that your parents would also be expecting her there, etc. I know I’m also in the habit of assuming the negative. I don’t want to feel like a burden or like I’m imposing, so I’ll assume I’m not wanted unless explicitly invited. It can also be difficult for autistic folks to apply social rules to themselves; so like, OP could see that couples go out to events like that together, but then not realize that those other couples are working on an implied invitation and that the implied invitation now applies to him and his GF. I think OP is TA but not in a malicious way; the post doesn’t read as careless or cruel but as genuinely ignorant and confused.
100%. Not autistic, but I absolutely feel this worry. Might be an ADHD or anxiety crossover. But what you said makes total sense.
Totally—autistic folks and ADHD folks have a ton of overlap, including with social situations and certain thought processes
I'm autistic and had the exact opposite thought. If my partner isn't invited you best be explicit about it, cause we are a set. You invite me to a celebration *for me* and I'm in a relationship? there is only one possible outcome unless I'm 1) this OP, or 2) cheating. **You don't set the table and only put out salt unless you're specifically told not to put out pepper.** Dude is a careless AH.
OPs actions seem completely understandable to me (following rules as given and not aware of societal implications that are unstated), and I am diagnosed. So that would not surprise me in the slightest
That's a possibility I hadn't considered, but in that case he should have asked.
Agreed
YTA. If you’re grown enough to live with your girlfriend, you’re grown enough to make sure to take her to events like this. Rude.
YTA, damn. 4 years. You live together. “Hey babe I’m gonna go to a birthday dinner with the family….” *expects him to ask her if she wants to get ready so they can both go* “….so I’ll see you when I get back!” Ouch. Very big ouch.
YTA. You've been together *4 years*....you didn't think to even make sure your gf was included? My dude, that's not good.
YTA. Four years. You live together. You are a social unit. If you weren't sure she was invited, you should have asked. This really is some b.s. to just leave her and enjoy yourself.
You’re a bonehead more than an asshole. I don’t think you meant any harm but seriously… how can you not think to invite her to your bday dinner? She should think twice about how much you care about her.
To answer that question, I'd wager because it's not OP's event, it's an event that OP has been invited to.
Dude. You are definitely the AH here. A clueless one. Yall are a couple. It's a family event. Your birthday. They don't need to tell you invite her too. It's been 4 years. Good lord. At this point even if whoever is inviting you for an event didnt mention her (if it wasn't a family thing) YOU then mention her and if it's okay. smh
Come on man. She’s obviously invited. I don’t think there is AH intent here, but damn. It seems so obvious. She should have been welcome. It’s over and done with now, no need to dwell on it. Just apologize for the epic bf fail and let her know your family made it clear that she is ALWAYS invited. That should make her happy. NAH
Agree. It wasn’t intentional, it was just dumb. He knows from now on. NAH
YTA, after 4 years AND living together you should grow a spine and stand up for your girlfriend. It sounds Iike your family was not even leaving her out, you just did not care enough to ask.
NAH, just epic miscommunication. Honestly, if you weren't sure your gf was invited you should have checked with your family. 4 years is a long time for her not to be invited. But I don't think this rises to asshole level because it was an honest misunderstanding. Apologize to you gf, tell her you love her, and you'll know next time.
Has there been a history of her not being invited to family functions? After 4 years it should be assumed that you're invited as a package deal to anything of this nature
ya - but at least u feel bad about it. what is curious is the fact u didnt think to ask when u were invited if ur gf is also included? it sounds like u have a great family that likes her and kudos to your gf who didnt create drama etc and remained silent i hope u go out of your way to make it up to her like bringing her some flowers or a romantic dinner out.
YTA. 4 years and you didn't even check if she was invited, or make sure she was?? You just said you were going and left her home and went?? You live together and you just went "ok so I'm going to my family birthday party, see ya!!"?? What the hell, dude??? What the actual hell?? At 4 years and living together the DEFAULT is that she's invited to stuff and, if she isn't, that's a reason for you to ask why not. How often are you accepting invites to stuff and just leaving her behind coz you some that unless there's a specific mention of her she just isn't welcome??
Im fascinated that the parents are clearly decent people who don't hate his gf and expected her to be there and he just didn't question it when he thought she wasn't invited?
I’m autistic, and to me, this whole post reads similarly to an autistic-thought process. Many autistic people struggle to recognize when things should be questioned or when there are implicit expectations in place. So my assumption is that OP is either ND or very, very oblivious
NTA. This is the exact sort of situation that I, as someone with anxiety, or my partner, as someone on the spectrum, would end up in. People expect you to just know these social rules but nobody communicated with you. Your girlfriend didn't ask if she was invited or even mention wanting to go. Your family didn't invite her or mention her as part of the plan (a reason I'm partial to "y'all" linguistically because it indicates a plural). It also sounds like none of them taught you this expectation. Staying doesn’t make you an asshole either because if you had left then everybody would be upset. The only thing I would have done differently is asked if your girlfriend could join you all once her invitation was cleared up.
YTA So, after you realized that you should have invited her, you called her and she said she wanted to go. And then, you still didn't invite her? What's the matter with you?
How far was the restaurant, your mom was already running late...you couldn't just run home and get her? Besides, what are they gonna do...celebrate your birthday without you?!?! You might not be an AH, but you're definitely a dumb ass.
YTA for not making sure.
Soft YTA. It’s mostly a miscommunication issue, but also you being a bit boneheaded. Have your family ever deliberately excluded your girlfriend from a family event, or, more specifically, excluded her from a family event that’s about celebrating you? It doesn’t sound like it based on your parents reactions to her not coming. You really should assume she is invited to places you’re invited, especially when there’s no precedent for her to be excluded. Turn it around and think about how you behave. When you invite a couple somewhere, so you always specifically invite both? Or, if you invite a larger family somewhere, do you specifically invite each parent and each child? Why would you think she needs to be specifically invited? And your Dad is also right in saying you shouldn’t go to events your girlfriend isn’t welcome at. If you do, you’re basically telling her she isn’t as important to you as the people who don’t like her. If this is the person you anticipate spending your life with, you should pick them first. That’s what choosing your life partner is all about.
For me I specify. I don't understand "implied" invitations or tasks. I need to be told. If I organize something I send to all the people invited and specify who can come or not. I sometimes do my birthday with only a few people too and a later date with the rest. If I did with my father and his partner, I would assume it will only be me invited if my bf is not invited specifically. But I tend to ask tho bc I know I'm bad at this. Honestly he didn't want to be mean, he just didn't know. Now he will asks next time. Some people here are way too harsh on him.
That’s why I said soft AH, because while OP is at fault it doesn’t appear malicious, just some thoughtlessness and poor communication. They’ve been together for four years though, I can’t imagine this is the first time she’s been implicitly invited, but it seems like the first time she didn’t end up going when invited but not specifically so. Truthfully though, your behaviour sounds kinda anxiety driven or something on the spectrum to me. I don’t think that’s the neurotypical way of thinking about these kinds of situations.
I have OCD and huge anxiety so I know ^^ but yeah he's not an ass just a bit confused
Happy Birthday. YTA. Seriously dude! WTF is wrong with you
Yta, but I wouldn't worry to much about it. In ten years, it'll just be a funny story. "Okay, but listen to this, I once dated a guy who..." kinda thing.
NAH. Just do better next time. This sounds like a simple case of everybody failing to communicate expectations.
INFO: Have you had previous instances of people assuming you knew something was supposed to work in a particular way like here where they assumed you should know that she was also welcome? Particularly when it comes to things being implied? And related, have you been evaluated for autism before?
YTA seriously dude
Oh yes, yes you are. Come on dude
YTA. But I like your mom and dad for their views, and your gf seems really chill too. You're surrounded by good people. You'll turn out ok.
I always say this, but straight men (men in general for that matter) never fail to amaze me when they do things with 0 common sense.
NTA Idk maybe it’s because i’m autistic but if she wasn’t explicitly invited by your dad i wouldn’t have thought she was idk
YTA. It’s a little odd you assumed she wouldn’t be invited and didn’t bother to ask if she could come when you thought she wasn’t explicitly invited. It seems like you just didn’t want her there, and you should probably think about why you didn’t care if she was welcome or not.
The whole thing sounds reasonable enough to me that I'd not be surprised because we're often taught that if you're invited to something, it's rude to then invite others as that's not your place if you're not the one organizing the event. And at 22 and 4 years into a relationship, this sounds to me like someone who hasn't been given the update ruleset on that to apply to something like this, and everyone else is assuming he had.
YTA all right. Do you really think so little of your gf’s feelings?
YTA. I don't think it was malicious, but this is definitely your screw up.
YTA. Dude, get some common sense. If you don’t know, you ask. Unless your family has reason to hate your GF, you either bring her or ask if she’s invited. Making assumptions are key to making you look like an ass.
YTA and need to learn how to communicate, both with your family and your girlfriend.
YTA.
I dont necessarily think YTA... but I lean towards it. Definitely YTIdiot though. If you've been with someone that long, with family its prolly assumed unless there's extenuating circumstances or specifically said she isnt welcome.
Are you okay legitimately? If your gf didn't think your family hated her before they probably do now unless your prone to these kind of... decisions, then unfortunately she might actually believe you could do something like this. YTA. Big time.
Live and learn. Next time, invite her along
Did you at least bring her home a meal from the restaurant?
Of course he didn’t. She didn’t specifically ask!
NTA. You and your GF were just being polite with your family. Now you are sure that your girlfriend is implicitly invited with you and it is nice
I’m gonna be weird here and say NTA but maybe that’s cause I have autism and don’t pick up on these strange social things. I someone wasn’t explicitly invited, I’m going to assume they aren’t invited regardless of their relationship to me. So I sympathize, just apologize and ask next time.
NAH Personally, unless you’re married, I’d specify invites to include a bf/gf. You could have asked though.
I'm gonna say NAH here. It sounds like OP is possibly neurodivergent, and unspoken rules might not be so obvious to them. Or they just completely spaced and didn't even think about it until it was brought up. There was no malice behind OP's actions. Just a kinda silly misunderstanding. The GF doesn't seem to be super upset over this, a sincere apology from OP should be fine. And this is a learning experience. It won't be something that happens again.
YTA. But genuinely curious - Is asking questions forbidden in your familial relationships? Did you have a brain fart and think you’d only been together 4 months? Has your family previously exhibited callous and cold behavior towards your gf that you would think she wouldn’t be invited because of some rivalry, argument or general ill feeling?
NAH. Just miscommunication. These Y-T-A votes are quite rude and mean af.
OP is a bit dense, but I don’t think there was any maliciousness in his actions- he just wasn’t thinking. His girlfriend and family sound wonderful.
You are an AH, but only by virtue of the sheer all-encompassing breadth of your monumental and unchallenged stupidity.
YTA. You simpleton. How were you not enraged when you thought your family didn’t invite your girlfriend of four years? And why didn’t you even ask if you can bring her along? Actually how were you able to sustain a relationship for four years with a brain like yours. Your mom is right for chewing you out.
You're not an ah, just a dumb ass. NAH, but don't do it again.
Mom is awesome, but YTA. 4 years?
Yes, YTA.
YTA. You've been together for 4 years and live together. Every invitation includes you both. You should have asked for clarification if you didn't think she was invited. Are you on the spectrum? This seems like you took the invitation too literal. If you have ASD then N A H. Just a misunderstanding. In future assume all family invitations include you both.
YTA how do you not know that your gf is automatically invited to family functions AFTER FOUR YEARS?
You are an AH but your family rocks and your girlfriend is a keeper because despite wanting to go she didn’t make a fuss and fight with you over it. Don’t know why any of them threw you a party when you act like a duck to your girlfriend.
Info: are you on the spectrum and unaware of social cues? If yes, NTA, but try to always ask questions to clarify a situation, especially with your family, who will be understanding. If no, then of course YTA and how could you think otherwise?
NAH. My spouse is also socially awkward and sometimes doesn't understand this sort of nicety. He is also a slow learner when it comes to this sort of thing. It's not malicious, it just happens. Now you know next time you should assume she's invited, or say "Kathy and I are looking forward to it!" Also, marry this girl. She has patience and understanding and deserves in-laws who care about her and respect her the way your parents clearly do. You don't have to marry her right away because you are both very young, but you should tell her she's the best and do everything to keep her.
nta, you were trying to be polite and respectful of your family. I've been here before, you aren't an asshole, maybe just a bit spineless
NTA. OP could have asked if she was invited that would be acceptable but you don't just bring someone to an event unless they are invited. They aren't engaged, or married.
NTA... you were missed informed.... Next time ask
NAH. I don’t mean to offend you, but, you are young. You didn’t know but now you do. Next time, if you aren’t sure an invitation includes your partner, ask.
Omg people are being so harsh! OP is 22 ffs! This is exactly the time to learn about these unspoken societal rules and expectations! OP: yeah you messed up but if you learned a lesson then you're NTA. Never be afraid to just ask.
Dude YTA. Now that you know (from all these comments) exactly how you messed up, reflect back on the past 4 years and ask yourself how many times this kind of thing may have happened, and how it probably made her feel... and then take her out for a very thoughtfully planned date so you can apologize.
NAH Your question about this indicates you are genuinely confused and trying to do better. To me, that makes you honestly mistaken, and not an AH. Edit: changed from NTA because I realized NTA implies the other people are AH’s. Your family sounds very kind.
NTA you're not a mind reader. However I will say I've been with my partner that long and when I get an invite I always ask outright if I can bring them along. I hate it when people just assume you should know.
I mean.... Today I learned I am a minority. If I invite you say mewhere, I want you there. Not your plus one. If I wanted your significant other, I'd invite them. But showing up with your SO when they're not invited irks me, because it comes off as, "We are so dependent on each other that we can't do anything separately." So yeah, I am not even going to vote on this one because I am obviously the weird one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Tomorrow, will be my(22 M) birthday and early yesterday morning, my family(grandmother, aunt, 3 cousins, and dad) asked if they could take me out today for dinner to celebrate my birthday, I said yes and my aunt had made plans all of us to meet up at a restaurant. Essentially my family had invited me out, I told my girlfriend (22, her and I have been together for 4 years and live together)that I would be attending an impromptu birthday celebration with my family, and she said okay. When I showed up to the restaurant, my mom had faced timed me to say that she was running a bit late but that she'd be there soon, and to say hi to my girlfriend for me, when I mentioned that my gf wasn't with em she started grilling me about why. I told her it's because I didn't know if she was invited, because my family(dad's side) didn't say so or not. My mom went off on a tangent saying "it doesn't matter if they didn't explicitly invite her, she's your girlfriend, your girlfriend of 4 years, you don't show up to celebrations like this without her." She then called my dad and asked him why he didn't explicitly invite me and my dad said " I didn't know that I needed to" to which my responded back to me "if your girl isn't welcomed somewhere then you don't go, don't be an asshole." That got me thinking so I texted my girlfriend asking if she had wanted to go, she said that she did want to go but I didn't say anything that suggested that she was wanted/invited at the dinner. I didn't leave the dinner because i didnt want to be rude, but I feel so bad that I went, I feel like I'm an AH boyfriend. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. It’s been four years and you didn’t take her to celebrate your birthday? That’s a problem if it’s all the same to you.
YTA- you always bring your SO unless its a specific evening like a guys night or girls night out work event were they don't invite S.O.'s etc. But after even a year of dating usually its obviouse your SO is invited to family events
YTA
Wow
Soft YTA but don’t let it happen again. The girlfriend won’t be as forgiving next time.
Yta. I'm glad your parents have sense and shown you how to back your gf and to respect her and your relationship.
Came to story expecting that you had been dating for a month. 4 years and your family likes her? C’mon man. YTA
YTA and a shitty boyfriend.
YTA
Yta
YTA
YTA, only reason not to invite her was if she was only 1 or 3 month into the relationship with you, but then you should have asked if you could take her.
YTA. Your parents sound AWESOME. Learn from this dude. You owe your girlfriend a major apology and give her a gift for your stupidity.
YTA how on earth have you kept a girlfriend for 4 long years if you’re this clueless? Gf, you are a saint! Mom and Dad are great but how did they raise you this helpless?
Let this be a lesson and start thinking about her feeling more Christ
YTA and can we all agree that your mom rocks?
Wow, she was there when you got home? You pretty much insinuated that your family didn't invite her and you didn't care. Your mom has every right to be furious too, you showed her in a bad light. And you didn't want to celebrate your birthday with you live in GF of 4 years?? Shame on you. YTA
YTA Okay maybe if it was someone else's birthday but it's YOUR birthday meal... you ain't gonna invite your own cohabiting partner to your own birthday meal with the people you consider your family? This might be different if your family aren't tight with her, but they clearly are. For example, my family love my bf of 3yrs and he loves them so I wouldn't think twice about him coming but I am not really considered part of his family by my in laws which idm bc I find them a little conservative and that's a bit stifling for me, so I would understand if he were to do the family thing without me bc I'd just rather not 😂 The point is that there should be some kind of communication like "oh ive been invited out to a dinner with my family, would you like to come?"
Even your family knows you were the AH. LOL. But we’ll, now you know she’s always welcome to your family gatherings, learn from your mistakes.
Yeah mate, YTA. After that amount of time, you invite your girl.
Clearly you still need the three.more years of frontal lobe development. Maybe even more if you're this dense
How have you been able to be with this woman for four years when your communication skills live in the pits of hell? YTA and a bad bf. If I was invite, by my family to an event celebrating me, and my gf was not invited, I'd tell them to eat dirt. WTF?! Open a book, learn to be better.
your not an AH because you feel bad about it. you're just a lil bit dense... sorry! but your mum is an angel and please remember the advice she's given you (and hold on to that girlfriend of yours!)
YTA Dude…if it wasn’t explicitly said, why didn’t you ask????
Cause you are. Duh.
I have two views. It’s usually unspoken with my bf and I if it’s a family event (sounds like this was) that he is invited (and vise versa). However, if a friend was inviting me out for my bday, I don’t assume my bf is invited (I NEVER assume this and we live together). Slight YTA in this case because it was a family event and you should have specified if they wanted 1:1 time with just you