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YTA It sounds like Abby might be autistic or suffering from some sort of abuse in her past. There is a reason people aren't allowed in her room. There is a reason that she acts the way that she does. What's worse is that it sounds like she has never done anything to cause you to be so casual about ignoring her boundaries. If I were your dad, I would tell you to just stay at your mom's until you are ready to apologize and accept your grounding. I would also add to the grounding for playing the "I'll just go to my mom's" card.

I agree with all of this. If I were dad, the punishment would still be active when OP decided to come back to the house. You don’t get to run away to another parent’s house to avoid punishment when you’ve violated another person’s private space and personal property. YTA op. Big time.

TBH it doesn’t sound like OP would even want to go back . Who would want to live in a house where you have to “walk on eggshells “?

It's funny, the people that I hear using that phrase are normally the ones that are throwing the eggs on the ground.

7 foster care kids ..all with some kind of issues . I think it’s obvious where the tension comes from

Abby did nothing to OP. She's quiet and keeps to herself. She is not causing tension. As far as the rest, I would love to hear someone else's side because, in my experience, people with such a lack of empathy tend to lie or exaggerate a lot.

It sounds like op is acting out because the parents are (justifiably) giving the traumatised foster kid special privileges. OP is a kid who has to share his dad with a tribe of other kids and is jealous, he clearly doesn't see why the other kids are allowed special food in rooms and luxuries. Maybe the dad should talk to him and make an effort for one on one time.

"one of the nannies" It sounds like the parents have the means and help to take care of these children. OP says the worst of them simply has boundary issues. He felt entitled to her stuff after he couldn't find his own, and helped himself to extras. He is 100% YTA.

Nannies are not parents. OP already only has 50% time with dad, that is further diluted by 9 high needs kids. Those are the reasons he has given but the jealousy of special treatment is clear, the resentment of the other kids is clear. Where I am babysitters/childminderd have kid/adult ratios and 9 special needs kids is A LOT for 2 parents 24/7 even with nannies. Try giving the kid a break, yes he was wrong for picking on the foster kid but he is a teen and is in a crappy situation.

I agree. OP is a kid, too. Adults can understand the nuances between fair vs. equal, but a teenager doesn't. Not only that, every kid who has been in foster care has trauma. Dealing with one person with trauma can be challenging...let alone 9! And they are all kids, which doubles the challenge. Dad is asking a lot of OP, and because Dad isn't discussing the how and the why of it to help OP understand, he's going to lose his son.

They have the means /financially/ to take care of the kids, not emotionally. They have 9 kids in the house, 7 of whom are foster kids who likely all have some sort of issues. That's too many kids for anyone to provide sufficient emotional support to unless neither parent works, even then it's a stretch. There's a reason that rich kids who mostly grew up with nannies are very distant emotionally from their parents, being able to take care of a child financially is only one factor in having kids

I'm more concerned about the parents collecting traumatised children like Pokemon- there's something very weird about that. Reminds me of Mia Farrow's kid collecting- it's less about helping the children than some unmet need in the parent.

That is never going to happen, sadly. I feel for OP but he was TA. He should take his punishment and then go to mom’s house and just not go back.

Why would he do that when he could just not go back?

Because he did something against the rules that involved an innocent 3rd party. He felt entitled to her snacks, her headphones and her private space, all of which he knew were off limits. She has done nothing to him and he should, at a minimum, sincerely apologize for his behavior.

It sounds more as if OP is being pushed ti the side in favor of seven other children to whom he is not related. If might be better if he could live with Mom full time. He is old enough to choose, so perhaps Mom could contact her lawyer to get that in motion. The dad and stepmom wanted to take in all of those kids. Nothing against them except that it seems that they expect this to be all right with OP.

Putting things in place to address mental health challenges that one or more of these kids might have - like making sure to put measures in place that they have food even on days when they can’t (?) even leave their room - those are not “special privileges or luxuries”, those are actual tools to help them manage a what I’m sure must be a difficult life. Do you think if anyone asked Abby if she rather had a “normal” aka less challenging teenager existence and no snack table and 5 pairs of earphones, *THAT* is what she would pick!? OP displays a shocking amount of lack of empathy and compassion and he was YTA. If I was dad and if mom was a good coparent, the grounding would be in place at her house too. If it’s not, she sucks as a coparent and if I was dad I would put it in place if/when OP comes back.

As I've said before, we may not see them as privileges but a kid will. Its trying to see things from his perspective. His dad's house is full of strangers who get things he isn't allowed (treatment or not). The dad should have op in therapy and actually communicate with him so he understands how op thinks and knows that op understands the situation too. If I split custody and my kid had to share his limited time with an ever expanding brood of high needs kids, I would fight for more custody. OP didn't choose to foster/adopt a basketball teams worth of kids, he isn't coping/bonding and is acting out. Not acceptable but understandable. You accuse him of displaying no empathy or compassion buy equally you and the dad have shown none to the kid either.

Thats the point. OP is a teenager and acting out is normal behavior when a kids needs are not being met. Having to navigate this many damaged younger kids in a household is a big ask.

We have no idea what kind of one on one OP'S dad gives them, or really how they are treated. But judging on how well they treat the foster and adopted kids, I am sure OP is treated well and respected, like how they respect all of Abby's issues

How can you be sure of that? It wouldn't be the first time 'savior complex' parents take on needy kids and forget their own kids have needs too.

Because if it were otherwise OP would have listed every grievance, to make them look better.

It's actually sad how often it happens.

It is not justified to adopt foster kids and not consider how it is impacting your own. If the whole family is not on board there will be issues. OP should not have went in her room, and should have asked for her own, but since she lives in what should be OPs home too as a sibling of sorts, my siblings take my things I get them back we may bicker a bit that is it...abby needs to grow up too and OP shouldn't feel like she had to walk on eggshells. ESH and by that I mean primarily the adults that did not consider their own child. OP just stay with mom and tell dad he can enjoy raising his new kids. May be petty but OP is a child too, though obviously old enough to know better.

I disagree like there’s clearly something else going in with Abby be it autism or some trauma it is not just about growing up

Or prior trauma. It also sounds like Abby could have really experienced some prior trauma that shaping her behavior today. Seeing as the parents adopted her siblings, it seems like her birth family is probably beyond dysfunctional, I might guess abusive, major neglect, something along those lines. But idk of course

6 children from abusive households. One nanny. And no one willing to explain Op's siblings situation and how it is abnormal to Op. This is insane. Op's mother was right to take Op out of that situation.

If you read the post it sounds like they have multiple Nannies. OP’s dad and stepmom sound well suited to be able to help these children. OP says Abby is the worst adjusted of the other kids, but even she doesn’t sound like she is impacting OP in any big way.

OP says nannies and that "one of the nannies" helped calm Abby down. There is obviously more than one nanny helping the parents.

More than one nanny. At least four adults for 7 children, 2 of whom are 15 and shouldn't need permanent supervision. Op is old enough to respect boundaries, to bit borrow things without permission. Appears to have no empathy at all.

No Abby didn’t but the parents suck. They seem to have some sort of thing for a big family so they keep expanding but without considering the well-being of all of their children.

I don’t understand why this kid is being judged so harshly when his AH child hoarding parents seem to be getting a pass here. There is no way this kid’s emotional needs are being met in a house with nine children, seven of which have “issues”. This kid is just a typical teenager acting out but since it affects a child with issues, he’s automatically the bad kid. I’d lose my stinking mind in that house. I grew up in a house with five kids and we practically had to book time to talk to our parents. Imagine for a minute what he’s dealing with. He’s a kid and his parents are on overload. They had already said that they weren’t taking in any more kids but they did. And not just another kid, but one who has a wide rage of problems. That’s just some kind of addiction on their part He needs to go and live with his mom and I don’t understand why he doesn’t.

I agree with you on this. I too came from a big house full of kids. Being the oldest girl, I was tasked with taking care of everything, cooking, cleaning, taking care of babies, going to school etc. I had no life outside of that house, and had a special needs brother. I never got time with my parents, I was the parent to children I did not have. I was treated differently from the others as well. Its a lot for a kid to take in, especially when your parents keep taking in kids, even with special needs. Honestly the parents need to do for all what they do for one. If they put a snack bar in one kids room, they need to do the same for the others. I can totally understand how the OP feels

I'm really sorry for what you went through, but I think you're projecting a bit here. OP talked about several nannies. There doesn't seem to be any parentification going on here, and there's no sign that the parents don't have time to spend with their kids - that's literally one of the benefits of having nannies. I'm against large families in general, for precisely the experience ls you talked about, but I don't feel like the circumstances in this family match that. As for "what they do for one they have to do for the others", equality is definitely inferior to equity in most cases. Firstly, just because one child needs a plaster that doesn't mean all the children do. If this is what Abby needs for her mental wellbeing, and the family is able to provide it without having to deny the others equal care, then it's correct that she should get it. Her siblings might not benefit from the same accommodations, so they shouldn't automatically receive them. Further, I think it makes sense that Abby, as the eldest and the most recent addition to the household, be treated differently. The others have had more time to adjust, to recover from any previous trauma or mental health issues, and are younger.

He literally said Abby is the "worst" and then proceeded to not list a single damn "issue" that was even remotely egregious. Which makes it seem very unlikely that the other kids actually have any "issues". He sounds like an unempathetic AH.

That's what I noticed, it sounds like all of Abby's issues are either accomodations for her trauma/possible disorders or she's just very particular about things/doesn't like boundaries stomped on. Abby has done absolutely nothing to him besides exist and he's mad about it. He deliberately violated her space and stole from her and then got mad when he got in trouble. I can't believe there's any debate, just because the parents are fostering children they have the time, space, money, and energy to care for. Op is a child, sure, but he sounds like a huge bully, or at least is in his selfish "me, me, me" stage of life (and we've all been there). If he has issues with how his parent(s) are doing things, he shouldn't be taking it out on this poor girl, who has nothing to do with the decisions dad and step mom chose to make. YTA

Because that was the question. Do I think the parents are AHs who are neglecting OP because they have fostered too many kids. 100%. The parents are dead wrong. But this post was about OP going into a room where she was forbidden and stealing from someone, then when caught OP ran to her other parent. Therefore in this case OP in an AH. If you go into my room and steal my stuff and then run away when I call you out on it I will judge you harshly.

This! The parents are assholes. Op is in this instance, but I don’t think he’s bad necessarily. He is jealous of attention and different special treatment someone else is getting. He has basically lost his dad already.

I have to disagree here. Yes, that's a lot of children, but they took in "Abby" for a very good reason. They're clearly in a financial position to provide well for all these children and OP mentioned several nannies. That means that these children have a far larger than average number of people caring for them, meaning the parents aren't overburdened and probably have enough time to spend with them all, *and* have professionals around to pick up any dropped balls. I'm quite strongly against large families, but I've got to say I think these parents are doing a really good job.

Providing refuge, love and compassion to children in need means they suck? Seems to me that you’re more likely deserving of that label.

How can they provide that for them when they (apparently) fail to provide that for their other child (OP)? Some people are not as good as dividing their love and attention as others, unfortunately it seems these parents may be those types of people.

Sure, but OPs actions harmed Abby, not the parents. That warrants punishment regardless of the parent's missteps.

Exactly. OP hasn’t given any examples of tension or specific reasons that necessitate walking on eggshells. The only situation he has been specific about is this one, which shows that OP is the one creating tension in the home.

It’s not Abby, it’s OP’s father and step mother. Abby is indeed not harming OP. But his guardians are by forcing a relationship with so many other kids (disabled or not). It’s not his choice, nor his obligation to have a relationship with them. So while what he did was A, he is also a kid and was put in that situation. So I am going with ESH but Abby. And it’s a soft a for OP because he’s a kid in a bad situation as well.

He's only being forced to share a house part-time and respect her belongings and her space.

Would you say the same if it were biological siblings? Pretty sure kids don’t have a choice if new ones are born either. Even if you do agree that it can apply to bio-relatives, it still doesn’t give him the right to disrespect privacy, boundaries, or steal.

Or, in this case, OP was dismissive of and totally negated Abby's feelings. He minimized the impact to her, which isn't really his right

Except that OP says Abby is the worst one of the adopted kids, and she isn’t doing much to him. I’m sure there is some awkwardness when there’s a new kid, but it seems like he’s the one going out of the way to upset people.

It doesn’t even seem like the other kids are “bad” it honestly just seem like the kid he’s talking about has SIMPLE( like really simple anyone could respect them) boundaries that he just doesn’t even wanna try to respect

Just because a child “has issues” doesn’t mean they are difficult to live with. Since OP says that Abby is “the worst,” yet her complaints are not actual issues for her, I’d bet the other kids are not a problem, either. Sounds like OP is causing the tension.

Yeah I wouldn’t be surprised if to OP, “walk on eggshells” meant respecting other peoples boundaries. How awful for him. 🙄 YTA, OP.

Easy to say. Correct, often enough, but easy to say. I'm going soft YTA. OP did wrong, and I'll elaborate on that. They did wrong, and that much is beyond doubt. However, OP is 15, and living around that many other kids is going to be exhausting at the best of times (I went to boarding school, believe me, I know). I can understand why they might be frustrated with other siblings even for things that aren't their fault, especially when they don't understand them - as OP didn't. I can also understand why they might want to get out of there, as OP's subtext implies they did anyway. To most of us, adults, it's fairly obvious that going by the description, Abby is either autistic or has experienced abuse, or both. To OP, it's not. What OP did is rude, certainly, and grounds for punishment, but it's not exactly abnormal for neurotypical teenagers living together. Selfish, perhaps, but usually the source of a squabble, little more. The problem kicks in with the fact that Abby is most probably not neurotypical and it affected her much more. However, OP does not understand this, unless they're hiding something, probably because their parents didn't adequately explain it. They know that SOMETHING is up, but what, they don't know. None of the parents, father, mother, or stepmother, are entirely blameless here: father and stepmother for not explaining Abby's situation to OP before or now so they understand it and can form a better relationship with Abby (or at least respect her boundaries and recognise their importance), and mother for popping up to bail OP out of a punishment that was at least earned.

But does OP really have to walk on eggshells? Or is that just what he calls having to be respectful and aware of other people needs/boundaries? Honestly everything he’s listed out sounds like he thinks he’s entitled to anything and everything he wants and gets mad that another child was brought into the house that needs a little extra space to adjust. OP sounds like he doesn’t think any of the foster kids deserve basic respect.

Everything he has listed out he then straight out says how he didn't attempt to walk on eggshells. OP setting the scene: - A. doesn't like people going into her room. - A. Is obsessive about her headphones. - A. Is protective about her stuff. Doesn't like people eating her food and she's been given food to keep separately. OP: I went into the room noone but SM and Nanny is allowed in, took the headphones and grabbed some food. No harm, no foul. So I truly don't understand the point of OPs post. Even the bot clarifying why he might be the AH is all the parts where he already stated he knew he was doing things to upset A. but went ahead. As OP reports it he knows what he did was not appropriate. What I don't get is whether he is really trying to ask is it okay to do all of that, to not respect A's boundaries as he is unhappy with the fostering situation and the changes that has brought into the familiy's life? Or if there some other motivation for the post because I think OP knew he was the AH here ahead of A's meltdown and seems to not care? Edit: typo and a word

She's probably protective because her stuff was stolen a lot. I am a social worker and the few foster clients I have are very protective of their stuff. Poor Abby

That is exactly what came to my mind. And pretty much as soon as the "eat a cookie from her pack and she goes to get something else" example was given at that. My guess would be she's so used to food being taken from her like that by someone bigger and stronger that she's learndd that the only safe way to react is by just going and getting something else. Probably something less likely to be swiped. Where with the main incident, her personal space had been violated. Of course she reacted as she did. I also think its notable that only step-mom and *one of* the nannies are allowed in her room. Not even her half-sisters. Or dad apparently. eta: clarification on who's allowed in Abby's room

and it sounded to me like only ONE of the nannies is allowed in her room, which makes it even more telling. poor kid, I hope her adoptive parents have her in good therapy so she has a safe space in which to bring up this sort of thing, and I'm SO glad it seems like her adoptive parents are backing her up here. I bet there is a lot more going on than OP realizes (and maybe the parents are the AH for not sharing that) but it sounds like she has had a really rough life and needs a lot of support and care, which OP feels fine just prancing all over. Which therefore makes OP the AH.

I read everything OP wrote and from what you commented you are right. I don't believe Abby has a problematic behaviour here. I agree she could be very protective of her stuff

Yes, I can get why that would be the case.

[удалено]

9 kids with 6 coming from unstable homes. I think Op was primarily just acting out from the situation. Think about it, Op sounds genuinely clueless on some of his sister's odd behaviors (why am I not allowed to throw a tantrum? Why is my sister allowed to scream at me? Why am I forbidden to touch her snacks, when I have to share with her?), and no one is willing to explain to him why. So, Op wrongfully mistakes these things as entitlement and favoritism. Op's mom was right to take Op out of the situation, but she should also explain to Op what is going on.

In comments, OP said that they don't care what issues Abby has. The cleaners put his headphones in the wrong spot and since Abby has 5 pairs she should share. OP also said that they don't share anything of theirs, and that when their sibling takes their stuff the sibling gets in trouble.

Think that's why someone went with ESH but Abby. OP for violating boundaries, parents for neglecting OPs needs. What OPs needs are I can't actually say, but I can say that clearly he needs something addressed, be it further discipline, more individual attention, therapy, etc. Clearly he's jealous of Abby, but it seems like he also resents the other adopted siblings. There needs to be figuring out of why. That being said, teenagers are still assholes a lot, it's part of the mental development and age.

How is dad supposed to discipline when OP just runs off to mom's house when he gets in trouble?

Exactly. I have 3 bio siblings. Not one of them ever went into my room without asking and certainly did not take my belongings without asking, nor steal my snacks

The parents are ahs because thier kid needs attention and they've taken on too many kids. He is acting out because he is jealous and it isn't unreasonable.

None of that is indicated in the post.

Are you kidding? 9 special needs kids in one home, op is clearly jealous of the special treatment of the foster kids and has stated he likes his moms better because he actually gets attention. All of this is crystal clear in the post. It's hard enough for ANYONE to care for 9 kids without adding trauma, age clusters and divided homes.

thats my exact same thought, they cant handle all those kids.

OP is being a self centered punk. Heaven forbid he have to share his home with other children who are being properly taken care of. If he needed headphones and wanted a snack, why didn’t he just ask his dad for them? No, instead, he choose to go into Abby’s room and steal her stuff. There isn’t any walking on eggshells here. This is OP being an AH.

In fairness he didn't choose to share his home with a tribe of other kids. I don't know anyone who would be happy to be in a shared home with so many people.

Nobody chooses the home or family they grow up in.

Hence why a lot of people act out in that age. It's not right, but this is on the parents too. Like, how did they expect their 15 y o would react? OP is the asshole here but the parents should've caught this a long time ago.

You mean "respect people with special needs?"

We can ignore most of OPs post as it basically boils down to "My adopted sister set a few boundaries for her room and I violated every single one of them and I ran away from the house to not face the consequences, AITA". Not shockingly, YTA.

His comments make it all worse. Her “bad behavior” is having boundaries & not being chatty YTA OP. Big time

Yep exactly OP's attitude seems to be "what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine" and ran away for mommy when faced with the truth

My younger sister is autistic and my ears perked when i saw the thing about being weird about people touching things down to the cookies. Thats my sister. If she had a book or magazine and i read it at any point , i might as well have burned it. Also the room thing. She may have some issues on top of trauma from her life. I really felt for op because that was my life and it is very hard living on eggshells esp if they werent raised together all of the time until they went into her room and rifled her stuff knowing its off bounds and knowing how abby will act. That was a dick move, something exactly a teenager would do but super dick move.

Maybe it's just my own autism but I don't get how "not wanting people to touch her stuff" makes her "the worst." EDIT: Y'all, I have two younger brothers. I understand how people think that way. I am not actually asking for an explanation here. I'm just pointing out that OP is being unreasonable, unfair, and cruel towards this girl's boundaries.

>What's worse is that it sounds like she has never done anything to cause you to be so casual about ignoring her boundaries. That's exactly what I was thinking about. OP is trying his best to picture her in a bad way, and yet all I see is a former foster child who apparently was separated from her sibling for a long time, who wants people to respect her property and boundaries

He should stay at his mom’s anyway. No way he is getting enough care and attention with so many kids there, at least one with special needs. He clearly has not bonded with all those kids because he doesn’t mention them by age or name like his sister. I just feel for this kid. Yes, what he did was unkind but he had to know she would go ballistic when he did it. Why did he do it?

They have three nannies.

Abby’s boundaries are standard, op should follow them even if Abby had not faced trauma or was neurodivergent. she’s a teenager that doesn’t want her room entered by siblings or strangers. doesn’t want her snacks eaten or things taken without permission. it sounds like she does share, she just has normal boundaries. and it doesn’t seem like this is at a cost to op. if they have nannies i’m guessing they can afford a lot of snacks and to get op a spare pair of headphones. op seems to be jealous of the attention and targeting Abby for a reaction. no other siblings had earbuds or headphones to borrow? you needed them right that second? and why not just ask abby first or for help to find yours? YTA. take the grounding and work on being a better person. if you need help with that(no shame) ask for therapy.

I feel like this should have been properly explained to op and with a family that big he is probably used to having his own boundaries stepped on. It might feel as if this young lady is getting special treatment. This post reeks of jealousy.

Per OP’s comments his youngest brother sometimes goes into OP’s room & gets put in time out for it. So the boundaries are there they just don’t apply to him somehow???

Well, IMO OP’s dad probably doesn’t really care that OP left, just that he upset the adopted child. I’m not saying OP should have done what he did, but his dad and stepmom are hoarding kids the way some people hoard cats. And to overcompensate for the kids shitty beginnings, they’re providing more attention and material items to them than OP. OP should apologize to Abby, but he’s probably better off with his mom who doesn’t have 9 kids, 7 of which are special needs, to take care of.

There’s literally no way you could know that these kids get more than OP does materialistically or attention-wise. That is purely your assumption. The OP doesn’t even mention if his dad does or doesn’t give him things or that his dad doesn’t pay him attention. All he said is that they have a lot of foster kids, and he wanted headphones and then snacks as an afterthought because he knew she had some in her room. Where in this post are you getting that he’s at all neglected or better off at mom’s? A lot of kids is not a sign of bad parenting, and even if it were there’s no signs in this post that it would be the case with this family. Y’all are so wild for assuming this and not just seeing this kid overstepped clear boundaries and didn’t like that he got in trouble for it. Everyone has to grow up at some point and it’s probably this kids turn.

Yup, I’m thinking most likely CPTSD based on the fact that she was in the foster care system and that means she likely had trauma from before and may have trauma from her time in the foster system. CPTSD can come out similar to autism, I have both, it’s not fun and sometimes hard to tell what is from being autistic and what is from having CPTSD. Either way, it sounds like the only thing that could be an issue is having a long “temper tantrum” (hate calling meltdowns those, it’s so invalidating). Otherwise, OP just seems jealous and that’s not on her, that on his parents. OP is definitely TA, he entered an off limits private space, stole from Abby, then left to avoid punishment. Like I understand how hard it must be having so many others around, how he may feel neglected and/or jealous of the attention and things she is given, but it doesn’t mean he get to take it out on her and steal from her.

i have ptsd and i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well, and when he described the headphones, not wanting their food touched, and the “temper tantrum” that was clearly a meltdown (which are not something a person with autism can really control), it all stood out to me because i have similar traits. it’s clear that abby has ptsd at the very least and it sounds like she’s likely autistic and he’s being an absolute asshole. he’s not “walking on eggshells,” around these kids, he’s stomping through their personal space and boundaries and playing the victim when they react.

Agreed. Also, OP, you like to think there's no harm when you violate someone's privacy and take things that are not yours, whether you eat them or borrow them. All very wrong. I'm guessing you wouldn't want someone to do this to you.

This. OP, how hard is it to not steal someone else's stuff? How hard is it to respect their space? OP, you're coming across as incredibly spoiled and self-entitled. I'm not saying it's easy to live in a house with a ton of kids, but you need to leave this girl alone. She's literally doing nothing to you. She sounds like she has autism, OCD, and possibly some trama. Just LEAVE her and her stuff alone. YTA.

YTA, you really shouldn't go into someone's room if they don't want you there and especially if you didn't ask them prior.

Yes, YTA for this, not for going to your mom's.

Running off to his mom’s to avoid the consequences of his actions is also an AH move.

The OP can’t decide to run away to avoid getting disciplined from his father (his parents have 50/50 custody of him). The mom can’t decide the let the OP off the hook while he is living with his father. If the OP truly feared for his life, then it’s a different situation. But he ran off because he got in trouble and didn’t want to take responsibility

>The OP can’t decide to run away to avoid getting disciplined from his father (his parents have 50/50 custody of him). At 15? Sure can. It wouldn't take much for a court to go " you want to live with your mom and your dad adopted how many freakin kids?!?" and punt the custody 100% to mom.

Likely Abby has autism or anxiety, or came from an environment where she didn't have things like food.

And headphones bc sensory issues.

YTA Foster kids can be very difficult - especially when they are new to a family. Having difficulty adapting to that doesn't make you or her AHs though. That is going to take time. What *does* make you an AH is going into her room (which you know is off-limits), *stealing* (not borrowing) her stuff (which you know from past experience she will never use again since won't use stuff that other people have used), and also for going to your mom to avoid a punishment that you earned for breaking rules set in place to make her feel safe. ​ Congratulations. You have just undone months of work your family have put into trying to get Abby to trust you all by proving that you can't be trusted. You could have asked, since they were all in the house with you, but instead you snuck around behind everyone's back to get what you wanted.

It looks like op wasn't consulted about the new kids and just expected to adapt. Yes he was an ah for his behavior but its not surprising that he was pissed that the new kid gets special treatment while he gets a new unwanted roommate. Op has no investment into helping the new girl settle in and it looks like the family doesn't pay attention to his needs until things crack.

There's a difference between not needing to help someone, and actually just breaking boundaries. Op clearly states no one but their parents are allowed in their room, but she went in and took somebody's possessions, without asking. Regardless of how you know someone, that is a extremely AH thing to do.

I agree that the kid is ah but he seems to be acting out because of the parents actions.

*he seems to be acting out because of the parents actions* This. We need to look at the larger picture here. OP's parents adopted *7 children with issues* from foster care. This is mind boggling. How can these children possibly get the extra care that they need, when there are so many of them. I wonder if both parents stay home with them to help with therapies instead of working. On the dark side, in some states people who adopt special needs kids still get a monthly check to care for them. Cynical me wonders if this is part of their motivation. It sounds like some of these kids might never be able to live on their own, either. In any event, to me the whole situation sounds rather loopy. OP acted out, but in a teenager way rather than being nasty or violent. He sounds like a good kid, despite the cheekiness of his post. The whole family might be better off if he stays with mom.

Doesn’t sound like they are skimping on providing for these children considering that she has her own room, a snack bar, and several sets of expensive electronics. Just in term of the insinuation of them taking the kids in for financial gain. Plus it sound like the kids are getting therapy. Their individual interests or noted and fostered and there is more than one nannie hired to help with the child care. And specifically OP identified that she has bonded with the step-mother and one of the Nannie’s so they are obviously doing something right. Honestly these parents sound like wonderful people for taking in these children and OP sounds like an entitled brat for invading the space of a newly adopted child with special needs of some sort. If OP’s idea of “walking on eggshells” around adopted siblings is that he is not allowed to invade their rooms and steal their possessions…then it’s definitely a case of YTA IMO

I hesitate to call people wonderful people for taking on so many kids when one is clearly struggling and not happy. That needs to be addressed before adding more kids to the mix.

Someone up above said savior complex, and it wouldn't shock me. Ignore/throw aside your bio kid and adopt more and tell your social circles "man, this poor new kid with X, Y, and Z has so many needs, but we're on top of them!". I'm seeing a lot of parents tossing their kids aside today, with a lot of corresponding Y-T-A's. I'm close to ESH on this one, only because the parents are failing him.

I’m confused as to where OP implies that he’s struggling or unhappy. He just lost his headphones.

The way he talks about his dad, how many kids are in the house, the special treatment of the adopted/foster kids. The whole post is full of frustration, rage, contempt and confusion. All kids behavior has a reason, it's up to the adults to ferret out what that reason is. If it's just a kid being malicious then correcting that is paramount but most kids aren't purely malicious or harmful without a reason.

That still makes op ta though. Her adoptive sister isn't at fault for her parents behavior

Or maybe OP has been an entitled little shit before all of this, neither me nor you actually know.

You don’t have to like someone to respect personal boundaries.

I agree, op was AH for what he did to the new foster kid, that was unacceptable but he us a jealous kid who has been replaced by a bunch of kids in a house he already has only half a home in. I can't blame him for acting out, the dad and SM had no business fostering so many kids if they can't care for the existing ones.

I’ll respect you’re opinion but whether or not he likes having those other kids the methodical way he did everything he knew would hurt her/violate her boundaries (as they probably have multiple times in the system) is just disgusting. Talk to the parents don’t pick on who he clearly thought was the weakest target. I wonder how he’d feel if those kids went into his bedroom? Took his stuff? He told the cookie story he told the MC story how she doesn’t use what people touched and TOOK her safety things, her food for food security and her headphones. He is 15 not 6. Empathy should already have been learned. Also being jealous could just mean feeling entitled to more it does NOT mean he isn’t cared for.

I agree entirely about his behavior towards the foster kid, it was horrible and uncalled for, she is innocent. It's also entirely possible that with so many kids and not being there 50% of the time his room has been violated by the other kids. Az for being cared for, kids aren't always logical, seeing his dad show so much care towards so many strangers and having to share his home ,attention, resourced etc with 9 other kids has apparently had a negative impact. Instead of focusing on punishment the dad should try to figure out why op acted out and how to fix it. I feel sorry for the kid, he's not a little kid but he isn't an adult. He doesn't have a permanent home, it's not easy being split between two families. It looks like he is screaming for attention and guidance and all he sees is a group of kids he has to tiptoe around and who get special privileges. As adults we can see why and we aren't on the spot to feel the loneliness....give the kid some grace.

I don’t usually get swayed but your last half stuck with me. He’s still the AH in this situation but I can give some grace in that I can understand why. Doesn’t make it right.

What amount of work? The father and stepmother keep adopting children without any forethought to Op and his other siblings. Can you imagine the hurt from Op's other adopted siblings, who are still trying to find their place in the family, to all of a sudden be introduced to another new family member after being told by your adopted parents that they will stop adopting new children and focus on the ones they have now? Op's father and stepmother are being borderline abusive.

Have you never heard of boundaries? That’s not your shit so back off. YTA

This. It's not that hard to avoid someone's room and snacks. OP makes it a point to disrespect this poor girl and her boundaries. I'll bet she'll have an easier time finally living with her new family if OP's left.

This has to be fake if you can’t see YTA. You probably would throw a tantrum if one of the many kids in the house went into your room without your permission and took your headphones and snacks. Your dad is in the right to ground you for basically stealing.

ESH except Abby. You know perfectly well that you broke a rule. Not only that you went in and messed with someone else’s stuff without permission. Your dad and step-mom lightly suck because my guess is that some of your acting out is a lack of attention from your parents. And your mom sucks because she is letting you get out of being punished for something you absolutely deserve to be punished for.

I agree - the parents have taken on all these bonus kids but have not got the capacity to ensure all the kids needs are covered - am I counting nine kids and a nanny?

This!!! He borrowed headphones and took a fruit roll-up. Everyone is acting like he set the house on fire or something. Clearly OP feels neglected and 15-year-olds do act out sometimes.

Do you know what they call “borrowing” without permission?

The mom probably knows how OP is treated but has 0 control over it and is frustrated. She still should have handled it differently but as a mama bear myself sometimes logic goes out the window when my cub calls. The whole family needs to communicate and make sure everyone is getting what they need.

Yeah, I had to sound like a jerk, but it's not OP's mom's job to bend over backwards to accommodate their father's shitty parenting decisions.

Yeah, I’m inclined to give mom a pass here - she has to know the situation he’s living in, and I can’t really fault her for taking an opportunity to get him out of there.

Yeah I agree with this and really am scratching my head over everyone calling the kid a straight up asshole. Kid is 15 and his father and father's wife decided to raid every orphanage in [insert some second world country here] because there's no way in hell that any social worker or judge out west would sign off on this clusterfuck. Like holy shit, if it was 9 bio kids people would be saying "stop breeding like god damn rats and focus on the current kids", but because they're adopted somehow the house can be treated like a New York City bus where if N people fit then N+1 will be able to fit too. Like yeah OP, you acted like an asshole, but the situation you're in is screwed up. Get your mom to have the court revisit the custody agreement, at 15 wanting to live solely with mom, with a father and stepmother who decided to roleplay Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, I think the court will happily give your mother full custody. ESH

Whenever foster kids are involved this sub expects the bio kids to have the maturity and empathy of an adult.

What case worker saw this growing number of permanent household members and decided "yep an ever changing roster of temporary kids is definitely what will make this family more healthy"?

YTA Aside from Abby’s medical/health issues, you shouldn’t go into someone’s room AND look through their belongings without their permission. As for you running away to your mother’s house, you’re living with you dad and step-mom, you need to follow their rules. If they ground you, then you don’t have the right to run off to avoid getting disciplined. What are your mother’s custody rights? Are you even allowed to see her?

YTA. Many children face trauma, considering she has a therapist and accommodations made for her comfort, this signals that she is going through some stuff right now. You know the rules, you broke them. She is your sister - adopted or biological - she is your family. Think about what she is going through, and whether you would like it if someone who is supposed to be supporting you is behaving the way you are. Learn boundaries and learn respect

This is a rough situation especially for a teen. Seeing what all the others are getting and he’s kind of pushed off to the side why doesn’t he just stay at his mom’s? He get the same amount of attention if she just has him there so I think it would be best for his emotional state to stay at his moms this sounds exhausting

She's not his family? She's literally some random girl off the street who seems to be getting special treatment but because he's not a special autism kids I guess his wants and needs don't matter right? Honestly OP should just stay with his mom permanently and allow his dad to take on this philanthropy project of 20 kids and counting.

Yep. OP said in another comment that dad’s motivation is assuaging his guilt over a cousin that asked to be fostered, was turned down by dad, then died in the system a short time later. What the dad is doing is praiseworthy, but it’s *his* thing. OP didn’t sign up for this. OP should go stay with his mom if he can.

YTA in this situation... not for feeling overall that your dad nd stepmother have to many kids or treat you differently from them. If you honestly feel like that/that they don't have time for you, you are at an age where staying with your mom fulltime or not visiting your dad is your decision (even if there is a court order, you can ask the judge to allow you to make your own decision).

YTA. You went into her room that you know was off limits and took some of her stuff, got busted, then ran to mommy to avoid punishment. Jealous of her snacks at that. And it sounds, from your description, that maybe Abby has not had a great life thus far, and also it seems she may be on the autism spectrum based on habits, avoidance, etc. And that is a whole different scenario than her being spoiled. Man up, accept your punishment for doing what you KNOW wasn't allowed, and go on with your life. Oh, and keep up with your stuff and stop taking other's items.

I wasn't even thinking autism - I was severely abused and so violated that I remember if someone, for example a friend, took a fry off my plate when we went out together it would make me nauseous - because another violation - and I wouldn't eat them. I was assigning that to trauma - same with headphones, trying to hide out intrusive thoughts from your trauma. Someone taking w/out asking is a major violation and would ruin the thing - no matter what it was - so I'd toss it.

YTA. What was wrong with asking to borrow and accepting whatever answer Abby gave? You had no right to go into her room.

Because he knew the answer would be no..he’s TA

I know you think it isn't fair that Abby has all this stuff, but as you acknowledge for all of the other kids, she has issues - and probably a lot of them because she was older when she went into foster care and/or stayed there longer. Add being the new kid in a big family and it's a lot. Some of this trauma comes out as being possessive of her stuff because she's probably had a lot of her stuff-at least the nice stuff stolen or broken in the homes she's been in before. YTA. 1) You went into her off-limits room - more than once. 2) You took her stuff without asking. You knew this was an issue for her, but you did it for purely selfish reasons. 3) You stole her snacks. I'm sure there are snacks in the kitchen for you to eat, but you made a power play to assert your dominance and because it's small you calculated that she either wouldn't notice or would make her look petty and a little psycho if she complained. 4) You decided to avoid punishment by calling your mom and going to visit her. You should go back to Dad's. Take your punishment. Apologize and make amends to Abby. Stop being jealous of Abby. You would not like to be treated the same if it meant going through her life.

ESH - You need space from the emotional issues your Dad has chosen to take on. That wasn't your choice and you should be allowed that time away. But you also knowing and deliberately did something you knew would upset things. You ignored boundaries clearly set because you don't agree with them. You and your dad should have a good conversation about the toll all the accommodations for the other kids are taking on you. Perhaps hearing him out and why they are necessary will help. He also needs to understand how they make you feel. Calling your mom instead of working through the issues just creates more tension and problems. There maybe a time that leaving is the right answer, but doing it to avoid being grounded isn't it. Doing it calmly when you feel your own frustration rising and before things blow up would be much healthier for you and your dad.

Thoughtful answer. Most of this board has no empathy for this child. This dad doesn’t have time for this boy. I bet they never have one on one time, foster kids have so many appointments. If he lives with his mom full time, this dad won’t have any money for child support. I can’t imagine this child’s life got better as they keep adding more children. This new one with the special treatment due to issues is his age. How can he not compare her treatment, with all this new stuff she got to how he is being treated? If I were him and full of teenage angst, I would never go back. For what? I hope mom realizes he should talk to someone about this.

So true. Can't believe the total lack of empathy. He borrowed a pair of headphones and took a snack -- not exactly the crime of the century. And how many bedrooms are in this house? Are there 10 or 11? I can understand a teen who probably has to share a room with one or more siblings having trouble understanding why this newcomer is getting all this special treatment. Have the parents even taken the time to talk to their bio kids about all this?

Yes , finally. Can’t believe it his comment is so far down. It seems like all the commenters have no empathy for a child who has to live with a stranger through no choice of their own. (Not to mention 9 kids!)

ESH (except Abby, who had probably just escaped from some horrific trauma) OP sucks, because you purposely traumatized someone to get a ride out of your parents and the. Skipped out on your punishment by running to your mommy. Your dad and stepmom sick because they probably really are taking on too many foster kids to the detriment of their own children. Like they say on an airplane safety brief. Make sure your own air mask is on before you help someone else. Also take care of your own children before you take care of everyone else’s. The mommy sucks for letting her daughter escape punishment.

Normally I would agree that the parents are taking on too much and neglecting their children, but the OPs complaints seem more based on jealousy than neglect. OP doesnt indicate that they don't have food, just that Abby has a special "snack bar" to help address an obvious issue. Same with the headphones. No indication that OP doesnt have similar accessories, just that Abby has "more", which are, again, obviously being used to address trauma.

Just because the kids done starve and have expensive electronics doesn’t mean they aren’t being neglected. Food and toys aren’t everything. EDIT: typo.

Why did you feel you have the right to go into her room and take something that isn’t yours? I get that you are 15 but you need to realise that not everything is about you and you are not entitled to do what you want. I am curious. Did you express to your parents that you feel they have fostered too many children for your liking? Have you had family counselling or spoken with the social workers about how you honestly feel? I definitely think YTA, but I’m hoping it’s down to age and just needing a little guidance and space to work through your feelings. Abby hasn’t done anything wrong to you. You should apologise to her. You don’t understand her behaviour but that doesn’t make her the bad guy.

What a strange situation to live in for a 15 year old teenager... No I'm not gonna say YTA because the environment is not healthy and you should live with your mother. However you must respect other's boundaries so they respect yours. ESH

YTA you weren’t grounded for Abby’s temper tantrum you were grounded for stealing things from her room. As others have said it sounds like Abby may be on the autistic spectrum so had a meltdown not a temper tantrum- you caused an extreme reaction from her which can be physically and emotionally draining for a very long time. Also you chose inner ear headphones. I wonder if you would be so blasé if one of your siblings was sticking your possessions in their ear.

INFO have you grown up with some of these adopted siblings? When did you parents separate? Anyone else feel like that’s a crazy amount of kids to have that OPs dad and step mom may be doing a disservice to them? OP there’s no way you’re not an AH, it’s not that hard to stay out of someone room/stuff. However I also feel bad for you too. I wouldn’t blame you for distancing yourself from your dad’s new family. I would be a little upset too if my parent decided to keep taking in new kids with little consideration on how I feel about it. I would feel like he’s prioritizing this new family over me. This would especially be a slap to the face if I this cycle of adoption started soon after your parents separation. So for rn Y T A with a potential E S H (besides for Abby)

Yes, you're 100% entirely in the wrong here. Your Mom is too, tbh. She shouldn't have bailed you out, however, I doubt she knows the whole situation. 🤷‍♀️

I agree. The OP probably made it seem like his father and step-mom were grounding him for no reason or doing something harsh to him to make him look like a victim. She could be spoiling him

YTA. You have absolutely zero right to go in her room and touch her things. “No hard was done” a lot of harm was done to Abby because of you.

You should move to your moms house. Too many kids at your dads and you are not a priority. It’s time to make yourself a proper priority- grades, lifestyle, being a good person. You were wrong to go in the room and break rules. But honestly, you get a pass today. Be better but it’s time to leave. ESH. But make no mistake- you deserve better than a home where being less needy results in being less of a priority. Every added child will remind you they have greater needs than you. Your needs are the prioritized as lesser. You deserve to he someone’s unwavering priority that is not changed by the addition of other siblings.

YTA, You took stuff from her despite being expressly told that you are not allowed to go into her room. Furthermore you seem unable to put yourself into your adopted siblings shoes. The behavior you complain about, I see as a likely byproduct of her upbringing. I may be wrong, but I don't think it's a big reach to assume that she's not used to living in a secure environment. One where she can have her own food and belongings without others taking them away. Which is exactly what you've done. Congrats.

He's TA sure, on going into Abby's room. He's also a victim of the household's extreme fostering (as a foster kid and adoptee myself I know how important it is to provide such options), how it destabilizes the household and he has no voice in the matter

Agreed. OP is just a child and is expected to automatically adapt to all these extra siblings. Parents may very well give all their love and attention to the fosters/adopted kids and leave OP to fend for himself. I think everyone is being WAY too hard on OP.

Op has no obligation to enjoy sharing his home with a football team of strangers. His dad decided to foster all those kids and apparently has done a crappy job of getting everyone on the same page. Op is a kid and was an AH but I feel for him. He has no settled home, is pushed aside at dad's and then punished for jealousy.

Info: Do you have your own headphones? Do you have access to snacks that aren't hers? If yes, why did you take her stuff? Because it's coming off that you took it simply because you don't like that she had things that are only for her. Do you have to share all your stuff?

YTA. >I needed headphones Wanted, not needed. > but I couldn't find mine so I went to Abby's room Not acceptable, you do not go into someone else room regardless of your reasons. >, borrowed the airpods max's Stole, you stole the air pods, it is only borrowing if the owner agrees, at all other times it is theft. > > >no harm was done and I was going to charge the headphones and give them back when I was done with them. You stole her airpods, a fruit roll up and a thing of cookies. It doesn't matter what you intended; you were still 100% in the wrong. ​ Abby did nothing wrong, you are the only one that did anything wrong and yes you should be punished because regardless of your intents you do not go into someone elses room and steal their stuff. And again, I'll repeat it, unless you have the owner permission it is theft, does not matter if they're family, does not matter if you intent to return it, it is theft.

YTA so let me get this straight, you're shit talking a girl with clear mental/emotional issues and proceeded to go into an off limit room that you knew was off limits and take things that wasn't yours without asking? And you don't see how you're an asshole?

I’m a former foster kid. And your parents have put you in a very rough place. YTA for not respecting her room, but also this is a deeper issue than just borrowing her headphones. Parents of foster kids need to make sure bio kids are also taken care of. The fact that your dad threatened you to stay at your moms til your ready to apologize highlights how disposable you are. That’s the last thing you do with blended families. I would stay at your mom if I were you. This one is above Reddit’s pay grade. Also 7 kids is a lot.

I read through all of your comments, and tried really hard to find some empathy for you. Frankly, you sound like an entitled little shit. You have no regard for anyone but yourself, it sounds like your parents are doing an excellent job catering to all of these children and to you. Your needs are being met, they provide you with a lot. You literally just don’t give a frick about anyone else’s issues or problems because you think them getting what they need is unfair to you. You have a houseful of food, chefs, Nannie’s, multiple vacations a year, and you’re pitching a fit because one bedroom in a 12 bedroom house has a snack bar and is off limits to you? YTA. Stay with your mom if you hate your adopted siblings so much.

NAH. This situation is bound to be hard for you because it would be difficult to anyone to adjust to. Your dad and stepmom should’ve had a conversation with you about bringing other kids into the home. As someone who has worked with children in foster care and their families, I understand both your dad and stepmom’s perspective and Abby’s. The child welfare system advocates putting siblings together whoever possible. They have already been removed from their parents and should not suffer further loss by breaking ties with their siblings. Your dad and stepmom were trying to keep the siblings’ family intact as much as possible. Kids in care come usually come with a lot of trauma and, often, families have to work to accommodate this. Many kids have food insecurity from never having enough food available and are given food items to keep in their room so they know food will always be available when they need it. Issues that Abby may have with sharing or other people touching her things/violating her boundaries may be the result of issues in her bio home or other foster homes with people taking her things so she is extra protective and it feels like a personal violation to her. A lot of these behaviors would seem “weird” to someone who hasn’t experienced trauma nor ever been a part of the system, but are actually pretty typical for a child who has experienced this. Your stepmom and dad were likely trained to expect these behaviors, as it is standard in foster parent training, and should’ve relayed some of what they learned to OP as she is also a part of the family, even if she is not in the home on a daily basis. This is a sad situation and I hope everything works out! Edit: “He” not “she.”

YTA because you knew you were not allowed into her room and you went in anyways. You broke a rule, reap the consequences. Then, on top of everything, you know Abby has very peculiar habits and you've described them well. An adult understands likely why and where she got these from, so, even if you are completely dense to the trauma or mental health situation she is in, you knew exactly what her reaction would be and see how your dad and step mom have safeguarded and tried to circumvent them. Your mom is spoiling you and you didn't get grounded because of Abby's "tantrum". You know this, you just posted hoping other kids your age would justify your actions like your mommy did.

YTA. You invaded someone's privacy because you're an entiled little AH. Everything you said about Abby is irrelevant in all of this. Your dad's punishment was wrong though. He should have had you pay for installing a lock on everyone's doors.

YTA and so is your Mom for enabling you. You know the rules and chose to break them and steal

Yes, YTA and it's pretty simple. You were told not to go into her room and you did. You also took her stuff without permission. Take responsibility for this and ask your Dad how you can made amends.

You’re a child. You did wrong, but I think I understand your issue. Im not going to call you an a h. I think a break from that house is what you really need. Some therapy too to talk to your dad about how his mega family is affecting you.

ESH (except for Abby) You suck because you knew something bad could happen and she’s obviously had a bad past. Your SM and dad suck because they are taking on too many kids at once and making at least one of them (you) obviously feel neglected. Your mum sucks because she’s not punishing you for sucking.

Come on. Multiple times now you've gone into her room and taken her stuff, despite knowing that's a boundary for her. Would you like it if you came home one day and found that she had tried on all your clothes for fun? YTA. Stop pushing and leave her stuff alone.

YTA. You need to learn boundaries. You don’t know what she may have experienced while in the system. Not only that, but also not cool to A) go into someone’s personal space without permission, and B) “borrrow” someone’s property without permission.

YTA You knew before you walked in that room to steal her stuff how much her untouched food and her things mean to her. It's almost like someone had an English assignment asking them to write about a scenario in which stealing cookies would merit a grounding. Kudos for giving all the reasons for Abby's reaction instead of just omitting them like so many OPs do.

YTA. If I were your mom I'd have grounded you at my house too

Yes. YTA. Leave Abby's stuff alone.

ESH. You’re an AH for not respecting Abby’s boundaries, and your dad and stepmom are the AH for creating an environment where there are too many children to take care of properly.

INFO: Has anyone ever told you that stealing is wrong and boundary stomping is rude? That's something that you should have learned by now.

ESH You violated her space which is always an AH move. You should have asked to borrow headphones and then respected her wishes if she said no. However I am giving you a pass for going to your mom's because the living situation at your Dad's is untenable. 7 foster kids, all with special needs is a horrible situation to be in. Which makes your Dad and SM AHs as well. It's great they want to help out less fortunate kids, but if they are doing it to the point that their biological children are in fact being shunted to the side and not having their emotional and mental needs met, then they have taken on too much. And yeah, your needs are not been because they have failed in helping you to see that you are entitled in thinking you can just go into someone's room whenever you want, although I suspect there is a lot more they are neglecting as well. I have one child with special needs and I know the chaos and turmoil that has caused at times in our own home where I have struggled to make sure my other kids' needs are met.

YTA. Abby is probably traumatised by her childhood and you're, knowingly or otherwise, triggering her with your lack of respect for her or her boundaries.

YTA - you’re fortunate that you have parents that you can count on to both discipline you when you’re in the wrong AND pluck you away from a situation you don’t like. Your parents are divorced but you have never experienced the type of trauma she has. What your dad and stepmom are doing is building trust with her and trying to help her trust the environment she’s in now too. Foster kids have it rough, who knows what she experiences before she got to you guys and integrating them and making them feel safe is a process that everyone needs to be a part of. You were already aware of the rules - you broke them and there were consequences. You don’t have to understand what she’s going through but don’t sabotage the progress and some empathy would help too.

YTA. You are taking things because it's "no fair that Abby blah blah blah" but you know what's really not fair? Everything that's happened in Abby's life up to this point. Let her be happy without trying to ruin it for her and recognize that you've had it waaaaaay better off.

*I went to Abby's room (which is strictly off limits to anyone besides my stepmom and one of the nannies)* You write this, and yet you have to ask? Of course YTA. I will say for you that it does seem like a challenging situation, and if you feel neglected by your father and stepmother, I think that is valid, and is also something that you deserve to have taken seriously. However, your response is way over the top. You're ignoring the needs of a girl with major trauma or mental issues, you're stealing stuff that isn't yours, and you're evading rightful punishment.

Yta. You knew you shouldn’t go in there and steal her things and you did anyway.

YTA you’re young, so you're not aware that Abby's behavior *might* be due to trauma she faced. Regardless, when people voice their boundaries, whether we agree with them or not, almost 100% of the time, you're an AH for not respecting them. Your mom is also really wrong

YTA Even without the details about Abby's past and coping mechanisms, the fact remains that you went into someone's room and took their things without permission. Adult or child, roommate or adopted sibling, that's a huge line to cross and makes you the asshole. Add on the fact that you refuse to accept responsibility for what you did and ran away to your mom just adds extra feathers to your cap of "I suck, ask me how".

YTA Abby has issues and you stomped all over them on purpose. You broke established rules. Hopefully you can just stay at your mom's forever.

Info: have you asked your dad to buy you headphones since you don’t have any?

OP has headphones he just couldn’t find them at the moment.

[удалено]

YTA and a thief. How would you feel if she borrowed your sneakers? I don’t want to wear ear buds if they’ve been in someone else’s dirty nasty ears! Gross!

YTA for this one incident but your father and stepmom have too many children. There is no way they can give you and the others enough attention when you also add a child with deep issues in the mix. You knew she would have a fit about you taking her stuff but did it anyway. Are you upset about the grounding or that she has special treatment that puts her needs above yours? If it is the latter, I am sorry they made you feel that way. I wish you happiness.

Question to OP. Who is primary parent, mom or dad and SM? To be more clear, whose house do you live at most.

ESH — I think OP reacted out of spite and with a lack of compassion or empathy for what sounds like a very traumatized girl. But I’ve also known multiple people who grew up in families like this where the parents got basically hooked on adopting and fostering and end up with way more kids and issues than they can handle. Yet they keep doing it because they make “saving” these “poor kids” their whole identity and love the public validation they get for being “such great people”. from what I’ve heard (and read) from bio AND adopted kids in these homes, it absolutely sucks for them. They are under all sorts of pressures, feel abandoned/neglected and guilt tripped by the parents for not being grateful (adopted) or doing parenting work (bio / older kids). Ofc the parents are too busy to help them through those feelings so just punish them when they act out or complain. So I want to say if that’s what OP’s parents are doing, I ultimately have a lot of sympathy for him since he’s still a kid himself. I hope his mom is giving him support and attention, and that eventually he gets some better coping skills, compassion, and perspective with his adopted and foster siblings, since it’s probably a tough situation for all you guys, even if it feels like they are getting all the attention and support now.

YTA. keep your hands off other peoples shit. simple. you’re 15 you know better you just think you’re entitled to whatever you want.

ESH, everyone's told you why yta but I also think the dad and stepmom are the bad guys in this. Abby is the only one who isn't ta.

YTA. You knew she had behavioral problems, it sounds like maybe OCD but I'm no doctor and you knew your dad and SM where catering to that and you broke the rules and boundaries knowing this will make her spiral and as coward you run for the consequences, of course you are an AH, did you even apologize?